Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!
You might feel like you’re alone in this, but you’re not. Free email mentoring is available today. Request a mentor.
So often I hear about how much men need sex, but my husband has no interest in sex. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my husband want me?
Donalyn: Well first of all, there is nothing wrong with you! The first response of most women in your situation is to second-guess or blame themselves. While your husband’s lack of desire is certainly a problem, it is most likely not a problem with you. In fact, most sexual problems aren’t sexual at all.
Dave: That is right Donalyn. We sometimes have the idea that for men, the sexual experience is detached from what is going on inside. In reality, a man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desire. If he feels emotionally distant from his wife, and especially if he feels like a failure in any way, it can lead to a lack of confidence and therefore a lack of interest in sex. For a man, sexual performance is very much tied to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself it will definitely show up in his approach to sexual intimacy with his wife.
Donalyn: As women, we know that our sexual appetite is diminished when we do not feel connected to our husbands, or if there is unresolved anger between us. But we forget that our husband’s sex drive can also suffer for these same reasons. Likewise, if a man is overworked or under a lot of stress, whether inside or outside the home, sexual interest may start to take a back seat.
What does God have to do with love?
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.
Dave: Of course, there are all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here too. If your husband has had any struggles with erectile dysfunction, that is likely a huge contributing factor. If he is feeling any lack of confidence in his ability to perform, he will almost certainly shy away from physical intimacy. Libido is also significantly impacted by testosterone levels, so if your husband has low testosterone, that could be the cause. Drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, may hinder the sexual desire. The good news is that many of the physical factors are very treatable, so it may be time for your husband to have a doctor’s appointment to get some help with this.
Donalyn: Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which are not so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person’s involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities. That is becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the Internet.
Dave: It is true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it’s a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.
Donalyn: So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he is just getting those needs met elsewhere.
Dave: Exactly. And it is not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a variety of fantasy sources, combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping women out and fantasizing about them later. Others give into their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be “neuter” for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there does not seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.
Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.
Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.
Donalyn: I would ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest. Ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Maybe he knows exactly what the problem is, or perhaps you will have to work through it together to discover what lies at the root. The best thing you can do is approach it as a team. He cannot be made to feel like this is all his problem to solve on his own. He needs to know that you are on the same side. So share with him your needs and your desires – how you would like things to be. Then work together to get there.
Dave: That is right. Support him throughout the process as he works through his fears and insecurity. Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.
Donalyn: Right. But that is tough to do if you discover that pornography or other illegitimate behaviors are part of the picture.
Dave: Yes, that is very true. But if you do suspect that this is a factor, you are going to ask him the tough questions about where he is having his sexual needs met. And as hard as it will be, if your husband has the courage to open up with you and share his struggles in this area, he will need your support. These issues can be worked through and overcome, but not without a great deal of patience and understanding.
Donalyn: It is also important to find out if there is anything that you have been doing to contribute to the problem. Not that it ever excuses wrong behavior on his part, but you need to know if you have said or done anything to turn him away from you. It may be that you have a critical spirit, that you have been controlling him or cutting him down, or that you are making him feel less of a man. If so, these are behaviors that you can take responsibility for and begin to change, in order to improve the situation between you.
Dave: Absolutely. If a man is feeling constantly criticized or dominated, it creates big damage to his self-worth, and that filters down to his sexual interest. So find out what issues may be coming between you and take positive steps to resolve them. You might even read some marriage and sexuality resources to help you through this process. Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman and Staying Close, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey are good places to start.
Donalyn: Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.
Dave: Keep in mind 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”
While I would not necessarily recommend preaching at your husband, every couple needs to remember that depriving or denying each other increases the temptation to have sexual needs met elsewhere. Again, it never legitimizes it. But a wise person will work to keep their spouse satisfied within the marriage.
Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Does your sex life need help? Find out why men can have a low sex drive.
Learn more about intimacy anorexia
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
Ed,
We appreciate your honesty and feel for you.
But what I think you missed in most of our posts, is that WE are YOU and your WIFE is our husbands.
In other words, I have never-ever turned down my husband in almost 28 years of marriage – not one time and he admits so. But, he has turned his back on me and turned me down constantly starting around 1999. While all the time he is looking at porn on the internet and clearly interested in sex, but not with me.
But, I think I finally know why, but it doesn’t help much because it has shown that he is a total hypocrite and what is good for him isn’t good for me.
Apparently, I am expected to weigh the same as I did at 25 that I do at 52. Seriously, that’s what he said and what he expects. Now, I am not fat or obese, but I don’t weight what I did at 25. But newsflash – neither does he. When I married him, he was 6’5″ and a 34 inch waist. He is now a 42″ waist, bordering on a 44″. And that’s okay–I didn’t expect him to look like he was at 24 when he turned 50. He still turns me on and I still desire him. So the fact that he weighs about 70lbs more than when we married is NOT a problem for me, but the fact that I no longer have a 25 year old body is a problem for him.
Can we spell HYPOCRITE. Sure, I could lose some weight, but I’ll never look like I did at 25, it’s impossible – so here I am stuck. This actually just might be the excuse he is looking for so he doesn’t have to get to the real problem of why he won’t be intimate.
I have tried backing off and not applying pressure and all that got me was sex twice in 9 months. So backing off just gives him an excuse to continue to not come near me and then blame me because I didn’t approach him. When we are intimate, it’s all about him now and it’s like I’m just there to service him. Told him once that he made me feel like an unpaid prostitute. It NEVER used to be like that before and I don’t know what changed.
I’m hanging on for now simply because I love him and want it to work out. But I WILL NOT LIVE A SEXLESS MARRIAGE and have told him so. So if he keeps this up, then one day, when he least expects it, I will walk out the front door and not return and he will have no one to blame but himself.
Ok, let me chime in on this topic from a man’s perspective. I’m 50 and in very good physical condition for my age, and still have a strong sex drive. I wish I had a wife who enjoyed sex. The fact is, she doesn’t enjoy it much – about 1-2 times a month and she is in her mid 40′s. Sometimes sex is great, but frankly, it hasn’t been that enjoyable for me for at least the last 10 years. I used to initiate a lot, would tease her and be playful – and then she started grabbing my hands so I couldn’t touch her. Eventually she would grab my hands and tell me, “you have two hands, go use them”. It’s been a while since she said that to me, but it was very painful. While she doesn’t say this to me any more, I know she still sort of has this expectation. I’m a very affectionate, warm hearted man by nature. It’s gotten to the point where my wife loses all sexual desire about 1.5 weeks before her period, and then her period starts and lasts for 7-10 days – and any intimacy during that time is completely off limits. So more than half the month, she is totally checked out. But, as soon as her period is over, she miraculously gets horny again and wants to have sex, and I have to be Johnny on the spot with an HO or she gets irritated and wonders why I don’t want to be with her. Once she has her orgasm for the month, her desire essentially goes to zero. She may want it once or twice more, but after that, she’s totally checked out with her TV shows and iPhone games, and could mostly care less about my needs. When I want it, she will do it, but after she’s had her monthly 1-2 orgasms, she’s not into it. Most of the time she just lays there. I can touch her down stairs and even try to give her oral, but she doesn’t even enjoy it often and is infrequently aroused – and I don’t think it’s because I’m a bad lover or ineffective. When she’s not into it and I want it, then she makes little effort to make it mutually pleasurable. I couldn’t tell you the last time she ever put on something sexy. *sigh* She’s made it very difficult for me psychologically to want to be with her. It’s like making love to a stone most of the time. She’s such a cold woman. I’m sick of giving her what she wants when she demands it – when she could care less about my needs or making a serious effort in the romance/sex part of our marriage to make me happy too. I’ve mostly stopped being very affectionate with the hugs and kisses, because I’m tired of this being a one way street, and I’m sick of giving and being taken for granted. Sometimes it is just about the sex for me, because of the physical release. But it’s also about the intimacy, which I cherish and miss. It’s getting very difficult emotionally to be intimate with a woman who I just don’t feel connected to any more because of the rejection and coldness. It’s heart breaking and I’m frequently mad as hell over this. But she has rejected and denied me for over 10 years, and now I don’t want to have anything to do with her. I’ve talked with her about this in the past and told her how I felt, but nothing really changes. I would have left her a long time ago, but I take being a father very seriously. I love my kids so dearly that the thought of being apart from them would devastate me, so I suffer through it. She wonders now why I no longer come home and hug and kiss her like I used to. So ladies, take this to heart. There is most definitely a reason why your man will not be affectionate with you.
Hi Lisa,
I really appreciate your willingness to see what part you have played in this. It may be that things are not right in your husband’s heart right now but the only thing you have control over is how you react in the situation and so seeing that you spoke to quickly and harshly and trying to make that right is a good step for you.
Back in Sept, did your husband say why he is not happy? I know that it can be hard to hear those things but healing in relationships needs honest communication. What about you? Have you been honest with yourself and your husband about your level of satisfaction in marriage (prior to the most recent blow up)? Where do you see you marriage strong? What are the areas that are not strong?
Hello, my husband and I have been married for 8 years and we had been together for about 4 years before that. We have on
Back in early Sept 2012, I asked my husband if we were alright. He told me I don’t know. He then told me he’s not been happy for a long time. Which hurt! He works out of state and only comes home briefly. I’ve noticed that the sex has been losing the intimacy just seems physical. He’s grouchy with me constantly. I have been staying up too late on the computer just doing different things nothing bad though. A couple days later I’m paying the cell phone bill and notice that he’s got a tremendous amount of text messages and phone calls and video messages. I ask him who he’s been talking to so much, he tells me some guy. Plus, when he came home his phone had had a master reset done so all messages were gone, he put a phone lock on it. So instantly, I’m thinking he’s messing around. I asked him if he was and he said NO. He was acting very distant and secretive. But for some reason in the pit of my gut I knew something wasn’t right. I wanted answers so I talked to a few friends that told me it sounds like he’s cheating and lieing about it. So I reacted harshly, by a lot of hateful words and cussing him. And telling him we were getting a divorce and selling everything. Now, he’s very distant and telling me to give him time to heal. He says he’s forgiven me on everything I said, but he’s still secretive, sleeping in another bedroom when he’s home. I am not sure if he really has started seeing someone else or not even though he said he’s not. At this point I don’t know whats going on. When I try to talk to him he says I’m just driving a bigger wedge between us. I think he wants a divorce, and even though I said I was going to file, I didn’t mean it. My mouth has gotten me into so much dispare, I’m at a loss. I don’t want to lose my husband and I don’t know what to do… Please help.
Hi Eli, it sounds to me like you two need to have a more in-depth conversation because you have some different expectations about your life together. Often it is the uncommunicated expectations that cause the biggest problems in a relationship. God tells us that it is important to speak the truth in love to each other. That means being honest about the disappointments we have but doing it in a way that builds up the other person, not in a critical, hurtful way. I think it would be wise for you to talk with your fiancé and ask questions about his expectations and attitudes around sex. You can also share with him why sex is important to you and what you think constitutes a healthy sex life. Don’t do that in a way that critiques him but rather just share what is important to you. If there are differences in what you are expecting then you can talk about how you can deal with those differences in a way that both of you feel valued and satisfied.
If you would like to talk with somebody to figure out best to have that kind of a conversation you could connect with one of our online mentors. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and one of our mentors will get in touch with you by email.
My fiance is not having sex with me and when I ask him he says that he’s too tired from work, is that an excuse?
Dear Marci,
Have you and your husband ever gone for marriage counseling? God made intimacy between ‘husband and wife’ to be a beautiful thing. Not something, that one despises. If he is not open to going to couples therapy, may I suggest that you seek out some counseling for yourself. Do not feel as if you are a failure. It takes two people to make a marriage work and be in harmony with one another. It is not right for you to be feeling so down about yourself. Just the fact that you mentioned that you do not care if you are old and ugly is not proper for you to be thinking. God sees you as a beautiful woman that He has created in His very own image. Although our bodies begin to age, our inward beauty is more important to God and others. Your husband may have some old issues that he needs to deal with in order to become the loving husband you desire him to be. Marriage counseling or speaking to a pastor at your church may be a blessing in restoring that, which should be; a loving, intimate, safe, and secure relationship between husband and wife.
Hi!
since my husband and I have been married, he has not wanted sex.
I can’t tell you how painful this has been for me. I feel ugly and confused. He blames me, but I don’t know what I am doing wrong. And I certainly don’t know how to fix it. We are going on 8 years, and it has been a problem for 8 years. I feel like a failure. I want out of my marriage; I don’t care if I’m old and ugly.
Andi,
I can imagine how hard this must be for you and how alone and isolated you may feel. Just know that you are never alone that Christ is with you and he is your comforter in times just like this.
Heavenly Father, I pray that you give Andi the strength to endure this troubled time and let her know in her heart its only for a season and this too shall pass. I pray that you have the Holy Spirit work in her husband and correct anything that might be not in your will. I pray that you show them both that marriage is your design and you want to bless it. I pray Lord you give Andi the right mindset and words to reach her husband and help her to be an encourager through this trial. Amen
Andi I want you to know that by you enduring you’re pleasing God, he see all and knows your heart. Just as Christ suffered for us so do you suffer for Him and his Glory by being faithful to the covenant of marriage. I would definitely recommend taking this to prayer if you haven’t already and I encourage you to let your husband know you are here for him no matter what and you want to get through this.
If you can’t get through to him I would consider talking to a church elder or counselor to see if they can help reach him.
Here is one of my favorite video series for marriage, you may find some answers there. Please let us know how you’re doing! God bless and stay strong in Christ.
Jer
My husband and I have been married for two and a half years, and for the past year the lack of affection and intimacy has been an issue. I’ve approached him multiple times, kindly, and he says he just doesn’t feel like it because he’s stressed and has constant back pain, but that he will try harder. It has not gotten any better. He doesn’t seem to understand how much of a problem this is. He’s rejected me so often that I won’t initiate it, and at this point I wouldn’t even know how to. I have no doubts about how much he loves me, and I know he hasn’t strayed in any way. Its been so ingrained in us women that men want it all the time and will never say no, that I’m left questioning what us wing with me, and what I’m doing wrong. But he says its not me, it’s him. Where do I go from here? I need the physical connection so badly. It’s been over 2months this time, and I’m feeling confused and hurt. Thank you for your time,
Andi
Wantlove,
Greetings, I want to first pray for you. Heavenly Father I ask that you protect your daughter and comfort her in her time of need. God asks us to cast all our fears and anxiety on Him. I first want to say that God hates divorce and I don’t think he ever wants that for any marriage. If we look at how God defines love: 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
I would try to have a sit down heart to heart with him, see if you can get him to reveal something to you. I know there are many men with problems with pornography addictions, and this can interfere with intimacy in relationships; do you think this might be a problem at all? I suggest checking out some of these helpful marriage videos, they’re the best I’ve seen: http://marshill.com/media/real-marriage
Keep us posted!
God Bless you both,
Jer
Hi everyone,
My husband and I have been married for almost 1 year… in the first 4 months, we had sex almost every day, sometimes multiple times per day. Then, when we moved to our new place, he told me he wanted to abstain for a while (4 months). I didn’t understand why, but we did. Then we started again… not as frequent, but we did. Now we’re back into having it once every month, sometimes once every 6 weeks. The thing is, he loves to receive oral, and give oral and considers this being “intimate”. I agree, this is a form of intimacy, but only doing this????? The other night, he got aroused, and instead of initiating sex, he chose to pleasure himself, and encouraged me to do the same to myself. I don’t understand how this pleases him!?! For me, there is no connection in doing this. Like many women on this site, our relationship otherwise is really good, which is why this is so hard. When I have brought it up, he gets defensive, angry, upset. He says this is how he is, and I have to accept it. His friend told me as well, that he was like this with previous relationships too… I can’t help but to feel like maybe one day we could get back to how it used to be, if I only try hard enough to fix this, but I can’t help but to think that I might be fighting a losing battle. The problem is, he doesn’t see this as a problem. It’s like he sees sex as his power and control, and he can choose to give it to me whenever HE wants to. Please help!! I’ve been praying a lot as well… I’ve asked God for signs, as to whether or not this relationship should continue or end. Everytime, I am shown that I should stay. I’m trying to have faith that things will improve… I just don’t know what to do, because I am young (27 yoa) and I know that I cannot live the rest of my life this way – feeling undesired, being rejected by my husband, unfulfilled sexually, etc.
I appreciate your commitment to your marriage vows Amy. That is an important key to working through issues like this. Now I don’t know you or your husband at all but it is my experience that men are not emotionally shallow, they just have not developed the skills to understand and communicate their emotions effectively. Part of the beauty of marriage is that by working together the weaknesses of one can be dealt with by the strength of the other. That’s why God created marriage in the first place. He said that it is not good for man to be alone and so He created a woman to come alongside and help.
Just as it was not good for the first man and woman to be alone, so it is not good for you to be alone in this marriage. God wants for the two of you to connect on a level that is only possible for a husband and wife. He is going to use your strengths and your husband’s strengths to make that a reality in your marriage. Now it is going to take some creativity on your part. As you noted, coming to your husband and asking him to be more emotionally vulnerable has not worked. That can often lead to defensiveness and anger. Instead you need to be a student of your husband; study him to discover what it is that makes him tick. Watch what the things that make him happy are and what are the things that get him surly. Create different environments to discover how he responds in different situations. Find ways to communicate that you love him so that he believes you. Build him up and honour him for who he is. As he finds you to be interested in his well-being and in who he is he will begin to feel safe in exploring himself and let you in to those places he doesn’t have the skills or the courage to face himself.
no the counselling did little to address the issue and believe me we’ve been to several different counsellors. One told my husband to have a few beers to loosen up, another said that no men deal with low interest in sex, and another said he had to work on it but offered no practical advice. My husband is generally emotionally shallow he avoids talking with me and generally being alone with me at all costs. I have quit engaging in dialogue with him and asking for sex – it’s not worth the pain it ends up causing me. I hate that society doesn’t address this in men as a whole.. It’s so isolating to be a woman in this position. And VERY lonely….what other option is there but to silently suffer though? I made a commitment for life and intend to keep it.
So Amy are you saying that your sessions in counselling did not help you or your husband identify why he is not interested in sex? Would you say you have a strong relationship other than your sexual intimacy?
I agree Gaya, it is beautiful: the One who created everything created humanity to be in relationship with Him. When I am in relationship with Him my life beautifully fulfills His plans and purposes. He not only transforms my relationship with Him but also my relationship with myself, my relationship with the created order in which I live and my reationships with other people.
What a beautiful Religion you have Jamie. You are not alone because you have God in your life. So you are happy and confident. I’m also happy and confident because of my right view of life. So it is good. Isn’t it? And i think you are doing a great job.
I didnt know this was Christian site when i first commented. Anyway it doesn’t matter is it!!;)
I wish all people have the confidence to overcome problems in their marriage and the courage to walk away if it is one sided and hopeless.
It pains me that other women are experiencing this. I have been married 11 years (not an arranged marriage and we didn’t sleep together before getting married). To the best of my knowledge our first year was great but since then my husband’s interest in sex has slowly decreased. We have our good times but often times it’s me just living with the fact that he wants sex less than once every two months. It’s been as long as a year at points. We’ve been to counselling and marriage courses. He states that he just doesn’t want to have sex with me. It’s really painful and has made me cry myself to sleep many nights. There is really nothing I can do until he addresses what it is and the whole point as to if he really even wants it. I sometimes feel that I made a mistake getting married.
Gaya that reminds me of the principle that Jesus taught. He said, “Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must become your slave. For even I, the Son of Man, came here not to be served but to serve others, and to give my life as a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:26-28) It’s the truth that the best way to love someone is to serve them. Jesus, as the Son of God, could have come to Earth as a mighty King and imposed His judgement on everyone once and for all dealing with our rebellion against Him. But instead He came as a servant to sacrifice Himself for us. One of HIs followers described it like this, “Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not demand and cling to his rights as God. He made himself nothing; he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form. And in human form he obediently humbled himself even further by dying a criminal’s death on a cross.” (Philippians 2:5-8)
When a person understands and believes that Jesus’ death on the cross was actually Jesus dying in their place so that they can be free from the penalty for their rebellion against God, Jesus then gives them His nature and they start reflecting His character. That’s why husbands are called to love their wives in the same self-sacrificing way that Jesus loves His followers. And wives are called to submit to the needs of her husband and serve just as Jesus serves us. It is not because of my own ability to love in that way but because Jesus is living in me and guiding all my thoughts, actions and attitudes. I know that I am not able to live that way perfectly but with Jesus in my life I can.
Dear Jamie,
Jesus is right if he has approved that it is our desires that get us into trouble because we try to attain things in the wrong way. It is little similar to Buddha’s teachings. But Buddha can’t help us align our desires well and pursue those according to his plan because Lord Buddha is not living today so he can’t help people who warship him. When we bow and worship, we express our gratitude to the Buddha for what his teachings have given us. Not because he’s The God. Christians, Jews and Muslims, Hindus worship god and expect something from him. But in Buddhism this is different. Our key is focusing on Buddha’s Teaching. Not on Buddha. The Buddha once said, ‘if anyone wishes to see me, he should look at my Teachings and practice them.’
No Jamie. Buddha has never preached that key to happiness in marriage life is to eliminate or sacrifice your own desire. It is only LOVE/ COMPASSION not Sacrifice. It is frequently misguided by nun Buddhists and therefore creates more confusion than clarify.
True compassion is not just an emotional response but a firm commitment. A truly compassionate attitude of wife towards her husband does not change even if he behaves negatively. A wife’s compassion is not based only on her own expectations, but rather on the needs of her husband (and vice versa…) but it doesn’t mean stopping /sacrificing wife’s desires… It is wife’s attitude toward her husband. For example when I have a pure motivation, then I have right attitude toward my husband based on compassion and respect. When I engage in fulfilling the needs of my husband, my own needs are fulfilled as a by-product.
In advising women about their role in married life, the Buddha counseled that a wife should:
• a) not harbor evil thoughts against her husband;
• b) not be cruel, harsh or domineering;
• c) not be spendthrift but should be economical and live within her means;
• d) guard and save her husband’s hard-earned earnings and property;
• e) always be attentive and chaste in mind and action;
• f) be faithful and harbor no thought of any adulterous acts;
• g) be refined in speech and polite in action;
• h) be kind, industrious and hardworking;
• i) be thoughtful and compassionate towards her husband, and her attitude should equate that of a mother’s love and concern for the protection of her only son;
• j) be modest and respectful;
• k) be cool, calm and understanding — serving not only as a wife but also as a friend and advisor when the need arises.
Furthermore, according to Buddhist teaching, the husband can expect the following qualities from his wife:
• — love
• — attentiveness
• — family obligations
• — faithfulness
• — child-care
• — thrift
• — the provision of meals
• — to calm him down when he is upset
• — sweetness in everything
(In return, the Buddha has also counseled the wife’s expectation from husband too)
Buddha taught that we’re attached to things (For example-SEX) because of what we think they can do for our desire and happiness. If we keep overestimating the pleasure and underestimating the pain they bring, we stay attached to them regardless of what.
This means learning to become more honest and sensitive to your actions and their consequences, at the same time allowing yourself to imagine and master alternative routes to greater happiness.
Buddhism is too vast and too profound to be neatly placed in any single category. Buddhism includes philosophy and religion and a way of life and goes far beyond.
The Buddha has set out a number of disciplinary codes for us to uphold according to our way of life. But they are not compulsory religious laws. We follow Buddha’s teaching voluntarily but not out of fear of him or not for worldly favors.
We follow them only to gain inspiration and right understanding. It is up to us to follow the advice through our own understanding and experience of what is good for us and for others.
The Buddha had never claimed that He was the son or a messenger of God. According to the Buddha, man himself is the maker of his own destiny. We have none to blame for our lot since we alone are responsible for our own lives. We make our own life for better or for worse.
I married my husband 10 years ago. He had just completed his internship and was working as a young doctor. He was honest and caring. We used to have sex every day. Some days 3 to 4 time a day. Then he started doing his MD part-I and I got pregnant. Things were changing gradually but we both didn’t notice it. Still we were having sex 2-3 times per week. But no sooner sex started than it was over. As soon as he ejaculated, he started to snore.Then I got pregnant again and my husband was preparing for his final MD. He was very busy working, studying and taking care of 3 of us.
It was about 3 years ago I realized that even though we were having a peaceful marriage, something was lacking in our marriage and that was intimacy. I missed the frequent touching, kissing and hugging and I started telling him how lonely I felt, how much I needed love. I wanted him to have more sex with me. And want him to love me and cuddle me. All the time I was trying to change him, his feelings. I was expecting him to change his behavior and his lifestyle. I thought by having a healthy conversation about my desires, he would be more intimate. But soon I realized that conversation was not enough nor was it practical.
My husband has all the traits I want– kindness, intelligence, ambition. And he’s a loving husband, devoted father, and excellent provider. If it is sexual intimacy that was lacking in my marriage I couldn’t expect it from him without doing my part to improve my relationship.
That was when I put some of Buddha’s Middle way teachings, (something I’ve always known) in to practice. The right view, right intention and right action.
Most importantly, “middle way” means “detached sex”, but being detached does not mean you don’t care about your husband or that you don’t love him. It is the opposite. When you have your desires under control, having sex is not an urgent necessity.
First I stopped comparing my sex life to the one i had early on in my marriage. Then I stop worrying about not having enough sex. And I realized that lack of sex doesn’t mean my husband was cheating on me or anything else was wrong in my marriage.
But still I wanted sex and romance in my marriage. I stopped telling him how badly I wanted more sex in our marriage.(Anyway it didn’t work in my marriage) Instead I initiated sex. I was being creative. Suggesting new moves or soon after he finished his workout while he was still very sweaty. I found it very effective. And I started to work out twice a day. Early in the morning, late in the evening. I felt happy about my body again..
Today I have learnt to give Sex its due place in my life. I’m not repressing it nor exaggerating. I have it under the control. My husband is temperate and rational in his sexual demands. And I have understood it. I feel a gradual increase of intimacy in our marriage. And I am determined to make it better.
Dear Jamie,
Jesus is right if he has approved that it is our desires that get us into trouble because we try to attain things in the wrong way. It is little similar to Buddha’s teachings. But Buddha can’t help us align our desires well and pursue those according to his plan because Lord Buddha is not living today so he can’t help to people who warship to him. When we bow and worship him, we express our gratitude to the Buddha for what his teachings have given us but not because he is The God. Christians, Jews and Muslims, Hindus worship God and expect something from him. But in Buddhism this is different. Our key is focusing on Buddha’s Teaching. Not on Buddha. The Buddha once said, ‘if anyone wishes to see me, he should look at my Teachings and practice them.’
No Jamie. Buddha has never preached that key to happiness in marriage life is to eliminate or sacrifice your own desire. It is only LOVE/ COMPASSION not Sacrifice. It is frequently misguided by nun Buddhists and therefore creates more confusion than clarify.
True compassion is not just an emotional response but a firm commitment. A truly compassionate attitude of wife towards her husband does not change even if he behaves negatively. A wife’s compassion is not based only on her own expectations, but rather on the needs of her husband (and vice versa…) but it doesn’t mean stopping /sacrificing wife’s desires… It is wife’s attitude toward her husband. For example when I have a pure motivation, then I have right attitude toward my husband based on compassion and respect. When I engage in fulfilling the needs of my husband, my own needs are fulfilled as a by-product.
In advising women about their role in married life, the Buddha counseled that a wife should:
•a) not harbor evil thoughts against her husband;
•b) not be cruel, harsh or domineering;
•c) not be spendthrift but should be economical and live within her means;
•d) guard and save her husband’s hard-earned earnings and property;
•e) always be attentive and chaste in mind and action;
•f) be faithful and harbor no thought of any adulterous acts;
•g) be refined in speech and polite in action;
•h) be kind, industrious and hardworking;
•i) be thoughtful and compassionate towards her husband, and her attitude should equate that of a mother’s love and concern for the protection of her only son;
•j) be modest and respectful;
•k) be cool, calm and understanding — serving not only as a wife but also as a friend and advisor when the need arises.
Furthermore, according to Buddhist teaching, the husband can expect the following qualities from his wife:
•— love
•— attentiveness
•— family obligations
•— faithfulness
•— child-care
•— thrift
•— the provision of meals
•— to calm him down when he is upset
•— sweetness in everything
(In return, the Buddha has also counseled the wife’s expectation from husband too)
Buddha taught that we’re attached to things (For example-SEX) because of what we think they can do for our desire and happiness. If we keep overestimating the pleasure and underestimating the pain they bring, we stay attached to them regardless of what.
This means learning to become more honest and sensitive to your actions and their consequences, at the same time allowing yourself to imagine and master alternative routes to greater happiness.
Buddhism is too vast and too profound to be neatly placed in any single category. Buddhism includes philosophy and religion and a way of life and goes far beyond.
The Buddha has set out a number of disciplinary codes for us to uphold according to our way of life. But they are not compulsory religious laws. We follow Buddha’s teaching voluntarily but not out of fear of him or not for worldly favors.
We follow them only to gain inspiration and right understanding. It is up to us to follow the advice through our own understanding and experience of what is good for us and for others. The Buddha had never claimed that He was the son or a messenger of God. According to the Buddha, man himself is the maker of his own destiny. We have none to blame for our lot since we alone are responsible for our own lives. We make our own life for better or for worse.
I married my husband 10 years ago. He had just completed his internship and was working as a young doctor. He was honest and caring. We used to have sex every day. Some days 3 to 4 time a day. Then he started doing his MD part-I and I got pregnant. Things were changing gradually but we both didn’t notice it. Still we were having sex 2-3 times per week. But no sooner sex started than it was over. As soon as he ejaculated, he started to snore.Then I got pregnant again and my husband was preparing for his final MD. He was very busy working, studying and taking care of 3 of us.
It was about 3 years ago I realized that even though we were having a peaceful marriage, something was lacking in our marriage and that was intimacy. I missed The frequent touching, kissing and hugging and I started telling him how lonely I felt, how much I needed love. I wanted him to have more sex with me. And want him to love me and cuddle me. All the time I was trying to change him, his feelings. I was expecting him to change his behavior and his lifestyle. I thought by having a healthy conversation about my desires, he would be more intimate. But soon I realized that conversation was not enough nor was it practical.
My husband has all the traits I want– kindness, intelligence, ambition. And he’s a loving husband, devoted father, and excellent provider. If it is sexual intimacy that was lacking in my marriage I couldn’t expect it from him without doing my part to improve my relationship.
That was when I put some of Buddha’s Middle way teachings, (something I’ve always known) in to practice. The right view, right intention and right action.
Most importantly, “middle way” means “detached sex”, but being detached does not mean you don’t care about your husband or that you don’t love him. It is the opposite. When you have your desires under control, having sex is not an urgent necessity.
First I stopped comparing my sex life to the one i had early on in my marriage. Then I stop worrying about not having enough sex. And I realized that lack of sex doesn’t mean my husband was cheating on me or anything else was wrong in my marriage.
But still I wanted sex and romance in my marriage. I stopped telling him how badly I wanted more sex in our marriage.(Anyway it didn’t work in my marriage) Instead I initiated sex. I was being creative. Suggesting new moves or soon after he finished his workout while he was still very sweaty. I found it very effective. And I started to work out twice a day. Early in the morning, late in the evening. I felt happy about my body again..
Today I have learnt to give Sex its due place in my life. I’m not repressing it nor exaggerating. I have it under the control. My husband is temperate and rational in his sexual demands. And I have understood it. I feel a gradual increase of intimacy in our marriage. And I am determined to make it better.
Thanks Gaya, I can appreciate that translating Buddhist ideas into English is difficult not to mention translating it into a different cultural context. I am grateful for your willingness to share this with me.
It is very interesting how you describe the key to happiness being the cessation of desire. It seems to me that our desire for things is a reflection of our value of those things. Like the above article suggests, our desire for sexual union with our spouse is a reflection of our love/value for that person and the value we place on being intimate physically, emotionally and spiritually. If my path to happiness means stopping my desire for that kind of unity with my spouse it seems that I am placing a higher value on my happiness than I am on valuing my spouse. Doesn’t that sound like selfishness? There are things that we should value at the expense of our own needs. In order to have the joy of seeing my children grow I sacrifice my own self in order to serve their needs. Does Buddhism suggest that my desires for loving my spouse and hopes for my children are misplaced?
Jesus does acknowledge that often it is our desires that get us into trouble because we try to attain things in the wrong way. He says that the key is focusing on knowing Him and He helps us properly align all of our desires and pursue those according to His plan. So if we are in a marriage that does not include regular sexual union He helps us pursue a healthy intimacy.
Dear Jamie,
Since Buddhism is not written in English, it is difficult to find the exact words which give the same meaning. And my knowledge is very basic, what I know of Buddhism is just the tip of the iceberg. But I’ll try my best.
According to Buddhism there is no “I” or there is no “self” in the sense of a permanent, integral, autonomous being within an individual existence. What we think of as “I” and our self, our personality and ego, are temporary creations of five aggregates (skandhas.)
i.e.
1.Form = the aggregate of FORM is what we would call material or physical factors. It includes our own bodies, and material objects as well. Specifically, the aggregate of form includes the five physical organs (eye, ear, nose, tongue, body), and the corresponding physical objects of the sense organs (sight, sound, smell, taste and tangible objects).
2.Sensation = The SENSATION(FEELING) is of three kinds – pleasant, unpleasant and indifferent. When an object is experienced, that experience takes on one of these emotional tones, the tone of pleasure, the tone of displeasure, or the tone of indifference.
The desire arises for those things that feel good. In fact the desire that motivates most people arises from pleasant experiences, such as with the thought “This feels good therefore I want to never be parted from it.” Where the mistake arises is in this expression “never being parted from it”, especially if this object is something impermanent, and that there is no way that the contact can be preserved for- ever.
Consequently the desire is setting oneself up for disappointment. Therefore in order to explore such feelings the Buddha mentioned the second aggregate the aggregate of FEELING.
3.Perception = The PERCEPTION is to turn an indefinite experience into a definite, recognized and identified experience. Or the “knowledge that puts together.” It is the capacity to conceptualize and recognize things by associating them with other things.
4. Mental Formation = All volitional actions, good and bad, are included in the aggragate of mental formations.
5. Consciousness – ( eye consciousness, ear consciousness, nose consciousness, tongue consciousness, body consciousness, mind consciousness )
The consciousness depends on the other 4 aggregates (skandhas) and does not exist independently from them.
It is the combination of above five aggregates make what we think of as an individual being. By understanding the 5 aggregates, we attain the wisdom of not-self. By getting rid of the idea of self, we can look at happiness and suffering, praise and blame, and all the rest with equanimity. In this way, we will be no longer subject to the imbalance of alternating hope and fear.
“What we call a ‘being’, or an ‘individual’, or ‘I’, is only a convenient name or a label given to the combination of these five groups. They are all impermanent, all constantly changing.
So to set free from the striving of “I” by using “I” is to understand that this “I” is impermanent. To free your mind by cleansing the mind of defilement and disturbances, to gain Insight (Vipassana) which leads to the understand¬ing of the true nature of things.
How to do that?
(1) by understanding the foundation of Buddhism i.e. Four Noble Truths which I have mentioned below.
And
(2) Meditation
The path of just believing what you are told is easy. The Buddhist path aims at the truth and practicing it requires courage, patience, flexibility and intelligence. And it is also very deep so not everyone has the capacity to understand it specially if you are not a Buddhist.
In Buddhism, the primary purpose of life is to end suffering. The Buddha taught that humans suffer because we continually strive after things that do not give lasting happiness. We desperately try to hold on to things – friends, health, material things – that do not last, and this causes sorrow.
The Buddha did not deny that there are things in life that give joy, but pointed out that none of them last and our attachment to them only causes more suffering. . If we’re attached to something, then although there may appear to be pleasure and joy in the relationship with that object, there will also be sorrow in it, and it is taught that, ultimately, the suffering and the sorrow outweighs the joys and so on. His teachings were focused entirely on this problem and its solution.
This is done by recognizing the impermanence of all things and freeing oneself from attachment to these things.
It is described in “Four Noble Truths,” i.e.
1.All of life is marked by suffering/ unsatisfactoriness.
2.Suffering/ unsatisfactoriness is caused by desire and attachment.
3.Suffering/ unsatisfactoriness can be stopped.
4.The way to end suffering/ unsatisfactoriness is to follow the Noble Eightfold Path.
Understanding the First Noble Truth is not easy. For most of us, it takes years of dedicated practice, especially to go beyond a conceptual understanding to a realization of the teaching.
But generally what we have to do is see how it all works, see the process operating, and that’s effective.
2nd i.e. Meditation is a very important part of the Buddhist way of life as it leads to the development of a penetrating wisdom, which enables us to see the true nature of exist¬ence
That is:
1.DUKKHA (meaning suffering/ unsatisfactoriness) this is very deep therefore I’ll skip this.
2.ANICCA (meaning Impermanence)
We start with one cell and end up with three trillion cells. We were all born with a one-way ticket and there is no recourse. We keep going in that direction because things are impermanent. Things mean our aggregates are impermanent. So this impermanence is built into the system.
3.ANATTA (meaning selflessness) This is also very deep so I’ll skip this too.
Buddhism teaches that humans are trapped in a repetitive cycle of birth, life, death and rebirth. Each successive rebirth may be into a better, a worse life, or a similar life, depending upon the person’s Karma — the sins and merits that have accumulated during their present and previous lives. One’s goal is to escape from this cycle and reach Nirvana. Once this is attained, the mind experiences complete freedom, liberation and non-attachment.
And although some people believe in superatural entities, Buddhism did not teach of the existence of any other type of God, Gods, Goddess, and/or Goddesses Because Buddhism is not based on faith,it is based on reason
Christianity has historically taught that everyone has only a single life on earth. After death, one’s beliefs and/or actions are evaluated in the Final Judgment. An eternal life awaits everyone. Depending on the judgment, it will be either in Heaven or Hell. There is no suffering in Heaven; only joy. Torture is eternal without any hope of cessation for the inhabitants of Hell.
So in a way Buddhism is totally different from Christian message. And it cannot be easily settled through dialogue. Disagreements can often rise. But you always have the right to your own religion and your own opinions, and have the right to practise your religion and express your opinions. Right?
I only have a general knowledge of Buddhism. I have read a little about Christianity and do enjoy watching Christmas movies. What I know is that everyone has their own path that works best for them. For me, Buddhism is what works. But I respect all other’s ways.
Even though I am a Buddhist I respect Jesus as a profound teacher and a great person. And love him regardless of differences. At the core it is all about peace and compassion.
Isn’t it?
Thanks for that clear description of Buddhism Gaya. I certainly see some similarities between what Buddhism teaches and what Jesus taught. I guess one of the differences is that the path to freedom in Buddhism is a person’s ability to walk the Noble Eightfold Path but Jesus taught us that humans are not able to set ourselves free. That makes sense to me because if “I” is the problem my efforts to make changes are going to be flawed. It would be like trying to wash my face with a dirty cloth–the more I rub, the dirtier my face will become. Jesus says that we need a new nature–one that is free from the striving of “I”–in order to be set free. He offers His own perfect nature to all who put their trust in Him so that they are no longer trapped by their “I”.
So how does Buddhism say that you can be set free from the striving of “I” by using “I”?
Buddhism. I’m a Buddhist.Our role is not to judge others actions, but to choose our own wisely. Buddhism cannot be equated with other faiths
Buddha is not some-kind of a god that we pray to get help. Or a prophet or any kind of supernatural being. He was one who was born, lived and died a human being. But a remarkable human being, who discovered a way of achieving true wisdom, compassion and freedom from suffering.He was a natural being. We worship Buddha to show our gratitude for showing us the path of enlightenment.But according to his teachings, we are the owner of our lives and what we do gives good and bad in return.
It is not within the power of a Buddha to wash away the impurities of others. One could neither purify nor defile another. We ourselves are directly responsible for our purification.
The starting point of Buddhism is reasoning or understanding. i.e.
“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it for a long time.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many without any investigation.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books.
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.
Do not believe in traditions simply because they have been handed down for many generations.”
“But after observation and analysis when you know for yourselves — these things are immoral, these things are blameworthy, these things are censured by the wise, these things, when performed and undertaken conduce to ruin and sorrow — then indeed do you reject them.”
” after observation and analysis When you know for yourselves — these things are moral, these things are blameless, these things are praised by the wise, these things, when performed and undertaken,conduce to well-being and happiness — then do you live acting accordingly.”
These inspiring words of the Buddha still retain their original force and freshness.
Buddhism begins with the fundamental fact of suffering. But before we can do anything about it, we must know its cause, which is the deeply-rooted sense of ‘I’ that we all have. Because of this we are always struggling to get things that are pleasurable and avoid things that are painful to find ease and security, and generally to manipulate people and situations to be the way I want them. And because the rest of the world does not necessarily fit in with what I want, we often find ourselves cutting against the general flow of things, and getting hurt and disappointed in the process. Suffering may be therefore brought to an end by transcending this strong sense of ‘I’ so that we come into greater harmony with things in general. The means of doing this is The Noble Eightfold Path. i.e.,
1. Right view
2. Right intention
3. Right speech
4. Right action
5. Right livelihood
6. Right effort
7. Right mindfulness
8. Right concentration
Buddhist do not ask help from lord buddha , do not pray to be saved. Buddha showed the above Noble Eightfold Path.It is our responsibility to follow that path.Buddha is not responsible for what we or people do. One should rely on himself and win his freedom.
I do not know if there is a God or not, I do not know whether the Bible is fiction or not. Muslms belive that the “almighty” or the creator of everything is ALLAH. Hindu’s believe Brahma is the creator or the almighty of everthing.
Cristians believe that the God is the Creator or almighty of everything.So whose God is real anyway? Buddha NEVER said Buddha is the almighty or creator of everything. I do know this, Jesus, ALLAH and Brahma speaks of caring for others, so does the Buddha. Jesus, ALLAH and Brahma speaks of loving others, and our enemies- and so does Buddha.
Jesus ALLAH and Brahma never condemned others, nor did they say YOU will go straight to HELL if you do not believe in me. He gave them truth and it was the individuals choice. So, Buddhism or Christianity? Or Christianity or Muslim? or Muslim or Hindu? Do we not want the same things? We Buddhist have a record of no war against other religion, why? Tolerance, Compassion, Respect for ALL life. our Religion is knowledge and wisdom.
I think Jesus would agree.
Gaya, I didn’t mean to suggest that you don’t communicate at all, it just sounded like you don’t talk about sex at all and I wondered if it might help to have some discussion about that. You said that there is no miracle working God in your religion, which religion do you follow?
@Clair Colvin
I said I was able to change myself, control my lust, and instead telling him over and over again how I feel, how badly i want to have sex every other day,I started showing him how much I love him just by being nice. That doesn’t mean we don’t talk to each other. Or we don’t communicate with each other.
No I have no idea if God exists or not. But I absolutely don’t believe God can do miracles. It’s not in my religion.
Gaya, It surprised me to read that you don’t think that talking to your husband would help. When there’s no communication between partners there is no opportunity to resolve conflicts. I suppose it could be more peaceful to go from conflict to lack of conflict, but lack of conflict is not the same as peace.
You mentioned that when you talked to your husband he grew distant. I wonder if it was the way you spoke to him rather than the act of talking itself? Do you know if he felt attacked? Or if you spoke to him when he was tired? Does your husband tent to avoid conflict in general? Most marriage counsellors would tell you that for a marriage to be successful you have to find a way to talk to each other. Some conversation are very uncomfortable but they need to happen. Were you ever able to ask your husband if there was a different way that you could talk about the lack of sex in your relationship?
You said that there is no miracle working God, I disagree with that. I believe that we do have a God of miracles, and He can change situations that seem unchangeable.
@ Why try
You are so right. Nagging or being suspicious or being sad and depressed takes you nowhere. There was a time I used to talk how I feel about our marriage to my husband. I talked to him all the time. The more I talked the more he grew distant. He promised me each time that he would change but he never did. Then I thought there must be something wrong with my approach. But it took me some time to realize it. According to my religion the solutions to my problems are within myself not outside. There are no miracles. And there is no God specialized in miracles. I have to take responsibility for my own actions and understanding. That’s why I changed myself. I was able to control my anger and my doubts. I practiced some patience, courage and flexibility and of course intelligence. I realized that I will always suffer if I expect my husband to conform to my expectations. So rather than constantly struggling to get what i want, why not try to modify my wanting. Why not be nice and do what ever i can do to make him happy. What would I lose by doing that…
I know sometimes I feel lonely physically and emotionally. But it’s far more better than it used to be. I know that my husband is a busy person and sex is not his first priority. But to me it is. And that is where I need to change my self.
I know the way I think can be very different from the way you think. I respect it.
BTW sorry about my English. It’s not my native language.
Gaya,
I’m a guy so I don’t understand why shavi shouldn’t be notified that if she does suspect he may be cheating to figure out how to get her husband interested in her instead? I hope he isn’t but if he is getting it elsewhere I suggest shavi take action to arouse him. That’s how some men work so use it to her advantage is my suggestion.
@ Shavi
You’ve asked me whether I talk about it with my husband. You see, he gets home exhausted and tired. So if I go to talk to him it would be a nagging. Being nice and loving and taking good care of how you look is more powerful than talking to him about your problem. But once in a while when we are in bed I smoothly say that I have so much love bottled up inside me.
Dear Shavi,
Both of us have so much in common. I used to think I have a weak nature but then again I discovered I am strong enough to hold on to my marriage and not to let go. So far my husband has been a faithful husband to me and a loving father to my kids. It is physical and emotional intimacy I miss in my marriage. And it hurts a lot. I know you have the same problem.
Do you trust your husband or do you suspect that he is cheating on you. If he’s not involved with another woman please do some serious thinking. It would be easy to brake the marriage but to do that you should have lot of courage. What if you could use that courage to make things right. You make the first move. I know this is hard but stop thinking about just sex for a while. Be extremely nice and loving to your husband. Just be kind. It can do wonders. And be religious too.
I have a very strong religion that is not based on God. I have been seeking solace of Dharma which is unparalleled to all. What we do and what we think is what we become. So I’m sure your religion too will lead you to the right track of life.
Please think about long term happiness. Be tricky and carefully plan what is best for you and your kids. And go for it. Be extremely petient. Do some meditation. It helps a lot.
And when you are alone think about the good side of your husband. That is what I do. I’m 33. I can’t and I don’t want to start my life all over again with another man.
If this is the case with you too please don’t give up on your marriage. Do everything you can to bring love and happiness into it.
Didn’t know there was a moderator filter so I replied twice
Faith, Most men watch porn privately so don’t take it wrong if hubby didn’t watch it with you. I can appreciate you taking him to the cabin but if sex is like work it may not seem worth the effort. Never turned him down in 7 years? Wow. If the cuddling and touching seem like work that may be why he stopped any effort. It’s also why he may be why he doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t see any positive coming from it. The cabin was romantic but was it what he likes? Good luck
Gaya,
I appreciate you being nice to your husband. Ive shut down even more since not only is sex not happening but the nagging has increased. I grew tired of intimacy because many years ago we did all that and it led to sex but I got tired of the ritual including surprise roses because it stopped working and thus I got tired of trying only to be rejected so I stopped trying. My point is if it becomes like work men avoid it because work is rarely fun and usually seen as something you have to do instead of want to. Good luck and again I liked your attitude toward being good around your hubby.
Andrew, people like you are one main reason I won’t be a Christian. I noted I wasn’t Christian as a way to inform responders that tell me to read the Greek books isn’t going to get me any closer to Christianity. Respect that.
@Shavi
I know it is so depressing. But thanks to this site I now know I’m not the only one. I’m 33 too and we got married in 2002. I have two daughters. Shavi your life is exactly like mine. But my husband doesn’t drink alcohol. In my 10 years of marriage I’ve learnt to bear up so much pain and disappointments. Not just because getting a devorce is out out of question but because I love him so much too. I really don’t know if he feels the same way about me too but he love our kids. He hug them, kiss them, play with them. And he is a very good human being.
What we lack is intimacy. We don’t talk intimate stuff, very seldom kissing and hugging. And now we have sex only twice a month. What I have come to realized is that there’s nothing much I can do to change my husband because I can’t change his true nature. He is cold and distant. But Shavi believe it or not I have learnt to live happily now. I spend more time with my kids. Elder one 7yrs and yound one is 4 yrs. I do gardening and take a great deal how I look. I know he barely notices how I look but when I look good I feel good.
I started doing face yoga and noticed a great change. It took years off my face.
And I’m very careful to be the best looking when he’s at home. And I treat him very nicely. I do all his work. All house work and kid’s work. I know he doesn’t care but I don’t let it affect my life because he’s like that because of his nature. And maybe just maybe he doesn’t do it on purpose. Some men are just different.
There’s nothing both of us can do Shavi to make our husbands fall in love with us. But we can learn to be happy without their intimacy.
Always look good. And smile and show him you are happy when he’s around. And even if he doesn’t show you any love doesnt matter you keep on showing your love to him by being nice to him. If you feel like it just give him a hug. And do something you like to keep you busy. I’m sure these will definitely change your life because today I live happily bacause i follow these tips. It’s a shame we can’t talk more personally. But I wish you all the courage.
Dear Shavi, I have been sitting on this for 2½ days now, wondering how to answer you.
My suggestion, as Andrew also says, is to contact an on-line-mentor who would love to walk alongside of you on your journey. Just fill out this page http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ and a mentor will email you back.
Here is another website that you may find helpful: http://thelife.com/discover/faith/start/
It may take a miracle to change your one-sided relationship. Our God specializes in miracles!
Do you have a Bible that you can read? Some Christian book stores have devotional booklets that have daily readings. Then you can read the Bible, the devotional and pray together as a family. I have not only found it very inspirational, but it brings love and understanding to a spouse and also to the family.
Let’s pray together: Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You that Shavi has kept her life pure from sexual sins. You have helped her to endure a type of rejection that is very difficult to take. Give her wisdom to find a way of helping her husband to really love her, and to show it! I do not have the answer, oh Lord, but You are able to do what we cannot. I pray for a miracle to bring Shavi’s husband to experience the joy of loving his spouse, including sex. Help him to see that she is not there just to cook meals and bear children, but to be her partner and friend. I thank You in advance for helping Shavi to find a good one-on-one mentor. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Hi gaya , I would love to talk to you too. Do you have any kids? Did you talk to your husband about it? I want to tell you that we love our kids alot. we never ever had any argument in front of our kids. We are very good parents. my husband is very good father, there is doubt about it. only thing bothers me about our sexual relationship. I am feeling so lonely @night time. did you try anything new.any suggesions for me. we both understand better, I know its so hard .
@Shavi
I’m a young wimen of 33. Your life story is very similar to mine. Arrange marriage, kids, no kissing just seldom sex. I would love to talk to you and share my life with you. Maybe it will help both of us feel better. I reckon you are an Asian. I’m an Asian too. My email is [ed. it is our policy not to publish personal contact information on our sites]
@Shavi one of the questions that I always ask myself is how is my relationship with Christ as often if our relationship with him is not there then other issues in life cloud our judgement. You see Christ can bring healing to your marriage as from your comments it seems that sex was only to conceive and not for what God meant it to be which is an expression of love between a man and a woman. If you have not asked Christ to forgive you of your sins and accept him he will not be able to give you wisdom as to how to deal with the problems you face in a relationship where there is no physical contact.
The answers to life’s issues and problems is individual as Christ will show you the way if you have not asked him to forgive you of your past sins then it is difficult to understand what you should do. I would suggest that you contact an online mentor to discuss further as they are willing to discuss the issue with you and offer prayer and insights.
Lord Jesus I pray that you will be with Shavi Lord I ask that if she has not accepted you that she will do so and Lord I pray that she will have the courage to reach out to one of the online mentors who will be able to walk with her and be a support as it is difficult to be in a marriage where one feels unloved.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
Hi Everyone we been together 10yrs. we have 3 kids and we had sex 10 to 15 times in 10 yrs .we planned for kids. I bought ovulation kit from drug store and we had sex when i was ovulated. first 5yrs i didn’t say anything then last 5yrs i talked to him so many times. we had arranged marriage and i asked him to tell me if he don’t like or etc but he always says he has no complains . last few yrs he is working very hard but not making enough money so he is bit stressfull but how can i believe him because he is like this from day one in our marriage . first time we had sex after 4days our marriage and that one i tried ( i asked for it ). im 33 yr old . i want healthy sexual relationship with my husband and he is not giving me. I don’t want to cheat him because i love him so much , I can’t give him divorce because for my kids but same time I can’t handle it any more. I am still young . I never had an boyfriend or any sexual relationship with someone. whenever we made love he never kiss me or hug me ( he never give me satisfaction ) the other thing bothers me alot , he just do sex when he is drunk. I don’t want to loose him but same time i can’t live with him either. Can someone help me please , tell me what should i do ?
Heartbroken,
I think if you read some of the other comments that women have left it becomes clear that just because your husband is not getting sex from you does not mean that he is getting it somewhere else. The most important thing you can do is to just keep on communicating, no matter how difficult it seems. That’s the only way that he can even begin to understand what the impact this has on you.
Faith,
It sounds as if you have done absolutely everything you can possibly think of to try to work this through and still your husband isn’t responding. I can understand how disheartening this must be for you, especially since your love language is touch. Continue to let him know how important it is to you, and verbalize when you get angry why it is that it makes you angry. Truly the only solution is for God to change his heart and allow him to understand the incredible pain he is causing you.
In the meantime, continue to take your anger to the Lord as well since it will eat you up otherwise. It is much like not forgiving someone. It was once said that unforgiveness is like eating rat poison and expecting the rat to die. Instead it will kill you. You say that you love your husband so don’t give up on him and ask God to change him from the inside out.
My husband and I have been married for 4 years and together for almost 7 years, second marriage for both of us. He is 42 and I am 41. Before we married, our sex life was exciting and fun! It has gone downhill dramatically since we married. I know that he does not do porn… I know that he had it when we were dating but he never used it with me around, even after I volunteered to watch it with him. When we were first married, I came home from work one day and he told me that he wanted God welcomed in our home and he knew that porn was wrong so he destroyed and removed it from our home, which made me happy. I never liked it, but never told him this. We found out that we were expecting soon after we married and the further along I got into my pregnancy, the less interested he seemed in sex or me. I thought it would get better after the baby was born, but it only seemed to get worse… to the point of erectile disfunction. After a while we went to christain counseling who suggested going to the doctor. The doctor gave him some viagra samples and tested his testosterone levels, which were normal. The viagra worked but did not do anything for his interest in me. We never got the prescription refilled because it was not covered under insurance and we could not afford to pay out of pocket for it. We continued to go to counseling for a while and eventually stopped going. Our sex life improved somewhat, but never to the way it was… Not as many erectile disfunction but total what I call laziness… He doesn’t do anything spontaneous, only when I initiate. I get turned down all the time… I have never once in 7 years turned him down. We have to plan it and even if we plan it, it may not happen. When we do have intimate time, he does nothing for me. He lays there in the same spot. I planned an overnite trip in a cabin in the mountains with a hot tub in the room next to our bed for our anniversary last month… He could not get it up (first time in a long time) and did not even try to talk to me about it, just went to sleep. I was so devistated… I had put a lot of time and thought into this. I had to drag conversation out of him the next day about it when he was acting like everything was ok. I am afraid to say anything to him for fear that I am going to hurt his feelings. Our counselor talked to us about the 5 love languages and mine was/is touch… I feel loved and connected by touch. I have to remind him of this often… I do not know what to do, but I am growing more and more angry with each passing incident, which I do not like at all. I love my husband, but do not understand him.
My husband and I have known each other for 10 yrs and been married for 2 yrs (12 yrs in total). Sex was great before we got married. It goes from 2-3 times a day to 2-3 times a week. After we got married, the 1st week was just the same. After that, it was once a month. Then once every 2-3 months. Let me just say that it is now Aug and the last time was in Feb. I’ve never turned him away. He watches porn but I watch it with him too. Still… nothing. I don’t know how it is when I’m not at home. I don’t think that he is cheating. But it has crossed my mind because if he’s not getting it from me, he’s getting it somewhere else, right?
Seems like everything is great, except we don’t have sex. It’s sad and I cry about it but he tries to assure me that everything is ok and that he still wants me.
@Why Try,
It must be very difficult in being in a marriage where their is no physical expression of love. Their are often many reasons as to why a person does not wish to be intimate and one of the disadvantages which you have as you are not a Christian then Christ can not reveal to you what it is that is preventing you from becoming intimate. It is much more than just talking about it as in my life when I feel discouraged or have other issues by reading the Bible God through is Holy Spirit will show me things that I never thought of and give me insights I would have never know about. The issue often has to do with the soul as if you allow Christ in your heart and ask for forgiveness the problems will still be here however wisdom.
In the Bible in James 1:5 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.
You have the choice in life to not belong to Christ however if you don’t belong then he will not be able to give you the wisdom to discover why your being rejected otherwise you will have the feeling of being unwanted.
I’ll try to be brief. Been together 14 years and it just went steadily downhill slowly. I’ve finally just given up and it makes me a little sad. We use to have sex three times or maybe even just twice but by the time it got down to once every couple weeks, I just said forget it. I’m hoping that you hear this and I hope no one suggests that I just talk to her about it.I told a professional and I told a second professional and the message was ignored after leaving our couple therapy. I am not a christian.
I agree LIC that honest communication is key. You need to let him know how his actions impact you and be able to hear from him why he is the way he is. That is part of the joy of marriage and what feeds our need for intimacy. When there is an intense desire to know your spouse better and to be known by them it helps facilitate true intimacy. Yes there are physical issues that can sometimes get in the way of sexual intimacy but by fall the things that degrade a couple’s physical union together is the result of emotional barriers.
Ive been following posts for a while and I have to comment about the porn. My husband absolutely does not watch porn. Number 1, he works too much, and he’s not cheating because he texts me from work all the time, literally all day and if he wasn’t working we wouldn’t be able to pay off our bills or afford our lifestyle and I do see every check he gets. And when he is home we are together almost every moment. I don’t believe all guys look at porn, most guys, yes, but not all. I took special care to watch out for things like that. To be honest, I’ve started doing even more around the house and backing down from being so sexual (being almost halfway through pregnant is helping a lot), he’s started to make comments about ME not touching him now. He is very tired from working a lot and I respect him so much for it be because it’s for our future. Im just hanging tight and hoping that’s the truth and things will change later. Like I said before, I’ve only been married a little over a year but I’ve been with my husband for about 2.5 years and things do change. Just maintaining communication and patience and honesty are what keeps me through this.