What is true love?
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I can picture the day. Rice flying, a limo pulling up to take him and me to the airport, white clusters of flowers on the pews, tears in my mother’s eyes, my bridesmaids in lavender chiffon….
All the details of my wedding day are worked out in my head. All of them, that is, except for the groom. Oops. That’s an important part, huh?
Love. It’s a commonly thrown around four-letter word. “I love macaroni and cheese.” “I love Vanilla Ice.” (Remember that?) Sometimes, even an “I love him” or “I love her.”
What is real love? And is there a difference between that and the heart-pounding adrenaline rush I feel when I see…? You know the person I’m talking about. That hot guy playing basketball at the gym… the cute girl who makes eye contact as she passes by… the friend of a friend of a friend… maybe a best friend. It’s that person we keep track of when he or she is in the same room, whose comments and actions we analyze to no end.
There are a few things love isn’t. Love isn’t a feeling. Although real love is often accompanied by strong feelings, love does not equate with the sense of floating on clouds. Unlike the type of love that movies, television, and songs portray, people in love don’t always feel ooey gooey around each other.
A relationship wouldn’t last long on emotions. In fact, knowledge is the basis of a healthy relationship.
Knowing about the other person is key. I used to and sometimes still do “fall in love” with guys that I have never had a conversation with, whether it be a movie star in the latest romantic drama or the guy sitting behind me in a calculus class. I would know his name and his face, and that was the extent of my knowledge of him. If I were to start a relationship with him, who knows where that would lead us!
Knowing about the person’s personality and character are so important. One good test is to list the qualities that attract us to that guy or girl. If the list is long, we know a lot about them and like those things. If the list is short, we either don’t know a lot about them or we know a lot but aren’t attracted to his or her personality.
Another important factor in a relationship is common life goals. If the relationship is going to be long term, we need to be going in the same general direction as the other person. If his dream is to travel as an international businessman and she wants to be a realtor in a single location, conflict could arise. If she wants to live in the countryside with nature and he likes the hustle and bustle of a big city, there are potentially serious problems with the direction of the couple’s lives.
Love isn’t sex. That statement alone goes against a lot of what the entertainment industry feeds us. Whenever two people hook up in pop culture, they have sex. Without showing some of the unpleasant realities of premarital and extramarital sex, it is drawn up to be a wonderful, fun recreational activity.
Sex is created for marriage–a long-lasting commitment between a couple. Outside of marriage, sex can have harsh consequences. Pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, guilt, insecurity, and shame can follow. A relationship based on lust can only last as long as the two are physically close and find each other sexually attractive.
Love is a choice. It’s a commitment. Although feelings will accompany love, and although sex will be a part of marriage, a lasting, healthy relationship cannot be based on these things.
The Bible says that God is love. God, as our designer and creator, made us with needs for love. Do you ever wonder why we constantly seek love from others but never feel completely satisfied? It’s because God designed us for an unconditional love, and we, as people, are flawed.
Is true love possible? Tell us what you think
People, whether friends, family, or your significant other, will invariably let you down at some point. God wants us to find our need for love and acceptance in him first. One person cannot meet all our needs, even if he’s funny or she’s thoughtful.
We were made for God’s love, and God’s love alone can fill that need. Only after experiencing and knowing the unconditional love that God has for us, the love that drove God to send his Son to die for us on earth, can we begin to love others with the same quality of unconditional love.
TRUE LOVE 101: What does it take to be that significant other?
Infatuation
- Sees the other person as perfect
- Wants to get own needs met; selfish
- Spends all time with the other person
- Quickly “falls” for the other person
- Other relationships and friendships deteriorate
- Dependence on the other person causes jealousy frequently
- Lasts for a short period of time
- Distance strains and often puts an end to the relationship
- Quarrels are serious and common
- Quarrels can seriously damage the relationship
Love
- Sees the other person’s flaws and still loves them
- Wants to serve the other person; selfless
- Still spends time with others
- Takes time to build the relationship
- Other relationships and friendships grow stronger
- Trust and understanding results in less severe and less frequent jealousy
- Encompasses a long-term commitment
- Survives and sometimes is strengthened because of distance
- Quarrels are less serious and less often
- Quarrels can strengthen the relationship
Infatuation can be so tempting. But the question is, do I want a lasting, satisfying relationship? If so, infatuation isn’t the answer. Look at your relationships through the grid above. Infatuation isn’t a bad thing, as long as we don’t base a relationship on it.
Perhaps finding real love begins with God, the one who created relationships.
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Claire, I so agree that this is a tragic picture of love. God is Love, and He created us for relationship with Him and with one another. It is in allowing God to love us and in communing with Him that we find wholeness and fulfillment in life and develop the desire to truly give unselfishly to another person in a loving manner.
Sukhi, I pray you will follow Claire’s urging and seek out a mentor with whom to speak about your views on love. Here is the link again to do so:
http://powertochange.com/students/mentoring/
God bless you, Sukhi; I am praying for you.
Sukhi, That’s a very sad picture of love. Love is not supposed to be about rules or forcing someone to act a certain way. Love is a good thing – it exists between people who want to be together because they enjoy each other’s company. Did something happen to you that made you see love this way? Our mentors are available if you’d like to talk.
I think love is that Psychological illness which forces a person(anybody) to be good even if he don’t want to do so……………
Thanks for taking the time to stop by and comment Tani and Ginny! I would have to agree with you Tani that love really is beyond definition because it is so much more than we can put into words.
Thank you for the helpful advice
I think love is beyond defination…. but thanks for giving valuable advices.
you asked what would make true love last like that
my answer is; we are
Why do you think true love is timeless? What would make true love last like that?
i do think that true love is timeless
You make an excellent point Ann, that true love isn’t something we find, but something that we work at to create and nurture. It is a coming together of two hearts committed to one another through the struggle and the hard times. Well said!
Beautiful article. Well, each one of us look around for that ‘True Love’ especially, from the person whom we wish to be with forever…a friend, lover, husband, wife and so on… and the feelings shud be mutual. But actually, true love is not sought or found just like that. It’s created by any 2 individuals by accepting the ‘imperfections’ and by trying to adjust, co-operate, understand, trust and above all to sacrifice for one another for any given cause with great patience. When all this is put together we do get ‘Love’. and when we do anything for the person whom we love without expecting much in return, that’s true love or unconditional love…..that of Jesus Christ, who died for our sins. Well, to be very honest, we do fall short here, and that’s why sometimes we feel unsatisfied with the love we get from our loved ones. Because, we might do things out of love for the other, and think or say we dont expect anything in return, but that’s only thinking, not reality. For, everyone of us our thirsty for love and some in desparate need of love. so heart to heart, one would surely expect, even if not materialistically, may be thru actions- showing great excitements, open appreciations, emotions -hugs, kisses, presenting small gifts- cards, etc. All this would certainly motivate and encourage the concept of ‘True Love’ to materialize and grow steadily. I have said enough, but will not surely miss the main part for True Love to exist………this can happen only when God is included in your relationship and if it’s His Will, under all conditions, Jesus Christ will make it happen in your life. But always be ready to pay a price for the best things in life……..over here you should be ready to say SSS to…Suffer, Struggle and Sacrifice. As you know… “There is No Gain Without Pain”. So all the best in Life, Love freely. God bless!
Thanx, this was helpful.
interesting comments from the people, thanks all for sharing
Hi Chicken, You said that you are looking for feedback but I wasn’t sure what your question was. Are you asking whether or not people ever fall in love quickly? If so, then yes, sometimes they do. The pastor of the church I grew up in knew his wife as a friend for six months. He decided to ask her out and the second time they went out, he proposed. She accepted and they have been married for almost 30 years now. It happens, but I think it’s rare. Generally speaking, relationships that develop very quickly can also fade out very quickly. But there are few hard and fast rules when it comes to love.
My advice would be this: if you feel like things are progressing quickly, talk to people who have known you for a long time. Ask for their opinions. Do they see changes in you? Are they good changes? Do they like the person you are with? Does the relationship make them nervous. Some people do figure out that they want to be together forever very quickly. It’s not common, but it does happen.
Hey, glad to of found this place, tbh :)
I have met someone incredibly wonderful (yes, believes in god lol) and if anything has strengthen me, has calmed my tendency to stray away from god.
I’ve read that list, and i agree with all of it except the speed of falling for a person.. I’ve been married, was for 7 years,and have been in various relationships, but i had given up on love a long time ago.. Meeting this man, talking with him, it was like a bell had been stuck over my head and gong’d.. and it’s not so much of having fallen for him, but a quiet and calm knowing that he is ‘the one’…and i tend to doubt eeeeverything. Guess I’m writing this to ask for feedback… we’re still getting to know each other, and no, it’s def not on a physical attraction that we are fond of one another (notice the lack of the word love, as we are still working on that time aspect, learning each other, and taking our time..the feeling is there and mutual, but we are building that, creating it with god)
So, considering all of that, and knowing that god is apart of that, in a big way (but in a healthy, normal way :P) I guess i’m asking on feedback :) We didn’t ‘fall’ in love, it rang it’s bell over our heads :) lol funny thing is, i used to tell god that if there was someone out there who was meant for me, he’d have to freaking set an alarm next to my head to alert me to it xD (and various other methods, depending on my wittyness atm)
anyways, done babbling for now :p
This is really awesome.now i can differenciate true love from infatuation .
this a great article- we’ve been married for 25 years and true love is making sure they know they are loved and being with that person this long because you want their happiness and giving of yourself and also trusting in God and making sure he is the head of us both. and giving the spouse freedom to do what they like too
This question has plagued me for a very long time and today God added the last piece of the “love puzzle” BTW he tells me that we think too hard, and make big deals out of the smallest things and if we just sit back and bask in his love for us we would see that he not only loves us despite our flaws but even more because of them and because of our uniqueness. True love can only be achieved by looking at ourselves through the eyes of God, accept yourself, love your uniqueness because he sure does! Feel the warmth of his unconditional love filling every cell of your body, from your toenails to the tip of your longest hair, and yes he loves you that much!! To find True Love, ask God to help you find that person. “He already has plans for you, so trust in him exclusively.” When you are with that person, True Love can only come from looking at each other through God’s eyes. See each other the way God sees them. Those who have had children know this feeling, it’s like the first time they laid eyes on their newborn child, “WOW, I made this?” Awesome!!! A couple who can see each other through God’s eyes has unconditional love for each other, and knows what’s in each other’s hearts just as God does. And they love each other with God’s love. He told me that is the greatest gift he can be given by us is to love with his love. It makes him burst with pride like a parent watching their child accomplish a big goal. I believe the man I am seeing now was sent to me by God, I feel we will some day be married, but for now we are both enjoying the journey.
Very true, you never know when that person might be the love of your life as you said. And yes, loving someone includes taking the good with the bad and making a commitment to stick together through thick and thin. It’s not just about a feeling because feelings change.
You never no that the girl you just met might be the love of your life. I came to find out when I first met the love of mine. Love suppose to be the strength that keep two people together no matter the distance between one another. Love is like a tree, and one day your love can reach it’s peak, you know that its no way you can love her any more then you have for the pass 15teen years. You are suppose to take the good with the bad if one walks out on the other so easliy that show’s there’s no real communication. Love will always be our UP & our Down.
Dear Lesiba,
Part of the purpose of courtship is that we have an opportunity to explore the possibility of love with another without giving ourselves fully to that person. If in that courtship process we find that the other has aspects of their personality and character that make it hard to love them we have the option of choosing not to love them and finding another. But when we make that commitment of marriage between a husband and wife we dedicate ourselves to loving that one in all circumstances and situations.
Absolutely, talk with your girlfriend. Let her know how her actions are affecting you. Strive to understand her point of view and to find a way to relate to each other that works for both of you. Make sure that the issue is not that you are unnecessarily suspicious. But don’t commit yourself to a relationship with her if you are not able to trust her.
before i met my fiancee I was trying to find the perfect man. a man whom I drafted according to my liking. Then A comes along. suddenly someone whom i thought less in physical attractiveness is interesting as company. I started to like whatever words coming out of his mouth. after awhile we dated seriously and soon I can see past the minor ‘imperfections’. Now all i can think about is how lucky I am to have someone who loves me and i love him.
He started to loose weight not because I want him to. but because he wanted to. I have a feeling it is to boost his own self esteem . I can see how serious he is about meeting my happiness as well. And that makes him so special. i had dated other guys- nothing serious. to me he score 100/100.
moral of the story- try to have a list and then try not to be strict on the list. you may not know that the guy you think you can’t live with ever is the guy that you can’t live without.
I know that he is the right guy for me because we are open with each other. we helped each other, we worked together to understand our differences, we support each other views and we argue if we don’t agree. Sometime we don’t always agree if it is stuff that is not important we take it that we are different . we try not to change each other but sometime we change because we know we can be better if we do. In other words Understanding+love =true love. another point about true love is that we are committed to make it work
i hope this makes sense
Dear lesiba
Your love your feelings follow the way to justify the vastness of love, only love him. Without any question. Your inner hart will more simple like the Sun shine, and please read my previous writing for your answer. (Love is love like birth is birth).
Thanks
Zisu.M
I am having a problem with the trust issues,like my girlfriend is so secretive she don’t wana tell me what bothers her but she want me to be open to her and tell her everything that bothers me,she hides things for me,who she was with,who calls on her cellphone but she expect me to tell her everything I do but she don’t do that to me so now I don’t know whether to let gor or stay in this relationship in the name of true love so I don’t know what to do will you kindly help?I realy need help
And the work of man is to take that seed and spread it around and God makes it grow. Interesting!
the work of God is to plant the seed of compassion and love in our hearts
I heard this on the radio this morning and thought it spoke of true love.
In the book Mortal Lessons (Notes in the Art of Surgery)
Dr. Richard Selzer writes:
“I stand by the bed where a young woman lies, her face post operative, her mouth twisted in palsy, clownish. A tiny twig of the facial nerve, the one to the muscles of her mouth has been severed. She will be thus from now on. The surgeon has followed with religious fervor the curve of her flesh. I promise you that. Never the less, to remove the tumor in her cheek he had to cut the little nerve. Her young husband is in the room. He stands on the opposite side of the bed and together they seem to dwell in the evening lamp light isolated from me…private. ‘Who are they, I ask myself, he and this wry mouth I have made, who gaze at and touch each other so generously, so greedily? The young woman speaks. “Will my mouth always be like this?” she asks? “Yes,” I say, “it will. It is because the nerve was cut.” She nods and is silent. But the young man smiles. “I like it,” he says. “It is kind of cute.” All at once I know who he is. I understand, and I lower my gaze. Unmindful, he bends to kiss her crooked mouth, and I am so close I can see how he twists his own lips to accommodate to hers, to show her that their kiss still works.
If you would like to hear it go to http://www.davidjeremiah.org/site/radio.aspx
and listen to the July 19th broadcast. This is just a tiny excerpt.
I am not trying to endorse either David Jeremiah (although I do like his messages) or Dr. Richard Selzer whom I’ve never heard of before this morning. I do endorse love and it takes a lot of work and commitment on both parts.
Yes that is it! When you work on your self you have no time to work on your partner and judge him or her. In this way you are loving yourself as well as your neighbour ( Love your neighbour as you love your self) Thanks Mark that is good insight that you have. God bless you