Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!

Written by Dr. Dave Currie

You might feel like you’re alone in this, but you’re not. Free email mentoring is available today. Request a mentor.  Also in this series: She Doesn’t Want Sex.

So often I hear about how much men need sex, but my husband has no interest in sex. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my husband want me?

Donalyn: Well first of all, there is nothing wrong with you! The first response of most women in your situation is to second-guess or blame themselves. While your husband’s lack of desire is certainly a problem, it is most likely not a problem with you. In fact, most sexual problems aren’t sexual at all.

Dave: That is right Donalyn. We sometimes have the idea that for men, the sexual experience is detached from what is going on inside. In reality, a man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desire. If he feels emotionally distant from his wife, and especially if he feels like a failure in any way, it can lead to a lack of confidence and therefore a lack of interest in sex. For a man, sexual performance is very much tied to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself it will definitely show up in his approach to sexual intimacy with his wife.

Donalyn: As women, we know that our sexual appetite is diminished when we do not feel connected to our husbands, or if there is unresolved anger between us. But we forget that our husband’s sex drive can also suffer for these same reasons. Likewise, if a man is overworked or under a lot of stress, whether inside or outside the home, sexual interest may start to take a back seat.

Love & God
What does God have to do with love?
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.

Dave: Of course, there are all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here too. If your husband has had any struggles with erectile dysfunction, that is likely a huge contributing factor. If he is feeling any lack of confidence in his ability to perform, he will almost certainly shy away from physical intimacy. Libido is also significantly impacted by testosterone levels, so if your husband has low testosterone, that could be the cause. Drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, may hinder the sexual desire. The good news is that many of the physical factors are very treatable, so it may be time for your husband to have a doctor’s appointment to get some help with this.

Donalyn: Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which are not so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person’s involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities. That is becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the Internet.

Dave: It is true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it’s a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.

Donalyn: So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he is just getting those needs met elsewhere.

Dave: Exactly. And it is not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a variety of fantasy sources, combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping women out and fantasizing about them later. Others give into their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be “neuter” for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there does not seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.

Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.

Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.

Donalyn: I would ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest. Ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Maybe he knows exactly what the problem is, or perhaps you will have to work through it together to discover what lies at the root. The best thing you can do is approach it as a team. He cannot be made to feel like this is all his problem to solve on his own. He needs to know that you are on the same side. So share with him your needs and your desires – how you would like things to be. Then work together to get there.

Dave: That is right. Support him throughout the process as he works through his fears and insecurity. Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.

Donalyn: Right. But that is tough to do if you discover that pornography or other illegitimate behaviors are part of the picture.

Dave: Yes, that is very true. But if you do suspect that this is a factor, you are going to ask him the tough questions about where he is having his sexual needs met. And as hard as it will be, if your husband has the courage to open up with you and share his struggles in this area, he will need your support. These issues can be worked through and overcome, but not without a great deal of patience and understanding.

Donalyn: It is also important to find out if there is anything that you have been doing to contribute to the problem. Not that it ever excuses wrong behavior on his part, but you need to know if you have said or done anything to turn him away from you. It may be that you have a critical spirit, that you have been controlling him or cutting him down, or that you are making him feel less of a man. If so, these are behaviors that you can take responsibility for and begin to change, in order to improve the situation between you.

Dave: Absolutely. If a man is feeling constantly criticized or dominated, it creates big damage to his self-worth, and that filters down to his sexual interest. So find out what issues may be coming between you and take positive steps to resolve them. You might even read some marriage and sexuality resources to help you through this process. Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman and Staying Close, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey are good places to start.

Donalyn: Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.

Dave: Keep in mind 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”

While I would not necessarily recommend preaching at your husband, every couple needs to remember that depriving or denying each other increases the temptation to have sexual needs met elsewhere. Again, it never legitimizes it. But a wise person will work to keep their spouse satisfied within the marriage.

Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Does your sex life need help? Find out why men can have a low sex drive.

Learn more about intimacy anorexia

devo-interact-icon-42x42So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately so one of our confidential mentors will contact you, or make a comment below.


1,436 Responses to “Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!”

  • Aldo Aldo says:

    Chris, great advice to Kay about looking to Jesus for her own life, and for the website you included in your blog. God bless.

  • Aldo Aldo says:

    Thank you Rashid. Its always good advice to pray about situations.

  • Aldo Aldo says:

    Kay, it is great to hear that you are going to reconnect with God. Let’s pray for your husband: Father God, You know the situation between Kay and her husband. Lord, we ask that You would intervene in their behalf, and rebuke the enemy of their souls who is trying to destroy this marriage. Touch Kay’s husband with Your Holy Spirit, and draw him to a belief in You and the Savior, Jesus Christ, in whose Name we pray and agree. Amen.

  • Aldo Aldo says:

    Kay, I am sorry to hear of the strained relationship between you and your husband. Quite often, depending on the circumstances, it is near impossible to fix, but GOD. When it comes to that, you need to get as much prayer as you can being said in behalf of you and your husband. Church prayer groups, Radio and TV call-in programs, Christian organizations, etc., etc. In other words, flood the portals of heaven with prayer. God will hear and answer. Let’s pray:

    Heavenly Father, thank You for Your love for Kay. A love so great it is unfathomable. Help her to grasp the magnitude of that love. Help her to comprehend the sacrifice You made for her in sending Your Son Jesus Christ to suffer and die for her sins, and the sins of all mankind. Lord, grant Kay the wisdom to know how to address this issue, and the courage to see it through to completion, in Jesus Name I pray. Amen.

  • Kay says:

    Thank you both for your responses. I am going to take your advice and reconnect with God. My husband is an atheist and has never supported my faith.

  • Chris Chris says:

    kay…i sympathize with your situation. being married has great challenges and some challenges we wouldnt have even thought of based on our pre-marriage expectations. on a humorous note, perhaps contemplating being like angels in heaven is not such a bad idea here on earth!! but on a more serious note, yes a man can and often does present unexpected problems that a wife would not have thought possible especially in todays age of sex, sex, sex. i encourage you with 1 peter chapter 3 where it says that if a husband doesnt obey the Word of God on a matter, that the Christian conduct of the wife will win him over to doing what the Word says. you didnt mention God in your post. i would hope that you are looking to jesus for your own life and that of your husbands because if one thing is very clear in the marriage from he get-go, he aint changin her and she aint chagin him. yet, if we look to the lord jesus who is the true King of hearts, good things will come. if you want to know more about having a personal relationsip with christ log on at……i pray now for you kay that your heart would be set on doing Gods will for yourself, so that you will be in a position to pray Gods will down upon your husband as well. remember, moises could interceed for Israel because he was an obedient believer himself. if not, his prayers would have gotten no higher than his own houses ceiling. blog back soon!!

  • Rashid says:

    Please it is hard to understand men for women same way hard for woman to understand woman. I think as a man I can say that man even have bigger desire bit if he married he will be satisfied because man think if he desire that is available anytime he want but woman think he don’t like because what ever reason. If woman learn to control and don’t let man know that she has less desire than him even though she may have. He will be chasing wife all the time please pray is important when you are before desire blessing

  • Kay says:

    I am struggling with this issue in a big way. It hit me just the other day after I had dressed up, makeup etc hoping to make love with my husband but he turned me down. As usual. This has happened all along in our relationship. I have always pursued and when I don’t pursue there is absolutely nothing. He says he is afraid to pursue. I suppose his precious ego is so delicate that he won’t risk damaging it. Meanwhile I feel like a bag of yuck. I have lost weight, worked out, been coy, been bold, been everything. I have tried it all. My husband just doesn’t like me in that way. He does love me and I know he has a sex drive, just one that I am not included in. Sad. I just feel very alone. I guess i have lost a husband but gained a best friend?

  • Aldo Aldo says:

    Yes, Rashid, it is never God’s fault when we allow ourselves to disregard the health and welfare of our bodies- the temples of the Holy Spirit.

    Married couples must not lose sight of the covenant made before God and to each other whereby they promised fidelity to one another, “’til death do us part.”

    I realize that in this “politically correct” and increasingly corrupt society, that it is generally acceptable for married couples to carry-on as each desires, but God does not change, and neither do His precepts in the Bible.

  • Rashid says:

    All kind of couples who are happy and some are not happy it we select a person for long term relation with keeping in mind comparability. Truth is sex play very important role in male and female relation. It is not God if we don’t care of body if we don’t care about what we eat. All of the quality of the person should be known to other to make better judgement. All problem are fixable if we care for other person to keep him in relation unless we don’t want him or her don’t want.if we have hygiene problem we have to correct with help of each other if DD you don’t care about him then that is different story but it is fix able problem.

  • Aldo Aldo says:

    Flower, you do not know for sure that what others are telling you about your husband is true. Ask the Lord in prayer whether your husband is going out on you or not. He will bring an answer one way or another. Let’s pray:

    Father God, the Devil, is trying to destroy this marriage, so we ask You to show Flower the truth about her husbands abnormal behavior. Grant her the wisdom in making the right decisions regarding her and her husband’s relationship, in Jesus Name we pray. Amen.

  • Aldo Aldo says:

    Cara, I agree with what Chris has told you, and believe that as you continue to lift him up in prayer and trust the Lord, that you will see a difference in your husband brought on by the Spirit of God. Let’s pray:

    Father God, we thank You for Cara and her husband, and we ask that You would intervene in their behalf regarding their relationship, in Jesus Name we pray and agree. Amen.

  • Chris Chris says:

    kara…its true that men and women are so different and as well in their desire for intimacy. the best route to take is what you have been doing, and lifting your husband up to the lord to make him the man of God he should be first to the lord himself and then to you. if he is walking in all of Gods perfect will for his life, you will see a difference in his attitude towards you as well. blessings!!

  • flower says:

    Some people are warning me that if my husband is rejecting me in bed and is late outside, coming home in the night that he can have other woman or sleeping with other women and that I should not sleep with him because I can jeopardize my health. But I still love him and there is still trust even when I am suspicious sometimes. I love him and sometimes sex can help solve the problem. I think God knows why I still want and is sleeping with my husband and he will protect me from some sickness or heal me because he know my motives. Do you think I am doing mistake by sleeping with my husband whose lifestyle is dangerous?

  • Kara says:

    Why do I feel unloved and unattractive? I want sex more than my husband…. My husband and I love each other very much met at church camp waited until marriage before sex. I am more affectionate then him. I noticed it while we were dating but he said I promise when we get married my hands will be all over you. They are not. Its been 4 years. He loves his job and has worked on touching me more. However I still end up struggling once a year and don’t realize How numb and distant IV become. He doesn’t notice either. He is an engineer, sweet, wise, true man of God. Not addicted to porn or anything we are really open with each other and pray for each other. Why do I keep struggling with feeling unloved and unattractive. I’m 25 I weigh 120 and 5″ 4 always fit and eat healthy. I’m easy going and never a critic. He loves that I’m not a nagging wife. So I promise I’m not a bitch and i haven’t let myself go. I did lingerie our first year of marriage but he didn’t like it. It made him feel like he had to perform. I did cute underwater and bra started taking clothes off slowly and he laughs uncomfortably. I sent him a half naked pic at work and he says, “cool thanks!” Am I missing something??? I started going online meeting guys and they all really liked me but I knew I had to stop it wasn’t fixing anything. I read my bible more and prayed God satisfied me during that time and it was awesome. He still is awesome!! but….. It’s a new year and it’s still a struggle. it hit me again when I realized how numb IV become. Anyone?

  • Aldo Aldo says:

    Turnabout is Fair Game, I’m sorry that you feel the way you do about your wife. You may think that you are hurting her, but in reality, you are hurting yourself.

    God’s Word tells us that when we get married, we become one flesh- Genesis 2:24.

    It also says in Romans 12:19, “Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.’”

    Instead of animosity, why don’t you try to build love and respect. Your wife and others will think more of you, and you will feel better about yourself as well.

  • Aldo Aldo says:

    Hello Empty and Depressed.

    Having read both your blogs about your husbands not being interested in having sex with you, and you both doing all in your power to change that, brings to mind the story that Jesus relates in Matthew 7:24-27 in the New Testament of the Holy Bible. In it He tells of building your house on a firm foundation. Then, when trials and tribulation come, the house will remain standing.

    Building a marriage is much like building a house. It needs a firm foundation in order to withstand the “winds and floods” of disenchantment, disillusionment, disappointment, and dissatisfaction, which come against it.

    If you got married in a church, you made a covenant before God and to each other. Was that something you did with a knowing awareness of what you were doing, or did you do it by routine?

    In this life it is never to late to build a firm foundation. Oftentimes you will notice a house that has been put up on stilts so that a foundation can be placed under it. The same can be done with a marriage that has begun to sink.

    You may be wondering, “What on earth is he talking about?”

    The foundation which I am talking about is Jesus Christ, God’s “only begotten son,” and the Savior of all mankind. Is He the foundation of your life, your marriage, your everything? He wants to be. And He wants to fix your marriage. Give Him a try. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Let’s pray:

    Heavenly Father, thank You for Your love for Empty and Depressed. A love so great it is unfathomable. Help them to grasp the magnitude of that love. Help them to comprehend the sacrifice You made for them in sending Your Son Jesus Christ to suffer and die for their sins, and the sins of all mankind. Lord, grant them the strength of faith to accept You for who You are, and to receive You as their Lord and Savior, whereby they will be building on a firm and everlasting foundation, in Jesus Name I pray. Amen.

    P.S.- Now you know why Rashid prays “in Jesus Name.”

  • Anna says:

    good morn, it just occurred to me that I entered the wrong email address so I would not get any alerts that would post. I am about to read the new comments, thank you.

  • Rashid says:

    I think people who look through porn are link with many .. but it is depend on each person male or female. We all are product of what society feeding us. By that we become body and physique conscious. It is important and nothing wrong to ask for little taste but we can not go beyond reality and fact of body.God way of marriage is between love under law of Holy spirit.when we have thought of looking through some pictures we should show love and make special arrangement for the time that we plan to have together. I pray to Holy spirit to show me the way to reach my heart in Jesus name Amen

  • Rashid says:

    Please pray every night and make your heart bigger for him through all reading all I can say in short he love you and please pray for him and yourself and keep yourself only love him I pray in Jesus name Amen

  • Anna says:

    I’m sorry my post was so long I can shorten it if need be I just thought I would answer a lot of questions upfront that always come up when you’re reading other peoples post. Sorry for some of the typos doing this on my phone I couldn’t see some of what I was typing or what was being auto corrected it bc some was via speech to text.. Anyway I have always encouraged requested and begged my husband to please be honest with me even about the painful thing to trust me ..if he would just come to me on his own — but he never does until he gets caught and even then he doesn’t keep his word ..told him for 25 yrs we can work on it together but he never has done it .. I think each time he becomes more and more afraid to tell me .. (even though when he’s in the pain of his actions he thinks he means it when he saying he’s sorry and he’ll never do it again and he always come to me and tell me stuff- but then later– he’s only focused on the pleasure of the moment and the “promises of the past commitments to disclose to your wife is no longer appealing..
    One of the recent post suggest praying before six I think that’s a very good idea I don’t know if I’m ready to do it or not but I do like the idea of it are used to tell my husband for 25 years but I felt the closest to him when we were in church together sitting together but these last few weeks I have not felt as close in the heart.. And even though we’re having more sex it’s more sex than it is intimacy whereas before I was more intimacy from my heart… I asked him how often do the images from pornography come up in your mind when we are in the big together being intimate he said it was very rare but there were a few occasions and that when that would happen he would change positions or say he cld not achieve etc.. because he did not want to keep that image he knew it was wrong to have thoughts of the people in the bedroom with me with us. I told him I am tired of competing w/ other women for his time & interested. But since I did not hv the opportunity to prepare for divorce that I wll take my time making my decision & trying to get my finances in order finding anthr c to live .. & in the mean time I wll still be loving & sexual w: him bc that’s who I am but I admonished him not to mistake that for a decision- it jst means I don’t want us to live tgthr & be miserable. I have told God that I want his will but I need to know what it is for this marriage bc part of me wonders if God wanted me to know bc of the WAY it came toe that he was looking at porn again .. & told him that all the negativity keepse Frm hearing God speak or show me the answers so I refuse to live angry w/ him. & refuse to be unforgiving to him of him- but tht doesn’t mean we won’t separate & divorce.. He says he does not even know why he does what he does but it’s hard for me to understand because I’m very analytical and I’m a very deep thinker I asked lots of questions I really try to absorb and I just whatever it is I’m trying to learn he’s not like that and it may very well be true that he cannot tell you why he does what he does when I pushed him to better understand some of his choices even just a regular things not just from not graffiti etc. he doesn’t seem to have answers or understand himself.. He does not ask me questions he’s not an investigative type of person I wish that he was.. Yes I have told him this.. Things I wish that he would ask me because I feel like if I’m the one who’s always talking suggesting requesting demanding complaining then I’m forcing him to love me and I mean that is not the type of relationship I want.. I want to be act of HIS DESIRE his WILL.. and yes I have shared this with him. Why does a man who has no complaints about his wife who says he loves her and wants to be with her and enjoys her and appreciate her why does he want to look at other women and if in fact he is curious about the answer is expressions on their face?! why!? I do not get it!! I do not get it! And another thing is when I have looked at pornography it made me want sex more why wouldn’t he want sex more after looking at it yes I have read that sometimes it makes you not want it more when you’ve been looking at it a lot or a long time and I know someone will probably suggest that’s the reason maybe that’s true I just wish there was someway for me to get down to the core issue the real truth for him for me for us for this particular marriage I don’t know if anyone can help with that I’m not even sure a counselor can– I know counselors are imperfect people trying to help other imperfect people can anyone who is very analytical out there and has done everything like what I have tried to do tell me that they received counseling and that it benefited them?
    Again I’m doing this on my phone and it’s very small I apologize for any confusion of typos thank you all for your time and confine
    If I knew earlier in my marriage but I’m going through this again and again and again I would have made an escape route so that I could take my life over more easily should I choose to I never thought that I would tell other people especially young women that you need to consider having your own savings account — and not as a secret but that this is something that you discussed and agreed to before you get married or after the case if need be as then if you didn’t think of it before hand I never believed in this before– I never thought that I would be an advocate of having the ability to interact Plan B but finding myself in this position over again and again I regret that I did not get a click sooner and make a better plan just in case.. And yet here I stand you’re prepared to do anything but cope.. He says if I want him to move out he wheel I told him if anyone without shipping me because I cannot afford to keep the house he said that he will pay for me from about the Truth is he doesn’t have we don’t hv the money.. he’s just speaking his heart is all.. He’s just saying that he’ll do whatever he can and I appreciate it very very very much but it would just be another financial strain– why couldn’t he leave well enough alone?!? ;-( broken heart..

  • Anna says:

    Thanku for sharing your thoughts on this issue
    I hv read them all- we hv been married 25 yrs & Both in good health & look good for our ages.
    I am 50 and he is 55 yrs. Overall I am the more sexual one in the marriage.
    I weigh 108 lbs I am a very attractive woman. Men flirt w/ me every day- I am not bragging jst stating the facts. I am in good physical condition (although no one would recruit me to be a swimsuit model probably) but they might for older women magazine haha! But I know for my age I am still very sexy and attractive excellent hygiene according to my husband & says he has no complaints.. I hv asked if I Shld enhance my aging breast but he says no they are still sexy to him. — and I still find my husband very attractive although he would not be recruited to be a swimsuit model either :) but we all know most of us wouldn’t sell Ha ha! I kno it’s not all Abt looks & sex believe me- but this issue is very physical & sexual on any levels.
    I discovered at the beginning of July that my husband was back to looking at pornography.. When I asked him about it he made it but he looks at it several times a week and have been doing so for about seven months. With been down this road 4-5 times before in our marriage and it seriously makes me wonder if we should get a divorce?
    My husband has been a good husband except for this issue of stepping outside our marriage.
    … To my husband having sex once a week is fine for him and it was okay to me too bc I figured well it must be part of the aging process and so I accepted it until I found that he had actually been having any kind of sexual thoughts, conversations activity, pleasure of any kind outside of me. I began to study the cell phone bill and found some numbers that he had been doing a lot of texting too in December; he confessed that when he went back home for a funeral December 2013 he decided he was curious enough about how other women would see him or approach him or be attracted to him and decided to flirt and exchange phone numbers with three women.. He was gone for about three weeks although he saying to get busy pretty quick after getting there..
    Two of the women the texting seem to fall off quickly according to him nothing sensual developed there so those Communications dropped off as quickly as they started .. but one of them did go farther.. texting talking & sexting a couple of nude pictures & a cpl if words referencing their sexual organs that you wouldn’t say in public. According to him all 3 women were estimated to be 15-20 yrs younger than me.
    The deeply studied the cell phone activity– it confirms that he cut it off with her a month before I found out about it. He said that he told her they were going to far and he didn’t feel right about it anymore because he knew as a Christian and a married man what they were doing was wrong.
    When I found out about him flirting with other women sexting and pornography etc.. I was again very hurt and confused angry and furious .. I don’t understand why he would do this to his loving attractive sexy wife Who loves him appreciates him and text him good care of him in every way & who only wants to be with her husband -no matter how many men try to get her attention- isn’t enough for him.? we just bought a new home.. and he goes back home and does this…? When I ask him why the only thing he can tell me as he was just curious about what it be like to talk to other women?
    .. Mmmm Well how about I do that how about I just get curious to see what it’s like to strike up an interest with other men?? When I asked him why he went back to pornography again- he says he was just curious.. so I ask him tell me about the things that you’re looking at– he says he’ll just type in a word or a subject and whatever pops up but mostly doggy style & anal sex. .. says he was curious and he finds himself looking at the women’s faces.. looking at their expressions of pleasure in the act”.. So I asked how come he doesn’t look at me why does he want to see my face (which is really an embarrassing question because obviously I’m not looking at there’s more but still I ask) …
    first got married yes we took pictures we did Videos we tried all different kind of positions etc. But over the years define your favorite positions & and kind of stick to mom switching up occasionally of course.. His has been doggy style and in spite of my initial resistance 25 years ago- he has taught me to enjoy receiving oral sex which he is excellent at!!! and he knows it .. He knows I crave it .. because of the way he makes me moan groan holler every time he does it!! He knows I love it he knows I appreciate it and I even tell him while he’s doing it how sweet he is to me how much he spoils me and how much I appreciate it.
    Please do not misunderstand me I understand the power and the pull of & addiction off pornography in many ways- I used to be out there in that business so to speak and whenever we’ve gone through this with him looking at it-
    I always go back and look at it a time or 2 as though I’m going to figure out what it is he’s looking for- although I never do!!!
    And yes I too feel the same temptation to go back and look again and again and again and again– but I resis until it falls off in the next few days- & I told my husband this each time we have gone through it-
    I have always for 25 years & before marriage V him Attley encouraged my husband to talk to me about anything unpleasant about him or myself- whether it’s my hygiene or how I make him feel mental emotional anything and everything!!
    Even if I had a sexual dream or something about somebody I would tell him. Even at the beginning of our marriage when and I’ll boyfriend came by I told him about everything even the feelings that I had inside because I want to foster a foundation of truth and honesty and love and bonding together..

    He says I’m still attractive beautiful and sexy and that he sorry and he’ll never do it again and blah blah blah but the fact is during the first year of our marriage when he thought we were not going to survive because of new couple growing pains he slept with another woman while stationed overseas. –btw Which he only confessed to me in the past five years. Back in the mid to late 90s and early 2000′s we went through this another time or two with the web TV chat rooms etc.. and he had a couple conversations with some of the women and apparently they masturbated together on the phone. ((And I don’t get having random sensual thoughts and experiences with a stranger?!??))
    I get it if there’s a hear-ties but not just straight up out the gate strangers..?
    He says that prior to looking at porn in December he had not looked at it for several years. I don’t know what to believe anymore because he has lied to me many times before and he knows I’m going to ask him is ” God your witness you’re telling me the truth” and he says yes but he knows he’s lying so everything that he says and does now is the same as before but he wants me to believe that this time it’s really true. I asked him did you do anything with the woman while you were back home he said the only thing that he did was take her out for a burger and they had a very wholesome hug goodbye. He said they did not go sensual or sexual until after he came back home … Which I’m not sure I believe him because the whole point was to see how he and other women would interact with each other and if they would find him attractive yada yada – so why would he wait to do it here where they could only do it on the phone he was either trying to keep Senate Bay or he’s lying … I have asked everything I could think of to ask re: what he’s done with other women.. He swears that I know everything. but I’m unsure.. I feel he’s brought me to this place so many times in our marriage that I seriously need to consider responding in ways that I never have before.. Like separation and divorce.. but it’s scary because I never prepared myself financially for divorce and of course I still love my husband.
    We’re still having sex and more of it but because I’m pushing for several reasons so many to list here but one of which is I want him to see that everything that he thinks is out there- In reality he always had here.. But he kept it at bay .. he turned it down too often .. he walked past it..
    whether we stay together or not I want him to know that I tried that I loved him that I was very satisfied with him very attracted to him and whatever it was that he was trying to figure out or looking for that he already had it right there in front of him.
    As I said I have a high sexual appetite and I have done everything I know to make my husband feel sexually free and open with me— however I do not do anal sex because it hurts- I have tried a few times only in our marriage and it always hurt– but I pointed out to him that even though I said I didn’t like it that did not necessarily mean he could not open me up to it or make me relaxed to the point where I would be willing to try again.. To my knowledge neither one of us ever did any research on it and he quit trying when I told him I didn’t like it. However I have tried to do some research on it but I get inundated with so much pornography and stuff that it makes it difficult to try to just learn about ways that a woman can warm up to the idea of it– but that aside to me that’s not the issue at all and it has nothing to do with why my husband chooses to do what he does! ..can anyone help me with this???

    I’m not even sure if it’s okay to have anal sex? and I also know that I’m using sex to address an issue but I don’t know what else to do with.. And that this issue may or may not be sexual and it’s root I don’t know..& he doesn’t know either he signed up to request counseling but no one has contacted him yet.. I found an suggested to him that he set up Covenant Eyes Internet monitoring service which he did.. but I don’t know how thorough it is or how to circumvent it with private browsing or whatever yet.. I have not given it a good thorough test yet to see what all it does or doesn’t pick up.
    He did not contact our church for counseling bc he’s very embarrassed and doesn’t want people to know what we’re dealing with.. and I understand that .. honestly I too have mixed feelings about the same.
    I have told him that I want to put all of our finances on the spreadsheet and start saving all of my money because he’s forcing me to realize I may have to step out and make a whole new life for myself on my own. He says he loves me and doesn’t want our marriage to dissolve and that he’s so sorry that he’s brought all of this pain and confusion- which I know is all true I know he loves me and I know he’s sorry and I know he doesn’t want our marriage to end but honestly I’m tired of going through this every several years. My mind shift now wondering if there is a man out there who would be totally in love with me and never cheat on me and be just a good husband is the one I have now..? I explained to him that he actually had an affair with this mom and I went home for about six or seven months he said he sees that now but he didn’t look at it that way before. When I went over the bill with him and showed him how much texting he was doing with her when he was supposed to be focusing on work he said he blows his mind how much tit for tat text texting they were doing for hours on end while he was at work. I asked them what all do y’all talk about he said nothing important it was so ill relevant he doesn’t even remember it I told him you’re just ashamed to tell me the truth and he says no the truth is they had a couple of nasty words & in a couple of pics 1 of her breast 1 of her vagina and 1 of his penis- he says that was a sexual and as nasty as it got.
    I told him he’s lied to me so many times “as God is his witness” that I’m afraid for him and I no longer believe him like I used too.
    The recent dates of everyone’s posts encouraged me.. & offered hope that someone might have insight to offer to help me understand to make sense of this and to know the right way to respond. I thought I knew how to be a good wife and keep a tight marriage relationship and I started this before we ever got married I told him we need to be able to sell each of the darkest secrets and keep the light in our relationship because in the darkness is where secrets grow I have kept my end of the bargain I go to him with things most spouses may be uncomfortable with but he has never once come to me on his own- even though he swears every time he will from now on just like he’s doing again.
    I know now that I don’t have the power to keep my marriage together and keep my husbands interest no matter how good of a wife & good looking or how in shape I keep myself and how I encouraged him to have open heart feel conversations with me even a bath with things if I’m comfortable with &. No matter how sensual and sexual I am with him & very loving and affectionate and very appreciative of him and I speak well of him & speak well of him to him.. somehow it’s still not enough..? so this rude awakening has really busted my bubble :(. At my wits end…

  • Rashid says:

    Trish Hicks
    You really said it which I believe myself that sex is very special only if it is between husband and wife after marriage in front of at least few people witness that two loving people have bond life commitment. So sex has be permitted between two loving female and male.that sex is blessing not just for love and happiness but blessing of children under this kind of union marriage.

  • casey says:

    I have been married 8 years. My husband will sleep on the sofa and we will go months without sex. My first marriage ended with my ex doing the same thing. I have gained weight . I really am insecure. But with him not wanting me makes it worse. I won’t cheat as that’s what I did in my first marriage and I regret it. There is something always an excuse my hair,attitude,what I wear. It is frustrating. It really is hurtful

  • Rashid says:

    Empty you are welcome
    And thank you for tg ed pray.
    Empty try alway to sow the best seed in every way not just only money I mean best seed of love, care, patient, that’s what God tell us to do in relationship I pray in Jesus name Amen

  • empty says:

    Hi depressed, thank you for your comment. Just when I was feeling insecure about my post, I check my email and find some strength. :) I read your post, I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling as well. :( you’re right we do sound alike! and in reply to your question “will it be enough? ” I really don’t know, all I know is we were happiest together when I was happy with myself. And if it doesn’t better the relationship atleast I can find peace that I have bettered myself. I hope this helps! :) i hold you up to the light! May you also learn to love yourself! You sound like a beautiful person, you just need to rediscover it too, for yourself!

  • empty says:

    Hi rashid Thank you for your prayer. My relationship with my faith hasn’t been the best lately. You’re right I will make an effort to focus on that as well. I hold Rashid up to the light, may you find the happiness you are looking for. Amen.

  • depressed says:

    Hi “Empty” .. I couldn’t help it but to see myself in you…and I reaally liked what u said at the end… we ARE codepdendent and we really need to find ourselves and fall madly in love with who we are… I like that. But then… will this be enough to change our sex life an make it better? Let’s fight this inner battle! :-);-)

  • Rashid says:

    Please join a church and pray to God every night faith on him build hope of love Jesus you are the created of relationship and help this lovely creation if you in every level of life I Peay in Jesus name Amen. Please pray for me too thank you.

  • empty says:

    I can’t stress how nice it was to hear people with the same problem. My fiance and i have been together for 5 years and like everyone else here our sexual relationship has dwindled. I love him dearly and he truly is an amazing man. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else, I just wish we could connect intimately the way we used to. Like many of the other women, I have, in the past, found porn. Initially it didn’t bother me, since we were still connecting intimately, but then we weren’t and i saw all the sites were entered while I was working. I have never used sex as a tool for control. If anything, I’ve always had a bit of a stronger appetite for it than him. Now with or wedding coming up, I fear that perhaps he doesn’t see me in the same light I see him. I’ve tried initiating more, which has helped a bit, but i still generally get rejected. Now I’ve switched to initiating in the morning which still hasn’t worked. I’ve talked to him, and he says his lack of intimacy is due to long hours at work. Although he finds the time to bike in tournaments, play on an ultimate Frisbee league, and drink with friends. I know he works hard, and he deserves his extra curricular activities. I just wish he’d WANT to be intimate with me and as if it didn’t feel like i was making him do a chore by having sex with me. I feel unwanted, unworthy, ugly, and just… empty. I realize now i have put to much of it on him. I have now made the decision to stop focusing on him and start focusing on myself. I’m going to make conscious decisions to better myself. Whether that be healthy choices about the food I put in my body or the chemicals, my choices regarding my level of physical activity, my choices of how I view my body and appearance, my choices regarding my outlets for creativity, and above all my closeness to my higher power. I’ve lost myself by being so codependent on him. Maybe why I’m so unlovable is because I made myself this way, I made myself empty. But that stops today. Please pray for me on my journey of self discovery, hold me up to the light as I will for all of you. I’m gonna need it.

  • depressed says:

    I’m 34, He’s 36. We’re almost 10 years together and have a 2-year old…he’s never in for sex, he’s ALWAYS tired. If we get to have sex (maybe once a month) it feels from his part it’s because it has to happen.. I don’t dare anymore to initiate it because he rejects me constantly saying…HE’S TIRED…he’s been tired for the last 4 years or so. I love him with all my heart but this situation is causing a huge lack of selfsteem from my part and many crying nights. We’ ve talked about it several times and I’ve even told him that he’s the only man allowed to kiss me, touch me and make love to me…. if he doesn’t show me love, passion…NOBODY will. I am affectionate with him but it seems his phone or soccer are more important… I’m so depressed…

  • Rashid says:

    Hi Loan
    I think it is very easy to satisfied woman touch of intimacy

  • Loan says:

    Ahmed you want a wife for loving??

    A wife for loving and doesnot desire to do sex with her?

    and request she must love him and faithfully with him??

    - This is muslim Arab traditional ??

  • Loan says:

    why now so many men get this matter? no more desire about sex with wife even he has no other woman outside?

    some man is ok but his original is not enough long and big and he is lazy on the bed!?

    Be a wife what to do? Accept like dead love or bye bye not see you again!?

    -this world now 95% men can not satified his wife!!???

  • Rashid says:

    Hi Lena and turnabout
    My experience tell me sex with marriage is not wonderful as sex is after marriage. Woman expectations build up she want the intimacy and feeling when man and woman first met and had sex before marriage. Woman like intimacy, feeling, closeness of body but most men want when he feel like it but sex bring closer. I even start to believe that man and woman should pray to Holy spirit before have sex because we are sowing a seed of love that will bring gift from God. Sex should be love not object. I hope to find woman who believe the same

  • Early in my marriage, my wife used sex as a weapon. Back then, I bent over backwards to play her games and win her over. My needs and wants always took a backseat.

    When I told her I wanted more sex and intimacy, she told me I was a sex-craved pervert.

    That hurt so bad, that I gave up our sex life. I decided to stop going to her. It saved me pain and embarrassment. Porn became my new safer outlet.

    Three years of never initiating, guess who wants sex now? She does. I threw it back in her face and told her she’s a sex-craved pervert.


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