Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!

Written by Dr. Dave Currie

You might feel like you’re alone in this, but you’re not. Free email mentoring is available today. Request a mentor.  Also in this series: She Doesn’t Want Sex.

So often I hear about how much men need sex, but my husband has no interest in sex. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my husband want me?

Donalyn: Well first of all, there is nothing wrong with you! The first response of most women in your situation is to second-guess or blame themselves. While your husband’s lack of desire is certainly a problem, it is most likely not a problem with you. In fact, most sexual problems aren’t sexual at all.

Dave: That is right Donalyn. We sometimes have the idea that for men, the sexual experience is detached from what is going on inside. In reality, a man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desire. If he feels emotionally distant from his wife, and especially if he feels like a failure in any way, it can lead to a lack of confidence and therefore a lack of interest in sex. For a man, sexual performance is very much tied to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself it will definitely show up in his approach to sexual intimacy with his wife.

Donalyn: As women, we know that our sexual appetite is diminished when we do not feel connected to our husbands, or if there is unresolved anger between us. But we forget that our husband’s sex drive can also suffer for these same reasons. Likewise, if a man is overworked or under a lot of stress, whether inside or outside the home, sexual interest may start to take a back seat.

Love & God
What does God have to do with love?
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.

Dave: Of course, there are all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here too. If your husband has had any struggles with erectile dysfunction, that is likely a huge contributing factor. If he is feeling any lack of confidence in his ability to perform, he will almost certainly shy away from physical intimacy. Libido is also significantly impacted by testosterone levels, so if your husband has low testosterone, that could be the cause. Drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, may hinder the sexual desire. The good news is that many of the physical factors are very treatable, so it may be time for your husband to have a doctor’s appointment to get some help with this.

Donalyn: Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which are not so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person’s involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities. That is becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the Internet.

Related: Read Maureen’s story about her husband’s porn addiction. 

Dave: It is true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it’s a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.

Donalyn: So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he is just getting those needs met elsewhere.

Dave: Exactly. And it is not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a variety of fantasy sources, combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping women out and fantasizing about them later. Others give into their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be “neuter” for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there does not seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.

Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.

Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.

Donalyn: I would ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest. Ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Maybe he knows exactly what the problem is, or perhaps you will have to work through it together to discover what lies at the root. The best thing you can do is approach it as a team. He cannot be made to feel like this is all his problem to solve on his own. He needs to know that you are on the same side. So share with him your needs and your desires – how you would like things to be. Then work together to get there.

Dave: That is right. Support him throughout the process as he works through his fears and insecurity. Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.

Donalyn: Right. But that is tough to do if you discover that pornography or other illegitimate behaviors are part of the picture.

Dave: Yes, that is very true. But if you do suspect that this is a factor, you are going to ask him the tough questions about where he is having his sexual needs met. And as hard as it will be, if your husband has the courage to open up with you and share his struggles in this area, he will need your support. These issues can be worked through and overcome, but not without a great deal of patience and understanding.

Donalyn: It is also important to find out if there is anything that you have been doing to contribute to the problem. Not that it ever excuses wrong behavior on his part, but you need to know if you have said or done anything to turn him away from you. It may be that you have a critical spirit, that you have been controlling him or cutting him down, or that you are making him feel less of a man. If so, these are behaviors that you can take responsibility for and begin to change, in order to improve the situation between you.

Dave: Absolutely. If a man is feeling constantly criticized or dominated, it creates big damage to his self-worth, and that filters down to his sexual interest. So find out what issues may be coming between you and take positive steps to resolve them. You might even read some marriage and sexuality resources to help you through this process. Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman and Staying Close, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey are good places to start.

Donalyn: Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.

Dave: Keep in mind 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”

While I would not necessarily recommend preaching at your husband, every couple needs to remember that depriving or denying each other increases the temptation to have sexual needs met elsewhere. Again, it never legitimizes it. But a wise person will work to keep their spouse satisfied within the marriage.

 

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1,628 Responses to “Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!”

  • Aldo says:

    Terry, only God can bring that about. You can intercede on his behalf that God will bring that change about, but you first need to be in right relationship with God yourself. That relationship comes through being sorry for your sins, asking forgiveness for them, and accepting and receiving Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord.

    2) How can we overcome these biological mismatches and have what most of us want, which is a loving emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship with the one person we love deeply?

    Terry, the answer to that is trusting God to bring it about. You see Terry, Jesus is the answer to all your problems, whether they be big or small, financial or habitual, domestic or physical. He wants to be your redeemer, your healer, and your deliverer. Turn your life over to Him, and trust Him to bring about what He knows is best for you.

    If you would like to, you can receive Him right now as your personal Savior and Lord.

    Remember, God knows your heart and is not as concerned with your words as He is with your intent. The following is a suggested prayer:

    “Dear God, I admit I am a sinner and need Your forgiveness; I believe that Jesus Christ, Your Son, died in my place, paying the penalty for my sins. I am willing right now to turn from my sin and accept Him as my personal Savior and Lord. I commit myself to You, and ask You to send the Holy Spirit into my life, to fill me and take control, and to help me become the kind of person You want me to be. Thank You Father for loving me, forgiving my sins, and for giving me everlasting life, in Jesus name, Amen.”

  • Terry says:

    We have been married almost 3yrs. For work related reasons we were away from each other for 14months. Once we were together my husband started behaving differently.
    He had no interest in sex whatsoever. I tried talking to him lovingly, getting angry and asking for doctors help. nothing worked out. He is still firm on saying no for sex. It is been more an year it is only me who talks about having sex or initiating it. All he has to say is “NOT INTERESTED”.

    he is very nice guy, I am 200% sure he isnt cheating on me. but I have no clue whats bothering him. I feel like setting myself free but i love him way too much for it.

    Help me find a cause.

  • sara says:

    you can wait one year or 2 years
    try every thing and get all the help you can but if it is still the same
    dont stay in this relation ship
    intimacy is like food or sleep you cant live without it even if you want ,
    you are born with this need and if you ignore it, it can lead to emotional even physical sickness or health problems . Life is too short we cant wait for ever for things to change

  • bill says:

    Sorry about some of the words I typed it on my smart phone and it did auto correct. I meant (come to me and say) instead of omega to me and say. Sorry about the auto correct.

  • bill says:

    I don’t want to have sex with my wife of 11 years because she has ways complained before during and after. For 11 years I had to beg her for sex and one day I just decided that I would never ask her to have sex with me ever again. I am done begging her. For years before i decided to quit trying a month or two would go by and she would omega to me and say she wanted to have sex and I would be so happy thinking we would finally have a sex life but I would just pay for it emotionally afterwards. It’s funny she had sex with a bunch of men before we met and don’t think she ever said no to anyone but then I married her and 2 months later I would have to beg for it and only get it once a month if I was lucky. That’s why now after 11 years I have decided I won’t have sex with her ever again. I still love her I have just been so emotionally traumatized that I just wont have sex with her anymore. I hope our marriage will still work without sex. Sex and our kids are the only two things that we have ever argued about.

  • Aldo says:

    Em, to begin with it is not mother nature that has caused all that you state to come to be. God is the Supreme Creator of the universe, nature, and humankind. And when He had created all these, “Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good.” (Gen.1:31)

    Em, since that time, through the disobedience and rebelliousness of man, everything you spoke of has become degraded and corrupted.

    You asked two questions in your comments: 1) What should a woman married to such a man do?

    Em, the answer to that is that the man,s heart needs to change. Only God can bring that about. You can intercede on his behalf that God will bring that change about, but you first need to be in right relationship with God yourself. That relationship comes through being sorry for your sins, asking forgiveness for them, and accepting and receiving Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord.

    2) How can we overcome these biological mismatches and have what most of us want, which is a loving emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship with the one person we love deeply?

    Em, the answer to that is the same as the first answer. You see Em, Jesus is the answer to all your problems, whether they be big or small, financial or habitual, domestic or physical. He wants to be your redeemer, your healer, and your deliverer. Turn your life over to Him, and trust Him to bring about what He knows is best for you.

    If you would like to, this is how you can do it.

    Remember, God knows your heart and is not as concerned with your words as He is with your attitude. The following is a suggested prayer:

    “Dear God, I admit I am a sinner and need Your forgiveness; I believe that Jesus Christ, Your Son, died in my place, paying the penalty for my sins. I am willing right now to turn from my sin and accept Him as my personal Savior and Lord. I commit myself to You, and ask You to send the Holy Spirit into my life, to fill me and take control, and to help me become the kind of person You want me to be. Thank You Father for loving me, forgiving my sins, and for giving me everlasting life, in Jesus name, Amen.”

  • Em says:

    Mother Nature played a cruel trick on us. She made men hit their sexual peak in their teens when most young girls are not ready emotionally for sexual adventure, and she made women hit their sexual peak in their 40s when men’s sexual drive is rapidly decreasing. To add insult to injury, she made it so that the one thing that re-energizes an aging mans sex drive is an attractive young woman who is not his wife (read up on the Coolidge effect). Marriage and evolution don’t mix. How can we overcome these biological mismatches and have what most of us want, which is a loving emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship with the one person we love deeply?

  • Em says:

    How many of these men suffer from the virgin-whore complex, where sex is reserved for “bad” women and marriage for “good” girls. They may try to break out of it but once the marriage gets comfortable they cannot get sexually excited by their wives — but ironically they may still be watching porn or cheating. This dichotomy was extremely common among men in generation’s passed but it still exists among some men today. What do you all think about this idea Dave and Donalyn and what should a woman married to such a man do?

  • Chris says:

    anne mcarthur….sorry to hear you are struggling….the bible is clear in 1 corinthians 7, that a spouse should not withhold their sexual duties to their mate. unless your husband can explain why he wont do that, then you have the right to take certain steps that he would reconsider his thinking but above all, its important to let jesus lead us in our lives when we arent sure what to do. if you dont know jesus as your personal lord and savior, you can log onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or click talk to a mentor above. as far as some options on your end you could pray about working with him about this as you bathe both him and the situation in prayer or distance yourself from him and see how he reacts. if nothing works and you feel inclined to you could either seperate within the house or seperate outside of the house. those are other possible options you can be praying about as you give the situation to christ for his remedy to come to you. praying for jesus peace for you now and for changes in your husband towards jesus also, bye for now!

  • Anne McArthur says:

    My husband & I have been together for 19 years, married for 15. We have not had intimacy in 12 years. His reply is I am not interested. End of discussion, just not interested !!!

  • Aldo says:

    Mike, have you been to Christian counseling? They look at marriage problems a bit different than Non-Christian counselors. And, possibly your wife will consent to go to a Christian counselor. It seems a shame that after 33 years together you cannot resolve your problems. Maybe a different slant of counseling will shed a more agreeable light on your situation.

  • Mike Steele says:

    My situation is not all that different than some. Married for 33 years. About a year or so after the marriage, SHE decided we were not having any more oral sex. Then over time SHE decided some things were just not to her liking, the frequency, then the positions, then the time of day etc. I struggled with this for years. Not having a voice in such an important part of my life was very frustrating. That leads to anger and then resentment. I have been to counseling (she refuses) and it was eye opening for me.

    I will no longer allow anyone to cause me that much angst in my life. It was never her creating it, it was me allowing it, and that is over friends. Don’t want sex, that’s okay, I have some other things I can do. Don’t want to talk about it? Okay by me. Don’t want to talk about not talking about it? Cool, pass the remote. But I will no longer initiate. Ever.

    No sex is preferable to pity sex or duty sex. No sex at all is preferable to her just lying there, eyes closed, lifeless. We hold hands, we cuddle often, lay in each others arms, dance, laugh, etc, but no intimacy. That is out for me. I find her attractive as a person, but I am not in lust with her. I no longer desire her. By dictating and changing the rules without so much as a by-your-leave she has just stomped my ego and confidence for the last time. You can only say “no” so many times, you can only come up with just so many lame ass excuses before even the dumbest of us figure out that you are not interested.

    I will share this one with you; the guys will love this one. I was in the process of getting into better shape, better overall health and a better frame of mind – for me mind you, not for her. I had lost a little over 100lbs. Now she says I am too skinny. My bones actually hurt during sex. She could have said anything else and I would have been fine with it. But I was not ready for that one. Too skinny? What kind of BS is that? I just stood there, speechless. It was like seeing a pitch in baseball that you could not even swing at. That was the day, the very moment I knew it was over.

  • Elkay says:

    Mel, I am very sorry that you find yourself in this situation, in particular because of the negative impact on your self-esteem and long-term implications for your marriage. This article has some very good information in particular urging you to lovingly, but openly and honestly talking with your husband to let him know what you are feeling and to ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest.

    If your husband has any issues with erectile dysfunction, he will confidence in his ability to perform, and avoid physical intimacy. As the article mentions, low testosterone can also be a factor as well as drug use. These possibilities are treatable, starting with a doctor’s appointment.

    From a practical advice standpoint, print the article and ask your husband to sit with you and read it together, paying attention to the warning in 1 Cor 7 about depriving one another. After that, depending on the outcome, you may also want to consider a Christian marriage counselor or corresponding about this problem in confidence with one of our mentors by hitting the Talk to a Mentor button at the top of the page. We can also pray,

    Heavenly Father, nothing is impossible for You and so we come to Your throne of grace to find mercy and help in times of trouble. Marriage as a sacred institution You created for the welfare and happiness of mankind in which man and woman become one in Your eyes, reflect Your image and worship You. Mel and her husband need Your presence in their marriage to bring love and joy into their marriage.

    Please help Mel’s husband know that marriage is a decision to be committed to Mel no matter what, and from that commitment, unselfish love can flow between them as they receive Your love. Help Mel’s husband desire the love and pleasure they can share. We ask this for them in the powerful name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, our Redeemer and Lord. Amen.

  • mel says:

    My husband and I have been married a year and a half his sex drive is non existent. Its now once every couple of months. He shows no signs of this bothering him and we only have that occasional encounter if I have a temper tantrum so to speak. What can I do, he knows that it could be testosterone or another physical aliment and has been for regular check ups but does not bother seeking help for this issue. He is 47 I am 45. Any advice appreciated.

  • Aldo says:

    An,I would direct you to the paragraphs of the article above in which Donalyn and Dave give excellent advice as to how to deal with your situation. They say,

    Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.

    Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.

    An, try doing that and see if it helps. Also, you and your spouse may need to talk to a marriage counselor.

  • An says:

    Hi my husband always lack of sexual life with me.Sometimes i feel bad of my self,and thinking maybe I’m not good enough.We only have sex once in a blue moon.Means once a month sometimes nothing.His 50yrs. old.

  • Elkay says:

    Tim, as the article above suggests, the “problem” can be in testosterone levels and/or drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, but such physical factors are treatable. I hope you have candidly and calmly discussed this with your wife and asked her to understand and help you with what is hopefully a temporary problem. As a next step, please make an appointment with your Primary Care Physician and review all possible factors and solutions.

    You say that you “love your wife my wife more than anything in the world” so lets put this in perspective: as Jesus showed us at Gethsemane and Golgotha, love means self-sacrifice and placing another’s well-being far, far above your own. I do not enjoy scrubbing the shower floor one little bit, but I do it because I love my wife. That may a trite example but the point is that you love your wife by sexually attending to her needs even if this means you employ sex-aids available from Amazon.

    And probably a better forum for discussing your situation is in private with one of our confidential mentors who will respond to you by email if you will hit the “Talk to a Mentor” button at the top and briefly describe this problem. Please let us hear from you.

  • Tim says:

    I am a 48 yer old male and need help. My wife is the same age but is extremely frustrated with my lack of interest in her sexualy. I have had a number of bouts of clinical depression and am on medication which I am sure contributes to my problem. I love my wife my wife more than anything in the world but this problem is becoming dangerous as my wife has needs that need to be fullfilled. I have just sent for a testosterone blood test, but would be grateful to learn about anything else I can do to solve my problem. Thanks

  • Aldo says:

    Marie, your situation is like that of so many others who are battling the same problem. But, unknown to so many is the secret that marriage, which is ordained by God, should have been approved by God.

    There is an old saying about marriage is made in heaven, but has to be lived out on earth. Was your marriage made in heaven? Did you even take the time to ask God to send you the right life partner for you?

    Maybe you do not even have a relationship with God through accepting and receiving His Son Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord. If that is the case it is not to late to do so. Here is a suggested prayer you can say from your heart, and mean it. Remember, God knows your heart and is not as concerned with your words as He is with your intent.

    “Dear God, I admit I am a sinner and need Your forgiveness; I believe that Jesus Christ, Your Son, died in my place, paying the penalty for my sins on Calvary‘s cross. I am willing right now to turn from my disbelief, and accept Him as my personal Savior and Lord. I commit myself to You, and ask You to send the Holy Spirit into my life, to fill, guide, and empower me, and to help me become the kind of person You want me to be. Thank You Father for loving me, forgiving my sins, and for giving me everlasting life, in Jesus name, Amen.”

  • MARIE says:

    I struggle with feeling like I am not the type woman my husband is use to since before me he had an infamous list of all the girls he slept with and there were upward 50 to 100. Maybe I’m just not the kind of girl he likes bc since we got married he has stopped wanting sex at all. if I bitch for weeks he will give in to shut me up then I think maybe he will do it again the next night but all I et from him is hes tired and wants to go to bed. he told me he is not interested in sex. he was before I got preg and we got married but usually it was with other women. he says he loves e but if a husband doesn’t want his wife something is up. if I get it it will be weeks apart only once. when I try for 2 nights in a row he gets mad and says hes tired and needs to rest from the night before. hell its one time in literally weeks how can you be tired!!!===============================================================\\\===========

  • Aldo says:

    For those of you who find it hard to talk to anyone about this problem, please be aware that you can click the Talk to a mentor button at the top right of this page. A mentor will be happy to listen, discuss, and suggest ways to help.

  • Mary Carol says:

    Julie, I can really feel your pain and the pain all of us suffer. It is also difficult because many of us can’t talk to anyone about this. My sisters even do not want to talk about this. This site and therapy are the only places I can talk about this.

  • Mary Carol says:

    For me alone, I agree with D.P. Boesen that there is nothing we can do. After 18 years of no intimacy and also having been told that for two years while we were intimate he really didn’t want this intimacy! Sometimes I can put my feelings on the back burner but many times I feel incredible sadness and confusion on what to do now and regret about the past.

  • Julie says:

    Hi to Mary Carol and D.P. Boesen; and many others to this site:
    I wrote in the comments on Oct.3/15 above if you are interested in response to some of the syptoms of pain that are spoken of. I am a Christian woman, was married 30 yrs. and husband left almost a year ago. The entire marriage had aspects I could not understand until I came across information that validated all that I felt amiss – that took 15 yrs. He left, came back, only to emotionally abuse me again to feeling like dying inside and left me again… I found a link on this site that may help others to get more understanding of what some symptoms are of sex addition which does not have to do with sex of the partner, rather to the images/fantacy and much hidden,deception and betrayal. When its repeated over and over for a long period of time, the crisis we feel becomes trauma repeated, and retraumatized for each new crisis of relationship. Its truly an intimacy disorder, and it affects more men, but women can also have the sex addiction. Read the article, and look on Amazon for helpful books/resources. Love yourself to educate self on this growing terrible addiction that is rampant among different age groups and affecting a lot of the ones in their 20’s with the accessibility to porn. When on the page,to the right click on either marriage, or sex and romance; then view the center row under the heading Videos…click on Nov. 21, 2011 Effects of Porn on Marriage; now scroll under the video box and click on “Related: Read Maureen’s Story about her husband’s porn addiction”. Once you’ve click on that, you’ve arrived at the “Issues I Face” page and Maureen’s story is titled Hardcore Betrayal…it reasonated with me and hope it will help lead you to reflection and resolution to seek God’s direction for the particular information that will heal your Spirit and bring you hope for yourself, with self respect, and learning to love and protect your heart with crucial boundaries to keep you from further harm as you get tools to realize what you are dealing with, and direction with Hope, first for yourself, and then for your relationship. I listed in previous email 3 books that have helped me this past year. When speaking with a counselor they must have training in sex addiction therapy to be of any help… this is not ordinary marriage issues. Help is becoming known for Canadians finally, with Sex Addiction Therapists for the Addict and the partner, separately, as it occurred in most cases long before they met you. You didn’t create it, can’t control it, nor can you cure it. Only the Addicted one can with much effort. Live with relief of what you are dealing with and know where to get help. Dig for it, as one digs for treasure! You will begin to find yourself and God in the midst of this huge trial. Thinking & praying for Ones Carrying this burden.

  • D.P.Boesen says:

    I feel like Mary Carol up here; sort of similar situation which sometimes leave me so lonely and miserable because of lack of intimacy in our marriage. This is a very lonely road for a woman to be on and nobody can help you; its your battle; prayed a lot about the situation.

  • Chris.a says:

    Just a quick remark. As a male dealing with this currently… trust me when i say its not my wifes fault. She is a model in my eyes and i love her. In my case, stress both work and other problems have put my ego or mood in a situation that has no desire to be intimate. And laying in bed next to her as she gets irritated or sad really hurts. The 1 thing that we might be able tocontroll has failes us as well. I still have not found the solution to my work problems so im still stuck in my dry mood. But i have foubd that talking to her helps her understand that its really not her. Its just me. Well thats my 2 cents. Wish me luck in overcoming my pwrsonal problems so my sex life gets back on track.

  • Chris says:

    mary carol…. i regret to hear of your struggles. its true that 1 corinthians 7 does expect that each marriage partner does render to the other the due act of sexual intimacy so as you pray about this, jesus will show you what your options are if your husband refuses to do his part. its true that with age the sexual desire can diminish but your husband could be taking some type of natural supplement to help his situation if that is the case. praying jesus lead you in this situation and show you what is his righteousness for you. he will always defend you in a just cause! luke 18, lamentations 3

  • Mary Carol —

    It’s normal to feel angry when you are being cheated out of the sex and intimacy you signed up for in your marriage. Anger is a good tool for knowing when your boundaries are being crossed, but it’s not an effective tool at making the changes you need to make.

    Start ruling out reasons for his lack of interest in intimacy. The ones I see most often are low testosterone and porn use. Rule those in or out first and then go from there.

    A blood test will rule out low testosterone, and asking for transparency with his devices can help reveal any porn use that may be happening.

    I’ve been where you are and I know how painful it is when your husband doesn’t want you. It really is possible to make changes.

    Best of luck to you.

  • Mary Carol says:

    My faith has been very shaken by the lack of intimacy in my 35 year marriage. My husband has no interest at all. We haven’t been physically intimate in 18 years. I am still very sad and at times angry and tempted to seek intimacy elsewhere. I do not believe that anything anyone writes could change the way I feel.

  • Elkay says:

    Sarah, it certainly is a blessing to have a providing husband that you are able to take trips together. Since all was “perfect” for your first year and it apparently changed at year two, there has to be something that is different. As the article above says, “there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem.”

    I know you said he does not want to talk, but tell him you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Approach it as a team.

    Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy, emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.

    If you can show him that you love him unconditionally, permanently, and loyally, prayerfully over time, he will respond in kind. Marriage best works when unselfish loves flows to and from one another as we receive God’s love for us.

    Prayerfully then, “Majestic and Heavenly Father, You placed the stars in the heavens and laid the foundation of this earth. Nothing is impossible for You and so we come to Your throne of grace to find mercy and help in our times of trouble. Lord, You created marriage as a sacred institution so that man and woman could bind together, become one in Your eyes, reflect Your image and worship You. Please help Sarah and her husband know that marriage is a decision to be committed to one another no matter what, and out of that commitment, help her husband be openly receptive to her efforts to restore intimacy between them. Whatever the issue, Lord, please identify it and resolve it in grace. We ask for this in the powerful name of Jesus. Amen.”

  • Sarah says:

    We being married for 3 years.on the first year everything was perfect.But now we haven’t had sex in 2 years.when I ask him he is saying he doesn’t know the reason.he is a good husband provide every needs.we are going trips.sometimes we are staying at the hotels.but nothing .he doesn’t even kiss me.he doesn’t even want to talk about it. Any advice?

  • Aldo says:

    Rebecca, thank you for sharing that bit of important information. I pray that it reach many of those who need to know it.

  • If your husband has stopped wanting sex, have him check his testosterone levels. Testosterone is one of the biggest drivers of libido, and when it goes south, so does sex drive.

    When my husband stopped wanting sex with me, I was convinced that it was my fault and I turned myself inside out to fix the problem.

    After a lot of tears and angst, it turned out that it was just that his testosterone levels had gone down. All of that grief for nothing!

    Low testosterone is a lot more common than most people realize, and it’s easy enough to check testosterone levels. You can go to any walk-in lab, often without even needing a doctor’s orders, and for around $50, you can have your answer.

    Once my husband restored his testosterone levels, we got back the sex life and intimacy we used to have. We’ve never been closer than we are now.

  • Charley says:

    Call the helpline your life if important.

  • Aldo says:

    Julie, thank you for all the research you have done, and for all the information you have shared with those on this Blog site. I’m sure that many will be helped if they search out that which you have made available.

    May the Lord continue to use you mightily as you reach out to those that are hurting from sexual addiction.

  • Julie says:

    I am saddened by every woman’s comments and also Bryan’s, on the distress in our marriages. I am also disappointed that there is little info. being said about Sex Addiction and the christian resources, as well as videos that can be extremely helpful to bringing validation to our souls! I have been married for 30 years this past May but separated now – my husband left me for the 2nd time on Family Day – Feb. 16th, 2015(1st time was 15 yrs. ago for almost 2 years). I only knew my husband for 9 months when we got married,we saved selves for marriage and the sexual rejection, abandonment and betrayals began on the 2nd day of a 3 day honeymoon. My christian faith kept me loyal, committed and also a rescuer/fixer as I was the only one working on relationship and giving love w/very minimal return. In 30 yrs. he initiated less than 10x. Many counsellors, but he never followed through for long; shame was involved in his perceptions of self,but the secretive life and much lying was compounded, then he began raging for last 3 yrs. as I was healing in value for myself & had counselling for myself for several yrs. His anger was accelerated and I felt I was dying inside,but still committed. When he left I finally went to a women’s shelter and other resources and have much better clarity. I was told I was profoundly neglected for the entire 30yrs.,had poor
    boundaries,& was typical battered woman – it is emotional abuse; the comments from all the wounded people are real & match symptoms of sex addiction that spouse has (women can have this too, and it’s growing apparently. My exp. has been – husband is sexual anorexic cycles…withholding all affection,masterbation,shame,shutdown…then again. Periods of shutdown to me were 2 months and up to 2yrs.of rejection. This is empowerment of control by spouse,and there’s much in books to feel understood amongst the crazy-making they can inflict onto spouse. I found out good info.15 years ago when he left 1st time – from Douglas Weiss-The Final Freedom(Pioneering Sexual Addiction Recovery)by Douglas Weiss (a Christian man);Out of the Shadows and another – Sexual Anorexia-by Patrick J.Carnes Ph.D. He was a pioneer to putting a name to what no one seemed to understand in the 1980’s. One I am reading now by Patrick Carnes is “The Betrayal Bond” which is extremely helpful to uncover where other betrayals have been in one’s life, and breaking free from exploitive relationships.

    There is usually some level of molestation or trauma, or eyes opened to porn @ too young of age that can be in the person’s younger years. PORN’S effects of over-stimulation& masterbation becomes an addiction,whereby the person eventually is unable to perform with real people intimacy; rather it is only the fantacy/masterbation that suffices,thereby canceling normal intimacy patterns in healthy ways. There is much hidden, including anger,&hard to know who the partner really is. I am in a valuable closed grp. of women for a 12 week class of healing for us as Partners of those sexually addicted…sexual addiction is really not to do with sex – rather the witholding/withdrawing of intimacy and affection. It’s a serious,intimacy disorder. Please be informed,seek validation, in order to heal. It is still widely misunderstood
    & I am hoping that this blog and mentors will benefit from up to date info that can be passed on…I needed these resources of knowledge 30yrs ago, so I’m passing it on -read,learn,grow,heal! If you live near Calgary – there is a group after Christmas you may join. Other helpful books are:
    Overcoming Passive-Agression (How to stop hidden anger from spoiling your relationships&Happiness – Tim Murphy,PHD and Loriann Hoff Oberlin.
    An Affair of the Mind (One woman’s courageous battle to salvage her family from the devastation of pornography) – Laurie Hall
    3 books used for Closed Group, Calgary: Intimate Treason(Healing the trauma for partners confronting sex addiction – Claudia Black,PhD,
    Cara Tripodi, LCSW. Stop Sex Addiction(Real hope, true freedom for sex addicts & partners – Milton S. Magness. Your Sexually Addicted Spouse (How partners can cope & heal) – Barbara Steffens, PhD,LPCC and Marsha Means, MA.

    Finally W5, a Canadian Program had a 30 minute segment (Oct.3/15)on The devastation of Porn in our society-spoke to 12yr.boy & one man (Gabe in his 20’s)on the effects of hard-core porn on the brain (overloads brain with Dopamine)&how young men are exposed by porn’s agenda how to see young women – using violence & degration as a norm to young minds. I will try to get links for those interested in healing and true transformation – it is certainly helping my life, and the sense of God’s direction – restoration & beauty for ashes. May we know the richness of the Savior’s Love for his Beloved! He desires and delights in us, and will NEVER leave us! Amen.

  • Chris says:

    bryan…sorry to hear you are struggling…its so true that mens and womens differences within the marriage can cause difficulties for both parties so many times. being that we are so different, God must have something special in mind to put together two so very opposite types of people. i believe if we read the bible we can see how God wants to teach the husband how to love his wife unconditionally even as jesus does his church. at the same time, 1 corinthians 7 shows that the sexual unión is important also to maintain active in marriage. my suggestion would be for you to first of all, give your heart and life to jesus christ who made you and designed marriage for you so you can understand what his personal plan for you really is. you can find out how to start your own personal and saving relationship with christ by logging onto knowingjesuspersonally.com or by clicking talk to a mentor above. my prayer for you is that you see beyond your marriage circumstances to what it is jesus is trying to convey and teach you. blessings!!

  • Bryan says:

    Please excuse all grammar and punctuality errors from my recent post As I am writing this from my smartphone

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