Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!
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So often I hear about how much men need sex, but my husband has no interest in sex. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my husband want me?
Donalyn: Well first of all, there is nothing wrong with you! The first response of most women in your situation is to second-guess or blame themselves. While your husband’s lack of desire is certainly a problem, it is most likely not a problem with you. In fact, most sexual problems aren’t sexual at all.
Dave: That is right Donalyn. We sometimes have the idea that for men, the sexual experience is detached from what is going on inside. In reality, a man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desire. If he feels emotionally distant from his wife, and especially if he feels like a failure in any way, it can lead to a lack of confidence and therefore a lack of interest in sex. For a man, sexual performance is very much tied to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself it will definitely show up in his approach to sexual intimacy with his wife.
Donalyn: As women, we know that our sexual appetite is diminished when we do not feel connected to our husbands, or if there is unresolved anger between us. But we forget that our husband’s sex drive can also suffer for these same reasons. Likewise, if a man is overworked or under a lot of stress, whether inside or outside the home, sexual interest may start to take a back seat.
A Conversation about Love & God
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.
Dave: Of course, there are all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here too. If your husband has had any struggles with erectile dysfunction, that is likely a huge contributing factor. If he is feeling any lack of confidence in his ability to perform, he will almost certainly shy away from physical intimacy. Libido is also significantly impacted by testosterone levels, so if your husband has low testosterone, that could be the cause. Drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, may hinder the sexual desire. The good news is that many of the physical factors are very treatable, so it may be time for your husband to have a doctor’s appointment to get some help with this.
Donalyn: Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which are not so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person’s involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities. That is becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the Internet.
Dave: It is true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it’s a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.
Donalyn: So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he is just getting those needs met elsewhere.
Dave: Exactly. And it is not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a variety of fantasy sources, combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping women out and fantasizing about them later. Others give into their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be “neuter” for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there does not seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.
Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.
Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.
Donalyn: I would ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest. Ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Maybe he knows exactly what the problem is, or perhaps you will have to work through it together to discover what lies at the root. The best thing you can do is approach it as a team. He cannot be made to feel like this is all his problem to solve on his own. He needs to know that you are on the same side. So share with him your needs and your desires – how you would like things to be. Then work together to get there.
Dave: That is right. Support him throughout the process as he works through his fears and insecurity. Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.
Donalyn: Right. But that is tough to do if you discover that pornography or other illegitimate behaviors are part of the picture.
Dave: Yes, that is very true. But if you do suspect that this is a factor, you are going to ask him the tough questions about where he is having his sexual needs met. And as hard as it will be, if your husband has the courage to open up with you and share his struggles in this area, he will need your support. These issues can be worked through and overcome, but not without a great deal of patience and understanding.
Donalyn: It is also important to find out if there is anything that you have been doing to contribute to the problem. Not that it ever excuses wrong behavior on his part, but you need to know if you have said or done anything to turn him away from you. It may be that you have a critical spirit, that you have been controlling him or cutting him down, or that you are making him feel less of a man. If so, these are behaviors that you can take responsibility for and begin to change, in order to improve the situation between you.
Dave: Absolutely. If a man is feeling constantly criticized or dominated, it creates big damage to his self-worth, and that filters down to his sexual interest. So find out what issues may be coming between you and take positive steps to resolve them. You might even read some marriage and sexuality resources to help you through this process. Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman and Staying Close, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey are good places to start.
Donalyn: Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.
Dave: Keep in mind 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”
While I would not necessarily recommend preaching at your husband, every couple needs to remember that depriving or denying each other increases the temptation to have sexual needs met elsewhere. Again, it never legitimizes it. But a wise person will work to keep their spouse satisfied within the marriage.
Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Does your sex life need help? Find out why men can have a low sex drive.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
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Hi Enzo,
I m sure u r rite in what u say and i do accept.Before my marriage, i didnt have too much of likeness for sex, but once i had tasted the colour of sex, i wanted it. Many times i had expressed my husband that i m going in a wrong way but still no reaction from his side, only my guiltiness remains.
Now, i can also again control my feelings as i had done earlier, but wat will i do if i expect pregnancy….
Doc, had advised me to go for natural sex to expect pregnancy. Tell me how should i overcome it.
Pls reply me…
Dear Kavi
Firstly, I think that you are adult and that you will find the solutions and the ways to feel fine
Secondly, it is very important that you work on you feeling guilty
When you’ll have overcome this feeling, you will feel and be far better
It is like if you had a broken leg: you cannot go ahead and it hurts.
How to eliminate this feeling?
If you become aware that having likeness for sex, watching sex movies (where you see fiction and not reality) and having sex chat (where most of people lie or exagerate) is a natural need, then you will feel better and be able to drive your life again
Millions of people need sex, millions of people are like you are, at this moment and days and night
The only thing wich is important is to manage these needs and to respect yourself and the others
It means you have to make only things you are comfortable with, regarding yourself, your man, your family, your friends, the people you meet in the chat
If you masturbate, it’s better to make it in privacy (or with your man if he desires it). Make it with respect to your body. Try to be soft and gentle with you. Try to spare time for yourself, your friends, your family, your neighbours, for all those you appreciate.
“What will i do if i expect pregnancy….”
To have children is fantastic. It is the most beautiful thing and also the most important responsability you may have
Even if everything goes right, you have to face difficult moments when you are the parent
That is why it is very important to have a child when you are sure it is the right moment with the right person
Through your lines, it seems that your husband doesn’t want a child
You need to be two to “make” a baby
You need to be two to take care of him/her
You need to be two to educate him/her
Yes, some women make it alone and it may be better alone than with a bad/dangerous father
But in your case could you tell he would be a bad/dangerous father?
He just seems not wanting children (for the moment?)
How old are you? How old is he?
What is your story. What is his?
Before mariage have you spoken of having children?
What was the discussion?
I would say that the right moment is still to come for you to have a child
Kindly ask your husband
Try not to speak, keep quiet
Only ask kindly questions over life, over babies, over the present, the future
And listen to him, to what he says
Listen to his own questions
Find the right moment and the right place for this
Prepare you to be open, to be conscious of what is says, how he reacts
Make everything so he feels allright, free to speak and that you are sincerely interested by what he says
@ Penelope
You say:
“Then most of the time when we make love he finishes leaving me still in the mood but refuses to let me get him back up and going”
Someone who is not interested by your needs and your feelings is not interested by you
He comes, have a quicky, then a few more and then finished: he treats you like a whore (except he doesn’t pay for it!)
Now, he just acts like you want he acts:
You need to make love and you make it quickly when he comes back home
Try to replace need by desire
Try to wait to be seduced by him before he has the right to touch you
Accept to be touched only after he has seduced you
And then, accept his member in your body only when you are going to orgasm, or after your first orgasm
Not before
So you are sure to orgasm
Let him come only at the last moment
Accept new intercourse only after he has fondled you, caressed you, brought you in the most pleasurable sensations
Try to let his organ away from your body during all this
A man will never be interested by you after he has come (only to come again if he has the stamina for it)
There are certainly exceptions, but your fiance seems not to be one of them
If all this doesn’t work with him, you have to choose between accepting the unsatisfying live with him
Or finding someone more interested by your feelings, your desires…
Dear Enzo,
thanks for your suggestions. Will try to avoid sex chat and seeing sex movies. I had tried several times to have open talk with my husband. But till now it’s a great failure. I will be one man show, he will not say or express anything.
He says he wants child but not interested in sex. My age is 29 yrs and his age is 30.
I had went for artificial pregnancy treatment also and he accepts it too. I dont know how my life is going to be now and in future.
Well to get into something else…..Last night I tried something I used to do when we first met 11 years ago…… And as I sit here alone I wish I didn’t… I fired up some candles showered down oiled me up…..put some music on w/ surround sound… got into bed with my Sleeping mate………& I could not wait for the fire works like it was The 4th of July but…….What I got was ..ZzzzzzzzzZzzzzzzzzzzzz but then the door bell rang it was a mistake by the kids & he got up 2 see what was wrong?????????? Ok this is good right????? Now he SEEEEE the room & what I’ve done……..Well he got back in bed & now Under the covers…………didn’t say squat……….& then Zzzzzzzzzzz.Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz Now I’m all tears…….in the nude………….so I put my pj s on & go to bed crying………..W T F……..
Hey…..how did I forget this part………this morning we get up like nothing happened & I didn’t say a word cause I would have been the nagging wife again!!!!!!! So he went & did the whole car cleaning thing… all day so I cleaned the bed room all day put all my candles & cute sleep wear away…….boy shorts, thongs,teddys..all I have out is reg ole P Js……. I’m not trying anymore. So I ask him did he remember lastnight he said why what happened????????. NOTHING………….I just feel sooo dumb………
14 years of marriage and 2 years together = 16 years of unrequited sexual attention. I was a beautiful 18 year old when we met. Skinny, pretty and sensual. He had all the excuses with the most comon one being too tired, yet he could throw his cricket bag over his shoulder after a hard days work and play indoor cricket for several hours. His excuses of too tired didn’t explain why he would masturbate almost daily in secret. I naturally thought it was my fault somehow and did everything from radical dieting to sexy lingerie, role playing, counselling, reading, naturopathy herbal remedies and ego stroking. Nothing worked. The only thing that made any difference was when 3 years ago he thought I was having an affair…he was right, but he never knew for sure. He wanted sex constantly and would go at it like an man possessed. Like marking his territory. I tired of it quickly. I was finally getting the sex, but realised that there was no intimacy, no connection. It didn’t feel good at all. Now here I am. A 34 year old mother of two (beautiful) children. The only thing that makes me not completely regret the last 16 years, but what a waste, what a terrible waste. You never get that time again. I wish someone could have told me this, but people didn’t speak of such things and if they did it wasn’t helpful advice, I mean, unless you have actually experienced this, how would you know? How would you know of the pain, the self loathing, the confusion, the longing. How would they know? If it’s not there at the beginning, it never will be. It’s the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Leaving a good man is hard to do. But the price of staying is too high. Part as friends, because without intimacy, that is all you are anyway. My husband and I are now separating. We are doing this with love and respect, but I still feel that this would have been so much easier on both of us if it had been done a long time ago. Girls, you are not alone, and it is NOT your fault. Please make wise decisions no matter how hard. Regret is a painful emotion. You will never get these years back.
P.S: No matter how hard you try and how hard you attempt to ignore it, the longing will NEVER go away…NEVER. It will eat and fester away inside you like a disease.
Hey Mel..funny part is I sealed the box wit tape & wrote do not open…..don’t need this round here…..well he saw it and asked what’s in the box??? My reply candles & stuff…..& walked away….well he got in bed & is gone to sleep in 2.5 sec.s soooo I got out of bed & I’m now sitting out side @ 12:52 am…….been out here sense 11:18 he has yet to even realize I’m gone from the room….this hurts soooo bad I can’t eat, can’t sleep….I can’t concentrate @ work….this is really drivin me up a wall……I cry my selfe to sleep every night….
These are all good posts — I think it is a very difficult problem when one partner wants to have sex, and the other one doesn’t, for whatever reason. It leads to the most depressing of feelings, being rejected. Even when you tell yourself that it’s not your fault, that this person you love has not rejected you for any reason that you can figure out, it still hurts. I have a husband who loves me, but he has kidney disease and doesn’t have the sex drive that I do. I can tell myself that it’s all right, that I can busy myself with work and with other activities, but when you come right down to it, being wanted more than once every couple of months is pretty important for a marital relationship to work without feeling frustrated and angry. I knew my husband had health issues before I married him, and I told him that I didn’t want to get married unless he recognized that I wouldn’t do without sex if he was not interested because of his health. He agreed, and said he wanted me to be happy. The problem is that he is interested every once in a while, but not nearly enough for me now, unlike when we got married. At what point do you come right out and say, “I love you, I want to stay with you, but I need someone else in my life to be a sex partner because you’re just not interested in me?” I haven’t gotten there yet, but I can feel that the relationship is getting there…and I don’t want to cause him that pain of feeling that he can’t satisfy me, but I saw it coming and tried to warn him that I wouldn’t live a sexless life.
You want your partner to not feel emotionally rejected because you go elsewhere—not to mention the threat of STDs. Yet if you don’t do something, YOU feel rejected, angry, and frustrated. It’s going to cause an emotional upheaval in the marriage no matter what. There is no easy answer that I can see. I would recommend to any woman (or man) going through this dilemma of “not enough sex” to try to figure out every conceivable way to make things better, and then be honest about what’s going on. You have a right to be happy and to enjoy sex with a partner who wants sex with you. . . otherwise you’re just living with a roommate. I think it is a matter of balancing your needs with your partner’s, and not accepting the short end of the stick for years on end. But obviously, I haven’t solved the problem yet because the one time I brought the subject up and told him I thought I needed to find someone else so I could have more sex, he was so upset that he forced himself to have sex more often for several weeks, which was even worse. I could tell how much he was trying, and that he was forcing himself to be affectionate when he didn’t want to. I felt like such a cad for even bringing up the subject, but when is “not enough, not enough?”
Help!the sex between me and my husband is great! when he give’s it.It seems he only wants head for the past few days .Is it me?or do all men just want to be pleased and not caring for her feelings.Do i stop giving it to him to make him want to have sex with me or what help!!!!!!
Dear Pammie
“Sex is great…when he gives it!”
It means your are the “beggar”, he is the “donateur”
One cannot cheat with love
All the behaviours and attitudes of both are revealed by the way we behave before, during and after we make love
And I would say that the point is not:
-…he only wants (my) head…(that shows that consciously or not you are the “slave” on your knees, that get in her innocent(?) mouth the sexual weapon of your “master”)
The expression is curious, too: when one wants the head of someone, it usually means to catch him and to kill him
What could have you said (you or a other woman, consciously or not) to your husband so he treats you like he does, less than a whore? (Less because I suppose he doesn’t pay you for this. A whore gets at least money for this. She can also choose to give head or not. But do not misunderstand: I do not say he went to paying ladies)
Symbolically, one could think he his making you pay for something that you or another woman as told him… with her mouth!
And now, he punishes you, or the women, for this.
He demonstrates a need of revenge
It is quite different when two lovers make a fellatio: they make what pleases both during intercourse
Shortly said: one could guess a big anger in the manners of you man
It doesn’t mean it your fault, nor his own
It means there is a problem uphill and, as long as it is not cleared you will (both) suffer of it
It may be the kind of problem you need a lifetime to treat, but the good new is that during discussing the problem you may be surprised to find pleasure again making love together
PS: Usually all men loves to care of their woman. All man naturally tend to pleasure their lady.
We just get an education (women too) that denies the (sexual) pleasure.
An education or a culture that says it is dirty to masturbate when you are a child (and later too)
That it is dirty when you are a child and you want to play (and not to force) innocently with the tiny private parts of an another child to explore and experiment the first steps of sexuality
Then, when you become and adult, you are filled with contradictions: you want to pleasure someone, but it is forbidden, dirty, to give and to get pleasure
Now, one can evoluate and learn what is really good or not
One can take the decision to throw away the worst part of education and listen to the healthy call of the shared pleasure(s)
That leads to behaviours that make you reconciliate with the life, with yourself, with your man…
Waweh: You’re now an auto-moderation. Act like an adult or we’ll treat you like a 12 year old. (Need to be 13+ to comment on this site)
Tee Tot: I apologize for not getting to the comment earlier. I’ve removed your comment as it wouldn’t look good without the context. I hope that’s ok.
I was doing some playful grabby tonight, the kids couldn’t see it. I got cold shoulder and he pushed me away. And i got upset, he then turns around and says if you don’t like it here with me then you can leave.
I tried talking to him, but he says i don’t want to talk about it in front of my kids.
I gave. It never seems to be the right time, he is either asleep or on the computer when the kids are asleep.
So I am thinking about making a decision i don’t want to make, but what else can i do.
I am not happy with no sex life.
let me make it clear, i was paying grabby over the clothes. Nothing nasty or anything.
I would never do that with the kids up and around
tim99 I am so sorry to hear about what your going through, I have been there myself and it is a devastating feeling. Although my sex life has improved beyond that, it still is not what it once was and what i need it to be. I am absolutely in love with my b/f and we have a lot of fun together but without a satisfying sex relationship I am begining to feel disconnected from him and emotionally numb. I have ended our relationship a few times and he changes for a while, it doesnt last tho. You may want to call your husbands bluff and leave or have him leave since there are children involved; this may cause him to wake up and realize that he does not want to live without you. Or you may come to the realization that you deservce better and have a right to be happy. I must add that it will be hard on the children but the kids sense the tension and if you are unhappy your kids will notice that too. Are you in love with your husband…because thats where my problem lies. I was married for 17 years with someone who wanted sex all the time, we had a great sex life but I did not love him and he knew it, so I left. Now I am in love and my sex life sucks.(karma?) Why does love have to be so difficult?
Thank you Sheila.
I do love him, but I don’t love nor like his ways. He never talks to me about what he is feeling. Every time I bring it up, he says not now. Not in front of the kids. We will talk about it later. Well guess what “later” never comes.
I hate it, I mean I hate the way I feel. I have no feelings when it comes to him. I am tired of trying and get the cold shoulder from him.
As the saying goes what is good for the goose is not good for the gander.
Well that is so true in my relationship. If i do something that he doesn’t like, then he gets all mad and he holds it in for days. But when he does something i am not allowed to get mad nor am i allowed to even talk about it the next day.
I am always pushed to the back burner and i feel like i am a doll and put up on the shelf until he wants to pull me down. And then when he is tired of me he puts me back on the shelf and that is where i sit.
He also said that we just did something about 2 weeks ago, yeah right try the 19th of last month. wow that sure was 2 weeks ago.
I am just so tired of feeling lonely.
I am not sure what is worse feeling this way and being alone or feeling this way with someone so close.
Dear Sheila
One can see that you are before a very important choice in your life
Maybe you could ask a conselour to make the best approach of the problem
You should study all the consequences of your final decision
When you know them exactly, prepare yourself to the worse when you will announce your position (I hope it will not happen)
Some men are “glad” that their wife leaves them
Some react very brutally
Try to find good help (social advisors or so) before announcing your decision
I wish you find a good help
I told him this morning as i was leaving to take my son to school that we needed to talk tonight when he came home from work. And he just asked about what? Told him a lot of things, and he acted like it was no big deal and said oh ok. And left and went to work.
From our Marriage Uncensored archives.
http://powertochange.com/family/mu-sex-starved-marriage/
I’m done with even trying…now when ever he sees that something may b wrong with me…..He responds like this..” what’s wrong now?” What didn’t I do?” “What ? I didn’t touch you?” Who the hell even wants to talk to somebody who’s talkin to u like a freakin robot????? I Quit……..his day will come……..
It’s hard when we reach the point of giving up. In those times, the blackness can give in to despair. We are created to be loved and we desire love. It is the deepest craving of our hearts. Love at times leaves one feeling gutted. Read more at http://powertochange.com/crave/discussion/loverisk/ You can also talk to one of the mentors who care about your pain.
‘tseems like human beeing is not yet a real human beeing
need still a pair of generations for him to evoluate to What God seems to have wanted
de day men (and woman) be able to know what happens and how it happens in his/her heart (it mean in his/her -correctly – evoluated brain), then harmony, happyness will be something more reachable
think of it: ‘tseems we are only a step to perfection
but perfection is what we tend to, not a permanent state in everybody on earth, till now
and Nature will have to be patient till it happens
I call my thougts cleverness and humility
Name it as you want: past, present and near future cannot be denied and they show that what I say is correct
If you can live happy with this, then you are very very near God (or what we think is God)
“You are a human being who is loved by God. You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.
Take a minute to think about that – God loves you, and not because of what you do. He loves you for who you are and will never leave you because of anything you’ve done. Isn’t that just the kind of love you’ve always dreamed about?” Read more >> http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/loveandgod/
Hello Kara. I generally am well balanced. I’ve always thought that your have to be happy in 4 areas of your life. Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually and Mentally. I’m stable emotionally, I’ve got a strong faith, and I’m still mentally keen. My problem is physical, and I’m not talking health. I’m healthy. However what brought me to this post is that my husband is denying me what makes us special as a couple. So, no, God’s love isn’t the only love I dream about.
Dear Frustrated
God made us to have healthy pleasures
Try to find ways to get these pleasures is not always easy
I pray you find your ways
I so feel frustrated at times whenever I think of it.. I’m married for three yrs. Trying to get pregnant.. Sad to say , we don’t get to make love for some reasons that he is just too tired to do it, so stressed from his business, and the worst of all is that sometimes he loses his erection while we are trying..
I have opened up with him asking him his feelings towards me, he justifies it well that I ended up forgetting and letting go of the issue.. Now , I’m still young 33 , and I still think I’m sexy as I’m very much conscious with my body , which makes me wonder why he doesn’t get an ercetion.. He gave me a valid explanation.. I do love him so much. But I’m also human . I have my physiologic needs.. Now, I crave for sex sometimes. I get tempted to do it with my x. I know it’s morbid but it gives me the feeling that it’s ok since I don’t get from him as it is his obligation and duty as a husband to give.. Whenever i think of the issue I get angry and frustrated as I don’t want to live him but he is just pushing me away .
I’m so lost, if i will do it with somebody not my husband , Will it make me feel guilty?I guess not..
Dear Michelle
Yes, it will make you feel guilty
And yes it will bring you problems like you’ve never had
Yes, you will regret it for the rest of your life
Now you have to clear: is there a future for you both?
Do you really want a future with him?
If yes, try a way to mend your relationship with him (consellor and so on)
And meanwhile, satisfy yourself in every good ways that respect yourself and your man (may be if you propose him to caress yourself before him, without touching him and without he touches you, telling him that you love him, may be appreciated and giving him the envy to kiss you, to caress you, to cherish you?)
If you see no future with him, you will have to leave him
Because when you say “it is his obligation and duty as a husband to give”, it shows that you don’t love him: you only need him (as a sexual object?)
And when you say “I crave for sex sometimes. I get tempted to do it with my x” it clearly shows that you have not ended with your ex. You have not turned the page
But if you really love him, I am confident you will find good solutions together
I don’t want to demonstrate you are wrong
I don’t want to show you that you have caused the situation
I just put the finger there where you have put the accent
Do you really think that an husband that feels (because lovers feels always this kind of things) his wife is still linked with his ex could be able to make love with his wife?
Do you really think that an husband that feels his wife EXPECT from him to execute “his obligation and duty as a husband” could be able to make love
Two lovers have to seduce, to conquest, to reinforce their love each time they are together if they want their love grow or just maintain
You think you have bought love by the marriage and got eternal duty your husband should make love with you?
I don’t judge you
I just notice
Hope it will help you
Hi again, I read your letter but sad to say I’m disappointed by how I am being misjuddge as someone who doesn’t love my husband.. Let me put it this way, having married for three years but were together for five years before marriage.. It was strong decision for both of us since we came from a diff. Background. And diff. Culture and we fought for those hurdles and started to live a happy life.. He has a big business as he owns a big company . Considering that I figured it is a tough job. We used to have a healthy sexual life but it started when we moved to a diff. Country and again streess as he always say which is justifiable.. Now, Correct me if I’m wrong that he all have needs .. This needs is beyond emotional but probably physical and we want to do it with the one we love.. I’m saying love bec. We can’t do it with anyone.. I crave for sex, and I don’t get it, it crosses my mind, out of frustration I think of doing it .. To whom?? I don’t know but to someone I have connection or had connection with.. I’m over with my x and to think of doing it with my x is something I know is a no no.. However, human as we are , if we are so deprive of something we long , we look for it .. I’m not trying to justify my actions.. It is wrong but I’m feeling so low and depressed .. I don’t want to leave him .. We have spoken about this issue and he keeps on telling me that we will be ok , wait till my business is ok then we will be fine.. I guess I have to live with this .. If it makes me a devoted wife to my husband I will do anything to maintain the dignity .. I hope I won’t wait forever ..one more thing, we are not a conservative old fashion couple, we both are friends with our x .. We both respect that this people are part of our past .. We could be friends withthem.. Nothing more..
Dear Michelle
I can only repeat:
I don’t judge you
I just notice
If you ask you the question: what is really the best for me to do, what do I really need, what is the most important for ME?
Then to any question, you will get the right answer
Because you mightn’t be conscious of it, but wiseness, God is deep inside you
Still deeper than you think
But if you listen to this little voice deep inside you, then you’ll get all the answers. All the solutions you are in search of
Just you have to listen honnestly and carefully
I am sure you will hen take the right decisions and be very very happy for the rest of your life
I am full confident you will succeed
Nota: I am not better than you, nor less good. Just different. But equal
How could I judge someone equal?
I wish you the best Dear Michelle from the bottom of my heart
Michelle, if you would like to speak privately with a mentor about this rather than continuing to post here, you can be matched with a mentor for here (this is a free service offered by this website):
http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
I will be praying that you discover and are able to nurture the kind of relationship with your husband that you desire.
Thanks Enzo. I appreciate your effort in explaining your views .. I respect that .. When I read your message , I figured I may not know myself better than I realized now.. I need a lot of readings and guidance.. I feel I’m lost… And thanks to you Darren , I will consider your advice.
Hi, me and my husband will be celebrating our 1 year wedding anniversary on Sunday. Now we have a lot of issues and so much that we need to work through but one very big issue is the “sex issue” I feel so horrible and so unwanted by him.. I have even made the statement that I thought he was Gay because no matter what he just doesn’t seem to want to get crazy sexual with me. when we do have sex I have to initiate it and he doesn’t want to kiss me, it gets all awkward. He expects oral stimulation from me and then he just wants me to get on top, get him off and then he rolls over and within 5 mins he is asleep.. What the hell is that??? I am 23 years old and he is 24 we are in our prime. we have one son who is 2 he does work full time but dam, come on.. I have had sexual partners before him and I felt more passion coming from some random dude than with my own husband. also when he getting off he doesn’t even act like it really feels all that good?? like his breathing may increase a little but that’s it. can you see why I feel like a complete monster. when I have talked to him about it he says he will work on it but it never changes or it just turns into a big fight. I am very confused. I want my marriage to work but woman have needs to.. Plz help me.
Hello Kathleen
If you sexually expect something from him, if you think that being married give you automatiquely the the right to be …, then, your husband will become powerless
It is not your fault, but your behaviour, your thinking, your expectations make become like he is
The only way for him to feel again like a genuine man is to try to seduce him
And you wan’t win every time
Good luck Kathleen!
My wife and I haven’t had any intimicy or sex in about 30 years. Its been great, sex isn’t what its cracked up to be. I developed E/D high blood pressure and depression early in our marriage and taking meds which has destroyed my libido. And I’m really happy about that and thanked my doctor.
Sex with my wife was a chore. And when that part of my life went away its been great. I really don’t care how she got,who or where she got sex if any. We live together as friends and room mates.
I have been feeling so happy lately. I came to realize that there was no way to fix my husband’s “broken” sexuality and have accepted that.Especially that me and the professionals I engaged were the only ones trying to fix it…and not my husband. Years of trying to implement strategies to figure out medically, emotionally, physically, psychlogically, spiritually why there was no kissing, eye contact, spark, desire, desire to touch me as a woman, on the part of my husband has resulted in a big fat ZERO. I have a single friend…a good friend of my husband’s and mine. We have a great deal in common and he has done many nice things for me. I am not sure how it happened exactly but we end up talking, sharing minds and kissing and heating up on my living room couch almost every night until 4am. It is such a thrill to be desired and to feel his body expressing it.I am overjoyed. Meantime, my husband sleeps in the other room. He knows about it and does not seem to mind at all. He said that I deserve happiness after the hell he has put me through. So, in my case, giving up has been a true blessing. Feel like a teenager again.
there is nothing you put blame on you just kiss him in the morning and on the bed time he feel desire on you.
Decided to write b/c I have ran out of blog to read and also b/c my husband if 1 yr and 5 months is asleep when I want sex. He makes me feel like a freak. I know he knows when I want to get busy so he goes to sleep or just does some thing to piss me off then we argue and I go to bed mad and still unsatisfied. we have discussed this over and over and I have come to realize that when u r tired then u r really tired but when u don’t want to give then what the hell am I suppose to do. I have masturbated with him knowing, he didn’t like it then started to have unpleasant sex with me which is fast and he thinks he is really doing something. I am not conceited I am actualy a little insecure but he knows men want me and he knows I can have any man I want but still no action. when we do have sex It’s great for a second then Bam he’s done and if It’s a lucky day then I get mines. not lately, all about him. When I try and act like I don’t want it doesn’t bother him. its all about him, I don’t even initiate sex b/c I am putting pressure on him and made to feel like a freak….I know I can only pray and ask for forgiveness b/c I want the pleasure from another man these days.
And oh yea he just woke up and ate some chips and got back in bed with no words. He just don’t know how much it hurts not having him want me.
Dear Lola
Before one live with someone, we are full of dreams
And when we live together, it may become a nightmare
Curiously, if you always keep a distance, there will always be a place for seduction (an healthy seduction of course)
If you always sleep together in the same bed, it could mean:
He is like any good in a superstore: I can take him, I can use him (and I have nothing to pay!)
In this case, your man will quickly become DESIELESS, being treated like an object
Even if you love him, you desire him
If you sleep separately and you always keep a certain distance (in the bathroom for instance) you will always need to SEDUCE him to “get” him
It is the same for him
But once you have lived “too near, too long”, it is difficult to put distance
I wish that you will find the right way to seduce him again and to make you desirable for him
Some men are like kids: they would do anything to obtain the toy they want
The day they have get it, they are rapidely bored of it/her and they want a new one, when it’s not the toy of someone else
And some women think men are like objects: “It is mine and I can obtain what I want from it/him, anytime I need”
If one behave like kids, problems occurs quickly that can then be solved only by the intervention of a third person, an adult (a mentor/consellor?)
I wish you the best
Dear Lola
Excuse me: It is not DESIELESS, but DESIRELESS, of course
i m 53 old m earlier i was fully enjoy sex with my spuse know a day white waste was automatic come out and not desire of sex and also i had mild harnia can it effect sex
In the first few weeks after marriage we use to have a lot of sex but after a month we only make love once a week and that is after i complain.I can sense the edge is no more there.He has complained once that am too big and doesnt feel me when we have missionary style..I;m obviously worried thats the results of his lack of intrest..What can i do to tighten my muscles.Could that be the reason or he probably doesnt love me anymore..I’m soo worried.
Dear Maliaka
Maybe, if you read just above what I have said to Lola (September 7), part of may interest you.
I wish you the best
I try to talk to him, but it ends up in an argument. He tells me he is sick (partly true) and he doesn’t seem to want to exercise, work on our business, make love, and I get frustrated that he doesn’t seem to want to try. He has the energy to watch television. I know it comes out as criticism, and it is really. Maybe I don’t love him. We are in our 60′s, have raised a family, and I am happy with my life, but just not with him. I have feelings for him when he is “up”, but that is not often. Is this normal?
I’m hopeless wife ..I’m married for 10 years and have 2 kids , still young 29 years old.. my problem is that my husband has no interest in sex , he does not have sex with me maybe just 3- 4 times during one year … i am now emotionally numb i hate my self i feel i am ugly maybe thats why he’s not attached to me .
I’m broken inside i tried many times with him but he rejected me so bad. i talked to him but didn’t get anything or any logical reason , he says I’m tired , not in the mood , got problems at work etc. 10 years ?? 10 years not in the mood ?
I feel so frustrated , rejected .. I still feel i am beautiful and sexy , his friends and family keep telling him you are a lucky man to have a beautiful wife like me :( but its all words .. nothing would heal me and my blue feelings now , i really want to have sex with him i love him and want him i don’t know what to do. i started watching some porn videos when I’m alone once twice then i cannot continue watching i feel sick from my self and i started crying .. where did i reach and why .. I’m lost so los
Dear Jane,
I am so sorry for your frustration. Would you like a mentor? We offer free and confidential mentoring. Just let me know by leaving another comment and I will get you connected with a mentor right away.
yes i would like to , thank you.
My situation is almost premature, or at least I feel like I might be rushing at something that isn’t really there? Let me explain. I am 35 and my husband is 35 we met and were married when we were both 25 but it didn’t last long. We were divorced and stayed friends over the years … 9 years later we are remarried and we were both so excited and ecstatic to be together. Our sex life was NEVER an issue, if there was any place our relationship flourished it was in the bedroom. We had great chemistry so I never even worried getting remarried that there would ever be a problem. I feel like maybe its just me, that I am not satisfied with the way it is. I don’t feel like he really wants me, wants me, like he used to. We have been married a little over a month and we have sex maybe 2 times a week if I push for it or bring it up. He never just comes at me because he wants me. I don’t have issues with how I look, I feel like I look great. I am tone, tan, and without sounding conceited I have a pretty face. I don’t think its my looks is what I am getting at. I don’t understand because any other time I have dated or in my last marriage, I couldn’t keep them off me. It was me always turning down sex. Now that I am with him again, my true love, I can’t stand to not have him in my arms. I want him all the time. My desire is increasing as he pulls away. I caught myself fantasizing about a man I was watching in a movie one night, imagining how good it would feel to just be taken by someone who desired me. I have never worried about this. Not with my husband I always and still do only have eyes for him. He absolutely does it for me and I love him deeply on top of it all. What do i do? Do I give it more time and see because I can feel the difference. I have brought it up but he just says he doesn’t think anything is wrong. Which of course gave me a huge issue, thinking I don’t turn him on. He isn’t into pornography. Even this last weekend. We had NO KIDS ALL WEEKEND … what am I thinking … ok sex sex and more sex. What is he thinking sleep sleep and more sleep. I don’t know what to do! Please help!
Hi..I have been married almost 9 years and been with my husband 11 years..We were ok in the begining of our marriage but always felt some problem with it..We do not have sex with my husband like regular people. I always hear from my friends that they have sex almost 2-3 times a week but for us it is not possible..I have tried everthing but nothing works. I use to be very skinny and very attactive woman but last 2 years I have gained sooo much weight I think that is the problem. Only thing about that we had problems when I was skinny also, but I can’t stop thinking this is all my foult. Last year his father passed a way so I was giving him a time thinking that he might be depressed. But we have not had sex for 1 YEAR yes it is true 1 YEAR..I know this is not normal and it is killing me inside. Most of the problem for me is I don;t think he thinks this is problem..I love my husband and all I want to do is be happy in our marriage. I want to have baby so bad but I can’t have baby unless I have sex. Don’t know what to do .