Do You Trust Him?
It’s easy to fall in love with a man you don’t trust, but it’s hard to live with him.
Real, lasting relationships are built on trust. Trust is foundational because it creates a safe environment for intimacy to grow. If your relationship is going to work you need to be able to trust your partner with your past, your present and your future. Trust takes time and effort, is easily broken and hard to restore but if you’re willing to work at it, the reward is the relationship you’ve always dreamed of.
Revealing your true self
Trust allows you to reveal who you really are. In spite of all the tricks we use to try and impress someone during the early stages of dating, intimacy is founded on knowing and being known. Your partner has to get to know the real you – what you’re like when you’re tired, angry, frustrated, elated or talking to your Mom on the phone
. He has to love you as you are, not as he hopes you might be. Anything less won’t last.
Have you seen or read Bridget Jones’s Diary? There’s one scene where Mark Darcy tells Bridget “I like you, just as you are.” She is floored. Why such a strong reaction to a simple comment? Because Mark is telling her that he really sees her and he likes what he sees. He didn’t say he’d like her ten pounds lighter, or a little more sophisticated, or prettier, or better read. He likes her as she is, unconditionally. She doesn’t have to try and impress him, he’s already impressed. Knowing that you are loved for who you are lets you relax and let your guard down. It lets you be honest without fear of rejection, and frankly, it feels great.
Honest communication
Trust opens the door to honest communication. You can’t communicate honestly if you’re always second-guessing how your partner will react and rephrasing your thoughts to fit in with his agenda. Communication takes concentration. In her article, “Why Can’t We Communicate?” Geri Forsberg , Ph.D., outlines the five steps to effective communication:
- Ask questions. Don’t assume you understand what a person means. Once you ask a few questions, it doesn’t take long to really find out what he really means.
- Listen. To become a better communicator, you must be willing to listen so you can understand the other person’s perspective.
- Observe and be willing to verify the information you receive.
- Let people know what you are thinking by sharing it. By disclosing information about yourself, it aids the other person in understanding who you are and how you are understanding them.
- Remember that love covers a multitude of sins. If your motives are wanting to understand people and accept them for who they are, then communication will be easier. But if you set out to convince them that your way is the right way, then that’s not communication. And that’s not love.
Fair fights
Once you’ve cleared up your communication, trusting your partner will help you to fight fair when disagreements occur. Face it, if you’re involved with a living, breathing human being you are going to fight. Whether the fights tear you apart or actually resolve conflicts and bring you closer together depends on whether or not you fight fair.
What is a fair fight? Most experts agree that fair fighting does the following:
- Stays on topic. Now is not the time to bring out a list of past wrongs. Deal with the issue at hand.
- Refuses to resort to name calling and insults. Remember that the point of the argument is solve something, not tear the other person to bits or badger them so they’ll quit and you’ll win. If you don’t respect your partner, or if they feel attacked, they’ll stop listening.
- Avoids generalizations and sticks to the facts. “You always” or ” you never” statements do not reflect reality and will only put your partner on the defensive. Stick to what actually happened and how it made you feel.
Building trust
Trust doesn’t just naturally happen between two people, even if they love each other. It takes work and if you’ve been hurt in the past, it can be especially difficult. Building trust takes time, you need to show your partner that you are trustworthy and that you trust them in return. If your partner has trouble trusting, you can do a lot to create an environment where trust can grow. Listen to your partner, respect him and his opinions, and accept him as he is. Reveal parts of your own history, show him that you trust him and you will help him to do the same. If you are vulnerable it helps your partner to feel that he is safe to be vulnerable as well.
Don’t rush it. If you truly love your partner and want what’s best for him, you’ll wait. If you’re in a relationship with someone you feel you can’t trust, don’t ignore it. If you have trouble trusting anyone, you might want to seek counseling before you run away from what could be a great relationship. Your past does affect your ability to trust. However, if trust hasn’t been a problem for you in the past and your gut is telling you to protect yourself from this guy, take it as a warning. Take a close look at who he is, how he treats others and how he treats you. Your gut may be giving you good information.
This article gives really good tips. if you really have a problem with trust in partner this would help some cause it helped me .
25 years of marriage out which in after 15 years husband develope emotional affair with a friend hidden from wife. almost a year now that wife has broken the truth of what she knew and proposed separation. Wife cannot trust him as she used to. Husband begs to trust him back and affair was just friendship. Wife cannot trust him back. Your comments???
Maybe the husband needs to admit the truth of the matter – that it was an emotional affair! There needs to be genuine repentance before her & God. Without honesty from the ground up there can be no trust. He also needs to “show” her that this relationship is, in fact, over for good. Only the two of them would know how this could be accomplished, but I’m sure it could be. If she really loves him & is committed to her marriage, then forgiveness on her part is a must.(I don’t see how any of this can be done without a true commitment to God through His Son Jesus Christ). It would be a shame to go through the terrible pain & heartache of divorce when God is wanting to bring healing & wholeness to both of them & their marriage. It can be better than ever, believe me!
Nanette,
My best advice would be for both the husband and the wife to see a martial counselor. Trust does not magically reappear when someone says “I’m sorry”. It takes work, and that work happens on both sides. First each partner would have to seriously ask if they want to save the marriage. If the answer is yes, I believe it can be saved. I have seen marriages come back from things that seem insurmountable. But it cannot be said enough, it takes work and it takes time which is where a counselor can be invaluable. Chances are good that neither the husband nor the wife knows what to do to fix this. The counselor can walk them through it.
When we get married, we promise “for better, for worse” this is the worse part. It’s not easy, but I promise you that getting divorced is harder. It can be overwhelming and it can feel impossible but if both parties genuinely want to save the marriage it CAN be done.
If the husband wants to be trusted, he needs to prove that he is trust-worthy. He needs to stay away from this woman and remove himself from whichever context they met in. If she’s a work colleague, he may need to change jobs. Yes, it’s a drastic move, but when you’re trying to save a marriage you have to do what it takes. It is not going to be the way it was right away, but they can get back to it or to a place that’s even better. If you know these people Nannette let them know that we have email mentors available 24/7 who can help. They can contact a mentor using this form.
Men are weak.
Please help. I have a boyfriend I love but can’t trust. He claims I’m always wrong for feeling this way, but I trust myself and my feelins more than him, so I’m not convinced. He’s lied about the smallest things, so why should I believe him on the bigger issues? I’m 8 months pregnant, tired of crying and want the family he promised me. I just want us to be happy… but how when I can’t trust him and can’t get over past things we’ve gon through?
Caroline – some men are weak, not all. Some women are too. I have known heroes and cowards, nice guys and villains. If your experience is one of weakness, it might be time to meet some new men :)
Nelli – would you like to talk to one of our mentors? It sounds like you’re in a complicated situation and a mentor can help you better than I can. If that sounds like something you’d like to try, just comment back here and I’ll set it up. Your mentor would contact you by email, and you can email back and forth as long as you like – there is never a fee. You’re dealing with a lot – you don’t have to do this alone. Let me know if you’d like to try mentoring.
Yes Claire, please set that up for me. Please
Mientras le gritas a tu mujer hay un hombre deseando hablarle al oido. Mientras humillas, ofendes, insultas y degradas a tu mujer hay un hombre cortejándola y recordándole que es una gran mujer. Mientras violentas a tu mujer hay hombre deseando hacerle el amor. Mientras haces llorar a tu mujer hay un hombre que le roba sonrisas.
While you shout at your woman there is a man desiring to speak in her ear. While you humiliate, offend, insult and degrade your woman there is a man courting her and reminding her that is a great woman. While you get violent with your woman there is man desiring to make love to her. While you cause your woman to cry, there is a man that’s stealing her smiles.
Hello, i am in a difficult situation. I was going through my divorce, and i met a guy that i thought was great, we had several physical altercations. We have resolved these and he is getting counseling for his anger, but while we were fighting,i asked him to leave my home and he slept over different peoples houses. I do not know these people, but i have heard crazy rumors about him having sex with several women. I confronted him about it and he said that he did stay over some guy friends and he would introduce me to all of them, that he loved me and just becuase our relationship had started off the way it did i am the best thing that happened to him. But my gut does not trust him at all. This man has cried at my feet telling me that he has done nothing, his best friend told me that he does not know if he ever did cheat, but he can say he has flirted in the past. But he cannot say if he cheated or not. His friend also told me that my boyfriend loves me very much. But my gut tells me not to trust him, and i ask him evreyday, and evreyday he tells me, that he loves me and i just need to get over it, that i need to just trust him, like he trusts me. I dont know i love him to death we have been together 11 months. I want to have a life with him, but when ever i see a woman i get so angry so quickly and i ask him if he was looking, most of the times he was not looking at all. This is really bothering me, do i not trust him becuase i cheated on my ex-husband as we were getting a divorce? Or do i not trust him because he cheated with me. Please help me, i love him. Also when i met him he was homeless, and had no job. I housed him, helped him get a job and got him enrolled in school. He is still not living with me, but i want to ask him to come back since i am moving to a new apartment. He is 4 years younger than me, and i have children, he has none. Also their was some physical altercations between both of us, but like i said he is getting anger classes. So do i trust him? Or is it that i am just insecure?
Hi Nelli – I have sent your question off to our mentoring co-ordinator. You should hear from your mentor in the next few days.
Hello Claire my name is lee I’m nellies boy friend I’ve read your comments you are very good now to our problem I’m a person who was built on family and trying to help others I haves lied about having a dog but o never cheated on her but I’m getting tired of always bein questioned when I come home