What Men Want in a Relationship

Written by Rinatta Paries

How’s your love life? If you have questions and you’re not sure who to ask, talk to a mentor.

I have discovered a stark contrast between what each sex thinks the opposite sex wants from them, and what the opposite sex really does want.

What women think men want from them causes women to have resentment and anger toward men, and feel hopeless about ever developing a wonderful, warm, romantic partnership. What men think women want from them causes them much of the same feelings and frustration.

The sad part is that it does not have to be this way, if only we would realize that both men and women are human beings first and pretty much want the same thing. But, you don’t have to take my word for this.

I asked a number of men and women who are actively involved in personal growth and development what they want from a partner in order to build a great relationship. You will find their answers unexpected. Discover what men said they want from women as contrasted with what women think men want. You’ll also find tips for women to give men what they want, attract a great man, and create a wonderful relationship.

Honest communication is top priority for men. They want a woman who answers questions honestly, and perhaps even volunteers information. They want a woman who confidently asks for her wants and needs to be met. They want a woman who can see the truth and tell it like it is while communicating with kindness. Men want a woman who can communicate without being too critical, who cares about preserving his and her dignity.

Women think men want them to be superficial, to keep quiet about their needs or wants, and never to ask for anything. Women think men believe them to be too needy and too sensitive, and that men simply want women to get over it. Some women believe they do not have the permission to tell it like it is, that they will be rejected for speaking up.

A tip for women
Great men want and need straightforward, courageous communication without anger or criticism. One way to attract a great man and build a satisfying relationship is to learn how to communicate your truth and needs effectively.

2. Men want self-sufficient, secure, confident women.

Men want a woman to choose them out of want rather than out of desperation — either materially or emotionally. Men need to be wanted and needed by their partners, but they want their partners to have a separate identity. Men want a woman to be active and independent, to have her own friends and interests.
On the other hand, men treasure time spent with a loving partner.

Women think men don’t want women to need them. Women think men do not need or appreciate time spent together as a couple. Women believe that showing a man he is needed will turn him off and
possibly make him run away.

A tip for women
Men want what women want — a whole partner. One powerful way to attract a great man and build a vibrant relationship is to create a full, rewarding life for your own fulfillment.

3. Men want a manipulation-free relationship.

Men want no manipulation of any kind. They do not want to read their partner’s mind or try to interpret signals. They do not want to be forced to move faster in a relationship than they are ready. They do not want to be manipulated into taking all the blame for things gone wrong. They do not want to be on the receiving end of game playing.

Women think men want little or no communication, and the only way to get needs met is through manipulation. Women think men either need or want to be reminded that the relationship needs to move forward. Women think men don’t want or value praise and acknowledgment, and so tend to only verbalize criticism.

A tip for women
Men will not tolerate manipulation of any kind for any significant length of time. To attract a great man and build a wonderful relationship learn to ask without hesitation for what you want and need in every area of your life. Learn to be aware of his timing and his time-line. Learn how to acknowledge and bestow praise.

4. Men want growth, personal responsibility, and ownership.

Men want a partner who can laugh at herself and who has courage and strength. They want a woman who can see her part in relationship dynamics and own it. She has to be emotionally stable. Men want a woman who is developing herself personally, and who takes responsibility for her emotional experience.

Women think men only want to have a good time. Women think men have no interest in developing and growing a relationship or developing and growing themselves. Women think men want women who are super models, and that they never consider whether a
woman is emotionally mature, kind, supportive, or loving.

A tip for women
Men want women who are emotionally mature. Maturity does not mean lack of emotions. It does mean the ability to handle emotions responsibly. To attract a great man and build a long-term relationship, learn to take responsibility for your emotional experience and expression.

5. Men want fidelity and a commitment to the relationship.

Fidelity is an absolute must. In fact, men want a woman who does not have a “roaming eye” and who can wholeheartedly commit to the relationship. Many may define commitment as fidelity plus the willingness to work on the relationship — even when the going gets tough.

Women think that all men want is sex, and that men will leave a relationship for the next prettier face. Women think men cannot be trusted to be faithful. Women believe men do not want to work on a relationship; that when the going gets tough, they run.

A tip for women
Here is great news for those women who are resigned to the myth that all men cheat: infidelity and “a roaming eye” are as distasteful to men as they are to women. Great men know how to build a wonderful relationship, and they know fidelity is the main ingredient.

6. Men want women who know how men need to be treated.

Many women treat men in ways that diminish their egos, making them feel inadequate. Men would rather have more praise, more acknowledgment of what they do right, more acknowledgment that they are great guys who are loved and appreciated.

Women think men do not need them, do not value their opinion, their support, their praise. Women also think men do not care about many things important to women, which is why they criticize. Criticism is a way to verbalize resentment.

A tip for women
Most men want acknowledgment and appreciation from women. Learning to acknowledge instead of making your partner wrong is one of the most powerful relationship survival tools available to you.

© Rinatta Paries. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you’ll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a “true love magnet”(tm)!

Now that you know what men want, what about what you want? The desire to love and be loved is the most basic human need.  You you realize how deeply God loves you? You are a human being who is loved by God. You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone. Take a minute to think about that – God loves you, and not because of what you do. He loves you for who you are and will never leave you because of anything you’ve done. Isn’t that just the kind of love you’ve always dreamed about?

You might not think of yourself as exceptional, but you are. You are a hand-crafted original. God made you on purpose, no accidents of fate or chance. The Bible says that when God created man and woman He “saw everything that He had made, indeed it was very good.” (Genesis 1:31) God created you and He is interested in the details of your life. The Bible tells us that Gods knows each of us better than we know ourselves – he even knows how many hairs are on your head! (Matthew 10:30)

It’s pretty incredible to think about. The same God who created the stars and turns the colors of the leaves in Fall, created you. You are His masterpiece and He loves you. God created you to have a relationship with Him.

>> Here’s how you can start that relationship with God right now.


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823 Responses to “What Men Want in a Relationship”

  • Noodles123 says:

    I find these articles good but unfortunately a bit naive…Due to the computer age and social media too many men AND women are no longer what you think…We all say the right thing but the truth is many of us have skeletons and wants and lusts that have zero to do with this list be they Christians or Non-Christians.

    To be honest almost ALL men cheat…Those few that don’t are usually faithful because no one wants to cheat with them…I don’t care if they are reverends/priests/cops/judges married with 12 kids and a gorgeous wife…90% of all men cheat or want to cheat.

    This computer age has been a blessing technology wise but an enemy of marriage…I agree with many things on this list but love isn’t a check off list…Love is a chemical reaction that punches you in the head and makes you dizzy.

    People confuse it till one day they get hit by real love and end up doing ridiculous things for it.

    As a man I tell you womenfolk…Be hard on your man because if you’re too sweet and soft you will get used…Yes because men are idiots unfortunately it’s in our wiring God gave us.

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Dear youraidiot, I think that the author is pretty clear in explaining why there are tips for women. This article was never intended to be the only relationships article ever and for all time. Rather, the author, who has quite a lot of experience as a relationship coach was sharing some of what she has learned about what men want in a relationship. The tips for women are the response to that, a logical counterpoint – men want this, so women could try that. I do agree that there is room for a What Women Want article. There are plans underway to expand this piece to be more inclusive.

    You asked, “Why is that the complete opposite for my husband and I?” which is a great question. The answer is that this article was not written about you and your husband specifically, it was written in generalizations based on the author’s extensive experience. No two people are exactly the same. If it’s the opposite for you, is there good info for you if you read the men’s side of this article? Are there things in the tips for women section that you would like your husband to do? It sounds like the dynamic in your relationship is different so you’ll need to adjust accordingly (which is something you probably do already).

  • youraidiot says:

    This is a STUPID article…tip for women??? Where’s the “tips” for men? The funny thing is that if this is how a couple should act , why is it the COMPLETE opposite for My husband and I??? Thoes “tips for women” should really be for men…pathetic

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Claudejose, I am no expert but I would say the best way is to be honest and ask.

  • claudejose says:

    what is an effective & smooth way to find out if a latina female friend has a boyfriend//

  • My name is Kelly Anderson from Germany, I’ m a lady of 23years, who lost her husband in a serious car accident 8mouth ago.
    I’ m left alone with a 3years old daughter, and a house that is already put on loan. I need to go in a relationship. So I need a date who can take care of my daughter and I……….contact me now at [it is our policy not to publish personal contact information on our sites]

  • Lauren says:

    I approached this article with frustration about my belief that all men are unfaithful in some way. I also approached it knowing I have to love and focus on myself first before I can concentrate on thinking about someone else. My favorite part though, aside from the “what women think” and “what men want” sections is that we are masterpieces in God’s eyes. I am a scriptural person; I have to see the words in the Bible to believe that we are “not accidents of fate or chance”. To add to the portion of God loving us, according to Psalms 139:14 King James Version, humankind is “fearfully [also translated "awesomely or magnificently"] and wonderfully [from the Hebrew word "Pele" translated "marvelously, uniquely, distinguished"] made”. According to Ephesians 2:10, we are God’s “workmanship [translated "masterpiece"], created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them”. So now you can walk with confidence knowing that according to God, we are magnificent, awesome, unique, marvelous, and masterpieces.

  • Celeste1965 says:

    I wish that I could have figured my then husband out, and gone to counseling years ago.
    I could have avoided years of emotional pain and heartache.
    I’m now seeing a counselor, something I would highly recommend to anyone.
    Talking to a person who has nothing invested in the relationship, and isn’t related to you, is helpful. My counselor was able to look at my relationship with my then husband and call it what it was…..abuse.

  • cfast cfast says:

    Hi Lindsay, we actually have resources for what women want! Please visit http://powertochange.com/familylife/sex-resources/#sexual_desire. You will find resources that pertain to both women and men. This article has become very popular but we do agree that there is another side and we therefore created resources for that purpose.

  • anna says:

    JAY T: I know how you feel, but looking for your future wife at the bar will bring no result. People now find each other in church,classes,sport activities.Good Luck

  • classy texas says:

    To Lindsay,

    Understand that God has never been an excuse for bad things I’ve done. Understand that I do good BECAUSE of God. I live my life with a true purpose to help those in need. Occasionally, like everyone, I mess up. My mistakes are blessings and my life keeps getting better & better because I choose to learn from my mistakes rather than point fingers. You say “God doesn’t exist as far as you and I know.” Lindsay, you don’t know my experience…you only know your own. Widen your mind and your thoughts to something much bigger than yourself. Or…live in the world of 5 senses where you limit yourself and choose those boundaries. It’s your choice. I think it is a process for people, so I totally understand your position….just totally think your limits are showing. In my opinion, life is not about weak and strong. It’s about many personalities (thank goodness) that should be celebrated. I hope this does not come across as “know-it-all-ish”, but I felt compelled to share & if nothing else…provoke thought. No finger pointing at men or self is needed. Be happy on your own, yes…on that point I agree…however then a man will come into your life to compliment that rather than become obsolete. God bless. (I used to hate it when people said that to me. Now…I get it.)

  • Zoe says:

    I am pretty similar to this when I am with guys and am still getting no where. I communicated my needs to my current ex which was not much at all and I end up getting dumped!

    At least I don’t have to deal with a whole lot of confusion anymore but still, agree with Stacie when a girl who is like that actually does come along a guys way, they don’t seem to know how to handle it and run away! Roll eyes.

  • Lindsay says:

    Ok so this article clearly communicates what men want. I was looking forward to reading about what women want and all that was written in that section is a few scriptures from the bible. Ate you saying that what we want is irrelevant or that you don’t know what we want? I will not accept an inferior role in any relationship in life, romantic or otherwise. I will not silence my desires or compromise my happiness to cater to masagenists. I will not pawn my problems off on “god” and use him as an excuse to be unevolved and retarded, subservient and weak. God is a figment of your imagination and a bad excuse for bad behaviour. Own your life, your actions, your happiness. God doesn’t exist as far as you and I know, and he can’t help you. Evolve people. If women stopped obsessing about what men want all the time and decided to focus on what makes us happy, men would be obsolete and all women would be happy. And sexy!

  • Andrew Andrew says:

    @Commentators I have read many of the comments and often what I find is that men try make woman love them and woman try to make man love them. When a man does not respond to a woman’s advances during a relationship often they look inward and ask themselves what is wrong with me why is he not so into me?? My own personal belief is that if you look at a mans spiritual life will determine the success of your relationship. God wants the husband to love his wife as the Christ loved the church. In today’s culture sex determines love when Gods definition of love is self sacrifice and putting the woman first. Pray and ask Christ to give wisdom and he will if you allow the holy spirit to give you the answers. God Bless

  • Ann says:

    I am in a relationship with a guy who is 11 years older than me. To let the truth be told sometimes I don’t feel that there is a relationship. He was at first all into me, he would come by on a regular basis and call me every day. He always mention the age difference between us, which confuses and puzzles me. He mentions that he doesn’t want to ever get married again. (We was apart for a year), during the time apart I started seeing and talking to this other gentlemen that stayed about 400 miles away from me. We got to know each other and things became a little more serious our planes was to move down to his city and get married. To make a long story short I got cold feet, I was not ready to leave my home town, I needed more time and he did not understand that, lets just say he got very ugly. Thank God I didn’t move God only knows what would happen once I got down there. I heard this knock on my door, guess who? my ex he ask me not to move “which I already decided not to move anyway” we started talking and seeing each other again ” This guy is my heart I don’t think he knows it.” He even ask me to cut my conversation out with the other guy and not to have anything to do with this other guy, so I did just that. after about 4 months of seeing each other again, he slowly stopped coming around and calling. I don’t know, what I’m asking is can anybody here give me some advice on this complicated relationship. Sometimes I feel the need to bring this up to him but don’t know how.

  • Chasity says:

    The real truth? Women of the new generations are too INDEPENDANT, sassy, SMART, educated and multi-talented to go through all this to make a relationship work. A few posters said it right, women have had to place and STILL do place the majority of the energy and effort into creating, keeping, and mending a great relationship. Let’s face it, women buy the books, go to counseling, read the articles, ask the girlfriends, while a vast majority of men’s relationship growth and or mending includes, hmmm let the chips fall where they may, she’ll get over it. When you have a new vibrant, fresh, independant mentality, you don’t want to be taken back to 1929 to serve your man. When relationship growth/work/mending is interchangeable and BOTH parties work as hard? YOu’ll see a dramatic decline in divorce and more single women willing to be the dream girl you men seek. I don’t blame women for being bitter or uncommitted either, it was thousands of years of oppression and being inferior to men, I am 33 and still remember my mother teaching me how men should be “treated” and the way to bag a good guy. Like it was my life’s goal, not college, growth, indenpendance, but how and what I could do to land a great husband. It’s ridicoulous.. I don’t remember the same talk to my brother about women being “treated”., I couldn’t be happier to see more satified single, educated independant women. True story;.) Chasity P

  • FLETCHER says:

    Your articles are realgood and educative. KEEP IT UP!

  • paul oyinloye says:

    All i care about in a woman is faithfulness,fidelity and development. I don’t like a woman that is carried away with the canal things of this world. Woman must not be dependent on other people success in marriage cos when they have problem she will not know. I love My woman,she’s beautiful and understanding and very spiritual. There is only one that makes relationship and marriage works, the person is Jesus christ. Until you invite him into your marriage,the house will know no peace. ???????????????k????????? sir. Call me for serminars [it is our policy to not publish personal contact information]. Paul

  • mimi says:

    [expletives removed] Sorry to sound bitter but the truth is once a man decides he wont commit to you there absolutely nothing you can do about it.

  • Trisha says:

    To Celeste65: this is exactly what happened to me! The man i tried “working” things out with, on and off. for 8 yrs, would be the same way.Especially with the “luring” me in. i was the one reading all the books and getting councelling when he would just stay the same and put me down at every turn. When i called him one morning distraught and crying about missing my son and new baby granddaughter, he was, at first, ACTED very compassionate and told me if i needed to call him back if i still felt bad to do it. Well, i didn’t get over it as fast as the thought i should and then i got his email, basically telling me i needed to “get over it” and stop being so over anxious about everything! wha happened to the compassion? So, if i had called him back, he would have been nothing but angry. He wanted things the way he wanted them even though i had the “better” way every time. i guess that crushed too much of his ego. He thought that by constantly putting me down, i would eventually shut up and let him have his way. Well, instead, i grew to love and respect myself more, just like you did, and i called the whole thing off. i blocked his email and won’t take anymore of his calls. i told him i was worth more than what he had to offer and didn’t want anything more to do with him. i really loved this man and we were supposed to get married and move to another state. i am so glad i finally stood up for myself and closed this door. i am still alone but i’d rather have my relationship with the LORD than to be with someone like him. i pray the LORD bless you and will soon bring us both to the ones HE hs for us. ~HUG

  • Celeste65 says:

    I’d recommend any woman to read Steve Harveys two books.
    The info in it is straightforward.
    I didn’t like some of the things he had to say, but in a nutshell….its the woman who does most of the work in a relationship.
    Mr. Harvey states that men aren’t going to read books that tell them what to do to keep their woman.
    It ticks me off to know that I did all the work in my marriage…my Ex said he wanted communication, but would cut me off or shut me down whenever I opened my mouth. I learned to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, because he didn’t care to hear it. The #2 statement above:”Men want a self-sufficient, secure, confident women.” I thought my husband admired these qualities in me. After 3 years of marriage, he acted like he depised me. He wanted all the control, all the time.
    After years of abuse, now in my late 40′s, I filed for divorce. I’ve been divorced for over a year now, and still find it difficult to trust men in general.
    From my experience, men pretend to have feelings like love, and compassion to lure women in then change when things don’t go their way.
    I long for the kind of relationship my grandparents had. They had mutual respect and love for eachother. To have a soft place to fall…to know that I can count on my man to be there for me…would mean everything…..

  • Laura says:

    Reply to Kim regarding your comment: “I don’t understand, I’ve learned to prevent a man from cheating or leaving a woman is usPposed to make him feel desired all the time. How do I do that if he wants me to have a activities and interests outside of him?” Having activities and interests outside of your boyfriend doesn’t mean that you don’t desire him. Loving someone doesn’t mean YOU stop living. You can show someone that they are important and desired, and make time for them without loosing yourself. If you loose yourself when you fall in love then maybe is not even “love” that you feel. Emotional dependencies are formed when you are not emotionally balanced yourself ALONE and always need someone to attach to to feel happy, that’s not love.

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Jay T, There’s an old quote that says, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” It sounds like you keep doing the same thing to try and meet women (going out every night) and it’s not working. Maybe it’s time to try something different? Being alone is hard, but it doesn’t have to be “very bad”. Be careful not to fall into the lie that your whole life will be better if you can just find someone to love you. It doesn’t work that way. Love is a beautiful thing but it’s not a magic bean or a wishing well. You can’t place your happiness entirely in the hands of another person and expect or require them to be the thing that makes you feel better. That’s a recipe for disaster. You are responsible for your own happiness, and that’s a very GOOD thing, it means you’re not stuck waiting for someone else to show up. You can be happy today. Or happier at least. Live a life that someone else would want to be a part of and you may find that you have better luck when it comes to dating.

  • Trisha says:

    Jay, i feel since we asked Jesus into our hearts and to be the “LORD” of our life, we have to let go of our self pity and all the “whys” to not being a couple. So many times HE has not only has lessons for us to learn but ways of being that need to be Unlearned. i, too, am attractice, good sense of humor, intelligent, responsible, good steward of God’s money, frugal, hard worker and that’s enough of me tooting my own horn! Just trying to make a point here…i think i’m a great catch yet i too am alone. If it’s done anything, it has made me seek even more of the LORD! HE wants to make sure that i make HIM the MOST important person in my life. We can’t put so much emphasis on another person being in our life. There are ways about us that have to be dealt with before we put ourselves in yet another relationship. Let’s get even closer to our Father who knows us better than we know ourselves. Spending so much time wanting what WE want and when we don’t get it, sets us up for the self pity trip that only makes us desperate and could possibly makes us settle for less than what the Father has for us. Hang in there my friend! God’s Word says…”But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.” Romans 8:25

  • JAY T says:

    sorry claire, but i will have to admit that i am a very low confident man that is very week minded and sensitive. since i been hurt by women a lot, it certainly makes it worse for me. i am a person that goes out every single night not to be home by myself, since i have no one to stay home too. looking at so many men and women out there that were very extremely lucky to have met one another and have a family, certainly makes me hurt even much more. i had always thought that i would have been that very lucky too, but not so far. i consider myself a good looking, caring and loving straight man that just would love to find a good woman this time around. and being alone is very bad, especially that most of my friends are settled down with their own life now. i seem to meet all the wrong women, and never the right woman for me. i am very sorry if i have caused you any inconvenience, with my problem. now i just will go out and just hope for the best, PEACE.

  • ma. angelica says:

    me and my guy had been together for 6years we have a kid but we are seeing each other in a secret way because my parents wont allow it so we have a secret relationship for 6years. sometimes i doubt my feelings for him, cause if he’s responsible enough he would go and ask my parents for my hand, actually i’m a teenage mother at the age of 16 i bear a beautiful child and my guy was not by my side when i gave birth.. what would i do until today we have no freedom to flaunt that we are a couple. i need help. how would i tel my parents about this

  • Kim says:

    I don’t understand, I’ve learned to prevent a man from cheating or leaving a woman is usPposed to make him feel desired all the time. How do I do that if he wants me to have a activities and interests outside of him?

  • Barbara Alpert Barbara Alpert says:

    Dear Grace,

    Sorry to hear what you went through with your first marriage. However, you defiantly learned a valuable life lesson from it. Yes, next time around you want a man that is well grounded in his faith than you leading the way for him. Thanks for sharing the blessings and wisdom that God gave you during and after this breakup. And “YES” keep the faith. God Bless!

  • Grace says:

    I believe, after divorce, that my next relationship must center on God. That was the missing ingredient, I think, in my last relationship. We were best friends…but over time, he would go out maybe 3 times a month & leave me home with the kids in doubt…which altered and affected our dynamics for years. Of course, then the thing I feared most occurred – infidelity. However, it was what gave me peace about filing and being freed from doubting emotions. I want a man to lead me in faith, not me try to lead him. I guess that means he should already come equipped with faith and a solid moral compass. Hope to find him before I get too wrinkly and gray. (LOL) I know there are lots of wonderful men feeling lonely…I know mine is out there somewhere. (Knowing=faith. Doubting is a negative emotion and is not aligned with faith.) Just sayin’. Keep the faith.

  • B. Miller Brenda Miller says:

    Tremendous guidance, Claire! I completely agree with you that it is extremely difficult to start a new relationship while still grieving the old one, and it is also very unfair to the partner involved with us in any new relationship. It is vital, as well, to know what we want and to clarify our confusion BEFORE we start seeking a new relationship, and it is only in being open with God through prayer, as well as a godly person who can and will hold us accountable for honestly processing our hurt and pain as we heal that we can grow to the point of being prepared to begin again with the old wounds behind us. Without doing these things, we are carrying that baggage into our new relationship, and while our past always has an effect on our present, in choosing to take the proper time and process to heal, I believe we can allow this to be a positive, rather than a negative effect.

    Thank you so much for your honest and clear response to the poster, Claire. I really appreciate you, and I know your words will bless many who read them, including me!

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hello Jay/David/Bill/Joseph/Franko/Paul, (Yes, I can see your IP address so even though you change your name I know it’s the same commenter.) I can see from your comments that you have been badly hurt by your ex-wife but I am genuinely confused about why you keep posting the same comment. I still stand by the comment I left for you last time. Yes, it is difficult to meet someone, it’s difficult for women too. I still disagree with your statement that, “many women today are not looking for men like they once did”. If you take a look at the other comments here and elsewhere on this site you’ll see that there are all sorts of women who are looking for a relationship and facing similar struggles.

    Can I ask you a really personal question? What is it that you want? You keep posting the same thing so I assume that there’s something very important that you’re trying to get, a need that is not being fulfilled. Are you looking for someone to agree with you? Did you just want to share your story? Were you looking for sympathy and I was not sympathetic enough? Are you trying to get back to the life before your wife cheated, because I am very sorry to tell you that nothing can undo what has happened. What is it that you really want?

    A betrayal like a cheating spouse is a horrible trauma to go through and I do not mean to diminish the pain of that in any way. But from reading your comments I wonder if you have gotten a little stuck in your grieving process? You might not think that you are grieving, you might simply feel angry and hurt, but when a marriage falls apart there is a grief that come with that and a grieving process to go through. As you probably know, grief typically has five steps: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I wonder if perhaps you’ve gotten stuck in the anger phase of grief? If you feel that might be the case, I strongly urge you to seek out a pastor, counsellor or other professional to help you work through the pain and get you back to a healthy place. It is going to be very difficult to start a new relationship while you are still grieving the old one.

  • B. Miller Brenda Miller says:

    Hi JAY; I certainly understand the pain of betrayal that you have experienced, as I was married to a man whom I thought and intended to be with for the rest of my life. However, after five years of marriage, he told me he was no longer happy, and that he had found somebody else and wanted a divorce. This was an extremely devastating time in my life, and, like you, JAY, I was not one who liked to go out to the bars or the usual “social scene” where one might meet someone new when I did think about a relationship again. As a non-drinker and non-partier, I did not think I would ever meet anyone with whom I could share my love and my faith. However, God is good and He is faithful, and I met my current husband in the most unlikely of places: in a lounge of the local hospital after we had both had surgery and were sitting reting after a walk down the hall! We had known each other as friends in the past, and we got talking and decided to get together to watch movies and play cribbage and keep one another company as we recovered when we got home. He, too, had been divorced after his ex-wife had been unfaithful to him, and we were both nervous about entering another relationship. At the time, we wanted to only begin as friends. As we talked, we discovered that we both valued the same things, and we both agreed in the sanctity of marriage and in being faithful to our marriage vows. Over time, we fell in love, and we have now been married for eleven years as of this past June. I praise God for His faithfulness and His mysterious ways, as I never would have dreamt that another of the most difficult times of my life – the illness and the surgery that led me to be in that hospital back in 1995, would also lead me to meet the man of my dreams and the most wonderful husband for whom I could have ever prayed.

    JAY, I encourage you to keep seeking the Lord with all your heart, and trust in Him to be the One to fulfill you. If you allow Him to saturate your heart with His love, and trust in His leading, I believe you will be content no matter where He leads you. Then, any love relationship you find with a woman will also be much more satisfying, and you will not be lonely as you wait upon the Lord to fulfill your dreams. I love the verse from the Gospel of Matthew that tells us, “But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides [Matthew 6:33, Amplified Bible].”

    I pray the Lord blesses you in every area of your life, JAY, as you seek Him with all your heart.

  • JAY T says:

    i am a straight man that is certainly looking for love again, especially after my wife cheated on me. i was a very caring and loving husband that never mistreated her in anyway, and i was very committed to her as well. i even thought that i had found the perfect woman at the time, and that i was going to spend the rest of my life with her and have a family too. a real good honest, loving and caring woman is a rare find these days, especially one that doesn’t cheat. i am one of so many men that hates to go out as it is, and it is like a game finding the right one to share a life with. many women today are not looking for men like they once did, and that certainly makes it much more difficult.

  • Jer Jer says:

    It is a blessing that the Holy Spirit was able to speak to you through me! I am with Brenda this article is good also, it will reach someone seeking advice out here.

    Anya,

    Its very important to understand that God created sex as a gift for a husband and wife. I know that is cliche to modern society but there are many deep spiritual reason for this. Here is a video I watched that was really good at explaining how we leave part of with someone we have sex with outside of wedlock.

    http://www.northpoint.org/messages/the-new-rules-for-love-sex-and-dating

  • B. Miller Brenda Miller says:

    Trisha, I agree that Jer has it right! However, I also believe that the article on this site has many great points, and all of them point to truthfulness in our relationships with one another and our need for a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, which is where we develop and learn how to become truthful with and about ourselves! The Word of God tells us, “And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free [John 8:32, Amplified Bible].” That is, the Truth about ourselves, and the Lord is the One Who reveals to us that Truth. For the Truth is reflected to us in Person of Christ Jesus as we see ourselves as we need to be. That is why relationship with Him is so very important, just as Jer stated so well.

  • Trisha says:

    To Jer, you summed it all up! They should just shut this topic down because everythin gyou shared is the bottom line to all of this. This was well written, well put and well received! God bless you!

  • Jer Jer says:

    Greetings to all,

    I feel for everyone who has a need and is seeking a complete and fulfilling relationship. I too was seeking that last year after my wife left me abruptly after six years together or so I thought. I felt incomplete alone and I knew I had things to work on, I wanted very badly to be a family again; I felt I wasn’t made for going out to bars and things like most of my friends were doing.

    I decided that I wasn’t going to date, I was going to find solid ground to stand on before I ever considered dating or getting into another relationship. I began to search the internet for videos on being a good husband in a Christian marriage. My thought process wasn’t I need to find out how to date but how to be a good husband. I came across sites like http://www.marriagetoday.com/, and http://marshill.com/media/real-marriage. I read books on how to be single and Christian and took classes at church like the resolution.

    I found that being in a relationship that will last, is dependent on being a Christ centered one. Why this is different from what I had before; is because having Jesus at the head of a relationship the focus comes of yourselves and you have the mindset of serving out of love. Another key point is many people today are having sex before their married or have a serious commitment, this allows you to make a deep emotional and physical connection with someone and is not based on something solid, as emotions are unreliable. Building a relationship out of sin isn’t smart, its not a solid foundation to start building upon.

    It’s a common pitfall to think that someone else will make us whole, or have the mindset Ill fix this once I meet someone. It just isn’t true; in order to be in a solid relationship it takes two whole people seeking God. Two broken people wont make a whole and their deficiencies will soon be revealed.

    There are both complete and emotionally, spiritually healthy men and women out there waiting for God to put someone in their life. Seek God and his kingdom first and all else you seek will follow.

    God has a plan!

    Jeremiah 29:11-14
    New International Version (NIV)
    11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares theLORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

  • Christine says:

    I agree with you Ginger on much of what you have said, however reading this whole article I could not help but think – ho hum here we go again – what can women change to please men. I would so love to read something that was to both genders, excuse me blokes – how about being men and learning what it takes to love a woman, the above article is great at telling men what women should do for them, what are men doing for women??????… Women are water we mould and flow until we have no were to flow, we cry, we are emotion. Men are wood they are solid, strong, stand beside, guide, support. One can support the other but only when each accept the nature of wood and water.
    A little comment to Rob – if a woman does not want to have sex – she does not feel safe, or if they are asking for 3somes do they need more interest? Gentlemanly is not paying for the first few meals, 7 years later my man still pays for all meals out. And some thought into your feelings that “every” woman treats you in a manner you do not enjoy could be of value. Remember we put out from ourselves what we wish to attract – so what are you putting out?

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Bandy, If he wants to get married and you do not want to get married, then it sounds like you have already made your choice. You said that you “don’t want to love him for me”. I’m not sure what you mean by that, but if you mean that he’s a great guy, you’re just not in love with him then I think you have your answer. You can’t get married because someone else wants to. Marriage is wonderful and it’s also a lot of work. You have to get married to someone you want to marry, someone you can’t imagine living without. Anything less will end in tears.

  • Trisha says:

    To Joy, why not stop the guessing games, go to him and ask,”What’s REALLY in your heart for us?” and WAIT for his answere. i’m serious…don’t say another word and when he starts to answer you LET HIM TALK. Even if the silence makes you uncomfortable. Try it and get back to us.

  • Joy says:

    Me and my boyfriend has been together for almost five month,we have had sex before but for the past one month he has been avoiding sex,at times we wil play,romance but when it to sex he wil avoid,and i know hes not cheatin on me.am thinking maybe he is puting me to test to know if i can keep myself for him alone,or maybe is trying to protect my dignity.WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK

  • Tara says:

    This is in response to Rob. You asked a question, what did you do to deserve that? You allowed someone to treat you that way. That’s how that happens. There are all types in this world wonderful people, crazy people, users, unloyal–it goes across the board for both genders. And it is a persons right to live their life how they see fit. Even if you don’t like their behavior. If you don’t want it in your life, it’s your responsibility to stay away from it. I don’t say this in disagreement, I say this because its something I’ve learned over the last few years and my life is much better for it, once I took that responsibility on myself. So I just wanted to share that, it’s an incredibly common mistake people make and it truly gets in the way of people having good relationships.

  • Trisha says:

    To Jim, i don’t know why but it always takes us getting to the Point of not wanting it anymore. The man i’ve been on and off with has gone on for almost 8 yrs because i kept letting him back in my life! The guy never changes yet i always hope he has. I’ve let months and even a year go by before letting him back yet this last time …I REALLY DON’T WANT IT OR HIM ANYMORE! i don’t answer his calls and have blocked his email from mine after making it perfectly clear that i AM DONE! Sometimes i really believe it could be self esteem issues. why else would we put up with such people who act the way they do at our expense? This man lacks in so many areas esp affection which is one of my stronger love languages. i can’t believe what i’ve put up with! i NOW feel differently because i NOW believe i AM worth more so therefore i dont’ want to settle for anything but the best partner for me. i hope and pray you do the same. Blessings to you ~

  • Rob Myers says:

    Stacie and Ginger, I am very disappointed in your rather selfish and cold-hearted responses. I am a man who has just come out of a relationship where the girl I was with constantly played mind games with me, constantly played hard to get (even into our fifth month together!), made me pay for everything, show me little or no love and affection, rarely ever told me her true feelings to me, assumed that I’d always do her bidding while she ignored my interests and also suggested sleeping with other men in front of me. And the sad thing was all the other girls I dated were the same – they insist on playing hard to get in order to spice up the relationship and, on explaining why they don’t want to come across as too eager, all claim they were in relationships where their exes treated them poorly. Now they’re treating me poorly.

    What did I do to deserve this? I’m a gentleman in every sense of the word – I pay for the first few dates. I enjoy getting to know women inside and out. I’m also very cheeky with them without being offensive. I let them live an independent life. I give them their own space and let them say what they want. But I also appreciate being wanted. And that is what I find wrong with most women today – they want to work so hard on making themselves feel good that they neglect those who genuinely care about them and go for those who will either boost their ego or excite them. Reading this article made me cry tears of joy because it summed up how I feel, what I want in relationship and what I’d like a future girlfriend to do to me. But you know what? I don’t think I’d want to be with anyone eve again. My ex upset me in unspeakable ways. You two are just adding to my pessimism. I hope you’re happy.

  • Jim says:

    I am a guy and I want to tell you, you are dead on target. I was married to a woman that did nearly everything you said woman do and it finaly got to the point where I just didn’t want it anymore. I asked her for a divorce. The sad thing is she also did them to our son and see rearly sees him now that he is grown and on his own.

    Jim

  • Bandy says:

    I have a man that praise me over nite.in his eyes 15yrs worth of love.say the most beautiful things to me.in front of every one.i just dont believe him..im so confused on how i should feel.i dont want to love him for me.i dont want to trust again.i dont want to hurt him or my self by annoying my OWN feelings,for his.what shall i do..he want us as one,marriage and babies.i want a husbandim inlove with.i lust for him but love him as my sex partner and friend.plz enlighten me

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Stacie, You paint a very sad picture of men here. Men who want these things DO exist. I hope that you get the chance to meet them.

  • Stacie says:

    This is nonsense. Men who want these things do not exist. They have been conditioned since their teenage years, to be with females who are sassy, catty, sl*tty and want to push them left and right, and when mature, responsible, drama-free woman comes along, they don’t know how to handle it, and run away.

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Helen, I do not know what has happened to you, or what you have seen to give you this impression of men but I am truly sorry that you feel this way. You paint an awful picture. No one – man or woman – should ever have to tolerate verbal, sexual or physical abuse. And no one, man or woman, should be expected to turn a blind eye to infidelity. There are a lot of men in the world who are nothing like this picture you have painted. I sincerely pray that you meet some of them. I can hear a lot of pain and hurt in what you’ve written here. If you’d like to talk to someone privately, our mentor are available. All you need to do is fill out this quick form and a mentor will be in touch.

  • Ginger says:

    Hmmm, all of the information provided here about what men want from a relationship is coming from those men who “are actively involved in personal growth and development.” Unfortunately, there are not a whole lot of those men in supply, nor women for that matter, I suppose. Basically, what I take from this article is that everyone needs to get to know themselves before they know what they are willing and able to contribute to a relationship and before they know what they should accept from their partner in return. I promise you this, if you have done personal work on yourself and choose a partner that has not, expect that this article may not apply to the rules of engagement between the two of you, and expect a lot of work ahead. Likewise, if neither of you have done work on yourselves, do not expect this to article to fit right now. Use it as a place to begin traveling toward and seek constructive guidance from good support systems (counselors, pastors, etc.) to get you there.

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