An act of service is anything that you do for someone that takes time, thought, effort, and energy. The list of possibilities is endless. Done with a positive spirit, this is an expression of love. Some of us appreciate all of these things, big or little, but for those with the language of Acts of Service it goes beyond appreciation and hits the heart of love. It is so powerful that, it has the ability to fill your loved ones’ emotional love tank, which is essential for a healthy marriage. It works just like a gas tank, running empty will cause a breakdown. With a full tank you can go far.

We all have expectations of what love looks like. How that expectation is communicated is CRITICAL. If an expectation is demanded it will have an automatic result of resentment. Both demands and resentment are divisive rather than building the relationship. An Act of Service needs to be freely given to avoid the negatives that come with coercion.

Communication is SO important in marriage. Making a request of your spouse is an important part of communicating. Talking about what makes you feel loved and what your individual priorities are is really good for your relationship. For this to work the request needs to be optional on behalf of the other person. The request gives direction to love, therefore benefits your relationship. To start, make a list of three or four things that are most important to you. If you both have a primary Language of Helps, your differences will surprise each other, because you are “speaking a different dialect”. If this is the case, exchange lists of top 3-4 acts that would mean the most. Keep in mind you don’t have to do these things, but if you do it will be an act of love.

Gary suggests in the book to try the original list for two months and see if it helps. At that time it would be appropriate to discuss how things are going and notice if differences have been made. At that time you can add one more request per month as is helpful and not overwhelming for both parties.

Gary introduces a concept of different dialects within the primary love language. The concept is: you both do things for each other, but are missing the mark because you are not understanding what the other person really wants or needs. It comes back to our unique differences. Awareness can quickly identify your differences of priority. Refer to the above list that will really help. Another help is to think back to the things you did for each other when you fell in love. At that point we did things to please each other, without coercion, demands or the expectations we bring into marriage. Looking back will help you each identify specifics about your love language. In addition it can be a real fun time of remembering why you fell in love. That in itself is good for the two of you.

There have been many sociological changes in the past 30 years that change the common stereotypes of male and female roles in marriage. Many people come into a marriage with expectations based on what they observed in their parents’ roles. This can set your relationship up for unmet expectations and disappointment. The first reason is, you are not your parents and your love languages may be very different than theirs as you relate to each other. Second, there have been many changes that make your parents generation very different from yours. In the past we learned roles and ideas primarily from parents. That has changed with the influx of media into our culture. At one time parents were the primary source of education and influence. Now media is inundating our culture with new expectations and roles. The major force is outside the home not within the home. The bottom line is to remember that different things shape your expectations, parents and culture. Be willing to consider and change the stereotypes as necessary in order to express love in your relationship. The rewards will be VERY worth it for your marriage.

Let’s start with a definition of doormat (by Farlax dictionary) a person who offers little resistance to ill-treatment by others. An actual doormat is an inanimate object made to step on with no thoughts, feelings, or will of its’ own, you wipe your feet and move on. Serving another crosses the line when one feels: coercion, fear, manipulation, guilt, or resentment. Allowing oneself to be used in this way is NOT an act of love. It is quite the opposite; it is inhumane behavior that is not acceptable! Love says, “I love you too much to allow this behavior, it is not good for either of us.” So we know what Acts of Service are not. What they are is a choice, desire, loving deed, effective expression of love, service from the heart. Consider your attitude and motivation when doing or asking for Acts of Service. If change is needed the process would be recognition, communication, and then change.

Try using a different means of asking, both in the method and in the wording. You can write it down instead of speaking. Write words while thinking about, “does this sound demanding or offensive?”, then re-write it if needed. Another idea is to ask in a way that is thankful instead of demanding, “If you can do the dishes while I put the kids to bed, then there will be time for us to ______, I sure appreciate you.” or “the Black’s are coming for dinner on Wednesday, is it doable to have the lawn mowed before they come? I would sure appreciate that.” Remember the choices you make reflect your heart. Love is a choice. By choosing to fill your spouses’ love tank in his/her primary language you are loving them and nurturing your marriage. The Bible also gives us insight into love in 1 Corinthians 13: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Remember this is a perfect standard of what love is. None of us will achieve this perfectly, but we can learn from it and work toward what love really is. Try it! You will love the rewards!

Millions of people around the world turn to prayer and the Bible as a source of help when dealing with difficult situations. Both offer comfort and the realization that you are not alone in this - there is hope and help. Remember, God is the ultimate source of help and He loves you just as you are. Philippians 4:6 ”Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”