Comments on: Space in a Relationship http://powertochange.com Mon, 04 Jun 2012 18:19:01 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: <span class='mentorBadge' title='Jamie is an official Power to Change mentor.' >Jamie</span> http://powertochange.com/sex-love/space/comment-page-1/#comment-1387321 Jamie Mon, 21 May 2012 21:22:08 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=5435#comment-1387321 I am so sorry for your loss Crys. The death of a parent can be a real life-changer. What kind of support have you received through your grieving process? I don't know where you live but if you look at www.GriefShare.org you may be able to find a GriefShare group that meets in your area. I have gone through the 13 weeks of GriefShare a number of times and it is so helpful to understand grieving better. The meetings consist of watching videos that have experts sharing insight into the different aspects of grieving, a work book that allows you to journal your own personal experiences and a discussion time where you can interact with other people who are grieving as well. One thing I have learned in that even though no one follows the same path there are insights that we learn from each other that help each of us. It is so good to be among a bunch of people who sincerely care about my pain and are willing to listen and encourage me. You may find that if you take the time to focus on your grief that the changes that have happened to you emotionally may just reverse themselves. I appreciate that you are taking responsibility for your part in the arguing. Have you talked to him about that? Have you talked about how he can help you in the moment of anger? The more that the two of you can talk these things through before an argument starts the better prepared you will be to interact in a way that is healthy for both of you. If he knows that you are struggling with anger due to your mother's death he will be less likely to take your outburst personally. If you have talked with him and agreed on a phrase that he can say in that moment which will be a reminder for you to stop and check to why you are reacting like this the both of you will feel like you are working together. In my marriage the biggest factor that helps us is our relationship with Jesus. He lived such a great example of how to really love people and He helps me to follow that example in all of my relationships. When I feel my temperature start to rise I say a quick prayer asking that He help me to see the situation through His eyes and to keep me from losing my cool. Right away I can sense His guiding hand in my life and I don't get so riled up about things. If you want to find out more about how Jesus can make a difference in your life check out http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose. I am so sorry for your loss Crys. The death of a parent can be a real life-changer. What kind of support have you received through your grieving process? I don’t know where you live but if you look at http://www.GriefShare.org you may be able to find a GriefShare group that meets in your area. I have gone through the 13 weeks of GriefShare a number of times and it is so helpful to understand grieving better. The meetings consist of watching videos that have experts sharing insight into the different aspects of grieving, a work book that allows you to journal your own personal experiences and a discussion time where you can interact with other people who are grieving as well. One thing I have learned in that even though no one follows the same path there are insights that we learn from each other that help each of us. It is so good to be among a bunch of people who sincerely care about my pain and are willing to listen and encourage me. You may find that if you take the time to focus on your grief that the changes that have happened to you emotionally may just reverse themselves.

I appreciate that you are taking responsibility for your part in the arguing. Have you talked to him about that? Have you talked about how he can help you in the moment of anger? The more that the two of you can talk these things through before an argument starts the better prepared you will be to interact in a way that is healthy for both of you. If he knows that you are struggling with anger due to your mother’s death he will be less likely to take your outburst personally. If you have talked with him and agreed on a phrase that he can say in that moment which will be a reminder for you to stop and check to why you are reacting like this the both of you will feel like you are working together.

In my marriage the biggest factor that helps us is our relationship with Jesus. He lived such a great example of how to really love people and He helps me to follow that example in all of my relationships. When I feel my temperature start to rise I say a quick prayer asking that He help me to see the situation through His eyes and to keep me from losing my cool. Right away I can sense His guiding hand in my life and I don’t get so riled up about things. If you want to find out more about how Jesus can make a difference in your life check out http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose.

]]> By: Crys http://powertochange.com/sex-love/space/comment-page-1/#comment-1335835 Crys Fri, 11 May 2012 13:25:18 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=5435#comment-1335835 I am in an extreme type one relationship & I am the one who is taking up the emotional space. This is not something that is natural for me or my character. I have never been this emotional or needy or desperate for anyone's attention the way I am in this relationship, ever. This comes because I am grieving a mother I lost 10 months ago. When it comes to my relationship we have been through a lot of rough patched because of this. Our arguments become explosive and they are about nothing. Most if not all of the time the arguments are started by me. Something so small can become so big in my world now a days. I had a big problem with anger that is slowly subsiding and becoming a lot better now than it was in my beginning months. Now the problem is we argue a lot. Almost daily. Then we'll spend days apart bc we're arguing and come together and do it again. Sometimes we have really good weeks or a week where we don't and we're so in love and then I'll get right back into my cycle of arguing with him about something. He says I'm complaining and I say I'm just telling him how I feel or the things I don't like about the relationship. His reply is that everything cnt be perfect and everything doesn't need to be acknowledged. He also says I never allow him to fix an issue when I come to him with them. When he does acknowledge my feelings like I ask him to do & he says okay, I hear you, I'll do better all I do is keep beating a dead horse which then turns into us having a bigger fight and me asking if he wants to break up which he hasnt ever said he wanted to do. It's only been me. When things get too hard or when I know what a complete jerk ive been to him with my constant arguing, and role reversal of being the victim. He feels I am not happy with anything although he tries and I just wnt to have a better relationship with the love of my life cause had it not been for him I wouldnt have made any improvements in the grieving department. I don't act this way with anyone else and I wanna no longer be this way because it's hurting him and it's hurting me as well. I don't know how to stop but I need to! For the sake of me and the woman/girlfriend I know how to be and for our relationship. What can I do? I am in an extreme type one relationship & I am the one who is taking up the emotional space. This is not something that is natural for me or my character. I have never been this emotional or needy or desperate for anyone’s attention the way I am in this relationship, ever. This comes because I am grieving a mother I lost 10 months ago. When it comes to my relationship we have been through a lot of rough patched because of this. Our arguments become explosive and they are about nothing. Most if not all of the time the arguments are started by me. Something so small can become so big in my world now a days. I had a big problem with anger that is slowly subsiding and becoming a lot better now than it was in my beginning months. Now the problem is we argue a lot. Almost daily. Then we’ll spend days apart bc we’re arguing and come together and do it again. Sometimes we have really good weeks or a week where we don’t and we’re so in love and then I’ll get right back into my cycle of arguing with him about something. He says I’m complaining and I say I’m just telling him how I feel or the things I don’t like about the relationship. His reply is that everything cnt be perfect and everything doesn’t need to be acknowledged. He also says I never allow him to fix an issue when I come to him with them. When he does acknowledge my feelings like I ask him to do & he says okay, I hear you, I’ll do better all I do is keep beating a dead horse which then turns into us having a bigger fight and me asking if he wants to break up which he hasnt ever said he wanted to do. It’s only been me. When things get too hard or when I know what a complete jerk ive been to him with my constant arguing, and role reversal of being the victim. He feels I am not happy with anything although he tries and I just wnt to have a better relationship with the love of my life cause had it not been for him I wouldnt have made any improvements in the grieving department. I don’t act this way with anyone else and I wanna no longer be this way because it’s hurting him and it’s hurting me as well. I don’t know how to stop but I need to! For the sake of me and the woman/girlfriend I know how to be and for our relationship. What can I do?

]]> By: <span class='mentorBadge' title='Claire Colvin is an official Power to Change mentor.' >Claire Colvin</span> http://powertochange.com/sex-love/space/comment-page-1/#comment-835722 Claire Colvin Wed, 21 Mar 2012 17:25:53 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=5435#comment-835722 Cristal, You ask an excellent question: it is ever ok to stay in a relationship where there has been infidelity? Yes, it can be, but here's the but (and you know a "but" was coming) it's foolish to think that the relationship will just go back to the way it was on its own. It's going to need some repair work. I think that restoration is totally possible, but it doesn't just happen. You have to be very intentional about it. Think of it like a broken arm - the arm can heal and be strong again but only if it's set properly. It's like that in a relationship that has suffered a trauma like infidelity, especially one where there's a child involved. The first question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you can handle him having this child in his life. He is tied to this child, and by extension the baby's mother, for life. What you need to figure out is whether or not you can deal with that. You can't compromise on a baby. You're either in or out. Once you've figured out where you stand on that, pretty much everything else in the relationship CAN be negotiated. I would strongly urge you to see a counsellor together to help you work through the complicated emotions you both must be feeling. Trust can be rebuilt and a counsellor will be able to give you specific tools to help you both do just that. Most likely you'll find that you need to reset your relationship a little. That doesn't mean that you break up, it means that you go back to an earlier phase of the relationship and rebuild back up to the place you are now. If you go back to our broken arm analogy - you wouldn't expect to be able to lift a heavy bag of groceries on arm that is two days out of a cast. You have to rebuild that strength. The same is true here. He needs to prove to you that you can trust him with little things before he can ask you to trust him with big things (even if, especially if, you had attained a very high level of trust before the infidelity). Having said that, don't completely discount your parent's opinion. Remember, they love you and they want the very best for you. Help them to see that if you do decide to pursue this you're not doing it blindly or going ahead with it only because it sounds like it's easier than being alone. As for how to gauge whether or not the relationship is worth staying in? How contrite is he? Is he serious about doing whatever it takes to rebuild the relationship? Do you feel like he understands how deeply you've been hurt? How does he behave now? Is he overly flirty with other women or is he more careful? Is he open to telling you what he's been up to or where he has been? (Often when there has been infidelity there's a period of time where the one who cheated is completely transparent with the other willing to be checked in on at any time until their new behaviour has proven that they have changed.) When you picture a future that includes both this man and his child, what does it feel like? Is there any chance that he wants to be with the mother of his child? Only you will know for sure whether or not to go ahead with this. It's not impossible, but it is hard work so the question is a) is he willing to do the hard work with you? and b) is the relationship worth it? Only you (and he) can answer that. Does his behaviour before all this happened suggest that he'll be a strong partner in the future? Was this a one time thing or are there other things he didn't tell you about until much later? One question I would ask him if he were my boyfriend is, "Why didn't you tell me when it happened? Why didn't you tell me as soon as you knew she was pregnant?" If he was thinking he might not ever have to tell you, that would be a red flag for me. Love alone is not enough of a reason. You can love someone and not be able to be with them. Which hurts down to the bone but does get easier with time. If you love him and he loves you and you're both willing to work together towards a common future then yes, it's possible. You just need to figure out what you want and whether or not what has happened is compatible with that. Cristal, You ask an excellent question: it is ever ok to stay in a relationship where there has been infidelity? Yes, it can be, but here’s the but (and you know a “but” was coming) it’s foolish to think that the relationship will just go back to the way it was on its own. It’s going to need some repair work.

I think that restoration is totally possible, but it doesn’t just happen. You have to be very intentional about it. Think of it like a broken arm – the arm can heal and be strong again but only if it’s set properly. It’s like that in a relationship that has suffered a trauma like infidelity, especially one where there’s a child involved.

The first question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you can handle him having this child in his life. He is tied to this child, and by extension the baby’s mother, for life. What you need to figure out is whether or not you can deal with that. You can’t compromise on a baby. You’re either in or out. Once you’ve figured out where you stand on that, pretty much everything else in the relationship CAN be negotiated.

I would strongly urge you to see a counsellor together to help you work through the complicated emotions you both must be feeling. Trust can be rebuilt and a counsellor will be able to give you specific tools to help you both do just that. Most likely you’ll find that you need to reset your relationship a little. That doesn’t mean that you break up, it means that you go back to an earlier phase of the relationship and rebuild back up to the place you are now. If you go back to our broken arm analogy – you wouldn’t expect to be able to lift a heavy bag of groceries on arm that is two days out of a cast. You have to rebuild that strength. The same is true here. He needs to prove to you that you can trust him with little things before he can ask you to trust him with big things (even if, especially if, you had attained a very high level of trust before the infidelity).

Having said that, don’t completely discount your parent’s opinion. Remember, they love you and they want the very best for you. Help them to see that if you do decide to pursue this you’re not doing it blindly or going ahead with it only because it sounds like it’s easier than being alone.

As for how to gauge whether or not the relationship is worth staying in? How contrite is he? Is he serious about doing whatever it takes to rebuild the relationship? Do you feel like he understands how deeply you’ve been hurt? How does he behave now? Is he overly flirty with other women or is he more careful? Is he open to telling you what he’s been up to or where he has been? (Often when there has been infidelity there’s a period of time where the one who cheated is completely transparent with the other willing to be checked in on at any time until their new behaviour has proven that they have changed.) When you picture a future that includes both this man and his child, what does it feel like? Is there any chance that he wants to be with the mother of his child?

Only you will know for sure whether or not to go ahead with this. It’s not impossible, but it is hard work so the question is a) is he willing to do the hard work with you? and b) is the relationship worth it? Only you (and he) can answer that. Does his behaviour before all this happened suggest that he’ll be a strong partner in the future? Was this a one time thing or are there other things he didn’t tell you about until much later? One question I would ask him if he were my boyfriend is, “Why didn’t you tell me when it happened? Why didn’t you tell me as soon as you knew she was pregnant?” If he was thinking he might not ever have to tell you, that would be a red flag for me.

Love alone is not enough of a reason. You can love someone and not be able to be with them. Which hurts down to the bone but does get easier with time. If you love him and he loves you and you’re both willing to work together towards a common future then yes, it’s possible. You just need to figure out what you want and whether or not what has happened is compatible with that.

]]> By: Cristal http://powertochange.com/sex-love/space/comment-page-1/#comment-828993 Cristal Tue, 20 Mar 2012 19:45:20 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=5435#comment-828993 Hi, I have a very difficult and heart breaking problem that I am dealing with. I have been with my boyfriend for over two years but last year when i went away to school and came back, I received some very disturbing news. He had cheated on me when he had gone away to school the previous year and a baby was the product of his infidelity. Understandably my parents do not want me to continue the relationship with him but maybe stupidly I did in fact stay in the relationship. However, things have never been the same since. The dynamic of our relationship has changed so much and he has made it clear or has said to me that he regrets what he did and wants to be with me. I have lost all trust and I never realized before how difficult it is to get that trust back...until now. I really do not know what to do. I do love him but I feel embarassed and hurt by everything. What should I do? Is it ever ok to stay in relationship that has been through a tribulation like this? What should I use to guage whether its worth staying or not? Please offer me some guidance. Hi, I have a very difficult and heart breaking problem that I am dealing with. I have been with my boyfriend for over two years but last year when i went away to school and came back, I received some very disturbing news. He had cheated on me when he had gone away to school the previous year and a baby was the product of his infidelity.
Understandably my parents do not want me to continue the relationship with him but maybe stupidly I did in fact stay in the relationship. However, things have never been the same since. The dynamic of our relationship has changed so much and he has made it clear or has said to me that he regrets what he did and wants to be with me. I have lost all trust and I never realized before how difficult it is to get that trust back…until now.
I really do not know what to do. I do love him but I feel embarassed and hurt by everything. What should I do? Is it ever ok to stay in relationship that has been through a tribulation like this? What should I use to guage whether its worth staying or not? Please offer me some guidance.

]]> By: <span class='mentorBadge' title='Andrew is an official Power to Change mentor.' >Andrew</span> http://powertochange.com/sex-love/space/comment-page-1/#comment-818620 Andrew Mon, 19 Mar 2012 19:15:30 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=5435#comment-818620 @Curt The question that I would ask myself is did God want this woman for me? You are hoping she will change your mind and my friend nothing you do in your life will change how she feels about you. You may dream about her all you wish but what you thought you had was not there. Yes people can forget about you as it has happened to me often the only thing that as a Christian we can do is thank God the prevented us from marrying someone that God did not wish for us to be married to. Then ask him to bring the right woman into your life and Christ will. God Bless, @Curt
The question that I would ask myself is did God want this woman for me? You are hoping she will change your mind and my friend nothing you do in your life will change how she feels about you. You may dream about her all you wish but what you thought you had was not there. Yes people can forget about you as it has happened to me often the only thing that as a Christian we can do is thank God the prevented us from marrying someone that God did not wish for us to be married to. Then ask him to bring the right woman into your life and Christ will.

God Bless,

]]> By: Curt http://powertochange.com/sex-love/space/comment-page-1/#comment-765278 Curt Sat, 10 Mar 2012 00:56:25 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=5435#comment-765278 @Jaime: Hey Jaime - no the quotes were not to me but I just look at some of the stuff she says on twitter and I get confused. She wanted me to become more independent for myself. I just accepted a job today teaching - something I wanted to do - I posted it on twitter and facebook. I was hoping that she would see these things and see I am becoming a strong independent person. I don't think she even cares or thinks about me anyways. I have grown closer to God and if God wants this to work he will let it. If not well then I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Can you just forget somebody that you looked at rings with, talked of marriage with, and shared good memories with? @Jaime: Hey Jaime – no the quotes were not to me but I just look at some of the stuff she says on twitter and I get confused. She wanted me to become more independent for myself. I just accepted a job today teaching – something I wanted to do – I posted it on twitter and facebook. I was hoping that she would see these things and see I am becoming a strong independent person. I don’t think she even cares or thinks about me anyways.

I have grown closer to God and if God wants this to work he will let it. If not well then I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

Can you just forget somebody that you looked at rings with, talked of marriage with, and shared good memories with?

]]> By: <span class='mentorBadge' title='Jamie is an official Power to Change mentor.' >Jamie</span> http://powertochange.com/sex-love/space/comment-page-1/#comment-765125 Jamie Fri, 09 Mar 2012 23:52:58 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=5435#comment-765125 Hey Curt, did she tweet these to you or about you? Are they from the same tweet? The Hebrews passage is talking about why we hold strong to our trust in Jesus even in the middle of difficult times. It is not because of what we get out of life here on Earth as much as it is the hope of the reward that we will receive when we come into the presence of Jesus for eternity. The people the author was writing to were being treated very harshly for their faith in Jesus and the author was encouraging them to endure those difficulties because the joy they will have in heaven far surpasses any pain and suffering they experience here on Earth. So our faith is not in what we have here on Earth but the hope that waits for us in heaven. The quote seems to be referring to the fact that so many people are held back by low expectations. If everyone expects that a young man is always going to be a screw up because he keeps on making poor choices, often those expectations become self-fulfilling prophecies. But if that young man comes into relationship with a person who sees the potential that he has and treats him with respect and holds the bar high for that young man, the young man can be inspired to reach for something greater than what he is right now. I am not sure what the connection there is between these two quotes though. What do you think? Hey Curt, did she tweet these to you or about you? Are they from the same tweet?

The Hebrews passage is talking about why we hold strong to our trust in Jesus even in the middle of difficult times. It is not because of what we get out of life here on Earth as much as it is the hope of the reward that we will receive when we come into the presence of Jesus for eternity. The people the author was writing to were being treated very harshly for their faith in Jesus and the author was encouraging them to endure those difficulties because the joy they will have in heaven far surpasses any pain and suffering they experience here on Earth. So our faith is not in what we have here on Earth but the hope that waits for us in heaven.

The quote seems to be referring to the fact that so many people are held back by low expectations. If everyone expects that a young man is always going to be a screw up because he keeps on making poor choices, often those expectations become self-fulfilling prophecies. But if that young man comes into relationship with a person who sees the potential that he has and treats him with respect and holds the bar high for that young man, the young man can be inspired to reach for something greater than what he is right now.

I am not sure what the connection there is between these two quotes though. What do you think?

]]> By: Curt http://powertochange.com/sex-love/space/comment-page-1/#comment-738395 Curt Fri, 02 Mar 2012 19:20:18 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=5435#comment-738395 Would someone tell me what they think this verse means and this quote? Hebrews 11:1 - Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. "Treat a man as he is, and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he could be, and he will become what he should be." My gf and I broke up over a month ago and I recently saw these tweets the other day. She broke up with me out of nowhere really and she was confused about everything. She seems to be doing fine now though. Its like she doesn't care from what I see I guess. I have grown closer to God and I hope that I can find some closure or he could give me something some day. She said that she lost feelings and left it at that basically. Can someone please comment on this please. Would someone tell me what they think this verse means and this quote?

Hebrews 11:1 – Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

“Treat a man as he is, and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he could be, and he will become what he should be.”

My gf and I broke up over a month ago and I recently saw these tweets the other day. She broke up with me out of nowhere really and she was confused about everything. She seems to be doing fine now though. Its like she doesn’t care from what I see I guess. I have grown closer to God and I hope that I can find some closure or he could give me something some day. She said that she lost feelings and left it at that basically.

Can someone please comment on this please.

]]> By: <span class='mentorBadge' title='Andrew is an official Power to Change mentor.' >Andrew</span> http://powertochange.com/sex-love/space/comment-page-1/#comment-724243 Andrew Tue, 28 Feb 2012 21:29:27 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=5435#comment-724243 @ Curt, I am sorry to hear about your break up and I understand that it must be extremely confusing for you. When God created me he blessed me with ADD and during my life I have felt that most people do not understand why I do things a certain way and don't understand why it is extremely difficult for me to trust others. One of the blessings as well as curses of ADD is that I have the ability to instantly cut out a person from my life who I feel is a threat to me. I will erase every aspect from that person in my life and once that trust is broken it will never return. For myself I think and view things at a different level then most people as God has blessed me with this ability. God has blessed me with discernment and your former girlfriend might have seen things in your life that made her feel uneasy and did not want to hurt your feelings so in order to avoid conflict she decided to leave even though it was by text she did not wish to become emotionally involved anymore. Don't pressure her to find out why she felt this way as she will just clam up and will never speak to you again if you try to find out why. I know it must be very difficult for you to understand but people like myself never fully trust people 100 % until a person has proven themselves to be trust worthy. Their is no middle ground either we trust or we don't and when we get to the point where we don't trust we eliminate the person from our minds and move on. The danger is when we do trust we trust 100 % and are decisions are often pure emotional and not logical no matter what the gender is. We still have memories of the person but the very nature of ADD is that we tend to forget the past. I have had extremely difficult time becoming involved in a relationship as a result. I was married many years ago but even though the divorce was necessary to free me I made things worse by not fully trusting and living in Gods word. I have a much closer relationship with Christ and am able to have relationships with other people that allow me to to share Christ with them. The danger for me is always not to protect myself too much and isolate myself as often we do. First don't blame yourself as trust me being married to someone with ADD definitely complicates things as marriage in itself is a challenge and you add ADD into the mix then your in for quite the ride! It takes a very patient, kind heart, and discerning person to be married to someone like myself with ADD. I am sure you did your best and deep down she appreciated your efforts but often in life people like myself don't even know ourselves why we do things till God reveals it to us. Secondly ask Christ through the Holy Spirit to break whatever feelings and bonds you have with her as if you did have sexual relations then ask the Holy Spirit to break the physical bond. He will break the tie that you with her as you have not let go and are still holding onto the feelings trust me she will never be the way she was with you before you broke up. Third and most important earnestly seek Christ and read, study and mediate on his word as often we place our happiness, hopes, and trust on the opposite sex only to have it come crashing down around us. Pray with others in a small group and focus on becoming a spirit filled Christian then God will replace the feelings with his love and you will be joyful and then when your heart is ready God will send you the right woman. My last relationship I tried desperately for her to love me but the harder I tried the bigger the road blocks God put in front of me. In the bible their is a story where a prophet is walking his donkey down a path as the prophet was so focused on where he was going that when an angel blocked his path and the donkey stopped the prophet beat the donkey into submission. The donkey then continued to walk until a little further down the path the donkey once again stopped because the angel was blocking the path and the prophet once again beat the donkey again into submission so hard that the donkey kept on walking. When they were walking down a path with rock walls on both side so they had to walk single file and the donkey was forced once again to stop because their was an angel that was blocking his path for the third time1 During the beating of the donkey the prophet looked up and saw the angel standing and blocking the path! We are often like the prophet we are in a desperate hurry to get married or have a girlfriend that when God blocks the path because it is the wrong person we tend to beat the donkey so to speak to force the relationship. We try hard just like the prophet did until we look up and see that Christ has his angel protecting us from doing something we should not do. It is much better to seek Christ ask his blessings and he will show us if the person is the right one as we see the present and he sees the future a Christ filled relationship is better than a self filled relationship. God Bless. @ Curt,
I am sorry to hear about your break up and I understand that it must be extremely confusing for you. When God created me he blessed me with ADD and during my life I have felt that most people do not understand why I do things a certain way and don’t understand why it is extremely difficult for me to trust others. One of the blessings as well as curses of ADD is that I have the ability to instantly cut out a person from my life who I feel is a threat to me. I will erase every aspect from that person in my life and once that trust is broken it will never return. For myself I think and view things at a different level then most people as God has blessed me with this ability. God has blessed me with discernment and your former girlfriend might have seen things in your life that made her feel uneasy and did not want to hurt your feelings so in order to avoid conflict she decided to leave even though it was by text she did not wish to become emotionally involved anymore. Don’t pressure her to find out why she felt this way as she will just clam up and will never speak to you again if you try to find out why.

I know it must be very difficult for you to understand but people like myself never fully trust people 100 % until a person has proven themselves to be trust worthy. Their is no middle ground either we trust or we don’t and when we get to the point where we don’t trust we eliminate the person from our minds and move on. The danger is when we do trust we trust 100 % and are decisions are often pure emotional and not logical no matter what the gender is. We still have memories of the person but the very nature of ADD is that we tend to forget the past.

I have had extremely difficult time becoming involved in a relationship as a result. I was married many years ago but even though the divorce was necessary to free me I made things worse by not fully trusting and living in Gods word. I have a much closer relationship with Christ and am able to have relationships with other people that allow me to to share Christ with them. The danger for me is always not to protect myself too much and isolate myself as often we do.

First don’t blame yourself as trust me being married to someone with ADD definitely complicates things as marriage in itself is a challenge and you add ADD into the mix then your in for quite the ride! It takes a very patient, kind heart, and discerning person to be married to someone like myself with ADD. I am sure you did your best and deep down she appreciated your efforts but often in life people like myself don’t even know ourselves why we do things till God reveals it to us.

Secondly ask Christ through the Holy Spirit to break whatever feelings and bonds you have with her as if you did have sexual relations then ask the Holy Spirit to break the physical bond. He will break the tie that you with her as you have not let go and are still holding onto the feelings trust me she will never be the way she was with you before you broke up.

Third and most important earnestly seek Christ and read, study and mediate on his word as often we place our happiness, hopes, and trust on the opposite sex only to have it come crashing down around us. Pray with others in a small group and focus on becoming a spirit filled Christian then God will replace the feelings with his love and you will be joyful and then when your heart is ready God will send you the right woman. My last relationship I tried desperately for her to love me but the harder I tried the bigger the road blocks God put in front of me.

In the bible their is a story where a prophet is walking his donkey down a path as the prophet was so focused on where he was going that when an angel blocked his path and the donkey stopped the prophet beat the donkey into submission. The donkey then continued to walk until a little further down the path the donkey once again stopped because the angel was blocking the path and the prophet once again beat the donkey again into submission so hard that the donkey kept on walking. When they were walking down a path with rock walls on both side so they had to walk single file and the donkey was forced once again to stop because their was an angel that was blocking his path for the third time1 During the beating of the donkey the prophet looked up and saw the angel standing and blocking the path! We are often like the prophet we are in a desperate hurry to get married or have a girlfriend that when God blocks the path because it is the wrong person we tend to beat the donkey so to speak to force the relationship. We try hard just like the prophet did until we look up and see that Christ has his angel protecting us from doing something we should not do. It is much better to seek Christ ask his blessings and he will show us if the person is the right one as we see the present and he sees the future a Christ filled relationship is better than a self filled relationship.
God Bless.

]]> By: Michelle http://powertochange.com/sex-love/space/comment-page-1/#comment-707842 Michelle Fri, 24 Feb 2012 23:13:27 +0000 http://thelife.com/?page_id=5435#comment-707842 @Curt - I had the same thing happen to me 3 years ago. I had been dating a guy for almost 2 years. One day he calls me up out of the blue and tells me that he lost feelings for me, and that it was over. I could not reason with him. I moved on, but two months later, he contacted me, and said that he wanted me back. He said that he was afraid of marriage so that’s why he broke up. He wanted me back after he had changed his mind. I, however, did not take him back. Although we had discussed it off and on, I had never pressured him to get married before our breakup, so the pressure he felt was all his own. I believe that your ex may be going through something similar. I do not think this has anything to do with you. You could be the best boyfriend on the planet, but until she learns to deal with her own issues (whatever those may be), she will continue to create situations like this for herself, no matter who the person is. You’re probably better off without her but I wouldn’t be surprised if she eventually came back to you. Unless she grows and changes, she could very well do the same thing to you again in 6 months or a year. If it’s not you….then it will most likely happen to someone else she dates. In my opinion, I suggest that you move on and find someone who can better match your emotional maturity…someone more comfortable with commitment. @Curt – I had the same thing happen to me 3 years ago. I had been dating a guy for almost 2 years. One day he calls me up out of the blue and tells me that he lost feelings for me, and that it was over. I could not reason with him. I moved on, but two months later, he contacted me, and said that he wanted me back. He said that he was afraid of marriage so that’s why he broke up. He wanted me back after he had changed his mind. I, however, did not take him back. Although we had discussed it off and on, I had never pressured him to get married before our breakup, so the pressure he felt was all his own. I believe that your ex may be going through something similar. I do not think this has anything to do with you. You could be the best boyfriend on the planet, but until she learns to deal with her own issues (whatever those may be), she will continue to create situations like this for herself, no matter who the person is. You’re probably better off without her but I wouldn’t be surprised if she eventually came back to you. Unless she grows and changes, she could very well do the same thing to you again in 6 months or a year. If it’s not you….then it will most likely happen to someone else she dates. In my opinion, I suggest that you move on and find someone who can better match your emotional maturity…someone more comfortable with commitment.

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