What Men Want in a Relationship
How’s your love life? If you have questions and you’re not sure who to ask, talk to a mentor.
I have discovered a stark contrast between what each sex thinks the opposite sex wants from them, and what the opposite sex really does want.
What women think men want from them causes women to have resentment and anger toward men, and feel hopeless about ever developing a wonderful, warm, romantic partnership. What men think women want from them causes them much of the same feelings and frustration.
The sad part is that it does not have to be this way, if only we would realize that both men and women are human beings first and pretty much want the same thing. But, you don’t have to take my word for this.
I asked a number of men and women who are actively involved in personal growth and development what they want from a partner in order to build a great relationship. You will find their answers unexpected. Discover what men said they want from women as contrasted with what women think men want. You’ll also find tips for women to give men what they want, attract a great man, and create a wonderful relationship.
Honest communication is top priority for men. They want a woman who answers questions honestly, and perhaps even volunteers information. They want a woman who confidently asks for her wants and needs to be met. They want a woman who can see the truth and tell it like it is while communicating with kindness. Men want a woman who can communicate without being too critical, who cares about preserving his and her dignity.
Women think men want them to be superficial, to keep quiet about their needs or wants, and never to ask for anything. Women think men believe them to be too needy and too sensitive, and that men simply want women to get over it. Some women believe they do not have the permission to tell it like it is, that they will be rejected for speaking up.
A tip for women
Great men want and need straightforward, courageous communication without anger or criticism. One way to attract a great man and build a satisfying relationship is to learn how to communicate your truth and needs effectively.
2. Men want self-sufficient, secure, confident women.
Men want a woman to choose them out of want rather than out of desperation — either materially or emotionally. Men need to be wanted and needed by their partners, but they want their partners to have a separate identity. Men want a woman to be active and independent, to have her own friends and interests.
On the other hand, men treasure time spent with a loving partner.
Women think men don’t want women to need them. Women think men do not need or appreciate time spent together as a couple. Women believe that showing a man he is needed will turn him off and
possibly make him run away.
A tip for women
Men want what women want — a whole partner. One powerful way to attract a great man and build a vibrant relationship is to create a full, rewarding life for your own fulfillment.
3. Men want a manipulation-free relationship.
Men want no manipulation of any kind. They do not want to read their partner’s mind or try to interpret signals. They do not want to be forced to move faster in a relationship than they are ready. They do not want to be manipulated into taking all the blame for things gone wrong. They do not want to be on the receiving end of game playing.
Women think men want little or no communication, and the only way to get needs met is through manipulation. Women think men either need or want to be reminded that the relationship needs to move forward. Women think men don’t want or value praise and acknowledgment, and so tend to only verbalize criticism.
A tip for women
Men will not tolerate manipulation of any kind for any significant length of time. To attract a great man and build a wonderful relationship learn to ask without hesitation for what you want and need in every area of your life. Learn to be aware of his timing and his time-line. Learn how to acknowledge and bestow praise.
4. Men want growth, personal responsibility, and ownership.
Men want a partner who can laugh at herself and who has courage and strength. They want a woman who can see her part in relationship dynamics and own it. She has to be emotionally stable. Men want a woman who is developing herself personally, and who takes responsibility for her emotional experience.
Women think men only want to have a good time. Women think men have no interest in developing and growing a relationship or developing and growing themselves. Women think men want women who are super models, and that they never consider whether a
woman is emotionally mature, kind, supportive, or loving.
A tip for women
Men want women who are emotionally mature. Maturity does not mean lack of emotions. It does mean the ability to handle emotions responsibly. To attract a great man and build a long-term relationship, learn to take responsibility for your emotional experience and expression.
5. Men want fidelity and a commitment to the relationship.
Fidelity is an absolute must. In fact, men want a woman who does not have a “roaming eye” and who can wholeheartedly commit to the relationship. Many may define commitment as fidelity plus the willingness to work on the relationship — even when the going gets tough.
Women think that all men want is sex, and that men will leave a relationship for the next prettier face. Women think men cannot be trusted to be faithful. Women believe men do not want to work on a relationship; that when the going gets tough, they run.
A tip for women
Here is great news for those women who are resigned to the myth that all men cheat: infidelity and “a roaming eye” are as distasteful to men as they are to women. Great men know how to build a wonderful relationship, and they know fidelity is the main ingredient.
6. Men want women who know how men need to be treated.
Many women treat men in ways that diminish their egos, making them feel inadequate. Men would rather have more praise, more acknowledgment of what they do right, more acknowledgment that they are great guys who are loved and appreciated.
Women think men do not need them, do not value their opinion, their support, their praise. Women also think men do not care about many things important to women, which is why they criticize. Criticism is a way to verbalize resentment.
A tip for women
Most men want acknowledgment and appreciation from women. Learning to acknowledge instead of making your partner wrong is one of the most powerful relationship survival tools available to you.
Now that you know what men want, what about what you want? The desire to love and be loved is the most basic human need. You you realize how deeply God loves you? You are a human being who is loved by God. You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone. Take a minute to think about that – God loves you, and not because of what you do. He loves you for who you are and will never leave you because of anything you’ve done. Isn’t that just the kind of love you’ve always dreamed about?
You might not think of yourself as exceptional, but you are. You are a hand-crafted original. God made you on purpose, no accidents of fate or chance. The Bible says that when God created man and woman He “saw everything that He had made, indeed it was very good.” (Genesis 1:31) God created you and He is interested in the details of your life. The Bible tells us that Gods knows each of us better than we know ourselves – he even knows how many hairs are on your head! (Matthew 10:30)
It’s pretty incredible to think about. The same God who created the stars and turns the colors of the leaves in Fall, created you. You are His masterpiece and He loves you. God created you to have a relationship with Him.
>> Here’s how you can start that relationship with God right now.
Men want a woman who will cook, clean, bear children, look like a model, open legs, shut mouth tolerate verbal, sexual and physical abuse and turn a blind eye to his infidelities, that’s what men want.
I read this article and thought how wonderful after years of reading women’s magazines and “rules” books to contemplate that having a little dignity and honesty in a relationship might be, in fact, “the ticket”. Then I, unfortunately, read the comments. While I read some that were articulate and heart felt, I read some others that reminded me why all those magazine articles and self help books make so much money. Don’t get me wrong, I have been quite a mess when it comes to picking a man but I believe with my whole heart that all of the negativity men and women feel toward relationships boils down to just one thing…picking the wrong person and not letting go when you realize it. We are all to blame for choosing people who are projects regardless of their “potential” or the fact that we truly love them. Love is worth nothing if it is unhealthy and you have to think about how to keep the relationship going 24/7. Love is much more calm and less dramatic than the movies would have us believe. I say this not having found that right one yet and dating the wrong one once again. The difference is now I know not to try to make a “sows ear” into a silk purse. Sometimes being your authentic self brings such inner peace that you don’t have to work on others. I think things work out according to God’s plan and people are in your life for a reason that may never be apparent to us.
Mihai, I appreciate how hard it must have been for you to write your message. It must make you sad that you have not found a woman to love and who loves you. It is true that women are attracted to men who can provide financially or materially for their family but there is more to attraction and love than just material things. A woman also loves to be valued by her man and to feel that she is like a treasure to him. Many women have chosen to love a man not because of his wealth but because she felt that he cherishes her.
Hi Leyanne, There are several things that might be contributing to your lack of sexual desire. If your relationship with your boyfriend is good in other areas (i.e. there is not a conflict that is causing your loss of desire) then it could be either something in your past, or something in your biology that is causing the problem. Think back over your past sexual experiences. Have you ever experienced something negative with sex? Alternately, you mentioned that you find it hard to concentrate, that your mind races. Are you under a lot of stress? That can also affect your desire. If either of these things ring true for you, a counsellor can probably help you work through it.
If there isn’t anything in your past that could affect you I’d suggest that you go to see your doctor. There are several medical issues that can affect the balance of hormones that your body produces. Arousal starts out as chemistry. Without the right balance of hormones your body simply will not respond the way you want it to. If this is the case your doctor should be able to work with you to correct that.
Also, take a good look at your emotional state. Depression also manifests as loss of desire. So does exhaustion. Or if you’ve just come through a very stressful time, sometimes the body shuts down a bit once the stress has passed to recuperate from all the stuff you couldn’t deal with while it was happening. If I were you I’d head to the doctor first and get a referral to a counsellor if needed. Sex is important. It’s lovely that your boyfriend is understanding but it’s hard to go without that part of your relationship long term.
I am a 23 year old woman that feels no sexual urge whatsoever and though my boyfriend is understanding i still feel guilty for not satisfying is need in that area. For months we will not have sex because my body will not respond and my brain works overtime at the same time. Please tell me what to do to correct this problem
Where is concurence, power, greed, love with them self, self pride, grandez, stiffness, too much questions and feel nothing, it’s just Instinct brain and none love.
What man want in relationship? Is. to construct True Love and get out from Material World to live with their love Woman for Eternity. Truly it’s boring living just conditionated in material way.
Dear Rinatta,
I am man and from my first born day until now 52 years old, I do not know a women to want to love me and even I have a good health and nice body and face and conserve in me same child heart and wish to love one women for all my years life. Sorry dear Rinatta, God is not bible and He do not know me or feel me either. I realy wasn’t love by women ever and I am orphan and abandoned from maternity and neither Authority want to find my family or from where am I. I am not complexes with my past just, I want to know there are man’s who want realy offer love to women but, because they live in material life and conditionated by Instinct of Conservation they do not feel anything but just teir brain and their body and none can feel sentiments when people like me want a real relationshep. It’s true, the System stole a child heart from people from childhood and give them just Education in Material way that mean after childhood of people and grow up, they do not have feelings just from Instinct of Conservation and just in Material way. God is just love for who can construct real True Love and this True Love is made just by woman and man if they conserve Child Heart. If not, the relationshep is made in material way what become later obsolete each for another and if with luck continue this relationshep it is because they have made an dependence. I want from all my body and all my sentiments to construct a real True Love but I wonder, exist a woman who does not have complexes with she and want realy the best relationshep or they thinging I am out from this World and for me this World, is just Material World where they live just with fear for do not have money for pay Taxes. Ask your self dear Rinatta, when humans become blind because of old age what material way they can see and if they can use again like they was with good healt. Please, see that way too, if they can’t use material things when become too old but even blind if they find each and other in house or in room and give each other embrace how do you see this fact and what do you feel?
This is a comment for people struggling after a break-up and have expressed having a hard time finding a person and/or having a hard time coping alone. Someone made a comment that women seem to have an easier time being single. I am a woman, I don’t think it’s so much about gender or mindset. I don’t think people have a hard time finding a relationship because there are people in this world who are just emphasizing the importance of sex. I think in order to be a good candidate for a relationship you need to be grounded. If your soul focus is being in a relationship, if this is the soul thing that you feel will complete you, quite frankly… you are not a complete person. If you are not a complete person yourself you are just flat out not a strong relationship choice for a person and women or men probably won’t take you very seriously as a potential partner. If you are single now, use this time to build on yourself, put energy or build interests in things you enjoy outside of searching for a partner. If you aren’t grounded in who you are outside of a relationship your not going to make a good partner to someone. When you find your life outside of a relationship–a purpose and reason to exist outside of a relationship you will have a much better chance meeting someone who is compatible with you. A relationship should emphasize your life, it shouldn’t be your whole means of existence. Because to not, leads to dependency issues and expectations that are relationship cryptonite. I promise if you focus inward and build on yourself during this time not only will you increase your desirability to others, you will develop some confidence that you are a complete person, a good candidate, so things will some day work out. I cannot stress to single people how important this is and how much of a difference this is in people who are in healthy relationship vs. people who can’t find themselves in good relationships. This is normally the lesson to be learned. And if you are a person of faith, I believe this is part of the journey. You need to have faith that if you focus on what it right for you in life, if you stay true to gods plan for you, it will work out. : )
Dear David,
I am so sorry that your experience with marriage has been so painful and heart-breaking. Your desire for love and companionship is natural and such a beautiful desire. I just wanted to respond to this line that you wrote, “I feel as if God is punishing me… what makes these people more special than me?” I know it may be hard to believe that you are an amazing person, worthy of love and affection when your circumstances are not lining up or that there are no budding/romantic relationships occurring in your life (at the moment). But the truth is that you are beautifully and wonderfully created as a man in God’s own image (Psalm 139). I think that your attitude is very positive and wise when you choose to “just go out and hope for the best.” God certainly is a Father who only gives good gifts. And even when we can’t see these gifts it doesn’t mean that He doesn’t love or cherish us. God does discipline us for our good when we need to mature and be completely yoked to him… but the heart-break effects of loneliness and sadness are not from His hand. God only thinks perfect things about you and wants the very best for your life (especially in the area of love that you so desire)! Have you ever fasted from thinking about what you do not have and just praise God for the things that He has given you? Have you ever decided to fully surrender your longing and desire for love? I know that these are challenging questions when life just doesn’t seem to make sense. I just know that in my experience with relationships in general, it’s when I surrender the pain and God’s timing (which I don’t understand) that I begin to see the good hand of God on my life (even when I still don’t get what I wanted in the first place!) What happens is that you can become so enamoured with God and his perfect plans and purposes for your life that you forget about your own! It sounds kind of crazy but it really works.
Blessings on you as you dialogue with God about this!
there are many of us men that just can’t seem to meet a good woman to connect with, and many of us men sure hate very much being alone. i am certainly one of them. but there are many men that enjoy just going out and having a good time. it seems that women can easily stay alone because many of them do have a lot of friends, and can certainly handle it a lot better than men. i do have to say that many women are the much stronger sex, when it comes to being by themselves. but there are women that do hate being alone as well. i was married myself at one time, thinking that i was going to spend the rest of my life with her. she cheated on me as well, and this really hurt me a lot. it hurts me a lot to see so many other men that were very lucky to connect with the right woman and have a family today, and i certainly would have wanted the same thing. now that i am alone and single again, it certainly hurts me a lot because trying to meet a good woman again has become very difficult for me. now i just go out every single night just to get out of the house, since i have no woman in my life to be happy with right now. who wants to stay home alone?, that certainly is no fun at all. if i had a life, like so many other very lucky men do, then i would be home as well. i feel as if GOD is punishing me, and i do not know why. why can’t GOD give me the luck that he gave so many other people?, and not me? what makes these people so special than me? i am a STRAIGHT MAN that just wants to have a normal life. can’t blame me for that can you? i have to admit, i do seem to take this very seriously. it does bother me a lot, and i wish that it would not. i have to say that i am a very sensitive and low confident man, but now i just go out and hope for the best.
@Honest1 your philosophy is very flawed as I am sure this is your opinion however the views you are expressing will always leave you empty and looking for the next perfect man . Until you discover that he has faults and it seems that your idea of love is sex as sex gets old very quickly and when the newness wears off then it is time to find another man to bed to see how good he is!
Your deep hurts and loneliness will never be filled by dating three men at a time to see which one wants you the most and the one who wins gets you. God made you for much more than the sex object you want men to think you are when you ask Christ to heal your hurts and to show you what he wants with your life then he will and you will find the MAN God created for you and not having take many on a test run to see if they fulfill your needs as Christ through the Holy Spirit can comfort you more than the arms of a man. God Bless
@Tara & Cassie
I find that many woman today mistakenly read the passage in scripture where it talks about the man being the head of the household as automatically the thinking is “dominance of me” and he reaction is I won’t be dominated! The Bible states that the Husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church as Christ died for the church and Christ was a servant towards others. The last supper it was the Son of God who washed the disciples feet not the disciples who did the dirty task. In reality the husband is to serve his wife as automatically the hairs on the back of woman’s neck go up when they read the passage as you are only reading a portion of the passage.
The husbands responsibility is to be the spiritual head of the home and to serve his family and for the wife to follow his leadership. If a husband is serving you and is in tune with Christs will then he would do what Christ requires of him and protect his family as well as love his wife. The problem often is that they want co ownership of the marriage when it should be Christ centered as when the family focuses on Christ then it is difficulty to be selfish. God Bless
Hi Honest1, it doesn’t sound like this is a hypothetical conversation for you. Have you found it hard to find a man whom you can be confident in and trust?
I have a comment about the “Fidelity” statement. As women age, marry, divorce, have children and get wise it is VERY important for her to date more than one man and settle with the ONE the earns her fidelity. Because God created women to bond with the men they have sex with it is to the woman’s disadvantage to put all of her eggs in ONE basket too early. She needs to wait and date at lease 3 men at a time so she doesn’t become blind to one. No matter what women say we become attached and make excuses for men who do not deserve it. If the man is real he will win your heart and you as a woman will be sober enough not to rush in, because you will not be starving for attention. I’m not saying you should have sex with all the men. However, when a man is dating a woman he almost always has other women he is considering until he decides you are the one. Until then you let him know that you have a life and that you date as well. IF he is mature he will understand your need to keep your options open too. If he has something up his sleeve he will be very upset that you didn’t let him mark his territory without putting a deposit on the land. So another TIP for the LADIES while tips are being given out. Do NOT kick all of your options to the curb until the man fully let’s you know he wants you and only you. Most women will make up stuff in their head only to be dissapointed when the man tells them he just wanted to hang out. Don’t do this to yourself ladies!
As for the men you have to know when a woman is USING you to get over another man. If a woman tells you she was very much in love with another man before you, you can NOT love her out of that. As stated above, women bond very closely with the man of her life and no matter how good you treat her if she still has feelings for that man in her heart she will ALWAYS be mad at you for NOT being HIM. KNOW this men!!!…Just because the woman is single does not mean her heart is free. Also, men something women won’t tell you, because they are liars too, you have to be very good in bed to distract her from competition. Yes, she wants you to treat her right and all, but women objectify men too and she will leave you if you are not giving it to her really good.
1. I tell men they are in competition and that I date until they prove they are worth my exclusivity.
2. I tell men how I like it in bed and I don’t withhold sex as some bargin or something. I like to have sex and I won’t go without it just to prove I’m a “good girl”. I’m a damn woman who has needs and I will let you know how you can help me out with that.
3. I don’t pretend I don’t see the elephant in the room. If you cook up some BS don’t expect me to eat it. You cooked it you eat it.
4. I am the most fun, active and attentive lover anyone could meet and all my exes still want me. They just weren’t ready at the time.
5. Don’t make the mistake of coming at me hoping I will fill some kind of void or fix some long standing problem that ran others off. You should be whole, yet not afraid to show your weaknessess.
I don’t want anyone who is perfect. That pisses me off. I love someone a little messed up who knows how to work it! Be honsest about it. Don’t tell me you are a prince when you really are a frog. Some frogs are very cool, but liars and pretenders will get booted out in a second.
Be real
Be love
Be fun
Thank you,
Honest1
Hi Bill,
I know that you have been hurt very badly by the women who cheated on you, but there are no statistics to support your claim that “women do certainly cheat more than men do”. It may feel that way in your own experience but it simply is not the case. Sadly, men and women cheat on each other in pretty similar numbers, with men slightly ahead, but not by much.
My best advice to you is the same advice I have given to other men who have left comments very similar to this one: if you keep meeting nasty women, women with bad attitudes, women who are unfriendly or women who only seem to want a rich man, then you need to look in a different place for different women. I promise you we do exist. I have seen no research that suggests that women having better paying jobs contributes to the divorce rate.
i am a straight man that had been married at one time, and i was a very caring and loving husband at the time. i was very committed to her, knowing what i had at home and did not have to go out looking for it anymore. but she was the one that cheated on me, and this certainly hurt me a lot. many of us men out there do want to be committed to the right woman, but it is very hard finding that special one. i seem to meet a lot of nasty women, since many of them do seem to have an attitude problem. i can’t blame myself for this problem, since i did not do anything wrong. many women are just so unfriendly these days, and obviously it is no fault of mine as you can see. many women seem to go after men that have a lot of money, or who are very rich. that goes to show you how many women can’t seem to like a man for himself, and god forbid if they did. like the other man said with is comment, many women now have high paying jobs that they did not have years ago. women and men had to accept one another for who they were, unlike now. just look at our parents and grandparents, they are a very good example how long marriages lasted. today the divorce rate is so out of control, and marriages don’t last as long as they once did. in my opinion, women do certainly cheat more than men do. there are many men who cheat as well. now i just go out and hope for the best. PEACE.
With regards, I need help , I really need help.. I have a lady friend since 3 years ago, and we have very close relationship and most of the times we are together outside.. I love her and I think she is too, because I know It I feel It so much times. I wanted to have sometimes sex ! but she said me always I know you are best, love you and so on but I can not have !! This matter sometimes bother me because I have a real and pure emotion to her, I need to say she is about 18 years elder than me but very attractive and sexy.. could you please help me, because I do not want I lost my friendship because of sex.. Thank you very much.
To Darryl:
It seems to me that your girlfriend is not ready. It seems that you and her want different things which neither of you are willing to let go of. The thing is, if you stay in this relationship for too long, things will keep coming up that will keep her away from you and it never ends. A friend of mine had a similar experience, which ended pretty badly. The woman he was involved had a totally different life that he wasn’t aware of, she didn’t want to tell him I guess because she didn’t want to hurt him. However, she still became engaged to my friend (long distance). It turned out that at the same time she was engaged to my friend, she was pregnant with some other man’s child. Some people want to remain in long distance relationships perhaps because the relationship becomes a safety blanket. My suggestion would be, set a time limit in which you want to resolve this with her… do not prolong the waiting for you. My friend was emotionally damaged and hurt and he is still dealing with issues from this experience, the pain is apparently gone, but he is becoming emotionally numb and unable to enjoy himself in a relationship with another woman who is present and appreciates him. I hope you can work things out in a way that will suit your true needs.
Beautifully stated Cassie. I believe a man is going to be hard pressed to find a woman willing to be totally run. I was lost at the statement “head of the household”, men overall are not the sole providers of a house hold any more. Women need to have careers, some women have so many demands career wise that the idea of even having children may even feel a bit selfish. I think men who do have these expectations when going into a partnership may find themselves in a bit of trouble because this idea given our current time is a bit unpractical and it puts a lot of pressure on women. I think it’s very clear by this discussion that there is no one true thing all men or all women want. Perhaps approaching life with clear cut black and white expectations is not the best thing. It’s absolutely a good thing to have some standards, but we should all learn the ability of give and take. Its an approach to life that takes constant work, but it does make for a nice rewarding and understanding supportive relationship. In my opinion.
This is to Leroy, in response to “What men really need and want is for their wife to be 100% supportive in letting him be the spiritual and family leader. Men if you love you wife and family you will never compromise your relationship with any one or thing; therefore honoring your God and you self, creating a harmonious life for your family”
I understand that men want their wife to be 100% supportive, that is a given, and it is the same for women as well. But some women, like myself, find it hard to let somebody take full control and lead every aspect of their life. It’s called a partnership for a reason. Both couples have to put in the effort and make decisions based on each others’ needs, together. This is where sacrifice, commitment, and compromise comes into play. It may state in the Bible that the man should have control of and completely support the woman, but honestly that book was written in a time when women had absolutely no say-so in anything. In today’s world women are encouraged to be strong, independent creatures with equal rights. But that can be hard when men want to be the sole supporter and “leader” in a relationship. It can lead to resentment, lack of confidence, anger for not letting the women run their lives etc. In my experience, and as a woman myself, I find it’s better to put those dominant feelings aside and learn to live as a couple who agree upon important issues together without one person having any more control or say-so than the other. And when you cannot agree, then agree to disagree. Never make your partner feel like you are superior or that they wouldn’t make it without you. Realize that they are your equal and should be treated as such, with the same respect, loyalty, love, understanding and commitment that you yourself would expect from others. It doesn’t matter who makes more money, or who takes care of what (cleaning, yard work, finances, etc.) so long as you both do your best to take care of each other. What really matters is that you make the best of what you have and try not to make Important decisions without first talking to your partner to see where he/she stands on the subject. I apologize if this comes off as one-sided or rude, I don’t intend it to be so. And I’m not trying to take anything out of context, I realize that women have the same tendencies to try to control their partners. I also realize that you may not have meant you want to control them or their actions or make them feel insignificant. But this is to every person who thinks they have more say-so or more authority than the ones they love. Anytime somebody wants to have control, be the leader or full supporter does not make that person wrong for wanting to take responsibility of the person they love, or for wanting to be all that a person needs. But you do have to realize that women need to have some authority in a relationship too. Instead of being a leader, try being co-leaders, co-captains, Partners.
What men really need and want is for their wife to be 100% supportive in letting him be the spiritual and family leader. Men if you love you wife and family you will never compromise your relationship with any one or thing; therefore honoring your God and you self, creating a harmonious life for your family.
This is to Darryl. There are a lot of things to consider. I assume you have discussed this with her and have told her how you feel. Just for some perspective, in college it’s often that people start off in a direction and make plans with good intentions when things change. For a lot of degrees when it comes to getting a job it’s sometimes a good idea to stay in the place you got the degree in especially if there is a possibility of an internship or if certain connections made in college are going to help with job opportunities. This is sometimes a discovery and factor that is realised later on. Also, finances can be pretty scarce when your young, and going to Europe is… expensive. Is there a chance she’s getting the opportunity to go with family, expenses paid? That would be quite a difficult opportunity for any one to pass up. This may not be the case, but if it is, it’s definitely something to think about. She may not be totally acting selfishly. Part of a healthy relationship is that it supports your life and doesn’t hinder it. But I understand that there is a huge possibility that this is asking for too many sacrifices from you and that’s definitely not good for you. Sometimes people grow and find that their lives are not going in compatible directions. But before making any decisions, I’d check and be certain if it’s a matter of her not considering you or if she’s just trying to make the most she can out of life. You should want the best for her and to support her to live a full filling life, but if the burden is too much, you’ve gotta make sure your living your life too. Tricky situation. Sounds like you have some big decisions to make.
Hi Darryl, it is better now to do your evaluation of how committed you are to this woman than later on after you marry. Courtship is an important time of evaluating a person’s character so that you can determine if you are willing to make a life-long commitment. It is good that the two of you have had these struggles now because it causes you to stop and consider: is this the woman that you want to commit your life to loving?
Now a couple of things you want to make sure of: 1) were you both feeling the same level of commitment to the agreement that you made? You may have felt like this agreement to come back together was a “written in stone” kind of commitment where she may have thought it was a good idea but it is open to change as circumstances in your lives change. 2) Are you willing to make a commitment to serve the needs of this girl over your own needs? That’s what will determine whether you have a healthy marriage. It takes a commitment to be able to sacrifice and compromise your entire life long so that you give your spouse every opportunity to become all that he/she is able to be. Ideally you have two individuals who have that kind of self-sacrificing attitude and it works well. But your motivation for sacrifice and compromise is not that she will do like-wise but is wholly to see that she gets the best opportunities possible. If you go into this relationship with the feeling that you are only going to give as much as you get you are headed for disappointment.
Does that make sense?
I am a fully committed man to my woman, we have been best friends for about 4 years now and have been in a relationship for 2 years now. When we got together she had already went off to college several states away, so our agreement was that she complete college and from there we would be together in the same state, with no long distance terms. Now through the course of our 2 year LONG DISTANCE relationship I remained faithful, and supportive even during the summer when school was out and she decided to intern out of state, which caused us to have MORE distance for the remainder of the year. My girlfriend has now graduated undergrad and is living in the state where she went to school, it is scheduled for me to go the end of september to help her move here where I reside and now she is trying to renig and suggest that I just quit my stable job and move to where she is now in hopes that she will find the perfect career there. I feel undervalued, manipulated, and a lack of loyalty and willing to sacrifice on her end, when ive done nothing but compromise, and sacrifice for the whole course of the relationship! On top of all that stuff me and her had discussed going to Paris and London next year for our 3 year anniversary about a month ago, and just yesterday her uncle called her with an invite to go to Paris and London in Oct, which is the same month that she would be moving here with me. So i am asking what am i supposed to do and how should i handle this, because i am actually ready to just walk away from the relationship and let her have her life.
-Please responses people!!!
Great post!
Everyone has said enough, I will only add this:
Men need admiration
Women need love
thank you for the reply. I feel like my point was a little looked over and perhaps a bit misunderstood. I think personal development is incredibly important. Yes, the article gives an example of a very healthy approach to how ideally a man and women should approach a healthy relationship. The part that rubs me the wrong way is in how it is presented I suppose. You can’t logically state this is what all men want when this is coming from a selected group of specific people. It could more accurately be stated “this is what healthy men should want” and if you find a man that wants healthy things, this is a good approach you should consider, right? Though it’s never totally stated directly, the tone sort of implies that the fault lies on the woman because of their approach. But honestly, in most cases of two people find themselves compatible in this sense, I think it generally becomes a non issue. Men and women should work on being complete people themselves, have a strong sense of themselves, with or with out a relationship. Focus on compatibility rather than fixating on what gender is in error or what women “should do”–rather than taking on a more co dependent approach i.e.–things aren’t working right, it must be me mentality.
Hello, dear community. It has been a very long time since I have visited this page to comment on this article, but there’s been more discussion lately, and so I have felt the need to come back here and leave some thoughts.
@ Jamie, yes the article was written to help both men and women. To help women understand men and to help men understand themselves.
@ Ella, most people simply lack relationship skills and knowledge and are in too much pain around relationships. It is not so much immaturity as it is a lack of understanding of what makes relationships work. And yes, the key to future generations having better relationships is to teach self-development to children.
@Rach, good for you for finding light in the darkness of relationship hell.
@Tara, personal development is very big business. If the population of conscious people is so tiny, why are personal development ideas everywhere?
Re men being unhealthy when they are working on themselves – I would strongly suggest that if a woman wants to have a good relationship she pick a man who’s done some work on his personal development. If women expected more emotional maturity and awareness from men, men would step up more often.
Re fidelity – it has always been an issue. It is no more of an issue now then it was 200 years ago. And yes of course women need to be aware of whom they are getting into a relationship with.
That’s all I have time for now, but I will come back and answer more comments.
Tara, I guess I have to admit that I am not completely satisfied with all of the items listed in Rinatta’s article. What I do like about it is that it goes beyond the surface attributes that often men are accused of focusing on in relationships (looks, money, sensuality) and suggests that relationships that men find most fulfilling are those based on honest, honouring communication and a mutual desire to serve the needs of the other. Perhaps this is as much an article to help men as it is for women.
Psychologists say that today people are simply immature to build a real, satysfying relationships (both men and women) … Don’t you think it all starts in our homes, the way we bring up our children?… That is why blaming opposite sex for their “faults” (“women only want e.g. cash., and men- sex”) is a nonsens … The way to conquer it is to work in your heart to be more and more mature and to teach this “self – developmnent” our children …
After 20 years of happy marriage my husband became cold uncommunicative and a stranger. Turns out he had a Taiwanese girlfriend. Ok at time we were having hard time with our teenagers at home. I saw it as a huge betrayal, he moved out and had to remortgage house he bought himself place on other side of city. I have stuck with the marriage and four years on he is nicer more loving than he ever was eve. When we met. I applied being nice, appreciative and supportive in my dealing with him, at first it was an act, never critiquing him either. But by but from playing crafty to win him it has turned our relationship into what I dreamed of. I only live with him at weekends and still live in our old home because I don’t drive and his house is so far from my work. I turned to God in the dark times when he first left. Through so much pain I have arrived at the happiness I dreamed of, now even if I doubt my husband it doesn’t matter, I have the assurance I am a better, kinder, stronger person and can cope. God is indeed great.
That would certainly be a better title, still not accurate. I feel a more accurate title would be “Here is what men want who are learning and working on themselves”. I see a lot of over generalizations here. Men who are working on themselves are not necessarily… healthy. In fact they are probably not fully healthy if they are in the process of doing that. They are probably pretty vulnerable and are trying to adopt attitudes that they are being taught. Perhaps even some desire a relationship and are have complications with being appealing to women. A man who doesn’t feel that they have many options infront of them could probably handle fidelity just fine. That’s just an example, obviously. My problem with this article is not that I think infidelity is a quality to desire, it’s that these opinions here are based on such a small sliver of the male population that it’s invalid and biased. As a women, do I want to pusue a relationship riddled with infidelity? Of course not. But I think it’s wrong to suggest based on these interviews that women should change their view on what men may think. Women should be weary of infidelity and those types of issues. They should listen to their gut, not sweep it under the rug and a good man shouldn’t be annoyed with that concern because it is an important factor in most healthy relationships. Then there is the question, what is healthy? Dare I say, is infidelity unhealthy? Or is it just wrong by societal standards? We may harbor opinions based on what we would like to be true, but until you include reality and understand what it is women are really having to deal with in this century and who men are in this century, I don’t think you can accurately give generalized true worth while advice. Truth, infidelity is more common in this society than it is not. It is incredibly important that women who want faithful relationships are acutely aware of that.
I personally find it very difficult in the relationship department. Most “gentlemen” that have asked me out on dates are just looking for sex. It is very frustrating.
I have just personally given up on the idea of love. I guess because I fantasized for so long with being with that special person. After a while you just get used to being single. I have just accepted the fact that being single can’t be all that bad. It does get lonely but I would sooner be lonely than be with someone horrible.
Tara would you say that a better title would be “What Men Who Are Healthy Want?” If a man doesn’t want fidelity, is that a man that you would want to be with?
All i want from a women is a loving relationship, a relationship so intimate that i cry at just the thought of ending it.
Men ( At least i do) just want to be loved and to know their loved, they want a girl they can kiss for the rest of their lives,a girl hat will lovingly fall asleep in his arms, they just want LOVE. Not just SEX SEX SWX as many women seem to think. I will admit as a guy sex os a big driving force but we men just want Love more than sex.
I disagree with this article, a lot. For starters, the author states she interviewed men and women who are working on personal growth and development. I really think that fact alone creates a biased answer result. These are people who are studying how to approach things the “right” way in life, which means they have an interest in approaching life in the “right” way. This truly truly isn’t the mindset of the general public. AND everyone is different so you can’t speak for every man. We know for a fact not all men want fidelity. I agree a man doesn’t want to be manipulated, but this isn’t really news because I don’t think anyone wants to be manipulated. It’s about compatibility, rather than about approach. Do these two people want the same things? Do they respect each other? Or are they going to spend their time together fighting over that… it’s really not rocket science and as much as one would like to have one answer here to make life super easy, it just doesn’t work that way.
From my personal experience men and women are of course similar as we are the same species but we are completely different in how we react, act, and think. Being a self-realized person for both a man and woman and knowing who you are and your self worth is key to keeping the opposite sex. No one is perfect and weaknesses are on both sides; it is how they are managed that makes it a success. Everyone is different and relationships change therefore there is no answer to how a person should be, to keep the relationship. My advice is simple: be strong no matter your weakness. Be honest, and work constantly to keep the relationship fresh. Purpose in life is more than just pleasing someone. The aim and purpose in life is far broader. Once this is attained finding someone, just about anyone will want to be with you. Confidence is only a small part of this. Men just as women need peace around them. Something fresh. Something nice to look at. Something they respect. It is simple, no need for psychology. Everyone feels lonely. That is the main problem. Some people cannot live alone. So, they find anyone, just anyone to fill the need. Then problems arise, and they try to find a way around it. Using any way to keep the other person. We are born alone, and we die alone. We even live alone when we are with the other partner. If we are truly to feel and have someone love us back it boils down to being capable of being alone with ourselves. They say that wherever you go, you take yourself. You cannot escape from yourself. That includes escaping yourself by smothering yourself with the wrong partner. Let nature take its course. You are what you are worth and you will naturally attract the one that deserves you…eventually.
Franko, The only thing I can really grasp from your comment here is that you’re angry. I’m not sure how women can be both in “too high paying a job” and also in need of being “much more better educated”. (Who gets to decide how high is too high?) You say that you want to meet a women, but then also describe these women as “not worth meeting anyway”. I’m not sure what to say to that.
Sweeping statements made about “all women” (or “all men” for that matter) are never true. People are diverse. If you keep meeting the same kind of woman I’d suggest changing your approach. Try meeting women in a different environment. Try approaching a different kind of woman. Take a look at your list of expectations, are they current and realistic? Is the woman you’re looking for today the same woman you were looking for ten years ago or has your list matured as you did?
there are many of us men out there that are certainly looking to meet the right woman to COMMIT to. but what is the right woman today? there are so many women that just want to date as many men as they can, and just can’t seem to COMMIT TO ONLY JUST ONE MAN. why is that? years ago, it was so much easier than now, finding the right woman to CONNECT with. since there are many women these days having very high paying jobs that they did not have years ago, does certainly has a lot to do with it. they think that they are all that, and with their *&%$ don’t stink of an attitude, they are not worth meeting anyway. many women are just to into their CAREERS now, and they are not really looking to settle down. that is why it is very hard for us men that really do want to meet a good woman, but can’t seem to. i am one of so many men that hates to go out as it is, since women today like to play hard to get. then again, most of the women today certainly need to be MUCH MORE BETTER EDUCATED.
This helped a great deal, currently I am in a relationship and I have been researching how to effectively communicate with my partner and how to respond to his love language and show him my love language as well… This is awesome foundational information that I will apply to my relationship. In the past, I have been seen as less than and never equal to or heard and I am not going to be a door mat any longer and will communicate directly to him rather than everyone else and praying things turn out (like in the past) I now know i have to take charge (not in a critical or judgmental way.
I recently ended a relationship and during that time, I have been working on my own personal growth. Aside from the personal growth, realizing that communication and incompatibility were issues in the relationship. We both wanted to same things, children, marriage, a future but emotionally were not connecting because she was too scared to open up because of previous emotional baggage. After reading this, this rings so true for me and my previous relationship. I wanted to feel needed, loved, and cared for in the relationship and given praise. Like most women today, she was independent, which I did love but would never want to express her needs to me, even when asked. Ladies reading this, men in general want to be needed, they want the affection and the appreciation for who we are. Ladies, most men including myself, want to be your shoulder to lean on, to understand your thoughts and deep feelings from your prospective, to relate to you through open communication. Ladies, except for the occasional jaded man, we want to provide that happiness you desire in a relationship and have our needs met. I am a man in my mid thirties and its not all about sex. Do we love it? of course, but at the end of the day there must be much more then just a physical bond. This is what I attempted to have in my previous relationship but alas, she never understood.
To Kate, i really like the way you put it together to turn it around in a different perspective. i’m going to remember this as it will help me stop focusing so much on “what’s in it for ME”. The character of Jesus Christ is one of constant forgiveness and never giving up on His goals. No matter what was done to Him, the radiance of His love for the human race was always His focus. We can be so self centered that all we see is what is being done to us and how the other person doesn’t “deserve” our forgivness. i was one of these people before i came to understand the entity of who Christ is. i saw it as weakness not power. Only the washing of the Word can truly transform the mind to the point of being able to be in a marriage. Because i didn’t understand all these precepts, i walked out of 2 marriages and an single now. Your perspective has shed more light on where it is i need to be. Thank you.
One thought comes to mind: think about seeing (with spiritual eyes) Christ in people. It is not who they are yet (they may not even be born again yet), but our TRUE identity is who we are called to be in Christ. This is different than “How would Jesus (Christ in me) treat this person?”, instead “How would I treat Jesus (Christ in this person)?” For what we do unto the least of these, we do unto Him.
To Gail, thank you! You’ve put it all into a nutshell! It IS the truth that IF one puts Christ first that the other person will receive the perfect love of the Holy Spirit through that vessel. We humans tend to lean towards “self” everything! If i’m going to GOD and He’s helping me fill the needs of my loved one then God will see to it that i will be taken care of as well. It has to work both ways. I take care of my loved one and he takes care of me the way it speaks of in HIS word. Unless you wait for this, you are “settling” for less. Yep…you put it in a nutshell.
Andrew gave us all words of wisdom: “A Godly woman who puts Christ first above her as if he submits to Christ then Christ will provide him with the love of the Holy Spirit for you.” If you are a man, please insert man/him/she/her instead of woman as the same holds true.
Doris, that is beautiful! You are blessed to have each other! I pray that God will someday, if it is in His will, to bring me someone like your husband.
I don’t know what your health situation is, but it is truly a blessing that your husband sticks behind you and supports you. I have been blessed with the BEST mother in the world. My mother has an autoimmune disease called; Scleroderma. Please keep her in your prayers. So far she has been doing well and I thank God that her health has been holding up well!
Bullcrap, men im sure would like to delude themselves ad well
Ad others about wanting this imaginary petfect partner. The only valid.point id
Say was thw fidelity part. Many men often trap themselves in relationships with women opposite
To what was described, they get conned and the moment they realize it too late emotions amd history
Becomr ia factor as well as time invested. They pass up women they match with , and liken thwmselvea much as womeb
To the aporal and allure of dissatisfied,conniving even abusive gamers co dependecy becomes the norm nice
Girls abd guys finish last .
If you are married and you allow something as superficial as simple weight gain to creep in and destroy your relationship, how do think you could withstand a true storm? God’s plan for marriage is for it to be sacred, for you to be partners in life and lift each other up and care for one another in an often times cruel world. If you love your spouse in a Godly manner (in that you would have a Godly character/Christ-like personality) there would be no issues with “being turned off” or “disgusted” by their outward appearance. NOW, I do believe that a wife AND husband should strive to please one another, keeping in mind that this does fall in the category of respect, right? Respecting their needs and wants? You are going to be together for life so you should remember to try to do what is pleasing to one another (as long as it is not harmful or abusive). I’m talking about, me for example, I ask my husband before I do anything new to my hair, I know he doesn’t like a lot of makeup or anything wild looking, he likes me to dress modestly (which I do too), he expects a homecooked meal at dinner, the house to be clean, etc. You get the point. When I’m exhausted and I feel unappreciated, I pray and am reminded that 1) he appreciates me 2) GOD appreciates that I value His plan. No one should “let themselves go”, single or married. We need to be healthy. For the ones who complain about the wife going from a size 5 to a size 10….really? For the ones who complain about the wife going from a size 5 to a size 20…don’t be emotionally damaging as this can cause an opposite effect, speak on the terms of their health, which should be the main concern. It still may be tough, but it will be easier than nagging about being fat and tearing down their self esteem and making them feel unloved.
Great conversation going on here everyone. Thanks for taking the time to comment and engage!
I just wanted to respond to your last comment Trisha. I don’t think that ‘don’t settle for less’ means that someone who is a paralytic would be less for me than someone who can walk and run. Personally I have lived with huge health issues my entire live but I know that my husband would never feel like he settled for less when he married me.
I do agree however that often women especially do settle for men that don’t honor or respect them, and that would be settling for less. God’s best for me might not be the most handsome, or most talented, but still he is God’s best.
Brigette, i am not disagreeing with what you are saying. i’m challenging the “don’t settle for less” idea. This could mean different things to different people. i might fall in love with a parapelegic who is the sweetest person on earth yet ask myself,”am i settling for less? This man will never hike with me, chase me, dance with me, take long romantic walks with me…maybe i need to move on even though i love him very much.” What if God thinks this woman is perfect for the paralyzed man and everyone else councels her against it? Sometimes the world makes us think we have to have the most attractive, physically fit or well versed person to be our mate when God doesn’t see things like we do. Even for me, this “don’t settle for less”, eats away at me and i break up with more men who really want to be with me. They see the attributes they want in me yet i always seem to want more than what i see in them. What are your thoughts or feelings on this?