Do You Trust Him?

Written by Claire Colvin

It’s easy to fall in love with a man you don’t trust, but it’s hard to live with him.

Real, lasting relationships are built on trust. Trust is foundational because it creates a safe environment for intimacy to grow. If your relationship is going to work you need to be able to trust your partner with your past, your present and your future. Trust takes time and effort, is easily broken and hard to restore but if you’re willing to work at it, the reward is the relationship you’ve always dreamed of.

Revealing your true self

Trust allows you to reveal who you really are. In spite of all the tricks we use to try and impress someone during the early stages of dating, intimacy is founded on knowing and being known. Your partner has to get to know the real you – what you’re like when you’re tired, angry, frustrated, elated or talking to your Mom on the phone

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. He has to love you as you are, not as he hopes you might be. Anything less won’t last.

Have you seen or read Bridget Jones’s Diary? There’s one scene where Mark Darcy tells Bridget, “I like you Bridget ,just as you are.” She is floored. Why such a strong reaction to a simple comment? Because Mark is telling her that he really sees her and he likes what he sees. He didn’t say he’d like her ten pounds lighter, or a little more sophisticated, or prettier, or better read. He likes her as she is, unconditionally. She doesn’t have to try and impress him, he’s already impressed. Knowing that you are loved for who you are lets you relax and let your guard down. It lets you be honest without fear of rejection, and frankly, it feels great.

Honest communication

Trust opens the door to honest communication. You can’t communicate honestly if you’re always second-guessing how your partner will react and rephrasing your thoughts to fit in with his agenda. Communication takes concentration. In her article, “Why Can’t We Communicate?” Geri Forsberg , Ph.D., outlines the five steps to effective communication:

  1. Ask questions. Don’t assume you understand what a person means. Once you ask a few questions, it doesn’t take long to really find out what he really means.
  2. Listen. To become a better communicator, you must be willing to listen so you can understand the other person’s perspective.
  3. Observe and be willing to verify the information you receive.
  4. Let people know what you are thinking by sharing it. By disclosing information about yourself, it aids the other person in understanding who you are and how you are understanding them.
  5. Remember that love covers a multitude of sins. If your motives are wanting to understand people and accept them for who they are, then communication will be easier. But if you set out to convince them that your way is the right way, then that’s not communication. And that’s not love.

Fair fights

Once you’ve cleared up your communication, trusting your partner will help you to fight fair when disagreements occur. Face it, if you’re involved with a living, breathing human being you are going to fight. Whether the fights tear you apart or actually resolve conflicts and bring you closer together depends on whether or not you fight fair.

What is a fair fight? Most experts agree that fair fighting does the following:

  1. Stays on topic. Now is not the time to bring out a list of past wrongs. Deal with the issue at hand.
  2. Refuses to resort to name calling and insults. Remember that the point of the argument is solve something, not tear the other person to bits or badger them so they’ll quit and you’ll win. If you don’t respect your partner, or if they feel attacked, they’ll stop listening.
  3. Avoids generalizations and sticks to the facts. “You always” or ” you never” statements do not reflect reality and will only put your partner on the defensive. Stick to what actually happened and how it made you feel.

Building trust

Trust doesn’t just naturally happen between two people, even if they love each other. It takes work and if you’ve been hurt in the past, it can be especially difficult. Building trust takes time, you need to show your partner that you are trustworthy and that you trust them in return. If your partner has trouble trusting, you can do a lot to create an environment where trust can grow. Listen to your partner, respect him and his opinions, and accept him as he is. Reveal parts of your own history, show him that you trust him and you will help him to do the same. If you are vulnerable it helps your partner to feel that he is safe to be vulnerable as well.

Don’t rush it. If you truly love your partner and want what’s best for him, you’ll wait. If you’re in a relationship with someone you feel you can’t trust, don’t ignore it. If you have trouble trusting anyone, you might want to seek counseling before you run away from what could be a great relationship. Your past does affect your ability to trust. However, if trust hasn’t been a problem for you in the past and your gut is telling you to protect yourself from this guy, take it as a warning. Take a close look at who he is, how he treats others and how he treats you. Your gut may be giving you good information.

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99 Responses to “Do You Trust Him?”

  • josefine says:

    I am confused about how to interpret my own fears… I have OCD and I did not realize how bad it was when my boyfriend and I started dating dating. We moved very fast, we love each other, but I hurt him because of my fears, I basically dumped him and accused him of disloyalty for no reason (seriously, first time was because I hadnt heard from him in 4 hours…. seriously, 4 hours and I freaked). We broke up, I went to a counselor, and we got back together with the condition I would not freak out again. well, I had fears nagging me now because I text him when I have a question or something comes up I want to tell him. He doesnt answer, and that would be something I would see red about, but he works a demanding job, and when he can contact me he always does, always apologizes if it has been a long time. What.s more, he takes care of me when we are together. He is so thoughtful and he pays for everything. I sometimes wish he would visit me more since we love far apart, but gas money doesnt cover even one meal he buys when I visit him. Plus, his hours lately have been crazy and he has spent time with me even when he was tired/stressed. I feel like I am overreacting aboutthese things, but am I ignoring valid fears? I think there are ways to deal with them without blowing it out of proportion.

  • Shelley Shelley says:

    Dear Father God.

    Lord I lift all who are struggling with arguments in there relationships in marriage. I pray that You will comfort the ones who are arguing and that it is not wrong to have a spat, as it is a matter of opinion. I pray that when an argument is happening that they have You oh Lord with them and that You will help them bring a healing too. In Jesus Mighty name amen

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Hi CJ, the best way to move forward in any relationship is to honestly talk about the things you are feeling. Building your relationship on honest communication is going to help you no matter how the relationship develops. Honest communication is not demanding that he feels the same as you but letting him see what is happening inside of you. It is also exploring and helping him to show you what is inside of him. If he is guarded get creative in the ways you show him that he is safe with you. Don’t put demands on him that he is not ready to commit to. That way if you discover that you are not able to commit to love you can still enjoy friendship based on honest communication.

  • CJ says:

    I’ve been dating him since July, so 6 mon. dating, and we hit it off right away. Im a single mom and my kids are with me 90 percent of the time. We spend a lot of time texting and maybe get together whenever our schedules make time. Every month there are periods of days that go by that he doesn’t text, or says he is stressed or doesn’t feel well. I am starting to think he shows signs of depression, especially with the holidays. I try to be understanding and not hurt by the non contact. Since I have been in a very bad divorce and all other relationships since I went in with a wall up to not get hurt, this time I let my guard down and have true feelings for him. Just seems I’m expecting more than what he is giving me attention wise. He says he misses me and seems like he doesn’t realize him not texting or calling does affect me. Guess I’m afraid I put my heart out there and get hurt. Is it time for me to take the chance because these feelings are so different than past relationships?

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Jeanna, If you’re not compatible with him and you feel that you have to mask, hide, or fake your feelings what are you getting out of this relationship? Relationships are supposed to be mutual. This is supposed to be the person who supports you, who gently tells you when there is a behaviour or habit that needs to change. He is supposed to be your encourager, your best friend and the person you can always rely on and you’re supposed to be all of those things to him. Where do you see this relationship going? Do you picture yourself pretending and hiding your true feelings for the rest of your life? Do you think you’re going to be able to keep that act up when things get really hard or stressful? What do you think might happen if he saw how you really feel?

    What is keeping you in this relationship? Are you married to him? Is there pressure from your family? Are you afraid of him? Are you embarrassed to be alone? Have you been intimate with him? It’s important to remember that for the most part we’re on our best behaviour during the dating phase of a relationship. If things never got better than they are right now, is this a life you would choose for yourself? If you would like to talk to someone privately, we have mentors available by email. You can use this form to request a mentor and you’ll hear back, usually within a couple of days.

    Do you have a faith background? If so, have you prayed about this? Is there someone in your church community that you could talk to about it? I know that it’s a hard situation that you are in and it may feel impossible to get out of, but there is hope for you. If you are unhappy in the relationship and you are not married, what’s keeping you there?

  • Jenna says:

    I’m in a relationship with a guy I don’t feel compatible with. I have to fake my emotions because he loves me. It makes me feel guilty so I always tell him what he wants to hear. In the beginning of the relationship he was controlling and people made me feel horrible by telling me to be thankful that he chose me when he could’ve chosen from many other women. Afterwards he started apologizing to me and tells me he regrets everything he did. But even though I forgive him for those times, I can’t forget them. He always tells me he loves me but I can never find the ability to say it back. People think I like him because of how I act fake and pretend I’m happy with him. I often wish that something would happen to me to get out of my relationship with him. But then I feel bad and say its not worth it. I’m not sure if ending it will soon become something I regret even though just the idea of it right now brings me happiness. I don’t know what to do sometimes.

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Gayle, This may sounds simplistic, but have you tried just asking him? What if you said something like, “We’ve been together for six months now and I feel like I’m really getting to know you. I’d love to meet your family. Do you think you’re ready for something like that?” See what he has to say. It could be that in his family tradition, meeting the family happens when you’re about to get engaged. It could be that he is nervous or perhaps he has strained a relationship with one of his family members. If you ask him he’ll know what you would like, and he’ll have a chance to respond.

  • Gayle says:

    Hi, I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend and we’re in our 6th month relationship now the main issue here is that until now he doesn’t take effort to introduce him to his family (btw, he’s Chinese) but he keeps on telling that he’s so serious about the relationship I don’t know if hes only protecting his family or what any comment? thanks

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Karen, You said that you don’t trust your partner “with no good reason”. From what you have written here I see two possible reasons for mistrusting him. First, you said that you had been in an abusive relationship for many many years. Did you ever seek counselling after that relationship? Abusive relationships often twist and corrupt our thoughts about love and the way we see ourselves. It could be that some of the lies and hurts from that old relationship are leaking into your new one. Second, you said that your partner left his wife to be with you. It could be that as you get closer to this man you’re wondering if he will leave you the way he left her?

    I would definitely recommend talking to a counsellor or pastor to get some help working through this and you’re also going to need to talk to your partner. Communication is so key when it comes to love. If you’re having a hard time trusting him he’s probably going to pick up on that. If you haven’t talked to him he’s going to have no idea what is wrong and will probably assume that it’s all his fault. Talk to him. As your partner he’s supposed to be the one you go to when you have fears and doubts, pain and worry. Keeping him out of your feelings will create distance between you whether you mean it to or not. It may be easier to talk to the counsellor first but you have to let him in.

    If you’d like to talk to someone privately, we have mentors available on this site. You can use this form to request a mentor and you’ll get an email back, usually within a couple of days.

  • karen says:

    Im in a relationship with a man I love more than anyone Ive ever been with. He left his wife to be with me(I didnt pressure him into leaving her)I didnt want anything serious but as far as he was concerned the marriage was over an he’d fell in love with me. My relationship previous to this was for 25 years with a man whose jealousy and insecurities ruined my life . He was abusive mentally and physically an I grew to dislike him intensely so in the end I give up and threw him out I ess single for the next three years which I enjoyed . Now I find myself acting like my ex jealous and insecure which I hate being. Ive never been jealous person in ny whole life I dont trust my partner at all and for no good reason hes so sweet and I know he lives me deeply. Why am I being like this he has no idea as I dont tell him how I feel but I know its not healthy to feel this way . What can I do

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Alexis, You’ve asked a really great question – we know that we are new creations in Christ but does that change happen immediately? On a spiritual level, yes, the change is immediate – we go from death to life, from lost to saved, in the very moment that we accept Jesus as Lord. But on a physical level when it comes to habits, behaviours, fears, thoughts, perceptions and beliefs that change takes time.

    Romans 12:12 tells us that, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” We are transformed by the renewing of our minds. As we study the word of God, as we get to know Him better our mind, the way we think and feel and act is changed. You can’t just wake up and decide that you’re going to change your thoughts and patterns because that is what you have decided. You can decide to START changing your thoughts and patterns, but habits are rarely broken in a single day. It’s a process. Especially when it comes to something like trust where you’ve had years of experience teaching you that trust is dangerous it’s not a change that is going to happen overnight, but it is something that CAN change.

    So how does this apply to your situation specifically? I have never met your boyfriend so I don’t know what he’s like, but anyone telling me that their boyfriend is getting late night massages at another woman’s house makes me really nervous. It seems to me that there are only two options here. Either a) he is getting more than a massage or b) he is not getting more than a massage but he is being insensitive to the effect this choice is having on you. I don’t think that it is unreasonable for you to be concerned that he is going over to this lady’s house, late at night, for a massage.

    We make time for the things we really want and the things we care about. If the massage is important he’d find time during the day to go to her spa. He’s choosing not to do that so something else is fuelling that choice. It could be that if he went to the spa he’d have to pay a higher price. It could be that the spa runs during his work hours (but if that’s the case most people are able to take a little time off every now and then). Maybe he feels that the spa itself isn’t manly. Whatever it is it concerns me that you have expressed a concern about his choice and he has chosen to shame you rather than adjust his behaviour.

    Trust is earned by being trustworthy. What if you asked to come with him when he gets this massage and wait outside the room, would he be comfortable with that? If there’s really nothing to hide he should be okay with it. Consider asking him why he doesn’t introduce you as his girlfriend. You’ve been together nine months, it’s far past when I’d expect him to use that term. Does he introduce you that way to other people, just not to this one woman? What you’ve been through in the past means that you need some extra care and tenderness when it comes to trust. It’s going to be harder for you to trust at first, but in the right supportive environment that trust will grow.

  • Alexis says:

    Dear Claire,
    I am in a loving and committed relationship. We have been dating for 9 months now. I can honestly say that this is the best relationship I have ever been in. We are both Christians and celibate. I never dated a man that was on the path of purity and respected my desire to wait until marriage. I have not been saved all my life and I have a rough past. He knows everything and loves me anyway. I know his past and love him too. I still have a very, very, hard time trusting him. This hurts him deeply. I know that he doesn’t deserve it. I had just had such a hard childhood, with no father around. My life as a single adult was very wild a rebellious, yet I was still looking for love and I got hurt many times in many ways in that process. It makes it hard for me to trust men, well any body for that matter. He says its a self-taught defense mechanism for me to always think the worst of people so that is if something happens I won’t be shocked. He also says that I am a new creature in Christ now and I have to let go of my old way of thinking, like the word says and to put on the mind of Christ. I know what he says is true. I also know that certain things that he does makes it hard for me to trust him too. For example, he has many female friends. One in particular is a massage therapist, she owns her own spa. He hadn’t had any time to go to her spa, so he was going to go to her home late at night to get the massage. I told him that I though that any woman would have an issue with this. He says that I should trust the God in him and that he loves God too much to betray me. He says that he will be held accountable to God for betraying me. I know that this is true. But none of it helps me trust him. Now every time he we part after our dates I wonder if he is going to see her. He has introduced me to this friend, but not as girlfriend. He assures me that she knows who I am, but I am not sure what difference that makes,some women just don’t care. My man is a man of great character, respected and loved my his church, his friends, colleagues and family. I have met his family and many of the latter. I don’t understand why I can’t trust him and trust that God has really sent me a blessing this time. He says that my trust issue also shows a lack of faith as well because I should trust that after all I have been through, my decision to live in His will makes me worthy of His promises (Jer 29:11). What do you think? I need help.

  • Barbara Alpert Barbara Alpert says:

    Dear Mimi, I am sorry to hear about all that you are currently struggling with regarding your relationship with your boyfriend. I give you a lot of credit for sharing your concern and apprehension in not wanting to move in with him. Cleary you have very good reason for your unease because of all that you have already been through with him and the way in which he currently acts and behaviors.

    God loves you so much and He most likely is trying to get your wholehearted attention by placing this unrest and concern heavily on your heart and conscience. God is so good and wonderful and He does not want you to make mistakes in life that can hurt/damage you and bring unneeded heartache. For this very reason, God has given you a conscience (that gut feeling that something is not right). I hope and pray that you make the right choice for yourself by following the blessed conscience God has placed inside of you.

    I am not a trained counselor but I know by my own experience (many years ago) that the move you are contemplating on most likely would be a terrible wrong move for you to take. I was fortunate to make it out alive and escape the bad relationship and situation. However, the scares from that season of life took many years to recover from and it damaged my self worth and esteem too. It took God many years to heal me from those wounds. I would hate to see you fall into a similar trap. God loves you too much and He has a good plan for your life. Do you believe in the Lord? Since the time I invited Jesus into my heart my life has never been the same. He filled the void that no human being could have filled and He wants to do the same for you.

    You mentioned that the move would be one of “convenience”. Have you been doing well on your own and your boyfriend is the one that is unable to make it on his own? A young woman such as you should not have to step in and be a helpmate to her boyfriend. I pray that you will continue to be wise and pay close attention to the caution and warning signs that are apparent. Do you have a close family member, friend, or pastor you can talk with? Please know that I am here for you if you would like to talk further.

    At this time, I would like to pray for you:

    Father God, I pray on behalf of Mimi who is uncertain as to what she should do. I pray that Your Spirit will guide her into truth that will help her avoid making mistakes that You do not desire to watch her make. I pray that You will protect Mimi and continue to provide for her needs so she can remain independent during this vulnerable time in her life. I ask that You provide her with additional counsel that will stir her in the right direction that You have for her and not what her boyfriend wants. Help her make wise decision so that You will then have the opportunity to bless her beyond measure because of her obedience and for following her healthy conscience that You have given her. In Jesus name I pray, Amen

  • Mimi says:

    Hi,
    My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now. We are moving in together in a month and I think I’m making a mistake. We are mostly moving in together for convenience. His rent was getting expensive and he hates moving, so he told me he didn’t want to move on his own and then move in again with me two or three years later. I regret having said yes.
    Things have not always been easy, and we have worked so hard to make this relationship work that we have stopped being happy.
    When I met him two years ago, I was just coming out of a relationship with someone I thought was my soul mate. I found out two years in the relationship that he had an 18 year old kid. After four years, I realised I was with someone who would never get a job and whom I would have to support my whole life. So I left him. And soon after that met the man I am now about to move in with. I love him, but we have our differences and I have trust issues.
    First, his life before meeting me was chaotic (at least in my view). He had group sex for many years with one particular woman who was also his best friend, did drugs and had just been rejected by a woman 17 years his junior, whom he was infatuated with. This is a man who does not show his feelings easily and passionate is not how I would describe him, so to know he was obsessed over a young woman who left him weeks before he met me took some courage on my part, because I threw myself in this knowing full well I could get seriously burned. Our first months together were hard, because I felt he was not in love with me or passionate about me. When I told him my deepest feelings or something seductive, he would answer with a polite “thank you”. He didn’t want to touch me in public, but would touch his “best friend” (the woman he used to have orgies with) without a problem. He and this woman entertained an exclusive relationship for the following year, emailing and complaining about how much they missed each other, while she never bothered to ask about me and would always refuse to see us together. Just as well, because seeing them together made me uncomfortable. They would joke about group sex, and their chemistry was unsettling. I finally told him it made me uncomfortable and he’s agreed to stop contacting her or seeing her.
    We stayed together because we had fun and got along well besides all these insecurities on my end, and as our relationship progressed, he opened up a bit and was finally able to say he loved me. Just as our relationship was settling and we started to enjoy each other and make plans for the future, something happened. I learned he was having private lunches with his ex-lovers. The hurt was so deep.
    I just don’t think I’m the woman he’s been waiting for all his life. I’ve always felt that he was nostalgic for other women while with me. He also never takes responsibility for anything, and likes to tell me that I have trust issues because of my ex waiting two years to tell me he had a child. He’s apologised about lunch with his ex-lovers and to him, that’s good enough.
    I have always felt like he yearns for women he doesn’t see anymore. He is such a nostalgic person, keeps everything, every photo, postcard, love letter, etc. that he’s ever received. I have trouble understanding that. So here we are, moving in together, and here I am, thinking it’s a mistake but doing it nonetheless. We love each other, and want to make this work. But my trust issues are getting in the way. I went away for a weekend a few weeks ago and he told me he did coke and went dancing. At least he’s honest, but how can I trust someone who does that when I’m away?

  • Drlove says:

    Great article you have here. Seriously, trust is very important in a relationship and it is trust that will help both of you to move on even if you both are not always together. The reality as you have said is that it is very difficult to build trust but I have more additional ways one can build trust in relationship. Building trust can be achieved through

    1.what you hear:
    we most times react to what we hear. it is what we hear that we act upon and the environment we grew up really affects us. I advise that partners building trust in relationship to always listen to tapes that encourages love. They should listen to tapes that portrays the beautiful side of trust in relationship. if you are the one seeking to build trust in your relationship, you can always help yourself by reading, watching, listening to inspirational love articles, videos and tapes. you then start seeing yourself acting upon it. You will start seeing yourself being positive over your relationship and partner. Mind you, negative feelings can hinder trust in your relationship.

    sometimes, we allow our pasts to disturb our present and destroy the future:

    2. Share with your partner about your ugly past
    you have to share with your partner about your heartbroken past relationship(s), share with your partner about the issues you had with your ex, your fears, the problem(s) you find very difficult handling in relationship including the present relationship. plead to your partner that he should help you to protect them. Make him see your views and try to make him see himself in your own shoes.

    3. we have to learn how to talk to our partner and control our emotional defeat and anger:
    anger is a very wicked spirit and has destroyed several relationships. Also, we sometimes don’t know how to talk to our partners about issues we are not comfortable with. I think one thing that have helped me in my relationship with my partner is that I really know how to talk to her about issues I’m not comfortable with. she loves me but I’m really helping us to grow in the relationship. She most times appreciate my efforts in the relationship. I have thought her so much. you too can be the pillar of your relationship and help your partner to learn and the relationship will be better for it. I didn’t start offering relationship advice and tips from my mother’s womb but I inversted so much on many things such as listening to relationship tapes, reading articles such as the one I just read, going through other peoples’ comments, feelings, and experiences, communication skills, listening skills etc. I didn’t do all these because I’m making money from my website or because people sometimes pay me for advise but because I knew I would find myself in a relationship. invest on some of these, it will help you out. we should also don’t allow our emotional defeat and instability to affect the way we talk about our issues with our partners.
    Look my fellow readers, there is a way we can talk to someone and he/she would be so understanding and sees the views we are trying to portray. it is very important we learn how to talk. Learning how to talk does not mean we cry while talking, it does not mean we shed tears and feel dejected. It has to deal with being soft and hit the nail right on the head. patience is very important in talking to your partner about issues. It is when your partner knows issues you are not comfortable with that he helps you out and trust is built in the relationship.
    4. have at the back of your mind that humans including your partner can be used as a source of temptation in order to kill your spirit being.
    this should be at the back of our mind all the time. it will help us to trust again when we are hurt. The lady I’m dating has hurt me several times, she has disappointed the standard we set for our relationship in several cases but I still trust her and she also trust me. This is because I have already accepted that the devil can always use that thing I love so much to destabilize me, to distract me. It’s very important we have this at the back of our mind. This link is an article I wrote about trust and how to build it. Seriously, it’s very helpful, you may want to read it: http://www.trueloverelationship-advice.com/2012/06/building-strong-relationship-base-on.html

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Karen, I think your instincts are pretty sound. To salvage this relationship is going to require a change in your boyfriend’s relationship priorities and values (a very unlikely change), a change in your expectations that your boyfriend remain true to you (I know you don’t want to go there!) or you making the decision to walk away and look for a healthier relationship with someone who values you and commits to you fully.

    From the information you have shared here I don’t think that you are acting out of an inappropriate fear. Trust your instincts and end this relationship. I know that can be a scary thing to do but you know the hurt of not being a priority in your boyfriend’s eyes.

  • Karen says:

    Hi,

    I’m in a relationship with a guy for a year. He’s 31 and has not really been in a serious relationship before. I’ve been having alot of issues with him, and my trust for him is lowering, due to the issues that happened and also a bit because of my past.

    Regarding my past, I had a 3 year relationship with my first serious boyfriend who cheated on me. I was deeply hurt. I’ve been through 2 other long term relationships that were fine, and we separated due to distance but not other reasons.

    With the current guy, everything started out great. He’s attentive to me, and cares about me in general, until about 6 months ago. He became slightly distanced and told me he’s thinking its scary to be with one person. My alarm bell rang, possibly because I’m afraid of getting hurt and cheated on before. Gradually, he started doing some things that really triggered that fear in me. For example, he went to a bar out of country and took a photo with 4 women, where he lied across their bodies. He told me, it’s just fun. That was the second alarm bell i had. That he didn’t seem to consider my feelings, and did something as blatantly disrespectful as this. He apologized sincerely and promised not to do it again.

    However, his tactlessness shows up in different things. Recently, he quite like to ask his friends, in front of me, whether there are any hot girls at a party his friends went to, or he would ask me directly, if a girl is hot at my office.
    I find it disrespectful, and it also triggered the fear of my past relationship in me. He also likes to make dirty jokes.

    I tried to communicate that what he said makes me uncomfortable. He got defensive, and said I was trying to control him and forgot that he’s a guy. He said I wanted to desexualize him. But really, all i wanted was that he could have more tact, and avoid saying these “guy” things to me, which i know would trigger my fear. He would stop if I said a specific behavior makes me uncomfortable, yet even though i tried to communicate with him about WHY it makes me uncomfortable, he doesn’t seem to understand.

    All these tactless behavior is making me not trust him. I don’t feel safe with him. I don’t know whether this is caused by my fear remained from the cheating relationship alone, or whether we really can’t work it out because of his personality, the poor communication.

    What can i do to salvage this?

  • Doris Beck Doris says:

    AJ my heart goes out to you! It sounds like your relationship with your boyfriend has had a lot of issues and he is going to have to decide whether or not he is committed to being in this relationship with you.

    The biggest question that you are going to have to answer for yourself is whether or not you can trust him anymore. Trust is not a right, it is earned, and from the sound of your story, he has definitely not earned your trust. May I suggest that you might both benefit from some professional counseling? It sounds like you have brought issues from your abusive marriage into your relationship and he also has issues of his own that he needs to deal with.

  • AJ says:

    So….I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now (I’m going to make this short as possible)and we know each others weak spots as far as cheating goes (my last husband beat me and cheated on me). Anyways, in 2008 I was pregnant with our 2nd child and one day we had a fight about his ex-wife coming to my house being disrespectful. Well he got mad and went to his mother house and had sex with her the same day….I found out 7 months into my pregnancy from my family during a “u need to cut him loose” intervention. Well it took him a month to confess that he did have sex with her and they had another baby together and our kids are 5 months apart. Ok so I forgave him like a dummy and now in 2011 he tells me that he has this bestfriend that he has known since grade-school. Well he says how beautiful, smart and wonderful she is when im having one of my “not looking so good” days and I tell him that I didnt want to meet her. well come to find out he talks to her behind my back anyways and when we were still together but living in sperate homes he allowed her to spend the night in the same bed that I bought and we have sex in on the regular. Well its July 1st and we celebrated our 5 year anniversary on the 15th of june and a week later I find love letters on his e-mail address (from back in february) she wrote him and signed his last name as hers. Well he says he’s straightened everything out with her months ago and they aren’t friends anymore but im not buying it. he’s mad cause I have a facbook page and he has cheated probably more than once. Am I stupid for still being with this man? Im scared to start over because im only 26 with three kids and I feel like no one will want me anymore. I am like a paraliyzed person in this relationship. I still love him but im so done with being lied to to where there is no feeling left. What should I do?

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hi Krystal, In part, it’s a question of emotional priority. He’s in a committed relationship with you. That means that you’re supposed to come first. When he’s excited or frustrated or worried or happy does he come to you to tell you about it or does he go to her? Does he tell you his secrets or does he tell her? Are you the one who hears his heart? Does he come to you for advice? Do you make plans and dream together? If he is coming to you with all of these things then you’re probably in a very good place.

    I would caution you to be very careful about asking him to cut her out of his life entirely. If they’ve been friends for a long time that would be a huge sacrifice for him to make, especially since he hasn’t cheated. What might be better would be to talk about some boundaries. Does he spend time alone with her? You might ask him to stop doing that and only spend time with her when you are there too. When they text, do they text during the day or late at night? If it’s more late night texting you could ask him to not text her past a certain time.

    Another thing to consider is to take a look at her behaviour when they are together. Does she sit very close to him? Does she touch him a lot? Does he touch her? Sometimes, and I’m not suggesting that it is happening here, but sometimes a person we love doesn’t realize when someone else is flirting with them. Our loved one would never consider cheating so they don’t even pick up on it. In a case like that one of the ways we protect the person we love is to limit that contact, to protect them from the thing they cannot see.

    Also, consider talking to the friend. If she cares about him as a friend and she can see that the two of you are happy together then odds are good she will do whatever she can to support your relationship. If you ask her to stick to some boundaries she probably will. If she gets super defensive, or says that the boundaries aren’t necessary then I would wonder what her true motives are.

  • Krystal says:

    So me and my boyfriend have been together for a little over a year now. We live together and honestly have a very good relationship. He is not afraid to confess his love for me to others.he is very attentive to my needs and when something bothers me, he is willing to assess the situation to make me feel better. But, he also has a best friend who is a female. Ever since I met her, I had a early feeling about her. Being curious one day, I decided to go through his phone and found some inappropriate messages exchanged between the two. Nothing that would be considered cheating, but I feel the messages absolutely crossed the line of bei “just friends,”. For example, one message that he sent her said, “I love spending time with you.”. When unread the message, I was absolutely distraught and brought this to his attention. He Explained that nothing has happened between the two of them and that he understands why I would be upset and apologized. Ever since, he has been doing everything he can for me to earn my trust back.

    I understand that relationships are built on forgiveness, but is it okay for me to ask him to stop being friends with this woman? I stated that I forgive him however I think deep down inside I do not trust that their is no feelings involved between the two of them. Is this something that I should forget about especially since he recognized his wrongdoing??

  • Alfred Alfred says:

    Dear Nancy, my heart goes out to you.
    So, you say that you still love this man; but what good is a one-sided relationship?
    I feel that your husband is so steeped in his ways that he will just continue ignoring you and lying about giving up those many “female friends”. He finds that the present arrangement is just great, and as he put it “he was too comfortable in our relationship and he don’t want to lose everything and gain nothing”. Yet, this may be exactly what needs to happen! This is hard for me to say, but even more difficult for you: I suggest that the only way to make a lasting impression on him (and make him uncomfortable) is to leave! Give him the ultimatum, that you will not return until he’s given up all the others.
    God is very loving and forgiving, yet He hates evil, and sometimes punishment is the only answer. Sorry, but I feel that I don’t trust your man either. I pray that your beautiful girls will have a relative or good friend that in a small way “be a daddy for them.”
    Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for providing all our needs. I thank you for giving Nancy the courage to deal with her unfaithful selfish husband. That will be impact! When he cries to You there may be a change, and we pray that it will be lasting, heart-changing change. If not, then he deserves what he’s chosen. I lift up Nancy and the 2 girls to you for comfort, love, and hope. Yes, may they even have joy, for YOU are there with them. Who knows what blessings You have in store for those who love You! We pray in Jesus’ name, Amen.

  • nancy says:

    Can someone help me!!!I love my husband very much we got 2 kids but I don’t trust him anymore, I’m so angry at him a lot lately, I want to leave him but I don’t want our girls to grow up without a father, A lot of times I wished that we didn’t have any kids so I can just walk away from him, I’m unhappy. We’ve been living together for 6 years & married for 1 year when I got pregnant, he has A LOT of female friends that called him to talk with their problems all the time, first I was OK with it but its getting to a point I don’t have time to talk to him cause he’s always on the phone solving their problems, so I told him to tell them to go see a phyciatrist so he told me that he don’t see a problem why I’m angry cause he’s not cheating on me. This keeps on going and it gets to a point that he gets very angry at me for stupid reasons like when I ask him I want to go on a date. I got so angry at him for not listening to my problems instead he handles his female friends problems, we got into a huge argument we almost break up he promised me he will tell them to chill out. I found out recently that he’s been lying to me after we got married, this whole time he’s been their psychiatrist and one of his female friends facebook me saying that I need to chill out cause my husband is her close friend like a brother….she also said that is NO wonder why my husband told her not to meet me or try to contact me. I cannot even explain how angry I was that day, his female friends are so comfortable to talk to me how to handle my marriage when I don’t know them, I feel betrayed & hurt that he don’t talk to me about them instead he talks about me to them. I told him I want a divorce so he cried & cried begging me not to leave him, he told me he was naive & he don’t want to be separated from his kids, he said he was too comfortable in our relationship and he don’t want to lose everything and gain nothing, I know my reason is stupid but I feel numb, I use to care but now I don’t care anymore….he always argues with me for being nousy in the past he don’t care what I have to say thats why I don’t care. I told him before he have to chose being a psychiatrist or a husband & a father, he chose to be a psychiatrist

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Uncertain, I can understand why you’d have some questions about this. It sounds like you were in open/not monogamous relationship when he spent time with this other woman so I would imagine that from his perspective it wasn’t cheating because the two of you had not promised to be exclusive, but I can understand how it would feel like a betrayal from your perspective. You need to talk to him. Find a time win you are both calm and well rested and have some private, uninterrupted time and tell him how you feel. Ask him if the relationship continued past the point where you became an exclusive couple and go from there. If you don’t talk to him you’re going to treat him as if he cheated and he’s not going to understand why.

    It’s going to be hard to sort this out in your head, but if you agreed to an open relationship then he has done nothing wrong in sleeping with someone else. That’s probably going to feel wrong, and there’s a good reason for that. Sex is supposed to bond people together. That’s part of the purpose of it on a biological level. We’re told that we’re supposed to be okay with casual sex, but sex was never meant to be casual. Running into an old friend at the grocery store and chatting, that’s casual. Taking off your clothes and inviting someone into your body is always intimate, whether or not you have an established relationship with that person.

    So what happens now?

    You really need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel but also be prepared to listen. Try to remember that you said this was okay. That doesn’t mean that you can’t change your mind – it sounds like you are not okay with it now – but it does mean that you can’t be angry with him for doing something that you said was okay. You need to talk about the future and how you’d like things to be going forward. You need to ask him if he’s been with this girl since you became exclusive.

    You asked how to begin, which is an excellent question. Begin by confessing your own feelings. Tell him that you feel bad because you’ve held your feelings back from him and that you haven’t been honest. Tell him how much you love him and how you want to talk about this because you know it’s not fair for you to be thinking these things and not give him a chance to respond. If you start with what you’ve done wrong you won’t put him on the defensive right away. It will remind him that you are in this thing together. From there you can move into asking him about his behaviour. If you don’t address this situation it will poison your relationship.

    I would also urge you to take a close look at your own attitudes toward sex. It sounds like you expected to be okay with casual sex but have found that in practice, casual sex hurts. Sex was never meant to be a throwaway experience. It’s supposed to be part of a very long term relationship, a marriage. It’s a pretty common idea these days to think that sex can be just for fun, but the reality is often quite different. Take a look at this article and see if it resonates for you.

  • Uncertain says:

    I am in a relationship and I’m struggling with trust issues. I have never experienced this before, but like many people I do have my own insecurities and failings, one of which is I have a very hard time bringing up issues with people I care about that address my dissapointment or unhappiness with the relationship. It’s basically a fear of abandonment or rejection.
    In the case of my boyfriend and I there that have occurred that I left unsaid. For example when we first began dating we were dating other people, and that was a known. As our relationship deepened it occurred during a time when he moved away and I suggested we keep seeing other people. But our feelings were growing deeper. Normally he would say things like “Bobby’s coming to visit”, but I knew when he’d say “a friend” he meant a female friend. This could have been purely platonic (I do believe that’s possible) or it could have been intimate. But it felt to me like it became a code and I never challenged it or brought it up. During this time there was one particular “friend” who visited him and he avoided pronouns and saying her name. But I knew who it was. I should have said something then – cleared it and created the pattern for how we could talk about these things. But I didn’t. Within 3 days of her visit she posted photos to his Facebook site. So I thought “ok – now we can talk about it” and then he removed them within the hour. And I think that hurt more than anything ever. I literally felt like my heart was breaking. I had come to believe they were lovers already and I was working on how to process that, and it hurt a tiny bit. But nothing hurt like what seemed to be his attempt to cover it up. And we were still in an open phase. I hurt deeply and never told him. In part because I felt like I hadn’t been honest in the beginning and secondly because I was so hurt and angry I was afraid I’d say some pretty awful things in self defense. So I shut up and shut down.
    2 months later he returned to our hometown and I’d healed a bit, and we resumed dating – this time monogomously, but I never brought up the topic. He has remained friends with that woman and he now talks about her more openly with me, but I have never met her. It’s been 10 months now and I still don’t trust him. Small things make me suspicious and angry. I don’t think he knows the connection, but as our relationship progresses I’m stupidly holding on to something I need to address and I don’t know how.
    I love him – the him I know, the one he let’s me see. But because of that instance I don’t know if I fully know him and I don’t know if we are fully on the same page.
    How can I begin this conversation?

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Taroko, I am so sorry that you are going through this but it sounds like you have made the right decision in moving out. You have made your expectations very clear and time and again he has not done what he said he would do. You asked, “Did he consider his right to drink over our relationship?” To a certain extent, yes. He knew that he was putting the relationship in danger if he continued to drink and he did it anyway. Which probably means one of two things, either 1. He didn’t think you’d really leave and so it was safe to drink or 2. He is addicted to alcohol and the addiction made the decision for him.

    I think that for the time being you have to stay away. If you come back while he’s still drinking he has no reason to change his behaviour even though he is a danger to himself, and potentially to others. If he is ready and willing to change there are programs that can help him get control of his life back. Until he does that I think you’re going to find him very hard to live with. He is going to keep breaking your trust until he addresses his problem with alcohol.

    So what do you do next? I think you need to talk to him and be very, very clear. Tell him that you love him but that you cannot live with him while he’s drinking. Tell him that you know he’s tried to change on his own but that it hasn’t worked, and him telling you that he’s going to try again is not enough any more. Let him know that if he’s willing to take his drinking seriously and get help then you’ll stand by him while he does the work to get sober (although you won’t be able to live with him during this time). Make sure he understands that it’s a choice between you and the drinking, he can’t have both. What kind of future could you build if he’s going to keep doing this?

  • Taroko says:

    Trust is so important. I am in a position, my boyfriend was probably a functioning alcoholic/binge drinker/alcohol abuser when I met him. I had nearly ended at the first few months when I began to realise. He was never voilent or emotionally abusive, just in denial i think. Then one night he was out after work until rhe earl hours and suffered a traumatic brain injury at the hands of another. We don’t really know what happened that night and he doesn’t remember. I stayed with him, I tried to help his recovery, it was a struggle for me and for him. But there was no length i wouldnt go to try and help. He promises never to drink again etc. He recovered well thankfully. A few months after I discovered one day returning home early from work, he was drunk in the living room in the middle of the day. I put my foot down and left. After much pleading and promises, I came back. He promises to keep to National health guidelines, but that didn’t always happen. He could stay alcohol free for long periods of time, but very so often he’d fly off again. Not often just a few times. I believe he is trying. Then the other night, he goes out to meet a friend and dissappears until morning. He said he missed the last train home, if wasnt his fault and to save money he waited until morning and his phone ran out of batteries. Suffice to say I can’t not trust him. He considers drinking as a right, that it is socially required. I don’t mind a drink or two with friends in a social setting… I can understand that. But that was it for me. I moved out. He is pleading with me again. The trust is completely gone. I love him and we had hopes and dreams together. I can’t understand why when you love someone do you do things break the trust? Did he consider his right to drink over our relationship? We had tried to build trust in the interim between slip ups. But each time it is broken. I am at a loss about what to do next. Can someone please help me with some perspective?

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Hanya, I think you know what the logical thing to do it you’re just having a hard time with actually doing it. If I’m reading your comment correctly, your boyfriend has cheated on you the entire time you’ve been together. Why would you want to be with someone who cannot be faithful to you? You said that the relationship is very painful, I can only imagine how painful it must be. I know that you have been with him for a year, and it could be that you love him (you didn’t mention that in your comment) but I think you need to decide what you want and what you’re willing to put up with. Fidelity is a very core need for the vast majority of people. I have seen couples who are able to put an affair behind them, but from what you’ve written this one has gone on so long I’m not sure what you would be holding on to if you did save it.

    You asked if all men are the same? No, they’re not. You said that it feels like your boyfriend does not care about your feelings – that is exactly the opposite of what a relationship is supposed to be like. A partner – whether that’s a boyfriend or a husband – is supposed to be there to support you, just as you are supposed to support him. He’s supposed to be on your side, to have your back. It’s supposed to be better together. It sounds like you find yourself in a very unhealthy relationship. What to do is your decision, but if I found myself in your situation I would end the relationship. I know that it’s scary to think of being alone, but I promise that it’s better than being in a relationship that just isn’t working. You sound so unhappy. You’re not married, you can walk away. That’s part of what dating is supposed to do – it’s there to see if this is the relationship that can last forever. I think you’ve got your answer on this one. Maybe not you’re not quite ready to say it out loud yet, but I think that in your heart you already know that it’s time.

  • Hanya says:

    Hi,

    I am in a relationship since 2 years approx. My boy friend had one girl friend before which I was aware of but still we started up when he said he is out of that affair now but just after around 1 year of our relationship I found that he is still in touch with her and she is nt aware of his affair with me as well, so tha situation was like 2 parallel affairs. I just thought to split as there was no good reason to continue the same. Then after several talks I decided to give him the chance to apologize. Need less to say this was very painful for me but stilll… Now, after 1 year I am still not able to trust him as he has that flirt element in his nature and sometimes he sounds very mysterious.Every moment I feel that insecurity in me for for him. I cant explain how painful this relationship has becomes for me. And also I don’t like few more things in him like saying sorry for a thing and repeating it again and again. He just thinks sorry is the word to heal all bloody pains in this world and just not care for my feelings . Is it because all men are same or what ? what should I do. ? I m really messed up ……………………….

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Sasa, From what you’ve said here it sounds a bit like you are sabotaging your own relationship. You said that you broke up with him the first time because of this woman who kept commenting on his Facebook posts. My question is, was he commenting back? If he wasn’t, then you’ve punished him for something that he did not do. Your boyfriend is not responsible for another person’s thoughts, feelings or actions. This other person was making the comments, but unless he was constantly commenting back to her, he didn’t actually do anything. If it bothered you, and I can see why it would, a better course of action would have been to talk to him about the situation and ask him if this was a person that he still wanted to have in his life. Maybe her comments were bothering him just as much as they were bothering you?

    You also mentioned breaking up with him because your friend said that he seemed annoyed with you. If that’s where you’ve set the bar for this relationship then I think you’re going to have a very hard time staying in it. I think that you have set an unrealistic expectation for this relationship. No one on the the planet is going to be able to be with you and never, ever be annoyed with you. We’re human. Spend enough time together and you’ll get annoyed. Spend enough time together and you’ll do something annoying. Great love doesn’t come from perfection. Great love happens when two people care about each other enough to take care of each other and to work through the bad things that are going to happen.

    I can see from your comment that you’ve been hurt before and this hurt has made you cautious, maybe even a little suspicious. But I think that the bigger issue here is that you’ve developed a “one strike and you’re out” standard. In what you’ve said here you have not ever given your boyfriend a chance to explain, or even to apologize, you’ve just ended the relationship without so much as a conversation. What if you had gone to your boyfriend and simply asked, “Are you annoyed with me?” He might have told you that he was tired, he might have said yes and then apologized or he might have pointed out something that you did that hurt him and given you a chance to make things right. If you cut and run at the first sign of anything less than perfection it’s going to be a very very short relationship.

    I think that you need to decide what it is that you want. If you want to be in a relationship (either with this guy or with someone else) then you’re going to have to give up some of this control that you’re clinging to so tightly. If you’re going to be together, you have to talk. Some of those conversations will be uncomfortable, but it will be a lot better than breaking up. You mentioned that it seems like your boyfriend doesn’t want to spend as much time with you. You’ve broken up with him twice already – maybe he thinks that you don’t want to spend much time with him and he’s trying to protect himself from what’s coming?

    You said that you are “open to the possibilities of love” – are you really? You need to decide which is more important – the chance at love or doing everything you can to avoid being hurt. Love is a risk. To really be open to it you need to stop looking for the door and start focussing on the person you’re with. If this relationship is worth a shot, then give it a real chance. If it isn’t, then stop the break-up, make-up cycle and walk away.

  • sasa says:

    Hello,

    I am currently involved in a relationship that only began in January. I am having a hard time trusting him as I’ve been hurt lots of times. I am so insecure, I’ve noticed a lady on his FB that kept commenting or liking his post and in a drunken stooper I decided to break up with him accusing him of seeing her only to make up with him in the morning. He later said he doesnt like her. I have also broke up with him because one of my good friends said he seemed annoyed with me one day and I thought maybe he is and maybe it will not work so I broke up with him only to make up with a few days later. He is a very nice, sweet, cool and smart person. We are still getting to know each other so I dont know him that well as its only been a few months. I’ve noticed that the first month or so of the relationship he seemed to want to text me a lot more, and tell me how much he likes me and that he wants to see me but lately its more me who is doing these sweet things and it seems like he is just doing things to make me feel ok. We also hung out a lot more and things have winded down the last few weeks but we have still hung out together but only at his house or my house. He’s also not as interested in doing things outside the house as I am but he said he would when I asked him if we can have date night once a week. Yesterday he said made a comment about one my good girl friends interest and I thought to myself…”does he like her”, probably because its happened a few times to me in the past that a guy that I liked or was dating has had sex with a friend or family member or bought an expensive gift for my sister and just all sorts of reasons why I feel that maybe he could be interested in my friend now. This is tearing me up inside. We have a date tonight to go out for a friends party and I feel like I am going try really hard tonight to have fun with him but tomorrow I am planning on letting go without telling him. Also, we have met on a dating site and I have my profile hidden on the site but his is not hidden so I dont know if he is seeing anyone from there even though he said he only wants to see me. I like him a lot and I want to be open to the possibilities of love but I am not sure if what I am feeling is my intuition/gut or if its all insecurities; in other words if its the vibe I am getting or if its all in my head.

    Sasa

  • Claire Colvin Claire Colvin says:

    Saddiqa,

    You’re in a complicated situation. Has he asked you to marry him yet? If you are engaged and he wants to delay the wedding then I think you need to ask him why. Why does he want to wait? He may have an excellent reason or he may be wondering if he made the wrong choice. The only way to find out is to ask him.

    If you are not promised to each other yet and he wants to delay it may be that he does not want to get married, or does not want to get married YET, then you need to ask yourself how long you are willing to wait. How long have the two of you been together? How old are you? These things will all factor in.

    At the end of the day, you cannot force someone to marry you. Either he wants to marry you or he does not. Sometimes we say “Wait” when what we really mean is “I don’t know how to tell you that I don’t want to do this”. Talk to him. Ask him what he is thinking. Ask him if he sees himself getting married to you. It could be that he is under a lot of pressure right now and cannot think about getting married just yet. Or it could be that he has thought about it but is not ready to say his decision out loud. Talk to him. He’s the only one who knows what he is thinking. After he has told you what he wants, you need to figure out what it is that you want and whether or not those two things go together.

  • saddiqa says:

    Plz help me to solve my problam … i love a boy so much and he loves me .He say to me that i love u … But delay the marriage . I m a poor girl .we are in the same university . He is so rich. I know that i m not able to him . what i do ….???? How i gain his trust very well …????

    How i forget him …???

  • Jamie Jamie says:

    Stephanie, I think one of the hardest parts of rebuilding trust is the reality that you will have to take a risk and give him the chance to again hurt you. There is no way that he is going to have the chance to regain your trust if you don’t offer him that vulnerability. It starts small with accepting his words of apology and words of love. When he says, “I am sorry” you are going to have to trust that he really means it. When he says, “You are too important to me to lose” you are going to have to believe him. You are going to have to decide which words you are going to accept from him as true.

    Actions are not as important as the heart behind them. He may give you access to passwords and communication tools but it is the heart behind it that will give you the real sense of his trustworthiness. That is hard to quantify and describe. It is going to look different for different people. I would look for actions that show that you are a priority in his life. What things does he give up to be able to be with you, to make you comfortable, and show how much he values you?

    The thing that I have found is that no matter who I am in relationship with, they will let me down. If I base my commitment and openness to people based on their actions I will become a pretty lonely person taking very few risks. So instead I have chosen to anchor my security, acceptance and sense of worth in my relationship with Jesus. He will never let me down and He will never break trust with me. He is the one who tells me that I am worth sacrificing for because of His love for me. I am better equipped to handle the disappointments from other people because my relationship with Jesus is solid. If you want to find out more about having that kind of a relationship with Jesus have a look at http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose or talk to one of our online mentors at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.

  • Jessica says:

    Trust is rebuilt by being completely transparent and honest. This includes being honest about any contact either directly or indirectly with the affair partner. Trust is rebuilt slowly and everytime there is honest communication even if the betrayed person will be hurt by hearing the truth it rebuilds trust. Only by having no secrets, only by being an open book, only by the cheating person giving up all passwords, communication with the affair partner and being transparent will trust be rebuilt

  • Stephanie says:

    What actions prove your trustworthy? What concrete actions?

    I know the obvious, such as being honest and open and building over time. But how do you rebuild trust that has been broken?

  • Albert says:

    You all seemed very obsessed with things you can’t control. Truth is we all have secrets, all of you included, it’s human. If you want somebody to be honest with you I would ask myself If I am being as honest as I pretend others to be with me. Remember that love includes a big deal of acceptance. What you give for love is given for love, do not to expect anything in return. Leave jealousy behind, it will only hurt you. Believe me. If you marry somebody who is dishonest with others chances are that that person will be dishonest with you. Thats how it is.
    Listen to Suspicious Minds By Elvis Presley, it’s a good take on this.

    Good luck,

  • Andrew Andrew says:

    Trust in

    I am very thankful that this article was helpful!

  • Just a woman says:

    The one thing Ive learned if you are looking for something you better be ready to deal with it, plus and most importantly DO NOT TELL him your looking at things the just get better at hiding things from you. Thats a fact. True Im a woman who has been hurt badly by a man I give my 100% trust in and its hard to realize what a fool I was. And in order not to be fooled again I have to keep my guard up and protect myself. But honestly it hurts all the same. Im searching for a peace of mind… Good Luck to all.

  • This article is right on point. There are a lot of blog-writers out there who write about the “feelings” of love and trust and how to change and build a relationship without giving any real answers. Your step by step instructions are priceless. I absolutely love your thoughts on “fair fights”. Giving an answer to everyone’s questions in such detail is beyond helpful.
    Thank you!

  • B. Miller Brenda says:

    Debamita, I really believe trust is vital to a relationship, and especially one in which marriage is being considered. So is acceptance – that is, both partners being able to feel totally accepted for who they by the other. God accepts and loves us for who we are, and unless we feel we are loved and valued by our partners without condition, it is so difficult to open up and be honest. To get to this stage in a relationship takes time. Can you talk to your boyfriend openly, debamita, about your fears, your concerns, that he has not opened up to you? And if your parents’ consent and approval is of great importance to both of you, it is key to remember that you are looking at a life together, so taking the relationship slowly and getting to know one another on a deep, personal level, talking things through, and just taking time to have fun together and enjoy one another is so valuable. When we laugh together we often share so much that we do not share when we are in a serious mood, because we feel safer and not on edge.

    Debamita, I pray that you and your boyfriend are able to spend some time both talking and laughing and sharing the joys of life with each other, and that you do take the time to get to know one another’s families, as family tends to be such a huge part of marriage. It sounds to me that both of you value the opinion of your respective families, and it would be well-worthwhile exploring what is keeping you from introducing your boyfriend from your parents, and vice versa. If you would like to talk to a mentor in a confidential manner, please feel free to contact one and someone will respond to you promptly and in a private manner. You can do so by clicking on the following link and filling out the brief contact form:

    http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/

    Our mentors are caring and willing to listen and walk with you through your life trials and joys. God bless you in your future, Debamita.

  • debamita says:

    Hi,

    I am in a relationship with a guy whom i had known for few years( both from same class in same school). He loves me but ,sometimes i think there are some secrets which he had not told me about his life(which makes me suspicious). I have told him evrything about me before he was there. Now the problem is that i want marriage. He had said he would marry me but he had not talked about me to his parents nor i have told to my parents( i am waiting for him to do it first). I dnt know whether they would agree or not or my parents would aprove it or not. Really very confused about the future. i dnt want to part with him.

    Please advice.

  • Sharon sharon says:

    dear carla– i do think men don’t always tell us women everything, we have been married over 20 years and i think my husband doesn’t tell me everything either, i do try to communicate to him everything, so you are not alone but if he is hiding stuff i agree with barb for counselling.

  • briopelle Barb says:

    Dear Carla,
    There is something wrong somewhere if he is hiding stuff from you & doesn’t want to talk about it (& especially the fact that he gets angry). Getting angry with you is to cause you to feel intimidated, or even guilty for not trusting him. This all points to “guilty” on his part, for one thing or another. To say that it makes him feel that you don’t trust him, what else would he expect it to do? Try telling him that you are just interested to know what (or who) interests him, because what wife wouldn’t be interested? If this continues, I would strongly suggest that you go together to a marriage counsellor or your pastor, if you trust that he is a godly man, & is available for that. This needs to be resolved, & should not be ignored!

  • Doris Beck Doris says:

    You make some very good points Susan about the importance of trust and open communication in relationships. But what you said is also very true Karen, that we all go through difficulties and changes of moods which can easily be misinterpreted. The challenge is to continue to communicate through those times so that nothing is taken ‘read’ into a quiet or reflective mood that was never intended. The only way to find that out is to talk.

  • Karen says:

    True love means being fully open, be given reassurance from the other half that there is nothing to worry about. But we all go through difficulties and change of moods which can be misinterpreted. There should be no secrets.
    It is important to talk to your other half about your difficulties

  • Susan says:

    Personally, I don’t think there should be any secrets between loving couples…Think about it, what kind of secret is “justifiable”, because not being able to reveal all of who we are to the one we love, means we cannot completely know them. I’m not saying that we should blurt out everything we think, but if you have a question for your spouse, or you want his opinion of your dress for example, then you should answer each other “tactfully”, but HONESTLY. And, be prepared for the whole truth–like it or not! If someone gets defensive when you question them about something, that should send up a flag…It doesn’t mean they are necessarily cheating, but it does mean that they feel vulnerable for some reason-whether its guilt from something they’re tempted about, or upset that you don’t trust them…Either way, they need to ease your concerns by comforting you, NOT, reacting in a way that creates MORE doubt (i.e. being defensive, etc). A loving spouse should be willing to ease your doubt, not contribute to it, even if they have done NOTHING wrong! What have they got to lose be simply being honest, exposing their emails or FB to you, IF—they have nothing to hide that is? And, they have your trust to gain, and you can grow together when you know you are being OPEN and HONEST to one another. Secrets from one another I don’t believe are EVER good, UNLESS they are for something “good”, that is soon to be revealed. (i.e. surprise birthday)..Otherwise, the lines of trust become muddled and you will always struggle with the truth and your belief in one another. And you cannot build upon a relationship without it…Talk to your spouse and tell him how you feel, and why. Tell him that you need him to be open and honest with you, and that you want to do the same so you both can believe in one another. If he truly cares, he should be willing to do whatever it takes to ease your doubts, for as long as it takes. That’s what a mature person–who truly loves you, does.

  • carla says:

    ive been married for 10 months must of the time he was away working overseas . and after we got married i only got to see him 3 times till now that we live together , im trying so hard to trust him but i have something inside that tells me he is been playing arround , i do feel like i need to trust him but stuff like me cheking hes facebook account or email he get all mad and says he doesnt like cause it makes him think i dont trust him , but at the same time it tells me why does he gets all defensive ?? id like some opinions please

  • Susan says:

    I don’t have time to read through all these letters, but there are a few things I would like to impress upon women…First of all,if there is any “doubt”, then “DON’T”..If your significant other becomes angry or defensive when you ask questions tactfully, that is reason to “pause” and consider why he/she is acting this way. There is a “reason” they are hesitant or defensive. Either they are hiding something, or are extremely insecure, neither of which is healthy in a relationship. A trusting, and trustworthy person who truly loves you should be more than willing to prove they are trustworthy to you–relentlessly–even if they have done nothing to betray your trust. You should be willing to do the same.

    Also, even men will tell you that they use lines like, “I’ve never felt like this with anyone else”, or “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone” just to get you where they want. Shouldn’t it upset you that men sometimes play with women’s minds to get what “they” want out of women? Women need to QUIT simply accepting these burned out manipulative words, and let a man’s actions speak much louder…Men in general, are weak when it comes to the temptations of women–but as women, we sometimes do not discourage their behavior when they act weak, acting as if we cannot do without them..and often exploting our “own” bodies when we should make men prove their commitment to us before they get a chance to even see them!!

    Consider the fact that women often actually “believe” everything men “say” at times, simply because we want to, when really, we should simply believe what they DO!! He may need to earn your trust by his actions, before you can really believe all his words. Respect yourself enough to FIND SOMEONE ELSE if your partner refuses to see the importance of his actions. Actions really do speak louder than words..Words just help fill in the blanks.

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