FAQ’S: Sex Addiction
What is sex addiction?
Sex addiction is a way some people medicate their feelings and/or cope with their stresses to the degree that their sexual behavior becomes their major coping mechanism for stresses in their life. The individual often can not stop this sexual behavior for any great length of time by themselves. The sex addict spends a lot of time in the pursuit of his or her sexual behavior/fantasy or they may have a binge of sexual behaviors.
Why do people become sexually addicted?
This is different for every sex addict but generally speaking there are biological, psychological, and spiritual reasons. The following is a short explanation of each reason why someone can become a sex addict. The biological addict is someone who has conditioned their body to receive endorphins and enkephlines (brain chemicals) primarily through reinforcing a fantasy state with the ejaculation that provides these chemicals to their brain. Psychologically, the need to medicate or escape physical, emotional or sexual abuse can demand a substance, the early addict finds the sex medicine usually before alcohol or drugs. Spiritually, a person is filling up the God hole in them with their sexual addiction. The addiction is their spirituality, it comforts them, celebrates them and is always available and present. Then there is the sex addict who can be two or even three of the above reasons. This is why a specialist in sex addiction is the best route for recovery with sex addiction.
What’s the difference between sex addiction and a high sex drive?
I have heard this question on almost every national talk show or radio show I have been on over the years. A person with a high sex drive is satisfied with sex. It’s not about a fix for something; when their partner says “NO” it doesn’t make them go off the handle thinking their partner is totally rejecting them and have to leave the house or act out in some other way. If you can relate to this the chances are there may be an addiction issue.
Can you be addicted to masturbation?
Yes, this is by far the most common sex addiction that I have treated in working with sex addiction. This usually is the first sexual behavior many of us will have on a repeated basis. This is usually where the sexual compulsion starts with sex addicts and this behavior, regardless of other acquired behaviors, usually stays active.
What role does pornography play in sex addiction?
Pornography for many sex addicts combined with regular masturbation is the cornerstone for most sex addicts. Many sex addicts have great difficulty getting sober from this combination of behavior. The pornography with fantasy creates an unreal world that the sex addict visits throughout their adolescence and other developmental stages and creates an object relationship that conditions their emotional and sexual self to depend upon these objects and fantasies to meet their emotional and sexual needs hundreds of times before having sex with a real person.
Can someone be a sex addict and not be sexual with their spouse or committed relationship?
YES! We call this later stage of sex addiction, sexual anorexia. In this stage of sex addiction, the addict prefers the fantasy world and fantasy sex with themselves or others instead of relational sex with their spouse or partner. The addict/anorexic avoids relational sex and hence this couple has sex infrequently and often at the partners request not the addict/anorexics.
What is it like to live with a sex addict from a partner’s or wife’s perspective?
The partners/wives of sex addicts report many similar feelings about living with the sex addict. The feeling of aloneness is a common experience with partners of sex addicts, the sense that he can’t open up and tell you about his “real” self. The confusion of even after you do certain behaviors that this still is not enough and the hopelessness that there isn’t enough. Anger for many different unmet needs as a person and as a woman are often common.
Can partners get help even if the sex addict doesn’t?
Yes, even if the addict stays in denial of their addiction the partner can receive help and support for herself. The feelings of anger, loss, loneliness and many other feelings encountered over the years of living with this addiction will effect a person. These feelings need to be dealt with therapeutically whether they stay married to the addict or not. The addiction was in no way your doing as a partner or wife, the addicts addiction started many years before you even met your addict. This addiction would have grown and damaged anyone they would have related to in any relationship.
Is there recovery for sex addiction?
Yes, there is recovery for sex addiction. This recovery takes time and hard work especially in the first year but with guided help the sex addict can experience restoration in their emotional, relational, sexual, financial and even spiritual lives. I have seen marriages made better than they ever were and addicts live much happier lives than they ever thought possible. I have been in successful recovery over eleven years and I know it’s available for those who choose to work for and maintain recovery.
Is there research on sex addiction available?
There is research being done in the field of sexual addiction. The monitored mail list of Heart to Heart Counseling centers provides weekly research information as well as excerpts from 101 Practical Exercises for sexual addiction recovery as well as Twelve Step discussions.
Can women be sex addicted?
Yes! The number of women desiring treatment is growing significantly. The behaviors are the same as their male counterparts including: masturbation, pornography, internet activity, anonymous encounters and affairs. Over twenty recovering female sex addicts contributed in writing She Has a Secret: Understanding Female Sexual Addiction. This book plus the Secret Solutions Workbook, with over 115 helpful techniques for recovery is just for her. If you would like to set up a telephone counseling appointment to start your journey of recovery, call today. There is hope for female sex addicts to recovery.
Is there any way to help our children not become sexually addicted?
Yes! Even though many of our adult male clients report that their fathers were sex addicts (porn, affairs, prostitutes etc.) they also report getting little to no proper sexual information to balance their sexual perspective. Good Enough to Wait is the first DVD of this kind to help your children understand sex and the brain, the long-term affects of pornography, long term sexual satisfaction and a whole lot more. This is the best combination of sex research and spiritual principles to date for youth to watch to give them a proper and currently informed sex talk.
Resources
If you or someone you love is dealing with sex addiction, there is help available for you. Resources are available from Dr. Weiss’ site.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
Oh Arlene, I am sorry for the position that your husband has put you in. It must be so hard to know what to do. I am not one who often counsels a person to divorce but I can understand from your story why you would want to do that. Trust is such a crucial part of marriage and if your spouse repeatedly promises fidelity but breaks that promise again and again I can see how destructive that would be on your love and trust.
At the same time I am also convinced that there is no person who is beyond hope of changing. That confidence is not based on a person’s ability to change themselves but rather on the transforming power of Jesus Christ. I have seen Jesus do some miraculous changes in people’s lives and I know He can do that in anyone’s life. So I know there is hope for your husband and your marriage but only through a miracle of God.
But if I was in your position I would be very cautious of how I give trust to your husband. The burden of proving his trustworthiness is on him. He would need to make some extreme changes to his life before I would give my trust to him. A marriage counsellor could be a great help in identifying ways that he could establish that proof of his trustworthiness. A counsellor would also be a big help for you planning how you can give that trust again.
Let me pray for you: Heavenly Father I pray for Arlene as she is so hurt by her husband’s actions. Bring comfort to her and help her to find her strength in You alone. I also pray for her husband who has some real problems. I pray that You would do a miracle in his life and set him free from these things that hold such power over him. I also pray for their boys and ask that You would protect them from the destructive influence of their father and keep them from following in his footsteps. Allow them to see a miraculous transformation in their father through the power of Jesus in his life. Amen.
For Arlene: My book, Survival Snapshots: Defending Home Against Sex Addiction, would I hope show you that you can survive this, no matter what your husband does, for yourself and your children. You are not alone and you can get through this. You might ask your library to order this book.
What to do? I’m at a crossroads. I feel so paralized right now. I’ve been married for 20 years. Have two wonderful boys, ages 11 and 20. Thought I married the love of my life, only to find out time and time again that he’s cheated on me. First time was a year and a half into our marriage, and that is only because he got caught. God knows how many affairs there have been in between all the affairs I have uncovered. Each and every time he told me he loved me soooo much, and didn’t want to lose me or the kids like he lost his first wife and kids (she took the kids and left after 7 years of marriage). The first few times, he said that we were both at fault. That I didn’t give him enough attention so he had to find it somewhere else. The guilt was always laid on me heavily, and of course feeling guilty and partly to blame for the straying, I would forgive and try to move on with our marriage. Two years ago, I found out that he cheated on me again with someone he worked with. That was the first time I brought up the possibility that he may have an addiction. He agreed to see our family therapist and after his first session he told me that the therapist did not think he had a sexual addiction, but maybe couples therapy could do a world of good for our long-standing marriage. I believed that. At least, I thought we reached a point were he understood the hurt it was causing me and the family. Two years later, new town, new jobs, new life, and I find out that he is cheating again with someone he works with. He’s told me that they only saw each other twice, although the first time was six months ago. Am I to believe that in the space of 6 months, they have only seen each other for sex twice??? He was found out two days ago because I looked through his phone while he was sleeping and saw very explicit sexual text messages in conversation. I had warned him two years ago that if it happened again, our marriage would be over. I even put it in writing to which we both signed our names – not a legal document by any means. After finding out about this last affair two days ago, he has been desperate, never blamed me for this, said it was all on him, that he truly thinks there is something wrong with him, that he thinks he may be a sexual addict, we both have cried, he has tried to come clean, told me of all the other instances I did not know about including his frequent visits to massage parlors and porn online late at night. He also uncovered the small stash of money he puts away regularly to pay for massages, hotel rooms, and the like. He has bought several books on information about sexual addiction and has contacted a sexual addiction clinic in our area. His first appointment is tomorrow. So, I’m at a true crossroads with noone to talk to about this. Do I treat this the same and -stay – and support him as if my spouse was trying to recover from alcohol or drug addiction, or should I do what I said and wrote I would do two years ago if this ever happened again – leave -.
Hi B,
There’s an article I think you should ready called Does Forgiveness = No Consequences. The author, who is a counsellor, talks about how forgiveness opens up the possibility of reconciliation but does not cancel out the consequences of bad choices and behaviour. You are not going to be able to instantly trust this man who has hurt you so deeply in the past, but if he has had a real change of heart then in time he may be able to demonstrate that he is a new man and they may be the possibility of a life together. You mentioned that you filed for divorce but not whether or not that divorce was finalized. What you do now will depend at least somewhat on what your marital status is.
Where to begin? I would strongly encourage you to seek counselling – together if he’s willing to go, alone if he is not. It will take time to work through the past hurts and a professional can really help with that. Your church is a great place to start. Many pastors do counselling and also keep a list of recommended counsellors. Take it slow. When trust has been broken it takes time to rebuild it, but when God is at work in the heart it IS possible. If you would like to talk to someone privately, we have online mentors available. You can use this form to request a mentor and you’ll hear back, usually within a couple of days. (What is mentoring?)
Thank you again. Please pray for God’s guidance in my life and my husband’s.
Good morning…..
My husband deceived me 100% while dating. Became a chameleon in order to gain my trust and eventually win me over. Once married, everything changed. In the 7 1/2 years we’ve been married I discovered his sex addiction (2 years into the marriage), he began engaging inappropriately with females anywhere, anytime, anyplace. And eventually had a full blown affair. After separating for 2 years and filing for divorce, on New Year’s Eve of 2012 he turned his heart over to God and now wants to reconcile. With so much deceit, lying, betrayals, and out right unfaithfulness, I don’t know that I can do it. He has turned all access to his phone and online phone bill to me, suggested I use the tracking system our provider has to find family members via their cell, and I still don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Is it time to move on? I’m happy he received his miracle of a renewed heart with God. But I fear I will always live a life watching my back and/or waiting for the next shoe to drop. I could use some Godly input. Thank you so much for being here. In the Spirit~ B
Dear Nik, so glad that you decided to open up and share the struggle you are currently dealing with regarding your problem with sex, porn, etc. The beginning of finding freedom from such addiction is realizing you have a problem and that you have not been able to concur it in your own strength.
It is good to hear that you “need to seek faith”. This shows that God is working in your life and desperately wants you to acknowledge your need for Him above all else. You said that you are Catholic and that you have been to confession several times but no true change has occurred in your situation. Have you ever accepted the Lord Jesus Christ into your heart as your personal Lord and Savior? It is through this personal relationship that you will find the ability to be set free from the battle you are in.
The Lord loves you so much and wants to fill the void in your heart that you are currently trying to fill via means of porn and dating multiple guys. These avenues and vises will only continue to bring you heartache and intensify your depression. Here are a few links for you to take a look at that will help you understand more fully the problem you are dealing with and sources to help you overcome your problem with abstaining from fleshly desires.
How to Deal with Your Sexual Addiction
http://christiananswers.net/q-eden/sexaddictiontips.html
Pure Intimacy
http://www.pureintimacy.org/pornographyaddiction/
You mentioned that there is no form of counseling where you live. Do you know if there are any local support groups in your area such as Celebrate Recovery? You can search on line for their site and then search for a local support group in your area. Hope to hear back from you and let me know if the above links where of help and if you where able to locate a local support group.
At this time, I would like to pray for you:
Father God I pray for Nick who is currently struggling with multiply issues. I pray that You would open Nick’s heart into receiving the pure, true love You have for her. May You line her up with the proper people and support that will enable her to overcome the bondage she is held captive to at this time. May Your Spirit guide her into truth that will set her free to become the woman you are calling her to become. May You impart Your peace and purity into her heart so that her mind is not so focused on sinful things. It is through the renewal of her mind that she will overcome and become victorious in Your ways of living. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen
I’m a single 30-something women.. and I can’t get sex out of my mind. I’ve tried abstaining from sourcing the net for porn, from masturbating, from fantasing, but nothing seems to help. I know I wasn’t abused as a child. I think one parent may have had a tendency towards sex and porn too. I’m catholic and trying to fight this. I’ve been for confession several times. The verdict has been that I’m depressed and need to seek faith. Really facing a hard time. There is no form of counselling where I live. I took a vow of chastity and broke it after a month which I’m very unhappy about. I’m back to dating two guys and still I’m searching for a life partner. I think I’m desperate. Please help…
@Amy your husband is fooling himself if he thinks that being a sex addict is in his blood it is pure lust. Sex addicts need sex not because they have a high sex drive but that they are hiding a deep pain and by watching porn it is self medicating. One of the things I have learned in my life is that when we surrender to God and ask him to take care of the problem things you never thought would happen will. It is important that you seek a support group for yourself from a local church as they will give you the strength to be able to deal with the problem. It helps when we talk with others. When you trust Christ and wait for him to answer you then you will find the way. Cry out to God and let him do the work not you as the Holy Spirit will do more than you will ever be able to do. God Bless
Most sex addicts do not want to get help, let alone admit they have a problem. All they can give are excuses for themselves that they are guys, they are alpha male, it a stress release/relief for them, it is not a crime….etc.
How come their partner can tolerate all these nonsense? i often wonder!
Such guys, to me, have sold their souls to the devil. I believe sex demon spirits are at work within them to ‘empower’ their sexual lusts and cravings…they may have asked for that for intensive sexual pleasure.
Sex is God-created for marriage relationships and is a beautiful gift from God Himself, yet the Evil One has twisted it for destruction… sleeping around, cohabiting, have multiple sexual partners, one night stands, etc, has now become the norm in this world of sexual immorality… cos everyone is doing it, its so common… that is how the devil whispers into their darkened hearts and deadened spirits…a Big Lie and Deception that will eventually lead to doom and destruction… STD, STI, HIV, etc , are totally ignored…
It is really a very sad situation and world we are living in these days… we know that we are living in the last days….. Jesus is returning soon…..
Having a daily Mantra that you practice & commit too, through daily sacrifice and discipline-everyday to help with sex addiction can be invaluable.
There are many self help groups, therapies, CD’s, and books that can offer support, encouragement, and be very helpful. But nothing or no one is going to help you like you can help yourself.
The best help is ‘Within’ You! A daily mantra that helps you daily can be most effective in facing ones sex addiction Head on! May I suggest a book to do just that…
Ps… You may want to check this book out called: ‘The Masseur’ at lulu.com (There is also a CD that goes along with that book too!)
I have been married for 7 years, we’ve dated for 4 years prior. I have always known that my husband had a high sex drive and was a sex addict. I went into the marriage knowing it was an issue, but I guess I thought somehow I could deal with it or fix it. Over the years I have made excuses for him and went from extremes of ignoring it, to begging for him to seek help to trying the if ya cant beat him join him thing. His biggest issues are needing it constantly more than once a day even and using porn for masturbation. Ive voiced my hurt and concerns over the use of porn and masturbation and feeling that sex is the only thing he wants from me. He says if I just give it to him and try all the things he wants that he will be fine that nothing else can help. More and more I cant help but think I cant do this any more I really want a divorce. He knows he has a problem but thinks no one can help. He uses the excuses his dad is the same his grandfather had wi2e to take care of it. Its in his blood
Rachel, You’re in a complicated situation. You cannot stop someone else’s addiction, only the addicted person can do that, and often only with a lot of professional help. It can be done, but the addict has to want to change. From what you’ve said here it sounds like he is very happy with his life and is not interesting in giving up his addiction. Until he truly wants to change there is very little that you can do.
One question that I think you may need to ask him is whether or not he is having sex. If he says that he is a sex addict, that he can’t control his addiction and that he loves his life with the addiction, and he’s not having sex with you, does that mean that he’s having sex with someone else? I know that that is an awful question to have to ask, but you need to know for sure. If he is having sex with other people then he brings health risks into your relationship that you need to be aware of.
As much as you want to make him stop, you can’t and that is not your job. If he wants to stop there are people and programs that can help, but you cannot do it for him. I am so sorry that is such a hard truth. It is awful to watch someone that you love continue in a harmful behaviour. I would encourage you to find a counsellor to talk to. If you do get married sometime in the future, his addiction won’t simply go away because you got married. It will always be there – either as something he does, or something that he needs to be careful about because he can fall back into it. A counsellor should be able to help you see what your options are and the best way to more forward. If you would like to talk to someone privately, we have online mentors available. You can use this form to request a mentor. (What is mentoring?)
im dating with sexaddict bf whom just told me everything about his addict.he say he still love me, but he cant control his addict.we plan to getting married but suddenly he say he scare of marriage, he scare he cant trust himself n hurt me. but we still care n love each other.when i ask him to stop d addict, he say that he love his life now (with d addict),i dont wanna have sex before married. but he like sex so much and now he addicted to it already.what can i do to make him stop his addict?my heart is torn apart when he suddenly say he cant married me because he love his addiction life now.he say he wish we married earlier last years but its too late now…i still love him..n i really wish he can stop his addiction…please help me to help him stop his addict…
Hi Jules, I am in agreement with Claire regarding your situation with your husband. Please do not try to ‘fix’ this issue on your own. It sounds like this situation is serious and heartbreaking to you. Proper counseling would be your best approach.
Please know that I will be praying on your behalf that God will open the eyes of your husband’s heart in allowing him to realize his wants and desires regarding sharing ‘sex’ with others are not proper for a married man and wife. I will also pray for God to comfort and aid you through this situation along with your little girl.
Jules, It sounds like you could really benefit from seeing a counsellor. Right now it seems like you and your husband have unreconciled expectations about your sex life. I wonder if your husband keeps asking for group sex because he thinks he can have both? A counsellor may be able to work with you both and help him to see that it’s an either/or situation, not both. Perhaps there might be other ways to add some additional creativity to your sex life in a way that is comfortable and honouring to the two of you?
I am almost 100 percent sure that my husband is a sex addict. I am very concerned because I love him but I am very unhappy. He has told me the same thing Stacey has been hearing from her date. “That he only wants me and others” “he wants to have sexual fun like group sex but he wants to share those experiences with me.” I do not want to share those experiences with him. I just am not happy and I don’t know if I should leave or hold on and try to fix things. We have a little girl.
Hi J
You are so wise and courageous to walk away from this type of life. Thank you for sharing your experience with some of us who have walked this road before. Reading your message again confirmed to me that I am doing the right thing to walk away. This addiction is so destructive and it breaks my heart to see how our innocent children gets drawn into this. Therefore we have to have the courage for ourselves so that we also protect them for their future. One sick parent is one too much.
I have been dating a guy for the past several months. Come to find out he’s a sex addict. What a manipulative, lying, thieving, sick guy he is. He would always try to turn things around, so that I was ‘crazy’ and nothing was going on. My mistake was not dumping him the minute I realized he was ‘sick.’ I know better than to think I can help anyone with any kind of addiction…other than pointing them in the direction of an appropriate 12 step program and giving them to God. I can’t help anyone, I can only get myself to an Al-Anon 12 step or similar 12 step program. I’m really pissed off at myself for putting my physical health, and emotional health in danger. This guy, all but robbed me blind, financially, too…because ‘poor thing’ has been victimized by this woman, that woman and yada, yada, yada. [Comment edited to comply with our Terms of Service. - Ed]
You so right Christine. I also found that my husband was distancing himself from me. OK it’s the shame then hey? It must be such a prison experience for a sex addict. Because I guess you dont want to hurt the people you love the most and then you probably promise yourself it will never happy again and then it does and then you start the cycle again of the shame, blame and so on. Wow thank God I am moving towards freedom from this life of living with an addict.
Hi all,
I am Christine na thank you for all of your posts, there are great.
I agree that you fcan not help a sex addict unless he/she admitts the problem.I of recent found out that my husband has been a sex addict for about 15 years, even before meeting me, but he never accepts the problem. He basically covered himself, used me got children and after that went more wild with his addiction. I would have loved to help him beacuse he is the father of my children though our relationship is ending, but he never accepts even when i have the proof on the table. In fact the whole situation os guilty,shame makes him unconfortable to be around me.
Hi Taylor, as with all addictions the first steps are admitting that you have a problem that you are powerless to fix. I think that you are coming to that place. Some next steps for you could be going to see a counselor, a pastor, or accessing other resources. One online resource is http://www.xxxchurch.com. You also saw in the article here that Dr Weiss has an online resource at http://www.sexaddict.com/. But if you are powerless over the addiction that controls you, you need to find a help outside of yourself that can give you that control back.
I recently discovered that my husband was loading airtime for a few mobile numbers from his bank account. I called these numbers and the phones would be switched off. These ladies then call back and want to know how you got their number? Is this the way prostitutes operate now? Sorry guys if I sound stupid but I mean they operate with cell phones now. As you would have seen from my previous posts I know my husband has this problem. I’m just curious to know about that community. Truly it is a community on its own hey. I thank God that He has allowed me to walk away from this life with a husband ensnared in sexual addiction. it is sad to see his life spiralling but I dont have to take responsiblity for his behaviour. I thank God for the strength I have found on this site just reading other peoples challenges and walk to freedom helps a lot. We are still in the process of divorce but at least he has now moved out of the house so my children and I are not exposed to this lifestyle any longer.
After reading through this article I felt like I had more of a problem than I had initially thought. After hearing that sexual addiction among females is not an uncommon thing I am growing increasingly more frightened and concerned for myself. I am currently involved in a two year, long-term relationship with an incredible individual although during the last year I cannot seem to stop myself from cheating over and over again without reason. It is tearing my relationships (family, friends, partner) and although I try to address the problem, I can’t keep it under control! Is there anything I can do? What does this mean?
Stacey, I would agree with Gail that it is a dangerous thing to feel like you are the one who is going to help an addict get free. Often (not always) it is the person who feels like the helper who inadvertently becomes the one who enables the addict to continue by trying to cover up for the poor choices the addict makes. You know, the wife who calls in sick for her husband when he is just hung-over, the dad who hides his son’s stash from police so he doesn’t have to go to jail. You could get drawn into that same kind of enabling for your boyfriend.
I appreciate your request for prayer and I have been praying for you and him. Make sure you allow God to build a support group around you that can help give you a balanced perspective and godly counsel in this relationship. Let me pray for you now: Lord God I ask that You would protect Stacey. Guide her into the actions that You want her to take to help this boyfriend. Give her wisdom and strength and bring people to her who can be a help and support for her. i pray for this young man that she loves. I ask that You would open his eyes and transform his life. Set him free from this addiction and guide him onto the path that You have created him for. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen
Dear Stacey
I cannot tell you what to do because ultimately it is your decision. I read your post with so much concern for you. There is nothing you can do for your friend who is a sex addict. The experiences I have had and I wish someone told me that 20 odd years ago, was that only the addict can help him or herself. the first part of that help is to admit that they need help. If you are in a relationship with this person you definitely cant help the person. You too need counselling as you need to be made aware that there is a point where you may have to walk away. Living in a relationship with a sex addict is a tough life and no one deserves it. Hope this helps hey.
I need help. I just discover my date is a sexual addict. I noticed his weird that he onlyt talked sexual. That’s about all he can talk about. I think he’s in the ” later” stage of sex addict. I’ve been surfing internet how to help the sex addict. He wants to have sex with me so bad. He only wanted me and he said I only want u and others. I haven’t give in. I refuse.but he keeps begging. He trusts me and a lot of women rejected him. He told me he get burn so many times that no women wanted him. I do find him sexuality attractive but I’m not a sex addict but I do have high sex drive. I’m christian. So I try not to be preachy. So I wanna show GoD’s grace. God’s grace can be substitude for sex. He doesn’t know God’s grace. So I’m thew only one can show that to him. I understand how he feels. Cuz I was a love addict before and my pastor showed me God’s grace by showing hhis love for me and He ave me a lot of attention. So I wana do the same foer this guy who is sex addict. There I no one whill show that to him. I’m the only one. So I would need ur prayers fort him.there is no one eles. He’s isolated and lonesome. He used to be popular when he was high school. I can see he’s heading toward a corrupted mind. So tell me what to do.I juist wanna hug him make him feel like a person again. Alive in chirist. He needs to feel that. So I’m no expert b ut I do know lov e of Christ.
So glad you were both helped Gail and Marian. We are always encouraged to hear that from our visitors! Thanks for taking the time to post!
Hi,Thank you so much, for the information and i really impressed with the article and i really for sharing this information actually i had a problem a few years ago but it good now, due to the addiction hotline,this article is very helpful to any one who is facing the problem….
Thank you Claire. God uses you to say the appropriate things and this is why this site is soooooo meaningful to me. You are so so right. I don’t have to accept what is said in an email. It’s him giving vent to the deep down anger I guess and the realisation that I deal with these things differently now than in the past. Since he has moved out of the house well not completely but at least he sleeps over at his mums now, things are easier on me and the kids. no more early hours of the morning arrivals, or coming home drunk. We can begin living our new life and restored life with the Lord’s grace. But yeah you so right whatever is legal will have to come to me via the lawyer. He even blames me for having a lawyer when he was the one to run to a lawyer first. Anyway it’s part of his process I guess but not my problem. All the best and thank you again for an insightful website.
Gail, My heart aches for you and the road that you are walking. As I read your comment I was reminded of something a good friend of mine constantly tells me: I am not responsible for another person’s thoughts, feelings, or actions. The same is true for you. If his life spirals after the divorce that is on him, it’s not on you. Remember too that you are not required to read his emails. It’s likely that he is very angry and I can only imagine what those emails must be like. Anything official that needs your attention will come through the lawyers. If he’s only spewing venom at you, don’t read them. You don’t have to plunge the knife any deeper into your own heart. There has been enough damage already.
Hi, I have written before and we have now appeared for the protection order to be put in place, in the meantime my husband has applied for a protection order denying his addictions and accusing me of causing him emotional and psychological abuse by accusing him. After he himself having admitted this at a time in our marriage when I wanted to divorce him before. The deception and lies that goes with this addiction can drive you mad if you dont remain focussed. Since he now has four addictions, sexual, smoking, drinking and gambling I have asked my lawyer to arrange for me to remain and have the house transferred onto my name. Aye the stink email he sent me today…… telling me how his family will fight me tooth and nail etc. I thank God I have the courage to not respond. Of course it does affect me but I believe I have moved from the place of him holding me captive and towards my freedom. His uncle’s wife divorced the uncle years ago and died recently. He uses the example of what he interpreted at his uncles funeral as the ex-wife looking so bitter and says he thought to himself that’s Gail in a few years time. So sick the way Satan can control an addicts behaviour to believe their own lies. We as the spouses need to remain committed to the Lord and keep our hearts and minds in accord with Him so we keep focussed that it is not a fight we are putting up. I need to think with my head now. It is inevitable that we can lose everything if the house remains on both our names and it is inevitable that once the divorce is granted his life will spiral. To all the spouses in my position I am mindful of you tonight and pray that God will take us through and through it all He will get the glory.
Gail, that is fantastic news!
I have been through this. Throughout my adolescence, I would look at porn and my actions that coincided with it constantly left me feeling guilty, etc., afterwards. It carried on into my adult-life. Even when I would try to resist it, I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t DO anything about it. Part of the problem was that, although I considered myself to be a Christian, I did not understand WHY what I was doing was so hurtful to myself and to God. When I researched it and started reading in-depth in God’s Word, I saw that the lust for the images that I was feeling was sin. I knew I was sinning before, but I didn’t know exactly how. When I really, entirely gave my life over to Christ, I can tell you that Jesus took hold of me, creating a complete 180 in my life, and drove the addiction right out of my life. God is faithful and good, He won’t let you down. I was an addict for 15 years, and if Jesus could change my life so drastically, so wholly and fully, then no matter how long you’ve been going through this, Jesus Christ is in the business of saving and changing lives! “…[W]ith God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26, NIV).
Dear Claire
Thank you so much for your response. I have been so blessed to be exposed to this site. Can’t remember how it happened but I am so grateful. God has heard your prayer and while you prayed that my husband not live with us it miraculously happened. last night he came to my younger son and said to him, Mum doesnt want me to come home drunk and I am going to sleep next door at night at his mums house. He also said, you know what is happening between mum and dad. I dont want to sit in jail and I will be sleeping next door. The Lord is so faithful and I wanted this but God’s timing is just so amazing. Yep I get the bit about the transference. I wish I could feel that maybe one is better than the other but having walked this road so long, it all is so gross and so destructive. Yep I too pray for mercy on his life. However I believe God to work it all out for His glory. Thanks for the clarity and thanks for your prayers. Wonderful Jesus.