Do You Trust Him?

Written by Claire Colvin

It’s easy to fall in love with a man you don’t trust, but it’s hard to live with him.

Real, lasting relationships are built on trust. Trust is foundational because it creates a safe environment for intimacy to grow. If your relationship is going to work you need to be able to trust your partner with your past, your present and your future. Trust takes time and effort, is easily broken and hard to restore but if you’re willing to work at it, the reward is the relationship you’ve always dreamed of.

Revealing your true self

Trust allows you to reveal who you really are. In spite of all the tricks we use to try and impress someone during the early stages of dating, intimacy is founded on knowing and being known. Your partner has to get to know the real you – what you’re like when you’re tired, angry, frustrated, elated or talking to your Mom on the phone. He has to love you as you are, not as he hopes you might be. Anything less won’t last.

Have you seen or read Bridget Jones’s Diary? There’s one scene where Mark Darcy tells Bridget, “I like you Bridget ,just as you are.” She is floored. Why such a strong reaction to a simple comment? Because Mark is telling her that he really sees her and he likes what he sees. He didn’t say he’d like her ten pounds lighter, or a little more sophisticated, or prettier, or better read. He likes her as she is, unconditionally. She doesn’t have to try and impress him, he’s already impressed. Knowing that you are loved for who you are lets you relax and let your guard down. It lets you be honest without fear of rejection, and frankly, it feels great.

Honest communication

Trust opens the door to honest communication. You can’t communicate honestly if you’re always second-guessing how your partner will react and rephrasing your thoughts to fit in with his agenda. Communication takes concentration. In her article, “Why Can’t We Communicate?” Geri Forsberg , Ph.D., outlines the five steps to effective communication:

  1. Ask questions. Don’t assume you understand what a person means. Once you ask a few questions, it doesn’t take long to really find out what he really means.
  2. Listen. To become a better communicator, you must be willing to listen so you can understand the other person’s perspective.
  3. Observe and be willing to verify the information you receive.
  4. Let people know what you are thinking by sharing it. By disclosing information about yourself, it aids the other person in understanding who you are and how you are understanding them.
  5. Remember that love covers a multitude of sins. If your motives are wanting to understand people and accept them for who they are, then communication will be easier. But if you set out to convince them that your way is the right way, then that’s not communication. And that’s not love.

Fair fights

Once you’ve cleared up your communication, trusting your partner will help you to fight fair when disagreements occur. Face it, if you’re involved with a living, breathing human being you are going to fight. Whether the fights tear you apart or actually resolve conflicts and bring you closer together depends on whether or not you fight fair.

What is a fair fight? Most experts agree that fair fighting does the following:

  1. Stays on topic. Now is not the time to bring out a list of past wrongs. Deal with the issue at hand.
  2. Refuses to resort to name calling and insults. Remember that the point of the argument is solve something, not tear the other person to bits or badger them so they’ll quit and you’ll win. If you don’t respect your partner, or if they feel attacked, they’ll stop listening.
  3. Avoids generalizations and sticks to the facts. “You always” or ” you never” statements do not reflect reality and will only put your partner on the defensive. Stick to what actually happened and how it made you feel.

Building trust

Trust doesn’t just naturally happen between two people, even if they love each other. It takes work and if you’ve been hurt in the past, it can be especially difficult. Building trust takes time, you need to show your partner that you are trustworthy and that you trust them in return. If your partner has trouble trusting, you can do a lot to create an environment where trust can grow. Listen to your partner, respect him and his opinions, and accept him as he is. Reveal parts of your own history, show him that you trust him and you will help him to do the same. If you are vulnerable it helps your partner to feel that he is safe to be vulnerable as well.

Don’t rush it. If you truly love your partner and want what’s best for him, you’ll wait. If you’re in a relationship with someone you feel you can’t trust, don’t ignore it. If you have trouble trusting anyone, you might want to seek counseling before you run away from what could be a great relationship. Your past does affect your ability to trust. However, if trust hasn’t been a problem for you in the past and your gut is telling you to protect yourself from this guy, take it as a warning. Take a close look at who he is, how he treats others and how he treats you. Your gut may be giving you good information.

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116 Responses to “Do You Trust Him?”

  • kezzy says:

    @Aldo: Thank you for taking the time to answer, I appreciate it.

  • Aldo says:

    Kezzy, Matt Slick of CARM.org writes in his column, “God’s intention of the genders is that those born males act like males and those born females act like females. But, in rare instances there are babies born with the sexual organs of both sexes. Why is this? First of all, sin is in the world; and it sometimes takes its tolls on our bodies resulting in various deformities. Nevertheless, in the case of hermaphroditism, the identity of the individual is still intended by God to be one or the other… In some cases, there are hermaphrodites who are distinctly male in appearance yet have female sexual organs. There are also those who appear decidedly feminine in physical appearance yet possess male sexual organs. Either way, the genetic dominance is the gender, and the person will manifest that dominance as he or she matures.”

    That being the case, I would guess that hermaphrodites can get married; the genetically dominant male to the genetically dominant female.

    Kezzy, genitals were not always considered private. After Adam and Eve sinned in the garden of Eden, they became aware of their nakedness, and were ashamed, and tried to cover those parts up.

    God, had made male and female different for the express purpose of comradeship, and for populating the earth. And it seems that Adam and Eve instinctively knew what to do with those parts.

    I hope this helps.

    Kezzy, I would suggest that you go to knowingjesuspersonally.com, and allow God to bless you.

  • kezzy says:

    I’m really curious but I’d like to know:
    1)Can Christian hermaphrodites/intersexuals get married?
    2)Why are the genitals considered private? What makes particular body parts sexual?
    3)Is it just a social construct or are certain body parts (biblically) considered sexual and private?

    Thanks for your answers. I didn’t know where to post these questions.

  • Susan says:

    AJ,

    How can you trust this guy also? How long you will go on with such relationships. I suggest, commit your life Jesus. Start a new/clean life. Focus on Jesus, get to know Him, talk to. God is a good God and he knows our needs. He is created us and He knows when /what we need and He give us at the right time. Trust Him AJ. Jesus loves you and He cares for you.

    I encourage you to log on to this link http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose/

    and if you have any questions please write to me.

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