Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!

Written by Dr. Dave Currie

You might feel like you’re alone in this, but you’re not. Free email mentoring is available today. Request a mentor.  Also in this series: She Doesn’t Want Sex.

So often I hear about how much men need sex, but my husband has no interest in sex. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my husband want me?

Donalyn: Well first of all, there is nothing wrong with you! The first response of most women in your situation is to second-guess or blame themselves. While your husband’s lack of desire is certainly a problem, it is most likely not a problem with you. In fact, most sexual problems aren’t sexual at all.

Dave: That is right Donalyn. We sometimes have the idea that for men, the sexual experience is detached from what is going on inside. In reality, a man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desire. If he feels emotionally distant from his wife, and especially if he feels like a failure in any way, it can lead to a lack of confidence and therefore a lack of interest in sex. For a man, sexual performance is very much tied to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself it will definitely show up in his approach to sexual intimacy with his wife.

Donalyn: As women, we know that our sexual appetite is diminished when we do not feel connected to our husbands, or if there is unresolved anger between us. But we forget that our husband’s sex drive can also suffer for these same reasons. Likewise, if a man is overworked or under a lot of stress, whether inside or outside the home, sexual interest may start to take a back seat.

Love & God
What does God have to do with love?
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.

Dave: Of course, there are all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here too. If your husband has had any struggles with erectile dysfunction, that is likely a huge contributing factor. If he is feeling any lack of confidence in his ability to perform, he will almost certainly shy away from physical intimacy. Libido is also significantly impacted by testosterone levels, so if your husband has low testosterone, that could be the cause. Drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, may hinder the sexual desire. The good news is that many of the physical factors are very treatable, so it may be time for your husband to have a doctor’s appointment to get some help with this.

Donalyn: Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which are not so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person’s involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities. That is becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the Internet.

Dave: It is true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it’s a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.

Donalyn: So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he is just getting those needs met elsewhere.

Dave: Exactly. And it is not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a variety of fantasy sources, combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping women out and fantasizing about them later. Others give into their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be “neuter” for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there does not seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.

Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.

Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.

Donalyn: I would ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest. Ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Maybe he knows exactly what the problem is, or perhaps you will have to work through it together to discover what lies at the root. The best thing you can do is approach it as a team. He cannot be made to feel like this is all his problem to solve on his own. He needs to know that you are on the same side. So share with him your needs and your desires – how you would like things to be. Then work together to get there.

Dave: That is right. Support him throughout the process as he works through his fears and insecurity. Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.

Donalyn: Right. But that is tough to do if you discover that pornography or other illegitimate behaviors are part of the picture.

Dave: Yes, that is very true. But if you do suspect that this is a factor, you are going to ask him the tough questions about where he is having his sexual needs met. And as hard as it will be, if your husband has the courage to open up with you and share his struggles in this area, he will need your support. These issues can be worked through and overcome, but not without a great deal of patience and understanding.

Donalyn: It is also important to find out if there is anything that you have been doing to contribute to the problem. Not that it ever excuses wrong behavior on his part, but you need to know if you have said or done anything to turn him away from you. It may be that you have a critical spirit, that you have been controlling him or cutting him down, or that you are making him feel less of a man. If so, these are behaviors that you can take responsibility for and begin to change, in order to improve the situation between you.

Dave: Absolutely. If a man is feeling constantly criticized or dominated, it creates big damage to his self-worth, and that filters down to his sexual interest. So find out what issues may be coming between you and take positive steps to resolve them. You might even read some marriage and sexuality resources to help you through this process. Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman and Staying Close, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey are good places to start.

Donalyn: Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.

Dave: Keep in mind 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”

While I would not necessarily recommend preaching at your husband, every couple needs to remember that depriving or denying each other increases the temptation to have sexual needs met elsewhere. Again, it never legitimizes it. But a wise person will work to keep their spouse satisfied within the marriage.

Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Does your sex life need help? Find out why men can have a low sex drive.

Learn more about intimacy anorexia

devo-interact-icon-42x42So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately so one of our confidential mentors will contact you, or make a comment below.

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1,342 Responses to “Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!”

  • Hammy says:

    Hi Susma,

    I feel that trying to have a baby so as to get your husband’s heart back is not a good idea. A baby should be made out of LOVE. Otherwise, it will not be able to grow properly if the parent’s relationship is not harmonious.

    Do what you can within your capacity to restore the relationship but it takes 2 hands to clap so you have to decide what’s best for you and your child. Pray to Jesus for guidance what you need to do.

    My husband is also not having sex with me but I am fortunate in the sense that we are communicating and working on our problems together and we still maintain physical intimacy. I trust God that this is temporary and as long as I do my part in solving the issue, God will help to restore us.

    I know sometimes we feel really resentful that he is not doing his part but sex is something that we can’t force another person to do. So one way is try not to get too fixated on the idea of sex in the marriage. Focus on the goodness you experience in the relationship however much there is. Enjoy your little girl and focus on educating her well. It will take time and alot of patience to restore your relationship before you would want to even talk about sex.

    I can imagine how hard this is for you but do take some time to reflect on your own pattern to see how your ways could have affected the relationship and see how you can make some changes. It may not be you fault but still worth investigating.

    In my case, I have a controlling nature and over the years it became anxiety and depression. This had affected my relationship with hubby. I am taking 90% of the blame because I know for things to get better, I have to put in more effort on my part as he has always been kind, patient and loving to me and kids.

    Please remember, whatever problem you are facing now, trust God that He will take this and make it into something good for you (but you must put in positive and wise effort). It may not be easy and it may not be fast but with God’s help, you will get thru this.

    I will keep you in my daily prayer for this week and may you grow from strength to strength as the days go by. God will be with you, don’t feel sad.

    Love & Hugs!
    Hammy

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Susma, I am sorry to hear that you are facing such a hard issue. There is no pill that will make your husband want to have sex with you, but seeing a counsellor might help the two of you sort things out. It sounds like you’re having some communication issues. Are you still living together? Do you trust him? Is he kind toward you? Fixing a marriage is not easy but it may be possible if you can get some help. Your gynaecologist might be able to suggest a place where you can get counselling. Are there other resources in your community?

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Sofia – Divorce is the very last option, not the first thing to suggest. Yes, Susma’s situation is a serious one but there are other things to try first. Be careful not to assume the thoughts of someone you have not met.

  • Sofia says:

    Susma, I think U need a divorce, if your man it’s not sleeping with U, and having an affear with a student, why would you like to stay with a man that doesn’t love U? Take him to the bank for all he has. He has not regards for his family, you, your kid and your marriage. He is a pig. Set your self free, and find happiness somewhere else. You will recover, it will be hard but worth it. God bless U & your daughter.

  • susma says:

    Hi
    My hubby didn’t having sex with me.He is not having sex for past 5years.we are having one female kid .I thought if he had sex with me another kid will come so he avoided me (because due to financial commitment I had abortions for two time).But he is having sex with her student that I came to know, I really got angry and depressed. Now I am feared of my life. What I am thinking means if I got another child then during delivery family planning operation has also finished then he will never leave me alone I think.but the problem is he is not having sex with me what to do? .is there any pills for him to have sex with me.my gynecology suggest I will tell the ovulation period then you have intercourse with him.but the problem was he is not coming to me if I go and touch him he is avoiding what to do.please tell a good solution is thete any pills to induce him ..please help me.

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God.

    Lord I lift up my sister’s to You at this time in the lives that you will heal them and comfort them in there time of need.

  • Tiffany says:

    I’m not sure if this matters, but a little more about us: we have been married 5years. I am 31, he is 42. Neither of us have been previously married. We both decided we wanted children prior to marriage, and at first I thought that his decision to no longer want them and my disappointment could have played a role in the lack of intimacy over the last 1.5yrs. But, that started 6months prior. I already shared that we have not had sex in the last year, but the year before we may have only been together 3 times? Hope this gives a little more insight to what I previously shared. Thanks. I would like to say my husband does provide for me and is not abusive. I am thankful for this.

  • Tiffany says:

    Hi. I’ve been struggling with issues of a lack of intimacy in out marriage for two years now. It’s somewhat difficult to talk about. It started with my husbands lack of intimacy towards me. I was feeling unloved. You see I know my love language is physical touch. I tried to explain this to my husband long ago. I also know what his love languages are and try to make sure I love him in that way (acts if kindness). I asked him to read the book “five love languages” yet he never would…
    Fast forward to 2012. He told me he didn’t want children. I made sure we discussed the idea of having children prior to marriage. Motherhood is the only thing I’ve ever wanted. As a small girl I never dreamed of being a professional athlete or nurse, I wanted to be a mommy and wife. He knew my desires, yet he has chosen otherwise 3years following our vows. I went through the grieving process (I was in denial for the longest) but he confirmed to me last summer that “no” he doesn’t want kids. It has also be a year since we have had sex. At first I would try to initiate it, but after being turned down so many times, I stopped trying. You see my self esteem was really beginning to be effected…my husband doesn’t want to make love to me, he is not intimate with me in any way except a peck on the lips when he leaves the house, and he doesn’t want to have children with me. His lack of intimacy started two years ago. I have seeked God’s word. I have prayed for the strength to handle this, yet I still hurt. Gods plan for marriage was never divorce and I believe in “for better or worse.” I am doing better. I am not as deeply depressed as I was last fall in which I felt like I was consumed by a dark thick cloud. Many dear family members were praying for me, for us. I didn’t share details just that our marriage needed prayer. I have begun to feel better, I choose to love my husband daily, showing him I love him in the way I know he feels loved. My love tank is just so empty…what should I do? What tools are out there to help me?

  • Savannah says:

    I’m 22 years old my husband is 23. We have known each other since we were 13-14 and coming this April 18th 2014, will be our one year wedding anniversary. Before we got married sex wasn’t an issue, it happened every day. When we married we prayed for forgiveness for that, but ever since our wedding we have sex MAYBE once a week. Well, its been two weeks since we have had sex. And when we do have sex its only until he is done, I very rarely get off. Even when it comes to kissing there is no passion. I know we aren’t thirteen anymore but I need more then just a peck on the lips once a day. I don’t know how many nights I’ve cried my eyes out. How angry I’ve been. I understand that stress takes a total, but we are young, this shouldn’t be a problem. We are still kinda newly weds, and there is NO passion. I’m at wits end, and I come from a broken family, we both do and I don’t know how to fix this. I’ve tried talking, and he just blows me off and says “whatever”. I do have a toy, and my literal thought when I use it is, “well my husband wont satisfy me…” I just want my husband. I feel very unloved and unwanted.

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Mandy – first things first I do not think that God is punishing you. When God corrects us he always gives us a way forward. He doesn’t just say, “Don’t do that!” he says, “do this instead”. God loves you and he is for your marriage, not against it.

    So where do we go from here? You’ve said that every other area of your marriage is great and that’s a very strong place to start from. You have trust and great affection for each other and you’re great communicators. That’s really positive. Not having sex for so long is not the way that it’s supposed to be and it’s not going to support a healthy marriage. So what can we do?

    Ask your husband if he’d be willing to see a doctor or a counsellor (maybe both) with you. No one likes talking to a doctor about their genitals but there could be a medical reason for his low sex drive and if so that’s often easily fixed. A counsellor can help you figure out the root of the issue. Problems in the bedroom almost always start outside the bedroom. It could be that he is exhausted, stressed, feels inadequate, feels distant. There could be an issue from the past that is bubbling up or something else that has happened. A counsellor can help you find the issue and work through it so that your sex life can be restored.

    Take heart, it does not have to be this way. Your husband may be very sensitive about this issue so be really, really gentle as you talk to him. Let him know that you love him and you’re not going anywhere but you miss his touch and want to be intimate with him. Speak words of praise and support and let him know that this is not anything thing that he has to fix but rather something the two of you are going to pursue together. Things can improve.

  • Mandy says:

    This problem has really depressed me today and I decided to google and find out the problems. I’m a practising Christian and heaven knows I’ve tried all options. My husband loves me and I know that. We are very close and EVERY other thing is doing great. I have 4 kids( which is a miracle considering the lack of sex). I noticed this problem as soon as we got married. This is 6 years going on 7 years and truly I’m almost breaking, I’ve done everything you’ve written here and more yet NOTHING. I rember God says in the book of Isaiah ” Is there anything too hard for me to do?” , frankly speaking I don’t know if I did something wrong that God is punishing me for. I mean 61/2 years WITHOUT sex AT ALL. I’ve been married for 15′+ years and I’m sure we’ve not made love up to 15 times

  • Tia Glenn-Cooke Tia Glenn-Cooke says:

    Hi Lac! It’s great that you’re a problem solver – have you thought about maybe seeing a counsellor with your husband? It might be better for your relationship to talk about your individual struggles and desires with sex. It has worked for many, many couples before you, and might be good not just to regulate your sex-life but to bring you closer together as a couple.

  • lac says:

    spearmint tea….

  • lac says:

    my husband’s drive is low, mine is high. I have found that by drinking spearmint tea I can lower my drive and we are on the same page. Im no longer miserable. people shouldnt have to kill their sex drives, but one cannot make someone else change. so you either adapt or go crazy. I dont even care anymore if we ever have sex again. spearmint tea is great and Im trying to let everyone know about it, who is in the same situation as I am….. try it, it works. I use one tea bag all day….just keep adding water and heating in microwave…..

  • Hammy says:

    Dear Kate,
    Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom on handling my kind of issue. I will keep your advise in my journal as an encouragement. You are right I should focus on being grateful and thankful on what my husband has been providing and not on things that he cannot. I ask God forgiveness for being so demanding and pray for strength to keep being hopeful that the dessert is still there when I finish my actual meal :) I am working on myself using Bible based self-help books and video and I pray everyday for progress and self-forgiveness. I think counseling will help but I am just not comfortable about the idea. I have been a stay at home mom for 13 years and my self-esteem is quite beaten. The kids are in their teens and the empty nest feeling is creeping in. I have no close friends that I can trust to talk about such problems. I am very grateful to you and it’s amazing your comforting words come from thousands of miles away. It feels so good to hear from someone who understands and empathizes. Thank you!

  • Kate Kate says:

    Hi Hammy,

    My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing honestly here. I can imagine the sadness and anger that would come with feeling unwanted sexually. Intimacy is a very delicate dance, one of give and take, where our partner sees everything… and we want their love to cover our places of shame, not to expose them. Vulnerability is very precious and we want our partner to acknowledge how precious a gift it is when we make ourselves vulnerable.

    Perhaps if I were in your shoes I might consider talking with a counsellor to sort through my depression, also to come up with healthy coping methods and healthy relationship-building skills. Would you consider something like this?

    Another thing that comes to mind is a picture, it is a bit strange, but let me attempt to share this picture with you anyway. It is a picture of a child eating a meal. His mom reminds him to finish his vegetables, otherwise there will be no dessert. I guess sometimes working through our relationships is a bit like this… we have to go through some parts that we don’t like, that aren’t quite as sweet, but are necessary and healthy for our growth. As long as your husband is being affectionate, investing time with you, really making an effort… then maybe try to receive it, to seek out all the ‘nutrition and growth’ from this time, really focusing on what is happening and growing through it. Maybe try not to think ahead to what you ‘really want’ and focus on being grateful, thankful, truly in the moment.

    I want to pray for you now: Heavenly Father, we want to participate in Your Kingdom come. Anoint us to play our part in ministering to the people You have placed us in relationship with. Bless us with wisdom to discern what is happening and to make good choices. Bless Hammy as she walks forward, drawing her to Yourself, helping her to see You more clearly as You are, in the midst of their situation. Pour out Your healing in their hearts and bond her with her husband, in growing intimacy and love. Thank You Father for hearing and answering these prayers in Your way, in Your time, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

    Grace and peace to you Hammy!

    Kate

  • Hammy says:

    Hi,

    My husband stopped having sex with me since middle of last year. He had been very busy with his business and I thought he was stressed by work. When asked why, he just said he was stress but did not mentioned by what.

    We have had a decent sex life before at least for my standard. A couple of times a month. But that had dwindled down to nothing and has been so for almost a year.

    My frustration turn to anger and crying and I told him how low he made me feel to have to ask him for sex. I could only think of 2 reasons:
    He either get his gratification from porn or he has emotional issues with me. He admitted it was the latter and said my negative outlook of life affects him very much. I guess he was referring to my depression.

    I must say my problem isn’t as big as some of the woman’s stories I read about whose husbands refuse sex with them. At least he still cuddles and kiss me and is loving in his ways. There is physical affection but just not the sexual type.

    We agreed we will work on our own problem. For him, his emotion towards me and for me, to be more positive in life by having greater faith in God.

    I could see that he is trying. He hugs and cuddle me more than ever. Sometime he seems to make advances but I still feel anger inside for how he had made me feel. I also doubt he genuinely wants sex. I don’t wish him to have sex with me out of pity. What should I do? How do I not feel that he is making love because he feel sorry for me and not because He truly want that physical bond?

  • Michael Jantzen M. Jantzen says:

    Hello Bell,

    My heart was saddened as I read about your struggle. You crave intimacy with your husband, which is perfectly natural for you to desire. But as you say: “I’m just really sad and lonely and loosing hope.”
    It seems like your husband is just content to not deal with the pain of the past that is causing his disinterest in sex. Does he ever seem to make the connection? Have you expressed to him the sense of loss you are experiencing? He needs to hear that, even if it hurts his feelings.

    If you go to this article, http://powertochange.com/family-life-canada/childhood-sexual-abuse/ it has really great info on how past abuse can affect us, plus there are a lot of links to other useful articles too.

    Would you like someone to journey with you down this very tough road. We have confidential online mentors ready to help. If you fill out this form: http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor/ we will connect you with someone who will listen, encourage and offer wisdom. This is a charity, so we never ask people to pay for the mentoring service. Take care.

  • Bell says:

    I have been struggling with this for years. When we first met before we were saved I was the sexual aggressor, which had a lot to do with having been sexually abused as a child. I didn’t realzie how deep this problem was until we were saved and the drugs stopped. A few months after we were married he told me we could never have sex again. I cried alot that night and prayed even more. I knew I loved him and there is more to life than sex. Our sex life was sparse maybe 7-10 times a year. Always with me being the one to start, encourage or provoke. A few times he has. He was abused as a child as well and I feel this is the root of the problem. I have prayed to God to cut my libido and he has and I can function with so little physical contact. This has been going on for 15 years. I keep hoping he will heal. There have been times we have gone to couseling and he is always first to let them know he has no real interest in sex and yet no one has offered a possibility that, that could be problem to the marriage. They have been christian couselors. Again the other night he shared with me that God had taken away his desire for sex. That only made me sad and a little afraid because it’s still denial, it’s still not getting to the root of the problem and it leaves me open and vulnerable to temptation. I know it’s not God’s will and I also know how much damage it is doing to this marriage. I also realize there is no real deep intimacy in this marriage because he’s still closed off. He’s still bitter, towards me and to be honest I’m not really sure he even loves me. I’ve apologized for the wrong I’ve done and have become meek. I’ve endured his verbal abuse and disinterest. I’ve replied love to his rage There really is nothing more I can do to change this and I’m not the one in control of his behavior or actions, nor do I want to be. Actually I’m just really sad and lonely and loosing hope.

  • jamil ch says:

    My old is 27 years I am live in Pakistan Islamabad

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God.

    Lord I lift up my sister to You at this time in her life, that you will bring comfort and grace to her and her husband. I pray that you will deliver this activity that her husband is doing and that they will rededicate there lives to You. In Jesus Mighty name Amen

  • Rebecca says:

    My husband doesn’t want sex. EVER. In fact, he told me in December that he has no interest in a physical relationship with me or anyone else. We have been married for 6 1/2 years. We had sex a few times before we were married, but not at all after. It didn’t bother me for a long time, due to abuse from my previous boyfriend. Now I feel ugly and unwanted and like a live-in maid who also works outside the home full time. Neither of us were Christian before we got married (we had both been raised in church, but had drifted). I rediscovered Christianity in 2009, and my husband has no interest in going to church with me and sometimes makes fun of Christianity, though he tells me he has no problem with my desire to grow in faith.
    I discovered porn websites on his computer about a year ago. When I look at his browsing history, it looks like he visits porn sites a couple times per week (sometimess while I am at worship service!) I confronted him about it, but he denies it’s a problem. I don’t know what to do.

  • Doris Beck D. Beck says:

    Anonymous, you have definitely got a problem and you need to get some help!

    You recognize that so it’s time to do something about it. Here are a couple of excellent websites that can help you. http://www.x3pure.com/ is a great resource which has online video workshops with a 30 day video curriculum for men, women, couples or parents dealing with pornography recovery. Please check it out. Get serious about getting help.

    Be Broken Ministries – for men and women ensnared in sexual additions: http://2.bebroken.com

    Pure Life Ministries – support and information on sexual addicted men: http://www.purelifeministries.org

    Any of these sites is a good place to start. The recognition that you can’t do it alone is a great place to start….now move forward and do something about it. :-)

  • Anonymous says:

    I stopped having sex with my wife some four years ago, and here’s my problem: I’ve watched too much pornography, I desire other women, my wife has lost her health, I have unfulfilled professional dreams, I have faced several work problems and financial problems. I don’t know what to do about it! I’m afraid I am no longer physically attracted to my wife, who doesn’t look at all like she did when we married, and I don’t get aroused when I see her naked. I also have low testosterone and vitamin D, and I’m sleepy and exhausted all the time. I recently lost my job, due to no fault of mine, and I spend most of my time playing video games, sleeping, and watching t.v. (sometimes porn, like an hour per day or less). If someone can help me, I would really appreciate it.

  • Sharon says:

    I am in the same boat! It’s going into the second year of no sex. I have initiated so many times and have been rejected I cannot do it anymore. I cannot take it anymore. We talk about and talk about and nothing. I always look good, workout and have lost 80 lbs a year ago and still nothing. I am very close to finding someone just to have sex but I love my husband so much. Any ideas will help please I am dying here!

  • Tia Glenn-Cooke T. Glenn-Cooke says:

    Hi Practical Xperience,
    I have to say that I disagree with you. The Bible is full of examples of people who have struggled and triumphed, but it is definitely not just a guideline. Joseph’s forgiveness is a perfect foreshadowing to Christ’s teachings on forgiveness. King David’s sin is a caution: his relationship with God, an example of how we can relate to Him as well.
    It sounds to me like you are trying to justify cheating on a spouse, a giant step away from the marriage covenant–something that the Bible definitely doesn’t condone. There is always room for reconciliation, and never an excuse to choose something other than the love Christ calls us to.

  • lookingup lookingup says:

    to ghala: Actually the Bible does address this issue in 1 Corinthians chapter 7. Here scripture tells us that we are not to deprive one another except by mutual consent and for a time so that you can devote yourselves to prayer.
    You can read this short article on this.
    http://www.gotquestions.org/how-often-sex.html

  • Practical Xperience says:

    Bible was just a guideline. Joseph forgiving his brothers because that was Joseph and thats not you, unless you choose to be him. You are not King David unless God chosen you to be like him.

    The man doesn’t want to have sex with you becaused you had pissed him off and let him starved for a long time.

    Now, he found sex snacks outside of home. It is make sense and very practical. If your wife can’t cook…just dining out alone will do. There is lots of variety and great food. If the food is cold at home, go grab some hot ones outside.

    She said she was a lousy chef because she doesn’t even bother to learn on how to cook better.

  • Michael Jantzen M. Jantzen says:

    Hi Ghala, Thank your for your comment; sometimes I also wish the Bible was more specific on some things. But I do find that the truth it contains is powerful for changing us from the inside out when we connect with God’s power through the Holy Spirit and walk with God consistently. I would encourage you to get in touch with one of our confidential email mentors http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ for encouragement and to help you process what you’re going through. Take care.

  • ghala says:

    I am a Christian…I wish the Bible addressed this issue.

  • Jennifer says:

    My husband and I had a healthy sex life when we were dating and around the time we got engaged it totally stopped. I am lucky to get some maybe 1 time per month but more like every other. We have gone to doctors who say his testosterone levels are low but not low enough to give him testosterone supplements and that everything else looks fine health wise. They suggested that maybe he should work out and that will help him because he is a little overweight, but you can barely tell at 6’2. I thought at first it was a phase and that every relationship has highs and lows in their sexual relationship, but it has been 4 years of a low and I do not see any relief in sight. I love my husband very much and we are wanting to have children, but can not time it at all. Dont know what to do…….. Any suggestions??

  • Dianne says:

    My husband has never wanted sex, he pleases himself and I know he has spent many hours on the Internet looking at porn and then pleasing himself. All of this appears to slant the fact that at one point there was a sex life and never the position when there was never a sex life.

  • Michael Jantzen M. Jantzen says:

    Hello Frank,

    I think you make a really good point when you say that a husbands lack of interest in sex can be due to a hurt or offense that the wife has caused. Of course this goes both ways, women can also back off from sex when their husbands have done something insensitive or hurtful.

    However, when you say that “all” men have sexual desire, I think you are overstating it. There are some medical reasons and mental health conditions where sex drive is reduced significantly.

    Some of your examples are actually good (so long as we realize that men can make these same kind of mistakes), but when you use language like: “the wife has disobeyed/failed to submit/failed to honour him when it was due,” you basically stop women readers from getting some of your good points, and it begs the question: “Would you place just as much expectation on yourself to make something right with your wife if you had disrespected her?” I hope the answer is yes.

    I’m also reminded that Forgiveness in the Bible doesn’t always require confession. Joseph forgave his brothers long before they even showed up in Egypt.

    The onus is on the husband to forgive (even if his wife doesn’t agree with him or hasn’t admitted her wrong yet). Of course, there is a place and a time for a man to gently to tell his wife how she may have hurt him, but using words like ‘submit or obey’ is a good way to close that door and end up in the dog house–and now no one wants sex.

  • Frank says:

    Here is a question that most people wont ask – have you done something to offend your husband ?

    I read a lot of stories (from websites like this one) from women who are in sexless marriages, looking for answers. I pay special attention to the responses offered by people and in most cases, possibility that the woman has wounded her husband is not considered.
    Men don’t just lose sexual desire – and if you think your husband has lost his sexual desire, then I have news for you – he hasn’t. He may have lost his attraction to you but he most definitely has not lost his sexual desire – unless he is dead.
    One of the MAJOR reasons men lose desire for their wives (NOT sexual desire but specifically, sex with their wives) is because the wife has disobeyed/failed to submit/failed to honour him when it was due.

    Do you do stuff that he has asked you not to do and then justify it ?

    For example.
    1.) Has he told you that he hates it when you are skimpily dresssed in public ?
    And did you respond by dismissing him along the lines of him being insecure or that he should not worry about it seeing as you are not hurting anyone ?
    Then why should you be surprised that he has lost desire in you, seeing as you wont regard his feelings – and ultimately, his authority ?

    2.) Has he told you no to borrow money from your parents, because he wants to take care of you ? And did you respond by going over his head and borrowing money from your parents and justifying your act based on your financial need ?
    Then why should you be surprised that he has lost desire in you, seeing as you wont regard his authority – and more so is ability to provide for you ?

    3.) Did you lie to him that you were on the pill – just to get a child – because you wanted one and he didn’t ? If so, do you expect him to desire you after you have deceived him ? Would you desire him if he deceived you ?

    And the list goes on.

    My advice to ladies in sexless marriages is this – begin with this question – have you offended him ? You know your husband best – you know what he likes and what he hates. Search your life – if you find that you have offended him/ disobeyed him/ disregarded him/ belittled him/ insulted him etc – then tell him that you are sorry. Don’t ask to talk – just come to him out of the blues and say “My husband, I am sorry I went over your head and got a credit card after you spefically asked me not to; I disregarded your authority in this matter and I regret it. I will get rid of the card and I pray that you forgive me.” – then sit back and watch as your husband begins to warm-up to you.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi PMB, There are no easy answers to your situation. There is likely no quick fix solution that will change the way that your husband views sexual intimacy overnight. It is going to be a long process of working together to find how best the two of you fit together. The good news is this: for couples who have faced such a destructive problem like this and have been able to come together and face the challenge as a team rather than as opponents, their relationship have become incredibly strong and rewarding. You see true love comes from a common commitment to each other no matter what the cost and a willingness to serve the needs of the other rather than seeking to have their own needs met.

    Jesus talked about that when He said, “There is no greater love than when a person lays down their life for another.” (John 15:13) Laying down your life is more often done by sacrificing our own desires rather than in actually taking a bullet for another person. Jesus was someone who not only talked a good game but also lived it: out of His love for us He left His place in Heaven and entered into our world as one of us and ultimately gave His life to pay the penalty for our rebellion against Him. And because of His sacrifice we are now able to be adopted into His family and enjoy friendship with Him now and for all of eternity in Heaven.

    I know His example is an impossible one to follow but I have found that by trusting Him, He helps me to love my spouse in a self-sacrificing way that I never could on my own. I know that He would help both of you as well.

    There is a video I watched recently where people were sharing about how tough times made their marriage stronger. You would be encouraged by watching it. You can see it at http://powertochange.com/itv/family/tough-times. Let me know what you think of it.

  • PMB says:

    I have been married8 years now and for the major part of my marriage I have had to live with my husband’s lack of interest in sex and his failure to prolong sex beyond 2 minutes. He gives a kind of apology by saying when he stays away from sex for long he cannot hold back himself. My take is that I have never denied him access to me. So then why do we not have sex more often which should clear the premature ejaculation bit right? Instead he is clearly interested in lying on the couch after work and watching the sports channel. I have tried the neglige, the candle light and wine, the sexy walk in front of the television but all to no avail. Add to this is his continuous use of alcohol and tobacco which i have informed him could be part of the reason he is having problems functioning in bed, but you think he listens to me? Hell no. every time i catch him with the cigarette or his drinking, he apologises again and says he is stopping and things will get better. However it never does, he has not stopped and I am getting more frustrated. I am losing my mind and now i find myself not looking at him with love anymore. I actually wish for the death part and it does not matter which one of us dies because I feel dead in this marriage already. My body needs to be touched and he does not do it. If i am to say anything good about him is that he can cook and to me he offers food as a way of giving gratification. Sometimes when we are eating I get mean and say things like “was it good for you to”? Help me before I lose my mind.

  • Michael Jantzen Michael Jantzen says:

    Hi John,

    I’m sorry to hear that your experience has led you to have such a negative view of why women have sex with their partners.
    In your opinion, what would a healthy sexual relationship be characterized by? If one of the core problems with sex is how it is used for manipulation (which I think both sexes are capable of doing), how can that problem be fixed in a relationship?

  • John says:

    This is the main reason why men stop initiating sex. Everyone knows it, but everyone wants to dance around the topic. Here it is:

    Women use sex to manipulate men. Yes, they do. They all do, and everyone knows it. The man gets tired of being manipulated. So he does they only thing he can, which is to stop initiating sex. Women hate this because they know their power is now gone. So they complain, instead of fixing the core problem (as usual).

    Am I clear?

  • Michael Jantzen Michael Jantzen says:

    Hello DolphinIvr and Cm,

    I hope you two have been able to connect with each other for mutual support and encouragement. Please let us know how things are going. I will be keeping both of you and your spouses in my prayers.

  • Akki says:

    He maybe is Asexual?? Asexual is when people aren’t interested in sex…

  • dolphinlvr says:

    Michael I would also love to exchange emails with cm!

  • Cm says:

    Admin, I give you permission to share my email address with dolphinlvr.
    Thanks for all your help.

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