I can still remember where I was standing and the way my daughter Aubri looked at me that fateful December day.

I answered honestly, “Do you know how difficult this is for your father?”

To which Aubri replied, “I realize Dad that no one will be good enough for me in your eyes.” Aw, such wisdom from my teen.

Interviewing her date

I told her to set up a time but I had a plan. Each day she picked I was amazingly already booked! I knew that the longer I delayed, the longer it was before this young man could accost my little girl. Finally my daughter called and said, “Dad, Dan really wants to get together.  And Dad, he’s really nervous.” I asked if he was there right then with her and she said that he was.  I said, “Good, tell him he should be real nervous.”

The day arrived and a nervous young man came for ‘the talk’ and to ask me a question.  My wife offered him juice, milk, coffee or tea and Dan took water.  He sat on the edge of the couch, stiff as a board with his glass of water and red blotches going up and down his face.  If I said I wasn’t enjoying it, I’d be a liar.

With Aubri out of the house my wife and younger daughter headed upstairs to leave us alone (I later learned that the two females did attempt to listen at the stairs but to their dismay they couldn’t make out the words of the interrogation). Dennis Rainey wrote an excellent book called “Interviewing Your Daughter’s Date” (http://powertochange.com/familylife/shop/better-parenting-resources/) where he gives great instruction and mentions that the interview should last about 20 – 30 minutes.  By the time we hit an hour, the water had been downed in gulps and I wasn’t finished yet. (Did I mention I was enjoying this?)

At one point I told Dan that if he hurt Aubri he might as well cut off my arm because the pain would be as severe and long lasting.  After an hour and a quarter Dan began to relax and he said something back to me that moved him way up in my books.  “Mr. Black, I don’t get to have these kinds of open discussions. Do you think we could do this again?” Dan is now my favorite (and only) son-in-law as we did have more discussions including the one where he asked for Aubri’s hand in marriage and I said ‘no’ but that’s a story for another time.

Dads, your daughter is a sacred trust, protect her.  If you are going to interview your daughter’s date, make sure you discuss this and agree upon it with her.  Otherwise she may feel slighted and hassled instead of protected. I have another daughter and I look forward to my next victim. Maybe he’ll appear in another blog about another fateful day.

Related:
Do Your World Not Seem To Be Right? 

In the article author, Krista Bremer, speaks of her own childhood in California – full of beaches and bikinis and surfing – and her hesitation and surprise when her daughter, who’s father is Muslim, asked to be allowed to wear a head scarf.  Bremer’s first reaction was similar to mine.  What woman would choose to cover up? What mother would send her daughter running for cover?

What’s the sense in covering up?

But bikinis don’t come without strings either.  In the article Bremer recalls her own first experience wearing one.  She writes:

I felt as raw and exposed as a turtle stripped of its shell. And when I left the bathroom, the stares of men seemed to pin me in one spot even as I walked by.

In spite of a strange and mounting sense of shame, I was riveted by their smirking faces; in their suggestive expressions I thought I glimpsed some vital clue to the mystery of myself. What did these men see in me — what was this strange power surging between us, this rapidly shifting current that one moment made me feel powerful and the next unspeakably vulnerable?

There is a sense of power in turning heads, but there is another side to that power as well. It’s a heady combination to balance – for young girls and grown women alike.  There’s a danger that we’ll learn to see ourselves only as others see us, that we’ll lose our ability to see our own worth unless it is reflected back to us.

The safety of choices

I was reminded of a passage in Greg Mortenson’s brilliant book Three Cups of Tea.  In one of the later chapters he recounts a conversation with one of the girls from the village school he built now studying nursing in the university.  At first Mortenson is shocked to see this modern Afghan woman wearing a full traditional hajib even though the regime that once required it was no longer in power.

He asks her why she would do that to herself, and her answer is simple and profound.  “I feel safer this way,” she tells him.  “I can walk around the city freely and no man approaches me.  They know I am a good woman.”  It’s strange to think that there can be freedom in something that seems restrictive, but part of the freedom of being able to choose is having the option to say “no thank you.”

We know, deep down, that many kinds of entrapment masquerade as freedom. Zero down payment mortgages, casual sex and even the fast food joints that are always available can seem like freedom but they’re not always such a great idea.  Sometimes having the choice does not help us choose wisely.   We love the idea of freedom, it sounds so effortless.  But living in freedom still requires that we make choices and in doing so, choose wisely.

There is  verse in the Bible, in Corinthians that says “You say, “I am allowed to do anything” — but not everything is good for you.” This is the work of freedom.  Like parents who must choose what is best for their child as adults we have to choose as well.  There is a whole world of possibilities, and most have consequences.  How we choose determines how we live.

How do you exercise your freedom? Would you let your daughter cover her head if she wanted to? Would you let her wear a bikini?

Learn more about the way well tell our own stories with our free life lesson Defining Yourself: What’s in your bag?

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“That is why I am suffering as I am, yet I am not ashamed because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him for that day” (2 Timothy 1:12, NIV).

Paul was imprisoned in Rome when he wrote these words to Timothy. Paul speaks with clarity and conviction, knowing that God will look after those things that are of most importance to him, even as he writes alone in his cell.

I wonder what was important to Paul? For sure he valued the gospel message that Paul had been so faithful in sharing. But I believe that people were his biggest investment—loved ones like Timothy that were now beyond his reach.

I have a book mark in my Bible –a picture of a little girl. Written on the back are the precious names and dates when I entrusted my three daughters to His care. That was many years ago when they were close beside me each day. Now they are scattered far and wide.

Have you entrusted a loved one to His care? Sometimes it’s hard to let go without giving way to fears that arise, especially when we see them making poor choices. Maybe it’s the mothering instinct that we have but many of us long to “fix” our children, our family, and those we love so deeply. I once heard a mother asked which of her children she loved the most. Her response was, the child that hurts the deepest.

Jesus prayed for his disciples as he was preparing to leave them. (John 17:11-15) He asked the father to protect them. While he was with them, He protected them, but now the time had come to send them out into the word. In verse 15 he asks the father not to take them from the world, but to protect them from the evil one.

This is my prayer for my daughters. I can’t shelter them from the evil in this world, but there is one who can. If ever I am tempted to worry about them, I look at my bookmark, and I’m reminded that I have entrusted them to His care.  My heavenly Father is a faithful God who has proved himself many times. He is able to keep that which I’ve committed to him. As much as I love them, He loves them more.

Who do you need to let go of today, end entrust to His care?

Thank you Father that you watch over those that we love and that as we pray for them, you will continue to work in their lives through the power of your Holy Spirit. Help us Lord, to not be tempted to worry over them, but entrust them to your care. Amen

Questions: Do you need to let go of something and give to God?

About the author Beverley Rayner

“Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?  Actually, who are you not to be?”

I am standing in a crush of three-year-old pint-sized princesses. Surrounded by sparkling tiaras and frilly dresses, these little daubs of pink and purple are up way past their collective bed time.  We giggle.  We dance.  We wait patiently for the real princess to arrive.  Well, at least a real princess played by an actress.

Finally, the moment arrives.  Belle, the beauty from Beauty & The Beast, walks in to the room.  As she comes out from backstage, I  can see it in my daughter’s eyes.  The beauty is here.  My daughter climbs out of my arms, fixes her purple dress, and runs toward her.

Running to beauty

We are all attracted to beauty.  Beauty sells magazines.  Beauty drives our self-perception.  When I counseled teens, the issue of distorted definitions of beauty came up on a weekly basis. Our society hasn’t left us wondering what beauty is.  Beauty is full lips.  Beauty is long flowing hair.  Beauty is a body shape Barbie would be envious of.  Beauty wears the right clothes, surrounded by the right friends, and always plays with the right toys.  We’ve immersed ourselves in cultural perceptions of beauty, so much so that we don’t know where to turn.  We are consumed with the concept.

As I watch my daughter wrap her arms around Belle, a concern reveals itself in my mind.  What chance do I have to speak truth into my daughter’s life?  As she grows, who will inform her on what beauty is?

I’ve been told by culture (and a few friends) that a father’s most important job is to provide. Be strong.  Be courageous.  And bring home the cash. Become “the provider for all, and the enemy of all,” as J. August Strindbergto once so eloquently wrote.  On TV the only other option is to fill the role of a bumbling, awkward individual — the comedic outlet in the family fabric (see world-famous dad Homer Simpson).  Is there room for a father to “woo” his daughter and reflect God’s heart for her?  Are those moments as rare as a dance at a graduation, followed by another at her wedding?

Wooing your daughter’s heart

The role of father is vitally important to the emotional and spiritual (not to mention relational!) well-being of a daughter.  A Dad is not just a provider, protector, and live-in comedian.  Neither is a mother only a cook, cleaner, and sole provider of “the nurture factor”.

A father has the ability, to reflect the love that the Father has for us.  He has the opportunity to “woo” his daughter’s heart – to let her taste the depth and strength of love.  He is given the capability to speak the truth of beauty deeply into the heart of his daughter.

The tragic truth is this – if fathers do not take the opportunity to speak beauty into their daughters’ lives, someone else happily will.  Turn your television on to any station and watch for a few minutes.  Volunteer to chaperone a junior high dance.  These are the prevailing voices of beauty in our culture.  These are the voices your daughter (or son) will hear every day.

I want my daughter to know that she is beautiful. Not just for the reason that she could star on Toddlers and Tiaras, or even because she is smart, and talented, and funny.  Those are all wonderful things and part of the gift of a daughter, but I want her to know that she is deeply beautiful because of Who made her.  I want her to believe that her Father desires a deep and meaningful relationship with her, and so do I.

I want to be someone she can trust, someone she can talk with, someone she can walk through life together with.  I want to be someone who can humbly and brokenly reflect the love that her Heavenly Father has for her.  I want to woo the heart of my daughter so that she knows that her beauty transcends the length of her hair, the color of her eyes, the ability with which she reads.

After all, who is she?

“…who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?  Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.”

She is a child of God — and so are you.  God has created you beautifully.

As fathers, we have the gift of engaging in our daughters’ lives meaningfully.  And to unveil the true meaning of beauty found in each of our daughters.

Take a deep breath

It’s important, Dads, to take a deep breath.  You’ve likely walked through the feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt that come with parenting already in your journey.  This segment of your daughter’s life – no matter if she is a two year old dress-twirler or a fourteen year old boy-chaser – is a great time to speak beauty into your daughter’s life.  So take few tips from a fellow bumbling live-in comedian:

> Open your ears. Chances are, if she’s older than two, she’s using more words than you do.  When you listen, you’re communicating more than attention in her life.  You’re signifying that her world is a priority and that she is worthy of your interest.

> Be in the moment with her. With a thousand other pressures confronting fathers, it is easy to tune out.  These are the moments you live for, not what’s coming for you tomorrow at work.

>Two words: date night. This is a special phrase in our house.  The word date means undivided attention over breakfast, at a restaurant, walking with candy apples.  It’s a time when my daughter can talk to her Dad.  (And believe me, she does.)

So I stand here and reflect, amidst the mass of little princesses, as my daughter embraces Belle and looks back at me.  And when she looks back, I hope she begins to understand that her daddy is in this moment with her, that she is loved, and that she is beautiful.

More Thoughts
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Sometimes I wonder what the reality is. I was told, in bits and pieces, things about being a mother. Didn’t I hear about the great love mothers have for their children? From my own mother hadn’t I heard some tidbits of motherhood?

Perhaps you were told, but like me, you didn’t have the capacity or interest to listen and understand at the time. You weren’t a mother; you had no child. How could you have possibly known what to expect or prepare for?

And now, you are a mother of a precious child. You change diapers, wake at all hours, share you body with a nursing infant, feel your mind becoming frazzled, and just when you’ve learned to sleep through crying, you are pregnant again. Along comes child number two and then three, and one day you look at yourself in the mirror and say, “Wow! Nothing could have prepared me for all of this! Nobody told me there would be days like this!”

Here are a few things that you have learned:

• You can stir the spaghetti sauce with one hand and hold a fussy baby in the other.
• Snuggling and reading books together is time well spent.
• Your heart is built stronger than a Samsonite suitcase, larger than the Montana sky, and like the Energizer battery, it will keep going and going because nothing beats like a mother’s heart.
• Your children will not always look like cherubs. One day they will have long hair, wear the same shirt for days and smell like teens only a mother could love.
• They will blame you when things go wrong and when they go beautifully, they will forget to thank you.
• Your thoughts will be filled with “I told you so” but you will learn to refrain from saying that line as your mother learned early on.
• You will see that a child’s laughter warms more effectively than a blanket.
• You will start to hear yourself saying those cliches your mother swore she’d never say. Things like, “Do you think money grows on trees?” and “If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you jump off a cliff?”
• You will learn how the expression to bend over backwards for someone came into our language.
• You will bend and break and mend and bend some more.
• And if a child dies, you will want to, too. You knew you loved, but the absent child will cause you to realize the vastness and incredible depth of a mother’s love. You will look for the simple, but magnificent of life — rainbows and sunsets– but nothing will fill that hole your child’s death leaves in your heart.
• Your children will beg for independence, and when you give it to them, they will ask you to be there, right next to them.
• You will grow old and hopefully watch your children grow older. They will make mistakes, cry, make mistakes again, and you will see your hands can heal and soothe and comfort.
• You will learn that sometimes all they need are pancakes for breakfast.
• And if you get to travel and see the Eiffel Tower you will feel kin to it — for you, too, are like steel. And as the sun sets behind the Eiffel Tower, and you marvel at the beauty, marvel at your own beauty. You are a priceless work of fine art.

You are mother.

Related reading: Read one mother’s story of her miracle baby