How is your journey going?

Hope

Ladies, we need HOPE.  Hope makes us move ahead for the greater good for our children and ourselves.    It is easy to become like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.  Do you remember that purple donkey?  According to Eeyore everything was negative and nothing was exciting. He just existed.  I have met single Moms who are like this.  They live a defeated life as if they had nothing to live for.

Man, have I got news!!!  We have a big world out there with possibilities and new steps to travel.  There is plenty to live for.  It’s not going to be easy, but I promise it will be worth it.

After years of staying home with my kids I hardly knew how to turn on a computer but I persevered.  People believed in me and gave me chances. I took night school courses and built my resume.  I learned that I could balance a bank account, take the battery out of the riding lawn mower, and build a home for my children.

So my dear friend, begin to hope!  Wake up each day with a sense of hope that things are going to move ahead.  We don’t have to be like Eeyore.  We can be positive and believe in a life with hope.  God is rooting for us.  He gave His 100% guarantee of never leaving us or abandoning us.
Psalm 34: 18 says, “The Lord is there to rescue all who are discouraged and have given up hope.”

God’s got you covered. He is waiting for you to take this step with Him.

Trust

How do you begin to trust again when your definition of trust has been erased from your mind?   That is a toughie but I know it can be done. Give yourself permission to take some time to heal.

God is the only one that is trustworthy with His 100% guarantee. Have you noticed He provides 100% coverage in life issues?  I have tested this trust thing over the years and He has never let me down.  That doesn’t mean that He gave me everything I asked for.  It means He created us and passionately cares and loves each of us.  He will help us get through this.  Trusting God is a risk that is worth taking.  Be honest with God in your thoughts, fears, and your uncertainties.  He is a big God with a big heart and a big plan.

“Trust God, my friends, and always tell him each one of your concerns.  God is our place of safety.” (Psalm 62:8)

Take a risk with God and ask for some things that you need.  Let me share one of my situations. My car needed a huge repair. (We are on the same page aren’t we!) I didn’t have the money.  After the repair was done the bill was double the amount they had quoted me.  I had no funds to pay for it.  My parents had graciously given as much as they could, but I was in a pickle.  It was time to trust God.

Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3…

God answered. Not in the way I wanted because I would rather have had cash fall like raindrops from heaven.  However, God supplied.  He gave me a part-time job four nights a week, right by my house.  I drove home from my day job, changed into my next work clothes (it involved a hairnet-yuck!), made sure supper was prepared for my girls, and worked for 3 hours each night.

I paid off my bill and met a lot of interesting people.  Was I tired? You bet… but I did it.  I asked for help and God gave me this job.  I didn’t have it forever and I was able to reduce my hours as things got paid off.  I just had to trust God that He would help.

Trusting is hard work and I need to upgrade my trusting skills frequently.  God just asks us to trust Him and He will help. My faith grew because I trusted in God during those times when there seemed to be no solution to my predicament.

Are facing one of these issues today?  We have two gift-wrapped boxes from God – hope and trust.  He asks you to open them up and use them. Write out what you hope for.   It could be anything – healing your heart, pursing another job, a week free of constant stress, or a dream of a mini holiday with your kids. Can I share another story?

We were as poor as church mice.  Deep in my heart I wanted to take my girls on a holiday.   A caring couple gave us their condo in Florida to use for free.  We just had to get there.  My heart still bursts with the memories we made on that trip.   Don’t give up but hope.  As it says in the verse above, God will help your discouraged heart.  I can honestly say this will be one exciting journey. Live in HOPE.

What about your trusting skills?  This is a huge action verb!  Write down what you desire to trust God for and date it.  Like me, I am sure you have had to trust about employment, the monthly rent, the kid’s schedules and their emotional health.  You are not alone. Write it all down.

Father, we need HOPE to get through this.  We desperately want to TRUST You in our next steps.  Guide us in your ways.  In our Ever-Faithful God.  Amen.

There is HELP, there is HOPE, there is HEALING!

Don’t miss the rest of the Single Mom Survival Kit:

A box of resources
How to set boundaries
The monster called FEAR

Take the next step:

Why do bad things happen to good people? Is God still good when it hurts?
Take a lesson: How to choose peace
 If your world feels unfamiliar, read this

Take the next step:
Learn how God can help with your porn addiction
What are the effects of pornography?
Do you need someone to talk to about your struggle with porn?

Take a look at your life. How would you describe it?

Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. If stress dominates your life, you could be looking to move passed those situations. It’s hard to cope with stress when you can’t put the past behind you. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?

Are you ready to choose a different path?

Jesus came, and died, and rose again to wipe the slate clean. He was scourged, tormented, and finally nailed on the cross for humankind’s sins – this was all part of God’s plan to bring you and I back into relationship with him. God wants to be a part of your life … in fact, not just a part of your life, but wants you to live in full fellowship with Him. Is this the life for you?

God loves you and created you to know Him personally. He longs for you to have the kind of full life you were always meant to have. So why do people not experience this kind of life? People are lost and separated from God, so we cannot know Him personally or experience His love. Because of our sins, we justly deserve judgement. But God provided his Son, Jesus Christ, as the only provision for our sin. He died in our place, then he rose from the dead.

We must individually trust Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord; then we can know God personally, receive forgiveness for our sins, and experience His love: “As many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God” (John 1:12)

We trust God through faith. You can trust Christ right now by faith through prayer! (Prayer is just talking with God.) God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. The following is a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I need you. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart?

Take the next step:
Are you living a double life?
Does porn affect your marriage?
Do you or your spouse need to talk to someone about sexual intimacy and addiction?

As a single mom, boundaries are essential to keep your family’s life stable and constant.

Some families have such tight boundaries that they can hardly breathe. That makes things harder, not easier.  I suggest finding something that works for you and your kids as you journey on this new path.  Boundaries will be your friend and save a lot of grief.

Boundaries respect who you are.  Once in place they protect you by making expectations and responsibilities clear. The confusion comes for people when they have to decide what needs a boundary. These suggestions below are from my own experience and from women who have shared their situations with me.

Every family is different so you’ll need to decide what works in your unique situation. My girls had a hard time with change.  They needed to have set times for visitation and activities throughout the week so that they knew what to expect each day. Children of divorce are confused and they too, have had their world spun around. Some children become very angry. It’s important to remember that they did not make the decision that altered your family.  You can help them cope as you put up reasonable boundaries.

1.  Maintain a regular schedule of visits.  My girls knew what weekend, and what weekly visit they had with their Dad.  That way they were prepared to visit.  When it was the weekends with me, they were prepared for our activities.

2.  Keep weekly activities to a minimum.  Children are already packing and unpacking for visits, so extra-curricular activities should be kept to what they can handle, not what suits our agenda.  My children were given an option to have one activity per week.  That gave time them to have fun, but it also gave time for homework and downtime during the week.  If your kids are older you will have to set up boundaries if they constantly want to be out with friends.  We all need downtime.

3.  Put boundaries around food and rest.  As a single mom, it is so easy to go through the drive-thru to pick up something quick.  For me, I had to leave very early each morning for work, figure out what to put in the slow cooker, have lunches packed, and get the kids to the sitter’s.  I gave myself permission to have those drive-thru nights.

It can help to make a list of meals and lunches for the week and grocery shop with that in mind. It saves on the pocket book too!  Scheduled bedtimes for all family members helped us gain perspective.  If I don’t get enough sleep, I am toast and I begin to get clouded in my thinking. There were some nights that after I tucked in my kids, I went to straight to bed too.  Other nights, it was my “Linda time” to do laundry and fold it, write cheques, and watch a favorite show to unwind.

4.  Schedule fun time.  You and your children need to make new memories. Set times to go visit grandma and grandpa, spend a day at the local fair, make regular visits to the library. Pack a backpack with water and snacks and go on an adventure hike.  This is a positive boundary to make time for your little family.  Life is stressful enough. If your kids are older, ask them what they would like to do with you and see what you can figure out together.

5.  Take time for you. Try and not get caught up in the trap of trying to please everyone and learn to say NO.  As you take time for you, it will help heal your heart.  When self-imagine has plummeted to the depth of the pit, work on YOU.  It is good to treat yourself.  I had bubble baths with candles and my favorite music.  I took long walks at my favorite park and wrote about new goals in my journal.  I met with girlfriends for coffee. I loved walking the beach while praying for the days ahead.  Many weekends when the girls were with their dad, I went to the movies by myself.  There is an endless list of way to spend time with you and enjoy it.  Make a list for yourself and begin to check them off.

As you respect boundaries for yourself and your kids, you may have opposition from your Ex and even family members and friends.  If your number one goal is to bring health and stability to your home, then stick with it. Believe me, there were times, I went into my bathroom, closed the door, and cried.   Boundaries also have a component of flexibility.  You will need to decide as each situation comes up if it is wise to flex this time. There were some days when I felt very alone as I worked to establish boundaries. But it paid off as I knew I made positive steps for greater health – both for myself and for my kids.

Note to Self:  Some children will push every boundary.  If they always get their way, your child will learn that they should get everything in life they want.  In setting boundaries, you are teaching them that life is about wise choices and not always about what they want.  That is a great gift to give your children.

“All wisdom comes from the Lord, and so do common sense and understanding.  With wisdom you will learn what is right and honest and fair.” (Proverbs 3:6 & 9)

There is HELP, there is HOPE, there is HEALING!

Don’t miss the rest of The Single Mom Survival Kit:

A box of resources 

Take the next step:

Learn how to say “No”
Use boundaries to protect what matters
Stressed? This lesson can help

I never imagined that I would be a single Mom.

I know many women are living through the same thing that happened to me. I call it the Single Mom Syndrome. Our energy and focus have suddenly changed.  Many of you stand at a cross roads wondering what foot to move, where to go, with little or no knowledge of how to survive.  I am here to tell you that YOU CAN DO THIS. Breathe, and slowly make your decisions.  It is time to put on a new pair of shoes.

What stayed stable in my life when everything else was chaotic was my personal relationship with a God who promised to never leave me or forsake me.  His Son, Jesus Christ, made it possible to have this relationship with Him when he died– so I could live.  This is where my foundation lies and how my journey continued.  I believed that I could take hold of my life and move ahead.  Was it easy? Absolutely not!  Was it tough and discouraging some days? Absolutely yes.  Was there hope for me and is there hope for you too? Without a doubt YES!!!

First Steps: Trusting God

I want to share with you my life experiences as I began this road as a single mom and chose every day to work on being the best mom I could be.  It was a conscious effort to work at trusting God to lead and heal my wounded heart. In my old life I was a stay-at-home mom with a small home daycare to help with basic financial costs. When this happened, I had to re-enter the work force.

As you can imagine, seven years changes technology and I felt like I was back in kindergarten. It was a lot to juggle keeping the home as stable as possible while learning what buttons to push on this monster called a computer! Be encouraged. There is HELP, there is HOPE, and there is HEALING.  I know it because I have lived it. I do not have a degree in Psychology, but what I have is a degree in is Hard Knocks, which has been my greatest teacher.

If you are walking through a divorce life has suddenly left you with a lot of decisions and your heart is saturated in grief.  It is hard to know which ball to juggle first.  You are not alone. I didn’t suddenly write out this list and move ahead.  It took courage and strength one day at a time, one moment at a time.  Some days, I was shaking in my shoes! But I knew that God had not forgotten about me. I can promise He has not forgotten about you either. I hope that some of my suggestions will help you put on that new pair of running shoes.

A Box of Resources

We are very fortunate to have resources at our fingertips.I know it may feel like you don’t have much, but you do have resources. During this time, take care of you.  I can’t stress this enough.  When you do this, you are able to gain perspective.  With children in the home, you will need the energy and strength to make wise decisions.  You can’t do that well if you don’t take care of yourself.

It can be hard and there are days when it feels like you are walking on your ankles.  For me, I took every advantage I could to be a stronger and healthier me.  I put on my new shoes and even though it felt like they were mired in cement, I took the resources to heal.  I encourage you to see if these could help you.

1. See a medical doctor to maintain a clean bill of health.  My doctor would say to me, “Now Linda, this is what you need to do for ‘a time’ to help you gain your strength.” Stress makes the body susceptible to all kinds of illness. You need to take extra care to keep yourself healthy.
2. Feed your soul.  Read the Bible. I read and re-read the Psalms. They were like my daily vitamin. This is one of my favorites, “Come save us and bless us.  Be our Shepherd and always carry us in your arms.” (Psalm 28: 9) Isn’t that exactly what your family needs today? I found a picture that depicted this verse and kept as a bookmark.
3. Gain some good support from safe and trusted friends who will keep things confidential. I learned this one the hard way but I soon found friends who respected my story and kept it to themselves. Be careful about who you share your story with. You can never un-share it.
4. Take advantage of your local library for books or articles that will encourage you or invest in some books you can mark up and underline.
5. Use your church library.  Maximize your busy schedule by borrowing a Bible on tape or some God-centered self-help tapes as you drive to and from work.
6. Daily exercise.  I know this is hard, but because of the stress in your life, you need to release this energy through some type of physical activity.  It might mean dusting off your bicycle and taking the kids for a ride, joining a fitness class at the local pool, a brisk walk around the block, or using an exercise DVD.  Some of my sweetest memories were the times my children and I went biking riding to the park and had FUN!
7. Eat healthy food.  You may not feel like eating a lot but make wise choices to keep yourself healthy. I called a friend and asked her to bake some muffins for me.  She was on my doorstep in no time.  It blessed me and it blessed her to do it.
8. Seek counseling.   Not everyone has medical plans that cover this, if you aren’t covered see if there is a trusted pastor that would hear your heart.  It is good to get some unbiased advice because we need to share our story.  Doing that helps us sort out the next steps.
9. Hug your kids!  You all need love and support during this time. These precious treasures need reassurance too.  There were times we just laid on my bed and laughed and talked.  It was a healing time for all of us.

I remember a counselor kept telling me over and over again that I was a Person of Worth in God’s eyes.  We are all His treasures and God wants us to move ahead. This is a new start to learn from our past and rejoice in God’s marvelous light in the days ahead.

“But you are God’s chosen and special people. You are a group of royal priests and a holy nation. God has brought you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Now you must tell all the wonderful things that he has done.” (1 Peter 2:9, CEV)

Like all new pairs of shoes, these new Single Mom shoes need some wear and tear to feel comfortable. The list above is just a few suggestions. Remember, this is a beginning so be patient as you put one foot in front of the other.   This is the time to take advantage of your box of resources.  Believe in your heart that you are worth it for yourself and your kids.    My kids have shared how they appreciated it.  I truly believe this can be an empowering and healing time for you.  God doesn’t leave you alone. He is there rooting YOU on.

Can I pray for you right now?

Father God, Some who read this are at a crossroads and need Your help.  Grant them wisdom for healing and growth.  Give Your guidance as they lead their children.  May some of these resources give them insight and help in the days ahead.  In the all-compassionate name of Jesus, Amen.

Which things in the box of resources can you begin to pull out and use?  Tie up the laces of your new shoes with a determined heart as you face your challenges.  You will get through this.

There is HELP, there is HOPE, there is HEALING!

If you are new to single parenting and have questions or just need someone to talk to, our mentors are available anytime.  You can use this form to request a mentor.

Take the next step:

How do you define yourself?
Video: I’m single parenting and I feel so alone
Helping kids face the grief of divorce

There is a wealth of information at Single Parent FamilyLife

Take the next step:
Going through tough moments in marriage
Has your trust been broken?
Are you struggling in your marriage? Talk to a mentor

Return to Healing for the Brokenhearted Index Page

Take the next step:
Going through tough moments in marriage
Has your trust been broken?
Are you struggling in your marriage? Talk to a mentor

Return to Healing for the Brokenhearted Index Page

Take the next step:
Going through tough moments in marriage
Has your trust been broken?
Are you struggling in your marriage? Talk to a mentor

Return to Healing for the Brokenhearted Index Page

1. Coping with Unfaithfulness
2. Supporting the Brokenhearted
3. Re-building Trust
4. Picking up the Pieces
5. Allowing Time to Heal
6. Taking Responsibility
7. Supportive Friends
8. Building a Support Network
9. Making Decisions
10. Finding Hope and Healing
11. Couples in Crisis

Take the next step:
Making the grade in marriage
Has your trust been broken?
Are you struggling in your marriage? Talk to a mentor