How are the two of you doing?

The first thing you need to know is this: a baby won’t fix your marriage struggles. If you feel this is a good way to help your relationship then you are totally wrong. A baby complicates issues. You don’t have to have a perfect marriage, just don’t decide to have a baby as a cure.

Are you physically ready?

Schedule a checkup with your doctor for each of you and tell him/her what you are planning. You can get great advice on vitamins, supplements and discover any problems that need to be dealt with.  Just a heads up, especially for the guys: your sex life will change when baby arrives. You need to be prepared to take a back seat with your needs. Each woman is different but be ready for change.

Are you financially ready?

See a Financial Planner. You don’t need money to talk with a planner and most are free. Tell them your plans and ask for their advice. Ask about Disability Insurance and Life Insurance. Get a second opinion if you want. Start putting aside money right now for the baby’s needs. Talk with friends discretely about what you will need to purchase just to start out. Also make sure you have a current will. Check to see what policies your employer has for Leave of Absence, child care and any other benefits they may offer.

Take a Trip!

It’s great to celebrate your decision as a couple by taking a trip. Make sure you aren’t spending all your “baby” money but have fun!  This could be your last, “just the two of us” trip for some time, so make the most of it.

Waiting for the perfect situation?

Circumstances are never perfect.  For some couples waiting until they can “afford” a baby will launch them well past the age of fertility.  So keep this list in mind but don’t wait for life to be perfect, jump in!  Keep in mind that you afford what is important, both in time and in finances. Your children will be important.  You won’t have all the answers and life won’t be perfect, but you can do it!

So now that you have taken care of those details, end the birth control, learn your cycle and let the “trying” begin!

Take the next step:

Making the transition to motherhood
Choosing a name for baby
Video: And baby makes three
Tips for new Moms 

This is the time of year when many people look at their debt situation and shudder.

They’ll begin with high hopes. But many of them will quit before reaching their goal, disappointed, discouraged and defeated. Is there something that they could have done differently that would have given them a better chance at success? I think so.

You can find all kinds of advice about how to get out of debt. The web is full of the stuff. But, when you boil it all down, there are three things that form a foundation for a get out of debt effort.

1. Don’t expect immediate results. You won’t be getting out of debt in a matter of days or weeks. The only way to eliminate your debts quickly is to inherit a large sum of money, win the lottery or declare bankruptcy. The first two are unlikely. The third may remove debts quickly, but you’ll suffer with a lower credit score for years to come.

Recognize that it will probably take about as long to get out of debt as it took you to get into it. You can speed up the process but you won’t eliminate debt that took 10 years to accumulate in 10 months. You can shorten the time by being aggressive in your payback plan, but it still will be a long process.

What’s the take-away? You need to be prepared for a marathon race. This is not a sprint. If you’re prepared for the long haul you won’t be disappointed and discouraged when a year passes and you haven’t eliminated all your debts. You’ll expect a long battle and be ready to fight it.

2. You need a good plan. A good plan will stand the test of time. The longer you work with a good plan, the more you appreciate its usefulness. There are a number of good plans readily available. You may find that one is particularly well suited to your situation.

Any good plan will have a number of characteristics:

1. It will include all your debts. That’s important to help you see the whole picture.
2. It will help you evaluate exactly how bad your debt situation is. Not only will you know how much you owe, but you’ll know how much it’s costing you in interest each month/year.
3. It will include a priority of which debts to pay off first – smallest to biggest? Highest to lowest interest rate?
4. It will allow you to know how much money you’ll have each month to repay debts.
5. It will free you from having decisions to make each month. You know how much money you’ll have and which debt is being reduced first. The decision is already made. It’s just a matter of executing your plan.
6. It will allow you to calculate an approximate date that you’ll be debt free.
7. It will help you monitor your progress. You should be able to predict where you’ll be 6 months from now. And, then compare your actual results to that prediction.
8. It will take your personality into account. Some people need the motivation of seeing many small accounts being repaid quickly.
9. Others are happier watching the average interest rate their paying decrease each month. A good plan will be tailored to your personality.

A good plan will do all those things. Some offer other bells and whistles. But any good plan should do all of the above things. If your plan doesn’t do them, keep looking for one that does. This job is hard enough with a good plan. Don’t weigh yourself down with a bad one.

3.  Find a way to keep yourself motivated throughout the process. Once again, you’ll need to know what would encourage you when you’re thinking of quitting. For some people, rewards along the way work well. Perhaps a nice dinner or that coffee maker you’ve wanted would be a good reward when your car loan is repaid. Knowing that a reward is within reach could be enough to keep you going.

For others one big reward at the end is the best motivation. I know of people who’ve wanted to go on a cruise for years. They’ve added the cost of the cruise to their debts. And when it’s all paid off they’ll be packing their bags. To remind them now, they’ve posted pictures of cruise ships around the house as a continual reminder.

Getting out of debt is a tough challenge, but it’s a worthwhile one. And it’s one that you can accomplish with the right tools and sufficient determination!

Take the next step:
Managing debt starts with a plan
Digging out of debt 
Take a lesson: How to beat stress

1. Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.
2. A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife. When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.
3. Men are insecure. Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life — not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.
4. Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family. Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.
5. Men want more sex. Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.
6. Sex means more than sex. When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!
7. Men struggle with visual temptation. This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex” that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear.
8. Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic. True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?
9. Men care about their wife’s appearance. This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.
10. Men want their wives to know how much they love them. This was the number one response of men. Men aren’t confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact.

Drifting seems to be a norm for many relationships after the honeymoon phase ends.   Life gets busy, things pile up and it’s easy for other things to become a priority and take center stage.  If you have kids, even more so. Not to mention the daily stressors of life.  After a while the time and energy you once put into your relationship is diverted to other things.  A subtle drift sets in.  For many marriages this becomes the status quo. . . until one day you seem very far apart and don’t know what happened.

Crisis can become another factor in drifting apart.  Crisis can accelerate the divide much more intensely and quickly.  Crisis is what really impacted our family.

Several years ago some major health and financial issues hit our family.   It was the beginning of a very stressful time in our lives.  It felt like a giant wave had just picked us up and carried us to an unwanted, unexpected place and dumped us there.  We had no choice, no control and didn’t know when or how we would get back to familiar territory.   We faced many challenges including a major reversal in our roles.  I stepped back into the workforce after being a stay at home mom for fifteen years. My husband’s health limited him.  There was a lot of stress as my husband, our kids and I adjusted to the new norm.   I adopted a “do what needs to be done to get through” mindset.  My focus became very narrow.  I needed to protect.  I needed to provide.  I forged ahead.  This crisis really impacted our marriage.  Knowing that logically and living it in reality are two different things.

A year ago I realized the way we were functioning was not good for our marriage or our family -long term. Stress behavior needed to transition back to a “normal” mode of functioning.  My husband and I realized just how much of a toll it was taking on our marriage.  It was time to step back and take inventory.

The cost had been high.  Some of it was expected, given all that had happened, but we realized we didn’t want our marriage to stay where it was.   So now what?  How were we going to get to a better place relationally when it was clear our circumstances were never going back to the way they were?

We had to be intentional. 

Being intentional about marriage can take many forms.  For us, there were several steps to our process.  The first step was to take inventory.  We had to ask what this had cost us individually, our marriage, and our kids.  Then based on the inventory results we developed a plan.

The plan started with both of us working on self first.  We had to be intentional about what we each needed as individuals in order to be healthy before we focused on our marriage.  At that point working on self was the beginning point for working on our marriage. 

Next, we looked at communication.  Communication is a key part of every marriage.  It becomes even more important when you hit a crisis.  Our inventory surfaced some communication issues we needed to work on.  Top of the list was being honest and open while considering wise timing.  I had to learn to be more open about things I had been keeping to myself, but I needed to consider timing and not just dump when I felt I needed to.  Timing can be the difference between a discussion going well or becoming a disaster.  We also had to learn a balance between over communicating and under communicating.

The next step was identifying and being proactive about our different Love Languages.  We had given lip service to that concept but now we began to act on it.  We made a priority of understanding and being purposeful about each other’s love language. For example, my primary languages are Quality Time and Receiving Gifts.  It was amazing to both of us how even the littlest thing my husband did with that in mind made huge deposits into my emotional love tank.

We also recognized we needed to prioritize time to build our marriage.  This would mean different things at different times.  Going out on a date and leaving behind the difficulties of our circumstances was important.  We had to be intentional about not using our date time to talk about negative things; this was our “fun” time.  We needed to have fun together and enjoy each other.  But at other times we needed to discuss things we had been avoiding.  So we learned to set aside a specific time to talk about “that” issue and not put it off any longer.  In fact, we started having a regular time for these “business” discussions. We both knew when the conversation would be so we could prepare and know what to expect.  The range of issues were varied; sometimes finances, scheduling, health, parenting, or relational health for our marriage.  We still meet once a week to deal with the “business” side of marriage and we always leave the house.  We go get a coffee or go for a drive.  We’ve come to see that we need specific time for fun and time to talk through the bigger issues of our life and our marriage.  Both are really important.

In the midst of all the difficulty, the key to being intentional about our marriage was to reestablish our commitment.   Statistically, it’s in times of hardship that divorce rates sky rocket. But being intentional about commitment can be the driving force that moves you forward through the hardship.  When our wave swept over us, our commitment was a very key foundation.  Commitment is defined as:  devotion or dedication to a cause, person, or relationship.  Part of this devotion and dedication to our relationship was to look for positives in our marriage and in each other.  I made a list of the things I appreciate about my husband.  I mentally refer to the list at random times.  Especially when I’m frustrated!

The next step in our journey of intentionality was resources – books, workbooks, videos and articles -  many of them from FamilyLifecanada.com.  It is amazing how God provided resources for me when I needed them.  Sometimes it came in the form of a well-timed email or phone call.  Sometimes it was as simple as a text message from a friend that said “I care”.  Friends were our best resource.  We were not meant to walk through life alone.  Community brings care, as well as life experience and helpful insights.  A very important part of our plan was wise counsel and accountability with people we could be really honest with.

Today, a year later, I see much progress.  Sometimes it was hard to detect in the midst of the difficulty and sometimes it came in unexpected or even unwanted ways.  But it was there when I looked for it.  There’s more needed, but after 22 years of marriage I realize that will always be the case.  We are a work in progress.  Thankfully we are progressing; not just drifting unawares or dividing because of crisis.

Intentionality in a relationship is SO important.   And it’s especially important when your crisis “wave” hits.  But let me encourage you, there is a way through:  be intentional, make a plan and move forward.

For ideas about being intentional refer to the book The Love Dare by Stephen Kendrick.  To learn more about the Love Languages read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend is a great resource for healthy boundaries in marriage.  For those struggling with the unexpected wave hitting Plan B by Pete Wilson or Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb are good books.  Finally for those struggling through grief I found A Grace Disguised very helpful.

In today’s “anything goes” culture what are the parameters for good sex between a Christian husband and wife?

God definitely has something to say on this topic.  First and most important, is the necessity that each spouse honors the other’s comfort level, respectfully. True love does not force someone to do something that causes them pain, shame or discomfort, be it physical or emotional.  If one spouse puts on the brakes, the other needs to honor that.  However, I’ve also discovered that for women who have been sexually abused or had sexual trauma in their past, their sexual comfort level can be skewed, in that ANYTHING associated with sex causes them discomfort or even disgust. For those women, healing is needed in order to see sexuality as God created it – a good and wonderful thing between husband and wife.  For more information refer to my article Healing from your Sexual Past or my book Kiss Me Again:  Restoring Lost Intimacy in Marriage

When it comes to knowing what is appropriate in God’s eyes, ask these three questions:

1. Is it prohibited in Scripture?
If it isn’t prohibited in Scripture, then it’s allowed. Sometimes a study of biblical terms will be necessary to answer this question. For example, the Bible does not use the word pornography, yet, is very clear that the use of pornography is prohibited in Scripture. God talks about sexual immorality and sexual impurity, including obscenity – these are all words that would describe pornography. I have talked to many Christian couples who felt that pornography within marriage is okay. However, I would argue based on my study of the Scriptures, and the damage caused by pornography, that God’s language on this topic prohibits the making, viewing and distributing of pornography.

2. Is it beneficial?
2 Corinthians 6:12 says, “Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but I will not be mastered by anything.” If your activity is not prohibited, ask God to show you if it’s causing you, your spouse or your marriage harm in any way. Often what is right for one person, could trigger painful things for someone else, and therefore, cause pain for you and your marriage. Don’t allow anything into your bedroom that becomes an obsession for one or both of you.  Don’t choose something that may demoralize, or replace the other.

3. Does it involve anyone else?
This one is really important, because in Hebrews 13:4, God implores us to honor our marriage bed and keep it pure. He gave sex as an amazing, bonding gift within marriage, between a husband and a wife. Whenever we bring anyone else into our marriage bed, even through pornography or in fantasy in our minds, we have crossed into the prohibited area according to God.

I would also caution you to be careful how much you talk about your “marital bedroom”.  What happens between a husband and wife is private and personal.  You need to trust one another that what you do with each other is not a topic of conversation with others.  The key is to honor and respect your partner in all things, which includes what we talk about with others.  There is a very fine line of what is appropriate and what is not.

God loves us so much, and because He is our Creator He knows exactly what we need, what will hurt us, and what will be good for us and help us thrive. His guidelines are not to punish us or ruin our fun, but to provide the best for us, and to protect us from incredible heartbreak, pain and damage.  So with that in mind have fun together and enjoy what God created for pleasure!

Take the next step:

How you can have better sex
Reconciling your sexual past with your marriage
Say “Yes” to more sex

“So is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”  (Isaiah 55:11)

God speaks with a purpose, but sometimes it can be hard to know what that purpose is. Knowing the ways God speaks will help us determine if He is speaking to us, and what He is saying.

God speaks in various ways. One is called general revelation: through the world he made (water, colors, animals, etc.). This way of speaking will most likely come through something you enjoy about nature. If you love water and are amazed by its beauty and power, chances are God will speak to you through water.

He also speaks through His Word and the Scriptures. When God says who He is and what he desires of his people in the Scriptures, that never changes. Those recorded words can and do speak to humanity forever.

God also speaks through his people, the Church. Gifts of prophecy, encouragement, and exhortation can be God-given signs and messages that are often delivered on a very personal level.

God, thank you for speaking. I marvel at the many ways in which you speak to your children. Holy Spirit, keep me attentive to the ways in which you are speaking to me. Amen.

Questions: How might God speaking to you? In what ways can you be more attentive to His voice?

Facebook has dominated our world!

If you’ve been on the sidelines waiting for “the fad” to fade or have been dabbling with social media and waiting for the frenzy to die down, it is not going away anytime soon.  Facebook has cemented itself so much into our culture and way of life that it’s here to stay. In this season of new commitments and hopeful promises, here’s a bit of New Year’s advice: get on the social media train!

To help you get more out of social media (and for social media to get more out of you), here are 11 resolutions for you to consider as we kick off a new year:

1. Join the party – If you’ve been a social media spectator until now, start participating. Connect with people you know on Facebook, network with people in your field of business with LinkedIn, or exchange information with people you may or may not know on Twitter. You could also find some other social network to join so that the multi-dimensional, real-time interactions become a part of you and you become a part of it. The party is waiting for you to arrive!

2. Engage more – There are a lot of different names for them: virtual voyeurs, online lurkers, or Facebook gawkers. While they’ve joined a social network, these people just read what others are posting, and keep to themselves. That’s like going to a party, sitting in the corner and watching people have a good time, listening into their conversations, and ignoring anyone trying to talk to you. If this describes you, then this social media resolution is all about you! There’s a reason social media is called SOCIAL…people engage with each other.  Go ahead and give it a try!

3. Watch the clock – Social media can be really addictive. Especially when you’re starting out. For some, reality and virtual reality get so intertwined that they can’t seem to separate the two. For others, their online connections take precedence over their real-time relationships. If you spend more than two hours a day on social media sites, set a timer for a certain amount of time (15-60 minutes) and once the alarm goes off, log off until the next day. Watching the clock with social media will give you time to pay attention to the more important things of life, like your kids, your spouse and your health.

4. Be interesting – There is a reason people connect with you through social media: they want to get to know you better. Stop hiding behind other people’s quotes or passing on something someone else has posted.  Speak for yourself!  Don’t stress out if nobody responds to your post.  Find your voice and let it be heard (or read) and you’ll be surprised how much more fulfilling social media can be.

5. Branch out – Most people embarked on the online network journey with Facebook. If you feel like you’ve got a good grasp on your Facebook friends, try making connections on LinkedIn, or follow and be followed on Twitter. So many of these sites are interconnected, making it easy to jump from one social network to another, yet each site offers something unique, different and worthwhile. Get adventurous and go explore another social media site – you might be surprised by what you discover!

6. Set up guard rails – There is a line between doing the right thing and wrong thing with social media. The challenge is that there’s no map pointing out where that line is. There’s no set of written rules or a list of proper social media etiquette. Unfortunately, people usually discover the line by crossing it. Be proactive. Set up your own set of boundaries (e.g. rules and etiquette) to protect yourself, your marriage and your family. Guard rails prevent problems from happening, and keep issues from getting out of hand if a problem does arise.

7. Have “the talk”- If you’re in a relationship and involved with social media, then a conversation about how social media impacts your relationship is inevitable. The question is: will the discussion occur before or after a relationship-related issue erupts? By setting up some mutual guard rails, agreed upon time limits and other social media house rules, couples and families can avoid a lot of headache, heartache and hassle. This is not the type of discussion you can text, IM, email, or video chat. You need to get face-to-face and TALK.

8. Go mobile – All the experts predict that in the near future, more people will shift a bulk of their internet and social media experience to a smartphone. Millions of people already access social media sites from their mobile phone. And millions more will make the leap to greater mobility. Why not you? It’s the way of the future for the internet, social media and gaming.  Give it a try!

9. Avoid the drama – We all have them – high-maintenance Facebook friends. They post status updates intended to create a reaction. They comment on updates that spark drama. They have something to say about everything, and nothing is off limits. You cringe when you see their profile picture. This is the year to move beyond “Hide” and discover how to unfriend or block your if-it-were-TV-they’d-be-a-featured-guest-on-Jerry-Springer friend.

10. Show P.D.A. the right way – People post updates as a substitute for a thank you card or to publicly show appreciation to someone. The problem is, their attempt to bring a virtual ego-boost to the person fails miserably and the person never sees the written praises. Make this the year of learning how to correctly hotlink people on Facebook. Just typing their name does not ensure they see it. Add the “@” sign in front of their name and they will see your special display of affection.

11. Give credit where credit is due – Plagiarism is rampant within social media. Cite the source when you’re sharing info, videos, pictures, or links. When using someone else’s update as your own, at least give them credit.  A simple citation of who you got whatever you’re sharing from is the right thing to do.

Play your part in social media and let it play its part in your life!

Take the next step:

Facebook for couples: 8 Things to do today
 Learn to speak your spouse’s love language
What’s your communication style?