Asking the Right Questions
A non-defensive question gently invites others to speak and share their thoughts, feelings and beliefs without fearing that we will use the information against them. It is a quest for information that is never harsh, leading, interrogating, or accusing.
A non-defensive question is:
- Innocent
It is not tainted with underlying opinions or agendas. It is eager to learn and understand. It has no goal beyond wanting to know and clarify the other person’s perspective. It is innately curious.
- Neutral
A non-defensive question is calm and relaxed. It is not laden with emotional intensity or tied to emotional stakes. It is posed in a neutral tone. (Making the tone of one’s voice stay the same or go down at the end of the question – instead of going up, as traditionally taught – conveys more neutrality) A neutral question gives the hearer permission to respond honestly, without feeling that the person asking is expecting or demanding a specific response.
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- Focused
A non-defensive question is focused on the other person’s perspective rather than on the speaker’s own thoughts, feelings and beliefs about that perspective. It puts the other person in the spotlight and focuses on seeing things from their point of view. It focuses on: “What is this person thinking and feeling, and why?”
- Open
A non-defensive question does not dictate or manipulate how the other person responds. It is a genuine invitation for the other person to speak honestly about what they think and feel. It indicates that the asker is open to hearing all information – even negative feedback.
Check whether your questions are non-defensive. Ask yourself:
- I: Is my question innocent and curious? Is it free of opinions and agendas?
- N: Is my voice neutral? Am I feeling calm and relaxed?
- F: Am I focused on the speaker and not on myself?
- O: Am I open to hearing the answer? Have I given up the need to control the answer?
Adapted from Conversation Peace
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