Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!
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So often I hear about how much men need sex, but my husband has no interest in sex. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my husband want me?
Donalyn: Well first of all, there is nothing wrong with you! The first response of most women in your situation is to second-guess or blame themselves. While your husband’s lack of desire is certainly a problem, it is most likely not a problem with you. In fact, most sexual problems aren’t sexual at all.
Dave: That is right Donalyn. We sometimes have the idea that for men, the sexual experience is detached from what is going on inside. In reality, a man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desire. If he feels emotionally distant from his wife, and especially if he feels like a failure in any way, it can lead to a lack of confidence and therefore a lack of interest in sex. For a man, sexual performance is very much tied to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself it will definitely show up in his approach to sexual intimacy with his wife.
Donalyn: As women, we know that our sexual appetite is diminished when we do not feel connected to our husbands, or if there is unresolved anger between us. But we forget that our husband’s sex drive can also suffer for these same reasons. Likewise, if a man is overworked or under a lot of stress, whether inside or outside the home, sexual interest may start to take a back seat.
What does God have to do with love?
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.
Dave: Of course, there are all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here too. If your husband has had any struggles with erectile dysfunction, that is likely a huge contributing factor. If he is feeling any lack of confidence in his ability to perform, he will almost certainly shy away from physical intimacy. Libido is also significantly impacted by testosterone levels, so if your husband has low testosterone, that could be the cause. Drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, may hinder the sexual desire. The good news is that many of the physical factors are very treatable, so it may be time for your husband to have a doctor’s appointment to get some help with this.
Donalyn: Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which are not so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person’s involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities. That is becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the Internet.
Dave: It is true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it’s a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.
Donalyn: So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he is just getting those needs met elsewhere.
Dave: Exactly. And it is not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a variety of fantasy sources, combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping women out and fantasizing about them later. Others give into their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be “neuter” for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there does not seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.
Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.
Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.
Donalyn: I would ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest. Ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Maybe he knows exactly what the problem is, or perhaps you will have to work through it together to discover what lies at the root. The best thing you can do is approach it as a team. He cannot be made to feel like this is all his problem to solve on his own. He needs to know that you are on the same side. So share with him your needs and your desires – how you would like things to be. Then work together to get there.
Dave: That is right. Support him throughout the process as he works through his fears and insecurity. Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.
Donalyn: Right. But that is tough to do if you discover that pornography or other illegitimate behaviors are part of the picture.
Dave: Yes, that is very true. But if you do suspect that this is a factor, you are going to ask him the tough questions about where he is having his sexual needs met. And as hard as it will be, if your husband has the courage to open up with you and share his struggles in this area, he will need your support. These issues can be worked through and overcome, but not without a great deal of patience and understanding.
Donalyn: It is also important to find out if there is anything that you have been doing to contribute to the problem. Not that it ever excuses wrong behavior on his part, but you need to know if you have said or done anything to turn him away from you. It may be that you have a critical spirit, that you have been controlling him or cutting him down, or that you are making him feel less of a man. If so, these are behaviors that you can take responsibility for and begin to change, in order to improve the situation between you.
Dave: Absolutely. If a man is feeling constantly criticized or dominated, it creates big damage to his self-worth, and that filters down to his sexual interest. So find out what issues may be coming between you and take positive steps to resolve them. You might even read some marriage and sexuality resources to help you through this process. Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman and Staying Close, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey are good places to start.
Donalyn: Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.
Dave: Keep in mind 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”
While I would not necessarily recommend preaching at your husband, every couple needs to remember that depriving or denying each other increases the temptation to have sexual needs met elsewhere. Again, it never legitimizes it. But a wise person will work to keep their spouse satisfied within the marriage.
Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Does your sex life need help? Find out why men can have a low sex drive.
Learn more about intimacy anorexia
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Hi, I have been with the same person for the last 24 years. The 3 or 4 years I have watched as my marriage slowly fell apart. And I have tried and tried to make it work, but it has not. it has been 18 months since we have done anything intimately. He makes up excuses every time I bring it up. He doesn’t help with the kids, the house or anything. But he is quick to point out my faults. Also I read about men watching porn on the computer, yes it is true they do. But mine has gone so good at hiding it that he deletes it from the history. And I just am at my breaking point. I have never cheated and have no plans on it. But I often wonder why is it so much more lonely when someone is 3 feet from you than if you were just completely alone.
The reason why you aren’t getting any sex is because your man has already been satisfied. Men watch PORN and masturbate, you’d have to be crazy if you think your man doesn’t. When a man masturbates he becomes less interested in sex. He turns to porn because women (you) are too much work (not really its just their excuse). Men know it takes a few minutes to get women in the mood. Why bother with that when he can easily look at porn (did i mention, free porn?) online. Men are slowly starting to know longer need their mates for sexually gratification. They might want it once or twice a week, but most women who have been in a relationship with a man longer than 2 years find they are the ones initiating. Why? Because we dont masturbate as much, yes I’m a female and I have been married for 6 years. He wants it less than I do and I know its because of porn (I have checked his web history). Men want variety, and unfortunately, no matter how much you improve on your looks, lose weight, dress sexy etc he will eventually go back to the easy method of online porn, because its EASY! Women get bored of porn eventually, and they like the REAL THING so they wait, and get turned down. This also makes me wonder, if more women are now cheating more than men are.
Gals–I hear you loud and clear! I have the same problems in a 29 year marriage. But it didnt’ start out that way so I’m utterly confused and hurt as to how it has ended up. My husband and I met in our 20s and were sexually active before and after marriage all the way up until about 1999 when I was 39 and he was 38. Regular, no issues, nothing. Then BAM–there it went. There are some background reasons, he did have a mini-stroke in 1999 and began experiencing issues with ED. I never pointed it out, made fun of it, nothing–worked with him, it was ok if things didn’t work out, never whined, etc. But that was the turning point, I kept getting rejected, told no when I intiated, to the point that I became gun shy and quit initiating–I couldn’t take the constant rejection anymore. So I learned to take care of things myself and we became like roommates until 2008 when he had another stroke and it got even worse, because then, of course there was the internet. And not only were we still not having sex, but he was viewing porn on a regular basis on the internet. That made me feel even worse–he could look at them, but not me. It was such a hit to my self-esteem that I downward spiraled. I went into a severe depression, lost a large amount of weight, couldn’t sleep – so my dr put me on a sleeping pill and an anti-depressant. I ended up in a mental facility for 2 weeks as I had a nervous breakdown over the entire situation. I did get better, but still feel undesired and unloved. My husband does suffer from ED because of the strokes, but won’t take the meds they give him and he wont’ even try. That’s the worst part, he won’t even try–it’s like he doesn’t even care. And he definitely doesn’t care about me anymore when we are intimate (which is rare, once since March and I initiated, but there’s porn all over the computer daily). It’s all about him, I could be anyone in the room, not just his wife. He doesn’t even attempt any real sex with me, it’s all about what can be done to him so he has a good time, because after all, he’s the one who had the stroke and he’s the victim. He just is not the man I married or even the man I was married to a mere 16 years ago and I’m about at the end of my rope. Things are so bad intimacy wise that my own counselor recommended I leave or have an affair. I’ve told my husband that I have no intention of my sex life being over at the age of 51, but I don’t think he believes me. But I actually think about having an affair or leaving all the time. Nothing is stopping me from going, except me. No kids at home, I make more money than he does so I can support myself. Sometimes I wonder why I’m still here and if he would even notice if I wasn’t.
Hi Neglected, let me first say that it is a good thing to have problems like this during your engagement because it gives you an opportunity to develop patterns of healthy communication early in your relationship. It is one thing to be able to talk about happy things but quite a different thing to talk through difficult issues honestly. Don’t let this discourage you but talk with you fiancé about how you can best deal with conflict in a relationship. I don’t know if you are going through pre-marital counselling but I recommend that you do and share with your counsellor or pastor this issue and ask for help in how to talk through it effectively.
Secondly, I am convinced that sexual intimacy prior to marriage complicates your relationship and often negatively impacts the long-term health of your marriage. I know this is not a popular view but I have yet to hear any effective argument to the contrary. God has given us the gift of sex as a way of living out the reality of our commitment and love for each other. When a couple has sex prior to their marriage they rob themselves of the confidence in that commitment which sex represents. Betrothal is a higher level of commitment but it is not the total commitment that comes in the covenant of marriage.
So I recommend that abstaining from sex with your fiancé and focus your time of engagement in the preparation for marriage. Develop healthy patterns of communication and conflict resolution. Explore the pre-conceptions that each of you have of your marriage relationship. Invest in quality pre-marital counselling that can help develop some of those healthy patterns. Find mentors who will support and encourage you as your love grows for one another. You will have the rest of your life to enjoy the beauty of sex as the expression of your love and commitment to one another. There is no need to rush into that before it is time.
I’ve been engaged for 5 months now and my fiance does not want to have sex. He says he wants me but can’t and its not that he can’t get an erection because he does. I’m so frustrated, I sleep naked and he doesn’t even touch me. I don’t know if its me or what. He says he is stressed and I say I am too but I still want to. This is very frustrating and I’m starting to think bad thoughts if you know what I mean.
Hello Ron,
First and foremost: NO, your name has not been erased from the book of life because you had sex outside of marriage. If you have made a confession of faith accepting Jesus’ death on the cross as the only possible payment for your sin then you are a Christian, and nothing you do from that point forward can change that. God does not grade our behaviour and decide whether or not we’re allowed to come into Heaven based on that. If that were the case, Heaven would be an empty place. Remember Romans 3:23 “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.” If it were possible to be good enough we wouldn’t need Jesus. So that’s one thing you don’t need to spend another minute worrying about.
It sounds like your sex life has gotten pretty complicated. Don’t give up. I do believe that this is fixable. You have a lot of sexual history – both before and during your marriage – and I would imagine that much of that is having an impact on the sex you are not having with your wife. There’s a great article by Barbara Wilson that talks about how to free yourself from your sexual history. It was written primarily to women, but I think it might be a good place for you to start.
In all the things you’ve written in your comment the part that really stood out to me was, “I know it is because I do not have that thrill of variety of different women and it tears me up that I cannot have it with her.” Who told you that sex can only be good when it involves new partners? That’s not true. I’m not saying that you and your wife should have sex exactly the same way each and every time for the next 50 or so years. Variety in sex, as in all areas of life, is a healthy and necessary thing. But that variety not translate into different people, but rather varied experiences. I wonder if this belief that it has to be new to be good is at the root of why you are not finding satisfaction in your sex life?
Have you considered seeing a pastor or counsellor about this situation? You mention guilt in your comment. A pastor or counsellor could help you process that guilt. It may be that your feelings of guilt are making you think that all sex is negative and that’s contributing to you not wanting to sleep with you wife.
I think you also need to think about what your wife has been through. She has stuck by you through your use of porn, affairs and even affairs with prostitutes. And currently her loyalty is being repaid with six sexless months. You’re probably finding that she is pulling away from you in other areas of your marriage because she feels that you have pulled away from her sexually. Going back to your old life is not the answer. Fixing your marriage is going to take work, but it will be worth it. Talk to your wife. Tell her that you are willing to do whatever it takes to fix this because you love her and want to be with her. And then get some help, this is hard stuff to deal with alone.
Hi All, I am one of those husbands that does not want sex with my wife very often. As a matter of fact it has been 6 months now. I can also state that I am ashamed of it and cant seem to get through it. We have discussed it a lot and I can give a million reasons but I don’t think they are the cause. I do love her and we have been together 33 years. I do not understand why it is this way but maybe I can talk it through this venue. I was raised in a christian home yet became sexually active at 18, because I wanted to know what it was like. My first time was terrible, I felt miserable because I betrayed God and myself and did not love the girl. Instead of waiting for marriage I tried it with different girls, a married woman, went into porn etc. At this point I figured I have sinned so much that there was no hope for me anymore with God, so I continued the cycle. At 21 I met a girl I did love and we were engaged to get married. We did have premarital sex and my desires were higher than hers but she was hard on me and my sexual performance and eventually she called off the wedding 2 weeks before the ceremony. She apparently was with someone else at the time. I was crushed but thinking back on it I did not really love her but loved the sex. When I finally met my wife 1 year later we too became sexually active before marriage and it was great, but on our wedding night nothing happened. It was like the thrill of illicit sex was gone, this coming from hindsight. Our sex life was 1 or 2 times a week until it came to a halt completely. I on the other hand know it is my fault, I still looked at porn, other women in lust, i continue to flirt and have affairs. They could be women at work, prostitutes, etc., I finally came clean to my wife 10 years ago and continue to struggle through the porn and flirting with other women, but I do have my emphasis on Jesus and shared this with a close male friend of mine for accountability. I pray daily for my heart to stay pure and be closer to my wife. We have a wonderful relationship but it is intimacy/sexually lacking, I know it is because I do not have that thrill of variety of different women and it tears me up that I cannot have it with her. This is the part that is hard for me to deal with, is because of my guilt, Am I not chosen God, or a good enough believer?????. Has my name been erased from the book of life. At times it seems to be easier to just let it go and live the old life, but I also know that the quality of life sucks that way. Maybe I do not really love her as a husband but just like her a lot.
Message: Hi doc I m 29 years female n my partner 31 male we been together about 3 years . We are quit busy in work . I feels like I will have sex once a week. But my doesn’t want . We have sex in a month very hardly sometime twice a month and each n every time I had to initiate for that very hardly than its happened . It’s been long time no touching n nothing and I ask many times but he didn’t tell me anything in fact he doesn’t want to talk about this topic . Finally I started to research about why man doesn’t want sex . Then finally he told me that he didn’t get any satisfation . That’s why he don’t want sex. He told me in a passed 3 year he don’t remember that he was satisfied a single time I was socked . So my question is why he is not satisfied and what could I can do for that????
Lena my heart goes out to you and I am so sorry that You have been so disappointed in your marriage. Many of the comments made by our mentors(those that are shaded blue) would apply to you so I suggest that you take the time to read them over, especially the last one by Claire. She has some excellent suggestions.
The fact that you recognize that you went into the marriage trying to get out of a difficult situation is an important step. May I suggest that you yourself go for professional counseling? Having myself come out of a difficult family situation I know how important it has been to deal with my own issues before trying to deal with issues in my marriage. Ideally I would also suggest that you and your husband go for counseling together since there are obviously multiple issues at play here, and not just that he doesn’t want sex which is a major one to deal with.
Another issue could be that I married my husband to escape an abusive environment with my stepfather.
I love my husband dearly, but I also married him because it was my only way out of that situation. I was young and desperate. I needed love and security.
I guess I have love and security now to some extent, but now I wonder if we should have had marriage counseling prior to getting married. I try to be a good wife but I’m not sure whether my best is good enough.
As I stated before, my husband doesn’t seem to want children and this is a problem because I do. I grew up an only child and I never truly felt loved by my family. My mother loved me but her priorities were out of whack sometimes…she tended to put the needs/wants/feelings of other people above mine, especially when it came to men. My stepfather abused me for years and she did nothing about it.
I need to feel a sense of wholeness, of belonging. I still feel completely empty in my marriage.
I feel like the two main issues in my marriage are the lack of sex and the fact that my husband doesn’t want children. He won’t communicate with me on either issue. I drop subtle hints, but he simply blows me off. He is not the kind of person who can talk openly and honestly about certain things…he would rather pretend that things are fine.
I feel guilty for feeling this way, because he is a good guy otherwise. He isn’t mean or abusive. He provides for me and takes care of me. Some women would love to have a man like him. Believe me, I do love him very much. I appreciate all the things he has done. He rescued me from a terrible situation.
But it is painful living with somebody who only cares about sports and his job. I feel more like his friend or sister than his wife. I could walk around in nothing but high heels and there would be no response. It’s just like, “Sweetie, I’m trying to watch the game here”.
I can’t fix him or change him, but I am trying to control how I feel. I know that when we were dating, he didn’t find me all that physically attractive. He would make comments that were a bit insensitive. I was thinner then but still not pretty enough by most people’s standards. He liked having sex with me back then, though. Now it seems that he would rather do anything but that.
I believe there is a certain type of woman that he is physically attracted to. I’m the opposite of that. I can’t help but feel that if I looked a certain way, he would be all over me. When we were dating, he complained that his ex was boring and frigid and uptight about sex.
I told him he didn’t have to worry about that with me, because I love sex. Now I wonder if he was actually the one with the problem, instead of her.
I’m not religious and I would appreciate it if no one would respond with religious advice…thanks in advance. That isn’t quite what I’m seeking. I hope I didn’t offend anyone.
Anyway, I seem to be having a bit of a problem. My husband of 3 years isn’t really interested in sex. I’m in the same boat as the rest of you.
He is 42 and I’m 28. I’m not sure if it is because he is older or what, but he doesn’t seem to be interested in sex and I am frustrated.
I’m trying to be understanding about it, but I feel lonely and unwanted. His lack of sexual interest in me is hurting my self-confidence…I have low self-esteem to begin with.
He complains of being tired all the time or says his back hurts, but he still finds time to work out on a daily basis. He finds time to watch sports and he is more excited about baseball than having sex with me.
I know I’m overweight. I know I’m not skinny anymore. I wear a size 10. But I’m not repulsive either. I’m not gorgeous but I’m still very attractive in my own way. I have a very high sex drive. I wear makeup and fix my hair. I care about my appearance. I’m sweet, funny, kind, and intelligent.
I feel like he is either making excuses or there is some other issue I’m unaware of. Could there be somebody else in his life? Is it a medical problem? Does he not like sex anymore? Or is it me?
This is really affecting my self-confidence and my faith in my marriage. I don’t believe in being unfaithful, because infidelity violates my moral code…but lately I feel like I could be tempted into having an affair because my physical needs aren’t being met. But I love my husband with all my heart. I find him attractive. I want him to desire me, too.
We don’t have children because he doesn’t want to. I feel like we are really good friends, which is wonderful, but I want more. I want passion and lovemaking and the thrill of being desired. Our marriage is just “safe”…it is boring, bland, and predictable. We’re about to go on vacation soon but I doubt sparks will fly then.
He is affectionate but not sexual at all. I’m lucky if we do it once a month. I’m the one who always tries to initiate sex. He only seems to want sex when I’m tired or ill or depressed to the point of crying.
I feel so undesirable now. My last relationship ended badly and now I am married to a man who loves me but lacks interest in me sexually. I feel like it is somehow my fault. I feel like I’m not pretty enough. Maybe if I were prettier, he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off me.
I want him to look at me. I want him to notice me. I want him to shower me with attention and sincere compliments. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been feeling like I need to lose weight so I can be a size 6 again, change my appearance, and wear more provocative clothes just to get his attention. I feel like flirting with other men in front of him just to make him jealous…at least I could get his attention that way.
I’ve wondered if he is seeing somebody else but I’m not sure. I completely relate to where both Maya and AJ are coming from. And Whitnie, too…I feel your pain. The lack of sexual attention/desire on his part drives me nuts. I’m still young and I want to be flirty with my husband. I tried to initiate sex once and he patronizingly told me I was “cute”. Really? There’s nothing cute about that. It’s pathetic. It makes me feel like he would rather do anything but be intimate with me.
We’ve only had good sex a few times, but he is mostly focused on his own pleasure, if you know what I mean. He expects me to have sex when he wants to, but he never wants to do it when I want to.
To “a man’s perspective”…I respect what you are saying, but you also need to understand why your girlfriend feels the way she does. People tend to make women feel that we aren’t pretty enough or sexy enough. Porn can definitely be a problem in some relationships. There will always be some other woman who is throwing herself at married men and that is a problem, too.
I know that in my experience, I feel a lot of pressure to look a certain way and to be a certain way. Most women want to keep their partners happy and if he doesn’t seem to be interested in sex, we assume it is our fault.
So it is fine to not be in the mood sometimes but you also need to communicate with her. Remind her that she is still sexy to you. Make her feel special. That is the least you can do. Bring her flowers, flirt with her, make her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. My husband is a good guy but he doesn’t do these things. It is OK if you don’t want sex sometimes but you need to communicate.
Dear Lonely in Cincinnati,
I am sorry to hear that you’ve had a rough start to your marriage. It’s never easy when our expectations go unmet. It sounds like you are really trying to help the situation improve which is a good thing. I think it shows that you think your marriage is worth fighting for and I agree. It sounds like your husband is also trying but something is making this really hard for him. Have you considered going to counselling together? I know that some people think that counselling is just for couples that are thinking about divorce, but that’s not true at all. Counselling is an excellent resource for couples who are working on their marriage and want to make it stronger.
There could be a whole host of things that are causing issues for your husband. It could be that he’s really stressed. He might be overwhelmed at the idea of having as much sex as you would like and so not having any is easier. Perhaps there’s a way to meet in the middle and go from there? A counsellor can give you some excellent, practical strategies to improve your sex life.
What happens in the bedroom is affected by what happens outside the bedroom. How is your husband in other areas of your life? Does he seem happy? Is he nervous about the baby? Are you financially comfortable? Is he happy in his work? Are his parents supportive? Does he have hobbies? Is he working really hard? It may help to work on the non-sexual parts of your relationship. Strengthening that might help in the bedroom as well. If he feels like the only time you guys talk is when you’re talking about wanting more sex it could make the whole idea of intimacy very stressful. Try working on being close to him with your clothes on and see if that helps. If he feels closer to you emotionally it might help him feel close physically as well.
Make sure that you affirm him as often as possible. Sex problems are hard on both partners. You are feeling alone and undesired and really miss the sex. He is probably not feeling great about it either. Remind him often that you love him, that you are glad that you are married, that you’re excited about the baby. Make sure he feels supported and not attacked. Tell him that the pregnancy is changing the way you feel about your body and you need him to tell you that you’re still attractive.
Most importantly, don’t move on. Don’t let your mind think about moving on. Don’t say the words “I wonder if I should stay.” Take divorce off the table entirely. If your mind wanders over to it, stop that thought. Every marriage has hard times and every marriage has moments when either partner could choose to walk away. Marriages last because people choose to be together and they do the work to grow together rather than growing apart. I read a great quote on marriage from a lady who has been married almost 30 years and it really spoke to me.
“Often we think [in marriage], we love each other, we live in the same house, that’s enough. NO IT’S NOT. You must very consciously, deliberately, daily make deposits into the life of that person that you love.” - Helen Burns
I would challenge you to follow her advice. See what you are doing every day to invest in your husband and see if that makes a difference.
@comments What happens in most relationships is in the beginning the physical attraction is very strong towards each other. It is so strong that it does not matter if a person is believes in Christ they don’t wait for sex as it happens. Part of it has to do with our culture which tells people it is ok to have sex before a person is married. Then marriage occurs and the daily mundane routine takes it tole on the relationship until their is no physical contact and often affairs happen as a result or a man gets addicted to porn.
Yes their are times when a man does not desire his wife and he can’t perform so to speak. Their are a number of reasons why this might be occurring first it might be a medical issue and then it is a good idea to see a doctor. Often though it might be because the husband has deeper issues that has not been dealt with and to deal with them internet porn happens and this type of behavior is unnataurl. The guilt sets for the temporary relief that occurs which has the effect of not wanting to have sex with his wife because fantasy often seems better than reality.
The solution to all of this is often overlooked and the solution to intimacy is to work on the spiritual relationship with Christ. When was the last time that you as a couple have prayed together and read the Bible? Yes in I Cor. 7: 3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s sexual needs. However if the relationship with Christ is not strong because in the beginning of the relationship it was based on sex and their was no spiritual foundation. Often when a couple builds the spiritual foundation then the attraction towards the spouse becomes stronger as the Holy Spirit becomes evident in their life. Many couples live defeated lives as a result of the sex issue however often it is has more to do then the spouse does not desire her. There very well maybe physical issue however when you work on becoming closer to Christ then it is not an embarrassment to visit a doctor. Then you can decide the best solution as their are many natural herbal that might help but consult your doctor. Pray for Christ to reveal to you through the Holy Spirit what the issue is and God will but it demands getting on your knees and crying to God for help. God Bless
I have been with some one for just over 5 years now off and on. I have a HIGH sex drive and he don’t. He now can barley stay hard for more than 5 minutes or less very frustrating he went to the doctors and we are hoping this will help. IDK? I had left him before over this . And know what Great sex is but not with him
Ive been married for a year. Im 24 and he’s 31. Ever since the night of our wedding I feel like our sex life declined significantly. It started before that though…when i finally had my own apartment. As soon as I could spend more time with him, his interest in me waned. Even our honeymoon was a struggle for me. I thought we would have sex three times a day and we maybe pulled off 4 times that week. It was so disappointing. We even drank and I bought several outfits. I couldn’t get through all of them because he would fall asleep so quickly. The entire year has been so hard (no pun intended). We have discussed, argued, fought through tears about this. I’ve expressed every thought in my head. Is it me? Is it you? What can I do? How can I help you? And after every conversation it seems things are better for a week then they just go back to how it was. Once a week maybe. I’ve tried cooking more, cleaning more, outfits, pretending like im ok. He used to grope me a lot more. I know im hyper sexual, this lack of sex is killing me. Now I’m 3 months pregnant and I feel so unattractive and I still get treated the same way. We get along in every other aspect of marriage and I want to spend te rest of my life with him. But is it worth it? Should I move on? I’m so scared of bringing a child into my life when my marriage is so questionable :(
To lonely feeling – you are right … as one who has been in your shoes for 20+ years, I KNOW what you are feeling. Outside of the sex issue, our marriage is also great. I have tried everything but have now given up. It is what it is for me. I just have to accept it or leave – there are no other options as he doesn’t see this as a problem to get help for. He’s a good “roommate” so I stay – for now. It’s emotional abuse – gross neglect – and mental cruelty. He doesn’t even have the decency to talk to me about the “why”. I think that is what hurts me the most – it’s like he doesn’t care what he is doing/has done to me. I’m setting myself up to leave … I just can’t see spending the NEXT 20 years like I have the past 20 years. Perhaps he will find what he is looking for one day, it’s obviously not me. I used to cry myself to sleep every night, now I just try not to think about … he built the wall and now I no longer care if it comes down. This is a cycle with him, good for a while (usually a year or so) bad for YEARS. And I do mean no sex for YEARS … but hey, that’s not a problem.
I look at all these emails and I too feel the same way. For a long time, me and my husband have had intinacy issues that we used to not have. When we first got together,all we did was have sex and it was great!! Now,4 years and 2 kids later, its like we don’t even know each other. SEX is a big issue to him and I wanna give him what he needs so badly, because he is so important to me, but all he sees is that I can’t make him “HARD” or get him in the mood. It breaks my heart: its like I lost the fire and passion I used to have for him. He cheated and I did too once to get back at him but we got over it, it doesn’t even get mentioned because we chose to stay and work things through. But I don’t know; maybe that all has something to do with it. Then he tells me about how other women feel about him and it just breaks my heart cause really??? AS your wife who loves u unconditionally what the heck???? I just need some help because frankly what I try to do doesnt even work. I find myself getting so frustrated I yell and curse at him cause I feel he sees it just one way and not looking at the big picture which is both our needs. I initiate the sex for the most part, I give him oral, I even gave him anal a few times. I even lost 30lbs since JAN. Nothing I seem to ever do works. What do I need to do better??
Hi Angela, Our editor cut out parts of your comment because they were deemed inappropriate for this site. We have a policy not to publish sexually explicit material. At the same time I recognize that you are truly frustrated with your sexual relationship with your husband and are looking for help. Let me invite you to talk with one of our online mentors. If you fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor your message will get to one of our mentors who has experience talking about relationship issues and through an email conversation they can help you explore some possible ways of getting past your anger and communicating your concerns with your husband to find some resolution.
Let me pray for you: Heavenly Father I pray for Angela and her husband. There is mistrust, hurt and anger in their relationship that is pulling them further and further apart. They need Your help to bring healing and true love and unity back into their lives. I pray that as Angela talks with one of our online mentors Your Spirit would give wisdom and direction towards understanding and healing. Amen.
Dear Brenda Miller:
My relationship w/my husband outside of our sexual relationship is great. We both care very much about each other, we cater to each other in everything else, we help each other out with what the other may need, we have fun, we like doing the same things together and enjoy spending time together, it’s as if we are best friends having a good time together. When it comes to sex it is only when he wants it which sometimes can take from 7 days – 2 weeks before he approaches me. I have tried in the past to initiate and he tells me to go to sleep or if I try to touch him he says it tickles him. You say I should accept him the way he is, in other words settle for him having sex with me once to three times a month, but by me accepting him the way he is, then that means I am the one having to change how I am, and therefore, he would not be accepting me as I am. This is why i tell him, meet me 1/2 way and I will meet you 1/2 way. To me it is not just about sex. He does not want to cuddle, he does not want to kiss me intimately, he rarely holds my hand, there is such a lack of desire of him wanting to be affectionate with me even outside of sex. I rarely get any kind of affection from him and it is the loneliest feeling ever. You are right our relationship outside of sex has to be good before we can have a good sexual relationship, well in my case, our relationship outside of sex is WONDERFUL that’s why this hurts even more because EVERYTHING ELSE IS GREAT. We don’t even argue about finances. He says that he loves me so much and that he is so attracted to me, but how can anyone say those things to you and not want to be intimate with you or even want to be touched by you. Brenda Miller, no one knows what this is like, until they experience it themselves. Believe me IT HURTS REALLY BAD and brings your self-esteem down so much that you start doubting yourself in everything you do.
Hi, Heather, A mans perspective, and lonely feeling,
I would like to ask how the other areas of your relationship are doing? Do you get along well outside of your sexual relationship? Kevin Leman wrote a wonderful book called, “Sex Begins in the Kitchen,” which talks about how, if a couple does not get along well in other areas of their relationship, these struggles are likely to carry over into their sexual relationship. I understand the sense of rejection that can come when one does not feel wanted sexually, and also, for A Man’s Perspective, how much pressure you much feel in having to perform, and that after each sexual encounter, the clock starts ticking until the next one. This is so very sad to me! A relationship – a good relationship – is about so much more than sex – it is about caring about the other person and how they are feeling and doing and enjoying one another’s company and doing things you enjoy together and serving one another in Christ, and being help-meets for each other. A good sexual relationship flows out of respect and tender loving care for one another in every other area of the relationship. If the rest of the relationship is faltering, the sexual aspect of the relationship will falter too, because one has to be so vulnerable in order to fully give oneself to another in a sexual union.
For each one who wrote in, I am sorry you are struggling so deeply, and I highly recommend “Sex Begins in the Kitchen” by Dr. Kevin Leman. If your spouses or partners are willing to seek counselling, I also believe it is so very important, and especially for you, lonely feeling, before you leave the relationship. You stated “if you would be at least 1/2 of what I want you to be” that you would be willing to meet your husband half way. This puts a tremendous amount of stress on your husband, and tells him that you do not accept him as he is now. The Lord tells us to “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God; Romans 15:7].” Sometimes we have to be the ones to start doing the accepting first, to be to our partners what THEY want US to be before we see change in them. Only then do we see change in the relationship. Marriage is a covenant relationship that is entered into for better or for worse, and it is well-worth working out if there are NOT serious abuse issues to be considered. I really pray that you can seek counselling and find a middle ground on which to begin coming together again, each one of you. If any of you would like to talk to a mentor confidentially, please fill out the form at the following link, and one of our online mentors will talk with you privately about your concerns, and walk with you through this difficult time in your journey:
http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
When I met my husband back in 2009, we met off the internet and it started out by question after question he would ask me of myself and my past relationships, and my sexual likes and dislikes. I honestly believe with all my heart, my husband has used the answers I told him, to be his desires for me, only for me to find out in bed, that his desires to satisfy me was Not His OWN! OMG, this really has made me feel different about him. Why couldnt he have been true to me with what HE LIKES instead of using my likes for his own! This guy has LIED to me several times and he has caused much damaged in our relationship. I tried to leave him, but to no avail. He would try his best and beg me back, and since my love is true and real to him, Of course I would take him back. I have told him about this issues of him lying to me and using my words as his own, and NOW WE HAVE THIS PROBLEM which seems like its MY PROBLEM all alone. NO its not my problem. You asked me what I like, I told you what I like, and You said YOU DO all the things I liked, but when we both hit the sheets and you didnt PERFORM even 25% of the things you said you DID You were CAUGHT in a LIE. WHY LIE? [remainder of comment removed by the editor]
Dear “A man’s perspective says”. I am just like “your wife” and I am sure that there are more like us. The reason your wife gets distant is because your lack of wanting to be intimate with her is a very painful feeling. I too get distant. You say why doesn’t she initiate something. Well she doesn’t because of the fear of rejection. Rejection from you would be hurtful and humiliating to her. She has become distant because that is the only way that she knows how to deal with having to stay away from you physically. I too do this. I don’t think it is fair that men (and vise versa) expect us to be happy and smiling all the time when they show no intimate/sexual desire for us. I mean come on think about it. It really brings you down when the one person you love doesn’t show desirable interest in you. Not having that intimacy with your spouse is a very hurtful feeling. It is just like a child not having the emotional and affectionate attention that, that child needs. It is a very lonely feeling. Especially when you are lying next to your spouse and you want so much to be held or to hold them but you know you can’t because it bother’s your spouse if you even touch them. I have not cheated on my husband, but so many times, I think about cheating. I know I would hate myself afterward though. I can tell you this much, every single day, all I think about is leaving him, in fact I have even started looking for a place of my own because I cannot take the lack of intimacy from him, and his lack of desire for me. Kisses are few and far between, if he gives me an intimate kiss twice a month that is alot, holding my hand, I can tell that even bothers him, and I can forget hugging/holding in bed or on the sofa. So “A man’s perspective says” don’t just thing about what you are going through because believe me when I say this, she is really going through an emotional roller coaster right now. Like I said, I am “your wife” I am going through the same thing, that I have now had to take anti-depressant medication, and can you believe I told my husband that I was going to start taking them and why I was going to take them, I told him that I had never felt so lonely in all my life, he just said that I was making more of this than what it was, but never tried to say well babe let’s work on this so you won’t have to take them. Because I get distant and sad, he blames me for all our problems in our relationship. I tell him, if you would be at least 1/2 of what I want you to be, I would meet you the other 1/2 way, but he refuses to listen. I cannot take his lack of desire for me anymore, and/or his rejections.
Came across this website when trying to figure out how to fix the problems i have been having with my girlfriend pretty much since we got together.
My girlfriend and i usually have sex once a week, sometimes it can go two weeks but that is about the max. This is not enough for her and she has stated it before, she said her past boyfriends used to want it every day or twice a day…i have never been that active and i never will be and explained this to her. She says she is ok with that…
It is fairly obvious she is not ok with it. From the moment we finish having sex i feel as if a timer has reset and the countdown to her being distant has started. Fake smiles, shaded eyes and “nothing is wrong, i am fine” are what i can expect in a few days.
Once we have sex again she is fine and dandy for a few days and then slowly slips back into being distant.
How am i supposed to be attracted to that? How is her obvious dissapointment supposed to turn me on and get me in the mood.
To be completely honest i have had some problems with erectile dysfuntion. This has happened with other women as well and i feel it is more of a mental thing than anything else. It does not happen every time and actually hasn’t happened in a long time but i am sure this has something to do with her lack of confidence and her distancing me when we dont have sex.
If i do try to have sex when i am not in the mood i am going to have problems keeping it up which is why once a week is right for me. Why should i have to force it and change what is normal for me. it wont work…does she not see this?
From reading the responses on here i can pretty much confirm what i thought was going through her head “what is wrong with this guy, why doesn’t he want sex all the time” “i must be ugly” “there must be someone else”
I am afraid she is going to end up cheating on me and destroying our relationship.
If she had some confidence and actually tried to start something instead of waiting for me to initiate it maybe we would have sex more often. As it is now i dont want to have sex because her obvious resentment of not having it every day is a huge turn off and makes it feel like a chore.
When we do have sex it is amazing for both of us and once a week i dont feel is too little so why cant she just be happy with that?
I have tried talking to her about this but she wont even admit that something is bothering her so how am i supposed to fix this?
When a woman denies her man sex they say “oh that is normal” but when a man isnt in the mood twice a day every day women say “he must be cheating” “it must be porn” “i must be ugly” “he isnt a real man” Well…i am not cheating, it isnt porn, she is far from ugly and i assure you i am a real man…a real man who does not lead his life from down there. I am not always in the mood.
I hope this has given all of you some insight as to what might be going through your husbands head.
Dissapointment breeds contempt. Next time he says no or that he isnt in the mood (which i have never done by the way, if i am not in the mood i have tried and half the time it has not worked.) try just going with it, say ok and really mean it, dont get upset about it. When you get upset about it he is that much less likely to want to do anything in the future. You could be making it feel like a chore to him. Instead of being dissapointed when it doesnt happen, try being exstatic when it does, stroke his ego and make him feel like a man and dont nag or pressure him if it goes a week or two. The more you do that, the less he will want to do anything.
If you have tried everything, try turning him down when he is in the mood some times. Humans want what they cant have. If you had chocolate covered strawberries available to you any time you wanted them would you want them all the time? I don’t think so.
Tell him no and see what happens.
As for me, i have no idea what i am going to do. I can’t have sex any more than we already are or it wont work and she will be even more upset and i cant keep on living with her acting like i never have sex with her. It is ruining the times we do have sex.
I am so glad I came across the site. I was starting to think that I was alone. I am 30 and have known my husband for 10 plus years but married for 4. I feel like I married the only guy who doesn’t want to have sex. We only have it when initiate and it’s always planned. I fell like he only does it because I want it. I asked him and he said no and that he wants it as much as I do, but I don’t buy it.
We have sex 2 times a month if i am lucky. To add to it, I need to find a way to let him know that he needs to work on a few things. I am very honest and I can be blunt so I just fear that if I talk to him, he will get mad and defensive.
He always tells me that marr
Hi CS, I am sorry that you have had to go through your marriage like that. It is such a hurtful thing to be rejected by your spouse. Although there are many people like you who go through that pain, marriage should not be like that. I heard someone say once that there are very few marriage problems. However, most marriages are plagued by personal problems that have devastating impact on marriages. It sounds to me like your husband is dealing with some personal problems and the collateral damage hits you.
Now the good news about that perspective is that it gives you the focus of trying to help your husband come to grips with his personal issues. That is what it means to love one another–you can help serve your spouse in the areas that they struggle in. That is one of the things that I am so impressed about in the teachings of Jesus. He emphasized that love sacrifices itself for others. One of Jesus’ followers wrote this about Jesus, “We know what real love is because Christ gave up his life for us. And so we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters.” (1John 3:16)
Now I know that no matter how much I try I fail horribly at following Jesus’ example and that is because I am by nature a selfish person. But the more that I look to Jesus for help and strength to live out true love I see Him changing who I am so that I reflect His character more and more. I can totally agree with what Paul wrote when he said, “For I can do everything through Jesus Christ who gives me the strength I need.” (Philippians 4:13)
So that is where I start–asking for Jesus to give me His love for other people so I can serve their needs. I don’t know what your experience with Jesus has been but let me invite you to talk with one of our online mentors who can help you discover for yourself how Jesus can make a difference in your marriage. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor and a mentor will respond with an email.
Hi to all the Christian women,
I just want to say that my problem is similar to AJ. I do not want to go into all the sexual details, because a woman should act accordingly to the bible in holiness. So, what I will say is that my husband is not interested in sex with me for a long time, and if he is, it would not last very long. My problem was that I told my husband everything about my sexual activities with other men in the past before I knew him and sometimes said no to sex. Overtime, he has found this extremely difficult to forget but he does forgive me.
He has had problems with anger, and I have not helped the situation when I do not submit to him and forget my emotions and stop nagging. The situation got so out of hand that he hit me physically and did other things. Now I am trying to rekindle the relationship, but as Christian women, we must leave everything in God’s hands, and pray. I found out that he masturbated to a video of a woman. Learn from me, because after that, I caused chaos when I got my unsaved family involved and everything went terribly wrong.
I think us women should read the bible and pray, if there are nay problems we must hold our feelings and leave it to God. We must respect our husbands in everything and dwell with them in love, the love of Christ.
Our actions through Godliness will show the man, that he can not find fault in us. God is in control overall.
I am 21 and he is 27 years old. We have been married 1 year. 7 years difference. This problem seems very common to me on the internet, at any given age.
I would like to say again, that a women’s actions through biblical standards, can help any situation.
Hope this helps. And do not read any ungodly advice on this webiste by ungodly women, read the bible, pray to God, and put aside all emotions which can make you sin.
God Bless
All the best to the women who want to please God,
Vic.
Reading things on here seems like I wrote them. I also feel like just a roomate. I have cried when pushed away to hear he hates to see me cry and walks away. I just can’t handle it anymore :(
I have been married for almost 11, lived together for 12, known each other for 20. My husband use to make love to me before marriage. Its like we got married and the sex and romance and intimacy disappeared. I long for the days I couldn’t walk past him without him reaching ut and kissing me. Years ago the sex started to become less frequent… I thought it was stress, work, etc. One day I remember embracing him and went to kiss him to try and rekindle and he yelled at me for groping him and I was only trying to kiss. He told me sex was not a priority. Well. Here we are a decade later. We last had sex 3 1/2 months ago and 4 months before that. Trust me… I have tried talking, not talking, dressing up, not dressing up, nagging, not nagging,… he bought me lingerie for christmas and I wore it for him and he pushed me away and said, “I don’t know why I bought that for you, doesn’t do a thing for me.”
It hurts. A lot.
He’s been to the dr and found thyroid problems in which he is on medication now and the level is proper. He is on testosterone. Still. Nothing. He told me he tried to initiate sex the other night (when I happened to be sick none-the-less) but all he did was grab my shoulder for about 3 seconds in bed… that’s initiating? I’ve tried initiating, creating romance, being spontaneous. He told me years ago I was “too horny” but he stole my passion and I feel like he truly stole a part of me and us.
I feel so much resentment towards him and I’m at a point of not loving him anymore. I don’t even hate him. Just resent and pity him.
He is 45 and I am 39.
I have been married for almost 11, lived together for 12, known each other for 20. My husband use to make love to me before marriage. Its like we got married and the sex and romance and intimacy disappeared. I long for the days I couldn’t walk past him without him reaching ut and kissing me. Years ago the sex started to become less frequent… I thought it was stress, work, etc. One day I remember embracing him and went to kiss him to try and rekindle and he yelled at me for groping him and I was only trying to kiss. He told me sex was not a priority. Well. Here we are a decade later. We last had sex 3 1/2 months ago and 4 months before that. Trust me… I have tried talking, not talking, dressing up, not dressing up, nagging, not nagging,… he bought me lingerie for christmas and I wore it for him and he pushed me away and said, “I don’t know why I bought that for you, doesn’t do a thing for me.”
It hurts. A lot.
He’s been to the dr and found thyroid problems in which he is on medication now and the level is proper. He is on testosterone. Still. Nothing. He told me he tried to initiate sex the other night (when I happened to be sick none-the-less) but all he did was grab my shoulder for about 3 seconds in bed… that’s initiating? I’ve tried initiating, creating romance, being spontaneous. He told me years ago I was “too horny” but he stole my passion and I feel like he truly stole a part of me and us.
I feel so much resentment towards him and I’m at a point of not loving him anymore. I don’t even hate him. Just resent and pity him.
Hi ej, have you thought back to what was happening when things were going well for you two? Often a counselor can be helpful for couples to work through what changed and negatively impacts your marriage. If you put yourself in his shoes, what would he say are the struggles that your marriage has right now? Have you ever talked with him about those? Has your communication with him been as a team working together against a common challenge or as opponents looking to defend yourself and place responsibility on the other?
My husband & I have been married 15 yrs and have children. I am in my late 30′s & he early 40′s. When I met him he had a reputation for being w/lots of women. Our sex life used to be frequent but not that great for me. It was all about him. A few yrs back our sex life slowed to 2x a month but when we were intimate it was amazing & he was doing things we had never done. I want it more & he doesn’t even care if we do it, unless he’s about to explode! Then it is so quick I don’t get any enjoyment & he will apologize & say “next time is for you, we need to do it more & that wouldn’t happen.” I try, initiate etc. he is the one that comes home & either falls asleep on the couch or is busy doing other things & seems to have no desire. I went thru the “is it me” “I am not attractive” all the insecurities & self blame. There is nothing wrong w/me! I am attractive, fun & this is his problem! When I try to talk to him he tells me he loves me & wants me & he’ll do better. Nothing ever changes! For some reason when we fight it turns him on, but I do not like fighting or chaos. It’s really making us grow apart & I feel distant and alone. I can’t believe so many women are dealing with this! I don’t know if he is cheating or what is going on but I have let him know how I feel & done everything I can. He will be sorry…I have tried to fix this. maybe once I find someone else he will want to be w/me.
Morgan,
I’m glad you stopped by too and shared about your relationship with your fiance.
I think that you probably see the writing on the wall as it were in what’s been happening in your relationship. It sounds like your relationship is definitely not what it once was, and he has recognized that so has postponed your wedding.
You need to ask yourself if you want to continue in this relationship or not. If he is bored with you now, what is going to change once you are married? I strongly suggest that you think about the feelings that you are having….most often when the man stops having sex there are a number of different reasons for them, most of which have very little to do with the woman.
Meanwhile, we have a team of online mentors that would be more than happy to walk alongside of you on this journey. Just fill out the form on this page http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and one of them will email you back.
Leigh, thanks for stopping by and sharing your story of healing and God’s forgiveness in your marriage. I admire you for taking a stand for your marriage and working on it even though it sounds like it has been very difficult at times. You are so right in saying that you both need to be walking close to God in order to experience full healing and for your part, prayer is so important. You can’t change your husband in your own power.
We have wonderful prayer mentors that would love to pray with you for your husband and your marriage. Just go to this page and fill it out and someone will email you back. http://powertochange.com/discover/need-prayer/ Don’t give up on your husband, but continue to pray for him and ask God to change him from the inside out.
And in the meantime, continue to be a blessing to him as it sounds you have been these past years. Speak blessing and not cursing and continue to encourage him to talk. Do fun things together…enjoy being together. http://powertochange.com/itv/family/communication-in-marriage1/ is a great video clip that reminds us why it is important to reconnect before we try to ‘talk’….I hope you enjoy it!
i have been engaged for a while and been with my fiance for over 3 years now and in the beginining of our relationship we would hav sex more than 2 times a day up until 4 months it decreased to 5 times a week when we got to a year now you see the pattern. now its i initiated all the time and i get shot down with him saying no all the time. is there something wrong with me? he has 4 days ago postponed our wedding date. i get “lucky if i can have sex 1 time a week but even if then its always the way he wants it and i dont get pleasured the way i want. its always when he wants it and i have to deal with that. i tried your steps and hes not coming around. i discovered porn on his phone and asked him about it and he said he was “bored”. we have changed and done everything with our sex life i feel like the relationship that i share with him is failing. i feel unsatisified, unfeminine, and duscusted with myself.
I have been married for 15 years. I had a lot of personal issues in the first few years of my marriage being insecure, emotional and punishing. Sex was always good but I felt I had to initiate it mostly. I didn’t feel that my husband desired me which fed into a lot of other insecurities I had. About 4 1/2 years into my marriage a co-worker began flirting with me and I really liked the attention. It culminated into an affair. My husband discovered my adultery and said it was over. I drew close, very close to God and in my relationship with Him, I really felt led to stand for my marriage. My husband never physically left the home but we were estranged and for years he was emotionally gone. He was hurting so badly and experienced a deep, lasting depression. God worked on me and showed me the error of my ways. Not just the adultery but the critical spirit, the anger, the grudges, all of it. I still stood for my marriage and in 2007, after years of charnge and him “warming up” to me, he stated he loved me, had always hoped that we would be reconciled and wanted our marriage to work. Sex resumed but for a short span of time. We haven’t been intimate since 2007. He doesn’t like counseling at all and has not maintained visits to a therapist. I have tried all of the things mentioned in this article-talking to him gently, without blame. Being vulnerable, letting him know how much I desire complete intimacy and healing. It does no good. He knows there is a problem but is afraid to deal with it. Despite giving him many opportunities and trying to talk, I feel that he still hasn’t forgiven me completely for my adultery. He and his family tend to repress things more and are uncomfortable expressing feelings. I don’t think he has really dealt head on with the pain of my adultery. I think he has tried to repress and avoid it and so it still lingers. Despite not having sex, I am completely faithful. I learned from my sin. I have also changed and so do not present the bitter spirit I once did all those years ago. But I have to confess, the pain sometimes is so hard to bear, especially as I don’t have a way to share it with anyone. It is hard not to feel insecure, unfeminine. And it is sometimes hard not to feel like I can never be free of a painful past. My husband is very affectionate and sweet but only in safe, platonic ways. He tells me and treats me as if he loves me but the sex has not resumed. I know he has experienced fears about performance issues since day one of our relationship but I don’t seem to be able to reassure him, despite the fact that I have been truly changed and for all these years. I have been praying for years and our marriage is not fully healed. He used to be very close to God but has been estranged from Him for years. I know that we both need to be walking close to God in order to experience that full healing but since I cannot make that happen in my husband, all I can do is pray.
Hi Jen,
You are going to have to take a risk and jump into the conversation. As I wrote to Dinu, the thing that is going to make the difference is talking this through. But you don’t want to come out with guns blazing, but instead work out how you can say it so that the two of you are on the same side addressing the challenge rather than being on opposite sides taking shots at each other. You want to make sure that you reassure him that you need his help in figuring this part of your relationship out. Help him to understand how the lack of sexual intimacy impacts you. He probably won’t get it right away but if you keep saying it in different ways eventually he will begin to feel what you feel.
I don’t know if you have ever talked to God about stuff like this but He wants to help you. He has a plan for how your marriage can help both of you flourish. Looking to Him for help and direction is going to transform how you live your life and how you love one another. Let me invite you to talk to one of our online mentors and talk through how God can help your marriage shine. Fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor and one of our mentors will connect with you by email.
Hi Dinu,
I know it can be really hard to have a conversation that doesn’t seem to go anywhere but I would really encourage you to keep working at it. Talking things through will in the end be the thing that will bring about the change. The key is not having the same conversation but coming at it from different directions and with different attitudes. So many times we fall into the trap of approaching the conversation as a fight. Instead, the better way is to approach the issue as a team looking at a challenge that needs to be overcome together. It moves us from being opponents looking for weakness in the other to team mates using the strengths of one another to accomplish something more than we could as two individuals. This takes some thought and intentionality. What are the strengths that your husband has for dealing with this issue? What do you bring that will help overcome this challenge in your relationship? One of the things that a counselor can assist you with is getting past the normal habits of your conversation and identify how your strengths complement one another.
I also have to say that in my marriage, our relationship with God has made a huge difference in finding healing for the ways we have hurt each other. Our team is made up of three instead of just two and our team mate God is an unlimited supply of wisdom, strength, imagination and commitment. His love transforms both of us so that we are better equipped to love each other. Have you ever experienced God help your marriage like that?
Hi Marie,
Can I ask you a few questions? You said you have been to a church counsellor and that you pray for your husband, are you both followers of Jesus? When you said that your husband always wanted sex when you were dating, did you have sex prior to being married? The reason I ask that is because for many people, their sexual problems in marriage are often a result of their pre-marital sexual activity, especially for those who grew up in a church. God created husbands and wives to enjoy the intimate sharing of themselves within the context of the marriage covenant. When we engage in sexual activity that goes outside those boundaries it degrades what God originally intended sex to be about and that impacts the way we view intimacy. Christians often have the added component of guilt because they had been told that sex was to be saved for marriage.
Do you think that fits your situation? I would recommend reading some of Barbara Wilson’s articles that talk about healing from sexual past (http://powertochange.com/blogposts/author/bwilson) and also getting a hold of books like “Kiss Me Again: Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage” (Barbara Wilson), “Sex and the Soul of a Woman: How God Restores the Beauty of Relationship from the Pain of Regret” (Paula Rinehart), “Undefiled: Redemption From Sexual Sin, Restoration For Broken Relationships” (Harry Schaumberg). You can also talk with one of our online mentors who can help you look at possible ways to make some changes in your marriage. If you fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor one of our mentors will connect with by email.
Hi Whitnie,
I can understand your frustration but I want to caution you; because there has been such a change in his response since coming home I would walk carefully through this. A significant change can be the result of many different things. I know you said his military tour was nothing life threatening but people can get impacted by lots of different experiences. I am sure that you have talked through with him the things he experienced but you may have to give him some time to figure out how he goes back to normal life after such a big change. I would recommend talking to a marriage counsellor, especially somebody who is familiar with military couples. Your husband may need some help processing his experiences away and talking that through with a professional can be very helpful.
You also want to make sure that you are building up him as you go through this together. Find ways of communicating your love, and respect for him are important things to focus your efforts. As Dave and Donalynn point out in the article if your husband is feeling criticized especially about his libido it is not going to help him ‘get in the mood’. I am not suggesting that you keep your frustration quiet but communicating it in a way that keeps you working on it together rather than becoming opponents each cutting down the other. Again, I would say it is significant that the change came from his time away from home. Something has happened that has impacted him. The lack of sexual appetite is a symptom and figuring out the underlying problem will be important to discover.
I am a 50 year old woman and my husband is 55. We do not have children but we have been married for 33 years. I am very concerned about the issue of lack of sex. I feel that with the house being empty of children we should be having all kinds od sex. However we have sex, maybe twice per year. My husband doesn’t even seem comfortable touching me. I touch him and he stiffens up and if he touches me by accident he says sorry. He does not say anything romantic to me and does not say he loves me anymore. Our conversations are friendly. We talk about politics, other family members, current affairs, the weather etc. The house hold is very peaceful as we do not argue. I do not know how to approach the subject with him because I would hate to disturb the peace. When we were young we used to have sex a lot and could hardly keep our hands off each other. We are now like brother and sister. He shows love to me in other ways like he is very defensive of me and will take good care of me if I am sick and anticipate my needs (other than sex). Help me please. How do I talk to him about this and how do I regain a normal marriage?
Hey girls, It is very sad what i am reading here. I never knew about it in Brazil. I am a brazilian beautiful sexy woman, i married a brazilian man for almost 20 years and we ALWAYS had nice time of intimacy. And now i am living with a canadian man, it is just 1 year and no sex. He just does not want any physical contact. No kisses, no hugs, no sex. Is it a canadian problem?? I am kind of lost in this subject. I think that the best thing is to look for a latine man, and you will NEVER see this kind of behavior. Latine men are sexy, romantic, and ALWAYS horny. Don´t loose your time with these cold men. You are just loosing your time. They are just humiliating you to feel their ego fed. Sorry, that is my point of view. And if you don´t believe me, just ask for all women in brazil, about men there. They NEVER leave a woman unsatisfied. Good luck to everybody.
Hi,
We have been married for 6 years, we have 3 children ,and the past 4 years I don’t see any interest for sex from my husbands side.He has High blood pressure and is taking medication for it.But he seems to be very interested in sex chatting with other women.After i got to know these I felt very unsecure about myself,and feared may be he’s having sex with any of them. I asked him about this, he said it’s just innocent fun. Then he promised me he’ll never do it again. But I feel he’s still doing it. When I talk dirty, He says it’s funny. I don’t understand. We have spoken about it many times but it’s not working. I really want him to want me again. what can I do
Hi,
I have been married to my husband for almost 4 years. He doesn’t show any sexual interest in me at all!! The first year of our marriage was rough but we got through it. For the last 3 years of it there has been very little sex. He wanted to have sex with me all the time when we were dating and then once we got married it just stopped. We have been to church counselors and I have shared my feelings about it many times with my husband but it never changes. Everytime we talk about it there is always some other reason as to why he doesn’t want to. We only have sex 2-3 times a month and that’s on a good month. I don’t know anyone personally who has this issue with there husband so any advice would be nice. He only ever pecks me when we kiss, will hardly cuddle me at night and doesn’t even like me to wear lingere, won’t let me lay on him or show him any kind of sexual attention because he says it makes him uncomfortable. I am now almost 24 and he will be 27 this year, it’s not normal!! Everyone I know that has this problem is with there wife not husband! I love my husband to pieces but this is getting really old and I have been so patient with him. I just want to have an actual relationship with him. I feel we are just roommates living together not husband and wife. I workout out and eat right and always try to keep myself looking good for him but nothing works. At this point I just want to give up but I love him so much and would do anything for him. I pray for him everyday and just wish I had an answer.
Thanks for your time,
Marie
I’m 23, and have been married for 6 months, my husband is military and just came back home, he wasn’t anywhere life threatening, but was still gone for a very long time. Ever since he has came home he will not touch me, he will not try and have sex with me, and he even if I’m just trying to have a passionate kiss he wants a peck. When we were dating it was sex 3 times a day, in every spot of The house, crazy positions everything, and now, its NOTHING. You would think that since he came home he would be ready to go and stuff, but he is not. He just plays xbox or wants to watch a shoot em up movie. I HAVE to have sex, and if I don’t, I start thinking of all the people I could have sex with, and this sounds horrible, but I almost regret getting married because I can’t even get [expletive removed] by my 24yr old husband, I love him so much I would never cheat on him but I WANT MALE ATTENTION SOOOOO BAD. I read the bible verse up there, and I really think I’m going to send it to him. this is getting ridiculous.
Maya is right in telling you that this is not a healthy relationship AJ. You are both young and you need to be able to not only talk through the issues but get some help.
I disagree with her comment however that ‘if the man is not interested in you intimately he is getting his “groove” on somewhere else.’ There are other issues that can be affecting him such as stress, high blood pressure, medical issues, or just fatigue. The most important thing is to communicate and not settle for leaving it the way it is…it won’t improve unless you work it through. And the only way to do that is to communicate, communicate, communicate. He needs to know how this is affecting you and that you value your relationship too much to settle for this.
Hello! I want to share with its history. One day after work I met a classmate who was in love with the entire female half of the school, including me. We chatted with him went to dinner. And so everything was gone. We met a year everything was just super, and then I noticed that he was looking not only for me! Began a quarrel, resentment, and life became a nightmare. A vid we were going to legalize our relationship. So half a year has passed, the more I did not able to tolerate, turned magician (personal information edited to protect you), after work we all curled up in a quiet channel. Now, for him, I only have one.
This is not a healthy relationship. I was in a 20 year relationship like you describe, AJ, but I was too young and naive and embarrassed to realize if the man is not interested in you intimately he is getting his “groove” on somewhere else. Maybe it is not with another woman or not for love elsewhere but a distorted issue in his focus. I recommend you see a therapist right away. You deserve the attention and feeling the closeness of a relationship.
Interestingly, I ended up in a recent relationship where “he ” has superficially touched me only 3 times in 6 months for no more than 5 minutes.
After a talk with him he went to therapy. There was a an “issue” there from long ago. Seems I attract the good ones who have issues in this arena.
Hang in there AJ but demand what you need in a nice way or don’t be afraid to back away from the relationship.
Hi Karina, how does your husband respond when you tell him how his unresponsiveness makes you feel?
Hi,
Im married for two years now.but i have hardly seen my husband showing interest in sex.i always try to love him ,care him,be with him in my all possible ways .but still never seen the enthusiam as every wife expects frm her husband.i tried to talk to him what is his problem but he denied but pointing at me that i dnt love him,i try to act as i love him.but i really damn love him.how should i let him know i love him & i need the same love from him.we both have an age difference of 7years in between im 25 & he is 32.is the age gap hindering between us? just help me our marriage is in danger.because of lack of connectivity between us i get so frustrated as im young & wants to have love & sex from my husband which i never ever get it.im tired of approaching him in the way of letters ,mails, sexy dresses,food, cuddling him all done but he always responds to them in negative way never im 2years i have seen him reacting positively ,may be for fractions of seconds but it vanishes soon. idnt know what is his problem is he having an affair? i know he dnt have any erectile or physical problems.plz help im tried of this life we both live together in the same house ,same bed but as unknown people.we just hv a bit of kisses & hugs very formally .apart from that nothing.is he angry with me or he dnt like me.please it would be great if you could help me in this.
many Thanks,
AJ
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