Romancing Your Wife

Written by Dave Klassen

Romance your wifeGuys, let’s face it. Some of us have a long way to go in the romance department. We know our wife wants it, we know we’re supposed to do it, but it just doesn’t come naturally to us.

When we first begin to court a woman, our step is lighter and our inner Romeo is unleashed. Driven to win her heart, romantic creativity seems to flow easily. Every day is a new surprise: flowers, candies, love notes and dates. However, when “I want to marry this woman” turns into “We’re married for life,” we often settle into a nice, comfortable rut. The stretches between our romantic efforts grow longer and longer, until we rely on Hallmark’s annual reminder that it’s Valentine’s Day.

I remember the night I realized that I had been dropping the romance ball. It was almost midnight, and my wife suddenly remembered she’d forgotten to buy some string licorice, which she needed the next morning for Sunday school. She asked me if I’d go out to the store to get some for her. So I dutifully headed off to our local Mac’s store. Unfortunately, they didn’t have what I was looking for, so I drove home preparing to tell her that she was going to have to think of something else to use.

Then it struck me, like a lightning bolt out of the clear blue sky. When we were first dating, I wouldn’t have given up so easily. When my damsel was in distress, I alone stood to save her! Back then I would have stayed up all night if necessary, checking every store in town for string licorice!

In a moment of romantic bliss I turned the car around and headed for another store, then another, and another. I was love-struck once again. Thankfully it didn’t take me all night – just 45 minutes. It was a small price to pay to show my wife that she was loved.

And that’s what romance is really all about. When men think of romance, we often connect it to the desired end result – sex. It could be because we’re often told, “If you would only romance me more…” Nevertheless, end result shouldn’t be our focus. Romance is often little more than making my wife smile.

We also mistakenly think that romance always requires a five-star production. We picture hours of elaborate and expensive preparations for an event that she will never forget. But sometimes simple is better than complex, and the element of surprise can be our greatest ally. Our wives want to feel cherished for who they are and thought of when they feel they’ve been forgotten. They want to be noticed, pampered, listened to and, more than anything, fed mounds of luscious chocolate. Actually, what they really want is just to be shown a little appreciation.

Maybe you want to romance your wife, but your stockpile of ideas is running low. If you’re looking for something other than dinner and a movie, here are a few ideas to get you started.

1. Flower power - Now, you may be thinking, “Flowers? I thought you said this was going to be creative!” Well, hold on there. You may have done the flower thing before, but an old idea can be given new life. The next time you buy your wife flowers, think outside the box. Most florists sell small glass vases for one or two dollars. Buy a dozen or so roses, and the same number of vases. Put one rose in each vase, and hide them all over the house – in the kitchen, the laundry room, the bathroom, the closet, the bedroom. Then attach a pink paper heart to each one, telling her something you appreciate about her – something like, “I really appreciate the way you do my laundry every week.” Put a note on the front door saying, “You are now entering the Romance Zone – Heart Hats required!” Then get out of the house and allow her to discover it on her own!

2. Quotes for your queen - A picture may be worth a thousand words, but a thousand words can paint quite a picture! Enter “love quotes” or “romance quotes” into an Internet search engine. Print out the best thoughts of romantics down through the ages, and cut them out individually. Then tape them all over the house for your beloved to find (this idea will also go over big with your daughters). Sometimes, the best way to express our heart is by borrowing somebody else’s words. On the other hand…

3. Roses are red, violets are blue - Why not try to write your own poetic masterpiece? Now wait, before you laugh, realize that your poetry does not have to compare favourably to Ralph Waldo Emerson for you to be able to do this. Remember that whole, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” thing. What you think is the world’s worst poem could have your wife praising you as a literary genius, simply because you cared enough to express your love in this way. So dust off your quill pen and start writing!

4. A song in your heart - If you’re anything like me, you may have a lot of singing in you but it just doesn’t seem to come out very well. Find one of those instant recording studios at the mall and record her favourite song. Gather some of your buddies together, call yourselves the Love Connection or some other romantic name, and sing the song. Alternatively, buy an album with your old dating music on it and play it before you take her out for dinner, or end the night with a dance in the middle of your ballroom (I mean, living room).

5. Why reinvent the wheel? - Leave a message on the answering machine, “I just called to tell you I appreciate you and wanted to say I love you.” Send her an e-mail message, referring her to a web site that has a poem or love song you like. Or how about digging out one of those old love letters you wrote her and resending it via the mail, with a “P.S. I still feel this way” added at the bottom.

6. The perfect picnic - One day at lunch, pick up her favourite food: Chinese take-out, pizza, sushi, an all desert buffet – whatever she likes. Bring it home and slip it into a picnic basket. Lay out a blanket on your living room floor, maybe even in front of a crackling fire, and enjoy a romantic meal for two.

7. Heart attack - About a week ahead of time, send her an e-mail that says, “Beware: the King of Hearts is going to strike.” Buy a huge bag of red cinnamon hearts, chocolate hearts, plastic hearts or paper hearts – as many different types as you can find. Hide them everywhere you can think of: in her drawers, her purse, her cupboards and her pockets. When she opens her wallet at the grocery store, hearts fall out. When she lowers the sun visor in her car, hearts rain down on her. The more bothersome the better (without seriously inconveniencing her, of course)! Actually, inconvenience may be a good thing!

8. All-inclusive dinners - If you want to give your wife a fabulous evening out, but you feel overwhelmed by planning all the details, consider an all-inclusive dinner offered by many hotels and restaurants (especially around Valentine’s Day). You pay one price, covering dinner, wine, dessert, and a pair of tickets to the theatre or a sporting event (note: if you’re trying to make your wife smile, only take her to a sporting event if she actually likes sports!). This is an easy way to plan an elaborate, memorable evening together.

As I have done the unexpected things I wouldn’t normally do to express my feelings to my wife, I’ve discovered how much fun it actually is to surprise someone. Even more importantly, as I have set up some of these things, I have been reminded how much I still love my wife. Above all, remember that romance is spelled E-F-F-O-R-T. It is fun, but it is also work. Take the time to study your wife; get a masters degree in pleasing her. Learn what it is that sets her heart fluttering, and then get to it!

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40 Responses to “Romancing Your Wife”

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God.

    Lord I lift up my friend to You at this time in there life, that you will guide them with these ideas, as they seek You first and let You take full control of the issues in there marriage, in Jesus name Amen

  • Bafana says:

    That was good hey sometimes you need ideas from others to revamp your marriage. I have to try some of your ideas I think she will love it

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Thank you for your response. It is encouraging when the spouse makes kind gestures.

  • Crystina says:

    Great ideas and I am always looking for more ideas. My husband gave me a sketch of my wedding dress. It was the most romantic gesture/gift ever.

  • Aldo Aldo says:

    Brian, my wife and I have been married over fifty-two years, and I have found that it brings her a tremendous amount of joy when I do the things which I have not normally done throughout our life together. She has never asked me to do them believing that it was her duty, while I had things which were my duty. I began helping her to make the bed, cook dinner, wash the dishes, run the vacuum, and at times wash the clothes. I also hug and kiss her more often.

    At this point, romancing her in this way is of far greater importance to us than we have realized.

  • Brian says:

    God bless you. My wife & I are approaching our 14 year mark of marriage this November. Romance is something I too lost years ago. All I grew to know was work, ministry, provide and to simply love her. This article was just the help I needed. As a matter of a fact I believe my wife has given up on me romance wise. Now I have confidence in myself to right my wrongs and provide what she needs. Which is romance! God bless you.

  • Shawna says:

    And guys it doesn’t have to take money to do it!

  • Shawna says:

    Totally apreciate this message. This is what I have been wanting. Maybe my husband will see it. He is a great man and I wouldn’t leave him . I just need the romance its been missing for years.

  • Gordon says:

    I appreciate most of what I have read in the comments, and take the opportunity to add mine. After 52 years I still clearly remember what we did on our wedding night. Before hopping into bed we read together the most beautiful description of love that we have ever come across. It is found in the Bible at 1 Corinthians chapter 13. We made it the basis of our marriage and have enjoyed almost 52 years of tension and disharmony-free relationship. One other thing – our’s has been a threesome! We two with God taking a central place. I can do no better than recommend you do the same.

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    John and Brenda H, I am so sorry that this site has given you guys a vehicle to speak hurtfully at each other. That was not what this site was intended for and so I have removed your comments. I don’t want either one of you to have something in written form that will continue to fuel your conflicts. I highly recommend that the two of you find a marriage counselor who can help you communicate your hurts and disagreements with each other in order to find a solution.

    I also believe that God can help bring healing to your marriage. He is amazing at taking our broken lives and transforming them into something beautiful. So let me pray for you: Heavenly Father, I pray for John and Brenda’s marriage. You know the turmoil that their disagreements have created in both of their hearts. You see the way that they have grown steadily more distant from each other. I pray Lord that You would bring healing and wholeness to their marriage. Guide them to people who can help and encourage them. Reveal to them the transforming power of Your love and bring new life to each one. Amen.

    John and Brenda, let me suggest as well that you can connect with our online mentors who can be a safe place to share your hurt. Just fill out the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor and one of our mentors will respond with an email. I will be praying for you both.

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    John H, I’d give you the same advice I gave an earlier poster – get a copy of the book The Five Love Languages and find out what how your wife hears love. If she receives love through time spent together then your words, no matter how lovely they are may ring false for her. In the same way if someone’s love language was quality time and their spouse kept giving them presents, the gifts might feel like a cheap cop out for what they really wanted, time together.

    I can understand why your wife didn’t respond so well to the “Melt Your Man’s Heart” tool. Imagine how differently she might have responded if the conversation had gone like this:
    “Hi Honey, I found this tool, “How to Melt Your Wife’s Heart” and I need you to fill in some answers for part of it. Could you do that for me?” The tool you had sounded like it was aimed at making things better for you, rather than making things better for your marriage. It’s like if she had cooked you dinner and you turned around and said “Hey here’s a great recipe so that you can improve and do better next time.” Do you see how she might not have heard it the way you intended?

    It definitely does take two to create romance, but it also takes a willingness from both, you have to be open to being romanced. Sometimes when there is a communication breakdown, or when one partner has been hurt, they are resistant to romance because it feels like the other partner is trying to be romantic INSTEAD of apologizing/fixing/working through the thing that went wrong. It can feel like a cover-up, or like the other person is refusing to admit that something is wrong. If you’ve been trying to be romantic and it has not been received well, ask your wife if she’s okay. Ask if you have hurt or offended her in some way.

  • Doris Beck Doris says:

    Glad you enjoyed this article Chris!

  • chris says:

    thanks

  • Adrych mkato says:

    I second the purview taken to address ‘romancing your wife’…welldone people.would also say promote your time you spend in the bed room….just apprecite each other …the private parts nature…play ….laugh..stay there …someone says…make your spouse NO.1…its this understanding that I suppose our Lord started with a man and woman ie fathr and mother…NOT sons or daughters or uncles or siblings etc husband ,wife first please.

  • B. Miller Brenda says:

    It is wonderful that you love our site so much, Gasolina! I have to say that I am in complete agreement with you! And I just have to add that Dave’s article on romance is tremendous! Thanks so much for this, Dave!

  • Gasolina says:

    hey, i love your site guys. and i love every letter of every word u wrote. and i love the biblical reference as well. big ups!!

  • Doris Beck Doris says:

    I would have to agree with you Shaun! I too think that things will always get better with romancing…and that goes both directions in a relationship! thinking the best of one other is also a good rule to live by(see I Corinthians 13 as an example). thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment!

  • Things Will get better with romancing. Having a positive mindset is the key to everything!

  • Jami Peterson jpetes says:

    Kelly, thank you for taking the time to comment here. We’re always happy to hear when our articles are helpful. Congratulations on your new relationship. It is so encouraging to see how God can work through all things that leave us broken like your divorce did. I pray that others would be encouraged by your story. As you continue forward in your new love I pray that the Lord would continue to guide you and your son as well.

  • Kelly says:

    My divorce from my wife was extremely hard on my son, whom I have custody of, and I, but it has been a year and a half since, and it took much prayer and studying to even begin to think it was possible to give my heart completely to another woman ever again. The very belief of the institution of marriage was challenged in me, but Gods love and patience and guidance through his word taught me what true love and romance is, all over again. God romances us and pursues us throughout the whole bible. The bible is a story of love that was broken, but also how our God has constantly made provisions and efforts to pursue us, and reunite our relationship with him. In saying all this, I believe man needs to learn what love and romance is from the only true source, because God is love. My faith in love and marriage has been rekindled, over the past months, and I finally asked out a woman I’ve been interested in and friends with for the past year. Our relationship is going very well, and I am confident that I know what and how to love someone now. Love is unselfish. It is the giving of yourself. It is pursuing her as if she is the grand prize , because she is. I thank God for teaching me, and being patient with me as I am able to learn what love is. I’m still learning. Much of the sources and information on this sight are very good. I’ve read several of the books mentioned, but if you’re in a troubled relationship, or need helrekindling a flame, pick up the book “Love Dare”, and ask God to open up your heart to learn how to love all over again.

  • Doris Beck Doris says:

    Romancing your wife means different things to different people. Husbands should be students of their wives(and vice versa) and know what their love languages are and what will minister to them. Brian’s ideas of flowers in vases everywhere would really romance one person where another(like Steve) just sees a waste of vases. Isn’t it great that we are all different!!!

  • Catherine says:

    There are basic principles to show you love someone. Such as listening to your partner more than you speak. Also put their interests before your own. That can apply to everyday decisions you make together, their needs, or doing activities they want to do instead of insisting having things your way. Have deep respect for one another. Its all about being selfless. If you apply these principles then you will have romance.

  • Steve says:

    Brian, you did great. Your wife is either depressed or cheating on you. But before you jump to conclusions, have her examined by a physician. Good luck to the both of you.

  • Steve says:

    Generally good advice. But your advice about a bunch of flowers, each in a single vase is awful. Besides wasting money, you are wasting vases. Just doing something sweet and considerate with sweet words go a very long way. Show that you care and appreciate her. Show her that you love her. Do something that shows a good deal of effort. Writing poems works great in that respect. Take her for a long walk and hold her hand. Stop and embrace her. Look deeply into her eyes, tell you how much you love her. Tell her how she has grown more beautiful with each passing day as your love has grown. Cook her a meal, playing music while you do as she relaxes. Set a bath for her, with candles and soft music. Shampoo her hair for her. These things hardly cost any money, but go a very long way. Make a path of rose petals with notes along the way, that finally end with the bath you set for her. Once you get started being a romantic, it becomes easier and goes such a long way. But keep it up.

  • Doris Beck Doris says:

    I agree Kathy, taking time to communicate is so huge in a marriage and I know in our marriage it definitely encourages me when my husband does that! Thanks for coming to our site and taking the time to comment!

  • Bernard Bernard says:

    I did the love note (Poems) thing last weekend. It’s funny, I wrote three poems and hid them in the bed. When my wife turned off the light and got in bed they flew out and I had to tell her the next morning where they were. Well, I guess I will keep trying. Next weekend I am taking her to the movie…It’s much safer. Keep trying guys…sometimes it works and sometimes it works.

  • Monroe says:

    My husband has been deployed for 11 months now and will be home in another 2, I was searching for different romantic ideas we could both do for each other. Mainly because after being seperated by distance and time the romance can be quiet hard to keep alive. I do have to say tho it is a 2 way street, and I agree with the 5 different ways of romance. Maybe all I want is my husband to hold me while he watchs tv, maybe he is thinking I expect this grand gesture of his love. Maybe all he wants is for me to tell him how much I appreciate him and I think he is expecting something bigger. Love really is simple I believe we are the ones that complicate it. One thing I have learned over my life of being seperated by deployments from my husband is that if you want love you have to open yourself to it, you have to really listen to the other person, you have to communicate what you need exactly. And never never let a day go by where you arent doing 2 things: 1. help your loved one, can be as small as picking up after yourself or as big as cooking them dinner. 2. Telling them how much you love and appreciate what they do for you. This goes a long way!

  • Mark says:

    Keep GOD FIRST ALWAYS << my wife said that was the problem, i think i am god and she doesnt,
    hehe sorry, just not into religion, but thats another topic.

    anyhow, good article and well done on the writer. while i am from england my wife is chinese and we live in china and my chinese is quite poor.

    however i will try some of these things just with some poorly translated notes :-) some of these things i have done already (she has not worked since we met and now shes a mother she will have another 50 year vacation)

    unfortunately she really hates spending money (even if its money i earnt) example is her wedding ring, i bought her a nice ring, not to expensive not to cheap. She picked up another ring for 5usd and wears that instead, i can only guess that she doesnt like to wear expensive things.

    she was mortified when i bought a motorbike for 300usd instead of taking the bus, and even more mortified when i bought her a beautiful display of flowers. however when it comes to family (ie someone else), no price is too much.

    it definitely depends on the woman as people are very different.

  • joe says:

    First of all Jess, I’d hardly say “changing of sexuality” has anything to do with throwing in the towel. Probably means the marriage wasn’t really a two-way street in the first place. Just so we’re clear.
    Anyway, I don’t see why doing something from a boring romantic comedy would excite a woman. Why not think creatively about what really makes your spouse happy, something more than JUST flowers (sure flowers are nice, and shouldn’t be forgotten, but do that 20 times and don’t expect the same reaction). Your spouse is not “a woman like all other women”, she is a specific person who has her own unique things that make her tick. Maybe she loves photography? Maybe she loves to watch football? Who knows, but the spouse certainly should know.

  • Jess says:

    Great article at a time when so many people throw in the towel (divorce, long / recurring affairs, change of sexuality, etc…). And it really is the little things that collectively make our hearts beam and our cheeks glow. @ Dee: awesome response. Always put God first and make Him the foundation of and leading force in your lives. You advised not to stop doing what worked from the beginning. Right. If it worked from the beginning, then don’t quit on the winning formula.

  • dee says:

    I feel that if you don’t stop doing the things that you did from the begining. Then you won’t have any problems.Somthing as simple as opening the door for your wife or running her some bath water or paying a bill so she can by a pair of shoes (etc). My wife an I are 13 years in and things can get a little redundet at time(Take my advice fella’s don’t CHANGE WHAT YOU STARTED). Keep GOD FIRST ALWAYS Dee

  • panda says:

    well to all of yall do u think that we all have the same issues but its not with us its with life in general tareing us a part too much work to long hours and not enough money to pay just daily living bills .. gee i got on here looking for answers but found that i am not alone… with the same problems but to the guys and gals if we all give this problem to GOD and let him take care of us… i know iam saying this but i need to take my own advice.. but iam human just like all of you an its hard to talk to my husband as well we have been maried for 13yrs this is my 3rd marriage but has been the best one i have ever had… but life has tacken a tole on me i feel young but my body and leggs hurt after working all day standing/walking…iam 11 yrs older than my husband iam 48 and he is 35 we met when i was his age and he was 23 i thought he was older.. so our first years were wild and good but theese last few have been a strugle not with our love for each other but romance and our bed room life has almost don’t exsist any more… he has gained so much weight and i i have other problems life is not fair… i love him so much i want GOD to help us… thanks for any respectifull commets to asst me. ill pray for all of you on here as well…

  • Coincidentally, an online interactive study was published earlier today based on Dr Chapman’s book … you can find it here:
    http://mag.thelife.com/study/lovelanguages.html

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Wow Brian, you’ve put some serious work into this! (I can almost hear men & women everywhere groaning that you’ve raised the bar.) I agree with the comment earlier, romance is not a man’s job, it’s a person in love’s job. Women are just as responsible for bringing romance into the home. You are definitely actively pursuing romance with your wife, but the effects are not as long lasting as you’d like. I wonder, have you heard of the five love languages?

    The Five Love Languages is a book by Dr. Gary Chapman. In it he talks about how people “hear” love in 5 different ways: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch you can learn more here. It sounds like you are expressing love in giving gifts, it may be that your wife “hears” love a different way. She may love the flowers, but long for words of encouragement, or spending time with you. It doesn’t mean that your gifts are wrong, just that there might be another way of expressing love that is the one she most relates to, the one that makes her feel the most loved.

    I highly recommend the book. There are quizzes in the book to help you figure out both how you and your wife hear love and how you express it. It should be available in most book stores. I know Amazon has it too. It’s wonderful that you are so committed to expressing your love. I am sure that your wife knows that. Check out the book, it can be revolutionary.

  • brian says:

    i have done everything in my pwoer to bring romance to my wife. she gets happier then i can even speak i do diferent things on random days.the problem is its only for that day does she actualy show me any kind of love. i tell her and show her daily how much i love her. for example; i one morning got on the enternet and searched for every different kind of flower i could find that was pink. it took me exactly 3.5 days to actualy find a florist that had them all. the reason pink flowers were important was it is he favorite color then i scheduled them for delivery the day after i purchased them . next i bought 3 different cards that expressed love in different ways and wrote my notes in them also i wrote her 3 different poems and then hid them threw out the house. on each card and poem i ended with p.s. each ps left a cluse of were she could find the next item she spent all day lookin for each item at about the moment she called me and thanked me for the fun romanic game she said ill call you back somoen at the door. she discovers the flower delivery. 2 minutes later i walk. my point of this story is she was happy and loving holding ect. but just for a moment. i have tried everything i can think of to bring back the feelings we once had i feel she just has no interest

  • Rosa says:

    Jessie, If a woman is looking at this info, then she is looking for romance from her spouse, and is tired of the 8 second ride. Where has all the romance gone? Should sex be expected just because you are married?

  • Jessie says:

    Michelle, you asked what the guys think:
    As a guy I’m here looking at this list because I want to improve my marriage. We currently are fighting frequently but I still want her to know that I love her and make an effort to improve things.

    However I have to point out that its interesting how women like and want romance, but usually think that ‘romance’ means finding a man who will give them things, or shower them with attention.
    If women want romance, why don’t they be the ones who bring it to the relationship, instead of expecting their man to do it for them?

    Maybe instead of forwarding it to your man Michelle, you might send it to your self and discover ways of being romantic towards him. He will learn from you leading by example.

  • Michelle says:

    I agree… but what are the men thinking about this?… is it too forward to email this to my husband?

  • Laura says:

    There is another great book out there too. Love your wife get better sex. Author is Dennis Yanke and it is filled with valuable information. Don’t let the title shock you. It’s content is just beautiful and respectful.

  • jennifer says:

    that is an awsome artical…

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