New Baby, Distant Husband
“Ever since I had the baby, my husband has been distant.”
In the midst of all the excitement of new baby, especially the first baby, you rarely hear expectant parents talking about how this child will change their marriage. Babies are wonderful, let’s be clear about that, but they are also one of the biggest changes a marriage will ever go through. Like all aspects of parenthood, it helps to be prepared.
Before the baby comes it’s just the two of you and it’s easy to give each other the love, attention and affection you need for a healthy marriage. As soon as a child enters the family, that focus changes. Babies have a lot of needs and they cannot wait. Much of the attention you were giving to each other is transferred to the child, which can leave one or both partners feeling alone.
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So what do you do when you realize that your relationship has taken a hit? First of all, take heart. Distance between new parents is extremely common. If you’re feeling distant, left out, overworked, tired, neglected, unheard or overlooked it does not mean that your marriage is doomed. It just means that you had a baby. The good news is that your marriage can definitely improve.
June Black, a frequent speaker at marriage enrichment conferences suggests the following:
1. Focus on connection rather than communication. In marriage we’re always told how important communication is. It is important, but with a new baby time is short. You may not have the time or the energy to really communicate so make connection your goal. Make time – you may need to schedule it – for the two of you to connect. Even if it’s as simple as a cup of coffee in the morning, make sure there is some point in the day when you focus on each other. Once you’ve connected, communication can come later.
2. Don’t forget to have sex. Pre-baby it might have seemed impossible to forget about sex, but in the early days of parenthood, it happens. If you’re feeling distant, especially if your husband feels distant, ask yourself “When was the last time we had sex?” There are going to be some days right at the beginning where sex is impractical, but as your body heals, make physical togetherness a priority.
Ladies, you may find that you don’t miss sex as your need for physical touch may be satisfied by cuddling and nursing your infant. Many husbands return to work after the birth and do not have as much contact with the baby. I know that you’re both tired, but he needs physical touch too. Cuddle your husband, kiss him and don’t forget to have sex.
3. Remind each other that you matter. It can be easy to lose your identity in the chaos of a new baby. If you and your spouse only ever talk about the baby, ask about the baby, or tell stories about what the baby did today you may find yourself feeling lost. Don’t forget to speak love to your spouse. If your husband leaves your bundle of joy each day to go to work, thank him. If you wife gets up three times a night to feed the baby, thank her for that. Remind each other that you matter, and that you are loved for who you are, not just what you do.
If you are experiencing distance in your marriage as you parent a new child here are three excellent books to read:
How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Dr. Patricia Love
And Baby Makes Three by John & Julie Gottman
Great Parents, Lousy Lovers by Gary Smalley, Ted Cunningham
For more great ways to strengthen your marriage, consider a Weekend to Remember marriage enrichment conference. Conferences happen throughout the year across Canada and the US.
Take the next step:
What to do when you feel alone in your marriage
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Watch: How to reconnect with your spouse
@H I read an article about an experiment that was done where they created the same type of pain by electric shock methods on two men could not handle the pain and thought they would die!! She just went threw a brutal experience in her life which was caused by you and although there is joy in the end it was still painful. Often we men don’t understand woman however what I have learned to do is to search and rely on Christ word to show me what I should do. You want the instant answer as to what the problem is when maybe you should back off and allow HER to come to you not you to her and pray that Christ will comfort her through the Holy Spirit and wait.
God Bless
Interesting. Well, here’s a mans perspective. I understand about the lack of sex drive. That’s more than reasonable. I also understand completely about how much time and effort having the little person in our lives is and how tired it makes both of us.
What I am having trouble dealing with is the complete whiplash from wanting to be cuddled and held to physically recoiling if I try and lean in for a kiss post pregnancy.
Frankly, it’s doing my head in. I didn’t suddenly turn into a troll overnight. I’m still the same person I was the day before the birth. I’m still helping out with the cooking/cleaning/washing/dishes. If anything I’m doing more of it, a lot more of it, than before. Add changing to the mix too.
Intimacy is more than just sex. And a lack of it can be read as rejection, especially if there is a total lack of communication about it as well.
Dear Abba Father-Daddy.
Lord I want to lift up my sister to you at this time in her life as she has a concern in her life. I pray that you will respond in a way that she will receive Your grace and comfort at this time in her life.
In Jesus Mighty Name Amen
Having our first child changed my husband.
I can’t say for sure whether this event triggered his behavior, or if he was just waiting for the right time to reveal his true nature.
I struggled with post partum depression. After that, I struggled with another kind of depression after returning to work full time.
To say that I “had a hard time” is an understatement. I was in an abyss, unable to get out and my husband was not supportive. I finally came to him when I couldn’t take it any more, and he angrily said to me: “What the f*** do you want me to do about it?”
So….physical closeness with my unsupportive and verbally abusive husband was the last thing on my mind.
Jean, I think you may have missed a line at the very beginning of this article. There’s a question right at the top that this article was written in response to. I wrote to women because the question was asked by a woman, not out of some belief that women hold all responsibility for fixing relational issues.
I was surprised to read that you felt the wife had been asking for cuddling all along and that husbands “usually are selfish and stingy with affection”. That’s a very low opinion of men. If that has been your experience then I am sorry to hear it. It sounds like you may have had some experiences with differences in sex needs and that there may still be some pain and anger around this issue. If that resonates for you I’d encourage you to contact a mentor. You can use this short form and a mentor will respond, usually within a couple of days. (Mentoring is a free and private service.)
You are so right!!!All they want women to do is have SEX, Sex, Sex. They never tell the man what he must do to make a woman feel like she wants to have Sex with him in the first place. It’s like event though your husband treats you like crap make sure you give him sex while you get nothing. He is the head of the household right? So should’nt he set the tone for the home.
Your comment: “Ladies, you may find that you don’t miss sex as your need for physical touch may be satisfied by cuddling and nursing your infant. Many husbands return to work after the birth and do not have as much contact with the baby. I know that you’re both tired, but he needs physical touch too. Cuddle your husband, kiss him and don’t forget to have sex.”
See men, that is what is wrong with you men. You always focus a set of directives to the wife telling her what to do to fix an ailing relationship. You are to be balanced and give the men a set of directives. The wife has been seeking cuddling and affection from the husband all along, way before the baby was in the relationship. But then the husbands usually are selfish and stingy with affection and so the baby is born and gives the mother unconditional love and now the wife does not seek it from the husband She is not doing anything wrong. But you ought to be telling the men that they need to join in this affection time with his wife and baby and quit making everyrhing about hiumself.
A man will not have to go to the hospital for medicine or surgery if he does not have sex every second of the day. Men need to put on their big boy pants and stop whining. You all know what I am talking about, like you tell us womrn we nag and complain!!!! :)