Do You Trust Him?

Written by Claire Colvin

It’s easy to fall in love with a man you don’t trust, but it’s hard to live with him.

Real, lasting relationships are built on trust. Trust is foundational because it creates a safe environment for intimacy to grow. If your relationship is going to work you need to be able to trust your partner with your past, your present and your future. Trust takes time and effort, is easily broken and hard to restore but if you’re willing to work at it, the reward is the relationship you’ve always dreamed of.

Revealing your true self

Trust allows you to reveal who you really are. In spite of all the tricks we use to try and impress someone during the early stages of dating, intimacy is founded on knowing and being known. Your partner has to get to know the real you – what you’re like when you’re tired, angry, frustrated, elated or talking to your Mom on the phone. He has to love you as you are, not as he hopes you might be. Anything less won’t last.

Have you seen or read Bridget Jones’s Diary? There’s one scene where Mark Darcy tells Bridget, “I like you Bridget ,just as you are.” She is floored. Why such a strong reaction to a simple comment? Because Mark is telling her that he really sees her and he likes what he sees. He didn’t say he’d like her ten pounds lighter, or a little more sophisticated, or prettier, or better read. He likes her as she is, unconditionally. She doesn’t have to try and impress him, he’s already impressed. Knowing that you are loved for who you are lets you relax and let your guard down. It lets you be honest without fear of rejection, and frankly, it feels great.

Honest communication

Trust opens the door to honest communication. You can’t communicate honestly if you’re always second-guessing how your partner will react and rephrasing your thoughts to fit in with his agenda. Communication takes concentration. In her article, “Why Can’t We Communicate?” Geri Forsberg , Ph.D., outlines the five steps to effective communication:

  1. Ask questions. Don’t assume you understand what a person means. Once you ask a few questions, it doesn’t take long to really find out what he really means.
  2. Listen. To become a better communicator, you must be willing to listen so you can understand the other person’s perspective.
  3. Observe and be willing to verify the information you receive.
  4. Let people know what you are thinking by sharing it. By disclosing information about yourself, it aids the other person in understanding who you are and how you are understanding them.
  5. Remember that love covers a multitude of sins. If your motives are wanting to understand people and accept them for who they are, then communication will be easier. But if you set out to convince them that your way is the right way, then that’s not communication. And that’s not love.

Fair fights

Once you’ve cleared up your communication, trusting your partner will help you to fight fair when disagreements occur. Face it, if you’re involved with a living, breathing human being you are going to fight. Whether the fights tear you apart or actually resolve conflicts and bring you closer together depends on whether or not you fight fair.

What is a fair fight? Most experts agree that fair fighting does the following:

  1. Stays on topic. Now is not the time to bring out a list of past wrongs. Deal with the issue at hand.
  2. Refuses to resort to name calling and insults. Remember that the point of the argument is solve something, not tear the other person to bits or badger them so they’ll quit and you’ll win. If you don’t respect your partner, or if they feel attacked, they’ll stop listening.
  3. Avoids generalizations and sticks to the facts. “You always” or ” you never” statements do not reflect reality and will only put your partner on the defensive. Stick to what actually happened and how it made you feel.

Building trust

Trust doesn’t just naturally happen between two people, even if they love each other. It takes work and if you’ve been hurt in the past, it can be especially difficult. Building trust takes time, you need to show your partner that you are trustworthy and that you trust them in return. If your partner has trouble trusting, you can do a lot to create an environment where trust can grow. Listen to your partner, respect him and his opinions, and accept him as he is. Reveal parts of your own history, show him that you trust him and you will help him to do the same. If you are vulnerable it helps your partner to feel that he is safe to be vulnerable as well.

Don’t rush it. If you truly love your partner and want what’s best for him, you’ll wait. If you’re in a relationship with someone you feel you can’t trust, don’t ignore it. If you have trouble trusting anyone, you might want to seek counseling before you run away from what could be a great relationship. Your past does affect your ability to trust. However, if trust hasn’t been a problem for you in the past and your gut is telling you to protect yourself from this guy, take it as a warning. Take a close look at who he is, how he treats others and how he treats you. Your gut may be giving you good information.

devo-interact-icon-42x42So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.

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106 Responses to “Do You Trust Him?”

  • Doris Beck Doris Beck says:

    Chriss,
    It sounds like there are a lot of trust issues in your relationship that you are definitely going to have to work through when he gets home.Unfortunately once trust is broken in a relationship it takes time and effort to build it up again. You will need to communicate, communicate, communicate….which will take time since you have been apart and have a little girl in your lives as well.

    May I also suggest that you might want to talk to one of our online mentors who can walk this journey with you. They are free and confidential. Just fill out the form on this page and someone will email you http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/

  • chriss says:

    I’m in a relationship that is not grounded.me and my boyfriend have a daughter together and it seems that the moment I got pregnant he stopped caring about our relationship.hes in college so majority of my pregnancy he was gone he came to visit from time to time but it was not enough I didn’t have anyone to be there for me and give me the love I needed.when our daughter was born he was around for 8 months but mentally he was gone I felt really alone.after the 8 months he left to go back to school and IV been taking care of our daughter by myself.3 months have passed and he’s getting ready to come home for good .i thought I would have been happy about this but instead I’m scared.for some reason I don’t feel safe in this relationship anymore I don’t feel like he loves me anymore,he tells me that he’s sorry for leaving me alone and when he comes back things will be better but I’m not to sure about that.im having a tough time trusting him and believing that he will change.i wish I felt safe but I don’t :(

  • Olami says:

    Dear Ruth such is life God will give u strong heart to take over the issue ,same thing happen to me when my girl friend travel to Egypt after some month she was snatch by other guy. Here I’am searching for real trust soul mate. Gonna appreciate if I found trust friend here . Whatsapp [it is our policy not to publish personal contact information]

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God.

    Lord I lift up nith me and pray that You will mend the broken hear ted and heal her in Jesus Mighty name Amen

  • ruth me says:

    I love my boyfriend but we are in distance relationship over 7month and I chosen only him to love,but he said that he did not trust me and I should not trust him. And he said him love me. Pls advice me I went to walk away.

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi AJ, You have to make a choice to trust him or not. It’s hard when you’ve been cheated on in the past but take a look at his behaviour. He was honest with you about this woman he was in a relationship with. He was honest with you and told you that she contacted him. He made a choice not to be in contact with her and he took steps to remove her from his life (he blocked on her Whatsapp). From what you’ve written here it sounds like he is acting in a trustworthy manner. Do you believe that he cares about you? Do you accept that you are worthy of love? Are you willing to risk trusting him for the reward of being with him?

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