This is the time of year when many people look at their debt situation and shudder.

They’ll begin with high hopes. But many of them will quit before reaching their goal, disappointed, discouraged and defeated. Is there something that they could have done differently that would have given them a better chance at success? I think so.

You can find all kinds of advice about how to get out of debt. The web is full of the stuff. But, when you boil it all down, there are three things that form a foundation for a get out of debt effort.

1. Don’t expect immediate results. You won’t be getting out of debt in a matter of days or weeks. The only way to eliminate your debts quickly is to inherit a large sum of money, win the lottery or declare bankruptcy. The first two are unlikely. The third may remove debts quickly, but you’ll suffer with a lower credit score for years to come.

Recognize that it will probably take about as long to get out of debt as it took you to get into it. You can speed up the process but you won’t eliminate debt that took 10 years to accumulate in 10 months. You can shorten the time by being aggressive in your payback plan, but it still will be a long process.

What’s the take-away? You need to be prepared for a marathon race. This is not a sprint. If you’re prepared for the long haul you won’t be disappointed and discouraged when a year passes and you haven’t eliminated all your debts. You’ll expect a long battle and be ready to fight it.

2. You need a good plan. A good plan will stand the test of time. The longer you work with a good plan, the more you appreciate its usefulness. There are a number of good plans readily available. You may find that one is particularly well suited to your situation.

Any good plan will have a number of characteristics:

1. It will include all your debts. That’s important to help you see the whole picture.
2. It will help you evaluate exactly how bad your debt situation is. Not only will you know how much you owe, but you’ll know how much it’s costing you in interest each month/year.
3. It will include a priority of which debts to pay off first – smallest to biggest? Highest to lowest interest rate?
4. It will allow you to know how much money you’ll have each month to repay debts.
5. It will free you from having decisions to make each month. You know how much money you’ll have and which debt is being reduced first. The decision is already made. It’s just a matter of executing your plan.
6. It will allow you to calculate an approximate date that you’ll be debt free.
7. It will help you monitor your progress. You should be able to predict where you’ll be 6 months from now. And, then compare your actual results to that prediction.
8. It will take your personality into account. Some people need the motivation of seeing many small accounts being repaid quickly.
9. Others are happier watching the average interest rate their paying decrease each month. A good plan will be tailored to your personality.

A good plan will do all those things. Some offer other bells and whistles. But any good plan should do all of the above things. If your plan doesn’t do them, keep looking for one that does. This job is hard enough with a good plan. Don’t weigh yourself down with a bad one.

3.  Find a way to keep yourself motivated throughout the process. Once again, you’ll need to know what would encourage you when you’re thinking of quitting. For some people, rewards along the way work well. Perhaps a nice dinner or that coffee maker you’ve wanted would be a good reward when your car loan is repaid. Knowing that a reward is within reach could be enough to keep you going.

For others one big reward at the end is the best motivation. I know of people who’ve wanted to go on a cruise for years. They’ve added the cost of the cruise to their debts. And when it’s all paid off they’ll be packing their bags. To remind them now, they’ve posted pictures of cruise ships around the house as a continual reminder.

Getting out of debt is a tough challenge, but it’s a worthwhile one. And it’s one that you can accomplish with the right tools and sufficient determination!

Take the next step:
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These changes really won’t happen overnight, so don’t take the book’s title as a guarantee. If your child is mouthy, moody, and mean, it will take persistence and radical change on your part to nudge him or her out of the corner your child is in. That persistence takes a while. But nevertheless, I truly believe that everything Leman says is right on. I don’t think there’s anything I disagreed with.

Asking the right questions

In the beginning of the book, he says that when it comes to raising teens the main question is not “why do kids start drinking or smoking or doing drugs or sleeping around?” It’s “why do so many teenagers choose not to drink, not to do drugs, not to sleep around, and not to stay out later than their agreed-upon curfew?” Figure that out, and you’ve figured out the secret to raising teens.

His first big point is that people behave a certain way because they think it will get them something. In other words, people are purposive: they do things a certain way because it meets a need. So if your child is mouthy, disrespectful, or dangerous, understand that they are doing that because it is getting them some reward. When your child acts disrespectfully towards you, ask yourself this: what is my child gaining by this? If your son is always ordering you around, asking you “where are my gym shorts?”, and you’re tired of him being so lazy, ask yourself this: what does he gain by it? If you immediately go and locate his gym shorts for him, you’re reinforcing his behavior. You’re the cause.

As Leman says, “if it didn’t work, he wouldn’t be using [that approach].” Get that concept, and you’re a long way to being a better parent.

Happiness is not the goal

The next concept that really stood out to me, and one that I am guilty of forgetting, is that an unhappy teenager is a healthy teenager.

None of us is happy 24/7, and so why should we expect our teenager to be? Going through obstacles is part of life. Let them learn that. Your job is not to make your child happy; it is to stand beside them and support them and point them to God when things don’t go right.

But perhaps you’re not a permissive parent, bending over yourself to make your child’s life go well. Maybe you’re the opposite end of the spectrum, expecting your child to do your every bidding. To you, Leman says:

“The point of being a parent is not to control your children; rather, it’s to encourage and partner with them, seeing the long view and the big picture.”

And what is that big picture? It’s that once kids are teens, we should be less involved in disciplining them and more in discipling them. We should be pointing them to consequences and teaching them to see what life is really like, so that they can choose to grow closer to God.

Teaching responsibility vs rule following

Many people may blanch a bit at some of Leman’s theories. For instance, he’s not a big one on curfews. He doesn’t set a curfew; instead, he tells his kids: “be home at a reasonable hour”, because by this time he believes that they will do what is reasonable (and if they don’t, they don’t get the car next time). But that only works if you’ve been discipling them and teaching them to be respectful for quite a while. It won’t work in five days.

One great area of relief that I felt when I read his book was about computer time. I have always said that kids should not have computers in their rooms, and yet for the last year my children have done just that. Because we homeschool and they take online courses, they work at their desks. That means they have access to Facebook. But my oldest also has a cell phone, and so she has access to texts and Facebook there, too. Am I a bad mother?

No, says Leman. Technology is everywhere these days. What you need to do instead is teach balance and help your children make good choices. If your child can’t be trusted on Facebook by themselves, don’t let them on. But if they’re trustworthy, it’s okay. I know my kids are trustworthy (though I still monitor them). The hard part about homeschooling is that they don’t always do their work at specific times. Sometimes I come in and find my oldest daughter texting at different times during the day. I used to get mad at her, but I’ve decided that’s the wrong approach. She’ll be out on her own in less than two years, and she’ll have to learn how to discipline herself.

So instead what we’ve done is set up a school schedule, where she has to get certain assignments done by a certain date. If they’re not done, she has to work well into the night to finish. That way the responsibility is in her hands. If she texts all day, she’ll have to work at night. But she can get them done during the day if she tries hard enough and I’m not hounding her all the time. I’m not setting up unnecessary rules. I’m just teaching her to be responsible on her own.

My children are very responsible, and so I would trust them in a variety of situations that I may warn others against. The key is just what foundation your children have. Build a foundation of love, acceptance, trust, and firm expectations on your kids, and they will tend to go in the right direction. Build a foundation where kids don’t have responsibility, and they will tend to exhibit irresponsibility.

Have a New Teenager by Friday is a refreshing book, and for parents who are at a loss as to how to respond to eye rolling, talking back, sibling fights, or failing grades, the second half of the book with specific advice on specific things is incredibly useful. For the rest of us, it’s a good reminder to build the foundation right, and keep the end in mind. We’re in the business of raising responsible, godly adults. So let’s get to it!

Take the next step: 

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