I love my husband dearly, but I also married him because it was my only way out of that situation. I was young and desperate. I needed love and security.

I guess I have love and security now to some extent, but now I wonder if we should have had marriage counseling prior to getting married. I try to be a good wife but I’m not sure whether my best is good enough.

As I stated before, my husband doesn’t seem to want children and this is a problem because I do. I grew up an only child and I never truly felt loved by my family. My mother loved me but her priorities were out of whack sometimes…she tended to put the needs/wants/feelings of other people above mine, especially when it came to men. My stepfather abused me for years and she did nothing about it.

I need to feel a sense of wholeness, of belonging. I still feel completely empty in my marriage.

I feel like the two main issues in my marriage are the lack of sex and the fact that my husband doesn’t want children. He won’t communicate with me on either issue. I drop subtle hints, but he simply blows me off. He is not the kind of person who can talk openly and honestly about certain things…he would rather pretend that things are fine.

I feel guilty for feeling this way, because he is a good guy otherwise. He isn’t mean or abusive. He provides for me and takes care of me. Some women would love to have a man like him. Believe me, I do love him very much. I appreciate all the things he has done. He rescued me from a terrible situation.

But it is painful living with somebody who only cares about sports and his job. I feel more like his friend or sister than his wife. I could walk around in nothing but high heels and there would be no response. It’s just like, “Sweetie, I’m trying to watch the game here”.

I can’t fix him or change him, but I am trying to control how I feel. I know that when we were dating, he didn’t find me all that physically attractive. He would make comments that were a bit insensitive. I was thinner then but still not pretty enough by most people’s standards. He liked having sex with me back then, though. Now it seems that he would rather do anything but that.

I believe there is a certain type of woman that he is physically attracted to. I’m the opposite of that. I can’t help but feel that if I looked a certain way, he would be all over me. When we were dating, he complained that his ex was boring and frigid and uptight about sex.

I told him he didn’t have to worry about that with me, because I love sex. Now I wonder if he was actually the one with the problem, instead of her.

Anyway, I seem to be having a bit of a problem. My husband of 3 years isn’t really interested in sex. I’m in the same boat as the rest of you.

He is 42 and I’m 28. I’m not sure if it is because he is older or what, but he doesn’t seem to be interested in sex and I am frustrated.

I’m trying to be understanding about it, but I feel lonely and unwanted. His lack of sexual interest in me is hurting my self-confidence…I have low self-esteem to begin with.

He complains of being tired all the time or says his back hurts, but he still finds time to work out on a daily basis. He finds time to watch sports and he is more excited about baseball than having sex with me.

I know I’m overweight. I know I’m not skinny anymore. I wear a size 10. But I’m not repulsive either. I’m not gorgeous but I’m still very attractive in my own way. I have a very high sex drive. I wear makeup and fix my hair. I care about my appearance. I’m sweet, funny, kind, and intelligent.

I feel like he is either making excuses or there is some other issue I’m unaware of. Could there be somebody else in his life? Is it a medical problem? Does he not like sex anymore? Or is it me?

This is really affecting my self-confidence and my faith in my marriage. I don’t believe in being unfaithful, because infidelity violates my moral code…but lately I feel like I could be tempted into having an affair because my physical needs aren’t being met. But I love my husband with all my heart. I find him attractive. I want him to desire me, too.

We don’t have children because he doesn’t want to. I feel like we are really good friends, which is wonderful, but I want more. I want passion and lovemaking and the thrill of being desired. Our marriage is just “safe”…it is boring, bland, and predictable. We’re about to go on vacation soon but I doubt sparks will fly then.

He is affectionate but not sexual at all. I’m lucky if we do it once a month. I’m the one who always tries to initiate sex. He only seems to want sex when I’m tired or ill or depressed to the point of crying.

I feel so undesirable now. My last relationship ended badly and now I am married to a man who loves me but lacks interest in me sexually. I feel like it is somehow my fault. I feel like I’m not pretty enough. Maybe if I were prettier, he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off me.

I want him to look at me. I want him to notice me. I want him to shower me with attention and sincere compliments. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been feeling like I need to lose weight so I can be a size 6 again, change my appearance, and wear more provocative clothes just to get his attention. I feel like flirting with other men in front of him just to make him jealous…at least I could get his attention that way.

I’ve wondered if he is seeing somebody else but I’m not sure. I completely relate to where both Maya and AJ are coming from. And Whitnie, too…I feel your pain. The lack of sexual attention/desire on his part drives me nuts. I’m still young and I want to be flirty with my husband. I tried to initiate sex once and he patronizingly told me I was “cute”. Really? There’s nothing cute about that. It’s pathetic. It makes me feel like he would rather do anything but be intimate with me.

We’ve only had good sex a few times, but he is mostly focused on his own pleasure, if you know what I mean. He expects me to have sex when he wants to, but he never wants to do it when I want to.

To “a man’s perspective”…I respect what you are saying, but you also need to understand why your girlfriend feels the way she does. People tend to make women feel that we aren’t pretty enough or sexy enough. Porn can definitely be a problem in some relationships. There will always be some other woman who is throwing herself at married men and that is a problem, too.
I know that in my experience, I feel a lot of pressure to look a certain way and to be a certain way. Most women want to keep their partners happy and if he doesn’t seem to be interested in sex, we assume it is our fault.

So it is fine to not be in the mood sometimes but you also need to communicate with her. Remind her that she is still sexy to you. Make her feel special. That is the least you can do. Bring her flowers, flirt with her, make her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. My husband is a good guy but he doesn’t do these things. It is OK if you don’t want sex sometimes but you need to communicate.

I am sorry to hear that you’ve had a rough start to your marriage. It’s never easy when our expectations go unmet. It sounds like you are really trying to help the situation improve which is a good thing. I think it shows that you think your marriage is worth fighting for and I agree. It sounds like your husband is also trying but something is making this really hard for him. Have you considered going to counselling together? I know that some people think that counselling is just for couples that are thinking about divorce, but that’s not true at all. Counselling is an excellent resource for couples who are working on their marriage and want to make it stronger.

There could be a whole host of things that are causing issues for your husband. It could be that he’s really stressed. He might be overwhelmed at the idea of having as much sex as you would like and so not having any is easier. Perhaps there’s a way to meet in the middle and go from there? A counsellor can give you some excellent, practical strategies to improve your sex life.

What happens in the bedroom is affected by what happens outside the bedroom. How is your husband in other areas of your life? Does he seem happy? Is he nervous about the baby? Are you financially comfortable? Is he happy in his work? Are his parents supportive? Does he have hobbies? Is he working really hard? It may help to work on the non-sexual parts of your relationship. Strengthening that might help in the bedroom as well. If he feels like the only time you guys talk is when you’re talking about wanting more sex it could make the whole idea of intimacy very stressful. Try working on being close to him with your clothes on and see if that helps. If he feels closer to you emotionally it might help him feel close physically as well.

Make sure that you affirm him as often as possible. Sex problems are hard on both partners. You are feeling alone and undesired and really miss the sex. He is probably not feeling great about it either. Remind him often that you love him, that you are glad that you are married, that you’re excited about the baby. Make sure he feels supported and not attacked. Tell him that the pregnancy is changing the way you feel about your body and you need him to tell you that you’re still attractive.

Most importantly, don’t move on. Don’t let your mind think about moving on. Don’t say the words “I wonder if I should stay.” Take divorce off the table entirely. If your mind wanders over to it, stop that thought. Every marriage has hard times and every marriage has moments when either partner could choose to walk away. Marriages last because people choose to be together and they do the work to grow together rather than growing apart. I read a great quote on marriage from a lady who has been married almost 30 years and it really spoke to me.

“Often we think [in marriage], we love each other, we live in the same house, that’s enough. NO IT’S NOT. You must very consciously, deliberately, daily make deposits into the life of that person that you love.” - Helen Burns

I would challenge you to follow her advice. See what you are doing every day to invest in your husband and see if that makes a difference.

Yes their are times when a man does not desire his wife and he can’t perform so to speak. Their are a number of reasons why this might be occurring first it might be a medical issue and then it is a good idea to see a doctor. Often though it might be because the husband has deeper issues that has not been dealt with and to deal with them internet porn happens and this type of behavior is unnataurl. The guilt sets for the temporary relief that occurs which has the effect of not wanting to have sex with his wife because fantasy often seems better than reality.

The solution to all of this is often overlooked and the solution to intimacy is to work on the spiritual relationship with Christ. When was the last time that you as a couple have prayed together and read the Bible? Yes in I Cor. 7: 3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s sexual needs. However if the relationship with Christ is not strong because in the beginning of the relationship it was based on sex and their was no spiritual foundation. Often when a couple builds the spiritual foundation then the attraction towards the spouse becomes stronger as the Holy Spirit becomes evident in their life. Many couples live defeated lives as a result of the sex issue however often it is has more to do then the spouse does not desire her. There very well maybe physical issue however when you work on becoming closer to Christ then it is not an embarrassment to visit a doctor. Then you can decide the best solution as their are many natural herbal that might help but consult your doctor. Pray for Christ to reveal to you through the Holy Spirit what the issue is and God will but it demands getting on your knees and crying to God for help. God Bless

Let me pray for you: Heavenly Father I pray for Angela and her husband. There is mistrust, hurt and anger in their relationship that is pulling them further and further apart. They need Your help to bring healing and true love and unity back into their lives. I pray that as Angela talks with one of our online mentors Your Spirit would give wisdom and direction towards understanding and healing. Amen.

My relationship w/my husband outside of our sexual relationship is great. We both care very much about each other, we cater to each other in everything else, we help each other out with what the other may need, we have fun, we like doing the same things together and enjoy spending time together, it’s as if we are best friends having a good time together. When it comes to sex it is only when he wants it which sometimes can take from 7 days – 2 weeks before he approaches me. I have tried in the past to initiate and he tells me to go to sleep or if I try to touch him he says it tickles him. You say I should accept him the way he is, in other words settle for him having sex with me once to three times a month, but by me accepting him the way he is, then that means I am the one having to change how I am, and therefore, he would not be accepting me as I am. This is why i tell him, meet me 1/2 way and I will meet you 1/2 way. To me it is not just about sex. He does not want to cuddle, he does not want to kiss me intimately, he rarely holds my hand, there is such a lack of desire of him wanting to be affectionate with me even outside of sex. I rarely get any kind of affection from him and it is the loneliest feeling ever. You are right our relationship outside of sex has to be good before we can have a good sexual relationship, well in my case, our relationship outside of sex is WONDERFUL that’s why this hurts even more because EVERYTHING ELSE IS GREAT. We don’t even argue about finances. He says that he loves me so much and that he is so attracted to me, but how can anyone say those things to you and not want to be intimate with you or even want to be touched by you. Brenda Miller, no one knows what this is like, until they experience it themselves. Believe me IT HURTS REALLY BAD and brings your self-esteem down so much that you start doubting yourself in everything you do.