FAQ’S: Sex Addiction
What is sex addiction?
Sex addiction is a way some people medicate their feelings and/or cope with their stresses to the degree that their sexual behavior becomes their major coping mechanism for stresses in their life. The individual often can not stop this sexual behavior for any great length of time by themselves. The sex addict spends a lot of time in the pursuit of his or her sexual behavior/fantasy or they may have a binge of sexual behaviors.
Why do people become sexually addicted?
This is different for every sex addict but generally speaking there are biological, psychological, and spiritual reasons. The following is a short explanation of each reason why someone can become a sex addict. The biological addict is someone who has conditioned their body to receive endorphins and enkephlines (brain chemicals) primarily through reinforcing a fantasy state with the ejaculation that provides these chemicals to their brain. Psychologically, the need to medicate or escape physical, emotional or sexual abuse can demand a substance, the early addict finds the sex medicine usually before alcohol or drugs. Spiritually, a person is filling up the God hole in them with their sexual addiction. The addiction is their spirituality, it comforts them, celebrates them and is always available and present. Then there is the sex addict who can be two or even three of the above reasons. This is why a specialist in sex addiction is the best route for recovery with sex addiction.
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What’s the difference between sex addiction and a high sex drive?
I have heard this question on almost every national talk show or radio show I have been on over the years. A person with a high sex drive is satisfied with sex. It’s not about a fix for something; when their partner says “NO” it doesn’t make them go off the handle thinking their partner is totally rejecting them and have to leave the house or act out in some other way. If you can relate to this the chances are there may be an addiction issue.
Can you be addicted to masturbation?
Yes, this is by far the most common sex addiction that I have treated in working with sex addiction. This usually is the first sexual behavior many of us will have on a repeated basis. This is usually where the sexual compulsion starts with sex addicts and this behavior, regardless of other acquired behaviors, usually stays active.
What role does pornography play in sex addiction?
Pornography for many sex addicts combined with regular masturbation is the cornerstone for most sex addicts. Many sex addicts have great difficulty getting sober from this combination of behavior. The pornography with fantasy creates an unreal world that the sex addict visits throughout their adolescence and other developmental stages and creates an object relationship that conditions their emotional and sexual self to depend upon these objects and fantasies to meet their emotional and sexual needs hundreds of times before having sex with a real person.
Can someone be a sex addict and not be sexual with their spouse or committed relationship?
YES! We call this later stage of sex addiction, sexual anorexia. In this stage of sex addiction, the addict prefers the fantasy world and fantasy sex with themselves or others instead of relational sex with their spouse or partner. The addict/anorexic avoids relational sex and hence this couple has sex infrequently and often at the partners request not the addict/anorexics.
What is it like to live with a sex addict from a partner’s or wife’s perspective?
The partners/wives of sex addicts report many similar feelings about living with the sex addict. The feeling of aloneness is a common experience with partners of sex addicts, the sense that he can’t open up and tell you about his “real” self. The confusion of even after you do certain behaviors that this still is not enough and the hopelessness that there isn’t enough. Anger for many different unmet needs as a person and as a woman are often common.
Can partners get help even if the sex addict doesn’t?
Yes, even if the addict stays in denial of their addiction the partner can receive help and support for herself. The feelings of anger, loss, loneliness and many other feelings encountered over the years of living with this addiction will effect a person. These feelings need to be dealt with therapeutically whether they stay married to the addict or not. The addiction was in no way your doing as a partner or wife, the addicts addiction started many years before you even met your addict. This addiction would have grown and damaged anyone they would have related to in any relationship.
Is there recovery for sex addiction?
Yes, there is recovery for sex addiction. This recovery takes time and hard work especially in the first year but with guided help the sex addict can experience restoration in their emotional, relational, sexual, financial and even spiritual lives. I have seen marriages made better than they ever were and addicts live much happier lives than they ever thought possible. I have been in successful recovery over eleven years and I know it’s available for those who choose to work for and maintain recovery.
Is there research on sex addiction available?
There is research being done in the field of sexual addiction. The monitored mail list of Heart to Heart Counseling centers provides weekly research information as well as excerpts from 101 Practical Exercises for sexual addiction recovery as well as Twelve Step discussions.
Can women be sex addicted?
Yes! The number of women desiring treatment is growing significantly. The behaviors are the same as their male counterparts including: masturbation, pornography, internet activity, anonymous encounters and affairs. Over twenty recovering female sex addicts contributed in writing She Has a Secret: Understanding Female Sexual Addiction. This book plus the Secret Solutions Workbook, with over 115 helpful techniques for recovery is just for her. If you would like to set up a telephone counseling appointment to start your journey of recovery, call today. There is hope for female sex addicts to recovery.
Is there any way to help our children not become sexually addicted?
Yes! Even though many of our adult male clients report that their fathers were sex addicts (porn, affairs, prostitutes etc.) they also report getting little to no proper sexual information to balance their sexual perspective. Good Enough to Wait is the first DVD of this kind to help your children understand sex and the brain, the long-term affects of pornography, long term sexual satisfaction and a whole lot more. This is the best combination of sex research and spiritual principles to date for youth to watch to give them a proper and currently informed sex talk.
Resources
If you or someone you love is dealing with sex addiction, there is help available for you. Resources are available from Dr. Weiss’ site.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
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These men have sick hearts. Only God can deliver them. Life is too short to stand by them. Leave them to their own vices and trust God to deal with them. An addiction is like any other, they will sell out their own mother, wife, kids, etc to continue. It’s bondage pure and simple. The only way to be set free is for them to confess the weakness and ask God to help them. Man cannot deliver/change himself….only God can do that. First they must want to change and then confess and let God in. This is true for all the bondage and strongholds we subcomb to in our lives. It’s a prison but you have to take care of you and get away from them, ask God to help you forgive them and he will heal you. I hope each of you will turn to God for healing and restoration. Satan loves to break up families and many are falling away because of sexual immorality. Also to the women who entertain these men….get help, the reaping you will experience from your behavior will be excrutiating…but God loves you too and has a plan for you. Seek him to meet your needs. Love yourself, respect yourself.
To everyone who has posted on this sight, thank you for sharing your stories.Sadly, I relate to all of you. I have been married to a sex addict for 20 years. I didn’t have a name for it until 2 years ago but after the first year of us being together our relationship was a drama filled one.I have learned through reading(contrary to love is a great book) that it wasn’t bad luck that drew my husband and I together. Like a few people have mentioned on here if you find yourself with an addict..you have issues to deal with also. I’ve realized that by living with drama, working,being busy with kids and finally putting the name of addiction to my husbands behavior. I was able to disconnect from myself. My thoughts,dreams, fears, etc., because I was always focused on others, I never had to look deeply inside myself.My addiction was trying to control so I could feel safe and wouldn’t get hurt by the actions of people I loved. Ironically creating a self fulfilling prophesy. I am so impressed with S & L female recovering addict. Yes, I really agree that without SLAA or mentor-ship of some kind all the want and therapy in the world will not help an addict fully recover. My husband and I have spent tens of thousands of dollars on therapy and while it has helped communication issues etc. it has not been able to get the addict to stop lying. Addicts have an amazing ability to convince people of things. I separate the person my husband is in heart and sole from his addict and while my husband is a good man, his addict is still telling him that if he just does the right things he won’t have to open himself up to the scrutiny of others like he would in a twelve step program.The tole of addiction is heartbreaking. Sex addicts will often have cross addictions such as drugs or alcohol and while drinking heavier they may not act out sexually as much and vice versa. I googled “Do people really change addictive behavior” today and found this sight. (Divine intervention) I have healed so much in the last year but still struggle with the knowledge that I can not fix someone, that only you have the power to heal yourself. The journey of life is a complex educational experience and I thank everyone again for being my teachers today;-) I offer my prayer for healing, love and strength to you all.
Dear Stressed Mom,
It sounds like you are really dealing with a lot right now. Sometimes it helps to have someone to talk to about it. Here at Power to Change, we offer a mentoring program that gives you the opportunity to have a confidential conversation with a trained mentor. If you would be interested, visit http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/.
Dear JH,
It is so hard to live with an addict. My husbnad still has profiles on those crappy sexdating sites and he is constantly telling lies. the other day he found some of his recent pictures having sex with I don’t know who. He comes home late from work and says that there was a phone call from his dad or someone came to meet him. I don’t ask him anything know because he ahs started playing the blame game. He says ” you are a liar and make up stories to prove I am bad and mean”. As Leah said that these addicts are great liars. my husband is great at telling lies. We live in a joint afmily system and he excpects from that I should do all the household chores for his mom n siblings as if I am a servant. Those people haven’t treated me nicely either. His mom n sis just keep yelling at me as if I am a slave or a servant.
As for my husband’s addiction I feel he can never control any of his addictions.
I wish had never married him. But I can’t leave him because of my kid. in case I leave him. He would take the most precious thing of my life from me and that is my baby.
I hope God brings this guy on the right path that is why I have given him a chance.
regards
stressed mom
Hello recovering female s&l
“I constantly attract men who are unavailable to me in some way” and that the case with me:
Because your intervention just above is clever and demonstrate humanity, it touches me
And as I am attracted by clever people, I am attracted by you
Just understand me well, please:
It is normal to be attracted by people that have the same ideas like you, just to have conversation and learn from the other
It doesn’t mean to fall in love with him/her
We can behave like adults and stay in an adult relation
I just find you clever and full of humanity and this is my concept of the Beauty
Yes, you attract me, but could it be possible that we exchange ideas, experiences like adults and remain adult in our exchange?
Yes, I am unavailable to you: I live in Europe and intend to stay there. A travel is always possible, but I don’t like travelling by plane
I would like to be someone that brings you something positive, constructive
If you feel the same, it’s ok to go on
If not…
Friendly
Enzo
Hi Don’t know what to do, and hi other posters,
I’m a recovering female sex and love addict.
I’ve been reading through all these posts and don’t understand why no-one has mentioned the 12-step fellowship Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous?
Don’t Know, it is for both sex and love addicts. It sounds like it would help both your fiance AND you.
In this fellowship you enter into a recovery process with other addicts that involves a ‘sponsor’ (like a mentor), the 12 steps of addiction recovery, and a ‘Higher Power’ (whatever your concept of God is).
I am not religious but I understand that God, and other recovering people with the same issues, are required to recover from this stuff. You go to meetings, do recovery writing, make outreach calls, etc.
Personally I doubt that reading books and seeing a therapist will achieve recovery on their own. The behaviours and compulsions are too powerful and too ingrained.
The other aspect to this is:
If you are with a sex addict, you are bound to have issues yourself – maybe love addiction, maybe codependency, maybe a bit of sex and love addiction and codependency. The point is though, you are going to have to start focussing on your attraction to his emotional (and physical?) unavailability and healing that.
I have a bit of both myself – I have the sex addict stuff to a degree (masturbation, fantasy, even porn occasionally); I constantly attract men who are unavailable to me in some way; and I’m also a love addict. And I still have some codependency issues although I have worked on these in other 12-step groups.
In short, these 12-step groups are a way for a Higher Power to work on you, if you do the work. I constantly hear stories from men recovering from sex addiction who are in marriages in these meetings, who are now ‘clean’ and honest and rebuilding the relationships with their wives, with stories like your partner’s.
I would say, find a SLAA meeting if you can.
It does work.
best wishes
and congratulations on how you have handled it so far, it sounds like you have been very together so far!
Dear Stressed Mom,
Please know you’re not alone. Living with a sex addict causes so much pain and is so confusing. My ex-fiance had a profile on a cheater’s website. He told me he had forgot about having the profile since he had done it prior to our relationship. Even when I found all of the photos, he kept insisting that he forgot about them and didn’t look at them anymore…who forgets making a cheater’s profile or downloading 24,000 naked photos. He kept telling me all of the things I found was prior to our relationship. I felt like I was crazy. He told me I had trust issues. I tried harder and harder, losing myself to his addiction. All the while, he was still sexting and cheating. Continuous lies.
It’s been almost 5 months since I left. The pain is still there, but each day is getting better. I was able to get counseling and will continue to get help. I pray the mentoring will help you. You deserve so much more…please realize how great you are!! No one that loves you should ever make you feel this way.
Hi Stressed Mom,
I just talked to the Administrator and she said that your mentor will be getting back to you today. I personally would not listen what your husband said, nobody would do that on purpose. Especially when you have to care for a child. It sounds to me like your husband is feeling guilty for his actions and instead of putting blame on himself he is shifting the blame on to you so he doesn’t have to feel bad. You have done nothing wrong. He is the one with the problem.
Nop I am not fine. Got 7 stitches at the tip of my left hand’s index finger. It is so hard to do anything with one hand. Especially taking care of a naughty 15 month old boy. Plus my husband says that I cut my finger intentionally. He calls his addictions an accident.
Hi Stressed Mom,
I am checking with our administrator as we speak, I am sorry about your finger, are you ok?
Leah
Haven’t recieved any mail yet from Truth Media … i am really stressed and in this stress i had an accident I nearly chopped the tip of my finger :(
Thanks Leah Kullman for your help.
That is awesome Stressed Mom, I have sent your request onto mentoring and you will be receiving a email in your inbox named “Email from TruthMedia Mentoring” I am so proud of you taking this first step and recognizing that you have to change you first before you see change in others.
Dear Leah Kullman,
I would definitely like a mentor. I would like to change my self as I know my husband is an accomplished liar. He used to say that he goes to gym in the evening but he actually was seeing these women and he keeps denying. So many times I called back at the numbers he has dialed during the day from his cell phone. To my shock they all were women.
Anyways, I can’t change him and his behavior as he is way to cunning and he is 36 year old.
I really neeed help to bring chnages in me. His addiction has really affected me and our baby. I cna’t concentrate on the most normal things.
I am so angry at him that i keep questioning and he keeps saying he ahsn’t done anything ever since I caught him,
Dear Stressed Mom
You can’t trust an addict. Its like any other addiction, you can’t just stop cold turkey no matter how hard they try or want to. His actions do not look like he is really being truthful to you or to himself. People with addictions need counselling. Not only does the addict need help but so does the family. One thing I have learned is that you can’t change someone else you can only change your self and how you respond to the person. The first step to healing is help for yourself. May I suggest our mentoring program, it is free and confidential. Let me know if you would like a mentor by leaving a comment and I will get you connected with a mentor.
I read a few stories here and thought of sharing mine. A day before my second wedding anniversary I came to know that my husband was cheating on me. We also have a one year old child. Since that day I am unable to forget what I have seen. One day I accidently saw some pictures that he had uploaded at some dating site. For me it was a slap in the face, seeing naked pictures of my husband making out with number of women. He had taken pictures and videos. On having all the evidence against him. I asked him that who those women in the pictures were. At first he denied any of his actions but later on said those pictures were taken way before we got married. He was telling a lie because the pictures had dates and timings on them.
I never knew that I was married to an addict. He never admitted that he has been doing all that. Though I was getting red signals that i couldn’t see. All of sudden he began spending hours and hours on dating sites at night and he used to look at the pics that he had taken while having sex with other women and would say I am sorting pics of our baby. One day while I was passing by his computer where he accidently left the picture on the screen. I was in a shock to see him masturbating and taking pics of his thing.
He says that his addiction has ended the day I caught him. But sometimes when he comes late from work he would make an excuse that he had to meet a friend. One day he said he is going to meet a friend and the same day that friend called and told that he was away for a few months and just came back that day and he didn’t have my husband’s cell number as his number had changed. My husband keeps changing his cell number every two months.
He tries his best to please me ( not sexually). Takes me to different places. Takes me to restaurants. Tries his best to keep me calm. I am enraged and keep asking him about why did he get into these dirty things.
He says “I used to be an addict, but I am no longer an addcit”. After what I have seen how can I trust him or forgive him. He just expects me to forget everything as nothing has ever happened. For him it might be a bad dream. For me its devasting. Especially when those images pop up in my head. How can I forget and forgive him. I have been very honest and open with him. Why did he treat me like a trash can. The pictures and emails were just one part of my discoveries. I also saw his profile on sex dating sites with horrible pictures of him with the most horrible n ugly women and doing the nastiest stuff.
I want to move on but I can’t even clear my head. He continues to lie. He comes home late and tired and says he can’t come earlier and he can’t tell me all the time about his where abouts.
As for our sexual life, I most of the time feel he doesn’t want any at all from me. I try my best to arouse him but he says that he is too tired and doesn’t have enough energy to do so. I often tell him that he should come home earlier and spend time with our kid but even that doesn’t help.
I really don’t understand what to do. I hope he gets rid of the addiction. I really want to save my marriage. Is it possible that a sex addict ever gets over with the addiction. Don’t sex addicts ever realise what their partner is expeeriencing because of their addiction.
Dear I don’t know wht to do,
I read your story and tears began to flow. Your story is very similar to mine. 4 months ago I was engaged. I know the heartache you are going through. The dreams you have. I tried so hard and loved him unconditionally. I loved his family. I chose to leave and it was the hardest and most painful thing I have done. My whole life was turned upside down. I too had tried to be patient. We tried counseling, and he made numerous promises he would get more help. But, he never did. He always had an excuse.
I’m still very sad. Despite trying to understand the addiction and reading endless books, my self-esteem is so low. I still don’t understand how someone could say they love you, ask you to marry them, and still have numerous affairs…and lie continuously.
The day I finally left I had found he downloaded over 24,000 photos of naked women…some of the most disgusting photos imaginable (obese, to very young women, urination, to excessive stretch marks, to very old women 80ish). I was mortified and knew I couldn’t look at him. He told me he had forgot about them and hadn’t looked at them in along time. He’s in continual denial. Nothing I could do would help him. He has to make the choice for himself. The photos were just a small portion of the items that I discovered, but they will impact me forever.
I wish you best. It’s such a hard decision and only you can make. I wish my ex-fiance would have been able to overcome this. I pray for him each day. You, too, will know when the time is right.
Also to Jen, my heart goes out to you. I have felt the same kind of feelings of immense pain and heartache as you have, and feel my whole life has been a waste. But then I do count my blessing especially for my two beautiful daughters and they have turned out well but have also been very hurt to find out what kind of person their father is. I hope you get out soon, you sound like a very strong and intelligent young women. I’ll be praying for you. You are young – you can start again.
To I don’t know what to do. Please don’t ruin your own life for this man. I found out after 30 years of marriage that my husband was having an affair. I was shocked and heartbroken. He told me he met her at a batchelor party a friend of his was hosting and that she was a stripper hired for the party. After finally asking other people about the party I found out there were no strippers there. Then he would not tell me where he really had met her. Two months later I set up an account to check his cell phone records and found he had been calling escort services. To make a long story short he has been hiring prostitutes for years, going to strip joints and massage parlors and acquiring a huge porn collection he kept at his family owned hardware store. He would be able to roam around thru the day to pick up and deliver. They sell and work on lawn mowers, snow blowers ect. and also make up excuses that he had more work to do at his store in the evening. This man since I married him at 19 was always shy, reserved, well mannered and so very nice to everyone he met. But it started to really bother me how emotionally unavailable he was. Well it seems I have lived a lifetime without love or intimacy (we would still have sex once a week but always in the morning quickly) as he would never come to bed with me after our first daughter was born)as he didn’t like going to bed early, even though I would beg him to for years. Even saying just two nights a week come to bed with me. What he was doing was sneaking in porn movies to watch after I was asleep. So I say to you plese run away as fast as you can and have a normal life. There are good men out there to have a happy life with. Don’t settle for a man who probably will never change and make you feel like you are the crazy one. Believe me, I only am staying for financial reasons for the time being. He has never showed me and ounce of real remorse or regret. He won’t go for help for this and always continues to lie when I still have questions that I want answered. I hate him and always will. Because Elin Woods said “A marriage without love and trust is good for no one. That is the truth.
Dears, I am from a hindu brahmin family married for now nearly 18 yrs. After i came to know about my husband problem, tried psychologist, psychiatrist, near confident relations, friends, fengshui, quran, finaly I knelt down weighed down by my various problems and turned towards the creator of the earth and heavens. I even threw the bible, thinking it was hogwash, snubbed away people who tried to help, then one day at night 2.30 as i was waiting for my husband i asked Christ.. are u really there? if so come hold my hands i shall believe in you, as i have been told that u took all our pains, shame rejection, diseases … on the cross, sacrificed yourself on the cross so that i am free JESUS came held my hands, i though i was halluciating, NO NO NO it was hapenning every night, i took the bold step of Baptism as a born again by guidance from the word of God THE BIBLE, or Thorah/ BOOK of LIFE as u call it. As i started to read the Bible my life changed. Things immpossible to man are possible to God ALONE. Any other method is like a dog trying to catchg its own tail running in circles ending no where. To be with a addict requires tolerance and prayer there will be ups and down in the begining but, God will strengthen u, a peace that passes all understanding will come over u and around u. It won’t be your battle anymore but, Jesus Christ. But, at the same time if u are not married and then think u can change him is utter foolishness, please do not further spoil his, your and your respective parents peace of mind as when u marry in a Indian family u marry the entire family for keeps. Dear Recovered, by the Grace of God u r helping so many people on this site, confess that u r totally recovered and not slowly recovering and claim a healing that by the stripes of Christ I am healed.
To I don’t know what to do:Run as fast as you can away from him and don’t look back! I am married to a sex addict who has been in recovery for 8 years and is still having problems! I loved him and supported his recovery and am now helping him. He has ruined my life socially, mentally, emotionally and physically. We have 2 young boys which is one of the reasons I have fought hard to help him and save the marriage. Now I just want to save myself and kids from this destructive lifestyle. It is a never ending cycle and the fact you aren’t married yet or have kids you can easily get out now before livng a miserable life. We are christians and I have and he has gone to endless counseling, meetings, groups, seminars…you name it we have done it! I wish I would have never married him and wasted my life being miserable and isolated due to his addiction. After a lot of praying I let go of any codependency issues I had and am strong enough to finally get out. Don’t let your fiance ruin you I have lost myself in all this and am slowly getting back to who I was before him. It doesn’t matter what you do he will do whatever he wants to do. You can make him read, go to therapy but, making him do that will not heal him. He is the only person who can change anything and if its not his decision and his heart isn’t in it he wil never change. I have never poste on any website but came across this and felt a need to post to hopefully prevent another woman from a life of heartache. Hope it helps.
September 7th Day 4 & 8th Day 5
I continue to search for a new place. This is not easy. Partly because I don’t want to look, and secondly because I feel I need to do so, but want to do so discretely. S. Has read half of the book. He said that he identifies with many of the behaviors. He said “thank you for giving me another chance.” That he hasn’t finished the book, nor, more importantly taken any other – professional supported – steps toward dealing with his issues, I have to keep my head above, eyes open, and stay committed to whatever I conclude that I have to do next. Cleaning the house is for his parents arrival is just bout complete. And that means that my packing is too. I am going through clothes today. That will be pretty much the last bit.
Meanwhile, I am planning a welcome party for S.’s parents. The invitations went out yesterday. I told S. that whether I was here or not, I still wanted to do something for them.
I called about my own appointment with the therapist on Day 5, which isn’t until Oct. 1 to see if I could get an earlier one. They put me on a wait list days ago and still haven’t had any cancellations at any of their facilities. So much for HMO’s. I will have to find someone outside my insurance network and just pay out of pocket. Thank goodness for itemized tax deductions.
Hello “Dunno”
Fortunately, I have always been sober, but in my family, two relatives have died because of alcoholism.
Their death was rather a liberation for their wife, children etc. because of the very deep problems their behaviour caused to their relatives during decades
Now, an adult that drinks so much that he doesn’t feel the pain is either a deep alcoholic or someone suffering of a deep nervous breakdown (depression)
In both cases, the problem is very serious and may lead to vital accident for him (or for relatives like you)
When you are thirsty, you drink water, soft drink etc.
When you want to appreciate a beer, you drink one beer from time to time, not a COUPLE of beers
Clearly, there are pressures your fiancé cannot endure anymore
Pressures from you (sexuality): it’s a fact, not criticism
Pressures from the situation (his parents are going? to live with you)
May be pressures from his job or anything else
The situation seems explosive
I would like to be wrong, but the worst disasters are often announced by such events like you have lived recently
And once again, you know it, deep inside you
One don’t intervene in such a Forum like this without an heavy pressure inside that force you to come here and expose the problems
One don’t write pages and pages of descriptions of problems if one is not overwhelmed by the situation
Just you know it, you knew it, but the situation is so complicated, so “deseperate” that you cannot believe it is true
So you need neutral observers to confirm the gravity of the situation
And I tell you: it is better to prevent the worst by taking urgently all reasonnable measures than to be too optimistic and regret something for the rest of your life (in certain cases you can read in the newspapers, this life may be very short. What I hope it wan’t be the case)
By writing on this Forum, you have depressed the Alarm button
I am (one of) the red Alarm lamp that flashes
Now you have to take the phone and call for urgent help (Your doctor, his doctor, specialized services…I don’t know, but you have to do something)
You have the strength in you to do the right things
You just have to take the decision and to act
I wish you everything that happens will be an improvement of the situation
Good luck “I dont know wht to do” (you know what to do!)
Enzo
Uh…I didnt mention it becuase it is not a probplem…It is not the usual that he drinks, and doesn’t take much when he does..a couple of beers. Alcoholism is a serious issue and Enzo, I understand where you are coming from. I will watch this closely, but again it doesn’t seem to be a problem. Most definitely if it is, everything else is secondary.
Dear “I dont know wht to do”
Either I don’t remember or you haven’t mentionned it untill now, but I didn’t know (anymore) there was a problem with alcool
From my point of view (and I can tell you I KNOW what I am speaking of!):
YOU CAN PUT APART ALL THE PROBLEMS OF YOUR COUPLE (except if one of you is in an emergency situation) AS LONG AS THIS PROBLEM IS NOT CURED!
If your house is burning, you are not going to repair the front door or the roof
You will call the Fire brigade and look for water or fire estinguisher, but not be preoccupied by broken tiles on the roof or a disfunctionning lock on the front door
These are really very important problems, but your house is burning!!!
And your preoccupation about sexuallity in your couple is founded, but today this is out of relevance
You will never be able to solve any problem of behaviour in your couple as long as you have not solved the problem of too much OR to often drinking!
So, for me, your place is not in this Forum about SEX addiction, but in any other about ALCOOL ADDICTION
My brotherly love for you remain the same, but I would be happy if you come back in this forum just to tell us your fiancé (this one or a new one!) is healthy mentally
Today it is far from being the case
With all my brotherly love
Enzo
Hmm… not much progress…
September 4th – Day 2 Part 1 Temple…
We were late arriving at Temple, and he did not sit through the whole thing. Less than 10 minutes to the end he went outside. I knew it was a stretch for him to go so I didn’t complain; instead I thanked for coming with me, and acknowledge that I knew that it wasn’t his first choice on how he would choose to spend his Saturday morning. When we got home the wedding that my mom sent had arrived. He kissed me and said he was going to do something about his situation, and that everything was going to be okay. We went shopping in the afternoon mostly for cleaning supplies in the afternoon. Since September 17th is parents’ arrival day, we have to do some major cleaning and reorganizing.
September 4th – Day 2 Part 2 – The Garage
Cleaning the garage took priority all Saturday afternoon. It has been a longstanding project that could not wait anymore. It was good to see the garage finally getting cleaned and painted. I focused on other areas of the house while S. cleaned and painted and drank, cleaned and painted and drank, cleaned and painted and drank, cleaned and painted and drank and drank….It must have been 1 or 2 in the morning. By that time I’d been in the bed for about 2-3 hours and was reading the last chapter of the sexual control book. I heard a shattering bang, but I figured S was just moving around equipment and stuff in the garage. When he finally made it to bed he was limping, and had cuts all over his feet. The cuts were bad, but he said he was okay. He was so drunk he said he had other cuts but he didn’t know where. I helped him clean up the cut that I could see, and couldn’t tell that there were more cuts. He made like everything was fine. I went to bed.…
September 5th Day 3 Surgery
Sunday I discovered that his cuts were a lot worse than he had claimed. There were foot patterned blood stained on the stairs, broken light bulb glass all over the entry to the garage, and chair. After sobering up, he gave me the full story. He fell from a chair, hit his eye with the paint brush pole, and when he go up, he stepped in glass. He was limping and we discovered that he had a huge cut on the bottom of his foot under his big toe. I suggested that he go for a tetanus shot. He said he wanted to go, but did not make a move for the door. So I left to get on with things I had planned for the day. I did about 3 hours of bargain shopping. The pain must have been getting to him, because when I got back he was ready to go. Turns out urgent care does not treat lacerations. We ended up going to the emergency department. Goof thing we went. They did an X-Ray and he had a piece of light bulb glass larger than a centimeter in his foot. They could not see it to pull it out. Long story short, a podiatrist had to be called on duty. S, was operated on at 2:30 in the morning and discharged the next day around 7am.
During the long wait times in the bed of the ER I joked with him about his drunken state, but in reality I was being serious. His judgment was impaired by the drinking and caused him to be so numbed and disorientated that he could not even feel the impact of the injuries he had sustained. I said “I guess it is a bad time to ask that you read that book, huh?” We chuckled about it, and then I told him that I really wish that he had given it priority over cleaning the garage. (But thank goodness the garage is cleaned! I looks so good :-P )
September 6th Day 4 Recovery Begins
He slept most of the day. Who could blame the poor guy. It had been a long and painful night. Meanwhile, I focused on cleaning. I bought lots of storage containers. I tossed, boxed, and organized the whole day. The process has been good…purging is very helpful, and will make it easier once I decided and make my move —roomier if I stay, and less dramatic if I go. S. on the other hand, watched TV and slept the whole day. He didn’t read the book, and gave no indications that he actually will. I plan to keep doing what I am doing – looking for alternate living arrangements. Perhaps on Thursday if he hasn’t read the book or taken any other steps towards dealing with his issues, I will bring it up. Not that I will tell him this but…I think I need to give this a final cut-off date. I am thinking that come September 12th if he hasn’t read the book, and called a therapist, I will make my exit. I’ll be darn if I just let the bustle of the day to day distract me from dealing with this. I know if I do that, this issue will just spur up its ugly head again, and likely in an even more painful way.
Dear “I dont know wht to do says”
Thank you for your confidence
You have in yourself all the responses about all your questions
The difficulty is to speak sincerly with oneself, to listen to the inner answers (that may be not words, but physical reactions like nauseas or sheer pleasure), to understand these answers and at the end to take them in account, to take and apply the right decisions, to behave the right way
Some people will say that God is inside all of us (it is my present point of view)
To ask the right questions and to interpret the inner answers, one may need other people, like “Slowly recovering” and myself
But remember that EVERYTHING comes from the Inside of yourself and all what happens to you have an impact on the Inside of yourself (and it is the same for your fiancé and for all the other people, according to my belief)
With all my brotherly love
Enzo
Enzo,
thnk you f ro all of your comments I greatly appreciate you and your wisdom. I really like list of questions. That is what I am thinking through (and so much more) I partly like the thrid set of questions. The one in which you state “Do I respect his Secret Garden as I preserve mine despite the fact we plan wedding or do I open me widely and ask he does the same (with the risk there is no more a part of Mistery in each of us, Mystery wich arouse the desire to seduce the partner and maintain awake this need to conquest, to search and to discover, little by little the hidden aspects of the partner)”
That is a big part of it. I am not I preserving anything. I have no Secret Garden. What you see if what you get. Sure I am complicated, have may dimensions, and vriant interests, but I share them all with him. There are no surprises. That is not to say that I am boring…everything there is something new and interesting. The thing is that I share it with him, whtever it is. For me that is what makes it most exciting. I enjoying telling him all about it, what ever it is. I enjoy his perspective on things, and the exchange of emotions. But alas, I don’t seem to be getting that fully in return. I believe him when he says that he doesnt even recognize and that he is not comfortable with sharing with anyone. Hmm…lots more to ponder…
I’ve gotta reread your post. These questions are helpful points to reflect upon. Thank you so much.
Sorry, I am a little tired! (1:30 PM in my country!):
…”I dont know wht to do says”: I wish you the best (also to Slowly recovering that I thank, too for his clever and genuine interventions)
Enzo
Dear Dunno
Firstly, I underline once again that everybody should be allowed to make a post as long as needs
Problems are deep, solutions are seldom simple and easy
Secondly, I think that you ask yourself the right questions:
-Should I leave or not?
-If yes: now or later?
-Do I still consider wedding as a good decision?
-If yes: wedding as scheduled or later?
Thirdly, I observ that you still have some questions not in mind:
-Do I put S. before his responsabilities as adult (being confident he knows were are the solutions and that I am ready to help him if he asks me the right way) or do I take him gently (or not gently) by the hand, like a good mother with his child (with the risk that my fiance regresses and then transfers all the responsabilities of the choices on me)?
-Do I respect his Secret Garden as I preserve mine despite the fact we plan wedding or do I open me widely and ask he does the same (with the risk there is no more a part of Mistery in each of us, Mystery wich arouse the desire to seduce the partner and maintain awake this need to conquest, to search and to discover, little by little the hidden aspects of the partner)
-Do I consider the wedding as something important for the others (my mother, my future parents-in-law, or only for me and my future husband?
At the end, it’s YOUR life and only YOU know what is good for you or not
And any decision concerning you, YOU are FREE to take and, if you want, not to communicate, to explain or to justify to anybody else than YOURSELF (even Slowly recovering and myself, people like your mother and your future in law are not to be informed or explained)
Thanks for reading me
…and don’t reduce your posts if you need to express yourself: I consider it is the place to debate
And these debate may sometimes need developpements
Slowly recovering, I wish you the best (also to Slowly recovering that I thank, too for his clever and genuine interventions)
Enzo
Day 1 Part 2 Continued the Conversation after Work
So Yesterday late afternoon I went to Temple for prayer. I don’t eat when I am upset, so I had not eaten in 3 days. After spending time with the Priest I felt a little better and decided it was time to eat. Not having the energy to cook, I picked up something for dinner from a nearby friend’s restaurant. It was really good to be out and just connect with people, even if it were just for a brief minute. When I got home S. was home. I did not talk much, and just focused on setting the table for dinner. We sat down together for dinner. That was really nice, because normally he likes to have all of his meals sitting in front of the TV. Mind you we didn’t talk and he did play a movie, but at least we were at the dining room table together. Knowing that he would not mentioned anything related to our earlier conversation, I decided to wait to bring up the issues later in the evening. Having a full belly after not having eaten in days I was super sleepy after dinner and went to bed. I got back up around 11:30pm. Being the night owl that he is, S. was still up. Half a sleep, I approached him by saying that I wanted to finish what we were discussing in the morning. He agreed and we started to talk…
I told him that in my opinion masturbation is healthy, and confessed that I even like masturbation. I also admitted that I like porn. I even gave him an example of how when I used to have major papers to write, for some reason I would get an urge to have sex. To relieve the tension, I would masturbate, and then I would feel more relaxed and creative. I went on to explain that the part that in my opinion what makes masturbation unhealthy is when it causes a person to hide, lie, deceit, and cheat. That what I have observed is that it is putting a separation between us, that he desires me less, having sex once a week is not normal in my opinion, and now we sometimes go 2 weeks without having sex. I told him that I’ve been doing research on these sex addiction blogs, and I shared the book with him from sexualcontrol.com. I explained that the behaviors are just systems of an underlying issue. When a person has a cold they get a running nose, water eyes, a cough…but the truth is while people take medications to stop the runny nose, etc., the underlying cause is still there. In the case of his behaviors, including those regarding the need to share emotional intimacy with others, could be a fear of commitment, fear of intimacy, not know how to manage stress, lots of things. He said that he needed to do something about his situation, and said that he would read the book. He also said that he would look for counseling. And then the conversation got heavier…
I asked him about his Skype account and who he was chatting with online. He told me the name of some random person, and when I asked if that was the only person with whom he had been communicating he said yes. Again he lied. I confronted him by confessing that I went on his computer and pulled up his Skype account and that I knew that he was communicating with his old friend. I asked him why he felt the need to lie to me, and he didn’t answer. I even went so far as to say what was in my heart, that I didn’t mind that he has friends, what I mind is that he does not feel compelled to share those relationships, and experiences with me. To make a long story short, he said that he feels uncomfortable about sharing with anyone, even material things like his car, computer, and other gadgets. I responded by saying that in a full-on relationship everything is 50-50. And while certainly two people should respect each other’s privacy, to the extent that one or both of them elect to withdraw and withhold, they will not be able to grow together as a couple or at least not in the way that I would want to grow with my life partner. I also told him that it is not in my nature to check-up on him, but rather that my intuition has been telling that he has be withdrawing from me, and that what I have found it that it is because he has been, and even as we were speaking last night, continuing to lie to me.
I told him that that is not the kind of relationship that I want, and that I deserve to be with someone who wants the same things that I want. He suggested that we postpone the wedding, and I responded in agreement and then I added that perhaps we should cancel it. I told him that I am conflicted, that I really love him, that I have built my world around him, and that want to marry him, but I just can’t marry someone knowing that this would be our life together, and that I am prepared to leave.
I went on to say that even if he decided to get help, the reality is that dealing with these issues will take a life time, it is not something he can just start and stop. For instance drinking and smoking, he does both, and sometime he will stop for a few months and then start back up again. I told him that it is hard for me to think of stepping in to a marriage with someone knowing that a month later or even 5 years or 10 years down the line he could return back to these behaviors. I told him I needed time to think it through, and that I am considering leaving. I asked him his thoughts, and he suggested that I at least give it 2-3 months, allowing him time to get help and see what advice the therapies provides. He said the best way to know what is going on is to be where it is all happening. And then he went on to say how busy he was going to be, because of his work and studies, and less likely to do such things. So I told him, that while it is true he will have a lot on his plate in the next four months, it is only a distraction like workaholism, and that the problems will still be there if they are not addressed. He acknowledged that as well.
So where we left it last night is that he is going to go to Temple with me today, and read the book. He will then decide what he wants to do in regards to getting help or not. I reassured him that whatever decision he makes is okay, that I will respect his decision, and that he just has to understand that equally, I will make the decision that is best for me which may be postponing or cancelling the wedding, and leaving. I am going to continue to look for my own place. I have to decide whether I want to leave now or wait a couple of months. His parents will be here on September 17th. It would be best that if I am going to go that I leave before they come. I have a lot of decisions to make. I have not told my parents anything, and my mom and I spoke this morning. She is all excited about the wedding, and sent me a wedding planner in the mail. I told her that since his parent will be here for six months we may move the date of the wedding out a bit. It was so hard talking to her, my eyes swelled up with tears. She could tell from my voice that something was wrong, I told her that it was still early (which it was – 7AM) and that I didn’t sleep well. Today is another day, which is an opportunity for things to improve. I pray that that will be the case.
Let me know if this is too much to share and I will whined it down…
Dear Slowing Recovering and Enzo,
First I want to let you know how much i apprecaite you both, and as long as you are inclined to share, I welcome all of your comments.
S. parents are coming to the US on a vistors visa. It is expensive to visit the US and not uncommon for folks to come and stay for as long as they can, becuase they are not likely to visit again for a few years. I am actually very excited about their visit, and we have made lots of plans for their arrival. Some people have problems with their in laws. We are fortunate that this is not the case with us. S. adores my family, and has a great relationship with my parents, and his parents and I are developing a great relationship too. So while it add a layer of coplexity in terms of finding a time and a place to talk, it is still possible for us to do what we need to make things better.
Differnt topic…
I have the choice to heed someones advice or not…in this case I actually did heed Slowly recovering advice…I did not admit to reading his emails. He confessed to the emails, but only partially to the content of them. Since he was wiling to admit, I asked him to show them to me.
Enzo, I think that perhaps there may be some validity to what you are saying about dependent / co-dependent behaviour, but not entirely sure. I will have to look into this more. What I do know is what my intentions were…I was trying to help him see that he doesnt have to fear being open with me. That I am not his parent and that I will not judge him…perhaps the way I did it was not the best way of handling it. I don’t know. Even if he decides not to go for counselling and I do walk away, I am going to counselling so that I can learn a better way.
Let me add one more thing, everybody has one issue or another. Some just happen to be worse than others and require more time and attention. If all people suffering from a sexual addiction were not capable of being in a healthy relationship then there would be a heck of a lot more of broken homes out there and sinlgetons (as Bridget called them in Bridge Jones Diary). I do believe that if a person is willing they are capable and they can overcome these issues. It may take a life time, but I think that it is possible. I love S. and I want to spend my life with him. This is not a light switch, and I have to mae a decision that is going to be the best for me. So my intent in participating in this post is to allow me away to seek the insight and learn from the experiences of others, and reflect upon what is happening. Ultimately I have to be the one to make the deicions. I am also hopeful that what I share not only helps me but also helps others.
I have a Day 1 Part 2 post that I will post seperate. That you guys have mentioned posts being too long…Let me know if it is too much, and I will refrain from sharing. All the Best
Dear Slowly recovering
Thanks for the remarks
I think it’s a good thing if you can express yourself
Long or short is not the problem
Everybody is free to reed or not
I think that if Dunno, for instance, needs conversation, your point of view cannot be too long
We are not speaking of buying a new car: the theme is really more important and needs also more “explanations”
(Sorry for my english: it is not my mother tongue)
I wish you the best
Enzo
Hello, I noticed the replies don’t pop up anymore on this board.
Can’t blame ‘m My replies were getting longer and longer.
Day 7 of my course made me realize that I was kinda full of myself, just look at my long replies, I sure did like to hear myself talk. Stories from other addicts told how these periods of being full of themselves, being cocky, hyper e.t.c. were usually a prelude to addictive behavior. Sorry to say in my case it was too. Not that I went to the red light district but thats more due to the fact that my financials won’t allow that.
I feel really silly and humble now (if that is the correct word for it).
All my replies trying to help and stuff, it really looked like the dr Slowly show just like dr Phill, I don’t like him, in my opinion he’s full of himself and sure likes to hear himself talk.
Not to offend but Enzo you talk al lot to, more eloquent than me and stuff but still (and also you helped me a lot so well ain’t all bad)
What I read from dunno was that she asked her fiancé to let her check his mail. Which is something else than admitting she already had done that. And she has indicated that there were already trust issues.
Also in your reply I think you describe how a normal, sane, not addicted person would react to dunno’s actions. From what I read in previous mails the guy is clearly not I’d say he’s a sex addict or at least has major issues.
Can’t tread addicts like a normal, rational thinking person without issues. (eh…. do those people exist?)
But I think Dunno should not be the person who does the controlling, reminding stuff. Never good to be intimately involved when you do that.
The guy needs a mentor, preferably someone who has dealt with the same issues, some one who can see trough the lies. Knows to recognize false bravado from just feeling good. Most important, a mentor can step out continue his normal live and not bump into the person they are mentioning in the hallway, bed, batchroom e.t.c.(I am not offering myself here btw)
As for the 6 months with the future in laws. With Enzo on that one. That will surely not make things easier. I always went real with the inlaws when I was in a more serious relationship but 6 months? Only if I had a Real Big house wit separate kitchens bathrooms e.t.c.
Because of the first bit of my reply I already feel like I’ve been going on and on. So I just stop here.
Enzo, no offense
Dunno, Take care, try and get him to accept help (if he’s ready he’ll gladly accept), don’t try to fix it all by yourself and good luck with the inlaws.
Dear “I dont know wht to do”
I’m not sure to understand waht is happening between you both: you seem to act like a mother with his son
I see an almost “incestual” behaviour in wanting to reed his e-mail
And he has accepted it (He certainly felt guilty: the worst feeling to improve oneself)
Well! Is he an adult or a child?
I have got the impression that you treat him like a child
Now you have followed a way that leeds to…hell
May be I’m wrong
I hope I’m wrong
And there is this visiting of his parents at your home, during six month!?
Are you kidding?
Is it a joke or an horror movie?
What will happen?
If I understand well, they’ll be at your home before the scheduled marriage, during the marriage and still after the marriage!?
You call yourself “I dont know wht to do”, and three days ago you asked:
-”What should I do?”
And “Slowly recovering (formally Ruined)” answered:
-”Don’t tell you’re fiancé that you ‘snooped through his stuff’ just yet”
And not only you didn’t followed his advice (Sure, you are free to do or not) but you have made the opposite:
-”This morning I told him that I wanted to see the emails. He was reluctant…”
I find this incredible
What are you in search of?
In your life?
In this Forum??
You want someone that tells you:
-Yes go ahead: control him, humiliate him, consider him like a child, make him feel guilty?
Your fiancé may be the Dependant, sure
But you are the Co-dependant
You have asked:
-”Is it possible for him to gain self awareness and grow out of this?”
I can tell you that the way you treat him, you push him the opposite way
If you want him “to gain self awareness and grow”, you have to be clear with him:
-My dear, you take your responsabilities, you act immediately in a right way and for good (and he as the capacities to do it, like “Slowly recovering” has) or I leave you within 24 hours
As long as you are not ready to communicate and apply this with determination, you sink deeper and deeper WITH him
I sincerly hope you both will recover and succed
You both have the capacities to: it just requires to speak and to act clearly
Good luck!
Day 1 Part I (I call it this becasue this is the first day of admission and I will continue to post our progress – 1. for support for me, and 2. for me to suppost others going through this)…
Last night S. came to me know something was wrong, but of course not admitting to what he had done. He said he loved me and wants to build a life with me. It was hard, but I looked him straight in the eyes and told him that I knew everything. That every time he lied to me it was chipping away out our foundation, and that no love & no life time together can be built on a fragile foundation. I told him that I could not live a life like that. So I then asked about what he does when I am not at home (and that I knew that it happens even sometimes when I am home). It took a long time for him to open up, lying/denying constantly and framing his admissions with words such as rarely in order to try and soft the blow. Towards the end he admitted to soliciting people, posting pictures of himself, but he didn’t admit to everything like sharing his phone number and claims he has never gone anywhere.
This morning I told him that I wanted to see the emails. He was reluctant, and I had to reassure him that it would be okay by reminding him of other incidents in which he was afraid to move forward and asking how he felt afterwards when he just opened up and did it. He remembered how he felt describing it as relieved. And with that reminder it was enough for him to have the courage to show me his email. Of course then he tried to delete some messages when I wasn’t looking, and I had to tell him that I knew he did and to go to his trash folder. I saw it all…at least what had been there the last few days.
I told him that I love him and that I want to help him, but that he has to be the one who wants the help, and that it was too much for me and him to do on our own. He really didn’t comment to any of that.
I also told him that I knew he was still communicating with his old friend Beth. I said that though I don’t believe it is a matter of cheating or anything like that, the “don’t ask don’t tell” policy does not work in a relationship, and that he broke the commitment that he made to me last year when he said he would all such communications. He didn’t deny it.
I told him that I have to think about what I am going to do.
He acknowledged that it is not a matter of me not trusting, rather it is a matter of him not being honest and it is impossible to trust someone who is knowingly dishonest.
He asked that we talk about it more tonight when he gets home from work, saying he needs to think about what he will do differently.
So for now, I am going to continue looking for my own place. I am also going to print out the book at sexualcontral.com and ask him to read it. Then it is up to him to seek help. I am not sure that I can stick around for any of this. It scares me that he might just go through the motions to appease me, and just find some more clever way of continuing to do what he has been doing. Even if he were to stop, the possibility that it may happen again in the future and in a much worse way scares me. I am also concerned that maybe he is developing a split or multiple personalities. He is known to those back home as K. and acts really differently around them. Then in his daily life he refers to himself as S., and then in his promiscuous life he refers to himself as Si. . I pray that he gets help, I just don’t know that I can be a part of that process as friend maybe, as a lover and wife…I don’t think so. It is so hard when I love him so much. It devistates me that we are to be married in Jan. and his parent will be here mid Sept. to visit for 6 months, and I have built my world around him…It is just too much.
Dear Angelmari
Thanks for your confidence
What I am going to tell you may not please you
You just have to know that I love you, like one can love friends, sisters and brothers, and that I don’t judge you
Even if you may think I judge: I don’t
I just make observations:
“Slowly recovering” has told you here above: …Sometimes guys just need a cuddle you know… and:…those things can take away the most important thing in sexuality which is intimacy…
One cannot be more accurate
If you try to give and to search intimacy
If you try to give and to search tenderness
If you try to give and to search confidence
If you try to give and to search sincerity
Then you MAY find, get genuine relation, deep pleasure and, why not: sexual intercourse and satisfaction
But it is not compulsory
If you deal with tenderness, confidence, sincerity, maybe you will find, one day, real pleasure to deal with them
And, without waiting for it, you may get sexual arouse and reaction
You have to remember that sexual pleasure between two people is not automatic
And still less between to people that live together
You say:…I do all of the work 90% of the time…
But it is not a job with a goal, a purpose
You say:…I put on outfits and strut around
It means: I need your c…
And instead to tell him “I want your c…” you demonstrate that you want it now or in a while
IT WORKS LIKE THIS ONLY IN THE MOVIES: in stories imagined to be played by actors that obey to the script, the scenario
IN THE REAL LIFE you put your man in the most impossible situation
You just can be so gentle and loving and admiring him without waiting for anything and the miracle may happen: you both want to make love
When you propose a massage, you have to have (non-sexual) pleasure to give it
You also may ask for a massage, but not with sexual intentions: just to appreciate a non-sexual massage
Then if once in a while it turns to making love: ok. I hope it will be wonderful
It will have meant that you both have developped the envy to go further
But be careful that not everytime you get or give a massage it ends by making love, otherwise it will become automatic and break the “Magic”
And it the same for a man
It is not because he “has” a woman that he can s… her anytime, anywere
He too is gentle or not
If he is not, he would have better forget “his” woman
If he is (always) gentle, maybe the miracle of love will happen
But it is not guaranteed
It MAY happen
And THIS makes a lot of unsatisfied, frustrated people
People that wants everything at once, also love, sex and so on
As they are frustrated, instead of enjoying the pleasures of giving without waiting anything back, a part of them (most of them?) run in the quick and easy sex (not love: sex without love)
And this can give only more frustrations and leads to what “Slowly recovering” has experienced
I am not better than you or than other people
I am only priviledged to have experienced love, tenderness and laughs
But not always: I also have my part of difficulties
Knowing what to do to solve them I am the one and only responsible for what happens to me
With love dear “sister”
Dear angelmary,
I’ve read your first mail and I could truly relate to the bit of: ‘that has been ongoing since before I met him but seems to have gotten worse. I am no longer satisfied with it, and takes more and more to get me off.’
You say you are not sure if you are an addict but, the not longer satisfied part and ‘more and more to get me off’ are tell tale signs of an addiction in whatever shape or form. Another sign is the ‘high’ bit I recognize that.
I can’t see if you are Christian or not, but in the bible there are truly great stories and analogies even if you choose not to be a Christian.
Like Joh. 4: Where Jezus tells a woman about the water of live. This Samaritan woman was getting water out of a well when Jezus came along. First the woman was confused as Samaritans and Jews did not go well together those days. Then Jezus told her that if she knew who she was talking to that she would have asked for the water of live. Turns out that this woman had had several husbands and was working on a new one (she had a void in her live and thought a husband would fix that). So Jezus told her about the water of live vs the ‘earthly’ water. Earthly water in her case was thinking that a husband would ease her first so to speak. Apparently it did not because well she had already been trough a couple of mariages and was now busy on a new one. That ‘earhtly water’ can be anything, drugs, booze, money…… Porn, masturbation. A junky always craves the next fix, an alcoholic craves the next drink, A millionaire won’t quit after his first million on the bank and well as you told in your story you are no longer satisfied and it takes more and more to get you off. Jezus then told about the water of live being water that does satisfy, ease thirst and won’t leave a deep craving after you drank it, the word of God, faith, forgiveness e.t.c.
If You are not a Christian I suppose you won’t relate to that last bit but the first bit of the earthly water leaving you craving for more should ring a bell I guess.
In my case, what started out with swim suit issues ended in visiting the most depraved parties you can think of. Even then I still was not satisfied.
I was trying to fill a void I thought porn/masturbation/prostitution whatever, could fill that. It did not, it only made the void bigger and bigger.
As for your husband not being motivated anymore, I have an analogy for that (Man, dr Phil Watch out, Slowly Recovering will take over).
When I was in my mid 20′s and starting at a new job, I had to live in a kind of Dorm for a while because I could not find a proper house in time. First I had a couple of weeks of and started to get to know my house mates. Off-course being young and all, getting to know people involved alcohol. There was this one girl who sure could drink and knew how to party. At first that was really cool, I was no alcoholic but I did like my beer buzz that days besides I had a couple of weeks of. We drank not only at parties but also on a normal weekday. When it was time to go to work again we kept drinking during weekdays, however it started to dawn on me that she always drank a lot. When I had my first hangover at work I decided that it was enough for me and I’d stick to tea from then on. That’s where the so-called friendship turned sour. She lost her drinking buddy and I used to get annoyed of her drinking so much. When your sober, drunk people can be annoying. She thought I was a square, she thought I did not like her anymore. While I was far from square and still liked her as a person. In the end when I did want one or two beers (or 10 for that matter), I drank alone (one or two) or with others (ten), not with her, because that was just too intense.
I guess what I am trying to say is, you dressing up, strutting around and whatnot might just be to intense for your fiancé at times. Sometimes guys just need a cuddle you know :). And while I will not judge ‘spicing up the old love live’ I am now aware that there is a great danger that those things can take away the most important thing in sexuality which is intimacy.
Can’t tell you what to do and stuff. But I can tell you what I used to do and what went horribly wrong in the end.
From what I read in your posts is that you do have a stable, loving relationship. So I guess talking about it would be a good thing.
For the whole porn thing I can recommend vistiting the website of setting the captives free. It deals with all kinds of addictions including porn and such. For me it really worked. After you have sent you’re introduction mail you will be assigned a mentor who is at least familiar with the problem but usually has had the same problem. This is really helpful as they can relate to the problem much easier. Someone who has never experienced it will usually just say ‘why don’t you just stop?’. Oh off course it is totally anonymous.
It helps sharing with people just be careful with who you share.
For the addiction bit I truly recommend help. For the fiance situation I guess talking will already do a lot of good.
That’s all for now, see you next week on the dr Slowly show :)
Dear Working Together, How did you find out about your fiance’s problem? How did you go about approaching him? What was his initial response? And how did you handle it?
Dear Enzo,
I do any and everything to try to get him in the mood. We are busy all day and I usually put our 4 kids to bed at 8pm and I try and stay up to spend time with him but he plays x-box and I get bored so I go to bed. I put on outfits and strut around or try and give him a massage or offer to watch porn together and flat out tell him I want to have sex, and he knows I love it if he wakes me up to it- but usually he falls asleep in his chair or when he does come to bed he says he is too tired to have sex. I do all of the work 90% of the time so I don’t understand. It’s been like that for months and getting worse. He is just not motivated anymore, and it hurts because I feel like he doesn’t care. He is a wonderful man and father, and the sex is our only issue in our relationship. Im worried it’s gonna be like this forever.
I recently found out the my fiance has a masturbation and pornography addiction, I was horrified, shocked, betrayed, devastated – basically every emotion a person could feel. I needed answers and quick – I looked around and found the website http://www.sexaulcontrol.com website and so much made so much sense to both of us – I was lucky my fiance was ready to deal with his issues and we spent 2 days reading the book and information on that website – it helped me understand him a little bit more and helped him see he not alone and was finally able to put a name to this problem which had plagued him for years. We are now in contact with the author of that website and getting some help, even if you decide not to contact the author go and read the information it is free and extensive – if you are like me you will have nothing to lose at this stage!
I feel for and understand each of the women on here who have found out about their partner and their addiction it is one of the hardest things you and I will ever face – if you are able to stick it out (and it is healthy to) and your partner is willing to do so as well you have a chance. And to I dont know what to do I really recommend this site it also has information on how to confront your partner – I think you should just come out with it directly with all your evidence if you have been together for 6 years then you should be able to look at his phone and computer whenever if he does not have anything to hide he has nothing to get up in arms over – at least this way he will either crack and tell you the truth or you will know for sure that he is not going to be honest with you, either way you will have a better place to make a decision from. I am happy to chat to you directly not through here if you like – might help to have someone else going through same kind of thing.
Stay strong mate!
Dear Angelmari
I think I understand you
Could you tell if you try to seduce him during normal life
And how you do to seduce him (no need of explicit descriptions linked with sex, but explicit descriptions of what you do BEFORE having sex or WHEN YOU WANT to have sex)
May be, knowing this, I can tell you how I see the situation
-Enzo
I think I’m an addict but not really sure. I love my fiance and I would never cheat on him with another man. I have no desire for any other man and in fact the thought of other men in that way makes me feel disgusted and even frightened. However I am addicted to porn and masturbating, that has been ongoing since before I met him but seems to have gotten worse. I am no longer satisfied with it, and takes more and more to get me off.-
My fiance is fully aware of this and so far it hasn’t bothered him. In fact he likes porn too, but I get sad when he uses porn instead of “me”.
Also I am increasingly unsatisfied with our sex. I desire him constantly, I have fantasies about him all day. I get really worked up physically and emotionally just thinking about it. But he only wants it like once every 2 weeks and he doesn’t act very into it. When we do have good sex I literally feel “high” afterwards, even if I don’t orgasm. I feel so loved and safe and secure with him, and I also feel like the only way I can express my love for him is through sex. When I don’t get it from him I feel rejected and ugly and sad. I know he loves me but I can’t help how I feel. I’m scared to really talk to him about it because I don’t want him to think I’m crazy or it to be a “thing” in our relationship. How do I deal with this without making a big deal of this? Does anyone understand what I mean?
-Angelmari
Dear Slowly recovering
Amazing how useful someone like you may be to advice people concerning a problem you know well from inside
I think that almost every men would like to have an affair with a lot of beautiful or intelligent (and why not beautiful AND intelligent?) women
Just because most of them are adults, they usually choose one and stay with her
I think that we are all, a little or more, addict to something
I am a little addict
To knowing new things, new persons, to experimenting new thing, new behaviours
Like someone that would smoke one cigarette here and there, would drink a glass of beer or wine from time to time
Just for the pleasure
But needing it anyway
I like knowing new women
It may last one hour or one year untill she begs me to kiss her or to make love with her
But I need this and try to respect them all the time I am with.
And I love each of them, the time I am with (and sometimes still later)
I feel good with this and I appreciate beeing like this
But it would be impossible for me to advise someone like “I dont know wht to do”
I just can read you and say:
What you say to “I dont know wht to do” is really the best advice she can get
@ “I dont know wht to do”
God has placed the words of “Slowly recovering” before your eyes
You can be thankfull to God and to “Slowly recovering”
The latter knows best what is all about the problem and the first knows best how to teach you through “Slowly recovering”
Good luck to you both!
Dear don’t know, glad I could be of some assistance.
Please bear in mind that what goes for me not necessarily goes for others, I am probably an example of the worst case scenario.
Having said that I really recognize myself in your friend behavior.
While my addiction started with porn and later prostitution, there was a time that I became aware that I could be attractive to the other sex. At first my intentions seemed noble but soon I found out that I could be attractive for more persons at the same time and dived in deep.
I was so stupid to think that once I had a relation I would stop with the sex addiction. Then I was so stupid to think that me having more flings at the time was just me doing what I should have done at high school. Later I realized that all those so called relationships were just another side of the coin, instead of seeking help I reverted to prostitution, figuring that at least I would hurt no-ones feelings that way.
Anyway, to get back to the main story, I too have had female friends that I used to tell that the one I was with was crazy. Usually back and forth. I had a female friend I could really talk with, there were those just for sex, there were those for drinking, having fun e.t.c. So that behavior of your fiancé sounds very familiar to me.
Same goes for the commitment issues, setting a date for lunch with me is quite difficult almost impossible. I hated/hate to commit myself. (So glad I have friends and family with lot’s of patience).
I understand that UR to be married in January. Well I’d say don’t.
Your friend is still in the midst of his behavior and that will not be solved within half a year.
Again I don’t say this is always the case but I only reached out for help when I really hit rock bottom and was about to do myself in. I’ve reached out for help before but only to get my real live back on track so I could continue as usual. I’m glad I did not start a family because I would have dragged them down with me.
I do think that it is like alcoholism in a sense that it will always be a pitfall. Sometimes I wish it was like heroin or another class A drug. Those are not part of everyday normal live while in a healty relationship sexuality is.
I have not figured that one out yet myself. But at the moment I am not really a good catch or marriage material anyway so in my list that is point 999 of a 1000.
Professional help for you would be a good thing. Who am I to give advice, I made a mess of my own live :)
I’d advice you to at least postpone the marriage (or cancel). His behavior reminds me of me when I was in the midst of that part of the addiction. In my case that was about 10 years ago. So I don’t expect it to be over in less than half a year. And be honest, do you want to marry someone who you know you can’t really trust at the moment?
Again I do not want to push you into things of out of things. I can just give you the worst case scenario.
Oh and beware of me too, I just realized that I have talked girls out of relationships just so, well you know. Not with the most noble of intentions.
That is why I will stay out of the conversation from now and let the really wise people here and in the chat take over.
I hope you will make the right decisions and that in 30-40 years time you will sit back with your hubby enjoying the grand kids, looking back without regrets. Be it with the one you’re with now or another one, in any case Mr right.
Take care
Slowly Recovering,
Thank you so much for your advice. This is really helpful. Typically my fiancé either denies his behavior or gets angry. He has a couple of female friends to whom he has complained to telling them that I am crazy, that I don’t trust him, and that I am trying to find proof of him cheating. In reality it is none of those things. it is that I want to be closer to him, that I want him to feel safe enough to open up to me about this closet lifestyle. What hurts even more is that he has said these fallacies to others, but he hasn’t told them the truth about who he really is either.
I not he has commitment issues. He is even afraid to set a specific time to have dinner with his best friend because he doesn’t want to feel obligated to be somewhere at a particular time.
No, we are not married yet, our wedding date is January, and his parent are coming in mid Sept. to live with us for the next six months. No kids, but we do have a dog who is our baby.
Lately I have been thinking about just getting in the car and driving, and not coming back. Last night I did not sleep well, and woke up thinking about ways to move out without doing so abruptly – like doing some spring cleaning as a way to move stuff out quietly.
I also thought about looking for an assignment with my job somewhere else so that I can (dare I say) hide behind my job as a way of getting out or at least creating space.
I guess I just don’t know how to confront him. During other attempts to discuss the situation indirectly, he has asked for examples. Because I did not want to confess to snooping around, I had to say that I wasn’t talking about any particular incident. Without divulging my sources, there really isn’t any way for me to directly confront him.
While I am religious and spiritual, he on the other is not. I’ve reach out to my Hindu priest for spiritual guidance, and I plan to call a counselor today. I was thinking that perhaps if I used the excuse of pre-marital counseling that may be I might get him to go with me. But you are right, I have witnessed him say one thing in my face and turn around and do something completely different. For example one of the conditions I had when he asked me to move in together was that he would have to address what I saw as emotional intimacy that he was sharing with other people and one person in particular. He agreed to end that relationship. What I have found is that his definition of ending the relationship means that he limits his communication to chatting online with her at work and at home when I am out of town.
Is this situation hopeless? Is it possible for him to gain self awareness and grow out of this? Or is this like alcoholism where it will always be a part of him that he has to remain cognizant of, monitor and control? Is it really his insecurities and fears?
Or is it me, that I am just not the one for him, and that as much as he claims to love me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, that deep down inside he really doesn’t. That I am more of a convenience for him – takes the pressure of his parents off of him; makes him more financially well off; and gives him the security of knowing that someone is there for him despite his deviancy . I have known him for over six years. I used to excuse some of his odd behaviors as just immaturity, but now I don’t think that that is the case. I am so embarrassed and shocked…What am I getting myself into ?
I will check out the chat rooms that you suggested. And I appreciate any additional thoughts you (or anyone else) may have.
Dear don’t know,
I don’t know it either but I sure have some experience as a sex-addict that perhaps might be of use.
Don’t tell you’re fiancé that you ‘snooped through his stuff’ just yet. At this stage it will shift the focus from his behavior to your snooping. There is a time and place for everything and this is surely not yet the time for you to be honest about that. When all goes well and he comes clean, reborn etcetera, than you can be honest about that part and I am sure at that stage he will only be happy for it.
Another thing you should never do is cross your own boundaries. I had GF’s who were aware of my problems. They tried to keep me satisfied by doing more and more extreme sexual stuff just to keep me happy and not wander about. Offcourse this never worked. Just like any other junkie or alcoholic I always wanted a bigger fix. (one of the things I truly regret, I corrupted myself as well as others). So please don’t go that way.
As I read it he is totally in the midst of things. As I gather you are not married and there are no kids involved.
My advice for you would be confront him with the stuff you could know without peeping. If he get’s angry or in denial he is surely not ready yet to quit the behavior (in my case that behavior was always something to fall back on in times of stress, a certainty in live that was hard to live without).
You also say you love him and want to help him. Be careful with that, addicts of all kinds are the best liars there are. I could cry my heart out with my then girlfriend at the time and confess all my sins. Then later get in my car and visit the one on the side. Perhaps it is good to step out of the relation for a while to figure out how you really feel (co-dependancy and stuff).
Do you both go to the same church? Do you have people to talk to there?
I also advice to go to the chat rooms of this site. I have much experience on the dark bits of sex addiction, usually there are much more wise people in the chatroom, willing to help you and just pray.
Take care, God Bless
I just don’t know what to do…For some time I have thought there was something wrong in my relationship with my fiancé. I have tried talking to him, explaining that I want to connect with him and that it seems that he is living double lives. And then I did the unimaginable. I started checking his email and cell phone. For several months now he has been sending out emails and communicating with people of all types of sexual orientation over the internet, receiving text messages about strange parties, and now the worst thing I could find, he is sending pornographic pictures of himself to people! And it seems that he is starting to actually meet these people at nightor talk with them over the phone when I am out of town on business. I have also noticed other behaviors, narcissistic behaviors, where he is completely obsessed with himself. He spends an unusual amount of time looking at himself in the mirror. Even when we go out, he his constantly checking his reflection in mirrors or through the reflection of glass and time is an opportunity. He has also started to work out more; and constantly wants me to take pictures of him.
What you described above about the wife of a sex addict is exactly how I feel. This is so embarrassing and in part because I love him and want to help him, but I don’t know how to face him and I am embarrassed to tell him that I was snooping around and invading his privacy. And what is worse is that when I try to get him to open up, he just lies to me. Part of me wants to say that this can’t be real and that maybe it is just a set-up, a way for him to set me up so that I will just leave, because he doesn’t really want to be with me and doesn’t know how to tell me. I am so confused and hurt, and I just don’t know what to do. I am afraid that if I tell him how I really feel and what I did that he will get angry and leave me. What should I do? How have other people confronted their partners?
I never seen sex addiction in that light… meaning that the person that has sex addiction has low confidence, and has a fear of intimacy… the second reason really impressed me
I found this topic of sex addiction interesting
we all want a quick fix…
in any shape or fashion.
but if we make the daily decision to trust God because he understands our messed up hearts.
He could take any ugly thing and make it beautiful..
Dear Slowly recovering
Thanks to you for having paid attention to my writings
I am intimately convinced that God or a great part of it is inside ourselves
If it is true, and I really think it is, for you, for me, for everybody, then it means you have all the resources you need inside you
You just have to always ask:
-What is really the most important for me?
If you always ask you this question before any act, any thought, any reaction, it may feel curious in the beginning
But the further you go, the better you’ll see that the answers are inside of you
Just make the effort to listen to them, deep inside you
It is a question of habit
In a near future, may be You will communicate that to other people that need it
I try to ask me this question as often as possible
And the answer I get is mostly: Love and respect
It’s incredible, but in the end it is always Love and respect (Love and respect of oneself and of the relatives and also for all the other-sometimes still a bit difficult-)
I am not religious
I don’t go in churches
I am not perfect (long way from it)
But I am happy because when everything turns around love and respect, I mean the love that don’t wait anything back, that don’t even think or knows what could be getting something back,
then one may get fine surprises
That is all I wish to you, and I am sure you will get more than what can be expected
I could also say (it is not from me, but I am not sure it is in the Bibel):
“A day will arrive as we will have left, only what we have given…”
or
“Everything that is not given is lost”
Enjoy a good live!