What Men Want in a Relationship
How’s your love life? If you have questions and you’re not sure who to ask, talk to a mentor.
I have discovered a stark contrast between what each sex thinks the opposite sex wants from them, and what the opposite sex really does want.
What women think men want from them causes women to have resentment and anger toward men, and feel hopeless about ever developing a wonderful, warm, romantic partnership. What men think women want from them causes them much of the same feelings and frustration.
The sad part is that it does not have to be this way, if only we would realize that both men and women are human beings first and pretty much want the same thing. But, you don’t have to take my word for this.
I asked a number of men and women who are actively involved in personal growth and development what they want from a partner in order to build a great relationship. You will find their answers unexpected. Discover what men said they want from women as contrasted with what women think men want. You’ll also find tips for women to give men what they want, attract a great man, and create a wonderful relationship.
Honest communication is top priority for men. They want a woman who answers questions honestly, and perhaps even volunteers information. They want a woman who confidently asks for her wants and needs to be met. They want a woman who can see the truth and tell it like it is while communicating with kindness. Men want a woman who can communicate without being too critical, who cares about preserving his and her dignity.
Women think men want them to be superficial, to keep quiet about their needs or wants, and never to ask for anything. Women think men believe them to be too needy and too sensitive, and that men simply want women to get over it. Some women believe they do not have the permission to tell it like it is, that they will be rejected for speaking up.
A tip for women
Great men want and need straightforward, courageous communication without anger or criticism. One way to attract a great man and build a satisfying relationship is to learn how to communicate your truth and needs effectively.
2. Men want self-sufficient, secure, confident women.
Men want a woman to choose them out of want rather than out of desperation — either materially or emotionally. Men need to be wanted and needed by their partners, but they want their partners to have a separate identity. Men want a woman to be active and independent, to have her own friends and interests.
On the other hand, men treasure time spent with a loving partner.
Women think men don’t want women to need them. Women think men do not need or appreciate time spent together as a couple. Women believe that showing a man he is needed will turn him off and
possibly make him run away.
A tip for women
Men want what women want — a whole partner. One powerful way to attract a great man and build a vibrant relationship is to create a full, rewarding life for your own fulfillment.
3. Men want a manipulation-free relationship.
Men want no manipulation of any kind. They do not want to read their partner’s mind or try to interpret signals. They do not want to be forced to move faster in a relationship than they are ready. They do not want to be manipulated into taking all the blame for things gone wrong. They do not want to be on the receiving end of game playing.
Women think men want little or no communication, and the only way to get needs met is through manipulation. Women think men either need or want to be reminded that the relationship needs to move forward. Women think men don’t want or value praise and acknowledgment, and so tend to only verbalize criticism.
A tip for women
Men will not tolerate manipulation of any kind for any significant length of time. To attract a great man and build a wonderful relationship learn to ask without hesitation for what you want and need in every area of your life. Learn to be aware of his timing and his time-line. Learn how to acknowledge and bestow praise.
4. Men want growth, personal responsibility, and ownership.
Men want a partner who can laugh at herself and who has courage and strength. They want a woman who can see her part in relationship dynamics and own it. She has to be emotionally stable. Men want a woman who is developing herself personally, and who takes responsibility for her emotional experience.
Women think men only want to have a good time. Women think men have no interest in developing and growing a relationship or developing and growing themselves. Women think men want women who are super models, and that they never consider whether a
woman is emotionally mature, kind, supportive, or loving.
A tip for women
Men want women who are emotionally mature. Maturity does not mean lack of emotions. It does mean the ability to handle emotions responsibly. To attract a great man and build a long-term relationship, learn to take responsibility for your emotional experience and expression.
5. Men want fidelity and a commitment to the relationship.
Fidelity is an absolute must. In fact, men want a woman who does not have a “roaming eye” and who can wholeheartedly commit to the relationship. Many may define commitment as fidelity plus the willingness to work on the relationship — even when the going gets tough.
Women think that all men want is sex, and that men will leave a relationship for the next prettier face. Women think men cannot be trusted to be faithful. Women believe men do not want to work on a relationship; that when the going gets tough, they run.
A tip for women
Here is great news for those women who are resigned to the myth that all men cheat: infidelity and “a roaming eye” are as distasteful to men as they are to women. Great men know how to build a wonderful relationship, and they know fidelity is the main ingredient.
6. Men want women who know how men need to be treated.
Many women treat men in ways that diminish their egos, making them feel inadequate. Men would rather have more praise, more acknowledgment of what they do right, more acknowledgment that they are great guys who are loved and appreciated.
Women think men do not need them, do not value their opinion, their support, their praise. Women also think men do not care about many things important to women, which is why they criticize. Criticism is a way to verbalize resentment.
A tip for women
Most men want acknowledgment and appreciation from women. Learning to acknowledge instead of making your partner wrong is one of the most powerful relationship survival tools available to you.
Now that you know what men want, what about what you want? The desire to love and be loved is the most basic human need. You you realize how deeply God loves you? You are a human being who is loved by God. You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone. Take a minute to think about that – God loves you, and not because of what you do. He loves you for who you are and will never leave you because of anything you’ve done. Isn’t that just the kind of love you’ve always dreamed about?
You might not think of yourself as exceptional, but you are. You are a hand-crafted original. God made you on purpose, no accidents of fate or chance. The Bible says that when God created man and woman He “saw everything that He had made, indeed it was very good.” (Genesis 1:31) God created you and He is interested in the details of your life. The Bible tells us that Gods knows each of us better than we know ourselves – he even knows how many hairs are on your head! (Matthew 10:30)
It’s pretty incredible to think about. The same God who created the stars and turns the colors of the leaves in Fall, created you. You are His masterpiece and He loves you. God created you to have a relationship with Him.
>> Here’s how you can start that relationship with God right now.
kelwal, your comment makes me laugh! Don’t we all wish we could hire our own personal couples counselor? Such a great idea! It’s wonderful when someone can actually explain to us as women how the men in our lives think and what they want in a relationship. You are right on in saying that both men and women just want to be admired and desired. So very true! We all have a craving for intimacy in our lives. To learn more about this check out this article http://powertochange.com/crave/intimacy/
As a woman, this article surprisingly made a lot of sense to me. I’m slightly miffed that a man could really define what we/ or maybe just I see that a man wants, as opposed to what he is really thinking. I think that the author was kinda dead on…. I wish I could hire him as my own personal couples councilor. I also really liked what MaryK said about how what we all really want both men and women is to be admired and desired. The road to getting there is the tricky part, lol.
Hi Carmen,
We DO have an article about What Women Want. The search is over! I completely agree with you that a relationship is not a one way street. If you do a search on our site for relationships Google will give you a little over 13 000 options to choose from. The article is just one aspect of relationships that people have questions about.
If you’ve only ever experienced men who have no interest in understanding women, then I am sorry to hear it. You need to meet some better men. (And yes, they do exist.) Did something happen to you that made you believe that all men are a certain way?
It’s interesting there isn’t an article here telling men what women want. You won’t find it because men have no interest in understanding what women want or need, so no one writes about it.
You can continue telling women what men want (and in many ways that could be a good thing), but until men learn how to follow the “Golden Rule” it won’t do any good. Relationships are NOT a one way street.
**** @ Lyra ****
It does not make him a bad person or anything but, he told you his honest thoughts that he was not looking for anything too serious, and I could be wrong, but mostly when guys say that, they can also mean nothing with titles or obligations, which is a girlfriend or anything more. You sound like you want a relationship, no need to clarify yourself, you guys get along when conversing but are not wanting the same things, if he is interested, you already said your part, he will talk to you if he changes his mind. You can keep him as a friend if you like, but there is no longer any need to pursue this, you also do not want to push or encourage him into wanting a relationship if hes not ready so dont say anything more to him about the two of you, and if someone is not wanting the same things, then its okay to move on.
Something else to consider: He brought up a past relationship, and that must have impacted him in a negative way if he mentioned it. He may like you but in my opinion, just be his friend, and if you two do move forward let HIM be the one to bring it back up… but do not mention anything or try to correct anything verbal from before. Just chat if you have any run ins, or leave it be, he will contact you if interested, trust me.
I like this guy, actually am in love with him. At first i thought he is least interested in me, but i continued to talk to him. At first he would give the shortest reply he could, bt slowly his tone became friendlier. We have met now, alone, for 5 times. Talked a lot. BUT the last time i talked to him, he brought up the topic about relationship. he asked me how i would want it, and then told me abt his previous relationships too. I know now that he is a little interested in me, but then he said he wouldnt want a serious relationship. and i agree with tht, no problem. We are just 21!! ‘marriage’ doesnt come any sooner than 6 years!
I think he mistook me though, when i said that relationship must be serious. he took ‘serious’ for ‘wedding bells’. Do you think i should clear this up with him? im a little reluctant if i should continue that relationship topic!! PLUS ONE MORE thing…. he never msgs or calls me! he says hes just too lazy to do that unless neccessary. Sometimes he doesnt even reply to my messages (he keeps very busy with work). Have i made a mistake by being the one to strt talking first?? because he rarely does that! I feel very disappointed when he doesnt start conversing, even after coming online :( Is this how men are???
Hi Chastity,
You are most welcome to share your heart here. We are encouraged as followers of Jesus to “Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2) and that law of Christ is “love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:12). So you are not causing a burden to anyone here but you are giving us the opportunity to fulfill the law of Jesus. Now this may be too public a forum for you to be comfortable sharing your hurts but I would invite you to share with one of our online mentors and let them bring a new perspective to the struggles you face and point out how God addresses those struggles in the Bible. If you fill out a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor one of our trained mentors will connect with you via email. Or as Roy suggests, maybe there is a mature Christian woman that you know who you can talk with, pray with and seek Gods help together with. But you do not need to face this alone.
Let me say that while you may have made a poor choice to continue in a relationship with an abusive man, you never have to take the blame for his abusive acts. It is not even ‘kinda’ your fault because there is no justification for what he did.
Lord God, I pray for Chastity to find the person that You have prepared to help bear her burdens with her. I pray that she would find someone that helps direct her to You and extends to her Your comfort and love. I pray that Your Spirit would bring healing to the hurts that she has endured and that through all this she would in turn be able to extend Your comfort to others who have also been hurt. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Do you think those are as central as they are for men Mary K? Are there other things that would be more important to a woman?
As a woman I believe we would like the same thing as a man… To be admired and desired..
Curt I wouldn’t take too much meaning fro something her friend tweeted…..it could be totally unrelated to your relationship with your ex. If she isn’t responding to your texts then take that for what it is, she doesn’t want to communicate with you right now and leave it at that.
I like the advice. many women don’t know want exactly what men want. As a man i will share this points my sweetheart.
I have been broken up with my ex for about a month and a half .. we had a great relationship and talked of marriage. We had problems just as any normal relationship but she said that she lost feelings about awhile ago. She was stressed with school and work. I recently just tried to txt her and no response. The next day her friend tweeted this
“God has perfect timing; never early never late. It takes a little patience and a lot of faith but it’s worth the wait.”
I am confused …. ?
I appreciate your input on the matter Roy. You are certainly right that I have to forgive the men that have harmed me in some way. This morning I had to just ask God to give me the peace I needed in my mind. I get so angry. I would certainly ask christians to pray for me because I do need help. This is not the place to post this because it is about what men want in a relationship. I do ask women to pray for me. I don’t know how much longer I can endure the emotional struggles and fear. Constant nightmares. What really made things worse was my ex-boyfriend who was abusive and he tried to kill me on December 30, 2010. It’s kinda my fault really because I shouldn’t have been with this guy to begin with. I need to move on with my life somehow. I shouldn’t be loading this on anyone here and I am truly sorry for causing a burden on anyone. It’s noones problem but my own and I shouldn’t be discussing my baggage with anyone. I’m extremely messed up and I guess I need to spend some time on my own to think what I’m doing to myself and to others.
chastity-
With respect for the manner in which you’ve formed your opinions and the experiences you’ve had, one simply cannot extrapolate their life’s experience and make a projection on the whole. I am no more qualified to make a broad sweeping judgement about females than you are to do so with males, Christian or otherwise. Our experience isn’t and can’t be a sufficient sampling of the whole. I’m sorry that you’ve had bad experiences with males. You are certainly within your right to decide to remain single. It is good to remember that mankind, male and female are in a “fallen state”. Even in the best of circumstances, they cannot make perfect decisions and cannot act without error. Some don’t even care to try. You still have to forgive them or you won’t be forgiven for your imperfections. If you will reflect on the fact that Adam and Eve were perfect, they did rely completely on God, yet he made Eve as a helpmate and companion to Adam because he said that it was not good for Adam to be alone. Clearly Eve was more than just an instrumentality to ensure human propagation. God wrote it in the human heart to want a mate and it is not wrong for humans to long for that companionship. If you feel a higher calling and it doesn’t include a mate, that’s perfectly okay. Having no trust in the entire male gender is not good and suggests that it isn’t possible for you to see this entire issue clearly and accurately. I would like to suggest that prayerful consideration of the matter and seeking opinion from mature Christian women might be helpful. As humans, we can all be thankful that God did not act on the impulse you described. Remember that even God came to feel sorry at one point for making mankind. I wish you well and hope you eventually come to appreciate that there are many males on earth deserving of trust, even yours.
Roy, I certainly tend to agree with you and the scipture you are reflecting on in Gen 2: 18-25 and some people are not meant to be alone because they don’t rely soley on God and are burning with sexual desire. I certainly am glad personally that I have never married. It is the right choice for me as it was for the apostle Paul. I have some other reasons for not marrying that are different from Paul’s reasons. Like for examle my lack of trust in the opposite sex. Every man I have come onto contact with including my sexually abusive father has either abused me or used me sexually in some way. This has included so-called christian men. God has given me every reason to trust Him and more of a reason to not trust the male sex. My mother tried dating a couple of times and found the same thing with both men she dated that were christian. Wanted her sexually or used her finacially. I am proud of her for relying on God and Jesus as her Spouse. Most men are unmarriagable material because of their abusive personalities and the destruction of lives that they cause and hide behind Jesus as their scapegoat. I guess I am glad I am not God because if I was I would have destroyed every man on this planet and sent everyone of them to hell where they belong!
While everyone who posting here brings a piece of the puzzle, none are able to tell the whole story. For instance, Chastity reflects a valid view but spreads misunderstanding also. In the Garden of Eden, Adam was perfect. God said that it was not good for Adam to be alone, even in his perfect state, so he made Eve as a companion and helpmate, each as a companion to the other. Vee correctly recognizes that problematic unions can be attributable to one or the other, or both parties. One of the major causes for divorce is infidelity, yet God said he hates divorce and only made a concession with mankind for that out of consideration for man’s hardheartedness. This means to me that God would prefer that even that breach might be “worked out”. Often, not always, the offended mate in that circumstance shares blame and responsibility. It is my opinion that many parties to marriage today do not understand the responsibilities and benefits of marriage and become overwhelmed and finally give up. It says to me that Vee is right, all should be careful and make wise choices. I know that can be very difficult because none of us is capable of greater wisdom in our decisions than our understanding and experience in life will allow. Food for thought.
God Bless you Andrew! Your message was very refreshing to hear. I too am a single woman and I am very happy in the Lord. The Lord is my spouse and my joy. We cannot rely on a person for all of our happiness and joy as they are human as well. It’s also unfair to the individual to fulfill the lonely or some void we have in our life. That’s a huge burden for a spouse to have to fulfill. Our happiness and joy comes from Jesus Christ our Lord. I praise and worship Him because He saved and rescued me from the pit. What a wonderful Savior we serve! I love Jesus because He is my first love. My praise you Lord and my praise for You is on my lips all the day long!
From experience every persons relationship is unique and different. In one relationship you can have a man who is immature, rude, selfish ,or not ready to commit, not know how to express emotions, always think he’s right, or does not know how to value and cherish a relationship correctly. Or you can have a man who tries his best, though not being able to measure up to a woman who’s expectations are too high, or who can’t appreciate what she has. Or you can have a good man with a nutcase woman. You can have two people in a relationship or even only one, who is not faithful. Flirting and staring at anyone other then your mate is related to cheating. Some have poor values or no sense of what a real relationship means and the fight behind maintaining it. It is hard to give an over all counsel to the world when every situation is so different. My voice is this: What will help maintain a long and healthy relationship is if both are “honestly” in agreement on being faithful to one another, and having high morals in that area. Take your time to date, choosing the right person for you. Don’t become emotionally attached to everyone you date. Don’t act out of desperation. Keep a lock on your heart until you know it’s right. Sex should not be allowed until you feel you have a person who deserves and cherishes you. Fidelity is one of the main keys. You can’t get bore and stop doing what you once did. That belongs to both not just women. Women need to not get comfortable and stop dressing up and being sexy. Men love this “if he is a good man he will notice”, If he doesn’t, you’ve got problems of another sort. When it comes to fidelity, you can’t think it’s o.k. to “look and not touch”. Looking at another starts the thought, which can sink into your heart, then become an action. Or make you lack respect for who you are with unknowingly or knowingly. If you’re faithful and not caught staring at someone other then you mate you build a special trust. Then all the insecurities, heartaches, and all associated and created from cheating, flirting, and looking is one process of elimination not being carried into your relationship.
If two people can get to this stage and date for years maintaining this, then everything else will fall into place. You can’t enter into a relationship with a broken heart or insecurities. You have to heal all that you are or you will take it out on your partner and the relationship. Heal you first. Give who meets your expectations the right start. Don’t ignore red flags. If a person does things that make you feel uneasy don’t pursue it.If you keep picking the same types of persons you think attracts you, yet you keep ending up single, You have look in a different direction. Women be yourself. Find what satisfies you. Make sure you have things to do to complete your day in joy without depending on your man as that 24hour support. A man needs a little space to breathe. If he is a good man to you let him do little things that interest him. As you can too. You have to find your balance between the time you spend and your own quality “me” time. Me time does not mean separate vacations or weekend parties with your friends. Love kindness and don’t nag. When you are hugged up and happy simply suggest what you would like. Or kindly state what he may have done to hurt you, but always tell him you appreciate who he is and name the things he does that makes you happy first. If he is a procrastinator hire someone to do things or learn to do it yourself. Then he may start responding to what you request. But don’t do it out of spite or throw it in his face. Be happy about it. There is a solution to every problem. For example: My husband is the biggest procrastinator I know. I kept asking for him to wash my car once a week. He never gets around to it. so i hired a friend who owns their own car detail business to clean my car and pay them. After a month he decided he wanted to do it. I never threw in his face what he would not do. I just mentioned that i need it done and and I don’t want to do it myself. Now he does it. You have to have a good attitude and handle it the right way.
So many issues can ruin a relationship. You have to respect one another. Not yell or call each other names. Never try to work out arguments if you have been drinking or very angry. It’s best to cool off completely. Woman should not feel like they have to win every argument or voice their opinion on every little issue. Anger issues can be a problem in relationships too. Men need to listen and simply do what is requested from their women instead of ignoring what was asked. They need to open their hearts and care. If they can not then why are you in a relationship. Stop making other people miserable. To anyone who is being treated bad, Don’t waste your youth, beauty, and life on a person who does not cherish you. Or one day you will wake up and be old, wishing you had not wasted your youth and beauty on some jerk who didn’t care to notice you or love you. When you get off one bus get on another. If it’s not working out leave and keep searching. Time heals all pain and all wounds. But the point is that in time you will heal and in the end you will be happy that you walked away. Then start over choosing the right way remembering all your mistakes and not making them again.
*** To Celine ***
P.s… Trust me when I say, you do NOT know for sure hat he will end this, men prefer the straight forward approach and if anything he will be annoyed that you said nothing all this time and had him thinking he was being awesome. That is nerve wrecking for men, they need to hear what we are thinking or they will NEVER magically know what we are feeling or when we are feeling hurt. Your guy sounds content, also DONT scream or sound annoyed, if you are irritated, wait till your in an awesome mood to speak to him calmly… TRUST ME, you DO NOT wanna make things worse.
But more importantly, you said you guys were in love and hes great… what makes him great, you guys dont talk you said, so I am thinking there has to be more then what you are saying. But after 3 years I will warn you… YOU are going to seem like your the one changing since you took it upon yourself to say nothing before. you need to realize how crucial it was. But seriously, if you DO love him, it better be a better reason aside from you growing on each other because you seem really annoyed at your situation.
You deserve greatness, and so does he, so be fair and YOU open up, he probably senses something wrong and feels like your the bad communicator since you have said nothing…Dont be mad, just get in there and tell him whats on your mind, if you dont,you only have yourself to blame hun.
I really wish you the best with your situation.TRULY I do, I am just worried about his reaction if what you said is true and you never spoke to him about it. Not speaking does not spare a mans feelings, it gives them a disadvantage at their attempts to please us in the relationship.
3 years… either this is working for you or its not, and if after talking, it does not work… cut ties, it will hurt but no more wasting either of your time before he proposes and you just end up the unhappy one 5-10 years in… he deserves to know.
To ***Celine***
The problem isn’t just that you guys are opposites, heck, its not even that he’s got a pervy side to him, Its that you seem completely irritated with him not being very social. Its a big deal IF its an issue for you. Some people still are somehow still a good match, but it has to work for BOTH people.
I always tell people that just because someone is a good catch does not make them a good fit for you and it always holds true. SO… that being said, ask yourself why you guys love eachother, what you have in common, how it all began, etc.
Do not stay with someone just because “I Love you” has been said. It doesn’t make him a bad person, or you, but if your not interested, then leave, IF thats what you were thinking.
On the other side, if you want to stay, then you need to communicate. Hes not the one having issues, he get you to have intercourse when he wants, he lvoes you, he watches his tv shows, and you guys live together (I think you said). So hes fine.
Let me also say that regardless his past interest in females, if he is a nice looking guy, and seems happy, he IS attracted to you… there is obviously something about you he likes.
Things to help:
- TALK TO HIM! It sounds nerve wrecking but what most people dont realize is that it DOES help and needs to be done, whether to end it quicker or make it all better.
- Make it known that you sexual needs need to be more in sync and its not JUST about when he wants it, or this arrangement will not work out for you.
- Tell him it makes you VERY uncomfortable how into other females bodies he is and how obvious he makes it. Let him know that its ok and there is no need to lie, just be open and honest with you about whats going on here.
- A BIG thing to remember, Do NOT make this convo long, and dont beat around the bush, men need it straight and so do you at this point, just take note of whatever it is you need to get out and just SAY IT! Whatever follows will be for the best, if only to stop wasting either of your times.
- Tell him you want him to be more social, not even necessarily to open up about his life, because he will do that on his own some day, but so that you guys can talk about things you do have in common, or maybe get into the same shows.
- Maybe ask him to go out with you places that you may both be interested in.
The real big deal here is that you need to find out why your even together, can you both find common ground in order for this relationship to provide happiness to both of you? If not, then no hard feelings, no man bashing, just end it and leave it at that, you simply were not a good fit. If it does work out and there is something more then awesome, but you guys really need to communicate more.
Something to consider however: He may not open up and may not even respond to your request… If not, then this may not be a great fit for you, a relationship NEEDS to be based on more then great looks, stable income, kindness, and contentment. Especially since it sounds like you want more then his not so vocal ways.
Good luck, ignore my typos, and let me know if you think I missed something here and maybe want advice based on something you may not have mentioned, but if nothing else, I hope I helped.
I am depressed and with a man for almost 3yrs that DOES NOT LIKE TO COMMUNICATE whatsoever……! Overall great man,nice looking,says he is very TRUSTWORTHY, ONEWOMAN-MAN, very intelligent,hardworker,wants to get married….TV ADDICTED AND LOVES TO SLEEPw/his fav blanket in front of TV, just does not like to TALK…. wants sex ONLY when HE wants it( 1st thing in morn around 4-5am)We are totally OPPOSITES and I don’t know how we got together, seriously…..He is ADDICTED TO “fit BLONDES,meaning tight tits and butts, preferably,but really ANY FEMALE species. HE can be in a dead sleep and hear a MOAN,GRUNT on TV and he will all but SIT UP to view it…. while I am sitting 2-3 feet from him for hrs on end with NO CONTACT,CONVERSATION,NADA, NO LOOKS, NO GLANCES,but when he SEES OR HEARS a female (on TV,)SHOWING ANY “skin” especially his favorite body parts),he is up and all focused….. YET, I have said nothing to him, BUT FIXING TO ….AND i KNOW IT WILL END OUR RELATIONSHIP…… what do I do ? WE both know we love each other, but WE HAVE NO COMMUNICATION…..i AM OUTGOING AND FUNNY AND HE IS QUIET,UNSOCIALABLE……. HELP !
Here is my actual correct fb link. I jst wana be happily headed towards the rest of mylife.
I have been thru the wringer of divorce from my HSsweetie of 13yrs, and I have never gone for a man for his money, even my current boyfriend is on a tighter budget, even have to shell out for dates. I want to see more of my current guy, but I think that he wants less of me. I am thinking We should go to nonexclusive status so I can date several, cut the sex, and he make up his mind. I want more than three to five hours a week together to be exclusive. I am disabled, cannot drive, and get very depressed chronically isolated.
I agree Lisa, it is really interesting to get different people weighing in!
@loldunno
Thank you for your reply. I’m doing research on thos subject and my subscribers will greatly appreciate this!
There are some really great and interesting responses on this page, glad I bookmarked it. :)
@Happy Man and Roy: guys I know you are talking from your own experience and that you have seen and been through the ravages of women coming after your money. But I have to say the attitudes that you have developed in response to those experiences are going to make it very hard for you to experience true trust, love and commitment to any woman. True love grows when you sacrifice yourself to serve the needs of the one you love. That means vulnerability. But when you put a pre-nup agreement in place you begin to erode that ground in which true love can flourish.
As I look around at this world I think the best example of that kind of love was Jesus. He loved me so much that He sacrificed Himself for me while I was still His enemy, trapped in my rebellion against Him. He willingly served the needs of us all so that we could benefit from His sacrifice. And because He has done that for me, I am driven by a desire to do that for others, starting with my wife and family.
If you would like to know about Jesus love for you and how His love can transform the way that you love have a look at this site http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose. I guarantee your life will never be the same!
@lisa Harris
whoah
Thats actually a interesting question you posed that I’ve never really considered before:”What do YOU think women want most out of a relationship?”
To be frank, I’ve accepted the fact that I can’t read peoples minds so I’m not quite sure… But now that I think about it maybe I guess I’ve always felt that a woman wanted someone they can hold interesting conversations with and be treated with respect. Someone who they can put trust in and someone they could count on, not in the sense that they are damsels in distress but someone to help them out if something went wrong. Someone who comes off as natural and has this magic spark about them. Someone who they can let there hair down and relax and let there natural selves be free around while accepting each others differences in opinions. Someone they feels that brings out the best in them while making amazing experiences and making memories later…
I dunno something like that? I just kinda started dating and sometimes I feel clueless about the human brain so I try not to make assumptions… I think to some extent this is what everybody wants but, hey, ya never know.
**To Men and Women, but for starters, a note to Happy Man**
I am responding for more reasons than one, but mainly because, like a bad disease that is ill diagnosed, people have their heads filled with terrible assumptions of what they think other humans are like by generalizing, and share that ignorance with others who add in their two cents, and now, the majority of our planet is ignorant as far as understanding other humans goes, and it ALWAYS starts with trying to categorize, generalize, and thinking they understand things and people that they are clueless of. And once MOST people think that way, it becomes common knowledge and then ASSUMED common sense/ truth. Its just not.
If you simply have not found someone that was the best FIT for you (not literally you, just saying in general for anyone)… Then accept that its your own fault for staying/living with someone you did not trust, for dating or marrying someone you did not take the time to get to know properly, or for befriending or making a spouse out of someone that did not fit the qualities that you really were looking for to begin with, and in the end, its your own fault for not taking out the time in life to get to know yourself enough to know what to look for in order to find that “Best Fit”. SO dont blame other people, blame yourself, get over your past, and keep an open mind for the future or you will never be the individual you THINK you are, and thus, never ever find another WHOLE individual to fill that void.
I think men and women have gotten a simple thing mixed up. Not all people avoid prenups because they WANT money… There are names for people that do just want money out of a marriage though, uncivil. Someone considerate would not be as ignorant or selfish as the woman of your nightmares. It is like Russian Roulette but what can you do, in life there are more important things than money, don’t let your fear of the negative traits some people have lead to a downfall in your relationship. Some people take offense to preups. If an INDIVIDUAL not just a woman, is just money hungry and trying to get a free fabulous lifestyle, then that is that particular individuals faulty way of thinking/ being.
An education in my opinion sounds great, but more importantly, a degree does not prove intelligence, a job does not confirm financial stability, self-dependency does not imply responsibility, and lack of discussing marriage does not inquire that someone “gets” you… for thousands of years, marriage was just a way to formally tie into someones family name as a sign of respect, and promised loyalty, so its offensive to some people to feel like you have decided that they are not equally as worthy to something so many more have had. Its like this, in courts,, they make people swear an oath of honesty on a bible… they can just take your word for it, but clearly they just want a little something more to make them believe in your commitment to telling the truth even if it does not guarantee a thing in reality.
I am not one that has ever brought up or enforced marriage upon anyone, however, I am not going to say that those who do are wrong. On a planet where marriage has been common for centuries once finding the one you want to devote your life to, the real question is, if you have found that person, then Why not? And if your simply not sure, be honest and say just that, no need to spare feelings, she has a right to know the truth just as you do. If you have not found that trust and/ or are not sure that this person is the one… say it.
Just saying, I think you have allowed yourself to be too easily influenced by what happens with others in society, and maybe your girlfriend has too… but you need to realize that you have some issues too… you are highly influenced by outside sources, and you have allowed yourself to become damaged goods, your paranoid of the “what ifs” that have the possibility of coming. If you are not sure, then of course I would never recommend that you give her a marriage, all I am saying is, get to know yourself better and whatever it really is that will satisfy you, so that you can make sure she is what you want, otherwise you are wasting both of your time. If someone is not what you want, or if your not sure, then you have allowed your concern with money blind you, as time is the most expensive thing one can waste because obviously, you can never get it back.
P.S… I have never once cared to date someone for money nor will I ever, but I can definitely understand being offended if someone who tells me they want forever with me requests a prenup… sounds like doubt in our future and in my character… this may not be the case with your lady but I am just saying, it’s a possibility.
please ignore typos and wordiness, I am an IT, I type fast and do so as the thought comes out.
Happy Man:
Unfortunately there is much truth in what you write. Had I not personally observed a scenario similar to what you’ve described, I might be a bit skeptical. Living with a woman without benefit of marriage can lead to accepting one that you might consider unworthy of marriage. Additionally, it isn’t God’s will to do so. I did it once, for 3 years. I won’t do it again. I married mine and everything went down from there for the next 13+ years. She was so financially irresponsible that I had to control the finances totally. I was accused of being controlling. She just retreated into physical and emotional disconnection. Love and affection was turned on and off like at the kitchen sink, whenever some desire was met. She left a few months before I’m retiring. She got half the assets and I’m thankful that my half are safe from her. Guys, don’t go there. All the signs are there if you’ll remove the blinders and take a very careful look. There really are a lot of selfish women who are looking for what’s in it for them. I’m not sour about marriage. I just wish experience wasn’t so costly, financially and emotionally and with the years of your life. I have only myself to blame. Be careful.
All the men I know (me included)want a woman who is educated, can take care of herself, is not financially dependent on anyone, can keep a decent job, and who doesn’t talk about marriage all the time. Been there–done that! Part of the problem is the woman herself and part of it is the divorce courts. Many men feel like all a woman wants to do is get their claws into him and then raid his bank account—don’t believe me then sit in on a few divorce hearings and find out. For the last six years I have dated the same woman and she has mentioned “marriage” several times. I ask her what she would get from a marriage that she wasn’t getting now? Her reply was–the relationship would feel more legit. ( BTW–we have lived together for most of the time). I said I would think about it but only if she consented to signing a legal pre-nup agreement. She went ballistic on me and started screaming and ranting like I have never seen–bingo–she wanted my back account more than me. Single women take heed–men are tired of being taken to the cleaners! We are tired of women that think they should be accorded a lifestyle that most can only dream of. Get yourselves an education and a good job, become financially stable and you wont need a man to support you—then you can enjoy a man as he really is–not what you want him to be!
@ John D.
The key to a mans happiness is not a woman but submitting to Christ and allowing the Holy Spirit to be the ruler in the persons life. As I am single so should I be unhappy and feel sorry for myself because God has not provided me with a second wife? No my happiness is through Christ as he can give me peace and happiness through the Holy Spirit. God Bless.
Here’s a question for the guys out there..
What do YOU think women want most out of a relationship? It’s interesting to see what each sex think the opposite sex wants, because usually it’s way off the mark! I have done studies in the past, which have surprised not only myself, but many of my readers.
So to all the men reading this, what do you think women want most out of a Relationship?
I am compassionate and loving but I am not one for a lot of sentimental fluff. I love affection when and where it is genuine. I have been accused of not being soft or sensitive enough, however my past relationship was with someone who was self-absorbed and self-important but to me, extremely insecure and this was his reason for all the “puff” and “peacock” that I refused to buy in to! This is the very thing that caused my resentment and distrust. What I’d like is some advice on being more patient with a guy who is full of false self confidence. Thank you
@Sarah
After reading your comment, I think it’s clear that there are many issues within your relationship. Trust being the main one. I don’t think Marriage is the best option at this moment in time. Maybe it’s best to wait a little while until you both can trust each other 100%
Firstly, great article Rinatta, definately one of the best I’ve read on this subject.
I just want to elaborate on point number two, because it is so, so true. “Men want self-sufficient, secure, confident women.” Ladies who are reading this, you would not believe how attractive this trait is. I have done numerous studies in the past and although they have been on a small scale, one thing was for certain.. MEN WANT WOMEN TO HAVE THEIR OWN LIVES. As Rinatta correctly pointed out, men want to be chosen out of want, not desperation. It’s never good to NEED a man, focus on your own life first. I’m constantly telling my newsletter readers this exact same thing, and it’s helped many women.
I’m definately going to share this article with my subscribers, you sum it very well!
Lisa Harris @ http://www.truthsaboutmen.info
Sarah,
There’s an old saying that says, “Love is grand, but you can’t eat it.” Love can make a lot of unbearable things better, but love without trust, or love without honesty is hard, hard road to walk. Is it realistic for a couple that has cheated on each other to get married? It depends on whether or not you’ve had the time and space to work through that infidelity. Did the behaviour change? Have you put safeguards in place to ensure that it doesn’t happen again?
You asked about trust, I think it’s logical and healthy that you’d have trouble trusting someone who lied to you. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a deal breaker, but whether it is or not depends on if the person has continued to lie and whether or not they’ve proven themselves to be trustworthy now. Can you marry someone who can’t support you financially? Yes, provided that you are willing to support HIM financially.
You describe your boyfriend as immature, childish and sometimes petty, a person who has lied to you and cheated on you. That’s not a very glowing report. Why would you want to marry someone like that? What are his good qualities? It’s a bad idea to marry someone just because you’ve been together a long time. That’s not a good enough reason. I know how scary it is to even think about starting back at the very beginning of love but trust me, dating is so much easier than being in a bad marriage.
If your heart is set on marrying this guy I urge you to get some solid pre-martial counselling before you walk down the aisle. Counselling will give you a chance to have the hard conversations that are going to be necessary if this relationship is going to have a chance. Ask yourself why you want to marry him if he sounds like such a bad idea to you. Was it something someone said? Do you have a child together? Is the only man who has loved you up to this point in your life? They’re hard questions I know, but they hurt a lot less, a whole lot less, than a divorce a few years down the road. Listen to your heart, but listen to your gut first. Often times it’s giving you really good information.
Hi, I need advise… 1st is it realistic for a 6yr couple to get married after cheating on each other.2nd is it wrong to have trust issues when a person lie about their past to impress you. 3. Is it a no brained to NOT MARRY someone who can’t financially support your family at the momment? Should u wait until things get better or is LOVE enough?oh and last but not least I’m 25 my boyfriend is 28 I think he is immature and childish,sometimes petty, will there be better days or is he stuck in his ways??????
I totally agree with this. I actually just want appreciation from a woman.
I feel so depressed before, but when I read this I felt better.
I cannot blame women why they demand so many things, I know that in the future they will be the one who will suffer the pain of bearing a child.
They will be the one who will make your dinner at night (I guess), or pack you a lunch or make you a breakfast.
Yes, I know those. But we also do something, We work, We make sure that everything is secure, We think of the future, We lead the family and We stay at your side at your side through heaven or hell; better or worse.
We maybe a jerk or an [expletive deleted] sometime, but I believe there’s a woman behind every successful man. Woman is the sole key to every man’s happiness.
We can comply to every woman’s demand just love us, appreciate us, care for us and never leave our side as well.
Then It’s up to us to do the rest. Just make us feel loved and appreciated. and that’s all. Very simple.
I want to compliment this group and website. I think they have it about as close to right as I’ve seen. As an older male, I’ve had to wade through my share of situations, issues, and disappointments. Underneath all those superficial things that cloud and confuse life when we’re young, being loved, cared about, appreciated and respected by an emotionally and financially mature (financial attitude) female is very important. We also want enough of your time in shared experience to convince us that we aren’t living life with a room mate. I strongly and heartily approve of this website and the obvious desire behind it to provide something of value and meaningful to both sexes.
Look up Corinthians 6- and 7 7 is the relationship not part 6
Corinthians7:1-5
“Now concerning the things you wrote to me: It is GOOD for a man NOT to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immortality, Let each man have his own wife and each woman her own husband.3 Let the husband RENDER to his wife the affection due to her, and like wise the husband also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have the authority over her own body. but the HUSBAND does. Do not deprive one another except with the consent of time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer and come together again so that Satan may not temp u because of your lack of self control”………. Surely you have a bible you can look up the rest of the passage in 7:8 says to the unmarried or widowed it is better to be single, hes right about that part but hes leaving out the celibacy he either doesn’t know what he is talking about or is trying to trick you that is not Gods way …… beware of false prophets
good article, thank you for sharing
It has been 5 years I have no relationship with a man after broke up with my ex BF due to he cheated on me.
2 weeks ageo I met a new future husband that I dreamed off. He’s smart and brilliant, his appearance is far from a model. But he has something inside that make me comfortable. He come for 1 month vacation and will be back to the UK within 2 weeks. I offer him for adventure trip with my friends and he’s OK about that. The think is, I do not know whether he is get into me, since when we share about opinion of marriage, he gave me Corinthians 6-7, that stated that if you need to have marriage life and still being single is doesn’t matter as long as you happy and comfortably. I can’t cathced up what he mean ? May be you can help me to translate what is it ? Thank you,
Anita, I understand what you are trying to say when you suggest that the only thing you would change about him is his desire to care for his ex-wife but really, that is one of his strengths; he made a commitment and is sticking to it even in very difficult circumstances. Could I also suggest that your presence in his life is tempting him to turn his back on that commitment he made? I know that you are in love with him and I don’t mean to sound cruel but if the situation was changed and you were his ex-wife with mental health issues wouldn’t you want him to be free to follow through with the promise he made to you? Perhaps you need to let him go so that he can put all of his energy into caring for his ex-wife. I know it would be a painful thing for you and him but sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do.
Lord God I pray that You would help Anita know what is the right thing to do in this difficult circumstance and then give her the strength to follow through no matter how hard it may be. Amen
Happy New Year! Hope everyone had a good one. Just to let you know on my update. The man that I loved and enjoying and I MIGHT be over. On Sat Dec 31,st as he was make coffee and counting the scoops.When he got to 5 I said.”Yes honey” 5… He then said. What size do you were? And I said what do you mean? And he said what size ring? I replied 6. I then thought that he bought me a ring and I would get it that night. Well I was wrong. TOTALLY WRONG!!! That night yes I was dring for the New Year.. I got out of bed and slept on the couch all night. I cried and told him that when he asked me the size. I thought I was getting a ring.. I told him a few weeks ago that I wanted a ring of him saying he wants a furture with me. I know that he has said it, but with what I put up with I feel that a ring would make me feel like we are in a relationship and that I am the one he wants in his life for a furture. He can not do that. I never mentioned her going away. It is like he is loving me and still needing to take care of her till the end. For some woman who is sick she sure can stay alone every weekend for 4 years plus. Enough is enought. I love him so much. When he brought be home he mention giving me time and told me to call him when I wanted to see him. I am so hurt, confused and torn. I know it might be the best for me to walk away, but he is the man that I love so much. If I had to change one thing about him , it would only be that he has to take care of her… He does treat me like a queen in all ways. I have not hear from him since he brought me home today.. He needs to place a ring on my finger or this will make me know that he is not going to make a committment to me ever.. At the same time he tells me that nothing last forever…. (Yes the ex wife does)
Thank you all for the advice and the prayers. I have made up my mind that after the first of the year I will slowly walk away from this man. I will slowly do this for my own sake. I now feel that I am stronger. For now I can say this to you, I have to know that I have waited long for this man to make more of a committment to me. I will pray that I can do this. Are holiday time was wonderful. But if she is that ill then he needs to place her somewhere so that he can have a life of his own. I know that this might shock him in all ways, but what more can I do? I know that I have to do this for me and maybe for him as well. It might make him wake up and mayne it will not. I had told him several months ago that I can not and will not wait much longer. I told him that I also wanted a ring of a committment for us. And I will honestly give him until after Valentine’s day. Things have been just as normal and great with the both of us. No stress he tells me, but at the same time he does not realize that I not only want, but I deserve. If it is meant to be he will be back and I will tell him that she has done this to us both. Like I said.. I knew of this situation from the first day. I was the one that let it continue. I love him will all my heart. And now I have to love me as much. Thanks for the help and advice to all.
this article makes so much sense and is probably the only source of understanding most men.
Heavenly Father, I pray for Anita. I thank You for the helpful advice she has gotten and how You have been directing her. I pray that You would continue to lead her through the difficulties of this relationship. I know she wants to honour You in the decisions that she makes so I pray that You would be clear in the way that You speak to her. I pray that you would lead her to the passages in the Bible that inform her about the priorities that You have and that she would be strengthened by Your Spirit to be obedient. I pray for this man that she has fallen in love with that he too would look to You for leading in his life and that he would know how to care for his ex-wife. I pray for her as well as she faces life with this mental illness. I know that You can heal her but You also use these kinds of infirmities to accomplish Your purposes. I pray that Your will would be done in her life and that she would discover the strength that comes from life with You. Amen.
Thank you very much. I just wish I knew more about her illness. I think that he could have her live somewhere eles and even if he needed to help her, then I would be ok with that. I would not mind meeting her at all. Not as his girlfriend, but just as a old friend or past co worker. She is afraid if another woman comes into the picture that he will not take care of her financially and she will not have a place to live. That is here fear. I know that this is the most wonderful man that I have know and that all of his qualities are great. We get along and never ever fight.. he has told me that he wants to marry me. And I told him that I do not worry about marrieage, even if we just lived together. I know that I have made the decesion to move on or slowly break away after the holidays.. I set a date of Feb 22nd. And I will stick to it. I have to for me and if it is meant to be then God will make it all work out. He does tell me that he does not want to have me out of his life at all.. Time will tell for now I guess. Thank you and I really appericate your advice and comments. Thanks Anita
Thank you for all your responces. I just want to update all of you that have helped me in alot of ways. I wanted to mention that no he does not have kids with her or at all. I have made a decesion to live for me and after the holidays I will let him no that I will either have to meet her or if he ever wants a life with me to call me, he has not make a choice. I don’t want to do this. Like I said, he is good to me, but I want and need and deserve someone who wants to live with the love that I have to give. I will be 53 in Feb and need a man who wants to be my life partner in all ways. To meet her! Well she is afraid that if there is another woman around that he will quit taking care of her fincinally and then she will have no where to go at all. This is a problem for me. She does have someone to take care of her when he is with me and when I see him during the week. She can know that he has friends even if it is a female. This relationship is great and he is all that I have ever wanted in a man, But not a ex wife for life.. I have meet friends of his more that several times and it is confirmed that she is sick. Will her illness get worse? I do not know.. If there is anyone eles who can tell me more about her mental illness, please give me your imput.
*** To Rey ***
Was your message mainly towards me, I assume so since no one else has really replied too much over the past 2 weeks, so I wanted to say:
I feel certain that you missed my point completely or that maybe you did not read Anita’s full message then my entire response possibly, or am I wrong?
My response was to agree with exactly your ‘type’ of point. Anita is in a very difficult situation where she wants to know if she should leave a man whom has loved her and treated her well over the past 4.5 years. The dilemma is that he is still living with his ex wife whom he claims he absolutely cannot part with BECAUSE she is a schizophrenic. And he has had a set schedule for the entirety of their relationship so that he can only spend certain days with each woman, his ex wife is a platonic relationship at the time, and he thinks this is logical. Therefore, HE said his schizophrenic ex wife could not be left alone much… making this a more severe case than your own.
To which my point was, that there are many schizophrenics who are just fine and take care of themselves and do not need his claimed around he clock attention, nor is she helpless. Even you are proof of this. I added however, that IF she was in a more critical state, THEN and ONLY THEN would his claim be logical in any way, which would make sense that she cannot be out on her own… However if she IS in a more critical state… Why would she not have more medical attention instead of the pitty-care he is giving her now… Read the whole convo if you can get a chance.
I for one am very well informed on many mental diseases, I have been studying them since I was a child seeing as my one year younger sister, whom is now an adult, has lived with missing a small portion of her brain, is mentally disabled, and has several different mental illnesses because of it. This is not topic I take lightly,nor is it one that I thought was fair to hear her boyfriend use as an excuse for his own beneficial purposes to living with one woman, but loving another.
If you were responding to another comment, then all the same my reply stands, I feel that this may help you understand why we started discussing more severe states of schizophrenia, as it was the only way that her boyfriends story could have made sense… Just saying.
*** To Anita… sorry your message is being discussed so often, no offense or disrespect intended in any way shape or form.