FAQ’S: Sex Addiction
What is sex addiction?
Sex addiction is a way some people medicate their feelings and/or cope with their stresses to the degree that their sexual behavior becomes their major coping mechanism for stresses in their life. The individual often can not stop this sexual behavior for any great length of time by themselves. The sex addict spends a lot of time in the pursuit of his or her sexual behavior/fantasy or they may have a binge of sexual behaviors.
Why do people become sexually addicted?
This is different for every sex addict but generally speaking there are biological, psychological, and spiritual reasons. The following is a short explanation of each reason why someone can become a sex addict. The biological addict is someone who has conditioned their body to receive endorphins and enkephlines (brain chemicals) primarily through reinforcing a fantasy state with the ejaculation that provides these chemicals to their brain. Psychologically, the need to medicate or escape physical, emotional or sexual abuse can demand a substance, the early addict finds the sex medicine usually before alcohol or drugs. Spiritually, a person is filling up the God hole in them with their sexual addiction. The addiction is their spirituality, it comforts them, celebrates them and is always available and present. Then there is the sex addict who can be two or even three of the above reasons. This is why a specialist in sex addiction is the best route for recovery with sex addiction.
What’s the difference between sex addiction and a high sex drive?
I have heard this question on almost every national talk show or radio show I have been on over the years. A person with a high sex drive is satisfied with sex. It’s not about a fix for something; when their partner says “NO” it doesn’t make them go off the handle thinking their partner is totally rejecting them and have to leave the house or act out in some other way. If you can relate to this the chances are there may be an addiction issue.
Can you be addicted to masturbation?
Yes, this is by far the most common sex addiction that I have treated in working with sex addiction. This usually is the first sexual behavior many of us will have on a repeated basis. This is usually where the sexual compulsion starts with sex addicts and this behavior, regardless of other acquired behaviors, usually stays active.
What role does pornography play in sex addiction?
Pornography for many sex addicts combined with regular masturbation is the cornerstone for most sex addicts. Many sex addicts have great difficulty getting sober from this combination of behavior. The pornography with fantasy creates an unreal world that the sex addict visits throughout their adolescence and other developmental stages and creates an object relationship that conditions their emotional and sexual self to depend upon these objects and fantasies to meet their emotional and sexual needs hundreds of times before having sex with a real person.
Can someone be a sex addict and not be sexual with their spouse or committed relationship?
YES! We call this later stage of sex addiction, sexual anorexia. In this stage of sex addiction, the addict prefers the fantasy world and fantasy sex with themselves or others instead of relational sex with their spouse or partner. The addict/anorexic avoids relational sex and hence this couple has sex infrequently and often at the partners request not the addict/anorexics.
What is it like to live with a sex addict from a partner’s or wife’s perspective?
The partners/wives of sex addicts report many similar feelings about living with the sex addict. The feeling of aloneness is a common experience with partners of sex addicts, the sense that he can’t open up and tell you about his “real” self. The confusion of even after you do certain behaviors that this still is not enough and the hopelessness that there isn’t enough. Anger for many different unmet needs as a person and as a woman are often common.
Can partners get help even if the sex addict doesn’t?
Yes, even if the addict stays in denial of their addiction the partner can receive help and support for herself. The feelings of anger, loss, loneliness and many other feelings encountered over the years of living with this addiction will effect a person. These feelings need to be dealt with therapeutically whether they stay married to the addict or not. The addiction was in no way your doing as a partner or wife, the addicts addiction started many years before you even met your addict. This addiction would have grown and damaged anyone they would have related to in any relationship.
Is there recovery for sex addiction?
Yes, there is recovery for sex addiction. This recovery takes time and hard work especially in the first year but with guided help the sex addict can experience restoration in their emotional, relational, sexual, financial and even spiritual lives. I have seen marriages made better than they ever were and addicts live much happier lives than they ever thought possible. I have been in successful recovery over eleven years and I know it’s available for those who choose to work for and maintain recovery.
Is there research on sex addiction available?
There is research being done in the field of sexual addiction. The monitored mail list of Heart to Heart Counseling centers provides weekly research information as well as excerpts from 101 Practical Exercises for sexual addiction recovery as well as Twelve Step discussions.
Can women be sex addicted?
Yes! The number of women desiring treatment is growing significantly. The behaviors are the same as their male counterparts including: masturbation, pornography, internet activity, anonymous encounters and affairs. Over twenty recovering female sex addicts contributed in writing She Has a Secret: Understanding Female Sexual Addiction. This book plus the Secret Solutions Workbook, with over 115 helpful techniques for recovery is just for her. If you would like to set up a telephone counseling appointment to start your journey of recovery, call today. There is hope for female sex addicts to recovery.
Is there any way to help our children not become sexually addicted?
Yes! Even though many of our adult male clients report that their fathers were sex addicts (porn, affairs, prostitutes etc.) they also report getting little to no proper sexual information to balance their sexual perspective. Good Enough to Wait is the first DVD of this kind to help your children understand sex and the brain, the long-term affects of pornography, long term sexual satisfaction and a whole lot more. This is the best combination of sex research and spiritual principles to date for youth to watch to give them a proper and currently informed sex talk.
Resources
If you or someone you love is dealing with sex addiction, there is help available for you. Resources are available from Dr. Weiss’ site.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
Thanks blue-jay I will certainly do that. I have sought help before but I always refused to use medication because I thought there was nothing wrong with my head, I was just an addict (warped kind of logic I realize now).
Indeed STD’s are a major concern also, I have never been tested figured that if I did have something I would have noticed it by now (again twisted logic). This is not only dangerous to me but also to others. Fortunately in an earlier attempt to quit and make amends I have contacted past girl friends and told the truth. They all got tested and were OK. Haven’t had a real relationship since then.
All my previous efforts usually stranded when the guilt got too much. Guilt about having put others in danger, guilt on how I wasted the gift of live, Guilt about lies/deceit.
This is where the words of Enzo come in (guilt is evil). Guilt is part of the vicious circle as well I see now. Getting sober means getting clear headed and that in turn used to mean that I saw what I had done, so I felt guilt, guilt => depression => falling back into the old habit just to loose the negative feelings => feeling even more weak and guilty e.t.c.
So thanks Enzo for the warning for that pitfall.
First I was bigheaded and thought I was strong but after many failed attempts to quit I realized I was weak, but I used that as an excuse to continue. Now I realize that even though I am weak I can pray for strength and guidance and if medication is part of the plan then so be it.
if you meet me on the chat please ask on my progression (concrete actions I have taken). Chatting and venting has kept me sober now for several days. But it is obviously no permanent solution (it won’t pay the bills).
WOW!!! seems a alot of comments here. i read some but ruined… you are not ruined just messed we all are. If you really want to stop the sex addiction..and i speak from alot of experience …get a doctor to give you some zoloft..alot of it 200 or 3 hundred mg a day. I promise you will have no more …physical problems then…then you can just work on your head. Bside it is to dangerous these days with aids and herpes and all. good luck to you !
After I vented my heart out on this board I went into one of the chat rooms. That chat and the people who were in it have really opened my eyes. Although I have always called myself a Christian. I’ve never turned to God before for help with my addiction. I was ashamed, I thought God would think that I’d had my chances (more than one) and I blew it and now I had to suffer the consequences. Besides that I thought God would not buy it if I would suddenly start praying only when I was at the ‘end of my rope’.
The people in the chat room told me that God does not care in what circumstances you turn to him, as long as you do. We did a short bible study on Lucas 4 (Jezus and the devil in the Desert) which also covered resisting temptation (not my strongest point obviously). We covered more on temptation (though I unfortunately can’t remember the chapters). The non judgmental attitude of the people in the board and their wise words really helped me.
I could not find my normal bible so I took out the old children’s bible I got from my sisters when I was only 5. Seeing the drawings in that bible + the writing of my family (for our little brother, june 1977) together with the words of the people in the chat made me brake down and cry afterwards.
I would have considered that’weak’ not so long ago. The next day I almost fell into my old habits, just in time I realized it and started to pray.
Instead of delving into porn I took out my old fishing rods and went fishing. I realize of course that going fishing won’t solve my problems but at least it does not make them worse and I had a good night sleep afterwards.
Being sober from weed and sex addiction is hard because in a clear frame of mind I realize the mess I made for myself and all the times I must have disappointed people. It also makes me realize that the near future will not be pleasant for me. BUT, where in the recent past these things would make me spiral back into addiction I now start praying for strength and then start by actually making small changes.
I realize that my problems are far from over. But at least at this moment they won’t become even worse. There are a lot of hills I must climb, while temptation lurks everywhere. But Quick fixes won’t work.
An important thing at the moment is that my frame of mind changed from ‘I’ve made such a mess, I’d rather die’ to ‘I have to face up to the mess I’ve made because I want to live’. The love I found in the chat room + realizing the love from my family and friends makes me want to live. For this I realize that I have to stop my behaviour and face the consequences. However the most important thing is that I don’t have to face my problems there is someone I can pray to for guidance. The simple fact that I landed on this site getting into the chat which was totally relevant to me, must already have been some kind of guidance/intervention. (Mind you I was looking for something completely opposite when I started surfing around that evening)
I have taken my first steps on recovery now. It’ll be hard and unpleasant and though I probably will never have a ‘normal live’ as in family kids, labrador :). My life still has a purpose.
To all people who are involved with a person who is an addict I would like to wish them strength and wisdom. It is a thin line between helping an addict on the addiction itself and helping them out only with the consequences (such as finances and personal lives). From my own experience my twisted addict mind just thought that I got of easy when someone helped me out with only the results of my addiction (usually finance wise).
I think sex addiction is out there with Heroin, alcohol and all other hard drugs. It might be a slow killer but a killer it is. As with alcohol it is far easier to hide than the harder drug addictions. Both sex and alcohol are part of normal live however if you indulge it will ruin you in the end and hurt many of your loved ones in the process.
Anyway, to cut a way too long story short. This site and the chat have put me on the long road to recovery and making amends. I pray for strength every time I feel the tension gets to much. So far it has helped me (only 2 days now but already that is the longest ‘sober’ time since 25 years).
Dear Fearless
How old are you now?
Anyway, just know this:
You have God in You
You are part of God
Deep inside yourself, you know exactly what is good and what is not
It’s called conscience/consciousness
Listen to It
Then you will see that everything you have done till now, you had to do it to learn
You will also learn that guilt is evil
Quit guilt and evil
Feel free, safe and strong
Decide and do what is really the best for you
What is really the best for you will also be the best regarding the others
You have not sinned
You just had expriences
Have you hurt anyone?
If not, God is happy
If yes and you don’t want to hurt anybody anymore, then God is happy
And, as God is in you, then, you’ll be happy too
Live free, clever and have most pleasures you can get without hurting you and the others
So you will recreate Paradise in and around you
Be free, be clever, have healthy pleasures with your sex, with your body, with your brain, with your heart, with your soul
You have been created in this purpuse
I wish you’ll be happy forever (and instead of calling Fearless, call Confidence- in you-)
I love you Fearless/Confidence (like we all should love each others)
hey guys, when i was 16 years old we always have sex with my boyfriend thrice a week when we broke up i had a relationship with a horny guy and when we see each other we always have sex, until i dont get attracted to love and sweetness anymore and what i think is everyone wants me to have them as their girlfriend for sex. For me, if the guy is hot, handsome and professional i find them have me as their price they never say no to me and that’s the time i felt confidence in me. But still, I cry at night knowing I am not acting normal and premarital sex is a sin. The confusion kills me and i cannot escape it.. I also want to get married and wants to view that it’s not all about sex.
whoops pressed wrong button there.
I was saying that I am just as scared for not being able to act out as I am scared of the problems that will inevitably surface. I am also scared of the future, real scared.
The only thing that keeps me going at this stage is that most of my friends and family have been trough a lot already (tragedies happen in every ones lives) and I don’t want to shove my problems to them. Also there have been suicides in my family earlier, one quite recent one around 30 years ago now. The ones who are left behind will always question why and never really make peace with it.
Anyway in a nuttshell, sex addiction can ruin lives, it certainly has ruined mine. I am glad I have not been married or have children or I would have taken my own family with me in my fall. My only reason to go on and try now is knowing that there are people that love me as a son, brother or friend.
The thought just occurred to me that this might be part of the problem. The people I mentioned above know nothing about my problems. That causes major anxiety of course.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. If you have pointers on where to start, how to make a clean sheet and start all over please feel free.
If and when I am able to come over this I also have to give up smoking and start living more healty. I have to get real old in order to make up for lost time.
In a nuttshell, sex addiction ruins live.
I’ve been a sex addict for roughly 25 years now. Started when I was 13 (masturbating) and it has progressed from there. You name it I’ve probably done it. (Porn, unhealthy relations, escorts, private clubs, alcohol, drugs).
There have been some traumas in my live (relatives dying, suicides) but they are more recent and I was an addict before that.
I’m afraid I can never have a healthy relation. Certainly not now. Early on already I did not want to bring someone I loved into my world of lies.
It is really a killer, I’ve lost several jobs over it (not directly but my acting out has prevented me from becoming the best I can be). Also money problems became so big that I could not hide them.
Internet was no blessing for me, nowadays you can hardly live normal without it but I can’t live normal with it either.
Now here I am almost 40, broke, jobless, the lowest self esteem you can imagine. The one thing that keeps me from killing myself is that I can’t put my family through another tragic death again. Besides that my financials are so fucked that I would not know how my burial is going to be payed for and I don’t want to leave that stuff for the people I’ll leave behind.
I have had some relationships mos of them were unhealthy (girls/women had also issues with alcohol/sex/whatever), guess that’s what they call co-dependent. The one relationship that was healthy which was really going well I broke of since my urges got worse and worse and I did not want to lie to her, the thought of not being able to act out ever again was worse than the thought of loosing her.
Comes to think of it, though I did not want to lie to her, I have lied to almost everyone else in my live.
So here I am almost 40, no job, broke, nothing to fall back on. As I get older it gets harder. When I was younger I had more energy, I could even out bad days at work with super days. Also a young man just starting with a job, being broke now and then was kinda cute. Later a man of 25-30 not wanting to settle down, not working for a mortgage but seemingly having fun 24/7 was kind of ok, even cool. But now……. That image has lost it’s charm.
I see friends getting married, starting families, leading a what I used to consider a boring live. I realize now that I will never have that. I can even start I have to be addiction free and debt free. I read somewhere that for every year you have been an addict it takes two or more years to recover.
I don’t know what started the addiction,as far as I remember I had a great childhood. I’ve tried doing some therapy on my past but nothing came out, just happy memories. Only thing I did miss was a proper sexual education. My parents were quite old fashioned on that they thought that it would be given at school.
I do have a addictive personality I guess. Never went into a casino because I was always afraid of what might happen once I got a taste. I can’t own a playstation or an X box because before you know it I’ll be calling sick for work to finish a game (been there done that). I smoke like crazy and since I have discovered the effects of soft drugs on my sex drive I smoke almost every day now (4 years straight). Weird thing is I don’t have a problem with alcohol. I have known some alcoholics, some have died, the ones that lived can never drink one drop of alcohol again. That is probably why I am cautious with alcohol. I like a good buzz every now and then but only in company of friends and not to the extent that it leads to a massive hangover. Having said that I have problems when I’m the designated driver (when I see friends drink it’s hard not to drink myself).
That was of topic. I’m a guy almost in this 40′s who is having suicidal thoughts because of the mess he’s made of his live. For me, live is over as far as I am concerned, I see no future. I realize that for a future I have to make some drastic changes and if I were able to stop with the addictive behavior and I would ‘sober up’. A shit load of other problems (financial, emotional) would come to the surface.
At the moment I am just as scared of the thought of not being able to act out (and forget all the problems) as I am scared of the problems I will inevetably h
about sex adiction
i need help with masterbation and porno adiction
Sexaul addiction or porn addiction is very hard to brake. I never cheated on my wife,but watching porn led to the break up of my marriage. Porn makes you want to do the things you see. I wanted to do those things with my wife.
I do not know that being sexaully abused as a child had any thing to do with the addiction. I fight this addition everyday. I do well for a while then I find myself falling back at times. I wish I could break this habit for good. What has help you? Thank you
I have been married for 10 years and have known for years my husband looks at porn at time, which I do not approve of. I am not a person that is against porn movie’s if the husband and wife watch it together at times. Well, over the years it appeared he was doing it more and more and we have children and i was very fearful the kids would see the flash up’s if they were on the computer. He would work very late almost every day he works and I just assumed he was working and was not a nag at all. My good friends would even ask me if I thought he was doing anything wrong and I did not at all. I had him served a few months ago with legal separation papers which had a list of things he had to accomplish before I would even consider staying married to him. He had to go to treatment for sex addiction, get a therapist, go to SA meetings and AA since he is also a recovering addict and alcoholic. Well when he got back from treatment he was sharing and stated that it was good for the men to be able to openly speak of the porn and affairs. I said wait a minute, what affairs? I said did you have a affair? He said we need to talk to a therapist about this. Well he has been sleeping with prostitutes for over 9 1/2 years of our 10 year marriage. I am sick! I feel like my entire world has exploded in front of me. We have not had a easy marriage but I never ever thought he would cheat on me. I have since been tested at the gyno and had my annual while I was there and they found discoloration on my vulnar, which could be cancer. The doctor said it was HPV which is given by people who have warts. I was sick. He has warts and got it from the whores and gave me HPV. I had a biopy Thursday and have to wait 1 to 2 weeks for results. The crazy things I love him still but want to be freed from him as well. He has a sick hold on me and I feel like I cant live without him. Please please someone help?
I only found out 2 days ago that I have been in a nearly 5 year relationship with a sex addict, my mind is completely reeling I feel like my legs have been ripped from under me – he lied so often and so well I truly didnt even realise this was an issue. I look back on things that didnt seem quite right and I think maybe I didn’t want to see what was going on and happily ate up his lies. He says he was so glad I found out his secret as he couldn’t bear to tell me in case I walked away and wants to get help. He says he hasnt slept with anyone just online porn, chat sites etc and I am trying to believe him but how can you when he has been so dishonest with me – so many conversations – so many opportunities to let me know and he either lied straight to my face or didn’t tell the full truth. Is it so strange to be more angry about the lies then the actual activity? I can relate to some of the things that have been said above from women who have been there – it just all feels so unreal, he has booked himself in to see a counsellor who specialises in sex addiction and I hope this helps – I told him I would support him through this as a friend but I have completly shut myself off to him emotionally and I really dont know if I can be with him again in a relationship – I have been trying to hold it together, go to work etc but I cant get my mind off it and end up sitting in the ladies bawling to myself silently, does it ever get better? can they really change? I feel sick from it all.
I just found out my husband of 17 yrs is a sex addict, after receiving a phone call from him telling me he was arrested for engaging into an online hookers service; I even have to pay for his bail out($300) now he has to face the law and all that is involved. I’m 6 months pregnant at this moment and after enduring many episodes of mistresses during our marriage, still don’t have the courage to leave him. I’m very dissapointed in myself but since this pregnancy was a total surprise I don’t feel strong enough to raise my baby girl by myself. At home he’s normally kind, “loving” and a good father to our other 15 yr old daughter. I use to think we have a decent sex life but now I realize he wasn’t much into me, we haven’t had sex since we knew about my pregnancy 5 months ago. I feel so overwhelmed with guilt for everything that I let pass over me. Some words of advise?
I have just realized that my man is a sex addict. He has three computers at home and seems especially into online mistresses, cyber-sex, phone sex, getting pictures of women’s private parts. I am devastated. He almost worshipped me during our 1 1/2 yr. relationship, loved being out w/ me, touching me, kissing, very jealous of any man noticing me. I really didn’t even think he would cheat on me until I started getting strange feelings about his behavior.
I am very attractive and honestly he is not but I am for some reason so bonded to him and although I have broken it off w/ him, won’t speak or see him but my heart is aching so badly. I don’t even understand my feelings. Can a sex addict actually love another person b/c he always told me that he did or is it not possible for the addict to have this feeling?
I really could use some insight, I have to move on but am having a very hard time doing so. I feel sooo used and manipulated and no one has mentioned it but I am terrified that I could have contracted AIDS from him! I’m going to the doctor tomorrow but not even sure I WANT to know. So scared…
Hello
I am a man that loves to make Love!
To the woman that I love
And the woman that I love is a woman (Christiane!) that tells me “Kiss me please, I love you” (because I have proven her that I love her and that I desire her)
Then we make Love with passion and tenderness, with respect and caresses
Unfortunately, she’s not my wife (that I love, too).
Because my wife never tells me she loves me, even if I act good to her.
I feel neglected, rejected, so I can’t approch her.
You wives or girlfriends, do you respect, love and tell him that you love him?
If not, he will search this with an other woman.
If yes, either will he be a good man, a good lover and you (both) win
Or he doesn’t love or respect you: flee at once and avoid him like the plague!
Is it too simple?
This is life, real life.
BROKEN AND DEPRESSED, Dearest one, please please do not confess anyting negative in the mighty name of Jesus i rebuke what u have expressed about sucide. Dear please read my above 2 messages back. Your husband loves u, he has even gone for coucelling and medications which is a big stepo, his sould is pleading to one support that is you, do not let him perish, take hold of yoursaelf and understand that what he is doing is a medical problem, if your right hand is dirty will u cut it off? No, my dear, the flesh is liable to sin but not the heart. I was in a worst predicament then yours. I just showed love of Christ and where psychologists, councellors could not help Christ love has helped. My husband is changing gradually. He had no feelings for me earlier, now he has deep respect and sincere love for me. SO DO NOT GIVE UP JESUS IS ALIVE TO YOUR PROBLEM. WHAT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO MAN IS POSSIBLE TO GOD. WALK BY FAITH AND NOT BY SIGHT. LOVE CONQUERS EVERYTHING LOVE NEVER FAILS. REMEMBER U R IMPORTANT NOT JUST TO YOUR CHILDREN , HUSBAND BUT TO URSELF DO NOT BE JUDGEMENTAL AND CRITICAL.
2 years ago I found out my husband of 10 years was having an affair with someone he met at a bar. the only proof of how far it went was that they kissed and had a couple of dates. after i called him on it , he begged for me not to leave but didnt agree to go to counseling. having just given birth of our second child and feeling helpless i agreed to letting him change on his own. 3 months later I discovered phone texts that he was courting another woman and when she refused to have sex with him it was over. I called him on it and he begged again for me to stay and agreed to go to cousenling. we then moved and the cousenling stopped. 1 year after that I discovered again that he had secret email account and doing porn and visiting sites.. but no real woman all internet fantasy stuff. he again has started on cousenling and even on medication. but six months into it he again has online account. I have not called on him on it. I have come to terms that he has a sexual addiction but actually getting proof that he has had sex with another woman not just internet chats and photos and masturbation I think will totally break me . I have even contemplated suicide to end this all. I some how dont have the courage to leave him and am so sad rather than angry. we have sex about only 1 time a week and i usually do the initating. if anyone is out there please talk to me.
I recently found out that my boyfriend of 8 and a half years is a sex addict. He would never touch me and seemed to me that he preferred masturbation with his archive of porn. As if that wasn’t enough, i found out that he’s been sleeping with hookers for almost a year. He denies ever having sexual intercourse with these women despite the substantial evidence. When asked why he did what he did, he says it gives him a rush; he gets off with the thrill of doing sexually explicit activities, just not with me. I am 6 months pregnant and just recently found all this about him. Two months out of my pregnancy he was still doing things with hookers. I am so lost and torn about what to do. I love him desperately and we’re having a baby together. Should I stay with him and live with a sex addict who has not come to terms about his demons or should I leave now and tear our soon to be family apart? Aside from his sex addiction, he is also a pathological liar. I just don’t know if I can handle all this lying and betrayal…
I recenty left my husband due to the lack of intimacy. We had sex once or twice per week, but it was simply “sex” with no affection. He would have sex with me, using my body, and rarely even kiss me. I feel like his sex toy. And object. I do not feel loved. He has always been emotionally detached, and afraid of closeness. He has premature ejaculation 100% of the time that we have sex, and has always been this way. He has never made it more than 2 or 3 seconds after penetration. I can manually stimulate him, and he can ejaculate in only a minute or two. Has he conditioned himself to this? I have searched the computer and the house for porn, but found nothing. I know where he is all the time, so I don’t believe there is an affair. Could he be a sex addict? Could he be compulsively masturbating? I feel so alone. We have been married for 10 years.
We have to keep in mind that we are not the victims, but, people who are coming out of an extrordinary struggle which is mostly kept in the dark. It’s these struggles that strengthens us. The victims are the abusers who have become addicts to satans clutches, so hate or self pity does not work but aggrevates our own emotion negatively. We can only pray for them and ask God to help us to forget and forgive, as on our its impossible to do so. God Bless U
I was married to a sex addict and it really tore my life apart. I met this guy when I was 21yrs old and he was ten years my senior. He definitely had a hold on me by him being an older man. I have never been treated so bad in my life. There was always evidence of infidelity, I was made to feel inadequate all the time. To everyone we had the picture perfect little life. He’s was in the military (still is), owned a home, children and all the guilt gifts he could buy me. I should have went my separate way after meeting him and he told me that he was a recovering drug addict. I felt so used. I felt like he used me and the kids to look normal. I found out about his addiction through a woman who was going to the same NA meetings. My husband had tried to have sex with her and she exposed him to the people at the meeting. Of course, I was the last to know and I became the excuse and the problem. Still to this day this man treats me bad. I’m not married to him anymore, but he’s angry that I found out about him. He’s still the same person and is engaged. I told the girlfriend but of course I’ve been made out to be crazy and the jealous ex-wife. I really feel sorry for her because he only uses women to get what he wants and she is his next victim.
SEX is the biggest main demon. A person is like a tree pull of the twigs ie the demons of lies, cheating bad mouthing, hate, envy,revenge and judgemental Holier than Thou attitude. Then, the biggest main one that is Sex Idolatory, the person mostly starts with masterbation, fantasy, porn, and then prostitutes, if these do not give the satisfaction the person becomes desperate and loses all morality may it be male/female or even a animal looks attractive. As the person is totally blined by his/her own lust and there is no fear of moral /society or God. Any good advise through constant prayers, a closest confident may help the person to a small extent. But, the small demons of guilt, self torture keep pulling the person down unless untill he/she personally realises and turns to God. Being with addicts is like a insect going towards fire, unless the friend/relative is a strong praying/bible reading person. If the person is Blessed to have a praying partner then i can only say as i too do the same thing and i am seeing results though its not yet steady as my husband is not a christ believer nor even acknowledges that he has addiction. LOVE IS THE GREATES MIRACLE AS REAL LOVE IS KIND AND PATIENT,NEVER JEALOUS, BOASTFUL, PROUD, OR RUDE. LOVE ISN’T SELFISH OR QUICK TEMPERED. IT DOESN’T KEEP A RECORD OF WRONGS THAT OTHERS DO. LOVE REJOICES IN THE TRUTH, BUT NOT IN EVIL. LOVE IS ALWAYS SUPPORTIVE, LOYAL, HOPEFUL, AND TRUSTING. LOVE NEVER FAILS! 1CORINTHIANS 13;4-8.
Questionssss Guy, follow ur inner Spirit. Keep ur friend in prayer and biblical guidance. Put across the truth that today the flesh is attractive just imagine if diseased, burnt will it continue to be so? Would u watch the person die next to u trying to cross the road when a speeding truck is approaching or will u pull him towards safety. If this does not help wean off gradually but, continue to pray for him. I pray ur efforts to help and many will succeed in the name of JESUS CHRIST.
My friend has been admitting to having a problem with his sexual urges. He often goes out with women. There have been times he gets horny around me. I’ve caught him at alone points with other guys but never had he done anything that i know of. Should I be worried he might try to have sex with me. Are sex addicts just attracted to both sexes?
Hellen, its not U all the time. This is the ruling age of the saten, if u look around u will see people sporting death over themselves either in styles or shirts, symbols etc. This indicates that each and every individual is under demonic oppression. Its very few who the truth of knowing Christ has set them free, even though i am going through this problem there is peace within me, if u are desperate for somone to physically love u then, i suggest u look for someone who is in regular touch with the Bible, Torah or Talmud. In my case, this marriage was an arranged one and i did not know anything about the man i married. If my left hand is dirty, or injured i take care of it, i don’t cut it off,i am praying and practically doing things to boost things up, i have seen changes that the psychiatrist or even the psychologist(councellor) couldn’t do. They had only encouraged me to leave him, and that is not the answer.Please, give time for yourself to be healed emotionally, and with prayers God will give u the wisdom to get a right partner at the right time. God Bless U
I have come to realise I have had a string of marriage @ defacto relationships with alcohol & sex addicts. I am hurting & wonder what it is inside of me that attract me to them
MY HUSBAND IS A LOVE SEX ADDICT, WE ARE MARRIED FOR ALMOST 19 YRS NOW, I THOUGHT GIVING THE LOVE OF CHRIST WILL CHANGE HIM BUT, NOTHING HAPPENED, IF I DENNY SEX WILL IT HELP? O GOD I HAVE COME TO THE POINT OF GETTING REPPELED BY SEX WITH HIM HOW DO I GO ABOUT IT HELP
i know im a sex addict part of me wnts to stop and another not to but my life is a mess i dont even know how to change
To the one that is still waiting for a mentor to contact you…please click on the icon at the top of the site to the right hand side. It says (TALK TO A MENTOR)…may you find the mentoring that you are seeking.
Hi,
I am still waiting for a mentor to contact me?
Can someone please tell me how I can arrange for this?
Thanks
Hi everyone. I have an amazing girlfriend who I am pretty sure, underneath all my confusion, I love very much. I have always had a problem in masturbating too much – every day and often up to 3 or 4 times a day. I always fantasise about dirty, kinky sex. I used to rely on porn, mainly torture, pain and humiliation / group sex. I have stopped watching porn but still want sex all the time and put my partner under a lot of pressure to “perform”. She has recently said to me that she just wants to feel loved, and have intimate sex. It is also damaging our relationship because although I am incredibly proud to call her my girlfriend, love spending time with her, and trust her more than anything in the world, I am constantly lusting after other women. I have never cheated, and would never cheat, on my girlfriend as I have very high morals. Hence, this is causing me a great deal of emotional stress because I keep thinking my girlfriend cant be the right one for me if i’m always “wanting” other girls. But I care so much about my girlfriend. It has caused me so much emotional trauma that I have recently started to see a counsellor for suffering from Reactive Depression. The thought that I may be addicted to sex only occurred to me this morning, and I’ve just found this site.
Am I addicted to sex?
Thanks for listening.
Dan
I really want to say thank you for the advice Im getting. I am looking into counseling, as I do realise that a lot of what I do is from past experiences in my life, nd Kim you are very right, finding a man right now is not the way out. I do need to love myself and build my own self confidence so I dont go looking for it in men.
Thank you once again, and when I am feeling low I will come here for advice and some guidance.
Personally I think you need to stop searching for a boyfriend and start finding yourself. I doubt any relationship could grow into anything real until you know yourself better. Make a commitment for 6 months to take care of you. Focus on yourself without the distraction of dating. Begin counseling and maybe a journal.Either way I know it helped me to stop trying so hard to get a man to love me and love myself.
Hi I need Freedom,
I have sent your request into mentoring and you should be receiving an email from an TruthMedia Mentor please keep an eye out for the email. It may take a day or two but do not worry someone will email ASAP. In the meantime, feel free to keep commenting on the site.
I need freedom,
I would sugguest trying a sex addicts 12 step group..lots are out there now (SA, SAA to name a couple to get you started) – my husband does SA and it really seemed to help him realize why he was doing what he was doing – it didn’t “cure” him and it certainly doesn’t allow you to make excuses that you are just an “addict” so this is how you behave..but what it will do at least is put you in touch with lots of women (and men..though I am of the mind set that coed sex meetings are not the best of ideas) who feel exactly the same way you do
Hopefully, it can give you a direction in why you continue to behave in ways that you no longer want to and help you get to the root of your own issues and emotions that likely are being numbed by your behavior..anyway I am not a therapist or advocate in anyway for any type of group, however after realizing all the behavior my husband was engaging in, I found that just being in touch wiht women who had similar feelings as I did, gave me the desire and commitment to stop my own bad behavior in being a codependent wife of a sex addict
The groups are not that difficult to find, and if you aren’t comfortable yet going in person, there are phone meeting everyday, some days 2 or more..just search SA or SAA and find a co ed or women’s only and by tonight you will have heard other women who feel exactly as you do, and maybe you won’t feel so alone in trying to stop.
hope that helps!
Firstly, I know Jesus Christ and I am a christian. my relashinship is with him is very important for me, I think that is why I feel so guitly of what I do. I would like a mentor though, perhaps someone I can talk to? Kim, that is exactly how I feel sometimes. I want a family, I want children and above all I want respect. I know that if I dont stop my behaviour Ill end up hurting myself and causing myself severe depression.
I am just so confused, do I need to cut off all the people in my life who I know are not right for me? Does giving up men and their attention to me sexually mean that I may not find a boyfriend…
Sorry for all the questions, just really need to break free
I think stopping is hard when you are young. I had to watch my life crumble around me to see clearly the destruction sex addiction can cause. I just do not see things the same. I no longer want to wear sexy clothes. I still want to look attractive but not because I am turning someone on. I used to love the attention and felt beautiful when men would check me out but now I want more. There are beautiful sexy women everywhere..the internet, strip clubs, grocery stores… I wasn’t special. I felt powerful when they wanted me. But guilty after. I was ashamed and lost my self worth.
I now have a family and care more for them than myself. I changed my focus. I feel proud of who I am now.
You have to figure out why you’re making the same mistake over and over, really analyze yourself.
Dear I need Freedom,
I hear your pain, although I have not experienced your experience my heart hurts for you. All I can tell you is what I have learned, Jesus Loves you and he is the source of the freedom you are seeking. He is the path to freedom from the guilt and your past. If you want, our mentors will walk you through how you can have a relationship with Jesus Christ and how you can find true freedom from your guilt and your past. It’s a free and totally confidential service. If you need a mentor please leave another comment and I will set up with a mentor.
I think the sound of a sex addict is impossible, and I keep telling myself that its ok. but I know its not. I am 21 years old, and since I was 17 I have slept with different guys, at first I found it fun, but I realised that I relie on it to build my self confidence. I end up doing things with guys and then I cry myself to sleep, or wake up with this terrible guilt. I really am confused, I dont want to seem uncool, or to loose ‘friends’ but at the same time I so badly want to get married and have my life, I cant do this when I behave the way I do. Please someone give me practical advise, how do you just stop?
Im confused, lonely and feel like Ill never be good enough for a man unless I am having sex with them….
I found out about his addiction June 3rd of 2008 – as well as my own co dependency issues..at first I screamed, cried, became violent, etc..than I began going to meetings and met lots of other women similar to me – it didn’t cure him and even though he was going to meetings (1-2 a day for the past 2 years) his progress has been slow and painful..my family is not aware so we still have to play the “perfect couple”
I have been having a hard time lately because most of the women I met, the same women who helped me get to where I am, have since let the program, divorced their husbands, and no longer want to associate with that time in their life (which I completely understand!) but it leaves me isolated again..anyway if anyone out there is looking to chat about sex addiction or the like, sent me an email (scottnicole678@aol.com) – I could use a new perspective and possibly a friend in this!
I was married for almost 10 years to a sex addict. He always got so angry if we didn’t have sex. Even after our children were born and the doctor said wait he gave me guilt trips. I am very sexually experimental and have a healthy sex drive but it was never enough and became a chore. I always felt like he lied and was cheating but never had proof. I finally caught him and he came clean about so much. It was a relief because I just knew. He went to strip clubs, massage parlors, and escorts. Since our divorce he has gotten therapy and claims to be cured. Says he thinks those people are disgusting and doesn’t even desire that anymore. I miss our family and know our kids would love having us back together. But can I trust him? I mean can he really be cured and not desire these things? And can I really forgive him? If anyone has had experience with this let me know. Thank you.
Just last month I discovered my husband of over 20 years is a sex addict. I think for all of us the lying and deception is most hurtful. The scariest part is how sex addicts are able to lie for years without it bothering their conscience. Now that I know that my husband can lie for years without it ripping his conscience apart, I believe that he is capable of anything. The note on sexual anorexia was enlightening. I was beginning to think my guy was homosexual because he had such a low, sex drive with me. Little did I know he just had a strong preference for masturbation and grinding with strippers. He claims he never had intercourse with the strippers, he just paid them weekly to help him ejaculate on himself in a strip club. How perverted is that? A husband, father of three and respected 52 year old man sitting in a strip club ejaculating on himself, then coming home and smiling as he ate dinner.
My husband has been a sex addict our whole marriage, 12 years, I am a recovering alcoholic of 3 years and igonored his addiction for most of our marriage. As I got into recovery myself and started to work a 12 step program more was revealed. I tried to show him there was a better way so he started to go to SA meetings and see a counselor…the lies and manipulation continued. I realized he was doing it for me and not his self. I recently rented a house a week ago because I kept doing the same thing expecting different results. I Love this man very much. All I can do is hope he will do the next right thing. I know how powerful addictions can be but there is a way out.
I find out since 5 year’s that my wife is a sex addict. It was very strange, because she was the one, who never wanted sex with me. Only one time every two months. I understand now what causes sex addiction, because my wife always had fear for true intimacy. She was always a very closed person, who could not express her true feelings. She was always cleaning the house and looked like a real workaholic. I find out that she never could combine sex with true intimacy. My wife can have good sex with strangers, but if she get close to someone, she turns to frigidity.
I find out that sex addicts may have intense fear for being open and true intimacy. But the mistake in our society is that almost everybody denies female sex addiction. There is no help for the husband of a sex addicted wife.
Chloe, I am now 45 years & have just discovered that there is such a thing as a sex addict. After reading a few articles I realize that I have been one for years. No matter how great my relationship is going I find a way to cheat. It gives me such a rush & I have now convinced my self that I need to do this to stay sane. The stresses of the Job the husband, the kids would simply drive me mad if I did not have this outlet.
to Chloe
Not wanting to stop maybe normal but WHY you have so much sex, flirtation, dressing for attention, or even being isolated from everyone while you believe everyone around you is also doing this great thing but realizing more often than not that you are the slut not them.
The REASON is what needs to explored, just wanting to enjoy some sex here and there within a relationship is one thing but wanting it from everyone all the time is a lot different. Having the need to do sex, porn, love attention or any thing else that is for your pleasure alone is where an addiction starts… and once an addiction starts it takes a long time to recover even after you get into a long term relationship—marriage . The addiction is there and you will cheat to use your addiction
I’m a lady. I’m 19. I’m pretty sure I may be a ‘sex addict’ after reading a bunch about it. More than sure. Shits falling all around me, I can only be so good at lieing, but I don’t know if I want to stop…I can’t imagine it.
I have been sober from porn and masturbation for 11 months but I still have a hard time being intimate with my wife. It seems we are just too busy or just too tried to have intimacy. We even started to schedule time but that only last about a month per my spouse being just so tried and busy. Being sober and doing recovery has allow me to reach out to other men in my church and we now have a SAAFE group…. sex addict anonymous for everyone. The biggest issue with the women is having private meetings so I refer them to women only meetings, the biggest issue with the men is the visualization is every where. Bill boards, TV, web sites, ads, and just going to the mall.
There is hope, but it is not just stopping it is a process of recovery. Why do we act out, when do we act out, what is the manner of how deep the addiction has gotten, But if each addict strives to be honest and indentify emotions the process begins.
CB
I have lived with my addictive husband for 35 years. I have left and he begged me to come back. I have no trust or respect for him. I am so very isolated and depend greatly on my children and friends for love and compassion. All these years he blamed me…and I belevied him. What a waste.
Charlie-
I have been the “friend with benefits” wife, for nearly 7 years. Please get help. My husband’s addiction has isolated me from any true intimacy. Sex without intimacy became a scheduled duty for me. I have now left my husband, and torn my little “perfect” family apart, over his secret. I tried for years to reach him, but by the time I left it was too late. He wants to change now, but I cannot get back the love and trust I once had for him. Don’t let your story end up like mine.
I have known for years I had a problem but I also felt that I was normal and all men had this same issue, it was just something we struggel with. What I didn’t realized till just recently was I had no real intimacy with any of my sex partners. We had sex we had enjoyment but I just could not “keep” a relationship. Not I realized I am addicted to fantasy state compounded with a real biological satisfaction and I really don’t have a relationship I have friends, exclusive friend w/ benefits is my wife.