“God what are you doing?” I wondered.  The house had seemed like such a miracle, and now we were so disappointed.  We said yes to the second house, but were still in grief over the first one.  During that time the movie preview was postponed to 1:30.  At 1:20 my daughter said to me, “Mom lets go to a movie.” I suddenly remembered Courageous and we ran out the door.

I was not expecting the range of emotions that Courageous took me on.  I laughed, (really laughed) I cried (get-out-the-tissues-and-pass-them-down-the-row cried). I enjoyed it and the values resonated deep in my spirit.  Values are very important to me and it was great to see a movie with such a strong message about priorities.

It brought me to tears

At one point during the film my eleven year old asked why I was crying.  (Any parent will understand why I was crying, but it was lost on her.)  I was crying because I love my kids SO much, and because we are SO rich because we have them.  I cried because I miss my son and daughter who live in heaven.  I cried for the reminder to appreciate my family and take seriously my responsibility and to laugh and dance and spend time with them. I cried because no matter where we live we are together and we have each other and THAT is what matters MOST.

I walked out of the theatre with a new perspective.  We already have the thing that is the most important. I was still disappointed to lose the house, but chose to focus with gratitude on the great things about our new home instead.  Perspective can make all the difference.  I have recently learned that if we want to control our emotions we need to control our thoughts.  It sounds simple but is hard to practice.

Courageous reminds us to focus on what is truly important: family, values, integrity.  These are the things that last beyond the moment.  I love my family and if we live in a shack and are safe and healthy, we still have much to be thankful for!

It takes courage to face both the daily things and the BIG things that life throws at us.  This movie features several men who face both the big and small decisions with priorities based on family values.  I was truly moved.

As a Christian who fully embraces the values of the film, I would love to see you all go opening weekend so that we can make a statement that good movies are wanted in our culture.  This movie’s message is SO important for our culture.  The next generation needs parents focused on character, love, integrity, involvement, and time spent together.

Get more tips on how you can be a better father:
Creative Parenting
When Parents Break Your Heart
Could you forgive your daughter?
Courageous: Helping Dads Excel

Courageous is a movie about five police men living with exciting careers and challenges at home.  One of them is moved to improve as a father.  His co-workers are inspired to do the same, and they resolve to be better dads.  But it doesn’t end there.  Life happens, and they have to make decisions – will they be the men of integrity as they promised when it’s hard, really hard?

This movie is exciting, funny, and action filled.  The police scenes will leave you at the edge of your seat.  You’ll roar with laughter and be moved to tears.  The movie portrays all sorts of fathers – fathers who favor one child over another, fathers of teenage daughters with boyfriends, divorced fathers and fathers who want to be better.

The press release for Courageous describes why a movie like this is so important:

Today, fatherlessness in Canada is widespread and its effects are far reaching. Studies show that fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, suicide, poor educational performance, teen pregnancy and criminality. Even in homes where the father is present, he may be struggling with career, life’s purpose or marital issues. Dads are often busy and disconnected. The movie Courageous invites men to make a profound change for the sake of their families, collectively altering the future of our nation as men put into practice what fatherhood should be.

This movie is a must-see for families. In a culture that is becoming more and more desensitized to violence, Courageous adds some sensitivity back.  Take your spouse, buddy, co-worker, brother-in-law, and vow to make a difference in the lives of children around you.  Dare to be courageous – it’s not too late.

Courageous opens in select theatres September 30^th.

Resources available

Resources have been created for small group studies and individual resolutions for men as well as women.  Churches are encouraged to hold small groups and continue the process of fathers building stronger families.  You can find these resources and more at http://courageouscanada.ca/resources

Are you a Dad wanting to make a difference in your child’s life? Get more tips:

Creative Parenting
When Parents Break Your Heart
Could you forgive your daughter?
Courageous

Not every girl gets to be Daddy’s little girl. Many are missing the father-daughter relationship that is so essential for any child to have. The following excerpt is from H. Norman Wright’s

I’d like to begin this first chapter with June’s story. In many ways her story mirrors the cry of countless daughters just like you, who struggle with the effects of a dad who wasn’t there for them. Year after year they cry: Daddy, where are you? Who are you?

My son was born five years ago. He’s a healthy, energetic child. At least he appeared to be healthy at birth. But a few days later we discovered he had a defect. It wasn’t visible. No one could see it. But it was there, and it was serious. He had a hole in his heart. He was born that way. Within a week after we discovered it, the doctors opened his chest and repaired that hole in his little heart. He was able to go on with his life in a normal manner. He’s not even aware that he had a hole in his heart.

I wish I could say the same. My son and I are alike. We’ve both had holes in our heart. He was born that way and it was repaired. I wasn’t born with one, but over my childhood years the hole was created and it grew larger as I grew. It hasn’t been repaired, even though I’ve tried. It’s a different shape than my son’s. The hole in my heart is in the shape of my father. Physical surgery won’t repair the hole. It will take something like emotional surgery or healing for it to slowly close. I’m not sure how to go about the process. I’m confused. Is it dependent upon my father reaching into my life and somehow undoing what he did or doing what he failed to do years ago? I just want a whole heart. It’s too bad there are no heart transplants for this kind of disorder.

There are many daughters walking around with a hole in their heart in the shape of their father. They are missing something from their father that should have been given. Or he responded to them in ways that were way beyond what any daughter should have to endure. Or he simply vanished one day from their lives and hasn’t reappeared. Any of these experiences can create a hole that seemingly cannot be filled by anything else. If you think you are alone, that your pain is unique to you and your family, I hope that this book will show you that this is not true. Listen in as other adult daughters share how their dads influenced them–sometimes positively and sometimes negatively–far beyond their childhood years.

• My relationship with my father was incomplete, guarded, confusing, and sad. He was an intelligent, funny, deep, and personally likable man when sober, and an explosive, unpredictable, abusive, angry, pathetic, destructive shell of a man when drinking, which increased as time went on.

• My father and I have always had a good relationship. He has always held high standards, but they were never unreasonable. I hold those same standards today–expectations that people should always try their best, be polite, behave themselves, and make something of themselves, but also not to allow ambition to get in the way of happiness. I can talk to my father about anything and feel very comfortable asking his advice on things relating to finances, politics, and life in general. We have grown closer as I have gotten older because we share the same love of history and good conversation about important things, plus we both have grown spiritually over the past five to ten years. I have never felt anything but good about our relationship in general, though of course there were times when we may not have seen eye to eye, as there are in any father/daughter relationship.

• My father was not available for me emotionally. I do not recall ever discussing struggles or problems with him or seeking his counsel. I recall asking his advice about a boyfriend once when I was in college. I had consciously decided to offer him the opportunity to give me advice because I had been thinking that maybe he hadn’t given any counsel because I had never asked. I remember his responding that he really couldn’t answer the question, and that I would need to decide, because it was my life. (It was apparent that he was not comfortable with giving me advice.) He was not available to help with homework or provide advice on anything like choosing classes, extra-curricular activity options, career possibilities, my interests or life goals, moral decisions, college options, car repairs, home purchases. Although I performed well in school (A & B honor rolls) and was/am extremely responsible, I do not recall my dad offering praise or acknowledgment other than on very rare occasions, and only as a result of my mom’s prompting. (On a positive note, I know that as an adult, he is proud of me and I do know that he loves me. I observe that he asks questions about things in my life and is trying to get to know me. I am touched by these things.)

• My biological father was in my life from birth till I was approximately six and a half years old. I came five years after the loss of a two-year-old daughter. My dad spoiled me, carried me in his arms or on his shoulders. He was kind, loving, indulgent, and oh so strong. At six-and-a-half my dad had a breakdown, and I didn’t see him again until I was fourteen. By then I didn’t know him and was afraid.

• The gap between my father and me is actually growing as we get older. I’m beginning to see how disrespectful and hurtful he can be and has been in the past toward my mom. I’m having a hard time reconciling the daddy I loved as a child and the man that I recognize him to be today. I’m embarrassed by some of the things he does, but I still want to defend him to the grave. It’s painful.

• My father wasn’t there for me. Until I was thirteen, he was gone from early in the morning, after breakfast, till dinner time … to work mostly. When he was home, he retreated into a book or turned on the radio. We kids were to be seen and not heard. He played music or the news during meals. Then the summer I turned thirteen he left us, at our mom’s request. She said later that she couldn’t take his criticism and silence. I was relieved. My brother was angry. He said that ended his hope of having a dad like everyone else. I was glad that I didn’t have to pretend to sleep in on the weekends to avoid his anger. When I was engaged and brought my intended to meet him, Dad refused to shake hands with him. He stood there with his arms folded over his chest and told my fiancé that some people worked, and those who couldn’t work were teachers. My fiancé was a teacher.

• Because my father was an alcoholic, it was almost like having two fathers. When he was sober he was loving and fun. When he was drunk I became the adult, since he became the one who needed to be taken care of.

• It was a wonderful, close relationship. His love and respect for my mother was the greatest gift a man can give his family. Although I grew up during the Depression, I never doubted that he would take care of me. He was well respected in our community, and I felt it a privilege to be his daughter.

Father–a powerful word. A positive word for some and painful for others. What is a father? Who is he supposed to be, and what is he supposed to do? Sometimes in my counseling practice I have heard women describe what they wish their fathers would be or had been, and my only response has been, “He doesn’t exist anywhere.” He sounded like Superfather, who could bound from one building to another. Some create fathers in the image of what they want him to be rather than what he could ever be. Often we do this with God, our heavenly Father, too.

As I work with those in grief and trauma, I’m often given a window to look through into a person’s theology. What we believe about God really comes to the forefront when we are hurting. And so often what I hear is what people wish God would be rather than who He is according to the Scriptures. But we cannot create God in the image we want Him to be in order to satisfy our needs. He is who He is, whether that meets our approval or not.

In the same way, some women will never have the father they want, not because of a deficiency in their dad but because what they desire is unrealistic and unattainable. For others, what they want is reasonable, and it would be healthier for their dad if he were that way. But some fathers are so emotionally and/or developmentally challenged it would take years of work–maybe even therapy–for his healing to occur. Only then could his daughter hope to see the preferred change in their father-daughter relationship.

The book The Wonder of Girls–Understanding the Hidden Nature of Our Daughters by Michael Gurian is one of the best books I’ve seen on this topic. In a very succinct way the author describes the impact of a father upon his daughter. He said,

A father who is honest with his daughter about his own flaws becomes her confidant. A father who remains stoic becomes her enigma to solve. A father who distances himself too greatly from his daughter becomes a burden she carries into life. If a father always finds time to cuddle, listen to, toss in the air, dance with, run alongside, coach, comfort, and protect his daughter, he will give her her the gift of life he is built to give. If a father withholds nothing, teaching his daughter the life skills she needs to know, he shares an active kind of respect for variety in a girl’s developing self. If a father competes with his daughter in games, but especially when she is young, lets her win her share of races, he is showing her both his own humility and her potential. And as a father helps a daughter enter the worlds of sexuality, romance and then marriage, a man becomes more than an arm to walk down the aisle with–he becomes– in his daughter’s mind fearless…”

If you have struggled with your relationship with a parent, and would like someone to talk with about it, please don’t hesitate to contact us today.

Related reading: Why “Father” God? – Why refer to God as “Father”, especially with all the negative baggage that word can carry? Is there a better way to think about it?

Excerpted from A Dad-Shaped Hole in My Heart: How God Wants to Heal the Wounds Left by Your Earthly Father by H. Norman Wright. Copyright © 2005. Used by permission. Unauthorized duplication prohibited.

A Few Good Reads
What are you in the mood for? Summer is a great time to catch up on your reading. Whether you’re looking for a little mystery, some inspiration, something thought provoking, or maybe even a good laugh – chances are there is a book waiting to take you there. Don’t know which book to pick? In our new “In Other Words” video interview, Senior Editor Claire talks with Nicole about a few of their latest favorites. Read more

Take action: Want to read the bestselling book of all time? Explore our guide to How do I approach reading the Bible?

You said it: This week, Octavia commented on Dads, Princesses and the Power of Woo, saying “A very true article. The sad part is when you don’t have that special relationship with your father and you settle for receiving love and atstention from whoever is willing to give it. Growing up you do not realise that something is missing in your life, that affirmation that you are special and beautiful …” Read the rest of the comment, and check out the article to add your own thoughts: Read more

Article: Building a Backyard Sandbox
Building a sandbox is actually easy enough that the kids can be quite involved in the process. Read more

Blog: Happy Campers
Is your child ready for summer camp? How can you find out? Read more

Coming up next week: One of the topics of our upcoming online chats is “Share a Highlight from Your Spring-Share Your Goals for Summer” Join us in the chat room June 29th 2009 @ 7:00pm EST for this chat or see also our full chat calendar for other upcoming topics.

“Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?  Actually, who are you not to be?”

I am standing in a crush of three-year-old pint-sized princesses. Surrounded by sparkling tiaras and frilly dresses, these little daubs of pink and purple are up way past their collective bed time.  We giggle.  We dance.  We wait patiently for the real princess to arrive.  Well, at least a real princess played by an actress.

Finally, the moment arrives.  Belle, the beauty from Beauty & The Beast, walks in to the room.  As she comes out from backstage, I  can see it in my daughter’s eyes.  The beauty is here.  My daughter climbs out of my arms, fixes her purple dress, and runs toward her.

Running to beauty

We are all attracted to beauty.  Beauty sells magazines.  Beauty drives our self-perception.  When I counseled teens, the issue of distorted definitions of beauty came up on a weekly basis. Our society hasn’t left us wondering what beauty is.  Beauty is full lips.  Beauty is long flowing hair.  Beauty is a body shape Barbie would be envious of.  Beauty wears the right clothes, surrounded by the right friends, and always plays with the right toys.  We’ve immersed ourselves in cultural perceptions of beauty, so much so that we don’t know where to turn.  We are consumed with the concept.

As I watch my daughter wrap her arms around Belle, a concern reveals itself in my mind.  What chance do I have to speak truth into my daughter’s life?  As she grows, who will inform her on what beauty is?

I’ve been told by culture (and a few friends) that a father’s most important job is to provide. Be strong.  Be courageous.  And bring home the cash. Become “the provider for all, and the enemy of all,” as J. August Strindbergto once so eloquently wrote.  On TV the only other option is to fill the role of a bumbling, awkward individual — the comedic outlet in the family fabric (see world-famous dad Homer Simpson).  Is there room for a father to “woo” his daughter and reflect God’s heart for her?  Are those moments as rare as a dance at a graduation, followed by another at her wedding?

Wooing your daughter’s heart

The role of father is vitally important to the emotional and spiritual (not to mention relational!) well-being of a daughter.  A Dad is not just a provider, protector, and live-in comedian.  Neither is a mother only a cook, cleaner, and sole provider of “the nurture factor”.

A father has the ability, to reflect the love that the Father has for us.  He has the opportunity to “woo” his daughter’s heart – to let her taste the depth and strength of love.  He is given the capability to speak the truth of beauty deeply into the heart of his daughter.

The tragic truth is this – if fathers do not take the opportunity to speak beauty into their daughters’ lives, someone else happily will.  Turn your television on to any station and watch for a few minutes.  Volunteer to chaperone a junior high dance.  These are the prevailing voices of beauty in our culture.  These are the voices your daughter (or son) will hear every day.

I want my daughter to know that she is beautiful. Not just for the reason that she could star on Toddlers and Tiaras, or even because she is smart, and talented, and funny.  Those are all wonderful things and part of the gift of a daughter, but I want her to know that she is deeply beautiful because of Who made her.  I want her to believe that her Father desires a deep and meaningful relationship with her, and so do I.

I want to be someone she can trust, someone she can talk with, someone she can walk through life together with.  I want to be someone who can humbly and brokenly reflect the love that her Heavenly Father has for her.  I want to woo the heart of my daughter so that she knows that her beauty transcends the length of her hair, the color of her eyes, the ability with which she reads.

After all, who is she?

“…who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?  Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.”

She is a child of God — and so are you.  God has created you beautifully.

As fathers, we have the gift of engaging in our daughters’ lives meaningfully.  And to unveil the true meaning of beauty found in each of our daughters.

Take a deep breath

It’s important, Dads, to take a deep breath.  You’ve likely walked through the feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt that come with parenting already in your journey.  This segment of your daughter’s life – no matter if she is a two year old dress-twirler or a fourteen year old boy-chaser – is a great time to speak beauty into your daughter’s life.  So take few tips from a fellow bumbling live-in comedian:

> Open your ears. Chances are, if she’s older than two, she’s using more words than you do.  When you listen, you’re communicating more than attention in her life.  You’re signifying that her world is a priority and that she is worthy of your interest.

> Be in the moment with her. With a thousand other pressures confronting fathers, it is easy to tune out.  These are the moments you live for, not what’s coming for you tomorrow at work.

>Two words: date night. This is a special phrase in our house.  The word date means undivided attention over breakfast, at a restaurant, walking with candy apples.  It’s a time when my daughter can talk to her Dad.  (And believe me, she does.)

So I stand here and reflect, amidst the mass of little princesses, as my daughter embraces Belle and looks back at me.  And when she looks back, I hope she begins to understand that her daddy is in this moment with her, that she is loved, and that she is beautiful.

More Thoughts
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