Men and Emotional Intimacy
A man who can cry is a man who has learned some secrets about intimacy. But sadly, for many men it takes something tragic or life-changing before they understand this truth.
Here are a few ways you can tell if the man you love has trouble with intimacy or struggles to open up:
- He’s unable to discuss his feelings.
- He’s determined to avoid his feelings.
- He’s unable to express love, sorrow, or pain.
- He’s unable or unwilling to cry.
- He’s determined to make all situations into a joke.
- He’s determined to lighten the mood or change the topic when emotional issues are discussed.
- He physically leaves the room when emotional issues are discussed.
- He’s insensitive to the emotions of those around him.
Most men–unfortunately–do not undergo such traumatic experiences as the one described above. Yet many boys emerge from adolescence with a strong sense that being strong and unfeeling is the “masculine” thing to do. When a male brain is saturated in testosterone, it doesn’t take much, even from well-meaning family members, to give a boy the message that emotions and feelings are only for girls.
Here are some things your husband may have heard when growing up–things that may have shaped him into a seemingly uncaring person:
- “Don’t cry unless you’re hurt.”
- “Tough it out.”
- “Boys don’t cry.”
- “Only sissies get hurt feelings.”
- “It’s a sign of weakness to let people know you’re hurting.”
If you love a man who doesn’t seem to be able to express his feelings, you might want to consider using word pictures to help him identify what’s going on inside. A word picture uses a story or object to simultaneously activate the emotions and intellect of the hearer. As a result, he experiences your words rather than just hearing them.
It’s important to realize that helping your husband learn to express his feelings will take time. You might have to use several examples or try for several days, weeks, or even months before he is able to feel and share with you what’s in his heart. And until he reaches that point, he won’t be able to connect with you on an emotional intimate level.
Based on what I’ve learned in my many years of counseling, I’ve found that a woman’s definition of intimacy is very different from a man’s. Consider the following lists:
What women mean by intimacy
- Deep emotional connection
- Daily time sharing your heart
- Daily time hearing the heart of the one you love
- Ability to cry easily and together at emotional moments
- A sensitivity to know immediately when feelings are hurt
- Understanding each other’s dreams and goals
- Closeness of the heart and soul
What men mean by intimacy
- Deep physical connection
- Foreplay
- Hand-holding, hugging, kissing
- Understanding each other’s physical needs
- An ability to communicate physical needs
- Physical time alone together
- A sensitivity to know when physical needs are present
One of the reasons men may be more focused on physical closeness is that men aren’t as sensitive to physical touch as women are. In other words, it takes more physical touch to meet a man’s physical needs. In the same way that a woman has twice the daily word count, a man has twice the need for physical stimulation.
The point is this: Women often feel unloved because their emotional needs aren’t being met, and in the same way, men often feel ignored because their physical needs aren’t being met.
I think the problem is clear at this point: Guys have trouble with true emotional intimacy.
Read Gary Smalley’s book, Connecting With Your Husband, to learn more about your relationship.
© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center
Dear miriamspia,
You are right, God has designed a married man and woman to be interdependent! Indeed, God has designed us for relationship: first of all with Him, and secondly with others. Getting our needs met by other people will always result in some kind of disappointment, because people simply are not perfect. On the other hand, trusting God to meet our needs will never disappoint! Receiving and growing in Jesus’ love and affection for us, as well as His tender care and attention to every need, is the key to all other healthy relationships. Once we are confident, as we should be, that God will take care of every detail that concerns us, we will be free to care selflessly for others and therein find fulfillment!
God bless,
Kate
I read someone asked about women compromising about men’s physical needs. Well, personally, I’m a woman who has a lot of physical needs. I have had relationships where these were well met and others where they were not. I have never been in a relationship where only one of us had emotional or physical needs. So, I don’t really know.
Dana, I am sorry your experiences with men have been so negative. There are wonderful, caring men out there; and men who do not have the ability at this point to share their hearts can change with the help of God and others who are willing to reach out in love to them. I pray that you can find a way to seek help for the deep heart wounds that have led to the seeming bitterness in your heart toward the male sex. If you would like to talk to someone confidentially about your pain, please click on the link below:
http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
God bless you, Dana.
Isn’t marriage and bed-sharing enough of a compromise for women hoping to meet the physical needs of men? I don’t see the same compromises from men in their attempt to meet the emotional needs of women.
Hi DF, I did a little bit of searching and found a study that confirms what you said about women and men basically using the same amount of words in a day (http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/homepage/Faculty/Pennebaker/Reprints/NewmanSexDif2007.pdf) However, that study also did confirm that while the numbers of words used may be quite similar there are some differences in the way that men and women communicate (e.g. women speak more about relational issues where as men’s conversations consist more of information exchange). The study does not hypothesize why there are these differences (i.e. nature vs. nurture) but it does acknowledge that in their study there were differences that followed gender lines.
So I think Dr Smalley is quite safe in his assessment that there are differences in the ways that men and women deal with emotions generally. Being aware of those differences helps us to better understand one another and to interact with one another.
Male and female hormones are different. Male and female brains develop differently and are physiologically different. It is not society that makes us different; males and females develop differently from conception. That is not to say that men can’t do this or women can’t do that, but there are generalizations that we ignore to our peril. People of the opposite sex have different needs (generally), and partners have different needs (individually). And not everyone is capable of changing or coping. Sad but true.
good article
Sorry, re-iterated text:
‘And I have plenty of examples of other refuted believes such as the belief of a quite far past that women may not have a soul for instance, or that they have a smaller brain. They actually did have smaller brains compared to those of men and to today’s female brains, but after current research it was found that the reason why their brains weighed less it was because they were malnourished. Women were being generally fed less because of cultural believes that they were not important. These believes are still practiced today in some parts of the world.’
I think faster than I type…
Dear Rejected,
Stop talking like a politician. It does nobody no good. :)
I got lost in your text and I gave up in reading it. I actually went down and read your original post and those of women in your situation. Again I come back to saying that we live in a stereotyped world. Every human is born with equal potential to become the perfect human, however our minds are being brainwashed as soon as we start learning about morals and philosophies, and all our minds are corupted. There is no such thing as masculine brain or feminine brain or othr varaitions of this concept. These concepts are not even compatible with Christianity at all. The reason why you don’t get nobody to give you advice in your situation is because of stereotyoing. If one professional like thsi one would cut the gender out of the picture and say: a man or a woman who has difficulties with emotional intimacy, and such you would identify yourself with the audience that you do now. The truth is that the masculinity and its causes has been so much discussed, debated and over emphasized in our culture, that the mass of people don’t expect simple sound advice that would actually help individuals with real problems, but they expect a best seller or an article that will appeal to the masses instead. So the author will produce it to make money and become famous, or maybe not, maybe he is wrong and he doesn`t knw it but he might genuwinely wish to help people like the physicians from the past.
I don’t think you can find advice online, or on TV or Oprah, or Dr Oz. Look if you believe in God, you will most likely also believe that the best answers are achieved only through prayer. Prayer in most faith is considered as the only answer to our troubles and also wishes. And maybe some counselling may help, not online or TV, actual therapy.
Hi Claire,
Didn’t mean to upset you or insult your website. It just happens that I strongly disagree with this article and I chose to challenge it. I have read others like this and also different opinions, and I also have mine and my family’s experience with this problem.
Just because a guy has a number of best sellers, his career’s experience, and has been on Oprah, doesn’t really ring my bells into believing his philosophy.
So did the doctors 100 years ago believed that they could treat psychosis with freezing baths and other torturous activities, depression in women with total hysterectomy thinking that the sexual organs are the culprit to a woman’s maddness thus they had to be removed, and treating all kind of diseases by bleeding the patients to death. And all these practices were at the time based on the professional experience of many generations of physicians, not just one, yet they were recently proven to be wrong practices, only after hundreds of years!
And I have plenty of other refuted believes such as the belief of a quite far past that women may not have a soul for instance, or that they have a smaller brain. They actually did have smaller brains compared to those of men and to today’s female brains, but after current research it was found that the reason why their brains weighed less it was because they were malnourished. Women were being generally fed less because of cultural believes that they were not important. These believes are still practiced today in some parts of the world.
I do not beleive in the ridiculuous cult of Men are from MArs and Women from venous and all their followers. This kind of philosophy is not meant to bring the sexes together but instead to pull them more apart from eachother by creating stereotypes and reinforcing double standards. This man does not emphasize equality between sexes at all, instead he characterize men as children in need for nurturing from the women who seem to be held responsable for everything that goes wrong in this world.
We are all capable of the same emotions and we should all be able to express them equally. It has nothing to do with hormones or genetic makeup.
Each couple that is happy copes in some way with the differences between the two parties, however no relationship is perfect, you may sometimes feel unhappy, but you should feel happiness almost everyday of your couple life and feel that the person you are with is unique and there is nothing you would change about him/her and that you love this person the way he/she is.
I think that if you pick a guy for what you think he could be with your help and only wishing he was more loving or more caring or more attentive than he is, you’re no better than a guy who dates a girl thinking he can convince her to get fake boobs, lose more weight of go blonde. I think I have to love a guy the way he is already. I should not need to feel that I have to change something fundamental about him, such as romance and relationship philosophy, ambitions, the way he shows emotion, etcetera, and obviously he would feel the same about me.
Besides, we all know men go on and on about not liking when women try to change them. Why would you even want to change a guy anyway? Shouldn’t you accept him the way he is? Or if you can’t accept him the way he is, let him go so he can find someone who does instead? I think this is a better philosophy. Men get frustrated when women keep trying to change the way they are, women cry cuz men don’t want ot change and it’s a never ending cycle. Don’t try to change a guy. Take him as he is, find the one who fits you perfectly, don’t settle. Choosing a partner is a big deal. YOu need to be a little bit picky.
Yet again, hit me in the head but I’m a kind feminist with quite strong Christian beliefs, so, nor feminists or the church are big fans of Oprah anyways. So nobody who shows up on that show really impress me much…
I have to say I agree with DF on some points, especially about the fact that the more society throws around all the stereotypes that are typical for men and women the harder it is to see the forest for the trees. We are all human with the ability to feel all the same emotions. I don’t agree with stereotyping people, it only keeps them from being all they can be and feeling somewhat justified for their bad behavior. Thank God that now it’s acceptable for women to not want to get married or have children (for the most part) and that people can express their sexuality the way they want, whether homosexual or otherwise. Also it’s nice that men are now feeling less pressure to be so tough and women feel less pressure to be so soft! But by reiterating the old stereotypes we are making it harder for real change to occur.
I was married for 20 years and had all the empathy in the world for my husband, but we seem to forget that love is also discipline. Sometimes people only learn the hard way and that would be by losing you. If you want to stick around waiting for someone to become emotionally expressive or do any of the other things that will make you feel more fulfilled in that relationship, then by all means, do it, but did God give us a life to sacrifice it? I can’t believe that. Our own life is just as important as someone else’s. Call me selfish.
I think if we all focused on meeting our own needs first there would be no need to try to change the one you’re in a relationship with..just change yourself. Either accept things the way they are and do your own thing or decide you want something different for yourself and move on. No anger, no bad feelings. There is really nothing in this world or life that is going to last so it’s all not that important in the big scheme of things. Sometimes getting out of the situation you’re in for a while will give you the perspective you need and the ability to focus on yourself and figuring out your own needs and make the appropriate changes. We are all capable of changing and coping…try not to always take the easiest way out or the way society says is best….think for yourself! Society and religious rules are there to control us….do you not think you’re capable of being a good or decent person without someone else telling you how to do it? Do you think you wouldn’t have your own set of values or morals if no one else told you what to have? We are born and die alone…we need to rely on our own selves first and foremost and then integrate others. Just my two cents worth! Peace.