Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!
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So often I hear about how much men need sex, but my husband has no interest in sex. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my husband want me?
Donalyn: Well first of all, there is nothing wrong with you! The first response of most women in your situation is to second-guess or blame themselves. While your husband’s lack of desire is certainly a problem, it is most likely not a problem with you. In fact, most sexual problems aren’t sexual at all.
Dave: That is right Donalyn. We sometimes have the idea that for men, the sexual experience is detached from what is going on inside. In reality, a man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desire. If he feels emotionally distant from his wife, and especially if he feels like a failure in any way, it can lead to a lack of confidence and therefore a lack of interest in sex. For a man, sexual performance is very much tied to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself it will definitely show up in his approach to sexual intimacy with his wife.
Donalyn: As women, we know that our sexual appetite is diminished when we do not feel connected to our husbands, or if there is unresolved anger between us. But we forget that our husband’s sex drive can also suffer for these same reasons. Likewise, if a man is overworked or under a lot of stress, whether inside or outside the home, sexual interest may start to take a back seat.
What does God have to do with love?
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.
Dave: Of course, there are all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here too. If your husband has had any struggles with erectile dysfunction, that is likely a huge contributing factor. If he is feeling any lack of confidence in his ability to perform, he will almost certainly shy away from physical intimacy. Libido is also significantly impacted by testosterone levels, so if your husband has low testosterone, that could be the cause. Drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, may hinder the sexual desire. The good news is that many of the physical factors are very treatable, so it may be time for your husband to have a doctor’s appointment to get some help with this.
Donalyn: Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which are not so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person’s involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities. That is becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the Internet.
Dave: It is true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it’s a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.
Donalyn: So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he is just getting those needs met elsewhere.
Dave: Exactly. And it is not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a variety of fantasy sources, combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping women out and fantasizing about them later. Others give into their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be “neuter” for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there does not seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.
Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.
Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.
Donalyn: I would ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest. Ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Maybe he knows exactly what the problem is, or perhaps you will have to work through it together to discover what lies at the root. The best thing you can do is approach it as a team. He cannot be made to feel like this is all his problem to solve on his own. He needs to know that you are on the same side. So share with him your needs and your desires – how you would like things to be. Then work together to get there.
Dave: That is right. Support him throughout the process as he works through his fears and insecurity. Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.
Donalyn: Right. But that is tough to do if you discover that pornography or other illegitimate behaviors are part of the picture.
Dave: Yes, that is very true. But if you do suspect that this is a factor, you are going to ask him the tough questions about where he is having his sexual needs met. And as hard as it will be, if your husband has the courage to open up with you and share his struggles in this area, he will need your support. These issues can be worked through and overcome, but not without a great deal of patience and understanding.
Donalyn: It is also important to find out if there is anything that you have been doing to contribute to the problem. Not that it ever excuses wrong behavior on his part, but you need to know if you have said or done anything to turn him away from you. It may be that you have a critical spirit, that you have been controlling him or cutting him down, or that you are making him feel less of a man. If so, these are behaviors that you can take responsibility for and begin to change, in order to improve the situation between you.
Dave: Absolutely. If a man is feeling constantly criticized or dominated, it creates big damage to his self-worth, and that filters down to his sexual interest. So find out what issues may be coming between you and take positive steps to resolve them. You might even read some marriage and sexuality resources to help you through this process. Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman and Staying Close, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey are good places to start.
Donalyn: Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.
Dave: Keep in mind 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”
While I would not necessarily recommend preaching at your husband, every couple needs to remember that depriving or denying each other increases the temptation to have sexual needs met elsewhere. Again, it never legitimizes it. But a wise person will work to keep their spouse satisfied within the marriage.
Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Does your sex life need help? Find out why men can have a low sex drive.
Learn more about intimacy anorexia
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Dear Sad Wife,
I ask myself that very same question…WHAT DO I DO?
Although my husband and I were married young, I noticed pretty early on that he was not as interested in intimacy as
much as I was. I have always felt like there was something wrong with me because even thought I felt he loved me, he just wasn’t interested in me. I don’t have the best self-esteem but I do feel I am pretty. I am sure I can be pursued by other men but I make sure I don’t put myself in that situation. We have been married 9 years, we have two beautiful boys, I love him with all my heart (I am one of those women that gives their heart to one man and forever) I think he is very sexy (and I make sure I tell him), yet he still doesn’t want me. We have talked (is it me?), and talked (can I do something different?), and talked (could it be your medication?), and talked (why don’t you want me?!), and talked (just tell me what it is!). I know he hasn’t cheated and I know he is not looking for anyone else. He just doesn’t want sex/me. Just today, we were home alone and I gave him the most passionate kiss I could, told him how much I wanted him and how turned on he was making me. When I realized he wasn’t going to have me, I looked him in the eyes and gave him the best smile I could. Feeling sorry for myself, I began to softly cry. I didn’t mind that he saw me cry…he knew why I was crying. All he said was that he hates when he makes me cry. Like I said, I know he loves me and I love him…I want him. I feel like we are roommates. I love our children and know that they deserve to have both their parents. I get mad…frustrated…angry and I think to myself that this is not the marriage I wanted to have. But I also think about every other problem I could be trading my current one for…infidelity/trust issues, inability to support himself/us/family, drugs/alcohol, physical/emotional abuse, or even my inability to love someone else.
I’m far from perfect and I know that. But I thought my marriage would be different. I am an optimist and think that things will change for the better. There are days that I wonder if they will and find myself asking: What do I do?
hi vivian
i also got this problem they are addicted to porn ,they dont like us to come to there world . they live in a world of fantasy .only we get hurt . i married for more than one year im still a virgin .cos they cant change them self .so many girls a affected by porn .it spoil marriage life . first of all porn movies should be band . try to stop this if not u will loose . im so fedup,and dis press, self confidence and hope and faith on god looseing . evil is breaking the marriage life by porn , be-careful girls b4 you get marriage ask him are you addicted to porn . pray pray pray lot vivian . dont give up ur love on him, start praying a lot for him. cos evil expect to give trouble to u and break the marriage,ur sleep wil be lost,u will feel as looser . don,t give up dear try lot good luck. C
TNA
Vivian, that is a heartbreaking way to start your marriage. You say that you completely love your husband so I have to assume that He is a man of character and kindness. It would make sense then that you and he could talk through this issue in such a way that you can help him to understand how his actions are impacting you and for you to understand why he is compelled to seek his sexual gratification without you. From your description it sounds like he has developed a very unhealthy view of sexuality and in order for your marriage to thrive that is going to have to change.
My husband and I just got married two weeks ago. However, we have been together for over two years. Over the last few months his desire for me is greatly decreasding. Most nights he chooses to masturbate to porn, his imagination, or celebrities that he can google. Worst of all even on the nights that we do have sex I wake up in the middle of the night and has left the bed to masturbate in the living . He also usually masturbates in the morning. Sometimes when I catch him I try to help him and he tells me to leave him alone. I’m only 21 and I’m just not mentally or emotionally ready for these types of problems. Feeeling rejected by my husband is really starting to effect my confidence and mental health. I love my husband with all my heart he is the most attractive man in the world to me. At the end of the day there is no one that i would rather be with and its killing me that he doesn’t feel the same.
Hi Jennifer, let me start off by admitting I am really bad at figuring out what somebody else is thinking. I am almost always wrong. What I have found that works the best for me is talking it through. If there is something that is bothering me I have to let that person know and try to figure out how best to work it out. The wonderful thing is, nothing makes a stronger marriage than talking about what is going on inside of us. The more we do that the deeper our love grows for one another.
So let me encourage you to reframe this issue a little bit. There is an aspect of your husband that you aren’t clear on. It is a perfect excuse to talk to him about your feelings and listen to him talk about his feelings. You are lucky to have this kind of a chance to really go deep with each other. You want to talk to him about his feelings about sex, what he observed about his parents affection towards each other and to him. You get to study the way his past relationships have gone both the good and the hurtful. You have the opportunity to let him into the private places of your heart and let him know about you insecurities and fears. You get to share about the way you grew up and how that has impacted the person that you are.
As you change the way you approach the conversation you move it away from two opponents trying to maneuver the other into a place that they want, and more towards two team mates working together to grow in their love for one another by inviting the other to uncover the intricacies of who they are. That is a completely different conversation with completely different results for the two of you. I am betting that the more he is invited into that kind of conversation the more you are going to have to get the kids to allow you some “mommy and daddy time” (wink wink nudge nudge say-no-more say-no-more).
God is good!
i have been married a yr. and a half. we met online and mariied a few months later. he has never been married and doesn’t have any children. i however, had been divorced 13yrs. with two children. my husband has never been “sexual”. he is the first guy i have EVER met that wasen’t trying to be all over me. my husband has never wanted to play around, he doesn’t watch porn (which i don’t like) and he rarely wants sex. it makes me feel like he isn’t attracted to me, even though he has always been this way. he is very sweet and tells me i am pretty but, i don’t feel ATTRACTIVE. i am overweight, so i don’t know if it is just my imagination. also, me and my husband have always lived 3 hrs. apart because of my kids, i cant leave this small town, and because of the economy, he cant leave the city. we are working on it though. he seems interested in us being together and he is very good to me and my children, but feeling attractive in a relationship means alot. i often wander if he is cheating and i just dont see it or bisexual and i dont know it. he denies this and laughs and tells me that is just the way he is. but, i just wander!!! what do you think??
Kanika, I appreciate your desire to keep sex as a special commitment between husband and wife. That is the way that God has intended it and our relationships always are healthier when we follow God plans.
As with all conflicts in relationships, the best way to work through this issue with your boyfriend is to talk it through. The more clear you are about your desire to wait for marriage and how his pressuring you makes you feel the easier it will be for him to understand and put his passions under control.
Hello.My boyfriend and i had a relationship for 1 year and half. but after started the relation for about 3 months we had the first sex.it was the first time for me and also for him.and nowaday he is still begging me for that time again and again.and i dont know how to stop his feeling.because i dont want any sex before married. :(
Ann, how does your faith and your church make a difference for you? I can imagine someone in your situation could get pretty angry at God. How do you understand God’s action in your life? What warning would you give to young women? How do they avoid getting into a marriage like yours?
I hope you don’t mind me asking these questions. It is rare to find a person who has remained in a marriage as you describe it. What has led you to keep your commitment to your husband for so many years?
Thank you jpetes for being interested in my previous message! You had asked if I had faith and yes I do, my church has helped alot. And also as far as counseling goes my husband would never go through with that. I’am just an older women who is tired, angry, depressed and feel ugly and not wanted. Thank fully I have some good friends. I have accepted that my life will not ever be complete. I don’t want pity I just hope some young lady will read this and won’t get messed up like I have.
Susan:
Thank you very much for your kind words. I have been in a church environment myself. In fact, I and my ex-husband pastured a church for about 6 years. He and I ended up in divorce after 18 years due to a very difficult circumstance that I will not go into, but was in ways attributed to sex. I know what it is to be married and lose everything even though you didn’t want to divorce. I thought my marriage was scared but it wasn’t. The things I went through in my marriage most women would not have endured. This is why I do not judge others because I have been on the married side. For me to tell someone what they should be doing or not doing is not my place. I endured alot of my marriage because I tried with all my heart to practice forgiveness. So I let things in my marriage slip by me because of forgiveness in my heart, however, even though I went through all of what I did in my marriage and as much as I tried to forgive, I still have sadness in my heart. I still love my ex-husband probably always will and I know we as humans fall but with God’s help, we lift ourselves up again. I know God is helping my ex to lift himself up again and God is also helping me. I know its not right to live together without being married by church but I after enduring all that I did in my marriage I am cautious about what I do. My common-law husband is a wonderful man and loves me very much, although not very affectionate, which makes me feel very lonely at times. However, in the last couple of weeks I have prayed and continue to pray to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ asking him to restore the desire that my common-law husband once had for me, and I have to say that lately he has been very loving, affectionate and our sex life is also getting better. Before all I could think about was leaving my common-law husband, but I know now that God has placed my common-law husband in my life for some reason. Although he is a very loving, caring and giving man, before my common-law husband would not pray, we now pray together. Pretty soon I know that we will be going to church together. These may be baby steps in our walk with God together, but they are steps. I hope that everyone reading this will not judge me but will instead pray for me and my common-law husband to heal and to desire each other the way we used to. He has asked me to marry him, so when the time is right we will make it official. Susan hang in there sweetie. God will answer your prayers and I know He will continue to answer mine as well. God bless you all.
Dear Susan,
The mentoring staff at TruthMedia deeply regret how this mentor has acted towards you because you are not married. We will be taking appropriate steps to ensure that this matter is dealt with. It’s our mandate at TruthMedia to extend a loving hand to all our mentees and to walk alongside someone in their pain not to exhibit harshness or judgment.
Doris Beck,
Interactive Director,
TruthMedia a division of Power to Change
To Claire and MGG,
Thank you for understanding, I feel a lot better that you guys have read what the mentor said and see what I am talking about. I was raised in church since a child. In Pentecostal Church, God is an amazing God and I know he forgives. But I just wanted to talk as well as express my feelings. But thank you so much for making me feel better. I know it is a sin, I will bring it up to him about continuing the path of marriage. I have five more classes to go to receive my Associates Degree. I will start planning after school. I have everything put away from when I started to plan the little ceremony we wanted to have. But it is time we should get it done. He is on the same page of wanting to get married, thank god. But I will bring it up during dinner. He knows I have wanted to start going to church again. But as a child raised in church I was taught not to make a sinner feel bad in the way Jude did. But to explain with the bible and scripture of God. what is correct and what is not. You have to be with open arms and love to a person who either does not understand what is wrong or who does. Either way we all have a soul. And if we make a person rear of the path of God that is a sin also. Thank you Claire for telling me about Sheila Wray Gregoire. I did tell Jude my mother never really explained the topic of sex. She was too embarrassed. what mother isn’t hahaha. If I had a child I would probably be kinda scared also. Thank you MGG for being so wonderful I do pray for you and your husband as well. You sound like a wonderful person. : )
God Bless everyone of you,
Susan
Susan,
I am sorry to hear that you were hurt by the response you got from the mentor. I was quite surprised when I read it myself and will be having a discussion with our mentoring co-ordinator. Power to Change is a Christian website and as such we do believe that God designed sex to be kept between marriage partners. However, and this is a big however, it is not our usual practice to shame people or to shun them. You came here for help and it is my sincere hope that all who do that will get helped. Do I genuinely believe that life is better with God? Yes I do. But you do not have to agree with me on that in order to get help here.
You said that you wished your mentor had explained why marriage is important, I think that is an excellent question. Sex, as you know, is designed to bond people as well as to be pleasurable for its own reasons. There is a level of intimacy involved in sex that simply does not exist anywhere else. The Bible says that that level of intimacy is reserved for people who have made a lifetime commitment to each other — that if you’re going to open yourself up to someone that much it should be the person who is going to stick around forever. If you’ve ever been in a relationship where you were sleeping together and then the relationship ended, then you know how much pain is involved when that intimate bond is broken. If sex stays within marriage then you’re spared from all that hurt. Sheila Wray Gregoire has written more about this topic here and she explains it better than I can.
Is it never our intention to shame someone, to add to their stress or to make them feel worse about their situation. The mentoring program exists because we genuinely want to help and I am sorry that that is not what happened for you.
Sincerely,
Claire Colvin
Sr. Ed., Power to Change
Susan:
I am so sorry you were treated this way. I was too treated this way on this site. I too have been in a relationship and have had the same issues with my BF not wanting to have sex but once a week sometimes longer and not even wanted to hold me, cuddle, kiss me or just hold hands, unless he is in the mood. This feels very lonely. I was also shunned by a so called MENTOR. I felt like I was being judge just cause I was not married, but have been in my relationship with my BF for a while now. We actually live together and have at times presented ourselves as husband and wife. I am in the legal field and I know that in fact we are now considered as common law married. Nevertheless I was judge, and yes the bible does talk above fornication, however the bible also talks about JUDGING others which is what has been done to you and myself. I have not returned to this site because of this judging. I needed consoling at a difficult time and instead I was judged. In fact, I was basically told that I needed to have God in my life and needed to be saved. Well we all sin. We are human not saying we should sin, but NO ONE has the right to tell me or anyone else that I/we don’t have God in our hearts. I pray for you and your husband Susan that all well get better. Everything in God’s time. God bless.
“The conversation is free, confidential and non-judgmental. You can keep talking to your mentor as long as you like and there is never a fee. Talking about ideas, decisions and fears is better than not talking about them.”
I just needed to talk to someone not be Judged the way I was. I am sorry if I have offended anyone,that is not my intention. I know now this is for married people. I guess I was looked down at in this place.
Hello to all the married women on, I am so sad because I came here for advise. I emailed my story to a mentor on this site. this is my first time here. we emailed back and forth three times. Once she found out I have been with my boyfriend for five years. She shun me to the side like if I had a disease. this is the email she wrote back. Which hurt me a lot.
Wow Susan,
let me clarify, you are still NOT married??? so, you are talking about still having premarital sex? susan, premarital sex is a NO, NO not because God doesn’t want us to enjoy sex but it is prevention for a lot of heartaches in the future. he is NOT your husband yet?
susan, seriously, if you guys are not married yet, please don’t there! sex is beautiful between a husband and wife; when it is done outside of the marriage bed, it is fornication. it is sin.
get your job and get married… things will be different then.
take care and God bless,
jude
Maybe Im wrong, but I explained he motivated me to go to school, I am getting my degree for Criminal Justice and they will cut my funding to go to school and I would have to pay out of pocket which is a lot of money. So he wanted to wait till school was done to get married. I just cant believe I was treated like I was a horrible person. I thought I was making a friend to talk to on here and get advice. I guess I was wrong. She could of explained herself nicer and explained why we should be married and all maybe gave bible verses or something. : (
Stella, Have you and your husband had an opportunity to see a marriage counsellor? I am certainly not an expert but it sounds like it could be possible that in his grief over the loss of your child your husband is withholding sex as a way to protect himself from experiencing that pain again. As you said, it takes sex to make a baby and the last time you made a baby it ended tragically. I wonder if your husband is haunted by that experience? He might not even be consciously thinking “can’t have sex, can’t make baby” but it could be that a fear like that is at the root of his actions. A trained professional could really help to find out if there is something like this that is causing the issue or if it’s something else entirely.
It sounds like you’ve had a pretty stressful few years. Getting some outside help would be a very positive step toward your marriage. I often hear people who are afraid of the idea of counselling, they feel that it’s a final step for couples headed for divorce but that could not be farther from the truth. Counselling is a positive thing, it’s a way to help your marriage, to protect it and keep it. We all do maintenance on ours cars before they come to a grinding halt, we go to the dentist, we even get those tests at the doctor that no one likes getting. We do it to keep things safe, to make sure that small problems are dealt with before they become big problems. Maintaining your marriage works the same way. Seeing a counsellor can help you work through issues long before you start thinking about calling a lawyer.
No one forgets to have sex. We choose not to have it, or choose not to initiate it, or choose to withhold it or choose to turn away from it. It’s not one of those things that you just didn’t get around to. There is a reason somewhere why your husband is choosing not to have sex. Whether it’s a reason he can name or not, whether it’s a fear or an emotion, a reaction or a belief, there is something that makes choosing “not sex” seem more attractive than the alternative. He may not be able to work out his own thought processes by himself but a counsellor can help. Be prepared. It is unlikely, very unlikely, that this is all him. You’re going to be part of this discussion as well. There may be things you are doing or not doing that play into this as well. Go to a counsellor but go as a team united, not as two people looking for someone to blame. You are in this together and you can fight FOR your marriage, you can work to improve your relationship. Sex is no small thing to go without, but ending a marriage hurts like hell. See a counsellor and my hope is that you can avoid both and grow a marriage that is a delight to both of you.
Jenna, Trust takes time to rebuild. You said that he acknowledged the affair and apologized for it which is a great place to start from. You moved cities – does he still work for the same company? Is he in contact with this other woman in a work setting? I think you need to talk to your husband and figure out what you need him to do for you to feel safe in your marriage. For some couples after an affair the spouse that didn’t cheat is allowed to call the one who did any time of day and ask where they are and what they are doing. For others, they decide to be totally transparent with email and cellphones – you can see anything you want. You need to figure out what it would take for you and then talk to your husband about it. Have you two seen a marriage counsellor? I think that could really help you both as you work to strengthen your marriage.
My husband had an affair with his office collegue 2 yrs back..i got evidence of the same and confronted him..he apologized for the same ..and since then we have moved cities..but i still am confused if he is in touch with his ex or loves her..pls help me…
My husband and I have been married for a little over 7 years and before we were married we had sex all the time. However, almost since the beginning of our marriage did our sex life start to diminish. Then after the wedding I suffered the loss of my father. It was a very sad and depressing time. When I look back on it I realize that I was pretty hard to live with. We had a hard few years in there…in and out of counseling…separating…reconcilling…moving…just life stuff. Then last summer I got pregnant and my husband was ecstatic. Our sex life started to pick up and then I had a miscarriage. It was the saddest day of our life needless to say. Since then hardly no sex. We wanted to try and get pregnant again but it takes sex to make a baby. I feel like I’m in limbo. On the one hand I want a child. And on the other I want to be in a marriage that is sexually healthy. And if my husband is unable to meet my needs sexually should I stay?
I’m emotionally drained. I want to make it work but at what price? I feel like I’m going mad. He is a good man. Successful…smart…attractive…athletic..but he just isn’t interested in sex. I ask myself…Is is me? Am I unlovable? Am I asking for too much? Is God testing me? Seriously 7 years. When I look back at our marriage there is a lot of hurt but there is also a lot of good. If my husband is protecting himself from hurt than we will never get back on track sexually. Life is full of frustrations and hurt…but also good and joyful. I just have been longing for a partner that was passionate with life and with me. Unfortunately, I’ve started to think maybe he is not the man for me. I’d really love some encouragement. Thanks
My husband was involved with his office collegue some years back…i do not know still if he has contact with her..or if he is still in love..Help
I haven’t had it in my marriage but we have friends who in this last year had their marriage rocked by an affair. She had packed up and was ready to leave for good. But slowly, through a lot of prayer and many hours of talking through stuff they are back together and finding love once again. They both talk about how much Jesus has helped heal their relationship and played the biggest role in their reconciliation. There is still work to be done but it is amazing the difference in the last 3 months.
Half lost, you are not going to be able to change your husband. All you can do is create an environment in which change becomes easier for him to choose. You know that there are some deeper issues going on so there needs to be a way that those issues can be addressed. If he is not ready to trust you by talking those things through than one option is to build up that trust and safety by talking through things he is willing to deal with. Maybe it is conversations about his friends or maybe he is only willing to talk about his feelings about his sports teams. But if you authentically show interest and care about things that he is willing to talk about it could open doors to trusting you with other areas of his life. If you want to see the marriage restored you are going to need to take what he gives you and build from there.
I also want to reiterate the power of Jesus Christ to affect change in broken marriages. Have a look at this couple’s story of the way Jesus transformed their love for one another after an affair and divorce http://powertochange.com/iamsecond/i-do-again. Not only can Jesus change your heart and help guide you to the best way to love your husband, He is also able to change your husband’s heart. That’s what happened to the Scrugg’s (the couple in the video). She had cheated on her husband and left him but Jesus began working in her life and turned her completely around. She then waited until Jesus softened her husband’s heart so that he was ready to forgive and welcome her back. It is an amazing story and only possible because of Jesus.
Thank you Jamie for your prayer. I’ve tried talking to him about the deeper problem he is having … but its as If I’m talking to a brick wall… I miss making love but it kills me even more that he doesn’t want to open up to me… and I still catch him lying to me. Every night I just wish that he would decide that he wants to be open with me and that he loves me so much that he can’t quit showing it… & every morning I wake up to realize that my wish hasn’t come true & that its probably something I’ll have to give up on… =’( when I try to talk to him about our problems be either responds with anger, axta like he doesn’t care & changes the subject, or says nothing at all… I don’t know what to do anymore… I’ve told him before if things didn’t improve I would leave but he would make empty promises to get better & then he doesn’t even bother to put forth any effort…. I think he’s getting tired of my talking because now he throws petty flaws of mine in my face… and I’m starting to feel worthless and I worry that maybe he doesn’t love me but is waiting until our children get older before he. leaves me. What do I do?! What if he continues to lie to me and doesn’t change? Has anyone else ever. Been through this with their marriage & recovered without losing their relationship?
Half lost, generally speaking (there are exceptions when men’s lack of interest has medical causes) the lack of sex within a marriage is more of a symptom of a deeper issue. My recommendation to you is don’t fixate on the symptom but try to discover the deeper issue that is there. A marriage counsellor can be helpful in searching out the issues within a marriage that are causing problems. It sounds to me like you guys have had a year full of stressors (good and bad) and it could be that your husband is not dealing with those stressors well. Those are the things you want to talk with him about. Initiate conversations about what brings him joy and what fills him with fear. Talk about hopes for the future and things that are getting in the way of those hopes.
I have found that Jesus is a good guide who can help couples find their love for one another and strengthen their marriages and families. Let me invite you to talk to one of our online mentors who can help you discover the help that Jesus can bring to your marriage and your life. You can find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor.
Lord God, I pray for this family. There is so much that they have gone through with the marriage, the birth of the twins, the loss of the job, the affair and now they are trying to rebuild. They need Your help. Would You guide their reconciliation and renew the love that they have for one another? Would You rebuild their trust in one another and deepen the intimacy that they share together? Most importantly, would You help them both to find how a relationship with Your Son, Jesus Christ, can transform them as individuals and as a couple? In Jesus’ name, amen.
My husband and I (he is 10 years older than I am) have been married for a little over a year. We had Twins 3 months ago and he was laid off from his job in November. When I was 6 months pregnant my husband began withdrawing from me.. at most we only had sex once a week (at times even less often) and he quit communicating with me. After I gave birth to our children I found out he had been cheating on me during my pregnancy & had continued until we broke up. A couple days later he told me he felt empty without me so I agreed to give him another chance if he would be faithful to me & stop lying to me & put more effort into our relationship. We got back together November 1st & HR isn’t cheating on me (as far as I know) but he still isn’t intimate & I find myself growing more suspicious of him as time goes by. I’m not sure what to do… I want to save our relationship because this man is truly my soulmate!!! But I’ve never felt so depressed in my life and the countless talks I’ve had with him has changed nothing. Can I save this?! Or am I destined to live in a loveless Marriage forever? Please help, I just want the love of my life back… =’(
Samy, I am sorry that you have had to endure a marriage without sex for 10 years. That is not the way God intended marriage to function. Marriage is supposed to be based on an intimacy between husband and wife that makes the two become one. However, that missing intimacy is not going to be fixed by intimacy with another man. The pleasure of that sexual union will be marred by the broken promise of fidelity to your husband and lack the long-term commitment of marriage. That is a transient unfulfilling kind of intimacy.
I know the weight of unfulfilled love is one that can weigh heavily. Jesus promises to all of us that carry heavy loads in life, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) He can help transform broken marriages and unfulfilled lives. Let me invite you to talk to one of our online mentors who can help you find out how Jesus can make a difference in your marriage. You will find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
me and my husband have not had sex for last 10 yrs have been initiating it from my side but he is not intrested at all ….now i am seeing a man am i right or wrong …what should i be doing
OK, before I say what I’m going to say I just want acknowledge that we all have sinned against God and that includes me and we have no right to judge each other and the point I am about to make is in no way shape or form any type of judgment but is a hard truth that some may need to hear. Lord knows I needed to hear this truth and it set me free so here’s to hoping that it might set someone else free as well.
My dear brothers and sisters in Christ, how can we knowingly disobey God and at the same time expect answers to our prayers. In His word, God clearly states that fornication is a sin. Yet we enter relationships, have premarital sex and then when trouble comes we fall on our knees begging him to heal our ungodly relationships! Some of these relationships with premarital sex involved lead to marriage but unless your foundation has been built with Christ as your solid rock, unless you repent of the disobedience in which you started your marriage relationship, unless you get in a right relationship with God, I am sorry to say that your prayers will remain unanswered. I know this is not what most people want to hear but it is the cold hard truth. Read God’s word and find out for yourself. Yes God is merciful, yes He is compassionate, yes He is a good God and yes He is mighty to save but you cannot knowingly disobey Him and defy His commands and expect to be blessed by Him. I know that even the most obedient followers of Christ still experience relational trouble but they have the reassurance that their prayers are heard and being devoted and completely surrendered to His will for their lives, they know that their answers will come. I have been where most of you are right now and I did not welcome this truth at first but once I did and I repented and started making a conscious effort to follow Christ, the peace I have experienced is unfathomable and the joy of the Lord is my strength indeed. I didn’t think this was possible but I am living proof that it is. My life and relationship is in no way perfect but now I know that I am not alone. Please fellow Christians, let’s fall on our knees and repent and receive the forgiveness that is freely given and strive to live lives that are pleasing to the Lord. We are human so we will never be perfect. We will make mistakes but God always welcomes us back with open arms. Give your life to God and dedicate time to getting to know Him through His word and watch your life change for the better! If it can happen to me, it can happen to you too. yes, even YOU! Merry Christmas everyone and may God richly bless all the efforts you make towards following Him.
TNA I know it seems hopeless right now, but I promise you that Jesus can give you the strength you need to face the hurt from your husband. Jesus will bring you new life and joy. He promises, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30) You do not have to live with the weight of your hurtful husband. Jesus will help carry that load. Look to Him for help. Don’t give up without first talkiing to Him. Contact one of our mentors and they will help you hear what god wants to say to you. http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor
need a soul mate
hi thank you for praying for me .i prayed a lot now im fed up of praying .i came from a religious family .but after marriage i reduce going to church, i cant understand im just like a room mate to him ,i cook ,i clean ,i take care of him but nothing comes from his side .only a problems , smoking,alcohol,porn movie, other girls. he some times tell me about other girls cuteness and describe the sexiness i only have to listen .if i get angry then im a country girl . how can a wife listen others sexiness without doing anything with me .im getting mad of this i dont know i think now i have to pray for me . cos so many evil sprits control him its attacking me also . i dont have any hope about my life even i have no strength to die . im living as a dead person . why god gives much trouble to me .i think no one can help me cos god dont care about me .how can i ask from others to help me . this is my last msg to u . i wont continue here after . thank u for everything . goodbye and good luck for ur work
Hi, my husband and I have been married for a little over a year and a half. We dated for about a month and then got married. I had two children from two previous relationships prior to and that absolutly didn’t matter to him. He loves them and treats them as he would would his own (granted sometimes he is stricter than i would be, he is still an awesome dad). we now have an 8 month old and everything on the outside seems to be one be happy family. However, it is not. He never really “touches” me. holds me, barley kisses me. we only have sex when i intiate it. he is defnatly not cheating on me. he says that he just don’t have the drive to have sex all the time. but we hardly ever have sex! i try to tell him how i feel and how i want us to be intimate more often, but instead he constantly “falls asleep” or has an argument with me, or the biggest reason, baby is in bed with us so we can’t. i feel so unnatractive. i feel like im some hideous wildabeast. he never just does those little romantic things or intimate things that shows me he is in love with me. we fight all the time. i don’t know what to do or how i should even feel about it. he is going to a counselor because he does have anger issues. (that is a whole different story). i love him, but i am miserable in this marriage. i feel so alone. why do i feel alone? like he is just my roomate!
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. He is quite a bit older than me (14 years difference) We didn’t have sex before our marriage. However, I feel sex has been a difficult part of our lives ever since we got married.
He is such a great man, and in so many areas he has such a great understanding of the other people’s needs and my own needs. But I feel he doesn’t really understand much regarding our own sexual intimacy. I think as a newlywed I was frustrated to discover that he didn’t look for sex as often as I thought he would look for (“just like a normal guy looking for sex”). But I felt like I needed to initiate it most of the time and I wished we had it more often. I have talked to him several times, he says he understand but nothing changes. 5 years later, nothing really changed. Actually, there are times we don’t have any sexual intimacy for an entire month. I feel like I’m still young (26 y.o)for this. And many times I feel like I lost hope, feels like nothing is gonna change. He is a very faithful husband who has done so much for me and others as well. I’m not really sure how to approach differently, and I have a lot of frustration as well regarding this subject since I’ve lived with this situation since our marriage started 5 years ago.
Carlene, I am glad that you have posted this comment. Since you guys are so new in your marriage there is lots of opportunity to change things and develop better ways of communicating your love to one another. I would recommend that the two of you meet with a marriage counselor and talk through the struggles that you are having. Working through this issue will give you a good foundation for communicating well.
tna, your husband has a lot of personal issues that are impacting your marriage. Those are things that he has to address or it is going to have a very bad effect on your marriage. You need to encourage him to get help with his addictions. The most powerful thing that you can be doing is pray for your husband. Jesus Christ is the one who can change someone like that who is full of addictions. Have a look at the story of Brian Welch, the lead guitarist for Korn http://powertochange.com/iamsecond/brian-welch-for-a-better-life/. He also was caught in addictions and Jesus saved him from all of that so he could care for his daughter. Jesus can do the same kind of transformation in your husband’s life. One of our online mentors will join you in praying for your husband. You can find the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/need-prayer.
Let me pray for you: Lord God tna is in a very bad relationship right now. Her husband is trapped by so many different addictions and tna needs Your help to see him set free and for her to know how to help him. Please give her the strength she will need to help point her husband towards healthy choices. Bring people into her life who will join her in praying for her husband and be a support to her. Amen.
I have only been married a few months i love my husdand
But i feel he only wants sex he texs me he loves me but he don’t
Show it i ask for more cuddle time showing me he truly
Loves me but i sit here and hes over there im lost
hi we married for 7months and we did not have sex .he use to watch porn movies so he is in that world .and he is a addiction to drugs and alcohol .he looks at girl who is out and imagine them .he has not done physical sex with others but he has done everything other than that with others . as u said he lives in fantasy world with others than me .i dont know what to do . is there anything i can do
Helen,
I’m sorry to hear about the troubles in your marriage. There are many reasons your husband may not be interested in sex. One of the main points you’ve mentioned is that you’re both really open about porn. Porn is often seen as entirely harmless but it rewires a person’s brain to be aroused by images rather than by his or her spouse. This piece on porn replacing sex might be helpful in giving you a greater understanding of your husband’s low drive. From what you’ve said, it sounds like your husband has been looking at a lot of images of other women and this article talks about how and why porn could be affecting your marriage.
If your husband is thinking about going outside of your marriage for sex, you need to make decisions about your marriage that are healthy for you. Have you thought about seeing a counselor with your husband? He’s told you he was bullied in school and a counselor could help with through any unresolved issues in your marriage. Do you have a trusted friend who can walk through this hard time with you? If you’re struggling with your emotions, you could start by talking to an online mentor. Our mentors will talk with you over email and you can sign up here. You said you need to stop beating yourself up and get help. Getting help is a really great step. I encourage you to take that step and I hope you’re able to feel better about who you are as a woman.
Hi, I recently got married to my husband earlier this year and our sex life has completely crashed. we started dating in 2007 by the Internet, after a few months we met and decided we would get together and start a relationship. Around 3 months into the relationship he started being really distant, we were having no sex at all which concerned me as it was such early stages into the relationship. A few weeks later I found lots of messages on his computer. He had been chatting on line (with a webcam) to a few women extremely dirty and being very ‘Dom’ like. I couldn’t understand why he was doing this as I had been very open and told him I was willing to try anything with him. I then found a message where he was arranging to meet a prostitute and asking what he could do to her and how much.
When I confronted him he said he had always been severely bullied at school and that he was doing it purely to feel power and feel in control. I decided after a few weeks that I could help him get over this and we got back together, a few years later we got married….but unfortunately the sex has never increased substantially.
I have asked him what kind of porn he likes as I am open with what I like. I always try to get him ti try new things and he isn’t interested.
Because of my insecurity of feeling like I have done something wrong I have been comfort eating and gained 2 dress sizes. I have realised that I cannot feel like this anymore and need to stop beating myself up over it and get help! Please help as I love him dearly but I am scared that I will end up wanting to leave him as I would not cheat on him but I have needs.
Yours Sincerely,
A woman in need!
Ann,
As I read your comment my heart broke. I’m so sorry to hear your marriage has been horrible. It must be so hard for you to have lived with your husband for decades while feeling unloved. Have you and your husband sought counseling? Even if he won’t go with you, it sounds like it could be helpful to walk through the issues with which you struggle with the help of a professional. I hope you have a trusted friend who could help you walk through any decisions that need to be made for the health of your marriage. If you’d like to start by talking to someone online, you can sign up to talk to a mentor over email. Also, I’m not sure if you come from a faith background at all but I would like to pray for you.
Lord God, I pray for Ann as she struggles in her marriage. I pray that you would give her comfort and strength as she deals with the lack of intimacy there. I pray that you would guide her through the hurt she’s feeling and that you would brings friends into her life to support her. May you move in her life and the life of her husband. Amen.
My husband and I have been married 40 plus horrible years. My husband and I hadn’t had sex, intimacy for the last 30 years. He just refuses to do any thing with me. He’s turned into a very lonely man, I have friends who don’t even know I’m married. He just wants me to leave him alone and don’t bother him. He now lives down stairs so he doesn’t have to be near me. Were basicly apartment dwellers. He doesn’t connect with any body in the outside world, he does have a TV but I don’t think he uses it very much. I have the only phone and computer in the house. I’ve been so neglected and unwanted for years. I would bet we hadn’t had sex more than 2 dozen times. Don’t ever get your life messed up like this. I haven’t any kids to run to. We do have good pension and medical coverage
I have come across this post and am in a similar situation I have been married for ten years we have four children, my husband never wants to make love, we don’t connect sexually at all. We have problem made love about a dozen times in the past give years, all completely initiated by me, I know it can be busy but not THAT busy! Plus when I do try to pleasure him in other ways he is not intersted, I feel so empty and unfulfilled. I am not ugly I have Persued by other men and am definitely tempted….but I don’t want to ruin my marriage or family because of lust…. But I don’t want to live the rest of my life with this emptiness :( what do I do? We have talked and talked about it, He doesnt watch pornography, o knpw because we use to watch it together now he cant be bothered? He says he loves me soo much and cries at the thought of me leaving him, he can’t imagine his life without us in it, he’s just not interested in sex, I waited for two years for him to see a doctor which he still hasn’t as he is too embarrassed. I’ve even brought over the counter drugs to help him but he didn’t even end up taking them. I thank God I have found this post- I don’t know what to do, I can’t talk to anyone about it as it is extremely embarrassing for him AND me, so what should I do, I really don’t want to leave my husband because of sex… Or lack thereof, we have a great marriage despite that…. But the rejection is killing me inside everyday, please help us.
SK, as with all problems with marriage, the best way to deal with the issue openly and honestly. You and your husband need to talk through this together in a way that promotes the idea of a partnership. You want to avoid letting it become something that divides the two of you where you are in an emotional ‘tug-of-war’ each trying to get your own way. Instead, recognize that you are in this together and you want to find the solution that will draw you closer together in love and unity.
A few things you want to keep in mind: 1) don’t spring this on your husband while you are in bed together. Let him know that you would like to talk about the way that you express your love for one another in sex. Set a time that will give him a chance to prepare his thoughts and will allow you some undisturbed time together; 2) be clear about how you feel without attacking your husband. A great way to accomplish that is ask for his help in changing the way that you feel; 3) don’t expect everything to be resolved in the first conversation. This may take a while to establish a clear understanding of how you and your husband’s feelings and thoughts. Be patient and persistent as you work together toward a healthy marriage.
I also would like to say that I have found that when a couple looks to Jesus Christ for help in solving conflict in marriage the results are always better than they imagined. I would encourage you to have look at the story of a couple whose marriage had really blown apart and how Jesus made a difference for them so that they could heal that which was broken. Their video story is at http://powertochange.com/iamsecond/i-do-again.
Let me pray for you: Lord God, I pray for SK and her husband. Their marriage needs help and I know that You can be that help. I ask that You would guard them from becoming antagonistic towards each other and instead unify their hearts and their resolve to finding a solution for this issue together. I ask that this would begin a life-long dependence on You and Your help in being the unifying force in their marriage. In Jesus’ name, amen.
I am really distressed and while searching in google, found this website. I have been married 4 years and it was an arranged marriage. My husband & I lived in different countries before marriage, hence when the marriage was fixed, I didn’t have a nice courtship period or nice feelings for him. My husband was totally in love with me, but I didn’t share the same feelings, as I hadn’t known him enough. During our first night of marriage, I was reluctant to do sex with him and he obliged. In our further attempts, because of my fear and lack of love, we couldn’t do it. It got prolonged and later, my husband lost interest in sex. He loves me a lot but doesn’t initiate it.When I try to initiate now, he doesn’t want it. I am so guilty and feeling bad that I don’t know what should I do? Please advise. Thanks
JV:
I went through something very similar with a guy I was with for a very long time. We had been together for 10 years and for the last 3 of those, we very rarely had sex. I had gained some weight but was in the process of working out and had lost 40 of the 60 pounds that I had gained. I had compliments from numerous guys. I’ve always had an issue with porn because of another guy I was with. I told him this long ago and he said that with me he didn’t need it. I was also very naive. I came home to find porn on his computer that he had not closed out of before he left. I called him and confronted him at work, which probably wasn’t a good idea, but I was pissed. We didn’t talk for weeks and when we finally did, he told me that I just need to get over it. The reason it bothered me was because I knew that he wouldn’t have sex with me but he could watch other women and get himself off. I very much understand what you are going through. But let me tell you, it didn’t get better. It only got worse. I know you’re married but I really believe that married or not, NO RELATIONSHIP is worth staying in if you’re not happy. If you’re feeling neglected and well, like he’s being unfaithful, then it’s not worth your time. Maybe he hasn’t physically cheated on you, but emotional infidelity is as bad as anything else. That’s what I realized with my ex. It got to the point where he was begging me to watch porn with him and if I didn’t then he would threaten to cheat on me. And then I found out that he was texting random girls from work and they were saying some really raunchy stuff to one another. Long story short, and moral of the story is, please don’t continue to be unhappy. The fact that he would turn it around on you and say that it was a setup is incredibly messed up. That’s just his way of getting away with it. And he knows that. I left my ex and am now so amazingly happy with someone that does respect my wishes and that does enjoy being with me intimately. I also believe that your gut feeling is right 98% of the time. If you feel like something is going on, you’re probably right. There are plenty of men out there that would love to see you get all sexy for them and wouldn’t turn you down for porn or pictures of a younger girl. Trust me.
Thank you for your prayers. I appreciate your response. We are going to look into counseling.
Good morning JV,
I wish I could pour you a good hot cup of coffee while we talked about this. Coffee always helps. You are very newly married. It might be tempting to wonder what if you hadn’t gotten married but I would strongly encourage you to not think that way. You are married. Focus on what it’s going to take to stay married, to become happily married and hopefully this will be a bump in your story and not the main chapter of it. I think that every couple has a moment in that first year when they wonder if they made a mistake. Getting married a huge decision and it’s not surprising that our brains try to play around with the idea afterward. But chances are good that you were thinking well when you decided to get married. You saw things in this man that made you want to promise forever, and he saw things in you. You have a great foundation, the task now is to build on it.
Is what he did okay? No, I don’t think it is. But that does not mean that it can’t be fixed. It appears that the challenge right now is that you think he did something wrong and he thinks he did something normal. Maybe this was something he did before he got married and he had not realized that it could not continue afterward? I think he is wrong about that, as you can see his behaviour is hurting you and part of the work of marriage – a big part of it – is learning how to live together without harming each other, how to modify our behavior so we create a healthy environment for both members.
If you spoke to him about it and he does not share your opinion I would suggest two things. Number 1, talk to him about it again. It’s harder to dismiss if he sees that days later you are still bothered by this. And number 2 ask him to see a counsellor with you. Millions of marriages in all sorts of different stages of life have benefitted from counselling. You are newly married which means that you are still figuring things out. Getting a little extra help with conflict resolution at this stage in your marriage can pay huge dividends in the years ahead. His argument that “you had warning” doesn’t hold any weight. He is refusing to accept responsibility for his actions. A counsellor can help him to see things from your perspective, not just his own.
For yourself, I think you need to be willing to forgive him if he is willing to admit that what he did was inappropriate and it hurt you. Broken trust can be repaired if both parties are willing. I know that you are hurt and I think you have every right to be, just be sure that you don’t let your hurt deafen you to his apologies if he does try to apologize. I know that the idea of counselling can be scary but it shouldn’t be. Counselling is a healthy and positive thing. Were you married in a church? If so, the person who performed the ceremony would be an excellent place to begin your search for a counsellor. If not, many church do offer counselling to couples you should be able to find the info online.
JV, I was so sad to read your comment. I don’t know what to say yet, I need to think about it, but I will answer tomorrow and for right now, I am praying for you and for your husband. I know that this is really hard but I do believe that their is hope for you and hope for your marriage.