Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex!
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So often I hear about how much men need sex, but my husband has no interest in sex. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my husband want me?
Donalyn: Well first of all, there is nothing wrong with you! The first response of most women in your situation is to second-guess or blame themselves. While your husband’s lack of desire is certainly a problem, it is most likely not a problem with you. In fact, most sexual problems aren’t sexual at all.
Dave: That is right Donalyn. We sometimes have the idea that for men, the sexual experience is detached from what is going on inside. In reality, a man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desire. If he feels emotionally distant from his wife, and especially if he feels like a failure in any way, it can lead to a lack of confidence and therefore a lack of interest in sex. For a man, sexual performance is very much tied to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself it will definitely show up in his approach to sexual intimacy with his wife.
Donalyn: As women, we know that our sexual appetite is diminished when we do not feel connected to our husbands, or if there is unresolved anger between us. But we forget that our husband’s sex drive can also suffer for these same reasons. Likewise, if a man is overworked or under a lot of stress, whether inside or outside the home, sexual interest may start to take a back seat.
A Conversation about Love & God
Has love betrayed you? Is it preventing you from believing that you are a human being who is loved by God? You are intelligent, beautiful, loved, and not alone.
Dave: Of course, there are all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here too. If your husband has had any struggles with erectile dysfunction, that is likely a huge contributing factor. If he is feeling any lack of confidence in his ability to perform, he will almost certainly shy away from physical intimacy. Libido is also significantly impacted by testosterone levels, so if your husband has low testosterone, that could be the cause. Drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, may hinder the sexual desire. The good news is that many of the physical factors are very treatable, so it may be time for your husband to have a doctor’s appointment to get some help with this.
Donalyn: Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which are not so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person’s involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities. That is becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the Internet.
Dave: It is true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it’s a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.
Donalyn: So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he is just getting those needs met elsewhere.
Dave: Exactly. And it is not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a variety of fantasy sources, combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping women out and fantasizing about them later. Others give into their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be “neuter” for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there does not seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.
Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.
Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.
Donalyn: I would ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest. Ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Maybe he knows exactly what the problem is, or perhaps you will have to work through it together to discover what lies at the root. The best thing you can do is approach it as a team. He cannot be made to feel like this is all his problem to solve on his own. He needs to know that you are on the same side. So share with him your needs and your desires – how you would like things to be. Then work together to get there.
Dave: That is right. Support him throughout the process as he works through his fears and insecurity. Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.
Donalyn: Right. But that is tough to do if you discover that pornography or other illegitimate behaviors are part of the picture.
Dave: Yes, that is very true. But if you do suspect that this is a factor, you are going to ask him the tough questions about where he is having his sexual needs met. And as hard as it will be, if your husband has the courage to open up with you and share his struggles in this area, he will need your support. These issues can be worked through and overcome, but not without a great deal of patience and understanding.
Donalyn: It is also important to find out if there is anything that you have been doing to contribute to the problem. Not that it ever excuses wrong behavior on his part, but you need to know if you have said or done anything to turn him away from you. It may be that you have a critical spirit, that you have been controlling him or cutting him down, or that you are making him feel less of a man. If so, these are behaviors that you can take responsibility for and begin to change, in order to improve the situation between you.
Dave: Absolutely. If a man is feeling constantly criticized or dominated, it creates big damage to his self-worth, and that filters down to his sexual interest. So find out what issues may be coming between you and take positive steps to resolve them. You might even read some marriage and sexuality resources to help you through this process. Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman and Staying Close, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey are good places to start.
Donalyn: Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.
Dave: Keep in mind 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”
While I would not necessarily recommend preaching at your husband, every couple needs to remember that depriving or denying each other increases the temptation to have sexual needs met elsewhere. Again, it never legitimizes it. But a wise person will work to keep their spouse satisfied within the marriage.
Family Life offers hope and resources for struggling marriages. Does your sex life need help? Find out why men can have a low sex drive.
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My fiance is in the military over sees he seems to crave sex and want me bad over phone and when i send him naughty pictures. When he came home for two weeks we had a quicky then a few more, then the next few days were bad i tried so hard i rubbed his feet, his back, his legs.He knew what i wanted but when i tried to touch his stuff to please him he moved my hands because he was embaressed that he wasnt able to get it up. I waited a couple more days i only had a few left before he would have to leave again and i wanted to make love bad. I tried the whole stripping thing in front of him i even took a vibrater to myself in front of him but he had me heart broken when he said he was tired and not in the mood. Does this mean he has fallen out of love with me or he will do this to me when he gets home. Does this mean that im ugly for him now, or that im not good enough. Then most of the time when we make love he finishes leaving me still in the mood but refuses to let me get him back up and going.
Dear Kavi
You love him alot and he loves and cares you alot
You are getting much of sexual desire and watch sex movies and have sex chat
“Tell me something to control my sexual emotions”
“With lot of hopes and suggestions from you guys…”
What to suggest?
Try to seduce him?
Try to tell him that you love him?
Try to suggest to take a shower with him?
And then a non-sexual massage (that could end sexual, if he reacts positively)?
But it seems that you really need to discover sex through movies and chat
And I wonder if it is not a stage of your life
If it is not a deep need in you, created by what you have lived during your childhood or your adolescence
Maybe you need to experiment what you are living now
Have you inconsiously delibarately choosen your man, feeling that things will evoluate this way?
May be
May be not
You suffer stress and depression
Can this be the consequence of your culpability that you may feel?
Because you have choosen your man
And now you may feel guilty to “cheat” him through sex movies and sex chat
I would say:
-Either you stop “cheating” (I don’t judge you!) and concentrate on your man and the ways to make him happy
-Or you go on like you do now, but you stop feeling guilty
In both cases I think that you will need an help that you will not find in sex chat
…something to control my sexual emotions: nothing but consciousness
Hi,
Friends i had gone through the previous messages. And i feel that there are even more thousand of them having the same problem. I got married 3 yrs back, and its love cum arranged marriage. After marriage only, i came to know thaat he is not interested in sex and after 8 months only though i had initiated it was a failure for me. After 8 months, he himself started and hardly twice or thrice we used to have sex in amonth. Meanwhile, we expected for pregnancy and there the problem started.
Based on his disinterest in sex, he refused to take some test which the doc has prescribed and after 11/2yrs only, i came to know that he has less sperm count. And he started to take tab…. And i convinced and controlled my emotions towards sex to him. Based on this sort of situation, i had undergone IUI treatment and had 4 cycles and again it was failure.
Now with the recent sperm count test, we came to know that his count is increased from 16 millions to 60 millions after 11/2 yrs. Recently, after know this (Aug 3rd, 10)i thought of going for the natural pregnancy and even doc had suggested the same.I had open talk to him and expressed my feelings but there is no improvement. So for past 3 yrs, i talk and making him to understand my feelings. He is not expressive too and doesn’t tell me what he thinks and what he feels. Now i could not move away from this relation as i love him alot and apart from this sexual life, he loves and cares me a lot.
I m under so much of stress and depression. Even now, i m mailing this and he has sound sleeps without even knowing that where i am and what i am doing.
Friends, kindly help me out to overcome this situation. Tell me osmthing to control my sexual emotions. I feel very recently that i am getting so much of sexual desire and watching sex movies and having sex chat…..
With lot of hopes and suggestions from you guys…
Kavi
Dear Walter
You recently have asked “how to feel more confident in the bedroom?”
I hope that you don’t need anymore advice, but if what follows might help you the fewest, I would be very pleased
@ Rachel
Thank you for the compliment
It’s moving/emotional(?) (xuse me, english is not my mother tongue) to get such a request
When I write, I make it spontaneously and sincerly
And it is like “making l…” : always different
At the end, the result should be the same
To sum up, I have experienced that if we men have the intention and the behavior of a leader with a woman, this woman will be very receptive and will have much pleasure in “making” love
Now, what is a leader?
For me, the leader is a man that is or wants to be affectionately bounded with his woman and is aware that, to create these fellings, he has to create a need
The need for caresses, the need for sweet words, the need for fondling, the need for cuddle
And the best way I know to wake up these needs in a woman is to give her “samples” of caresses (just touching her hand, brushing it with the tip of your fingers, with the tip of your lips, on her hand, on her forearm, in her neck)
To give her the possibility to “taste” what you can offer her
So, it is important to be very open, sensitive to how she reacts
Does it make her happy? Does she giggle? Does she smile? Does she say “no” but press your hand or your head against her? Does she shiver or even shake?
All these reactions are very encouraging (courage comes from the heart)
At this point she may want you to make love with her here and now. Fast and furious
If you are a leader, or want to become one, do not do it
Go on teasing her (may be propose a warm place with more intimacy, your lady liyng on her back) and she will be at the same time satisfied and wanting more and more and more.
When you are both comfortable you can slightly brush other more intimate places of her body with the very tip of your fingers or of your lips
The most intimate being her lips and her tongue, her nose, her hears
It will be very difficult not to give a real kiss
So, go for a kiss, even a passionate one, but with your hands remain soft and tender
Explore slowly her whole body (at this point, she may have helped you to take off some clothes. Take off only these she wants to and be very careful to caress her only on places SHE has pleasure to be caressed, places she is comfortable with. It may be very intimate places: so go the slowlyest possible, but go there and caress her there, very slowly. Feel, explore gently and firmly, attentionate and loving)
Be also careful with what you say and how you say it
If you find she is beautiful, tell her sincerly, very kindly, very softly
If you find her skin is smooth like a baby’s, tell her too
Speak only of her
Speak only of what you find fantastic in her: her behaviour, her voice, her face, her smile, her skin, her hands, her fingers are so feminine, so fine, so smooth (if you really think it)
Then do everything kind and appreciated, except intercourse/penetration with your sexual organ (she may ask, even ache for it: do not)
You can allow her to caress you there but only just before she orgasms. When she is on the verge of coming
So there are good chances that you come after her or toghether
May be the next time there will be intercourse, at the end, when your lady is already at the point of no return (think of having a condom or two with you)
The leader is not the one that has power on a woman. The leader has power on himself: He is interested only by his lady and her pleasure.
Coming is the last thing that must happen to him
But when it happens it is at the same time or after his loving lady
The more subtle, patient and gentle he is, the more pleasure he will have to see her pleasure growing and transforming her
Here you feel your power: you have the most plesureable reactions of your love under the slightest caresses you afford her
It may last…time is forgotten
What a great moment for both
To renew the magic of these moments is another thing, but based on the same principle: act always as if it was the first and the last time
Rachel, I hope I will have been “soft” enough to be entirely published and that today’s version complies with what you remember of the former
Enzo,
If you would be willing to edit your former excellent post and repost, I think it would be of great value to some of the gentlemen here. You are really on the right track!
Hi Rachel, I appreciate your concern but I did have to completely remove that portion of the comment. Otherwise, if I edit through it what is listed under Enzo’s name is not actually what he said. There are legal issues involved in editing of comments and the best way to ensure that Enzo is not misrepresented was to remove it entirely.
Real life aside, kids, bickering, excuses… if you are clean, sexy, fun, funny, hard working, honest, loving, affectionate, helpful, encouraging, no comments about the way sex is, the act of it, all around a “normal” woman with a high sex drive… what is the problem with the husband? Men are labled as visual creatures, that supplied, where do you turn, what do you say to display your feelings of hurt towards not being touched? When do you say “I can’t wait for you to make me feel loved and wanted” how do you say that without offending the one you love so much? This being said after the communication has been displayed… and the only answer you ever get is “I’ll work on it, I will change it, it will get better.” At some point even the most secure person starts to question if there is someone else… even if the only place is work. An emotional bond is needed along with a physical relationship… without it is love and marriage bound to last??? Everyone has a breaking point, even if you don’t believe in divorce. What to do….
It’s not how you look to a man, it’s how you look AT him.
Claire: I read Enzo’s message in email and it was so on target…I feel that you could have edited and kept some of the content that did not fall into the category of being descriptive so that Walter could have distilled the gist of his message…I doubt that anyone will come up with anything as helpful and don’t think it should have been summarily chopped in toto.
Ok Claire
I understand and I accept these rules
I shall try to respect them
Enzo, I think you have misunderstood my reasoning for removing your earlier comment. It wasn’t that you used the correct terms. We are all grown-ups here. We can say words like sex and penis without blushing. I think it’s safe to say that we can and do expect our doctors to treat us as adults. The reason your comment was removed was because you described specific acts in detail and that is not allowed under our commenting policy. As I said earlier, I do think that your intentions were honorable and you are welcome in this discussion. It is not my intention to censor ideas, but I am required to uphold the policies of this site and detailed discussion of specific sexual acts is simply not allowed.
@ Ed: I understand (even if I don’t think it’s the right way) but in this case, how can you suffer the word “SEX” in the titel of this forum?
This is really explicit!
Is it to attract people, readers in your Forum?
Is it a mistake that you are going to correct at once?
I can suggest:
-Help! My Husband Doesn’t Wan’t S..
-Help! My Husband Doesn’t Wan’t to Make L…
-Help! My Husband Doesn’t Wan’t to Touch Me
-Help! My Husband Doesn’t Wan’t to Intercourse
I think that if you don’t speak to adults with adult’s word your readers will be considerated like children
Problems of adults cannot be solved with answers for children
If the whole forum is under these conditions of non-adult communication (because you mix up, you confuse “explicit” and “porn”)
If you don’t help them to drive them out of the world of the children, the world of the dreams, the world of Barbie, the world were the first love lasts forever, remains allways the same
Then your readers will probably remain with their problems
Now, if I had said “D…” for “P…” and “C…” for “V…”, I could have understood censorship
But do you really think that the women of the Forum have never been to a gynecologist?
What kind of words would he use to explain some things to do or not to do when thre is a little problem down there?
Would he use censorship and let the things evoluate morbidly because one musn’t shock the patient with adult words?
@ Nic and @ Sheila: Everything changes, evoluate.
It means you have to anticipate or at least to adapt yourself to these changes
It doesn’t mean to be a victimes of these changes: it means to sollicit your intelligence to face the questions.
We all have this intelligence.
We just need to have the courage to behave as adults and not anymore like children in our dreams or like teenagers)
Briefly: try to always put a little distance between you and your lover
But in the same time try to seduce him, to tease him so he knows he hasn’t got you for ever, that he must conquest you every day, everytime
Just don’t try to make him jalous by looking or teasing other men: it must be just between you and him.
If you have no success, try, try and try again
If you still have no success, leave him.
Gently, but leave him: he isn’t made for you
There is also the possibility that you become for him the Princess to conquest
It is what I wishes to you and to all the woman that love their man! (I hope censorship will spare my whole answer)
I kinda feel betrayed because when I met my boyfriend he was the best, most exciting lover I ever had…he did everything he knew I loved and was very spontaneous.But when he knew he had me it pretty much stopped. I had just ended a long term relationship when he and I met, and he actually feared I would go back to my previous relationship so he made our love life incredible. He made me feel so beautiful, desired and sexy. Now I feel invisible…sex is routine and boring…if at all.
Others are talking about staying with their man because they love him so much and honestly that is always how I felt. Outside the bedroom we have an awesome relationship, we do exciting things and have many friends but it is not enough. I tell him that he sees me as his buddy, just someone he enjoys being with. He tells me he is not happy unless we are together… so if that is the case he should heed my warnings. Why is it fair that I love him so much I stay w him even though he doesnt meet my needs but he doesnt care enough about my needs to change? I, like other writers have considered cheating…my attitude is “well what did he think was going to happen?” I have been very honest about my feelings and how this issue hurts and effects me, and if he is not going to make an effort then what happens-happens. I love him and initially it will hurt deeply not to be w him but by staying in this relationship I am prolonging the pain and missing out on an important part of life and love.
We have been married for 6 years now and our realtionship changes suddenly since last few months. I a so frustrated with my husband as he is no longer feeling like having any physical relationship with me. No touching, kissing or having sex. I know all his problems that he has erection problems, depression which deprives his sex drive and also porn and cyber sex. I dont know how to deal with all these probelms at the same time. I tried to speak to him openly to discuss and resovle all problems but he is not happy to speak about anything. This really frustrates me and I want the intimate realtionship again with my husband.
Dear Walter
How to feel more confident in the bedroom?
I would say: become the leader, the one that proposes, decides, tries new things
[ redacted due to explicit content ] Ed’s note: Enzo – while I do appreciate what I believe was a genuine attempt to help, your comment does not meet our terms of service guidelines regarding explicit language and content and has been removed.
The sexual issues between my wife and I started from the beginning when we were dating. When I was single, I was really more open in bed for 2 reasons. The first was I didn’t deeply care for the person I was with, therefore I didn’t worry about the consequences of ‘not doing a good job’. Second, my girlfriend (now my wife) who I deeply cared for, is much more free in the bedroom. Because I deeply care for her, I am looking for more intimate, slow, passionate lovemaking. Not the wild and crazy college coed romps. I’m not sure why I would prefer my wife to be compassionate and intimate versus what most men dream of, wild and exhibitionist.
It sounds like every man’s dream. A very attractive wife who wants sex all of the time and initiates it frequently. The unfortunate thing is that this has led to some issues. I don’t want sex as often, because I can feel intimidated, especially when she rips off my clothing. If I clam up and turn her down, it hurts her. My confidence is way down, because I don’t think I can perform to her satisfaction. I’ve never been that wild in the sack, nor do I think will ever be unless I feel 100% safe. That no matter what I do, she won’t be upset, hurt or disappointed.
So, problem #2 came along. I wanted intimacy and to feel safe. So, I’d want some kissing and hugging and cuddling and then Boing! I was ready to go. My wife felt as if I was ‘tricking’ her. Cuddling and petting just so I could get sex. True it turned me on, but she felt the two are separate. Cuddling = Intimacy, Passion = Sex (sorry, I’m an engineer).
Her response to this is that I should feel the most comfortable with her in the bedroom because she is my wife. In reality, I feel less comfortable with her because I care so much for her. No caring = no holds barred sex. Lots of caring = I want to cuddle and feel safe with her. No caring = Let’s Romp until the sun comes up and you go home. Caring = I want so much to please you and not make a wrong move/Do you like what I am doing?/Uh Oh, she didn’t like that… bye bye erection. It’s like a vicious cycle, I think she’s not enjoying it, I try harder. She thinks I’m not into it, and starts to not enjoy it. Which comes first? Not sure. I know that she cares and the same goes for her, because if I don’t orgasm, she gets very hurt and thinks that I’m not attracted to her. Talk about pressure! Holy cow! We men know, the more pressure we feel, the less likely we’ll get there. It would be like having your mother in the room with you chanting “Make me a Grandchild!”
Good news is that we’re getting better, little by little. I made myself this promise that if she initiates sex, I try to never turn her down. If I do, I make it up to her within 24 hours. It still hurts her though, a lot, especially if she is really trying and I’m not into it. If she gets frustrated with me in the bedroom, it’s devistating to me. We talk about it a lot, and truthfully I don’t like talking about it, but everytime we do, we learn just a bit more about eachother (although we repeat a lot of the same crap).
Any thoughts about how to feel more confident in the bedroom?
just for the records…my husband has never had to measure up to anything, so I think that is an assumption that every woman here is the same as Michael’s wifem some kind of ball buster in bed…I am tender, patient, understanding, and willing to partake in any way with my husband…one of my biggest joys is in giving him pleasure, however he does not want to kiss, have eye contact, anything man/woman He has no desire to be arouse or to arouse himself and apparently no desire for orgasm. So he is a sexually dysfunctional person, who when asked by me or anyone in a professiona capacity why, says “I don’t know”. All I have ever done is tell him how wonderful any interaction is that we have ever had and have tried to help build his self esteem, have helped him with his weight, his eating and exercise program, his ability to function and be well in this life as a loving partner…if I feel that my partner wants me I love to initiate, and it isn’t the sex that I crave so much, it is the feeling that he wants me and is turned on by me that I desire…I have invested my whole life, all my love, attention, and caring into this man who is like a brother, not a husband.
Hello
My wife wants sex with me
And I cannot, because I can only make Love
This is the problem: I need to be loved et respected to make Love
Sex is not for me, even if our genitals are more than involved in making Love
I am one of these men that needs harmony to go further
And when it is the case, it can be fantastic!
(For all the men that come to fast: caress and kiss your woman till orgasm and just before she comes, penetrate her, if she wants it)
@ Nathalie: if your respectfull lover tells you that he loves you, then he wants to kiss you, will you kiss him?
If yes, will you accept that he caresses your head, your shoulders, your back, your belly, maybe your legs?
Will you caress him, too?
Will you not want to go any further and have pleasure with more caresses?
Will you not love him more?
Will you not desire more?
If you were my wife and we love each other, I am shure you would desire all this and may be ask (silently?) for more.
But you are right, all this with the deep wanting of both: man AND woman
Right again with the condom: the man should take his responsabilities and use correctly a certified condom if the woman wants the penetration (and I would say: condom also without penetration, from the beginning because man’s fluids may flow anywere during caresses)
Nathalie, what do you mean by “Period” at the end of your text July 23?
Who says it only has to do with sex. A man and woman are not meant to live together as brother and sister, but according to even God, whether anyone thinks so or not, I man and woman are to give themselves to one another completely, or it is considered to be a wrong doing against God, your partner, your happiness as a couple, feelings of wholeness, and throws a complete wedge in the marriage. It is not just the sexual act we are talking about, all the subtleties of being lovers, the longing glances, the special looks, a kiss that echoes that you are lovers, the knowledge that you are turned on by one another…all these healthy, good and wonderful feelings needed to grow a marriage eradicated by evidentally many selfish male partners who are experience sickness themselves that they are comfortable with and think it is okay to let a woman die in her tracks and in her dreams without altering their life killing path. I have often told my husband he is killing me as a woman, my very essence denied…that I am the only one trying to help and change things. Well guess what “reluctant maiden” husbands there is another side to this…there are men who absolutely resonate to these ideas who can’t wait to get their hands on your wife, if given the opportunity.
Although I had double breast surgery my libido is totally intact ( so what’s wrong with you?) and I went out on a website to find one long term lover who appreciates me as a woman and can’t get enough of me. As it turns out 179 men answered me who had similar problems with their wives not wanting them…I decided to abandon the idea of meeting anyone for awhile with impending surgery, but it did make me FEEL GOOD/ ALIVE to know that I was highly desired by normal men!
A male friend who knows me well who is in my space frequently that I share many fun projects with was comforting me prior to one of my surgeries and ended up rubbing my foot on the couch…said he wanted to soothe me and make me happy. My husband sat on another couch watching this and said nothing at all…later that evening my friend kneeled by my bedside stroking my hand looking into my eyes…even this alone was 10,000% more than what I have received from my husband in years who is in his own aloof void and wishes to remain there. My husband thought it was very nice my friend was soothing me. My friend confessed to me that he was aroused later. A week later we were alone for a moment and he kissed me, a tender, long sexy kiss, our tongues softly exploring. I was knocked out by it with a big smile on my face for days. He just stood there holding me and “WHOA!”…it was very exciting. I do not know where I am going with this, but I told my husband about it, who had no comment at all. I asked him if he wanted to abandon our friendship with out friend and he said “no”.
I tried for years and wanted only my husband, never a thought or a fantasy about someone else…after the urologists, family doctor, Cialis, Viagra psychiatrists, and pastoral counselling with only me initiating ” a cure” he had the gall to lay there with me in the bed night after night and talk about any piece of trash thing, trivia, jingles without so much as eye contact or a kiss ever knowing it is the most important thing in my life…I would turn to him jokingly telling him even frogs and insects want to do it as we would lay in the dark listening them to call to one another. I wrote our wedding vows and we promised to give ourselves to one another completely in every way to become one.As far as I am concerned he is a flat out liar and has misled me and has broken our vows without caring at all about my happiness or the healthy growth of our relationship and would prefer to be SICK! Why not just stick a knife in your wife and get it over with?? If all of you were so asexual why did you decide to get married in the first place and play some kind of game to make her think you were normal? It is NOT …repeat… NOT okay to be your wife’s brother, cousin, uncle or whatever the heck you think you are! You men have decided to cut yourself off, made yourselves useless for love, the greatest most wonderful of all feelings…as you sow you will reap.
Tired of all the excuses, BS, with so many others who would love to be able to just touch my hand!
rach…let go of memories of earlier amazing sexual relationships. you are living in a fantasy world…and of course your current lover will never be able to measure.
If you are longing to be touched by him initiate. there is nothing wrong with that. Husband possibly thinks you aren’t interested either especially if you are telling him you want an open relationship so you can find sexual pleasure elsewhere.
As I tried to explain earlier — my wife also lets me know how disappointed she is in our sex life. She has also made comments that she may have to find sexual satisfaction outside of our relationship. Regardless of how attracted I am too her and how much I want to touch her…I generally don’t initiate because I know if I dont’ measure to her preconceived notions of what good sex is I’m going to bring about a nasty reaction that I’d rather not encounter.
Sally,
I can really understand you saying about an open relationship, I talked to my husband about the same thing. He was angry and said he would leave me if I did that. I don’t want him to go, so once again I am back to square one.!!!!! how much longer I can go on like this I don’t know. I put TV on the other night and a sex programme was on. Husband was up in bed and so I started watching it, but I felt so guilty, I couldn’t continue watching it so I went up to bed and as usual lay there silently longing to be touched but knowing it was never going to happen. So if I can get so hung up and guilty watching TV I don’t think I could go off and have sex elsewhere, yet I am human and like you and all the others I have needs. Life is passing me by and the thought of never having a proper sex life again doesn’t bear thinking about!!! in my past I have had amazing sexual relationships, but this is too hard to accept!
Sally,
Telling your partner that you want an open relationship because….
only gets heard as “you aren’t meeting my needs so I want to look elsewhere”.
Be careful what you wish for.
I’m so frustrated with my husband, I often cry myself to sleep at night. We’ve been married 9 years and the only time we have sex is when I initiate, and even then the initiation isn’t always successful. He complains all the time about how tired he is so I won’t even bother asking. And the nights when I can get him to come to bed with me, he rolls over. I’ve tried everything from building up the day with flirty texts, to coming to bed completely nude. I work just as many hours as he does so this whole “tired” bit is ridiculous. He’s just not interested, and I don’t know how much longer I can lead a sexless life.
I was in a relationship for more than 20 years that sadly ended suddenly. However for a good portion of that relationship I tried to get my partner interested, and eventually I just gave up even trying. Funny thing was after about 5 years of leaving it up to him he suddenly noticed that I no longer tried and questioned me on it. From that point on we had a much more mutually satisfying sex life. I should mention that I pointed out the fact that we only had sex when he wanted it and that I always gave in, but he never did.
Now again I am in a relationship and the same thing is happening. I have a high sex drive he doesn’t’. The feeling of failure is stronger than it was in the last relationship and I find that I am just shutting down, not caring, and I don’t want to live that way again. I have talked about this with him several times and things improve for a bit but then go back to the same thing. He is an amazing lover when we do make love, but the frequency that we do leaves much to be desired. I have gotten so frustrated that I asked if he would be willing to have an open relationship. He asked me why I would want this I explained that it would take pressure off of him, and that it would take care of my needs as well, and that if he so wishes he could find what it is that truly makes him happy. He has not given me an answer.
I am very much in love with him, and I know that he loves me, but I need the intimate closeness that making love brings.
He knows this ans he knows that I feel like an unattractive, useless, repulsive woman because of how things are, but it still doesn’t change.
If I say anythng to my husband about him not having sex with me he freaks out. So i dont bother anymore i wait until he wants it
Wow…I’ve really heard alot , I guess I fall in the line of. The tired home from work hubsband….drive all day out in the sun & all I do is sit @ a desk in the ac……. married 1 year 11 years in total,one would think @ least on our HONEY MOON….he would touch me….NOT.fathers day I get us a room water front view…..NOT……Yeah he went to sleep……..& when I say something Imma monster I get in bed with bridal shower gifts on & NOT……sleep I don’t no what else to do…….I love him & he tells me the same but can I @ a min????just get care & concern??????
Hi my husband has never been really interested in sex, before we married he wasn’t interested, but because I love him I thought it would change once we married. He just isn’t interested he doesn’t watch porn, he doesn’t touch himself. He says he just doesn’t have a need for sex he says. he never kisses me he won’t even touch me or cuddle or hold me. If I try to touch him he makes up so many excuses then turns away. He says he loves me so much and couldn’t live without me, he says I am beautiful, but he just doesn’t have the need for sex!!On the occasions when we have had a lot to drink, he manages to get an erection so easily, but even then he still doesn’t feel the need for sex. So I know he can get erect, so in that respect he is ok. I have told him how i feel, he says its all his fault, but he can’t help it, I feel so ugly and useless, I love him, but 6 yrs on things aren’t changing
michael s – I do agree with you, I didn’t realize that you were speaking of your own experience in your original comment. I was referring to the situations that are described in the other comments here, not to your situation in particular. So yes, we do agree that badgering is no incentive to learn or to grow. I’d rather not try than get made fun of for not succeeding. There is a lot of truth in that statement.
So now that we agree, how does this help? I think you are fortunate in that you’ve been able to discern the root issue in your own relationship – how can your wife communicate her needs in a loving way that invites you in to intimacy rather than discouraging your efforts? Geri Forseberg’s article Why Can’t We Communicate? has some excellent, practical advice to help both you and your wife hear what the other is trying to say. The fact that you’re talking is good, now you just need to work on being heard. As you’ve experienced, they way we say things often speaks louder than the words themselves. If your wife thinks she is telling you what she needs and you’re not responding she is going to be just as frustrated as you are by being told in a way that is not helpful. Maybe read the article together as an introduction to discussing both your needs and hers in the bedroom?
There’s also a book you might find helpful – His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley, Jr. Currently in its 15th printing this book talks about building a strong intimate partnership in marriage. Alternately, a session of counseling might really help too. Often we mistakenly think that counseling is only for couples who are considering divorce, but in practice, counseling can do wonders to make a strong marriage even better. There are also mentors available on this site 24/7 if you’d like to talk to someone privately. Just use this form to send it a question and we’ll put you in touch with a mentor. Mentoring is a free and confidential service.
And now I think this comment is plenty long enough! I know you’re in a challenging situation, but I think you may be closer to a resolution than you realize. I hope this can help.
Great comment Claire
thanks for standing up for us – not everyone understands
the only thing to increase his staying power is consistent sex. Who cares who initiates? If your goal is to be satisfied sexually then initiate.
Some people just don’t have the same desires. But, if he’s amicable to performing when you initiate go for it. With time he’ll improve.
But, if you only initiate every couple of months you can be guaranteed he’s only going to last about thirty seconds (if that).
If you don’t believe me — test my theory. Initiate sex every night this week. Don’t criticize him when he doesn’t outlast you. Try to encourage more foreplay and show genuine interest in his pleasure also.
Perhaps even, with a little post play you can re-arouse him and get a round 2. Round 2 always lasts longer than round 1.
But, try this every night and in seven days he’ll be lasting much longer than he does tonight.
If he knows he’s going to be done before you get started and he knows you are going to bring this to his attention he isn’t going to initiate.
The only way to increase his desire to initiate is to decrease his fear of not pleasing you.
In my situation I have put up with it for 6 years. And I didn’t say anything for the first few years. And it was not until he couldn’t perform at all did I say something. We then went to the doctor thinking there was a problem and spent all the money and got the meds and still he shows no interest with me but maybe once every 2 months. Why should I try and make it work if he shows no interest. And once again it gets put at my doorstep to make it happen.
Why would I want to initiate it when i know the outcome he is done before I even get started. then he makes a joke about it, saying well its your body you should know what you are not here before I am done.
Tim and Claire,
I was trying to explain why I’ve withdrawn. I have a healthy sex drive and there isn’t anything I want more than to have a healthy intimate relationship with my wife. But, we aren’t going to achieve that if she continues to critique me when things don’t meet her expectations.
As a rule, men respond to encouragement.
I think my wife is probably oblivious to how her comments effect me. In fact, I know she is as I’ve tried to communicate her to this on several occasions. She just thinks I’m trying to prevent her from feeling.
It’s perfectly fine to feel let down by your partner sexually. But, if you continually express those feelings to your partner he will become discouraged and lose interest.
Why walk into a situation where you are going to be called a failure?
I’d rather not try than get made fun of for not succeeding.
Failure doesn’t bother me and it’s the only way we learn to get better. But, I need encouragement to overcome my failure — not badgering.
That’s true and I’d argue that’s entirely the point. The men SHOULD be trying just as hard as their wives to build a healthy sex life and for whatever reason they are not. I think that’s the root of the problem right there – what is it that the men want more than they want sex? What is keeping them from being willing to try different things? Why aren’t they bothered by a lack of sex and so motivated to do something to change it? Why have they withdrawn and left their wives to do all the work of fixing things?
I understand that, but if you read the posts some of the woman are saying that they take care of themselves and that they buy sexy clothes and try different things.
I don’t see the men in here who have be willing to try different things.
tim99 – I don’t see anyone saying that it is “only the woman’s part to change things”. Sex is a mutual activity, both partners have both the responsibility for it and the benefits of it. In any healthy relationship it can’t be reduced to “your job” and “my job” it has to be ours together.
But like I said before, why should it be only the woman’s part to change things. The men should willing to try new things.
michael s – I agree with you in principle but not in practice. As a general rule I totally agree, condemning a man’s performance (or a woman’s for that matter) is guarenteed to make them withdraw, and with good reason. It’s devastating to keep trying something you’re told you’re not good at. However, if you keep reading through the comments, you’ll find that for the vast majority of women posting here this is not the case at all. They have been encouraging, they’ve bought sexy underwear, they’ve initiated, they’ve been supportive and complimentary, they’ve worked on their appearance, they’ve tried to talk to their partner to see if there’s something else they can do, they’ve worked to create the mood to find the time and their partner is not there with them.
What breaks my heart is that these women LOVE their men, and in most of the cases here, the men love their women too but something has been damaged or has gone wrong. The healthy sex life that should be there for the mutual benefit of both is lost and they both suffer.
Chastising, blaming, comparing and complaining are all mood killers, I agree, but so is the rejection, disinterest, dismissal and lack of attention these women receive.
I have been reading these posts, and there are a lot of the posts that talk about how women have let themselves go, or woman don’t take care of themselves and that could turn a man off, well my question is, why is always the woman’s fault if their man loses interest?
I mean come on now men let themselves go a lot more than women and that is suppose to acceptable.
It is not just the woman’s responsibility to keep up her appearance to make sex life fun. It is also the man responsibility to keep up his appearance as well.
These issues are not all the woman’s fault. The males have to take some of the blame.
I have read a few more posts on here by women who are frustrated with their husband for losing interest in sex. I must ask — have you possibly done something to cause him to lose interest? If you regularly chastise him for failing you as a lover he will withdraw.
If he doesn’t last more than 2 minutes when you do have intercourse and you bring this to his attention he will withdraw.
If you compare his lovemaking skills to former lovers he will withdraw.
Bringing his flaws to the table will not motivate him — they will make him withdraw.
people not interested in good sex life should not choose married life, otherwise it will be traumatic for the other partner. Sex life adds to intimacy, dependency and keeps the married life good. the worst thing is that lack of intimacy in married life, reason whatsoever, will hurt the entire family particularly children. partners, should give in to the other partners wishes in matter of sexual needs, U will only gain not loose anything. All other thing like respect, love and care will follow. One should maintain themselves physically the best possible. Cherrish the good days, when u age
Being in a 1 1/2 yr marriage with a husband that does not touch me, kiss me, or have any sex whatsoever is difficult. I question divorce and wonder if he truly does not love me. It is though a comfort to know that there are over stressed and other non interested sexual beings out there. I love him and am attracted to him while I, myself am attractive and take care of myself, can not understand why he does not show affection towards me. I understand that in a marriage you do not NEED sex all the time, but the lack of a healthy sexual relationship with the one you love should exist. I feel that without it your relationship slowly falls apart… from the get go. Having others that hit on you and tell you how beautiful and fun you are is hard to hear because all you really want to hear it from is the one you love, not a stranger
Natalie – I don’t think the majority of those posting on this board are “forcing” anyone to do anything. Your post sounds almost hostile to that point. The point most of us are trying to make is that our significant other seems to avoid intimacy with us altogether, yet they self-stimulate while watching porn or some other gratification. I think the real issue is lack of communication about what is going on. I can only speak for myself – but if I thought the issue with my husband was that he was asexual, I would find a way to make that work. My issue is; actually, I really don’t even know what the issue is as he will not talk about it. It leaves me feeling hurt from rejection. Someone who is asexual is not rejecting you, rather, as you said, they just do not want sex. That means no sex PERIOD.
If your a marreghes man you must to now that your wife may have filling sex.
b/c woman is happiness to a man, no mater the situetion.
michael has make a misstake not to make his wife to be happy.
There ARE people who are simply asexual or who NATURALLY do not have a high sex drive. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH US FOR BEING THIS WAY! Kinsey refers to us with the letter “X” on his scale, so even *he* recognized that we do exist! I’m not ashamed of being this way: it’s other people who have had a problem with it. I refuse to try to be someone that I’m not. Even as a teen, I’ve simply never had any physical desire for anyone. I am FINE with this and it does NOT, nor has it EVER, made me unhappy.
In addition to simply not having desire, there are also practical reasons for not having sex. Birth control is not 100% reliable–even *sterilization* carries the small threat of pregnancy. Birth control for women causes blood clot, stroke, heart attack, weight gain, and other problems–SEVERAL forms of birth control (e.g., the Patch) have been removed and discontinued because they have been proven very dangerous for women to use. Too many men refuse to wear condoms–but even if they do wear them, condoms can break, be tampered with, or could be worn incorrectly. And let’s not forget about STDs, either. Some are incurable and AIDS is essentially a death sentence. Is it really worth it to risk your life and well being?
Also, it is RIDICULOUS that people cheat or mistreat people who do not want to have sex. NO ONE should EVER be forced against their will, pressured, bullied, or otherwise coerced against their wishes to do ANYTHING sexual. If sex or sexual activity is NOT consensual, then it is RAPE or ASSAULT and the person who forces themselves on the other (mentally, physically, or in any other way) is a rapist or someone who has committed sexual assault. No one “owes” anyone else sex. If someone does not give you sex, you have NO right to take it from them by force or manipulation. Period.
Hi shiela
Im 24 yrs old.We are on the same shoes i have a bf of 5 yrs
he was very loving ,caring and affectionate just like your bf. But recently when he got his new job that requires 10-12 hrs of duty mon to sat. He has less interest in sex with me. I always initiate to have sex with him. And there are times that he also refused to have sex. And im so angry at him . His explanation for that his work and he was so tired. Im trying to understand his situation coz i love him so much. Sometimes im also tempted to cheat on him but my conscience says no. Thats bad & very unreasonable to do that. I value my relationship with him and i don’t wanna loose him because of my own fault. I have talked to him about my feelings and he was very sorry for that.My advice for you is try to understand him
he needs you most at this time since you said that he was very stress.Be strong enough not to cheat my dear it will only get you in to trouble once you are caught? not unless you are ready to loose him?
What i do now personally to cope up with this situation is im trying not to think about sex.I
Focus on my work.Coz the more i think about it the more it will urge me to have sex with my bf.
What the mind conceive the body can achieve.I stopped initiating sex but im not withholding sex with him. Let him initiate not you coz it feels good when a guy initiate compare when we are the one who initiates.
Don’t worry to much!!!
keep smiling girl (“,)
Life is too short to live unhappy.
I have spent an hour researching this matter, I am completely amazed how prevalent the issue I am dealing with is; my boy friend has no interest in sex with me. He has actually improved some, which isn’t saying much, I have to initiate sex every time and it usually involves me performing oral sex and him using his hand…with no other foreplay not even kissing. I love him very much and do not want to live without him, and he says the same to me. He is extremely affectionate and takes very good care of me. He talks about our future and marriage but honestly I can’t even consider it unless the intimacy in our relationship improves. His explanation for his lack of interest is stress from work (it is major), his anxiety medication, and the fact that he gained 20+ lbs; he said he doesn’t feel good about himself and just doesn’t feel well in general. He assures me that it is not me, he tells me that he is attracted to me but it doesn’t help. I can’t help but I take it personally and it makes me feel worthless and inturn; angry,resentful and I’m begining to lose respect for him. I get a lot of attention from men (I am often told by men and women that I am beautiful, I am in very good shape and take care of myself)and have been tempted to cheat on him (but I am not promiscuos at all). We have so much fun together, he is my best friend but I am sacrificing a big part of who I am to be with him and I am very distracted by my frustration with this issue. We have gotten in many arguments and I have ended our relationship many times but he always wins me back with the things he says and because honestly, I am lost without him. I do not know what to do…would I be wrong to leave him when he is already dealing with so much stress??? I honestly do not believe I am strong enough to move on…idk. HELP!
To Michael’s post
I have been married for nine and half years and feel like i am in the shoe’s of your wife. he would just sleep next to me hugging like a baby. I can’t really enjoy it. it shows in my face. he would act as if nothing was wrong and everything is fine. that would make me feel like he doesn’t care about my needs or feelings. he hardly initiates himself. we do it may be once in a month if it is really going good or in general it’s every couple of months. I miss it so much. that creates anger in me which shows in all parts of my life. except in this area, he is actually the man of my dreams. feel so helpless.
“Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.”
This made me feel sick, you have NO idea. I don’t feel good about myself, nor do I really care about looking my best these days. You know why? Because the person who is meant to love me refused to touch me and went to hookers instead. I used to look great. But this has destroyed me.
I do love my wife and I do have sexual desires and many times I fantasize about different ways we make love.
Unfortunately when it comes down to the actual act I often do not last as long as she’d like. I try to overcome this by giving her foreplay and bringing her to orgasm; but, she really enjoys orgasm through penetration.
If I dare release before her she gets visibly upset and angry and subsequently I lose my erection.
Other times if she feels I am trying to control the cadence she calls this to my attention and again I lose my erection because I’ve disappointed her.
I want nothing more than to please my wife intimately; but, I’m so worried about letting her down that it’s caused me to lose confidence in my abilities.
Sometimes we do have wonderful lovemaking sessions. But, unfortunately the times it doesn’t go so great make a larger impression on me because she’s unable to mask her frustration.
I know it’s not right of me to expect her not to feel; but, I’ve been unable to become this lover she craves.