What Men Want in a Relationship
I have discovered a stark contrast between what each sex thinks the opposite sex wants from them, and what the opposite sex really does want.
What women think men want from them causes women to have resentment and anger toward men, and feel hopeless about ever developing a wonderful, warm, romantic partnership. What men think women want from them causes them much of the same feelings and frustration.
The sad part is that it does not have to be this way, if only we would realize that both men and women are human beings first and pretty much want the same thing. But, you don’t have to take my word for this.
I asked a number of men and women who are actively involved in personal growth and development what they want from a partner in order to build a great relationship. You will find their answers unexpected. Discover what men said they want from women as contrasted with what women think men want. You’ll also find tips for women to give men what they want, attract a great man, and create a wonderful relationship.
1. Men want honest, timely, loving communication.
Honest communication is top priority for men. They want a woman who answers questions honestly, and perhaps even volunteers information. They want a woman who confidently asks for her wants and needs to be met. They want a woman who can see the truth and tell it like it is while communicating with kindness. Men want a woman who can communicate without being too critical, who cares about preserving his and her dignity.
Women think men want them to be superficial, to keep quiet about their needs or wants, and never to ask for anything. Women think men believe them to be too needy and too sensitive, and that men simply want women to get over it. Some women believe they do not have the permission to tell it like it is, that they will be rejected for speaking up.
A tip for women
Great men want and need straightforward, courageous communication without anger or criticism. One way to attract a great man and build a satisfying relationship is to learn how to communicate your truth and needs effectively.
2. Men want self-sufficient, secure, confident women.
Get Relationship Help!: Talk to someone confidentially online
Learn to Communicate: Learn the 5 levels of communication
On the other hand, men treasure time spend with a loving partner.
Women think men don’t want women to need them. Women think men do not need or appreciate time spent together as a couple. Women believe that showing a man he is needed will turn him off and
possibly make him run away.
A tip for women
Men want what women want — a whole partner. One powerful way to attract a great man and build a vibrant relationship is to create a full, rewarding life for your own fulfillment.
3. Men want a manipulation-free relationship.
Men want no manipulation of any kind. They do not want to read their partner’s mind or try to interpret signals. They do not want to be forced to move faster in a relationship than they are ready. They do not want to be manipulated into taking all the blame for things gone wrong. They do not want to be on the receiving end of game playing.
Women think men want little or no communication, and the only way to get needs met is through manipulation. Women think men either need or want to be reminded that the relationship needs to move forward. Women think men don’t want or value praise and acknowledgment, and so tend to only verbalize criticism.
A tip for women
Men will not tolerate manipulation of any kind for any significant length of time. To attract a great man and build a wonderful relationship learn to ask without hesitation for what you want and need in every area of your life. Learn to be aware of his timing and his time-line. Learn how to acknowledge and bestow praise.
4. Men want growth, personal responsibility, and ownership.
Men want a partner who can laugh at herself and who has courage and strength. They want a woman who can see her part in relationship dynamics and own it. She has to be emotionally stable. Men want a woman who is developing herself personally, and who takes responsibility for her emotional experience.
Women think men only want to have a good time. Women think men have no interest in developing and growing a relationship or developing and growing themselves. Women think men want women who are super models, and that they never consider whether a
woman is emotionally mature, kind, supportive, or loving.
A tip for women
Men want women who are emotionally mature. Maturity does not mean lack of emotions. It does mean the ability to handle emotions responsibly. To attract a great man and build a long-term relationship, learn to take responsibility for your emotional experience and expression.
5. Men want fidelity and a commitment to the relationship.
Fidelity is an absolute must. In fact, men want a woman who does not have a “roaming eye” and who can wholeheartedly commit to the relationship. Many may define commitment as fidelity plus the willingness to work on the relationship — even when the going gets tough.
Women think that all men want is sex, and that men will leave a relationship for the next prettier face. Women think men cannot be trusted to be faithful. Women believe men do not want to work on a relationship; that when the going gets tough, they run.
A tip for women
Here is great news for those women who are resigned to the myth that all men cheat: infidelity and “a roaming eye” are as distasteful to men as they are to women. Great men know how to build a wonderful relationship, and they know fidelity is the main ingredient.
6. Men want women who know how men need to be treated.
Many women treat men in ways that diminish their egos, making them feel inadequate. Men would rather have more praise, more acknowledgment of what they do right, more acknowledgment that they are great guys who are loved and appreciated.
Women think men do not need them, do not value their opinion, their support, their praise. Women also think men do not care about many things important to women, which is why they criticize. Criticism is a way to verbalize resentment.
A tip for women
Most men want acknowledgment and appreciation from women. Learning to acknowledge instead of making your partner wrong is one of the most powerful relationship survival tools available to you.
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I really enjoyed this article. I thought I knew a lot about what my husband wants, which is what you refer to as “what most women think men want”. I do know that he likes to be appreciated for the things he does, as we all do. It seems everyone struggles with how to treat the opposite sex, what they are thinking, what they want. It should be so simple…Love one another, as Christ loves the church. Treat each other with respect. Forgive one another. Submit to one another. If we follow these simple guidelines…everyday, we should be ok.
God bless!
thank you so much i didn’t know so many thing but now i will be perfect to my husband
this is a great article…..i am doin some things wrong in my relationship cause i thought that thats what a man wanted but boy i guess i was wrong…thank u sooooooooo much
I think we have a catch twenty two here. Men want to be admired, appreciated etc. I think women would love to feel those things about their man as well. If men would only act admirable and provide the things women needs, my guess is she’d likely provide those things without hesitation.
I think we have a catch twenty two here. Men want to be admired, appreciated etc. I think women would love to feel those things about their man as well. If men would only act admirable and provide the things women need, my guess is we’d likely provide those things without hesitation.
Stacey,
I think you raise an excellent point — the responsibility here falls on both sides of the relationship.
There is a version of the renaissance code of chivalry that sums it up perfectly:
Gentlemen, honor all Ladies. Ladies, be worthy of all honor.
It’s an interesting article for sure. Somehow I thought for a co-ed site, it was missing something – maybe other guys would appreciate having a “tips for men” added too – like how to communicate what you would like to hear from your woman, and what’s the best way to encourage that – tall order, I know.
if you werw waiting to be picked up for a breakfast date and tthen you suddenly get a call from your partner and he says he is not sure what time he can come because his friend suddenly arrived at his home. how would you feel especially since i did not see him for two weeks because he was in london
wow i wish i would have read this before i fcked everything upp! wowwww
You helped me to understand the opposite sex a little more and I appreciate you enlightening me keep up the good work. thanks:}
I always thought I had it all figured it out, whether my friendships or relationships with men worked or unfortunately didn’t work out. But after reading your list of differences b/w the genders, all was just my own thinking and reality, perhaps I haven’t reached this level of awareness, yet, but eitherway it is good to know for future interactions…
Thanks
Amy,
It’s ok. Men mature and its takes them ages to catch you. I imagine that’s what happened. The guy for is out there. He will always smile, even when he’s upset.
The confidence thing is rubbish.
Who has the time to be that caught up in ego?
May you meet him as soon as you want.
Good luck Amy and all :0)
What you saying here is only ok from a male point of view when you’ve found your One and only special lady. Everyone has to learn for themselves. My mistake was forgetting what I knew and listening to a guy. I love guys. And my One and Only will always love me. According to his lines…
The proof is in the pudding.
Only when you can forget and you let go and be you going through your life. I’ll meet mine at the top. Soon I hope :0)
All the points about what women think men want are based on fact. Look at history.
The law of averages beats everyone. You can trust that and your instinct.
Find what works for you but dont plan on that being the same for ever.
Only when a woman or man feel comfortable not being a boy and girl anymore can they possibly grow together. Follow your gut.
The Expert! Lol!
my husband and i have been married 37 years we have been having problems for the last 15 years he got out of the army and went to work for another company.about 6 years of working there he found a girl to be friends with or so he says she is just a friend. he calls her when they aren’t at work he willl call her and do it beind my back if she is just a friend then why is he hiding it from me. he calls her and then turn around and call me why does he do this i found this out by looking at the cell phone bill.it isn’t the first time for this what do i do
…Carol, you know what your husband after 37 years, and you should be able to ask him whats going on, or just have a talk with him and see where things are going.. maybe you need a oliday together with no mobile phones or internet… just the two of you.
I only got married 7 months ago, and I am dead scared of it ending after 37 years… all those years and it ends up in separation…- I would do whatever I could, but ofcourse Im only a newlywed so I do not know so much about marriage as you.
Men are much nicer people than most women give them credit for. If a man feels like you value him, he will bend over backwards to give you what you need and want (as long as you don’t expect them to read your mind!)
This is to Carol. I have a lot of male platonic friends. I separated from my husband of 32 years 3 years ago. My male friends stay just friends.
I became friends with a married man 1 1/2 years ago. I don’t think he ever felt anything but friendship for me. We were not intimate sexually or romantically. However because of issues with his wife and other things in his life we started talking every second night. His wife knew I was calling but did not accept that we talked as frequently as we did.
My friends saw what was going on. I did develop stronger feelings for him but with the help of my friends, I was honest and told him we couldn’t be friends any more and explained it. I realize now that we were way too intimate. He needed to work on his relationship with his wife not talk to me.
If you and your husband have had challenges for some time now, you might want to seek outside help. Try changing your strategies with him. Spend some quality time with him. Listen to him and hear what he is really saying.
One thing men don’t like is neediness. Hopefully you have your own independent life and if you don’t start forming one. Get together in a ladies group,go to sing Karoke with the girls or dancing or take some classes like tea reading: something fun. Show your independence. Men love independent women. Working out helps us feel better emotionally and physically. If you don’t work out, just start by walking every day.
I have a lot of chronic pain yet I walk 2 miles on the treadmill or outside. I also lift weights. You can start at any age.
Most importantly be gentle to your self and celebrate mistakes.
I do believed that women need to surrender her self to her man when they take bow to each other…and the man should 100% loyal to her in return.
I hear all the different story of separation after decade of marriage,and I do also feel the same for 20 years of marriage, it seems the love is not there anymore, the romance change with hate, sweetness no longer sweet but sour.. woman are powerless if man is the breadwinner…
@ann smith
Do you love mocking people and feeling clever on the internet? If so, is it because you cannot accomplish both of these in real life?
I teach relationships to drug addicted female addicts. They believe all the all the myths you mentioned; however, they are not always myths. There really are lots of men that shallow and self-centered expecially in the drug world. I tell them that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince and be more selective. I encourage them if they don’t want a clown, to stop shopping at the circus (drug world.)
It sounds scary that things happen even after 30-ish years marriage. I guess no one is reliable unless he/she determines to follow God’s instruction.
Love everyone and tellthe truth.
Just show up.
Make it known priviatly and pubically that this is your guy/man/partner/husband.
And just be a good person!
Things change, yes. and yes, its a hard thing, a most difficult thing to separate after years of getting to know one another. But if one wants out then let him/her go. We/You will take all you have learned and haven’t learned with you and get to try it again. We all need some good luck too, and we need to work with our relationship/s, LISTEN ACTIVALLY. If you don’t know what this is look up ‘active listening’. People like to be heard.
I’m a man; being heard, listened to, disagreed with and talked about, reasonable, being held, being loved goes deep. In a way it’s easy yet it seems that our GREAT purpose on earth is to learn to love one another (sort of the common point of all great saints and leaders, and profits … again, love everyone and tell the truth. Please don’t confuse kindness with weakness. And don’t make equal disagreement with conflict equaling fear. (If you’re in an abusive relationship get out, run as fast as you can, find help.) Growth comes from learning from and about each other; using conflict for growth. LISTEN TO ONE ANOTHER! And please think about what you are going to say before saying it. Walk your talk. Have forgiveness. Remember, everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have, if they knew better they would do better; if they really knew better, the ramifications of their actions, the breath and depth of their words and deeds, they would do better. CUZ, not to be triter then some think I am, “What goes around comes around.”
Thanks for the air time!
Say yes more and be curious and willing to learn and not be right (that’s for both m&f.
OH YES AGAIN, please and thank you goes a long way.
There is a way to sum this up; A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP DEMANDS PERFECTION, PERIOD. If you fail to meet even at least one of these guidelines, hehe, you’re relationship is already screwed, stop looking for ‘the perfect guy’ because you’re not ‘perfect’ yourself. XD
a great article! women want exactly the same from men.
men here are mature men, right? because i know some men who do the opposite of what said here.
The relationships/marriages that end after a long time may have lasted as long as they did because both partners found the situation at least tolerable, even if that meant suffering in silence for most of that time. The key to any of this is COMMUNICATION. When one or both partners fail on this count, then it can become almost impossible to have a healthy, happy relationship.
This site is very helpful after coming out a long hurtful relationship it’s hard to move forward. I believe that only way you can move is getting to know someone else and enjoying them. My problem is remembering that you can not assume or relate your previous relationship in your new relationship. Example talking to new a person how you used to talk, or assuming that this person knows what’s on your mind! Opening-Up is the key! But the Question is How???????????????
Hi Pjoolibralove,
I know its hard to open up and share in a new relationship but sometimes learning from your past to make sure you don’t repeat yourself is really helpful. I recommend you seek counselling, or I can get you in touch with one of our mentors, if you need to talk. We offer free and confidential
mentoring. If you want to sign up for mentor, let me know. Also, FamilyLife Canada or US have a site that can get you in touch with a counsellor. Here is the sites : For Canada http://www.familylifecanada.org/couples.html
For the US: http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.3082787/k.ECE8/Help_and_Hope_for_Marriages_and_Families.htm
i really do love him and i know does to me also but he has change al of a sudden
Good one to know before I am wedded
All really interesting. Most of is logical and one can figure it out with a bit of common sense. If only men wouldn’t give women mixed messages. If only men wouldn’t run a mile when things start to get deep, or the woman’s emotions surface. Guys, stop being afraid of emotions, forget what your parents told you about a boy having to be tough to be a man. When you run away you learn nothing. Women will get emotional if they think their men don’t support them.
Our emotions scare us sometimes also.
how can a I believe what he is telling is true that he loves me and what he is doing is for our better future if he lets me feel discourage of his ways of lacking time for communicatio,disapponts me.I was a kind of girl before who seemed tpo force myself to love him because of some diffences.Believing that he is true for the past years we’ve been together,I fell inlove with him treasuring what he had done in the past.All of a sudden knowing that I fall for him,he seems changing which is very sad on my part to reserve all what I’ve got only for him.Isnt unfair to feel this change of him.
how can a I believe what he is telling is true that he loves me and what he is doing is for our better future if he lets me feel discourage of his ways of lacking time for communicatio,disapponts me.I was a kind of girl before who seemed to force myself to love him because of some diffences.Believing that he is true for the past years we’ve been together,I fell inlove with him treasuring what he had done .All of a sudden knowing that I fall for him,he seems changing which is very sad to reserve all what I’ve got only for him.Isnt unfair to feel this change of him.
I hear what everyone is saying. But I have been widowed for almost 9yrs. I can’t even talk with a man without sex coming up. I’m not a teenager and don’t feel after 15 minutes of communication we should be discussing our sex life or lack there of. Why can’t we get to know each other and see what grows. To be honest I am sick of it. I am a Christian and wouldn’t even consider sex without marriage. I convey this and am asked if I miss it. I simply say I’m not comfortable discussing this someone I really don’t know. That’s it they’re gone. So can one of you gentlemen tell me if I have just been connecting to the wrong men. Are there men out there that want more than sex. I have nothing against sex. My husband and I were very active. But I loved him dearly. I can’t even think of it without love and marriage. So I tell these men right out where I stand and they go no further. I not even worth getting to know if I don’t immediately talk about sex. Can someone give me advice.
Hi, i did some many wrong things in my past relationship…which i still have time to mend…but hes given me 5 chances and hes giving up on us!…i realised how strong this passage to read is and makes you think about..everything…every little thing you have done wrong and even right for them!
I duno how to save it! HELP :(
I think men and women are not the same mainly because the word and women’s roles have changed but men largely havent. As a result men may tend to want these things in theory but not in practice.In other words it sounds good but at the end of the day it tends not to work out if put in practice.
Men would like this but they are complex just think simpkle that’s all
Hi June,
It’s hard to escape from past mistakes. Sometimes we can’t see the consequences to our actions. If you would like a mentor, I can help you sign up.It’s free and confidential. Please let me know if you would like a mentor.
My motto is treat them as you want to be treated.
Too many women think men are another species. They have really poor images of men and generalize. This saddens me as a mother of a son. Ladies, who are the ones raising these confusing creatures? WOMEN Teach your sons to be a decent, honest and loving man and you will have done some woman out there a great favor.
Great insight, very true, and helpful!
Thank you :)