Do You Trust Him?
It’s easy to fall in love with a man you don’t trust, but it’s hard to live with him.
Real, lasting relationships are built on trust. Trust is foundational because it creates a safe environment for intimacy to grow. If your relationship is going to work you need to be able to trust your partner with your past, your present and your future. Trust takes time and effort, is easily broken and hard to restore but if you’re willing to work at it, the reward is the relationship you’ve always dreamed of.
Revealing your true self
Trust allows you to reveal who you really are. In spite of all the tricks we use to try and impress someone during the early stages of dating, intimacy is founded on knowing and being known. Your partner has to get to know the real you – what you’re like when you’re tired, angry, frustrated, elated or talking to your Mom on the phone
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Have you seen or read Bridget Jones’s Diary? There’s one scene where Mark Darcy tells Bridget “I like you, just as you are.” She is floored. Why such a strong reaction to a simple comment? Because Mark is telling her that he really sees her and he likes what he sees. He didn’t say he’d like her ten pounds lighter, or a little more sophisticated, or prettier, or better read. He likes her as she is, unconditionally. She doesn’t have to try and impress him, he’s already impressed. Knowing that you are loved for who you are lets you relax and let your guard down. It lets you be honest without fear of rejection, and frankly, it feels great.
Honest communication
Trust opens the door to honest communication. You can’t communicate honestly if you’re always second-guessing how your partner will react and rephrasing your thoughts to fit in with his agenda. Communication takes concentration. In her article, “Why Can’t We Communicate?” Geri Forsberg , Ph.D., outlines the five steps to effective communication:
- Ask questions. Don’t assume you understand what a person means. Once you ask a few questions, it doesn’t take long to really find out what he really means.
- Listen. To become a better communicator, you must be willing to listen so you can understand the other person’s perspective.
- Observe and be willing to verify the information you receive.
- Let people know what you are thinking by sharing it. By disclosing information about yourself, it aids the other person in understanding who you are and how you are understanding them.
- Remember that love covers a multitude of sins. If your motives are wanting to understand people and accept them for who they are, then communication will be easier. But if you set out to convince them that your way is the right way, then that’s not communication. And that’s not love.
Fair fights
Once you’ve cleared up your communication, trusting your partner will help you to fight fair when disagreements occur. Face it, if you’re involved with a living, breathing human being you are going to fight. Whether the fights tear you apart or actually resolve conflicts and bring you closer together depends on whether or not you fight fair.
What is a fair fight? Most experts agree that fair fighting does the following:
- Stays on topic. Now is not the time to bring out a list of past wrongs. Deal with the issue at hand.
- Refuses to resort to name calling and insults. Remember that the point of the argument is solve something, not tear the other person to bits or badger them so they’ll quit and you’ll win. If you don’t respect your partner, or if they feel attacked, they’ll stop listening.
- Avoids generalizations and sticks to the facts. “You always” or ” you never” statements do not reflect reality and will only put your partner on the defensive. Stick to what actually happened and how it made you feel.
Building trust
Trust doesn’t just naturally happen between two people, even if they love each other. It takes work and if you’ve been hurt in the past, it can be especially difficult. Building trust takes time, you need to show your partner that you are trustworthy and that you trust them in return. If your partner has trouble trusting, you can do a lot to create an environment where trust can grow. Listen to your partner, respect him and his opinions, and accept him as he is. Reveal parts of your own history, show him that you trust him and you will help him to do the same. If you are vulnerable it helps your partner to feel that he is safe to be vulnerable as well.
Don’t rush it. If you truly love your partner and want what’s best for him, you’ll wait. If you’re in a relationship with someone you feel you can’t trust, don’t ignore it. If you have trouble trusting anyone, you might want to seek counseling before you run away from what could be a great relationship. Your past does affect your ability to trust. However, if trust hasn’t been a problem for you in the past and your gut is telling you to protect yourself from this guy, take it as a warning. Take a close look at who he is, how he treats others and how he treats you. Your gut may be giving you good information.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
68 Responses to “Do You Trust Him?”
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I don’t have time to read through all these letters, but there are a few things I would like to impress upon women…First of all,if there is any “doubt”, then “DON’T”..If your significant other becomes angry or defensive when you ask questions tactfully, that is reason to “pause” and consider why he/she is acting this way. There is a “reason” they are hesitant or defensive. Either they are hiding something, or are extremely insecure, neither of which is healthy in a relationship. A trusting, and trustworthy person who truly loves you should be more than willing to prove they are trustworthy to you–relentlessly–even if they have done nothing to betray your trust. You should be willing to do the same.
Also, even men will tell you that they use lines like, “I’ve never felt like this with anyone else”, or “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone” just to get you where they want. Shouldn’t it upset you that men sometimes play with women’s minds to get what “they” want out of women? Women need to QUIT simply accepting these burned out manipulative words, and let a man’s actions speak much louder…Men in general, are weak when it comes to the temptations of women–but as women, we sometimes do not discourage their behavior when they act weak, acting as if we cannot do without them..and often exploting our “own” bodies when we should make men prove their commitment to us before they get a chance to even see them!!
Consider the fact that women often actually “believe” everything men “say” at times, simply because we want to, when really, we should simply believe what they DO!! He may need to earn your trust by his actions, before you can really believe all his words. Respect yourself enough to FIND SOMEONE ELSE if your partner refuses to see the importance of his actions. Actions really do speak louder than words..Words just help fill in the blanks.
ive been married for 10 months must of the time he was away working overseas . and after we got married i only got to see him 3 times till now that we live together , im trying so hard to trust him but i have something inside that tells me he is been playing arround , i do feel like i need to trust him but stuff like me cheking hes facebook account or email he get all mad and says he doesnt like cause it makes him think i dont trust him , but at the same time it tells me why does he gets all defensive ?? id like some opinions please
Personally, I don’t think there should be any secrets between loving couples…Think about it, what kind of secret is “justifiable”, because not being able to reveal all of who we are to the one we love, means we cannot completely know them. I’m not saying that we should blurt out everything we think, but if you have a question for your spouse, or you want his opinion of your dress for example, then you should answer each other “tactfully”, but HONESTLY. And, be prepared for the whole truth–like it or not! If someone gets defensive when you question them about something, that should send up a flag…It doesn’t mean they are necessarily cheating, but it does mean that they feel vulnerable for some reason-whether its guilt from something they’re tempted about, or upset that you don’t trust them…Either way, they need to ease your concerns by comforting you, NOT, reacting in a way that creates MORE doubt (i.e. being defensive, etc). A loving spouse should be willing to ease your doubt, not contribute to it, even if they have done NOTHING wrong! What have they got to lose be simply being honest, exposing their emails or FB to you, IF—they have nothing to hide that is? And, they have your trust to gain, and you can grow together when you know you are being OPEN and HONEST to one another. Secrets from one another I don’t believe are EVER good, UNLESS they are for something “good”, that is soon to be revealed. (i.e. surprise birthday)..Otherwise, the lines of trust become muddled and you will always struggle with the truth and your belief in one another. And you cannot build upon a relationship without it…Talk to your spouse and tell him how you feel, and why. Tell him that you need him to be open and honest with you, and that you want to do the same so you both can believe in one another. If he truly cares, he should be willing to do whatever it takes to ease your doubts, for as long as it takes. That’s what a mature person–who truly loves you, does.
True love means being fully open, be given reassurance from the other half that there is nothing to worry about. But we all go through difficulties and change of moods which can be misinterpreted. There should be no secrets.
It is important to talk to your other half about your difficulties
You make some very good points Susan about the importance of trust and open communication in relationships. But what you said is also very true Karen, that we all go through difficulties and changes of moods which can easily be misinterpreted. The challenge is to continue to communicate through those times so that nothing is taken ‘read’ into a quiet or reflective mood that was never intended. The only way to find that out is to talk.
Dear Carla,
There is something wrong somewhere if he is hiding stuff from you & doesn’t want to talk about it (& especially the fact that he gets angry). Getting angry with you is to cause you to feel intimidated, or even guilty for not trusting him. This all points to “guilty” on his part, for one thing or another. To say that it makes him feel that you don’t trust him, what else would he expect it to do? Try telling him that you are just interested to know what (or who) interests him, because what wife wouldn’t be interested? If this continues, I would strongly suggest that you go together to a marriage counsellor or your pastor, if you trust that he is a godly man, & is available for that. This needs to be resolved, & should not be ignored!
dear carla– i do think men don’t always tell us women everything, we have been married over 20 years and i think my husband doesn’t tell me everything either, i do try to communicate to him everything, so you are not alone but if he is hiding stuff i agree with barb for counselling.
Hi,
I am in a relationship with a guy whom i had known for few years( both from same class in same school). He loves me but ,sometimes i think there are some secrets which he had not told me about his life(which makes me suspicious). I have told him evrything about me before he was there. Now the problem is that i want marriage. He had said he would marry me but he had not talked about me to his parents nor i have told to my parents( i am waiting for him to do it first). I dnt know whether they would agree or not or my parents would aprove it or not. Really very confused about the future. i dnt want to part with him.
Please advice.
Debamita, I really believe trust is vital to a relationship, and especially one in which marriage is being considered. So is acceptance – that is, both partners being able to feel totally accepted for who they by the other. God accepts and loves us for who we are, and unless we feel we are loved and valued by our partners without condition, it is so difficult to open up and be honest. To get to this stage in a relationship takes time. Can you talk to your boyfriend openly, debamita, about your fears, your concerns, that he has not opened up to you? And if your parents’ consent and approval is of great importance to both of you, it is key to remember that you are looking at a life together, so taking the relationship slowly and getting to know one another on a deep, personal level, talking things through, and just taking time to have fun together and enjoy one another is so valuable. When we laugh together we often share so much that we do not share when we are in a serious mood, because we feel safer and not on edge.
Debamita, I pray that you and your boyfriend are able to spend some time both talking and laughing and sharing the joys of life with each other, and that you do take the time to get to know one another’s families, as family tends to be such a huge part of marriage. It sounds to me that both of you value the opinion of your respective families, and it would be well-worthwhile exploring what is keeping you from introducing your boyfriend from your parents, and vice versa. If you would like to talk to a mentor in a confidential manner, please feel free to contact one and someone will respond to you promptly and in a private manner. You can do so by clicking on the following link and filling out the brief contact form:
http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Our mentors are caring and willing to listen and walk with you through your life trials and joys. God bless you in your future, Debamita.
This article is right on point. There are a lot of blog-writers out there who write about the “feelings” of love and trust and how to change and build a relationship without giving any real answers. Your step by step instructions are priceless. I absolutely love your thoughts on “fair fights”. Giving an answer to everyone’s questions in such detail is beyond helpful.
Thank you!
The one thing Ive learned if you are looking for something you better be ready to deal with it, plus and most importantly DO NOT TELL him your looking at things the just get better at hiding things from you. Thats a fact. True Im a woman who has been hurt badly by a man I give my 100% trust in and its hard to realize what a fool I was. And in order not to be fooled again I have to keep my guard up and protect myself. But honestly it hurts all the same. Im searching for a peace of mind… Good Luck to all.
Trust in
I am very thankful that this article was helpful!
You all seemed very obsessed with things you can’t control. Truth is we all have secrets, all of you included, it’s human. If you want somebody to be honest with you I would ask myself If I am being as honest as I pretend others to be with me. Remember that love includes a big deal of acceptance. What you give for love is given for love, do not to expect anything in return. Leave jealousy behind, it will only hurt you. Believe me. If you marry somebody who is dishonest with others chances are that that person will be dishonest with you. Thats how it is.
Listen to Suspicious Minds By Elvis Presley, it’s a good take on this.
Good luck,
What actions prove your trustworthy? What concrete actions?
I know the obvious, such as being honest and open and building over time. But how do you rebuild trust that has been broken?
Trust is rebuilt by being completely transparent and honest. This includes being honest about any contact either directly or indirectly with the affair partner. Trust is rebuilt slowly and everytime there is honest communication even if the betrayed person will be hurt by hearing the truth it rebuilds trust. Only by having no secrets, only by being an open book, only by the cheating person giving up all passwords, communication with the affair partner and being transparent will trust be rebuilt
Stephanie, I think one of the hardest parts of rebuilding trust is the reality that you will have to take a risk and give him the chance to again hurt you. There is no way that he is going to have the chance to regain your trust if you don’t offer him that vulnerability. It starts small with accepting his words of apology and words of love. When he says, “I am sorry” you are going to have to trust that he really means it. When he says, “You are too important to me to lose” you are going to have to believe him. You are going to have to decide which words you are going to accept from him as true.
Actions are not as important as the heart behind them. He may give you access to passwords and communication tools but it is the heart behind it that will give you the real sense of his trustworthiness. That is hard to quantify and describe. It is going to look different for different people. I would look for actions that show that you are a priority in his life. What things does he give up to be able to be with you, to make you comfortable, and show how much he values you?
The thing that I have found is that no matter who I am in relationship with, they will let me down. If I base my commitment and openness to people based on their actions I will become a pretty lonely person taking very few risks. So instead I have chosen to anchor my security, acceptance and sense of worth in my relationship with Jesus. He will never let me down and He will never break trust with me. He is the one who tells me that I am worth sacrificing for because of His love for me. I am better equipped to handle the disappointments from other people because my relationship with Jesus is solid. If you want to find out more about having that kind of a relationship with Jesus have a look at http://powertochange.com/discover/faith/discoverpurpose or talk to one of our online mentors at http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor.
Plz help me to solve my problam … i love a boy so much and he loves me .He say to me that i love u … But delay the marriage . I m a poor girl .we are in the same university . He is so rich. I know that i m not able to him . what i do ….???? How i gain his trust very well …????
How i forget him …???
Saddiqa,
You’re in a complicated situation. Has he asked you to marry him yet? If you are engaged and he wants to delay the wedding then I think you need to ask him why. Why does he want to wait? He may have an excellent reason or he may be wondering if he made the wrong choice. The only way to find out is to ask him.
If you are not promised to each other yet and he wants to delay it may be that he does not want to get married, or does not want to get married YET, then you need to ask yourself how long you are willing to wait. How long have the two of you been together? How old are you? These things will all factor in.
At the end of the day, you cannot force someone to marry you. Either he wants to marry you or he does not. Sometimes we say “Wait” when what we really mean is “I don’t know how to tell you that I don’t want to do this”. Talk to him. Ask him what he is thinking. Ask him if he sees himself getting married to you. It could be that he is under a lot of pressure right now and cannot think about getting married just yet. Or it could be that he has thought about it but is not ready to say his decision out loud. Talk to him. He’s the only one who knows what he is thinking. After he has told you what he wants, you need to figure out what it is that you want and whether or not those two things go together.