Magazine racks are stocked with wedding magazines full of gowns, flawless skin and cavalier grooms posing in Armani. Celebrity unions splash front pages with their Christian Dior Haute Couture dresses and $500,000 worth of roses flown in from Ecuador. Tune into Wedding TV, glance at a Tiffany ad or read repetitive wedding language – fantasy honeymoon, dream wedding, perfect day – and it’s no wonder wedding expectations shoot past reality.

It can divert all your attention to anything other than budgets, family conflicts and what inevitably comes after the big day, the marriage.  From the experience of brides that have gone before you, take some of these ideas and tips for your wedding day to ease the stress, stay in reality and ward off sky-high expectations.

1. Get to the basics first. You might want to chase the wedding dress and flowers and frills first, but the ceremony and reception venues, as well as photographers, go the fastest and need to be booked well in advance. Start with those and everything else can follow.
2. Ditch the 10 pound planning book. It’s glossy and beautiful, but it’s anything but practical. Find something basic and you’re going to be way more likely to keep it with you and actually use it to stay organized.
3. Look for a venue that combines the things you need if you don’t want to juggle things like catering, a venue and a DJ separately. With one manager that is in tune with your vision for the day, everything is coordinated together, which is much less stressful for a lot of brides.
4. Be on the same page with your hairdresser. Don’t let them decide what would look best, but be clear with what you want.
5. Set some time aside before the flurry of last-minute preparations to think about your wedding speeches and thank-you’s. This is your chance to address everyone you love. Put some thoughts on paper so you say what you’ve always wanted to and avoid forgetting someone. Bring the piece of paper up if you need to stay focused.
6. I’ve been told countless times that if you’re going to dish out extra money on something, make it the photographer. When the confetti has been tossed and the last dance ends, you’re going to want all the laughter and love captured by a photographer that knows your style and expectations for the photos.
7. Relax, even if it’s just in the morning. Book an early hair appointment and have a wonderful time with the women in your life around tea and breakfast. You’ll make memories, enjoy their company and feel at ease before the events of the day start unfolding.
8. Communicate with your fiancée! Yes, mothers, sisters, aunts, bridesmaids and a wedding planner are going to be in constant dialogue with you about the day. But don’t let all the outside commentary leave no room for your future husband’s input. It’s a day for you as a couple, not just you. Talk with one another and communicate your expectations and hopes for the day.
9. On the same note though, don’t let talk of the wedding day inject itself into every conversation you and your future spouse have. There is a lot that needs to be organized, planned, budgeted for and discussed, but healthy boundaries will only help to keep both of you centered on your relationship and life after the wedding day.
10. Make sure you have solid premarital counseling. Conflict, sex, communication, finances and in-laws are only a few things that get covered in preparation for marriage. So find marriage mentors you trust that will guide you wisely towards your future.
11. Remember what comes after the wedding day. There’s more than just the gift opening or the honeymoon, but a marriage that comes afterwards.  You’re promising forever on your wedding day, but so often brides don’t see past midnight. Not only does seeing past the day offset some of the fallout from such a big event, it also sets you up to be focused on your relationship as husband and wife right from the start.
12. The biggest piece of advice passed around is to not let other people cloud you and your fiancée’s vision for the day. It’s your wedding. Don’t think about expectations, what others would want, what pictures the bridal magazines paint or everyone else’s opinions. You can’t please everyone. Decide what you want and don’t be afraid to stick to it.

Your wedding is a big day, but it’s not the only day. You have a lifetime of days to live together and losing sight of them will only create a struggle straight out of the gate. Plan the wedding wisely together and incorporate both your ideas for the day in a realistic way.

Maybe you won’t have a couture dress, foreign flowers or an extravagant honeymoon, but if what you do have reflects you as a couple, it will be what you always dreamed of. I guarantee you’ll look back on it and be glad you didn’t spend anywhere near $500,000 on Ecuadorian foliage.

Related reading:
Chosen: The Joy of Knowing you are Loved!
How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage (Video)

How many sentences stick out in your mind as those that took aim at a dream or challenged a purpose or pulled down a belief? Maybe one, maybe a dozen. It could be the story of your life – time and time again, your dreams fell prey to haphazard words and stinging remarks.  It could remain the story of your life or you could take these words, examine them for any worth and keep going. See, that’s the key with words. They have power, but only as much as you give them. So the great question is: how much power are you giving them?

For me, I escaped the junior high teasing and the last name mangling. The worst I got was the grade school song about being paired with a boy and “sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g”. I am so thankful I didn’t have to learn the power of negative words until I was old enough to better handle them.  I say that because, now at 24, I’ve taken in a few sharp jabs this year. The sharpest took a direct shot at my future and my dreams. I have a strong and healthy relationship with the person who said them, maybe that’s why it stung, because it was so unloving and out of character.

Careless words

I had just returned from traveling, and was telling family friends some stories. The question that inevitably follows is, “What are you going to do now?” Since I am forever full of wanderlust dreams, my mouth dove headfirst into my thoughts of places like Cambodia, Nepal and India. I mentioned my hope to grab my backpack, book a one-way flight and just go. The response? “Ah, well, someday you’ll stop trying to swim upstream.”

I couldn’t believe it. I felt like I had been asked to give up on my dreams, to be quiet and to let resignation run through my veins instead of adventure. I was too shocked to say anything at all. So I didn’t say a word. I just avoided responding and conversation turned to something else.

There were a lot of mixed feelings left in the wake of those words. In part, I was hurt and I was also quite angry. Then asked myself these questions: Why did they say that? Was it intentional? Do they know how that made me feel?  Words affect us. They linger.  When these words stuck around, I had two choices – take them to heart, or throw them out.

Take them to heart

I could have absorbed them right into my heart and allowed them to start tearing down my confidence. Negative thoughts and words can easily take the place of positive ones.   Before you know you’re repeating someone else’s unchecked words to yourself instead of strong assurances. Just one comment and out goes what you believed you could do.

Recognize their worth, and then throw them out

For me, it took about one night’s sleep to see right through these words. If someone points out that you’re fighting your way upstream, they’re most likely riding with the current and doing what everyone else is doing. There are a million reasons why they could have said it, but one thing is for sure: it wasn’t encouraging. It’s enough of a challenge to fight the current without people discouraging you from doing so.  I decided that I’m not going to make it any even bigger challenge by letting the noise of others’ opinions slow me down. Not now, not ever. Those words had no value so out they go.

Making a choice

I had a choice. You do too. You can choose to let discouraging words rip your dreams apart and make you feel small or you can refuse to let words with no value affect you. Be prepared to continue to make this choice over and over because, people are going to say reckless and off-handed things to you your whole life. The words could be about your purpose, appearance, choices or dreams. We’re human and no one will ever have complete control over their own tongue. But whatever they are taking aim at, it will always come down to a choice on your part.

So where do you stand today? Are you harboring hurt feelings over something that has been said to you? What particular instances or words still ring in your head? Take whatever words are coming to mind and look at how they have affected you and the emotions they evoke. If they stir up anger, revenge, bitterness, pain, or anything resembling heartache, then they are still hurting you now, long after they’ve been said. Acknowledge them and decide what to do with them.

Take them to heart? They will keep you small and continue to replace positive and true things that would serve to spur you on.  Recognize their worth and throw them out? That would require you facing them square-on and choosing to believe that they have no truth or influence over you. Leaving words behind in the dust is a conscious choice.

Choosing to act

If the words are still painful, they might be something you need to talk about with the person who said them. Not a confrontation or an argument, just a simple acknowledgment between two people. It gives you the opportunity to express how their words hurt your heart and it also gives the other person an opportunity to be aware of how their words affected you. Maybe they had long forgotten their remark and had no idea their words still lingered.

Either way, you need to bring those words under a microscope. If all they do is dictate what you’re incapable of doing or how silly your dreams are or make every imperfection you’ve ever felt stand out, then why are you hanging on to them? They don’t strengthen you or make you believe in yourself, so they need to go.

Today could be the day that you release your heart and your mind from the echo of hurtful words. I did. I’ve never looked back and wondered, “Could they be true?” I knew that they weren’t and kept going. I challenge you to do the same. Clean out the tapes of painful remarks and usher out their influence. Trust me, you won’t look back.

Looking for further help to balance your life? Or would you feel better talking out your situation with a patient listener?

More on communication:

5 Levels of communication
Where do we go from here?
Asking the right questions

Image credit: harold.lloyd (a most unexpected happening)

Ok. Let’s read the run-down. We’ve got sporting events, book clubs, church, blind dates, art galleries, weddings, the internet, parties, work, vacation and you can never fully rule out a random gas station run-in or grocery store check-out line. This is my, off-the-top-of-my-head, list of where to meet guys.

You could go to a seminar where they could “uncover” where to meet guys or you could just take a daily tally of where you find yourself and look around. Guys are half the population, so they’re there. If all the advice on guys were piled high on a desk, the legs would have buckled and split a long time ago. There’s a lot out there.

When it comes to love, I’m not a critic or a pessimist. I’ve met. I’ve dated. I’ve loved. I’ve really loved. I’m not convinced by my own where-to-meet-a-man list. I’ve never met a guy through mutual interests, I’m not going to audition for online dating, and wandering around an art gallery has never garnered anything but a greater appreciation for art, not men.

So, I guess unless I’m ready to become a regular at a sports bar or start walking the dog I borrowed from a friend, I’m officially waiting on love the hard way.

This all just brings me to more questions. And while the world scrutinizes how many minutes it takes for a man to know if he wants a second date, I’m here wondering: Where is he? There are billions and I only desire one; one good one.

So what does it take? What’s the approach? I’ve learned the answer comes in one word: God.

I’ll spare you the sermon and shoot straight. I’ve been in relationships: The first one, the short one, the long one, the long-distance one and the I-thought-I-was-going-to-marry-you one. And every single time the only thing that has carried me out of heartache and brought me towards greater things, is Him. When tears blurred my vision and my chest physically ached, He sat with me in the pile of shattered pieces. He has held me steadfast through all the questions and through all the relationships.

Yes, love can be disheartening. I know what it feels like to wonder if that guy is out there and then watch your hope slowly dry up. But what has renewed my cracked heart are God’s promises and words for me. Just a couple weeks ago, when I truly doubted if God speaks directly to me through His Word, I read this:

“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.” Psalm 71:20-21

I looked up from my Bible and experienced only stillness. My heart has fresh stitches and I wonder when I will ever repair, but when I read that, I knew it was for me. God will bring me up again. He will comfort me once again. He did speak to me through His word.

And you know what I’ve learned? Not only that God will heal my heart, but also that He has always had what is best for me in mind, including this business of a husband. Not one that I’ve hunted down like a bloodhound or had to log in 1000 hours of internet time to find, but one that He raised up so someday we would come across each other and honor Him in our lives together.

See, the thing is, God knows me. Before I was made in my mother’s womb, He knew me (Jeremiah 1:5). He knows when a thought comes to my mind or when I go from here to there (Psalm 139:2-3). He has determined the time set out for me and the places where I would live (Acts 17:26). He knew all the days that I would live before I began my first one (Psalm 139:16). My name is written on His hand (Isaiah 49:16) and it has been there since the beginning.

On top of all of that, He knows the man who is best for me. So what comforts my soul is that I don’t have to worry about it. He is so divinely aware of who I am, much more than I will ever know myself. My judgment is bruised and biased; His is complete and infinite. Trusting Him about a husband is a beautiful relief.

Just as God is familiar with every part of me, He knows you; completely; inside and out. If He knows what kind of man I want to marry, He knows the same of you. I don’t know where you’re at: if you’re fresh off a train wreck or haven’t been in the dating game for awhile. Or maybe you can’t find the strength to look for the far-flung pieces of your heart; I know that place. But lock eyes with God, the one who will brush the dirt off of your heart and redeem you. Put your hope in Him. Put your trust in Him. Put your wounded heart in His hands.

The Bible says that those who do this will not be disappointed. God will delight in you, be good to you and promises to keep His eyes on whoever puts her hope in Him.

You are all too familiar with the cultural hoopla too.  I don’t want to “cheat-proof” my relationship. I don’t want to memorize 12 tips to nab a man or the 24 ways to keep him. I don’t want to be taught how to interrogate an “emotionally-unavailable” man and you can keep your “insider tips”.

I’m going to trust in God. Not because He’s my guru or my cop-out. But because He is Almighty. He is Adonai. He is King of Kings. He bears these tremendous titles and yet I have never experienced such a tender touch on a broken heart, on a heart longing for its counterpoint.  Yes… I will trust in Him.

“But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you,” Psalms 39:7

Q&A: Singleness
Enjoying life to the fullest as a single woman
Being Single: A Different Kind of Freedom

It wasn’t until I read yet another list that I saw one of the common perks in a completely different light. In 10 reasons it’s great to be single, an online Elle Canada article, I read reason #5,

It’s all about you, all the time. That about sums it up. You can do what you want, go where you want, eat what you want, wear what you want, sleep in when you want, get up when you want, shop where you want … the list goes on and on, but you get the point!

I’m the first in line to say that heightened freedoms rank high on my list of reasons why being single is glorious. But something about reading It’s all about you, all the time made me cringe and feel embarrassed that this was the focus being shoveled onto the plates of single women everywhere.

Instead of sounding like unabashed freedom, reason #5 sounds like a license for extreme narcissism.

I’m not lambasting the liberty to eat an entire carton of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream or snatch that pair of Prada shoes you’ve been eyeing for months. But we’re missing the plot if we live by reason #5 and see nothing wrong with it. That mentality needs to be re-vamped so instead of an opportunity to tap into self-gluttony, it’s an incredible opportunity to experience even greater things in the single season.

Since it’s an inarguable fact that you have a greater swath of time (and usually resources) to work with living the single life, utilize it. Instead of tearing out lists explaining why you’re better off ignoring Valentine’s Day and Barry White ballads, re-write the focus of reason #5.

(Disclaimer: None of these things are meant to “fill” your time till you meet your future hubbie. Killing time for a greater end is no way to use such a beautiful season of life.)

Travel

Is there a place you’ve been dreaming of visiting since you were a little girl? What about a house boating or coastal road trip with your girlfriends? Maybe a trip to Costa Rica to learn about the culture, people and history?

You can buy all the Lonely Planet books in the world, but at some point, the only thing that’s going to get you places is the guts to go for it. So leap! There are so many fascinating places.

(Keep in mind: There’s a difference between sipping mojitos poolside in Cabo San Lucas and trekking to a different culture for a spectacular once-in-a-lifetime trip.) Choose one or a few places, go alone or with girlfriends, just go!

Get Involved

Have you always wanted to do missions overseas? Do you have a heart for immigrants or youth on the street? What about the environment – being on a clean-up crew or tree planting project?

There are heaps of ways you can take what naturally interests you and use it to serve a greater purpose. Whether it’s people, the earth, animals, food or travel, you can pull at the threads of what you love and find ways to serve with it. So get involved!

Time With The Girls

What do you love: books written by Donald Miller, Parisian food, Jamie Oliver TV, old French films, sitting at a café with Brazilian coffee?

Take one and find a little group that share the same interest (close girlfriends, your mom and sisters or a small group of women mentors), and soak it in with them every couple weeks.

You can tailor this time to be so lush – add books, add different meeting spots, add food, add anything you want. What do I love most about being in the single season? I love, love, love the time to pursue whatever fancies me.

New People, New Interests

Have you always wanted to learn Italian? Take an art history class? Try wind-surfing or the drums?

I know it might sound so cliché, “You’re single! Take a cooking class or pick up archery!” But honestly, it’s an opportune time time in life to run with something you’ve always thought of doing and actually do it. You can pick anything your heart desires – a language, a sport, an art. And when you pursue it, you automatically open yourself up to meeting new people you might never have met otherwise. Who knows what kind of relationships can stem from that – (maybe travel buddies, fellow tree planters, French film comrades?), you just never know.

I hope this mini-list has a different feel than Elle’s reason #5. It should and I hope it does. It’s not meant to come off sympathetic, patronizing, like propaganda, or far from genuine. I adore the single season so much and these reasons are why. Not because I’m looking at it like I can simply “do what I want, go where I want, eat what I want, wear what I want…”, but because incredible opportunities, travel experiences and deep relationships hang like ripe, round apples, yours for the taking.

I’ve been back and forth to South Africa a few times, went to school in a different country, spent time alone in Holland and Uganda, done missions in the slums and taught AIDS awareness in remote villages. I’m in the middle of a bible study with my mom, a Rob Bell book study with girlfriends and met my closest friends by pursuing a love for Africa and missions. That isn’t a rattled off list to merely show something for my time; it’s what i’m truly pursuing in this season, my single season. Shoes and ice cream are all fine and good, but from my experience these are fulfilling and rich ways to spend my days.

There will always be versions of the “benefits of being single” list, especially around February 14, but choose early on that if this is the season you’re in, you’re going to define it. And however you do define it, apply a line straight out of Shakespeare, “The world’s mine oyster.”

Freedom to be Yourself – How can you begin to live to your fullest potential?

Yet feeling like you’ll never be enough because a Screen Actors Guild Awards invite isn’t in your mailbox is completely baseless. Could it also be a quick argument to justify remaining inactive? If mention of the environment, fair trade, AIDS, human trafficking or poverty strikes passion in your heart, do something about it. Act on it.

10 ways you can go from thinking about a cause to doing something about it.

1. Get involved in activities, campaigns and groups that are already underway in your community. Look for groups at your college, workplace or church and offer your time and hands. There’s no better way to gain knowledge, experience and understanding of an issue than by just getting right in there!
2. Educate. If you care about an issue and want to spread the news, know what you’re talking about. Gather resources, do some research, purchase a book or two or attend conferences. Get connected to websites like DATA (word being a link to data.org) and stay on the pulse of the issue in the news. Educate yourself and in turn, you can be a wealth of knowledge when spreading the word to others.
3. Donate money. Yes, it’s the most obvious way to support a cause, but it really is the lifeline to organizations that are trying to alleviate poverty, make trade fair and slow the spread of AIDS. You have the ability, whether it’s a dollar or a hundred dollars, to make a difference with your wallet. On the same lines, you could also use your money to sponsor a child in need or generate more money by organizing a fundraiser.
4. Volunteer. This is one of the easiest ways to make a difference. Regardless of whether you have an hour to spare or an entire day, you’re putting your brain, time, hands and voice into the cause.
   Volunteer locally or with big organizations in anything from the local hospice or hospital to care for those affected by AIDS, at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter or by cleaning up litter and planting trees. Get connected with help from VolunteerMatch or govolunteer.com.
5. Be practical. Everybody in everyday things can make choices to make a difference. Bike or walk instead of driving, buy fair-trade coffee, purchase only what you really need at the grocery store, give extra clothes away, plant a garden and use lower-energy light bulbs. The list continues. In time, instead of a daily conscious effort, it becomes a lifestyle.
6. Career. Use whatever you’re taking in school or doing as a job and find a way to channel those same skills and talents towards something making a difference for your cause. If you want to make a change or haven’t decided on a vocation yet, consider a career in social justice.
7. Travel. Go on a trip and volunteer with an organization like GAiN. The travel industry is catering more and more to travelers, so if it’s building houses, saving endangered species or digging wells for clean water, the experience is there for the taking. It’s an incredible opportunity to witness and truly understand the heart of an issue. Also, think of volunteering in the place of that next vacation.
8. Start a group or non-profit. You can start a local community initiative, build a non-profit or partner with an existing effort.
9. Politics. Vote and get active in local and national politics. It doesn’t take a keen interest in elections and party policy to take advantage of your voice as a citizen. Either on your own or as part of a group, write politicians and find out how your countries policies are affecting a cause and how you can be a part of changing it.
   Support politicians and bills that back the right causes and issues, participate in non-violent protests or lobby for greater accountability in how our government’s choices affect the world.
10. Be relational. When a panhandler asks you for money, take him out for lunch. Over a meal, talk and get to know that person. Caring about poverty is one thing, putting a face to someone living in it is another.  Invest time and seek out relationships you can build to better serve those in need.

It doesn’t take six zero’s in your paycheck, your name up in lights or a private jet to do any of these things. So while it may seem that Bono and Brad have a greater ability to make a difference, they are doing the exact same things on this list – just on a different scale. Maybe all it takes is the realization that, celebrity or not, only you can choose to utilize who you are, where you are and what you have to change the world.

“Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility.” – Dietrich Bonhoeffer