Did you realize that the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is the time spouses and family members are most ignored?

Are you mutually devoted? Then declare it! There is nothing quite as wonderful as being in a mutual admiration society with your spouse! Just knowing that you chose the other above all others will help you weather the holidays.

Think about how good it feels when your spouse lets you know he or she wants to be with you. Maybe through a twinkle in the eye, a gentle caress or a loving compliment, your mate let’s you know he or she is mutually devoted to you.

It feels so good to be affirmed, but don’t assume your mate knows you love him or her, declare it. Here are some ways to demonstrate your devotion to your partner:

• Present your mate with a long stem rose.
• Take a picture of the two of you. (You could frame it for a Christmas present to your spouse.)
• Write a love note on the steamed bathroom mirror.
• Send your mate an email or text declaring your devotion.
• Invite your mate out on a date that you totally plan. Keep the location a surprise.

Take our tips and don’t just assume your mate knows you admire him or her. Form your own mutual admiration society today! It’ll help you stay “mutually devoted” and will add to your holiday joy.

Take the next step:

5 Tools to build a more intimate marriage
Take a lesson: Bring the romance back
Any questions? Come talk to a mentor

Entering the empty nest

Faced with so many life changes, we did what we often do – we made a list. For us, making our list was a reality check and was the first step in releasing and letting go of some unrealistic expectations – frankly, some weren’t that unrealistic, they just would not be fulfilled – not in this lifetime!

Letting go

Our list included things we would never do again, or things that would never change. For instance, we would never have a daughter. (Three daughters-in-law and three grand-daughters help to compensate but our nuclear family will always be four guys and a gal.)

We would never ride across the Swiss Alps on a motorcycle. We would never have completely healthy backs again. We would always struggle to keep our weight under control and our office neat and tidy.

Obviously, our list also included disappointments with each other – like Dave will always sneak ice cream at night, forget to call when he is running late and hum in his sleep. Claudia will always take on too many commitments, buy low-fat, no-taste snacks and leave the car gas indicator on empty.

While this may sound negative it was an important part of the process of accepting each other. At this stage of our marriage we realized we needed to view our little individual idiosyncratic behaviors as endearing traits instead of irritations. Making our list helped do just that.

You may also want to make your own list. Now is the time to let go and acknowledge things that are not going to change such as a partner’s personality traits that irritate or that you or your partner are not going to make a lot of money or your spouse is putting on weight and no longer the beautiful thin thing you married. Maybe you need to accept differing political or religious beliefs.

As the years go by, our list gets longer, but we continue to try to accept each other as the imperfect people that we are. One of the wonderful perks of this time of life is we do know each other so well.

A real key to a successful empty nest marriage is accepting each other as a package deal. The good comes with the bad. Realizing your spouse will never change those little irritating quirks in his or her personality is a step forward in building a long term successful marriage.

Moving on

And what did we do after we made our “we’ll never do” list? First we acknowledged that there were some things we just had to accept and let go of if we wanted to continue to grow together.

Then, we looked toward the future and made another list – this one was our “what we will do in the empty nest” list. It included those things we chose to do to make the rest of our marriage the best. We share our list with you in hopes that it will inspire you to make you own “what we will do” list for your empty nest.

Things we will do in our empty nest

• We will release and let go of our missed dreams and disappointments with each other, with our children, with our parents and with ourselves.
• We will accept each other as a package deal.
• We will keep on forgiving and asking each other for forgiveness when we blow it.
• We will renew our commitment to each other and to growing together in the second half of our marriage.

Let us encourage you to make a fresh commitment to yourself, to your spouse and to your marriage. It’s time to move on in your marriage. Trust us, the best is just up ahead.

Related reading:
- Should you sell your house? Now that the kids are gone, is it time to move?
- Having trouble coping with an ‘empty nest’? If you’d like to talk to someone about it, feel free to talk with an online mentor by email today. It’s free and confidential.

It’s still a couple of weeks until spring and the weather can still sometimes be depressing.

1. Go fitness walking at a local mall before the stores open.

2. Have a picnic on the living room floor. Gather your indoor plants, spread a table cloth or blanket and pretend you’re outside.

3. If you have a fireplace, make a fire and roast hot dogs or marshmallows.

4. Try a new recipe and at dinner let each share something you’re looking forward to this spring.

5. Call or write someone you haven’t contacted for a long time.

6. Have a dinnertime shuffle. Everyone sits at someone else’s place and acts like that person.

7. Take a picnic lunch to work with a checkered tablecloth. Add some colored eggs.

8. Visit a nursing home or a friend in a hospital.

9. Have a window shopping date with a twist. Look for all the things you already have!

10. In case of snow, be the first to organize a neighborhood snowball fight.

And remember spring is just around the corner! Invest time now in your marriage and family and you can begin the new season with healthy relationships!

If you’re feeling depressed, it may not just be the weather. Depression is often caused by low self-esteem. If you would like to speak with someone privately & confidentially, please contact us to talk.

Reprinted with permission from the ZONDERVAN PUBLISHING HOUSE E-MAIL ALERT SERVICE newsletter

1. Write a letter to your partner’s parents thanking them for a character trait or personal skill they instilled in your mate.
2. The next time you visit your in-laws’ home, look for something you can do for them. Maybe you could run an errand or help in the kitchen or yard. Look for ways to serve them.
3. Keep grandparents informed of your children’s activities, interest, and accomplishments. Grandparents especially love newspaper clippings and lots and lots of pictures.
4. If you live far away and see them infrequently, schedule a regular visit by phone. The cost will be low compared to the rewards. Also e-mail is a wonderful way to stay in touch.

Above all, be grateful to your in-laws. They were the ones who provided the climate for cultivating all the attractive qualities in that special person you chose to marry!

Remember, in making family ties stronger, you’ll make your marriage stronger as well!

One scary thing about parenting is it’s a temporary job.

If your youngest child is five years old, you can assume he will be leaving the nest at around age eighteen, so that gives you thirteen years or 156 months or 4,745 days! Since we all know how fast the days zip by, before you know it your job as a resident parent will be over. That knowledge should motivate all to take a parenting check-up.

So how are you doing as a parent?

Often we concentrate on our children’s behavior and not on our own. Why not look at your behavior from your child’s perspective? In a survey of 100,000 children, children were asked what they wanted most in their parents. Check out the top ten answers and evaluate how you are doing in each area:

1. Children want parents who don’t argue in front of them. Children tend to do what parents do, not necessarily what they say. How do you handle differences? Can you disagree and share your negative feelings without attacking the other person or defending yourself? Then your children will also learn how to process anger and resolve conflict in positive ways.
2. Children want parents who treat each family member the same. Treating your children the same does not mean treating them equal. Each child is unique and but each needs the same love and understanding. Evaluate your relationship with each child.
3. Parents who are honest. The parent who says, “Tell the tele-marketer (who is on the phone) I’m not here,” may not realize what he is modeling to his child. Do you say what you mean and mean what you say?
4. Parents who are tolerant of others. When parents are tolerant of others, children learn to be patient with those who are different from them. In what ways have you modeled tolerance to your children?
5. Parents who welcome their friends to the home. If the gang is ganging up at your house, then you will know where your own children are! Cultivate an open-home policy and get to know their friends.
6. Parents who build a team spirit with their children. As children move into the adolescent years, parents who cultivate a team spirit will have a greater influence on their children. How can you foster teamship in your family?
7. Parents who answer their questions. Have you been guilty of saying, “I’m busy right now. Let’s talk about this later.” Then later never happens. Take time today to answer your children’s questions and when you don’t know the answer, admit it and offer to help find the answer.
8. Parents who discipline them when needed, but not in front of others, especially their friends. Amazingly, children really do want limits, but don’t count on them volunteering that information!
9. Parents who concentrate on good points instead of weak ones. Look at your child as an incomplete jigsaw puzzle and concentrate on the beautiful developing picture instead of the missing pieces. Make a list of your child’s strengths and look for appropriate times to point them out.
10. Parents who are consistent. We were not always consistent but we consistently strove to be. Be encouraged. The occasional inconsistency will not ruin your children. But your children need to know that your love and limits are consistent. With boundaries comes security. Is there an area in which you need to work on being more consistent?

How do you rate? We hope you picked up some tips that will keep you from being a behavior problem to your children. And that from time to time you will take a parenting check up and wisely number your days.

Related reading: Take a different kind of test – Philosopher Michael Horner explores the top 7 questions he gets asked about faith

Well, there’s another epidemic that is sweeping the country. Shopping, overwork, stress, and debt — all are symptoms of a communicable disease that is threatening your marriage and your family! It’s “affluenza.”

How is your marriage and family impacted by this disease? Fueled by advertising, priorities have becomes skewed. For instance, more people visit a mall each week than attend church. The average shopping time each week is six hours yet the average time spent playing with children is only forty minutes. And from our observations, marriage partners are even more neglected!

Is there a cure for “affluenza?” Yes, but you have to take aggressive steps such as:

1. Place yourself on domestic quarantine. Stay away from the shopping malls.
2. Read a good book instead.
3. Call your spouse and plan an activity together that doesn’t cost any money.
4. Be more critical of commercials and advertising.
5. Reprogram your thinking. Picture the Jones’ as the thriftiest people you know and then try to keep up with them.
6. If all else fails, bake a couple of your little plastic cards at 350 degrees F. for ten minutes!

Do your part today to stomp out “affluenza.” By spending less, not more, you’ll have the energy and resources to invest in your marriage.

Have you ever been accused of not listening?

If poor listening is a sign of a troubled marriage, then good listening is a characteristic of a healthy marriage. When others say, “Hey, tell me more!” and really listen to us, we feel important, understood, and accepted.

Good listening improves relationships. Here’s an action point for you. Determine today to improve your listening I.Q. Remember these tips:

1. Empathize; don’t criticize. Unsolicited advice may be considered criticism!
2. Give your mate full attention when he or she is talking. Often when our mate is talking, we’re either thinking about what we’re going to say next or we’re paying attention to something else, like preparing
   dinner or watching TV.
3. Listen for feelings, but don’t judge them. They are simply how your mate feels. That’s valuable information for you. Don’t say, “You can’t feel that way!” Instead, mirror back, “Did I understand, is this how you feel?. . .”
4. Don’t interrupt, You’ll get your turn. And you can listen best with your mouth closed.

Remember, practice makes perfect. Plan the time in your schedule today to listen to the one you love.

A prerequisite for a great date is that little four-letter-word, T-I-M-E!

And we each have twenty-four hours a day, no more, no less. But we know first hand how hard it is to find time for each other. Thank goodness, it’s just hard — not impossible! Consider the following time finders:

1. Tag other activities. Are you going to a couples study this week. Leave an hour earlier or come home an hour late. You’ve just found sixty minutes to date your mate!
2. Find time even when you’re too tired to talk. Who says you have to always talk on a date? You can have an at home date after the children are in bed.
3. Don’t talk. Don’t do anything but cuddle on the couch. Enjoy the inexpressible joy that comes from feeling loved and safe with each other. The next morning, you’ll be amazed at the couple chatter. Try it, it works for us!
4. Plan a middle of the night adventure. For the really adventuresome, set the alarm for the middle of the night!
5. Leave the TV off for 24 hours. If there is a national crisis, you’ll hear about it soon enough. Use the time you would have spent watching television to date your mate.
6. Drive past the video store without stopping. While it’s fun now and then to have a video date, videos can become habit forming and steal communication time. So the next time you’re tempted to stop at the video store on the way home, don’t. You’ve just freed up another evening!

It’s up to you. You may never “find” the time to date your mate. But trust us, you can make the time. And time focused on each other will make your date great!

How can you spur your mate toward love and good deeds?

Before marriage, it’s easy to look for the positive. But once we say “I do” the stars in our eyes begin to fade and we see each other’s idiosyncrasies.

The reality of living together does create tension and before we know what is happening, we can easily focus on the negative instead of the positive.

When you criticize you tear down and when you encourage you build up. So it’s time to do an “about face.” Stop being a critic and become your mate’s number one fan. What do you appreciate about your mate? Here are some questions to get you talking:

1. How has your spouse affirmed you in the past? (Dave likes Claudia’s hugs, kisses, and she likes his practical help like volunteering to be the kitchen elf.)
2. How would you like to be affirmed in the future? (Claudia likes it when Dave calls when he is going to be delayed, brings her corn candy, or takes the garbage out the night before trash pick-up without being reminded.)
3. In what areas is your mate most competent? Affirm your mate’s positive attributes like his happy disposition which enables him to laugh and handle pressure, or her verbal skills that help her be so expressive and articulate.
4. Is there an area that you would like to explore together? Perhaps learning a new sport or craft or taking gourmet cooking lessons, or a community course.

As you begin a concerted effort to spur each other on, here are some tips to help you accentuate the positive:

• Actively look for the positive. It takes five positive statements to offset one negative statement, so for the next twenty-four hours track your positives to negatives and see how you’re doing. Concentrate on each other’s strengths. We already know our weak areas so look for strengths!

• Give honest compliments. Describe what you appreciate about your mate. We would all like to get more compliments.

• Develop a sense of humor. Humor is a first cousin of affirmation. So relax, look for the lighter side of life and affirm each other through laughing together.

You may find that as your spur your partner toward love and good deeds, you will also be the benefactor! For sure, things will become much more positive around your house!

Christ-centered marriages

6 Keys to a better marriage today

Do you want to be good to your marriage?

Children who grow up in happy, intact, functional families with parents who love each other unconsciously learn the roles they will later need in marriage and parenthood. So as you build your marriage, you’re mentoring your own children. Here are 10 ways to be good to your marriage:

1. Call your spouse just to say “I love you!”
2. Scratch your partner’s back.
3. Get up with the baby, and let your spouse sleep.
4. Let voice mail collect your calls or turn the phone ringer off so you can concentrate on each other.
5. Light a scented candle.
6. Eat a bowl of ice cream together after the kids are in bed.
7. Turn off the TV.
8. Put on your mate’s favorite music.
9. Write a letter and tell your mate why you’d marry him or her all over again!
10. Get out your wedding pictures, look at them together, and rejoice that you married each other!