Do You Trust Him?
It’s easy to fall in love with a man you don’t trust, but it’s hard to live with him.
Real, lasting relationships are built on trust. Trust is foundational because it creates a safe environment for intimacy to grow. If your relationship is going to work you need to be able to trust your partner with your past, your present and your future. Trust takes time and effort, is easily broken and hard to restore but if you’re willing to work at it, the reward is the relationship you’ve always dreamed of.
Revealing your true self
Trust allows you to reveal who you really are. In spite of all the tricks we use to try and impress someone during the early stages of dating, intimacy is founded on knowing and being known. Your partner has to get to know the real you – what you’re like when you’re tired, angry, frustrated, elated or talking to your Mom on the phone
Video: How can you affair-proof your marriage?
Guarding your marriage: Do a Life Lesson on love
Have you seen or read Bridget Jones’s Diary? There’s one scene where Mark Darcy tells Bridget “I like you, just as you are.” She is floored. Why such a strong reaction to a simple comment? Because Mark is telling her that he really sees her and he likes what he sees. He didn’t say he’d like her ten pounds lighter, or a little more sophisticated, or prettier, or better read. He likes her as she is, unconditionally. She doesn’t have to try and impress him, he’s already impressed. Knowing that you are loved for who you are lets you relax and let your guard down. It lets you be honest without fear of rejection, and frankly, it feels great.
Honest communication
Trust opens the door to honest communication. You can’t communicate honestly if you’re always second-guessing how your partner will react and rephrasing your thoughts to fit in with his agenda. Communication takes concentration. In her article, “Why Can’t We Communicate?” Geri Forsberg , Ph.D., outlines the five steps to effective communication:
- Ask questions. Don’t assume you understand what a person means. Once you ask a few questions, it doesn’t take long to really find out what he really means.
- Listen. To become a better communicator, you must be willing to listen so you can understand the other person’s perspective.
- Observe and be willing to verify the information you receive.
- Let people know what you are thinking by sharing it. By disclosing information about yourself, it aids the other person in understanding who you are and how you are understanding them.
- Remember that love covers a multitude of sins. If your motives are wanting to understand people and accept them for who they are, then communication will be easier. But if you set out to convince them that your way is the right way, then that’s not communication. And that’s not love.
Fair fights
Once you’ve cleared up your communication, trusting your partner will help you to fight fair when disagreements occur. Face it, if you’re involved with a living, breathing human being you are going to fight. Whether the fights tear you apart or actually resolve conflicts and bring you closer together depends on whether or not you fight fair.
What is a fair fight? Most experts agree that fair fighting does the following:
- Stays on topic. Now is not the time to bring out a list of past wrongs. Deal with the issue at hand.
- Refuses to resort to name calling and insults. Remember that the point of the argument is solve something, not tear the other person to bits or badger them so they’ll quit and you’ll win. If you don’t respect your partner, or if they feel attacked, they’ll stop listening.
- Avoids generalizations and sticks to the facts. “You always” or ” you never” statements do not reflect reality and will only put your partner on the defensive. Stick to what actually happened and how it made you feel.
Building trust
Trust doesn’t just naturally happen between two people, even if they love each other. It takes work and if you’ve been hurt in the past, it can be especially difficult. Building trust takes time, you need to show your partner that you are trustworthy and that you trust them in return. If your partner has trouble trusting, you can do a lot to create an environment where trust can grow. Listen to your partner, respect him and his opinions, and accept him as he is. Reveal parts of your own history, show him that you trust him and you will help him to do the same. If you are vulnerable it helps your partner to feel that he is safe to be vulnerable as well.
Don’t rush it. If you truly love your partner and want what’s best for him, you’ll wait. If you’re in a relationship with someone you feel you can’t trust, don’t ignore it. If you have trouble trusting anyone, you might want to seek counseling before you run away from what could be a great relationship. Your past does affect your ability to trust. However, if trust hasn’t been a problem for you in the past and your gut is telling you to protect yourself from this guy, take it as a warning. Take a close look at who he is, how he treats others and how he treats you. Your gut may be giving you good information.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
Uncertain, I can understand why you’d have some questions about this. It sounds like you were in open/not monogamous relationship when he spent time with this other woman so I would imagine that from his perspective it wasn’t cheating because the two of you had not promised to be exclusive, but I can understand how it would feel like a betrayal from your perspective. You need to talk to him. Find a time win you are both calm and well rested and have some private, uninterrupted time and tell him how you feel. Ask him if the relationship continued past the point where you became an exclusive couple and go from there. If you don’t talk to him you’re going to treat him as if he cheated and he’s not going to understand why.
It’s going to be hard to sort this out in your head, but if you agreed to an open relationship then he has done nothing wrong in sleeping with someone else. That’s probably going to feel wrong, and there’s a good reason for that. Sex is supposed to bond people together. That’s part of the purpose of it on a biological level. We’re told that we’re supposed to be okay with casual sex, but sex was never meant to be casual. Running into an old friend at the grocery store and chatting, that’s casual. Taking off your clothes and inviting someone into your body is always intimate, whether or not you have an established relationship with that person.
So what happens now?
You really need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel but also be prepared to listen. Try to remember that you said this was okay. That doesn’t mean that you can’t change your mind – it sounds like you are not okay with it now – but it does mean that you can’t be angry with him for doing something that you said was okay. You need to talk about the future and how you’d like things to be going forward. You need to ask him if he’s been with this girl since you became exclusive.
You asked how to begin, which is an excellent question. Begin by confessing your own feelings. Tell him that you feel bad because you’ve held your feelings back from him and that you haven’t been honest. Tell him how much you love him and how you want to talk about this because you know it’s not fair for you to be thinking these things and not give him a chance to respond. If you start with what you’ve done wrong you won’t put him on the defensive right away. It will remind him that you are in this thing together. From there you can move into asking him about his behaviour. If you don’t address this situation it will poison your relationship.
I would also urge you to take a close look at your own attitudes toward sex. It sounds like you expected to be okay with casual sex but have found that in practice, casual sex hurts. Sex was never meant to be a throwaway experience. It’s supposed to be part of a very long term relationship, a marriage. It’s a pretty common idea these days to think that sex can be just for fun, but the reality is often quite different. Take a look at this article and see if it resonates for you.
I am in a relationship and I’m struggling with trust issues. I have never experienced this before, but like many people I do have my own insecurities and failings, one of which is I have a very hard time bringing up issues with people I care about that address my dissapointment or unhappiness with the relationship. It’s basically a fear of abandonment or rejection.
In the case of my boyfriend and I there that have occurred that I left unsaid. For example when we first began dating we were dating other people, and that was a known. As our relationship deepened it occurred during a time when he moved away and I suggested we keep seeing other people. But our feelings were growing deeper. Normally he would say things like “Bobby’s coming to visit”, but I knew when he’d say “a friend” he meant a female friend. This could have been purely platonic (I do believe that’s possible) or it could have been intimate. But it felt to me like it became a code and I never challenged it or brought it up. During this time there was one particular “friend” who visited him and he avoided pronouns and saying her name. But I knew who it was. I should have said something then – cleared it and created the pattern for how we could talk about these things. But I didn’t. Within 3 days of her visit she posted photos to his Facebook site. So I thought “ok – now we can talk about it” and then he removed them within the hour. And I think that hurt more than anything ever. I literally felt like my heart was breaking. I had come to believe they were lovers already and I was working on how to process that, and it hurt a tiny bit. But nothing hurt like what seemed to be his attempt to cover it up. And we were still in an open phase. I hurt deeply and never told him. In part because I felt like I hadn’t been honest in the beginning and secondly because I was so hurt and angry I was afraid I’d say some pretty awful things in self defense. So I shut up and shut down.
2 months later he returned to our hometown and I’d healed a bit, and we resumed dating – this time monogomously, but I never brought up the topic. He has remained friends with that woman and he now talks about her more openly with me, but I have never met her. It’s been 10 months now and I still don’t trust him. Small things make me suspicious and angry. I don’t think he knows the connection, but as our relationship progresses I’m stupidly holding on to something I need to address and I don’t know how.
I love him – the him I know, the one he let’s me see. But because of that instance I don’t know if I fully know him and I don’t know if we are fully on the same page.
How can I begin this conversation?
Taroko, I am so sorry that you are going through this but it sounds like you have made the right decision in moving out. You have made your expectations very clear and time and again he has not done what he said he would do. You asked, “Did he consider his right to drink over our relationship?” To a certain extent, yes. He knew that he was putting the relationship in danger if he continued to drink and he did it anyway. Which probably means one of two things, either 1. He didn’t think you’d really leave and so it was safe to drink or 2. He is addicted to alcohol and the addiction made the decision for him.
I think that for the time being you have to stay away. If you come back while he’s still drinking he has no reason to change his behaviour even though he is a danger to himself, and potentially to others. If he is ready and willing to change there are programs that can help him get control of his life back. Until he does that I think you’re going to find him very hard to live with. He is going to keep breaking your trust until he addresses his problem with alcohol.
So what do you do next? I think you need to talk to him and be very, very clear. Tell him that you love him but that you cannot live with him while he’s drinking. Tell him that you know he’s tried to change on his own but that it hasn’t worked, and him telling you that he’s going to try again is not enough any more. Let him know that if he’s willing to take his drinking seriously and get help then you’ll stand by him while he does the work to get sober (although you won’t be able to live with him during this time). Make sure he understands that it’s a choice between you and the drinking, he can’t have both. What kind of future could you build if he’s going to keep doing this?
Trust is so important. I am in a position, my boyfriend was probably a functioning alcoholic/binge drinker/alcohol abuser when I met him. I had nearly ended at the first few months when I began to realise. He was never voilent or emotionally abusive, just in denial i think. Then one night he was out after work until rhe earl hours and suffered a traumatic brain injury at the hands of another. We don’t really know what happened that night and he doesn’t remember. I stayed with him, I tried to help his recovery, it was a struggle for me and for him. But there was no length i wouldnt go to try and help. He promises never to drink again etc. He recovered well thankfully. A few months after I discovered one day returning home early from work, he was drunk in the living room in the middle of the day. I put my foot down and left. After much pleading and promises, I came back. He promises to keep to National health guidelines, but that didn’t always happen. He could stay alcohol free for long periods of time, but very so often he’d fly off again. Not often just a few times. I believe he is trying. Then the other night, he goes out to meet a friend and dissappears until morning. He said he missed the last train home, if wasnt his fault and to save money he waited until morning and his phone ran out of batteries. Suffice to say I can’t not trust him. He considers drinking as a right, that it is socially required. I don’t mind a drink or two with friends in a social setting… I can understand that. But that was it for me. I moved out. He is pleading with me again. The trust is completely gone. I love him and we had hopes and dreams together. I can’t understand why when you love someone do you do things break the trust? Did he consider his right to drink over our relationship? We had tried to build trust in the interim between slip ups. But each time it is broken. I am at a loss about what to do next. Can someone please help me with some perspective?
Hanya, I think you know what the logical thing to do it you’re just having a hard time with actually doing it. If I’m reading your comment correctly, your boyfriend has cheated on you the entire time you’ve been together. Why would you want to be with someone who cannot be faithful to you? You said that the relationship is very painful, I can only imagine how painful it must be. I know that you have been with him for a year, and it could be that you love him (you didn’t mention that in your comment) but I think you need to decide what you want and what you’re willing to put up with. Fidelity is a very core need for the vast majority of people. I have seen couples who are able to put an affair behind them, but from what you’ve written this one has gone on so long I’m not sure what you would be holding on to if you did save it.
You asked if all men are the same? No, they’re not. You said that it feels like your boyfriend does not care about your feelings – that is exactly the opposite of what a relationship is supposed to be like. A partner – whether that’s a boyfriend or a husband – is supposed to be there to support you, just as you are supposed to support him. He’s supposed to be on your side, to have your back. It’s supposed to be better together. It sounds like you find yourself in a very unhealthy relationship. What to do is your decision, but if I found myself in your situation I would end the relationship. I know that it’s scary to think of being alone, but I promise that it’s better than being in a relationship that just isn’t working. You sound so unhappy. You’re not married, you can walk away. That’s part of what dating is supposed to do – it’s there to see if this is the relationship that can last forever. I think you’ve got your answer on this one. Maybe not you’re not quite ready to say it out loud yet, but I think that in your heart you already know that it’s time.
Hi,
I am in a relationship since 2 years approx. My boy friend had one girl friend before which I was aware of but still we started up when he said he is out of that affair now but just after around 1 year of our relationship I found that he is still in touch with her and she is nt aware of his affair with me as well, so tha situation was like 2 parallel affairs. I just thought to split as there was no good reason to continue the same. Then after several talks I decided to give him the chance to apologize. Need less to say this was very painful for me but stilll… Now, after 1 year I am still not able to trust him as he has that flirt element in his nature and sometimes he sounds very mysterious.Every moment I feel that insecurity in me for for him. I cant explain how painful this relationship has becomes for me. And also I don’t like few more things in him like saying sorry for a thing and repeating it again and again. He just thinks sorry is the word to heal all bloody pains in this world and just not care for my feelings . Is it because all men are same or what ? what should I do. ? I m really messed up ……………………….
Sasa, From what you’ve said here it sounds a bit like you are sabotaging your own relationship. You said that you broke up with him the first time because of this woman who kept commenting on his Facebook posts. My question is, was he commenting back? If he wasn’t, then you’ve punished him for something that he did not do. Your boyfriend is not responsible for another person’s thoughts, feelings or actions. This other person was making the comments, but unless he was constantly commenting back to her, he didn’t actually do anything. If it bothered you, and I can see why it would, a better course of action would have been to talk to him about the situation and ask him if this was a person that he still wanted to have in his life. Maybe her comments were bothering him just as much as they were bothering you?
You also mentioned breaking up with him because your friend said that he seemed annoyed with you. If that’s where you’ve set the bar for this relationship then I think you’re going to have a very hard time staying in it. I think that you have set an unrealistic expectation for this relationship. No one on the the planet is going to be able to be with you and never, ever be annoyed with you. We’re human. Spend enough time together and you’ll get annoyed. Spend enough time together and you’ll do something annoying. Great love doesn’t come from perfection. Great love happens when two people care about each other enough to take care of each other and to work through the bad things that are going to happen.
I can see from your comment that you’ve been hurt before and this hurt has made you cautious, maybe even a little suspicious. But I think that the bigger issue here is that you’ve developed a “one strike and you’re out” standard. In what you’ve said here you have not ever given your boyfriend a chance to explain, or even to apologize, you’ve just ended the relationship without so much as a conversation. What if you had gone to your boyfriend and simply asked, “Are you annoyed with me?” He might have told you that he was tired, he might have said yes and then apologized or he might have pointed out something that you did that hurt him and given you a chance to make things right. If you cut and run at the first sign of anything less than perfection it’s going to be a very very short relationship.
I think that you need to decide what it is that you want. If you want to be in a relationship (either with this guy or with someone else) then you’re going to have to give up some of this control that you’re clinging to so tightly. If you’re going to be together, you have to talk. Some of those conversations will be uncomfortable, but it will be a lot better than breaking up. You mentioned that it seems like your boyfriend doesn’t want to spend as much time with you. You’ve broken up with him twice already – maybe he thinks that you don’t want to spend much time with him and he’s trying to protect himself from what’s coming?
You said that you are “open to the possibilities of love” – are you really? You need to decide which is more important – the chance at love or doing everything you can to avoid being hurt. Love is a risk. To really be open to it you need to stop looking for the door and start focussing on the person you’re with. If this relationship is worth a shot, then give it a real chance. If it isn’t, then stop the break-up, make-up cycle and walk away.
Hello,
I am currently involved in a relationship that only began in January. I am having a hard time trusting him as I’ve been hurt lots of times. I am so insecure, I’ve noticed a lady on his FB that kept commenting or liking his post and in a drunken stooper I decided to break up with him accusing him of seeing her only to make up with him in the morning. He later said he doesnt like her. I have also broke up with him because one of my good friends said he seemed annoyed with me one day and I thought maybe he is and maybe it will not work so I broke up with him only to make up with a few days later. He is a very nice, sweet, cool and smart person. We are still getting to know each other so I dont know him that well as its only been a few months. I’ve noticed that the first month or so of the relationship he seemed to want to text me a lot more, and tell me how much he likes me and that he wants to see me but lately its more me who is doing these sweet things and it seems like he is just doing things to make me feel ok. We also hung out a lot more and things have winded down the last few weeks but we have still hung out together but only at his house or my house. He’s also not as interested in doing things outside the house as I am but he said he would when I asked him if we can have date night once a week. Yesterday he said made a comment about one my good girl friends interest and I thought to myself…”does he like her”, probably because its happened a few times to me in the past that a guy that I liked or was dating has had sex with a friend or family member or bought an expensive gift for my sister and just all sorts of reasons why I feel that maybe he could be interested in my friend now. This is tearing me up inside. We have a date tonight to go out for a friends party and I feel like I am going try really hard tonight to have fun with him but tomorrow I am planning on letting go without telling him. Also, we have met on a dating site and I have my profile hidden on the site but his is not hidden so I dont know if he is seeing anyone from there even though he said he only wants to see me. I like him a lot and I want to be open to the possibilities of love but I am not sure if what I am feeling is my intuition/gut or if its all insecurities; in other words if its the vibe I am getting or if its all in my head.
Sasa
Saddiqa,
You’re in a complicated situation. Has he asked you to marry him yet? If you are engaged and he wants to delay the wedding then I think you need to ask him why. Why does he want to wait? He may have an excellent reason or he may be wondering if he made the wrong choice. The only way to find out is to ask him.
If you are not promised to each other yet and he wants to delay it may be that he does not want to get married, or does not want to get married YET, then you need to ask yourself how long you are willing to wait. How long have the two of you been together? How old are you? These things will all factor in.
At the end of the day, you cannot force someone to marry you. Either he wants to marry you or he does not. Sometimes we say “Wait” when what we really mean is “I don’t know how to tell you that I don’t want to do this”. Talk to him. Ask him what he is thinking. Ask him if he sees himself getting married to you. It could be that he is under a lot of pressure right now and cannot think about getting married just yet. Or it could be that he has thought about it but is not ready to say his decision out loud. Talk to him. He’s the only one who knows what he is thinking. After he has told you what he wants, you need to figure out what it is that you want and whether or not those two things go together.
Plz help me to solve my problam … i love a boy so much and he loves me .He say to me that i love u … But delay the marriage . I m a poor girl .we are in the same university . He is so rich. I know that i m not able to him . what i do ….???? How i gain his trust very well …????
How i forget him …???
Stephanie, I think one of the hardest parts of rebuilding trust is the reality that you will have to take a risk and give him the chance to again hurt you. There is no way that he is going to have the chance to regain your trust if you don’t offer him that vulnerability. It starts small with accepting his words of apology and words of love. When he says, “I am sorry” you are going to have to trust that he really means it. When he says, “You are too important to me to lose” you are going to have to believe him. You are going to have to decide which words you are going to accept from him as true.
Actions are not as important as the heart behind them. He may give you access to passwords and communication tools but it is the heart behind it that will give you the real sense of his trustworthiness. That is hard to quantify and describe. It is going to look different for different people. I would look for actions that show that you are a priority in his life. What things does he give up to be able to be with you, to make you comfortable, and show how much he values you?
The thing that I have found is that no matter who I am in relationship with, they will let me down. If I base my commitment and openness to people based on their actions I will become a pretty lonely person taking very few risks. So instead I have chosen to anchor my security, acceptance and sense of worth in my relationship with Jesus. He will never let me down and He will never break trust with me. He is the one who tells me that I am worth sacrificing for because of His love for me. I am better equipped to handle the disappointments from other people because my relationship with Jesus is solid. If you want to find out more about having that kind of a relationship with Jesus have a look at http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose or talk to one of our online mentors at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
Trust is rebuilt by being completely transparent and honest. This includes being honest about any contact either directly or indirectly with the affair partner. Trust is rebuilt slowly and everytime there is honest communication even if the betrayed person will be hurt by hearing the truth it rebuilds trust. Only by having no secrets, only by being an open book, only by the cheating person giving up all passwords, communication with the affair partner and being transparent will trust be rebuilt
What actions prove your trustworthy? What concrete actions?
I know the obvious, such as being honest and open and building over time. But how do you rebuild trust that has been broken?
You all seemed very obsessed with things you can’t control. Truth is we all have secrets, all of you included, it’s human. If you want somebody to be honest with you I would ask myself If I am being as honest as I pretend others to be with me. Remember that love includes a big deal of acceptance. What you give for love is given for love, do not to expect anything in return. Leave jealousy behind, it will only hurt you. Believe me. If you marry somebody who is dishonest with others chances are that that person will be dishonest with you. Thats how it is.
Listen to Suspicious Minds By Elvis Presley, it’s a good take on this.
Good luck,
Trust in
I am very thankful that this article was helpful!
The one thing Ive learned if you are looking for something you better be ready to deal with it, plus and most importantly DO NOT TELL him your looking at things the just get better at hiding things from you. Thats a fact. True Im a woman who has been hurt badly by a man I give my 100% trust in and its hard to realize what a fool I was. And in order not to be fooled again I have to keep my guard up and protect myself. But honestly it hurts all the same. Im searching for a peace of mind… Good Luck to all.
This article is right on point. There are a lot of blog-writers out there who write about the “feelings” of love and trust and how to change and build a relationship without giving any real answers. Your step by step instructions are priceless. I absolutely love your thoughts on “fair fights”. Giving an answer to everyone’s questions in such detail is beyond helpful.
Thank you!
Debamita, I really believe trust is vital to a relationship, and especially one in which marriage is being considered. So is acceptance – that is, both partners being able to feel totally accepted for who they by the other. God accepts and loves us for who we are, and unless we feel we are loved and valued by our partners without condition, it is so difficult to open up and be honest. To get to this stage in a relationship takes time. Can you talk to your boyfriend openly, debamita, about your fears, your concerns, that he has not opened up to you? And if your parents’ consent and approval is of great importance to both of you, it is key to remember that you are looking at a life together, so taking the relationship slowly and getting to know one another on a deep, personal level, talking things through, and just taking time to have fun together and enjoy one another is so valuable. When we laugh together we often share so much that we do not share when we are in a serious mood, because we feel safer and not on edge.
Debamita, I pray that you and your boyfriend are able to spend some time both talking and laughing and sharing the joys of life with each other, and that you do take the time to get to know one another’s families, as family tends to be such a huge part of marriage. It sounds to me that both of you value the opinion of your respective families, and it would be well-worthwhile exploring what is keeping you from introducing your boyfriend from your parents, and vice versa. If you would like to talk to a mentor in a confidential manner, please feel free to contact one and someone will respond to you promptly and in a private manner. You can do so by clicking on the following link and filling out the brief contact form:
http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Our mentors are caring and willing to listen and walk with you through your life trials and joys. God bless you in your future, Debamita.
Hi,
I am in a relationship with a guy whom i had known for few years( both from same class in same school). He loves me but ,sometimes i think there are some secrets which he had not told me about his life(which makes me suspicious). I have told him evrything about me before he was there. Now the problem is that i want marriage. He had said he would marry me but he had not talked about me to his parents nor i have told to my parents( i am waiting for him to do it first). I dnt know whether they would agree or not or my parents would aprove it or not. Really very confused about the future. i dnt want to part with him.
Please advice.
dear carla– i do think men don’t always tell us women everything, we have been married over 20 years and i think my husband doesn’t tell me everything either, i do try to communicate to him everything, so you are not alone but if he is hiding stuff i agree with barb for counselling.
Dear Carla,
There is something wrong somewhere if he is hiding stuff from you & doesn’t want to talk about it (& especially the fact that he gets angry). Getting angry with you is to cause you to feel intimidated, or even guilty for not trusting him. This all points to “guilty” on his part, for one thing or another. To say that it makes him feel that you don’t trust him, what else would he expect it to do? Try telling him that you are just interested to know what (or who) interests him, because what wife wouldn’t be interested? If this continues, I would strongly suggest that you go together to a marriage counsellor or your pastor, if you trust that he is a godly man, & is available for that. This needs to be resolved, & should not be ignored!
You make some very good points Susan about the importance of trust and open communication in relationships. But what you said is also very true Karen, that we all go through difficulties and changes of moods which can easily be misinterpreted. The challenge is to continue to communicate through those times so that nothing is taken ‘read’ into a quiet or reflective mood that was never intended. The only way to find that out is to talk.
True love means being fully open, be given reassurance from the other half that there is nothing to worry about. But we all go through difficulties and change of moods which can be misinterpreted. There should be no secrets.
It is important to talk to your other half about your difficulties
Personally, I don’t think there should be any secrets between loving couples…Think about it, what kind of secret is “justifiable”, because not being able to reveal all of who we are to the one we love, means we cannot completely know them. I’m not saying that we should blurt out everything we think, but if you have a question for your spouse, or you want his opinion of your dress for example, then you should answer each other “tactfully”, but HONESTLY. And, be prepared for the whole truth–like it or not! If someone gets defensive when you question them about something, that should send up a flag…It doesn’t mean they are necessarily cheating, but it does mean that they feel vulnerable for some reason-whether its guilt from something they’re tempted about, or upset that you don’t trust them…Either way, they need to ease your concerns by comforting you, NOT, reacting in a way that creates MORE doubt (i.e. being defensive, etc). A loving spouse should be willing to ease your doubt, not contribute to it, even if they have done NOTHING wrong! What have they got to lose be simply being honest, exposing their emails or FB to you, IF—they have nothing to hide that is? And, they have your trust to gain, and you can grow together when you know you are being OPEN and HONEST to one another. Secrets from one another I don’t believe are EVER good, UNLESS they are for something “good”, that is soon to be revealed. (i.e. surprise birthday)..Otherwise, the lines of trust become muddled and you will always struggle with the truth and your belief in one another. And you cannot build upon a relationship without it…Talk to your spouse and tell him how you feel, and why. Tell him that you need him to be open and honest with you, and that you want to do the same so you both can believe in one another. If he truly cares, he should be willing to do whatever it takes to ease your doubts, for as long as it takes. That’s what a mature person–who truly loves you, does.
ive been married for 10 months must of the time he was away working overseas . and after we got married i only got to see him 3 times till now that we live together , im trying so hard to trust him but i have something inside that tells me he is been playing arround , i do feel like i need to trust him but stuff like me cheking hes facebook account or email he get all mad and says he doesnt like cause it makes him think i dont trust him , but at the same time it tells me why does he gets all defensive ?? id like some opinions please
I don’t have time to read through all these letters, but there are a few things I would like to impress upon women…First of all,if there is any “doubt”, then “DON’T”..If your significant other becomes angry or defensive when you ask questions tactfully, that is reason to “pause” and consider why he/she is acting this way. There is a “reason” they are hesitant or defensive. Either they are hiding something, or are extremely insecure, neither of which is healthy in a relationship. A trusting, and trustworthy person who truly loves you should be more than willing to prove they are trustworthy to you–relentlessly–even if they have done nothing to betray your trust. You should be willing to do the same.
Also, even men will tell you that they use lines like, “I’ve never felt like this with anyone else”, or “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone” just to get you where they want. Shouldn’t it upset you that men sometimes play with women’s minds to get what “they” want out of women? Women need to QUIT simply accepting these burned out manipulative words, and let a man’s actions speak much louder…Men in general, are weak when it comes to the temptations of women–but as women, we sometimes do not discourage their behavior when they act weak, acting as if we cannot do without them..and often exploting our “own” bodies when we should make men prove their commitment to us before they get a chance to even see them!!
Consider the fact that women often actually “believe” everything men “say” at times, simply because we want to, when really, we should simply believe what they DO!! He may need to earn your trust by his actions, before you can really believe all his words. Respect yourself enough to FIND SOMEONE ELSE if your partner refuses to see the importance of his actions. Actions really do speak louder than words..Words just help fill in the blanks.