Men and Emotional Intimacy
A man who can cry is a man who has learned some secrets about intimacy. But sadly, for many men it takes something tragic or life-changing before they understand this truth.
Here are a few ways you can tell if the man you love has trouble with intimacy or struggles to open up:
- He’s unable to discuss his feelings.
- He’s determined to avoid his feelings.
- He’s unable to express love, sorrow, or pain.
- He’s unable or unwilling to cry.
- He’s determined to make all situations into a joke.
- He’s determined to lighten the mood or change the topic when emotional issues are discussed.
- He physically leaves the room when emotional issues are discussed.
- He’s insensitive to the emotions of those around him.
Most men–unfortunately–do not undergo such traumatic experiences as the one described above. Yet many boys emerge from adolescence with a strong sense that being strong and unfeeling is the “masculine” thing to do. When a male brain is saturated in testosterone, it doesn’t take much, even from well-meaning family members, to give a boy the message that emotions and feelings are only for girls.
Here are some things your husband may have heard when growing up–things that may have shaped him into a seemingly uncaring person:
- “Don’t cry unless you’re hurt.”
- “Tough it out.”
- “Boys don’t cry.”
- “Only sissies get hurt feelings.”
- “It’s a sign of weakness to let people know you’re hurting.”
If you love a man who doesn’t seem to be able to express his feelings, you might want to consider using word pictures to help him identify what’s going on inside. A word picture uses a story or object to simultaneously activate the emotions and intellect of the hearer. As a result, he experiences your words rather than just hearing them.
It’s important to realize that helping your husband learn to express his feelings will take time. You might have to use several examples or try for several days, weeks, or even months before he is able to feel and share with you what’s in his heart. And until he reaches that point, he won’t be able to connect with you on an emotional intimate level.
Based on what I’ve learned in my many years of counseling, I’ve found that a woman’s definition of intimacy is very different from a man’s. Consider the following lists:
What women mean by intimacy
- Deep emotional connection
- Daily time sharing your heart
- Daily time hearing the heart of the one you love
- Ability to cry easily and together at emotional moments
- A sensitivity to know immediately when feelings are hurt
- Understanding each other’s dreams and goals
- Closeness of the heart and soul
What men mean by intimacy
- Deep physical connection
- Foreplay
- Hand-holding, hugging, kissing
- Understanding each other’s physical needs
- An ability to communicate physical needs
- Physical time alone together
- A sensitivity to know when physical needs are present
One of the reasons men may be more focused on physical closeness is that men aren’t as sensitive to physical touch as women are. In other words, it takes more physical touch to meet a man’s physical needs. In the same way that a woman has twice the daily word count, a man has twice the need for physical stimulation.
The point is this: Women often feel unloved because their emotional needs aren’t being met, and in the same way, men often feel ignored because their physical needs aren’t being met.
I think the problem is clear at this point: Guys have trouble with true emotional intimacy.
Read Gary Smalley’s book, Connecting With Your Husband, to learn more about your relationship.
© Copyright 2003 Smalley Relationship Center
WHAT A LOAD OF [removed]. Seriously.
“Guys have trouble with true emotional intimacy.”
No.
Women make it well known to men that they demand emotional intimacy yet won’t ever be attracted to a man who is in touch wit hhis feelings. They want a man who is in touch with HER feelings. Only.
DF,
I’m sorry to hear that you were disappointed by something that you read on our site, but I was quite surprise to hear you refer to Dr. Smalley as “somebody who clearly did no reading on the real current research on psychology of genders and sociological studies” Dr. Smalley is the author of 28 best selling books, has 35 years’ experience as a counsellor and has spoken as a relationship expert on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Larry King Live and many others. You are welcome to discount his findings if you like, but his credentials are pretty solid.
Erica – I’m sure it is not true that he never shows love, affection, feeling or you would not love him. We choose men who reflect our hidden secret fears. We love those who hide their feelings, because we understand. God created us to be drawn to the one who will force us to bring up our own healing. It may not be the same, but if you will look at his fear, you will find it in yourself. You may be 10 degrees and he’s 80 degrees, but that’s his gift to you that you can’t miss the NEED. The “need” is ours, we own it, we are responsible for it. Heal it in yourself and it will either heal in him (but don’t do it for that reason) or he will leave because your knowledge of it now makes it unavoidable to be a secret. Either way, you learn the lesson and open up and become a more loving person. He has the right to not open up, if he doesn’t want to. But, we should never try to open them up and put it all on them – they are there to reflect what is within us. No victims – even though it feels like that – that is just the beginning to get our attention. Sit in a quiet space, write it down, have a conversation with God about your relationship and ask Him to reveal to you why this “need” is hurting and missing within you. The knowledge that will come is for you, to heal the “void” within you. What we seek in others, we are really looking for within ourselves. Men seem strong emotionally so we think they can fix it for us. They do, just not in the way we expect. Hang in there Erica. Be willing to do what you’re asking from him. He does connect because you said he gives you advice and listens. So, what are you really looking for from him? Men do know when we are seeking from them what is not theirs to give. A good man will avoid filling a gap that is only ours (and Gods) to fill; a bad man will fill it with himself and his twisted idea. You are fortunate to not have the latter. May I pray for you, Erica… Heavenly Father, be with Erica, anchor her within herself so that all her outer interactions are coming from the well spring of her soul and that her love is a cup that overflows and not a web that binds or sticks. Teach her the freedom of love, the responsibility of love, and the balance of the two so that she may create within her a heart that makes You proud and her happy. And for her mate, if he is from You for her, then I ask that his eyes be open and he be a witness of her love and freedom during this transformation and that it touches him and allows him to trust and open to her and to You and that they have a deep love – the kind You create – the love that heals and births the best selves You desire for us. If he’s not ready, give her wisdom and guidance to either be patient or to be free if that be Your Will. And it is done. Thank you!
Wow! DF – Hold your horses! LOL! You are deeply into this subject.I sense you are trying to find your footing in the reality of relationships. Yes, maturity is an important part of any relationship. More importantly, maturity means empathy (putting yourself in someone else’s place)and compassion (loving with passion that is unselfish). No, we are not supposed to sacrifice ourselves, but our egos – that’s the only way we heal each other. The battle between men and women is a “divide and conquer” strategy the devil has used for a long time. The Native Americans believe each person is male and female so to go against either is to go against yourself. Christ teaches we are neither male or female. Yet there are some general “stereotypes, if you will” that go with the genders in each generation. Forget all that, and make your goal to not only find love, but to become love. That means the challenges that come are to give you that opportunity. Demanding love with only work for a little while. Whatever is in front of us is to bring about that change within ourselves. When we genuine love, we will love ourselves and our partner. People have fears, hurt, pain, memories – if we don’t commit to healing those things in each others and ourselves, what good are we? What good is love? It’s not some romantic fantasy. The lack of sex is only a symptom that trust and connection needs a re-charge. A myriad of reasons lie behind that, but they are yours to figure out for your relationship. You can be proud and fall. Or you can be loving and heal – regardless of what your partner ends up choosing. The power of the feminine is love; it’s dark side is control. We choose. I would prefer to be rejected 100x if that what it takes for me to circumcise my heart to truly love. Virtue is a gift we give to our own hearts – no one can make it for us or take it from us – it is ours to create. It’s not easy, but it starts with pain and anger telling us something is wrong; from there we listen to our hearts, listen to what God has shown us of love, and then asked to be changed/transformed into Love. Then, it’s only natural to attract Love and share love and overflow love. Our husbands are our iron sharpening iron to love deeper; and we are theirs to do the same.
On another note: Saying that men have an inability to express emotion either is learned or innate, it is only giving them more reason to act the same way. People act the way they are told they are expected to act. Look at the movie “Do the right thing” A good refernce to illustrate this fact.
Men have to be held responsable for their bad attitudes towards women, and helped overcome their insecurities. Women are the same souls as men but with a different costume, we are not a different species.
A few hundred years ago men were wondering if women even had a soul, and then they were wondering if it was as worthy as that of a cat or dog, or less, and every era came along with the similar stupidities. Women must be angels and men animals, so let’s act like animals because that is what is expected of us anyways, right?
It is hard to be both man and woman and part of that difficulty is what we are turned into by the stupid village.
I do have a lot of pitty for these poor men, however I am most certainly not going to nurture them at the expense of my own hppiness and self esteem.
Oh and I love to see men misinterpretting the scriptures in helping themselves at opressing women to their own advantage! Women, are human beings of equal worth in the eyes of God, and hope you treat them equally or you will sin in the same way you would if you beat a poor helpless child on the street. Men who feel superior to women in any way, are not inspired by God. YOu should not feel superior to any human being on Earth. Men have to also submit to their wives in the same way and satisfy all the woman’s need first before their own! It goes both ways BTW.
Erica, do you like being ignored and not loved? If you do, stay in that relationship, if you don’t find someone else. I’ve been dating 2 guys like yours and I coudn’t take their crap anymore and moved on in less than 2 months. Dumped their sorry asses before they got to say hey.
Love yourself, be strong and know what you want in life. You’ve got unsolved issues? Go solve them at the shrink, maybe they will help you choose better men. I know I have my issues I’ve been working on. Hey we all have them, nobody is perfect.
Good luck!
I am not pleased to see another opinionated article like this. Stereotype and stereotype and stereotype and give men a reason to act like jerks, and give women more grief and work to do that is not theirs to do! If your man is a jerk, tell him, give him time to correct himself. Let him get therapy happy pills whatever works to be able to do his duty towards his wife, and if he fails because of his own stubborn attitude, dump him and move on. You’ll be better off without him trust me!
Studies show that overall single women are happier than married ones. Unlike men who tend to be the opposite.
MEn with emotional problems need psychotherapy because they are immature and have never evolved from boys to adults. A man like that usually treats women like they are a different species, rather than simply other human beings with their own individual needs.
Men and masculinity is over diagnosed. The problem here is lack of maturity. Like a child they feel the whole world revolves around them and everybody has to deliver to them in exchange for nothing.
I can bet that these men never feel pitty for a sick person, or a misfortunate or a sick animal, because they are too self centered and too self absorbed to notice another’s pain in general.
You CANNOT change a person unless HE or SHE wants to change! So leave the boy go back to his childhood issues and let him solve them.
Not because they had bad moms. The moms did to the best of their knowledge in a tough time when raising children was left only on the woman’s head, instead for the whole community and family aknowledging how hard it is to raise a child into an adult especially the child of the opposite sex. This is the hardest job that it is never aknowledge by people, and it is sad because it takes a village to raise a child, and even though everybody knows that is true nobody applies that knowledge. The village is doing a very very poor job at educateing men and women to understand closeness differently!
Men and women were created to complement eachother including emotionally and any other aspect, but the damn village is separating them by teaching them all the wrong things!
Be a player! Yeah, women have reached a high level of economic autonomy, they no longer deepnd on us and they can dump our asses anytime if we give them crap. Why get emotionally involved and have to work hard all the time to impress a woman when I can just decieve them emotionally to gain control over their life that way. Yeah tell them they are fat, vcuz that will lower their self esteem and they will accept to be treated like crap. They’ll think they diserve it.
Women don’t even need relationships! They do fine by themselves they are very self sufficient that way. They can get sex pretty much everywhere easily also. But the village is telling them that if they do not desire marriage they are not normal. So we tell women to want love and marriage, and we tell men to not wish such a thing, but instead hunt for females like they are a different species.
The problem is within the man, and only he can fix it if he wants to. There is nothing a poor woman can do but bring it up openly and give an ultimatum for change…
And that’s my rand about this silly unrefferenced little opinion of somebody who clearly did no reading on the real current research on psychology of genders and sociological studies. Please document yourself and produce a more unbiased opinion regarding this issue rather than giving your loose opinion. Women are not responsable for their men’s bad behsviour!!!!! The men have to take full responsibility of it alone. If men are able to offer the appropriate level of emotional intimacy, the physical level will also function, because they are connected. These men try to fill their void created by their emotional handicap with more physical closeness, and women don’t like to feel used for sex, they want to feel apreciated like real human beings first. What is so hard to understand?
I’m not sure, this may turn out to be a good read, never read it but it is directed to men with emotional immaturuty and how they can help themselves: “Mothers, Sons and Lovers” Let me know if it’s agood read or not.
I have been dating this guy for a year and some months. One problem I have with him is that he won’t open up and that just make me steer away to move on to someone else. But we have this connection. It’s just that I know he is hiding his emotions. Like I can share my whole life and tell him how I feel and when I ask him he gives me advice about what I should do. But never tell me how he feel about certain things and that scares me. Cause I love him but he shows no love no feeling nor emotion so what should a girl do?
once a month? I’m ready to divorce my husband for once a month sex. Sex and money are the biggest causes of divorce. Once a month is only 12 out of 365 days a year? Why be married?
Just wanted to share another tip I picked up while looking to get a broader perspective on spiritual truth. While doing so, I found a tid bit worth sharing now. We all know that Jesus Christ was the celibate type – in that regard he was like the Essenes and many others. This was reinforced by the Jewish practice to keep only one wife….and the generally advised effort to monogamy and monogyny. Well, there are some old yogic schools [admittedly Hindu] which actually advise people to only have sexual relations once or maybe twice monthly throughout the adult life. This is just to share information, as i hadn’t been aware of that at all until about 2 weeks ago but the advice comes from like 3000BC
Several of your points are based on out-dated or misinterpreted studies. And worse, in some instances, your own anecdotal experience which we have no way of evaluating or verifying,
Specifically:
“One of the reasons men may be more focused on physical closeness is that men aren’t as sensitive to physical touch as women are. In other words, it takes more physical touch to meet a man’s physical needs. In the same way that a woman has twice the daily word count, a man has twice the need for physical stimulation.
The point is this: Women often feel unloved because their emotional needs aren’t being met, and in the same way, men often feel ignored because their physical needs aren’t being met.
I think the problem is clear at this point: Guys have trouble with true emotional intimacy”
Additionally, you make rash and over-broad generalizations in the quoted section above and in the gender separated intimacy lists.
Furthermore, assuming your assumptions are true (and they are not)why would it be appropriate to burden the wife with teaching the husband how to be emotionally intimate? Will you be writing an article soon proposing that men can teach their wives how to be physically intimate? It seems logical since you insist on such a stereo-typically bifurcated set of gender definitions that fail even on a basic level of defining the true spectrum of gender experiences and behaviors.
Also, your assumption that women use twice as many words as men in a given day is a generalization AND a myth…
There is some credence to the fact that our society discourages emotional development in men, but there is also a large body of research to suggest men and women ARE different in several fundamental neurological ways.
I feel like you are pedaling misinformation and encouraging and ignorant and overly simplistic view gender. Perhaps you should cite sources for the information you provide, apart from that you labeled as being from your own personal experience.
No disrespect meant, but I do have a real problem with several of your assumptions and assertions.
That is good news Suzanne. You’re right, it can be uncomfortable re-establishing healthy patterns in a relationship but the more you practice them the more comfortable it becomes. It is like the saying in AA, “Fake it before you make it” Your hearts may not always be in it but the more you intentionally choose to be vulnerable with each other soon your heart will join in.
And you are also right about the power of prayer. When we look to God for help He is always ready to create a miracle. May He accomplish a beautiful miracle in your lives.
Thank you so much for all your support and prayer. I really appreciate your kind words. In the last few weeks my partner has seen my unhappiness with this issue and has tried real hard to get over this hurdle. We seem to have surpassed this obstacle for the moment and hope that we continue showing our love and commitment to ourselves in the future. He is a very loving and great person and it’s true, he was determined to fix it. Often it is just hard to get over the uncomfortable stage and how you will feel in the moment ect… I believe your prayers have helped us and hope they will continue to. I hope this intimacy will show itself on a regular basis to remain in our lives permanently and not get forgotten. I also hope that everyone is well and gets their prayers answered also. I will pray for you.
Although it is understandably painful and frustrating to feel there is a lack of intimacy and sex in the marriage, what is so nice about it? Many other people find that they only have a partner ‘for sex’ or when there is a lot of sex in their relationship and perhaps there is a lot of fear or lack of commitment. So, in this case, apparently the sex is still central: because if it wasn’t the marriage would not be dependent upon the celibacy of the couple or upon their sexual connection but it is nice that there is obviously quite a strong commitment there.
Suzanne and Rejected you have made some very good points that I think are very important to remember in our relationships with our husbands. There are physical biological factors that can hinder a man’s sex drive, and when they are coupled with someone who already has either intimacy issues or perhaps a terrible self esteem(no one really loves me anyway syndrome) then it becomes a mountain in his life. Low testosterone is a huge issue, but so is obesity, and sleep apnea. Other issues are medications such as those for depression, and blood pressure. Communication is such a key issue and it will almost always be the wife who has to initiate it because the husband is already struggling with not being able to provide for his wife in physical ways, or not able to when he does try.
Thank you both for openly sharing your personal stories with their highs and lows and in that way encouraging others to share as well.
Suzanne, You’re a great communicator and I’m sure that is one of the many attractive qualities you possess. I agree with Miriam Pia that you could go to counseling on your own. Keep in mind that can sometimes alienate a partner more. You must get your own guidance from within. It’s your life and you are the best person to guide it. God wrote the manual in the heart of a woman. All we have to do is not be manipulators or self-seeking – coming from our minds of how to get what we want/need. But rather, from the place of our hearts, God has given us a deep understanding of relationships and men. Fear of being unlovable or undesirable can block that – so just know that whatever is going on is neither of those – YOU ARE LOVABLE AND YOU ARE DESIRABLE. You have the greatest skill, the greatest gift, to give to your husband – an understanding heart and excellent objective, compassionate communication. Sometimes men, they need a bit more than that and need a “motivator” to get on the ball. We are a driving force for men to feel like men and we are the gift from God to motivate and facilitate that (just as they are for us). Much by praise and a little by challenge. It’s when we imagine that making a man perfectly happy and never asking for anything that they become bored or take us for granted. When we all know – most men don’t throw away their imperfect car, tools, etc. – they’d rather fix the ones they have than get new ones. They like to fix things, that’s their nature. We just have to give them things they can fix without blaming them for those things being broken in the first place. And, we need other women to help us through things so we aren’t brokenhearted, because when we are, we are coming from a place men don’t understand but are afraid of because they think it’s their fault. Plus, we are talking about a very intimate part of both men and us and we have to be gentle, but firm. May I pray for you…
Heavenly Father, what a beautiful spirit and heartfelt communicator You have in Your daughter Suzanne. You know her husband and You know all their challenges and all their strengths. I ask that You would remind both of them to look at each other and remember all those things that make them perfect for each other so that the space between them is filled with admiration, adoration, and joy so much that it squeezes out anything negative. And that braided cord becomes a thrice braided cord and it is better and they are closer than they ever imagined – and You did that for them, Father. We thank you for the vision and we thank You for caring about Your daughters hearts so much. Protect our husbands hearts as well and let them safely trust in us as we trust in You.
I recommend that the wife of the marriage where they need to re-ignite their sensual, intimacy and sexual relationship go ahead and go into counseling even though her husband won’t go at first. That’s common. I may have lost one of my marriages because I refused to make the call when my husband told me that he would participate in marriage counseling if I made the call. We were 30 years old at the time. So, I know it can be hard, but try to avoid being ‘too proud’ – maybe you’re not a proud woman _ I have often tended to be a proud woman, especially when I was younger. It can be good, but esp. if the man is also proud it can cause trouble.
I am so glad I found this group, I feel the same way as Rejected has. I’ve been with the same person for 10 years now and our sex life was great at first, but in the last few years we have had sex only a few times. He is the type that has a hard time with intimacy and anything emotional as he thinks it’s a sign of weakness. I feel very lonely and depressed about the whole thing. Besides this problem we are going thru right now, everything else in our life is great! Recently we’ve been discussing this issue alot, well I have mostly and I suggested we try incorporating intimacy back slowly with massages ect… and only got to the massage part and he had a hard time with it, but he’s trying. I mentionned that we should go speak to a psychologist to help us get past this, but he does not want to go. I guess it would hurt his pride too much and he thinks that it’s only crazy people that go to them, he seems very close minded to this. I’m wondering if I should go first to get the ball rolling. I am at the point now where I crave this intimacy and am going crazy, i’m only 30 years old and don’t want to start over, because he is my best friend, but don’t know how much longer I can go? Last time we went to the doctors she did mention that that his testosterone is low and he has sleep apnea and he is a little overweight. I am hoping to go see the doctor soon and maybe get him some testosterone shots and hope this helps. Please help me!
dear anna– tough prayer–father God i pray for anna for her for you to love her be her husband and lover and comfort anna and i pray for your provision over anna so she can maybe move out. i am praying for you. anna if you want to talk to a mentor go to www. powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor– hope this helps
Anna, My heart aches for you. 40 years of feeling unloved. Definately not God’s plan for your life. I feel your pain and your anger. I hear you say that you don’t want to leave and you are seeking a way to live this way the rest of your/his life.
You have a loving husband in God through Christ. He will fulfill your deepest needs to feel loved. He will heal the pain and anger and show you the good. He will also deal with your husband for neglecting you (in this life or the next). But, don’t desire that. Desire that God fill you up. I would say to Him, “I have been faithful to the point of my needs not being met. Not because he deserved it, but because You made me a loyal person. I feel rejected and alone. I need You to come to me in a deep way. All the intimacy I lack with my husband, I seek and ask for it from You.”
He says “taste of Me and see that I am Good.” He’s not afraid of your emotions or your pain either, so approach Him where you are and let Him hold you in the palm of His Hands and make you the happiest woman you know.
Heavenly Father, I ask that you be with Anna and help her through this so that her heart doesn’t have to harden to survive. I know you don’t want that for her. Give her Your Heart and touch her in a special way. Make her happier than she ever dreamed! Show her what Love really is! Impute it right into her own heart! We ask this in the name of Your Son, Jesus Christ. So let it be done.
I ask everyone who reads this to pray for Anna according to the Will of God.
You are loved Anna. I hope you feel it beginning right now…
My story is short! We have been married 40 plus years.
My husband show no intimacy, affection, and we have had no sex!
He worked nights for over 30 years, and he moved all his stuff down to the basement.
I think I can honestly say we hadn’t ever seen each other naked. After the I DOs were done he totaly ignored me all these years. He admitted he never loved me, so I asked why we married and his answer floored me. He wanted to see what married life was like, and he didn’t like it. So I’ve wasted my entire life with this ugly person! Were in our 60s now and on a fixed income. I can’t leave cause neither one of us would survive, I have no one to run to, no kids or relatives.
Remodeling Design, I am truly glad that you enjoy our website! I also believe it is wonderful! Thank you for your encouraging comment.
Terrific comment, Rejected! I so agree with you. God did not create a disorderly world, but one in which He wants us to live in love and unity. That is also why He created marriage.
Miriam Pia, I do not believe your attitude or your expectations are unrealistic at all. 1 Peter 3:6-8 says:
6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.
7 Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.
8 Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous;[NKJV]
A wife submitting to a husband who loved her with honour, as being heirs TOGETHER to the grace of life, having compassion and being tenderhearted and courteous would have no reason for fear or terror, nor would she have any reason to question if her husband wanted her only for sexual pleasure. I pray you find hope in this, Miriam.
Comments such as those given in reference to this post that refer to women as objects to be used and abused are given by those whom I pray will gain an understanding of the Love of Christ that they currently do not possess, for Jesus surely loved women and men equally, as demonstrated in one instance by His tremendous compassion and mercy granted to the woman brought before Him to be stoned for adultery.
I truly enjoyed your website!
Andrew, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. It’s obvious by what you say and how you say it that a man can only be strong enough to be vulnerable if he trusts Christ.
Miriam Pia, God’s Word says in Romans that we are without excuse to believe in God because Nature/Science makes it so obvious. In nature the male is dominant (in most cases) and he does provide. I have a rooster and hens. He lays down his life for them, provides for them (and only eats after they do), he watches while they peck around and he sees a hawk and makes this sound and the hens run to safety. Even Nature shows God’s design and Nature does not rationalize or argue with the instructions. God’s Word also says that the Earth and all of Creation yearn for the return of Christ. So, as Andrew says, let our hearts year for spiritual things and then we will follow the design. The “world” has gotten in the way of what God has already inscribed in our hearts. The devil and dark forces have hardened our hearts towards one another. The worldly organizations have said they would set us free and have enslaved us all (NOW). The untangling of all these lies do require the Truth and we know Who The Truth is. Thanks be to God!
I wasn’t even going to comment, but then someone else sounded like such a jerk – my feelings were hurt and naturally I reacted to that.
What I came here looking for: I am wondering how to understand issues between women and men about relationship and sex. I don’t really want a sex partner who does not want to know me unless it is for being sexually involved. However, I honestly am curious, is this a misjudgment of mine because I am female? Is this an unrealistic attitude based upon lack of understanding of men, or not?
I am reacting to what Will said. Actually, Jesus Christ preached that a woman should only be subdominant to her husband when he provides for her. I think in reality, for women, the issue that a man needs to be trustworthy and reliable. Most men will be physically stronger than his mate. With proper mutual love and trust and respect for dominance and for subdominance – there will be fewer power struggles. Jesus Christ and God were supportive of women; God and Jesus Christ did not say “It is OK for men to mistreat women” AT ALL.
Thank you, Andrew, for pointing to the True Solution to all of our relationship problems, no matter the source: Jesus Christ, our Almighty Lord and Saviour and Healer! God bless you!
Will, your thoughts are disturbing. Authority doesn’t mean tyranny. Authority and power… also the power to LOVE and HONOR your wife and HER needs. It’s a two-way street, otherwise she is merely a slave. Certainly your silly god did not intend that.
I understand first hand the rejection that a marriage partner faces as my marriage ended in disaster 18 years ago. The most important aspect that I discovered after I was divorced was that I would never be able to intimate with someone again until I allowed Christ through the Holy Spirit to heal my past hurts that I had. Often the lack of a man being intimate has to do with a number of reasons. Typically it is because he has unresolved pain inside his soul and until he decides to deal with the pain through the healing from a close relationship with Christ. If a man earnestly will seek Christ and read scriptures then he will know how to deal with the pain which is to talk about. Often man are very afraid of the rejection that they will face or ashamed so they are unable to discuss this. One avenue that I find to be very helpful with me is to pray with another woman as when you are praying the Holy Spirit will reveal things for you to pray about and the other person is hearing what your confessing to Jesus.
The most important aspect in a relationship is the spiritual side as the spiritual will help heal the heart which helps with intimacy. Yes their are herbs and natural remedies to help increase a mans libo however most often it is as a result of a personal issue that when it is dealt with that things improve. Seek Christ for the answers and he will show you with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
God Bless
Google “naturally increase testosterone and there is plenty out there. It seems pretty common, you just don’t hear about it. Zinc, nuts, raw veggies – all help to increase testosterone and lower estrogen – helping men be healthier – not only sexually, but bone and muscle mass. It is unhealthy for them to lose their sex drive in their 30′s and 40′s, it will have other problems for them besides their wives frustration. I started at http://www.IsItLowT.com and from there googled and found natural ways to help. What is clear is that it is NOT the wife’s fault and it’s not the husband’s fault either, but it is his responsibility. Of course, we can give them more foods that are good for them. They should go to the doctor as well.
lynne,
I’m glad you left an abusive relationship. God has not called women to suffer and live miserable lives at all cost only to save something miserable and useless to them. A marriage only has value if it produces good fruit for the people within it. God loves people more than he hates divorce. God desires for us all to experience and know love and a good life, an abundant one, not one filled with pain and misery. Abuse is never acceptable and should not be tolerated.
Rejected,
I know you have tried everything to fix your marriage; as have I! You don’t make it 7 or 14 years without having tried it all! I’m left with either settle for unhappiness the rest of my life (unless he truly changes this time) or move on.
I agree it is something within them that needs to be healed. My husband is not abusive. He is neglectful. He blows off my need for physical intimacy and struggles with emotional intimacy. He tries harder at the later than the sexual. He sees me as his equal. We make major decisions together or they don’t get made. He respects me as a person. He doesn’t beat me. We rarely fight. He is my best friend. However, that’s all he is- my friend. I did not sign up for just a friend! I didn’t need to get married to have a friend. Marriage should be as much sexual as it is emotional or anything otherwise. To reject your spouse sexually is to reject them on a very deep level and the emotional wounds this causes is harsh. I call it abandonment for that is what it is, in my opinion, when a spouse refuses marital relations. Rejection and abandonment. Seems as long as his needs are met, mine don’t matter. He’s very selfish, very withdrawn, distant, emotionally cold. May as well not be married because this is a joke being called a marriage.
However, I will agree in prayer with you that God will heal our husbands of their root issues that caused this within them.
Take care,
Michele
Lynne, Thank you and I’m glad your life is happy now. Michele and I don’t have abusive and selfish husbands. We have heart-broken, wounded husbands. A good friend of mine for 15 years just revealed to me that he had the same problem. We are friends and didn’t speak of these things, but he recently got in a serious relationship for the second time in all the years I’ve known him and he is a wonderful man with great respect and honor for women. He said his problem (he went to the doctor for his wife) is low testosterone. He is getting shots and they are helping. Perhaps a major problem is biochemical with these men as well. My opinion is a thought starts it and there is still healing on an emotional level that caused the physical/chemical imbalance. Both need to be treated and both are treatable, if a man is willing. At least I have some hope now. Thank you everyone for allowing me to share and for your input and honesty. Michele, I will agree in prayer with you and I ask you to do the same with me, that our husbands get the healing and help they need so they are free, and we are free, because WHO THE SON SETS FREE IS FREE INDEED and God created us as husband and wife to share intimacy. So be it. It is done! In the name of Jesus Christ we ask and believe for this, Your Will, to be done. Thank You, Father. You are a Good Father who withholds no good thing from us. Help us to be the virtuous wives that these men need.
I have been divorced for 6 years after a 20 year marriage to a selfish and abusive
Man. What I have come to realize is that this idea of sacrificing your own happiness to
Help your spouse with his or her personal problems or issues is so misguided.people. will change
Only if they have the desire or the motivation…sometiimes losing your spouse is that motivation..
Sometimes not. Either way at least you are finding your own happins…which is what we all deserve! There’s nothing wrong with living your life and being happy and letting your spouse find his or hers. Stop the guilt! Good luck!
P.S. – I have told him I would do whatever it takes to help him through it. I have told him that I love him no matter what/unconditionally. I have told him that we can move/transform this with God’s help. But, he believes this is who he is and he can’t help it. When they’ve been this way since childhood – they think this is WHO THEY ARE. The longer we sacrifice and stay with them, we are showing that this behavior qualifies under the category of LOVE and IT DOES NOT! GOD HELP US!
Michele, thank you for being so honest and forthcoming. I can’t tell you how much it helps me to know I’m not the only one. It’s obvious that your husband loves you or he wouldn’t even try. My husband is a good man, too. I don’t doubt his love for me either. It’s just that this is so personal and the wives can’t help their own husbands. I mean, Jamie sent an email asking me to consider that I’m the perfect woman from God for him and I can help him. What does she think I’ve been doing for 7 years; and you for 14 years?! After this much time we are just enablers! These men need help that their wives can’t give them. And, if you think they go to Jesus – come on – if a man can’t be open with his own wife in front of him, giving her life for him – do you really think he is going to go to Jesus for help? If a man can’t have intimacy with his wife whom he has promised to love (and does love) then how will he have intimacy with Christ and God? Remember, Ephesians Chapter 5 – MARRIAGE IS THE REFLECTION OF CHRIST AND THE CHURCH – our very own SALVATION! If it ain’t happening in a marriage for a man, he sure isn’t doing it vertically either. So, I feel that the answer was biased – be the perfect woman for the man – and no accountability or responsibility to the husband to be SCRIPTURALLY SUPPORTIVE OF HIS WIFE – his very own flesh, according to God. God created a wife to be cherished and loved; to be the crown of a man’s life. Not the one he withholds from, rejects, and abandons on an emotional and physically intimate level. These “issues” in a man’s mind can not be resolved by his wife – NO MATTER HOW PERFECT SHE IS FOR HIM OR TO HIM – these are HIS issues and he needs help outside of the marriage. BUT, they won’t get it, because it’s too INTIMATE! So, unless someone can write something that will help a woman TRULY know how to reach this protected and defended part of a man KNOWING that it is NOT her fault, but his wounds being held onto and projected, then there is NO HOPE! Perhaps we should write Dr. Phil, Michele and see if he will be brave enough to face this issue. As a man, perhaps he can help men see that punishing the wives who love them and are desperately sacrificing their deepest needs for their “safety” will help men and thus, help their wives. I am seeking God. I have been seeking God. Now, I see that all I have done is enable him to hold onto his “fear” while I “sacrifice” and God does not demand that we do this for 7 years, or 14 years. If a man can’t get that we are trustworthy after this point, we need to shout out a serious wake up call, but then the men, our husbands, the love of our lives, need somewhere to go to get the help through it!!!!!
Rejected, I was listening to a guy talk about marriage problems the other day on the radio and he claimed that marriage issues are easy to deal with. But most of the problems in marriages aren’t marriage issues but personal issues that affect the marriage. From your description, I would say that your husband has some personal issues that have not been dealt with well. The thing that will make a difference in your marriage is finding a way to help him deal with those issues in his life. I know there is a tendency to allow his issues to become a wall between the two of you. Also, so often the symptoms of his personal issues (i.e. the lack of intimacy) become the arguing points that build up higher and more solid walls between you. I wonder if you can make a shift in your thinking: could it be that God has put you two together because you are just the kind of woman that your husband needs to deal with his personal issues? What if you approach your marriage with the desire to do whatever it takes to help your husband face his issues and find healing? In my life, the only solution to my personal issues has been discovering Jesus’ healing touch. I love the promise we find in the Bible that says, “What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun!” (2Corinthians 5:17) That promise is true for you and for your husband. Have you heard about that promise before?
Rejected,
I feel your pain. My relationship is VERY similar to yours. I have been married to a man like that 14 years. I’ve tried everything I can possibly think of to no avail. I had to ask myself, is it really marriage if there is no sexual and emotional intimacy? Not only do I feel rejected, I feel abandoned. I’m one of the lonliest people yet I’m married! This shouldn’t be. I need sex and physical affection. Without it, we are nothing but roommates. He’s not fulfilling his part of the marriage. I have to beg for sex. Im rejected most of the time. What’s the worst is everyone assumes it’s my fault he doesn’t want sex if he’s not gay or having an affair. It just isn’t true. I’m not the problem, he is. I’m the sexual one. He’s not. It actually is a common thing that isn’t talked about, rejected. This I have learned from searching out answers to this problem. No amount of lip stick, perfume, lingeie, or willingness for sexual adventure in the bedroom will fix this problem (as you well know) because the problem is not you and I, it’s them.
I have to say that after suffering through this miserable marriage for 14 years, I truly feel for men whose wives never want sex. It’s not just a rejection of sex, but of your partner. It’s more complicated than that though, as many women would have more sex with their spouse if theiir men treated them with love and respect.
I’m honestly at the point of giving up. I have told him so recently and he has promised more sex and affection after I asked for a divorce. I have been hopeful but not optimistic. We have been around this mountain for 14 years. Thus far sex has increased from once a month if I’m lucky to once a week. It hasn’t been long though and I doubt it will last. Here’s the problem though, I still don’t feel wanted or desired when I have to force him to have more sex and affection with me by telling him I want a divorce. His heart isn’t in it, in other words. He’s only doing what he thinks he has to in order to keep me. But there is no passion, desire, need for me in his heart. It takes all the fun out of it and renders it meaningless. So, here I still stand at a crossroad. Waiting to see what happens. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst.
Anyway, I feel your pain. Hope you figure it out.
What about a man who can cry at movies or commercials even, but can’t handle talking about anything that is personally painful or even serious without getting angry? A man who doesn’t like sex and makes excuses like “I’ve never been sexual, I’m more spiritual”? What is a woman/wife supposed to do? It’s going on seven years of this lack of intimacy – not only sex – but basic affections and emotional support. I’ve brought the subject up many times and no change. Is there no hope and I either live with it or leave? When a man fears personal emotions and doesn’t trust women in general – how can change ever happen? I’m losing my faith in his ability or willingness for change. He says ever relationship he ever had, he was cheated on. I’m beginning to sense that he sets it up that way as a self-fulfilling prophecy so he can prove that women are the ones who are not trustworthy. A feminine souled man, who has a masculine mind – a conflict that no woman can heal or help. No books are written – only on the typical masculine male. I don’t know what to do, but I can’t really stand the rejection much longer.
Michele, I am really interested in hearing a more detailed description of why you state that scriptures have been mistranslated on the issue of submission. But I also don’t want to get too far off the topic of this article dealing with Men and Emotional Intimacy. Could I ask you to go over to an article entitled “Should Wives Really Submit?” at http://powertochange.com/experience/life/submission and post a comment there about how you see scripture mistranslated? That way we don’t have to distract this page from its purpose. Thanks! I look forward to reading your comments there.
All this talk about submission of wives and dominance of husbands is just crap wrapped in more crap and shoved down women’s throats to stroke fragile male egos and pleasure the sin nature of man which wishes to control. It’s all demonic garbage that destroys marriages rather than fixing them. It is ultimate selfishness which is not love and is not from God. The scriptures on submission were grossly and purposefully mistranslated by misogynistic, not born again believers. Purposeful adding to scripture and twisting of words, sentences, and grammar structure to make Gods word appear to say God demands a wifes submission to her husband when that is not the original texts at all. Enough is enough. This unloving, unfruitful, demonic teaching needs to be revealed for the lie that it is and discarded from the whole church and every Christian marriage. Quit shoving this drivel down our throats and get busy loving your wives instead of wanting slaves.
Sheila, do you have people that you can talk to about the struggles you have in your relationship? You may find it helpful to connect with one of our online mentors. They are a safe place to share your struggles and get another view point of what is happening. You can find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor
Lord God, I pray for Sheila as she learns to love this man that you have brought into her life. Help them both to be able to clearly express themselves to each other and find a way their love can grow and mature. Amen.
Thank you for this article Dr. Gary Smalley. It was exactly what I was looking for. I’m trying to learn about unconditional love and relationships. I’m having a really hard time with my boyfriend who I plan to marry because he is exactly the things you described and I am totally emotional. Sometimes when we are spending time apart he barely or never calls me just to talk. It’s always with a purpose to get some help or even something normal to ask me out. But i find myself calling just to talk and ask how he is. I don’t think he even understands why I do that. Today I called him and read this article to him and he admitted that he is like that. I cried actually and asked please will u call me from now on just to talk. And he said okay but I make him feel guilty when I cry. I told him sorry because i hate to make him feel that way, it’s just i’m super sensitive. Anyways, sorry I just rambled on. Thank u again for the article.
What an interesting topic Dr. Gary Smalley has explained here! The different ways that men & women express intimacy is worth noting. I think Claire (on Sept 15th) is expressing herself very clearly, and gets the discussion back on topic. Is it not about the differences between the sexes, rather than male dominance? I truly feel sorry for the women who are abused because men do not understand how to express feelings like women do, or how to love unconditionally (which brings out the best in her), or just “do not know how to love” as Kat says.
A book that has helped both my wife & me is “The 5 Love Languages”, in which Gary Chapman says that each one of us has a different way of expressing love. These 5 are: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Find out what you spouse appreciates, and learn that language, then you will both KNOW that you’re loved.
That, added to Dr. Smalley’s explanation should help most of us to make a marriage truly beautiful. Seeking to live in God’s will, is here taken for granted. May God’s LOVE shine through each one of us!
This is odd to see it. So much focus on authority and submission. wow.
The scriptures are right and tell us the right thing to do. The problem is that we use it not to improve ourself and respect the command of the Lord but to whip eeach other with it. the scripture about submission is directed to Women not men. it was given to women as a direction in their marriage by the Lord. It was not given to men to remind their wives what their responsibilities are and demand respect and authority. If this is the only thing that you think will get your marriage going then you have a problem. after all it says men shoul love their wives like Christ loved the Church, right? Who gave himself first? Christ or the Church? ‘we were sinners and yet Christ gave his life for us’. Did he say ‘I will only love you when you obey my authority and pay respect?’ No. So why men behave this way? Jesus loves us unconditionally yet men think wife has to deserve his love by paying respect? Will you sound more like a Moslem than a Christian. I am not saying Women should not submit to their husband at all or only when he is loving. I am just trying to point out that there has been to much influence on the subject of submission of women and toolittle on the subject of men loving their wives. Just like you struggle to show your wife your love she will sometimes struggle to submit to you. After all it is about Love. God is love not tyrany. If you do not want to love your wife FIRST like Christ loved us FIRST how can you expect to be a leader in a household and expect your wife to respect you? I live with a narcissist husband and I can never do enough for him to love me. I can do 1000 right and he will find one fault somewhere and this will be enough to treat me like a doormat. And I used to cry and wonder what is wrong with me until I came to realise he does not know how to love. I give a lot of love in our family and everyone is feeding off it. I feed off the love Jesus has for me and this is what enables me to love my husband unconditionally. I am a leader in my house because I give more love. When my husband learns to love more than what he gets I’ll hapilly step down and let him take the lead because I’ll be able to trust him with my heart and my children’s as well but for now there is no way I will let the abuse continue! He uses the same scriptures in the same way that you do. Many husbands do. It is not about what she can do for you or submit. It is about your heart. What happens often is when woman submits her hear gets crushed by her husbands big boots and the trust is ruined and submission becomes mission impossible. If you have a problem with your wife it is the time to look at your heart and your love for her. If there is not much of it there there will be not much respect in her heart for you. Maybe it’s time to get saved Will and read the scriptures with an open heart not just eye. Religion will destroy you knowing Jesus personally will transform you. You need to look at the scriptures for YOU first. It is YOu that has the probem’ not your wife. She may be a trigger to your feelings towards her but she is not the cause. The cause is in your heart. God bless you :o)
Wow, Will. Nothing like cramming Scripture down someone’s throat. Are you married? I wonder how your wife feels about your overbearing spirit. The fact is that I agree with your biblical assessment, but your attitude and delivery need some hard work! Women could just as easily say that if men would focus on THEIR responsibilities (e.g. love their wives as Christ loved the Church), there would be no need for this website! What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, yea?
The Bible also says that we are to submit one to another! Furthermore, YOU have no idea what it is like to be a woman. It appears from the tone of your post that you don’t think you need to even try to understand one another. We are simply to listen to our husbands and stop trying to make them listen to us? How selfish you come across. Why is it that the drunkard knows the verse, “try a little wine for your stomach’s sake,” and the overbearing man knows, “submit to your husband”? Hmm? How often do you study the admonition to men to love their wives AS Christ loved the Church and GAVE Himself for her? That is YOUR responsibility as a husband. Maybe you should think more about developing that in yourself and less about demanding that wives submit to their husbands! After all, you yourself said that that is THEIR responsibility!
Wow, Will. Nothing like cramming Scripture down someone’s throat. Are you married? I wonder how your wife feels about your overbearing spirit. The fact is that I agree with your biblical assessment, but your attitude and delivery need some hard work! Women could just as easily say that if men would focus on THEIR responsibilities (e.g. love their wives as Christ loved the Church), there would be no need for this website! What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, yea?
The Bible also says that we are to submit one to another! Furthermore, YOU have no idea what it is like to be a woman. It appears from the tone of your post that you don’t think you need to even try to understand one another. We are simply to listen to our husbands and stop trying to make them listen to us? How selfish you come across. Why is it that the drunkard knows the verse, “try a little wine for your stomach’s sake,” and the overbearing man knows, “submit to your husband”? Hmmm? How often do you study the admonition to men to love their wives AS Christ loved the Church and GAVE Himself for her? That is YOUR responsibility as a husband. Maybe you should think more about developing that in yourself and less about demanding that wives submit to their husbands! After all, you yourself said that that is THEIR responsibility!
Will, It’s not your gender, or mine, that is getting tangled here, nor does your gender, or mine, affect my reading comprehension. Be assured of that. I’m not sure what you were expecting. If you thought that people would read your post and suddenly be overcome with an urgent need to agree with you, then you’re in for a long wait.
We disagree on a deeply theological basis. You claim that I was made for my husband, and that simply is not true. I was made for God, for HIS purposes. God did not say, “Let us make man in our image and oh yeah, if there’s a bit left over let’s make women because after all the dishes aren’t going to wash themselves.” Genesis 1:27 states, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” Male AND female. I absolutely believe that God has a plan for my life and yes it is entirely possible that that plan might include a husband and family, but the primary reason I exist is for God’s purposes, not for my future husband’s, not for my own, but for God’s.
I reject your claim that I was “moralizing about how hard it is to be a woman”. You stated that women hate babies and I simply pointed out that if what you said were true no sane woman would ever put herself through the process of pregnancy and childbirth. That is not moralizing, it is simply biological fact. Yes, tragically, there are some women who choose to abort their babies, but equally tragically there are some men who force their wives or girlfriends to terminate a pregnancy. You cannot take the actions of a few and use that as a basis to describe millions of other people. Well, I suppose you can, technically, but you can’t expect anyone to take it seriously.
I can only assume that you came here looking for a fight, I am not going to give you one. I have responded today, I will not respond again. We are not going to change each others minds and I find this conversation tiresome.
In response to Will’s diatribe, all I can say is “ick”….not worthy of any more of my time or energy than that!
I’d like to get people’s opinion on how they feel about why we act “morally” or ”good”. Are we born that way or is it something we can only learn from religion? And since the bible might say something like “turn the other cheek”, does that hold up in all scenarios….like if someone steals your car, should you not press charges? Or more relevant to the previous discussions..if someone physically hurts you or emotionally hurts you by not acting lovingly or acting like Will and pretending to love you…should you just stay and keep turning the other cheek? How does one make the distinction?
Thanks
After reading Will’s disgusting diatribe to Claire (are you for real Will, or are you just some scummy forum flamer?), this is my last mail here and after that I won’t be back because I simply can’t be bothered wasting my breath or energy on these broken, dogma-spewing males who are so terrified of losing control of “their” women.
There’s not a breath of love or compassion or joy in you, and you do not deserve, in any way, shape or form, to have a loving wife and family. You awful excuses for human beings do not deserve even a goldfish.
I thank God there are decent, loving and grownup men in the world who are capable of, need and thrive in an adult, intimate relationship between equals.
Claire and other women who’ve been doing their best to hang in here, don’t let these dreadful, bullying males take another moment of your time or energy. Refuse to accept anything but the best from those around you and associate only with those who respect and honour you.
You know this type of male isn’t good for you or your soul (or your children) from the way you feel you need to take a shower after listening to their poisonous and warped slant on life.
You certainly do not need to justify your humanity or your beliefs to such ugly, flawed beings. They do not want to grow up, they do not want to love their women, they do not want to face their own black hearts. Until they personally desire to heal, they have no hope. All the debate in the world won’t save them. The more you try, the more they’ll retreat into their black little world. The best you can do is leave them to their own devices and let them feel the full consequences of their behaviour and attitudes.
You’re missing the point, Claire. You’re getting entangled in the weeds because a man is telling you the truth, uncouched in femineese. Stop the moralizing about how hard it is to be a woman. The fact remains: you will never be a man. You women have no idea what it is like to be a man. You have no idea what male authority feels like and the responsibility is shoulders us with. You will never understand how horrific it is to a man when a woman rebells against his God given, God mandated authority. You are very foolish to not stick with the message: submit to your husband. Honor the authority of a man. It’s simple, Claire. God says it, just do it without demanding conditions be met. God never once has said to a wife, “Submit to your husband only after he meets your standards and needs.” You were made for your husband (1 Cor 11). You were made as his ‘ezer’ to be his helper and reliever. Just do it. Listen to your husband and stop making him listen to you.
The real question for you, Claire, is: Did God lead you to respond to my post or did you do it on your own with your own reasoning? If your answer is the same question I just asked you, then we have the answer that you refuse to focus on your own responsibilities. If women did so, there would be no need for this website.