Yes, I admit it. I’m afraid of commitment.
Truth hurts. When hanging out with one of my buddies a while ago, he tells me that he thinks I’m scared of commitment. My first reaction was to defend myself against this allegation, I’m not scared of commitment, I’m just independent! But then I really got to thinking about his comment.
Here I am… I’m a single woman in my early twenties. I’ve completed my college education which I paid for entirely myself. I work at a professional job in my field of study. I rent a townhouse with some roommates. Yes, society may classify me as successful, independent woman; but what is it that lies below that facade of independence?
And the more I think of it, the more I agree with my buddy, I have an intense fear of commitment! So, what is it that terrifies me about being committed to something or someone?
Commitment puts my freedom in jeopardy. Last summer, I considered giving up my professional, secure job to spend my summer surfing on Oregon’s coast. Regardless of the money or benefits offered at my job at the time, I felt that I might be missing out on the adventure of a lifetime by being tied down to a full-time job. Unlike the generation before me, the idea of working at the same job for the next 30 years does not appeal to me at all.
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My living arrangement choice is to rent a townhouse with some roommates. As much as I see the logic in paying into a mortgage sooner rather than later, I couldn’t imagine being tied down to the same place for the next 25 – 30 years. I’m unsure what my life holds for me and I want to be ready to move if the opportunity presents itself.
Commitment means I have to make a choice. Though I’m in my early twenties, I still haven’t had a serious boyfriend. One of my friends is getting married in couple months. Though I’m ecstatic over her happiness, part of me questions if she can truly know that she’s making the best choice. In contrast to my friend, I am all for casual dating. When asked to commit my time and attention to one man in particular, I start to panic. What scares me the most is that I might make the wrong choice and get hurt in the process! I’ve watched many of my friends commit themselves to a relationship only to struggle through betrayal and rejection later. In the future, I would love to be in a committed dating relationship, but until I met a man that I’m willing to risk my heart for, I will remain single.
Commitment means I can’t just think of myself. I used to volunteer with a kids club on Friday nights. There was no doubt that my leadership was positively influencing the lives of the kids, but after a couple months, I quit. I quit because I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my Friday nights to spend time with the kids. Instead, I chose to spend my Friday nights partying with my friends, which just seemed much more fun than playing Dodgeball with some Grade 7 kids.
Like millions of others in the world, I admire the devotion of Mother Teresa who sacrificed her life in the service of others. I always say that I want to do the same, but in reality, it’s tough to make the decision to give up some of the things or activities that are enjoyable to me.
Unveiling my secret desire for commitment. Despite my efforts to remain unattached and uncommitted to anything or anyone, I have to admit that deep in my soul, I have an intense longing for security and belonging – both of which cannot happen without commitment.
Though I don’t want to be tied down to a job or a house, I still want the security of knowing where my next pay cheque will come from or where I’ll live next month. And as much as I’m scared of committing myself to a dating relationship, I truly desire to be with someone who is 100% committed to our relationship. I think we’re all built with a desire for security.
So what’s the issue? When I think about my commitment fears, it boils down to one issue: truly loving and being loved by others because that means that I’m opening myself up to the possibly of being hurt.
I know that I can’t truly love someone else unless I am vulnerable – whether it’s loving a man or my friends, family or the kids I volunteered with.
When I love someone, I can no longer just think about myself. I need to be willing to put time and energy into our relationship and always live with the possibly that the person I love could destroy my trust.
Being committed demands remaining faithful to someone or something even when times get rough. Whether the person I love treats me poorly or I don’t see the results of my project. Commitment means I need to stick to it because I love and believe in it.
Looking for examples of commitment. I can’t honestly find many good example of commitment in our culture. Yes, I can think of a dozen names of famous people committed to the success of their career or personal dream. But often these ambitions are mixed with impure motives of greed, pride and envy. Do we really have examples of true selfless, altruistic people who lived a committed life?
The only person I can think of is Jesus Christ. Although he lived 2000 years ago, this man who only lived 30 years made a tremendous impact on the world even until now. Some say it’s not possible to live like Jesus Christ or follow his example. They’re right. It’s impossible to live and love like Jesus Christ. It’s impossible to copy what he did. But I do know it’s possible to have Jesus Christ as part of your life because I experience a personal relationship with him everyday.
Why have Jesus as part of my life? Jesus is slowly changing me and teaching me a better way to live, act, think, behave, feel and react. If I want to know how to love others, I look to Jesus – he knew how to love another person. Jesus didn’t go into relationships thinking, “Oh, I better be careful, this person might hurt me.” Instead he chose to love all of humanity with a deep, passionate love that eventually lead to his death.
He is the ultimate example of commitment – he was committed to selflessly loving others including you and me. Jesus gave up his freedom and in a selfless act, came to earth to die for the wrong things and I have done. To me, that’s unbelievable that someone would be 100% committed to me even before I knew who He was. Despite my commitment phobia, I can rest assured that I am wholly and completely loved by God. And can than strive to follow his example of loving other people.
Kristin is graduate of British Columbia Institute of Technology, currently works in Human Resources and recently travelled to Ireland. Copyright 2005 iamnext.com. May not be used without permission.
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Copyright iamnext.com 2005. May not be reprinted without permission.
Yes, commitment can be tough, but it’s core to every good relationship. New studies are showing that it might also be gene related. Check out this forum post for more info (includes a link to the research/article): http://www.dinklife.com/meet-dinks/forums/forum/love-sex/emotional-response-affected-genes
You make some interesting points Ben! Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment.
I think the point that the author was trying to make was that she was looking for an example of someone that was totally committed and didn’t waver and the only example of that she found was Jesus Christ. Her point was that we don’t really see people in our culture that are totally committed to others but Jesus was. May I challenge you to read the book of John in the Bible to learn more about him Ben? You said yourself that you don’t really know that much about him, and that would be a great place to start.
I thought this was really well written and touched on a lot of things that i find myself going through at this moment. And then i got to the paragraph about Jesus and how he lived his life and all the rest.
The problem for me is that one moment the author is talking about her experiences and self, the next she’s talking about a person who has been dead for quite some time and how she loves him and is committed to that love.
Let me admit first i could be totally missing the point myself…But i’ll roll with this anyway.
Don’t get me wrong. the idea of loving someone, and wishing to completely dissolve yourself in them is a very beautiful thing. It’s my wish and blessing for everyone. However, i have always found it easier to love people when they are not actually with me, and especially if they are an Englightened being like Jesus.
But somehow i feel like that’s kind of missing the point.There is something about that idea that’s just …not right…
I don’t pretend to be an expert on Jesus or the Bible. The story is all kind of foggy for me. However, i do wonder what it would be like if the beautiful person who wrote this could just find the answer to her own issues that don’t require a belief system.
Ex: I was once terrified of thunder and lighting. However, when i eventually faced my fear and went out and witnessed it i realized i was VERY TERRIFIED OF IT. I mean it’s awesome in power and totally outside of my control. It’s no wonder people thought they were Gods. But then as i spent more and more time around it,i got used to it, and even began to observe it first hand from my own experience, and it became a very pleasant and beautiful phenomenon.
So the essay was about commitment, and i guess the author made her point, that she was committed to Jesus. But i feel like if i said the same thing about some obscure author i liked, or musician, or some other person… People might think i kind of am not really facing the truth so to speak.
Anyway, i know anything Jesus is pretty sensitive for people and i’m not here to bash on anything or call on you all to question your faith or whatever. I just wanted to say i really liked the essay up to that point, and that i hope the author keeps searching even though she feels a commitment to JC.
Sincerely,
Ben
So true meenu, it is rare to find an individual who is willing to point out their faults unreservedly as you said. I happen to know the author personally and she has definitely persisted in her relationship with Jesus.
it was unusual to find someone pointing out her faults without reservation and owning the scene occuring around in general. I feel there is only one answer, that is to persist with Jesus
dear marie– God i pray for fear of commitment to leave for her to find commintment to be good i pray all of this in JESUS name amen. tough i feel for you. i am praying for you. love sharon
This was absolutely beautiful. I have a fear of commitment but this definitely helped, thank you! :)
I like what you said, Bernard, about committing to Jesus Christ, for He is the Ultimate Example of Love and Commitment. It is in letting Him love us that we truly learn what True Love is about, and we begin to be able to and want to give sacrificially. I believe this is when we are able to turn to Him in the face of hurt and work through it together, rather than, as you suggested, Ma, finding the way out. This is what I believe commitment to one another in love means, and I like Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 as a description: “9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. [NLT]“
We are afraid of commitment because we are afraid of love and being loved and God is love… Fear of commitment causes us to do things we will eventually regret in the future because we were not committed. So commitment to the right thing and to the right people can be a good thing. Let’s trust God in our commitments.
unless we know how to protect ourselves we keep fearing the vulnerability. so first become enough strong so that if we see harm coming to us by being involved, we can find the way out
Kiki, you may be able to protect yourself from getting hurt by a man but you will never be able to experience the depth of love that comes from opening yourself up to that risk. There are things that you can do to miniize the risk of being hurt but ultimately love comes from being open with another person.
AMD, I don’t think it is unwise to avoid commitment to people who have issues that you are not willing to deal with. But if you are waiting for perfection then you will be waiting for a long time :) Have you involved God in your decisions to avoid these relationships? If you are following His direction then you don’t have to be worried that you are afraid of commitment because He is the one who has directed you. Your commitment to Him has kept you from committing to someone that is not a part of God’s plan for you.
Tell that bratty 8 year old to mind his own business!! :)
i’m also so scared of committments and just involved in casual relationships. i get scared when i notice the guy intentions of settling down with me cos i dont want to be hurt in anyway. i feel we’re so alike in that.
like JK, I feel exactly the same way! I googled this because I have had an 8 year old say to me “so are you afraid of commitment or just haven’t found someone yet?” ! I beg your pardon! how does he know me so well!!
I was wonderfully surprised to hear that you are a Christian as well. I am committed to Christ and serving Him, but as soon as a guy takes that awkward tone of voice when he starts to talk about our relationship, I clam up, freak out, tell him I’ll think about it, then politely decline.
I do use my mind in evaluating potential relationships though, and I just think that if I can see the end from the beginning it’s best not to start. If he’s prone to alchoholism or is immature, or doesn’t understand me and have the same core values, is an angry man etc.. then I’ll let it pass.
Ya can’t marry everyone!
I could say I am not looking for perfection, but in a way I am. I want someone who is striving to become more and more like Christ. He wont be perfect but he will be laying down his life.
Hi folks, I agree with what Shelly wrote about first committing to Christ Jesus, and then subsequent commitments will come easier. Jesus “emptied himself” of his place in heaven, and committed himself to being a man, a human being, vulnerable and open for human relationships.
My feeling is that we all need to draw near to God, to ask Him what’s important today, and to be Spirit-led into serving Him. HE will meet all our needs, find a marriage partner who is fully committed, and give us joy unspeakable! HE has a plan for your life. Maybe the plan I have for myself is from God, and He will lead me in achieving it, but if it is of self then it will lead to disappointment & disaster.
So, for me commitment is a daily thing. Sometimes that is difficult, yet without it we will never know what we’ve missed.
Now to Chris: To me the Bible has been proven to be true, and is no myth. All religions (even Christian ones) have an ideology, a way of life that makes sense to its followers. Those, however, who have a commitment to Christ Jesus, have more than an ideology! The Holy Spirit within us, the One Jesus promised to send us, tells us who’s children we are. So I invite you: “Come, walk in my shoes, and feel the joy of knowing that HE will do for us what we cannot do for ourselves”. I could not reach up to heaven, but God, in sending Jesus, reached down to save me and you! The love that led to such an effort and to such a commitment is not to be taken lightly. My response must be to in turn commit myself to Him! -;) I did not say that it is always easy, but it is the only way; and it sure beats the disappointments of going it alone (without Him). The rewards are great, both in this life and beyond! Cheers.
of course you are committed to christ. thats a nobrainer he cant hurt you, for those of us who dont believe in organized religion you represent exactly the type of person that is so weak you have to turn to possible fiction to have a committment. committing to somone who may or maynot have ever existed is a weak way out.
I’m afraid of commitment as well I’ll probably never get married and I honestly don’t see kids in my future.
I still keep the resent note that i wrote
There is nothing wrong with not having a boyfriend at this point in your life. In fact, you have probably saved yourself a ton of pain and you still have a whole heart to give to someone. I was shocked to read that despite your phobia of commitment, you are able to be committed to Jesus Christ. I was raised a Christian, and even consider myself a Christian; but, I feel as though I am still searching for answers. I too am afraid of commitment, not only because I am independent, but also because I know what it feels like to completely love someone and not have the level of love reciprocated. It hurts. I shy away from getting too close because I am afraid to feel the same thing I have felt before. Reading your article and through my own experience, I understand now that we cannot depend on people or jobs or anything else to bring us what we are searching for. The only peace I have found is through a relationship with Jesus Christ. Building that back up is my only obstacle. Thanks so much for writing this. I really appreciate it and believe I was suppose to read it at this given moment. Thanks
Well Beth, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is: a boyfriend and a husband *gasp* even more so, will completely change your life. The good news is: a boyfriend and a husband will completely change your life. I am not saying that your life is awful right now and it needs changing, but I am saying that being joined to another person brings a richness and a fullness that a single person cannot experience. The changes will be hard (some of them will even tempt you to run for the hills) but I think Kristin’s advice is really good: “Despite my commitment phobia, I can rest assured that I am wholly and completely loved by God. And can than strive to follow his example of loving other people.” Jesus can change the way you look at relationships and help you to love in a pure way that doesn’t destroy the other person but helps them to grow into something they never could have on their own. He can also help you to receive love from another person so that you won’t be destroyed but can become someone amazing that would never have been possible by yourself.
The article that Kirstin linked to is a good one. It is a series of articles that describe how you can discover a relationship with Jesus Christ. You can also connect with one of our online mentors who can help you discover the path to Jesus and the path to commitment-phobia freedom. Go to this link to find the Mentor Request Form.
Commitment is not easy subject, but when we come to Christ we make a commitment with Him to fully follow Him where ever He leads and guides us. To me if we make a commitment with Him then other commitments will be a lot easier-I beleive this.
Thank you :) you’ve made me realise that i’m affraid of commitment, I’m only 18, i’ve had 1 boyfriend but i ended it with him because i didn’t like him as much as i thought but it was also because he liked to hold my bags or open doors for me but i’m independant and like to do things for myself! I’ve liked this other guy for almost a year now but on and off we’ve tried to mask our feelings and always choose to admit feelings whilst the other is in a relationship, finally we’re going to be together but i’m scared, I don’t want having a boyfriend to completley change my life :’( but i really am in love with him. anyone help?
this is bull.
I have to say this, I was able to connect to EVERY word you have written.
super nice ..