Seven FamilyLife marriage conferences held across Canada in one season proved once again that where Jesus is in the picture, there’s hope.

“People are realizing that God in the center of a marriage really makes a difference,” said FamilyLife Canada Director Dave Currie. “Couples see that token Christianity doesn’t bring about the closeness they hope for.”

A Richmond attendee, who had been married for five years, agrees: “The conference has brought me back to God so I can be the man God wants me to be,” he said.

The three-day conferences offer transparent presentations by skillful speaker couples, a date night on Saturday night as well as many communication projects to facilitate closeness between couples.

These conferences regularly attract as many as a 1,000 attendees, but that doesn’t seem to bother those who come. ”We didn’t feel like we had to mingle with other couples,” said one husband who attended the Richmond conference.  “Although we were part of a large group it felt like it was just the two of us.”

Since the conference emphasizes God’s plan for marriage, it offers renewed hope to many. “We came here struggling, but we now have some hope for our marriage,” said a young wife, who had been married for a year. ”I have come from a place of hopelessness to hopefulness,” wrote another.

“One couple drove eight hours from New Brunswick to attend the conference in Sherbrooke, Quebec,” said Ev Baerg, National Coordinator for FamilyLife Canada. Although the couple had been separated before coming to the conference, by day three, they had decided to get back together.

“A real surrender to Christ is not only changing lives, but changing homes,” said Dave Currie.

He recently received an e-mail from a grateful couple who attended a conference in Whistler. The wife wrote, “We’ve been told we are living proof that once God breaks you, He will put you back together in a truly amazing way and your marriage will be a blessing to those who know you. We are telling anyone who will listen to run, not walk, to their computers or phone and register for a FamilyLife marriage conference.”

For more information about upcoming FamilyLife marriage conferences:
Click here to visit the Canadian FamilyLife website, and Click here to visit the US FamilyLife website

Some of us were more prepared for parenthood than others.

Wherever you are on that continuum, chances are that by the time your first child hit two years old, you realized there is no such thing as a perfect parenting plan. Every parent wants to raise a child who will become a person of character; a person of integrity who will make a positive difference in the lives of others. Unfortunately though, there’s no manual that will guarantee you the outcome you desire.

Yet, that doesn’t mean we should approach it haphazardly. As a parent, you have an amazing opportunity to shape another generation; to help develop a person who will carry on your legacy and continue to impact the world long after you are gone. What a privilege! Being a parent is an awesome thing, and we need to take it seriously.

Determine what you stand for

You can’t transfer your values to your kids if you don’t know what you stand for. As a couple, take the time to talk through your beliefs and the virtues you hold most dear. It’s critical that you’re on the same page in this, or you’ll end up each leading your kids in a different direction.

From there, you can map out a game plan as to how you’re going to develop the character of each child. Sit down together and write out a list of characteristics you’d like to see in your kids – and the things you don’t want to see in your kids. That’s right, I said write them down! Good intentions are fine, but without intentionality they will not come to fruition.

Begin putting together your game plan as early as possible. Even when your child is a baby you can start thinking about the primary things that need to happen in their life. What do you want to see developed in them? If you have your goals set out early, they can act as a filter through which you pass your parenting decisions down the road.

Speaking of “down the road,” for some people it can feel overwhelming to be looking so far into the future. You may feel like it’s all you can do to keep up with what needs to be done today, let alone worrying about how your child is going to turn out twenty years from now. That’s pretty normal. A long-term plan is valuable, but it is still lived out one day at a time. Rather than becoming overwhelmed by all that you need to do, try choosing one thing to work on with each child this winter and go from there.

Live out your values

It’s been said before, but it’s true. So much more is caught than taught. No matter how many lessons you may teach them, remember that your kids are learning so much more from the way you live and carry yourself, than they are from the things you say.

Kids are looking for role models. Whether it’s sports heroes or rock stars, children emulate the people they look up to. You may not be rich and famous, but you can give your kids a much better reason to respect you by living a life of integrity. Live out the values that you want your kids to exude in their own lives, and more than likely they will begin to follow in your footsteps as the years go by. Set the bar high in terms of your expectations of yourself if you want to set it high for your kids.

Maximize teachable moments

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could always schedule our child’s training into our day? “Today from 3:00-3:30 we are going to teach Johnny the value of honesty.”

As you know, parenting doesn’t happen that way. Each day comes with opportunities for building our child’s character that we don’t plan or choose. Sometimes they come when we’re busy or distracted, or when we just don’t feel like being a parent. But if we can slow down enough to catch a teachable moment and slide in that lesson, it’s a beautiful gift to your child. They will make an immediate connection between the incident and the value, and they’ll remember it the next time a similar situation arises.

Make daily deposits of virtue

We’ve already talked about the importance of intentionality. I want to challenge you to intentionally make daily deposits into their life. In other words, make a conscious effort to say something to your child everyday that is going to be of lasting value in the development of their character.

You may have a list of eight to ten things you want for your child’s life, but you’ve got to come to the point that you translate that list into everyday life. Try posting that list in the cupboard or somewhere else you’ll see it regularly. Check-mark your way through it. Ask yourself, have I talked about honesty lately? Have I talked about trust, or kindness? And if the answer is no, make a point of doing it before the day is over.

As you continuously make these daily deposits, there will be lasting character value. That’s not to say there won’t still be struggles. None of us have perfect children, and none of us are perfect parents, either. But with a solid game plan and the determination to follow it through, we can raise children of character.

As you drive by your neighbourhood school over the next couple of weeks, take a good look at the kids’ faces. Note the smiles; listen to the laughter. Even the most reluctant student is excited to be back in school…for a few days, anyway. The thrill of seeing friends again and sharing tales of summertime adventures actually makes the first week or two – dare I say it – fun.

But as the last rays of summer fade away, as September slips into October and the reality of homework hits home once again, many of those kids will trade in their smiles and laughter for the all-too familiar refrain: “I hate school!”

Whether they like it or not, our kids will be in school for at least 12 years of their lives, and most of them longer than that – so they might as well like it! The benefits are obvious: better grades, good habits, less likelihood of rebellion and more fun along the way. But what do you do if your child sincerely hates school? Is there any hope that their perspective can change?

There is. And like most other aspects of parenting, it starts with you.

Parents: Do your homework

If we want our kids to become good students, we need to become students of them. We need to do our homework by getting to know each one of our kids and understanding what makes them tick.

Each child is uniquely wired and uniquely gifted. As parents, it’s easy to slip into the familiar routines and patterns and to treat all our kids the same. We treat them as if they’re all cookie-cut from the same dough. We ask questions like, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” We wonder why the methods we used with the first child don’t work with the second.

God makes all our kids different, both in their temperament and in their learning styles. The first child is often quite compliant because they want to really impress Mom and Dad, and so they fall into step quite early. The second one, on the other hand, can throw you for a loop with their free-spiritedness.

I look at my own four kids and they really are unique in and of themselves: in their interests, their aptitudes, and their gifts and abilities. Their learning styles are very different. So as parents we would be wise to try to understand their learning styles and work to their strengths, rather than trying to squeeze them all into the same mould. That will only lead to frustration, both for you and your kids.

Let your kids know that it’s okay to be different. They don’t have to be like their sister. Celebrate who they are, and don’t play the comparison game. That can be so damaging. You don’t want your child thinking, “I’m not as good as my brother or my sister, because she gets straight A’s.” That kind of thinking not only snuffs out a desire to learn, but it damages their psyche in a deep and lasting way. So don’t go there.

Foster a thirst for learning early

If we can help our children experience at an early age that learning is fun, it will make a big difference in their attitude towards school throughout their formative years.

You may not realize it, but kids likely learn more in their first five years of life than in the next twelve years of school. Those early years are a great opportunity to instil in them the value of learning and the joy of discovery.

Kids will feel good about learning if they believe they can do it. If they can go into school with a sense of confidence, they will look forward to it with anticipation, instead of being intimidated or overwhelmed by the newness of it all.

Rather than waiting till your kids begin their formal education, you can prepare them by reading to them when they’re young. By age four or five, you can help them learn the basics. Teach them to recognize the alphabet, how to print their letters, and how to write their name. Before long, they’ll start to recognize some words, and that will encourage them. They’ll begin to experience success in the learning environment, which will make it more attractive and comfortable. Children will be much more inclined to like learning if you build them up as they discover things.

It’s also important to help your kids develop a thirst for learning about God and His Word. You can encourage them in that direction in a fun way by reminding them of Psalm 119:99: “I have more insight than all my teachers, for I meditate on all Your statutes.” What kid wouldn’t want to be wiser than his teachers?

Define success carefully

We live in a culture that is driven to achieve. There is nothing wrong with desiring to excel, but it can be taken too far. Nothing will obliterate a kid’s interest in school faster than a parent’s unrealistic expectations.

Too many parents tie their own sense of worth to the performance of their child, whether it’s in school, sports or the arts. If their kid doesn’t meet their standards, they rake them over the coals, because they are embarrassed about how it reflects on them. The child that comes home with some B’s and C’s is chastised: “What’s wrong with you? How come it’s not better?”

Now, there are times when a child is capable of more and is guilty of not putting in enough effort. That needs to be addressed. But examine your expectations as well. Many times, the real problem is that the parent has expectations that don’t fit in line with the child. Too often, the expectations crush the kid; if they can’t live up to them, why bother trying? School becomes a place where the child only experiences failure.

Instead of tying your son or daughter’s worth to the scores on their report card, emphasize the value of simply doing their best. That is what you can reasonably expect of them, and they need to know that you are proud of them when they try their hardest – regardless of the results.

Remember: there are more important things in life than straight A’s. It’s ironic that in the workplace, many people are affirmed for their social skills and their ability to talk to people and “network” – the very things they got in trouble for at school!

Affirmation builds, criticism destroys

You will never get the best out of your kids by driving them, by criticizing, by burying them. Research has repeatedly demonstrated that for every negative comment a child receives, it takes 4-6 times as much positive reinforcement to get their self-worth back to a state of equilibrium. If kids are going to make it in this world, they have to be confident, they have to be strong, they have to be believed in. And that starts at home.

Your kids have to know that Mom and Dad are their biggest fans. They need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt, “Even if I mess up, Dad will accept me,” or “Even though I made a mistake on my exam, I’m still going to make it.”

Parental affirmation builds kids up and gives them courage to keep going. Criticism destroys and takes away that desire to grow and to become all that they can be. No one in this world is able to puff up your child’s chest like you can; when you praise them, it goes so much farther than anyone else saying something good to them. But it goes the other way, too: no one on earth can demoralize your child more than you can with constant criticism. So stand behind your kids and give them the strength they need to face the world with confidence.

People are not perfect, and neither is the world we live in, so it shouldn’t surprise us that our relationships aren’t ideal.

Dr. Dave Currie, a marriage counselor and marriage conference speaker with 25 years  experience as a pastor and college professor sat down with me to discuss some of the important aspects of conflict resolution. He has taught thousands of couples about at marriage conferences across the world. When practiced, these methods will help to resolve differences without allowing feelings of disappointment, bitterness and anger to build up.

Before conflict arises

How you behave in your marriage before conflicts hits has a huge impact on how conflict is handled. There are behaviors and attitudes you can put into practice now that will make disagreements a lot easier to handle, and a lot less damaging to your marriage when they do happen.

1. Have a pre-determined game plan. Agree on conflict resolution guidelines before getting into a tense/difficult discussion. Decide what is acceptable behavior and what you will both do to try and resolve the conflict. One example of a guideline would be agreeing to talk about one issue at a time (see below). This is especially important in the early years of marriage (the first 10 to 15 years), when you are establishing behavior patterns in your relationship.
2. Maintain a bank account: make deposits as well as withdrawals. The best way to have a great marriage is to catch each other doing things you appreciate. Affirm your partner as you see him/her doing something that pleases you. Set the tone for the relationship by affirming – making “deposits”. If all you’re doing is making “withdrawals” by always complaining and pointing out blunders, it gives your spouse the incentive to give up and say, “I can never please this man/woman”. Train yourself to anticipate and be sensitive to the other person’s feelings.
3. Practice successive approximations. This is another element of encouragement. It works to reinforce movement in a desired direction. For example, instead of saying “I hate how this place is so dirty!” a better approach would be to say, “I can see that you’re busy. Can I help you pick up?” Remember that there are often better ways to get to the result you’re seeking.

When you and your spouse disagree

If you have a pre-determined game plan in place, you’re already a step ahead when a disagreement arises. When you find yourself in conflict, remember that the goal of a disagreement is to find a solution that benefits both parties, neither of you needs to “win”. Don’t set your partner up for an attack, you’re in this together.

1. Agree on a time to sit and talk with your partner about the issue. As a rough generalization, most men’s thoughts and concerns are compartmentalized. When he’s at work, he becomes preoccupied with what is before him. The same goes for when he’s at home. So if his wife interrupts him with an issue when he’s busy with something else (for example, watching TV), it could “push his buttons” to create tension. Set a time to meet with him to seriously discuss the issue in a room with no distractions. It is a more effective way to get his full attention.
2. Deal with one issue at a time. Besides helping to maintain order, it is a more effective way to achieve the goal of working through the problems at hand to arrive at a resolution. So identify your concerns, making sure to deal with issue #1 before moving on to issue #2.
3. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This helps to keep both sides from getting on the defensive. Realize that words are important. They can be delivered in such a way as to either bring healing or destruction. When the word “you” is used frequently when speaking to your partner, he/she will automatically feel accused. This in turn can provoke unnecessary reactions that will only serve to keep you both from resolving the issues in the most simple and straightforward manner.
4. Think through problems to avoid misunderstandings. “I didn’t mean that”. “I thought that’s what you said”. How often have you heard these words, or spoken them to your spouse? It is so easy to make assumptions. Be careful to actively listen to the other person and strive to clarify misunderstandings.
5. Share your perspective without getting emotional. Women, let’s be honest. More often than not, when we get frustrated, we clam up. But as difficult as it may be, share your perspective while holding your ground. Don’t get too emotional too early. Men often interpret that as manipulation.

Getting rid of the root of bitterness

How is your marriage? Do you find it easy or difficult to communicate with your spouse? If you have feelings of resentment and anger that have been accumulating over the years, it’s vital that you take action to rid yourself of those toxic feelings. Jesus Christ has the power to forgive us for the things we have done and cleanse us from feelings of guilt.

Don’t give up hope! The first and most significant thing you can do to save your marriage, if you haven’t already, is to commit it to God. He knows every emotion of your heart (Psalm 139) and His Son Jesus has been tempted in the same ways that you have, but He chose to obey His Father each and every time (Hebrews 4:15). Therefore, He can sympathize with us.

You matter to God. Your marriage matters to God. He loves you so much that He gave His only Son for you. You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Saviour and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.

Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.

What are some of the warning signs of entering a potentially compromising relationship? How can you safeguard your marriage?

In this short video clip, Dr. Dave Currie, host of new TV show Marriage Uncensored, discusses some of these questions with marital therapist Kirby Hanawalt. Watch the video clip to learn about some of the key principles involved in affair-proofing your marriage.

• Click to watch the video clip
• Click to read the transcript
• Talk to a Coach about affair-proofing your marriage.

For more resources or to get the full discussion on how to affair-proof your marriage, visit Marriage Uncensored.

Discussion questions:

• What are the signs of an eroding marital relationship?
• How does one rebuild trust after an affair?
• Discuss the role of forgiveness in a struggling relationship?
• As a couple, what things help to build unity in a relationship?

Join Dr. Dave Currie and guest Stephen Arterburn, author of the popular book Every Man’s Battle, in a discussion of understanding the man’s struggle for sexual integrity. In this short clip, they share their insights and give practical tips for both the husband and wife on how to tackle this problem.

Watch the video clip.

For more resources or to get the full discussion on this topic, visit Marriage Uncensored.

The house was not built by accident; it was built by clear intent. We carefully chose our house plans and built accordingly. We even ripped a few things out to correct our mistakes when we hadn’t read our house plans carefully enough. By the time that project was over, I had referred to the plan so many times that I almost knew it by heart.

When a couple painstakingly goes through a four mouth period to build their own home, they do it because of “sweat equity”. This concept is basically saying that there is amazing value in putting in the extra time and effort to build your own home. The same holds true when it comes to building a Godly family.

When you build with a goal in mind, according to your house plans, you end up with a finished product: a home that is structurally sound as well as aesthetically pleasing.  Not unlike actual construction, building a Godly home with God’s kind of blueprint in mind creates a family that is structurally sound and unbelievably pleasing to be a part of.

The following are some of the principles that you need to practice if you want to build a Godly home. And yes, if you follow His plans, you will truly enjoy some great “sweat equity.”

1. Follow God’s blueprint
   Make a choice as a couple that you will do family God’s way. Put a stake in the ground, like Joshua did when he announced, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” (Josh. 24:15). This decision to surrender your marriage, your family relationships and your family’s ongoing well-being to the Lord is a hugely significant step to take. You are not going to build a family by accident but by clear intention, and it is very important that you know God’s plan like the back of your hand.
2. Live by the blueprint
   It is so critical that parents model the difference that Jesus makes in their life personally, as well as within a marriage. We are saying, “Yes, God’s way is best,” but our kids are more taken and influenced by our actions than by our words. So much more is caught than taught. For years I have been saying that we will have a new generation of committed Christians only to the extent that this generation, you and I, as parents, live totally dedicated to Jesus. If they see it in our lives, they certainly have a better chance of finding God and the significance He makes in a life. Donalyn and I call Philippians 4:9 the “parents’ prayer” as it says, “Whatever you have learned, received, heard from me or seen in me, put into practice and the God of peace will be with you.” We’re basically saying to our kids, “Watch and see that God’s way is best.”
3. Coach according to God’s game plan
   Over the course of approximately 18 years that we have to influence our children, it should be our goal to instruct and guide them in God’s plan for a person’s life. Beyond that, we will find that each child has a unique calling of God on their life based on their gifts, their heart and abilities. We need to help them discover God’s specific plan for their life, and not only the general plan of how He wants us all to live. Deuteronomy 6:7-9 guides us in how we should talk about the Lord when we get up in the morning, when we’re traveling, when we’re sitting down for meals, and going to bed at night. Talking about the influence of God on our family and our lives needs to be 24/7 and as natural as breathing.
4. Live in a safe work environment
   Your home should be the safest place on earth for every member of your family. It should be the child’s haven and they should always feel free to come running to mom and dad for help, support, and safety. Family members are to be cherished and respected. God’s plan requires proper treatment on the job site – it is mandatory. How you treat your spouse matters hugely to God. The way in which you believe in and support your kids matters hugely to God. What goes on in the four walls of your house, and the belonging that each family member experiences, is a test of the validity of your faith. Make your home the safest place your family could ever live.
5. Build as a team
   Time together as a family has to be a nonnegotiable commitment. There needs to be extended time where you can love, laugh with and live with the other members of your family. Adjust your priorities so that time with the kids is important – and not just for mom, but for dad too. Time with each other as a couple is equally as important, because one of the greatest gifts you can ever give to your kids is to love your spouse. This brings the stability and security that only a tight home can give a kid.
6. Pray the plan into being
   It is crucial that a couple prays together for their marriage, for each child, and for issues in the home. Not only do we need to pray daily for our children, but we need to be praying daily with our children. As they get older, we may not be having bedtime prayers anymore, but we need to continue to pray together about significant events in their lives, and in the lives of other family members. To pray together with your kids (and your teens) during difficult times in their lives is so critical. For them to actually hear you holding them up before the Lord is a very beautiful gift. They will understand God’s place in your life as you pray together as a family.

Sweat Equity. Yes, it’s the value you put into your home through the extra time and effort you choose to expend in building it. It’s likely even more true with your family. Put God first in your family. Spend time with each one of your kids, affirming their value to you and their incredible worth to God. Get excited about what God wants to do, not only in your family but through your family. Then you will not only have legacy that is talked about, but an influence that is extensive.

Forgive and forget. It’s a well-worn cliché – one that is easier to say than to practice.

If you’re married, you’ve been there. Your spouse has said or done something that has wounded you. It may be something small, or it may be a major betrayal. Either way, your pride screams at you to take revenge. If you don’t strike back immediately, you at least want to keep this “guilt card” in your pocket, to be pulled out at a later date: “Oh yeah, well what about the time when you….”

When we’ve been offended, the last thing we want to do is to let it go. And yet, if our desire is to have a healthy, lasting marriage, that is exactly what we’ve got to do. Here are seven suggestions to keep in mind when your spouse lets you down:

1. Don’t start without your spouse
   If you need to talk to your spouse about something, don’t just corner them and launch in unexpectedly. That is a recipe for hostility. Instead, agree together on a time to discuss the issue. That gives each of you a chance to think about it in advance, which will result in a more productive discussion than if one partner simply lambastes the unsuspecting “offender”.
2. Handle negative emotions responsibly
   When we react emotionally, we often say and do things that we later regret. In many cases, it is best to delay the discussion until you’ve settled down, gained a proper perspective, and prayed about your attitude. This will allow you to go into it looking for a solution, rather than just being consumed with your own hurt.As partners, you need to respect each other’s need to “take five”. If your spouse needs to wait a few minutes, or even a day or two, to cool down, don’t press the issue. This should not be used as an excuse to avoid the discussion entirely, but it is better to take some time to clear your head than to allow your emotions to take you somewhere that you don’t want to go.
3. Deal with one issue at a time
   Remember that “guilt card” we mentioned earlier? Once you’re into the discussion, you will be tempted to pull it out. Soon, your conversation has deteriorated into a long list of offenses, as you try to outdo one another with everything that the other person has ever done wrong.  This only intensifies the conflict and deepens the divide between you. It can also be overwhelming to be presented with a massive list of things that need to change. Instead of being motivating, it’s discouraging.Instead, be content to solve one problem at a time. It is much better to make serious headway in one area of your relationship than to simply rehearse everything that needs fixing.
4. Be clear about your perspective
   Give each other some uninterrupted time to share your concerns. If you are just trading barbs back and forth, neither of you will really be hearing the other – you’ll be too busy thinking about your next comeback.When it is your time to talk, try to help your mate understand your hurt or frustration. Help them to see why their actions and words had the impact that they did. Likewise, the offending spouse should have the opportunity to explain their words or behaviour. It could be that you have misinterpreted their motives, and when this is cleared up it goes along way towards solving the problem.
5. Hold your relationship more dear than this issue
   Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our feelings or our “rights” that we lose sight of the bigger picture. People joke about marriages breaking up over toothpaste and toilet paper disputes, but it really happens! Remember that your relationship is the primary concern. You may have some issues to sort out, but you still love one another – and loving one another often means letting the other person be right.
6. Walk in an attitude of forgiveness
   If you are going to live with this person for the next 20…30…50 years, you are going to have to forgive one another manytimes. You cannot afford to not forgive. Unforgiveness does not only hurt your spouse, it hurts you! As Corrie Ten Boom said, “Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.”This brings us back to the issue of forgiving and forgetting. In truth, there are some hurts that you will never be able to forget. What is more important is that we choose to let it go. Proverbs 17:9 says, “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” Forgiveness entails giving up your right to punish your spouse – whether through direct retaliation or just letting bitterness fester.Over the past year, I have discovered the value of “advance forgiveness”. I make a conscious decision that, the next time my wife Donalyn offends me, I am going to forgive her. Then, when it happens, I remember that I have already decided to forgive her, so there is no point in making a big deal out of it now. This really helps to take my critical edge off.
7. Forgive as Christ forgave you - Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each another and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”And just how does the Lord forgive us? Fully. Unconditionally. Willingly. Time and time again.This kind of forgiveness is supernatural; it is more than we can do on our own. Particularly if your spouse has betrayed you in a major way, you may need to ask God for the ability to let go of the hurt and forgive them from your heart. But as you trust God to give you His strength and love, He will help you to forgive…even when your spouse has really let you down.

If you have never experienced God’s complete, unconditional forgiveness, know this: God loves you deeply. There is no sin that is so great that He is unwilling to forgive you, if you would just come to Him. If this is the desire of your heart, pray this prayer:

Dear God, I need You in my marriage, and in my life. I acknowledge that I have sinned against You by directing my own life, and that I cannot go on any further without Your help and guidance – and above all, Your forgiveness. I thank You for sending Your Son Jesus to die on the cross to pay for my sins. I now accept that sacrifice and invite Jesus to take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit and empower me to live the life You have called me to. Thank You for forgiving me. Amen.

Host

Guest:  Well, some of the danger signs are when you start finding your mind and thoughts coming back to that person constantly. When you’re starting to say “ooh”, a comparison between her maybe and your spouse.  Those are very significant danger signs.  The other is just wanting not to go home very much.  A couple of others is, you start picking fights with your spouse, it’s kind of subconsciously that we start doing that and trying to affirm inside of us, “Oh, you know, that person is such a nice person”.

Host:  “I’m justified.”

Guest:  Yes, because “How could anybody live with this women, or this man or anything.”

Dave Currie:  Tonight’s been an amazing show talking about a very serious topic of how to affair-proof your marriage.  So here are my best thoughts on how you can actually put a hedge around your marriage and actually affair-proof it. First of all you’ve got to:

1. Re-commit to marital faithfulness
   There needs to be a decision in your heart that “I want to be loyal to my husband.  I want to be loyal to my wife”.  It was all part of your vows, “As long as we both shall live”.  There was a time when you said, with the ring on the finger, “It is you, and you only”.  And it was a special time, it was a great time.  It was a conscious decision.  But in the same way you made a commitment in front of those people that wedding day, you need to make a commitment that says, “I will remain faithful to you”.  Have the integrity to be able to see something endure long in your marriage.  I love calling it a Legacy of Integrity, where your kids, as they watch, they see something real, something lasting happen.
2. Break the silence
   If you’ve messed up, the best thing to do is talk to somebody, a counselor, a friend, a priest, rabbi, pastor.  Talk to somebody to get some help in working it through.  Make sure that your advice is not coming from somebody who has had an affair who’s going to go light on you.  Get someone who’s wise who can help you fix things, correct things.  I might even suggest that not only breaking the silence with a friend, but you need to tell your spouse about either the temptations you’ve had or the situation that you’ve been through.  You want to build your marriage on a foundation of honesty and it’s a wonderful thing to do.
3. Walk from compromising relationships
   Put distance between yourself and the person that’s tempting you.  For sure, put distance between yourself and the person that you’ve had an affair with.  You’ve got to do that.  You’ve got to break all that relationship.  But you know what?  If you’re going to keep from having an affair, you don’t want to put yourself into compromising situations in the first place.
4. Realize the cost of an affair
   That was one of the things I did, likely 5 or 6 years after I was married.  I took some time to think through what would happen if I actually had a sexual affair on Donalyn.  And, you know, I thought about all the different situations that would succumb.  I mean, I’d have to face her, I’d have to face, well one of the hardest ones is looking at my dad in the face and tell him that I really blew it, because my dad is such a man of integrity.  Looking at my kids and telling my kids that I’ve blown it, that would just kill me. And you know what?  I want to have a legacy.  All that I stand for.  Here I am teaching on marriage and to have blown it in my life, what a travesty of what I stand for. And you know what?  You need to realize the cost of an affair and especially that 80% of second marriages blow it anyway.  So the answer isn’t getting rid of this spouse for another one it’s working out the things with the one you have.
5. Build in relational safeguards
   I call them hedges, where you have friends in your life who hold you accountable.  Where you don’t go out one-on-one with another person of the opposite sex, other than your spouse.  And you only have couple friends.  You don’t have individual friends of the opposite sex.  Those are some of the things that are going to help you put those hedges in and stay with them.

You may have heard it said on occasion that nothing can suck the passion out of a relationship faster than marriage.

Well, it must be, because study after study has revealed that married couples have a higher degree of satisfaction with their sex lives than those who engage in sex outside of marriage. Imagine that: surveys actually reveal that good sex is marital sex within a deep and committed relationship. But this kind of satisfaction is not automatic. Instead, it comes when a couple commits to working on building a healthy sex relationship over a lifetime.

Your marriage can include a sizzling sex life no matter how long you have been married. We have passed our 30th anniversary, and our intimacy just keeps getting better. Here are some guiding principles that will give you your best shot at looking forward to great times in your bedroom.

The warmer the relationship, the hotter the sex

At the heart of a great marriage is the security of knowing that we are best friends. Now to be honest, this is usually a greater need for the woman than for the husband. Guys sometimes take the relationship for granted a little bit, but women need to know beyond doubt that their husbands are a safe harbor. They need to know that they are significant to their spouse, and not just an add-on.

A growing, dynamic friendship built on time-spent-together away from the bedroom will allow for a greater intimacy within the bedroom. Sadly, many marriages deteriorate because when the relationship is not strong, sexuality becomes cheapened. Women often feel used or taken for granted. They think, “If this is all he wants, he doesn’t really care about me.”

So, if a man wants amazing sex with his wife, the greatest gift that he could give himself is to work hard to become his wife’s best friend. As he does, she grows in her freedom to enjoy herself sexually in the security of a caring relationship and thus, provides response to his needs in greater freedom. Continue to work on the relationship and it will really help your sex life to sizzle.

Sex is for two to enjoy

Mutuality in sexuality is critical. For 55 years now the Playboy regime has been training men to view women as sex objects or toys for their amusement – men have become takers. This male-dominated approach to sexuality has made a travesty out of good and beautiful sexual intimacy as God intended.

We must reject the crazy notion that sex is more a “guy thing.” It was never intended to be that way. Society has twisted sex into a male-focused experience. But when it is mutually and fully enjoyed, when the woman is equally satisfied, and when it is born out of a great friendship, it becomes a very meaningful and deeply connecting time together.

Donalyn, in one of her many profound moments, put it best this way: “Women need a meaningful, satisfying relationship to maintain great sex. Men need satisfying, great sex to maintain a meaningful relationship.” As we have approached sexuality from different perspectives, we’ve grown to understand each other in deeper ways, and both our relationship and our intimacy have grown stronger.

Open talk about sex is essential

A couple needs to learn to be open, listening and patient in order to fully understand one another’s sexual needs. This takes courage and vulnerability. It’s one thing to talk about sex in a general way, but to talk about preferences, timing, what’s missing, what you might desire – that’s no easy task. It’s important to be open about what you’re expecting because many times people go on disappointed about their sexual experience but have never communicated to their spouse what they’re really looking for. Share what you feel you are needing.

Now, if your sexual appetite has been influenced by exposure to pornography or some other inappropriate sexual experiences along the line, that likely isn’t a good template of what you are looking for in marital sexuality. Many relationships have gone downhill because the spouse is expected to perform along the lines of something their mate saw in a pornographic movie or magazine. We’ll talk more about sexual variation later. For now, live your own fantasy with your spouse – not someone else’s.

Also, remember that a couple’s sexual experience is sacred. There a song that was popular about 20 years ago that said, “No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.” That sense of safety is critical in marriage. Husbands and wives need to be able to share openly with one another and enjoy sexual intimacy together without fear that their experiences or preferences are going to be showcased for the guys in the locker room or the girls over coffee. It’s a private matter that should only be shared outside the marriage either when you’re helping other people or when you yourself are being helped in a counseling situation. The security that comes from a sense of privacy is foundational to a good sexual relationship.

Variety is both spicy and dicey

Variety is desirable because, as the saying goes, variety is the spice of life. Being creative with different aspects of sexuality adds energy and fun to the relationship. When there are attempts to be imaginative, it says “I’ve been thinking about you away from the bedroom. I’ve been looking forward to this time; it’s important to me.” So go ahead and take steps to enhance your time together, whether with candles, fancier sheets, music, breath fresheners or mints, perfumes, lotions, or – my favourite – lingerie. Be sure to grow your pleasure together.

Variety can also be dicey in the sense that it’s important to establish as a couple the parameters of your sexual variation. Here are some wise guidelines:

• The activity should not in any way be psychologically damaging to either party.
• The activity must not be physically harmful or involve any kind of fear or risk.
• The activity must not be clearly Biblically disallowed.
• The activity must be mutually and freely agreed upon by both partners.

Beyond these limits, every married couple has sexual freedom. Enjoy it!

A focus with a reward

Good times don’t just happen. They develop in the context of a healthy, committed, growing relationship. A deep sense of security, knowing that your partner is committed to you and fully faithful to you, will be at the heart of a great relationship, and ultimately, a sizzling sex life.

It also takes planning. In the very busy, high-paced world in which we live, sexuality is often either squeezed out of our schedule, or we’re so tired that when we do get time alone, we don’t have the energy or can’t stay focused and engaged in a way that would fully satisfy each other.

Spontaneity has its place, but you need to plan times together. You need to work to improve the experience, to understand each other, and to guarantee privacy – nothing will derail intimacy faster than little kids knocking on the door in the middle of it! Unplug the phones and lock the doors. Do what it takes to prepare for having great sexual times together.

Pray together, asking God to bless your growing understanding of each other, your marital relationship and your lovemaking. Actually pray before or after your times of intimacy. (Praying during can be complicated!)

Finally, remember that the sexual relationship is one that develops over time and through many seasons of the marriage. Learn to enjoy each season, and grow together as a couple in both your friendship and your intimacy. God gave us all good things to enjoy, and sexuality is one of His best gifts to every married couple.