Take a look at your own past. Have there been experiences in the past that taught you to fear commitment? Do you know someone who went through an awful divorce or was in an abusive situation? Do you know people who bought houses and went bankrupt during the mortgage crisis a couple of years ago? Have you had an experience where you were physically trapped that could trigger a response to the idea of commitment? These are all questions that a counsellor could work through with you.

If you want to be married but run from the idea of actually doing it then there’s probably something else happening in your brain or your body. There is something that is so powerful you’re choosing based on that rather than choosing the thing you really want – marriage. Our brains are very complicated and the need to protect ourselves runs really deep. If there is something in your past that is triggering this fear a good counsellor can help you with strategies to work through it. It could be that you’ve never had a chance to process what happened and you’re making choices based on incorrect information. You’re going to need to figure out what it is that you’re afraid of, what part of marriage or owning a house is the trigger? A counsellor can really help with that.

Years ago a friend of mine came to me to tell me that she was planning to break up with her boyfriend. There were doing the long distance thing and he had already bought a ticket to come visit her so she planned to tell him when he arrived. Imagine my surprise when a couple of days later instead of breaking up they got engaged. I asked her what happened, what changed her mind, did they have a really good heart to heart talk? She said they didn’t talk, he just proposed and he was so happy she said yes. They were married for less than three years.

I cannot tell you whether you should marry this guy or not but I can tell you that you need to figure that out ahead of time. An open relationship is pretty hurtful. It tells the other person that you think you can do better and he’s just a bench warmer keeping you from being alone will you go looking. He deserves better than that. Either be with him or let him go but don’t keep him on a string, that’s cruel.

I think you need to figure out what is the essential thing. Are you looking for someone is a Christian? Someone who is a committed Christian? Or someone who lives out their faith exactly the same way that you do? What is his spiritual life like? Does he read his Bible? Does he pray? Does he go to church? Does he help in the community? Is he a man of character? What is he like? Not all Christians are going to want be the person who is always organizing things at church. You want to be careful that the standard you hold him to is God’s standard and not your own. If he is reluctant to go to church, that’s a red flag. But he may he different social needs or preferences to you that will display in your different levels of church involvement. That’s not necessarily a deal breaker IF you understand that this is not a behaviour that is going to change and you are okay with him being as he is.

This is Marriage 101: learning to live with someone who is not like you. There are always going to be differences and in 99.8% of all cases there is no right way to do it. We all tend to think that our way is correct, that the way our family always did it is the good and proper way. The work of marriage is sifting out what can bend and what cannot, where you can change, where he can change and what you can build together. It sounds a bit like you have an idea in your head of what church is supposed to look like. Figure out if you question his faith – in which case you need to seriously consider whether this relationship can continue – or if the issue is what that faith looks like. You mentioned that it would be hard for you to connect unless he changes, what are you willing to change to accommodate him?

This comment got really long, but marriage is important stuff. The short version is this: don’t go shopping for rings. Figure out what you want and whether or not this guy fits the bill as he is today. If the answer is yes, congratulations! If it’s no, let him go. If you’re not sure yet, keep dating. Figuring this stuff out is the reason dating exists. From what you’ve written here it sounds like you already know the answer you’re just not ready to say it out loud yet.

Secondly, I know it may be counter-intuitive but you will never find happiness in only thinking and pleasing yourself. Humans are made for relationship and only find true fulfillment when they are serving others. The best relationships are those where both partners are active in meeting the needs of the one they love.