Look at what your spouse does that makes you feel loved. What goes beyond, “I appreciate that”, and hits the heart of “I feel VERY loved when ______ happens”. This is a great indicator of your Language. The reverse is true too, what do you frequently ask your spouse to do, to the point they may consider you a nag? The thing you most often request is a good indicator. Finally, look at the ways you regularly express love to others. That is a good tip, but not completely reliable as sometimes we do what we have been taught. Ask yourself these questions and then you can take a short quiz from Gary’s Website (5lovelanguages.com) or go to the back of the book, The Five Love Languages, there is a quiz there as well.

For a man sexual desire is stimulated by a buildup of Sperm cells which in turn creates a drive to fulfill a physical need for release. For a woman her sexual desire is rooted in emotions. Therefore men are physically driven and women are emotionally driven to engage in sexual intercourse. That is a very basic explanation, of a very complex thing, human sexuality. There are many other reasons people do or don’t want to have sex. But this generalization is important to understanding the difference between Physical Touch as an emotional love language and physical desire for sex: two very different things. A man whose primary language is different than physical touch, will lose desire for sex/intimacy with his wife on an emotional level if his emotional needs are not being met by his primary language. This will be reflected in sexuality too. For example: if his primary is Words of Affirmation, and she constantly puts him down and belittles him, he will lose desire to connect with her emotionally and it will impact sex. Another way to tell the difference with a man’s language being Physical Touch, is that he will crave non-sexual touch too. Rubbing his head or back, holding hands, or hugging will fill a deep need for emotional love.

Love is a choice. Love chooses what is best, despite how we feel about it. Love does not erase the past, but it can create a very different future based on the choices of today. Choosing to love in the others’ primary language is a choice. This choice has the power to change the emotional temperature in your marriage. Recognizing the difference between love as a choice, “real lasting love” and “falling in love” is key here. Our culture has misled multitudes of people by selling love as the “falling in love experience”. Research shows this stage is only a temporary stage that comes to an end as mature love settles in. Mature love makes choices that are best for self, the other and the marriage. All three components must be balanced in real lasting love. Hollywood is selling the “falling in love” temporary experience as what we should search after by defining love this way. It is not true, it is chasing a mirage. Real people with real emotions don’t exist in that experience long term.

Knowledge is a great starting point. Understanding the difference in love languages is the key to being able to enact a plan and move forward. Remember, part of what attracted you to each other is your differences, ‘opposites attract’. Now that you understand the differences, you need to make a choice. “Am I going to utilize this knowledge to meet the emotional needs of my spouse and better my marriage?” Note: the things in life most rewarding don’t feel natural in the moment. Most of us don’t feel like getting out of bed in the morning, but as some point later in the day we are glad we did. Cleaning up a child’s vomit is not a natural thing I feel like doing, but it is an expression of love in action. Love’s expression is greater if the action does not come naturally. The bottom line is the more you do it the more comfortable it will become. Your comfort is not the issue: loving your spouse is. The benefit is that in the process you will fill your spouses’ love tank and improve your marriage! The dividends are worth the investment.

Love fills three basic needs: security, self-worth and significance. At the very core of who we are, love is not only an emotional need it is also a core basic need. Love is the connection to all three of these needs being met. If I feel loved by my spouse I can relax and know that these three basic needs are met. I can face insecurity and difficulty in other areas of life if I feel secure in my mates’ love. If we feel loved we can pursue our potential in other areas of life. Conversely if we do not feel loved, we focus on differences and can view our mate as a threat to our happiness. This takes much emotional time and effort by fighting for self-worth and significance in the marriage. It then turns the marriage into a battle field instead of a safe-house. Consider the potential for you, your spouse and marriage by meeting the basic need for emotional love, through speaking his/her Love Language.

As a human race we all have soul cravings : destiny (value), intimacy (security) and meaning (significance). Those are core basic needs/cravings at an emotional AND spiritual level. Most of us believe that we are spiritual beings. So if you or your spouse are not feeling secure in these things and your emotional needs are being met, there is a spiritual deficit. Some turn to religion for the answer to these questions, others’ try to fill that craving with pleasure, work, or many other things. If you are turning to these things mentioned do you feel a deep satisfaction and fulfillment? None of the fore mentioned things will fill that void. It may fulfill for a time, but the void will return when the moment fades. What then? A relationship is designed to fill that void. Only one relationship with the only perfect person will truly meet that need and fill the void: A relationship with JESUS. There is a big difference between religion and relationship. Many people adhere to the religion of Christianity, but are missing a relationship with the only one who fills every void we have. Visit icravechange.com for more information about cravings of the soul and to learn who Jesus is.

“Is it possible to love someone you hate?” (this question was asked by one of Dr. Chapman’s clients, refer to the book) This question was asked out of a deep sense of hurt and hopelessness. Dr. Chapman says, “I went on to explain to Ann the concept of the emotional tank and the fact that when the tank is low, as hers was, we have no love feelings toward our spouse but simply experience emptiness and pain.” He goes on to explain the plan they came up with and worked on over the next six months. The first point to understand is that it is all one sided, you cannot have expectations of reciprocation. Here is the plan: 1. Decide what your fondest wish would be, this is your goal (it will probably sound impossible) 2. Identify his/her love language 3.) Ask him/her for ways you can improve as a spouse, (accept the answer as fact, without emotions), if a suggestion is offered, do it. 4.) Stop all verbal complaints to your spouse. (Keep track in a journal if necessary for you to vent.) 5.) After a month ask how you are doing, ask for feedback. 6.) Once he/she offers the first positive feedback, wait a week and then make a simple specific request, in your love language. Ex. Of quality time “remember how we used to play games together, when we were dating? Can we play a game on Thursday night?” Make a specific request each month, if he/she does it great, if not that is fine. This teaches him/her your needs in the process without nagging. 7.) Keep track of complaints during the entire six months without expressing them to your spouse. You need to learn how to share them and communicate at a later date. This plan worked for Ann, she saw her husband move from uncaring and her feeling unloved to a transformed marriage. If your marriage is at this place, we recommend you buy the book and read it before you start. It will be a VERY big loving sacrifice to follow this plan, BUT we believe in miracles: the miracle of love and the difference Jesus makes.

Millions of people around the world turn to prayer and the Bible as a source of help when dealing with difficult situations. Both offer comfort and the realization that you are not alone in this - there is hope and help. Remember, God is the ultimate source of help and He loves you just as you are. Philipians 4:6: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."