FAQ’S: Sex Addiction
What is sex addiction?
Sex addiction is a way some people medicate their feelings and/or cope with their stresses to the degree that their sexual behavior becomes their major coping mechanism for stresses in their life. The individual often can not stop this sexual behavior for any great length of time by themselves. The sex addict spends a lot of time in the pursuit of his or her sexual behavior/fantasy or they may have a binge of sexual behaviors.
Why do people become sexually addicted?
This is different for every sex addict but generally speaking there are biological, psychological, and spiritual reasons. The following is a short explanation of each reason why someone can become a sex addict. The biological addict is someone who has conditioned their body to receive endorphins and enkephlines (brain chemicals) primarily through reinforcing a fantasy state with the ejaculation that provides these chemicals to their brain. Psychologically, the need to medicate or escape physical, emotional or sexual abuse can demand a substance, the early addict finds the sex medicine usually before alcohol or drugs. Spiritually, a person is filling up the God hole in them with their sexual addiction. The addiction is their spirituality, it comforts them, celebrates them and is always available and present. Then there is the sex addict who can be two or even three of the above reasons. This is why a specialist in sex addiction is the best route for recovery with sex addiction.
What’s the difference between sex addiction and a high sex drive?
I have heard this question on almost every national talk show or radio show I have been on over the years. A person with a high sex drive is satisfied with sex. It’s not about a fix for something; when their partner says “NO” it doesn’t make them go off the handle thinking their partner is totally rejecting them and have to leave the house or act out in some other way. If you can relate to this the chances are there may be an addiction issue.
Can you be addicted to masturbation?
Yes, this is by far the most common sex addiction that I have treated in working with sex addiction. This usually is the first sexual behavior many of us will have on a repeated basis. This is usually where the sexual compulsion starts with sex addicts and this behavior, regardless of other acquired behaviors, usually stays active.
What role does pornography play in sex addiction?
Pornography for many sex addicts combined with regular masturbation is the cornerstone for most sex addicts. Many sex addicts have great difficulty getting sober from this combination of behavior. The pornography with fantasy creates an unreal world that the sex addict visits throughout their adolescence and other developmental stages and creates an object relationship that conditions their emotional and sexual self to depend upon these objects and fantasies to meet their emotional and sexual needs hundreds of times before having sex with a real person.
Can someone be a sex addict and not be sexual with their spouse or committed relationship?
YES! We call this later stage of sex addiction, sexual anorexia. In this stage of sex addiction, the addict prefers the fantasy world and fantasy sex with themselves or others instead of relational sex with their spouse or partner. The addict/anorexic avoids relational sex and hence this couple has sex infrequently and often at the partners request not the addict/anorexics.
What is it like to live with a sex addict from a partner’s or wife’s perspective?
The partners/wives of sex addicts report many similar feelings about living with the sex addict. The feeling of aloneness is a common experience with partners of sex addicts, the sense that he can’t open up and tell you about his “real” self. The confusion of even after you do certain behaviors that this still is not enough and the hopelessness that there isn’t enough. Anger for many different unmet needs as a person and as a woman are often common.
Can partners get help even if the sex addict doesn’t?
Yes, even if the addict stays in denial of their addiction the partner can receive help and support for herself. The feelings of anger, loss, loneliness and many other feelings encountered over the years of living with this addiction will effect a person. These feelings need to be dealt with therapeutically whether they stay married to the addict or not. The addiction was in no way your doing as a partner or wife, the addicts addiction started many years before you even met your addict. This addiction would have grown and damaged anyone they would have related to in any relationship.
Is there recovery for sex addiction?
Yes, there is recovery for sex addiction. This recovery takes time and hard work especially in the first year but with guided help the sex addict can experience restoration in their emotional, relational, sexual, financial and even spiritual lives. I have seen marriages made better than they ever were and addicts live much happier lives than they ever thought possible. I have been in successful recovery over eleven years and I know it’s available for those who choose to work for and maintain recovery.
Is there research on sex addiction available?
There is research being done in the field of sexual addiction. The monitored mail list of Heart to Heart Counseling centers provides weekly research information as well as excerpts from 101 Practical Exercises for sexual addiction recovery as well as Twelve Step discussions.
Can women be sex addicted?
Yes! The number of women desiring treatment is growing significantly. The behaviors are the same as their male counterparts including: masturbation, pornography, internet activity, anonymous encounters and affairs. Over twenty recovering female sex addicts contributed in writing She Has a Secret: Understanding Female Sexual Addiction. This book plus the Secret Solutions Workbook, with over 115 helpful techniques for recovery is just for her. If you would like to set up a telephone counseling appointment to start your journey of recovery, call today. There is hope for female sex addicts to recovery.
Is there any way to help our children not become sexually addicted?
Yes! Even though many of our adult male clients report that their fathers were sex addicts (porn, affairs, prostitutes etc.) they also report getting little to no proper sexual information to balance their sexual perspective. Good Enough to Wait is the first DVD of this kind to help your children understand sex and the brain, the long-term affects of pornography, long term sexual satisfaction and a whole lot more. This is the best combination of sex research and spiritual principles to date for youth to watch to give them a proper and currently informed sex talk.
Resources
If you or someone you love is dealing with sex addiction, there is help available for you. Resources are available from Dr. Weiss’ site.
I have known for years I had a problem but I also felt that I was normal and all men had this same issue, it was just something we struggel with. What I didn’t realized till just recently was I had no real intimacy with any of my sex partners. We had sex we had enjoyment but I just could not “keep” a relationship. Not I realized I am addicted to fantasy state compounded with a real biological satisfaction and I really don’t have a relationship I have friends, exclusive friend w/ benefits is my wife.
Charlie-
I have been the “friend with benefits” wife, for nearly 7 years. Please get help. My husband’s addiction has isolated me from any true intimacy. Sex without intimacy became a scheduled duty for me. I have now left my husband, and torn my little “perfect” family apart, over his secret. I tried for years to reach him, but by the time I left it was too late. He wants to change now, but I cannot get back the love and trust I once had for him. Don’t let your story end up like mine.
I have lived with my addictive husband for 35 years. I have left and he begged me to come back. I have no trust or respect for him. I am so very isolated and depend greatly on my children and friends for love and compassion. All these years he blamed me…and I belevied him. What a waste.
I have been sober from porn and masturbation for 11 months but I still have a hard time being intimate with my wife. It seems we are just too busy or just too tried to have intimacy. We even started to schedule time but that only last about a month per my spouse being just so tried and busy. Being sober and doing recovery has allow me to reach out to other men in my church and we now have a SAAFE group…. sex addict anonymous for everyone. The biggest issue with the women is having private meetings so I refer them to women only meetings, the biggest issue with the men is the visualization is every where. Bill boards, TV, web sites, ads, and just going to the mall.
There is hope, but it is not just stopping it is a process of recovery. Why do we act out, when do we act out, what is the manner of how deep the addiction has gotten, But if each addict strives to be honest and indentify emotions the process begins.
CB
I’m a lady. I’m 19. I’m pretty sure I may be a ‘sex addict’ after reading a bunch about it. More than sure. Shits falling all around me, I can only be so good at lieing, but I don’t know if I want to stop…I can’t imagine it.
to Chloe
Not wanting to stop maybe normal but WHY you have so much sex, flirtation, dressing for attention, or even being isolated from everyone while you believe everyone around you is also doing this great thing but realizing more often than not that you are the slut not them.
The REASON is what needs to explored, just wanting to enjoy some sex here and there within a relationship is one thing but wanting it from everyone all the time is a lot different. Having the need to do sex, porn, love attention or any thing else that is for your pleasure alone is where an addiction starts… and once an addiction starts it takes a long time to recover even after you get into a long term relationship—marriage . The addiction is there and you will cheat to use your addiction
Chloe, I am now 45 years & have just discovered that there is such a thing as a sex addict. After reading a few articles I realize that I have been one for years. No matter how great my relationship is going I find a way to cheat. It gives me such a rush & I have now convinced my self that I need to do this to stay sane. The stresses of the Job the husband, the kids would simply drive me mad if I did not have this outlet.
I find out since 5 year’s that my wife is a sex addict. It was very strange, because she was the one, who never wanted sex with me. Only one time every two months. I understand now what causes sex addiction, because my wife always had fear for true intimacy. She was always a very closed person, who could not express her true feelings. She was always cleaning the house and looked like a real workaholic. I find out that she never could combine sex with true intimacy. My wife can have good sex with strangers, but if she get close to someone, she turns to frigidity.
I find out that sex addicts may have intense fear for being open and true intimacy. But the mistake in our society is that almost everybody denies female sex addiction. There is no help for the husband of a sex addicted wife.
My husband has been a sex addict our whole marriage, 12 years, I am a recovering alcoholic of 3 years and igonored his addiction for most of our marriage. As I got into recovery myself and started to work a 12 step program more was revealed. I tried to show him there was a better way so he started to go to SA meetings and see a counselor…the lies and manipulation continued. I realized he was doing it for me and not his self. I recently rented a house a week ago because I kept doing the same thing expecting different results. I Love this man very much. All I can do is hope he will do the next right thing. I know how powerful addictions can be but there is a way out.
Just last month I discovered my husband of over 20 years is a sex addict. I think for all of us the lying and deception is most hurtful. The scariest part is how sex addicts are able to lie for years without it bothering their conscience. Now that I know that my husband can lie for years without it ripping his conscience apart, I believe that he is capable of anything. The note on sexual anorexia was enlightening. I was beginning to think my guy was homosexual because he had such a low, sex drive with me. Little did I know he just had a strong preference for masturbation and grinding with strippers. He claims he never had intercourse with the strippers, he just paid them weekly to help him ejaculate on himself in a strip club. How perverted is that? A husband, father of three and respected 52 year old man sitting in a strip club ejaculating on himself, then coming home and smiling as he ate dinner.
I was married for almost 10 years to a sex addict. He always got so angry if we didn’t have sex. Even after our children were born and the doctor said wait he gave me guilt trips. I am very sexually experimental and have a healthy sex drive but it was never enough and became a chore. I always felt like he lied and was cheating but never had proof. I finally caught him and he came clean about so much. It was a relief because I just knew. He went to strip clubs, massage parlors, and escorts. Since our divorce he has gotten therapy and claims to be cured. Says he thinks those people are disgusting and doesn’t even desire that anymore. I miss our family and know our kids would love having us back together. But can I trust him? I mean can he really be cured and not desire these things? And can I really forgive him? If anyone has had experience with this let me know. Thank you.
I found out about his addiction June 3rd of 2008 – as well as my own co dependency issues..at first I screamed, cried, became violent, etc..than I began going to meetings and met lots of other women similar to me – it didn’t cure him and even though he was going to meetings (1-2 a day for the past 2 years) his progress has been slow and painful..my family is not aware so we still have to play the “perfect couple”
I have been having a hard time lately because most of the women I met, the same women who helped me get to where I am, have since let the program, divorced their husbands, and no longer want to associate with that time in their life (which I completely understand!) but it leaves me isolated again..anyway if anyone out there is looking to chat about sex addiction or the like, sent me an email (scottnicole678@aol.com) – I could use a new perspective and possibly a friend in this!
I think the sound of a sex addict is impossible, and I keep telling myself that its ok. but I know its not. I am 21 years old, and since I was 17 I have slept with different guys, at first I found it fun, but I realised that I relie on it to build my self confidence. I end up doing things with guys and then I cry myself to sleep, or wake up with this terrible guilt. I really am confused, I dont want to seem uncool, or to loose ‘friends’ but at the same time I so badly want to get married and have my life, I cant do this when I behave the way I do. Please someone give me practical advise, how do you just stop?
Im confused, lonely and feel like Ill never be good enough for a man unless I am having sex with them….
Dear I need Freedom,
I hear your pain, although I have not experienced your experience my heart hurts for you. All I can tell you is what I have learned, Jesus Loves you and he is the source of the freedom you are seeking. He is the path to freedom from the guilt and your past. If you want, our mentors will walk you through how you can have a relationship with Jesus Christ and how you can find true freedom from your guilt and your past. It’s a free and totally confidential service. If you need a mentor please leave another comment and I will set up with a mentor.
I think stopping is hard when you are young. I had to watch my life crumble around me to see clearly the destruction sex addiction can cause. I just do not see things the same. I no longer want to wear sexy clothes. I still want to look attractive but not because I am turning someone on. I used to love the attention and felt beautiful when men would check me out but now I want more. There are beautiful sexy women everywhere..the internet, strip clubs, grocery stores… I wasn’t special. I felt powerful when they wanted me. But guilty after. I was ashamed and lost my self worth.
I now have a family and care more for them than myself. I changed my focus. I feel proud of who I am now.
You have to figure out why you’re making the same mistake over and over, really analyze yourself.
Firstly, I know Jesus Christ and I am a christian. my relashinship is with him is very important for me, I think that is why I feel so guitly of what I do. I would like a mentor though, perhaps someone I can talk to? Kim, that is exactly how I feel sometimes. I want a family, I want children and above all I want respect. I know that if I dont stop my behaviour Ill end up hurting myself and causing myself severe depression.
I am just so confused, do I need to cut off all the people in my life who I know are not right for me? Does giving up men and their attention to me sexually mean that I may not find a boyfriend…
Sorry for all the questions, just really need to break free
I need freedom,
I would sugguest trying a sex addicts 12 step group..lots are out there now (SA, SAA to name a couple to get you started) – my husband does SA and it really seemed to help him realize why he was doing what he was doing – it didn’t “cure” him and it certainly doesn’t allow you to make excuses that you are just an “addict” so this is how you behave..but what it will do at least is put you in touch with lots of women (and men..though I am of the mind set that coed sex meetings are not the best of ideas) who feel exactly the same way you do
Hopefully, it can give you a direction in why you continue to behave in ways that you no longer want to and help you get to the root of your own issues and emotions that likely are being numbed by your behavior..anyway I am not a therapist or advocate in anyway for any type of group, however after realizing all the behavior my husband was engaging in, I found that just being in touch wiht women who had similar feelings as I did, gave me the desire and commitment to stop my own bad behavior in being a codependent wife of a sex addict
The groups are not that difficult to find, and if you aren’t comfortable yet going in person, there are phone meeting everyday, some days 2 or more..just search SA or SAA and find a co ed or women’s only and by tonight you will have heard other women who feel exactly as you do, and maybe you won’t feel so alone in trying to stop.
hope that helps!
Hi I need Freedom,
I have sent your request into mentoring and you should be receiving an email from an TruthMedia Mentor please keep an eye out for the email. It may take a day or two but do not worry someone will email ASAP. In the meantime, feel free to keep commenting on the site.
Personally I think you need to stop searching for a boyfriend and start finding yourself. I doubt any relationship could grow into anything real until you know yourself better. Make a commitment for 6 months to take care of you. Focus on yourself without the distraction of dating. Begin counseling and maybe a journal.Either way I know it helped me to stop trying so hard to get a man to love me and love myself.
I really want to say thank you for the advice Im getting. I am looking into counseling, as I do realise that a lot of what I do is from past experiences in my life, nd Kim you are very right, finding a man right now is not the way out. I do need to love myself and build my own self confidence so I dont go looking for it in men.
Thank you once again, and when I am feeling low I will come here for advice and some guidance.
Hi everyone. I have an amazing girlfriend who I am pretty sure, underneath all my confusion, I love very much. I have always had a problem in masturbating too much – every day and often up to 3 or 4 times a day. I always fantasise about dirty, kinky sex. I used to rely on porn, mainly torture, pain and humiliation / group sex. I have stopped watching porn but still want sex all the time and put my partner under a lot of pressure to “perform”. She has recently said to me that she just wants to feel loved, and have intimate sex. It is also damaging our relationship because although I am incredibly proud to call her my girlfriend, love spending time with her, and trust her more than anything in the world, I am constantly lusting after other women. I have never cheated, and would never cheat, on my girlfriend as I have very high morals. Hence, this is causing me a great deal of emotional stress because I keep thinking my girlfriend cant be the right one for me if i’m always “wanting” other girls. But I care so much about my girlfriend. It has caused me so much emotional trauma that I have recently started to see a counsellor for suffering from Reactive Depression. The thought that I may be addicted to sex only occurred to me this morning, and I’ve just found this site.
Am I addicted to sex?
Thanks for listening.
Dan
Hi,
I am still waiting for a mentor to contact me?
Can someone please tell me how I can arrange for this?
Thanks
To the one that is still waiting for a mentor to contact you…please click on the icon at the top of the site to the right hand side. It says (TALK TO A MENTOR)…may you find the mentoring that you are seeking.
i know im a sex addict part of me wnts to stop and another not to but my life is a mess i dont even know how to change
MY HUSBAND IS A LOVE SEX ADDICT, WE ARE MARRIED FOR ALMOST 19 YRS NOW, I THOUGHT GIVING THE LOVE OF CHRIST WILL CHANGE HIM BUT, NOTHING HAPPENED, IF I DENNY SEX WILL IT HELP? O GOD I HAVE COME TO THE POINT OF GETTING REPPELED BY SEX WITH HIM HOW DO I GO ABOUT IT HELP
I have come to realise I have had a string of marriage @ defacto relationships with alcohol & sex addicts. I am hurting & wonder what it is inside of me that attract me to them
Hellen, its not U all the time. This is the ruling age of the saten, if u look around u will see people sporting death over themselves either in styles or shirts, symbols etc. This indicates that each and every individual is under demonic oppression. Its very few who the truth of knowing Christ has set them free, even though i am going through this problem there is peace within me, if u are desperate for somone to physically love u then, i suggest u look for someone who is in regular touch with the Bible, Torah or Talmud. In my case, this marriage was an arranged one and i did not know anything about the man i married. If my left hand is dirty, or injured i take care of it, i don’t cut it off,i am praying and practically doing things to boost things up, i have seen changes that the psychiatrist or even the psychologist(councellor) couldn’t do. They had only encouraged me to leave him, and that is not the answer.Please, give time for yourself to be healed emotionally, and with prayers God will give u the wisdom to get a right partner at the right time. God Bless U
My friend has been admitting to having a problem with his sexual urges. He often goes out with women. There have been times he gets horny around me. I’ve caught him at alone points with other guys but never had he done anything that i know of. Should I be worried he might try to have sex with me. Are sex addicts just attracted to both sexes?
SEX is the biggest main demon. A person is like a tree pull of the twigs ie the demons of lies, cheating bad mouthing, hate, envy,revenge and judgemental Holier than Thou attitude. Then, the biggest main one that is Sex Idolatory, the person mostly starts with masterbation, fantasy, porn, and then prostitutes, if these do not give the satisfaction the person becomes desperate and loses all morality may it be male/female or even a animal looks attractive. As the person is totally blined by his/her own lust and there is no fear of moral /society or God. Any good advise through constant prayers, a closest confident may help the person to a small extent. But, the small demons of guilt, self torture keep pulling the person down unless untill he/she personally realises and turns to God. Being with addicts is like a insect going towards fire, unless the friend/relative is a strong praying/bible reading person. If the person is Blessed to have a praying partner then i can only say as i too do the same thing and i am seeing results though its not yet steady as my husband is not a christ believer nor even acknowledges that he has addiction. LOVE IS THE GREATES MIRACLE AS REAL LOVE IS KIND AND PATIENT,NEVER JEALOUS, BOASTFUL, PROUD, OR RUDE. LOVE ISN’T SELFISH OR QUICK TEMPERED. IT DOESN’T KEEP A RECORD OF WRONGS THAT OTHERS DO. LOVE REJOICES IN THE TRUTH, BUT NOT IN EVIL. LOVE IS ALWAYS SUPPORTIVE, LOYAL, HOPEFUL, AND TRUSTING. LOVE NEVER FAILS! 1CORINTHIANS 13;4-8.
Questionssss Guy, follow ur inner Spirit. Keep ur friend in prayer and biblical guidance. Put across the truth that today the flesh is attractive just imagine if diseased, burnt will it continue to be so? Would u watch the person die next to u trying to cross the road when a speeding truck is approaching or will u pull him towards safety. If this does not help wean off gradually but, continue to pray for him. I pray ur efforts to help and many will succeed in the name of JESUS CHRIST.
I was married to a sex addict and it really tore my life apart. I met this guy when I was 21yrs old and he was ten years my senior. He definitely had a hold on me by him being an older man. I have never been treated so bad in my life. There was always evidence of infidelity, I was made to feel inadequate all the time. To everyone we had the picture perfect little life. He’s was in the military (still is), owned a home, children and all the guilt gifts he could buy me. I should have went my separate way after meeting him and he told me that he was a recovering drug addict. I felt so used. I felt like he used me and the kids to look normal. I found out about his addiction through a woman who was going to the same NA meetings. My husband had tried to have sex with her and she exposed him to the people at the meeting. Of course, I was the last to know and I became the excuse and the problem. Still to this day this man treats me bad. I’m not married to him anymore, but he’s angry that I found out about him. He’s still the same person and is engaged. I told the girlfriend but of course I’ve been made out to be crazy and the jealous ex-wife. I really feel sorry for her because he only uses women to get what he wants and she is his next victim.
We have to keep in mind that we are not the victims, but, people who are coming out of an extrordinary struggle which is mostly kept in the dark. It’s these struggles that strengthens us. The victims are the abusers who have become addicts to satans clutches, so hate or self pity does not work but aggrevates our own emotion negatively. We can only pray for them and ask God to help us to forget and forgive, as on our its impossible to do so. God Bless U
I recenty left my husband due to the lack of intimacy. We had sex once or twice per week, but it was simply “sex” with no affection. He would have sex with me, using my body, and rarely even kiss me. I feel like his sex toy. And object. I do not feel loved. He has always been emotionally detached, and afraid of closeness. He has premature ejaculation 100% of the time that we have sex, and has always been this way. He has never made it more than 2 or 3 seconds after penetration. I can manually stimulate him, and he can ejaculate in only a minute or two. Has he conditioned himself to this? I have searched the computer and the house for porn, but found nothing. I know where he is all the time, so I don’t believe there is an affair. Could he be a sex addict? Could he be compulsively masturbating? I feel so alone. We have been married for 10 years.
I recently found out that my boyfriend of 8 and a half years is a sex addict. He would never touch me and seemed to me that he preferred masturbation with his archive of porn. As if that wasn’t enough, i found out that he’s been sleeping with hookers for almost a year. He denies ever having sexual intercourse with these women despite the substantial evidence. When asked why he did what he did, he says it gives him a rush; he gets off with the thrill of doing sexually explicit activities, just not with me. I am 6 months pregnant and just recently found all this about him. Two months out of my pregnancy he was still doing things with hookers. I am so lost and torn about what to do. I love him desperately and we’re having a baby together. Should I stay with him and live with a sex addict who has not come to terms about his demons or should I leave now and tear our soon to be family apart? Aside from his sex addiction, he is also a pathological liar. I just don’t know if I can handle all this lying and betrayal…
2 years ago I found out my husband of 10 years was having an affair with someone he met at a bar. the only proof of how far it went was that they kissed and had a couple of dates. after i called him on it , he begged for me not to leave but didnt agree to go to counseling. having just given birth of our second child and feeling helpless i agreed to letting him change on his own. 3 months later I discovered phone texts that he was courting another woman and when she refused to have sex with him it was over. I called him on it and he begged again for me to stay and agreed to go to cousenling. we then moved and the cousenling stopped. 1 year after that I discovered again that he had secret email account and doing porn and visiting sites.. but no real woman all internet fantasy stuff. he again has started on cousenling and even on medication. but six months into it he again has online account. I have not called on him on it. I have come to terms that he has a sexual addiction but actually getting proof that he has had sex with another woman not just internet chats and photos and masturbation I think will totally break me . I have even contemplated suicide to end this all. I some how dont have the courage to leave him and am so sad rather than angry. we have sex about only 1 time a week and i usually do the initating. if anyone is out there please talk to me.
BROKEN AND DEPRESSED, Dearest one, please please do not confess anyting negative in the mighty name of Jesus i rebuke what u have expressed about sucide. Dear please read my above 2 messages back. Your husband loves u, he has even gone for coucelling and medications which is a big stepo, his sould is pleading to one support that is you, do not let him perish, take hold of yoursaelf and understand that what he is doing is a medical problem, if your right hand is dirty will u cut it off? No, my dear, the flesh is liable to sin but not the heart. I was in a worst predicament then yours. I just showed love of Christ and where psychologists, councellors could not help Christ love has helped. My husband is changing gradually. He had no feelings for me earlier, now he has deep respect and sincere love for me. SO DO NOT GIVE UP JESUS IS ALIVE TO YOUR PROBLEM. WHAT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO MAN IS POSSIBLE TO GOD. WALK BY FAITH AND NOT BY SIGHT. LOVE CONQUERS EVERYTHING LOVE NEVER FAILS. REMEMBER U R IMPORTANT NOT JUST TO YOUR CHILDREN , HUSBAND BUT TO URSELF DO NOT BE JUDGEMENTAL AND CRITICAL.