Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!
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So often I hear about how much men need sex, but my husband has no interest in sex. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my husband want me?
Donalyn: Well first of all, there is nothing wrong with you! The first response of most women in your situation is to second-guess or blame themselves. While your husband’s lack of desire is certainly a problem, it is most likely not a problem with you. In fact, most sexual problems aren’t sexual at all.
Dave: That is right Donalyn. We sometimes have the idea that for men, the sexual experience is detached from what is going on inside. In reality, a man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desire. If he feels emotionally distant from his wife, and especially if he feels like a failure in any way, it can lead to a lack of confidence and therefore a lack of interest in sex. For a man, sexual performance is very much tied to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself it will definitely show up in his approach to sexual intimacy with his wife.
Donalyn: As women, we know that our sexual appetite is diminished when we do not feel connected to our husbands, or if there is unresolved anger between us. But we forget that our husband’s sex drive can also suffer for these same reasons. Likewise, if a man is overworked or under a lot of stress, whether inside or outside the home, sexual interest may start to take a back seat.
What does God have to do with love?
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.
Dave: Of course, there are all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here too. If your husband has had any struggles with erectile dysfunction, that is likely a huge contributing factor. If he is feeling any lack of confidence in his ability to perform, he will almost certainly shy away from physical intimacy. Libido is also significantly impacted by testosterone levels, so if your husband has low testosterone, that could be the cause. Drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, may hinder the sexual desire. The good news is that many of the physical factors are very treatable, so it may be time for your husband to have a doctor’s appointment to get some help with this.
Donalyn: Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which are not so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person’s involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities. That is becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the Internet.
Dave: It is true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it’s a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.
Donalyn: So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he is just getting those needs met elsewhere.
Dave: Exactly. And it is not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a variety of fantasy sources, combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping women out and fantasizing about them later. Others give into their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be “neuter” for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there does not seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.
Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.
Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.
Donalyn: I would ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest. Ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Maybe he knows exactly what the problem is, or perhaps you will have to work through it together to discover what lies at the root. The best thing you can do is approach it as a team. He cannot be made to feel like this is all his problem to solve on his own. He needs to know that you are on the same side. So share with him your needs and your desires – how you would like things to be. Then work together to get there.
Dave: That is right. Support him throughout the process as he works through his fears and insecurity. Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.
Donalyn: Right. But that is tough to do if you discover that pornography or other illegitimate behaviors are part of the picture.
Dave: Yes, that is very true. But if you do suspect that this is a factor, you are going to ask him the tough questions about where he is having his sexual needs met. And as hard as it will be, if your husband has the courage to open up with you and share his struggles in this area, he will need your support. These issues can be worked through and overcome, but not without a great deal of patience and understanding.
Donalyn: It is also important to find out if there is anything that you have been doing to contribute to the problem. Not that it ever excuses wrong behavior on his part, but you need to know if you have said or done anything to turn him away from you. It may be that you have a critical spirit, that you have been controlling him or cutting him down, or that you are making him feel less of a man. If so, these are behaviors that you can take responsibility for and begin to change, in order to improve the situation between you.
Dave: Absolutely. If a man is feeling constantly criticized or dominated, it creates big damage to his self-worth, and that filters down to his sexual interest. So find out what issues may be coming between you and take positive steps to resolve them. You might even read some marriage and sexuality resources to help you through this process. Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman and Staying Close, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey are good places to start.
Donalyn: Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.
Dave: Keep in mind 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”
While I would not necessarily recommend preaching at your husband, every couple needs to remember that depriving or denying each other increases the temptation to have sexual needs met elsewhere. Again, it never legitimizes it. But a wise person will work to keep their spouse satisfied within the marriage.
Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Does your sex life need help? Find out why men can have a low sex drive.
Learn more about intimacy anorexia
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I am going through this now! 31 yrs old , married to a 32 he old who is not interested in sex. I’m freaking out.
Hi Veronica, you are right; those are pretty hurtful things to say. I know that with emotional subjects like this it can be difficult to communicate effectively but the more you both are willing to take the risks and put in the effort to truly understand one another in this area it will open up a whole new level of connection and intimacy in your marriage. Many couples have found that meeting with a marriage counselor has helped them gain the tools they need to be able to better talk through issues like this and discover a whole new understanding of one another. I think presenting the idea like that to your husband will help him open up to the possibility. You probably both can agree that your conversations about sex have not gone well and suggest that a counsellor can help you figure out a better way to talk about this and truly understand why you are the way you are and how to work together as a team to meet each others needs.
You also need to have patience and be willing to try different ways of dealing with the issue. Your love and commitment to each other deserves everything you can do to figure out how to make this work in your marriage. You need to be creative in the way you communicate. Keep in mind your goal is not to communicate in a way that makes sense to you but in the way that helps your husband understand you. And his goal should be to listen in such a way that lets you know that he has heard and understands your needs. That takes time but the rewards are more than worth the investment.
Hi Kim, how have your conversations gone when the two of you talk about intimacy and love making in your marriage? What expectations does he communicate about your sexual interaction together?
I’ve been married for 5 years now. We had and amazing sex life before, but since day one after signing the papers it seems that everything changed. He gardually lost his interest and what have we got now? Nothing. He is always unhappy and complaining about his career and his job. I understand him and try to be as supportive as I can, but he seems to have completely lost the will to make love. We’ve had some conversations about it, but they were no good, we ended up fighting and being angry at each other. He even suggested me to “masturbate more often” so my own desire would calm down and I wouldn’t feel the need to come to him! And the worst part: “men who keep their wives saciated ALWAYS cheat on them. I won’t cheat on you. That’s why we don’t have sex”. I was so disappointed to hear such things.
Last time he said he would make an effort to be more involved and all, but nothing has happened yet. It’s been five months since our last intercourse – and it was nothing impressive, by the way. I think it’s such a waste, we’re young and healthy. I don’t think he has any medical condition. And I’m 100% positive he doesn’t look up to porn or other resources to fulfill some kind of desire. I guess he just does not have any at all.
I feel very frustrated as a woman and a failure as his wife. I’m very depressed and don’t know what’s going to happen, how long will I put up with this. I love him very much and I know he loves me too. I just wish we had a “normal” sex life like any other couple :(
Thanks for reading, I had to get this out of my chest.
I think sex before marriage has a lot to do with diminished sexual desire. Before I got married I was wanted every time we got together. Then marriage happened and I would be lucky to get it twice per month but only close to that time of the month when every man on earth is attracted to me. Exaggeration.I think men smell the extra pheromones. He is almost 40 and I’m 36 I met him late in life. But it did say in the word no sex before marriage. I have been in the church since I was seventeen but sexual ever since I was eight years old. By the way he is the only man in my adult life I’ve ever had two become one with.
Hi Amy,
My heart goes out to you. What you have been through and are going through is incredibly, incredibly difficult. Did you have a chance to scroll back through any of the previous posts? There was a woman named Ann who posted here, with similar heartbreak, and then received a reply from Claire Colvin. I am re-posted Claire’s message, hopefully to encourage you.
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Here is Claire’s message from October 25, 2011 at 5:10 pm:
Oh Anna, I am so sorry to read this. My heart hurts for you. I’ve been sitting here trying to think of what to say and I am truly not sure. I cannot give you back the years that you have suffered alone. But as I type this I’m reminded of a verse in the book of Joel (2:25 to be precise) where God is speaking and he says, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten”. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a field after locust have passed by, but there’s basically nothing left. They eat everything down to the stub. If you feel like that, like you’re left holding just the stub of your life, know that God can and will redeem that. Your story is not over yet. There is more to come.
I imagine that you must feel very alone. Is there somewhere where you can get some community? Are you part of church or a small group? Do you volunteer? Is there a place where you are wanted and needed and useful? I know that it won’t replace what you are missing, but it might help you to bear it. A friend of mine says that everyone needs a place away from home that feels like home. Do you have somewhere like that? I know that you have not been able to have children of your own, is there a place where you can be in the lives of children? Does your city have a reading program in their elementary schools? They are often looking for people to come and read with the kids. Are you into sports? Is there a league that could use help? There are people who need you, people who’s faces will light up when they see you coming, people who are glad you’re here. You need to find them. Think about what it is that you love best and find the other people who are doing that.
it was cruel of your husband to tell you that he doesn’t know why you got married. The truth of it is that he may have forgotten, but there was a time when he chose you, a time when you chose each other. No one held a gun to his head and forced the marriage vows from his lips. He may not know now, but he did know once. He didn’t just wake up one morning married. He chose. There are responsibilities inherent in getting married. Companionship in general and sex to be specific are totally normal and healthy and usual expectations. As much as you can, refuse to accept his suggestion that this is your fault. It may be partially your fault, but very very rarely in marriage is a situation entirely one partner’s doing.
It breaks my heart to hear you say that you wasted your life. Your life is not over. So what do you differently, now today, to make sure that tomorrow is not wasted? You are not a prude for wanting to have sex with your husband. You are not someone to be shut away. The world needs you. You mentioned that your husband is a very lonely person. Has he dragged you into his loneliness as well? Do you stay home because he won’t come with you? Try going out anyway – not out on a date – but out with friends, out to the park or the theatre, or out to dinner. Do you have a pet? A dog might help. Again, it’s not going to replace a husband, but it can be very therapeutic to have something that enjoys your touch, something that comes to you rather than turning away. Did you know that cats and dogs have been shown to reduce blood pressure? Also, a dog in particular will get you out of the house and into the neighbour for walks everyday. It will get you to the park where you’ll meet other dog people. There are puppies and older dogs in humane societies across the country looking for homes right now. If things are stressful at home, an older dog might be a really good choice because he or she would already been trained and would likely bother your husband less. Something to consider.
I’ve never met a person yet who was genuinely un-interesting. I highly doubt that you are the first. I think your husband is wrong. I think he’s saying these things to blame you so that you’ll back off and stop mentioning it. It’s a weapon, shame, a powerful one. Refuse to believe it. Ask him if there is something non sexual that he would like to do together. See if he has an interest you can join him in. I know it’s hard to be the one to do the work when you’re also the one who has been wronged, but take action. He’ll never see it coming :)
I don’t know if you believe in prayer, but I do, so this is what I prayed for you today:
Dear God,
I pray that you would be with Anna today. I hear the hurt and the loneliness in her words and it makes my heart sad. I pray that you would be very close to her and comfort her. She must feel so alone, remind her that she is yours. Remind her of how much you love her. Help her to find a place where she fits in. If a dog could help I pray that you would provide exactly the right one. If there’s somewhere she can get involved, show it to her. I pray for her husband, that you would soften his heart just as you softened the heart of a Pharaoh all those years ago (but without the plagues please!). I pray that you would remind him of why he married his wife, and stir up the cold embers where love used to burn bright. Restore them to each other Father. What you have joined together let no man, not even her husband, put asunder. Thank you for loving Anna more than she can understand. Amen.
We have been married 45 years and my husband and I only had sex, intimacy or any kind of touching and holding one time that was on our wedding night. I know I should of turn tail and ran, I thought things would change. We stayed married for some reason I can’t logicley say what my reasoning is or was. I wish I could find a reason why after our wedding night his whole attitude toward me changed. He said sex with me was disgusting, not worth the effort, messy, smelly, pointless, meaningless, and some thing he couldn’t understand. Why any one would want to do some thing so horrible to another human. So he moved to the basement and worked the midnight shift for over 45 years just to be away from me. I’m never to bother or talk to him, he totally checked out. The only thing that makes sense is he saw or was involved in some kind of trama. I don’t care any more about sex or me, my husband or life in general. I hate all men and myself for my life, it can’t end soon enough.
Hi Karen,
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At the moment, I want to pray for you:
Dear Father, God of heaven and earth, thank You for Karen. Thank You for her desire to seek help and for her honesty and vulnerability. Bless her as she seeks answers to some of life’s really tough questions. Bless her as she makes choices now that will affect her own life, her fiance’s life and her daughter’s life forever. Give her wisdom, give her sensitivity to what You are saying, where You are leading and which doors You are opening or keeping closed for her good and protection. Dear Lord Jesus, show Karen how much she means to You, how You have done everything for her, including dying for her and going to hell and back for her. Help her at this time to grow closer to You, to get to know You better and to trust You more. Increase her faith, which seems so impossible and crazy because of her circumstances, but show her that You can help her walk on water, even when the storm is really, really bad. In Jesus’ holy name I pray. Amen.
Karen, you are right about a lot of things. Alcoholism is serious and debilitating, even if the person drinking does not admit it or realize it. Watching pornography is also extremely damaging. As you said, there is no comparison between pornography and real life — because there is no intimacy in pornography, whereas real sex involves incredible intimacy with the person to whom you give yourself in commitment. In that way I would say pornography is not even sex, it is just pure fraud, it is anti-sex.
I also see from what you mentioned that your fiance is coping with some things and is probably being honest that they are affecting him – like the news about his dad’s health, his job and your snooping. Would you consider asking for his forgiveness? Do not make any excuse, just say it was plain wrong and you know it. Also, maybe offer to start some kind of accountability of your own? Like putting a calendar up and then checking everyday off that you did not snoop. For myself, I might also put up an accountability calendar about credit card spending, or other things that I know upset my husband. The whole idea is to show that you’re willing to change your own behaviour and to admit when you’re wrong. If I did this, I would not set it up as a competition and I would make it clear that I am not looking for a reward, nor expecting a reward. I am just willing to be held accountable and to ask for forgiveness when I make a wrong choice.
I don’t know the effect it might have, but at least you would be clearing the slate. It would clear the air for honest confessions and forgiveness to be exchanged – even if it feels like you’re the only one confessing or asking forgiveness at first. Initially there might be no positive response from your fiance at all, but over time it could help to rebuild trust and it might show your fiance your respect. As a man knows he is respected, he often becomes more motivated to win his woman’s love.
The relationship you have with your fiance is precious, because he is precious. Perhaps you would consider praying to see your fiance as God sees him? Perhaps think of your fiance as a 7 or 8-year-old boy – what were his hopes and dreams? What hurt him or made him give up his dreams along the way? Trust me, no little boy dreams of spending his life disappointing his fiance and daughter. He wants to be a hero, to be worthy of your respect, to cherish you as he knows a woman should be cherished, to care for you… but something is blocking him. Pray for him to be released, for him to be set free, for his heart to be healed, for his wrong choices to be redeemed. There is a book called “The Power of Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian, and it might be helpful in learning to pray for him.
I will continue to pray for you too!
Blessings,
Kate
Hi Barbara,
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It sounds like maybe you and your husband are going through a stage that most (if not all) couples go through – namely “I think I married the wrong person” stage. Rest assured, we are all incompatible – not because we are not meant to be married, but because we are all sinful. By sinful I mean we do the things we promised never to do, and don’t do the things we did promise to do, and we don’t trust God that He really knows what is best for us. Does this make sense for you?
When it comes to intimacy in marriage, often the problem is deeper than we imagine – not just physical or logistical, but deeply emotional. Most of us are carrying wounds from the past that we’ve never let God heal and redeem. Also, most of us come to marriage with high expectations, but very few real mechanisms for getting to know our partner and their needs. What makes you think your husband is comparing you to someone or everyone else? Also, do you think you ever compare your husband to someone else? If you looked at your husband and yourself, and tried to see the way God sees you – what would you see?
Right now it seems to me you are in a time of your marriage that is full of possibility. If you can work through this and grow together from this difficult season, your relationship will be stronger than ever. What ideas do you have to help you grow together with your husband? Maybe counselling, maybe fun date nights, maybe you spending more time with your friends/family so you don’t feel so desperate/needy around him? There are many possibilities. I want to pray for you now:
Dear Father in heaven, You are great! You are good! You have a plan for this couple! You see their confusion about what is happening, You see the way they try to hide their pain or to hurt one another. Father, have mercy on them, help them to see one another the way You see them. Help them to help each other. Help them to put Jesus in the center of their marriage, so that they will really have a SOLID ROCK to stand on, instead of sinking in the sand. Father, bless them and keep them together, hold them together, help them to persevere together through the fire — so that they can emerge on the other side stronger and wiser. In Jesus’ powerful and precious name I pray. Amen.
Barbara – help is always only a prayer away. Something as simple as “God, help me right now” or “God, what should I (not) say? God, what should I (not) do?” And any women’s group in your local church or a counselor could really help you realize that you are never, never alone.
Many blessings,
Kate
Hi Mimi,
I can understand your emotions completely, especially when you said how his behaviour makes you so mad. I remember feeling completely furious with my husband when he was so reluctant to have sex. I also really admire your desire to save your marriage. This is a God-given desire; it honors God’s plan and design for a husband and wife to be bound together as one.
One thing you might try is thinking about how God loves you. Do you believe God loves you? Can you think of any ways you see God’s love in your life? I know it is incredibly painful and hurtful to feel so rejected by your husband, and it can be so, so tempting to want to quit and try to ‘find somebody else’ — but to what avail if the problems follow you? There is so much in this life that we cannot control; we definitely cannot wrench our husbands’ affections into place. So I find it more fruitful to ask: What can I control? I can control how I think, I can control my reactions, I can control my words, I can control taking care of myself, I can take care of my child, I can dig in deeper into my relationship with God through Jesus Christ. As I trust the Lord, I do feel my self-control, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, compassion, endurance and love increase. My circumstances don’t often miraculously transform overnight, but with time I know my heart is in a better place.
If you would like to connect with someone, click on “Talk to a mentor” at the top right of this page. You might also benefit from finding a good counselor or support group in your area. Most of us don’t realize how much we just need to be in community, connecting with people; it can bring relief.
Heavenly Father, thank You for Mimi. Thank You for her patience and endurance. Thank You for her desire to see her marriage saved and improved, and to care for her child. Bless her as she thinks about what You can help her to do and change, so that her spirits will be lifted. Father, I also pray for her husband who seems to be trapped by the chains of alcohol and pornography. Father, like all addictions, we are not ‘free’ to simply stop – please set him free. Please link him into a support group or together with a godly man who will hold him accountable – he needs Your help just as much as the rest of us. Bless Mimi’s child with health and well-being, and with the greatest gift – love! We praise You Jesus for Your unfailing love and thank You for Your mercy on this family. Amen
Keep your eyes up Mimi, look to see what God is doing and let Him teach you how to align yourself with His plan. Also, take care of yourself and your child, do not let your husband cross the line to abuse. Seek help if you feel threatened.
I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Kate
Hi Yasmeen,
How have you been doing this past week or so? If you would like to connect with a mentor, you can click “Talk to a mentor” at the top right of this page.
I think your question is a good one. You asked, “Is it possible for a man to have had so many women in his lifetime that sex just doesn’t have no importance to him?” My answer would be that God has designed us for sexual intimacy only within the confines of a committed, monogamous marriage. God has done designed us this way for our own good. Love, intimacy, connection and affection are human desires, but there are a lot of counterfeit, fraudulent ways to try to get these needs met. One of the counterfeit ways is promiscuity with many sexual partners. Unfortunately, when we choose to be promiscuous we do damage ourselves and the people we have sex with. Many of us have done it because we were trying to ignore or stamp out some earlier pain or heartbreak… only to find out that we are hurting more, and in your case, it seems your husband’s past choices are hurting you too.
The good news is that God promises forgiveness and redemption for those who confess and repent. Even when we have made many, many wrong choices, we are never ‘too far gone’ – God is able to reach us wherever we are. It is when we admit our need of Him that we see how willing and able He is to help. Have you turned to God with this?
You might be worried that if you turn to God, your husband might become even more distant from you. This is possible, but if you look at the situation plainly, you might realize that things might only get worse anyway, unless something changes. You can be the person to start the change. There is no guarantee about what your husband will do; but there is a guarantee about what God will do. As you turn to Him, He will help you. He will start to heal your heart and give you wisdom to make good choices. He will also help you to re-frame your thinking about sex, your husband and the value of marriage, even give you words, courage and sensitivity as you walk with your husband through this life.
One last thing, Yasmeen. You are already blessed. God is good and He cares; it is not as if He has been looking the other way. He knows everything about you and your husband, and He has a plan for your good.
With faith in Jesus,
Kate
I’ve been with my fiance for two years. We have a one year old girl. He’s 34 and drinks beer daily and he has since age 15. He’s always initiated sex and didn’t that much when I was pregnant cause he said it was like he may hurt the baby. During that time I found out he had watched porn and he promised not to do it again. Now it’s been like 3 months since we’ve had sex. I’ve confronted him several times and he gets defensive saying sex ain’t been on his mind. His work hours had changed from 12 hours 3 days a week to 8 hours 5 days a week and now they changed back to 12s. He said the new schedule of 8 hours had affected him and the poor news of his dad’s health too. I asked him if he was masturbating and he said no. I do snoop cause I’m insecure about this thinking he just don’t want me. I saw he looked up 4 porn stars by name and their pictures the other day. They were naked and in sexual positions. I was sickened angry and hurt. I asked him about it and he lied at first then he said he heard their names on a should show and just looked them up but didn’t masturbate. He was mad cause I was snooping. I’ve told him how hurt and rejected I feel and he says give him time to get back to normal. My mom’s husband is an alcoholic and doesn’t get erections from the alcohol and she said maybe that’s his problem but he’s only 34. I don’t know. I need help because I feel so alone and not wanted. How Dow’s anyone compare to those porn women? I need some advice because I’m close to leaving over this. I can and will be there for him if he’s telling the truth but part of me thinks it’s me and he’d rather watch porn.please email me.
I been married for 4 years now, while we were dating he wanted to, but we waited until marriage but now we are married, my husband dose not want me (I know I not a very small girl) but he should what me, he dose love me, so why? if we don’t plan it (witch can be hard to plan) we don’t do it. I have asked him, he just tells me he had low sex drive. It making me jealous of every other woman he talks to bez he never says I look pretty but tell almost every other woman she is, even my twin sister (I know he flirts my nature and do trust him) but this is starting to get me down. He also not romantic, dose not even send a little sms to say I love you (but can find the time to always ask me to do this for him. My husband was engaged before and she left him for another man, it sometime feels like he compares me to her, all woman to her. I don’t know hat to do anymore….. Please help
My husband wouldn’t have sex with me unless he drinks alcoho, but he will masturbate watching porn. I confronted him and he gets so mad and dinies it or sometimes he says that as long the bills are paid I shouldn’t complained that if I dont get sex I’m not going to die. When he says that just makes me so mad so I start telling him that I’m not going to wait until be wants me that if he can’t take care of me sexually somebodyelse will. I still doesn’t care. He tells me that I can do what ever I want to. That makes me feel that he doesn’t love me and really hurts. I know I can find somebodyelse out there. I really want to save my marriage because we have a 4 year old autistic child. But he just forgets that I’m a woman too.
Is it possible for a man to have had so many women in his lifetime that sex just doesn’t have no importance to him? I think that is what is happening to me in my marriage, my husband is now 65 and has no desire to have sex. I think is because he has has so many women that he lost his interest.
Hi Finley,
It’s not often that we get accused of being feminists, but I would argue that Jesus was a feminist – He believed in the inherent value of all people – so I take no offence in that label. You mentioned that the comments seemed one sided. If you look at the title of this page you’ll see that it’s specifically for wives whose husbands have lost interest in sex. So yes, the comments slant that way. We do have a second article for husbands whose wives have lost interest in sex. You may find that the discussion there is closer to what you’re looking for.
There definitely are cases when one spouse turns the other down so often that the initiating partner stops asking. That is a heartbreaking situation no matter which partner – wife or husband – is the one feeling rejected. It sounds like you are still carrying a lot of pain from your own marriage and I am sorry to hear that but you can’t let that pain colour the way you speak about all women worldwide. That pain does not dictate reality. I am sorry that your own marriage was not what you had hoped for. Have you ever had a chance to see a counsellor to work through these feelings? I don’t know if you hope to marry again at some point in the future, but if you did it will be hard to build a new marriage while holding on to such negative views of women in general.
Sex is always about communication first. If partners feel emotionally distant from each other he may feel that sex will solve the problem while she won’t consider sex until the problem is resolved. We talk a lot about outside stresses showing up in the bedroom and that’s true. It’s hard to hide things emotionally when you take your clothes off and in some cases a partner would prefer to avoid sex altogether than to have their feelings (or lack thereof) exposed.
Maybe you in the past said no to him so often that he just doesn’t even ask anymore. And maybe he just accepts that it will only happen when you want it. Just like my late wife. Never cared about anyone’s feelings except hers. Sounds like most of the women here are the same. All arguments about how he should be for you. Maybe if you were not such a selfish woman like the rest of them, you wouldn’t need the stupid opinions of brainless people. Try not asking feminist sided sites like this. And ask him why. Never listen to a woman about men. They are too wrapped up in feminist lies to tell the truth. I am telling the truth. No holes barred. If your husband said no every time you would leave him like the other women here would. He is not your possession, you don’t own him, and he has just as much right as you. I know that feminist people don’t think so but this the problem, women listening to other women about what makes a man tick. Ridiculous.
Angela, I am glad you have discovered that you are not alone. Thank you for sharing your pain and frustration on this site. One of the things that is very important to our husbands, and which I have learned from experience, is that they feel accepted and respected, and our anger can definitely be a block to moving forward. I had to learn to ask what I could do to add to my marriage in any area possible to make the atmosphere more inviting and less intimidating and demanding for my husband. If he felt he had to perform or be met with my anger in any aspect of the relationship, that built a wall between us. Angela, as I worked on myself and being the best help-meet that I could possibly be to my spouse, he opened up and became increasingly responsive and more willing to give himself to me in many areas of our marriage. As a result, our relationship today is far healthier than it was several years ago.
Have you tried to explain to your husband that any issues that are bothering him also affect you, Angela, as the two of you are one, and your love for him means carrying his burdens as well as sharing his joys? Do you think he would be willing to go to couple’s counselling with you to work out the issues that are coming between you? Sometimes, when there is an anger issue in a marriage, the spouse without the anger is more willing to share problems in the presence of a third party where he or she feels the spouse with the anger will be calmer. This was certainly the case in my own marriage until I was able to get my anger issues settled and learn to share my feelings and concerns with my husband without losing self-control.
Angela, it may also be helpful for you to seek help on your own to learn how to share your thoughts and feelings without losing control of your temper. I hope and pray you and your husband are able to resolve the difficulties in your marriage.
I thought I was alone in my issues with my husband…then I stumbled onto this website. I have talked and talked and talked to my husband. Only thing it gets me is sad and angry. I say things I am sorry for later. I just don’t know what his problem is. He says it is his problem, but I don’t see him doing anything about it. He used to be concerned about me having an orgasm in the beginning, but not anymore. I haven’t had an orgasm in months.
My last marriage was basically sexless due to my late husband’s medical issues which I totally understood. It is not the case here. I refuse to live without sex. Am I being too raunchy or demanding?
Somebody please help.
Hi J, have you and your fiance had an opportunity to go through some premarital counselling? It can be very helpful to have an objective person lead you through some of these conversations now and develop some healthy patterns for dealing with conflict before you are married.
@ J Push for change soon because once you’re married and you chose wrong you’ll be semi-stuck…Either he gets help, takes ED meds, goes to couseling or time to go…There’s many here who believe that love means putting up with much hardship is part of marriage and I say sure as long as the problems aren’t self-inflicted…This guy’s problem is fixable at this point…But it’s up to him if he wants to fix it or just go through the motions.
My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years, we’ve been living together for 2 and will be married in less then 8 months. We have a good thing between us, but our sex life is weak. I’m 35, he’s 33 I’m always the one initiating and trying to keep things fresh by occasionally wearing sexy outfits and making suggestions. He’s just not interested, I’m at the same weight as when we met I consider myself attractive, but now I’m doubting myself. He’s always tired or has some excuse as to why its not a good time for him. I’ve tried talking to him without being attacking and he becomes defensive. I don’t know what else to do, but I don’t want to spend my life in a sexless marriage. I asked him if its me, work something else and he basically said ” not everyone wants vanilla ice cream everyday” this really bothered me because I try so hard to be everything but boring yet he makes little effort in the bedroom and here I am still trying to save us before I enter into a marriage with zero intimacy
Man’s POV: I have a beautiful wife…Not bragging I just do but sometimes she makes me so angry due to her pessimism that I don’t want to touch her…We never go more than a few days without but I can see how the emotional problems of some can reflect to the physical.
In fact she has this thing about pinching and grabbing at me that actually makes me lose my hunger…And yes I have told her a million times to please stop…She pushes the envelope till I get mad and then BAM see above,
I’m a womanizer by nature and thoughts pop in my head…That I rather be with someone more compatible who knows how to touch me because even if our live’s are perfect bad sex can take the wind out of our sails.
When I get this way I talk to her and we usually have very good make up sex but I mean I don’t want to make it a pattern of up and downs.
I see the comments here by women and I’m tellin you…Draw a time frame for the man to fix it or better to walk away…Better to be broke but satisfied, relaxed and happy than well off but sad and horny.
If the husband has ED issues that shouldn’t stop him from satisfying her other ways…In fact that’s how I always like to start so the wifey gets off first…Happy wife = Happy life.
Many of these husbands seem to have deep anger at feeling stuck in a marriage…Hence the resenment…I know because I get that feeling sometimes but I also know that if I don’t take care of my wife then someone else will…So to the sad wives how about making a deal with the husband on doing certain things to at least get the physical out of the way while working on the emotional.
Hi Wifeface and Mar860, I talked with the lady in charge of our chatrooms and here is her suggestion:
“We do offer chats from time to time about relationships, communication (in marriage, families etc), godly living, purity etc. Each of these themes are vital for a woman who is seeking to follow Christ while in a difficult relationship. (Currently our series on Ruth is being offered on Tuesday nights, for example on our “Women Only Chatroom” – looking for the grace of God in life’s difficult, unexpected turns, responding with faith to a God who cares and is involved in the details of life.) These readers may or may not wish to make the jump into the more general discussion, yet from experience I can say that the women of our chat room have been an encouragement during some mighty difficult days as I walked through the final weeks of my marriage and beyond. If the goal were simply “the marriage,” they would not have been able to assist and encourage me in the way that they did. I praise God for what He’s done through the general chat room, even in the absence of specialized support groups focused on a single issue.”
So you are welcome to join in on the chat going on tomorrow evening at 7 p.m. PST and find the support of ladies who are talking about some of these issues in marriages. For men, there is a “Men Only Chat” every Monday evening at 6 p.m. PST.
In response to Wifeface,
I am experiencing the same thing and would like to talk. Anyway that we can exchange info.? I see that your email was hidden by the mods but I would appreciate someone to talk to!
well I’m at the point now , what do I do, do I get a devotce? Do I stay? I have already been threw the fight for life. I was feady to help the people I here to help. I here for a reason. I’m ready for my path. Iv seen life in a new way. I take look around now I don’t even now what to say to all this. One. Thing is I have always had a hard life. God will only put on me what I can stand . I have looked death in the door 10 times now , my bible says I’m suppose to stay married . How can you stay married to someone not atrated to you anymore? Point is I’m not needy rather . I own my own house, car, very independent. Raised my kids on my own.feelings like he could be gay, hurt and now iv moved to pa and rented my house and lost a lot of my thing for what I thought was love. Just another fool after being single for 11 year. You think?
I was sort of like your husband once. I was full of insecurities and basically was hoping my girlfriend would leave me because I thought she was better than me and I was wasting her time. I probably would have opened up to her about it but I was too proud I guess. If she would have approached me about it then I would have said what I was feeling. I was hoping she would leave me and after a few months I ended up leaving her and she was heart broken. I should have been more considerate. Please do talk to your husband about it. I wish you luck with your marriage, I hope everything works out. Take care!
Hi WifeFace,
I appreciate your desire to interact directly in a support group. I will bring this up with our Chatroom team and see if there may be an opportunity to create some chatroom time to this issue. I’ll let you know what I find out.
Hi All,
Found this article and the many comments quite helpful. Thanks very much for writing it and responding so well to all the questions.
I am noticing that quite a few people are in the same boat as me: Married a few years and having little or no sex. I am wondering if anyone who is experiencing the same situation would be interested in starting a support group of some kind. I’m thinking it could just be emails. Everything can be anonymous- I’ve made a gmail account for this specifically.
While having responses from Jamie, Jer etc. is super helpful for advice I think it would be great to be able to talk to one another too. I hope the moderators of this article allow me to post this.
Please send me an email if you’d like to talk: [it is our policy not to publish personal contact information]
Thanks again to the the Power to Change crew! This has made me feel much better.