FAQ’S: Sex Addiction
What is sex addiction?
Sex addiction is a way some people medicate their feelings and/or cope with their stresses to the degree that their sexual behavior becomes their major coping mechanism for stresses in their life. The individual often can not stop this sexual behavior for any great length of time by themselves. The sex addict spends a lot of time in the pursuit of his or her sexual behavior/fantasy or they may have a binge of sexual behaviors.
Why do people become sexually addicted?
This is different for every sex addict but generally speaking there are biological, psychological, and spiritual reasons. The following is a short explanation of each reason why someone can become a sex addict. The biological addict is someone who has conditioned their body to receive endorphins and enkephlines (brain chemicals) primarily through reinforcing a fantasy state with the ejaculation that provides these chemicals to their brain. Psychologically, the need to medicate or escape physical, emotional or sexual abuse can demand a substance, the early addict finds the sex medicine usually before alcohol or drugs. Spiritually, a person is filling up the God hole in them with their sexual addiction. The addiction is their spirituality, it comforts them, celebrates them and is always available and present. Then there is the sex addict who can be two or even three of the above reasons. This is why a specialist in sex addiction is the best route for recovery with sex addiction.
What’s the difference between sex addiction and a high sex drive?
I have heard this question on almost every national talk show or radio show I have been on over the years. A person with a high sex drive is satisfied with sex. It’s not about a fix for something; when their partner says “NO” it doesn’t make them go off the handle thinking their partner is totally rejecting them and have to leave the house or act out in some other way. If you can relate to this the chances are there may be an addiction issue.
Can you be addicted to masturbation?
Yes, this is by far the most common sex addiction that I have treated in working with sex addiction. This usually is the first sexual behavior many of us will have on a repeated basis. This is usually where the sexual compulsion starts with sex addicts and this behavior, regardless of other acquired behaviors, usually stays active.
What role does pornography play in sex addiction?
Pornography for many sex addicts combined with regular masturbation is the cornerstone for most sex addicts. Many sex addicts have great difficulty getting sober from this combination of behavior. The pornography with fantasy creates an unreal world that the sex addict visits throughout their adolescence and other developmental stages and creates an object relationship that conditions their emotional and sexual self to depend upon these objects and fantasies to meet their emotional and sexual needs hundreds of times before having sex with a real person.
Can someone be a sex addict and not be sexual with their spouse or committed relationship?
YES! We call this later stage of sex addiction, sexual anorexia. In this stage of sex addiction, the addict prefers the fantasy world and fantasy sex with themselves or others instead of relational sex with their spouse or partner. The addict/anorexic avoids relational sex and hence this couple has sex infrequently and often at the partners request not the addict/anorexics.
What is it like to live with a sex addict from a partner’s or wife’s perspective?
The partners/wives of sex addicts report many similar feelings about living with the sex addict. The feeling of aloneness is a common experience with partners of sex addicts, the sense that he can’t open up and tell you about his “real” self. The confusion of even after you do certain behaviors that this still is not enough and the hopelessness that there isn’t enough. Anger for many different unmet needs as a person and as a woman are often common.
Can partners get help even if the sex addict doesn’t?
Yes, even if the addict stays in denial of their addiction the partner can receive help and support for herself. The feelings of anger, loss, loneliness and many other feelings encountered over the years of living with this addiction will effect a person. These feelings need to be dealt with therapeutically whether they stay married to the addict or not. The addiction was in no way your doing as a partner or wife, the addicts addiction started many years before you even met your addict. This addiction would have grown and damaged anyone they would have related to in any relationship.
Is there recovery for sex addiction?
Yes, there is recovery for sex addiction. This recovery takes time and hard work especially in the first year but with guided help the sex addict can experience restoration in their emotional, relational, sexual, financial and even spiritual lives. I have seen marriages made better than they ever were and addicts live much happier lives than they ever thought possible. I have been in successful recovery over eleven years and I know it’s available for those who choose to work for and maintain recovery.
Is there research on sex addiction available?
There is research being done in the field of sexual addiction. The monitored mail list of Heart to Heart Counseling centers provides weekly research information as well as excerpts from 101 Practical Exercises for sexual addiction recovery as well as Twelve Step discussions.
Can women be sex addicted?
Yes! The number of women desiring treatment is growing significantly. The behaviors are the same as their male counterparts including: masturbation, pornography, internet activity, anonymous encounters and affairs. Over twenty recovering female sex addicts contributed in writing She Has a Secret: Understanding Female Sexual Addiction. This book plus the Secret Solutions Workbook, with over 115 helpful techniques for recovery is just for her. If you would like to set up a telephone counseling appointment to start your journey of recovery, call today. There is hope for female sex addicts to recovery.
Is there any way to help our children not become sexually addicted?
Yes! Even though many of our adult male clients report that their fathers were sex addicts (porn, affairs, prostitutes etc.) they also report getting little to no proper sexual information to balance their sexual perspective. Good Enough to Wait is the first DVD of this kind to help your children understand sex and the brain, the long-term affects of pornography, long term sexual satisfaction and a whole lot more. This is the best combination of sex research and spiritual principles to date for youth to watch to give them a proper and currently informed sex talk.
Resources
If you or someone you love is dealing with sex addiction, there is help available for you. Resources are available from Dr. Weiss’ site.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
Hi, everyone. My husband is a recovering sex addict (porn/chronic masturbation) whose problems began around age 14. The thing is, when I found out he was using porn (pay per view movie charges on cable bill about 8 years ago), it didn’t upset me. I offered to watch it with him. He was very surprised by my reaction. He had spent so much time and effort in keeping a secret needlessly. He kept using porn discretely – and never invited me to watch with him…a private habit for him it seems. Whatever. I didn’t know about the masturbation addiction until this year when he decided to tell me about it after 2 years of psychotherapy for various issues. I felt badly that his addiction has caused him so much shame for most of his life – but I honestly didn’t feel personally affronted or invalidated as a sexual being by it. If he kept on whacking off daily, I wouldn’t mind except for the negative emotional effects he himself feels. We’ve been married 12 years, together 14 years, and have a young son. Our sex life started out great, and has cooled off over the years, but we continue to be close friends and are committed to providing an excellent, loving home to our child (so far so good!) Has any other partner of a sex addict had a similar reaction to me, I wonder – that is, the excessive masturbation and secrecy is not a big deal to me and does not hurt me or make me question my worth?? I see it as very much his own issue and separate from me. I am glad that he is receiving successful therapy, of course, because I love him and want him to be emotionally healthy. It just seems, after reading the postings, that my reaction to the situation is unusual…
Hi Ally,
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. The people we love the most have the power to hurt us the deepest. I have to commend you on taking a stand and leaving him. Nothing is going to change until he truly gets help and starts to heal. He is right, his sex addiction has nothing to do with you but it has everything to do with him. I suggest you stay strong and insist that he gets help before you guys move on in your relationship. If you need someone to talk to, we offer free and confidential mentoring. You can get a mentor just by filling out the form here: http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/. Ally, I am proud of you and you should be proud of yourself, it takes a strong person to do what you have done. My prayers are with you,
Leah
Ally, I am so sorry to hear what a hard situation you are in. Would you like to talk to one of our mentors privately? All you need to do is fill out the short mentoring form here and a mentor will email you back, usually within a couple of days. Mentoring is a free and private service. You’re dealing with a lot right now, you don’t have to do that alone.
Dear all–I recently found out that my best friend/boyfriend of 6 years has been leading a double life-so to speak. He’s a sex addict that existed before we began dating but has only spiraled out of control. There were things here and there that I questioned along the way but because he’s male and lived with 2 male roommates, it was so easy to justify. I found two folders on his laptop. One with my name and one from his cell phone. And in his cell phone folder was more than 3000 pictures of women. Either that he had taken or had been sent to him. Majority of the women were naked. A few of them were naked in our bed. I also found messages to girls on his facebook. It was as if he copied and pasted the same message to these girls over and over again. Oddly enough, these girls online or in the pictures are as opposite from me as you can get. I’m attractive, have my life together, work out, modeled a bit and have been a wonderful girlfriend. These women couldn’t be farther opposite from me. I was there for him when he had nothing, I took care of him, I’ve loved him, I cook, I clean, I work a great job, I take care of his kids, and he’s been there for me. I found out that he had admitted to a close friend he had a problem and everytime he messed up he would say, I just hurt Ally again, I have to stop. He thought that because I wasn’t around and didn’t know, it was ok and that when we got married, he would stop. He would never bring this into our marriage. I found out that it was really never the same girl twice. It was what it was–physical. The thing is we have a very active and healthy sex life. He plays a good role. I have since told him to leave and give me some space and time. He’s broken down to me several times, but I remain strong as I know even if we do not get back together, he needs help and I would rather he get help and get healthy than anything. He said it had nothing to do with me. Love has nothing to do with sex and those close to him that knew, tell me the samething. He became obsessed with trying to ‘protect’ me from his secret and stopping, but it’s taken over his life. He said he has a problem, but has yet to say it’s a sex addiction. What’s a girl to do? I love him more than life and can’t believe I never knew.
Laura, you said that you are currently going to counseling? This is an issue you need to bring up under the supervision and privacy of a counselor. The fact that he doesn’t want sex after giving up porn is probably more of an issue he is dealing with personally rather than an issue he has with you. But this is definitely an issue a counselor can help you both walk through.
To Laura,
I know you don’t want to hear this, but be patient. I have endlessly prayed that my ex-fiance would seek help. Your husband has taken a very important step with admitting he has an addiction and seeking help…a step I wished that my ex-fiance would have taken. Unfortunately, your husbands addiction will take time to get over. If you both can overcome this, your relationship will grow much deeper. From what I’ve read, it’s not uncommon for him to exclude all sex out of his life. It should be temporary. Keep going to counseling and don’t give up, as long as, you both are committed to change. Most importantly, seek help for yourself. Throw out the negative thoughts about yourself. I pray you will find strength to get through this and the wisdom to see how beautiful you are. And yes, you deserve to be desired and loved deeply. There is no easy answer to this. If your relationship is worth fighting for, then keep trying. You have a tough road ahead.
To all the sex addicts reading this…I hope you’ll take the important step to get some help. The pain that the addiction causes is very real…and sometimes, the pain will last a life time to those who love you. I’ll never forget my ex-fiance and he’ll always hold a special place in my heart. I still believe love is the most powerful thing in the world. To fail to be intimate and deeply love someone is a life sentence of endless pain and loneliness. Don’t wait another day…
I have been married for almost 14 years now and we have had issues with Internet Porn ever since we have been married. We are currently going to counseling. He finally realized that he had an addiction to Internet Porn and has stopped looking at it. The problem is that when he looked at it,he was interested in having sex with me once in awhile. Now he is not interested in sex period!.. I dont know what to do. I had a problem with it because when he looked at it, it hurt my feelings. I felt ugly, like i was unsexy or unwanted. That i wasnt or could not satisfy him. He said that when he came into the bedroom he was only thinking about me and not the porn. But then why when he stopped looking at it, why has it affected our sex life if it didnt help him in the bedroom with me. We have 4 kids, and i realize that i do not look like i did when i was 20.. But neither does he.. I dont see the wrinkles, or flaws… but his addiction makes me feel that he does. If he cant have sex with me, or has no drive now that he stopped watching porn then doesnt that say he does not find me attractive anymore ? So what to do ? I thought if he stopped watching it things would get better and they are only getting worse. I was lonely and rejected when he watched it and im still lonely and rejected.. I just dont get it.. I have never denied anything to him sexually.. Shouldnt i deserve to feel desired ?
Hi Shar,
Your husband for sure is cheating. I have heard the similiar excuses from my husband that he has work related stress. We are not the ones who have given them the stress. But don’t yell out at him because all he would do is deny.
Take care
my husbin and i have been together for 18 years, we would have sex once a week.in the last 10 months we had sex 2 times, in march of 2010 he told me he found a lump in the shaft of his penis. and he will not get it checked out he said because of this lump it hurts to have sex and he can not get an erection all the way so that is why he hasnt touched me. its now jan 2011 and i caught him with porn and i found extenzin his draw. some of the porn sights were live girls. he denies its his porn but it is! he gives me no attention he says he loves me and says hes stressed from all the bills the house the job the kids and he says it has nothing to do with me he let himself go he looks unkept .however, IS HE CHEATING?
@Up@4:30am,
I am sure he is cheating on you. When they lose interest in being intimate. That is the biggest warning sign that he is a sex addict and is seeing someone. Don’t get angry and don’t question him. They are good liars. Silently gather all the info and seek therapy
Im up right now, going on week 3 of a sudden sex hiatus courtesy of my libido lacking husband. We have been in Maui for 10 days on vacation and he hasn’t even tried to kiss me or hold my hand except for a photo ( and that was like pulling teeth!). I’m not ugly and I’m always ready to fire up the sex department, even to satisfy his fanatsies. But lately he just rolls to the furthest side of the bed and goes to sleep. I mean it was my birthday yesterday and not even a peck on the cheek? No birthday sex? Nothing. Once Monday hits it will be week four and adding to this frustration is the fact that he has been on Eros, redbook and craigslist looking at really trashy looking hookers ( they aren’t even classy looking! The epitome of strip club mildew honestly) the entire time we have been on vacation. I’m on an island running around in a bikini and he has no interest…WTF?! Prior to this sex-break we had sex every other day or so and it was great ( on both parts as far as I know). I’ve brought to his attention now several times on this trip because I’ll go on his iPad and it immediately opens up to the last screen he was on and it’s a big ass pic of a whore with her shit out… Uhhh yuck! Checked his history and it’s all day with these sites! We had discussed a three some to add some spice to our sex life but I looked at the ads and none were offering services for couples. I mentioned this and he said u had to contact them first in order to find out if they do that… But I know they list that service if it’s available or not… He says I’m just causing problems and there’s no issue… My heart says otherwise. Add to the equation he’s chomping percocets like candy and telling me that Hs sex drive and the pills have nothing to do with it…I’m a college grad twice over… He must really think I’m an idiot or something… Can someone please shoot me some advice? I can’t even masturbate anymore because I get so depressed that I have to touch myself because my husband who is laying my to me won’t :*(
Kat, it took me 32 years to really understand that my spouse was not going to “get it”. His whole being is warped. I have been absolutely shocked by his behavior and his thinking. I am sorry that you have experienced the pain of this. It makes you feel crazy to realize that you simply could not comprehend anyone acting like these guys do.
Thank you for your support – yes, I do need to talk to someone as I haven’t told a soul about this except a therapist, not even a close sister. When I step back and look at this, I can’t believe I / we’d be in this situation. He is looking for a new job in another state and I’m considering moving elsewhere as a separation. He presently is cooking, cleaning, ‘acting’ nice to me when I know what he’s doing when I’m not around. He’s hurt me so many times and has proved to me once more I can’t trust men and never will again. Too bad it took 37 years to finally ‘get it’.
Kat
Your husband is right there are men in some S-groups that have done worse than he has, but on the same note there are some that have done less, like just fantasy no self pleasure just dreaming about it. So he doesn’t believe in a higher power (HP), GOD understands that he may not be your husband’s HP but your husband does have a HP right now. Your husband HP is his addiction – the addict that is currently in control of his life. He will deny that his addict is his HP but if it is not his HP than he would not need to use or act out!
In counseling he should discover why he needs to use or act out, it is just not looking at porn and or masturbating (self pleasuring) there is a reason why he feels he needs to do it. Find the reason, accept the reason, avoid it in the future and there is recovery.
I know too many people attending S-groups that celebrate over 10 years in the program that are still acting out but I also know as many people who are not only clean and sober but are living a “normal life” and yes they still attend meetings. WHY because step 12 is to bring what we have learn to those that are still suffering even if we not not sober today. Your husband has no reason not to go to an S-group other than just being selfish.
S-groups
SA Sexaholics Anonymous
SAA Sex Addicts Anonymous
SLAA Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
SRA Sexual Recovery Anonymous
SCRG Sexual Compulsivity Recovery Group
Kat you could also get help at COSA Co-Sex Addict this is a support group for partners of sex addicts their site is http://www.cosa-recovery.org/
Love and blessing to you and your husband
Joseph
sober another day
Hi Kat,
Like Barbara said, prayer is a great place to start but I also would suggest that you guys go back to therapy. Marriages have peaks and vallies and there is nothing wrong with going back. Going once doesn’t mean that you are healed of our troubles. Sometimes we need a little reminder of what we learned. Ask your husband if doesn’t want to go SA then would he go back to therapy? Also, if you need someone to talk with we offer free and confidential mentoring just click on the link and fill out the form http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/.
Sincerely,
Leah
Dear Kat, The best thing that you can do is to continue to pray to God to heal your husband…many things are out of our control and only God can break the binds that are pulling him into this dark world of porn, etc. If he does not have Christ in his life it is going to be nearly impossible for him to overcome such a warped, depraved mindset…it is by the renewal of our minds that we become changed/transformed into the children of God along with our acceptence of Christ Jesus as our Saviour, Comforter, Provider, Healer, the true Lover of our souls…
I’ve been married for 37 yrs and the last 2 years I’ve learned my husband’s addicted to porn and masturbation. He had been doing this for 15 yrs and I thought I was just undesirable because of my weight. I lost 75 pounds and nothing changed. At first, he went to therapy and SA meetings for 6 mos then we both went to therapy. We tried sex a few times by going on vacation and I hoped it would continue. Now after a year, I found evidence he’s been doing this again and we still have NO sex life. He simply says he has “no libido”. I am 59 yrs old and still need to be held, loved and cherished but instead, I’m so lonely with the man I thought I’d grow old with. He said before he would never go to another SA meeting because the other men had done worse things than he had and that since he doesn’t believe in a Higher Power, that 12 steps are not for him. What can I do? I have been on disability for 20 years and can’t work.
Brenda, would you be interested in speaking with one of our mentors? You can speak to them for free and it is private and confidential. If you are interested, please click here and apply today.
@ Stressed Mom. I’m sorry for your situation. I have a friend who’s husband has an addiciton to porn. It’s tearing her up.
Concerning checking into the backgrounds of men~ when talking to them online or on the phone, I ask direct questions. Kids, home, job, If the hesitate that’s a big red flag. Real dating profiles usually have several pictures, showing them with family, hobbies, etc. I always know a man’s last name before going out. I’ve even asked to see driver’s licences. If they are vain enough to lie about age, I don’t even bother with ‘forgiving’ them. It’s over. But let’s say John Smith says he lives in Oak Ridge, I can search the white pages, People Search, Intellus, I’ll get enough to verify if he really is who he says and 2 of those sites suggest possible relatives. I also look up the County Appraisal District. If he says he owns a house… it’ll show up.I don’t care what a home is worth I just want his story to match. Early on I went out with the Chair of Civil Engineering at a prestigious University. Just looking at his resume on the university site I saw he lied about his age to me… GONE He may have been brilliant in Engineering but he lied. In an effort to be honest with myself I’m not even using a fake name on this site.
@ Brenda,
I was saying all this because my husband has been on online dating sites and he didn’t tell those women that he is married. Actually he made a profile with a different name. He hides his age and marital status as well. I came to know all this information when I caught him. I am sure those women whom he is dating wouldn’t be aware of his whereabouts and his marital status. How would verify whether a person is married or single becuase 99% of men on dating sites are married and their wife is unaware what those men are upto.
take care
@ ‘stressed Mom’. Thank you for your note. I didn’t say I was chasing married men. I do not go to bars, etc. I attend social events and have been online dating and I actually try to verify their info before I even go out with them. Just for the simple fact that many lie about dumb things like their age, etc. Any way, I know this is harmful emotionally and physically. Of the men I’ve dated some stay around on a casual basis ( thus friends with benefits). My encounters are not hidden secret trists. I date these men publically & locally. The addiction is that I have sex too early and I’m trying to fill an emptiness inside. I avoid married men; I do not want any drama in my life. I avoid drama to the point that even divorced men with children at home are unavailable in my eyes. Their children need to come first.
Hi Brenda,
Sorry to say so. But women like you are ruining families. You think having sex with those men who are freinds w/benefits wouldn’t harm any one. If those men are married then you are one of those who are out there trying to break a family. it is beacuse of women like you that women like us are suffering.
take care
For those serious about finding help for themselves and their spouses I would highly recommend Candeo – it is an online program for the addicted but also for the spouse parent or other support person. This program brought my partner and I back from the brink and slowly taking further steps away from the precipice we were standing on. There is a small cost involved but ultimately we had tried counselling and everything else out there and it wasnt working so we were prepared to pay or do anything to find healing.
God bless and give you strength because if you are reading this you will need it
:)
My husband of 2 years, partner of 15+ years has this addiction and is seeking therapy. I still don’t trust him even though he’s gone 30+ days without masturbation or porn. How can I learn to trust him again?
What is the website space in the reply for? I am very new to this.
At 52 I am only now admitting to myself I’m an addict. It was suggested to me 20 years ago. At that time I was married, happy, not straying, and only having sex twice weekly so I dismissed the concept.
Now I’ve been out of my second marriage for 6 years and have slept with close to 20 men. I am now realizing the primary problem is not a lack of moral character as much as an addiction. I’m kind of overwhelmed right now with this revelation.
In just the last week I’ve had sex with 2 men that are really only friends w/ benefits. They are not using me ~ I am using them. Where do I start recovery? I’m not the type who loves chatting online. I’ll need to find out what items I need and how to do the online meeting with voice.
To: mad&confused
If he is lying to you, you have more than a sex problem; you have a love problem. Best friends do not lie to each other. Long term you need someone who will love you, sex or no sex, unconditionally. Realistically, how many people over the age of 65 are having sex even once a month? The average life expectancy is 85, so there are 20 years without sex. If sex is necessary to have a relationship with your spouse, then you have 20 years to look forward to where you and your mate will be strangers.
As for your counsellor, it sounds like he does not have both feet on the ground. I would seek a Christian counsellor. I don’t identify someone as Christian because he goes to church on Sunday, or because he says he believes in Christ. Christians are men and women who have experienced a transformation in their life (II Cor. 5:17). Christ is the centre (Gal. 2:20). The change is so profound they have to share it with other. If you are a Christian you need someone like this in your life. Life is a spiritual journey. You want to take it together. If you current husband is tracking escort services he is not a Christian (1John 2:15,16). He needs to be confronted with his sin.
To mad&confused
Do you have the financial means to hire a dective. A friend of mine went through a similar experience. She hired a detective, put a GPS tracer on his car and got the facts she needed to confirm that her husband was cheating on her. It is easier to act when you know you have the facts.
Marriah,
I’m a little confused. You say you are twenty and have been in your current relationship with your (now) husband for 2 1/2 years. You further add that previous to this relationship, you were in a five year relationship where there was “ONLY love and sex”. By my calculation, this means you were about twelve or thirteen when you began this previous relationship. If this is an accurate interpretation of what you wrote, this would suggest that you were very young when you embarked on your sex life. If so, there is a real possibility that your sexual values are somewhat skewed. Your husband may, or may not have problems but something in your post worries me.
Sex is important and I know how it feels to be passionate about a man. But sex, even passionate sex, has its place. Except for the first honeymoon stage, where it is perhaps rapturously pervasive, sex in a marriage becomes one of the many healthy pillars of a good marriage. If it is a consuming part of the marital relationship, it is out of proportion to the other values that go into sustaining a truly nourishing long term relationship.
Sex once or twice a week sounds fine to me, if it is good, nurturing, nourishing and satisfying sex, interspersed with good communication, days of cuddling and talking, support for dream building and good conflict resolution skills. Perhaps you should consider some quality couples counseling and get your issues sorted out now, while your marriage is young. I think there might be a few issues here. Good luck.
Thanks so much for replying. I feel like I am too hard on him but really when you have escorts, texting all night to people he denies he knows, calling women at 2 in the morning and telling me he is at one place when he is at another it starts to add up to deception. I have been married to him for 10 yeara and in someways he is my closest companion and best friend but most times he is just there physically. I love him but its not enough for me to love him. I wish I was smart enough to have figured this out earlier but when the signs started I was taken completely by surprise. If you had told me this was possible with this man I would have laughed at you. The counselor I just went to told me that everything my spouse does might be about priming me for sex or setting a tone so that I won’t be suspicous of him so he can pursue the addiction. I thought if we had more sex it would help but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference. He told me too that the more sex he has the more he wants so I don’t know what to do. I am divorcing him to just get my act together which obviously I need to do since this is so pathetic. But the whole time I am fighting my innner monster that says “you can help him”, “don’t abandon him he needs you”. It goes against everything I have been taught to throw in the towel although I know its the right thing to do. You can’t make someone love you and be faithful but the codependent side of me is hoping for the last minute save. It is like I am waiting for the miracle pass that you see and hear about but its not happening. He doesn’t seem to be looking for the pass unless I am dropping my panties as I run down the field. So I have the ball but I am not sure what to do with it and a linebacker is headed my way. Maybe if I drop my panties I’ll be rescued but it will be cheap and short lived. I guess I will just run it in myself and hope I can keep getting up. Thank you for your response.
Dear Mad and Confused,
So sorry you’re going through this, especially during the holidays. I was with a man that did the same thing. You feel like you’re going crazy. Sex Addicts are masters at manipulation and lies. My advice to you is to look at your relationship for what it is. It’s not healthy. You know when someone treats you well…you deserve to be treated wonderfully. I’m sure there are many reasons why you didn’t trust him. A big one, he had phone numbers of an escort…you’re not crazy. The pain you feel is awful. I left my fiance 8 months ago and it still hurts, but it does get better. I recommend that you get some counseling to help you understand. Hopefully, he’ll get some too. It’s really tough, especially when you love him so much. I found the website http://www.sexualcontrol.com very helpful. There’s a book called “Mending a Shattered Heart” that’s really good, too. Make it a priority to take care of you in 2011…self care is what you need right now and surround yourself with friends and family that love you. You’re going to be okay. I know it’s hard. If he wanted to fix it, he would have by now. Maybe filing for divorce will make him realize he needs to get some help. I’m sure he’s hurting in his own way, too.
Hang in there!!
Best wishes,
JH
I have been married to a man for 10 years now that I think is a sex addict. I found phone numbers connecting him to a escort now twice and multiple phohe numbers from women that he can’t explain. If I get the nerve to ask him he gives me an explanation that he could verify if he wanted to but doesn’t even when I ask for it. Usually it ends up in a fight about how insecure I am and how my insecurity it hurting his business or that I have done worse. He comes up with things that he said I did that I am clueless about. I love him but its gotten to the point that I do not trust him and everytime I try to discuss it with him he turns it around on and it becomes about how I said hi to someone at church or a barmaid that he met that knows me through school doesn’t know anything about him. I see all the inconsistencies and want so much to believe him and sadly probably would if he gave me one scrap of proof that what he was saying is true. I filed for divorce two days ago and now he is being so nice to me. I know that I shouldnt fall prey for many reasons but tonight it the night we meet so long ago so its especially hard. He is staying with his sister and being so good that it makes me question myself. How can I question myself and let myself be so guilable again? Its like I don’t believe my own reality. This is crazy not at all healthy for me or my children. Is there anyone out there that has a good method for dealing with this? I want to be friends because he has been my best friend for a while and we have a chid together but I am having trouble balancing this and my feelings.
Leah,
I would definitely like to be involved in a mentoring program. I haven’t had the Shame that Mike has felt yet, however I often times will scroll through the Causul encounter adds on craigslist, and I have trouble with porn. It often times distracts me from work and I will spend hours with it. It has been a problem for years, and I feel it has really damaged certian areas of my life. I am a good looking, charming, intelligent guy, but this has got to go. I would definitely like help. I want to be able to do things with out the constant compulsive want to look at porn while I am at work.
Thanks,
M2
Hi Miss,
Sooner of later you will want to develop a relationship with someone who wants to be your best friend, …. for life. Someone who is a sex addict is not free to comprehend what a relationship like this would be like. The guy you are dating needs help with his addiction. While you may care for him, a psychologist is better equipped to give him the help he needs. Until he has committed himself to treatment I would cool the relationship. He does not understand what love is and cannot appreciate your feelings for him.
so I dated someone, turns out he’s a sex addict. I tried to stand by his side while he seeks treatment – however, there was one woman, that he had an outright affair with (in my mind). He says it was all lies to get sex from her. But I’m devastated by one woman in particular. I get the others were brief encounters and he cut them out of his/our lives. BUT this one woman, he saw her for months… they worked together and traveled alot. :(
So, anyone got any advice for this one???
Dear Steaphanie,
Since you are not married it is better to leave him.
Hi Mike,
I have read your story and I may say that you have been really dishonest with your self and with your wife. Instead of masterbating you could have ahd sex with your wife. When one is married why do they need to look at prostitutes. My husband is one step ahead of you. He has been seeing ads of escorts, contacting them and having sex and taking pictures with them. On being caught he says that he loves me. If he had love and respect for me why would he look for other women.
Okey, I want to ask a question from you. Do you think you would ever get rid of your addiction. I want to know the answer from an addicts perspective that why do men act out and is there a way that the wife could stop him from acting out.
Do sex addicts tell lies about there whereabouts to their wife. I am living with a sex addict and I am sure he hasn’t stopped. I don’t understand why guys do this and don’t even think how much pain they give to the one who loves them.
regards
sm
Dear Mike
Charlie is correct talking with people who have gone through want you are doing is a great step in recovery. We offer a free and confidential mentoring program where you will be matched with someone who has gone through what you have. Please let me know if you would like a mentor.
Also, Charlie you sound like you would be a great mentor for our site, you have wisdom on this issue. Please let me know if you would like to mentor, I will send you more information if you want.
To Mike
You have just started the first step realizing you are addicted to masturbation…. How you got here is not the point but a realization. Yes there is shame in what you did but you can go from shame to grace if you indeed want to and are ready to go the full distant. There are no short cuts even through many have tried to fine the short cut. Mike you must decide do you want the grace or forever live in shame? There are several levels of being a sex addict first you must realize you are addicted…. You have already done that then do you really want recovery?
The road to recovery is not a short path but a bumpy road with pot holes and a lot of advertisement for staying an addict. The first step is a realization you have already came to realizing you love pleasuring yourself. Then work on why you do what you do, what triggers you to start your ritual. Is the possibility of losing your baby the reason NOT to kill yourself enough to also keep you on the bumpy road to recovery? The hardest time in your life will be when you choose not to masturbate when you really want too. 24hrs sober, 1 week sober, 30 days sober, 90 days sober, 6 months, 12 months, and it goes on. It is possible to come into grace from this addiction.
Do you need help, encouragement, how about someone who been there and understands where you are right now. Find a sex 12 step program with local meetings for you. Do a search and find for sex addiction group and you will have a choice of groups to pick from? I go to SAA, I have a sponsor who I am responsible to as well as I sponsor others and I’m also a trusted servant in a small group helping guys just like you and me to overcome shame and receive grace. Each group has its own personalities so try several before settling into one or two.
CB
to Stephanie
I have been in SAA for over a decade now and I have heard of the same thing you are describing. It is where the “HIGH” of having sex is more important than the sharing of love to the partner. This is a big red flag saying slow down and really checks things out. If your partner is having sex in their mind with someone other than you while having sex with you there is a reason… They may not know the reason right now and it might take a lot of time to discover the reason but making love to a lover is just more important than having sex with your partner. There are a lot of researches you can do so you can handle your partner’s addict. As for your partner addict it must be discovered why there is a need for imagining others while having sex with you, as well as the need to do porn or any type of masturbation. Having a sex drive and wanting to share sex with just you is normal but watching porn or masturbation is cheating on you with themselves.
Stephanie check out different web sites for help for you, my spouse had found the web site http://www.sexaddict.com to be a real help to her and to me.
CB
i have been married for 16yrs he have cheated and lied and lived a secret life. i told him something is wrong but he only blames me for his problems. i love him and i love touching him , but lately i find myself unable to enjoy him . after all day at worm he comes home right to his phone or laptop to talk anlook at women he text for hours i would ask him who he’s talking to and he would say family, but i know it is a women i have found nude pics of twenty women including his cousin. he has be arrested for sexual harassment, but he said he didn’t do nothing.be takes out of town trips and said he’s going to see family but its women. i love this man and I’m worried for him we have two teen daghters and i don’t want them to think its ok to be with a man that shows his wife no love,respect don’t get me wrong he’s a great dad and excellent provider but I’m hurting and lonly i don’t know what to do he thinks there is no problem that I’m his problem
Hi Mike,
Thanks for sharing your story. I hope that you will be good to yourself. Please don’t think about taking your life. No matter how excruciating it feels to think of your loved ones despising you bear with it, it will pass. The reason why I wanted to write in response is because I have acted in similar ways to you. The rush that you write of is something that I have experienced myself. I feel it in my throat and it’s not even sexual, but it’s linked to that. It really is an addiction that there isn’t any warning about. Maybe you could see a sex-therapist or a counsellor to talk through all your feelings about it. And I think it’s really important that you cultivate love for yourself and your family right now, because it sounds like you’ll probably have a bit of a hard time. Maybe try to separate masturbation from the escort ads. Try using a different masturbation aid or only use your imagination. The rush is adrenaline from doing something you perceive as wrong or dangerous, and sex and masturbation need not be either wrong or dangerous. Any change will most likely take time, so be patient with yourself.
I am ashamed of my addiction to mastubation. For years now I troll through escorts adds on the internet and in the lacal paper. I start by reading every single add, then I either circle the adds I like or store them in my phone for later use. At first this alone arroused me but now I take it a step further and I call or message the girls in the adds. When I get a response or If I talk to them I get a rush and I masturbate and get off. Often after masturbaing I feel guilty and ashamed of what I have done.
This has ruined my life. I am married for nearly 3 years now and although I used to masturbate frequently and read the adds before I was married my habits have gotten progressivly out of control. This is my deepest darkest secret and I have never talked about it to my wife or my friends. Recently one night I looked through the paper and I tried making contact with some escorts. I talked with one girl and messages were exchanged. I masturbated and went to bed. In the morning my wife woke up because of the alarm on my phone. When she stopped the alarm she also read my text messages. This really upset her and she is convinced I have been cheating on her with prostitutes. She confronted me about it and I tried to explain to her thats how I get off. She no longer trusts me but the worst thing is after she read the messages she didnt tell me she told her parents and sister and my family. I am devestated because they all now are convinced I have been sleeping with prostitutes and they basically are telling her to leave me. My most personal secret has been exposed for everyone to see and my wife who I sincerly love with all my heart is going to leave me because of my stupidity. I guess I deserve all the humiliation and the shame now that our families know about this.
I dont know if I can face my or her family and I seriously came close to ending it all the other day but I chickened out. I walked out bush and as I was standing there all alone in the middle of no where with a knife to my throat I couldnt go through with it becasue I kept thinking of my 9month old daughter. I just cried and cried. I dont know that to do.
I have been with the man I love for almost a year now, we are planning on getting married and I just found out that he is addicted to porn. He also just came to the same realization. I am now looking in to ways of healing and recovery, But we are sexually active and I don’t know if we need to stop that or if it is something that is okay to do? I know that he sometimes imagined other girls which killed me but i just don’t know if I should stop with what I thought was “Making Love” does anyone have any advice?
Lynne – these are heavy issues you’re dealing with. Therapy is a fantastic idea, you may find that you need the support of a therapist as well as you begin to untangle all of this. In addition to therapy, if you’d like to talk to someone privately just to have a listening ear and someone to walk through this with you, we have mentors available 24/7. Just use this form to send in a request and you’ll be matched with a mentor who will respond by email.
I’m only beginning to understand and learn about sex addiction. I’ve struggled with my husband on and off for the last 4 years. In the beginning, everything was loving and the sex was great. Over the course of our now 11 1/2 year marriage he has changed. He expects me to be the aggressor in sex. He’s younger than I am so you would think his sex drive would be more than mine but it’s not. I’m the one asking. We only average sex a few times a month. Just this past month, I discovered his secret “fantasy sex life”. He’s been chatting, having phone sex, and talking to another woman in another state. He’s taken it so far that it has interferred with his job and has caused him to lie to me over and over. At the worst point, he wasn’t even paying bills, ignoring me and our adopted daughter all in the name of protecting his fantasy lover. He never saw a picture of her (other than some pornographic photos they sent each other). He almost completely destroyed our marriage. We’ve had two therapists tell him that he needs to go to SA annonymous. I don’t understand how a man can have a very willing partner and then settle for cyber sex (avatar sex) or even phone sex when he can touch and feel a real live woman that he says he loves. He took it way too far this time and even told her things about me like I don’t have sex with him. He justified everything he was doing with her and made me look like the bad one. He even told her things like he thinks about her when we have sex. My self esteem is so low and my trust of him is down to nothing. He lived an entire month in a fantasy world of sexual friends. He even was planning a fantasy wedding with this woman just because it was “fun”. I just don’t understand. I’d rather have real sex with someone than conjure up images in my head of someone based on a cartoon character! He says he loves me and wants to work things out with me and that he will go to therapy but how can I ever begin to trust again when I’ve been lied to and disrespected so deeply? I’m at a loss!
Hello nath and Kristina,
I have read your posts. Nath may you would have to take initiative with your wife instead of talking to her about your external affairs. You would have to do things that you might not be considering. Maybe your wife likes sex but you are busy in affairs outside and when you get home you must be too tired to take the move. I used to think my husband had a low sex drive but actually he had a high drive and he used to be exhausted when he came home because he was busy with other women. Do you think your wife would feel great when accidently she would get to know about your external affairs. Trust me that is devastating. The addict doesn’t realise the consequences of his or her actions. Instead of talking to your wife about your desire of having sex. Just take the move. Isn’t it better to have sex with the one you married instead of looking around and destroying your own relationship. Try to arouse your wife.
Kristina, You are saying that you have been married 4 yrs and had a sexless marriage. You think that your addiction wouldn’t harm or hurt anyone. Actually you are hurting your self and destroying your ego. Why did you get married when you didn’t want to be sexually active with your husband. You could have also taken the initiative to have sex. Did you ever think that the more men you would have sex with. The more are the chances of catching stds. Do you think you are enjoying by having sex with so many men. That is not enjoyment. You are destroying yourself.
take care
Im a 30 yr old woman and im a sex addict. Ive always been an addict of some sort, but controlable. I did have random sexual encounters with strange men before i was married. Ive been married and did not have sex for four years. I do mean no sex, my husband is impotent, and will not service me at all and Ive been dependent and addicted to pornography and masturbation. My marriage is pretty much over, so ive met a few men online and met them for sex. Sometimes all i do is give oral sex becasue that is what I think about all the time. I never cheated on my absent husband but now I am free I am really indulgine in all the fantasies ive been having for 4 years, and ive been really pent up. I have one man, just a 20 yr old college boy and I see him a few times now, and in fact he is coming over tomorrow. When the sex is over, the feeling of wanting to have sex or wanting to give oral sex is not going away. The thing is im not sure this is a bad thing, as im not huring anyone and really really enjoying myself. I honestly dont know if I want help for this, because i like to think about sex all of the time. I guess I am confused, I just need some guidance
Marriah,i feel your pain really..because am facing the same thing as well..am a man and my wife also doesn’t like sex as well.its making me think twice is i should go for another woman or have am affair outside.. but i have come to think of it..both of us have to talk abt it really because if not i don’t think the marriage can last long unless if she find out that am having an affair, she have to comply.
But the problem is that, i don’t think that will be the solution..am still thinking though if to have am affair or not.
But first i really want to have a serious talk with her…So MARRIAH, i will like you to do the same, talk to your man let Him know what you feel..will like you to talk it over with Him,,because its not wrong to have sex always.. i thaught men love sex than women but your man case if different.. But right now, i dont really know what to say..than to sit Him down and talk..cause am still in the same web..just trying to find a solution to the whole issue…when i get any advice, i will let you know also..but for now,take things easy and talk with him…
I don’t understand it. . .
I would love some information on this pleeeaaassseee. I have always thought that ALL MEN LOVE AND WANT SEX. I have always experienced this first hand. I have always witnessed desire in another man’s eyes, whether I was watching them watch someone else, being with someone else, watching me, or even in a relationship with me. I have never encountered a man that was not ‘into’ sex, unless they were physically VERY unhealthy and their body just didn’t allow it, basically. But even many of those men love sex too!
I am 20 and married. To the love of my life. Even though things are not perfect in every way all the time, he is the person I know I’ll spend forever with, because we are together and connected on a soul level. Now, I love sex! I love sex because I love making LOVE. I want to have sex because I want to be connecting in the way that you can almost ONLY do with someone by having sex, and I want to do it as often as possible. Why as often as possible? Because it fulfills my connection with him when we don’t connect throughout the day. But I don’t only love making love – I like just having plain old sex too! But this is my question; is it even POSSIBLE that sex can not really be that big of a deal to any man? I mean, every story I’ve read so far about men not ‘being into’ sex have all been having love affairs! But I don’t think that’s the case in this situation at all . . . I’ve never seen or found porn, emails or texts from other people, and believe me – I WOULD HAVE FOUND THEM. It’s like he just doesn’t care!
Now, I’ve spent my fair share of time in the last year of our 2 1/2 year relationship wondering if it was because of me that he didn’t like sex. But it can’t be. Not to toot my own horn, but I am desirable when it comes to sex – or at least, if it were anybody else having sex with me. I am fit, sexy, seductive and imaginative. And I can go where a lot of people don’t seem to get to because I AM aiming for a connection! But he doesn’t seem to need that connection . . . and I don’t know why.
Here’s the most frustrating thing. Before I was with my husband, I was in a five year relationship that was ONLY love and sex – ALL THE TIME. I was infatuated with this person for most of the years that we were together, simply because our love life was like a fantasy in it’s breadth and intensity and longevity. Having sex at least once a day every day was my LIFE with this person for about 4 1/2 years! Now, I am in a whole new relationship, and the huuuuggggeee change from connecting that much to only having very quick, lame sex MAYBE once a week is TEARING ME APART with frustration and anger and sadness!!! Because of this, I feel like something is wrong with me, even though this NEVER would have crossed my mind in the past, since it was never ME going after everyone like a madwoman! My sex life was always a two-way street, and a HAPPY two-way street at that!!
I just need help understanding him. Why does he not care that much? What are the possibilities if you were to take out A) him not being attracted to me, and B) him cheating on me? What’s left? MAYBE a poor libido, but how can that be with a 22 year old HEALTHY MALE!!!???
I’ve asked him questions about it. Does he not like my body? Does he not think I’m sexy? I know he’s not cheating on me. I’ve even asked him if he’s GAY, for crying out loud!! Anything to explain this – because I can’t understand it. I’d appreciate any SOUND information, ideas and advice, without harsh judgment or comments with little thought – these all hurt my feelings, and I don’t need that on this particular subject. I’m glad that there is a place for me to talk about this, because talking to the source of the confusion is just leaving me feeling alone, and in the dark.
Thank you for reading!