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Have you ever had an experience that separated you from the people around you? For some of us it was a divorce, for others, a failure. Sometimes it’s our finances that makes us different, or our health (or the lack of it). If you’ve ever felt like you were on the outside looking in, there is hope for you. Watch the video.

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The Christmas season is always a time to fit in as many family functions as possible.

I grew up living with my mom and stepdad and seeing my dad and stepmom a few times a year.  My dad and his wife always came to visit at Christmas so there was a lot going on. Going from house to house could get a bit hectic sometimes but it didn’t make the holidays any less enjoyable.

Here are a few tips for parents and stepparents alike to make Christmas as painless as possible.

1. Be civil. Whether you’ve been divorced one month or ten years, Christmas can be a time of stress. For your children’s sake, try to get along with your ex-spouse and his or her significant other. Kids can always sense the tension between their parents. Commit to being kind (or at the very least, polite) to your former spouse. If you have a somewhat friendly rapport, it makes the children more comfortable. A civil relationship with your ex also makes it easier for your children to accept their new stepmom or stepdad.

2. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. It’s an old expression but it still rings true. If you speak badly about your former spouse, you’re speaking badly of your children’s mother or father. Whatever feelings of resentment you have towards your ex-spouse, don’t share them with your children. Remember, it’s Christmas. Don’t make your kids uncomfortable at the dinner table by bringing up old hurts and arguments. Your dislike of your ex-spouse’s new partner is not appropriate dinner conversation.

3. Establish a routine. Every year the kids will need to be in various places to celebrate Christmas with all sides of their families. If it’s at all possible, help your children adjust to the new family situation by creating a pattern for every Christmas season. If Christmas dinner has always been at their grandma’s house, talk to your ex-spouse about keeping it that way. Decide how you can integrate the needs of new partners or spouses too.

4. Make new traditions. Giving your children a sense of normalcy doesn’t mean you can’t make new Christmas traditions. Both parents need time with their kids. You don’t need to cram every single activity into either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Try having a game night with the kids on the 23^rd and lunch at the other parent’s house on the 24^th. Fun activities, even new things, can be a good way to put your children at ease.

5. Be patient.  No matter how old your kids are, it will take time to get used to the new set-up of the holidays. Try to understand what your children are going through. Divorce is a huge change for parents, but it can be even more jarring for children. Try to make the transition period after a divorce as comfortable as possible. It will be an exercise in patience for parents to stay in each other’s lives for their children’s sake.

When a couple has children, they are tied together forever – divorce doesn’t change that. Over Christmas, put your kids ahead of the busyness. After a divorce, Christmas isn’t the way it was before, but the importance of family remains a key part of the season.

My daughter, Michelle, opened the oven – the cake was a flop!  It was supposed to be a layer cake.  She had planned a luscious filling, and either fluffy frosting or flowers created with fondant.  It would have been almost too beautiful to eat.  But an ingredient was too old, or the oven temperature was wrong, and there it was, flat and dried out.  There was no way she could take that mess to the party.

It’ll take a little time, more ingredients and work, but Michelle can ‘redeem’ the failed baking by turning it into cake pops.  She crumbled the failed cake, whipped up the best icing she can make, and stirred it into the crumbs.  She formed the mixture into little round balls and puts a stick into each of them.  They have to freeze then she covered each one in melted icing. Once they’re set up she adds as many details as she has time for – eyes and smiles, antlers when she makes reindeer or hats when she makes snowmen.  They’re not what she had planned but they are beautiful.

God at work in my messes

Can God take the messes I’ve made in my life  – the mistakes, the problems – and turn them into something good?  The good news is that, yes, He can and He will.   Give him a chance to work.  Don’t resign yourself to the bitterness that can come with pain and regret.  Romans 8:28 reminds us that, “We know that God makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are chosen to be a part of His plan.”   

Yes, when he ‘crumbles’ us and our issues, it can be painful.  But He can use those problems and turn them into something good.  His hands can form them into something better than we had planned, better even than we could have dreamed.

My messy Christmas

The days before Christmas should be filled with excitement and joy.  But for me, this year, they are not.  Instead, there is only more dread each day leading up to the 25^th.   My family is moving toward becoming one of the broken families that fill our society.  It’s been coming for a while, but this year, the process officially got started.  I am getting divorced.  So Christmas will be different this year.

If it were just this year that was going to be different, I think it would be easier to handle.  But I know next year will be the same – a chair at the table will be empty.  And it won’t be filled again. Someone else might sit in it one day, but it won’t ever be the same.

How many people feel the same way this year?  My son lost a friend in a car crash a few weeks ago.  His family is in mourning and their Christmas table will have an empty spot.  Spouses have become widows and widowers this year.  Their Christmases will never be the same.  What are we supposed to do with these messy Christmases?

My Christmas feels like that failed cake. It doesn’t look anything like the way I pictured it.  It is so far from what I planned and worked toward.  It hurts, and although the pain may dull a little in time, it will always be there. There is a void that will never be filled.

But I have hope in the midst of this mess.  If Jesus is my foundation, he’ll be there underneath that pain.  If he is Number One in my life, the pain will only ever be Number Two. He can, and will, ease the burden.    He is the only way that the void can be filled.   Is it easy?  No.  But the world doesn’t offer better solutions.  Numbing the pain with busyness or alcohol will not change it.  Only God, His love and His peace can fill in the missing and broken places.  If I am willing to hand my mess over to Him, He can turn this into something better.   He might even take the time to dress it up with it antlers or a hat.

If your Christmas feels un-fixable take heart that God is the God of the impossible.  He is the God who moves mountains, the God who gave babies to a barren women and a virgin when everyone knew that was impossible.  He is the God who drew water from a rock, the God who makes a way where there is no way.  He is the God who gave us Christmas when there was no room in the Inn.  He is the God who looked on us with pity and said, “I’ll go to them myself.”  I do not know yet what God has planned for me or for you, but I know that He loves us and I believe that we are not alone.  Here’s my messy Christmas Father, show me what You can do.

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Find some peace on Earth
Surviving Step-Christmas
What to do with tears in December

Feeling low this Christmas season?  You’re not alone.  Amid cheery songs, festive parties, gifts and good wishes, many lonely people are crying or dying on the inside.  Maybe you’re one of them.  I was.

During a horrible year, my wife of 20 years divorced me, my employer of 25 years fired me, and I had a cancer scare.  As I drove home one night, lovely Christmas music came on the radio.  Melancholy aching evidenced the deep pain of abandonment and loss that I was still processing.

No fun.

Blue Christmas

Romantic estrangement, family strife, and bereavement can make your holidays dismal.  One of Elvis Presley’s most popular songs was “Blue Christmas.”  A lonely crooner mourns heartbreaking lost love.  Performers from The Beach Boys to Celine Dion, Loretta Lynn, and Jon Bon Jovi have recorded it.

Does even thinking about that song make you depressed?  The spoofed “Porky Pig” version could get you laughing.  Google will take you there.  But please … wait until finishing this short article to search, OK?!

Several factors can produce Christmas blues.¹ Hectic activity can bring physical and emotional stress.  Overspending can produce financial pressure.  Year-end reflection and focus on loss can magnify sorrow.

McGill University psychologist Dr. Michael Spevack notes, “Overeating and over drinking combined with a decreased amount of sleep is also a formula for extreme emotional swings.”  Depression can lead to thoughts of suicide, especially among the socially isolated, he says.²

The “empty chair”

Is your family apart this season by necessity or choice?  Maybe an “empty chair” reminds you of your pain.  Does Christmas “Ho, Ho, Ho” contrast with your deep anguish?

One widow recalled how she felt during the Christmas after her husband’s death:  “Little mattered to me. I didn’t want to hear carols. I didn’t want to be cheered up. I didn’t want to look at perky Christmas cards. I wanted the same thing I’d wanted every day for eight months: the strength to force myself out of bed in the morning, to brush my teeth and to eat.”³

One possible influence, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), is a form of depression the medical community doesn’t completely understand.  The Mayo Clinic says genetics, age and body chemistry could be the culprits.  Mayo recommends seeing your doctor if you feel down for days and have motivation problems.  Symptoms can include changing sleep patterns and appetite, feeling hopeless, contemplating suicide, or seeking comfort in alcohol.⁴

Coping

How can you cope with Christmas loneliness?  Some suggestions:

• Spend time with people, especially positive ones who lift your spirits.  Perhaps you’ll be grateful for their cheer.
• Exercise regularly. Blood pumping can help clear your mind.
• Eat right.  Chocaholics beware.  Overindulgence can mean temporary highs followed by disappointing flab.
• Lights on!  Enjoy sunlight, outdoors if possible.  Brighten up your home and workplace.  Light therapy sometimes helps SAD.
• Budget your gift spending and stick with your budget.  Prevent January bill shock.
• Talk about your feelings.  Keeping them bottled up can mean anxiety, ulcers, sour disposition, and/or explosion.  Need a trusted, listening friend?  Try a local church.
• Give to others.  Volunteer.  Medical professor Stephen Post, PhD, is convinced that giving is essential for optimum physical and mental health in our fragmented society.  He says some California physicians give volunteerism “prescriptions” to their Medicare patients.⁵
• Seek counsel.  I used to be embarrassed to obtain professional counsel.  Now I recommend it.  We all can use good advice navigating life’s storms.
• Develop spiritual roots.  I’m glad that before my dark days began, I had a friendship with God.

Tired of friends who betray, manipulate, disrespect, or desert you?  God won’t.  He cares for you, values you, will listen to you and comfort you.  You can trust Him.  He always wants your best.

One early believer put it this way: “Since God did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t God, who gave us Christ, also give us everything else?”⁶His point: God loved us enough to send Jesus, his only Son, to die on the cross to pay the penalty for our wrong, our sins.  What a demonstration of love!  I can trust a God like that.  Then Jesus rose from the dead so He could live inside us and become our friend.

Your choice

Would you like to meet Jesus, the best friend you could ever have?  Wouldn’t Christmas season be a great time to place your faith in Him?  You can tell Him something like this:

Jesus, I need you.  Thanks for dying and rising again for me.  Please forgive me, enter my life, and give me eternal life.  Help me to become good friends with you and learn to follow your lead.

End notes

1. “Christmas Holiday Depression,” 18 December 2005; www.medicalnewstoday.com.
2. Ibid.
3. Mary Cartledgehayes, “Blue Christmas – Grieving Through The Holidays,” Christian Century, December 27, 2003; www.findarticles.com.
4. “Seasonal affective disorder (SAD),” Mayo Clinic Staff, September 24, 2007; www.mayoclinic.com.
5. Stephen Post, PhD., and Jill Neimark, Why Good Things Happen to Good People (New York: Broadway Books, 2007).

Are you one of the 7 million? I was.

As families break up, teens suffer rejection and loneliness. Rejection causes us to replay negative experiences in our minds. Each time we hit rewind and replay the situation our depression deepens. It’s a vicious cycle and a spiritual battle. You and I need God to break any mindset that keeps us trapped in a negative place. But how?

During the time when I was healing from my parents divorce, a minister came up to me and said, “God tells me you are replaying the pain. Stop rehearsing it. Instead fill your heart and mind with what God’s Word says about you.” I knew he was right, so I did as he said. And that was the beginning of a greater liberty in my life. From that day forward, I made a conscious effort to let go of my bitterness.

Finding your place

There is a place of belonging for you beginning today and that place is close to the heart of God. You can experience healing. You can leave the pain of your past behind. You can move into the future, whole and complete in Christ. God did it for me, and He will do it for you.

Maybe your parents divorced, your dad or mom left, one of your parents passed away, or a brother or sister betrayed you. Maybe you have a parent who is serving in the military and you miss them. Perhaps your family is struggling with unemployment; your parent is laid off and out of work. Your parents’ home may have been foreclosed and you wonder when the fighting over money will end. Whatever the root of your rejection has been, you must hold onto hope. You can throw off bitterness and experience healing in your soul.

Habakkuk 3:16-19 shows us that God works in the bad times in our lives. The hard experiences we endure really do make us stronger. Romans 8:28 goes on to say that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV)

Restoration is a process. Psalm 30:5 declares, “Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” No matter how cutting the pain of darkness is, the light of day always breaks through it.

God goes before you and He is greater than your circumstances. He sees your past, present, and future. He gets you. He stands with arms open. His love can heal your deepest sorrow. He can lift the bitterness you feel and bring liberty that will cause your heart to sing again.

I understand people you love have hurt you. Just remember, you are not rejected and you are not alone. You have a place of shelter, a Heavenly Father, a Christian family, and an eternal home.

Six Rejection Breaking Keys that Show How You B-E-L-O-N-G

B – Begin Starting anything new can be hard. In fact, there’s not much good we can do in our own ability without the Lord. That’s why God wants to be your strength as you begin embracing Him (Psalm 46:1 and II Corinthians 12:9-10).

E – Embracing Here’s where you act upon your faith. To embrace is to accept and welcome God in your life (Acts 16:31 and Romans 5:1). You might ask, “But, how do I embrace God?” Well, you talk to Him just like you talk to your best friend. (At the end of this post, there’s an opportunity for you to experience God’s love through the power of prayer.)

L – Love’s I John 4:16 tells us that “God is love”. Is it possible for people like you and me to know Love’s open arms? You bet it is. Never forget, you are God’s favorite one.

O – Open arms Jesus died on the cross, but He also rose from the grave. We aren’t embracing a dead or made-up deity. Our God is alive. The Holy Spirit enables us to feel His presence and sense His open arms. When we call on the Lord Jesus, He hears us every time (Isaiah 58:9).

N – Never-ending

Isaiah 9:6-7 reassures us that God is forever. He isn’t going to walk out on us. Isaiah says, “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, and Prince of Peace. Of the greatness of his government and peace there will be no end” (NIV, emphasis added). Did you get that last part? The kingdom of God is never-ending (Psalm 16:8).

G – Grace Favor surrounds you when the God of love is with you. John 1:17 reminds us, “the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ” (NIV). God will transform your life with His grace. He is the lifter of your head. No more rejection, only acceptance in Him.

A Prayer

God can heal your broken heart. Are you ready to pray?

Lord, who is more powerful than you? Who is more able to restore than you? Not anyone! I empty my heart of the rejection I have experienced and I ask you for peace. Will you revive me again? Will you take away the pain?

I believe you will! I will not hang my head low in defeat; I choose in this holy moment to hold onto hope. I lift my head high, knowing that you have created me to be an individual, as unique as the snowflakes outside. Help me to forgive my family. I release my resentment. Bring purity to my life, restore the trust. Heal the brokenness and cause my heart to sing with new joy! Thank you for being my Heavenly Father and for welcoming me into your family and home. I am neither rejected, nor alone because I BELONG to you. I ask all these things in Jesus’ name. Amen.

God hears and answers, so expect His breakthrough in your life. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (NIV). God is going to do something mighty for you.

Has divorce touched your family? Read our resources to find hope:

Helping children cope with separation and divorce
Entering marriage as a child of divorce
Stopping the cycle of divorce

She had an idea  of what the perfect life looked like. That’s what she wanted, that’s what she worked for and that’s what she had. “But it was fake.” So is divorce, then, the answer or is it just running from the real problem? For Cheryl it was the answer and that answer was to end it all. However just because our plans are to end something doesn’t mean they are God’s. And just because we make mistakes -big or small- doesn’t mean He can’t fix them. In the end, both Cheryl and Jeff had to have faith, pure faith to see things through. See how faithfully God reconciled their seven-year divorce, step by step, back into the marriage He had in mind.

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April 12th, 2009 forced a change in my life.

Change comes suddenly and without warning, often in ways we are not prepared for. A loss of a relationship, job loss, bad news, unwanted circumstances are all outside of our control. The change forces new challenges and opportunities to navigate the road ahead and forge on to allow God to lead us to new destinations.

If you are facing change in your life there are a few keys in making change your friend rather than foe:

1. Allow yourself time to heal emotionally, physically and spiritually from the shock of the unexpected. Making decisions to soon or for the wrong reasons can complicate your situation. The Holy Spirit can heal the brokenness and emptiness and bring wisdom in making decisions about your future.
2. Surround yourself with wise friends who will guide you and provide Godly wisdom. Be open and honest even transparent in the feelings you are experiencing.
3. Accept the fact change is a part of life and understand your setbacks can be followed by comebacks.
4. Know your steps are ordered by God and He has a plan and purpose for your future.
5. Understand that disappointments have meaning. If you separate the word dis from appointment it means cut off or separated from your appointment. Stalling in the land of disappointment will keep you from reaching the great and exciting destination God still has for your life.
6. Postpone major decisions but when you are ready aggressively take action to move ahead. Don’t allow  doubt or fear  to camp in your thinking.
7. Believe that nothing happens that God is not fully aware of and has provision to bring you into a new level of faith and wisdom.

Got change? Whatever change you are facing today God is still in control. The clouds will roll back and the sun will shine again. Change when accepted constructively will become deposits and investments that will become more valuable over time.

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Coping with Change
Finding Peace in Troubled Times