Space in a Relationship
How much emotional space do you occupy in your relationship? Could the amount of emotional space you and your partner each take up have anything to do with whether your relationship makes it or not? Indeed it does.
Just what do I mean by “emotional space?” It’s the time, energy, and space your partner spends dealing with or listening to your emotions, words, thoughts, wants, needs, etc. When it comes to the emotional space dynamic, there are three types of couples:
Type 1: One person in the relationship takes up most of the emotional space.
In this type of relationship, one partner seems to be super involved, expressing most of everything in the relationship. This person may seem extreme, emotional, needy, intense, and possessive, while the other person may appear to be uninvolved in the relationship, seeming to have hardly any needs at all.
Video: How can you affair-proof your marriage?
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The partner that seems super involved is typically filling up the most emotional space in the relationship, often out of fear that there will not be a relationship if the emotional space is not occupied.
Unfortunately this is a mistake. The emotional life of the relationship needs to be generated by two people as equally as possible. Otherwise, you end up with a lopsided relationship and with both people unhappy. One will be unhappy because he or she is always working on the relationship and the other one will be unhappy because he or she seemingly can’t get a break from the drama.
What’s more, the person who is generating the relationship will eventually get burned out and will need to stop. If the lopsided relationship has been going on for too long, it may simply fall apart.
Help for the “Type 1″ relationship
If you are the person taking up most of the emotional space, stop. By taking up most of the space, you prevent your partner from participating in the relationship. Stop taking up the space by shifting your needs outside the relationship (not infidelity). Instead of talking to your partner, talk to your friends or family or to your journal. Instead of asking for many needs to be met, ask for only some to be met, or for none to be met for a period of time.
Create a vacuum so that your partner has something to step into. It will feel strange and uncomfortable, but it is necessary discomfort. If your partner does not participate in the relationship, he or she may look for more connection elsewhere.
Get help in learning how to stop taking up so much emotional space. Hire a good therapist or a relationship coach to work on this. You may also need help as a couple in learning how to share the emotional space and in teaching your partner how to take up more space.
Type 2: Both partners alternate in how much emotional space they occupy, with one person always taking up too much.
This type of relationship is a version of Type 1 above except the couple is more intertwined and involved with each other. This is a positive for the couple.
Yet often when the amount of emotional space partners take up alternates, the amount of drama alternates as well, never subsiding. A couple who frequently deals with drama gets exhausted and burned out and never achieves the closeness and connection they crave.
Help for the “Type 2″ relationship
Stop the drama. The key for both of you is to tone down all of your emotions, needs, wants, upsets, etc. The second key is to make sure your partner stays involved at all times. These steps may sound simple, but in fact are difficult to do. Get help from a coach or a therapist on how to stop the drama and balance your relationship.
Type 3: Neither person in the relationship takes up much or any emotional space.
This is a relationship where people reach a particular level and stay there. They may enjoy each other’s company, perhaps see each other on a regular basis, and they may even be intimate.They might have been together for a long time or may even be living together or married. Yet they do not move deeper into each other’s emotional lives.
For some people this type of relationship is more than satisfying, more than enough. For others, this kind of relationship is only a satisfactory prelude to the real depth any couple is capable of reaching together. If you are in this type of relationship and it works for you, great. But, if you are in this type of relationship and you want more, here’s a solution.
Help for the “Type 3″ relationship
If you are in a relationship where neither one of you takes up too much emotional space, the two of you will eventually simply drift away. If you want to keep the relationship, it’s time to both invest more and invite your partner to invest more as well.
But be careful not to cross over into a Type 1 relationship and take up all of the emotional space. Do go slowly, perhaps begin by sharing some small part of yourself that you have been holding back. Be a bit more open, and bit more authentic in your responses. Take small emotional risks and see if your partner will follow.
Do be aware that your partner may not want to follow you into deeper emotional waters — some people are highly uncomfortable being close. If this is the case, you will need to choose whether you want to continue the relationship or not. You will need to decide how emotionally close a relationship you ultimately want to have with your life mate.
Type 4: Both people in the relationship take up enough emotional space to feel connected and loved.
Obviously this is what a healthy relationship looks like. One aspect of a healthy relationship is that both people can stay involved emotionally and flow in the amount of space each one takes at any given time. Some periods of time may be predominantly about one person, while most of the time the couple will stay fairly balanced. Neither partner will shut out the other or be too far removed emotionally from the relationship at any given time.
As in all other things, when it comes to relationships, balance seems to be the key. Work on balancing the amount of emotional space you take up in your relationship so that both of you get the room you need to be yourself.
Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
Cristal, You ask an excellent question: it is ever ok to stay in a relationship where there has been infidelity? Yes, it can be, but here’s the but (and you know a “but” was coming) it’s foolish to think that the relationship will just go back to the way it was on its own. It’s going to need some repair work.
I think that restoration is totally possible, but it doesn’t just happen. You have to be very intentional about it. Think of it like a broken arm – the arm can heal and be strong again but only if it’s set properly. It’s like that in a relationship that has suffered a trauma like infidelity, especially one where there’s a child involved.
The first question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you can handle him having this child in his life. He is tied to this child, and by extension the baby’s mother, for life. What you need to figure out is whether or not you can deal with that. You can’t compromise on a baby. You’re either in or out. Once you’ve figured out where you stand on that, pretty much everything else in the relationship CAN be negotiated.
I would strongly urge you to see a counsellor together to help you work through the complicated emotions you both must be feeling. Trust can be rebuilt and a counsellor will be able to give you specific tools to help you both do just that. Most likely you’ll find that you need to reset your relationship a little. That doesn’t mean that you break up, it means that you go back to an earlier phase of the relationship and rebuild back up to the place you are now. If you go back to our broken arm analogy – you wouldn’t expect to be able to lift a heavy bag of groceries on arm that is two days out of a cast. You have to rebuild that strength. The same is true here. He needs to prove to you that you can trust him with little things before he can ask you to trust him with big things (even if, especially if, you had attained a very high level of trust before the infidelity).
Having said that, don’t completely discount your parent’s opinion. Remember, they love you and they want the very best for you. Help them to see that if you do decide to pursue this you’re not doing it blindly or going ahead with it only because it sounds like it’s easier than being alone.
As for how to gauge whether or not the relationship is worth staying in? How contrite is he? Is he serious about doing whatever it takes to rebuild the relationship? Do you feel like he understands how deeply you’ve been hurt? How does he behave now? Is he overly flirty with other women or is he more careful? Is he open to telling you what he’s been up to or where he has been? (Often when there has been infidelity there’s a period of time where the one who cheated is completely transparent with the other willing to be checked in on at any time until their new behaviour has proven that they have changed.) When you picture a future that includes both this man and his child, what does it feel like? Is there any chance that he wants to be with the mother of his child?
Only you will know for sure whether or not to go ahead with this. It’s not impossible, but it is hard work so the question is a) is he willing to do the hard work with you? and b) is the relationship worth it? Only you (and he) can answer that. Does his behaviour before all this happened suggest that he’ll be a strong partner in the future? Was this a one time thing or are there other things he didn’t tell you about until much later? One question I would ask him if he were my boyfriend is, “Why didn’t you tell me when it happened? Why didn’t you tell me as soon as you knew she was pregnant?” If he was thinking he might not ever have to tell you, that would be a red flag for me.
Love alone is not enough of a reason. You can love someone and not be able to be with them. Which hurts down to the bone but does get easier with time. If you love him and he loves you and you’re both willing to work together towards a common future then yes, it’s possible. You just need to figure out what you want and whether or not what has happened is compatible with that.
Hi, I have a very difficult and heart breaking problem that I am dealing with. I have been with my boyfriend for over two years but last year when i went away to school and came back, I received some very disturbing news. He had cheated on me when he had gone away to school the previous year and a baby was the product of his infidelity.
Understandably my parents do not want me to continue the relationship with him but maybe stupidly I did in fact stay in the relationship. However, things have never been the same since. The dynamic of our relationship has changed so much and he has made it clear or has said to me that he regrets what he did and wants to be with me. I have lost all trust and I never realized before how difficult it is to get that trust back…until now.
I really do not know what to do. I do love him but I feel embarassed and hurt by everything. What should I do? Is it ever ok to stay in relationship that has been through a tribulation like this? What should I use to guage whether its worth staying or not? Please offer me some guidance.
@Curt
The question that I would ask myself is did God want this woman for me? You are hoping she will change your mind and my friend nothing you do in your life will change how she feels about you. You may dream about her all you wish but what you thought you had was not there. Yes people can forget about you as it has happened to me often the only thing that as a Christian we can do is thank God the prevented us from marrying someone that God did not wish for us to be married to. Then ask him to bring the right woman into your life and Christ will.
God Bless,
@Jaime: Hey Jaime – no the quotes were not to me but I just look at some of the stuff she says on twitter and I get confused. She wanted me to become more independent for myself. I just accepted a job today teaching – something I wanted to do – I posted it on twitter and facebook. I was hoping that she would see these things and see I am becoming a strong independent person. I don’t think she even cares or thinks about me anyways.
I have grown closer to God and if God wants this to work he will let it. If not well then I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.
Can you just forget somebody that you looked at rings with, talked of marriage with, and shared good memories with?
Hey Curt, did she tweet these to you or about you? Are they from the same tweet?
The Hebrews passage is talking about why we hold strong to our trust in Jesus even in the middle of difficult times. It is not because of what we get out of life here on Earth as much as it is the hope of the reward that we will receive when we come into the presence of Jesus for eternity. The people the author was writing to were being treated very harshly for their faith in Jesus and the author was encouraging them to endure those difficulties because the joy they will have in heaven far surpasses any pain and suffering they experience here on Earth. So our faith is not in what we have here on Earth but the hope that waits for us in heaven.
The quote seems to be referring to the fact that so many people are held back by low expectations. If everyone expects that a young man is always going to be a screw up because he keeps on making poor choices, often those expectations become self-fulfilling prophecies. But if that young man comes into relationship with a person who sees the potential that he has and treats him with respect and holds the bar high for that young man, the young man can be inspired to reach for something greater than what he is right now.
I am not sure what the connection there is between these two quotes though. What do you think?
Would someone tell me what they think this verse means and this quote?
Hebrews 11:1 – Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
“Treat a man as he is, and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he could be, and he will become what he should be.”
My gf and I broke up over a month ago and I recently saw these tweets the other day. She broke up with me out of nowhere really and she was confused about everything. She seems to be doing fine now though. Its like she doesn’t care from what I see I guess. I have grown closer to God and I hope that I can find some closure or he could give me something some day. She said that she lost feelings and left it at that basically.
Can someone please comment on this please.
@ Curt,
I am sorry to hear about your break up and I understand that it must be extremely confusing for you. When God created me he blessed me with ADD and during my life I have felt that most people do not understand why I do things a certain way and don’t understand why it is extremely difficult for me to trust others. One of the blessings as well as curses of ADD is that I have the ability to instantly cut out a person from my life who I feel is a threat to me. I will erase every aspect from that person in my life and once that trust is broken it will never return. For myself I think and view things at a different level then most people as God has blessed me with this ability. God has blessed me with discernment and your former girlfriend might have seen things in your life that made her feel uneasy and did not want to hurt your feelings so in order to avoid conflict she decided to leave even though it was by text she did not wish to become emotionally involved anymore. Don’t pressure her to find out why she felt this way as she will just clam up and will never speak to you again if you try to find out why.
I know it must be very difficult for you to understand but people like myself never fully trust people 100 % until a person has proven themselves to be trust worthy. Their is no middle ground either we trust or we don’t and when we get to the point where we don’t trust we eliminate the person from our minds and move on. The danger is when we do trust we trust 100 % and are decisions are often pure emotional and not logical no matter what the gender is. We still have memories of the person but the very nature of ADD is that we tend to forget the past.
I have had extremely difficult time becoming involved in a relationship as a result. I was married many years ago but even though the divorce was necessary to free me I made things worse by not fully trusting and living in Gods word. I have a much closer relationship with Christ and am able to have relationships with other people that allow me to to share Christ with them. The danger for me is always not to protect myself too much and isolate myself as often we do.
First don’t blame yourself as trust me being married to someone with ADD definitely complicates things as marriage in itself is a challenge and you add ADD into the mix then your in for quite the ride! It takes a very patient, kind heart, and discerning person to be married to someone like myself with ADD. I am sure you did your best and deep down she appreciated your efforts but often in life people like myself don’t even know ourselves why we do things till God reveals it to us.
Secondly ask Christ through the Holy Spirit to break whatever feelings and bonds you have with her as if you did have sexual relations then ask the Holy Spirit to break the physical bond. He will break the tie that you with her as you have not let go and are still holding onto the feelings trust me she will never be the way she was with you before you broke up.
Third and most important earnestly seek Christ and read, study and mediate on his word as often we place our happiness, hopes, and trust on the opposite sex only to have it come crashing down around us. Pray with others in a small group and focus on becoming a spirit filled Christian then God will replace the feelings with his love and you will be joyful and then when your heart is ready God will send you the right woman. My last relationship I tried desperately for her to love me but the harder I tried the bigger the road blocks God put in front of me.
In the bible their is a story where a prophet is walking his donkey down a path as the prophet was so focused on where he was going that when an angel blocked his path and the donkey stopped the prophet beat the donkey into submission. The donkey then continued to walk until a little further down the path the donkey once again stopped because the angel was blocking the path and the prophet once again beat the donkey again into submission so hard that the donkey kept on walking. When they were walking down a path with rock walls on both side so they had to walk single file and the donkey was forced once again to stop because their was an angel that was blocking his path for the third time1 During the beating of the donkey the prophet looked up and saw the angel standing and blocking the path! We are often like the prophet we are in a desperate hurry to get married or have a girlfriend that when God blocks the path because it is the wrong person we tend to beat the donkey so to speak to force the relationship. We try hard just like the prophet did until we look up and see that Christ has his angel protecting us from doing something we should not do. It is much better to seek Christ ask his blessings and he will show us if the person is the right one as we see the present and he sees the future a Christ filled relationship is better than a self filled relationship.
God Bless.
@Curt – I had the same thing happen to me 3 years ago. I had been dating a guy for almost 2 years. One day he calls me up out of the blue and tells me that he lost feelings for me, and that it was over. I could not reason with him. I moved on, but two months later, he contacted me, and said that he wanted me back. He said that he was afraid of marriage so that’s why he broke up. He wanted me back after he had changed his mind. I, however, did not take him back. Although we had discussed it off and on, I had never pressured him to get married before our breakup, so the pressure he felt was all his own. I believe that your ex may be going through something similar. I do not think this has anything to do with you. You could be the best boyfriend on the planet, but until she learns to deal with her own issues (whatever those may be), she will continue to create situations like this for herself, no matter who the person is. You’re probably better off without her but I wouldn’t be surprised if she eventually came back to you. Unless she grows and changes, she could very well do the same thing to you again in 6 months or a year. If it’s not you….then it will most likely happen to someone else she dates. In my opinion, I suggest that you move on and find someone who can better match your emotional maturity…someone more comfortable with commitment.
Ok well here is the deal … My gf broke up with me in the middle of last month because she said that she had lost feelings for me and she was battling it for a bit. I honestly didn’t know that she was battling it because we went on a nice vacation about two weeks before that and she never showed me any reasons that she would be fighting anything. She said that she didn’t know if we truly loved each other or just felt comfortable with each other. I told her that after awhile you become both.
We dated for a little over a year and everything was great. We had our ups and downs just like any normal relationship. It was a little different in this one though because she is ADD and takes medicine everyday for it. About 3 months ago she broke up with me for about a week and she ended up coming back because she said that she couldn’t be without me. We ended up looking at rings not long after that and she always talked about getting married. She told me when she broke up with me that she couldn’t think about getting married right now or planning a wedding or anything. I told her that I wasn’t the one pushing the marriage.
This is her last semester as a undergraduate and she recently got accepted into the PhD program not long ago. She has been trying to get all of that settled for the last few weeks. She is really focused on her studies and job.
I went NC for a few weeks after the break up and when I realized she deleted the rest of our photos and stuff on facebook the early morning of my birthday I decided to send her a email just wishing her the best with school and reminding her of the good memories we had and different stuff like that. It wasn’t an email begging her back. Then a few days later she sent some of the stuff that I asked her to send me back. The day of my bday she did say thanks for the email and just wishing you a happy bday. I just said thanks and haven’t talked to her since and that has been over a week.
I also just recently noticed that on twitter she added this thing called Singles Struggling – college girls trying to find Mr. Right or something. I was a little confused by that and wondered why she would add that. She seems like she is doing fine without me and having a good time. I just don’t understand how you can drop somebody out of your life like that?
I lived in the same college town as her for about 5 months and after that I moved back home which is about and hour and a half away. We saw each other on the weekends, random days through the week, and vacations and holidays. So we still saw each other a lot. I just don’t understand how you say you want to marry me and be with me and now you can just drop me out of your life like I never existed? Will someone tell me what they think please???
I have become a stronger person and I now realize my purpose in life and I am working hard to get there and I am growing closer to God trying to find the answers. She did all this over the phone and text – I didn’t get to see her – I just am really confused.
This makes for intersting reading. I am not mormally a needy person, especiallly when I lived on my own for years and years but now that I am in a relationshipit seems near imposssible to have the connection I would like or need. Intimacy is almost non existent. My partner has many of his own interests the only thing we really do together is go out for a feed, he’s a big eater. My emotions are up and down all the time. I’m tired of thinking everything is more important than me. Sometimes I think I’m just a cheap roof over his head, and someone to pay for things so that he can go out and live an enjoyable single mans life. Even if we do go to something he just buggers off and leaves me….I can’t work it out, and most of the time her won’t discuss anything with me. Life is a struggle.
So Mary & Deanna, I am curious to know why you stay with these men when you find their need for attention so unappealing?
@Deanna, I feel your pain! UGH 3 months serious dating & I’m at wits end.
I have been in a relationship with a man for about 6 months. He has always been quite needy in how much attention he needs and his expectations. I have said how I feel and he backed off from texting me 3 or 4 times an hour to now a couple times a day. He is one of those folk who has to be on FaceBook all the time and fidgeting with his phone or something. I have a home of my own and I really like my alone time and space. I am willing to talk and workthrough issues with him, but I am always the instigator or issues or even things to do. Since he needs so much energy to be around I really would like to see him on the weekend and he would go home on Sunday morning so I have time to my self before work on Monday. He is not respecting this. He plays the wounded puppy and this is from a 59 year old man. This is really turning me off. I am a very busy woman who has 3 jobs and I am working on having a retirement plan of my own. Suggestions to having my space needs met?
Hi Marty, Have you suggested that she read this article? I know some people don’t respond well to those kinds of suggestions but it may be a way to focus your conversation together.
I don’t think buying a ring is the best idea at this point though :)
Uh oh! I just realized that if she reads this article she is going to see your comments. Oh Well, just tell her there must be another Marty with very similar life circumstances!
good article- i am in type 4 we’ve been married for 25 years so we are i think quite comfortable with each other.
Hi there. This article was a real eye-opener for me. I am in a Type 1 relationship. My girlfriend is the person who has taken up the emotional space for the longest time – certainly since we became a long-distance couple about a year and a half ago. She would always say that I wasn’t doing enough to bring us back together (she is focused on her career and I am a father of two elementary age boys) but yet, all I ever felt like was that she was being excessively needing since she moved and not dealing with our situation rationally at all. We fought endlessly and it always came back to her feeling like I didn’t care or have enough time for her or need her enough…and me feeling like she was always criticizing me, always upset, not being proactive for herself and finding friends/dealing with the current situation better, etc. It got really bad and a few weeks ago we had a huge fight, and she walked away feeling like I didn’t want to be with her. Furthest thing from the truth but I finally stood up for myself and said what I was and wasn’t that comfortable with for our future and she took it as rejection, got angry, and broke up with me. She’s called every day since though and we’ve seen each other several times since then. Each time it’s loving and basically just the same as always. The phone conversations have been brutal though and she is sometimes ‘into it’ and other times not at all. It’s been so hard for me this past month and she says (as you stated exactly) she loves me, and knows I love her, but that she’s just ‘burned out’ on trying to find a solution. So I don’t know what to do. Give her space? Try to fix things? Buy her a ring? :) I love her and want a life with her but the long distance has dealt a huge blow to our relationship. I feel like we are on relationship life support right now and want to find some way to get past this rough patch and back to loving each other – with more effort on my part so she doesn’t feel like she’s in it alone. I felt like I gave everything I could before but it seems it wasn’t enough. Wanting to do more. Love this girl with all my heart. Help, please…thank you so much. God bless.
Hi Leon,
I find that sometimes a person in a relationship is defensive as they are extremely fearful of the past hurt that is still in there heart. To overcome this fear it is important to change the focus of the relationship and seek Christ as often we try to solve the problems in a persons life instead of allowing the Holy Spirit to guide us. Sometimes doing a bible study together or joining a bible group takes the focus above instead of horizontal. God Bless
Rinatta, what if you fit type 1, but are the one not getting a chance to enter the space? And your partner is defensive when you tell them that “I don’t feel like there is room for me.” They have offered to get professional help, but I don’t believe it, or am worried about what it entails.
Hi KH,
I’ll continue to pray for you and the foundation relationship that would strengthen all other relationships in our lives. Ultimately, God has your heart completely and knows you and loves you more than anyone on this earth. God bless you and may you continue to seek God’s face both when things are good and not so good. <3
you know after school he shows up and we sat there talking and i took off my promise ring he got me and said here when you can be more serious about us you can give it back to me and at this point i was balling and he started crying and said no i want you and put it back on my finger. if everything would only stay this happy and simple…i told him to remind me tht he loves me not to assume tht i know, mabye this will wake him up,…
thank you thats exactly what im going to do cause i sure cant bear this oneany longer.
Hi K H,
Don’t lose heart sister. I understand the emotions you are going through right now. I pray that you know your worth is not determined by how boys like him behave towards you. I pray you will know that one day, you will find yourself looking back at this situation with thankfulness that after the intense emotions passed, it helped you grow into wisdom that helped you get into better relationships. But it all starts with building ones relationship with God, who – as our Creator – really is the One who determines our worth. And you are extremely valuable to Him.
Have you ever lost a favored CD (or MP3 song), necklace or bracelet? It can make you crazy not knowing where it is until you are reunited with it. In the same way, God cares about each one of us and is heavily invested in our well-being and our hearts, the same way a Shepherd leaps with joy at finding one sheep that was lost or a coin collector celebrating the finding of one gold coin that was previously lost.
You are extremely worth more than diamonds to God. We know this because He sent His son to die for us. If you allow yourself to feel His presence as you are going through this, you will find rest from the turmoil of the pain this situation is causing you. He calls all those who are heavily burden to approach Him and cast your burdens at His feet, for His burden is easy and His yoke is light, to trade your sorrows for His joy… and not a religious fake joy, but a true deep joy that you will know is real!
I was just listening to a song today and the lyrics included: “You go through life making fools of others Prentending you’re giving them love But remember sister or brother You all have to answer to the one above us”
Sister, turn this boy over to the Lord. I pray your emotions find rest in His spirit and His presence and that you will be able to go through this with His strengh.
I pray for your restful sleep tonight sister. You are worth it! <3
here i am im back again….i wish i could say that things are better but there not at all , the other day he he was at his buddies house and h had dated his buddies sister in the past. and she will walk through the house in her bra and underwear!!! and he lied to me about going over to his buddies house , he said he has to lie to me i am so mad right now i cant even think right my hair is literally falling out im 16 yrs old and in highschool i cant even concentrate cause of this im loseing hair , sleep , energy i have been with this guy since jan. 2010 , he will say he is to tired to hang out with me and then he will go and hang with his friends i am taken foregranted and i hate it how can i make him see what he has before he loses it??
Hi Sim,
From you’ve shared, I can tell that you are going through a period of growth. I would like to point out what strikes me the most about your post: strength. I hope it brings comfort to you that there is strength within you. It reminds of the passage: “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me” – Philippians 4:13. This verse has given me strength through various challenging times in my life.
I see strength because you are able to be honest to your self about what you don’t like about yourself and what you would like to be. I see strength in how you don’t fall into denial and have reached out for therapy. I see strenth in that you have been through a period of self-reflection and can actually identify what events in your life may have caused you to seek a strong emotional connection with someone to go through those life events with.
Losing a family member, especially a mother is not by any means an easy experience. I can understand why you don’t want to see yourself as being a “Type 1″ person, but I hope you know that your need to reach out for emotional support through grief is a very healthy and natural way to heal
It is also very natural for you to not want your connection with you BF to end. We all need emotional support. It is good that you are seeking help. I’m sure that the respect you maintain for him to have space includes an understanding that you alone do not have the capacity to help him through what he may be need to go through, and vice versa. I want to share with you that I have also experienced various times, not just with romantic relationships but also friendships, where my heart wants more, but time with people, even the ones we think bring satisfaction, is never enough. It is because if we don’t spend enough time with God, as in reading the word, praying, and for me, spending time in praise and worship, we will always have a gap that needs to be filled.
With this in mind, I’d just like to say this prayer with you: “Abba Father, You know all the details of what Sim is going through, what Sim has gone through and the journey of healing and growth that Sim is on right now. I thank You Lord that You have given Sim wisdom and a drive to seek and uphold Truth. I pray Lord that You allow Sim to feel Your strong presence in life, during the times Sim spends online seeking for answers, comfort and healing, be there in the rooms with therapists, let Your light shine in Sim’s current darkness. I pray Lord that You lead Sim through the path of grieving and that you connect Sim to the people that will help Sim grow. I pray for blessings on whatever transitions may need to occur, according to Your purposes for Sim and the BF, that no matter what happens, for a season or longer, that You bring peace and joy to both. I trust Lord that You never give any of us more that we can handle, and that You are doing that for Sim right now. Thank You Lord for knowning all that is in store for Sim and that Your word says that it is for a hopeful future. Amen and Amen!!”
Feel free to always connect with us here, Sim. I’d also like to invite you to consider asking talking to one of our mentors one-on-one here powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor. Don’t be a stranger! :)
Hi,
My bf and I have been together almost a year and the beginning was great then we started spending too much time together and the arguments came. Big arguments frequently. For the last three months of our relationship we really got better as far as less fighting and it has been less tense between us. But yet although I feel we’ve gotten better I noticed he wasn’t doin the same things he use to do like calling me and stuff and I just felt like he loved me less and when I would ask him he said he still loved me the same and wanted to b with me but it’s just he didn’t wanna be that person he was before when we were fighting so much bc he no longer felt like hisself. I understand that but I don’t understand having to settle with less when I was getting more. I know relationships have to take many diff courses but I still need to be getting satisfied as well. Last night we got into a big fight and he came clean with me. He basically told me he doesn’t like telli g me things bc I take it out of proportion. I will admit I’m very sensitive. He also said that I’ve just made it hard and I bring him so much drama when we argue and he loves me but wants time to hisself for a little while so he can be better for us. I’m hurt.bc much as it hurts to be with him sometimes it hurts to be without him. I feel terrible bc I know that while it takes two, a lot of the fights and the bickering came from me being unhappy with things he didn’t have control over. I’ve never been the type 1 girl but I am now and it bothers me. While doing some self reflecting I had to is hard and think why I became so reliant on him and why I’m so attached and emotional now and I remember that he came into my life at a really hard period. My mom has bee. Sick with cancer for a while and in July she passed. My family completely broke apart and I felt alone. I’ve pretended like I’m handling it well but I’m not. I’m angry,betrayed & lonely and bc of this i was relying on my bf to be my strength and be everything that I was missing instead of taking that time for myself. I recently signed up for therapy and my therapists is gonna sign me up for grief counseling and I’m trying to find new and diff hobbies. I’m really trying to change myself and work thru this traumatic event for myself first and then for my relationship but I really love him and I would like his support thru it soar can become even stronger. I do respect the fact he needs space and says he’s still in love with me but he just needs time to think. He is definitely thE type of person who takes a while to process things but I’m scared he’ll think he’s better off without me. I feel terrible for allowing my pain to become his pain and I just want to do what it takes to make me better and our relationship. I want no one but him.
Hi k h, I won’t be able to tell you why your boyfriend has changed the way he treats you. If he is unwilling to talk through this with you than it is going to be hard to see any changes happen. One thing I would do if I was in your place is ask myself if I really want to be with a man who can become this kind of a person. Even if he has been very kind and nurturing before, he is now showing you another part of his personality. If he were to revert back to his former self would you feel safe with him knowing that he has this side as well that could resurface again?
You asked the question “Why would God…?” Let me encourage you to talk to God about that. I am glad that you do acknowledge God leading you. It is not easy trying to discern “Why” because God does not always tell us why. But this I do know: if you do talk with God about the hurt that you feel, about the questions you have, and ask Him for help, He will answer you. He will strengthen you so that you can deal with the hurt and He will lead you into His perfect plan for you. “Perfect plan” may not be pain free (in fact I guarantee that you will experience pain because it is a part of human life) but it will help you to become the person that God needs to accomplish His plans and purposes; things far greater than you could ever ask or imagine.
Let me encourage you to talk with one of our on-line mentors. They can help you interact with God and discover what His plans are for you. You can find the Mentor Request Form at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor
my boyfriend says i am not giving him enough space and when he gets mad at me he yells and typically says really hurtfull things i ask him how to fix us and he says just let me do what i want , with who i want , when i want , he has said that he doesnt care about my feelings… and before he had gotten a job we were perfect he had never said a hurtfull thing to me … i dont know what to do i dont wanna give up on us cause we have been together for 2 years on this upcoming january…. but u cant handel this stress i keep asking myself why would god give me this amazing man and ket me fall inlove with him and then take him away from me so if you could help me understand why he is being the way he his and what am I supposed to do??
Hi R,
I am not sure about you but when I feel I am getting clingy, your boyfriend already feels it too. I know for me, when I am feeling low about myself, instead of turning to God, who is my strength, I can tend to seek that feeling of belonging from my significant other. Not only can they not fill that up in your life, but I find they pull away because you are seeking too much of them. I have noticed many girls who seek for their boyfriend to fill those intimate needs they have. It always turns out that the guy senses it and he pulls away. Think about it from your perspective – have you ever had someone in your life who was trying to make you fill their void? If you are interested in reading more about cravings for intimacy or belonging, take our free online study or read our article about sexual and emotional healing.
Well, with my boyfriend, I feel as I’m too needy. I do give him space, but sometimes I feel as if I kiss/touch him too much. Before june, we were perfect. But I have noticed I have gotten alittle obsessive. I’ve been dealing with lots of emotional stress, so am I being clingy because I am, or emotional reasons?
Cora, One thing I would encourage you to think about would be asking him if he actually has the time, space, and emotional strength to be in a relationship right now. I know that you miss the closeness that you used to have, that’s totally understandable. It might be that so close after his divorce he simply does not have anything to give. He may be totally empty and needs to heal. That’s also understandable, however if that’s the case, he needs to be honest with you and end the relationship, rather than string you along with the idea of a temporary time apart. If he is not spending time with you, if you are always the one doing all the work it could be that there is only one of you in this relationship right now. As much as it hurts, I think it would be easier to not be together now and try being together again in a few months when he has himself back together. As you said, it’s hard to be in this but not in it the way you were before and you’re right, moving forward it will be hard to ignore the hurt that you’re feeling right now. Two months is a lot of space. I do not doubt that he has some major stuff to work through right now. Divorce is always incredibly hard, but you need to ask yourself how long you are willing to wait and whether or not either of you are benefitting from this relationship in its current state.
He started off as type 1 in his marriage. His wife was the one needing space and he always felt neglected. He separated from his wife and we flourished as a type 2 couple together. We both were open and honest. It was healthy communication. During his separation he had a lot on his mind and was stressed and I noticed he started wanting to close off emotions and distancing himself from the world and from me. We slowly fell into being type 1 couple. I felt like I was trying hard to comfort him and be there for him and he would slip further into his ways of closing off. I began to feel neglected but I tried to be patient and understanding. He felt pressured with what to do with his marriage and how to bring it to a close on amicable terms with his wife. He said he needed space and we needed to cool things down so he could focus on what to do and how to do it. I was devastated because I felt like one day we were so in love and the next day it was like it was all a dream because he felt pressure from all angles to do the “right” thing. I agreed to him sorting things out for himself in his life and to the space and cooling things down between us. I felt hurt but at the same time wanted him to “fix” what needed to be fixed. We went on for 2 months of “space”. We went from seeing eachother every day to seeing eachother every other week. It hurt me because for the two months I feel like the person I knew is not there anymore. I felt like I was taking up all the emotional space while he was doing his thing. I expressed my pain and why. He said he needed me to support him on having space. It was hard(still is) to see him do things without me or not do things that he used to for me. I have a hard time deciphering whether or not he indeed did live me when we first started out. I guess I feel mixed because I have experienced a great loss of “love”. He says I should know that he cares for me and I should know how he feels about me. In my heart I DO but it doesn’t take away from the fact that my heart aches from so much love to what feels like almost nothing. A few weeks ago his wife finally served divorce papers. I have a better tolerance for him having space to fix things in his life now that I am able to see that he actually has some things to take care of versus him just needing space. I still feel the hurt of not hanging out like we used to but I try even harder to think about him and what he needs to take care of. I did talk to him and told him that regardless if he has a lot to take care of that he cannot close his emotions or neglect me or expect me to assume he cares for me. I told him eventually my patience will run thin if he doesn’t reassure me verbally that he has feelings for me. I told him that I get he needs space but that if he still cares for me that we need to acknowledge one another and out feeling dot eachother in order to stay on top of things. We need to build and maintain a strong foundation while he does his fixing so that when we do get together unrestricted thins will be ready to flourish easily. I told him if we continue on this path of closed emotions that I would have a lot of resentment towards him and in the future when we do have a chance of being together I wouldn’t even want to be with him. I stressed he needed to try and open up with me. I guess I need to stop being emotionally needy. I need to try to do things for myself and with others to take my mind off of him needing his space. It’s hard. Today he went to hang with his friends. Immediately I felt hurt becase 2 months ago we’d be hanging out instead. But I gathered myself and decided to take a positve look at it. I was happy he was able to get out and hang with his friends. It’s good for him to have fun and not think about the divorce. He needs to take his mind off of it and relax. Hanging with his friends was a good idea. I should do the same too. I don’t know where we will be in a month or in a year. I just hope he does get his life together and that he keeps his word of trying to be open with me. I want to be strong, compassionate, understanding, and patient for him, for us, for myself. I pray everyday that things work out for us soon. I know praying and asking God for strength and guidance fills me with comfort. Everyday is a struggle but it gets a little easier every day. I just hope that the space we have now doesn’t break us apart. I firmly believe quality time, heart to heart talks, and sharing life and laughter are vital in a relationship. We shared all of that while he was separated. I hope we can regain it back soon. We both know things may be a bit tarnished between us when and if it’s meant for us to get back together full time. I pray that during this interim in our relationship that we BOTH remain positive and keep faith and hope that out time together will come soon. Praying helps me get through the rough times. I am glad I have God to turn to in my time of sadness and uncertainty. I send prayers for the man I love as well so that he may find peace, clarity, balance, courage, faith, and happiness in life, in himself, in me, and in US. Please pray for me…….please pray for US.
Hi Noris, Has the relationship changed your life for the better or worse? Why is it taking all of your energy?
This may not be a setting that you are comfortable sharing personal things. You can connect with one of our online mentors at powertochange.com/experience/talk-to-a-mentor.
am in a relationship that has changed ma life but i feel its taking all of my energy.pliz help
Hi Lana,
I can tell this has really been hard on you. It is never an easy thing to have a relationship taken away when you are still very much in love with the other person. There is no easy way to heal from that. For me, knowing that God has a plan for my life and being able to trust his promise, “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28) has put those losses into a different perspective and helped me to deal more effectively with them.
It is really hard for anyone, including yourself, to understand the motivations of your boyfriend. There is a myriad of reasons why he has done the things that he has done. Any opinion that I or anyone else has will be a guess. As in all relationships, the most effective way of discovering why someone has done something is to talk with them about it. Honest, open communication is so important in any relationship, even in one that been broken. I think it is entirely appropriate for you to go to him and explain the way you are feeling about the loss of the relationship (not in a desperate, begging “Please take me back” kind of way but in way that says “I was not ready to end this relationship and I am really feeling the loss of not having you in my life.”) Let him know that some of the things he has done have sent confusing messages and that you would like to clarify. Tell him you would like to be clear on his intentions so that you can know how to respond.
You haven’t shared the reasons that he gave for the breakup but I would be cautious of a man that said he wanted to break up but then changed his mind. That kind of instability will be a very hard thing for you to deal with in a long-term relationship. Granted there may be other circumstances that would explain that happening but be careful: the way that this man carries himself in this kind of an emotionally charged situation will tell you a lot about his character and help you determine if he is really the kind of guy you want to be with.
Let me say again, having the leading and comfort of Jesus Christ in your life can make a huge difference in a situation like this. I don’t know if you are already a follower of Jesus or not but either way I would invite you to talk with one of our online mentors about how Jesus can help you in this situation. You can connect with one by filling out a Mentor Request Form here.
Let me pray for you; Lord God my heart is heavy for Lana. She is going through a very difficult time right now and is feeling lost about what to do. She needs Your help and Your comfort. Show Yourself to her and in that interaction give her a confidence in Your unfailing love and leading. Give her honest words to say to this young man and guard her from making decisions that will cause her greater hurt in the future. Thank You that we can come to You with all of our concerns in life and that You listen and act on our behalf. You are so good in all that You do. Amen.
Hi,
I really need help on this one.
My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago today and I’m finding it so hard…
I haven’t spoken to him or seen him and I miss him like crazy.
The other night though, I posted this song from (final fantasy viii) a video game he showed me when we were together…
the song’s title is actually my name so I decided to post it to facebook cause i was thinking of him.
That same night I logged on and noticed he posted a song from the same video game (final fantasy x) as well.
His song, however was an orchestra with strings, piano and the whole sha-bang, very climatic.
Where mine was just a guy playing the song on a piano.
As well, he really made it clear when he broke up with me it was over.
I have a few things that are still at his place and he told me to not come around and get them because he would bring them over.
He hasn’t brought them over and it’s been making me think and hope that he doesn’t want to let go.
Do you have any idea what the song post was or why he hasn’t brought my things back?
I’m fighting the urge to call and contact him but I don’t know how much longer I can go.
I miss him with everything and I am still so in love with him.
I want him and I to be together again. Please help.
I’m trying to not hold on to false hope if it is.
I’ve just been thinking since he was really firm on his decision… but he hasn’t given me my things…
Could this mean anything?
I am a husband who use d to take a lot of emotional space because I am a very dramatic person, and was in a lot of depression. When my wife who is a great wife communicate how annoyed she was about it. The Lord worked in my life to take on more responsibilities in my life instead of being critical with her and demanding all the attention. God can work in someone’s life when you pray for them and I believe my wife prayed for help and God heard her. I contribute more to the relationship now instead of being a burden. It is my desire that you will be helped when you read this.
Thanks Shelley and Dorris, well it didnt work out with the BF surprise surprise.
I am getting to know me more and more through this and i know i am after someone that is more me
It sounds to me LK like your boyfriend doesn’t respect your needs, either for space in this situation or for time with friends without him. that’s never a good foundation for a relationship because respect is really key to making it work in the long run.
All of us need some space to think and meditate.
My mom when things got to much for her she told me that she went behind our pool with a chair and a book and just sit still. It is okay to have space in a realtioship. I live alone and when my week has been busy I meditate on God, read, soak in prayer either alone or with a friend and just let loose.
I am in a type 1 also but i am the other person that takes up less space. I just require space to do the things i want to, not see my BF everyday which I think is okay but he doesnt think so. A few days ago he did something that made me think I cant be with him anymore and i said i cant be around him and i dont want to talk to him i want space, he continued to call me.
He then gave me space for a little under a day before calling me and telling me that me wanting space is b.s, we should be able to see eachother and talk about it. But i just cannot be around him after what he did, knowing what it would do to me. I think we are just too different sometimes, I am someone who wants to do a bit of everything, see friends sometimes and see him other times but he has to come everytime i see my friends, can different people make it or does it not work out because you dont want the same thing
I fall under Type 1 relationship. I have been with my GF for a bit over two years and suddenly, she wants to breakup and have her space after a nasty yelling match. I know at times that I can be somewhat controlling and she at times can be controlling as well. We both have been single for so long (4-5years each)and she thinks that it’s the reason why I’m like this. I am an emotional wreck at this point in the “wanting space element” and I do not know what to do. I thought about staying in touch and she on the other hand thinks that she has more important things to do right now such as painting her house, ect. How much time is enough space and when should I know that it’s going too far? help me please. OR
I think I fit into the “Type 1″ category. I have been with my girlfriend for over a year now and have lived with her nearly just as long. Moving in together seemed like the logical thing to do when she could no longer afford to live on her own. It was either this or try and manage a semi long distance relationship (some twenty five or so miles in between in which I have a car and she doesn’t.) I often find myself reflecting on the first months of the relationship where we were having a great time getting to know each other, how we were inseparable. Now, a simple task as driving me to work can be a hassle. I’m constantly feeling as if I can’t be my usual witty/sarcastic self (a trait that she feels is me treating her like “just any other friend”.) I truly do love her and I know I do because I think of her needs before mine. But I have this feeling that she doesn’t appreciate what I’ve done for her or what anyone else has done for her in that regard. Did we jump the gun on the L-word? Should I swallow my pride and let her do things on her own, no matter how uncomfortable it may be for her, or should I break and be the bigger person and not let disagreements/arguments get in the way of our relationship?
Thanks for the advice. It sounds like she does want to build trust and so do I. Havn’t heard from her, other than a few texts last weekend, and haven’t seen her in two weeks. But with my understanding of what I’m dealing with, I refuse to give in and contact her. She needs to reach out to me. Normally I’d be the one to contact her, but I’m wanting to wait this out to see how long it’s going to take for her to want to be with me. I’m feeling like she’s to busy now to care how I’m doing. This probably is just me being a little ticked-off, but I’m trying my hardest to not be the type 1. A few women have told me that she’s just being stuborn. Is this true? What does the stubornness mean? Well, it looks like we’re playing a little game here and I don’t really like it. The longer it goes on, the less I’m feeling appriciated. I’m dying to talk to her to which most women would say “well then just call her”….yes, but, that defeats the whole purpose of what I’m trying to do here: make her want to be with me. I’d hate to learn she’s just letting this relationship go flat so she can move on, but I don’t know what to do. I’m busy myself, but on the weekends or during the day, it’d be nice to get a text from her from time to time. She’s kinda got things just the way she wants it….trying to figure things out here. She doesn’t seem to be the same since our little tiff a few months ago and I may be learning that she is not very forgiving, but wants to punish. I’m doing everything I can to try and make right my wrong (I didn’t cheat or do anything unfaithful…nothing like that). I am fine if things one day do not work out…but I’d hate for things to end on these terms which is why I want things to cycle back up again. But after two weeks a few emails and texts, with no contact on the weekend, I’m just going to refuse to contact her….see how long it takes her. What am I looking for here? I know this is the right approach, but what’s going through her mind? Is she going cold on me? Is she scard? What’s up? I welcome any input/advice.
Hi JB
I think you are on the right path, it sounds like your girl friend is trying to regain trust, and being patient and giving her what she needs is the mature and healthy thing to do. You can still be part of a relationship and still have things going on in your life that fulfill you. Also, I commend you for stepping up and apologizing and recognizing your mistakes. It takes a big man to do that. I just recommend that you keep working on things that make you better and you will be building trust at the same time.
I am a serious Type #1 and want to regain some of the power for the my relationship with my GF to be ballanced. We’ve been together 2.5 years and for much of that time I had the upper hand/most of the power. Recently the relationship went through a big tiff. When I say “tiff” I mean almost break up level misunderstandings. She is from Japan and I’m from the US and cultural differnces have been part of the source of missunderstandings. But this last one (about two months ago) was my fault. I haven’t been reading her right and have been somewhat selfish too. Since I have been reading her wrong and had the wrong expectations of what really was the case, I reacted in the wrong way when I addresed the situation. It caused her the close up. It was after this that I realized how I’ve been misreading the whole thing. I’ve since then apologized and made tons of changes. Not for her, but these were changes that I’ve been avoiding makeing for myself. I get the drift she’s wanting to give the relationship some time to see if the changes are for real, which, is totally reasonable from my view. But in the mean time, I can’t get upset when she’s not affectionate like we used to be. I just need to chill out and give it some space. Right now she has all the power and I didnt’ even realize I was giving it to her. She is very busy too. I need to do the same. She is only a focal point in my life, not the center of it. But I believe I’m starting to get the right perspective and need to just chill out and go about my business and see what happens. Do I have the right approach about this? It’s caused me to lose sleep and any advice would certainly be helpful. Thanks in advance.
RJ,
Have you considered telling your girlfriend what you need regarding space? That’s what my BF did. It was hard to hear, but I have improved a lot on finding other ways to meet my emotional needs (therapy, journaling, calling friends, getting through it alone at times, etc.). If you tell her what your needs are, maybe she can be more conscientious about bringing all the drama to you. Does she have other outlets? Make it clear that you love her and want to make it work, and that it’s not break up space you need but just time to grow as an individual. I think it was hard for me at first but once I realized how excited he was to see me after space, I appreciated it much more. I think communication is key for most things in relationships, esp. getting the space you need. If you two like to read and discuss, here are some books/articles that helped us: Men are From Mars/Women Are from Venus, general articles about relationships (there are some great ones on space – just google), and twoofus.org. Hope this helps.
RJ,
Have you considered telling your girlfriend what you need regarding space? That’s what my BF did. It was hard to hear, but I have improved a lot on finding other ways to meet my emotional needs (therapy, journaling, calling friends, getting through it alone at times, etc.). If you tell her what your needs are, maybe she can be more conscientious about bringing all the drama to you. Does she have other outlets? Make it clear that you love her and want to make it work, and that it’s not break up space you need but just time to grow as an individual. I think it was hard for me at first but once I realized how excited he was to see me after space, I appreciated it much more. I think communication is key for most things in relationships, esp. getting the space you need. If you two like to read and discuss, here are some books/articles that helped us: Men are From Mars/Women Are from Venus, general articles about relationships (there are some great ones on space – just google), and twoofus.org. Hope this helps.
thanks, interesting article. I find myself currently in a type 1 relationship, however, I am not the person taking up most of the “emotional space”. That is not to say I don’t care about the relationship… I love my girlfriend and would do anything to make it work. But just as you describe, I feel “unhappy because [I] can’t get a break from the drama”, and am starting to feel smothered. Any help for the other person in the Type 1 relationship?
Thank you for the post. I pray it will be helpful in my relationship. Craig, I am going through a similar situation. My significant other requires so much more personal space than I do. I try to be understanding, then after a few days I think how much personal space does a person really need? It is hard for me to return after he takes space, and I often start to resent him by the end of it. Is there a way I can respect his space and still be happy to receive him when he returns, instead of it creating anger and more problems? I think we both have work to do in reducing the amount of emotional space we take up, but I am probably more to blame than he is. Hopefully this will help our relationship. I really love him and I don’t want to lose him so I’m willing to work on it. Have you considered counseling? I am looking into it myself as a way to alleviate some of the stress I may cause my BF. I hope things work out for the two of you as well. I’m also open to suggestions.
Thank you for the above article. I have been involved in a steady relationship for ten years, and overnight my girlfriend has withdrawn from wanting to make love, however requesting for un-emotional connection.
Obviously I have been struggling with my self esteem and have not been allowing the requested space to take place.
The more I try the less I achieve.
Please assist with suggestions on how to achieve self discipline to be able to grant her the required space.