I am married to a wonderful woman. 

I recall grunting in agreement and relishing the moment.  I had found the one.

But now I’m not so sure.

For those who may know me in person, please don’t start any rumors.  Shelaine and I have a sound marriage, a strong bond, and a deep love.  But I am no longer convinced that our marriage is strong because Shelaine is perfect for me, or that I am ideal for her.  We are certainly compatible, and share similar values and ways of thinking.  But we differ on all sorts of interests and skills.  So why does our marriage work?  I’m now more convinced that the success of our marriage is not because we “found the one,” but because we have “chosen this one” to love deeply and faithfully.   There’s a big difference.

The Myth of Finding “The One”

The myth that there is one perfect person out there who will make the ideal mate shows up in our fairy tales, favorite movies, and video games.  The myth goes something like this:  You are a searcher in this game called love, and if you put your time in, and meet lots of potential mates, you’re bound to find “the one.”  But it’s not all up to you, for Lady Luck will be on your side.  And one day, cross your fingers, you’ll discover your very own one-in-a-million mate.

While this prospect may seem daunting, the myth also promises that you will know “the one” from special signals—a glance across the room, their drop-dead good looks, or magical words they speak.  After meeting “the one,” you will fall for him or her as naturally as gravity drops stone.  You will feel emotionally and sexually drawn to them, think about them, spend money on them, act crazy around them, and ignore others for love of them.  Eventually you will fix your hopes and dreams on them, for after all, they are meant for you.

It’s a nice story but let’s look at this objectively… 

What if Lady Luck really is in charge of us finding a life partner?  This means that our lives are not much different from rolling dice in Vegas.  Some get lucky, and win the jackpot.  Most do not.  But at least in Vegas the odds of throwing sevens with two dice (for example) are 6 out of the 36 possible combinations, or 1 in 6.  Those are pretty good odds.  Wouldn’t it be great if every sixth person we meet could be “the one”?

But the myth says there’s just one.  Not one in six.  So with eight billion people on earth the odds against us increase dramatically.   Finding true love with Lady Luck makes for a slim chance it will happen.

Believing the myth leads to two harmful patterns

The first is to think that the more people we date or marry or love, the more likely we will finally roll a winner.   In its honest form this makes us date-maniacs; in its ugly form it makes us promiscuous.   In college I knew a guy who took one woman to a morning soccer game, another to an afternoon football game, and a third to an evening play.  When I commented, quite smugly, “I date only women I think I might marry,” he smiled and responded, “Me too!”  Maybe so, but to me it looked like he was fishing.  And I probably was too.

The other bad pattern is that we begin to think that a series of failed relationships increases our chances of getting lucky the next time.  This is called the gambler’s fallacy.  Like a person who has not thrown a seven in thirty attempts, we are prone to think “I am due for a winner; the odds are now for me.”  Truth is, in the rolling of dice, the odds of throwing a seven are always 1 in 6; always, no matter what came before.   In relationships I suggest the odds of landing a ‘winner’ actually decrease, for a series of failed relationships probably tells us more about our choices than about the odds.

But what if Luck isn’t at work, but Fate?

What if our success in relating has already been pre-determined by some impersonal force in the cosmos?  Or what if our past actions have in some way determined our current circumstances?  Believing that our lives are planned out by an impersonal force can lead to other problems relationally.

Some readers may recall the song popularized by Doris Day that said:

When I was young I fell in love,
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead,
Will we have rainbows day after day?
This is what my sweetheart said:
“Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be,
the future’s not ours to see; que sera, sera.”

There’s wisdom in the song.  We don’t know the future.  We don’t know if it holds rainbows or thunderstorms or drought.

However, if we think everything is planned out, beyond our control, we may hedge on our role to make wise choices or to own the consequences of choices we make.  A fatalist, when encountering marriage problems, has an out and may think “I guess this was not meant to be. I can’t change; my partner can’t change.”  We resign ourselves to inaction because, well, it won’t make a difference anyway.  Que sera sera.

But what if neither Luck nor Fate guide our relational experiences.  What if it’s up to us and we’re responsible for the choices we make?  And what if God cares for how our relating turns out, and supports and guides us along the way?

I know that theologians have debated whether God predestines our entire life to the very last iota, or if He gives us real choice within the wider boundaries of his will.  I lean more to the second idea, especially in relating.  So to revise my opening idea, I will be bold enough to suggest that success of our marriage is not because we have “found the one” whom God planned for us, but because we have followed him in obedience to choose one person whom we love deeply and faithfully.

Why am I so sure?

The main reason is because we are made in God’s image, and God is a choice-maker.  He didn’t set things up and then walk away.  (That’s deism.)  Rather, God has made, and continues to make, choices in human history—choices that have played out in how we relate to him.  For example, he chose to create the first couple, chose to remove them from paradise when they disobeyed, chose Abraham to bless, chose David and other kings to rule, and chose Jesus to make right our estranged relationship with him.  I believe he chooses to engage his creation, including us, as we depend on him and his Spirit within.

So what does this mean for Shelaine and me?  It means that I not only chose her from among several potential mates, but that I continue to love her despite the presence of other women in my world.  This is called covenantal love.  I chose her, and continue to choose her, forsaking all others as the old vow goes.

It also means that our differences and arguments and misunderstanding are not a sign of us having married “the wrong one,” but an indicator that we have work to do, work such as active listening, honest validating of each other’s views, and clear communication as to our hopes and concerns.  It means we make personal choices, and couple choices, in order to build a better bond.  It means we make promises for the good of our relationship, and stick with those promises.  Even if you find a mate through a values-based matching service, you may marry someone who is compatible, but still fallible, and requiring patience and grace.  You still choose to love.

Finally, when we recognize that we choose one to love, one to whom we remain faithful, that we can’t hide behind flimsy and selfish reasons for abandoning ship when we hit rough waters.  It may mean we humble ourselves and get counseling.  It may mean we make hard choices about working less and relating more.  It may mean we have to forgive and reconcile rather than carry toxic resentment.

One day Jesus explained to his disciples this dynamic of choosing to love.  John records it this way in Chapter 15:

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. … My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.  … You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.  This is my command: Love each other.

Let’s not look for “the one” to love.  Let’s choose to love, especially our “chosen one.”

Take the next step:
What does God’s love look like?
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Rebuilding Trust – learn to trust again

Take the next step:
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Take this checklist to help you prepare for marriage 
Engaged? Take our free lesson “Reflections for a Bride”

I recently heard from a man struggling with the sexual past of a new love in his life.

Before you start judging him for his unforgiving attitude, let me tell you that he’s not alone.  I hear frequently from men and women whose sexual pasts don’t mirror their partner’s and they are filled with pain not only for them, but because of the mental images of them with another.  And they ask the same question. “I want to forgive, I want to forget, but how? I don’t know how. Please help me forgive.”

Forgiveness is not our gift to offer

I understand how difficult it is to work through the sexual past of someone we love. I can assure you that when your partner has a more extensive sexual history than you do, he or she feels the weight of this guilt and shame even more than you do.  Men and women in this position often struggle with feelings of unworthiness as well.

Forgiveness is not our gift to offer.  It’s God’s gift to us and through us. If you’ve been a Christian for a while, then you already know all the verses on forgiveness, and Jesus’ command that we forgive each other. In other words, you know you should, but knowing it and doing it are two very different things.

I believe forgiveness is so hard because we’re really not capable of it, at least, not on our own. In fact, the only reason we can forgive is because God first forgives us. In Isaiah 43:25 He says, “I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.” This is really amazing when you think of it. The one the bible says we actually sin against, the only one who has the right to hold our sins against us says He blots them out, eliminates them, and then going a step further says, He forgets them forever. You can choose not to forgive your friend, but in reality he or she didn’t sin against you, but rather against God. God has chosen to forgive them and forget their sins. So it leaves you with no other choice.

On your own, you can’t forgive, but through you, God can and does. Every day we choose to forgive, God uses us to be His forgiveness to others on earth. Married couples have the privilege of being the one God uses to offer love and forgiveness to each other every day for the rest of their lives. So how can you forgive and be God’s vessel of forgiveness to this one He’s brought into your life?

Here are six steps in the forgiveness process

1. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. We make the choice to forgive and trust God with the feelings. Whenever those thoughts come, simply say (out loud if that helps), Lord I choose to forgive_____ for _____. I’ll trust you with the feelings of forgiveness.God is faithful, before long, you’ll find the thoughts don’t come as often, and your feelings will be grace-filled and no longer painful. Eventually, you’ll find you’re not having those images of her with others so much, and even if you do, it won’t be associated with the same emotions as before.
2. God is really serious about forgiveness. In fact He says that if we want forgiveness from Him for our sins, we must forgive others their sins. Scary, right? The Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6 links receiving and offering forgiveness together: “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Then just two verses down Jesus says, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” In other words, when we come to God for forgiveness, He’ll say, “First things first…forgive __________ for _________, and then I will forgive you.”
3. Ask God to help you see your friend as He does. I can assure you that God does not see her as a sinner. If she’s accepted Jesus as her Savior, than all God sees is someone righteous, holy, without blame or stain. The bible says God clothes us in righteousness because of Jesus. When He looks at us, He doesn’t see us as we see ourselves, sinful, dirty, and stained. He sees what Jesus’ blood has done for us…made us righteous and pure, acceptable to Him. If you can’t see her that way, ask God to give you His eyes to see here this way.
4. God is more concerned about what’s going on now with your friend than what happened in the past. Is she in a growing, loving relationship with Jesus now? Is she walking with God in obedience in her life now? God cares about where her heart is now, He’s already forgotten the past.
5. Healing is different than forgiveness. Although God forgives us for past sin, when it comes to sexual sin we still need healing. We still live with the pain, shame and wounds of the past that God wants to heal so that we can be free. I would encourage your friend to find healing for her past and to break the sexual bonds she created with past husbands and boyfriends, not only for herself, but for every present and future relationship she has.

God will help you forgive her because He’s already forgiven her. Unconditional love and forgiveness are the very definition of who God is. It’s something He’s asked us to do for each other. Now it’s your CHOICE. You just need to say “Yes, God I’ll forgive,” and let God take care of the rest. I know it sounds too simple. “There’s got to be something more,” you may protest. But that’s the best part of trusting God. He does make it simple. His power is real. It’s us who try to complicate things by doing it our own way.   

We can’t forgive in our own strength. It truly is a supernatural, divine action that requires God’s strength in and through us. That’s why choosing to forgive is the first step, because then God can take over and make it real in our lives.  Before long you will discover for yourself that your negative feelings are gone, that you have grace today where yesterday you had anger and resentment. That’s not to say that something won’t happen that will bring it up again, but that’s when you pick up your weapon again and say, “Lord I choose to forgive___ for ___. “

Remember this is a process and it takes time for the emotions to catch up with the decision.  When Jesus talked about forgiving seventy-times-seven I think this is what He meant.  Every time that old emotion of anger/un-forgiveness crops up, we just forgive again.  This way we don’t actually dwell on the un-forgiveness or negative emotion, rather we focus on the forgiveness part instead.   That will lead to freedom for you and in your relationship.  In the beginning it may need to happen daily or multiple times a day, but will eventually take hold and be permanent.

I promise, you can trust Him with this. Once you choose to forgive and say the words, God will take over and pour His forgiveness through you to her. It’s really that simple. Forgiveness is not our gift to offer.  It’s God’s gift to us and through us.

Take the next step:

Does forgiveness cancel out consequences?
Take a lesson: Find freedom in forgiveness
How to deal with emotional baggage

Have you ever made decisions about your relationships based on your feelings instead of the facts? When it comes to love, feelings rule the day. Emotions guide the ship. Goose bumps call the shots. But should they? Can feelings be trusted? Can a relationship feel right but be wrong?

Feelings can fool you. Yesterday I spoke with a teenage girl who is puzzled by the lack of feelings she has for a guy. Before they started dating, she was wild about him. The minute he showed interest in her, however, she lost interest.

I’m thinking also of a young mom. Being a parent isn’t as romantic as she anticipated. Diapers and midnight feedings aren’t any fun, and she’s feeling guilty because they aren’t. Am I low on love? she wonders.

How do you answer such questions? Ever wish you had a way to assess the quality of your affection? A DNA test for love? Paul offers us one: “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6). In this verse lies a test for love.

Want to separate the fake from the factual, the counterfeit from the real thing? Want to know if what you feel is genuine love? Ask yourself this:

Do I encourage this person to do what is right? For true love “takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6, JB).

If you find yourself prompting evil in others, heed the alarm. This is not love. And if others prompt evil in you, be alert.

Here’s an example. A classic one. A young couple are on a date. His affection goes beyond her comfort zone. She resists. But he tries to persuade her with the oldest line in the book: “But I love you. I just want to be near you. If you loved me …”

That siren you hear? It’s the phony-love detector. This guy doesn’t love her. He may love having sex with her. He may love her body. He may love boasting to his buddies about his conquest. But he doesn’t love her. True love will never ask the “beloved” to do what he or she thinks is wrong.

Love doesn’t tear down the convictions of others. Quite the contrary.

“Love builds up” (1 Corinthians 8:1)

“Whoever loves a brother or sister lives in the light and will not cause anyone to stumble” (1 John 2:10)

“You are sinning against Christ when you sin against other Christians by encouraging them to do something they believe is wrong” (1 Corinthians 8:12, NLT)

Do you want to know if your love for someone is true? If your friendship is genuine? Ask yourself: Do I influence this person to do what is right?

From A Love Worth Giving
Copyright (Thomas Nelson, 2002) Max Lucado
Used by permission

Question: As Valentine’s Day approaches, what concerns are on your mind? Feel free to contact an online mentor to talk.

About the Author: Max Lucado

Who should go? Anyone who could possibly be a threat to the future of your new relationship including, ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends, everyone you have ever hooked up with in the past, anyone you have had an emotional attachment with, and anybody you have had a crush on.  Seem a little extreme? Here are just two of the hundreds of stories we have heard from real people who have found themselves on the other side of a broken marriage due to their spouse’s questionable choice of Facebook friends.

“My husband and I have been married for 36 years. One year ago he was contacted by an old friend and neighbor on Facebook. They became “friends” and started chatting… I soon became concerned at the time my husband spent chatting to her, supposedly about “old times”…She was in a unhappy marriage and enjoyed his flattery and sweet talk. ..To cut a long story short we separated as a result. .. I discovered that she had flown out…and they had spent a three week holiday together. They had also got engaged and planned to get married. Well things went downhill from there and he moved out once again…(W)e are busy with divorce proceedings. My heart is broken and at the moment I hate Facebook.”

*****

“My wife joined Facebook and was spending an incredible amount of time reconnecting with old friends…(t)hen, she found one of her high school sweethearts from 22 years ago. And yes, they were soon involved in an emotional affair…(S)he informed me that she wanted out of the marriage because she was involved with someone else. I soon discovered who he was and that it started with FB. She moved out and our divorce was final 3 weeks ago today.

She walked away from her husband, her children, and her home for this guy. Only to find that after all of his sweet talking and promises, he was not going to leave his wife and kids as they had originally planned…So, here she is…no husband, children that don’t want to see her, no home…and no FB boyfriend (yet). She’s lost her good girl reputation not only with my family and friends, but with her own family and friends as well. 18 years together. 13 years married. It just feels as if it was all for nothing.”

These stories show the power (and real threat) of the “ex.” If the memories of a lost love, the reawakened emotions from a former bond, and the rekindling of feelings from walking down memory lane can bring down a marriage that is more than three decades in the making, how much more vulnerable is a relationship that is just starting out?

Our advice: if a Facebook friend doesn’t help move your marriage forward, it’s not a relationship worth keeping.

As you enjoy the comments and celebration over your newfound Relationship Status, peruse your Friends and ask yourself, is this person a potential threat to my marriage? If the answer is no, one quick click of the button can take care of it.

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