Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!

Written by Dr. Dave Currie

You might feel like you’re alone in this, but you’re not. Free email mentoring is available today. Request a mentor.  Also in this series: She Doesn’t Want Sex.

So often I hear about how much men need sex, but my husband has no interest in sex. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my husband want me?

Donalyn: Well first of all, there is nothing wrong with you! The first response of most women in your situation is to second-guess or blame themselves. While your husband’s lack of desire is certainly a problem, it is most likely not a problem with you. In fact, most sexual problems aren’t sexual at all.

Dave: That is right Donalyn. We sometimes have the idea that for men, the sexual experience is detached from what is going on inside. In reality, a man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desire. If he feels emotionally distant from his wife, and especially if he feels like a failure in any way, it can lead to a lack of confidence and therefore a lack of interest in sex. For a man, sexual performance is very much tied to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself it will definitely show up in his approach to sexual intimacy with his wife.

Donalyn: As women, we know that our sexual appetite is diminished when we do not feel connected to our husbands, or if there is unresolved anger between us. But we forget that our husband’s sex drive can also suffer for these same reasons. Likewise, if a man is overworked or under a lot of stress, whether inside or outside the home, sexual interest may start to take a back seat.

Love & God
What does God have to do with love?
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.

Dave: Of course, there are all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here too. If your husband has had any struggles with erectile dysfunction, that is likely a huge contributing factor. If he is feeling any lack of confidence in his ability to perform, he will almost certainly shy away from physical intimacy. Libido is also significantly impacted by testosterone levels, so if your husband has low testosterone, that could be the cause. Drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, may hinder the sexual desire. The good news is that many of the physical factors are very treatable, so it may be time for your husband to have a doctor’s appointment to get some help with this.

Donalyn: Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which are not so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person’s involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities. That is becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the Internet.

Related: Read Maureen’s story about her husband’s porn addiction. 

Dave: It is true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it’s a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.

Donalyn: So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he is just getting those needs met elsewhere.

Dave: Exactly. And it is not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a variety of fantasy sources, combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping women out and fantasizing about them later. Others give into their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be “neuter” for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there does not seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.

Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.

Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.

Donalyn: I would ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest. Ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Maybe he knows exactly what the problem is, or perhaps you will have to work through it together to discover what lies at the root. The best thing you can do is approach it as a team. He cannot be made to feel like this is all his problem to solve on his own. He needs to know that you are on the same side. So share with him your needs and your desires – how you would like things to be. Then work together to get there.

Dave: That is right. Support him throughout the process as he works through his fears and insecurity. Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.

Donalyn: Right. But that is tough to do if you discover that pornography or other illegitimate behaviors are part of the picture.

Dave: Yes, that is very true. But if you do suspect that this is a factor, you are going to ask him the tough questions about where he is having his sexual needs met. And as hard as it will be, if your husband has the courage to open up with you and share his struggles in this area, he will need your support. These issues can be worked through and overcome, but not without a great deal of patience and understanding.

Donalyn: It is also important to find out if there is anything that you have been doing to contribute to the problem. Not that it ever excuses wrong behavior on his part, but you need to know if you have said or done anything to turn him away from you. It may be that you have a critical spirit, that you have been controlling him or cutting him down, or that you are making him feel less of a man. If so, these are behaviors that you can take responsibility for and begin to change, in order to improve the situation between you.

Dave: Absolutely. If a man is feeling constantly criticized or dominated, it creates big damage to his self-worth, and that filters down to his sexual interest. So find out what issues may be coming between you and take positive steps to resolve them. You might even read some marriage and sexuality resources to help you through this process. Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman and Staying Close, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey are good places to start.

Donalyn: Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.

Dave: Keep in mind 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”

While I would not necessarily recommend preaching at your husband, every couple needs to remember that depriving or denying each other increases the temptation to have sexual needs met elsewhere. Again, it never legitimizes it. But a wise person will work to keep their spouse satisfied within the marriage.

Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Does your sex life need help? Find out why men can have a low sex drive.

Learn more about intimacy anorexia

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1,599 Responses to “Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!”

  • Elkay says:

    Sarah, it certainly is a blessing to have a providing husband that you are able to take trips together. Since all was “perfect” for your first year and it apparently changed at year two, there has to be something that is different. As the article above says, “there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem.”

    I know you said he does not want to talk, but tell him you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Approach it as a team.

    Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy, emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.

    If you can show him that you love him unconditionally, permanently, and loyally, prayerfully over time, he will respond in kind. Marriage best works when unselfish loves flows to and from one another as we receive God’s love for us.

    Prayerfully then, “Majestic and Heavenly Father, You placed the stars in the heavens and laid the foundation of this earth. Nothing is impossible for You and so we come to Your throne of grace to find mercy and help in our times of trouble. Lord, You created marriage as a sacred institution so that man and woman could bind together, become one in Your eyes, reflect Your image and worship You. Please help Sarah and her husband know that marriage is a decision to be committed to one another no matter what, and out of that commitment, help her husband be openly receptive to her efforts to restore intimacy between them. Whatever the issue, Lord, please identify it and resolve it in grace. We ask for this in the powerful name of Jesus. Amen.”

  • Sarah says:

    We being married for 3 years.on the first year everything was perfect.But now we haven’t had sex in 2 years.when I ask him he is saying he doesn’t know the reason.he is a good husband provide every needs.we are going trips.sometimes we are staying at the hotels.but nothing .he doesn’t even kiss me.he doesn’t even want to talk about it. Any advice?

  • Aldo says:

    Rebecca, thank you for sharing that bit of important information. I pray that it reach many of those who need to know it.

  • If your husband has stopped wanting sex, have him check his testosterone levels. Testosterone is one of the biggest drivers of libido, and when it goes south, so does sex drive.

    When my husband stopped wanting sex with me, I was convinced that it was my fault and I turned myself inside out to fix the problem.

    After a lot of tears and angst, it turned out that it was just that his testosterone levels had gone down. All of that grief for nothing!

    Low testosterone is a lot more common than most people realize, and it’s easy enough to check testosterone levels. You can go to any walk-in lab, often without even needing a doctor’s orders, and for around $50, you can have your answer.

    Once my husband restored his testosterone levels, we got back the sex life and intimacy we used to have. We’ve never been closer than we are now.

  • Charley says:

    Call the helpline your life if important.

  • Aldo says:

    Julie, thank you for all the research you have done, and for all the information you have shared with those on this Blog site. I’m sure that many will be helped if they search out that which you have made available.

    May the Lord continue to use you mightily as you reach out to those that are hurting from sexual addiction.

  • Julie says:

    I am saddened by every woman’s comments and also Bryan’s, on the distress in our marriages. I am also disappointed that there is little info. being said about Sex Addiction and the christian resources, as well as videos that can be extremely helpful to bringing validation to our souls! I have been married for 30 years this past May but separated now – my husband left me for the 2nd time on Family Day – Feb. 16th, 2015(1st time was 15 yrs. ago for almost 2 years). I only knew my husband for 9 months when we got married,we saved selves for marriage and the sexual rejection, abandonment and betrayals began on the 2nd day of a 3 day honeymoon. My christian faith kept me loyal, committed and also a rescuer/fixer as I was the only one working on relationship and giving love w/very minimal return. In 30 yrs. he initiated less than 10x. Many counsellors, but he never followed through for long; shame was involved in his perceptions of self,but the secretive life and much lying was compounded, then he began raging for last 3 yrs. as I was healing in value for myself & had counselling for myself for several yrs. His anger was accelerated and I felt I was dying inside,but still committed. When he left I finally went to a women’s shelter and other resources and have much better clarity. I was told I was profoundly neglected for the entire 30yrs.,had poor
    boundaries,& was typical battered woman – it is emotional abuse; the comments from all the wounded people are real & match symptoms of sex addiction that spouse has (women can have this too, and it’s growing apparently. My exp. has been – husband is sexual anorexic cycles…withholding all affection,masterbation,shame,shutdown…then again. Periods of shutdown to me were 2 months and up to 2yrs.of rejection. This is empowerment of control by spouse,and there’s much in books to feel understood amongst the crazy-making they can inflict onto spouse. I found out good info.15 years ago when he left 1st time – from Douglas Weiss-The Final Freedom(Pioneering Sexual Addiction Recovery)by Douglas Weiss (a Christian man);Out of the Shadows and another – Sexual Anorexia-by Patrick J.Carnes Ph.D. He was a pioneer to putting a name to what no one seemed to understand in the 1980’s. One I am reading now by Patrick Carnes is “The Betrayal Bond” which is extremely helpful to uncover where other betrayals have been in one’s life, and breaking free from exploitive relationships.

    There is usually some level of molestation or trauma, or eyes opened to porn @ too young of age that can be in the person’s younger years. PORN’S effects of over-stimulation& masterbation becomes an addiction,whereby the person eventually is unable to perform with real people intimacy; rather it is only the fantacy/masterbation that suffices,thereby canceling normal intimacy patterns in healthy ways. There is much hidden, including anger,&hard to know who the partner really is. I am in a valuable closed grp. of women for a 12 week class of healing for us as Partners of those sexually addicted…sexual addiction is really not to do with sex – rather the witholding/withdrawing of intimacy and affection. It’s a serious,intimacy disorder. Please be informed,seek validation, in order to heal. It is still widely misunderstood
    & I am hoping that this blog and mentors will benefit from up to date info that can be passed on…I needed these resources of knowledge 30yrs ago, so I’m passing it on -read,learn,grow,heal! If you live near Calgary – there is a group after Christmas you may join. Other helpful books are:
    Overcoming Passive-Agression (How to stop hidden anger from spoiling your relationships&Happiness – Tim Murphy,PHD and Loriann Hoff Oberlin.
    An Affair of the Mind (One woman’s courageous battle to salvage her family from the devastation of pornography) – Laurie Hall
    3 books used for Closed Group, Calgary: Intimate Treason(Healing the trauma for partners confronting sex addiction – Claudia Black,PhD,
    Cara Tripodi, LCSW. Stop Sex Addiction(Real hope, true freedom for sex addicts & partners – Milton S. Magness. Your Sexually Addicted Spouse (How partners can cope & heal) – Barbara Steffens, PhD,LPCC and Marsha Means, MA.

    Finally W5, a Canadian Program had a 30 minute segment (Oct.3/15)on The devastation of Porn in our society-spoke to 12yr.boy & one man (Gabe in his 20’s)on the effects of hard-core porn on the brain (overloads brain with Dopamine)&how young men are exposed by porn’s agenda how to see young women – using violence & degration as a norm to young minds. I will try to get links for those interested in healing and true transformation – it is certainly helping my life, and the sense of God’s direction – restoration & beauty for ashes. May we know the richness of the Savior’s Love for his Beloved! He desires and delights in us, and will NEVER leave us! Amen.

  • Chris says:

    bryan…sorry to hear you are struggling…its so true that mens and womens differences within the marriage can cause difficulties for both parties so many times. being that we are so different, God must have something special in mind to put together two so very opposite types of people. i believe if we read the bible we can see how God wants to teach the husband how to love his wife unconditionally even as jesus does his church. at the same time, 1 corinthians 7 shows that the sexual unión is important also to maintain active in marriage. my suggestion would be for you to first of all, give your heart and life to jesus christ who made you and designed marriage for you so you can understand what his personal plan for you really is. you can find out how to start your own personal and saving relationship with christ by logging onto or by clicking talk to a mentor above. my prayer for you is that you see beyond your marriage circumstances to what it is jesus is trying to convey and teach you. blessings!!

  • Bryan says:

    Please excuse all grammar and punctuality errors from my recent post As I am writing this from my smartphone

  • Bryan says:

    Hello all,

    I have been married for almost 8 years. I know that intimacy is not the most important thing in a marriage, but it sure is nice to share something special with your spouse. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel stupid always having to ask for us to have sex. She has never once tried to initiate and it makes me feel unwanted like its my problem. I have always tried to put her first and give her the respect she deserves. Its sad that when you are reaching out to somebody they do not get it or understand your needs are your wants. I try to understand why it always seems like a hassle to her for us to have sex and I just don’t get it. It’s always the same rodeo nothing new is tried or experimented with. Anytime I talk to her about it she gets really upset and very defensive. I was always and have always been 12 want to work out our differences and talk things out and she is completely opposite and holds a grudge. I sure hope things will turn around because I don’t know how much longer I can take it. Thank you guys for listening to me and any advice is greatly appreciated and to all the ladies hang in there things will work out hopefully for you

  • Kat says:

    Thank you for your prayers – I was in a 17 yr marriage. Beautifully naive at just 25 and he 35. I trusted him. I trusted that he was who he said he was. What I found was a person who told me who he wanted to be rather than who he was. 4-5 years in and a two year old baby later and an obsolete sex life. I couldn’t wrap my brain around why he didn’t want sex. I humbly say I am beautiful, sweet and turn heads. I tried everything you might imagine to lure him or to ‘let’him with no avail. Then.. I knew… I knew in my heart so then I looked by now my baby was 2. I’d never had a pc or cell phone until that year or two. In my hall closet was a box, a box full of porn pics he had printed. I in my naivety saw this as a cry for help. I confronted it/ him and he began to speak in tongues , he also said he could never change. I scheduled counseling and he appeared in body only a few times but nothing changed in our life together. I questioned him if he had been molested and he told me he had from 5-8/9 yr old by a teenage babysitter. He was raised hard core southern baptist btw. He committed himself to church again , saw Jesus who told him things. Told me he had changed , took me to Maui , bought me a diamond , promised a better Christian man . And four yr later I found out he’d spent approx 100 g on porn . Which it’s found for ‘free’ ( but not) so that left questions. Now- I felt like I was in a lifetime movie, so NO way was I divorcing for my child’s sake, his dad controlled all the money / power – see intimacy anorexic. Now though, I’m divorced&Hallelujah! Im floating on the ceiling. It’s not without challenges, my youth is gone, but never my self worth. We were created for spiritual connection. I’m sorry for the broken ones, it is their personal hell. God bless them.

  • Tom Tom says:

    I appreciate your input and your views, but I think it would be more believable if along with having “done your journey with God” you had repented and trusted in Christ as your savior. That way the Holy Spirit could have cleaned up your potty mouth and given you some Christian credibility. I’m blunt too.

  • matt says:

    Okay guys going to be blunt ..
    im a christian man i have over 20 years experience and done my journey with God and churches and everything else christian .. but let me tell you some facts Ladys .. YOUR MAN IS A HUMAN [expletive removed] BEING .. he not a leader or a husband or your best friend before being human .. he has biological and physcological things going on in his brain .. look at all the bible guys and girls they were messed up .. maybe instead of poking the finger and blaming your man what christ tells you get over your self and start treating your man as a human being and someone whos is complicated cant pigeon hole every man just as us men cant pigeon all women .. Love your man means going through the [expletive removed] with him ..not just blaming him .. rem younhave much power in you the change your world ..but change is a process not a quick fix ..

  • Rae says:

    How a husband and wife treat one another is an extension of their relationship with God. Intimacy is not the same as sex. God is at the center of a good marriage. Participating in sex in any way other than with your marriage partner is abuse and adultery.There is no way to continue in a marriage without basic trust. A few years ago I wrote in regarding an unresponsive partner. Most of the men don’t want anything to change, but just to keep doing what they do. After years of trying to hang in and help him I kicked this guy to the curb. No one who continues to dishonor and disrespect God and me deserves any of my time or attention. I read women saying they are with their best friend…best Friends don’t abuse and reject you. Best friends can be trusted. Best friends like to see you happy. Best friends care when they are hurting you..,best friends are loyal. I think you get it. I divorced him and asked the judge to order that he never be allowed to speak to me again I remarried and I’m insanely happy in a Holy matrimony.
    Praise God! Find a man who wants to serve God and his wife above all else, one who can keep a commitment and won’t trounce all over you.

    bam in a Holy matrimony

  • scotty says:

    All these replies, and the original article and NO ONE seems to think it’s possible it’s HER FAULT. So when a woman doesn’t want to be intimate (and a guy writes complaining), it’s HIS FAULT, and then, when a WOMAN writes in complaining about a lack of intimacy, it’…you guessed it, HIS FAULT. Did you ever think that maybe she made sex so unappealing that he’d rather masturbate? Or that she gained weight, or “isn’t doing enough around the house?” 2015 and women STILL AREN’T getting it. IT OFTEN **IS** your fault..that’s ok, I expect the White Knights to show up now and tell me how these “poor women” are being treated…and all the women who say the men are into porn, or “gay” (classic). And then of course, that I am unhappy, small, and living in my mom’s basement. MGTOW is catching on for a reason. Feminism and the female imperative prevents women from actually holding themSELVES accountable !

  • Aldo says:

    Emma, you are quite right about what you said (except for “if a man can’t deliver he needs to naff off”).

    Emma, I am interested in knowing if you are having a problem with that which you are referring to, or are you just an observer voicing your opinion?

  • emma says:

    the more I read the more sad I get – life is not how it used to be it seems there are so many men that simply shouldn’t be in a relationship whether they’re porn addicts, closet gays, only get turned on by very young girls, who knows what goes on in their heads but they sure shouldn’t be dragging some poor woman along. Relationships are about give and take, respect, love and physical and emotional connection – if a man can’t deliver he needs to naff off

  • Ll says:

    My husband is a wonderful man till I thought recently. Over a year ago I caught him in an emotional affair on phone Facebook etc. He has always rented porn till I blocked him over the last 16 years we have been together and then he started trolling Facebook and dating sites. It hurts and the longer you watch the double life unfold the more at risk you are to be cheated on. You will not have a real marriage just a comfortable one as long as you stay second best. Until he finds God he wil never commit to you fully and the more he lives with his fantasy the more distance will develop between you two and it affects the entire family. I love him more than you can imagine but he is split in two. I always wondered if he truly loved me since he would do this and he told me I was his soulmate. Guess what? So is the new lady and he did the nasty online with her also and was trolling videos even though he told her she was his soulmate. These men are usually good guys that have no self confidence. You can’t build this way. You will hit a wall. It’s okay to stand for your man but make sure he will commit to you fully first or your marriage means nothing to him and you will be sitting there wondering what happened later when he emotionally detached from you because you cannot compete with fantasy. You don’t want to. Pray that God works his miracle and blesses you. It sounds like you have a lot to give.

  • Chris says:

    2gether4kids….sorry you are struggling….its true that marriage can go through some different stages, some not always happy ones for one or both mates. some stages i think are somewhat normal. for example a mans sex drive does decrease obviously with age. that could be a part of what is happening so not to worry necessarily but rather look beyond your husband to the one who made marriage and that is God himself. sometimes we may expect more than our mates are able or willing to give. that is where faith in christ is so essential so that a person can be content and happy regardless of what is going on in their families or marriages. for more information on knowing jesus as your spiritual husband log onto or click talk to a mentor above. i am sure you will find in jesus the only true person who can satisfy the inner longings of your heart. my prayer for you today!

  • vikash Kumar says:

    I am vikash Kumar
    I have required for sox job.
    My contact no is [it is our policy not to publish personal contact information]
    I am very interested for sox

  • 2gether4kids says:

    My husband and I have been together 12 years almost. I have poured my heart out over his lack in interest. He does not do porn at all, however I feel replaced by normal television.
    When we are finally alone he barely touches me. Talking to each other without tv is rare. I know he doesn’t hear me. It’s more frustrating that in his first marriage his wife would not have sex with him hardly at all. It was hurtful to him, I just do not understand why he does it to me when we had many intimate years.
    When we finally do it makes me cry because it’s so beautiful I do not understand how he does not want to be closer to me.
    Would love any advise

  • Chris says:

    Beth…your situation is indeed a troubling one. we live in a day when men are unfaithful to their wives and then complain when they dont meet their sexual expectations since they have become slaves to their own appetites instead of loving and serving their wives as they should. jesus made it clear that looking to lust was the same as the act in Matthew 5.27 to 30 so your husband has no excuse for what he is allowing himself to do. first, if i were you, i would look to jesus for your own forgiveness and salvation for the sins you have done in life. though you are not guilty of your husbands sins, yet we need to be honest with ourselves that we have sinned in other ways before God. that is why he sent jesus his son to die on the cross for us to pay for our sins as he made them his own in his great love for us. for more information on knoiwing jesus in a powerful way as your savior log onto or click talk to a mentor above. i pray you would look to jesus for your help and guidance as only through him will things ever change and be made whole. blessings your way today!

  • beth says:

    My husband prefers pornography over me. Everyone says ‘all men watch porn’. But I don’t know anyone who’s husband is so involved with porn that they refuse their wife. Even if he tries, he can’t perform amd just gets mad. It’s always blamed on me though. He says I don’t do enough. He wants to watch another man do things to me & he says most women are very different than me like exciting and fun in bed. This is hard to deal with that your own husband can go in the bathroom and get off to random women having sex but can’t even get it hard withyour own wife. Maybe I could be exciting & fun in bed if you actually desired me and I turned you on! ??? Everytime I look in the mirror I hate myself and I hate my life. The one man that is suppose to live and protect me is the one making me feel like the lowest ugliest worthless crap. All day long other men are smiling, waving, winking, flirting etc etc and all that does is make me realize the man who is suppose to be giving me that type of attention doesn’t even knowledge my existence. I want my life back! I feel like asking for a divorce is the only way to make it clear that I can’t live like this anymore. If he grants it then I was right. If he fights for me maybe he does love me

  • Chris says:

    noor…i regret to hear of your situation….your husband had committed adultery against you. that is forgiveable but he isnt showing any fruit towards truly repenting of it which makes him living with you hardly a marriage. first, i would suggest you dawing near to God through his son jesus christ so you can be directed on what to do in this situation. if you dont know the father or his son jesus, log onto or click talk to a mentor above for more information how to. by giving your life to the lord, he will give you his divine wisdom and authority in dealing with this man who is hardly acting like your husband at this time. i pray jesus gives you the strength to move forward in his will for your life amen

  • Noor says:

    Being married almost two years, I can count how many times we had sex. Last sex was in August last year. Feels so down and blaming myself and feels really low self esteem. Till now he has not being intimate with me. When asked, problems lies with him not me. He will work it out but till now nothing have happened. I did everything looking good for him, even seduce him but it seems it does not work. If he’s not interested in sex then why he likes to see porn or even download girls naked. Recently I caught him downloading pics of young girls. I think he fetishism with young girls. Last year he was caught having sex with underage gprostitute and was put behind bars last year. I’m totally crushed, after all he have done i still willing to have sex with him but why? He doesn’t seem interested to touch me anymore. Is he sick of me already?

  • Naye says:

    The woman is not at fault! Grrrr these [expletive removed] up god views are why I am over you GOD followers! Walk in a persons shoes before you comment! Rape, torture, murder etc….NO MORE WORDS!

  • Chris says:

    kat…sorry to hear of your struggles…marriage can be challenging being that men and women are so different plus the fact that health issues can enter into the picture. one thing for sure is that God wants to help us. he sent his only son to die on the cross for us so that we could always be in fellowship with him and have ours sins forgiven us. you can have a solid base for your life in dealing with your husbands weaknesses by having jesus living in your heart and life. to find out more on how to do that log onto or by clicking talk to a mentor above. you having a strong faith in christ can help your husband have a strong faith too to be able to overcome his personal-low-image of himself. i pray you see jesus as the answer you need to all your lifes problems today!

  • Kat says:

    My husband and I have only had sex twice since we were married a year and a half ago. I’ve tried everything suggested in the above advice but nothing I do seems to help. I miss intimacy with my husband – our relationship is very happy otherwise. My husband says it is because he lacks confidence due to him being overweight and he has a low libido due to his weight issues. I give him lots of compliments and have supported him with weightloss but he is really struggling to make the changes to his diet and level of activity. I’ve started thinking maybe he doesn’t find me attractive and I am starting to lose confidence myself. We talk about having children in the future but I’m scared it won’t happen if we continue like this.

  • Potato says:

    Great effort by Power to change

  • Aliya says:

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    That is good news, Whisper, that you have open communication in your marriage. That is a strength that you can build on and use to find healing in your the way you connect sexually. Talking about sexual intimacy is not an easy thing; it is not something that most people naturally are comfortable with. Making love is so deeply personal that it is easy to get hurt when there is a hint of being criticized. But at the same time, because it is so deeply personal and intimate, that when a couple is willing to be vulnerable to talk about the feelings, good and bad, that come up in their times of intimacy, it can usher them into a new level of love and connection that could not happen any other way. I would say to both of you that it is totally worth the effort, and worth the risk to intentionally engage one another in this way.

    Remember that you are a team together. It is not about one person getting their way, but about how the two of you are loving and caring for one another in this part of your life that no one else can. It is about discovering the way you can communicate your love to one another in an incredibly beautiful and physical way that reflects the spiritual unifying of the ‘two becoming one’. It is going to require both of you putting aside your guards and opening up your secret places to each other in order to be able to serve the one you love.

    So set aside some significant time that you can be together, without distractions, and share with one another all that is going on in your heart and mind around this issue. There is a lot of good literature out there that can help guide your conversation and help give words to emotions that are very rarely talked about. Here is a site that makes a number of recommendations for books and web links Some couples need a counselor to help guide them through this conversation. They can be very helpful in setting good guidelines for your conversation and give you access to tools that will help build a pattern of communication that builds up rather than tearing apart. Here is a link to different counselor resources that might be helpful for you

    Finding the place where your sex-life is going to thrive will take time and effort. Don’t give up if it seems like the conversation is not getting anywhere. Look for other helps, keep on being vulnerable, and give lots of grace to your partner. You will never regret engaging in this team work because it will draw you closer together as you serve the one you love in this way.

    Have you guys tried any of these things before? Have you worked through books together or talked to a counselor?

  • Whisper says:

    Hi Jamie?. We don’t talk about intimacy much. It is a sore subject. He gets very defensive. Angry even. And takes everything I say in the wrong way. Like I am bashing him. Then shortly after he will be intimate to make me happy, but then I feel bad. Bad, because I forced the subject.. often I will wait weeks for any attention physically. I never have just been able to leave it alone to see how long we would not have sex. We talk about everything, we are best friends. In fact he will be reading this post. He was so angry with me about the first post. I almost deleted it. But, as I was he stopped me and said maybe we will get some good input.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Whisper, how do your conversations with him go when you talk about your intimacy?

  • whisper says:

    I have been married 14 years as of today. Last time we were the intimate was about 3 weeks ago. This is the normal, once a month. We have been together for 20 years sexually. I love him so much. We have been through so much together. I know he loves me, as I do him. Yes, I caught him with porn. And he did tell me he was using it daily for two months. I had just had our first child after 10 years of marriage. With those hormones I snapped. Even though I knew I was to blame. After being married a month, I ripped off my arm in a machine at work. Then a year later we lost everything to a fire. I have struggled throughout the years. I could see the life sucked right out of the once energetic man, as he sat motionless on the couch for years. I started a business. Good money, but cleaning houses is not the mans kind of job. So, he now as a mans job,he’s happy at work but not at home. I often wonder does he still watch the porn, is he gay¿, or is it me. I know he loves me whole heartedly as a person, he loves he kids, and my contribution to the household. Yet, I have that nagging voice in my head, ” He married a strong young lady, not a disabled one. I wish he could see all the strength I have. He blames himself for MY accident. Just because he needed the money that I was working overtime for. He was there that day, to hear my screams and saved my arm by getting me out and stopping the bleeding as well as calming me. I will never leave him for this reason. He is my hero! Yes, my arm as life will never be the same. But, I am going to fight for what is mine. Porn is everywhere. I have to be better. Not in a sleazy way. In a loving way:] wish me luck

  • Elkay says:

    Amanda, I know this is presumptuous, but what’s wrong is that your boyfriend does not truly love you. Real love means making a commitment to putting your partner’s well-being above your own and then acting on it. And the underlying problem with porn is that you will never know when you do have sex whether he is involving himself with you or is in a fantasy relationship with some other imagined woman he has seen on the ‘net. Porn is addictive and dangerous and has destroyed many, many marriages. No husband who seeks to honor his wife and/or to please God will let himself be caught up in this ugly habit.

    Listen to your “strong intuitions” and postpone your marriage until you are certain that you are being led by God to marry him. It is the Holy Spirit behind those intuitions and He is trying to get you out of harm’s way. Sexuality is God’s gift to a married couple and He very strongly cares that it not be abused in any manner whatsoever. Heb 13:3 says, ” Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.” Please listen to God’s Word on this matter.

  • Amanda says:


  • Amanda says:

    I am with my boyfriend since 7 years .. I am soo much in deep love with him can go any extend to make him feel foid about me .. We are getting married in 4 days .. Last month i found that he had a fake account on one of porn website where he had spken to almost 509 differnt girls .. Its happning since past 1in the half year .. :_(
    I always had strong intuitions that he was not loyal to me by his actions and never found my self fortunate to get his love ever since together … But the strange part is he never wanna leave me too .. We broke up alot of times but he always wanted me back .. Even this time when i saw all dirty things possible he had done on web with soo many girls .. I am a calm person not said anything to him but cried my heart out :(( .. After 22days i forgived him .. But i really need to know whats wrong still going on .. He hardy feel sex with me .. Even before we use to intimate not that much .. Only when he wanted .. But now i bady need hepl please someone tell me he still not into sex with me i do whatsoever !! I dress up nothing less then a guy want his to look .. But im giving up i think i never can stand up his needs or what ??????? When ever we try to get close he is not er***t at all ??? Whats rongggg … He tells me he does not feel sex at all .. Funny part he says he wont feel for any girl … THEN PLEASE PPL HELP ME TO GET MY ANSWER …. IF HE REALLY DOEST FEEL HORNY THEN WHATS UP WITH THOSE PORN ACCOUNT CHATTS ??????? ( i think he had not met any of them ) whats wrongg ??? Im losing … M gttng married .. No love no intimate feeling too for me ?? Whyy

  • Aldo says:

    Sharon, there can be many reasons for feeling that we can’t go on anymore, and for most people there is more than one reason. Some reasons are internal and some are external. Some reasons are related to our own choices, some are related to the choices of other people and some just happen and we cannot understand why. Some of the reasons include:
    We have intense pain (whether physical or emotional).
    Body, mind, or soul is not functioning as it should, perhaps because it is lacking something we need.
    Unwise choices of ourselves or others have left us with consequences to deal with
    We just don’t know how to deal with what our lives have become.

    Whatever the reason, Sharon, you must realize that there is help and hope for you. Also, that you cannot go it alone. What you need is supernatural strength, and that you can get from the Lord Jesus Christ. Give Him your heart. He made it, and He can fix whatever is needed for it. Trust Him. He loves you so very much that He died for you. Talk to Him in prayer, and tell Him that you are sorry for going your way instead of His Way. He is listening. He knows your heart, and will grant what is best for you.

    Sharon, below are a couple of websites which you can go to. Please Copy and Paste them into your web browser address bar. Let’s pray:

    Heavenly Father, thank You for Your love for Sharon. A love so great it is unfathomable. Help her to grasp the magnitude of that love. Help her to comprehend the sacrifice You made for her in sending Your Son Jesus Christ to suffer and die for her sins, and the sins of all mankind. Lord, grant her the understanding that You want the very best for her, and that You will help her in the situation she is in with her husband. Lord, help her to realize that with You nothing is impossible; and that all You require is our hearts given to You, in the precious and powerful Name of Jesus Christ, Your Son, I pray, Amen.

  • Layla says:

    Sharon, I feel your anger and pain. Reading your words makes me cry, for both you and me. I understand how it feels, I know it’s not my fault but it makes me feel like a piece of garbage.
    It’s definitely out of our control, I think there’s nothing we can do but praying. And at same time, keep in mind that we are beautiful, unique and precious. We are God’s masterpiece, nobody’s words or behavior could make us worth less a bit. I know it’s easy to say, but if we keep thinking about the harmful things, it will leave us nothing but more and more bitterness.
    Let’s keep praying and holding faith on Jesus Christ. He will make a way. Believe when it comes to us, he is always ALL IN! Believe he would die for us, he will make a way.

  • MGtoW says:

    It’s probably the MGTOW. It’s spreading like wildfire among modern men!

  • Marie says:

    Dear Sharon,
    You are as addicted to him as he’s addicted to porn. I found help in Al-Anon, as there were no group for porn addicts’ partners. Still, an addiction is an addiction, and it helped me so much in understanding myself, my husband, and our dynamic. Some people decide to stay, some others leave. In both way, there is a necessity to change.

    Wish you peace in your heart…

  • Trish Hicks says:

    “Ms Sharon,
    Man I can so relate . I have been down this road with a friend.Sharon being interested in porn Sharon,I am not really sure if you realize. That this in itself, is not normal, not healthy as we all know. However having to watch porn and get off watching just porn, is an addiction. Your husband right now probably has no idea that he is addicted to it. And too ones who want to only watch porn,majority of them will satisfy themselves with masturbation. When this is constantly done time after time after time. Eventually I know from experience, with a friend going through this. Once they constantly masturbate, that is the only way they can reach their peak. It gets to that point where a woman will no longer satisfy them. So your husband may or may not be at this point I can’t be the judge of that one. But too Sharon whether we can believe it or not and it is a hard one to believe, but they are also hurting. When they see their wives are hurting. That they can no longer get satisfied from the actual sexual act other then masturbation. When they have reached this point in my opinion the only thing we can do as wives is pray for them. Because nothing we can say will be of none affect. Only God can help them, And only God can help them when they have reached the point where they admit they have a problem and want help.
    Sharon here is a page I came across It may interest you to read: it may help
    I pray that this will help ease you some.
    Much love and blessings

  • Connie Huskey says:

    My God leave him….find a new life,say goodbye.No amount of pain,or dealing with this for the rest of your life,all in the name of LOVE is worth it.Go and don’t look back,be strong.Once your gone learn to live by yourself,then open a window,someone will be sent to love you and peace will be found.No matter what I would find a way to start over,and feel clean and worth so much more than you are getting out of the life you are now living. You will be so proud of yourself and that’s a great feeling.

  • Kathryn Kathryn says:

    Hi Sharon, I feel for you I really do. I am so thankful that several people have commented on your plight. I know I would feel jut like you if I was in the same position. Unfortunately as it says in the original article, pornography is responsible for so many broken marriages and it is so addictive that many people can never free themselves from it. So what hope for you? I cannot add much to what others have said but I do believe that one should never give up hope. If you truly love him, stick it out and start praying for him. If you are thoroughly disgusted by his behaviour then maybe it’s best to leave. You can be a heroine and let the family and friends think that it’s your wish to separate or you can tell him that you will leave and tell your grown children and friends why you were driven to these lengths. You will suffer, he will suffer and both go your separate ways. Either option means pain and deep suffering. I can’t help thinking that this is not the way that God created intimacy and sex between a man and his wife to be. Sad to say this world is falling more and more into sexual degradation as each generation moves further away from the only one who can save, our Creator and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, May God have mercy on each one of us.

  • meg says:

    Hi Sharon, I can feel your pain right now. May God’s comfort will be upon you… always remember that God loves you and He will never leave you…

    You are Blessed!!!!
    be strong…

  • shi says:

    I always read this serve and wonder why if God created marriage for the purpose he did…why then do we have this free will to hurt others where intimacy is concerned. I know we have been given self will to act….but why is it so painful and why can’t partners be honest with their spouses?

    1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

    “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”

  • shi says:

    Sharon…how I feel your pain because I’m going thru the same. I discovered porn on his computer and he was doing it even before we got married but I had no idea as we didn’t leave together and waited till we got married……he is addicted and I caught him 2 Sundays ago after church….he hadn’t come to church and then same night when I found myself sleep walking at 3am in the morning..he was in the living with his pants down watching porn which I’ve now discovered is lesbian porn. I don’t understand it and I don’t know why lesbian porn if for 2.5 years he’s kept saying that he doesn’t have a sex appetite..his appetite is being fed elsewhere. Are these men ashamed of this sort of behaviour against their wife..anyway only God knows why we are in this position…Sharon be encouraged and do what you need to do to make yourself happy…God bless you an give you wisdom..

  • Maricris says:


    I am sorry to hear that he is acting selfish and only himself. Maybe this is a time where you realized your worth. “love yourself first and leave it up to God” this is hard to do, easy to say. You just need to focus on you for now, and dont let him take control of your life or make you feel any less. Just remember you deserve to be treated better with respect but how can he respect you if you dont love yourself. Regain your confidence and take it day by day if you have too, that is what i have learned. Leave it up to the Lord to bring him to his senses.

  • Sharon says:

    Help please, right now I feel like I want to die. He is totally into porn and or watching other couples have sex!!! He makes me feel ugly and I am several years younger then him. I have a great job great family grown children but he does not want me. I asked him what I need to change he said nothing but he hates when I question him about anything!!! He blows up at me calls me bad names and even called me a c word in front of my mother last year. Why am I so obsessed over him loving me. He is a jerk in every intimate way but is still my best friend. He makes me think i am crazy and I know I am not!!!! I feel like I can not live without him but hate living with him!! I have been in consoling, thrpy but he has only gone once. He does not want the marriage to work but I do. Am I crazy? He does not want me and I always initiated sex with him!!! Somebody please help me!!!!

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