Second, I understand that it is awkward to talk through this with your husband when nothing has changed from past conversations but there are very few effective options besides that. I agree that you need to make sure he doesn’t feel like you are nagging at him or criticizing him but that you express your desire to understand this together. Deal with the problem as a team rather than letting it force you into opponents. This will take some creativity and a lot of intentional realignment of your support for one another.

Heavenly Father, I pray for this couple that they would be able to work through this issue together. Guide their conversation towards mutual support and understanding. Bring people into their lives that can help them find solutions to the problem. Use this struggle as a path of growing stronger together as they work hard to love an understand each other. Amen.

I’ve been married for less than 2 yrs and our issues started about a year ago. It seems to be stress related that had nothing immediately to do with our marriage but in the home. I wont share the issues publicly other than to say that I am in constant prayer. While some stresses have improved, our sex life hasn’t. I’m at a loss. I know this is something that God can help me through…but in the meantime, I am struggling. Definitely feel like I am being tested but feel like I am failing. Need a mentor for sure.

You also need to have patience and be willing to try different ways of dealing with the issue. Your love and commitment to each other deserves everything you can do to figure out how to make this work in your marriage. You need to be creative in the way you communicate. Keep in mind your goal is not to communicate in a way that makes sense to you but in the way that helps your husband understand you. And his goal should be to listen in such a way that lets you know that he has heard and understands your needs. That takes time but the rewards are more than worth the investment.

My heart goes out to you. What you have been through and are going through is incredibly, incredibly difficult. Did you have a chance to scroll back through any of the previous posts? There was a woman named Ann who posted here, with similar heartbreak, and then received a reply from Claire Colvin. I am re-posted Claire’s message, hopefully to encourage you.

If you would like to connect with a mentor, click on the “Talk to a mentor” link at the top right of this page.

Here is Claire’s message from October 25, 2011 at 5:10 pm:

Oh Anna, I am so sorry to read this. My heart hurts for you. I’ve been sitting here trying to think of what to say and I am truly not sure. I cannot give you back the years that you have suffered alone. But as I type this I’m reminded of a verse in the book of Joel (2:25 to be precise) where God is speaking and he says, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten”. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a field after locust have passed by, but there’s basically nothing left. They eat everything down to the stub. If you feel like that, like you’re left holding just the stub of your life, know that God can and will redeem that. Your story is not over yet. There is more to come.
I imagine that you must feel very alone. Is there somewhere where you can get some community? Are you part of church or a small group? Do you volunteer? Is there a place where you are wanted and needed and useful? I know that it won’t replace what you are missing, but it might help you to bear it. A friend of mine says that everyone needs a place away from home that feels like home. Do you have somewhere like that? I know that you have not been able to have children of your own, is there a place where you can be in the lives of children? Does your city have a reading program in their elementary schools? They are often looking for people to come and read with the kids. Are you into sports? Is there a league that could use help? There are people who need you, people who’s faces will light up when they see you coming, people who are glad you’re here. You need to find them. Think about what it is that you love best and find the other people who are doing that.
it was cruel of your husband to tell you that he doesn’t know why you got married. The truth of it is that he may have forgotten, but there was a time when he chose you, a time when you chose each other. No one held a gun to his head and forced the marriage vows from his lips. He may not know now, but he did know once. He didn’t just wake up one morning married. He chose. There are responsibilities inherent in getting married. Companionship in general and sex to be specific are totally normal and healthy and usual expectations. As much as you can, refuse to accept his suggestion that this is your fault. It may be partially your fault, but very very rarely in marriage is a situation entirely one partner’s doing.
It breaks my heart to hear you say that you wasted your life. Your life is not over. So what do you differently, now today, to make sure that tomorrow is not wasted? You are not a prude for wanting to have sex with your husband. You are not someone to be shut away. The world needs you. You mentioned that your husband is a very lonely person. Has he dragged you into his loneliness as well? Do you stay home because he won’t come with you? Try going out anyway – not out on a date – but out with friends, out to the park or the theatre, or out to dinner. Do you have a pet? A dog might help. Again, it’s not going to replace a husband, but it can be very therapeutic to have something that enjoys your touch, something that comes to you rather than turning away. Did you know that cats and dogs have been shown to reduce blood pressure? Also, a dog in particular will get you out of the house and into the neighbour for walks everyday. It will get you to the park where you’ll meet other dog people. There are puppies and older dogs in humane societies across the country looking for homes right now. If things are stressful at home, an older dog might be a really good choice because he or she would already been trained and would likely bother your husband less. Something to consider.
I’ve never met a person yet who was genuinely un-interesting. I highly doubt that you are the first. I think your husband is wrong. I think he’s saying these things to blame you so that you’ll back off and stop mentioning it. It’s a weapon, shame, a powerful one. Refuse to believe it. Ask him if there is something non sexual that he would like to do together. See if he has an interest you can join him in. I know it’s hard to be the one to do the work when you’re also the one who has been wronged, but take action. He’ll never see it coming :)
I don’t know if you believe in prayer, but I do, so this is what I prayed for you today:
Dear God,
I pray that you would be with Anna today. I hear the hurt and the loneliness in her words and it makes my heart sad. I pray that you would be very close to her and comfort her. She must feel so alone, remind her that she is yours. Remind her of how much you love her. Help her to find a place where she fits in. If a dog could help I pray that you would provide exactly the right one. If there’s somewhere she can get involved, show it to her. I pray for her husband, that you would soften his heart just as you softened the heart of a Pharaoh all those years ago (but without the plagues please!). I pray that you would remind him of why he married his wife, and stir up the cold embers where love used to burn bright. Restore them to each other Father. What you have joined together let no man, not even her husband, put asunder. Thank you for loving Anna more than she can understand. Amen.