Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!

Written by Dr. Dave Currie

You might feel like you’re alone in this, but you’re not. Free email mentoring is available today. Request a mentor.  Also in this series: She Doesn’t Want Sex.

So often I hear about how much men need sex, but my husband has no interest in sex. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my husband want me?

Donalyn: Well first of all, there is nothing wrong with you! The first response of most women in your situation is to second-guess or blame themselves. While your husband’s lack of desire is certainly a problem, it is most likely not a problem with you. In fact, most sexual problems aren’t sexual at all.

Dave: That is right Donalyn. We sometimes have the idea that for men, the sexual experience is detached from what is going on inside. In reality, a man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desire. If he feels emotionally distant from his wife, and especially if he feels like a failure in any way, it can lead to a lack of confidence and therefore a lack of interest in sex. For a man, sexual performance is very much tied to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself it will definitely show up in his approach to sexual intimacy with his wife.

Donalyn: As women, we know that our sexual appetite is diminished when we do not feel connected to our husbands, or if there is unresolved anger between us. But we forget that our husband’s sex drive can also suffer for these same reasons. Likewise, if a man is overworked or under a lot of stress, whether inside or outside the home, sexual interest may start to take a back seat.

Love & God
What does God have to do with love?
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.

Dave: Of course, there are all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here too. If your husband has had any struggles with erectile dysfunction, that is likely a huge contributing factor. If he is feeling any lack of confidence in his ability to perform, he will almost certainly shy away from physical intimacy. Libido is also significantly impacted by testosterone levels, so if your husband has low testosterone, that could be the cause. Drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, may hinder the sexual desire. The good news is that many of the physical factors are very treatable, so it may be time for your husband to have a doctor’s appointment to get some help with this.

Donalyn: Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which are not so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person’s involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities. That is becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the Internet.

Dave: It is true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it’s a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.

Donalyn: So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he is just getting those needs met elsewhere.

Dave: Exactly. And it is not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a variety of fantasy sources, combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping women out and fantasizing about them later. Others give into their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be “neuter” for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there does not seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.

Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.

Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.

Donalyn: I would ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest. Ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Maybe he knows exactly what the problem is, or perhaps you will have to work through it together to discover what lies at the root. The best thing you can do is approach it as a team. He cannot be made to feel like this is all his problem to solve on his own. He needs to know that you are on the same side. So share with him your needs and your desires – how you would like things to be. Then work together to get there.

Dave: That is right. Support him throughout the process as he works through his fears and insecurity. Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.

Donalyn: Right. But that is tough to do if you discover that pornography or other illegitimate behaviors are part of the picture.

Dave: Yes, that is very true. But if you do suspect that this is a factor, you are going to ask him the tough questions about where he is having his sexual needs met. And as hard as it will be, if your husband has the courage to open up with you and share his struggles in this area, he will need your support. These issues can be worked through and overcome, but not without a great deal of patience and understanding.

Donalyn: It is also important to find out if there is anything that you have been doing to contribute to the problem. Not that it ever excuses wrong behavior on his part, but you need to know if you have said or done anything to turn him away from you. It may be that you have a critical spirit, that you have been controlling him or cutting him down, or that you are making him feel less of a man. If so, these are behaviors that you can take responsibility for and begin to change, in order to improve the situation between you.

Dave: Absolutely. If a man is feeling constantly criticized or dominated, it creates big damage to his self-worth, and that filters down to his sexual interest. So find out what issues may be coming between you and take positive steps to resolve them. You might even read some marriage and sexuality resources to help you through this process. Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman and Staying Close, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey are good places to start.

Donalyn: Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.

Dave: Keep in mind 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”

While I would not necessarily recommend preaching at your husband, every couple needs to remember that depriving or denying each other increases the temptation to have sexual needs met elsewhere. Again, it never legitimizes it. But a wise person will work to keep their spouse satisfied within the marriage.

Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Does your sex life need help? Find out why men can have a low sex drive.

Learn more about intimacy anorexia

devo-interact-icon-42x42So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately so one of our confidential mentors will contact you, or make a comment below.

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1,393 Responses to “Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!”

  • ashley says:

    hi i and my husband have been married for about 4 years now and no sex the last day he had sex with me was on our honeymoon and this was four years ago i cant leave like this if ido not take care i will be pushed to cheat on him pls help me

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God.

    Lord i pray for the married couple that you will bless them and that You will bring them together as one under Your grace and love for them. In Jesus name amen

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Jana, I would say to you as well, I wish I could answer your questions but I just don’t know any easy answers. But two things I know: 1) communication with the goal to understand each other is key; 2) Jesus will guide you to know what is the best path to healing and wholeness.

    Let me pray for you: Heavenly Father, my heart breaks for Jana as she faces the hurtful words and actions of her husband. Comfort her and give her peace. I pray that she would hear Your leading and guiding in her life so that she will know what is the best path to take. Grab her husband’s attention so that he realizes how devastating his choices have been, and transform his heart. Perform a miracle in this family. Amen.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Shiru, you ask some questions that I just do not have the answer for, but I do know that Jesus can help guide you so that you know how best to respond in a marriage that misses His ideal. Jesus’ invitation, “Come to Me all of you who are weary and weighed down; I will give you rest” seems to fit for those who struggle in a marriage that lacks love. I have seen Jesus transform a couple from angry and hurtful to loving and nurturing; I have also seen Jesus help those in broken marriages thrive despite the hurtfulness of their spouse. He does not promise that He will take away all of our problems, but He does promise that He will be with us in those problems and lead us to do what is right even when everything around us is wrong.

    What kind of experience have you had with Jesus in your life?

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Rebecca, it sounds like you guys have had a lot of struggles in your relationship already which can create some real strength if handled well but can also create walls that will just build and build in your life. Part of the key is consistent honest communication with each other that is focussed on developing understanding of each other. You need to be able to articulate why your fiancé feels the way that he does and he needs to be able to describe why you feel like you. From that point you are going to be able to find the compromise that fits who you are as a couple. Sometimes it can be very helpful to have a objective third party help mediate those conversations and help get past some ‘baggage’ in the relationship. Have you guys ever thought of seeing a counsellor? I highly recommend that for all couples who are getting married no matter how ‘perfect’ they think their relationship is.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi Bren, it is amazing what the human mind can do to justify actions that we would otherwise see as impossible. I can understand your anger and incredulity at the way your husband has justified his betrayal of trust. Did you know that he was using drugs? Has that been something that was in his life in the past? I am sure that has played a significant part of the mental gymnastics he has gone through to explain away his infidelity. It will be very difficult to see a change in his relationships with other women if he continues to use.

    I would like to invite you to connect with one of our mentors. It will be so good for you to have a friend who you can confide in while you go through this with your husband. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and one of our mentors will connect with you soon by email.

    Let me pray for you: Dear God I pray for Bren as she is bombarded by all the emotions that go along with this kind of betrayal. I pray that You would give her strength and wisdom to know how to respond. I pray that You bring people around her who will love and care for her during these difficult days. I pray that her husband would have a moment of clarity to see the way he is devastating the woman he made a covenant with, and that he would make radical changes in his life. Lord we need a miracle in this family. Amen.

  • Jana says:

    I thank God I came across this site…first of all ,it’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in this situation .
    And the comments were very helpful.to some I can identify myself with.ive been married for 7 years and
    We are now in our 7yr tribulations of marriage…infairnes to him, he is honest to say he is not a sex addict type of man.
    As I can remember, in my 6th month of pregnancy we stopped making love but that’s fine w/ me.as a couple we have some issues already.the problem starts when after giving birth I found out infidelity on him..we talked tried to fixed things bec I believe divorce is not an option…sometimes we are good/some days are not..out son is already 9 month old but until now we did not make love yet..I tried to initiate but to my dismay I was just rejected for the reason he has no appetite for sex anymore..I tired to understand that in marriage it’s not all sex but I do believe sex will help grow our intimacy together as a couple..my thing is if my husband is not interested anymore to have sex w/ me does it mean he is not interested anymore to me as a wife esp if there’s an issue of unfaithfulness?..I’m confused now ..there are times that I just want to let him go if he is happy anymore w/ me..I need enlightenment here..thanks

  • Shiru says:

    I’ve been wondering whether there are any men out here who are able to explain why pornography excites them..When you got married you said you wed your wife with your body, so what changed that men go back to watching porn? Reading Kate’s reflection clearly explains what God’s plan is for marriage..why have we spoilt it by only making the decision to fulfil our own sexual desires, without care or concern for the person we said we will love, cherish, treasure, in good times or bad times and so on . So what should those women suffering in marriages without love or sex do? Is Divorce the way forward? How does a 20-40 year old woman/man live in a marriage relationship without love and sex? How does a woman decide that they are satisfied in their marriage and they will stay (especially those who have no children and want to have children)…No sex = no children right? Unless we adopt (alone) or go through IVF (alone as I’m sure the husband would not support this method if he can produce but he’s decided he doesn’t want to) I have many questions that I hope there people out here who can share their experience so we can all learn.

    For me I’m 42 and I feel it’s time to call my marriage off and pursue ways of becoming a mother alone. As it is I will struggle to become pregnant due to my age. How much more time should I give to my marriage? I know God’s timing is the best and he makes all things beautiful in his time but is pursuing other options to motherhood (and perhaps single motherhood), giving up on God?

    Oh and has anyone out there been enjoying lesbian pornography? This is what my husband seems to watch..my friend (she is not a born again Christian) said that it’s very normal for men to enjoy lesbian porn because this is unusual? Again I don’t understand…Can anyone shed light? Do those partners watching porn out there know how they make us feel?

    Sorry I have many questions and I am very confused…

  • Rebecca says:

    Hi my fiancé and I have been in a relationship for 4years and we are about to get married, in the begging of our relationship sex was great then I started to show signs of insecurity, jealousy and possession brought up from previous relationship which turned us apart sexually and emotionally. After 6 months of therapy things got better and we don’t argue as much actually is a rare event these days however our sex life does not exist. He shows no interest in me at all. Sex only happens when I initiate. I need help urgently, as I don’t believe in relationships without sex. Thanks.

  • Bren says:

    I’ve been married 14 yrs and only get sex when I initiate it. But a couple weeks ago, he refused me. I knew something was up. After days, he finally admitted to cheating on me with multiple women& being high every day. What??? And the reason I got for his infieldlty is because I don’t like fishing & these women do. What??????!!!!
    I

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    Hammy,
    You too have come to an important decision, recognizing that you were able to make those crucial changes in your own life. And you are right, sex isn’t the most important part of your relationship but a true friendship is. I’m not downplaying the importance of sex, but sometimes for a number of reasons that becomes secondary in a relationship and that doesn’t mean that you can’t still have a good marriage and be friends who enjoy life together.

    I do pray that as you grow together as friends, that perhaps that intimacy will return as well….

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    Shiru,
    I think you have come to a very important place in your marriage…realizing that only God can change us and leaving your husband to God. Although this isn’t what you would have chosen in terms of how your husband has been acting, God is the only one that can change him and I will continue to pray for you for that.

    Lord,
    I continue to lift Shiru up to you and thank you for the work that You are doing in her life. You alone can change her husband and we agree in asking for that Lord. In the meantime, help her to draw near to you in every way and draw her strength and joy from You alone. Amen

  • Shiru says:

    Hi Doris
    Thanks for your support and prayers. God is truly amazing. I have so much peace because I cannot change my husband. Only God can change us..So I’m leaving my husband to God..I may have to move out for a few weeks/months because I am at the lowest in my self confidence and I don’t want to get into a position where I cant talk to God or pray because I’m blaming him for my failed marriage. That’s how low I’ve felt and I’m at.

    Rita my heart goes out to you..hang in there and keep trusting God..

    Where do broken hearts go?

  • Hammy says:

    Hi,

    I have decided to leave this thread after 3.5 months. I want to thank Kate, a councillor here,for her very wise and encouraging words to me when I first join. I am not out of my problem but I have learnt alot from it. It was a wake up call for me to make changes that were crucial in my life. Sex is not what I want to work for now but a soulful relationship with husband is more important. Whatever will be will be but if we work on being really best friends to each other, the relationship will not go far wrong.

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi John, This is very specific, and yet very incorrect assessment of the situation. As I’ve said before and will continue to say in the comments here – generalizations made about entire genders are not accurate. It is simply not true to claim that all women use sex as a weapon (even if you say it in ALL CAPS). Some women use sex as leverage, and for the record so do some men, but if you read through the comments here you’ll see that that is not what we’re talking about. Read these comments. These are women who love their husbands, women who want to stay with their husbands, women who want a strong, healthy marriage and they miss being intimate.

    There is a lot of anger in what you’ve written here. If you have experienced what you are writing about firsthand, I am sorry to hear it. It can be tempting to take your own experience and paint the world with that brush but reality does not bear that out. I’d encourage you to find some compassion. (And if you’re not interested in compassion, there are other boards and comment sections better suited to your pursuit.)

    Sex is complicated. It doesn’t help to reduce it down to a simple if this then that proposition.

  • shiru says:

    hi everyone
    ive just read the latesr post written by John and realise just how important it is to respect each other. everyone who contributes to the website does it because they have life experience to share, encourage, challenge others etc…its a shame that some people who have never been rejected will find it difficult to empathise with those going through life challenges….so as much as I would to tell John to walk the road some of the people on here have been…I cant..only God can judge…when we understand Gods plan and purpose in marriage we will live in harmony together. for now Im going to choose drawing near to God and obey his Instructions…seek ye first his Kingdom and if my marriage will be what God wants it to be. living under the same roof with a husband who is not relating or communicating much is hard..the rejection as a woman pains deep down…but may be God will use this experience for his glory on how he is able to turn things around for sure…lets keep each other in prayers !!!

  • John says:

    Cry me a river ladies. If you were honest, you’d change the title of this from “Help – My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex” to “Help – I’m losing my best weapon to manipulate my Husband”. All women know why this is happening to many men, but you won’t admit it. Men stop initiating sex because YOU USE SEX AS A WEAPON against him. How do I know this? Because you’re female, and you all do it. When you use sex as a reward/punishment, you essentially become a whore. He has to “pay” you for sex or he doesn’t get any. When you use this weapon, the man has no choice but to neutralize your weapon by not initiating sex. You’ve done it to yourself, and the damage is permanent. Too bad ladies.

  • Rita says:

    Hi All,
    I have been married for 7 months and feels likes its been 7 years. My husband is not interested in sex any more.First 2 months of marriage went good but after that my husband lost his interest in sex. Initially we used to have sex 3-4 times a week but now only 3-4 times a month and I have to initiate it.What I noticed he always think and talk about his work and never come out from it. I tried my best to help him that not to think too much and he realise it as well. But after some time he is again same as before. when my friends asked about my married life.. I have to pretend that I am happy but in reality its not true. He always give examples of other girls and what they wear which I don’t like. I am pretty good looking but now I feel so low when he compares me.I don’t want to make it worst even I want to make it.I am so s tucked at this stage.. Please advice me how to make it better.

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    Shiru,
    My heart sure goes out to you and yet here you are, finding yourself in this marriage where his deceit is rampant. Having said that however, I really like what Kate said in her comment above, ‘Yet, we are all broken. Still, we must live with one another, so best to draw nearer to God in order to appropriate the blessings He provides, learn His ways and obey them. Obedience seems really unnecessary when everything is going our way, but nothing could be further from the truth. God may use our messes for good, to teach us wisdom and love that is so much more than we previously imagined.’

    God can work in your situation and still does miracles today! So I will join you today in asking Him for exactly that…

    Dear Heavenly Father
    I lift Shiru and her husband before you today. Lord, she has been hurt and disappointed by the deceit of her husband and yet, I know that You delight to take our broken pieces and make them whole again. Father,I have seen You do that, and so I ask today that You would work a miracle in her husband’s life and in their marriage. Amen

  • shiru says:

    waoh thanks Kate for sharing..its so hard..why are we suffering? I keep asking myself what God wants me to learn? I stopped questioning God why me..!!! reading others experiences here made me realise im not suffering alone..my prayer now is for the peace Paul refers to in the new testament ‘that surpass all understanding’. ive left the matter in Gods hand…I dont know what else to do or say

  • Sasha Cane says:

    I for one am TIRED OF THIS! I lose respect for these “porn addicts”! I mean come on; it’s sick and disgusting! I lost sexual interest in my man after many failed attempts at him “quitting porn”. He doesn’t even care; when I approach him about it; it’s like “This is no big deal”. I feel like if you want those nasty ladies, you can have them. Why not fantasize about me or think of romantic stuff for me? They are so quick to put on porn; but don’t know how to be romantic. It’s just so disgusting!

  • Kate Kate says:

    Hello everyone,

    Like others have mentioned, reading through the posts here stirs up quite a lot of sadness and sorrow. Our craving for intimacy is so raw.

    I have been studying a book about the Old Testament lately, particularly about the different accounts of creation. The point I have been getting from this study is that God has set up the creation in an ordered way, with boundaries and responsibilities expected from each person. If we cross those boundaries, like using porn or food to stifle our emotional pain, we not only damage our integrity, we do violence to the people around us because we are in relation to them. That is to say, in a way, that a wife feels like her heart is broken when her husband refuses sex because in fact her husband has enacted violence against her – he has refused to abide by the boundaries and responsibilities God designed to bless our relationships. Getting back in order, according to God’s design, is the way to joy. The joy God designed for us is available through obedience and discipline, and cannot be attained by selfishness or sin.

    Those are my reflections, perhaps something to mull over. Sometimes it helps to take a step back from our immediate situations, from our immediate pain and disappointment, to see the bigger picture: we are all creatures designed by God and designated for community. Yet, we are all broken. Still, we must live with one another, so best to draw nearer to God in order to appropriate the blessings He provides, learn His ways and obey them. Obedience seems really unnecessary when everything is going our way, but nothing could be further from the truth. God may use our messes for good, to teach us wisdom and love that is so much more than we previously imagined.

    Blessings,
    Kate

  • Hammy says:

    Hi,

    I feel really sad after reading each time I receive a post from this thread. Each of us so much want to be loved especially by someone so close to us in our lives, our spouses. We each have our expectations of how we want to be loved, many times influence by the world that tells us what we should expect. It hurts when this does not happen and even more so when our spouse cheat on us.

    The last time I posted in this thread in April, I was devastated because my husband openly declared that he will not have sex with me until ‘things’ get better. I was not sure what ‘things’ were. I probed. He was honest that he was the problem but I refused to believe him as I took it that he rejected me but deep down I know he loved me so much hurting me was the last thing he would do. In my mind, sex was something married couple do and you do for intimacy even if you don’t enjoy it 100%.

    We have been married for 19 years. 2 teen kids and have a balance and healthy family life. I was very passionate in parenting and gave 100% to my family as a stay home mum and neglected my social life totally. As my kids grow up, my life become really lonely. I felt isolated in my own world and fell into depression. I became a ‘not so nice’ wife, constantly bitter and angry and emptional. Even though my husband does not want to say that my change has cause him to not want to have sex, I believe this is one of the reasons. I know his business, though doing well, is also causing him stress and affecting his libido.

    I thank God I have the strength to stop blaming him and keep digging into myself to find out what’s wrong with me. For change to happen, it has to start with me. To start, I need to process myself and loosen out those fears and pain inside. I suppose one day our sex life will resume but in the meantime it does not matter. What’s important is that I work on loving myself and loving him in the right way. This is work in progress and don’t know for how long. We may not resume sex till the day we die but it is okay. I have longings sometimes but I tell myself sex is only a small part of a couple’s relationship. We can try not to let it rob us off our well being.

    I want to say here to SOME GUY thank you for sharing so honestly about his problem. It is good to hear from a male perspective. I agree porn affects married couple sex lives badly. Those stuff are performances, not making love.

  • Brokenhearted says:

    Hello thank you for your help. My husband of 16 years was in a long term Physical and emotional affair for over a year. Our sex life was dwindling prior and he blamed his depression and mess for lack of desire. He became a brother to me and came to see me as the co worker and keeper of the house. He would not kiss me on the mouth nothing. Blamed his parents for not teaching him physical affection. Went from very very affectionate and attentive prior to marriage to dead almost right after. Conquest over time to move on. It’s my new car smell needed a new model. Tokd him to guard his heart as I had lost my first marriage to the other woman. He pretended to be a “model” husband and father but showed almost no affection to me. Felt like a good friend.

    Fast forward my uncovering this mess, we are now 1 year out and he rarely wants sex with me just like before. Says he is too depressed. Had him move out for 7 months since I caught him twice with her. So I had two DDays as they say in the adultery world.
    He was shocked into a new reality and appeared to be a “changed” and attentive man. Wanted his wife and his family back.
    But now 6 months into the reconciliation he is back to being his selfish in attentive self with little interest in sex. Worried he is back with her under cover as it is said. Just hiding better tan before. Said he is too depressed and the meds he takes makes him less interested than ever. I notice he never touches me like a wife or lover anymore just tries to “hug” me and put on a good show for the family.
    Think he has been cheating for years now and I do not want to become bitter or live like a cop waiting for the next big reveal. He is do selfish and “me” oriented he only wants to do things that he wants to do. Guy things and things that interest him. He also told me do not approach him as I was putting pressure on him to perform? ? I love my husband and am trying to piece together this mess.
    How do you deal with this? Counselors say be patient he is feeling guilt and remorse? So he is not interested. Tried the cute outfits and rose pedals. Now I just want to put the pedal to medal and run before I find him relieving his depression again with another woman. Help please! I feel he us more depressed because he “loved” her and she was the fire in his soul. I had died in his heart years ago that way. He blames himself for not understanding love. What a fine mess I have gotten myself into. Thanks for any ideas.

  • Shiru says:

    Oh my word…Saran and Megha are exactly what I’m experiencing in my marriage. Been married for 2 years (30 June 14 was our 2nd wedding anniversary)..it was just another day like any other. My husband doesnt care much for any milestones.

    I’ve recently discovered that he is watching pornography..he is paying approximately £60 each month subscribing to porn (and particular lesbian ones). We are both christians and he was before we met. 6 months after we got married he stopped wanting to have sex – not that there was much before. He’s never ejaculated or climax for that matter. And if I’m honest we never took time to know each others likes dislikes where sex is concerned, cause he went off it so quickly. Oh and he’d been married twice before. When I asked he said he was stressed at work and I should support him and not put pressure on sex. Before our first wedding anniversary I sought help from a marriage counsellor and at the end of the sessions (6-8 hours), she concluded that he should attend psycho sexual counselling which he said no way in hell was he going to talk to anyone about sex – not even his doctors. However, the more i pushed the more I got the truth that he had changed his mind about having a family (kids)..15 months after we got married he tells me he doesn’t want to have kids!!!!! I was devastated and had no idea what to do. For 15 months I blamed myself…wondering why he didnt find me attractive,….i tried everything that a wife is supposed to do. Tried to remove stress at home because I really didnt want to start thinking of divorce. I spoke to many people and read various christians blogs where the common theme was ‘God changes lifes’ and he can change my husbands life. So I continued for a few more months because my husband said he was working on the issues troubling him, i.e why he had decided not to want kids. However, I’ve now reached the end I think. I’ve started finding out about adoption and IVF. I always wanted to be a mother and feel that I shouldnt let my husband stop this desire. He’s already stolen the joy I envisaged of having sex in a marriage. I am 42 and I waited to get married to experience this God chosen sacred covenant. Instead, I’ve been deceived and no matter how much I’ve tried to remind myself that marriage is first you and your spouse then kids…I feel bitter for being deceived. If I knew before we got married for example that he had a problem with sex in any way..and he couldn’t have children due to a medical condition or illness or he was unable to enjoy sex fully etc, I would have made the decision for marrying him having considered all the information given and this would have been an informed decision but now I feel like I made vows and although he’s not been unfaithful..he’s deceived me and he is getting satisfaction from porno. When I ask him whether he is watching porno he gets angry and asks why I would even think that..porn sites are on the history of his laptop and direct debit payments are on his bank statement.

    Sorry my post is so long!!!!

    Does anyone have any further advice before I start separation and then divorce?

  • Chantel says:

    Hi my husband and I have been married for two years. He is 11 years younger than me. I was married before
    And my ex was never satisfied if we didn’t have sex every night he thought something was wrong.
    My husband now doesn’t seem to want it we can go weeks without it and he
    Doesn’t seem very sexual. I’m not used to that and am not sure how to deal with this. I’ve spoken to him about it and he said he has always had low libido. So why doesn’t he try to fix it? Is that normal ? I’ve thought there was someone else , or he’s gay or he’s watching porn. How do I find out what the real problem is? He tells me I’m sexy We both are fitness comepitors and are In great shape so what’s the deal??!!

  • Michael Jantzen Michael Jantzen says:

    Hello Some Guy. Thank you for sharing with such honesty on this site. I’m saddened to read of your struggle to be intimate with your wife, but there is definitely hope for overcoming pornography addiction. My life is proof of that. You may want to read Jeff’s story Here: http://issuesiface.com/porn Could you tell me when the pressure to perform first entered your sex life? Why do you think that feeling first surfaced. I’m happy to chat with you here, but if you want to talk confidentially with someone, our mentors have journeyed with many people through similar challenges. It’s free, as our organization is a not-for-profit. Here’s the link: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ Take care.

  • Some Guy says:

    I’m sitting downstairs at 1 AM in the morning on a Wednesday after just refusing my wife sex. I felt bad about doing so, and much worse after googling “why don’t I want to have sex with my wife” and coming across this website and reading all of your comments. I wished to share a few things with you all in the hopes of mutual understanding.

    I am 31, in good financial standing, in decent shape and without children. I’ve been married for 3 years with no children. This is not an issue as neither of us wanted to have them. My wife is only a few years older and also is in decent shape. I have never cheated on my wife nor have I plans to do so.

    Why don’t I wish to have sex with my wife? Part of it is porn. I have to admit that as being the case. There is absolutely no pressure of performance with pornography. It is guaranteed to please you every time with no worries of judgement. It is always there, and it becomes habit forming, if not outright addicting. I will masturbate 1-3 times a day, often waiting until my wife is asleep to sneak downstairs to do so. It helps me sleep and there is no pressure of pleasing another person…which leads to the next part.

    My performance is lacking. I used to be better at sex, but lately I have trouble bringing my wife to completion in any position but one. She is happy to maintain this sexual setup, but it makes me self conscious and bored at the same time. I’ve tried marital aids, but she didn’t enjoy them. Porn may be a factor in this, but I think it is just a part of (some) men getting old. Women might become dry, but men just can’t keep it up as long and it is a problem for us.

    I guess I will try to give up porn, but I don’t see this problem going away any time soon. It breaks my heart to see so many of you so hurt by this problem, and to know my wife likely feels as you do. I cannot offer any help but to share my thoughts. I could go on about this problem but this post has gone on long enough.

  • Mary says:

    I’m 43 and my husband is 56. I love him very much but he seems to have ED and won’t seek help. We’ve tried everything else. Honestly not sure if I can live like this…I feel dead. Not looking for another relationship but some physical satisfaction. In every other way it’s perfect.

  • MARIA says:

    I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 17 YEARS – AND IF I AM LUCKY WE WILL HAVE SEX ONES A MONTH I TIRED TO TALK TO MY HUSBAND TO HAVE MORE SEX BUT HE SAY THAT HE IS NOT IN THE MOOD FOR SEX OR HE WHANT TO GO TO SLEEP. I DIT TALK TO HIM FOR MORE SEX BUT HE SAY OUR SEX LIVE IS NORMAL. I NO I AM NOT BEATYFILL BUT I LOVE MY HUSBAND
    SORRY FOR THE SPELLING BUT A AM AFRIKAANS PLEASE HELP ME

  • Beverly says:

    Hi,
    I have been with my husband for 8 1/2 years married 3 years. I last had intimacy with my husband six months ago and I just can’t bare it any more. This has happened a few times and the problem behind it whatever it is, has never been resolved. Things each time were then ok for a day or two then back to this again. I have tried everything I can to sort this with him. I have told him how much I love him and find him attractive. I make him feel the man he is but nothing works. I ask him about it and all he says is he don’t know and gets cross when I try and talk with him about it. You see I caught him with pictures on his phone of girls that he obviously finds attractive. That was a couple years ago and I forgave him after I told him how much he hurt me but I’m just wondering if he is at it again.? Just can’t go on like this. I asked him if he’s up to things again but he Denys it and gets annoyed. I keep saying is it me? What’s wrong with me but he says nothing. Any advice please ? Please help. Thanks

  • Maria Sepulveda says:

    Hello I’m was together with my husband for 10 years and the past 4 year’s he was cheating on me with 4 different women’s I just found out im march of this year, i fill that some.body take my life away thy was so painful thrn he ask me for forgiveness and ask me to merry himand i did,but since then he make so many excuses to not hve sex with me,before that i found out about the others, he always tired now the same, i don’t know what to do? I Love him,but this is to much for mr

  • saran says:

    hi,
    we’ve been married since 8months and till first 6months we never had sex! though i asked him he used o escape some how sayin sily reasons finally he asked me to wait for 6 months which was a story but im married to him i need to trust him so i listened n believed in him after 6 monts he said he was wantingly doin it bcos he dnt want children this soon so i mmade it an issue between his n my parents.his parents were so lite n asked so wat.my parents were soooo disturbed n worried like me….n considered this as cheating then my husband said sorry n said he will b good to me but its been 3months from then he is not good,i feel im just a care taker for himm at free of cost n nothing else.im unable to understand wat to do with this.hep me

  • Ahmad says:

    I want a wife for loving

  • Allison says:

    My husband & I have been married for 26 years & have not had sex for 16. He says it is his fault & started when I broke my back & he gained a lot of weight & was afraid of hurting me during sex. Now he seems unable to do it. I don’t want to have sex with him because I am unattracted to him, find sex with him totally unfulfilling, & feel like he is just a very good friend. I love him a lot, but I am not in love with him. We have seen a doctor & there is nothing physically wrong with him. I feel lonely & would love to have someone to make love to. I really don’t want to cheat & don’t want any one-night stands. I just hurt to think I will love out my life never making love to someone again.

  • Ivan says:

    My wife told me that her past lover was better than me. And she has a strong Feminine odor. I’m sure it’s my fault. It always is. I bought her a vibrator. I hope she is happy.

  • Kate Kate says:

    Hi all,

    My heart breaks for each of you. There are no easy answers that I know of, no one-size fits all solution. Sometimes issues and resolutions are a matter of timing… which means a good dose of waiting, persevering, building up oneself and one’s circle of support, especially seeking wise advise and hopefully finding mentors among those who’ve gone down this dark tunnel and managed to come out the other side!

    As the person being rejected, it is incredibly painful and confusing. Each of us may benefit from personal counselling and making choices that affirm our own self-worth, even if we do not see the change we wish to see in our partner.

    Personally I find it very helpful and relieving to recognize that, no matter what circumstances I face and no matter what choices my partner may make, God is able to work throughout it all. The more I learn about God, the more I can sense Him changing me, refining me…. then (although terrible circumstances are still terrible) I can at least find a reason to be grateful in the midst. We are all going to go through fire… whether it’s this, or something else, and it’s wonderful to know that as we trust God, He will sustain us through the worst of the worst, refining us, and not letting us be consumed by the flames.

    Blessings,
    Kate

  • lizzue says:

    what do you do when your husband refuses to address the issues??? I’ve tired talking to him but he gets so angry that I now avoid any convesation to do with issues he ight be having!!1 I would take a bet rigt now that if you asked hinm why we donb;t make love then it would be done to me and not him.
    Aby attempt to address the issues is takne either an ‘criticism’ or the usual mode of deflection would be’ well we’re too old for all that’!! We’re just over 60 and I find this bothbaffling and hurtful.

  • Christy says:

    Hi, I have being married a year. We dated 3 months but after we got married the sex STOPPED. He has no desire to fill that need with me. He looks to porn to fill that need. Can you please HELP ME

  • Julia says:

    Megha, your husband has a pornography addiction. There is nothing wrong with you, it’s him. He’s sick.
    Men that get angry, deny, blow up and turn things around like avoid by blaming you is defintely classic porn addict signs.
    I have found some great articles at covenanteyes.com to help me understand what
    I’m dealing with. Plus women are great at blaming ourselves. These articles
    have helped me sort through my feelings and realize I’m not the only wife facing this problem.

    I’ve been married two times and divorced my first husband because of porn. I made
    a conscience effort to avoid men that like porn. I’ve been
    with my second husband for ten years and have recently discovered his
    porn addiction. The signs, short with me, change in personality like not being nice when I ask him “what’s wrong?
    Men addicted to porn get angry when you interfere with their porn, they get agitated and angry.
    It’s very sad. I’m an attractive woman and thought we had
    a healthy sex life and good marriage. Now, after taking small doses of educating myself, I find that I’m not the
    only woman dealing with this and I’m NOT the problem. It’s his problem, that he brought into
    our marriage. Porn is tearing families apart. I wish I could find a man that respected his vowes, spouse and had
    some self control and wasn’t selfish. Just for hope to know they exist.

    I believe most women in my shoes work diligently taking care of their
    husband, family, job, and home. It’s the sense of betrayal and lack of respect for
    me after I’ve given so much to our relationship, that I have a huge problem with. Your best friend isn’t supposed
    to lie, deceive and cheat on you.

    Not sure what my next step is going to be. So my advice stops, I’m traveling on my own lonely road.

  • Thomas says:

    For me, I find my low desire for her is related to her becoming overweight and unappealling, I do not do pornography yet have timesl…there are simple relational issues that play a big part, but there is also her increased weight gain that dampens my desire…it is difficult to mention this to her because I am not supposed to put so much emphasis on body weight and appearance, and I do not want to hurt her feelings.

  • sweetness says:

    Tired of masturbating! 3 times today and I don’t know what else to do. Been together almost 6 years and married 1 year. Help!

  • Megha says:

    Hi
    I have been married for 2yeras ago. but we don’t have a sex life. I tried to get closer but he ignored me. My husband like to watch pornography and sex movie.I used to ask him to talk openly on this topic and find out what’s wrong with me, why he doesn’t want to have sex with his wife. Whenever i asked him about this matter he gets angry, but he didn’t answer me. I don’t know what to do please help me.

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