Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!
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So often I hear about how much men need sex, but my husband has no interest in sex. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my husband want me?
Donalyn: Well first of all, there is nothing wrong with you! The first response of most women in your situation is to second-guess or blame themselves. While your husband’s lack of desire is certainly a problem, it is most likely not a problem with you. In fact, most sexual problems aren’t sexual at all.
Dave: That is right Donalyn. We sometimes have the idea that for men, the sexual experience is detached from what is going on inside. In reality, a man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desire. If he feels emotionally distant from his wife, and especially if he feels like a failure in any way, it can lead to a lack of confidence and therefore a lack of interest in sex. For a man, sexual performance is very much tied to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself it will definitely show up in his approach to sexual intimacy with his wife.
Donalyn: As women, we know that our sexual appetite is diminished when we do not feel connected to our husbands, or if there is unresolved anger between us. But we forget that our husband’s sex drive can also suffer for these same reasons. Likewise, if a man is overworked or under a lot of stress, whether inside or outside the home, sexual interest may start to take a back seat.
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Dave: Of course, there are all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here too. If your husband has had any struggles with erectile dysfunction, that is likely a huge contributing factor. If he is feeling any lack of confidence in his ability to perform, he will almost certainly shy away from physical intimacy. Libido is also significantly impacted by testosterone levels, so if your husband has low testosterone, that could be the cause. Drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, may hinder the sexual desire. The good news is that many of the physical factors are very treatable, so it may be time for your husband to have a doctor’s appointment to get some help with this.
Donalyn: Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which are not so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person’s involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities. That is becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the Internet.
Dave: It is true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it’s a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.
Donalyn: So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he is just getting those needs met elsewhere.
Dave: Exactly. And it is not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a variety of fantasy sources, combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping women out and fantasizing about them later. Others give into their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be “neuter” for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there does not seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.
Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.
Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.
Donalyn: I would ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest. Ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Maybe he knows exactly what the problem is, or perhaps you will have to work through it together to discover what lies at the root. The best thing you can do is approach it as a team. He cannot be made to feel like this is all his problem to solve on his own. He needs to know that you are on the same side. So share with him your needs and your desires – how you would like things to be. Then work together to get there.
Dave: That is right. Support him throughout the process as he works through his fears and insecurity. Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.
Donalyn: Right. But that is tough to do if you discover that pornography or other illegitimate behaviors are part of the picture.
Dave: Yes, that is very true. But if you do suspect that this is a factor, you are going to ask him the tough questions about where he is having his sexual needs met. And as hard as it will be, if your husband has the courage to open up with you and share his struggles in this area, he will need your support. These issues can be worked through and overcome, but not without a great deal of patience and understanding.
Donalyn: It is also important to find out if there is anything that you have been doing to contribute to the problem. Not that it ever excuses wrong behavior on his part, but you need to know if you have said or done anything to turn him away from you. It may be that you have a critical spirit, that you have been controlling him or cutting him down, or that you are making him feel less of a man. If so, these are behaviors that you can take responsibility for and begin to change, in order to improve the situation between you.
Dave: Absolutely. If a man is feeling constantly criticized or dominated, it creates big damage to his self-worth, and that filters down to his sexual interest. So find out what issues may be coming between you and take positive steps to resolve them. You might even read some marriage and sexuality resources to help you through this process. Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman and Staying Close, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey are good places to start.
Donalyn: Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.
Dave: Keep in mind 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”
While I would not necessarily recommend preaching at your husband, every couple needs to remember that depriving or denying each other increases the temptation to have sexual needs met elsewhere. Again, it never legitimizes it. But a wise person will work to keep their spouse satisfied within the marriage.
Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Does your sex life need help? Find out why men can have a low sex drive.
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Dear “A man’s perspective says”. I am just like “your wife” and I am sure that there are more like us. The reason your wife gets distant is because your lack of wanting to be intimate with her is a very painful feeling. I too get distant. You say why doesn’t she initiate something. Well she doesn’t because of the fear of rejection. Rejection from you would be hurtful and humiliating to her. She has become distant because that is the only way that she knows how to deal with having to stay away from you physically. I too do this. I don’t think it is fair that men (and vise versa) expect us to be happy and smiling all the time when they show no intimate/sexual desire for us. I mean come on think about it. It really brings you down when the one person you love doesn’t show desirable interest in you. Not having that intimacy with your spouse is a very hurtful feeling. It is just like a child not having the emotional and affectionate attention that, that child needs. It is a very lonely feeling. Especially when you are lying next to your spouse and you want so much to be held or to hold them but you know you can’t because it bother’s your spouse if you even touch them. I have not cheated on my husband, but so many times, I think about cheating. I know I would hate myself afterward though. I can tell you this much, every single day, all I think about is leaving him, in fact I have even started looking for a place of my own because I cannot take the lack of intimacy from him, and his lack of desire for me. Kisses are few and far between, if he gives me an intimate kiss twice a month that is alot, holding my hand, I can tell that even bothers him, and I can forget hugging/holding in bed or on the sofa. So “A man’s perspective says” don’t just thing about what you are going through because believe me when I say this, she is really going through an emotional roller coaster right now. Like I said, I am “your wife” I am going through the same thing, that I have now had to take anti-depressant medication, and can you believe I told my husband that I was going to start taking them and why I was going to take them, I told him that I had never felt so lonely in all my life, he just said that I was making more of this than what it was, but never tried to say well babe let’s work on this so you won’t have to take them. Because I get distant and sad, he blames me for all our problems in our relationship. I tell him, if you would be at least 1/2 of what I want you to be, I would meet you the other 1/2 way, but he refuses to listen. I cannot take his lack of desire for me anymore, and/or his rejections.
Came across this website when trying to figure out how to fix the problems i have been having with my girlfriend pretty much since we got together.
My girlfriend and i usually have sex once a week, sometimes it can go two weeks but that is about the max. This is not enough for her and she has stated it before, she said her past boyfriends used to want it every day or twice a day…i have never been that active and i never will be and explained this to her. She says she is ok with that…
It is fairly obvious she is not ok with it. From the moment we finish having sex i feel as if a timer has reset and the countdown to her being distant has started. Fake smiles, shaded eyes and “nothing is wrong, i am fine” are what i can expect in a few days.
Once we have sex again she is fine and dandy for a few days and then slowly slips back into being distant.
How am i supposed to be attracted to that? How is her obvious dissapointment supposed to turn me on and get me in the mood.
To be completely honest i have had some problems with erectile dysfuntion. This has happened with other women as well and i feel it is more of a mental thing than anything else. It does not happen every time and actually hasn’t happened in a long time but i am sure this has something to do with her lack of confidence and her distancing me when we dont have sex.
If i do try to have sex when i am not in the mood i am going to have problems keeping it up which is why once a week is right for me. Why should i have to force it and change what is normal for me. it wont work…does she not see this?
From reading the responses on here i can pretty much confirm what i thought was going through her head “what is wrong with this guy, why doesn’t he want sex all the time” “i must be ugly” “there must be someone else”
I am afraid she is going to end up cheating on me and destroying our relationship.
If she had some confidence and actually tried to start something instead of waiting for me to initiate it maybe we would have sex more often. As it is now i dont want to have sex because her obvious resentment of not having it every day is a huge turn off and makes it feel like a chore.
When we do have sex it is amazing for both of us and once a week i dont feel is too little so why cant she just be happy with that?
I have tried talking to her about this but she wont even admit that something is bothering her so how am i supposed to fix this?
When a woman denies her man sex they say “oh that is normal” but when a man isnt in the mood twice a day every day women say “he must be cheating” “it must be porn” “i must be ugly” “he isnt a real man” Well…i am not cheating, it isnt porn, she is far from ugly and i assure you i am a real man…a real man who does not lead his life from down there. I am not always in the mood.
I hope this has given all of you some insight as to what might be going through your husbands head.
Dissapointment breeds contempt. Next time he says no or that he isnt in the mood (which i have never done by the way, if i am not in the mood i have tried and half the time it has not worked.) try just going with it, say ok and really mean it, dont get upset about it. When you get upset about it he is that much less likely to want to do anything in the future. You could be making it feel like a chore to him. Instead of being dissapointed when it doesnt happen, try being exstatic when it does, stroke his ego and make him feel like a man and dont nag or pressure him if it goes a week or two. The more you do that, the less he will want to do anything.
If you have tried everything, try turning him down when he is in the mood some times. Humans want what they cant have. If you had chocolate covered strawberries available to you any time you wanted them would you want them all the time? I don’t think so.
Tell him no and see what happens.
As for me, i have no idea what i am going to do. I can’t have sex any more than we already are or it wont work and she will be even more upset and i cant keep on living with her acting like i never have sex with her. It is ruining the times we do have sex.
I am so glad I came across the site. I was starting to think that I was alone. I am 30 and have known my husband for 10 plus years but married for 4. I feel like I married the only guy who doesn’t want to have sex. We only have it when initiate and it’s always planned. I fell like he only does it because I want it. I asked him and he said no and that he wants it as much as I do, but I don’t buy it.
We have sex 2 times a month if i am lucky. To add to it, I need to find a way to let him know that he needs to work on a few things. I am very honest and I can be blunt so I just fear that if I talk to him, he will get mad and defensive.
He always tells me that marr
Hi CS, I am sorry that you have had to go through your marriage like that. It is such a hurtful thing to be rejected by your spouse. Although there are many people like you who go through that pain, marriage should not be like that. I heard someone say once that there are very few marriage problems. However, most marriages are plagued by personal problems that have devastating impact on marriages. It sounds to me like your husband is dealing with some personal problems and the collateral damage hits you.
Now the good news about that perspective is that it gives you the focus of trying to help your husband come to grips with his personal issues. That is what it means to love one another–you can help serve your spouse in the areas that they struggle in. That is one of the things that I am so impressed about in the teachings of Jesus. He emphasized that love sacrifices itself for others. One of Jesus’ followers wrote this about Jesus, “We know what real love is because Christ gave up his life for us. And so we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters.” (1John 3:16)
Now I know that no matter how much I try I fail horribly at following Jesus’ example and that is because I am by nature a selfish person. But the more that I look to Jesus for help and strength to live out true love I see Him changing who I am so that I reflect His character more and more. I can totally agree with what Paul wrote when he said, “For I can do everything through Jesus Christ who gives me the strength I need.” (Philippians 4:13)
So that is where I start–asking for Jesus to give me His love for other people so I can serve their needs. I don’t know what your experience with Jesus has been but let me invite you to talk with one of our online mentors who can help you discover for yourself how Jesus can make a difference in your marriage. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor and a mentor will respond with an email.
Hi to all the Christian women,
I just want to say that my problem is similar to AJ. I do not want to go into all the sexual details, because a woman should act accordingly to the bible in holiness. So, what I will say is that my husband is not interested in sex with me for a long time, and if he is, it would not last very long. My problem was that I told my husband everything about my sexual activities with other men in the past before I knew him and sometimes said no to sex. Overtime, he has found this extremely difficult to forget but he does forgive me.
He has had problems with anger, and I have not helped the situation when I do not submit to him and forget my emotions and stop nagging. The situation got so out of hand that he hit me physically and did other things. Now I am trying to rekindle the relationship, but as Christian women, we must leave everything in God’s hands, and pray. I found out that he masturbated to a video of a woman. Learn from me, because after that, I caused chaos when I got my unsaved family involved and everything went terribly wrong.
I think us women should read the bible and pray, if there are nay problems we must hold our feelings and leave it to God. We must respect our husbands in everything and dwell with them in love, the love of Christ.
Our actions through Godliness will show the man, that he can not find fault in us. God is in control overall.
I am 21 and he is 27 years old. We have been married 1 year. 7 years difference. This problem seems very common to me on the internet, at any given age.
I would like to say again, that a women’s actions through biblical standards, can help any situation.
Hope this helps. And do not read any ungodly advice on this webiste by ungodly women, read the bible, pray to God, and put aside all emotions which can make you sin.
God Bless
All the best to the women who want to please God,
Vic.
Reading things on here seems like I wrote them. I also feel like just a roomate. I have cried when pushed away to hear he hates to see me cry and walks away. I just can’t handle it anymore :(
I have been married for almost 11, lived together for 12, known each other for 20. My husband use to make love to me before marriage. Its like we got married and the sex and romance and intimacy disappeared. I long for the days I couldn’t walk past him without him reaching ut and kissing me. Years ago the sex started to become less frequent… I thought it was stress, work, etc. One day I remember embracing him and went to kiss him to try and rekindle and he yelled at me for groping him and I was only trying to kiss. He told me sex was not a priority. Well. Here we are a decade later. We last had sex 3 1/2 months ago and 4 months before that. Trust me… I have tried talking, not talking, dressing up, not dressing up, nagging, not nagging,… he bought me lingerie for christmas and I wore it for him and he pushed me away and said, “I don’t know why I bought that for you, doesn’t do a thing for me.”
It hurts. A lot.
He’s been to the dr and found thyroid problems in which he is on medication now and the level is proper. He is on testosterone. Still. Nothing. He told me he tried to initiate sex the other night (when I happened to be sick none-the-less) but all he did was grab my shoulder for about 3 seconds in bed… that’s initiating? I’ve tried initiating, creating romance, being spontaneous. He told me years ago I was “too horny” but he stole my passion and I feel like he truly stole a part of me and us.
I feel so much resentment towards him and I’m at a point of not loving him anymore. I don’t even hate him. Just resent and pity him.
He is 45 and I am 39.
I have been married for almost 11, lived together for 12, known each other for 20. My husband use to make love to me before marriage. Its like we got married and the sex and romance and intimacy disappeared. I long for the days I couldn’t walk past him without him reaching ut and kissing me. Years ago the sex started to become less frequent… I thought it was stress, work, etc. One day I remember embracing him and went to kiss him to try and rekindle and he yelled at me for groping him and I was only trying to kiss. He told me sex was not a priority. Well. Here we are a decade later. We last had sex 3 1/2 months ago and 4 months before that. Trust me… I have tried talking, not talking, dressing up, not dressing up, nagging, not nagging,… he bought me lingerie for christmas and I wore it for him and he pushed me away and said, “I don’t know why I bought that for you, doesn’t do a thing for me.”
It hurts. A lot.
He’s been to the dr and found thyroid problems in which he is on medication now and the level is proper. He is on testosterone. Still. Nothing. He told me he tried to initiate sex the other night (when I happened to be sick none-the-less) but all he did was grab my shoulder for about 3 seconds in bed… that’s initiating? I’ve tried initiating, creating romance, being spontaneous. He told me years ago I was “too horny” but he stole my passion and I feel like he truly stole a part of me and us.
I feel so much resentment towards him and I’m at a point of not loving him anymore. I don’t even hate him. Just resent and pity him.
Hi ej, have you thought back to what was happening when things were going well for you two? Often a counselor can be helpful for couples to work through what changed and negatively impacts your marriage. If you put yourself in his shoes, what would he say are the struggles that your marriage has right now? Have you ever talked with him about those? Has your communication with him been as a team working together against a common challenge or as opponents looking to defend yourself and place responsibility on the other?
My husband & I have been married 15 yrs and have children. I am in my late 30′s & he early 40′s. When I met him he had a reputation for being w/lots of women. Our sex life used to be frequent but not that great for me. It was all about him. A few yrs back our sex life slowed to 2x a month but when we were intimate it was amazing & he was doing things we had never done. I want it more & he doesn’t even care if we do it, unless he’s about to explode! Then it is so quick I don’t get any enjoyment & he will apologize & say “next time is for you, we need to do it more & that wouldn’t happen.” I try, initiate etc. he is the one that comes home & either falls asleep on the couch or is busy doing other things & seems to have no desire. I went thru the “is it me” “I am not attractive” all the insecurities & self blame. There is nothing wrong w/me! I am attractive, fun & this is his problem! When I try to talk to him he tells me he loves me & wants me & he’ll do better. Nothing ever changes! For some reason when we fight it turns him on, but I do not like fighting or chaos. It’s really making us grow apart & I feel distant and alone. I can’t believe so many women are dealing with this! I don’t know if he is cheating or what is going on but I have let him know how I feel & done everything I can. He will be sorry…I have tried to fix this. maybe once I find someone else he will want to be w/me.
Morgan,
I’m glad you stopped by too and shared about your relationship with your fiance.
I think that you probably see the writing on the wall as it were in what’s been happening in your relationship. It sounds like your relationship is definitely not what it once was, and he has recognized that so has postponed your wedding.
You need to ask yourself if you want to continue in this relationship or not. If he is bored with you now, what is going to change once you are married? I strongly suggest that you think about the feelings that you are having….most often when the man stops having sex there are a number of different reasons for them, most of which have very little to do with the woman.
Meanwhile, we have a team of online mentors that would be more than happy to walk alongside of you on this journey. Just fill out the form on this page http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and one of them will email you back.
Leigh, thanks for stopping by and sharing your story of healing and God’s forgiveness in your marriage. I admire you for taking a stand for your marriage and working on it even though it sounds like it has been very difficult at times. You are so right in saying that you both need to be walking close to God in order to experience full healing and for your part, prayer is so important. You can’t change your husband in your own power.
We have wonderful prayer mentors that would love to pray with you for your husband and your marriage. Just go to this page and fill it out and someone will email you back. http://powertochange.com/discover/need-prayer/ Don’t give up on your husband, but continue to pray for him and ask God to change him from the inside out.
And in the meantime, continue to be a blessing to him as it sounds you have been these past years. Speak blessing and not cursing and continue to encourage him to talk. Do fun things together…enjoy being together. http://powertochange.com/itv/family/communication-in-marriage1/ is a great video clip that reminds us why it is important to reconnect before we try to ‘talk’….I hope you enjoy it!
i have been engaged for a while and been with my fiance for over 3 years now and in the beginining of our relationship we would hav sex more than 2 times a day up until 4 months it decreased to 5 times a week when we got to a year now you see the pattern. now its i initiated all the time and i get shot down with him saying no all the time. is there something wrong with me? he has 4 days ago postponed our wedding date. i get “lucky if i can have sex 1 time a week but even if then its always the way he wants it and i dont get pleasured the way i want. its always when he wants it and i have to deal with that. i tried your steps and hes not coming around. i discovered porn on his phone and asked him about it and he said he was “bored”. we have changed and done everything with our sex life i feel like the relationship that i share with him is failing. i feel unsatisified, unfeminine, and duscusted with myself.
I have been married for 15 years. I had a lot of personal issues in the first few years of my marriage being insecure, emotional and punishing. Sex was always good but I felt I had to initiate it mostly. I didn’t feel that my husband desired me which fed into a lot of other insecurities I had. About 4 1/2 years into my marriage a co-worker began flirting with me and I really liked the attention. It culminated into an affair. My husband discovered my adultery and said it was over. I drew close, very close to God and in my relationship with Him, I really felt led to stand for my marriage. My husband never physically left the home but we were estranged and for years he was emotionally gone. He was hurting so badly and experienced a deep, lasting depression. God worked on me and showed me the error of my ways. Not just the adultery but the critical spirit, the anger, the grudges, all of it. I still stood for my marriage and in 2007, after years of charnge and him “warming up” to me, he stated he loved me, had always hoped that we would be reconciled and wanted our marriage to work. Sex resumed but for a short span of time. We haven’t been intimate since 2007. He doesn’t like counseling at all and has not maintained visits to a therapist. I have tried all of the things mentioned in this article-talking to him gently, without blame. Being vulnerable, letting him know how much I desire complete intimacy and healing. It does no good. He knows there is a problem but is afraid to deal with it. Despite giving him many opportunities and trying to talk, I feel that he still hasn’t forgiven me completely for my adultery. He and his family tend to repress things more and are uncomfortable expressing feelings. I don’t think he has really dealt head on with the pain of my adultery. I think he has tried to repress and avoid it and so it still lingers. Despite not having sex, I am completely faithful. I learned from my sin. I have also changed and so do not present the bitter spirit I once did all those years ago. But I have to confess, the pain sometimes is so hard to bear, especially as I don’t have a way to share it with anyone. It is hard not to feel insecure, unfeminine. And it is sometimes hard not to feel like I can never be free of a painful past. My husband is very affectionate and sweet but only in safe, platonic ways. He tells me and treats me as if he loves me but the sex has not resumed. I know he has experienced fears about performance issues since day one of our relationship but I don’t seem to be able to reassure him, despite the fact that I have been truly changed and for all these years. I have been praying for years and our marriage is not fully healed. He used to be very close to God but has been estranged from Him for years. I know that we both need to be walking close to God in order to experience that full healing but since I cannot make that happen in my husband, all I can do is pray.
Hi Jen,
You are going to have to take a risk and jump into the conversation. As I wrote to Dinu, the thing that is going to make the difference is talking this through. But you don’t want to come out with guns blazing, but instead work out how you can say it so that the two of you are on the same side addressing the challenge rather than being on opposite sides taking shots at each other. You want to make sure that you reassure him that you need his help in figuring this part of your relationship out. Help him to understand how the lack of sexual intimacy impacts you. He probably won’t get it right away but if you keep saying it in different ways eventually he will begin to feel what you feel.
I don’t know if you have ever talked to God about stuff like this but He wants to help you. He has a plan for how your marriage can help both of you flourish. Looking to Him for help and direction is going to transform how you live your life and how you love one another. Let me invite you to talk to one of our online mentors and talk through how God can help your marriage shine. Fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor and one of our mentors will connect with you by email.
Hi Dinu,
I know it can be really hard to have a conversation that doesn’t seem to go anywhere but I would really encourage you to keep working at it. Talking things through will in the end be the thing that will bring about the change. The key is not having the same conversation but coming at it from different directions and with different attitudes. So many times we fall into the trap of approaching the conversation as a fight. Instead, the better way is to approach the issue as a team looking at a challenge that needs to be overcome together. It moves us from being opponents looking for weakness in the other to team mates using the strengths of one another to accomplish something more than we could as two individuals. This takes some thought and intentionality. What are the strengths that your husband has for dealing with this issue? What do you bring that will help overcome this challenge in your relationship? One of the things that a counselor can assist you with is getting past the normal habits of your conversation and identify how your strengths complement one another.
I also have to say that in my marriage, our relationship with God has made a huge difference in finding healing for the ways we have hurt each other. Our team is made up of three instead of just two and our team mate God is an unlimited supply of wisdom, strength, imagination and commitment. His love transforms both of us so that we are better equipped to love each other. Have you ever experienced God help your marriage like that?
Hi Marie,
Can I ask you a few questions? You said you have been to a church counsellor and that you pray for your husband, are you both followers of Jesus? When you said that your husband always wanted sex when you were dating, did you have sex prior to being married? The reason I ask that is because for many people, their sexual problems in marriage are often a result of their pre-marital sexual activity, especially for those who grew up in a church. God created husbands and wives to enjoy the intimate sharing of themselves within the context of the marriage covenant. When we engage in sexual activity that goes outside those boundaries it degrades what God originally intended sex to be about and that impacts the way we view intimacy. Christians often have the added component of guilt because they had been told that sex was to be saved for marriage.
Do you think that fits your situation? I would recommend reading some of Barbara Wilson’s articles that talk about healing from sexual past (http://powertochange.com/blogposts/author/bwilson) and also getting a hold of books like “Kiss Me Again: Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage” (Barbara Wilson), “Sex and the Soul of a Woman: How God Restores the Beauty of Relationship from the Pain of Regret” (Paula Rinehart), “Undefiled: Redemption From Sexual Sin, Restoration For Broken Relationships” (Harry Schaumberg). You can also talk with one of our online mentors who can help you look at possible ways to make some changes in your marriage. If you fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor one of our mentors will connect with by email.
Hi Whitnie,
I can understand your frustration but I want to caution you; because there has been such a change in his response since coming home I would walk carefully through this. A significant change can be the result of many different things. I know you said his military tour was nothing life threatening but people can get impacted by lots of different experiences. I am sure that you have talked through with him the things he experienced but you may have to give him some time to figure out how he goes back to normal life after such a big change. I would recommend talking to a marriage counsellor, especially somebody who is familiar with military couples. Your husband may need some help processing his experiences away and talking that through with a professional can be very helpful.
You also want to make sure that you are building up him as you go through this together. Find ways of communicating your love, and respect for him are important things to focus your efforts. As Dave and Donalynn point out in the article if your husband is feeling criticized especially about his libido it is not going to help him ‘get in the mood’. I am not suggesting that you keep your frustration quiet but communicating it in a way that keeps you working on it together rather than becoming opponents each cutting down the other. Again, I would say it is significant that the change came from his time away from home. Something has happened that has impacted him. The lack of sexual appetite is a symptom and figuring out the underlying problem will be important to discover.
I am a 50 year old woman and my husband is 55. We do not have children but we have been married for 33 years. I am very concerned about the issue of lack of sex. I feel that with the house being empty of children we should be having all kinds od sex. However we have sex, maybe twice per year. My husband doesn’t even seem comfortable touching me. I touch him and he stiffens up and if he touches me by accident he says sorry. He does not say anything romantic to me and does not say he loves me anymore. Our conversations are friendly. We talk about politics, other family members, current affairs, the weather etc. The house hold is very peaceful as we do not argue. I do not know how to approach the subject with him because I would hate to disturb the peace. When we were young we used to have sex a lot and could hardly keep our hands off each other. We are now like brother and sister. He shows love to me in other ways like he is very defensive of me and will take good care of me if I am sick and anticipate my needs (other than sex). Help me please. How do I talk to him about this and how do I regain a normal marriage?
Hey girls, It is very sad what i am reading here. I never knew about it in Brazil. I am a brazilian beautiful sexy woman, i married a brazilian man for almost 20 years and we ALWAYS had nice time of intimacy. And now i am living with a canadian man, it is just 1 year and no sex. He just does not want any physical contact. No kisses, no hugs, no sex. Is it a canadian problem?? I am kind of lost in this subject. I think that the best thing is to look for a latine man, and you will NEVER see this kind of behavior. Latine men are sexy, romantic, and ALWAYS horny. Don´t loose your time with these cold men. You are just loosing your time. They are just humiliating you to feel their ego fed. Sorry, that is my point of view. And if you don´t believe me, just ask for all women in brazil, about men there. They NEVER leave a woman unsatisfied. Good luck to everybody.
Hi,
We have been married for 6 years, we have 3 children ,and the past 4 years I don’t see any interest for sex from my husbands side.He has High blood pressure and is taking medication for it.But he seems to be very interested in sex chatting with other women.After i got to know these I felt very unsecure about myself,and feared may be he’s having sex with any of them. I asked him about this, he said it’s just innocent fun. Then he promised me he’ll never do it again. But I feel he’s still doing it. When I talk dirty, He says it’s funny. I don’t understand. We have spoken about it many times but it’s not working. I really want him to want me again. what can I do
Hi,
I have been married to my husband for almost 4 years. He doesn’t show any sexual interest in me at all!! The first year of our marriage was rough but we got through it. For the last 3 years of it there has been very little sex. He wanted to have sex with me all the time when we were dating and then once we got married it just stopped. We have been to church counselors and I have shared my feelings about it many times with my husband but it never changes. Everytime we talk about it there is always some other reason as to why he doesn’t want to. We only have sex 2-3 times a month and that’s on a good month. I don’t know anyone personally who has this issue with there husband so any advice would be nice. He only ever pecks me when we kiss, will hardly cuddle me at night and doesn’t even like me to wear lingere, won’t let me lay on him or show him any kind of sexual attention because he says it makes him uncomfortable. I am now almost 24 and he will be 27 this year, it’s not normal!! Everyone I know that has this problem is with there wife not husband! I love my husband to pieces but this is getting really old and I have been so patient with him. I just want to have an actual relationship with him. I feel we are just roommates living together not husband and wife. I workout out and eat right and always try to keep myself looking good for him but nothing works. At this point I just want to give up but I love him so much and would do anything for him. I pray for him everyday and just wish I had an answer.
Thanks for your time,
Marie
I’m 23, and have been married for 6 months, my husband is military and just came back home, he wasn’t anywhere life threatening, but was still gone for a very long time. Ever since he has came home he will not touch me, he will not try and have sex with me, and he even if I’m just trying to have a passionate kiss he wants a peck. When we were dating it was sex 3 times a day, in every spot of The house, crazy positions everything, and now, its NOTHING. You would think that since he came home he would be ready to go and stuff, but he is not. He just plays xbox or wants to watch a shoot em up movie. I HAVE to have sex, and if I don’t, I start thinking of all the people I could have sex with, and this sounds horrible, but I almost regret getting married because I can’t even get [expletive removed] by my 24yr old husband, I love him so much I would never cheat on him but I WANT MALE ATTENTION SOOOOO BAD. I read the bible verse up there, and I really think I’m going to send it to him. this is getting ridiculous.
Maya is right in telling you that this is not a healthy relationship AJ. You are both young and you need to be able to not only talk through the issues but get some help.
I disagree with her comment however that ‘if the man is not interested in you intimately he is getting his “groove” on somewhere else.’ There are other issues that can be affecting him such as stress, high blood pressure, medical issues, or just fatigue. The most important thing is to communicate and not settle for leaving it the way it is…it won’t improve unless you work it through. And the only way to do that is to communicate, communicate, communicate. He needs to know how this is affecting you and that you value your relationship too much to settle for this.
Hello! I want to share with its history. One day after work I met a classmate who was in love with the entire female half of the school, including me. We chatted with him went to dinner. And so everything was gone. We met a year everything was just super, and then I noticed that he was looking not only for me! Began a quarrel, resentment, and life became a nightmare. A vid we were going to legalize our relationship. So half a year has passed, the more I did not able to tolerate, turned magician (personal information edited to protect you), after work we all curled up in a quiet channel. Now, for him, I only have one.
This is not a healthy relationship. I was in a 20 year relationship like you describe, AJ, but I was too young and naive and embarrassed to realize if the man is not interested in you intimately he is getting his “groove” on somewhere else. Maybe it is not with another woman or not for love elsewhere but a distorted issue in his focus. I recommend you see a therapist right away. You deserve the attention and feeling the closeness of a relationship.
Interestingly, I ended up in a recent relationship where “he ” has superficially touched me only 3 times in 6 months for no more than 5 minutes.
After a talk with him he went to therapy. There was a an “issue” there from long ago. Seems I attract the good ones who have issues in this arena.
Hang in there AJ but demand what you need in a nice way or don’t be afraid to back away from the relationship.
Hi Karina, how does your husband respond when you tell him how his unresponsiveness makes you feel?
Hi,
Im married for two years now.but i have hardly seen my husband showing interest in sex.i always try to love him ,care him,be with him in my all possible ways .but still never seen the enthusiam as every wife expects frm her husband.i tried to talk to him what is his problem but he denied but pointing at me that i dnt love him,i try to act as i love him.but i really damn love him.how should i let him know i love him & i need the same love from him.we both have an age difference of 7years in between im 25 & he is 32.is the age gap hindering between us? just help me our marriage is in danger.because of lack of connectivity between us i get so frustrated as im young & wants to have love & sex from my husband which i never ever get it.im tired of approaching him in the way of letters ,mails, sexy dresses,food, cuddling him all done but he always responds to them in negative way never im 2years i have seen him reacting positively ,may be for fractions of seconds but it vanishes soon. idnt know what is his problem is he having an affair? i know he dnt have any erectile or physical problems.plz help im tried of this life we both live together in the same house ,same bed but as unknown people.we just hv a bit of kisses & hugs very formally .apart from that nothing.is he angry with me or he dnt like me.please it would be great if you could help me in this.
many Thanks,
AJ
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