FAQ’S: Sex Addiction
What is sex addiction?
Sex addiction is a way some people medicate their feelings and/or cope with their stresses to the degree that their sexual behavior becomes their major coping mechanism for stresses in their life. The individual often can not stop this sexual behavior for any great length of time by themselves. The sex addict spends a lot of time in the pursuit of his or her sexual behavior/fantasy or they may have a binge of sexual behaviors.
Why do people become sexually addicted?
This is different for every sex addict but generally speaking there are biological, psychological, and spiritual reasons. The following is a short explanation of each reason why someone can become a sex addict. The biological addict is someone who has conditioned their body to receive endorphins and enkephlines (brain chemicals) primarily through reinforcing a fantasy state with the ejaculation that provides these chemicals to their brain. Psychologically, the need to medicate or escape physical, emotional or sexual abuse can demand a substance, the early addict finds the sex medicine usually before alcohol or drugs. Spiritually, a person is filling up the God hole in them with their sexual addiction. The addiction is their spirituality, it comforts them, celebrates them and is always available and present. Then there is the sex addict who can be two or even three of the above reasons. This is why a specialist in sex addiction is the best route for recovery with sex addiction.
What’s the difference between sex addiction and a high sex drive?
I have heard this question on almost every national talk show or radio show I have been on over the years. A person with a high sex drive is satisfied with sex. It’s not about a fix for something; when their partner says “NO” it doesn’t make them go off the handle thinking their partner is totally rejecting them and have to leave the house or act out in some other way. If you can relate to this the chances are there may be an addiction issue.
Can you be addicted to masturbation?
Yes, this is by far the most common sex addiction that I have treated in working with sex addiction. This usually is the first sexual behavior many of us will have on a repeated basis. This is usually where the sexual compulsion starts with sex addicts and this behavior, regardless of other acquired behaviors, usually stays active.
What role does pornography play in sex addiction?
Pornography for many sex addicts combined with regular masturbation is the cornerstone for most sex addicts. Many sex addicts have great difficulty getting sober from this combination of behavior. The pornography with fantasy creates an unreal world that the sex addict visits throughout their adolescence and other developmental stages and creates an object relationship that conditions their emotional and sexual self to depend upon these objects and fantasies to meet their emotional and sexual needs hundreds of times before having sex with a real person.
Can someone be a sex addict and not be sexual with their spouse or committed relationship?
YES! We call this later stage of sex addiction, sexual anorexia. In this stage of sex addiction, the addict prefers the fantasy world and fantasy sex with themselves or others instead of relational sex with their spouse or partner. The addict/anorexic avoids relational sex and hence this couple has sex infrequently and often at the partners request not the addict/anorexics.
What is it like to live with a sex addict from a partner’s or wife’s perspective?
The partners/wives of sex addicts report many similar feelings about living with the sex addict. The feeling of aloneness is a common experience with partners of sex addicts, the sense that he can’t open up and tell you about his “real” self. The confusion of even after you do certain behaviors that this still is not enough and the hopelessness that there isn’t enough. Anger for many different unmet needs as a person and as a woman are often common.
Can partners get help even if the sex addict doesn’t?
Yes, even if the addict stays in denial of their addiction the partner can receive help and support for herself. The feelings of anger, loss, loneliness and many other feelings encountered over the years of living with this addiction will effect a person. These feelings need to be dealt with therapeutically whether they stay married to the addict or not. The addiction was in no way your doing as a partner or wife, the addicts addiction started many years before you even met your addict. This addiction would have grown and damaged anyone they would have related to in any relationship.
Is there recovery for sex addiction?
Yes, there is recovery for sex addiction. This recovery takes time and hard work especially in the first year but with guided help the sex addict can experience restoration in their emotional, relational, sexual, financial and even spiritual lives. I have seen marriages made better than they ever were and addicts live much happier lives than they ever thought possible. I have been in successful recovery over eleven years and I know it’s available for those who choose to work for and maintain recovery.
Is there research on sex addiction available?
There is research being done in the field of sexual addiction. The monitored mail list of Heart to Heart Counseling centers provides weekly research information as well as excerpts from 101 Practical Exercises for sexual addiction recovery as well as Twelve Step discussions.
Can women be sex addicted?
Yes! The number of women desiring treatment is growing significantly. The behaviors are the same as their male counterparts including: masturbation, pornography, internet activity, anonymous encounters and affairs. Over twenty recovering female sex addicts contributed in writing She Has a Secret: Understanding Female Sexual Addiction. This book plus the Secret Solutions Workbook, with over 115 helpful techniques for recovery is just for her. If you would like to set up a telephone counseling appointment to start your journey of recovery, call today. There is hope for female sex addicts to recovery.
Is there any way to help our children not become sexually addicted?
Yes! Even though many of our adult male clients report that their fathers were sex addicts (porn, affairs, prostitutes etc.) they also report getting little to no proper sexual information to balance their sexual perspective. Good Enough to Wait is the first DVD of this kind to help your children understand sex and the brain, the long-term affects of pornography, long term sexual satisfaction and a whole lot more. This is the best combination of sex research and spiritual principles to date for youth to watch to give them a proper and currently informed sex talk.
Resources
If you or someone you love is dealing with sex addiction, there is help available for you. Resources are available from Dr. Weiss’ site.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
Laura, you are making the right choice. I have been in a 13 year marriage to someone that seems to think that there is nothing wrong with sexting. Because he hasn’t acted on it,he thinks its okay. Never mind the pain his betrayal is causing me and that we are at risk of breaking up our family. He gamets angry at me foe snooping in his things but I often find what I am looking for. I am not proud of my behaviour. In fact I hate that about myself. We have a very good sexlife so I really don’t get. Is this appropriate behaviour for a chrstian. I love my husband but at this stage I’m not even sure if this marriage is worth fighting for.I have this constant feeling of inadequacy. Am I expecting too much?
Thanks for sharing your story Skywalker. It is so cool to see how you have been set free through the work of Jesus Christ in your life. He is a wonderful Saviour, isn’t He?
Greetings and Merry Christmas to you all. You see the purpose of what i have been trying to write all along is not to “promote nudism”, but by the grace of the Lord to CHANGE THE PERCEPTION OF THE HUMAN BODY. You and I both know how our society has been over sexualized through the media, magazines, porn movies, mainstream movies and others, and like i said in one of my earlier post, because we are daily faced with these abuse of the image of women and men (more in the case of women), it seems to look practically impossible not to lust after them. I realized for the first time that through these media outlets, the society has unwittingly trained us to see women as nothing more than sex objects to be fantasized. Why do you think that when it comes to the case of a woman, in America, it is either her buttocks or her breasts that is emphasized, and thanks in no small measure to the fashion industry, we have now have people who wear clothes that reveal the breast area tantalizingly with the false promise of revealing what is beneath, and i need not even mention about Victoria’s secret. Because of this prevalent problem, people now forget that the woman’s is designed to nurture a new born baby and it is by no means a source of temptation!!! Please i will not kid you at all if i said that it took so much to grasp this deception, i mean almost throughout my christian life from when i was young, i was either trying to avoid scenarios that will trigger the desire to lust, or if i fail, i end up giving myself to it. When i was struggling with pornography, i prayed sincerely to God to help me, i told a few people about my problem, i tried setting up filters, i mad sure i bounced my eyes to the slight sight of a breast being exposed or if a woman even wears an tight dress that reveals the lining of her underwear, i also avoided movies that i knew that had sex scenes. There was even a time that i stayed clear of masturbation for a year (while at that time i kept counting how long i have been away from pornography, but in my heart sometimes i was seriously struggling with the temptation to do it). When i eventually relapsed, i felt like it was all happening again, and at that moment i totally gave myself to this habit. I gave up of god, I watched as many porn movies that i could find and because i took particular note of certain actresses, i kept searching for their videos as a motivation to keep on masturbating. I was a complete train wreck!!!! but I am so thankful to the Lord because despite my purposeful defiance believing that i could never be free, HE STILL LOVED ME AND ALWAYS LOVED ME, HE DID NOT GIVE UP ON ME. Even during the period that i was counting how long i resisted (in my life sometimes i will go 3 months, another 6 months, you cannot even imagine how happy i was, but there seem to always be that feeling that i may fall), i came across that first site that i gave you in my very first post, i initially thought it was going to be one of those Christian sites that will offer a more effective strategy of resisting sin alongside trusting God and praying, i found something entirely different from what i have been taught all my life. This change by no means happened overnight because at the beginning when i was having correspondence with one of the pastors who at one time also struggled, i kept asking myself when i saw on those playboy clips, i still believed that it was impossible not to have sexual thoughts and lust after a beautiful naked woman especially one that the media will attribute as having the right curves, round breasts and of course well shaped buttocks!!! Let me say at this point in time that we have been taught the false perception about the body that the Lord God himself. I know you made a comment about not believing that one cannot lust seeing naked people, so that we will not find ourselves giving room for the enemy to tempt us. Let me start by saying that all glory goes to Jesus Christ, because He has been helping me (i just do not even count how long anymore, surprisingly enough), though i do have a lot of regrets, lusting after these people who are in the porn industry, who were also created in the image of God, who one day will answer to the Lord for defiling His temple, who are completely warped in the belief that there is power in what they do yet the Lord Jesus died to save such people. There are several actresses who at the time were pornstars but are now ministers for Jesus (Shelley Lubben and Crissy Moran, you can check them out). I sincerely respect what you believe but i just thought that i share my testimony with you and others who may be reading this; but i will say this again; from the perspective of a man, the physical anatomy of the woman whether naked or not is not the enemy, but the sin of lust comes from the heart of the observer (in this a man who in ignorance believes already that nakedness will surely equate to sexually immoral interest) and also in the heart of the observed (in this case a woman who believes that dressing in a provocative manner, their breasts will surely incite lustful interest in men, whether she does it on purpose or not). Until we allow the Lord to deal with this sin from our hearts and then change our perception of the human body (both mean and women) and see them as the Lord’s fearfully and wonderfully created temple where the Holy Spirit desires to dwell and that the attributes are created to nurture and support a new life, many people including Christians will continue to struggle with this destructive habit. I sincerely hope that people’s hearts will opened to see beyond the illusion that has been perpetuated by the media. God bless you and Merry Christmas.
Skywalker I totally agree that all sin, including lust, is something that begins in the heart. That is why external laws do nothing to deal with the sin. Laws are external restraints that impact how we act but do nothing for the heart problem. Jesus taught, “What comes out of a man is what makes him ‘unclean.’ For from within, out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man ‘unclean.’” (Mark 7:20-23) Dealing with the external will not clean the problem inside. Jesus called the Pharisees “whitewashed tombs” (Matthew 23:27) because they had found ways to control their external actions but their hearts were still full of sin. So as you say skywalker, avoiding pornography does not deal with the sin of lust. All of the external restrictions we put on ourselves do nothing for the sin that is in our heart. When we allow Jesus to cleanse our hearts it effectively deals with the external sin as well.
Hi jamie, thank you for your reply. I am happy that you at least checked the sites and i am not surprised that you do not believe that it is possible to be in midst of nudity and not lust after it. However,i will like to first of all point out that alcohol is man made, while the human body was created by the Lord God. if a man drinks alcohol in excess, he becomes drunk and ofcourse if he makes it a habit, then it leads to alcoholism but as for the human body, we have been socially trained to expect that a man must have lustful thoughts if he sees a woman’s breast or buttocks or even a naked person for example, so as Christians, we believe that the only way to deal with it is to avoid them at all cost. As much as i agree that we as christians we must not have fellowship with darkness, but consider this; the western culture has become so preoccupied and obssessed with sex at an insane level and because we are exposed to these problem, we only get to see nudity only in a the sexually immoral content!! Thats why it seems as if there is no other way one can have any other response to the site of an unclothed person. You see, one of the reasons why i gave you those sites is not to necessarily promote naturalism (that is a choice for one to make, but rather to show you that it is not only when it comes to sex that nudity can be expressed. More importantly, God himself designed our bodies as his temple with his own hands (ofcourse God’s temple encompasses beyond just the human body). Have you ever asked yourself this question; why will God create us so fearfully and wonderfully made that our physical attributes will now become a stumbling block for one another. It is because as young children, we are told that nudity is altogether evil and it is something that is shameful or that it must be hidden to avoid sin, yet this notion is what empowers the pornographic industry to now flaunt those body parts in a sexually provocative manner that we are zealously trying to avoid. I am not saying that everyone must be nude or that being nude, we can overcome sin, what i am saying is that we must see that there is nothing pornographic, tempting or lewd about simple plain nudity, but to accept the fact that it is beautiful,wholesome and that it is the crowning act of God’s creation. God declared it to be good, and that has not changed despite the fact that Adam and Eve disobeyed God in the garden of Eden. As a man, God created me with a sex drive, and the fact men find women beautiful is right and normal, but if we then dishonor the woman by lusting after her in our heart, we are then choosing to defile someone who God made in His image, whom Jesus Christ died for, and by doing that we are insulting God. I experience this change first hand by the grace of God when i went for my first figure drawing class (i am artist), i prayed about and the pastor also recommended that i talk to God before going, when i went inside, i did not know what to expect, because here i am, looking at a very beautiful well shaped person who is completely naked!!! Yet during those 2 hours,i saw the beauty of God’s handiwork and all i could do was just bless God in my heart for how wonderful He has created us human beings. You see, people in America have been exposed to defiling content of women being sexually abused in porn films, mainstream movies showing simulated sexually immoral scenes coupled with the fear and ignorance on the part of parents, and pastors in teaching directly or indirectly that nudity even in its simple innocent state is altogether shameful. Like i said earlier, the human body including women in their natural beauty and splendor as God created it is not the problem here, the real problem is the fact that we have a wrong perception of the body. As long as we steadfastly hold on to the false view of the human body, the porn industry’s grip and allure will still remain strong even if the person success in avoiding porn!!! (i personally believe that true freedom is not determined by “how long the person stayed away from viewing or consuming porn”). Please i just want to add that i am expressing my experience and testimony because for a time, i too vehemently thought that there was nothing good at all about nudity and that if a man sees a woman naked or half naked, he will automatically lust, but i am here to tell you that lusting after someone is not “automatic”, it is a choice on the part of the observer. If we as Christians accept that Godly view of the human body, by the power of the Holy Spirit, we will not want to even associate or condone anything that defiles and distorts not only the human body but also the gift and sacredness of sex itself which by the way was created by God and it is good also. It is alright if you do not believe or accept my testimony but i sincerely hope that you will at least honestly question the things you believe and see if they are in line with the word of God. Have a blessed day.
That makes sense that the change needs to happen within the heart of the one who lusts. If you are just depending on external restrictions the heart that is controlled by lust remains unchanged. That is not to say that the external restrictions are bad but they don’t deal with the issue completely. One of the sites you linked here quoted Colossians 3:20-23 “Since you have died with Christ, and he has set you free from the evil powers of this world, why do you keep on following rules of the world, such as, “Don’t handle, don’t eat, don’t touch.” Such rules are mere human teaching about things that are gone as soon as we use them. These rules may seem wise because they require strong devotion, humility, and severe bodily discipline. But they have no effect when it comes to conquering a person’s evil thoughts and desires.” In Galatians Paul identifies how we defeat the lusts of our heart: “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the lusts of the flesh.” (Galatians 5:16) So it is the Spirit of God that transforms our hearts so that we are not controlled by lust.
Now I do have to admit that I have a hard time agreeing with some of the ideas on the websites that you have linked to here. I see how different culture objectify different parts of the human anatomy as sexual and that just insuring that those areas of the body are covered with clothes does not deal with the heart issue of lust. What I don’t agree with is that I can know that I have been set free from the lust and objectifying body parts when I can see those parts of the body unclothed and not have lustful thoughts. Or that immersing myself in a naturist culture that I can de-objectify those parts of the body. To me that is similar to treating a person who has any other addiction by surrounding them by the things they are addicted with. Being able to resist the temptation in that setting may prove that one is no longer held captive by that addiction but it is not wise to give Satan that kind of opportunity to rekindle our lusts. Just because I am not bound by an addiction to alcohol, I still do not drink to excess.
Hi Jamie.I am very glad that you are the first to respond to my post. I will answer your question but i will also encourage you to prayerfully meditate on the site, there are also pastor’s emails that you can contact if you have questions. You asked how the site made a difference; the answer is simple really, and that is KNOWING THE TRUTH ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY THAT GOD MADE!!!! I do not say this lightly because it took me a long time to really see the fallacy that we are not aware of. Let me explain further; as a Christian who struggled with pornography, i prayed sincerely asking for the Lord to save me, i used internet filters to block myself from accessing porn sites, i made sure i was avoiding women who may otherwise have their [body parts] exposed and i tried not to look at certain ‘objectified’ parts of a woman [specific body parts] in real life or in the media. When i was meditating on the site, i realized for the first time in my life that the real problem is not the women who may dress lustfully or anything, but rather the problem lies IN THE VERY HEART OF THE OBSERVER, IT IS LUST THAT DRIVES US TO SIN AND SEEK OUT PORN SITES. Another important truth you will soon discover is that (i hope you are ready to hear what i am about to say) contrary to the media (in this case the porn industry), the human body especially the body of a woman that has been sexually objectified ARE NOT AND WAS NEVER CREATED AS A SOURCE OF TEMPTATION!!!! THAT CAME AS A RESULT OF A PORNO-PRUDISH VIEW OF THE HUMAN BODY!!!! I will stop here for now because like i said in the previous post, this will be a lot to take in. I do however want to post several sites for you that will help you and anyone else, but you must be willing to open your heart and perform an honest study. The site includes:
1.) http://mychainsaregone.org/MCAG-TheChain-ann.htm (Please i seriously advise, you read this article first prayerfully)
2.) http://www.pastordavidrn.com/files/Breasts.html
3.) http://thebiblicalnaturist.blogspot.com/2010/09/objectification-of-women-part-1.html
4.) http://naturist.r2bw.com/RejectShame/RSpride.html
5.) http://figleafforum.com/
I will also leave with you this scripture: John 8:32 and Mark 7:14-23. Have a blessed day and know that JESUS CHRIST LOVES YOU ALWAYS. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Thanks skywalker, the site you recommend has some great biblical principles for followers of Jesus who fight against addictions. How did it make a difference in your life?
I hope my newly published book, “Survival Snapshots: Defending Home Against Sex Addiction,” published by Twin Fawns Press and available at Amazon.com will provide some help and comfort to women going through this. I survived it!
Hi, I have been reading through these comments and i am indeed saddened again by what pornography has done in the lives of both men and women. I say this because i too was once an addict!!! I tried getting free through ‘conventional means’ including prayer. However something happened to me that by the grace of God completely changed my perception. Please I will lie to post this link: http://mychainsaregone.org/. Believe me when i say that it will TAKE A LOT TO ABSOLVE THE CONTENT, BUT BELIEVE ME YOU WILL BE MOST JOYFUL THAT YOU DID. The problem of pornography goes a lot deeper than we Christians believe. God bless you all and may the Lord guide you all as you meditate on this site in Jesus name, Amen.
Harld, men are much more susceptible to be promiscuous for many different reasons and so much more is said about male sex addictions. But it is not only a male problem. There are women who also share in the preoccupation with sexual fantasy and act on those urges as well. From how you have described your situation I don’t see that you have done anything wrong. As many others who are in a relationship with a sex addict have found, you are the recipient of your wife’s frustration at being controlled by her sexual appetite. Because she refuses to face the reality of her condition she will lash out at others who try to show her the imbalance in their life. I would encourage you to find some support through a local support group, counsellor or pastor who can help you figure out how to deal with the hurtful place that your wife has put you in. You can also connect with one of our online mentors who can be a helpful place to share the hurt you are feeling. You can find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor
Hi iam a husban that cought my wife haveing phone sex with a lot of other men after i cought her she kiced me out filed for devorice.what did i do wrong i read all the comments but seen nothing about women doing the same why is it
You’re right Gail, sexual addiction devastates families. Do you have support as you stand firm against your husband’s choices? If you would like, you can build that kind of support relationship with one of our online mentors. They will pray with you, encourage you and walk with you as you hold your husband accountable for his poor choices. You can find a Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
Lord God I pray for Gail. Give her the strength she will need to stand firm against her husband’s unfaithfulness. I pray that You would help her to speak the truth to him. I pray that You would give her wisdom to know what boundaries to put in place to help her husband. I pray that You would heal her husband’s mind so that he is no longer controlled by this addiction. Guard their family during this time. In Jesus’ name, amen.
My husband has a history of sexual addiction which he admitted to a few years ago. last week I discovered lipstick on his shirt just below the belt area and on his underpants. this gave me a wake-up call again. I have put boundaries in place. i want him to leave and have asked him to make a decision. This is devastating on us as a family,. i have made a conscious decision to not feed his habit and empower him. I will not be codependent in this relationship. I will do whatever it takes to ensure purity in my life and marriage if that still remains. This behaviour and addiction is far too destructive and takes up energy from the spouse (wasted energy)
Tonya, I don’t think that you are overreacting. There is an amazing amount of porn available online and with data on cellphones kids have more access to it than ever before. You have experienced the long term affects of this habit so it makes sense that you would react strongly and quickly to protect your son. He’s 11 which means that he’s going to be curious about his body and have a lot of questions. It also means that he is really not going to want to talk about his genitals with his Mom. (Think back to when you were a kid, would have wanted your Dad giving you the “monthly” talk?) It is not your fault that his Dad is not there to have this conversation with him. Is there another trusted male relative who could talk to him? Does he have a youth pastor, or an older cousin or someone that he might be more comfortable talking with? If he’s Googling sex he might genuinely have questions, or he might have seen images like these and been excited by them. Either way it’s likely that he’s confused and has turned to what he can find online because it’s less embarrassing.
I’m guessing that you pay his cellphone bill. What if you took data off his cell phone plan for now? Could you talk to him about why you don’t want him looking at those sites and that you want to protect him? Tell him that you know it can be hard to stop looking at them once you’ve started so you are going to help him by just taking them away. Tell him that you know it will be hard at first not to have them, but that it will get easier. I know that all the other kids have data on their phone, but he doesn’t need it. It’s not a safety issue for him to be without it – he still has the phone to call for help and he doesn’t need the maps feature until he’s driving.
I would guess that he has not even thought about how this could affect future relationships. He is probably starting to experience changes in his body which feel weird and strange and he’s trying to figure them out. Or maybe friends of his have had experiences that he has not had and he goes online to try and feel included? You need to make sure that you do not teach him to be ashamed of his body, but rather teach him a healthy way to be at peace with his body. It’s a challenge time – for all kids and all parents.
Hi Sarah, Usually on our site I’m quick to refer people to mentoring, however we are not legally allowed to offer mentoring to anyone under 13. I know it might feel unfair, but the law is there for your protection. You need to talk to someone you know and trust. Talking to your Mum would be best, but If you can’t talk to her, talk to an Aunt or a Grandma or another trusted relative. A counsellor at your school could also help. I think it was very brave of you to ask for help here. Be brave again, talk to someone in your family who is safe and they will be able to help. You’re only 12, you don’t have to sort this out all by yourself.
I need advice. My ex husband is a sex addict. A few years ago I discovered our son who was only 8 looking at porn on the Internet. I blame myself for not putting blocks on but I didn’t think he was old enough to be interested. It was very hard core too. He said he just stumbled on it but I saw the history and he typed in sex. He is now 11 and he received an iPhone and I find again he is looking at porn. I put a block on it through ATT but they didn’t tell me it doesn’t work if he has wifi- ridiculous. I’m so confused how to handle this. Before the whole ordeal with my ex I wouldn’t have been as freaked out and just figured it was curiosity but I see how distructive it can be on relationships so I’m especially cautious on how to proceed. I put blocks on now and talked to him about sex being for adults and that porn wasn’t realistic but extreme. I don’t want him to feel shame or ruin his sexuality but what on earth do I say? I have a good relationship with him and was really surprised he would do this. I have given him age appropriate books on puberty and sexual feelings and talk to him but he won’t talk about it. I know boys this age are curious but I want him to value women and relationships and not just think of easy sex. I don’t want him to hurt his future wife and struggle with addiction. Am I overreacting?
[Sarah's comment has been removed because she in underage, but I've left my response here where she can see it. Sarah, there was nothing wrong in what you wrote, nothing shameful, I've just removed it for your own protection.]
Hello Chris,
It must be a very difficult time for you and for your wife right now. Please feel free to contact this link: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
and you will be put in contact with a mentor through email. God bless you with his peace. Bernard
I have been watching porn since I was a teenager and it seems to be escalating. I honestly thought this whole sex addict thing was a joke until my wife found it on my computer. She was understanding for the most part but had a serious problem with a site that had me on a list for “hooking up with local singles.” I NEVER had any intention of taking it to that level but it certainly doesn’t look good and my wife was understandably upset. I also would call voice personal lines while she was away and she found out about that too. She was seriously upset about that too and I felt terible. Again it was not my intention to actually hook up with anyone I just listened to the messages left. I have stopped that completely without a problem but most recently I heard about “massage parlour” from a friend and researched it on line only for my wife to find it. I feel I have really done it this time and it maybe strike three. My wife deserves better than being married to a porn crazy inconsiderate jerk. She feels she can’t trust me because everything I have done and I don’t blame her but I have never actually tried to meet anyone else and I have no interest in doing so. I desperately want to be the husband she deserves and how vowed to change but I want to make sure this time it sticks. The last thing I want to do is let her go but if I can’t shake this she will leave me for sure and I will probably get worse without her. When I am with her I don’t need anything but her. She is my world and I have failed her miserably. Help!
Chand
Being turned on by an action your spouse makes is fine but when you also get excited when other people do the same thing now there is a issue. You also self pleasure yourself many times a day. Ever wonder why you may have this adultress attitude? Yes you are having an adultress affair against your spouse with yourself. Sex is wonderful GOD made it so, but God also made it so between a husband and wife. When your wife gives you pleasure it is NOT masturbation. She is giving you pleasure and bonding with you. Masturbation is self pleasure, it is where you bond with yourself.
You also ask if there was a remedy, and the answer is YES. Chand are you ready to dig inside yourself…. dig so far into your past even you are scared? The first step in this process is a simple but very hard one to do… Don’t even think that you are the only one. You must look at yourself and not ask why you do what you do, but ask why you can’t stop. If you do not have the power than admit that you are powerless to stop. Admit that there is an issue and you are powerless to stop. The next step is a lot easier….
Chand if you would like, you can get connected with one of our mentors. It is free and confidential and most of all our mentor will meet you where you are and walk with you through this journey. If you would like a mentor fill out this form http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ . I will be praying for you.
I have had a wierd fetish that has bonded me for more than 30-35 years and still does. I (47) get a turn on when my wife (43) passes gas. As she has this problem with flatulence in a big way and is all so happening when shes asleep or at any other point of the day. I have never directly confessed but I guess she must have an idea. I have been addicted to chronic masturbation for my entire adult life as well. I feel terrible when I need to relieve myself whenever she breaks wind loudly.Though our sex lives is past our best, I still masturbate daily before and after bed and at office being horny most of the day. Its like upto 3/4 times a day.Also I take up to 20 mins to build my orgasms and then ejaculate. However I still feel the urge the first thing in the morning. I hate this habit of seeing women passing gas as a fetish, but it turns me on like crazy. I really hate when occasionally a female cousin or some relative happens to break wind as I take to fantasizing it. I feel I abuse my wife’s honesty in our relation. She does not approve of masturbation at all. However she does fellatio and masturbates me on my insistence. Sex is not all that great to be honest and she hardly has the desire. Over the years I have become addicted to masturbation. The problem is that if its not twice/thrice a day at the minimum, I’m hard on like at 20. And I have no clue how to get rid of this fixation for her flatulence. I hate this as I give in to the lust of fantasizing other women pass wind loudly & I think this is abnormal.Any remedy please?
I’m scared and don’t know how to feel. I’ve been married for a year n half. I knew my husband was sending nude pics to girls online and vice versa but he swore it would stop before we married. So a couple days ago he did it again and and I was ready to kick him out until he cried to me n begged me and told me he cant help it that he believes he has a problem. I have never seem him ashamed ever in the 5 years I’ve known him. He said it was horrible keeping this secret from me. He claims that it never went past the pics. I told him that I would stick by his side if he was willing to seek help. I told him we can start slow by going back to church and opening to God. I love him and really want to be there for him but I’m scared. So so scared.
I have read alot of blogs lately, that deal with the issues of boundaries and value. I as a Christian am troubled because there is a part of me, being raised by my mother, that has seen it before. The undervalueing of the self, God’s magnificiant creation, and the lack of being firm when setting boundaries. The pain that those situations cause. I am praying to Jesus that his hands of strength be with you all in your decision to value what life God gave you and choose to shine like the light of God, and set wholesome boundaries and live by them. Reach out, gather your resources, speak up and let your voices be heard. If you need some one out. stop what your doing and get them out this minute. Now. Call the Holy spirit for strength, by the power of Jesus, clean up and clear your way to a happier life. No it won’t be easy, I know this, it is possible. Chuck R.Swindoll said,”All that is needed is the will to do whatever it takes to get it done.” Jesus is not up, out there somewhere, He is right beside you right now, in His Holy Spirit, to assist you when you make that decision. May God’s face shine upon you all.
Hi Belle, your situation sounds an awful lot like mine. I kicked my b/f of five years out of the house a month ago and it was a painful decision. At the time I kicked him out only based on his lying and my suspicions. I expected him to come back home within a day or two but this never happened. Instead, after a week, he called to inform me that he needed to talk and tell me something very important. We arranged to meet on a Sunday afternoon and he confessed to me in person about every women he has had sexual relations with for the entire five years that we have been together. I have been faithful to him the entire time and although I THOUGHT he may have cheated once or twice, I was not ready to hear what he had to tell me that day. He had spent THOUSANDS of dollars at strip clubs for private dances, met women during the night while I was asleep in bed for a quicky, and even had a fake Myspace Account set aside just for his browsing…as for dating sites, he had tons of those as well. So I decided I want to stay with him and ride this out only because I am not a quitter and I do have faith that he will get better. However, after giving him the names of both a sex therapist as well as a hypnotist over a month ago, he still has not called either of them. He blames it on having no money to pay for the visits, or no time to call them and says there is no rush. I personally think that he does not want to change this pattern of behavior which has become the “norm” for him. I love him to death and do not want harm to come to either him or me, but how much longer should I wait for him to decide to get the necessary help he needs?
So what kind of responsibility do you feel is yours for building back trust? Your husband is obviously making some huge changes which is crucial (praying that he is able to follow through on all of them) but do you play a part in seeing that trust restored? (If this is too personal, I apologize. Don’t answer if you feel pressured or uncomfortble)
Hi Jamie, i’m not coping too well with the broken trust- i didnt have trust to begin with. my husband made the decision to change his ways entirely, he firstly severed all contact with these women but not at my request- in fact i was quite ready to let him go and i was maliciously gleeful to let him end up with any of these women as i saw what some of them looked like (and it wasnt as if they were smart or kind to make up for it either). he also chose to change spiritually and chose to give me everything i previously requested but never got before, including spending more time with the children and helping me with them. i stopped fighting for him as i fough for him all these years, and he began fighting for me instead. however,once he confided his true sexual needs to me i made the choice to give him just that(i can also do what those women did for him; he didnt need to go to them).
i may not have absolute proof that he has changed but i have faith that if he continues to lie, deceive and cheat, it will come back to him. if he wants to be with me then i want all of him otherwise he shouldnt be with me. if he didnt want to be with me then he shouldnt have. why be married and keep a false persona if youre a sex-addict? if someone has an abhorrence for fidelity then they shouldnt cross over into marriage or even be in a relationship; it’s selfish and their partner suffers.
Thanks for sharing your story Karmel. March 2011 was not that long ago. I would imagine you guys are still going through some pretty difficult days. How do you deal with the broken trust? Are there things that your husband is doing to break those patterns of infidelity?
in march 2011 i found out that my husband of 10 years had been cheating on me. prior to this he had become quite unbearable and i felt single in my own marriage, thats how little he cared about me. we have two children whom i felt it difficult to deal with and one day i snapped and prayed, ”Jesus i place it all in your hands, i cant carry this anymore”. it wasnt long after that i found the sms, then pornographic pics… it took him many months to come clean about everything and to adjust some of the stories as he lied so often. it turned out he had various relations with at least 9 different women including a masturbation and porn addiction and he was on some ”person.com” website. Before i found out he always used to say, ”arent you glad youre with a scientific nerdy smart guy whose not into porn?” it turned out he most certainly was into porn, and a prostitute and having relations with two of his ex-girlfriends, one of which apparently knew all about me (but thats another creepy story). it is all so horrible and it felt like i aged 20 years. he turned a grey hue when he was bust and made a sudden and drastic change in our marriage to keep me including spoiling me excessively and giving me the sex i always wanted. we went for counseling but this is a long and painful process and healing will take time but we love each other so it’s worth a shot. things got a lot better with prayer!
That must have been a real blow finding out about your boyfriend’s use of prostitutes. I would imagine it makes you question lots of things about your relationship and leaves you second guessing everything from him. That is so difficult living with that level of distrust. I think there are some other options other than the two that you identified, neither of which sounds very appealing. Your decision to see a counsellor is a good one; it’s too bad that it will take so long to get to. It is definitely worth the wait though. Can I also recommend that you find someone that you trust that you can share with? You will need to have someone that you can talk to who will help you look at the situation objectively. That could be a family member, a friend, a pastor or one of our online mentors (click here to find one). Do you think there is reason to make a quick decision here or do you have some time to think things through? If you have time I would recommend that you take it; a rushed decision is not always the best one.
I will also add that God would like to help you through this difficult time. Jesus said, “Come to me all of you who are weary and carry a heavy weight; I will give you rest… learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul.” (Matthew 11:28,29) He knows everything that is going on and He will lead you through it all if you will let Him. If you want to find out how trusting and following Jesus can help you click on this link.
i am scared,angry,confused,ashamed,etc..my boyfriend of 8 years has been using prostitutes. i love and care for him so much, and i know he loves me. he is a great dad.ive always known he liked porn a little too much, but this is a whole new level. im such a mess, i cant decide weather to leave(i did and it felt wrong, he cried and begged)stay and accept and understand hes going to cheat, and i do the same, or …?????he got himself into therapy with out my pressuring him which is a good sign.there is no trust.my crappy health insurance only allows me to go to 1 facility in town for therapy and they cant squeeze me in until mid august.any advice?
Christina,
Your boyfriend has some very serious issues that go far beyond what you can change on your own, and although his first counselling experience sounds far from helpful, he does need to get some professional help. You love him and you say you care deeply for him, but the best thing you can do is to let him go so that he can begin to take responsibility for his own actions. It sounds like you have bailed him out in the past and made excuses for his behaviour, but there are some very deep issues in his life and he needs help.
Let us take this issue to our Lord.
Lord I pray for people who have sex addixtion that You help them to not have sex addiction. Lord as i grew up in my younger years I did want to play around sor t of speak to myself. I grew out of that becasue I know it was not right in Your eyes. I pray that You will support the one who is going through a desire to have sex that they will brake that stronghold on them.
In Jesus Mightyname amen
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 4 years. He comes from an abusive childhood and felt very bad about being the “poor” kid and was made fun of alot during primary school. The only person he was truly close to in his family was his grandmother, she practically raised him, and she died when he was 17. We started dating at 19 (He’s not about to turn 24, I will in October). We both just graduated college and are unsure of what the next step is, but he’s been accepted to graduate school for physical therapy.
He and I have always had a fantastic connection (unreal, to be honest) and a healthy sex life. In the last two years we’ve started fighting a lot more, most noticibly in the last 6 months. Ealier this week I found out something devastating: He’s been cheating on me on and off for the last 2 years with another girl. He met her while we were on a break and they started texting. The same break where I also caught him texting (sexual, vulgar things and pictures of his penis and even a video of his masturbating) three different girls around the time he was begging to get back together with me. I forgave him, it took a very long time, but I never found out about this 4th girl until recently.
According to her, (she contacted me when she found out he had a girlfriend) they had sex several times that fall and he would always text her dirty things. Then she was gone in Europe for 10 months, but the texting starting again this past august. She sent me some of the pictures that he sent her, and 99% (if not 100%) are pictures he also sent to me. She told me they have phone sex fairly often, and that he told her he has apartments all over the country, is always travelling for work, and lives in tennessee (he does NONE of those things, he’s a dirt broke college kid finishing up his degree in summer school).
He went to therapy once in the fall after an argument he had because he wanted to control his anger, he said. The moronic student that he spoke with at the university counseling center told him that he was a sociopath because he opened up about his abusive childhood easily. Having never been to counseling, he took her seriously and it really messed with his psyche and our relationship. He’s NOT a sociopath. Narcisstic Personality Disorder, maybe. Sexual Addiction, maybe. Mostly I think he has extremely low self esteem. He has an overbearing mother and an abusive father, both of whom are terrible parents and don’t help him with hardly anything and think his education is a waste of time. I’ve financed him loads of times when he hasn’t been able to pay his rent, etc. (he always pays me back). But I can’t help but wonder…
How do you help someone realize they need help?
Do you think this is the story of a sex addict? NPD? simply a way to boost self esteem?
In high school when we first starting dating he was addicted to porn – would look at it every single morning. I believe I got him to curb that behavior, but I am worried that it spilled over into all of this.
Someone please help me pick apart this puzzle and understand. I love him very much, I realize that he probably destroyed our relationship forever and I doubt I will be able to forgive him, but he is my best friend and I care for him deeply. Thanks.
Saddened, may I just say the same thing to you that I said earlier to Arlene, that it is soooooo very important for you to realize and know that your husband’s sex addiction isn’t your fault. It is good that he is seeking help but you will also need some along the way as you deal with the hurt. May I suggest that you click on this link and ask for an online mentor from our site to walk alongside of on this journey? You don’t have to go it alone!
None of you are alone. I have been married for ten years, 3 little children… My husband is a recently diagnosed sex addict. It started when I found his secret email… Craigslist connections… Two months ago. Since then the revelations have not stopped.I feel insane. Initially he swore up and down it was all online. Over the weeks, though to today, I have found out he’s had sex w people from work, glory holes, prostitutes…. Unreal. You would never believe it. He’s quite successful, handsome and just a seemingly good guy. I truly thought he’d never hurt me. Hes seeking help and says he wants our family. I’m devastated, and angry. Sad and confused. I’m a stay at home mom w a great life aside from this. It sounds crazy to write, but I love our day to day. I don’t know how to stay or go. He will most likely have slips or relapses and like about them. How does a wife survive.
I was a sex addict and it took me years before being free. It will not happen overnight and through it all my wife was very compassionate and that is what helped me. Now I can look back with gratitude for her and to her and my God who helped me.
I don’t want to miss giving the credit for that miracle. I find that God is blamed for a lot of things but He cannot be blamed for that. He loves us.
Arlene, it is important to realize that your husband’s sex addiction wasn’t your fault and that if he is willing to actually go through therapy there may be help for him. The important thing is that he is willing to get help and work on it and for you to realize that you are not responsible for his actions, he is. You are only responsible for your own responses and I would strongly suggest that you find a counselor to talk to as well as you walk this journey. Don’t go it alone.
Dear Arlene – It IS possible for him to still genuinely love you despite the philandering. The question is, is that enough? I would recommend you get an STD screen, if you haven’t already, first off. Then I would recommend that you set aside the marriage vows for a time and focus on YOU: what you need and want to feel at peace and reasonably happy. Try to consider scenarios both with and without your husband, and scenarios that depend on his cooperation vs those that don’t. Then try rationally and dispassionately to assess each option’s attainability. At least, I think this is what I’d try to do were I in your position. I am sorry that you are in emotional pain – I hope that you can take charge of the situation and reduce the hurt that must be consuming you.
I feel lonely, embarrassed, angry, frustrated. Been married for 19 years. My husband has cheated on me again and again with women from work, women he’s met in bars or online, with cybersex and porn. Always thought and was made to think that it was my fault for not having sex with him more often or not making sex interesting enough. It was not until two weeks ago when I found out about his latest affair, that it occurred to me to look up information on sex addiction. Almost all the symptoms fit him to a “T”. This last affair happened supposedly after many years without ‘slipping’. Years ago I told him that if he slipped again, our marriage was over. Now I don’t know what to do. Do I quit our marriage I hope I can find a better partner, or do I stick it out now that we found out it is sex addiction and weather the storm through therapy, as our vows said ” in sickness and in health”? He started therapy last week, but I have no one to talk to about this, except him ( who I think his opinions are biased). Help!
Lynne therapy will only work if he wants it to. It is easy to deceive your therapist and convince them you are better. Nobody can say if your husband is truly past his addiction or not, probably including him. I know this response doesn’t help at all but there is no easy answer. I’m sure this will be deleted but it is an honest, if confusing, answer.
Just a quick question… how long is therapy b/f it begins to work. My hubby who was diagnosed over 4 years ago but denied it all began therapy last Dec. At that point we were told that it was a long process and could be in our lives forever. But after only 4 months his therapist is now scheduling once a month! At first he wanted to see him once a week. I’ve been seeing someone too and he is way ahead of me when he is the once who broke our wedding vows and sought out online affairs. Sure, he did not physically have a realtionship but he sure did on an emotional level. When can I ever trust my instincts again?? I still love him but cannot and will not go through this again!
Yes, I have gone through this with my husband of 7 and a half years. It is the most painful and humiliating experience a woman can go through. I am just now in therapy for all of it. I hope Belle and Laura can recover from all of this.
Dear Belle
My heart goes out to you, I have not experienced this but I know we have mentors that have gone through what you are experiencing and they want to help. If you would like, you can get connected with one of our mentors. It is free and confidential and most of all our mentor will meet you where you are and walk with you through this journey. If you would like a mentor fill out this form http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/ . I will be praying for you.
Hi there I have been separated for 5 months now, I kicked my husband out after finding a lot of porn hidden on the computer, emails to men and women erotic emails and also I found that he was on several dating websites as bi sexual. I also found out he liked shemales.I found lists and lists of womens names even famous people. I was and still am devastated I have not seen or spoken to him in five months. He had a brakedown and was suicidal he has also gone to counciling. He swears he has never cheated on me and this is fantasies and i went to the hospital for tests, which were clear. He has become a hermit all his stuff is still here and he is ashamed and I have arranged to meet him to discuss things. This is way off my radar, has anyone had this happen to them my anger has only just subsided please can you help me. I am not one of these people where I will give up on things also I am not a mug.
Laura,
It sounds like you’ve made a hard, but wise decision. Would you like to talk to a mentor as you walk through this? You can use this form to contact a mentor who will respond by email. You deserve a relationship with someone who is honest and committed and faithful. This is a brave thing that you are doing.
I have been dating a man for two years, we have always gotten along well, like all friends and family. However, I stumbled upon messages on face book from as far back as when we started dating, of him texting and emailing women calling them sexy cutie, would love to poke you in person again. I found emailed plans of dates when I was unavailable. Then out of curiosity, I searched some dating sites and found him on 6. He does sex on line with these women via skype all over the country. He tells them in emails that he loves their chats and loves the way they look. He never says these things to me. I am attractive and in great shape. We can only see each other on weekends because of distance. I am his girlfriend, but I think he has used me as a cover for two years so his family and friends think he is in a normal relationship. I caught him on a date once. I forgave him, he doesn’t know I have info on all the sexting. I am going to break it off. I feel betrayed, and sick. I have never felt a pain so great before. I know he doesn’t think it’s cheating, and the women are just as bad as he is. This relationship is not worth my time. I need to get healthy. I just hope at some point I will be able to trust a man. I have doubts that there are any worthwhile in this crazy world.