“Everything on earth has its own time and its own season” Ecclesiastes 3:1, CEV

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised” Job 1:21

When you are a baby Christian, God gives you a lot of confirming emotions and often answers the most immature, self-centered prayers—so you’ll know He exists. But as you grow in faith, He will wean you of these dependencies.

God’s omnipresence and the manifestation of His presence are two different things. One is a fact; the other is often a feeling. God is always present, even when you are unaware of Him, and His presence is too profound to be measured by mere emotion.

Yes, He wants you to sense His presence, but He’s more concerned that you trust Him than that you feel Him. Faith, not feelings, pleases God.

The situations that will stretch your faith most will be those times when life falls apart and God is nowhere to be found. This happened to Job. On a single day he lost everything: his family, his business, his health, and everything he owned. Most discouraging—for thirty-seven chapters, God said nothing!

How do you praise God when you don’t understand what’s happening in your life and God is silent? How do you stay connected in a crisis without communication? How do you keep your eyes on Jesus when they’re full of tears? You do what Job did: “Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised’” (Job 1:20–21).
Tell God exactly how you feel. Pour out your heart to God. Unload every emotion that you’re feeling. Job did this when he said, “I can’t be quiet! I am angry and bitter. I have to speak!” (Job 7:11, TEV).

He cried out when God seemed distant: “Oh, for the days when I was in my prime, when God’s intimate friendship blessed my house” (Job 29:4).

God can handle your doubt, anger, fear, grief, confusion, and questions.

Question: How do you see the relationship between faith and feelings?

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Are you facing a challenging day today? Our mentors are here if you’d like someone to talk to.

“For those who are LED by the Spirit of God are the children of God” (Romans?8:14).

Think about your past week for just a moment. What has been leading you through your days?

•    Are you being led astray in your faith by the company you are keeping?

•    Are you being led by a rushing busyness that brings unrest to your heart and mind?

•    Are you being dragged by your emotions?

God calls us to be LED by the Spirit of God. But it’s not always an easy thing to wrap your mind around. Here is a tool, in the form of the acronym LED, to help you intentionally allow yourself to be LED by God’s Spirit today.

Romans 8:14 “For those who are LED by the Spirit of God are the children of God.”

1.    L- Look for His mercies

Lamentations 3:22-23 “Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

EVERY MORNING God’s love and faithfulness are fresh to draw upon. His care is unlimited. His plan is not for us to be “consumed” by the circumstances and cares of our day. Turn your thoughts to His love and faithfulness before our feet hit the floor in the morning and as you drift off to sleep at night.

Psalm 92:2 “It is good to proclaim your unfailing love in the morning, your faithfulness in the evening”

Sandwich your day between declaring His love afresh over you in the morning and in the evening thanking Him for His faithful care.

2.    E- Encourage daily

Hebrews 3:13 “But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.”

Take the time to get into God’s presence to allow His word to encourage your heart. Listen for His still, small voice as He nudges you to offer a word of encouragement to others as you go through your day.

All of us can be deceived by the lie, “You are all alone”. Especially at times of loss or crisis or difficult days. Our hearts can begin to harden and we need the daily encouragement of our Lord and of each other as we share the journey of life.

3.   D-Declare Thanksgiving

Psalm 50:23  “He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God.”

Thanksgiving is so much more than the trite “be thankful” or “have an attitude of gratitude”. These are good reminders to keep a thankful outlook yet thanksgiving is so much more.

It is a DOORWAY that actually opens the way for God to show His salvation, for God to amaze us and bring His plans and purposes to pass. It prepares the way for God to come into our lives and our circumstances. WOW!

Father God, today I want to be LED by Your Spirit in a fresh way. Show me Your mercies today as I look for them. Encourage my heart and show me who I can also encourage. And give me a fresh outlook of thanksgiving that I might open that door that prepares the way for Your deliverance in my life. Fill me with rejoicing and thanksgiving for all You are and for Your never-ending love and faithfulness to me. I love You Lord and I look to You to lead me this day. In the name of Jesus I pray,amen.

Questions: What has been leading you this past week? Are you being led astray in your faith by the company you are keeping? Are you being led by a rushing busyness that brings unrest to your heart and mind? Are you being dragged by your emotions?

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As “Dr. Muriel” I have received many letters from teens and twenties who are addicted to cutting or self-harm.

When I started dealing with cutters, I went to the Lord and asked Him why they were doing such an awful thing to themselves. Answer came: “Ask them.” So I began to delve into the pasts of cutters and self-harmers, asking them why and when they had started. Well, a number of them had been raped or sexually abused, and they had found that cutting gave them a certain feeling of relief.

Why has this worked? I wondered. The first thought that came to me was that it was a form of self-punishment. Why would they feel relief in punishing themselves? Because of feelings of guilt that are assuaged when they do it. Why would they feel guilty? Because for some reason they blame or hate themselves.

When Martin Luther was young, he was taught by his church, “Do good works, do penance, humiliate yourself, and you will be saved.” So he often resorted to self-punishment in seeking to find relief from guilt. The relief was short-lived, as cutters have learned. But when Martin finally read in his Bible, “The just shall live by faith” (Romans 1:17), he saw that salvation was a free gift of God, that Jesus had fully paid the penalty for his sins on the cross! Thus he was set free from his bondage. Then he courageously became a preacher of God’s Word, the father of the Reformation and the Lutheran church.

How does all this apply to the addicted, the abused, the suicidal, the depressed, the wounded, and the lost? Well, they too might have feelings of guilt about the past. Also they may harbor anger toward those who have hurt them in various ways even as the cutters may. This in turn makes them feel miserable, depressed, defeated, hopeless.

Why? Well, Jesus said, “If you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:15).4

Unresolved guilt, anger, and grudges separate us from God. And God is the One who can give us peace that passes all understanding no matter what, if we walk with Him. I found that to be true in my own life. Even though I was often abused verbally and physically, the Lord gave me the grace to forgive my abuser again and again. And so I lived in my Lord’s amazing peace and was able to serve Him in many ways. If it worked for me, it will work for you–or a loved one for whom you’re concerned!

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One of the ways that toes get stepped on is when one person has an expectation and the other one completely misses it.  The expectation is that if the other person truly cared they would know what was needed.  The attitude and emotion expressed is usually intense, “You should know, I shouldn’t have to tell you!”

Does that phrase sound familiar?  The reality is that we are not that good at reading each other.  Opening up and sharing your needs and wants is an important part in building a strong relationship, but it is hard to do.  There are a number of reasons for this.

If the explanation of what it is that you need or want is colored by an attitude of frustration, the response will likely be defensive, the partner may withdraw, feel unsafe, and the dance will go badly.

It’s hard to ask for what you want, but necessary

Sometimes we are out of touch with what we need and want, and when we are aware of what it is we don’t want to talk about it.  We object that we shouldn’t have to, they should just know!  However the reality is that their brains are just wired differently, and they can’t read your mind.  Their perceptions may also be fogged by other things going on in their life.

For many people it doesn’t feel safe or okay to have a need.  This may have something to do with the way in which they were raised.  If they weren’t encouraged as children to share what they were feeling or thinking, taking steps to learn to open up may be challenging.

It takes emotional strength to be vulnerable and to share a need. Exposing our soft under belly involves risk taking.  But the risk of not connecting is far worse.  The interesting thing about opening up and sharing a weakness or a need is that when you are being real the other person will be able to connect with you at a deeper level.  When this happens you will feel so much closer.  When you feel the understanding and the compassionate response of the other person you know you are connecting well.

“Why do I love my husband, but don’t want to make love?”

“Why was sex so good before marriage when I shouldn’t have been having it, but now that I can, its lost its sizzle, and I’ve lost desire?”

You’re not alone…

Can you relate to any of the women above? Like them, do you love your husband, want to stay married, but struggle with sex? Do you yearn for physical and emotional closeness with your mate, yet shun their intimate advances? “What happened to our sexual relationship?” you may wonder. If these questions have crossed your mind, you’re not alone.

Many married women genuinely want to feel more desire toward their husbands, and can’t figure out what went wrong. They wish their sexual relationship could be more and are dismayed that it’s not. They want to give themselves without reserve to their husbands, but can’t. I know, because I was one of them.

As a newly married wife I was surprised to find that within a short time, sex had lost its appeal for me. I loved my husband, but avoided sex. And when I couldn’t avoid it, I was a passive participant, rather than an enthusiastic one. I thought there was something wrong with me, yet I couldn’t tell anyone. After all, everyone else seemed to like sex…the women in the media seemed to enjoy it and want it all the time. And my husband liked it a lot…so what was wrong with me?

There’s good news

If you’re wondering the same thing…I have good news! There are many reasons why women may have fluctuating desire for sex in marriage. Children, fatigue, hormones, work, illness, medications, emotions and stress are some of the obstacles to enjoying or desiring sex. I certainly experienced all of those. But then God began to take me on a journey of healing from my past abortion, and my past sexual relationships. Even the sexual relationship I had with my husband before we got married.

I never imagined that my sexual past could have an impact on me today, but God was showing me that it had. And with healing, He set me free. Free from the wounds I’d accumulated, free from the lies I’d ingrained, and free from all my past sexual partners that were keeping me from experiencing true intimacy with my husband. Healing set me free to love my husband, and enjoy being loved in return. I thought it was too good to be true. But since then, as God has given me the opportunity to lead hundreds of women through healing, I’ve watched Him do the same thing in others.

I imagine that you may be wondering how your sexual past could be affecting you today.  I want to share what God has taught me about sexual bonding, and how our past – whether from sexual abuse, or trauma or our own choices – can impact emotional and sexual intimacy in marriage.

Sex and the brain

What does the brain have to do with sex? Everything. The brain is our biggest sex organ. Scientists have discovered that we release chemicals and hormones that create a bond during sexual arousal and release. The chemicals released give us a feeling of pleasure, and make us want to do it over again. In addition, the hormone oxytocin is released which is designed to relationally bond us to our partner.

Oxytocin is an amazing hormone…I call it God’s super-human-glue. Its released three times in a human, when a woman gives birth, when she breastfeeds her baby, and in both men and women when they experience sexual arousal and release. In addition, men release vasopressin which also helps with bonding. When we save sex for marriage, the only person that we bond with will be our spouses. And as our marriage progresses, and we’re having sex over and over, that bond gets stronger, causing our love to deepen and mature. I believe God gives us a glimpse of oxytocin in Genesis 2:24 when He says; “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Other versions use the word cleave for united, which literally means to be glued together.

But what happens when we take sex outside marriage, and bond with other partners? What about in the case of sexual abuse? Preliminary science is showing that if we have past negative sexual relationships, we can inhibit our production and release of oxytocin. In other words, every time we have sex in a relationship and then break up, we release less oxytocin in each subsequent relationship. Then we get married. We hope that marriage is a big giant eraser, wiping all the past away, but instead we bring all our past sexual bonds into marriage with us.  They can keep us from releasing oxytocin and bonding exclusively with our spouses.

How does past bonding impact our desire in marriage? If over time we’re not bonding well enough sexually, we can begin to experience sexual withdrawal. Sex can become less enjoyable, less intimate, and less desirable. Bonding in previous relationships keeps us attached to past partners. This can cause us to compare our current spouse with past partners leaving us dissatisfied or disappointed.  During seasons of struggle in our marriage, we may feel drawn to the past, thinking, “Maybe I should have married someone else…”

To summarize, if we’ve bonded to past sexual partners, we will not bond as well in marriage, and if we’re not bonding well, it can decrease sexual desire and enjoyment in marriage.

The Emotional divide

Human beings are relational. There are five recognized levels of emotional intimacy that we move through as we get to know someone intimately. They have various names, but I call them: lowest, low, moderate, high and highest. With each level we share more of ourselves, placing us at increasing levels of vulnerability. And a greater risk of being hurt or rejected. And that’s why to become truly intimate, not only do we need to progress through the levels slowly, but also at the same pace. Women tend to be more comfortable relating emotionally and therefore can move more quickly through the levels. Men more often (not always, of course) relate in practical terms, with less emotions, and therefore need more time to move through the levels.

Couples who start having sex outside marriage generally are at the moderate level of communication. At this level we’re sharing opinions, beliefs and thoughts. That doesn’t mean we aren’t occasionally sharing feelings, but when experience conflict, we’ll gravitate to our safe zone, or the level where we communicate the most. Once we start having sex, we’re releasing all those chemicals and oxytocin, and now we’re bonding. We feel close, attached, one. At this point, the sex makes us feel closer than we really are. It becomes a false sense of intimacy and our relationship will begin to focus on the physical. Its how we’ll communicate love, and resolve conflict. Outside marriage, wherever sex begins on the levels of intimacy is where our intimacy will get stalled. Because working through conflict is required to move to the higher levels, we’ll avoid greater vulnerability as it may threaten our relationship.

And then we get married.

The sex has made us feel close, but over time the newness of our relationship wears off, and the reality of life settles in. At this point we begin to discover that we don’t know each other as well as we thought we did. We’re not able to communicate our deepest needs, desires or fears. We bring the same communication patterns we had before, into the marriage and continue to avoid conflict in fear of threatening the relationship. Many couples live in this emotional divide long into their marriages. I see this most often once the kids are gone and a couple discovers that they share less in common than they first thought.

For most women, sex is about being emotionally connected. The closer a woman feels emotionally to her partner, the greater desire she’ll have for sex. Women feel emotionally connected through communication. When we’re connected emotionally, we feel heard and loved. This is what stimulates our sexual desire. Men on the other hand feel emotionally connected through sex, and once they’re connected, they’re more open to communication. In other words if you want to get your man to talk, have sex. Men if you want to get your wife to have sex, talk to her.

To summarize; if we’re not connected emotionally it can inhibit our desire and enjoyment of sex.

Shame on you

As I’ve talked with women all over the country I’ve discovered that regardless of how they were sexually wounded, from abuse as a child or young adult, forced into sex as in date rape, or promiscuous by choice, they all carry emotional damage. Shame, self-blame, regret, pain, brokenness, unworthiness, despair, and distrust are some of the baggage women carry into their future. Emotional pain accumulates with each relationship. Although we’d like to believe that we leave it behind as we move on to the next partner, without healing it gets buried deep until it resurfaces in the next relationship.

These emotions can inhibit sexual desire in marriage. How? Because now in marriage when we have sex, it triggers the shame we experienced in the past. Remember that the brain is our biggest sex organ. As the shame, pain, thoughts and memories flood our mind, it robs us of our desire for sex. We’ll begin to withdraw, pull back emotionally and physically. Whether from sexual abuse, trauma or our own choices, the shame we felt in past situations will revisit when we begin to feel the same arousal in the present. The negative associations we had with sex in the past situation will resurface in the present. We may feel unworthy, dirty, shameful. Details of past abuse or promiscuous choices become vivid realities, stealing our moment of desire.

In summary: the negative emotions we experienced in past sexual relationships will be triggered in the present and will extinguish our desire for sex.

God can Heal

The good news is God can heal your past and restore your desire for your husband, and for sex. Yes, its true! Not only has He done it for me, but He’s healed countless others as they’ve trusted God with this area of their lives.

God can break the bonds you’ve created in your past relationships, heal the wounds you’ve accumulated, replace the lies you’ve ingrained with His truth, and help re-bond you to your husband, increasing your desire and enjoyment of sex.  Even chemically, preliminary science is beginning to show that with healing, our brains heal too. As we heal, we’re able to release oxytocin again. I’ve watched this happen in women. As past wounds heal, their emotional walls come down. Gradually you see them feeling more love for their husbands, and being able to receive love. With healing we no longer trigger negative associations with sex from the past, and our desire for sex improves.

Below are some of the steps of healing that I’ve experienced and led others through. If you’ve experienced sexual abuse or sexual trauma as in rape, you may also need to enlist professional help with a licensed counselor.

The Steps to Healing:

1. Acknowledge what’s happened and surrender it to God.  Write out your story using the life map exercise in Kiss Me Again.
2. Break the silence…tell someone. A counselor, trusted friend, your husband.
3. Grieve your losses and wounds. Let God show you what and how you need to grieve and the wounds He wants to heal.
4. Break past bonds.  Write out your sexual history list. Ask God to show you everyone you’ve created a bond with. Write the names, or details of the event down. Ask God to show you how each one of these situations and/or people hurt you, and damaged your view of yourself, others, God, men and sex.
5. Pray this prayer with each person/situation on your list asking God to sever the bond you’ve created with them.

Lord, I ask forgiveness for sinning against you and against my own body. In the name of Jesus, I sever and renounce the bonds I created with _____. I release my heart tie with this person physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I choose by faith to forgive _______ for their violation against me. Please forgive me of my violation against _______. Please remove the negative emotional baggage I’ve been carrying around with me. Restore to me a virgin heart—as though I’d never been with this person, and heal me completely of the damage this sin has caused me and my marriage. Thank you for your forgiveness. I accept it fully.[i] Amen.
The pain that heals

Its hard work, I know. But I promise you, its worth it. You’ll go through some pain as you bring up the past, but its what psychologists call ‘good pain’. Good pain allows us to heal. Good pain is allowing God to expose what’s hurt us in our pasts, and surrendering it to Him so He can heal us.

He’s done it for me and countless others. He can and will do the same for you. He’s just waiting for one thing…He’s waiting for you to ask.

Is it possible for God to remove that thick blanket of difficult emotions we sometimes find ourselves suffocating under? In the midst of troubling times, is there a way we can survive without being controlled by anxiety, anger or hopelessness? We are all susceptible to times of ugly emotions but God wants us to discover His ways that enable us to resist and become free from these destructive tendencies. Take this study to learn and understand powerful ways to overcome difficult emotions.

As advertising flash images of beauty, joy and delight, the stark reality of our culture is that women are being abused and are crying out for help. The horrible secret of abuse is sweeping it’s destruction in homes across the world. If you are a victim caught in this tragedy or know of someone who is, please take this study to discover tools to deal with this.