Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!

Written by Dr. Dave Currie

You might feel like you’re alone in this, but you’re not. Free email mentoring is available today. Request a mentor.  Also in this series: She Doesn’t Want Sex.

So often I hear about how much men need sex, but my husband has no interest in sex. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my husband want me?

Donalyn: Well first of all, there is nothing wrong with you! The first response of most women in your situation is to second-guess or blame themselves. While your husband’s lack of desire is certainly a problem, it is most likely not a problem with you. In fact, most sexual problems aren’t sexual at all.

Dave: That is right Donalyn. We sometimes have the idea that for men, the sexual experience is detached from what is going on inside. In reality, a man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desire. If he feels emotionally distant from his wife, and especially if he feels like a failure in any way, it can lead to a lack of confidence and therefore a lack of interest in sex. For a man, sexual performance is very much tied to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself it will definitely show up in his approach to sexual intimacy with his wife.

Donalyn: As women, we know that our sexual appetite is diminished when we do not feel connected to our husbands, or if there is unresolved anger between us. But we forget that our husband’s sex drive can also suffer for these same reasons. Likewise, if a man is overworked or under a lot of stress, whether inside or outside the home, sexual interest may start to take a back seat.

Love & God
What does God have to do with love?
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.

Dave: Of course, there are all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here too. If your husband has had any struggles with erectile dysfunction, that is likely a huge contributing factor. If he is feeling any lack of confidence in his ability to perform, he will almost certainly shy away from physical intimacy. Libido is also significantly impacted by testosterone levels, so if your husband has low testosterone, that could be the cause. Drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, may hinder the sexual desire. The good news is that many of the physical factors are very treatable, so it may be time for your husband to have a doctor’s appointment to get some help with this.

Donalyn: Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which are not so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person’s involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities. That is becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the Internet.

Dave: It is true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it’s a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.

Donalyn: So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he is just getting those needs met elsewhere.

Dave: Exactly. And it is not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a variety of fantasy sources, combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping women out and fantasizing about them later. Others give into their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be “neuter” for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there does not seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.

Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.

Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.

Donalyn: I would ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest. Ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Maybe he knows exactly what the problem is, or perhaps you will have to work through it together to discover what lies at the root. The best thing you can do is approach it as a team. He cannot be made to feel like this is all his problem to solve on his own. He needs to know that you are on the same side. So share with him your needs and your desires – how you would like things to be. Then work together to get there.

Dave: That is right. Support him throughout the process as he works through his fears and insecurity. Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.

Donalyn: Right. But that is tough to do if you discover that pornography or other illegitimate behaviors are part of the picture.

Dave: Yes, that is very true. But if you do suspect that this is a factor, you are going to ask him the tough questions about where he is having his sexual needs met. And as hard as it will be, if your husband has the courage to open up with you and share his struggles in this area, he will need your support. These issues can be worked through and overcome, but not without a great deal of patience and understanding.

Donalyn: It is also important to find out if there is anything that you have been doing to contribute to the problem. Not that it ever excuses wrong behavior on his part, but you need to know if you have said or done anything to turn him away from you. It may be that you have a critical spirit, that you have been controlling him or cutting him down, or that you are making him feel less of a man. If so, these are behaviors that you can take responsibility for and begin to change, in order to improve the situation between you.

Dave: Absolutely. If a man is feeling constantly criticized or dominated, it creates big damage to his self-worth, and that filters down to his sexual interest. So find out what issues may be coming between you and take positive steps to resolve them. You might even read some marriage and sexuality resources to help you through this process. Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman and Staying Close, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey are good places to start.

Donalyn: Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.

Dave: Keep in mind 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”

While I would not necessarily recommend preaching at your husband, every couple needs to remember that depriving or denying each other increases the temptation to have sexual needs met elsewhere. Again, it never legitimizes it. But a wise person will work to keep their spouse satisfied within the marriage.

Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Does your sex life need help? Find out why men can have a low sex drive.

Learn more about intimacy anorexia

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1,548 Responses to “Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!”

  • Christian Woman says:

    Have the same issue. Husband finally admitted to me he was sexually abused by female caretaker as a child and never told anyone. We have been married for 4 years. Just came out. He also struggles with depression and is on pain pills. They all play the part. First thing is never take it as you. I did that for years and it damaged my self image. It’s not you. It’s them. God gives us the strength to go through this. But trust me I think about leaving a lot but what would that do? Leave him to deal with it on his own. God gives us woman the strength to deal with this stuff. If he didn’t, he would have never created Us to be a help- mate.

  • shi says:

    Michelle im so sorry. My marriage started off well but my husband changed..nothing thar I tried to do or say to understand helped..after 2.5 years im leaving. I shouldnt have waited that long as my husband clearly didnt see anything wrong with a sexless, non intimate marriage. He refused to see dictor, counsellor and refused to talk to me about what was going I write this today I never got to know what is going advice would be that you dont compare him with anyone else because he is unique. However over the coming months ask God for wisdom over your marriage. Pray for your husband and ask God to do what he needs to do so your husband changes..all the best..

  • Chris Chris says:

    Michelle…so sorry to hear of your situaton. having gone through a similar situation when i was first married, i can identify with your struggle. in my case, i did nothing but continued to love my wife as christ loves us, uncondtionally. you can pray about doing that as well and look to jesus as your sourec of strength and love until your husband comes around. however you could also seek some counseling with or without your husband. hopefully he would open up and share what his problem is so that you would know what is really going on in his heart. that would be the least he could do really, being open and honest with you. for more information on knowing jesus as your lord and savior and helper in every situation, log onto… or click talk to a mentor above. i pray jesus bless and keep you through this time so that the knowledge of his will can be known amen!

  • michelle says:

    Me and my husband got married a little over 2 weeks ago and it seems like he doesn’t want to make love to me at all and I am so beyond hurt and every time I tried he turns me down and I just can’t be rejected no more I feel so unattractive !

  • Chris Chris says:

    denise…sorry to hear of your struggles. sometimes men can be helped through some simple vitamins and supplements to help their reproductive systems. your husband should be willing to take some natural if he isnt willing to supernaturally through christ be a better husband to you. why not bring that to his attention and also to your pastor if things dont seem to be improving. pastors are there to help. i assume you both go to the same church. jesus help denise in this situation and bring to her husbands attention his lack of fulfilling his promises to her which you would never do. make him like you amen!

  • Fleur says:

    Denise and Shantel,

    When reading your comments I felt you were describing my marriage! Its good to know I’m not alone. I have started talking to my husband about resuming our bedroom activities and using protection if it eases his mind re: pregnancy. He insists that he wont need any protection but then he doesnt initiate anything either. We have rekindled our spark in terms of feeling a connection with each other and cuddling. But nothing more. Each day I am praying for a miracle. I feel so deprived that when someone at work came extra close to me, i didnt move back. Instead i started imagining what closeness could lead to. I feel im going out of my mind. The worst part is that I am surrounded by younger men who seem interested in me should i reciprocate, but I have never done that. One day at a time.

  • Denise says:

    My husband has not initiated sex from the beginning of our marriage. We have been married for three years and I can almost count the number of times he has initiated sex, even on our honeymoon which still hurts. At one point I discovered that he was into porn, we sought Christian counseling and things got a little better. We’ve been trying to conceive which hasn’t been easy but I feel like he doesn’t realize that we have to have sex in order to have a baby. He’ll go for long periods of time without sex until I say something. It hurts because I try to hold out waiting for him to want me or touch me. I feel helpless. What do I do? I’ve checked his phone I don’t see any signs of porn but who knows?

  • shantel says:

    I have tried talking to.him and seeing what the problem is but he will not talk to me i am a very attractive women i keep myself up for my husband and i do everything i can for him and everythng he ask me todo i even do things i would never have done in a million years but we still aren’t having sex i still do the whole sexy outfits and everything and still nothing i can barley even get him to spend time with me. He works but so do i and i still try to find time to spend with my husband and he doea nothing he will find time to spend hours with his friends and family but as soon as h gets home or gets with me he wants to argue or he goes straight to sleep he sleeps all day and night i told him that i feel like he isn’t interested or attracted to me anymore and what can i do to fix it but i still get nothing we havent had sex in months and everytime i try all i get is no or i get pushed away and my husband loves head and i tried that and he just still pushed me away what should i do what do i do im really thinking about giving up because i fell like theres sumone else and hes not interested or inlove with me anymore please help me cause i dont wanna give up on my husband or us i am truely inlove with him im just getting to the point of giving up because its been going on for almost a year off an on

  • Chris Chris says:

    fleur…i regret to hear of your situation. the bible does say in 1 cor 7.1 and following that neither spouse is to defraud sexually the one to the other. your husband is putting you in a situation to live as a celibate when you dont have that as a gift. first thing i would suggest is be sure your relationship to God is right by making jesus christ your lord and savior. nothing can go right in life without having christ as the center of our lives, directing and showing us the path to take. as you do, you will also be able to pray effectively for your husband so that he too can have the love of christ in his life and be a responsable and loving husband to you as well. for more information on knowing jesus personally you can log onto… if jesus is already your lord and savior, then see if your husband will respond to marriage counseling. there are also natural vitamins to help for a man struggling with low sexual desire. your husband needs to cooperate otherwise you could pray about a posible seperation and see if that might wake him up according to 1 cor 7.10 to 11. i pray jesus lead you as you let christ show you the way to take in your personal and marriage life amen

  • Rashid says:

    Physical beauty is important at least to me and also inner beauty. Most men love their wife but it the issue of what kind of woman he will love to have that what’s make him turn on it is not the woman it is the desire that he has. I will love to meet a woman who is one man kind of and believes on husband after marriage and one time a man tell me marry a woman who is in her thirty but under is better there is reason for it then man don’t need cilis a or anything else beauty will take care of his desire. Most men love their wife but sex is an other chapter

  • Rashid says:

    when man know he is married and he is married and have wife that is enough for him he feel comfortable just knowing he is married it is true it is hard but it is sure man love his wife but man need his desire I think marriage is companionship and caring for each other it is commitment I will pray to Jesus to keep your heart for your commit ed relationship in Jesus name Amen

  • Fleur says:

    Today is my 7th wedding anniversary. I love my husband very much and I know he is devoted to me. I know I am attractive and I feel good about myself, I make an effort with my clothes and makeup and always get many compliments. While I mostly do it for me, I do keep hoping that my husband would sit up and notice me, or find me attractive enough to initiate lovemaking. But that has happened once or twice in our marriage. He is otherwise complacent and can go for months without any sex. I am also the one to initiate a kiss or a hug everyday. At most he kisses me on the forehead very rarely. It has now been 4 months since we made love and my needs are just not being met. I have always been loyal to my husband…but I don’t feel it can last any longer. I still love him very much but his constant rejection of me is hurtful. I feel very restricted. Please help.

  • Amy says:

    Tonya thanks for writing,first I want to say he’s not gay or have some little slut on the side. I really thought he was cheating, so many times I payed to have him followed. The private people told me he’s boring and I will be stealing your money, they found nothing. The pig part might be true! I can’t have an affair I’ve
    had a hysterectomy so with no sex organs the desire is gone. Again I’m like him ! He never visited me at the hospital, so a neighbor took me in for a week to help me out. I beat myself up every day for not moving on, but I was dumb and thought I could fix my marriage. I have nothing to give any more, so I have just sucked it up and live with what little I have. I’m going on 68 now and whats the point, I have no interest in men, I hate all of them. Sorry but that’s the way I feel.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Is that what has happened in your marriage Jeremy? Do you feel like your wife has pushed you into another’s arms? What keeps you hanging on to your marriage?

  • Jeremy says:

    I don’t believe in God, but when your wife pushes you away constantly and tells you to go look at porn then who am I to argue. There are other issues underlining and it may very well be her. Her attitude towards her husband or lack their of. Maybe she should watch some porn for educational purposes. Maybe her husband and her should get a gym membership together. Maybe they are both overweight and not that attractive to each other or maybe they just need counseling. Perhaps she has pushed her man to another’s arms and not even know it yet. Maybe it’s just time for divorce.

  • Chris Chris says:

    blessing….we see from the bible, Gods Word, that sex is to be reserved for marriage between a husband and a wife. sex is the physical uniting factor that is to make two into one. your fiancee does well in insisting that you abstain from sex until such a time that you are married if indeed it is Gods will for you to marry. its so important that we receive Gods instructions to be able to live a life that pleases him since we have been created for and by jesus christ. if you would like more information on knowing jesus christ personally and savingly log onto… or click talk to a mentor above. i pray that jesus would become real to you and that his words would be the joy and rejoicing of your heart!

  • blessing says:

    I want to no if my fiancy is normal pls . He is 29yrs today and have not have sex before and still not have any urge for it . He continue saying after marriage . Is he ok ?

  • Radhid says:

    very good advise for Jane

  • Anony says:

    First, my sympathies. There is more trouble in this relationship than your sex life. As a nursing student who has a lot of medical and psychological studies behind me I feel qualified to give you this advice: it’s over. I’ve seen many many with ED that work thru these problems with meds, therapy and other means with their wife. What concerns me is that he has a history of dishonesty and doesn’t even seem to acknowledge let alone apologize for your emotional distress, nor is he actively “working” on improving the relationship. Sorry, but when he flat out said, “I have no interest in you sexually”–it hurts, but he is telling you his truth, for whatever reason. Women always try to reinterpret what men say, but sometimes “a cigar is just a cigar”. It’s irrelevant that he’s trolling the web, or even dating/cheating because the point is it is over. Yes, it hurts. But at 49 you can move on and meet a man you deserve who will respect you and at least attempt to fulfill your emotional and physical needs. Stay in therapy, get thru this, move on. Don’t waste your time trying to invest in a relationship that the other person clearly does not value. It never works. You will waste time and energy and lose what self respect you have left. Been there, done that. PS I’m 43, my BF is 61, and we have a great physical and emotional relationship–he wears ME out, lol!

  • Chris Chris says:

    crossroads….i regret to hear of your plight. being a married person myself, i understand how these situations can be very stressful and unpleasent. from my Christian perspective, i see marriage basically impossible to endure without the presence of christ in our lives and marriages. since jesus designed marriage and draws two people together, we must seek him for the answers we need in our married lives since life in any form is only sustained by christ. i encourage you to log onto so that you can begin a closer relationship with the only one who really has the answers you need, jesus the messiah, or click talk to a mentor above. i pray that jesus would help you fulfill the reason he has created you and that you would see life much beyond the marriage context into the spiritual context jesus would have us see it in in his name amen

  • Crossroads says:

    P.S. I also came to learn last night that he has a prescription for Cialis in his dresser drawer that he hasn’t bothered taking this whole time he claimed it was just ED and had nothing to do with me. Now he states he ‘wants’ me but doesn’t ‘desire’ me. When I asked him what ‘want’ means he says ‘I want you to be here when I get home. I want to spend my life with you. I want to grow old with you. I want you to be my wife.’ Certainly not the definition of ‘want’ he let me believe he meant all this time.

    I finally asked him if maybe he wasn’t just lying to me all this time but also to himself. Maybe he didn’t really ‘love’ me but instead loved what a life with me could afford him to do and the goals it was allowing him to reach faster. He replied ‘I don’t believe that to be true and I don’t want it to be, but maybe.’

    Just at a crossroads right now and not sure which way to turn. Thinking I should just stand here for a while and at the least give the counseling a chance again. Maybe this time he’ll be truthful in counseling so it will have a chance to work.

  • Crossroads says:

    Came across this feed and would like to share/ask… I’m dealing with much the same situation with my husband. He’s 51 and I’m 49 and we’ve been married 6 years, together 8. Our kids are grown with the exception of his 18 year old daughter who lives in another state with her mom.

    For a long time now his disinterest in intimacy with me has been on the decline. He would always say ‘it’s not you, it’s me. I’m just not in the mood.’ He tells me he’s aroused by me and wants me, loves me and is in love with me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me but other than a quick peck kiss before he leaves for work and again when he gets home, there is no intimacy between us, physically nor emotionally.

    I don’t want to be one of those nagging wives who always whine, complain, fuss, etc. about things so I share when I feel I need to and give him space and time to follow through with the things he says he’s going to do and changes he claims he knows he needs to make. So, I put on a happy face and try to get back to ‘normal’ and not mope around and wait for him for him to fail and his attempts begin to dwindle within 1-1/2 weeks each and every time.

    We met on a dating site and one night after he gave me a key to his apt. I thought I’d surprise him and be there when he got home. Well, I got the surprise because I caught him on the site cruising through women’s profiles. His explanation ‘it doesn’t mean anything, it’s just a habit. Something to do to wind down.’ I’ve caught him in several other lies over the years which he vehemently and sincerely denied to the point that I gave him the benefit of the doubt when I KNEW in my soul he was lying. Lies about accessing porn sites, IM’ing another woman ‘friend’, creating a Twitter account and tweeting to another woman, etc. I’m not sure why he has decided to start coming clean recently, because it was like pulling eye teeth to get the truth out of him, but finally last night he admitted that ‘it was just easier to lie than tell the truth’.

    Back to the point of this stream… after being rejected by him so many times, over a couple years I told him I needed him to be the initiator of sex and that the rejection was just too hurtful. He knows I want and need him and that I am honest and faithful and I have always been understanding and caring and loving about his supposed ED issues, but three nights ago after a heated discussion about how some of our issues, I asked him why he doesn’t ever seem to want me and he stated ‘I have no desire to have sex with you.’ which he stated again and added ‘…or any other woman.’ Can you say OUCH!? Man, what a blow to my self esteem.

    Needless to say I have slept on the couch for the past 3 nights because I just can’t climb into bed with him after hearing him say that.

    We’ve both been to marriage counseling, individually and as a couple, seeing the same therapist. It seemed to work wonders for the past two years, but that’s when I caught him on another woman’s FB account scrolling through….and that’s when I decided I was done playing the fool and the lies had to stop. I started seeing my therapist again and he’s supposed to start seeing a male therapist in the same practice next month so we can work on our individual issues and then decide if we want to try and save our marriage.

    I’ve put the ball in his court. He’s supposed to let me know when he would like to spend quality time with me and if that doesn’t happen or it dwindles after a while to become non-existent again, then she says I’ll have my answers.

    I’ve read so many of the responses and I understand where most of the men and women are coming from. But, would any of you be willing to read through my whole post and offer up some advise based on the details I’ve listed and let me know if I should be concerned that he is possibly stepping out, cheating, getting it somewhere else, etc. or is it possible he’s just a clueless man and needs his hand held through this whole marriage? And let me add, he’s a very intelligent man whose a successful businessman and have all sorts of problem solving skills which he applies to every aspect of his life EXCEPT our marriage. All I ever get out of him is ‘I don’t know what to say.’ or ‘I don’t know what to do.’ or just ‘I don’t know.’

    And how do I ever learn to trust him again, especially when they don’t seem to have stopped and are just so blatant. I’m so close to giving up the fight for ‘us’. I don’t want to, but at this point I have to question what am I fighting for.

    Thanks in advance…

  • Chris Chris says:

    jane…i regret to hear of your situation. porn can really not be tolerated in a marriage. jesus said that looking was the same as acting so this is very serious. the mínimum your husband should do is eliminate this source of eye-adultery from his life by turning over his devises to you at any time for revisión. if he doesnt want to, then he simply isnt taking his marriage seriously. we cant live other peoples lives but marriage vows are sacred to God and not to be mocked. of course, the real root of all of your husbands problems and our problems even if porn isnt among them, is that we are sinners and need the savior in jesus christ. as you have experienced, marriage, even happy ones, cannot make a person completely satisfied in this world. we need to look beyond this world to the next and be prepared for it by receiving jesus christ personally as our lord and savior especially for those times when life doesnt seem worth living. if you would like more information on receiving jesus into your heart and life log onto… or click talk to a mentor above. i pray that you would open your heart to christ, let him lead you in your lifes decisions and apply the wisdom that only he can give in his name i pray amen!

  • Rashid says:

    Plenty men out there I am sure will keep you happy much better quality life why waste life making changing taje step and happiness is waiting g for you.

  • jane says:

    I have discussed with my husband how his lack of affection and sexual desire hurts me. I am the sole bread winner, I take care of all of the bills, I keep him fed, I ensure he has power, water, cable, that he can do whatever he wants to do, but its just not enough. I feel cheated on because I find porn on his phone quite often, which usually causes a huge fight, because I feel like he is substituting our sex life for his porn obsession. I am at a point where I just feel it would be better to get a divorce. We have only been together for three year and we have had sex 4 times this calendar year, it is now November. We have gone to counseling, he has promised to make changes but nothing ever happens, except me crying, and him lying.

  • Rashid says:

    some Guy
    Thank you your advise well taken. Patients is hard which websites are long process I meet potential but it is hard for me how to convert simple conversation to to a potential relationship. It is seems to me you have good experience about web site? Thank you

  • Some Guy says:


    I would suggest meeting women using online dating sites. There are sites like Christian mingle which cater to those with strong religious beliefs. It’s important to be honest, realistic in your expectations, and patient. Best of luck.

  • Rashid says:

    first of all I agree with you about kinky sex I don’t think God plan was not for us. But same token sex is most important to bring happiness and joy I think sex is a seed of blessing to have family , children, happiness but we have made it more like commercial instead using it God’s way.
    I have a question how to find woman?

  • Kathryn Kathryn says:

    Hi D Anderson. I found your remarks quite interesting and especially as the blog is about men that don’t want sex and you have turned it around a bit. Well, of course we all have our own experiences and although I understand that men do usually want sex more than women and talk about it with their mates a lot more, I have to say that the marriage relationship is about much more than kinky sex. Also, in my experience of counselling people, especially younger people, porn often becomes a problem in puberty and the present climate fosters it thus causing unrealistic expectations for future marital relationships. Actually, the Bible is a very good guide for married couples because it advises the couple to think more of their partner than of their own satisfaction. When this is practiced by both parties, a real closeness and intimacy grows us which results in the “becoming one flesh” which is the true goal of marriage as God created it.

  • D Anderson says:

    I’m that guy except you have so much of it wrong. In fact, most of my male friends agree that sex with their wife is no longer pleasurable for a couple of predominant reasons. Let me clarify that I am going to mostly refer to men I know over 30 and under 60.

    First and foremost is how good a woman is in bed. I can’t tell you how many breaks I’ve had with men(on the job) where we end up talking about how pathetic our wives are in bed. Boring, infrequent sex. Our libido overrides that when we are young, but as we age, we still want sex as often(usually) but it’s much harder to overcome lack of sexual prowess on our wife’s part. My wife in particular may want sex 3 times in one week but usually, she can go a few weeks and not miss it. This kind of erratic sexual behavior kills a guys desire. Our libido is a metronome. All you have to do is calculate the time since sex to know if we want sex.

    Yeah, our wives are also different versions of a male a–hole. This can also remove our desire.

    In many cases, our wife’s appearance is so lacking that we simply have zero sexual arousal for them. I love my wife. We are close, I love to snuggle and spend a lot of ‘friendship’ time together. Never has this kind of interaction made me aroused. Sexuality makes men aroused along with looks. Remove one of those and you rarely have direct arousal. If we have sex with one or less of these qualities we are usually just masturbating using our wife’s body. I am no advocate of doing this, but we are left little recourse. If our wives do not intentionally arouse us, it’s likely that we aren’t aroused by them. I know a few guys who’s wives are JUST THAT HOT. I’d rather have a sexual woman than a 10…

    In regard to porn… I do agree that it can sap sexual desire and should be avoided. But what isn’t talked about is WHY men look at porn. Most men I know started looking at porn because their wife just sucks in bed or does little to be visually appealing. I’m not talking about being a model but that doesn’t mean a woman has to hide under a gunny sack either. This is more about body language and sexuality than it is about ideal beauty.

    So, once sex sucks, the years pile on with little or no concern from our wives. It’s then that men throw in the towel and turn to porn. We don’t want to cheat but we have a strong sex drive. Just not strong enough to overcome the road blocks our wife’s throw down in front of sex.

    Lastly, making sex all about emotion is problematic. That’s like saying I like movies… yeah, well, what if I like gore and horror and my wife likes stupid comedies? Both are movies right? The same goes with sensuality as the ONLY way to express emotion. I can say first hand that if my wife wants to make out and make love(as a style) I am struggling to stay focused on her while maintaining arousal. I’ve been this way since my first erection. If my wife is a kinky animal in bed and sex is more athletic, I’m 100% focused on her and feel deeply attached. Nothing makes me fall in love over and over like amazing sex. I can have sensual sex all day long and feel used and empty. Why? It’s simply not how I express love or feel loved. I’m tired of the estrogen centric mentality that the only way to express deep love is to be sensual. Name one man who talks longingly about the woman who had rose peddles and candles while making love. No, he’s going to long for the woman who tore his clothes off and did kinky things. He will bond with her and not the woman with the rose peddles.

    So, you are wrong in most cases. Most men lose interest in their wife BECAUSE of their wife. These articles are pandering to get women to endorse and frequent their business. Tell them the real truth. The hard thing. Tell them LOTS of KINKY sex will change things.

    Sure, one in 1000 men will still not care about sex. But most of us will FINALLY get sex worth having. How about if all of the hyperbole is removed and women just get insanely good at sex… and frequently at that. Don’t rail on my, just try it. Try it long enough to retrain your man to believe you are not only good at sex but he will get sex often enough to walk away from porn instead of KNOWING you will only want sex 1/4th as often so why quit porn…

    Try it THEN tell me it doesn’t work. Otherwise, you are simply defending your version of what sex should be like. In that case, your man will avoid sex and stick with porn(or cheating)

  • Aldo Aldo says:

    Sex, below is a website that maybe very helpful in advising you and solving your problem.

    May God bless your relationship with your husband.

  • sex says:

    Before I reveal my problems, to introduce myself, I am a 39 years old woman, married with 33 years old man and have two kids. I married in the age of 35 and have a baby in the same year and again after 1½ years I gave a birth to another baby. We four of us are living together.
    My Husband is very sexy and has a high sexual desires, he always wants to have sex with me – three to four times a day, where I am not interested and he always masturbates – three to four times a day. I am not at all interested in having sex with him and he gets annoyed and masturbates there and there itself in front of me.
    The problem with me is that I don’t want to have sex. My sexual desire is very low and it does not at all get arose with me. Please advise me with the possible solutions to increase my sexual desire and make my Hubby Happy.
    With regards
    Before I reveal my problems, to introduce myself, I am a 39 years old woman, married with 33 years old man and have two kids. I married in the age of 35 and have a baby in the same year and again after 1½ years I gave a birth to another baby. We four of us are living together.
    My Husband is very sexy and has a high sexual desires, he always wants to have sex with me – three to four times a day, where I am not interested and he always masturbates – three to four times a day. I am not at all interested in having sex with him and he gets annoyed and masturbates there and there itself in front of me.
    The problem with me is that I don’t want to have sex. My sexual desire is very low and it does not at all get arose with me. Please advise me with the possible solutions to increase my sexual desire and make my Hubby Happy.
    With regards

  • Trish Hicks Trish Hicks says:

    Dear Tonya,
    True it doesn’t say anywhere in the bible that you must stay in an unhappy marriage.However nor does he say that its a reason to leave. In God’s eyes the only reason he will accept a divorce for is adultry.However here is a site you really need to consider reading it tells all about what God thinks about staying in unhappy marriages. Just for the simple reason of the feelings of unhappiness. I don’t know too much more about it.Because one divorce in my life is enough i have had it. I know God looks at divorce as an abomination. And although my marriage needs alot of work. I don’t really want to displease the Lord.God is the most important one in my life anyway so i just mainly focus on him.But you really may want to look at this page before making any rash decisions. Let me pray:

    Oh heavenly Father,
    I lift up Tonya Lord God so that you Lord God, will do a work on her emotions Lord God that will stabilize her thinking.I thank you Lord for doing so ,Lord God i also speak Lord God that she will make the right decisions Lord according to your will Father. In Jesus mighty name of Jesus Christ.

  • tonya says:

    Yes I do think if you are not happy leave ypur husband. No reason to stay in a marriage for years and not be satisfied. I don’t see anywhere in the bible a woman must lI’ve unhapppily. And yes if you and your spouse can not seperate due to finances these days. Then have a open marriage. No man should ever ask a woman not to feel loved or be held and touched. Vice versa for women asking men to do that. God doesn’t say stay in a unhappy marriage.

  • Elkay Elkay says:

    Amy, its trite to say “when life deals lemons, make lemonade” but it is true and you seem to have done this successfully. I admire your fidelity to a man who does not seem to love you in the traditional sense and certainly volunteering at church has its rewards.

    Tonya, do you really believe that the basis of a true relationship is being married but openly “dating” other men and having affairs? And not caring about your husband’s tears? Real love means putting your mate’s needs before yours, no matter whether you are his wife or her husband (Eph 5:25; 1 Peter 3:7). And the only way to stand rightly before God is to have a forgiving spirit (Matt 6:15).

  • Amy says:

    Having an affair would be great but first I’ve just had a hysterectomy witch I’m sure my husband knows nothing about and after all these years I’ve lost my desire for sex and all men. And with my operation it pretty much seals the deal no interest any more. I don’t want people to pity me for it was my own fault for not leaving him. Being in my mid 60’s now and don’t want younger ladies to fall prey to a man like my husband. Get out, get a divorce or an anullment just get away. He never had any affairs or is gay because I’ve spent a lot of money to have him followed and these people just told me it was easiest 500.00 a day that they made. He does nothing what so ever out of the ordinary. Ya know if he was gay or was having an affair at least I would know he loved and wanted some body. He cares for no one and by the way he looks and dresses I can’t see any one loving him or wanting him.

  • Chris Chris says:

    cristal…i regret to hear of your situation. its so important to allow christ to become the heads of our families if we want them to function the way that they should. this means that first you need to let jesus have control of your heart so you can begin guiding your husband by your changed life for him to receive christ also. you can find out more on how to do this and why its so important at… or click talk to a mentor above. i pray that you would see that marriage without christ is as bad as life without christ, empty, meaningless and witout a true connection to him who is our life. i pray jesus becomes real and important to you so much as you are to him, in his name i pray amen

  • Crystal says:

    Long story short. My husband and i used to be real big times freaks we got married amd have a 4 month baby. After the baby came along he seems not to make a move to have sex. His always playing his video games or watching movies or always on his phone.. i try talking to him about putting attenting to me but he says he dosemt mean it. I know he watches porn and i dont we ha e sex maybe omce every 2 weeksi dont know how to deal with this sex issue first marriage first baby daddy. I need some advice or something.

  • Adelaida says:

    I agree that you should talk to your husband and ask him to open up with you and share his struggles in this area. Perhaps, it’s his temperament, or, perhaps, he needs somethign else in this area. My husband and I had some issues in this particular area too because our sex life got so dull, as he confessed to me. Well, we just mad? it more interesting – used more positions and even some sex toys. I also oredered some Ben Wa Balls and he says that they made intercourse feel better. They look like this –

  • Bella says:

    hi. never have posted before. long story short. i want sex more than my husband. it is super frustrating. he says he just is not as interested as he use to be. honestly it has been this way our entire married life 22 years. i feel he had his fun before we met. i dream about being pursued and cherished. we both love God. what do I do?

  • TandT says:

    Actually just went through this with my husband.. Here is what i’ve learned and i hope it helps you. Love language!!! Mine is Acts of Service and my husbands is Quality Time.. Big difference here, for years we have been fighting the sex issue, i have had to act by myself for many years, it’s made me feel horrible about myself, caused many fights about it and to no avail did the issue fix, untill couple weeks ago when we had come back together after some time apart. ( it should never have went that far ) I’ve known for years that God created us different, men need sex to feel loved and respected and women want sex after feeling loved and emotionally filled!!! this is where the confusion and issues set in. So i wasn’t being filled which made me feel unloved which caused me to have quick no fun sex that i thought was good enough for him to feel loved and would do the job but he could tell that i didn’t enjoy it and to him in his mind i was only doing it because i felt i had too, you know so he wouldn’t stray! Well truth be told that’s exactly why i was doing it! So he stopped trying feeling unloved and like i didn’t really want to have sex at all. But i just wanted to feel like he loved me but that would take him doing my Acts of Service and that was hard for him. Spending time with me ( Quality Time ) was his Love not mine so it did nothing for me and me working my butt off and doing things for him was my Love not his. See we often show our Spouse we love them with our own LOVE LANGUAGE which dosen’t work unless their the same, which doesn’t happen often. So long story short, this ended up with some other issues causing us to think about divorce and Thanks to Jesus for helping us through! That did not happen… Here’s what i have figured out. My husband needed to feel Loved with sex and without sex, He needs Quality Time spent everyday for just a few minutes ( that’s hard for me ) I need him to do things for me with out having to beg ( that’s hard for him ) But it’s possible… There’s HOPE! He has been doing things around the house laundry, dishes taking kids to school so that i could sleep in and feeding the dogs, ect…. This has caused him to be SUPER Hot and has made me feel so Much LOVE from his that well i can’t seem to keep my hands off, which is his 2nd love language ( physical touch ) It has also given me more time since everythings done by the time the kids are in bed to spend more time just us together which is what he needs most ( Quality Time )… It’s not perfect and after 13 years of doing it wrong i can see a glimpse of Hope and Love returning to our marriage! Get and read Gary Chapman’s 5 LOVE LANGUAGE’S read and then both of you take the test in the back of the book. It will not be easy but it will open both of your eyes and hopefully help with some of the issues!

  • sanjana says:

    my husband does not want to ve sex , if i did not force him he became so happy to sleep, is the reason that in past days he had sex with many gals or he ve an physical problem,or affair with other gal , do we know that still he is having sex with other gals , how can we know pls help me,

  • madhu says:

    Sir,we married 10 year back

  • Rachel says:

    I was writing on this thread a few years ago and actually just discovered it in my spam box. Jesus Christ is at the center of my life. I suffered through years of being married to a partner I supported in every way possible in order to honor the Lord in this marriage. He counseled with our pastor for 2 years and finally the pastor gave up on not only being able to help him as a husband but also help him to love the Lord and other people. Our marriage went through years of him not participating sexually, but saying he desired me. I was even giving him testosterone injections through our doctor’s recommendation. I chose to not be unfaithful but felt that God had passed me by

    I was introduced to a friend of his in the context of sharing gospel music and the three of us performing together at a college. He was and is a godly man full of love for the Lord and giving to other people. We came to his house to practice every week and cook food. I was not even looking for another partner until it came up on my blind side one day that I was thinking about him alot.

    It went on like this for a year. I learned my husband was embezzling money from my business and driving around with an unregistered gun in his car and I moved on from him. It was year and a half ago I remarried and every moment has been blissfully happy in our lives and no, the honeymoon isn’t over and never will be. We go to school together, work in our office together, ride our tractors together, go fishing together and have never even gone to the store without one another. He is my true love, the Love of my Life that God ordained for me from the foundations of the forming of the universe. I say, be faithful to your partner until God moves you on if he is going to. I suffered for 10 years trying to change and wait on him…finally it all became clear.

    An update on my ex-husband: he is in another city, preferring to spend life on the seamy side of town in the gutters. He engages in 900# porn telephone calls, including child porno and I would suspect that he is due for some disaster. He is on disability but carries a wad of cash that can only be stolen or acquired from some kind of “favors”. He was living with his Mom for awhile here and she has stated that she does not want him to come back to this state ever.

    I just want to say that, what you think is going on in his mind (tired, unmotivated, past sexual interest, etc) could be very far from the truth.

  • Chris Chris says:

    amy…we praise jesus for your life! for your resolve! and for your dedication to christ even when your lifes circumstances havent gone the way you would have liked, you didnt let that stop you from being faithful to jesus. now i pray also that jesus would bless you in the best way he knows best for you and gives you the desires of your heart still in jesus name amen!

  • tonya says:

    Amy, its time to realize what a true relationship is. Have an affair openly. Who cares about money. Don’t let your life go by not experencing a fullfilling relationship. Don’t hide it from your husband or men you date. Just be honest with them. And start really living. You married a man who I bet has plenty of affairs on you. He is either gay or he is a pig. Embrace life. We can cry over these men, or let them know enough is enough and do something about it. My husband had to learn that I have needs and it was to late for him to be the one meet them. He can cry all he wants but guess what I dont care. He didn’t care about me then why now. Every bad man can and will be replaced with a good one. Vice versa for women.

  • Amy says:

    You can’t change any one who doesn’t want to change!
    I’ve been trying for 47 years to change my husband, instead I changed myself. I gave up trying and do my own thing. We don’t have a lot of money for me to just leave but for the 30 years or so I volenteer at my church.
    Sex for me never happened in all these years, that’s right I’m still a virgin.
    Husband hasn’t talked or even lived on the same floor I live on for over 40 years.

  • Rashid says:

    very easy don pay attention to sex just pay attention on him just show your charm pl. Tell him you only care for him more than anything he will be all for you. blessing

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