5 Levels of Communication
Misunderstanding leads to breakups
About one in two marriages ends in a divorce these days. We are all too familiar with the various problems that can lead to a breakup. Arguments can begin at sunrise and not stop until after sunset. This kind of fragile relationship is like a time bomb ready to explode at any time. Some couples may keep it all inside to avoid the confrontation, but that doesn’t make the relationship any healthier. Either way, it is a no-win situation. The romance and dreams these couples once built together vanish into obscurity.
Arguments are part of every marriage
Couples often fail to compromise simply due to selfishness. Each side asks the other to change. Differences in opinion frequently lead to quarrels. These “minor issues” are just part of your marriage. More serious problems arise from heated discussions that turned into intense arguments. The fact is that no two people are alike. You may have different backgrounds, perspectives, personalities, and professions.
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Guarding your marriage: Do a Life Lesson on love
Yes, you’ll still have your share of disagreements and arguments, but you need to handle them with wisdom. You have to realize it is not easy to mix well together for a lifetime. You’ll need plenty of love, faith and patience to start.
This way, your marriage won’t dry up and become routine. Communication is critical for a healthy marriage. Some people describe the ideal marriage as a two-way street. If you don’t have any arguments, or one side is always directing the traffic, you are riding on a one-way street without any communication. That’s not something to cheer about.
Establish a healthy communication technique
Maybe people have different views about the true meaning of the word “argument”. The husband and wife are two distinct bodies. Arguments are just part of life. What is important is how you handle those arguments. You’ll need to communicate with some skill.
Men and women are different, so oftentimes they “talk” but fail to “communicate”. That will just make matters worse. Couples need to find an effective method of communication. Communication is often the major player in holding a marriage together. Unfortunately, many couples lack this skill and desperately need to work on it.
Couples must learn to understand each other better and recognize and accept each others’ point of view. When you love but don’t fully appreciate each other you’ll be destined to have a rocky journey ahead. When couples are willing to talk about everything and step into each other’s shoes to look at problems, then that will be the starting point of an ideal marriage.
Communication is an art
Experts believe communication can be divided into five levels:
- Level of acquaintance
- Sharing of information
- Sharing of ideas
- Sharing of emotions
- Gut level sharing
Wives often want a husband who can just sit down and listen, someone who can completely appreciate her emotions and views (Level 5). Husbands typically want to reason, maybe even give a lecture (Level 3). In this kind of situation, the wives may sometimes feel that they are talking to a wall. Eventually, the wives may stop sharing many of their feelings and thoughts. Thus, it becomes necessary for couples to learn how to communicate effectively.
In addition, couples need to love and accept each other, learn to listen, and listen with undivided attention. Be proactive, objective, and pay attention for any signs your lover may give. Learn how to talk and praise your lover frequently. Don’t forget to use some humor at times. And most importantly, say everything to your lover with the love that comes straight from your heart.
Find out the cause of the confrontation and work it out
If you notice that confrontations are becoming more frequent, don’t underestimate the severity of it. Try to focus and find out the root of the problem. Resolve the differences in a timely manner and apologize to each other. Don’t delay. Whenever couples have confrontations, it is best to solve it as soon as possible.
Handling confrontations is an art like dance. Here are some steps you can take to master the dance of communication:
- Never use the silent treatment.
- Never use lies to cover up short comings.
- Don’t get in-laws or friends involved right away.
- Don’t be subjective in making any conclusions.
- Never jump into conclusions, communicate and talk it over.
- Discuss what actually happened, don’t judge.
- Find out all the facts rather than start guessing at the motives.
- Learn to understand each other, not to defeat each other.
- Use future and present tense talking, not past tense.
- Concentrate on the major problem, don’t divide attention by mixing in other minor problems.
- First take care of the problems that hurt feelings in the relationship, then take care the problems arising from just differences in opinions.
- Use “I feel” statements, don’t use “you are” statements.
Marriage is a lifelong journey. I wish the best to all the married couples out there. Be willing to make sacrifices for each other and keep an intimate relationship going. Let marriage regain the spark that once lit up your romantic world.
good article, something to think about for sure. me and my husband have been married for 25 years and it is stil also a challenged as bernard, its not alway easy but we do work it out with God’s help/
Thank you Serena for this blog post. I had not seen the levels of communication put so plainly before. I also liked, “First take care of the problems that hurt feelings in the relationship…” This is great way to bring the emotional level down.
I also have a blog where I write about marriage communication and other family issues. It is: letsthinkhealthy.com ( let’s think healthy.com)
Thank you again for this blog post. It was very insightful.
Thanks for stopping by yodel! And you are right…the 5 levels of communication are very helpful to understand in our relationships. We always have to work at our relationships and communication is definitely the key.
i agree to your suggest, how the 5 kinds of communication is very useful. you always pray to god , that god send you back your needs to your life
You know! My parents when they were alive argue a lot, but they still stuck it out until they both went home to be with there Saviour.
Am not married yet..but i think communication it the key to any kind of relationship..
We have been married for 23 years. I am not saying it was always easy. Some very hard times but we learned to look at the hard times as growing times. I have a very mature wife and so she was able to help me with my anger and how to share my emotions. But and this is the key…I went to her for help and also to outside professional help and most of all I went to God. I am trying to grow with my relationship with my wife, meaning, I keep growing in my personal life as well, I never stay stagnant. I actually hate being stagnant as a person. I want to grow. As you grow so will your communication with God which will affect your relationship with your wife. I wish it would be that easy!
Being a man and married for almost 4 years now, I’ve already experienced the negative effect of poor communication in marraige. Luckily my wife and I have realised that we need to work on this anc actually get some coaching. I’ve never thought of actual communication training…will look this up, thanks. Getting back to good communication is no easy task, becasue we are so used to shouting at one another, or most of the time completely ignoring one another. So one needs to be patient and give the process time. One of the most effective ways to communicate better with one’s partner is to work on and control your tone of voice. If you can remain calm and talk in a normal tone and not raise it, then I believe the battle for effective communciation is half way won. Communciation is key to a healthy relationship…Don’t be fooled…it is not eas, because this is somehting both you and your partner needs to work at daily.
Sometimes you are so right badeth, that people aren’t always totally honest and may say ‘I love you’ while at the same time already planning to go their own way.
Richa, I think you you are right, that with every relationship there do come disagreements and arguments but that’s where the different levels of relationship come into play. When we are committed in a relationship then we are willing to go level 4 and 5…sharing of emotions and gut level sharing so we can work through the disagreements and arguments.
i don’t believe that starting to the word i love you….. sometimes when your partner told you that words that’s the time he/she will say goodbye…
With every relationship come disagreements and arguments. No two individual will have the same point of view in all matters. It is important to resolve issues as quickly as possible. Resolution to problems can only be found if there is.. [Edited by website admin: Link removed. Thank you for your comments but we do not allow advertisements of personal websites.]
My problem is that I can’t find myself to have a long, good conversation with my husband without feeling heated up and angry. I have a lot to learn.
Some information can weaken the relationship than making it strong. Can i still share this information?
Do you fulfill each others greatest needs in the marriage? Research shows the 5 greatest needs of women are all different from the 5 top needs of men in marriage. If you can fullfill each others top 1 or 2 greatest needs in the marriage this will help with all other problems, including communication. FYI, communication is usually not even in the top 10 needs of most men!
I’ve been with this man for 5mths. Since our 1st date, he has called daily to talk & always said he loved me. His work moved him to another state temporarily, & he asked me to marry him. I agreed to think about it.
He still called at least once a day, until a couple wks ago, when he suddenly ceased all communication. A wk later when I finally located him, he blamed the sudden change on new meds from his dr that made him feel nothing, & working overtime. He wanted to work it out, but hasn’t changed this recent behavior. He still won’t talk to me. I don’t know what has happened, & have been begging God for fresh, honest communication.
Please pray for me, & for him. Thank you.
I have always had trouble with expressing my concerns and listening to my husband.after reading your blog it didn’t take me long to realize that I was doing the complete opposite of your five steps. my way of dealing with our disagreements only led to awkward moments and frustration for us afterwards. after taking your advice I used it right away and I feel more confident that our relationship is going in the right direction. thank you so much.
Plis need help, it is my assignment, wht are the merits and demerits of various level of communication?
thanks to all.
I realy like the site, it gives gud in4tion abt our communication skills
Hi! that’s a good suggestion and i all try implementing it. After all wisdom always wins over education.
[...] remain committed to them despite the bumps in the road, when we work at clear, loving and truthful communication and when we make time to rekindle the romance in the midst of the other demands of life. Our [...]
My husband and I dont communicate very well, in fact I just learned 1 month ago how unhappy he was in our marriage. my husband did everything for me bought me stuff, sent me flowers everything a woman wants, in the meantime i didnt repsond to him in a way of showing how appreciative I was of that. I was a very angry person, he is not, he smiles and takes everything all in. Well 1 month ago in one of our fights, he just blew up and said he is sick of this. It has been a month, he told me he feels like he needs to seperate for a while why he thinks things out.There is a whole bunch more to this, he has 3 children and i dont have any, we have been trying to conceive and doing fertitlity treatments for the past 4 years and nothing worked, He feels that, a baby is all i care about. His kids are all grown and he hardly sees them anymore, which hurts him too. I am trying to show him that I can change, he still calls me and comes over and says he loves me, but wants to live seperate for now.
prayer answers all things,its the only way to talk with GOD.pray for your husband always.pray for him more than you pray for yourself.
Sounds like he has fear of intamacy issues. I would suggest you see a counsellor.
Start with “I love you” and then say I feel like I said something that upset you. wold you like to tell meabout it? If he says yes…problem solved. If he says no then its on him for not talking with you. You did your part by recognizing that there is an issue, and offered to listen to what he had to say. Now its his turn.
I agree with all of your suggestions, but what if your spouse isn’t willing to communicate? Whenever I try to express my thoughts or opinions to my husband he just clams up or makes me feel very inferior. We’ve been married over 25 years and he has been communicating less and less with me. In fact, if he’s unhappy with something I said or did he’ll just leave the room and sometimes not talk to me for days. If I try and talk to him that just makes him clam up more. How do I get him to open up and communicate without degrading?