Do You Trust Him?
It’s easy to fall in love with a man you don’t trust, but it’s hard to live with him.
Real, lasting relationships are built on trust. Trust is foundational because it creates a safe environment for intimacy to grow. If your relationship is going to work you need to be able to trust your partner with your past, your present and your future. Trust takes time and effort, is easily broken and hard to restore but if you’re willing to work at it, the reward is the relationship you’ve always dreamed of.
Revealing your true self
Trust allows you to reveal who you really are. In spite of all the tricks we use to try and impress someone during the early stages of dating, intimacy is founded on knowing and being known. Your partner has to get to know the real you – what you’re like when you’re tired, angry, frustrated, elated or talking to your Mom on the phone
Video: How can you affair-proof your marriage?
Guarding your marriage: Do a Life Lesson on love
Have you seen or read Bridget Jones’s Diary? There’s one scene where Mark Darcy tells Bridget “I like you, just as you are.” She is floored. Why such a strong reaction to a simple comment? Because Mark is telling her that he really sees her and he likes what he sees. He didn’t say he’d like her ten pounds lighter, or a little more sophisticated, or prettier, or better read. He likes her as she is, unconditionally. She doesn’t have to try and impress him, he’s already impressed. Knowing that you are loved for who you are lets you relax and let your guard down. It lets you be honest without fear of rejection, and frankly, it feels great.
Honest communication
Trust opens the door to honest communication. You can’t communicate honestly if you’re always second-guessing how your partner will react and rephrasing your thoughts to fit in with his agenda. Communication takes concentration. In her article, “Why Can’t We Communicate?” Geri Forsberg , Ph.D., outlines the five steps to effective communication:
- Ask questions. Don’t assume you understand what a person means. Once you ask a few questions, it doesn’t take long to really find out what he really means.
- Listen. To become a better communicator, you must be willing to listen so you can understand the other person’s perspective.
- Observe and be willing to verify the information you receive.
- Let people know what you are thinking by sharing it. By disclosing information about yourself, it aids the other person in understanding who you are and how you are understanding them.
- Remember that love covers a multitude of sins. If your motives are wanting to understand people and accept them for who they are, then communication will be easier. But if you set out to convince them that your way is the right way, then that’s not communication. And that’s not love.
Fair fights
Once you’ve cleared up your communication, trusting your partner will help you to fight fair when disagreements occur. Face it, if you’re involved with a living, breathing human being you are going to fight. Whether the fights tear you apart or actually resolve conflicts and bring you closer together depends on whether or not you fight fair.
What is a fair fight? Most experts agree that fair fighting does the following:
- Stays on topic. Now is not the time to bring out a list of past wrongs. Deal with the issue at hand.
- Refuses to resort to name calling and insults. Remember that the point of the argument is solve something, not tear the other person to bits or badger them so they’ll quit and you’ll win. If you don’t respect your partner, or if they feel attacked, they’ll stop listening.
- Avoids generalizations and sticks to the facts. “You always” or ” you never” statements do not reflect reality and will only put your partner on the defensive. Stick to what actually happened and how it made you feel.
Building trust
Trust doesn’t just naturally happen between two people, even if they love each other. It takes work and if you’ve been hurt in the past, it can be especially difficult. Building trust takes time, you need to show your partner that you are trustworthy and that you trust them in return. If your partner has trouble trusting, you can do a lot to create an environment where trust can grow. Listen to your partner, respect him and his opinions, and accept him as he is. Reveal parts of your own history, show him that you trust him and you will help him to do the same. If you are vulnerable it helps your partner to feel that he is safe to be vulnerable as well.
Don’t rush it. If you truly love your partner and want what’s best for him, you’ll wait. If you’re in a relationship with someone you feel you can’t trust, don’t ignore it. If you have trouble trusting anyone, you might want to seek counseling before you run away from what could be a great relationship. Your past does affect your ability to trust. However, if trust hasn’t been a problem for you in the past and your gut is telling you to protect yourself from this guy, take it as a warning. Take a close look at who he is, how he treats others and how he treats you. Your gut may be giving you good information.
So, how’s your love life? Do you need to talk? Either contact us privately by filling out this form and one of our mentors will contact you or make a comment about this article below the form.
Hi, I have been married for 23 years. I don’t know or think my husband has every been unfaithful to me. I have not had any major issues in my marriage. There is one thing that has bothered me throughout the years. I often catch my husband checking out girls. This bothers me quite alot. I feel it to be a lack of respect and hurts me very much. He usually will deny this when I approach him about this. I often wonder if he does this in front of me, he must do this when I am not around. I just don’t understand why he would want to check out other women when he says he loves me. This concerns me and makes me feel not good. This also brings about a sense of mistrust. Should I be worrying about this?
Dear Leis,
I might not be a right person to tell you that since I also wrote on here, so you know I also have a trust problem with my boyfriend. But I hope I can help you, I am having a long-distance relationship too.
I understand your feelings that you are scared your boyfriend might be stolen away by another girl. But actually, he is also scared the same thing! I know the distance might make it harder to trust someone, but you need to have confidence with yourself! I believe he is in love you and wants to be with you only! So don’t let fear to hurt you two! I’ve been there before, and my boyfriend was not happy that I would think of this way about him. And he is right, if I were him, I would also feel sad. So, I hope you can work it out and be happy with your boyfriend.
Dear Almera,
Loving someone doesn’t always mean complete and utter trust. Trust is something that is earned and if trust is broken then its hard to get back. Sometimes we are hurt by another person other than our husband and it makes it hard to trust anyone in the future. This is an issue you personally have to work on yourself. Seek counselling and choose to trust daily. If your husband has done something to make you not trust him then you need to decide if you want to forgive him and move on in a relationship with him. If you choose to move on with him then you need to choose to forgive daily. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting but it means not holding it against the person anymore. It takes work and you have to be willing to work hard. If you would like to talk more, we offer free and confidential mentoring, you would be matched with someone who has gone through the same life experiences as you and will help you walk the path. Just fill out the form here http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Sincerely,
Leah
pls.do help me why should i like this,,i really love my husband but i couldnt trust him.
I’m having a problem with trusting my boyfriend. I’ve never been hurt in the past though, and i don’t wanna get hurt at some point in the future. that’s probably why i can’t trust him yet. I’ve known him for two years now and i know what kind of person he is. he never lied to me. and i know that very well. but i still don’t understand why i tend to get jealous so easily. he’s a really friendly person though. and that kinda scares me a bit because that can make girls fall for him easily. he’s really attractive and i know a few girls who like him. I fell in love with him not because of that but his personality. and to be honest, i’m just an average-looking girl. When i asked him why he fell in love with me, he said it’s just something he couldn’t explain. he told me he loves me for who i am. he says in his eyes, i am perfect, but i know i am not! but i guess he main reason why he loves me is because i’ve always been there for him. i’ve always been the person he could always talk to. and we always have good conversations..
we’re having a long-distance relationship now and i just can’t stop feeling insecure. there are so many good-looking girls where he is now and i’m afraid he might get attracted to any of them, especially if they happen to flirt with him. I hate my insecurities.
I keep thinking men cannot be trusted. because a majority of them love looking at beautiful women. even some of my male friends agree on that. but I really want to believe that my boyfriend will never get attracted to some other girl. i know he loves me not because of my looks, but he is a man after all. and he told me that, before, he used to like looking at beautiful girls too. I know he loves me now.. i believe that. but how long is his love for me gonna last? things change over time, don’t they? he might get tired of me at some point and start looking for a new person.. I am his first girlfriend so that should’ve made it easier for me to trust him but somehow i still can’t. I need help. I really wanna trust him. but knowing that he liked looking at beautiful girls in the past really hurts me. cause i cant be certain if he has changed completely. please help me.. i really don’t know what to do
Scarlett, communication is so important and clearly there has been a breakdown in the communication of your relationship. It is strange that he would lie about why he was traveling and who he was traveling with. I believe that trust can be rebuilt but the question is why did he do this? Why was he scared of what you would think unless he was feeling guilty about something? The worst thing to do is to harp on him for every detail about his activities because it will drive him further away. But trust your gut; I believe everyone knows the right answer deep down inside.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. Everything is perfect until 7 months ago, we started a long distance relationship. My boyfriend never lied to me before that. But 2 months ago, he lied to me about going to Ireland for business. In fact, he went there with his friends just for traveling. I know those friends, they are 1 boy and 2 girls. When I found out the truth, he still tried to cover it and lied about it, before he did admit it. He told me he didn’t tell me because he doesn’t want me to get mad. But why I will be mad about this if he tells me before going there?
I am sure he is not cheating on me. But I understand why he had to lie about it. Since then, he feels really sorry and be perfect again like before. But I found out that I don’t trust him now, I ask him so many questions when he goes out everytime. I don’t like to be like this but I don’t know what to do. I love him so much and I know he loves me too. Please help me.
Michelle – I can’t tell you if you should get married or not, but I can tell you this: listen to your gut. If you already have concerns about getting married, don’t just brush those aside. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get married, but it DOES mean that you shouldn’t get married before you talk this through. Is there a counsellor that you could see together? Valentine’s Day is only 6 weeks away. You want to go into your wedding day confident that you are making the right decision for all four of you. A counsellor can help you work through your concerns and then make a decision about whether or not you want to go ahead with the marriage, or wait a little while, or something else entirely.
I don’t think you are being paranoid. I think you have a legitimate concern – your trust has been broken, not because you’re crazy or jealous, but because your fiance was talking to other women behind your back. He says he won’t do it again and that’s a great first step, but it sounds like it is not enough to settle your spirit. I can understand that. Words can be pretty easy to say, actions are more convincing. You might just need a little more time.
Marriage is not something to go into lightly. You have history and you share children so this guy is always going to be part of your life. He will always be your children’s father. I imagine that wedding plans are already underway and those can be tricky to undo or delay, but getting married is not a solution. Delaying things doesn’t mean breaking up, it just means you need a little more time. It may be that you don’t need more time, that you can sort things out before the 14th, but you need to find that out. I would hate for you to walk into your own wedding wondering if you were walking toward a heartache.
If you would like to talk to someone, we have mentors available by email. You can go to this page to request a mentor. There is a list of marriage counsellors in the US here and marriage counsellors in Canada here.
You have your whole life to married. A few weeks here or there can make a huge difference. I hope that you can talk to someone and get a little support to go into your future confident and prepared and ready for a life together.
I recently found out that my fiance’ has been texting a girl for 2 yrs behind my back. This is a girl that has told me that she is going to steal my family from me (my fiance and our 2 daughters). He know how I feel about her but still continued to email and text her and some of these conversations got racey. I comfronted him about it and he says it was nothing, that he tries to cheer her up because she suffers from depression, but she has tried to break friends of mine as well. He says he will never contact her again. This is where the trust issue comes into play. It’s not the first time he has emailed other girls and as far as I know he has never physically cheated just emailed/texted.
I recently found pics on his cell phone of another girl nad when I confronted him about it he still says it’s nothing because neither of these girls live in our city. The first girl was visiting friends our ours, the newest girl he met through WoW.
I told him to tell me if he ever had feeling for the first girl and after forcing him to tell me the truth he finally told me he had minor feeling for her.
Even though I no longer trust him we went and got the marriage license and are getting married on valentines day. But I am scared. What if it doesn’t stop, what if he finally takes the step and physically cheats. I told him about my fears and he said he will never do it again.
I don’t know if I truest him enough to get married, but I love him so much and can’t see my life without him.
Am I just being paranoid? I don’t want to feel this way. We have been through so much together which I thought made us stronger but now I don’t know. Am I just fooling myself and wasting my time or is there hope?
Dear Jane
Trust is a really hard thing, but I know for certain that it is a choice. Just like loving someone is a choice everyday, so is trust. I also know that if you hold onto him to tight and never give him the freedom to earn back the trust ultimately, you will just push him further away. Hence the need to choose to trust him and not let your fear and anxiety take over. I know it is hard to get to that place but I have found that talking to someone helps. Would you like to talk to one of our free and confidential mentors? You will matched with someone who has had the same experiences and can walk with you through this. If you would like a mentor, just fill out the form http://powertochange.com/discover/talk-to-a-mentor/
Sincerely,
Leah
My hubby & I have been married for almost 6 years. When I was pregnant with our first baby, my bro in law caught him looking at some porn magazines. He hid it and just kept denying it. I found out and confronted him. We eventually got over that issue and had no real issues for a while. Since then I caught him looking at certain movies when he thought I was asleep etc. I also confronted him about them, he always apologizes and feel so bad. I know he would rather not fill his mind with porn, but somehow I think he may be addicted to it. We have both grown up in christian families, and had strict parents. My hubby lived alone from the age of 17yrs because of poverty in his birth country. During that time, he had been with one woman intimately once (thats what he says and the next day went to the pastor to confess and it never happened again), and with many others on dates. He has always been very sociable and fun, and extremely good looking. I find myself not trusting him because of his past. I think that because he is at work all day, going into peoples houses daily, that he could easily do whatever he wants and I’ll never find out. I have always been very confident, but I find that I am losing my confidence being in this relationship with him. Divorce is not an option for me, but I would like to be able to trust him as I did when I first met him. It’s gotten so bad that I always make excuses for not going to the beach or swimming because I think he will be looking at other women. This is because it has happened on many occasions in the past and when I confronted him about it, he would deny it, saying I was just trying to pick a fight. That I needed to trust him. If his actions are showing me otherwise, how can I learn to trust him again. Sometime I think that if we moved out in the mountains where we were the only people around for miles, we would be ok. All the modern eye-catching advertising & the mature television shows/movies is making this issue so much harder to deal with too. He is into action moveis and I tend to go to sleep after watching a romance/comedy… but I’m usually left wide awake in bed just making up ideas in my head as to what he’s watching. I have found myself watching the movie (in fast forward mode) the next day when he’s at work to see if there were any sex scenes or stripper scenes. If there were I always confront him about them and he swears that he skipped that bit. I’m always left to wonder just what happened and usually left hurt inside because I can’t trust my own hubby. I’m not into war/action movies, really can’t stand them. And I try to portray that I am trying to trust him by going to bed while he watches the movies. I hate being a nagging, un-trustful wife, I think I’m getting worse with time. We have had many deep and meaningful conversations which always ended with us both willing to try harder etc. And it was ok for a few weeks until another issue arose. My life is not what I was expecting it to be. I want to have a normal life with my hubby & children without this insecurity. I understand there will be minor arguments etc, but this trust issue is really eating away at what I have good left inside me. I don’t want to turn out sour and bitter by leaving all this fester inside. Please give me some ideas, if anyone has gone through anything similar to my life. Thanks
I have been in a long-term relationship (9 years) with a woman. We got along great for the first 5+ years but over the past few years trust issues have crept into our relationship. Oddly enough I would have thought the trust we worked hard to build at the beginning would be harder than now. Why do I think that? We were both in long-term marriages and got divorced around the same time. Both of us were very open and discussed trust problems and an affair our ex’s and ourselves caused in our prior relationships. Understanding that we both strived to keep the air clear and build trust.
Since the beginning of our relationship we always spent time with each others friends. Over the past few years she has become increasingly concerned with my friends that I have known since high school. Some of them are single and there are also some single women around. Many times when parties go late into the night (past 1A) I choose to leave simply because that is when ‘things’ may happen and I know that it’s not the type of atmosphere I would want her in, and thus I don’t generally put myself in similar situations. In the past 9 years I can cite 3 times where I have stayed out past 1A with my friends, and in every case was home when I was able to drive (but never later than 4A). She goes out with her friends without me sometimes, as she should, and they are usually done by midnight. Sometimes I get anxious when she is out because guys will try and talk to her and get her number (though one time she was flirting and got a guy’s number, I have had trouble with this but have gotten past it). I try to work through this by having her tell me how the evening went so I can understand what happened and didn’t happen. With the exception of a just a couple of things where it seemed to me she was flirting I have been OK and trust has been built.
So my question, since things seem to be moving in the wrong direction and neither of us have dramatically changed our behavior I’m not sure what to make of it. I am however tired of feeling like I’m a bad guy or being threatened that if our relationship is going to be this way, “I’ll remember that”. As I have told her I want to know things good and bad that build trust or concern her, but I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I’m not perfect, but I hear some of my guys friends (some married and some in 5+ year relationship) and the things they are up to and think, damn I’m a good guy and I’m getting ripped apart by my girlfriend by being honest.
Dear Jessica,I don’t believe in your case that there is any question of your being right for each other, or loving each other. I also sense that your husband is truly sorry & I think that you know it, too. So we are left with the pain!!! I don’t know where you &/or your husband are at in your relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. If you’re not sure either I suggest that you check out the site http://www.thelife.com and surrender your life & this whole situation to Jesus. He is the only One Who is able to heal your heart & your marriage. The Lord is so pleased that you want things to work, & He is desiring to heal the emotional pain you are struggling with. I’ve been there, only I was the one, and I want you to know when God removes the sinful attachment it is removed, so please don’t torment yourself about what happened in the past, & ask God to help you to see this & everything else in the “light of eternity”. Your husband needs your love, pure & free, & that will be an extra guard against the wiles of the devil. Don’t give satan any room in your life or your marriage, because God wants it all & He will make it better than ever!!!
Dear Jessica, yes, there is emotional affair, but sometimes we need to admit to ourselves we are not right for each other, please if their are kids involved please do not used that as an excuse to stay in a marriage, what you need is to look after you. also what you need to remember sometimes we get married and realized that the person we get married to is not the one. it happens lets face it. the goal is to respect each other, and be honest with each other.
I found out in july my husband of 11 years had a 6 month emotional affair. He broke it off and hasn’t had any contact with her. He is doing everything he can to make up for it. I want our marriage to work, but I just can’t get over the pain, i look at past phone bills, credit cards and the hurt is just as fresh. How do I move on?
Yes please pray for me…I need to be able to trust I don’t like feeling insecure all time…it makes me sick to my stomach.
Hi Monica,
Its a natural emotion to feel scared after being hurt. We all have two choices when we are in this situation, continue to live with fear or get help for your difficult emotions. If you never deal with your trust issues, you are bound to repeat them. I recommend that you see a counsellor. Would you like our team to pray for you in the meantime? Please let me know and I will get you connected with a prayer mentor.
Sincerely,
Leah
Okay I have been married twice first husband was abusive for the five years of our marriage..got the courage to leave than meant my second husband married to him for 6 years he was verbally abusive even though he thinks he wasn’t but he was..I think he mighted cheated on me during the marriage but never could prove anything..towards the end of the marriage I kissed another man I will regret that for the rest of my life because I don’t believe in cheating…Now I am dating a guy that is 4 yrs younger he has a daughter I have 3 girls he is great but I am having problems trusting him..I have always had trusted issues and this is long distant relationship and when he visit I am always looking at his phone and I have seen texts to woman that are his friends from the past..he tells me trust him I have nothing to worry about and that he loves me deeply and when ever I start to doubt him he tells me just try to remember that you have a man that is crazy in love you..that was the sweetest thing anybody has ever said to me but I still have doubts..why do I have doubts I am scared to get so hurt again please help me figure what is going on with me.
Hi Jessica
It sounds like you have gone through a lot in your life. It’s ok to have these emotions but its not healthy to live in these emotions. I recommend that you seek a professional counsellor. You will never be able to trust until you can heal from your past. Can I connect you with one of our prayer mentors? Its free and confidential, please let me know if you would like one.
Sincerely,
Leah
Since I was a child I have been abused by everybody I thought ever loved me – my father would beat us, my mother emotionally abused me, my best friend molested me and took photos of me and placed them on the internet. What followed was years of abusive relationships where I was sexually, emotionally and physically abused endlessly. Every time I was with another person I thought it would be different and then after taking some time to get to know myself and have a break, I met a guy who was having a secret relationship with another girl while living with me and telling me to move to England with him. I am now engaged to another man and he has lied to me about some things, which perhaps if it were anyone else; they would not see it as such a big deal, but to me I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop – I’m waiting for him to leave, or cheat on me, and I am always convinced that he is unhappy with me even though he gives me no cause to think so and is very loving. I don’t know what to do. How do I begin to heal and learn to trust myself and my instincts again. I feel like all men are the same – they’re liars and are unable to tell the truth if their life depended on it. How will I ever be truly happy if I am always checking up on him?
I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years, and I’m having trust issues with my boyfriend. A couple months ago I found out he cheated on me with his ex. This happened to years prior to him confessing about it. A few months later I kissed one of his good friends and regretted it instantly and told him the nest day. We broke up for a while, but now we’re back together trying to work it out. But I still don’t trust him. I don’t trust that he’ll be honest with me if he messes up again because it took him so long to tell me about it the first time. But I love him, and I really don’t want to let go. What should I do?
Hi there, I have a very big problem of trusting my boyfriend. I have had bad relationships before and I am afraid I will get hurt again. My boyfriend loves being with his friends and is lately coming up with the idea to go abroad with them. He did not go to Amsterdam because I really got upset but is now thinking of going to Ayia Napa with the boys only…who are all single. I have been with him for 5 yrs now and he has never given me any reason not to trust him, however I am too afrai to let him be alone in certain places and with other single guys looking to have fun. Please help :(
I am in difficulty, i have been married for 12 years, 4 children. I thought we were good together. I am the strong dependable type, he finds emotions difficult and is not supportive( this is not his fault, learned behaviour) However i have always been suspicious (my nature) but something happened the other night which made watch him. He is not having an affair but i think he is secretly taking drugs. We struggle to make ends meet so this hurts. I really don’t know what to do. I have caught him out, he knows it but is still lying. I love him, but i now don’t know what to do. I have no energy left.
Hi my boyfriend has been texting his ex sexual things for the past year n has been asking her over and over to come visit him. We have talked many times about how uncomfortable I am with and how much it hurts me. Yet he continues about 2 weeks I was finally fed up and decided to leave. Instead though I’m trying to work through this he has promised once again to stop n changed his phone number. But I still have doubts n longer trust him. He told me numerous times before that would stop so what’s makes this time different. I really wanna work through this we have created a beautiful family and would hate to see it fall apart. How do I get the trust back? Sometimes I feel great like things will work out but then I start thinking about everything and get upset all over. I don’t know how to trust him again.
Catherine, I would be hesitant to trust him unless you have seen a significant change in him. People do and can change but they usually need help doing so. His track record has been lying to you and it may be a good idea for you to see a counselor together if you want to be with him for the long run. If you are interested in talking to one of our trained mentors at Power to change, please click here.
hey,
Here is my siuation.. i need advice. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years now and im havinh a diffucilt time tusting him. In Nov. he started to become distance, In april i started to get fed up not not seeing him so i tried to break it off numerous times, but he insisted he wants to be together. The entire month i didn’t see him then i saw that a girl tagged him in some pictures. In the pictures was him and other girl at the bar. his arm around her, picking her up, hugging her. So that was the deal breaker. We were broken up for months, i was with another guy and he was still with her. Mid June we started to see eachother again and everything was great! I noticed he was still talking to her, so i told him to stop or else i wouldn’t be with him, he said he would but really he didn’t. We were spending a lot of time together so im not sure when we was seeing her which conieved me that it was over. Then i check his reconds ( thats how i found out in the first place) and he was talkin to her as much as he was talking to me, so i decided to give her a call. She confirmed she was seeing him for 5 monts now (this was now in aug) which by the way we just became offical again. so of course i broke up him, he rushed over saying how much he loves me and wants to be with me and that he wont break up with me. So, that was in fact the end of them. But why did it take me to break them up? if he wanted her then why was he seeing me and why didn’t he just stay with her. So we’ve been together for the last 2 months now and its been great! we have been spending almost all day and night together, feels like our first year! so, in fact i know they are over but why do i still not trust him? i am scared that he will do this again.. can i trust him? i know he’s trying, i know he loves me and i know in fact he wants to be with me. I love him so much, that i am willing to take the risk, but this whole thing eats my insides and i cant stop dwelling. maybe because he hasn’t ommited anything, in fact i found everything out on my own. help! what do i do? how can i trust him and how do i just move on?
Nelli – I am sorry to hear that you were hurt. I wonder if he was in a bit of an impossible situation? As you mentioned, you could not go due to where you are in your pregnancy. But at the same time if he didn’t go to his own brother’s wedding that can cause a rift that never heals. He might have felt like he had no good option – whatever he did hurt someone. Did he talk to you about the wedding? Did you get a chance to talk about it afterward?
I understand that it’s a horrible feeling to be left behind, especially at the end of a pregnancy when your hormones are all over the place and you’re probably feeling nervous and unsettled about the surgery and the baby on the way. I would caution you against seeing this as an indication of how he feels about you. Talk to him.
My guess would be that he loves you very much but his options were limited. It wasn’t up to him whether he brought you or not – that was out of his hands, it wasn’t possible. It might not have been up to him whether he went to the wedding. Family can put a LOT of pressure on a person and that pressure triples when there’s a wedding. People go a little nutty. You are family too. Did he say anything about the wedding? I know that you would have preferred that he stay home with you, but a wedding is one of those events that people remember forever. It’s a big deal, even the parts that happen last minute. I’ll say it again: talk to him. It could be that he was at the wedding thinking of you and wishing you could be there with him. Don’t let this fester. Talk to him. Let him know how you feel and listen to how he is feeling. You guys are in for a huge week – your baby is coming! It’s a wonderful, exciting time. Don’t let this color that. You’re family now. You need to go into this surgery and into this new family united as a couple. If you get a chance once the baby is born, let me know how it went, and even though it’s a couple of days early CONGRATULATIONS!
“Why would he admit to it when he truthfully still felt like he hadn’t done anything wrong?” That’s a very good question Kellie. I don’t know your husband, so I can’t tell you what he’s thinking, but here are some possibilities. 1. He thought that if he confessed you’d “get over it”. 2. He didn’t think you’d believe him or take him seriously. 3. He thought he could confess and still avoid taking the blame. 4. He thought you would be grateful that he fessed up and that would patch things up. 5. He thought that confession was the same thing as repentance (it’s not). Admitting that I did something is NOT the same as agreeing that I should not have done it and am at fault.
It sounds like he is bargaining and trying to convince you that your view of what happened is incorrect. Rather than say “I’m sorry I hurt you when I slept with my ex” he’s saying “this is why I was justified in sleeping with her” or “this is why what I did is not a big deal”. He is not trying to address your feelings, he is simply arguing his side. It sounds like you are still bothered by this (understandably) and he is not that bothered by it so what you have here is a communication issue. It sounds like he either does not realize how badly he hurt you or he does not want to deal with how badly he hurt you. Neither behavior is going to lead to resolution. Have you considered seeing a counselor together to talk it through? If you want to talk to someone privately, we do have email mentors available. You can use this form to contact a mentor and we will respond, usually within a couple of days.
This has to be the deal breaker. He went to his brothers wedding without me today.. I couldn’t care less that I wasn’t invited, I’m 9 months pregnant having a cesarean in 4 days and wouldn’t have went anyway. He was given a few days notice and asked to be in the wedding when someone else backed out. Bottom line, how could he not bring me, how could he go without me. I guess it just shows how much he cares huh… anyway, I’m really hurt by it, but I hope it was worth it for him.
I have been married for several years now, in the beginning when we first started dating he had sex with his ex-wife. I was completely hurt and devestated but he managed to find a way to avoid accepting blame by telling me he didn’t k ow how I felt about him. I took it as my fault he did it. Over the year he would lie about everything even really ridiculous things and he never accepted blame for anything he did wrong, it was always someone elses fault. I finally sat down and told him of all my trust issues with him and it all started with him having sex with his ex-wife in the very beginning. He finally admitted to what he did and I felt like we were taking a step on the right direction. A few days later he started to deny it again he said we were not in any kind of relationship so he didn’t think he cheated or did anything wrong. Why would he admit to it when he truthfully still felt like he hadn’t done anything wrong? This has to be the one lie that will break me.
Tara – You can’t trust an addict. You really can’t. The only thing you can trust an addict to do is to use. I think you might be asking the wrong question, not ‘how can I trust him?’ but rather ‘how do I live with him?’ or ‘can I help him?’ or ‘is it safe for me to be here?’ Living with an addict is never easy, even when you really, truly love him. Maybe especially then. I would strongly urge you to get support for yourself. Nar-Anon is a group similar in format to Alcoholics Anonymous but for people who are affected by someone ELSE’S addiction. You can find a meeting near you on their site.
Addicts lie, it’s part of their illness. The solution here is not learning how to trust a liar, it’s either getting him the help he needs to break his addiction or getting you the help you need to deal with his addiction. You don’t have to be alone in this. Getting help does not mean that you love your husband any less, it means you are fighting to keep your marriage together, you’re willing to do the work to make this marriage work. If you would like to talk to someone about this privately as well, you can use this form to contact a mentor and someone will respond to you through email in the next few days. I really hope that you take the step to contact Nar Anon. I know it’s not easy. But you’ve already done step 1 – you talked about it here and that can’t have been easy either. You’ve reached out which is brave and loving and honorable. Please reach out again. Let them help.
What if the trust isn’t because of an affair but because the person is a drug addict? My husband hides his drug use and contacts and then lies to me about them. He constantly tells me he’s stopped and then uses again. How am I ever supposed to trust him? I’m constantly wondering and on edge if he’s using at any given moment and then he says he has to use because i’m so miserable to be around. I wouldn’t be so miserable if he wasn’t constantly lying to me. Any advice on how I can learn to deal with this?
Hi Claire,
I have trust issues with my boyfriend of 2 years now. Since the very begining of our relationship we decided to try and make this work because i got pregnant. After i had the baby i found out he cheated on me while i was 2 months pregnant and during my pregnancy we fought constantly because his friends were more important. It was rough but i was strong i pictured us a family, i didnt want it to end before the baby was even here. In the past year after i had my daughter we split up 5x. We recently got back together in July and he seemed to change his ways and has been spending time with me and the baby something i always wanted “Our Family”. However, in the past we never seemed to last more than 2-3 months together at a time. He goes out and put himself in situations where i cant trust him or the girls out there because i know how easy it is to cheat, if he did it while i was pregnant he’ll do it again. Is my way of thinking wrong? he said thats the past ,that he loves me and wants a family when i feel like giving up he still there trying. Should i trust what he says? I know he can be a great guy and i dont want to lose him
Hi Nelli,
I talked to our mentor co-ordinator and she has reassigned you to another mentor. I’ve sent you an email privately with the details.
I wonder if he is simply not seeing how deeply you’ve been hurt by his lies? Yes it’s in the past, but even if you have forgiven him that does not remove the consequences of his actions. He has given you no reason to trust him and as you’ve found right now you don’t. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him it just means that your trust has been broken. I do believe it can be fixed but that only happens when you work through it, not when one partner decides that ‘you should be over it by now’. This is going to take work. My best advice is still to see a counselor if you can. A counselor can sit down with both of you and get to the root of why he lied and how he can move past this behavior in the future.
Forgiveness is important, but setting yourself up to be hurt again is not in your best interest, or your baby’s. You are clearly upset – you’re up in the middle of the night. It is a lot of stress on top of everything else. You’re pregnant which means your emotions are probably all over the place too. No one gets to tell you how long it takes to “get over it” – that’s something only you can decide. You want to be together, that’s good. But just saying “trust me now” isn’t going to fix this. He needs to show you over time that is trustworthy by not lying, by being where he says he’ll be, by participating in the life of your child. I am so sorry that this is keeping you up at night, but I’m glad you’re here. I hope we can help. Please let me know if you have not heard from your new mentor by Saturday.
Hi Claire, your advice helped. I showed my boyfriend my post so he would see that I am trying to keep us together instead of walk away, like I feel I should. He has lied about more than the dog, but won’t come out and say it, although I already know. I’m waiting for the truth, but hearing him say it won’t help either…. he was happy you stated we could make this work, but failed to see why I’m questioning and wondering all the time. He feels if its past then I should get over it, but I’m not that type to forgive n forget n let u do it again… I’m sorry but I’m just so upset, and just hurt. It’s after 4am and I’m up thinking about this, so it goes to show… The mentor never contacted me, please ask them again.
Hi therock77 – when you say “physical altercations” does that mean that hit you? Or were you referring to something else? If he was violent with you loving him might not be a good enough reason to allow him back into your life. Violence in a relationship rarely happens just one time. If he’s getting help for his anger issues, that’s great, but he needs to be better, not just working on it before he’s safe to be around again. Even then you need to be really, really careful.
I am not a counselor, but it sounds to me like your issue with trust could be two fold: part of it could be coming from yourself and your own experiences while you were going through a divorce and the other part could be because this man has given you a reason not to trust him.
Because you specifically asked for help, I’m going to send your request to our mentoring team. You’ll hear from one of them in the next few days and they should be able to help you better than I can. Sometimes we love a person we can’t be with, I hope that’s not the case for you, but I trust that your mentor will be able to walk through this with you.
Hi Lee,
I’m glad you haven’t cheated on her and I can understand that you don’t like being questioned, but can you see why nelli is feeling insecure in your relationship? As you said yourself, you lied about the dog, now from her perspective she can’t automatically trust you so she has to ask. I would guess that she doesn’t like questioning you either but from where she’s standing you haven’t left her any other option. Trust lost CAN be rebuilt but it takes time.
You are having a baby together and it sounds like this is a relationship that you both want to stay in, it just needs a little help. Have you considered going to see a counselor together? A counselor can help you work through a rough patch so you come out of it together with your relationship stronger than ever. Think of the family you came from, think about the family that you want your baby to be born into. A counselor can work with you to restore your relationship to a wonderful place.
I don’t know either of you, I don’t know what your relationship is like, only you and Nelli know that, but I do know that you are both asking excellent questions which is a great sign. It sounds like things were really great before and with some work, they can be again. Often when we’re questioning our partner a lot it comes from a place of fear and uncertainty and a desire to know that we can trust what we’re being told. It’s often a defense mechanism when we’ve been hurt. I don’t know why you lied about the dog, but Nelli has been hurt by that. I’m sure it’s more complicated than that, issues in relationships are rarely one sided. But if you want her to stop asking you, you need to prove to her that she can trust you, earn the right to be trusted. Show her by your words and actions that she is the woman you want and that you have no need to after someone else because the one you want is right there, and she’s carrying your child.
It’s going to take a little time, but this is fixable. I’ll say to you the same thing I said to Nelli, this is complicated and if you’d like to talk to someone privately, I can set up a mentor for you (and yes, we match mentors based on gender so you would be talking to another guy). I strongly encourage you to see a counselor together, I think it could really help. You can find a list of counselors in the US here and counselors in Canada here. Ok wow this comment got a little long, I hope it helps.
Hello Claire my name is lee I’m nellies boy friend I’ve read your comments you are very good now to our problem I’m a person who was built on family and trying to help others I haves lied about having a dog but o never cheated on her but I’m getting tired of always bein questioned when I come home
Hi Nelli – I have sent your question off to our mentoring co-ordinator. You should hear from your mentor in the next few days.
Hello, i am in a difficult situation. I was going through my divorce, and i met a guy that i thought was great, we had several physical altercations. We have resolved these and he is getting counseling for his anger, but while we were fighting,i asked him to leave my home and he slept over different peoples houses. I do not know these people, but i have heard crazy rumors about him having sex with several women. I confronted him about it and he said that he did stay over some guy friends and he would introduce me to all of them, that he loved me and just becuase our relationship had started off the way it did i am the best thing that happened to him. But my gut does not trust him at all. This man has cried at my feet telling me that he has done nothing, his best friend told me that he does not know if he ever did cheat, but he can say he has flirted in the past. But he cannot say if he cheated or not. His friend also told me that my boyfriend loves me very much. But my gut tells me not to trust him, and i ask him evreyday, and evreyday he tells me, that he loves me and i just need to get over it, that i need to just trust him, like he trusts me. I dont know i love him to death we have been together 11 months. I want to have a life with him, but when ever i see a woman i get so angry so quickly and i ask him if he was looking, most of the times he was not looking at all. This is really bothering me, do i not trust him becuase i cheated on my ex-husband as we were getting a divorce? Or do i not trust him because he cheated with me. Please help me, i love him. Also when i met him he was homeless, and had no job. I housed him, helped him get a job and got him enrolled in school. He is still not living with me, but i want to ask him to come back since i am moving to a new apartment. He is 4 years younger than me, and i have children, he has none. Also their was some physical altercations between both of us, but like i said he is getting anger classes. So do i trust him? Or is it that i am just insecure?
Mientras le gritas a tu mujer hay un hombre deseando hablarle al oido. Mientras humillas, ofendes, insultas y degradas a tu mujer hay un hombre cortejándola y recordándole que es una gran mujer. Mientras violentas a tu mujer hay hombre deseando hacerle el amor. Mientras haces llorar a tu mujer hay un hombre que le roba sonrisas.
While you shout at your woman there is a man desiring to speak in her ear. While you humiliate, offend, insult and degrade your woman there is a man courting her and reminding her that is a great woman. While you get violent with your woman there is man desiring to make love to her. While you cause your woman to cry, there is a man that’s stealing her smiles.
Yes Claire, please set that up for me. Please
Nelli – would you like to talk to one of our mentors? It sounds like you’re in a complicated situation and a mentor can help you better than I can. If that sounds like something you’d like to try, just comment back here and I’ll set it up. Your mentor would contact you by email, and you can email back and forth as long as you like – there is never a fee. You’re dealing with a lot – you don’t have to do this alone. Let me know if you’d like to try mentoring.
Caroline – some men are weak, not all. Some women are too. I have known heroes and cowards, nice guys and villains. If your experience is one of weakness, it might be time to meet some new men :)
Please help. I have a boyfriend I love but can’t trust. He claims I’m always wrong for feeling this way, but I trust myself and my feelins more than him, so I’m not convinced. He’s lied about the smallest things, so why should I believe him on the bigger issues? I’m 8 months pregnant, tired of crying and want the family he promised me. I just want us to be happy… but how when I can’t trust him and can’t get over past things we’ve gon through?
Men are weak.
Nanette,
My best advice would be for both the husband and the wife to see a martial counselor. Trust does not magically reappear when someone says “I’m sorry”. It takes work, and that work happens on both sides. First each partner would have to seriously ask if they want to save the marriage. If the answer is yes, I believe it can be saved. I have seen marriages come back from things that seem insurmountable. But it cannot be said enough, it takes work and it takes time which is where a counselor can be invaluable. Chances are good that neither the husband nor the wife knows what to do to fix this. The counselor can walk them through it.
When we get married, we promise “for better, for worse” this is the worse part. It’s not easy, but I promise you that getting divorced is harder. It can be overwhelming and it can feel impossible but if both parties genuinely want to save the marriage it CAN be done.
If the husband wants to be trusted, he needs to prove that he is trust-worthy. He needs to stay away from this woman and remove himself from whichever context they met in. If she’s a work colleague, he may need to change jobs. Yes, it’s a drastic move, but when you’re trying to save a marriage you have to do what it takes. It is not going to be the way it was right away, but they can get back to it or to a place that’s even better. If you know these people Nannette let them know that we have email mentors available 24/7 who can help. They can contact a mentor using this form.
Maybe the husband needs to admit the truth of the matter – that it was an emotional affair! There needs to be genuine repentance before her & God. Without honesty from the ground up there can be no trust. He also needs to “show” her that this relationship is, in fact, over for good. Only the two of them would know how this could be accomplished, but I’m sure it could be. If she really loves him & is committed to her marriage, then forgiveness on her part is a must.(I don’t see how any of this can be done without a true commitment to God through His Son Jesus Christ). It would be a shame to go through the terrible pain & heartache of divorce when God is wanting to bring healing & wholeness to both of them & their marriage. It can be better than ever, believe me!
25 years of marriage out which in after 15 years husband develope emotional affair with a friend hidden from wife. almost a year now that wife has broken the truth of what she knew and proposed separation. Wife cannot trust him as she used to. Husband begs to trust him back and affair was just friendship. Wife cannot trust him back. Your comments???
This article gives really good tips. if you really have a problem with trust in partner this would help some cause it helped me .