What Men Want in a Relationship
How’s your love life? If you have questions and you’re not sure who to ask, talk to a mentor.
I have discovered a stark contrast between what each sex thinks the opposite sex wants from them, and what the opposite sex really does want.
What women think men want from them causes women to have resentment and anger toward men, and feel hopeless about ever developing a wonderful, warm, romantic partnership. What men think women want from them causes them much of the same feelings and frustration.
The sad part is that it does not have to be this way, if only we would realize that both men and women are human beings first and pretty much want the same thing. But, you don’t have to take my word for this.
I asked a number of men and women who are actively involved in personal growth and development what they want from a partner in order to build a great relationship. You will find their answers unexpected. Discover what men said they want from women as contrasted with what women think men want. You’ll also find tips for women to give men what they want, attract a great man, and create a wonderful relationship.
Honest communication is top priority for men. They want a woman who answers questions honestly, and perhaps even volunteers information. They want a woman who confidently asks for her wants and needs to be met. They want a woman who can see the truth and tell it like it is while communicating with kindness. Men want a woman who can communicate without being too critical, who cares about preserving his and her dignity.
Women think men want them to be superficial, to keep quiet about their needs or wants, and never to ask for anything. Women think men believe them to be too needy and too sensitive, and that men simply want women to get over it. Some women believe they do not have the permission to tell it like it is, that they will be rejected for speaking up.
A tip for women
Great men want and need straightforward, courageous communication without anger or criticism. One way to attract a great man and build a satisfying relationship is to learn how to communicate your truth and needs effectively.
2. Men want self-sufficient, secure, confident women.
Men want a woman to choose them out of want rather than out of desperation — either materially or emotionally. Men need to be wanted and needed by their partners, but they want their partners to have a separate identity. Men want a woman to be active and independent, to have her own friends and interests.
On the other hand, men treasure time spent with a loving partner.
Women think men don’t want women to need them. Women think men do not need or appreciate time spent together as a couple. Women believe that showing a man he is needed will turn him off and
possibly make him run away.
A tip for women
Men want what women want — a whole partner. One powerful way to attract a great man and build a vibrant relationship is to create a full, rewarding life for your own fulfillment.
3. Men want a manipulation-free relationship.
Men want no manipulation of any kind. They do not want to read their partner’s mind or try to interpret signals. They do not want to be forced to move faster in a relationship than they are ready. They do not want to be manipulated into taking all the blame for things gone wrong. They do not want to be on the receiving end of game playing.
Women think men want little or no communication, and the only way to get needs met is through manipulation. Women think men either need or want to be reminded that the relationship needs to move forward. Women think men don’t want or value praise and acknowledgment, and so tend to only verbalize criticism.
A tip for women
Men will not tolerate manipulation of any kind for any significant length of time. To attract a great man and build a wonderful relationship learn to ask without hesitation for what you want and need in every area of your life. Learn to be aware of his timing and his time-line. Learn how to acknowledge and bestow praise.
4. Men want growth, personal responsibility, and ownership.
Men want a partner who can laugh at herself and who has courage and strength. They want a woman who can see her part in relationship dynamics and own it. She has to be emotionally stable. Men want a woman who is developing herself personally, and who takes responsibility for her emotional experience.
Women think men only want to have a good time. Women think men have no interest in developing and growing a relationship or developing and growing themselves. Women think men want women who are super models, and that they never consider whether a
woman is emotionally mature, kind, supportive, or loving.
A tip for women
Men want women who are emotionally mature. Maturity does not mean lack of emotions. It does mean the ability to handle emotions responsibly. To attract a great man and build a long-term relationship, learn to take responsibility for your emotional experience and expression.
5. Men want fidelity and a commitment to the relationship.
Fidelity is an absolute must. In fact, men want a woman who does not have a “roaming eye” and who can wholeheartedly commit to the relationship. Many may define commitment as fidelity plus the willingness to work on the relationship — even when the going gets tough.
Women think that all men want is sex, and that men will leave a relationship for the next prettier face. Women think men cannot be trusted to be faithful. Women believe men do not want to work on a relationship; that when the going gets tough, they run.
A tip for women
Here is great news for those women who are resigned to the myth that all men cheat: infidelity and “a roaming eye” are as distasteful to men as they are to women. Great men know how to build a wonderful relationship, and they know fidelity is the main ingredient.
6. Men want women who know how men need to be treated.
Many women treat men in ways that diminish their egos, making them feel inadequate. Men would rather have more praise, more acknowledgment of what they do right, more acknowledgment that they are great guys who are loved and appreciated.
Women think men do not need them, do not value their opinion, their support, their praise. Women also think men do not care about many things important to women, which is why they criticize. Criticism is a way to verbalize resentment.
A tip for women
Most men want acknowledgment and appreciation from women. Learning to acknowledge instead of making your partner wrong is one of the most powerful relationship survival tools available to you.
Now that you know what men want, what about what you want? The desire to love and be loved is the most basic human need. You you realize how deeply God loves you? You are a human being who is loved by God. You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone. Take a minute to think about that – God loves you, and not because of what you do. He loves you for who you are and will never leave you because of anything you’ve done. Isn’t that just the kind of love you’ve always dreamed about?
You might not think of yourself as exceptional, but you are. You are a hand-crafted original. God made you on purpose, no accidents of fate or chance. The Bible says that when God created man and woman He “saw everything that He had made, indeed it was very good.” (Genesis 1:31) God created you and He is interested in the details of your life. The Bible tells us that Gods knows each of us better than we know ourselves – he even knows how many hairs are on your head! (Matthew 10:30)
It’s pretty incredible to think about. The same God who created the stars and turns the colors of the leaves in Fall, created you. You are His masterpiece and He loves you. God created you to have a relationship with Him.
>> Here’s how you can start that relationship with God right now.
Hi Bla la, I am so sorry that you have that negative image of God and His attitude toward women. That is not what is presented in the Bible at all. God does have a standard of moral perfection which no one is able to live up to. But in His great love for us God has sacrificed Himself so that the penalty for our imperfections is paid for and in exchange He has covered us with His perfection. The Bible says, “God made Him [Jesus] who had no sin to become sin for us, so that in Him [Jesus] we could become the righteousness of God.” (2Corinthians 5:21) That is the extent to which God has gone in His love for us. It is not His nature to judge and condemn without grace and mercy. The Bible says, “God loved the world so much that He gave His unique Son [Jesus] so that whoever believes in Him [Jesus] will not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him [Jesus] might be saved.” (John 3:16-17)
And God has not given limited roles to women in this world. The Bible is full of examples of godly women who fulfilled important roles in the plan of God. The genealogy of Jesus recorded in Matthew lists a number of women to show their importance. Jesus was dependent on the help of women for financial support during His three years of ministry (Luke 8:1-3), and Paul often refers to the women who were fellow workers in his ministry of starting churches. It is our human brokenness that has degraded and devalued women but that was never part of God’s plan at all.
A reply to: “Maybe women would not be so insecure if they did not have to live in a world where G*d is a man who constantly judges them, who offers them severely limited roles as wives, mothers or prostitutes. Just saying.” Hahahahaaaaahaahhaa!!! Seriously?! You blame God? This is the poorest and most pathetic excuse I have ever heard.
Oops. That should be God loves us unconditionally!
All of us are living in the flesh–men and women alike. That is not meant to excuse men (or women for that matter) from lusting after others, but it is a fact. Do we as women feel comfortable communicating to our spouses, significant others, etc. that this type of behavior hurts us? Or do we suck it in, chalk it up to “boys being boys”, and have a pity party? First and foremost, we must realize that our Heavenly Father loves us no matter what our shape, size, attributes, perceived shortcomings, etc. God’s loves us conditionally even when we mess up. He covers us with grace. Realizing this fact has helped me deal with the hurt that we sometimes feel in relationships–whether we are married or not. Also, realize that God gave us a brain and words to articulate our feelings to these guys. Speak the truth in love, ladies! Ask God for wisdom in what to say and to give you the courage and the words to tell these men how you feel and how damaging it is to your relationship. It is difficult to do, but consider the alternatives.
Maybe women would not be so insecure if they did not have to live in a world where G*d is a man who constantly judges them, who offers them severely limited roles as wives, mothers or prostitutes. Just saying.
Sandra:
I understand what you are saying………
I didn’t have a problem with my now ex-husband looking at other women.
However, I am experiencing irritating comments from a man I am dating…I am going to check out the article Jamie referred to…..
Hi Sandra, that can be a real struggle for women. Have you read the article “My Husband Checks Out Other Women” at http://powertochange.com/discover/life/checkoutwomen. It talks about that issue and suggests some ways that women can talk through that with their men.
It may be true that men want those things from a women in a relationship suggested in the article. However there is that pesky little thing that seems to be common in men and that is there need to look at other women. Perhaps it is biological or social conditioning or both, but it hurts their women, making them feel unloved or inferior. Now more than ever it seems men are into porn because it is so accessible and they feel I is okay because all guys do it. I think women could do all the things suggested to make their man happy and they would still look at naked young women. It seems a no win situation for women.
Hi Rebecca, You can find the links to articles about what women want in the comment below this one. If you take a look at the title of the article you’ll see that the author states up front that in this one, particular article she is speaking about the needs of men. Love is a big topic. There’s no practical way to include everything in a single article. Take a look at the links I mentioned and you should find the information you’re looking for.
So, where is the part about what us women want? because we pretty much want the same things.
Hi Jeannette, This article (written by a woman) is not intended to be the definitive guide on relationships, rather it’s an answer to a very specific question. The author, Rinatta Paries, is first and foremost a relationship coach and as such I can promise you that she IS interested in what women want it just wasn’t the focus of this one particular article.
The great news is that we do have articles on that topic. You can find two of them here:
What Women Want: Pay Attention
She Wants to Feel Special
Why are there no tips for men of how women want to be treated? If men want commitment, fidelity, understanding, maturity and honesty, are they prepared to give all those things in return? Maybe they should be told? The author is not giving tips to men – is he assuming that men do not try to find out what women want, or are as a rule not looking for relationship advice. Perhaps the author is right in assuming this. Do men want to grow? Do men who engage in destructive or immature behavior in relationship realise that they are doing that? Is it women’s task to educate them after those women have educated themselves. Women carry the world on their shoulders, give us a break.
I meant to say Brenda and Celeste in my previous post. Barbara is another friend of mine and I had her on the brain as I was writing. :-).
Barbara and Celeste,
Thank you for your beautiful words of encouragement. I have taken them to heart and realize that my past relationship was not a healthy one. Be that as it may, I have prayed for my ex and his new girlfriend, wishing them both God’s Blessings. I have also prayed that God continue to lead me and guide me as well. Right now, I feel He is telling me to simply “be still”. Again, thanks so much and may God Bless you always.
COMMITMENT.
ways 2 keep guy intrested
DD,
I am sorry that your relationship ended. Its always painful, even if you know it was for the best.
I’d like to say a couple of things. Don’t beat yourself up and second guess yourself because of what your ex said. (“we didn’t communicate well and we didn’t sense the other’s needs.) That doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you…………it means that you and your ex weren’t compatible.
Jeff, thank you for sharing a very valuable point. It is so important that we, as women, learn what our partners want and need from us, and it is equally important that men are open and honest in expressing their wants and needs with us, rather than expecting women to intuitively know what they desire and becoming critical when that does not happen. Much has been written about women being more intuitive, in general, than men, and that may be true, but the best way to ensure healthy and successful communication in relationships is to openly and honestly express ourselves – speaking the truth with love, and seeking clarification to be certain that we understand what we have heard from our mate.
Thanks again for sharing your viewpoint, Jeff; it is very much appreciated!
DD, I am sorry to hear that your two-year relationship has recently ended, for I know how painful it is when we have dreams and plans with someone, and those things do not develop as we had hoped. However, I want to encourage you in regard to recognizing how very important it is to have open, honest communication in your relationships, and not to have to fear that your thoughts, feelings, and opinions will lead to arguments and upset if your partner does not hold the same viewpoint.
DD, you shared that your ex-boyfriend said that you “didn’t communicate well and [you] didn’t sense the other’s needs.” It is very important to understand that we are not mind readers – nor should we expect one another to be so. For any relationship to be healthy, we have to be able to openly and honestly express our wants, needs, feelings, opinions, hopes and dreams, frustrations, hurts, and pains to our partners. Without this freedom to be ourselves, we will experience continued frustration and disappointment and never learn what is needed to improve the relationship.
In healthy relationships, loving and valuing one another means different outlooks can be held and expressed without either partner feeling disrespected or threatened by the other. Whenever sharing our opinions leads to degradation, put-downs, or angry disagreements because our partner’s outlook is different from our own, we are in a relationship in which we are not accepted and free to be ourselves. This is not healthy, nor is it healthy for any of us to be asked to “determine what we should do to gain another’s attention,” ESPECIALLY while that person is intimately involved in another relationship. Rather than being open and honest, this type of communication is controlling and manipulative, and it never leads to healthy, mature sharing in which both partners are encouraged to grow to be the best that they can be for God, for themselves, and for each other.
DD, I hope you will pray and seek deep into your heart to determine whether you desire to be in a relationship in which you cannot freely express who you are without fearing the anger of your partner, and one in which he is asking you to guess what he wants from you, rather than openly and honestly giving you that information.
Jeff’s comments truly hit home with me. My relationship of 2 years recently ended. One thing my ex said was that we didn’t communicate well and we didn’t sense the other’s needs. He has started a new relationship with a woman who he feels in sync with and who appears to read his mind at times. Although we were close, I would often not speak up to avoid any arguments. Sometimes, I did perhaps “mother him”, since by nature I tend to be a nurturer. At any rate, he states he is still interested in me, but is drawn to her and I should determine what I should do to regain his attention. Thanks for listening.
Hi Alterity, it sounds like you are talking about a situation you are in right now. Is that true? How are you trying to make the relationship healthier? How would you describe what men want?
It would be very nice if the statements in this article were really true. I’ve found that all of what women think men want is actually very much what men want. This sugar coated spin just does not comport with the reality I have experienced.
Mimi — I am so much the same. When a woman wants to be more involved in her guy’s life or wants to assert her boundaries and makes this known, it’s perceived as neediness or pushiness. But that very same guy feels he is entitled to act the same way with impunity. He’ll be needy or pushy, but god forbid we point out their double standard to them.
One point that should be clearly made is that no man wants another mother. We already have one. We want a feminine woman who wants to learn what the man wants and needs and is willing to give it to him.
We don’t want to hear about all the things that we should be doing or that need to be done. We want support and encouragement instead and desire the praise for what we offer.
The more I see of life, the more impressed I am about the fact that God made each of us unique and different than anyone else! We are as diverse as our body-parts are different, and each of us has a unique purpose to fulfill in this life. A friend of mine said that some women think “men have no feelings.” In answer to that, I say it may be because a man will hide his feelings till he is confident that he can trust the one he wants to open up to.
To Celeste1965 and to Mimi, I’d say: That man who wants to be in control is actually not trusting you, possibly because he himself feels insecure. It could be that praising him for something he’s doing right, and supporting him in his hobby and in his relationship with his buddies, will help to put him at ease.
Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for giving us the insight (however small) to know that You are all-loving and will see us through the difficulties and misunderstandings that we are going through. Help each one of us to see our mate as a person who is loved by You, and as a person who has something wonderful to give to us and to mankind. We need help in giving recognition to our spouse, so that he / she can be that person You want them to be! In the precious name of Jesus, Amen.
I can relate to what Mimi posted.
When we met, my husband was attracted to my independence, the fact that I was active, and had my own hobbies and interests….some of which were very different from his.
After we married—it all changed. He wanted to be in control all of the time.
I think this article is very good. It mentions that men want a self-sufficient, secure and confident women. It also mentions that men want a woman to be active and independent, to have their own friends and interest. This, however,creates few questions for me. I’m an independent, self-sufficient, secure and confident person who occasionally enjoys time with my friends. I also have my own interests, but I find that men don’t feel comfortable when I spend time with my friends or I enjoying my own activities. I get interrupted with phone calls and if I choose to ignore the phone calls, I get interrogated when I get home. If it’s really early in a they expect a commitment and be known by my social circle that he is in the committed to me. My experience contradicts this article.
I am a single person now after a divorcee with my ex. husband. I have now a relationship to my Lord Jesus who will never leave me or forskae me in anything in my life. I am looking forward to the day when He says come into your mansion that is in His home.
This article is really, really good. Spot-on analysis. (Especially the part about manipulation. Doesn’t work long term. Pisses guys off if their IQ is high enough that they can engage you in conversation.)
Kelebogile, there are some wonderful articles on this very site alone. But if you’re looking for further advice, then here’s a very useful presentation about what men want, it helped me out greatly: http://www.WhatMenCrave.com
any particular prayer to be done for a successful relationship i wish to get?
I am really God fearing woman and it is hard for me to get into New Relation ship ever since I broke up with. The father of my child, all men who comes to propose are those already involved in another one. I am alone but I read scriptures ever night before I sleep
the luv of GOD is the best luv,coz with GOD u have all u need.
THE LUV OF GOD IS THE GREATER LOVE. I AM 23 YEARS OLD, A LADY WHO LOVE AND FEAR GOD. I PRAY TO MEET WITH GOD FEARING MAN. I HAVE A STRONG RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. AND I KNOW THAT HE WILL GIVE ME THE DESIRES OF MY HEART…. STAY BLESSED BELOVETH
This THIS THIS THIS AND just for a little change of pace THIS. Very well written article and it’s absolutely the truth. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. God bless.
I look for friendship and a special woman
A man want:loyalty,romance,love with care from a lady.Also a God-fearing lady.
Hi Merline, that is a very good question. Here is a link that may help to answer such. http://powertochange.com/experience/spiritual-growth/practicingpatience/
Hello Barbara:
Thank you very much for your response to my post. I never took the time to ask the Holy Spirit about discernment about an individual. The only thing I ever asked is that if this relationship is not of God to let me know before I get in too deep. He has not failed me yet. However I get not help but hope each one is the “right one” and ends up not being. I thought by waiting 10 years he would soon show up although I know of women waiting 15 and 30 years. So, in the meantime what is a single mom whose nest is empty to do?
Dear Barbara Alpert,
He goes to church but not every time,but he will be there in chapel when he is not able to go to church. I am not aware if he reads bible, as he had never specified in the talks. while on conversation i always make a point to discuss some stories in bible.I make sure i pray for him every day.
Dear Sajith, it is wonderful that you connect with the Lord on a daily basis and read His Word each day as well. Does the man that you are hoping to build a stronger relationhsip with attend church as well? Do you know if he also reads his Bible and prays to God regarding the relationship the both of you are in?
Dear Barbara Alpert,
Yes i do pray every day at home. I also read each page of bible everyday prior to sleep. That is the only way i get positive feeling when i am worried and dissapointed.I hope everything goes well with me and this relationship gets successful
Dear Merline, your question, “How will I know when Mr. Right comes?” is a very good question to ask. Perhaps realizing and knowing what you do not want in a relationship with a man (potential spouse) would help in recognizing whether or not the person is right or wrong for you. It is a blessing for you to learn from your past relationship(s) what was unacceptable so you do not repeat the same error in accepting just anyone.
When a fella enters your life, ask God’s Holy Spirit, who dwells within you, to give you spiritual discernment about the individual. In addition, the Bible says that we are not to be unequally yoked. Therefore, this would be a very important thing for you to keep in mind.