Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!
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So often I hear about how much men need sex, but my husband has no interest in sex. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my husband want me?
Donalyn: Well first of all, there is nothing wrong with you! The first response of most women in your situation is to second-guess or blame themselves. While your husband’s lack of desire is certainly a problem, it is most likely not a problem with you. In fact, most sexual problems aren’t sexual at all.
Dave: That is right Donalyn. We sometimes have the idea that for men, the sexual experience is detached from what is going on inside. In reality, a man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desire. If he feels emotionally distant from his wife, and especially if he feels like a failure in any way, it can lead to a lack of confidence and therefore a lack of interest in sex. For a man, sexual performance is very much tied to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself it will definitely show up in his approach to sexual intimacy with his wife.
Donalyn: As women, we know that our sexual appetite is diminished when we do not feel connected to our husbands, or if there is unresolved anger between us. But we forget that our husband’s sex drive can also suffer for these same reasons. Likewise, if a man is overworked or under a lot of stress, whether inside or outside the home, sexual interest may start to take a back seat.
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Dave: Of course, there are all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here too. If your husband has had any struggles with erectile dysfunction, that is likely a huge contributing factor. If he is feeling any lack of confidence in his ability to perform, he will almost certainly shy away from physical intimacy. Libido is also significantly impacted by testosterone levels, so if your husband has low testosterone, that could be the cause. Drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, may hinder the sexual desire. The good news is that many of the physical factors are very treatable, so it may be time for your husband to have a doctor’s appointment to get some help with this.
Donalyn: Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which are not so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person’s involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities. That is becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the Internet.
Dave: It is true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it’s a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.
Donalyn: So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he is just getting those needs met elsewhere.
Dave: Exactly. And it is not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a variety of fantasy sources, combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping women out and fantasizing about them later. Others give into their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be “neuter” for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there does not seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.
Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.
Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.
Donalyn: I would ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest. Ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Maybe he knows exactly what the problem is, or perhaps you will have to work through it together to discover what lies at the root. The best thing you can do is approach it as a team. He cannot be made to feel like this is all his problem to solve on his own. He needs to know that you are on the same side. So share with him your needs and your desires – how you would like things to be. Then work together to get there.
Dave: That is right. Support him throughout the process as he works through his fears and insecurity. Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.
Donalyn: Right. But that is tough to do if you discover that pornography or other illegitimate behaviors are part of the picture.
Dave: Yes, that is very true. But if you do suspect that this is a factor, you are going to ask him the tough questions about where he is having his sexual needs met. And as hard as it will be, if your husband has the courage to open up with you and share his struggles in this area, he will need your support. These issues can be worked through and overcome, but not without a great deal of patience and understanding.
Donalyn: It is also important to find out if there is anything that you have been doing to contribute to the problem. Not that it ever excuses wrong behavior on his part, but you need to know if you have said or done anything to turn him away from you. It may be that you have a critical spirit, that you have been controlling him or cutting him down, or that you are making him feel less of a man. If so, these are behaviors that you can take responsibility for and begin to change, in order to improve the situation between you.
Dave: Absolutely. If a man is feeling constantly criticized or dominated, it creates big damage to his self-worth, and that filters down to his sexual interest. So find out what issues may be coming between you and take positive steps to resolve them. You might even read some marriage and sexuality resources to help you through this process. Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman and Staying Close, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey are good places to start.
Donalyn: Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.
Dave: Keep in mind 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”
While I would not necessarily recommend preaching at your husband, every couple needs to remember that depriving or denying each other increases the temptation to have sexual needs met elsewhere. Again, it never legitimizes it. But a wise person will work to keep their spouse satisfied within the marriage.
Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Does your sex life need help? Find out why men can have a low sex drive.
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I was going to post here about a week ago then decided not too. I wish I had. My husband came home from work and I was dressed very sexy. He complemented me and when I told him that he may like to see my undies he gave me a hug and said that he thinks he has low testosterone and isn’t sure why he just has no interest. That was pretty crushing considering he ogles young attractive women right in front of me. I then found pornography saved on his cell phone. I was very hurt – obviously he is just not interested in me. I am 40 years old and told that I am a very attractive lady. My face is, but my body has a tummy and some stretch marks. I do everything I can to make myself sexy for him. I work out like a maniac. Anyway, I didn’t post I just kept it to myself. Then I came home from a long day of shopping to find a bottle of lotion by the computer. He had deleted the history, but I pulled the files and he had been on Facebook looking at a lot of pictures of a girl we know in her bikini, little dresses, etc. She has a great figure. I think that you get the idea. Now, I am devastated. I feel like he is cheating on me. The hurt and betrayel is unbearable. He said that is what I get for “spying” on him and that he tried to set me up (then why delete the history?) because he knew I could see what he looked at. I had warning. The first time (6 months ago) he got out of bed to type “sexy women” in the search bar. I should have known better than to marry him then, but he promised and I believed him. He is a liar. Now trust is broken, my self-esteem is shot. I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want me. We have only been married 2 months. I don’t know what to do.
Big boy,
I don’t think the issue here is women rejecting me. It’s men rejecting women.
The bible tells husbands not to be bitter towards their wives, one big source of bitterness
for a man in marriage is sexual rejection especially is it is pro longed; ladies you need to be sensitive to your mans needs what you do when you continually reject him is take the gift of sexual desire he has for you for granted…and your suprised he’s lost sexual desire for you?? Be wise….having said that men on the other hand should not allow bitterness and resentment to come in coz when it does it comes to steal kill and destroy one of the victims of this carnage is your sexual desire
which God created to be beautifully expressed in marriage and so both of you suffer which is
what
Satan wants so he can set asunder what God has put together…men talk to your wives about the gravity
Of your need for sexual intimacy have a heart to heart about it and ladies listen and don’t get all
Defensive listen to the man you love and agree on a concrete plan on how to meet each others
needs, wives its okay to apologise to your husband where you have rejected his advances on
numerous occassions it will accelerate the emotional healing process and husbands forgive your
Wives and ask God to fill you afresh with love for her (if you are bitter towards her your certainly
Not loving her) and repent of bitterness and resentment….God can and will heal you and restore
To you the joy of sexual desire for your wife…
John10,
My husband tells me he loves me every single day and more than ones. He tells me he loves me deeply an that, that alone should be enough. Telling someone you love them, is not the same as showing them you love them. He tells me “as long as I don’t cheat on you and am nice to you and your family, that’s all that should matter”. I ask him well what about intimacy in our relationship, he says “what about it”, I say “well if I am not getting that part of the relationship from you, then whom do I get it from”. He says “I don’t know”. I hate to say this but his his lack of affection for me has really pushed me away. Not to mention the promises he made to me that he now intends not to keep, this coming from his own words. He brags about me to his friends and family constantly, and makes me feel like I am just a trophy to him. I understand that men are not emotional creatures, but I know in my heart that there are men who are very affectionate. I don’t know how to deal with the lack of affection from my husband. He has really pushed me away mentally. I don’t know how to be loving to him without having that physical contact with him. We might as well be friend/roommates, that’s what it feels like we are anyway. It is very hard being with someone you love and are very attractive to, but yet you have no control over being to touch them, hug them, kiss them, or even initiate sex with. The only way I know how to deal with this issue is to distant myself from him but yet this makes me a very quite person around my husband. I literally do not speak to him or get close to him, then as soon as he notices this, he gets upset. So what am I to do. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I think not.
Confused,
I understand what you feel when your husband does not hug, cuddle and kiss you. You feel lonely when you don’t get affection from your partner. But Surprisingly there are many women here in this forum whose husbands are very loving, affectionate and caring to them but their men are not interested in sex with them more often so these women are feeling rejected and lonely. I was talking about these women actually.
In your case, I feel happy to hear that you think sex is a minor part of a relationship. And being affectionate and intimate non-sexually is much more important than core sex in a relationship. I am sure your man has a sort of psychological problems. Whatever you mentioned about your husband, it suggests that he is empty and lonely from inside. You need to know what kind of mental issues he is going through. You should take him to a psychologist.
Let me tell you some facts about men.. Look, Men are not emotional creatures. Let me put it this way. There is one lane of emotions in man’s mind while a woman has 8-lane super highway of emotions. Men like to be rational. Behind every thing, they try to look for a reason. Women do many things just in emotions. When a man wants to have a life partner or sex-partner, he will do everything to achieve it like giving flowers to you, saying I love you everyday, calling you every day on telephone, paying for dates or dinners, making you special every day etc… He is doing all of it just for a reason that he wants to conquer a woman. Once he is sure that now he has impressed and conquered the woman, he will change his behaviour dramatically. He will not say I love you everyday, He will not call you every day from his work, He will not have sex with you every day, He will not pay for every date and dinner etc.. Women are surprised what happened to him after being together. They start feeling that before he was so sweet, affectionate, romantic and loving and not he is so rough, unromantic. This happens in almost all relationships. But it does not mean that men will leave you shortly after being together. Men try their best to fulfill their commitment but they will not be as affectionate,intimate,loving and sweet as they were at the time of knowing each other. As i said before, Men are not so emotional creature so they cannot be so affectionate and loving persistently. God made women and men in different ways.
Rachel,
There is no such thing like male menopause. Male menopuase has never been acknowledged in medical communities. People talk about it but there is no clear indications men have it as there is no time period for it. But it is true level of testesterone goes low gradually but this is very slow process as compared with women menopause. Even lots of Men at the age of 80 can have hard erections if they donot have any fatal illness. In women, menopuase is very clear and has specific peroid of time. But women menopause do not stop women from enjoying sex.
Please don’t be so harsh with your husband. Your husband has many illnesses. If you push him for different tough treatments just for your sake, he may die also. Why you want to kill your husband ?? When we get old, our hairs go grey, men’s hairs might fall, our skin starts showing wrinkles and sagging, we develop eye bags, our body vital organs start being weak, we might start developing constant pain in joints, there are lots of things which come with ageing. But why you women don’t understand sexual activity also drops espcially in men, sexual organs also get weak, sexual desire also drops. These are all normal things.
If you continue pushing your old and sick husband for different kind of treatments, i am sure, one day you will kill him as it is very serious thing. Our body in old age cannot tolerate these kind of harsh treatment. I don’t know why you are doing it with your husband?? Just for SEX ?????
As I progress from month to month in helping my husband to repair his health and sexuality, it is becoming more and more evident as I read the different accounts that male menopause(andropause)is responsible for this decline in many of our husband’s sexuality. I continue like a good little wife to inject my husband with bio-identical testosterone in the rear end twice a week. This has helped tremendously, but things are still not where they need to be or will be. I am watching my husband’s body change before my very eyes and he is actually becoming a man again while his body fat and breasts turn to muscle and he takes medication to get rid of too much estrogen. My testosterone was 50 times higher than his and his estrogen was 30 times as much as mine. As I mentioned, he is being balanced by a BodyLogic MD and so am I. He has initiated sexual encounters with me twice in the last 4 months. Before it was once in 10 months and even then only because I was crying and going crazy by then. I go with him to his doctor appointments who is also my doctor and he is present during my session with the doctor. So, I give him support and don’t tell him to go see a doctor or expect him to go off to take care of this by himself.
Aside from sexually, he was on the brink of developing some huge health problems, insulin resistance, metabolic syndrome, high triglycerides, low HDLs, high LDLs, low cortisol giving him no energy level at all. So since he had a heart attack at age 45 it has been a Blessing.
He still is not comfortable with me touching his private parts or touching them himself and is still dissatisfied with his own level of arousal, although I am not. It seems more like a painful reminder in his mind that he is not where he wants to be as a man yet. I asked how soon it will be until he feels comfortable with me touching him there and he says he feels it will be soon. Before he was feeling nothing down there and stated his libido was a 0 on a scale of 1 to 10. Now he feels like about a 5. It becomes evident to me that sometimes it is too much for a man who is not happy with his own performance to want to participate, so he slips into a world apart from his wife. If he doesn’t try to become intimate, he is not faced with having to feel like less of a man in his own estimation. As long as he doesn’t interact, he may feel he is a total man. All men know that men are known for their sexuality and does it not make sense that if he isn’t satisfied with his own libido or erection or orgasm that to avoid feeling sexual and being reminded of it is a solution for not wanting to be hit over the head with feeling a lack of manliness if he is having a problem? This is often why they don’t want to talk about it and avoid intimacy. They are not happy with themselves and do not feel the way they used to feel as men, but don’t know how to deal with it or talk about it, so avoid doing anything.
My husband appears to be getting better, certainly more healthy. He is extremely attractive, but biochemically he became a woman, partially from andropause and partially from obesity. So, he is on his way back to experiencing his manhood in this restoration process.
Male menopause is swept under the rug in our culture like it doesn’t exist…it really has nothing to do with us women at all. In my household I work 18 hours a day, 7 days a week running a diabetes rescue, a non-profit organization and a music business. Even after working all these hours I am still as sexual(HOT) as all get out at a 10 on a scale of 1-10 and I am 12 years older than my husband who goes to school 2 days a week and doesn’t work. This working too hard stuff to share an intimate relationship is pure hogwash. My husband makes 1/10th of my income and has no money to buy anything for me or for himself at any time at all. I pay for everything…all the bills, all the medical expenses, all the business expenses, and all the meals out…maybe someday he will want to step up to the plate, but until then, I am willing to do what I need to do.
Rachel
Doesn’t anyone who moderates recognize that Nick is Shiraz, whose posts were removed for bashing American women with the same sexist phrases ad infinitum. Surely, you can do a better job of blocking this guy after so long rather than allowing him to take shots at us every day in addition to the difficulties being experienced here. Find his IP address and block it. Get a script that requires us to login…anything but the daily assault.
Rachel
John10:
I think I speak for all women when I say this…… It is NOT just about the SEX. It is about being affectionate and physical outside of the bedroom. It is about holding your wife, kissing her every once in a while, snuggling or cuddling, holding hands, it does not have to lead to sex. Sex is only a small part of the whole puzzle. I can’t even touch my husband without feeling like I bother him and we have only been married 1 year. He doesn’t touch me at all. He only gives me “pecks” one a day and he “pats” my hand. Tell me John10, is that supposed to make me feel wanted or loved. No it is a very very lonely feeling. I rather be alone.
All ladies,
I have read your comments and they really let me down. I never thought that women are so over-sexed as compared with men. This is very interesting and surprising. For me it is a women sexual revolution. But Women don’t try to understand many things about men. It seems women are being selfish about men.
In lovemaking, It is MEN who have to perform. Everyone knows the core sexual activity between men and women depends over man’s erection and ejaculation time. Where is women’s role here?? There is nothing visible in women’s body which can measure the sexual performance in women. We never know where sex starts in women and where it ends.. No man can say anything about it for sure. That’s why women have no performance anxiety in lovemaking act. Women can fake orgasm and sexual excitement very easily but men cannot as men’s erection and ejaculation time tell the whole story to women. Therefore there is too much burden of performance over men during lovemaking.
Due to age factor, illnesses, work stress and other problems, men’s sexual performance and desire for sex significantly drop. Men’s sexual performance is greatly tied to their ego. Whatever the cause, Men don’t want to under perform in lovemaking as they don’t want to smash their egos.
Ladies, As long as your man is loyal, loving and caring to you, you should not leave your man just for the sake of sex. This is nothing but a stupidity. Most of the men have these issues due to same facts as stated above. If you quit your relationship just for the sake of lack of sex, you should know that your new man might have the same problems too.. Think 100 times before you quit your relationship.
Nicke:
I don’t know what world you live in, but I know A LOT of men who complain about the lack of sex from their wives. In fact, this is all I have ever heard, not to mention. I went through the same thing with my ex. He complained about the lack of sex and not because we weren’t having sex, we were, we were having it 3 times a week even after 18 years of being together, but he still complained. In fact his saying was “as long as you please me in sex” I will please you in everything else. Now Nicke you are going to tell me that men don’t make noise about the lack of sex. You are so wrong and living in a totally different world. I have read many of your comments on this forum and you seem to just HATE women. You say men usually initiate sex, well you are wrong there too. I initiate sex with my husband and he always turns me down. This is after only being married 1 year and 2 months, but yet he wants all of my attention and wants to spend his every free time with me. I don’t get it, he tells me he adores me and that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, but yet won’t even touch me or allow me to touch him. Again there are a lot of men that complain that there wives do not initiate sex. I lived that first hand and have many female friends that have also had their husbands complain. Nicke is it o.k. for a man to complain about the lack of sex from his wife, but not o.k. for the wife to complain? Nicke you have no idea what you are talking about. None. Oh and BTW, now a days women do not expect their husbands to do everything to make them happy in the relationship. Me and my husband even when we dated, we both took turns to pay for dates or for dinner, I myself have bought my husband more materialistic items than he has ever bought me, I thru him a huge BD party with over 100 of his friends and acquaintances, and what did he do for my BD he took me to a club to celebrate but that was only because he worked there that evening. We both tell each other we love each other, only now I don’t even want him to say I love you because to me “I LOVE YOU” means more than just words. I treated my husband like a king and did and gave him everything he wanted, I spend all my free time with him and even stopped doing the things that I liked to be with him and to do the things that were important to him, I did it all for him, but me expecting ANY physical contact, I mean even just holding or hugging, or kissing, well, I can’t expect it and don’t expect it anymore because I know I won’t get it. It is too painful to hope that he will show me ANY type of physical attention. Too painful. Nicke I make more money than my husband, I lived in a beautiful home in a well to do neighborhood, but I gave it all up to be with a less than middle class man because at the time he SHOWED me that he loved me, he gave me attention and made me feel like I was most important in his life. Well I gave it all up for nothing. I am miserable.
Nicke you must really hate women to write everything you write about us.
I feel the same as most of these women. I am 28 and my husband is almost 33 and we have been married for 7 years. I remember bringing it up the fact that we weren’t being as intimate as I thought a married couple would be in our first year of marriage. I was embarrased to even bring it up. Now, I am well past being embarrased or sad about it but even “real talk” between us has not helped any. I can’t even remember the last time we were intimate. At first, I didn’t notice that I would always be the one to initiate it because I enjoyed it very much and enjoyed pleasing him. Then, I felt the need to be wanted and waited for him to initiate it. I just kept waiting for him until I finally gave in. Then, I ended up being resentful of the fact that he didn’t “want” me. Now, when too much time has passed, I don’t talk until he finally asks me “What’s wrong?”. I just answer with a sigh and by saying “Same old problem”. (Like I said, I am past being embarrased/shy/sad.) I have dreams about being intimate with other people…some I know, some my unconscienceness makes up. I’m really trying to hold on to my marriage but I am starting to feel like I am not strong enough. He loves me and I don’t think she is cheating on me. He says that he doesn’t know what is wrong with him and he cries at times for letting me down. I am at my sexual prime, I am not happy and neither is he. We have plans to move next summer and I am considering suggesting we go out seperate ways instead. I love my husband and I have been honest with what I need but for some reason, it’s not happening.
This is all so frustrating those individuals who are posting on this forum that have not gone through the experience of what I myself and others are going through.
I am 45 my husband is 51. We have only been married for a little over a year. He works and I work. He runs a small golf course and I am an office manager. We have no kids at home. We like a lot of the same things. However, our problem is with our sex lives. I think that only after 1 year, it is too early in our marriage to start having a problem with this. In fact, this problem didn’t just start. It has been going on for months now. I have brought it up to my husband but all we do is argue about it. Our sex life has become a once a week deal, sometimes it goes a little longer than that. He only French kisses me about twice a month. Touching, well touching too is not happening. I love my husband, I am so attracted to him. I want to touch him all the time. What I mean by that is that I want to hug, cuddle, hold hands, etc. He on the other hand doesn’t. I can tell that when I attempt to touch him, even if its just laying next to him, he finds an excuse to get out of bed so that I will stop touching him. This is always. Even if I just try to hold hands. I can never initiate sex because he will find an excuse to turn me down. We get in bed and watch t.v. for a little bit then he turns off the t.v. and turns around and hugs his pillow. He holds his pillow more than he holds me. For me it’s not all about sex. I want to be held during the day. I want ANY kind of physical contact with my husband. It just seems like the more I have brought it up the more we are farther apart, but what am I to do? Not bring it up! He has even gone as far as to call me a nympho. He thinks that my complaints are all just about sex. There is no intimacy or romance in our relationship. There used to be but not anymore. I have always given in to him with whatever he needed or wanted, meaning I wrapped my life around his, because that’s what he wanted. I am 5’4” – size 6/8 – long dark hair, big brown eyes w/long lashes, I exercise, 36DD and from what I have been told very attractive and very sensual. In fact all of my husbands friends wonder why I am even with him. My friends wonder the same. I fell in love with him. He seemed to do and say all the right things when we met and dated, but now that we have a life together, I feel like I am only his trophy. He loves to brag about me (even in front of me) to his friends. He has even gone as far as announcing to his friends “thank God for Viagara”. As to make it seem like we are having lots of sex, but yet at home nothing is happening. I used to feel the love when we had sex before, but he has seemed to push me away so far now, that now I feel like it is just a chore for him and just a whatever to me. I know I am attractive. Other men have told me so and even women; however, it seems like my mind is playing tricks on me because I feel so fat and ugly and feel like I don’t belong at all. I don’t know what else to do. I think about leaving every single day. When I met my husband I lived in a really nice established neighborhood. My husband lives in a not so good part of town in a house that is about 1000 sq ft. I gave up my place to go live with him because that’s what he wanted. I placed all my belongings in 3 big storages because he promised me that he would sell his home and we would be buying a house together; however, he just mentioned to me a week ago that his house is his safety net and he didn’t see himself selling it. Again, he told me things I wanted to hear. I believed in him and trusted him. I have given up so much of my life. Now I trust him no more. He told me things would get better but they have only gotten worse. I wonder why he is with me. I am so tired of feeling confused, hurt, rejection, and loneliness. It is such a horrible feeling to lie down next to the person you love but yet that person won’t even touch you. He shows no desire toward me. None. He says he is always tired, but yet when it comes to waking up in the morning he is full of energy to start the day. Even on weekends we are out of bed by 7 the latest 8 because he wants to go out and enjoy the day. He never wants to just lie with me and enjoy each other. He says he is always tired but yet he finds energy for his golf which is a very exhausting game. The only physical attention I get on a daily basis is a peck on the lips. That is it. Sometimes he “pats” my hand instead of just holding it. I tell him to exercise and to stop eating the way he does because he is always complaining about diabetes, however, he’s never even gone to the doctor to have that checked out. He comes out with nothing but excuses. Excuse after excuse. I am sick of it. He paints this picture of us in front of his friends and behind closed doors he is something else.
Nick you are so wrong in the things that you write. Not all women are attention-seeking and gold-digging. Yes we want physical attention but that’s because we are human. It is just like a baby needing attention from their mother. It shows them love. So think before you write Nick.
I don’t expect him to satisfy all of my emotional and physical needs all the time, but he could at least make an attempt to try. He has seen me cry many of times after having our discussion about this issue, but instead of him saying something like I’m sorry, or please don’t cry it will be o.k., he says dam you have turned into a bitch, or if you’re not happy leave.
I have stopped talking to my husband about this issue, I tried to have an open communication about this matter with him, but all he did was deny that he was like this, called me a nympho, and/or makes excuses, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not bothering me anymore. It bothers me every single time I am next to him that now I have resentment toward him. I hate to say this but now all I think about is WHEN am I leaving him. I have never been made to feel this lonely. I can’t even cry anymore.
my husband and i have been married a yea dec 28,we have not had sex much,but did have it enough to get pregnant,unintintionally. we have twins ,a boy and a gil,almost 8 months old. he has never had a healthy sexual appetite with me since the begining,but i figured that would change in time,he said he was gun shy,and that with his pevious two marraiges he wanted it all the time,and with me he felt comfortable,like he didnt need to impess me,not sure if thats good or bad,im in my prime,i want sex all the time,just laying next to him im in agony because i want him. during my pegnancy we had sex twice,that was it,he says cuz he was scared we mite lose the babies,afte they wee born,back to bieng gun shy,and really not much time to spend togethe with twin babies,but he sure finds the time to sit and play his games on his computer about 6 hous out of the day,by the time he comes to bed hes snoring within minutes,if i want anything i have to initiate it,everytime.he says its not me,im beautiful,he loves me,and i do not doubt that,hes tied,overworked,stressed,i understand,he doesnt want me to work,he likes me staying home with the kidds,and i think because he likes me readily available to take care of his needs. when we do make love its amazing,but its never enough,i feel lonely,like he doesnt want me,but he says thats not the case. im constantly building him up,but he doesnt really retun the favor. i love him so much,and i know he loves me by othe actions he shows me,but how can i get him to initiate,or want me more? i need more. he does work 7 days a week,but gets home early like 11am or noon,sometimes he will lay and cuddle with me,we watch movies together,he says he loves that i initiate sex,because he has neve had that before,it makes him feel wanted,and to just wake him up if i want it,but i want him to wake me up per say once in awhile,i wanna be the irisitable one for once,im so frustrated. we have talked about it several times,but seems to just aggravate him because he feels im doubting his love,and he gives me same excuses,and he says its not me,i turn him on,he loves me more then hes loved anyone,he feels connected to me,comfortable,want to grow old with me,ae these good things? comfortability? ive never had this type of relationship where the man didnt want me alllll the time,so maybe its me,i dont know. this is my second marraige,and his 3rd, im 34 hes 43,we both were married 14 years the first time,his second marraige was 2 years,both of them cheated on him,so maybe an insecurity? why must i pay for their mistakes?makes no sense to me,
Nick, I agree that I, as a woman, could be more empathetic to my husband’s aging libido, but most of what you’ve posted here is judgmental and insulting.
Your theory is that when I want sex, it’s not that I’m turned on, not that my husband excites me, and not that I relish sharing such intense intimacy with my partner.
Your theory is that when I, as a woman, want sex, it is because I want to make sure he still thinks I’m attractive, and I want to make sure he still loves me.
Sex definitely does not “equate love.” But it is an integral part of a marriage. I didn’t make it that way. God did.
In my mind sex and love and approval are all related, but are certainly not all the same thing. Yes, when we have sex, I do feel loved, and I do feel good that he is attracted to me. If I didn’t feel those things during sex, it might signal other problems. But that’s only one of the many benefits of sex with my husband.
Intercourse is scientifically proven to bond people together (according to a related article on this very website, actually), so regular sex strengthens our bond as lifelong companions. It feels good. It burns calories. It creates babies! It releases tension and helps us relax. It is just one of the many ways I can remind HIM that HE is still loved and still attractive. It is a reciprocal thing, not just one-sided. I don’t expect things from him that I’m not willing to give to him.
And not all women require expensive gifts to feel good about themselves. You seem a little jaded on that topic. Perhaps you’ve had some negative experiences with women who did require monetary evidence of your affection?
That certainly is not a dynamic in my marriage. I have a plain gold band for a wedding ring, paid for by ME! There is not one single diamond anywhere in my jewelry box. He has not bought me a house. We are working together to save up a down payment so that we can buy a house TOGETHER.
I bought and paid for my own car without his name on the loan, in fact he actually needed my name and my credit to get the loan on his car. When it comes to gifts, I spend more money and put more thought, time and energy into it than he does. But that doesn’t make me feel less loved or like I don’t have his approval. It just means that other things are more important, and there are other ways that he demonstrates his affection.
He does not provide for the family while I take bubble baths. We both work full time jobs. I have more education, but he makes more money because he is older and has more experience in his field.
Our marriage is a partnership (on most days), not one person constantly seeking the other’s approval. And as my husband’s partner in the bedroom, I feel l like it has become a little one-sided in that area of our life. I simply want him to have more interest in having sex with me more often. And I’d like for him to initiate it more often. I want for us both to satisfied.
When we talk about it, he says it’s because he works more hours than he used to work. And when he gets home, he wants to have a beer because it relaxes him. My thoughts are that he could take better care of his health to have more energy, and that I have some excellent ways of helping him relax, if he’d let me get him undressed! I’m not always looking for him to perform. Often I just want him to lay back and enjoy.
The feelings of confusion, rejection, hurt, and loneliness come when I consistently show an interest and a desire for him, while he consistently shows an interest and desire for beer, TV, then sleep. Especially after a date or when sex is something we’ve talked about all day, when I’m looking forward to it.
I do NOT need his attention EVERY moment, but an hour once every two or three days would be absolutely wonderful.
I do fully expect things to change as we get older. I guess maybe this is where my expectations differ from reality, though, because I expected us to be pretty active sexually at least into our 40′s. 27 and 38 seems a little young to be slowing down so much. But again, my expectations may have been unrealistic.
I think he could probably take better care of himself, and that would give him more energy. He has even agreed with me on that point, but I guess making healthier choices is easier said than done for many of us.
Nick, my guess is that the women posting their very personal experiences here are looking for empathy, encouragement, and new ideas for improving the situation. I don’t think very many women are helped by you calling women in general essentially nothing more than attention-seeking and gold-digging. You might edit your opinions accordingly before you post anything more. Otherwise, what is your goal in hanging around this forum?
Claire and Tosha, thank you for your advice and encouragement. I certainly will not hound my husband about it, but I will continue trying to have open communication with my him about our sex life when the issue arises.
My hope is that we will be able to work together to solve this problem. Our relationship has overcome issues tougher than this, so I am looking for a positive outcome.
You’ve both given me some good reminders. I know that a woman who is self-confident and passionate about her own interests will probably be more attractive to her husband, and more happy with herself.
I know that my husband is only human, and it would put undue pressure on him for me to expect him to satisfy all of my emotional and physical needs all the time.
We do have very busy schedules. His job is often much more than full time, mine is full time. We have a toddler and a preschooler together, plus two teenagers from his first marriage. It’s sometimes hard to find time for an uninterrupted conversation, let alone date night.
So it is understandable that our sex life sometimes suffers… But it just makes me want him that much more when we’ve barely seen each other for several days! And his timing on turning me down could be better…like while I’m still dressed would make it less humiliating for me!
It is good to remember that there are some emotional and spiritual needs that only God can satisfy. And when I delight myself in the Lord, he will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). When I seek God and his righteousness, everything else will be added (Matthew 6:33).
Thanks!
Somebody,
I can hear the frustration in your comment and it is completely understandable. Your expectations are valid, your requests are not unreasonable. It’s horrible to feel like you and your spouse are working against each other rather than working toward a common goal. It sounds like you’ve covered all the things I would usually suggest so it’s time to break the less usual list.
You said that your husband used to want sex frequently and now he doesn’t. So my first question is: what happened? Can you pin point when he stopped pursuing you sexually or when his interest waned? Once you’ve got that date or an approximation, see if you can find anything that might be a trigger. Was there a change at work? A family issue? A financial issue? Did you guys have a fight? Was there a health issue? If you can’t think of anything then I suggest asking him straight out, but in as non-combative a way as possible. You could say something like, “I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to be interested in sex and haven’t really been since ________. I can’t think of anything that happened then, so I’m asking you. Did something happen? THink about it and we can talk about it ___________ (set a specific time in the future).” This doesn’t put him on the spot but it lets him know that a) you noticed b) if he thinks he’s getting away with it, he’s not and c) that he really does need to think about this because you are going to ask him again.
It could be any number of things – someone might have made a stupid comment to him, he could be feeling pressure from something else, he may have lost confidence. What ever it is could be a really valid reason HOWEVER he needs to talk to you about things like that so you can resolve them together. A big part of marriage is agreeing to do life together. You can’t just go off into a corner to lick your wounds, that ends up hurting the other person – as you yourself have experienced. People don’t stop having sex for no reason. Something happened. If you can find out what then it gives you a starting place to try and begin to fix it. He does need to make the effort, but depending on what has happened he might feel completely overwhelmed by something else which makes making the effort extremely difficult. Does he still need to make that effort? Yes. But he also needs to let you in to whatever he is dealing with so you can make the effort there too. You have been working really hard and it has not had the results you hoped for. If you can get on the same page you can start to combine your efforts, and both of you will reap the benefits.
Tosha,
I agree with you.. This is what i have been saying here for a long time. It is my observation, it is mostly women who remain worried about lack of sex with their men But Men remain satisfied in relationships as long as their women are loyal to them. In fact, women equate sex with love.. Women are naturally attention-seeker and they need approval from people especially from their men. Money, Gifts, Life Luxuries, Love & Sex make a woman strongly feel that her man really loves her. That explains why men give so much expensive gifts, houses, diamonds rings etc to their women.. because it makes a woman feel special, loved and wanted. Even women donot return thier expensive rings, gifts to their men after divorce.. lol.. Have you ever seen a woman giving her man very very expensive rings, gifts,houses etc to make him special ??? Never. Right…. because women know every well their generous smiles are enough to make a man feel special.
In a new relationship, sex is very aggressive but when the life settles, every thing goes normal including sex. Reduction in intimacy & Love & Sex in relationship is normal thing for men, but not for women.. Even after 15 years of relationship, Women still need attention of her man every moment to make her feel special and sex is the most direct way to show it. but men don’t think like that. For men Love & Sex are two different things and Sex is just a mechanical thing to release thier sexual tension. For men, Love is a name of care for his woman, bulding house for his woman, making money for his woman, giving gifts to his woman. Men want to have sex when they have an urge to. As relationship goes old and men age, sexual urge in men significatly drops which women don’t try to understand. I don’t say that Women have much more sexual urge than men. This is baseless at all. If it was true, there would have been tens of millions of male prostitutes to satisfy women sexually around the world. Actually Woman thinks if a man is not having sex with her more often, he does not love her, he may be into another woman and she starts feeling frustrated, empty, rejected and lonely. but for men this is a normal thing. If a woman says.. she wants lots of sex from her man, it does not mean she has too much sexual urge but it means that she wants an approval from her man that he really loves her and her body.
I feel like I am about ready to move on. For the 6 years we’ve been together (5 of them married), I have given everything to my husband: my heart, my energy, my body, my children, my youth. All that I am has been poured into this relationship, this life that we’ve made together. He is my one and only. And he takes me for granted, and makes little effort with me.
I don’t ever say no to anything he wants to try. I’ll have sex anywhere he wants, any way he wants.
I’m tall, thin, and, let’s be honest, sexy. Everyone always tells him how lucky he is to have me. People wonder why I would be with someone 11 years older than me, who has acne scars and a bald spot. I’ve always told them I think he looks great. I tell them that we just love each other, and we just fit. And I used to be able to say, “and the sex is GREAT!” Not anymore!
We both work full time. I take care of the kids and the house, I buy the groceries and pay the bills. I do more than my share of the work in our marriage. Is it too much to ask for my husband to show interest in me more than once or twice a month?
What makes me really angry is that we’ll talk about making time for it. We’ll flirt over the phone or through texts during the work day. He’ll seem into it. The tension builds. Then when it’s time to do it, he out of the blue says he’s too tired. He was fine LITERALLY five minutes ago, telling me he couldn’t wait to get me alone. And suddenly he’s too tired??? Why lead me on???
Sometimes we get home from a nice date, and he’d rather have a beer and watch TV until he falls asleep than have sex with me. ME! In sexy lingerie, touching him, nibbling his ear, and offering to lick his…you know. And he’d rather watch reruns and drink beer!
When we have sex, it’s great. He’s very good. I’m very good. We communicate well. I do everything possible to make sure he’s satisfied. He makes sure I’m satisfied.
So why can’t it happen more often? Why can’t he follow through with all the flirtations? Why does he let me carry on with the flirtations and allow me to make a fool out of myself if it’s not going anywhere?
I’ll test the waters with a little “Hey I’m not wearing any panties, can’t wait to see you.” THAT would be the time to say, “Aw, honey, that sounds amazing but I’m beat.” The time to say “not tonight” is NOT after telling me that “it’s on” all day long and letting me throw myself at him, like an idiot!
I’m sick of feeling confused and rejected. I am ready to be in a relationship with somebody who is as excited about me as I am him (the way it used to be).
Don’t say it’s because I’m not letting him pursue me. Why do you think I make such an effort to pursue him? It’s because he DOES NOT pursue me anymore! If I always waited for him to initiate it, we might not have sex for months! He used to want me multiple times a day, and I LOVED it!
I have tried giving him space and getting involved in my own activities. I have tried being coy. I have tried playing hard to get. I’ve tried to allow for a little mystery. That got NO results. It’s like he’s totally clueless! He either gets the wrong idea and thinks that I actually don’t want to, or he gets offended that he’s having to try so hard, or he just doesn’t notice at all!
I need him to MAN UP! If there’s a physical issue, see a doctor. If there’s an emotional issue, talk to me about it. Isn’t this important enough?
What man just doesn’t care about sex anymore? What man wouldn’t want a beautiful young horny wife to come home to?
What is his problem?! I need to feel like a desirable woman. I’m only 27. Is it really all downhill from here?!
Can someone please tell my husband to get his act together? I would never leave him or cheat on him, but it is nice to imagine a man wanting me the way my husband used to.
Don’t tell me about read The 5 Love Languages, I already did 3 years ago. We took the quizzes, and guess what his primary love language is, supposedly. Physical touch! I’ve read books and books and books about marriage.
At this point, I’m not the one that needs to work on it. I’ve done EVERYTHING I can. If I’m worth it to him, HE can make a little effort!!!
I’m tempted to just go on a sex strike until he gets the idea…but then I’ll still be the one who’s horny, lonely, and miserable! He might not notice!
Any other ideas? I’m starting to really resent him, and that’s not how I want to feel towards him.
Nick is right. A lot of women think that men are the ones that always want sex, but as my husband led me to realize..WOMEN are the ones who want it all the time!! But the thing is that WE (as women) think that is what a man wants. A woman that wants to give it up all the time and be crazy in the sack. When in fact, if the man is actually devoted to his woman and not a whore, then he enjoys just being with his lady. Cuddling, kissing, playing around. Sometimes that’s better than having sex.
When you’re first starting out in a relationship, of course the sex is going to be crazy. You’re going to be like rabbits. But as life goes on, reality sets in and a man wants to worry more about making your lives as a couple better by working and just taking care of his lady in general. If your man is not cheating on you, and seems to be still interested in you, even just emotionally, then I would say that he’s just sincerely happy just being with you. I do realize that intimacy is definitely an important part of the relationship, but I promise you that the more upset you get over it, the more it will push him away.
FOR ALL OF YOU FEELING LOST AND LONELY:
Try giving him a break and leaving that subject alone for awhile. Bring back the romance and excitement. Plan for one night a week where you go on a date..it doesn’t even have to be anything crazy. Go for a drive, listen to music, go to the park, just do something random and enjoy each others company. And then like twice a week, put aside a couple hours a night and just talk about stuff. Don’t bring up sex…just talk. Talk about your day. Talk about fun stuff you remember from when you first got together. Talk about how “in love” you still are with one another. I promise you, the more emotional bonding you do, your partner will probably realize how it felt when you first got together..and that will strike something.
It’s been awhile since I’ve been on here. This is what has taken place in the short version: I divorced my husband after 3 1/2 years of marriage. With 3 of those sexless! Well for me anyway. My husband was cheating the whole time! While we went to the alter to pray for our marriage, he was cheating on the internt and only he and God and them know…. While we sat in the marriage counselor’s office and discussed why he couldn’t perform sexually, he knew it was because he could just not with me! While he sat and played hymns in Sunday services (and still does) he was chomping at the bit to get out of there for a secret text, phonecall, or escape by taking extra doses of his Xanax. The point is, I told you I moved into a different bedroom for 7 months before I left for good. Only twice did he invite me back to his bed but it was because I had sugery both times and he said he could watch over me better. I refused! He never tried to get me back as his wife. I was the one who would have been all he ever could ask for in a wife, but he was too into hisself to get it. God has ordained my decision in leaving and divorcing! After years of this and prayers I now have my own home, a great new job, a church family that truly worships God! And peace of mind that didn’t come until I followed my heart knowing unequally yoked marriages will not work! I pray for all of you still and maybe your situations are different and maybe you’ll mend, but just maybe you’re wasting yourselves for someone who will not be a blessing for you ever! Follow your gut and follow what God I’d telling you, not what you want god to tell you…. That is all
Ladies, I think that if you read through the comments on this article you will see that most often it has nothing to do with you, but more to do with your husbands and what is or isn’t happening in his life. The most difficult thing is trying to get him to talk about it and actually want to change. But that’s where it has to start.
Be real about the impact that this has on you, your self esteem and what your needs are. LeeAnn, in your case it sounds like you have talked about it and he just isn’t that interested in trying to figure out what it is that you need. That obviously calls for more serious intervention, perhaps with a counselor who will get to the deeper issues.
I really have to agree with what Jamie shared in his last comment above: However I know that God is able to rekindle the passion in you and help you to work out this issue with your wife. It is God’s plan for the two of you to share in the intimacy of sexual union. If that is broken in your relationship God is able to heal and restore that just as He is able to heal and restore all broken aspects of our relationships. I am sure part of you hates to even consider the risking hope because you have been let down so often. But I know there is another part of you that begins to come to life when you think that things can be better. Don’t let that flame of hope get extinguished. Jesus said, “My purpose is to give life in all its fullness.” (John 10:10) and part of the fullness of life is intimacy between husband and wife.
Keep talking and don’t give up. There is always hope.
All i want is least once a week. and we can not even come to terms about that,usually all he wants is for me to play with him or suck him.and to hell with what i want or NEED. I have tried talking, he just wont get past watever it is and have sex with me 99 % the time..i do anything and everything any way he wants..and go weeks without sex,i wait for him,im very very frustrated…whats wrong with him?????what am i doing so wrong i have 3 jobs, i dont go out i dont see other men i dont cheat…ughh
my husband do not have sex with me what do i do please help
My life is the same as Janie’s. I considered Craig’s List but don’t want to end up a Lifetime movie sequel. I don’t want to end up where Anna is.
Sean, while I respect your resolve to remain faithful to your wife no matter what I still see you surrendering your attraction to your wife as a loss in your relationship. I am not blaming you for the way that your wife has rejected intimacy with you, but to give up hope that it can ever be better is a step down a path that will undermine your love for each other, especially when you harbour resentment against her for this.
I agree that trying to play mind games with yourself and saying “I will be attracted to my wife” is not going to be the solution. However I know that God is able to rekindle the passion in you and help you to work out this issue with your wife. It is God’s plan for the two of you to share in the intimacy of sexual union. If that is broken in your relationship God is able to heal and restore that just as He is able to heal and restore all broken aspects of our relationships. I am sure part of you hates to even consider the risking hope because you have been let down so often. But I know there is another part of you that begins to come to life when you think that things can be better. Don’t let that flame of hope get extinguished. Jesus said, “My purpose is to give life in all its fullness.” (John 10:10) and part of the fullness of life is intimacy between husband and wife.
I understand that you aren’t comfortable sharing a whole bunch on this public forum. Can I invite you to talk with one of our online mentors? Your conversation there will be private and confidential. If you go to http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor you will find a Mentor Request Form to fill out.
My husband and I used to have a great sex life (12+ a week), but for the last two years we have barely been intimate. There are no health, age, or relationship issues that would prevent this, either. We’ve talked about it, and he doesn’t want to have sex because he fears that I’ll get pregnant (even though we use protection). Neither of us wants children, which is why he has withdrawn so much. I also suspect that part of it has to do with our weight gain since high school, but within the last 2 years he’s lost 35 pounds and I’ve lost 40. I’m at a healthy weight now, but he is still quite a bit overweight. We both find each other very attractive, but he is not happy with his body. If I didn’t know better, I would think it was because of the stress of us both going back to school, but this started much before.
I guess the biggest problem is that he has also pulled back from most physical contact as well (so that I won’t think it’s leading somewhere that he doesn’t want to go?). We hug, kiss, and hold hands, but it is mostly chaste. We have so much fun together, we still love each other like when we were teenagers, and he’s just an amazing man, but I don’t know what to do when it comes to intimacy… I miss “making out” with him, among other things, but talking about it and trying to initiate it is really taking a toll on me.
My husband and I hadn’t had sex in 30 years. No intimacy or loving at all. The last time there was any communication about sex was 30 years ago. He said sex was over ( it wasn’t that exciting any way). Since then nothing has been said. I was a virgin before we got married and maybe we had sex I’d say 2 dozen times. So I still feel like a virgin. We pretty much live like apartment dwellers, he in the guest bedroom and myself in the master. We only talk when some thing is needed to be fixed. H e is a very lonely person, no friends goes no where has no use of a computer or phone.
Hi everyone…
I am so glad I found this board. My husband of three years (we have been together for four) hasn’t made actual love to me in over a year. It’s tearing me apart inside. We have had numerous conversations on the topic. No matter what he says I can’t help feeling that the problem is with me. It’s just so hard to understand.
We have 2 young children together and besides not making love our relationship is pretty close to perfect. I love him with all of my heart and I know he loves me as well. He has no problem hugging me, kissing me, and telling me he loves me every day. Our mental connection is completely there, but the physical part is gone.
I’m 25, very attractive still (even after having 2 children), I work out, eat healthy, work full-time and so does he. Our life is wonderful, but not making love is tearing me apart.
He has some anxiety and panic issues and he is on medication for them and sees a therapist every 2 weeks. When we talk about this problem he says that his pills make him unable to make love and he has no desire for it. It’s very upsetting to me. Although we have tried numerous times over the past year it always ends up in a failure. He has problems getting an erection, and if he does it only lasts a few minutes… Even though he says it isn’t me I can’t help feeling like it is.
We had a sitter for the kids last night, (It was our anniversary) and although we tried to make love it just didn’t work out the way I’d hoped. I’ve tried everything… I don’t want to give up my husband, but sex is an important part of a relationship and I’m feeling like I don’t know what to do anymore.
He says he has talked to his therapist about it and his psychiatrist, and they have tried him on different anti-anxiety medication, but he says most (or all the ones he’s tried so far) have made him unable to make love.
This doesn’t seem to be an issue to him at all. He says how our relationship is so wonderful and that sex isn’t the most important thing and that we are luckier than a lot of people. I know he is right but it still hurts.
I don’t mean to ramble on…sometimes it’s good to put your feelings out there and write them out. It’s nice knowing someone out there may understand and may be going through the same thing.
My husband is a Christian as well am I. He doesn’t watch pornography and is not having an affair or anything like that. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Any words of advice or encouragement? I could really use it. Thanks for listening, everyone.
Jamie:
I appreciate the response and the encouragement. Certainly nothing is beyond His reach, and I will wait patiently for His transformation in both her and I. But to be clear, I am not “at a point of surrendering this ground to the enemy”. The temptation of infidelity will always be there regardless of the status of our relationship, but I’m not at all thinking of straying or turning to porn. I wish I could just say, “I will be physically attracted to my wife” and it would be so, but it just doesn’t work that way. I can (and will) choose to love her and honor her, and do everything in my power to please her, but I can’t just vow to “crave” her.
I have never denied her anything she requested, nor will I, but as my desire for her dwindles, it no longer becomes a matter of “if” I will do it, but “can” I do it. I’m just not physically attracted to her anymore. I can’t say too much about that on this forum, but she makes ZERO effort to make that happen. I completely submit to her, and I do everything you can possibly think of to please her for as long as it takes and in the manner of her choosing, yet she does nothing at all to reciprocate. I have been married almost nine years and have NEVER gotten a BJ (sorry). Not once!! I’ve never met anyone on planet Earth who can say that. Believe me, I have expressed my concerns to her many many times, and she remains firm that she won’t do most things. I haven’t let myself go or gained weight over time. If anything, I’m in better shape, as I’m in the Army and even if I wanted to get fat and out of shape I couldn’t.
If God is punishing me I definitely deserve it and more. If I am Job of sorts, I will NOT curse God and die (Job 2:9). I just pray that He eventually restores us (Job 42:10).
Sad & Lonely, that is such a difficult way to live. We were made to love and be loved but so often the relationships that we get into become “life drainers” instead of “life givers”. It sounds like the relationship you have with your boyfriend right now is a “life drainer”. I really don’t want this come across as arrogant and self-righteous but I don’t want to hide the truth from you either. Part of the reason that this relationship has become a ‘life drainer’ is because of the choices that you guys have made about sexual intimacy. God did not make you with the emotional capacity to be involved sexually with a man without having made a total commitment to each other. Sex can be a very pleasurable experience but it is so much more than the physical pleasure of orgasm. There is an emotional connection that takes place when a man and a woman come together. We share an extreme vulnerability with each other when our bodies come together. If that is not done within the context of a life-long committed relationship there cannot be a complete giving of ourselves to each other. For you and your boyfriend to have put on the trappings of marriage (i.e. sex, living together) without the commitment of loving each other for life it creates a dysfunction within each of you that begins to break down the relationship. The distance between you and your boyfriend is just one evidence of that.
Now that is not to say that married couples don’t also experience some of the hurts that you are describing. There are other patterns in our lives that can cause some of the same walls and barriers between us. That’s why rushing into marriage is such a dangerous thing: we don’t have time to see each other’s character in different life situations to determine if this person is the right one.
Sad & Lonely, I want you to know that there is hope for you though. You do not have to be trapped in a life where you must continue to be known as Sad & Lonely. It can even happen with your boyfriend. The Bible says that, “What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun!” (2Corinthians 5:17) Jesus can make you and your boyfriend into new people without the weight and the baggage of your past mistakes. He can help both of you to become “life givers” so that in your relationship you both are served by your lover. He can help you to be able to make the commitment to each other that is for life and help carry you through the difficult days. I don’t know what kind of interaction you have had with Jesus in the past but no matter what it has been He wants to make things right for you. God has promised, “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) If you want to find out more about those plans have a look at this website where you will see how you can know God personally http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose You may also want to talk with one of our online mentors who can answer questions you may have about all this. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor Let me also recommend reading an article that talks about some of the physiological realities of sexual intimacy and how it can impact emotional intimacy in a relationship http://powertochange.com/familylife/articles/the-five-levels-of-intimacy .
Lord God, I pray for Sad & Lonely. She needs to discover who You have called her to be. She has been torn down for so long and it seems so pointless to try and get up again. I pray Lord that You would help her to see that purpose that You have for her and how much You love her. As she reads and thinks about what it means to have a relationship with You I pray that You would help her to understand the hope and life that comes from You alone. Bring people into her life who can help her to discover this for herself. Transform her into Joyful & Loved as she experiences Your love in her life. I pray for her boyfriend as well that he too would discover life in You and together they would grow to become true lovers and servants of each other. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Sean, it sounds like you have given up!? You can’t let Satan have this victory in your marriage. Remember, “For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12) Your battle is not so much with your wife but against the spiritual forces that are trying to tear you apart. If you let this battle go you will be losing significant ground in the battle for your marriage.
You of all people should know what happens when you let a negative pattern develop in your marriage: it becomes a slide further and further away from each other. You have identified your loss of attraction for your wife as a result of a negative pattern in the way you guys have related to each other. If you let yourself slip into this negative pattern of thought it will not be long before you do succumb to the temptation of sexual sin. You will be justifying it because your wife said “No!” to you too many times. You must not allow yourself to be conned by Satan into thinking that you are not attracted to your wife.
“I am the LORD, the God of all the peoples of the world. Is anything too hard for me?” (Jeremiah 32:27) Are you saying that your relationship with your wife is too hard for God to restore? No it is not! Not only that but you are able to figure this aspect of your marriage out with your wife because, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13) He will be the one who will empower you to work through this difficult issue with your wife. He will help transform your mind and your wife’s mind so that they conform to the plans and purposes that He has for you. It will be the Holy Spirit working in you who will make you into the spiritual leader in your home and protect your wife from the destructive attacks from Satan. You must never give up! You must never stop fixing your eyes on Jesus “the author and perfecter of our faith” looking for His direction on how to make your marriage reflect God’s ideal for a husband and wife.
Lord God I stand in the gap for my brother Sean. Lord he has been beat down by this issue in his marriage for so long. He has spent so many years feeling the pains of rejection and manipulation from his wife. All of that has taken its toll and he is at a point of surrendering this ground to the enemy. Father he needs a fresh filling of Your Spirit in his life. He needs to be given a picture of how You can make his marriage shine. He needs to know that You are with him in this battle and that You will win the day! Encourage him Lord. Bring other brothers around him who will inspire him and encourage him and give godly counsel to him. Embolden him to talk this through with the woman that you have chosen for him from before the foundations of the Earth. Give wisdom to his words and clarity in his speech so that she will understand the hurt he has felt for so long. Break open the lines of communication in this marriage in a way that will unite their hearts into one again. Take them to a new height in love for one another and for You. I pray this in the name of Him who has called us, who has freed us and who has loved us purely, Jesus Christ, amen.
So Sean, you gotta talk to her. I know you have before but you must keep on finding ways to make her understand. You have to search how Jesus would have you love her even if she never opens herself to you again. You must ask Jesus to fill your heart with love for her and that He will show you how to express that in ways that will be irresistible. It can happen my friend. Nothing is too hard for our God!
Nick:
I feel for Janie because I am going through the same situation after only being with my boyfriend for 1 year 2 month. We have sex once a week. I look the same as I did when we met and act the same as well, accept now, just very frustrated and lonely. We are now living together and it is a VERY LONELY feeling to have the person you love next to you but yet you cannot touch him or expect to be touched. I have cried myself to sleep numerous evenings. It is very very lonely. I have been in 4 serious relationships (he is the 4th) and never have I experienced anything like this. NEVER. All of his friends constantly tell him what a beautiful women I am and that if he doesn’t marry me that he is stupid, and before I would have married him, but now I am not so sure that, that is a good idea. Not if I want to feel lonely for the rest of my life. My BF complains he is always tired and that he has diabetes, but yet will not go to the doctor for his diabetes, will not exercise and is addicted to food. Nick, you need to stop being so hard on Janie because until you have gone through the same situation, you don’t know what it feels like. It is a very very lonely feeling.
I’m very similar to the man Donalyn is speaking about (no pornography though). I’ve been married for almost 9 years and I’ve lost my attraction to my wife. It has nothing to do with her looks, as she’s very pretty, but it’s just not there anymore. Up until this point in our marriage, I was rejected by her about 75 percent of the time I pursued. When she would accept, it was like she was finally giving in to my advances, and I should be so grateful for it :-/. She got so used to me hounding her for sex that she just assumed I’d always be there willing and able when she desired it. But now it’s gone.
I don’t want to be inappropriate, but she would NEVER go beyond anything “plain-Jane” in the bedroom with the lights out. The sex we did have may as well have been scripted. It was lock-step, same every time. Rarely anything beyond the “same-old”. I heard “No” constantly, and over time I started to recognize “No” for what it really meant: “leave me alone”. Well, she got her wish. I have no desire for her anymore, sadly.
I will not divorce her, turn to porn, or go seeking another woman, and I will submit to her as I’m commanded to do, as long as my ‘lil guy’ awakens for it . . . or if he even does.
PLEASE LADIES! God commanded those things, such as 1 Cor 7, for a reason. Every time you reject him (your husband), or withhold your body from him as a bargaining tool, it damages the marriage. God knew that, He created us! Take it from me, eventually his desire for you will diminish. Then you’ll just be roommates.
Janie I do agree that how we are brought up does impact how we respond as adults. That is true whether male or female. Anytime two people come together with different backgrounds it makes for some interesting moments and it is no different in this area of showing physical affection, especially in public.
Nick,
Thank you. I think you nailed it. My husband didn’t have a very affectionate childhood nor teenage age. It’s very important how a man is brought up. My sister has a 23 year old son. He is very tall and athletic, but he likes to come to me and hug me just to show me love as he did when he was much younger. My husband does hug me and kiss me a lot, it took him years to open up like this. It’s really just the sex part he doesn’t like to do that often. But when we do it, it’s great, he has no problem to do it 4 times a day. If he wants to. And he likes to talk and be with me. That’s not a problem.
Oh Anna, I am so sorry to read this. My heart hurts for you. I’ve been sitting here trying to think of what to say and I am truly not sure. I cannot give you back the years that you have suffered alone. But as I type this I’m reminded of a verse in the book of Joel (2:25 to be precise) where God is speaking and he says, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten”. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a field after locust have passed by, but there’s basically nothing left. They eat everything down to the stub. If you feel like that, like you’re left holding just the stub of your life, know that God can and will redeem that. Your story is not over yet. There is more to come.
I imagine that you must feel very alone. Is there somewhere where you can get some community? Are you part of church or a small group? Do you volunteer? Is there a place where you are wanted and needed and useful? I know that it won’t replace what you are missing, but it might help you to bear it. A friend of mine says that everyone needs a place away from home that feels like home. Do you have somewhere like that? I know that you have not been able to have children of your own, is there a place where you can be in the lives of children? Does your city have a reading program in their elementary schools? They are often looking for people to come and read with the kids. Are you into sports? Is there a league that could use help? There are people who need you, people who’s faces will light up when they see you coming, people who are glad you’re here. You need to find them. Think about what it is that you love best and find the other people who are doing that.
it was cruel of your husband to tell you that he doesn’t know why you got married. The truth of it is that he may have forgotten, but there was a time when he chose you, a time when you chose each other. No one held a gun to his head and forced the marriage vows from his lips. He may not know now, but he did know once. He didn’t just wake up one morning married. He chose. There are responsibilities inherent in getting married. Companionship in general and sex to be specific are totally normal and healthy and usual expectations. As much as you can, refuse to accept his suggestion that this is your fault. It may be partially your fault, but very very rarely in marriage is a situation entirely one partner’s doing.
It breaks my heart to hear you say that you wasted your life. Your life is not over. So what do you differently, now today, to make sure that tomorrow is not wasted? You are not a prude for wanting to have sex with your husband. You are not someone to be shut away. The world needs you. You mentioned that your husband is a very lonely person. Has he dragged you into his loneliness as well? Do you stay home because he won’t come with you? Try going out anyway – not out on a date – but out with friends, out to the park or the theatre, or out to dinner. Do you have a pet? A dog might help. Again, it’s not going to replace a husband, but it can be very therapeutic to have something that enjoys your touch, something that comes to you rather than turning away. Did you know that cats and dogs have been shown to reduce blood pressure? Also, a dog in particular will get you out of the house and into the neighbour for walks everyday. It will get you to the park where you’ll meet other dog people. There are puppies and older dogs in humane societies across the country looking for homes right now. If things are stressful at home, an older dog might be a really good choice because he or she would already been trained and would likely bother your husband less. Something to consider.
I’ve never met a person yet who was genuinely un-interesting. I highly doubt that you are the first. I think your husband is wrong. I think he’s saying these things to blame you so that you’ll back off and stop mentioning it. It’s a weapon, shame, a powerful one. Refuse to believe it. Ask him if there is something non sexual that he would like to do together. See if he has an interest you can join him in. I know it’s hard to be the one to do the work when you’re also the one who has been wronged, but take action. He’ll never see it coming :)
I don’t know if you believe in prayer, but I do, so this is what I prayed for you today:
Dear God,
I pray that you would be with Anna today. I hear the hurt and the loneliness in her words and it makes my heart sad. I pray that you would be very close to her and comfort her. She must feel so alone, remind her that she is yours. Remind her of how much you love her. Help her to find a place where she fits in. If a dog could help I pray that you would provide exactly the right one. If there’s somewhere she can get involved, show it to her. I pray for her husband, that you would soften his heart just as you softened the heart of a Pharaoh all those years ago (but without the plagues please!). I pray that you would remind him of why he married his wife, and stir up the cold embers where love used to burn bright. Restore them to each other Father. What you have joined together let no man, not even her husband, put asunder. Thank you for loving Anna more than she can understand. Amen.
My husband has been refusing sex and intimacy with me for 30 years. He says I’m a prude, boring, and not at all interesting.
I asked why we married and all he says I ask myself that question every morning. You can just imagine how i’ve felt all these years. We never had kids because he didn’t want any, I wanted kids and he said not by me, find some one else and make sure he supports them. Were in our 60′s now and i totally wasted my life being with him. He is a very lonely person, no friends that I know of not gay (never leaves the house) not into porn (I have a lap top that is with me all the time), he hasn’t a computer. Don’t ever get mixed up with a person like him, if you do get rid of him.
Nick, I disagree with your statement that “men do not like cuddling and kissing most the time”. I am sure there are some men who shy away from physical touch, but I do not believe that applies to the majority.
Janie,
If you are damn sure that he doesn’t have any physical problem and he is not into another woman either then it means he has psychological problem with intimacy as i told you before this is very common problem in MEN. Lots of Men don’t like to touch others and being touched in a very intimate way. They find themselves very uncomfortable. Your man is one of them. I have found that this problem is more common in those men whose parents especially mothers had not been affectionate with them in their childhood and teenage. If a boy is not touched by their parents affectionately more often in their young age, they develop a touch phobia. Also Men are naturally tough and not so emotional creatures. Men instinctively do not like touching too much because it might get a man weak emotionally like a woman. To protect his family and to lead something, A man should be tougher and rational. A emotionally weak man cannot protect and lead. But touching is a part of woman’s genetics. A woman cannot survive without this that’s why women are in extreme pain when their partners do not touch them a lot.
Here your man seems to be very selfish. You know, women and men are different. we have to do many things for others which we don’t like. For example Lots of women don’t like sex too much but they still do it to make their husbands happy. Similarly a man should cuddle and kiss his woman daily or more often just to make her feel wanted and loved even though men do not like cuddling and kissing most the time but he should do it to satisfy his partner. In fact, your man does not have a real sense of man-woman relationship. I think, people like your man should not come into a relationship unless they know why humans make relationships. Actually your man is a kind of persons who needs just presence of a person around him so that he could not feel lonely. This is same as Roommates living in a hostel. They don’t talk to each other too much but at least their presence in a room do not make each other feel lonely.
Dear Claire,
Thank you so much for your time. Yes, my husband’s libido or the lack of it is weird. I have never known a man who doesn’t need sex. Yesterday, he asked me again what’s wrong with me, so I told him. He seemed to be upset that I didn’t tell him earlier and he said that he wants both of us to be happy. Then he asked me if I have my period, I said yes and he doesn’t want to sleep with me when I have it (would touching me with his finger hurt him?). I’ve never known a man who would have a problem touching his woman when she has her cycle, too. So much for wanting me be happy. I don’t get his behavior. My problem is I hate him so much for that. I hate my begging, my waiting, his manipulation. It’s my mistake, I know, I married him. But at this point I really feel I want to get out of this and have a real man again. I think when I finally get a MAN I would regret all these years I spent feeling unwanted.
Nick,
I started living with my husband when he was 32. He didn’t want it back then either. So it has nothing to do with age. I have a 70-year-old father who I can talk to openly. He wants it every day… I don’t care much about liberation movement, I’ve been very sexual since I can remember. It’s just the way I am and my ex boyfriend didn’t have a problem to handle me. My husband has no physical problems, so it’s more about not wanting to please me, not that he can’t.
I make money as well. So I go to work, then clean and cook. I wanted to say that he has a full service and I don’t.
Janie,
As you said there are days when you don’t want to cook but you do it for him anyway. I think, you forget Men also provide for their families but they never think they should not provide for them for a few days or months. But In fact Men provide for their families for all of their lives whether they like it or not.
Another reason as to why your man has low sexual desires for you could be that he has a touch phobia. A lot of men have this problem. This is very rare a woman has touch phobia, but this is very common psychological problem in MEN. All Women naturally and instinctively love touching their partners, children, female friend and relatives and being touched by them. It gives them a sense of their being secured loved or wanted. Women miss it a lot more if there is lack of touching but men don’t.
Janie,
If your husband is having low desire for sex. This is normal as long as he cares for you. As a man ages, sexual desire significantly goes down. After women’s liberation movement, women are extensively enjoying all those things which ever used to be ownership of men. Therefore Men are unable to satisfy all demands of their women especially sex. There was a time when only men used to enjoy sex a lot more but now women enjoy sex and they want it more and more. This situation causes many men too much discomfort and they cannot handle it. I think if he is giving you money and other life necessities and he loves you but he doesn’t have sex with you a lot more then you should accommodate yourself to this situation. You should not quit the relationship.
Hi Janie,
I did see your comment – it keeps getting moderated because a few of the words in it are tripping the filter. I agree with what you said about sex being shared – it was always meant to be something shared between two people, something that bonds you and brings you together. I can only imagine how it feels to have him turn away from you in those moments.
It sounds like his need for sex is pretty low, which is a bit unusual. I’m not sure what else to suggest if he flatly refuses to see a doctor. You cannot force someone to go. You said that you have talked to him over and over and it doesn’t seem to go anywhere. I wish I had a magic trick that would make this time different. My guess would be that making sex “more boring” for lack of a better word isn’t the answer. It sounds like it’s the frequency of sex that he struggles with rather than say, the content of your times together.
I don’t think that giving him a taste of his own medicine is likely to work – only because it keeps you angry and it keeps you focussed on what is wrong. I can imagine how tempting it would be to do that, but I think it’s going to add tension to your marriage, not take it away. You mentioned, “He never does anything when I need it.” Was that referring specifically to sex, or would you say that it applies to other areas of your relationship as well?
There’s an article that going up on our site tomorrow that I’m going to give you a sneak peak at now because I think it might really speak to your situation, it’s here: In a Rut? Sheila Wray Gregoire who writes extensively on relationships has written about what to do when you’re stuck in an unwanted pattern in your marriage. She talks about active steps you can do, without having to wait for your husband, without the worry of trying to change his mind. Take a read, I think it might help.
This is what I posted yesterday:
Claire,
Thank you for your comment and advice, I appreciate it. Of course I talked to him about everything, hundreds times. I’m very open. And it improves after a conversation for a few days, he tries, but then it’s back to where it was. He doesn’t even like to make sexy remarks or anything like that. It’s just how he is. When we have sex it’s great – I have an orgasm withing 2 minutes, then second and third, so there is really no problem like spending 2 hours with me. And it doesn’t matter if it’s vaginal, oral or with hand. If I feel like it, hand would be really ok if he doesn’t feel like making actual love. He’ll be done in a minute and I’ll be happy. I feel it’s wrong doing it myself all the time, I feel sex should be shared. When we started living together he was a 32-year-old bachelor, never lived with a woman before, he was 4 years without a girlfriend at that time. He said he wasn’t used to having frequent sex, but it’s been 8 years since he has me. He saw his girlfriend only once in three weeks as she traveled a lot a he said she didn’t want to do oral and wasn’t really into sex, but I feel he perhaps appreciated her more than me by what he told me… Maybe if I rejected him all the time and allow only missionary position, he would think higher of me… As he said, he has it anytime he want it with me and thinks it’s great, of course. I rejected him in the morning after a week I wanted it so badly. But he never showed interest. And I felt so bad after showing him no, I don’t understand how he can do it to me, if he knows I want it so much, am ready and so.
And what I did in order to increase the frequency? I don’t know. I begged him, threatened him, was packed several times, cried… I’m not proud of that and don’t really know what worked. When we talk we always agree of what we would do – I wouldn’t get offended if he says no because he is tired or whatever and he would try to satisfy me at least with his hand, but it’s always the same. He never does anything when I need it.
Nick,
I never reprimanded my husband for checking out other women in public – he doesn’t do it. It looks like HE is completely happy with me. I don’t know why he would want to revenge me. He admitted he thinks about sex several times a day, we agreed he would come to me and ask for it, to no avail. He also thinks that everyone has the right in the relationship to say no. But he says no all the time or at least doesn’t show an interest in me and if I initiate, he rejects me. As I said, I felt terrible after rejecting him when he was obviously horny. I don’t understand how he ca do it so easily. And when I asked him what I should do if he says no and I want it, he didn’t have an answer. I’m giving up and wouldn’t sleep with him anymore, although I guess it’s harder for me than him, but I can do it and I will. Yes, I want to revenge him for doing it to me. Let’s see if he says something after 6 months of no sex…
Claire,
Yesterday, I thanked you for your advice, but for some reason it didn’t show up on the screen. Well, I don’t think it is just a detail, for me it ruins the whole relationship. It’s so hard to take a walk or talk when somebody feels horny. And the think is he knows me really well and still denies me love making. It’s almost like he wants to manipulate me or control me or for some sick reason it makes him feel good when I’m unhappy, I don’t know. We watched a sexy thriller last night with some hot scenes and nothing. Many times, when I hug him I feel that it makes him aroused and he would not do anything about it! I don’t think that’s normal. I’ve been with him since I was 21 and I want a passionate sex. We have all the time over the weekends and a big house. He still prefers to plant the trees instead. It makes me want to scream. I decided to flip the script and not to ever sleep with him. He doesn’t deserve it. At this point I’m frustrated, angry and I want it and I’m not a good actress therefore he can tell something is wrong with me, but when he asks I’m not telling him because I told him hundred times and yes, we talked million times about this, he knows exactly what I need and how I feel. I’m able to orgasm within a couple of minutes and then have 3-4 more orgasms one after another, if he wouldn’t stop, I’d have I don’t know how many more. It’s not like he has to spend 3 hours with me. However, even after a quickie I feel like I’m keeping him from doing something else. We agreed he would use his hand to satisfy me if he didn’t want to have sex (it’s a question of 2 minutes, really), but he just says no and for him it’s resolved.
Gwen,
Please don’t take your bf’s behaviour so seriously because there are many men who don’t like to touch or feel secretions coming from private parts of a woman. Unlike Men’s private part, Women private part keep releasing different kind of fluids and secretions all the time which lots of men find unpleasant. If your man is having sex with you regularly without touching your pvt parts it is good for you. He can kiss u and touch your other parts of body a lot to make you satisfied.
Janie,
There is a Psychology behind your problem. If you remember that women always very strongly slam men for checking out women’s bodies in public, for having extreme desires for sex, for thinking about sex every second. But Men never put such kind of blames on women. So in a relationship, some men avenge their women psychologically or mentally by significantly reducing sexual contacts with them as men know very well women equate sex with love. Men try to show their women that Look, we are not so sexual as you women always keep blaming us for being too much sexual and men try to get their women desperate for sex just to prove to everyone we men are not so sexual as you women are and also we men can have a healthy and good relationship even if we don’t have much sex but you women start looking outside for someone else for sex and intimacy. Men try to prove that women are much more sexual than men because woman leaves her relationship just because she is not getting enough sex. I think this is a good tactic of men to prove women more sexual than men.
I wish i could talk to him he tells me there i always something wrong with me and Im just crazy like my mother because I cause strife i don’t deserve Gods love
Janie,
It is very normal and appropriate for you to want to have sex with your husband. I know that you are hurting but I would strongly encourage you NOT to take a lover. That is never going to be a step toward your marriage, only ever a step away from it. You mentioned that previously he wanted sex even less often than he wants it now, what did you guys do back then that increased the frequency? Is it something you can do again now? As hard as it may be to consider, there is good in your situation – namely that your husband IS sleeping with you, just not as often as you’d like. That’s not to say that this isn’t a problem, it is, but you do have this going for you. He has not abandoned sex completely.
So how do you get from what you’ve got to what you want?
It comes down to a question of balancing your needs and expectations with his. You’re going to need to have a very honest conversation, a safe and gentle conversation. You said that, “I feel like a hooker that I want to sleep with my husband.” What a horrible feeling. Have you told your husband that you feel that way? Have you told him that you feel rejected personally when he rejects you sexually? He needs to know how you feel and then he needs to have the opportunity to tell you have he feels. Just as you have reasons and needs why you want more sex he has reasons and needs surrounding why he wants less. You two have been together for quite a while, I’m guessing this isn’t the first time you’ve had to work out a compromise. That’s what this needs to be. You can’t just force him to have more sex and it’s not fair for him to just force you to have less.
You’re going to have to do this together, listening to each other, caring about each other and being open to hear each other out. Be prepared for things to get really specific. Be brave ask him, “Is there anything I’m doing that you don’t like? Did I say something wrong?” Sometimes it’s a perception of the truth that clouds our reality. Does he think that you want a huge show each time when he’d prefer it gentle from time to time? These are things you need to find out. You love each other, you are together and able to be together, this is just the details. You can work this out.