Touch means many things to many people. In a cultural sense it is a greeting, could be a handshake, or a hug, or a kiss on the cheek. Most North American men would be uncomfortable greeting another man with the European hug and kiss. There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to touch in every culture. Within marriage the propriety of touch is decided between the two people in the couple.

Love Languages are unique to each person as a means of feeling and expressing love in a relationship. It goes beyond, “Yes, I like that” and hits a core deep inside, “That makes me feel special and loved.” For the spouse with this love language they feel that, “ I really need touch both sexual and non-sexual to know I am loved”. The reason Love Languages are so important to understand is that, two people can really love and care for each other and tell each other often, but just as with a language barrier, the louder you shout does not matter if you do not speak the same language. The same is true with Love Languages. You may feel that you are each expressing love, but the other missing it completely.

There are many ways of touching and feeling loved. The preferred touch will be up to the individual. Just because you like it does not always transfer to the other person. Each language has its own dialects. What means the most to the individual is an expression of the particular dialect and will be different person to person. Take time to learn the dialect for your spouse if this is their language, or conversely express to your spouse your priorities if this is your language. Don’t assume the touch that brings pleasure to you will elicit the same response from your spouse. Don’t insist on your idea your way and your time. Do take advantage of important loving communication by working to understand each other.

Sex is important to many people as evidenced clearly in our North American culture. The way to differentiate between a fun thing to do and Love Language dialect is this: Do you feel loved with this expression? Do you feel a deep sense of acceptance and satisfaction with sexual intimacy? Do you feel deeply rejected and unloved if your partner does not initiate sex with you? Do you feel a sense of insecurity and lack self-worth tied to sex? Does lack of touch cause you to withdraw from the relationship? The answers to these questions will give an indicator if Sexual expression is a dialect of Physical touch for you or your spouse. In the book Gary tells a story where the husband with this language and dialect expressed that he: 1.) took it personally and felt unattractive if she was too tired 2.) stopped initiating sex, because he did not want to be rejected (even though she had no idea he wanted her to initiate) Finally, he waited for her to initiate touch with him in any way and kept track of the time: at one point they went six weeks with no physical touch at all. He found it unbearable and withdrew even more, feeling, “rejected, unwanted, and un-loved.” Seeing this in black and white may be an important wakeup call for your marriage. Sex is quite complicated, there is far more to it than we really comprehend. Understanding this may revolution your marriage or it may be only part of the picture for you. Remember any love language must be given and received freely, not demanded, coerced, or manipulated; in this language that would strain, and cause extreme frustration for both parties.

TALK: communication is SO important. Start with talking about your Love Languages and identifying each first. Then have an open dialogue about what is special for each of you. What makes you feel the most loved and really fills your emotional tank. Have this discussion in a non-conflict time. Don’t wait until you are mad about sex or are feeling rejected; that will turn it into a fight. Initiate some marriage building time, when you are both relaxed, not pressed for time, not interrupted and talk about what is important to each of you. Use understanding and a desire to learn. Leave out accusations and criticism. Focus on what you do like not on what is not being done. Make sure you include priorities. Like “If you only had time for one touch this is what I like the most”. If there is more time, these are my top three desires. Make sure you include both sexual and non-sexual touch in the conversation. Keep in mind the spouse with this language has the final say on what they like; you are the one learning his/her language. Remember that in order to be effective, neither of you can feel coerced or without choices. This needs to be a gift freely given and received. See what happens from there.

Simply put: explicit touch demands your full attention, like a back rub or sexual touch. Implicit touch can be done in passing or while doing something else, like watching TV, reaching out when you walk past, or holding hands as you walk together. Both will be necessary for the person who receives love in this language. It can be exciting to come up with new ways of expressing explicit touching. So experiment and have some fun while learning! Talking about displaying affection in front of others and how that is done will be important for some couples. For others they may more naturally think the same things are ok or not ok. For example: What types of affection are ok to display in front of the kids? Or what types of affection are you comfortable with in front of either set of parents? Be respectful of each others’ differences here. If it makes one of you quite uncomfortable, then wait for alone time for that. Family of origin makes a big difference in this area.

When we meet someone in crisis often our first response is to hug them. Why? Because someone in crisis needs reassurance of love. The Physical Touch of a hug expresses that you care and assures them of your love. It is a powerful tool to communicate that you care. That is exactly what someone in crisis needs, love and reassurance. All marriages will face crisis at some point. Remember that physical touch is a wonderful communication that you care during crisis. In fact crisis provides a unique opportunity to express your love and care for that other person.

The spouse with unmet emotional needs will feel unloved. That is the purpose of learning what Love Language each of you speaks, is to communicate love for each other. The opposite is quite true too, without expression in their language; they will feel unloved and possibly rejected. That may not be the intent or expression of the other spouse, but it does not negate those feelings. Initiation means a lot to the spouse with this language. A small touch says, “I am thinking of you, I love you, you are important to me”. While it may mean none of those things to someone without this language it is a clear statement in this language. Physical touch is meaningful to everyone, but for a person with this language it is like shouting. For example: a slap in the face is harmful to everyone, but to a child with this language it would be devastating. The same is true with a hug, all children benefit from a hug, but it screams acceptance to the child with this language. The same is true for adults.

Millions of people around the world turn to prayer and the Bible as a source of help when dealing with difficult situations. Both offer comfort and the realization that you are not alone in this - there is hope and help. Remember, God is the ultimate source of help and He loves you just as you are. Philipieans4:6: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."