Comments on: Do You Trust Him? http://powertochange.com Mon, 04 Jun 2012 18:19:01 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: <span class='mentorBadge' title='Claire Colvin is an official Power to Change mentor.' >Claire Colvin</span> http://powertochange.com/sex-love/trust/comment-page-2/#comment-1430731 Claire Colvin Tue, 29 May 2012 20:57:56 +0000 http://thelife.com/#comment-1430731 Uncertain, I can understand why you'd have some questions about this. It sounds like you were in open/not monogamous relationship when he spent time with this other woman so I would imagine that from his perspective it wasn't cheating because the two of you had not promised to be exclusive, but I can understand how it would feel like a betrayal from your perspective. You need to talk to him. Find a time win you are both calm and well rested and have some private, uninterrupted time and tell him how you feel. Ask him if the relationship continued past the point where you became an exclusive couple and go from there. If you don't talk to him you're going to treat him as if he cheated and he's not going to understand why. It's going to be hard to sort this out in your head, but if you agreed to an open relationship then he has done nothing wrong in sleeping with someone else. That's probably going to feel wrong, and there's a good reason for that. Sex is supposed to bond people together. That's part of the purpose of it on a biological level. We're told that we're supposed to be okay with casual sex, but sex was never meant to be casual. Running into an old friend at the grocery store and chatting, that's casual. Taking off your clothes and inviting someone into your body is always intimate, whether or not you have an established relationship with that person. So what happens now? You really need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel but also be prepared to listen. Try to remember that you said this was okay. That doesn't mean that you can't change your mind - it sounds like you are not okay with it now - but it does mean that you can't be angry with him for doing something that you said was okay. You need to talk about the future and how you'd like things to be going forward. You need to ask him if he's been with this girl since you became exclusive. You asked how to begin, which is an excellent question. Begin by confessing your own feelings. Tell him that you feel bad because you've held your feelings back from him and that you haven't been honest. Tell him how much you love him and how you want to talk about this because you know it's not fair for you to be thinking these things and not give him a chance to respond. If you start with what you've done wrong you won't put him on the defensive right away. It will remind him that you are in this thing together. From there you can move into asking him about his behaviour. If you don't address this situation it will poison your relationship. I would also urge you to take a close look at your own attitudes toward sex. It sounds like you expected to be okay with casual sex but have found that in practice, casual sex hurts. Sex was never meant to be a throwaway experience. It's supposed to be part of a very long term relationship, a marriage. It's a pretty common idea these days to think that sex can be just for fun, but the reality is often quite different. <a href="http://powertochange.com/sex-love/sex/" rel="nofollow">Take a look at this article</a> and see if it resonates for you. Uncertain, I can understand why you’d have some questions about this. It sounds like you were in open/not monogamous relationship when he spent time with this other woman so I would imagine that from his perspective it wasn’t cheating because the two of you had not promised to be exclusive, but I can understand how it would feel like a betrayal from your perspective. You need to talk to him. Find a time win you are both calm and well rested and have some private, uninterrupted time and tell him how you feel. Ask him if the relationship continued past the point where you became an exclusive couple and go from there. If you don’t talk to him you’re going to treat him as if he cheated and he’s not going to understand why.

It’s going to be hard to sort this out in your head, but if you agreed to an open relationship then he has done nothing wrong in sleeping with someone else. That’s probably going to feel wrong, and there’s a good reason for that. Sex is supposed to bond people together. That’s part of the purpose of it on a biological level. We’re told that we’re supposed to be okay with casual sex, but sex was never meant to be casual. Running into an old friend at the grocery store and chatting, that’s casual. Taking off your clothes and inviting someone into your body is always intimate, whether or not you have an established relationship with that person.

So what happens now?

You really need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel but also be prepared to listen. Try to remember that you said this was okay. That doesn’t mean that you can’t change your mind – it sounds like you are not okay with it now – but it does mean that you can’t be angry with him for doing something that you said was okay. You need to talk about the future and how you’d like things to be going forward. You need to ask him if he’s been with this girl since you became exclusive.

You asked how to begin, which is an excellent question. Begin by confessing your own feelings. Tell him that you feel bad because you’ve held your feelings back from him and that you haven’t been honest. Tell him how much you love him and how you want to talk about this because you know it’s not fair for you to be thinking these things and not give him a chance to respond. If you start with what you’ve done wrong you won’t put him on the defensive right away. It will remind him that you are in this thing together. From there you can move into asking him about his behaviour. If you don’t address this situation it will poison your relationship.

I would also urge you to take a close look at your own attitudes toward sex. It sounds like you expected to be okay with casual sex but have found that in practice, casual sex hurts. Sex was never meant to be a throwaway experience. It’s supposed to be part of a very long term relationship, a marriage. It’s a pretty common idea these days to think that sex can be just for fun, but the reality is often quite different. Take a look at this article and see if it resonates for you.

]]> By: Uncertain http://powertochange.com/sex-love/trust/comment-page-2/#comment-1429391 Uncertain Tue, 29 May 2012 15:19:13 +0000 http://thelife.com/#comment-1429391 I am in a relationship and I'm struggling with trust issues. I have never experienced this before, but like many people I do have my own insecurities and failings, one of which is I have a very hard time bringing up issues with people I care about that address my dissapointment or unhappiness with the relationship. It's basically a fear of abandonment or rejection. In the case of my boyfriend and I there that have occurred that I left unsaid. For example when we first began dating we were dating other people, and that was a known. As our relationship deepened it occurred during a time when he moved away and I suggested we keep seeing other people. But our feelings were growing deeper. Normally he would say things like "Bobby's coming to visit", but I knew when he'd say "a friend" he meant a female friend. This could have been purely platonic (I do believe that's possible) or it could have been intimate. But it felt to me like it became a code and I never challenged it or brought it up. During this time there was one particular "friend" who visited him and he avoided pronouns and saying her name. But I knew who it was. I should have said something then - cleared it and created the pattern for how we could talk about these things. But I didn't. Within 3 days of her visit she posted photos to his Facebook site. So I thought "ok - now we can talk about it" and then he removed them within the hour. And I think that hurt more than anything ever. I literally felt like my heart was breaking. I had come to believe they were lovers already and I was working on how to process that, and it hurt a tiny bit. But nothing hurt like what seemed to be his attempt to cover it up. And we were still in an open phase. I hurt deeply and never told him. In part because I felt like I hadn't been honest in the beginning and secondly because I was so hurt and angry I was afraid I'd say some pretty awful things in self defense. So I shut up and shut down. 2 months later he returned to our hometown and I'd healed a bit, and we resumed dating - this time monogomously, but I never brought up the topic. He has remained friends with that woman and he now talks about her more openly with me, but I have never met her. It's been 10 months now and I still don't trust him. Small things make me suspicious and angry. I don't think he knows the connection, but as our relationship progresses I'm stupidly holding on to something I need to address and I don't know how. I love him - the him I know, the one he let's me see. But because of that instance I don't know if I fully know him and I don't know if we are fully on the same page. How can I begin this conversation? I am in a relationship and I’m struggling with trust issues. I have never experienced this before, but like many people I do have my own insecurities and failings, one of which is I have a very hard time bringing up issues with people I care about that address my dissapointment or unhappiness with the relationship. It’s basically a fear of abandonment or rejection.
In the case of my boyfriend and I there that have occurred that I left unsaid. For example when we first began dating we were dating other people, and that was a known. As our relationship deepened it occurred during a time when he moved away and I suggested we keep seeing other people. But our feelings were growing deeper. Normally he would say things like “Bobby’s coming to visit”, but I knew when he’d say “a friend” he meant a female friend. This could have been purely platonic (I do believe that’s possible) or it could have been intimate. But it felt to me like it became a code and I never challenged it or brought it up. During this time there was one particular “friend” who visited him and he avoided pronouns and saying her name. But I knew who it was. I should have said something then – cleared it and created the pattern for how we could talk about these things. But I didn’t. Within 3 days of her visit she posted photos to his Facebook site. So I thought “ok – now we can talk about it” and then he removed them within the hour. And I think that hurt more than anything ever. I literally felt like my heart was breaking. I had come to believe they were lovers already and I was working on how to process that, and it hurt a tiny bit. But nothing hurt like what seemed to be his attempt to cover it up. And we were still in an open phase. I hurt deeply and never told him. In part because I felt like I hadn’t been honest in the beginning and secondly because I was so hurt and angry I was afraid I’d say some pretty awful things in self defense. So I shut up and shut down.
2 months later he returned to our hometown and I’d healed a bit, and we resumed dating – this time monogomously, but I never brought up the topic. He has remained friends with that woman and he now talks about her more openly with me, but I have never met her. It’s been 10 months now and I still don’t trust him. Small things make me suspicious and angry. I don’t think he knows the connection, but as our relationship progresses I’m stupidly holding on to something I need to address and I don’t know how.
I love him – the him I know, the one he let’s me see. But because of that instance I don’t know if I fully know him and I don’t know if we are fully on the same page.
How can I begin this conversation?

]]> By: <span class='mentorBadge' title='Claire Colvin is an official Power to Change mentor.' >Claire Colvin</span> http://powertochange.com/sex-love/trust/comment-page-2/#comment-949791 Claire Colvin Mon, 02 Apr 2012 16:20:22 +0000 http://thelife.com/#comment-949791 Taroko, I am so sorry that you are going through this but it sounds like you have made the right decision in moving out. You have made your expectations very clear and time and again he has not done what he said he would do. You asked, "Did he consider his right to drink over our relationship?" To a certain extent, yes. He knew that he was putting the relationship in danger if he continued to drink and he did it anyway. Which probably means one of two things, either 1. He didn't think you'd really leave and so it was safe to drink or 2. He is addicted to alcohol and the addiction made the decision for him. I think that for the time being you have to stay away. If you come back while he's still drinking he has no reason to change his behaviour even though he is a danger to himself, and potentially to others. If he is ready and willing to change there are programs that can help him get control of his life back. Until he does that I think you're going to find him very hard to live with. He is going to keep breaking your trust until he addresses his problem with alcohol. So what do you do next? I think you need to talk to him and be very, very clear. Tell him that you love him but that you cannot live with him while he's drinking. Tell him that you know he's tried to change on his own but that it hasn't worked, and him telling you that he's going to try again is not enough any more. Let him know that if he's willing to take his drinking seriously and get help then you'll stand by him while he does the work to get sober (although you won't be able to live with him during this time). Make sure he understands that it's a choice between you and the drinking, he can't have both. What kind of future could you build if he's going to keep doing this? Taroko, I am so sorry that you are going through this but it sounds like you have made the right decision in moving out. You have made your expectations very clear and time and again he has not done what he said he would do. You asked, “Did he consider his right to drink over our relationship?” To a certain extent, yes. He knew that he was putting the relationship in danger if he continued to drink and he did it anyway. Which probably means one of two things, either 1. He didn’t think you’d really leave and so it was safe to drink or 2. He is addicted to alcohol and the addiction made the decision for him.

I think that for the time being you have to stay away. If you come back while he’s still drinking he has no reason to change his behaviour even though he is a danger to himself, and potentially to others. If he is ready and willing to change there are programs that can help him get control of his life back. Until he does that I think you’re going to find him very hard to live with. He is going to keep breaking your trust until he addresses his problem with alcohol.

So what do you do next? I think you need to talk to him and be very, very clear. Tell him that you love him but that you cannot live with him while he’s drinking. Tell him that you know he’s tried to change on his own but that it hasn’t worked, and him telling you that he’s going to try again is not enough any more. Let him know that if he’s willing to take his drinking seriously and get help then you’ll stand by him while he does the work to get sober (although you won’t be able to live with him during this time). Make sure he understands that it’s a choice between you and the drinking, he can’t have both. What kind of future could you build if he’s going to keep doing this?

]]> By: Taroko http://powertochange.com/sex-love/trust/comment-page-2/#comment-922571 Taroko Sat, 31 Mar 2012 01:04:52 +0000 http://thelife.com/#comment-922571 Trust is so important. I am in a position, my boyfriend was probably a functioning alcoholic/binge drinker/alcohol abuser when I met him. I had nearly ended at the first few months when I began to realise. He was never voilent or emotionally abusive, just in denial i think. Then one night he was out after work until rhe earl hours and suffered a traumatic brain injury at the hands of another. We don't really know what happened that night and he doesn't remember. I stayed with him, I tried to help his recovery, it was a struggle for me and for him. But there was no length i wouldnt go to try and help. He promises never to drink again etc. He recovered well thankfully. A few months after I discovered one day returning home early from work, he was drunk in the living room in the middle of the day. I put my foot down and left. After much pleading and promises, I came back. He promises to keep to National health guidelines, but that didn't always happen. He could stay alcohol free for long periods of time, but very so often he'd fly off again. Not often just a few times. I believe he is trying. Then the other night, he goes out to meet a friend and dissappears until morning. He said he missed the last train home, if wasnt his fault and to save money he waited until morning and his phone ran out of batteries. Suffice to say I can't not trust him. He considers drinking as a right, that it is socially required. I don't mind a drink or two with friends in a social setting... I can understand that. But that was it for me. I moved out. He is pleading with me again. The trust is completely gone. I love him and we had hopes and dreams together. I can't understand why when you love someone do you do things break the trust? Did he consider his right to drink over our relationship? We had tried to build trust in the interim between slip ups. But each time it is broken. I am at a loss about what to do next. Can someone please help me with some perspective? Trust is so important. I am in a position, my boyfriend was probably a functioning alcoholic/binge drinker/alcohol abuser when I met him. I had nearly ended at the first few months when I began to realise. He was never voilent or emotionally abusive, just in denial i think. Then one night he was out after work until rhe earl hours and suffered a traumatic brain injury at the hands of another. We don’t really know what happened that night and he doesn’t remember. I stayed with him, I tried to help his recovery, it was a struggle for me and for him. But there was no length i wouldnt go to try and help. He promises never to drink again etc. He recovered well thankfully. A few months after I discovered one day returning home early from work, he was drunk in the living room in the middle of the day. I put my foot down and left. After much pleading and promises, I came back. He promises to keep to National health guidelines, but that didn’t always happen. He could stay alcohol free for long periods of time, but very so often he’d fly off again. Not often just a few times. I believe he is trying. Then the other night, he goes out to meet a friend and dissappears until morning. He said he missed the last train home, if wasnt his fault and to save money he waited until morning and his phone ran out of batteries. Suffice to say I can’t not trust him. He considers drinking as a right, that it is socially required. I don’t mind a drink or two with friends in a social setting… I can understand that. But that was it for me. I moved out. He is pleading with me again. The trust is completely gone. I love him and we had hopes and dreams together. I can’t understand why when you love someone do you do things break the trust? Did he consider his right to drink over our relationship? We had tried to build trust in the interim between slip ups. But each time it is broken. I am at a loss about what to do next. Can someone please help me with some perspective?

]]> By: <span class='mentorBadge' title='Claire Colvin is an official Power to Change mentor.' >Claire Colvin</span> http://powertochange.com/sex-love/trust/comment-page-2/#comment-788352 Claire Colvin Fri, 16 Mar 2012 18:16:40 +0000 http://thelife.com/#comment-788352 Hanya, I think you know what the logical thing to do it you're just having a hard time with actually doing it. If I'm reading your comment correctly, your boyfriend has cheated on you the entire time you've been together. Why would you want to be with someone who cannot be faithful to you? You said that the relationship is very painful, I can only imagine how painful it must be. I know that you have been with him for a year, and it could be that you love him (you didn't mention that in your comment) but I think you need to decide what you want and what you're willing to put up with. Fidelity is a very core need for the vast majority of people. I have seen couples who are able to put an affair behind them, but from what you've written this one has gone on so long I'm not sure what you would be holding on to if you did save it. You asked if all men are the same? No, they're not. You said that it feels like your boyfriend does not care about your feelings - that is exactly the opposite of what a relationship is supposed to be like. A partner - whether that's a boyfriend or a husband - is supposed to be there to support you, just as you are supposed to support him. He's supposed to be on your side, to have your back. It's supposed to be better together. It sounds like you find yourself in a very unhealthy relationship. What to do is your decision, but if I found myself in your situation I would end the relationship. I know that it's scary to think of being alone, but I promise that it's better than being in a relationship that just isn't working. You sound so unhappy. You're not married, you can walk away. That's part of what dating is supposed to do - it's there to see if this is the relationship that can last forever. I think you've got your answer on this one. Maybe not you're not quite ready to say it out loud yet, but I think that in your heart you already know that it's time. Hanya, I think you know what the logical thing to do it you’re just having a hard time with actually doing it. If I’m reading your comment correctly, your boyfriend has cheated on you the entire time you’ve been together. Why would you want to be with someone who cannot be faithful to you? You said that the relationship is very painful, I can only imagine how painful it must be. I know that you have been with him for a year, and it could be that you love him (you didn’t mention that in your comment) but I think you need to decide what you want and what you’re willing to put up with. Fidelity is a very core need for the vast majority of people. I have seen couples who are able to put an affair behind them, but from what you’ve written this one has gone on so long I’m not sure what you would be holding on to if you did save it.

You asked if all men are the same? No, they’re not. You said that it feels like your boyfriend does not care about your feelings – that is exactly the opposite of what a relationship is supposed to be like. A partner – whether that’s a boyfriend or a husband – is supposed to be there to support you, just as you are supposed to support him. He’s supposed to be on your side, to have your back. It’s supposed to be better together. It sounds like you find yourself in a very unhealthy relationship. What to do is your decision, but if I found myself in your situation I would end the relationship. I know that it’s scary to think of being alone, but I promise that it’s better than being in a relationship that just isn’t working. You sound so unhappy. You’re not married, you can walk away. That’s part of what dating is supposed to do – it’s there to see if this is the relationship that can last forever. I think you’ve got your answer on this one. Maybe not you’re not quite ready to say it out loud yet, but I think that in your heart you already know that it’s time.

]]> By: Hanya http://powertochange.com/sex-love/trust/comment-page-2/#comment-786169 Hanya Fri, 16 Mar 2012 07:22:06 +0000 http://thelife.com/#comment-786169 Hi, I am in a relationship since 2 years approx. My boy friend had one girl friend before which I was aware of but still we started up when he said he is out of that affair now but just after around 1 year of our relationship I found that he is still in touch with her and she is nt aware of his affair with me as well, so tha situation was like 2 parallel affairs. I just thought to split as there was no good reason to continue the same. Then after several talks I decided to give him the chance to apologize. Need less to say this was very painful for me but stilll... Now, after 1 year I am still not able to trust him as he has that flirt element in his nature and sometimes he sounds very mysterious.Every moment I feel that insecurity in me for for him. I cant explain how painful this relationship has becomes for me. And also I don't like few more things in him like saying sorry for a thing and repeating it again and again. He just thinks sorry is the word to heal all bloody pains in this world and just not care for my feelings . Is it because all men are same or what ? what should I do. ? I m really messed up ............................ Hi,

I am in a relationship since 2 years approx. My boy friend had one girl friend before which I was aware of but still we started up when he said he is out of that affair now but just after around 1 year of our relationship I found that he is still in touch with her and she is nt aware of his affair with me as well, so tha situation was like 2 parallel affairs. I just thought to split as there was no good reason to continue the same. Then after several talks I decided to give him the chance to apologize. Need less to say this was very painful for me but stilll… Now, after 1 year I am still not able to trust him as he has that flirt element in his nature and sometimes he sounds very mysterious.Every moment I feel that insecurity in me for for him. I cant explain how painful this relationship has becomes for me. And also I don’t like few more things in him like saying sorry for a thing and repeating it again and again. He just thinks sorry is the word to heal all bloody pains in this world and just not care for my feelings . Is it because all men are same or what ? what should I do. ? I m really messed up ……………………….

]]> By: <span class='mentorBadge' title='Claire Colvin is an official Power to Change mentor.' >Claire Colvin</span> http://powertochange.com/sex-love/trust/comment-page-2/#comment-747914 Claire Colvin Mon, 05 Mar 2012 19:19:26 +0000 http://thelife.com/#comment-747914 Sasa, From what you've said here it sounds a bit like you are sabotaging your own relationship. You said that you broke up with him the first time because of this woman who kept commenting on his Facebook posts. My question is, was he commenting back? If he wasn't, then you've punished him for something that he did not do. Your boyfriend is not responsible for another person's thoughts, feelings or actions. This other person was making the comments, but unless he was constantly commenting back to her, he didn't actually do anything. If it bothered you, and I can see why it would, a better course of action would have been to talk to him about the situation and ask him if this was a person that he still wanted to have in his life. Maybe her comments were bothering him just as much as they were bothering you? You also mentioned breaking up with him because your friend said that he seemed annoyed with you. If that's where you've set the bar for this relationship then I think you're going to have a very hard time staying in it. I think that you have set an unrealistic expectation for this relationship. No one on the the planet is going to be able to be with you and never, ever be annoyed with you. We're human. Spend enough time together and you'll get annoyed. Spend enough time together and you'll do something annoying. Great love doesn't come from perfection. Great love happens when two people care about each other enough to take care of each other and to work through the bad things that are going to happen. I can see from your comment that you've been hurt before and this hurt has made you cautious, maybe even a little suspicious. But I think that the bigger issue here is that you've developed a "one strike and you're out" standard. In what you've said here you have not ever given your boyfriend a chance to explain, or even to apologize, you've just ended the relationship without so much as a conversation. What if you had gone to your boyfriend and simply asked, "Are you annoyed with me?" He might have told you that he was tired, he might have said yes and then apologized or he might have pointed out something that you did that hurt him and given you a chance to make things right. If you cut and run at the first sign of anything less than perfection it's going to be a very very short relationship. I think that you need to decide what it is that you want. If you want to be in a relationship (either with this guy or with someone else) then you're going to have to give up some of this control that you're clinging to so tightly. If you're going to be together, you have to talk. Some of those conversations will be uncomfortable, but it will be a lot better than breaking up. You mentioned that it seems like your boyfriend doesn't want to spend as much time with you. You've broken up with him twice already - maybe he thinks that you don't want to spend much time with him and he's trying to protect himself from what's coming? You said that you are "open to the possibilities of love" - are you really? You need to decide which is more important - the chance at love or doing everything you can to avoid being hurt. Love is a risk. To really be open to it you need to stop looking for the door and start focussing on the person you're with. If this relationship is worth a shot, then give it a real chance. If it isn't, then stop the break-up, make-up cycle and walk away. Sasa, From what you’ve said here it sounds a bit like you are sabotaging your own relationship. You said that you broke up with him the first time because of this woman who kept commenting on his Facebook posts. My question is, was he commenting back? If he wasn’t, then you’ve punished him for something that he did not do. Your boyfriend is not responsible for another person’s thoughts, feelings or actions. This other person was making the comments, but unless he was constantly commenting back to her, he didn’t actually do anything. If it bothered you, and I can see why it would, a better course of action would have been to talk to him about the situation and ask him if this was a person that he still wanted to have in his life. Maybe her comments were bothering him just as much as they were bothering you?

You also mentioned breaking up with him because your friend said that he seemed annoyed with you. If that’s where you’ve set the bar for this relationship then I think you’re going to have a very hard time staying in it. I think that you have set an unrealistic expectation for this relationship. No one on the the planet is going to be able to be with you and never, ever be annoyed with you. We’re human. Spend enough time together and you’ll get annoyed. Spend enough time together and you’ll do something annoying. Great love doesn’t come from perfection. Great love happens when two people care about each other enough to take care of each other and to work through the bad things that are going to happen.

I can see from your comment that you’ve been hurt before and this hurt has made you cautious, maybe even a little suspicious. But I think that the bigger issue here is that you’ve developed a “one strike and you’re out” standard. In what you’ve said here you have not ever given your boyfriend a chance to explain, or even to apologize, you’ve just ended the relationship without so much as a conversation. What if you had gone to your boyfriend and simply asked, “Are you annoyed with me?” He might have told you that he was tired, he might have said yes and then apologized or he might have pointed out something that you did that hurt him and given you a chance to make things right. If you cut and run at the first sign of anything less than perfection it’s going to be a very very short relationship.

I think that you need to decide what it is that you want. If you want to be in a relationship (either with this guy or with someone else) then you’re going to have to give up some of this control that you’re clinging to so tightly. If you’re going to be together, you have to talk. Some of those conversations will be uncomfortable, but it will be a lot better than breaking up. You mentioned that it seems like your boyfriend doesn’t want to spend as much time with you. You’ve broken up with him twice already – maybe he thinks that you don’t want to spend much time with him and he’s trying to protect himself from what’s coming?

You said that you are “open to the possibilities of love” – are you really? You need to decide which is more important – the chance at love or doing everything you can to avoid being hurt. Love is a risk. To really be open to it you need to stop looking for the door and start focussing on the person you’re with. If this relationship is worth a shot, then give it a real chance. If it isn’t, then stop the break-up, make-up cycle and walk away.

]]> By: sasa http://powertochange.com/sex-love/trust/comment-page-2/#comment-742803 sasa Sat, 03 Mar 2012 19:44:08 +0000 http://thelife.com/#comment-742803 Hello, I am currently involved in a relationship that only began in January. I am having a hard time trusting him as I've been hurt lots of times. I am so insecure, I've noticed a lady on his FB that kept commenting or liking his post and in a drunken stooper I decided to break up with him accusing him of seeing her only to make up with him in the morning. He later said he doesnt like her. I have also broke up with him because one of my good friends said he seemed annoyed with me one day and I thought maybe he is and maybe it will not work so I broke up with him only to make up with a few days later. He is a very nice, sweet, cool and smart person. We are still getting to know each other so I dont know him that well as its only been a few months. I've noticed that the first month or so of the relationship he seemed to want to text me a lot more, and tell me how much he likes me and that he wants to see me but lately its more me who is doing these sweet things and it seems like he is just doing things to make me feel ok. We also hung out a lot more and things have winded down the last few weeks but we have still hung out together but only at his house or my house. He's also not as interested in doing things outside the house as I am but he said he would when I asked him if we can have date night once a week. Yesterday he said made a comment about one my good girl friends interest and I thought to myself..."does he like her", probably because its happened a few times to me in the past that a guy that I liked or was dating has had sex with a friend or family member or bought an expensive gift for my sister and just all sorts of reasons why I feel that maybe he could be interested in my friend now. This is tearing me up inside. We have a date tonight to go out for a friends party and I feel like I am going try really hard tonight to have fun with him but tomorrow I am planning on letting go without telling him. Also, we have met on a dating site and I have my profile hidden on the site but his is not hidden so I dont know if he is seeing anyone from there even though he said he only wants to see me. I like him a lot and I want to be open to the possibilities of love but I am not sure if what I am feeling is my intuition/gut or if its all insecurities; in other words if its the vibe I am getting or if its all in my head. Sasa Hello,

I am currently involved in a relationship that only began in January. I am having a hard time trusting him as I’ve been hurt lots of times. I am so insecure, I’ve noticed a lady on his FB that kept commenting or liking his post and in a drunken stooper I decided to break up with him accusing him of seeing her only to make up with him in the morning. He later said he doesnt like her. I have also broke up with him because one of my good friends said he seemed annoyed with me one day and I thought maybe he is and maybe it will not work so I broke up with him only to make up with a few days later. He is a very nice, sweet, cool and smart person. We are still getting to know each other so I dont know him that well as its only been a few months. I’ve noticed that the first month or so of the relationship he seemed to want to text me a lot more, and tell me how much he likes me and that he wants to see me but lately its more me who is doing these sweet things and it seems like he is just doing things to make me feel ok. We also hung out a lot more and things have winded down the last few weeks but we have still hung out together but only at his house or my house. He’s also not as interested in doing things outside the house as I am but he said he would when I asked him if we can have date night once a week. Yesterday he said made a comment about one my good girl friends interest and I thought to myself…”does he like her”, probably because its happened a few times to me in the past that a guy that I liked or was dating has had sex with a friend or family member or bought an expensive gift for my sister and just all sorts of reasons why I feel that maybe he could be interested in my friend now. This is tearing me up inside. We have a date tonight to go out for a friends party and I feel like I am going try really hard tonight to have fun with him but tomorrow I am planning on letting go without telling him. Also, we have met on a dating site and I have my profile hidden on the site but his is not hidden so I dont know if he is seeing anyone from there even though he said he only wants to see me. I like him a lot and I want to be open to the possibilities of love but I am not sure if what I am feeling is my intuition/gut or if its all insecurities; in other words if its the vibe I am getting or if its all in my head.

Sasa

]]> By: <span class='mentorBadge' title='Claire Colvin is an official Power to Change mentor.' >Claire Colvin</span> http://powertochange.com/sex-love/trust/comment-page-2/#comment-584899 Claire Colvin Mon, 09 Jan 2012 17:34:55 +0000 http://thelife.com/#comment-584899 Saddiqa, You're in a complicated situation. Has he asked you to marry him yet? If you are engaged and he wants to delay the wedding then I think you need to ask him why. Why does he want to wait? He may have an excellent reason or he may be wondering if he made the wrong choice. The only way to find out is to ask him. If you are not promised to each other yet and he wants to delay it may be that he does not want to get married, or does not want to get married YET, then you need to ask yourself how long you are willing to wait. How long have the two of you been together? How old are you? These things will all factor in. At the end of the day, you cannot force someone to marry you. Either he wants to marry you or he does not. Sometimes we say "Wait" when what we really mean is "I don't know how to tell you that I don't want to do this". Talk to him. Ask him what he is thinking. Ask him if he sees himself getting married to you. It could be that he is under a lot of pressure right now and cannot think about getting married just yet. Or it could be that he has thought about it but is not ready to say his decision out loud. Talk to him. He's the only one who knows what he is thinking. After he has told you what he wants, you need to figure out what it is that you want and whether or not those two things go together. Saddiqa,

You’re in a complicated situation. Has he asked you to marry him yet? If you are engaged and he wants to delay the wedding then I think you need to ask him why. Why does he want to wait? He may have an excellent reason or he may be wondering if he made the wrong choice. The only way to find out is to ask him.

If you are not promised to each other yet and he wants to delay it may be that he does not want to get married, or does not want to get married YET, then you need to ask yourself how long you are willing to wait. How long have the two of you been together? How old are you? These things will all factor in.

At the end of the day, you cannot force someone to marry you. Either he wants to marry you or he does not. Sometimes we say “Wait” when what we really mean is “I don’t know how to tell you that I don’t want to do this”. Talk to him. Ask him what he is thinking. Ask him if he sees himself getting married to you. It could be that he is under a lot of pressure right now and cannot think about getting married just yet. Or it could be that he has thought about it but is not ready to say his decision out loud. Talk to him. He’s the only one who knows what he is thinking. After he has told you what he wants, you need to figure out what it is that you want and whether or not those two things go together.

]]> By: saddiqa http://powertochange.com/sex-love/trust/comment-page-2/#comment-582635 saddiqa Sun, 08 Jan 2012 15:41:14 +0000 http://thelife.com/#comment-582635 Plz help me to solve my problam ... i love a boy so much and he loves me .He say to me that i love u ... But delay the marriage . I m a poor girl .we are in the same university . He is so rich. I know that i m not able to him . what i do ....???? How i gain his trust very well ...???? How i forget him ...??? Plz help me to solve my problam … i love a boy so much and he loves me .He say to me that i love u … But delay the marriage . I m a poor girl .we are in the same university . He is so rich. I know that i m not able to him . what i do ….???? How i gain his trust very well …????

How i forget him …???

]]>