Interview: Overcoming a Codependent Friendship
What does a healthy friendship look like compared to a codependent friendship?
I’m just at the beginning stages of discovering what that’s like. From what I know so far I can say that you should not have such high expectations of your friends. You should value the differences you see in them.
Also, you should not depend on them. You can depend on them to a certain extent, but with a healthy relationship it’s not life or death if you are not with them.
Obviously love is a part of a friendship, but now I’m learning to love others by faith unconditionally. We all fail but you have to leave room for failure in a friendship because we’re all human so disappointment and mistakes are bound to happen.
I’ve also discovered that relationships are not all about me. It’s about how loving and serving the other person. Also a good friendship is really about how we can point each other toward Jesus Christ (the only one who can meet all our needs) and build each other up.
God taught me a lot about forgiveness too. I had to forgive people in my past for what they did to me. Now I have to forgive myself for what I did to Anna.
Holding onto my past hurts facilitated a lot of my actions. I know that a healthy friendship brings freedom. I’m so much more relaxed now. I have lots of friends but I don’t go to any one friend before I go to God. I don’t need any friends or one best friend. I know now that God alone fulfills all my needs.
How can someone recognize this pattern in their own life?
I think there always has to be a more dominant person in a codependent relationship. You could be the dominant one. I was the dominant one.
The dominant one takes the initiative. The dominant one has all the expectations of the other person and can feel like the other person doesn’t measure up.
Often as the dominant one I felt sad or lonely. When I hung out with other people I would think of her. My heart would not be fully engaged with other friends. People considered us to be so close so the thought of even breaking away from each other was horrifying.
I invested a lot in her. I shared my emotions with her. I never got close to anyone as I did with her.
That’s another pattern of codependency — only letting that one person get close and not letting others get close to you.
Even if someone were to show me, I still didn’t see at all how I was codependent on Anna. It is very much a process of discovering on my own the kind of lifestyle I was living.
I am a stubborn person too. I didn’t quite want to give her friendship up, as unhealthy as it was.
I knew I had a problem, but I didn’t want to break from this friendship because I was scared of the unknown.
All I knew was what I was comfortable with and I didn’t want to separate myself from that comfort. I wanted to change my life but I didn’t want to take the necessary step. It took months and months of God working on my heart and mind and drawing near to God, which made me realize just how unhealthy my relationship had been.
What are some key questions that would help someone realize if they are in a codependent relationship?
- How much time am I spending with this friend? That determines a lot right there.
- Am I neglecting other friends?
- Do I think this relationship is healthy? What do others in my life who care about me think about this relationship?
- Are there questions about the past that I need to answer for myself?
- Have I forgiven people in my past that have hurt me, and moved on?
Hi Raelene, what is it about your friendship that is co-dependent? What kinds of unhealthy things do you see in your lives because of this nature of your friendship? Is your concern for her destruction to herself or to others?
I’m deeply, deeply codependent with a friend – who is extremely mentally ill – and I don’t know how to escape without triggering her destructive tendencies in a potentially lethal fashion. We don’t live nearby – we correspond online only, though we know each other on Skype and Facebook and I have her address; she may have mine, depending on whether she kept the return when I sent her Christmas and Birthday gifts; she’s never sent me anything, understandably, since her family’s gone into poverty because of medical conditions in both her and her father – and I just don’t know how to escape. I’m constantly worried and it’s exacerbating my anxiety issues.
What should I do?
Kaito,
Becoming aware of those co-dependent relationships is definitely the first step. It can be so hard to become aware of what the friendship has become. Now that you’ve stopped some of these friendships, have you turned somewhere else for comfort? Have you found other people to support and befriend you? If you’re going through a hard time, you’re welcome to sign up for an online mentor. Our mentors are available to listen and walk you through anything you’re struggling with in your friendships and relationships. I do hope you’re able to continue building healthy relationships.
Ive had so many anna’s in my life, and I made the decision a few months ago to stop this pattern of codependency. I’m tired of living this way , I guess that’s the first step right?
this is a great article.i have an “anna” in my life and it is hard.i break away,and she get’s hurt and run’s back to me.i know it is unhealthy,just the fear of not ending up with someone else freak’s me out,so i go back quickly.thanks for your thought’s and insight’s.