Facebook has dominated our world!

If you’ve been on the sidelines waiting for “the fad” to fade or have been dabbling with social media and waiting for the frenzy to die down, it is not going away anytime soon.  Facebook has cemented itself so much into our culture and way of life that it’s here to stay. In this season of new commitments and hopeful promises, here’s a bit of New Year’s advice: get on the social media train!

To help you get more out of social media (and for social media to get more out of you), here are 11 resolutions for you to consider as we kick off a new year:

1. Join the party – If you’ve been a social media spectator until now, start participating. Connect with people you know on Facebook, network with people in your field of business with LinkedIn, or exchange information with people you may or may not know on Twitter. You could also find some other social network to join so that the multi-dimensional, real-time interactions become a part of you and you become a part of it. The party is waiting for you to arrive!

2. Engage more – There are a lot of different names for them: virtual voyeurs, online lurkers, or Facebook gawkers. While they’ve joined a social network, these people just read what others are posting, and keep to themselves. That’s like going to a party, sitting in the corner and watching people have a good time, listening into their conversations, and ignoring anyone trying to talk to you. If this describes you, then this social media resolution is all about you! There’s a reason social media is called SOCIAL…people engage with each other.  Go ahead and give it a try!

3. Watch the clock – Social media can be really addictive. Especially when you’re starting out. For some, reality and virtual reality get so intertwined that they can’t seem to separate the two. For others, their online connections take precedence over their real-time relationships. If you spend more than two hours a day on social media sites, set a timer for a certain amount of time (15-60 minutes) and once the alarm goes off, log off until the next day. Watching the clock with social media will give you time to pay attention to the more important things of life, like your kids, your spouse and your health.

4. Be interesting – There is a reason people connect with you through social media: they want to get to know you better. Stop hiding behind other people’s quotes or passing on something someone else has posted.  Speak for yourself!  Don’t stress out if nobody responds to your post.  Find your voice and let it be heard (or read) and you’ll be surprised how much more fulfilling social media can be.

5. Branch out – Most people embarked on the online network journey with Facebook. If you feel like you’ve got a good grasp on your Facebook friends, try making connections on LinkedIn, or follow and be followed on Twitter. So many of these sites are interconnected, making it easy to jump from one social network to another, yet each site offers something unique, different and worthwhile. Get adventurous and go explore another social media site – you might be surprised by what you discover!

6. Set up guard rails – There is a line between doing the right thing and wrong thing with social media. The challenge is that there’s no map pointing out where that line is. There’s no set of written rules or a list of proper social media etiquette. Unfortunately, people usually discover the line by crossing it. Be proactive. Set up your own set of boundaries (e.g. rules and etiquette) to protect yourself, your marriage and your family. Guard rails prevent problems from happening, and keep issues from getting out of hand if a problem does arise.

7. Have “the talk”- If you’re in a relationship and involved with social media, then a conversation about how social media impacts your relationship is inevitable. The question is: will the discussion occur before or after a relationship-related issue erupts? By setting up some mutual guard rails, agreed upon time limits and other social media house rules, couples and families can avoid a lot of headache, heartache and hassle. This is not the type of discussion you can text, IM, email, or video chat. You need to get face-to-face and TALK.

8. Go mobile – All the experts predict that in the near future, more people will shift a bulk of their internet and social media experience to a smartphone. Millions of people already access social media sites from their mobile phone. And millions more will make the leap to greater mobility. Why not you? It’s the way of the future for the internet, social media and gaming.  Give it a try!

9. Avoid the drama – We all have them – high-maintenance Facebook friends. They post status updates intended to create a reaction. They comment on updates that spark drama. They have something to say about everything, and nothing is off limits. You cringe when you see their profile picture. This is the year to move beyond “Hide” and discover how to unfriend or block your if-it-were-TV-they’d-be-a-featured-guest-on-Jerry-Springer friend.

10. Show P.D.A. the right way – People post updates as a substitute for a thank you card or to publicly show appreciation to someone. The problem is, their attempt to bring a virtual ego-boost to the person fails miserably and the person never sees the written praises. Make this the year of learning how to correctly hotlink people on Facebook. Just typing their name does not ensure they see it. Add the “@” sign in front of their name and they will see your special display of affection.

11. Give credit where credit is due – Plagiarism is rampant within social media. Cite the source when you’re sharing info, videos, pictures, or links. When using someone else’s update as your own, at least give them credit.  A simple citation of who you got whatever you’re sharing from is the right thing to do.

Play your part in social media and let it play its part in your life!

Take the next step:

Facebook for couples: 8 Things to do today
 Learn to speak your spouse’s love language
What’s your communication style?

If you’ve been married for more than a couple of days you’ve probably already figured out that communication in marriage is really important.  Being intentional about the way you communicate with your spouse sets a firm foundation for a solid relationship. The same rules apply when it comes to using Facebook once you’re married.  Facebook is all about communication and both what you communicate on Facebook and how you say it will have an effect on your relationship.  Here are eight ways to make your Facebook conversations something that builds your marriage up.

1. Set your relationship status to married and keep it that way. Facebook’s version of the wedding band, your relationship status makes all the difference in how people interact with you. If you do happen to go through some marital troubles, don’t change to “it’s complicated” because you’ll only make things even more complicated…in a bad way.

2. Share your username and password with one another. Transparency is crucial to ensure trust in a committed relationship.  Exchanging login information provides accountability and emotional security for both of you.

3. Create boundaries to protect yourself, your spouse and your marriage. Spend some time talking about what’s in bounds and out of bounds and as a couple.  A little bit of agreement on what is and is not acceptable can save a lot of pain and disagreement later.

A great boundary to start with is to agree not to have private chats with members of the opposite sex.  Emotional affairs have three main ingredients: secrecy, chemistry and intimacy.  Chatting provides a perfect environment for the three ingredients to mix together and create a situation that supposedly “just happened”.  Avoid the drama and turn off the Chat feature altogether.

4. Be prepared to talk offline about online issues. What happens on Facebook doesn’t stay on Facebook.  Facebook can and will trigger issues and conversations between you and your spouse. Deal with hurt feelings or concerns in the privacy of your own home. If handling conflict is difficult for you and your spouse, attend a Marriage Education class to acquire a shared set of communication/conflict resolution skills.

5. Update each other on your Facebook friends and friend requests. Many of your Facebook friends have a story attached to them.  Don’t assume your spouse knows how you know them; spend time sharing their story with your mate.  Don’t friend exes, old flames, past flings, former crushes or anyone you’ve been intimate with in the past. What starts as an innocent, “I wonder whatever happened to so-and-so” can lead to “I never meant for this to happen.”

6. Pay attention to how much time you spend on Facebook. Everyone needs a little down time to unwind each day.  Facebook can be a great way to wind down. On average, users spend 12-15 minutes a day on Facebook. That seems like a healthy dose of daily Facebook intake. If time on the online social community infringes on your marriage relationship, make changes to reprioritize your time.  Set a timer for 15 minutes and then log off Facebook and turn off the computer.

7. Make your spouse the topic of your status updates at least once a week. Using Facebook to affirm and build up your spouse creates a deeper bond between the two of you, and a higher fence around the two of you.  (Just be careful not to overdo and become an annoying couple.)  Speak well of your spouse. Think about how your comments will be read by others (think about your mother-in-law, your boss, your pastor) before pushing the share/comment button.

8. Remember that Facebook is a public place.  Never report that you or your spouse is out of town. What you may think is a harmless status update is an announcement to the bad guys that your home, possessions and family are vulnerable and a prime target for bad things to happen.

Take the next step:

Learn the 5 levels of communication
Facebook guidelines for parents
Do you speak your spouse’s love language? (online lesson)

We get it, you’re tying the knot!

Want some unsolicited marriage advice you won’t find anywhere else?  The social media age we live in is revolutionizing how we do relationships, including that transition point between single-hood and marriage.  Having experienced and studied how social media affects marriages and relationships (we even wrote a book about it), we’ve come up with six Facebooking do’s and don’ts for engaged couples.

1. Do dump some friends – The conversation about past exes being Facebook friends is a discussion couples will have before or after the “I do’s”.  It is just a matter of time and circumstances. Our advice is built upon millions of heartbreaking stories about forsaken spouses and regretful husbands and wives who strayed. Unfriend or block any Facebook friends who could possibly be a threat to your future marriage. This includes ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends, everyone you have ever hooked up with, anyone you wished you had hooked up with, and anybody you’ve had an unshakeable crush on.  If a Facebook friend has even a remote change of being risk to your marriage, it’s not an online association worth keeping.

2.  Do clean up your profile – Look at your engagement ring. Now look at your wall. Look at your ring. Now look at the pages and groups you’ve joined. You will soon become someone’s spouse, merging your family tree with someone else’s family tree, and inheriting (for better or worse) a whole family of in-laws. While it’s YOUR Profile, it is public to ANYONE and EVERYONE in your new family to access, read and form opinions about you.  Avoid some unnecessary family (in-law) drama.  Review your profile in light of this major life transition you’re making. Make sure your Facebook profile reflects who you are becoming rather than who you have been.

3. Do purge your pictures – A picture may be worth a thousand words, but some pictures posted on Facebook may end up taking ten thousand words to try to explain away.  Be proactive.  Go through your Facebook albums and remove or untag yourself from photos that your future spouse, future in-laws or future kids won’t like. The types of pics we’re talking about are photos with old boyfriends/girlfriends, incriminating partying pictures, old wedding photos from a prior marriage or any shameful moments captured digitally.  Marriage changes things.  And that may mean removing visual remembrances of your past for the sake of your future.

4. Don’t forget that your profile is still about you – Your new hobby in preparing for “We”-ness may be all-consuming to you and your fiancé, but your Facebook friends still want to know about YOU. Posts about what the two of you are doing are fine from time-to-time, but your status updates and comments should be from YOU, not US.  If you end up creating a new Profile as a couple, then using the plural pronouns of “we,” “us,” or “our” are appropriate.  Until then, remember to keep using “me” and “I” in your status updates.

5. Don’t overdo it with wedding planning details – One of the biggest complaints made by friends and family members about soon-to-be-brides is that they get annoyed by all the wedding talk. This was even before the advent of Facebook.  Just because you can post every exciting and mundane detail of your wedding planning experience through a 24/7/365 social network, doesn’t mean you should.  Otherwise, even the groom-to-be may be tempted to hit the hide button on your updates.

6. Don’t forget who sees your posts – Planning and coordinating all the details surrounding your wedding day is an emotionally-draining, physically-demanding, financially-stressful, relationship-straining experience.  Add to that the spoken and unspoken expectations of not one, but two (or more) sets of parents… and you will have numerous situations where you are ready to explode! It’s  tempting to rant in a status update to receive emotional comfort and forced sympathy from your Facebook friends. DON’T! More than likely, the sources of your frustration (including your fiancé, parents, future in-laws, both sides of the wedding party, the ring bearer’s mom, the flower girl’s dad, and wedding guests) will read it and someone will likely react.  All of a sudden, you are starring in your own episode of Bridezilla. Find a confidant you can call or visit for a face-time rant session that leaves no digital evidence of your tirades.

So, that’s our advice.  Take it or leave it. Like it or unlike it. Share it or hide it.

When you do end up changing your relationship status to “married,” be sure to pick up a copy of Facebook and Your Marriage so you never have to change your relationship status again.  We’ve discovered that there’s a lot more opportunities for Facebook drama after you say “I do”.  And we have some advice on that topic too.

Silence. The two of us looked at each other waiting for the other one to speak first. More silence gave into that weird moment when no one has said anything for an uncomfortably long period of time.

A hundred stories were rushing through our minds and another thousand we’ve witnessed with teens and parents on Facebook. We’ve heard (and seen) it all! A single status update bringing shame to the family name before hundreds, if not thousands of people. A simple online comment causing real-time embarrassment and tension between family members. One quick, thoughtless Wall post erecting huge emotional walls in the parent-child relationship.

When we were writing Facebook and Your Marriage, parents of Facebooking teens were practically begging us to write a book on this topic. And now we know why. With whole families now participating in the same online social community, too much is at stake to just throw the kids on Facebook and hope for the best.  Good parenting is part trust, part rule maker, and part rule enforcer.  As parents, not only do we need to figure out what rules need to be made between the child and parent, but between the siblings as well. And then figure out what the potential consequences are.

After what seemed like an eternity, silence was broken. We looked into those hope-filled eyes and said, “We need to talk about it.” While this was no more than pushing pause on the conversation, we had bought ourselves enough time to discuss all the possible scenarios of having mom, dad, daughter/sister, and son/brother on Facebook.

What happens on Facebook can and will find itself being a major story plot in the family drama at home. And if that isn’t bad enough, your kid’s Facebook can and will likely be checked by prospective colleges and employers too. This is why it is imperative for parents and kids to talk about some common ground rules while participating in the new favorite (online) pastime called Facebook.

So we came up with some ground rules for our kids. But ground rules for Facebooking families are not just a one-way street. We discovered there was a need for parents to agree to some ground rules too. What happens if the kids break any of the ground rules? Let’s just say their Facebook friends won’t be seeing their little green dot for awhile.

To save ourselves a lot of headaches and to avoid Facebook-related conversations that include excuses like, “I didn’t know,” “I forgot,” and “You never said that,” we put the ground rules in writing. Having the parents and kids sign a Facebook Rules Agreement spells out the expectations, and the ground rules everyone will follow.

Facebook ground rules for parents:

1. Be active on Facebook - You may not want to be, but for your kids’ sake, you need to be on Facebook. In fact, it is the best way to see what they’re into, who their friends are and what they’re really like when you’re not around. Believe us, kids “forget” that others can see what they post. We know some of our friends’ kids better than their parents because we see what they’re Facebooking about…and the parents would be shocked!
2. Don’t parent kids on Facebook - You have the home court advantage to know what your teen should and should not be doing. Any real-time issues like chores, homework, grades, work, home-life problems need to be dealt with face-to-face rather than on Facebook. If they say or do something on Facebook that brings out the parent in you, remember to “talk, don’t type.”
3. Give kids their space - There are whole websites devoted to the embarrassing posts and comments parents leave on their kids’ Facebook. Don’t humiliate your teen by posting baby pictures or updates that give their real-life and online friends plenty of teasing ammunition. It’s OK to engage with your kid from time-to-time on Facebook, but ultimately, your kids are not on it to spend more time with you.
4. Set a Facebook curfew - Kids need boundaries, especially when there is a 24/7/365 party going on on Facebook. With Facebook access on computers, phones and play systems, it is way too easy for teenagers to lose sight of the amount of real time they’re spending in the online community. Set a time limit for their combined time on Facebook each day. Set a curfew for when their Facebook time starts and ends. And be sure to explain when it is not acceptable to be on Facebook (e.g. during meals, church, school, etc).
5. Spot check their Wall, Friends, Likes and Inbox - As their parent, you need to know who your kid is interacting with, what pages and games they’re associated with, and what they’re doing on Facebook. Some of this you can do as a Facebook friend, but periodically, you’ll want to log on to their profile, scroll through their news feed and check the messages in their inbox.  When you’re in their account, don’t post anything, erase anything, or pose like you’re them. If possible, do it with them in the room. That way if the chat box comes up, they can quickly deal with the real-time interruption. Spot checking their account adds a layer of accountability and gives you another vantage point into their world.
6. Parents have the final say - Things on Facebook aren’t always what they seem. A simple “Like” of a funny statement can give outsiders full access to your child’s Facebook account. A Facebook page for a popular show can put your kid just one click away from some pretty raunchy stuff. All that to say, parents need to be proactive and if you say a Friend needs to be blocked, a page unliked, or a password changed…then so be it. Tell them your reasoning and make them take the action step. Sometimes parenting is about doing what’s right rather than what’s popular with your teenager.
7. Talk offline about online experiences - Make a point of bringing up Facebook-related topics with your kid. Whether it’s a new feature or layout change by Facebook, or about a shared Facebook friend’s recent update, or how they’re advancing in a Facebook game…the more you talk offline about what is happening online, the better the chances are that they’ll turn to you when something happens online that made them uncomfortable or feel threatened. If it’s natural for parents and kids to talk face-to-face about Facebook, it makes it that much easier when they might really need your help with something that’s happening with someone on Facebook.

Facebook ground rules for kids:

1. Parents must have the password - The password is the key to unlock the door for full access into your child’s Facebook profile. It must be shared with the parents. And only with the parents! This is essential for accountability and building trust in the relationship as it allows parents to spot check the news feed and inbox from time to time. If the password must be changed (and we recommend changing it every 60-90 days for security reasons), parents must know what it is immediately. To us, this is a non-negotiable for kids being on Facebook.
2. Parents must be full access friends - Facebook has created a number of ways to help Facebookers protect themselves such as setting up friend lists, limiting what certain people can access and hiding certain parts of their profile from view. But when it comes to parents and their kids, not only must the parents and kids be Facebook friends, but the parents must be able to view as much as possible – pictures, videos, posts, updates, tags, everything. This creates a check-and-balance and keeps the surprises to a minimum.
3. Kids are fully responsible for their Facebook - While kids can’t be responsible for the dumb things their Facebook friends post on their wall and news feed, your kids must be responsible for anything posted from their own profile. If they leave a public place and kept their Facebook logged on and somebody posts something acting like your kid (regardless if it’s inappropriate or not), your kid is responsible for it. If they allow a friend to use their Facebook profile to send messages out to people, your kid is responsible for it. Once something is posted, it can never be permanently removed. Hopefully this helps them think twice (or a third or fourth time) about allowing someone else to borrow their identity for a little while.
4. Watch what is said because others are watching - What your kid posts is seen by everyone they’re friends with: family, coaches, youth leaders, teachers, family friends, neighbors and more. And if commented on by a Facebook friend, all their friends may see that too. So watch what is said: no swearing, no threats, and no innuendos. And watch who is talked about: no complaining about parents, no putting down siblings, no publicizing family spats. A good rule of thumb when posting anything is to ask, “What would happen if what I’m posting was posted on the Google home page for everyone to see?”
5. Friend real people that are really known - Facebook is about connecting and reconnecting with people who are part of one’s past or present reality. There is no contest or award for “who can get the most Facebook friends.”  Avoid friending people just because others have friended them. Also, don’t friend strangers. And don’t raid the parents’ friends either. The key question to ask when friending or considering a friend request is, “do I really trust this person to see the updates, the pictures and the information I post and not do something bad with them?”
6. Keep personal information private -Kids are an open book and much more naïve about the world. There are real bad people in the world. Some bad people are using Facebook for bad purposes. Said bad people are hacking Facebook accounts to gain access to  people’s private information and that of their Facebook friends. So, to be as safe as possible, don’t post personal information on Facebook (physical address, full birth date, place of employment, etc). Also, avoid updates such as, “Parents are gone. I’m home alone and bored,” or “Our family is gone on vacation for three weeks!” These kinds of updates can invite bad people to do bad things to a family member or the family’s home.
7. If in doubt, ask the parents - Participating in an online social network opens up all kinds of new situations and scenarios for people to deal with. And sometimes the answer isn’t quite so clear. In some cases, the “right” solution can feel awkward or put you in a difficult place. What we have come to discover is that adults don’t always know how to deal with Facebook-related issues, how then can we expect our teenage kids to deal with them and do it correctly? Kids need a safe place to turn if a Facebook Friend is crossing a line, if an uncomfortable situation arises, or if they don’t know how to respond to a distressing message. That safe place should be their parents.

Related:
Print and sign copy of a Facebook Family Agreement for your family
More ways to protect your kids online

Who should go? Anyone who could possibly be a threat to the future of your new relationship including, ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends, everyone you have ever hooked up with in the past, anyone you have had an emotional attachment with, and anybody you have had a crush on.  Seem a little extreme? Here are just two of the hundreds of stories we have heard from real people who have found themselves on the other side of a broken marriage due to their spouse’s questionable choice of Facebook friends.

“My husband and I have been married for 36 years. One year ago he was contacted by an old friend and neighbor on Facebook. They became “friends” and started chatting… I soon became concerned at the time my husband spent chatting to her, supposedly about “old times”…She was in a unhappy marriage and enjoyed his flattery and sweet talk. ..To cut a long story short we separated as a result. .. I discovered that she had flown out…and they had spent a three week holiday together. They had also got engaged and planned to get married. Well things went downhill from there and he moved out once again…(W)e are busy with divorce proceedings. My heart is broken and at the moment I hate Facebook.”

*****

“My wife joined Facebook and was spending an incredible amount of time reconnecting with old friends…(t)hen, she found one of her high school sweethearts from 22 years ago. And yes, they were soon involved in an emotional affair…(S)he informed me that she wanted out of the marriage because she was involved with someone else. I soon discovered who he was and that it started with FB. She moved out and our divorce was final 3 weeks ago today.

She walked away from her husband, her children, and her home for this guy. Only to find that after all of his sweet talking and promises, he was not going to leave his wife and kids as they had originally planned…So, here she is…no husband, children that don’t want to see her, no home…and no FB boyfriend (yet). She’s lost her good girl reputation not only with my family and friends, but with her own family and friends as well. 18 years together. 13 years married. It just feels as if it was all for nothing.”

These stories show the power (and real threat) of the “ex.” If the memories of a lost love, the reawakened emotions from a former bond, and the rekindling of feelings from walking down memory lane can bring down a marriage that is more than three decades in the making, how much more vulnerable is a relationship that is just starting out?

Our advice: if a Facebook friend doesn’t help move your marriage forward, it’s not a relationship worth keeping.

As you enjoy the comments and celebration over your newfound Relationship Status, peruse your Friends and ask yourself, is this person a potential threat to my marriage? If the answer is no, one quick click of the button can take care of it.

Is Facebook, the world’s fastest growing online social network, just another in a long list of cyber threats to your marriage?

Having been active Facebook users for awhile and experiencing the good, the bad, and the ugly of participating in an online social network, we recognize there are potential threats to your relationship.  But the ultimate threat is not the latest technology … it is the choices you make online and offline … online and real life.

Being raised during the divorce culture, we’ve witnessed too many marriages break apart due to infidelity.  Spouses that seemed to have a strong and healthy marriage gave in to the ultimate temptation.

Before meeting Kelli, I (Jason) was given the book Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It, and I read it with great sobriety and humility.  The opening sentence of the first chapter gripped my heart and mind, “sexual immorality hits frighteningly close to home. Without being aware of the need to protect ourselves against it, we are vulnerable.”

At age 11, my home was devastated by sexual immorality when my dad had an affair, eventually breaking our family apart.   Committed not to follow in his footsteps, I devoured the rest of the book and at age 21, established my own set of hedges, setting boundaries in my relationships to protect my future marriage.

When Kelli and I met, fell in love, and made the decision to marry, we also chose to do everything in our power to protect our marriage. Marital boundary books such as Hedges are great books that share practical ways to set up safeguards for your marriage with the other relationships in your life.

Establishing personal boundaries is a part of everyday life with friends, co-workers, clients, and extended family members.  Setting up boundaries around the marriage relationship is a key step to proactively protecting yourself, your spouse, your marriage, your kids, and your reputation.

One of the boundaries we set up as a perimeter around our relationship is that neither of us will be alone with someone of the opposite sex.  Not because we are worried about the other cheating, but to avoid the appearance of impropriety or being caught in a potential he said/she said situation.  We’ve heard too many stories of how an accusation (some true, some false) has tarnished a reputation or ended a career.  Being active Facebookers, we have adopted our real life set of boundaries for our online world with Facebook friends (FB friends).

Five ways to diffuse online threats to your marriage

1. Set safeguards with your mate – Discuss with your mate: What FB friends and groups are inbounds or out-of-bounds?  How much information about yourself and family is too much information?  Are either of you uncomfortable with potential FB friends? Are any communication methods off limits?

We keep our correspondences with people of the opposite sex public by posting on their “walls,” or limited to commenting on status updates.  We also keep each other informed of Facebook emails from people, and avoid chatting with people of the opposite sex. Whatever your safeguards, be sure that both you and your spouse are on the same page when it comes to what is or is not acceptable for each other on Facebook.  A little bit of prevention can go a long way in safeguarding your relationship.

2. Don’t post negative things about your spouse – A lot of banter, complaining, and sharing occur when people post their status updates. It is common for FB friends to whine about the weather, joke about a frustrating work issue or report on something new in their life.  But it is always uncomfortable when someone complains about their spouse or kids.  While it may not seem like a big deal to the one posting, the majority of the readers don’t have enough context or information to know if something is a simple tease or an exasperated gripe.

Avoid giving too much information about the annoying things your spouse is or is not doing, and be sure not to embarrass them in your status update, or through posting pictures or videos.  Don’t get back at your spouse for something through a public comment. Typing is not the same as talking so don’t use the keyboard in an attempt to resolve an issue, talk it through in private!

3. Choose your friends wisely – When first getting started on Facebook, finding FB friends and accepting FB friend requests can be very exciting because you’re reconnecting with people from your past.  Ultimately, it is your decision to accept them into your social network.  They can be family members, friends, neighbors, co-workers, associates, long-lost friends or past flames.  Once FB friends are accepted, they see and view everything you post publicly and vice-versa.  One question to ask when requesting or accepting a FB friend is, “would my spouse be comfortable with me being ‘friends’ with this person?” Listen to your heart, and if you’re still not sure, ask your spouse.

4. Play it smart with who you confide in online – A common pattern arises when reading a variety of news stories on internet affairs.  A spouse starts chatting with someone of the opposite sex about their relationship woes.  Over time, the live chats turn to emails that turn to phone calls that turn to face-to-face meetings that turn to… you get the picture.  And when the adulterous relationship becomes public knowledge, the confiding spouse proclaims, “I never meant for this to happen!”  Learn from other people’s mistakes.  Avoid discussing your relationship difficulties with people of the opposite sex, and be careful of developing too close of a confidant online.

In the book, Not “Just” Friends, infidelity expert Shirley Glass writes that building too close of a relationship with someone online enters the danger zone “because it meets all three criteria that discriminate between a platonic friendship and an emotional affair: emotional intimacy…secrecy…(and) sexual chemistry…sexual contact is not a requirement for betrayal.”

The best way to avoid going down the slippery slope is to avoid climbing the hillside in the first place.

5. If in doubt, remove a friend – Because you can’t judge a person by their profile picture, you may have regrets of becoming FB friends with someone.  Their posts might be offensive or uncomfortable to you.  Or it may be that you have a FB friend who sparks feelings in you and you find yourself looking at their profile often or looking for their next post. You may be chatting with them or online flirting with them.  Or your spouse may be uncomfortable with your being friends with a past love interest.  Defriend the threat! Go to their profile page and in the bottom left column is a link to remove them as a friend (and they don’t get a notice that they are no longer your friend). Any relationship with someone else that jeopardizes your marriage is not a relationship worth keeping.

It is unfortunate that marriages have been broken apart due to a spouse’s inappropriate activities on Facebook.

If you or your spouse have crossed the line emotionally or physically with someone else, books such as Not “Just” Friends, Marriage on the Mend: Tangible Tools to Restore Your Relationship, Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity, Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage, and Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair can help you take steps to repair this serious breach.

While Facebook is becoming one of the most popular gathering places on the internet, it doesn’t have to be a threat to your marriage. Marriages are vulnerable to all kinds of online and real-life threats because the couples have failed to set up proper boundaries of protection and accountability.

And while nothing is completely foolproof, these principles are practical tips to help you protect your most important and cherished relationship.  Ultimately, it is up to you to make good decisions and wise choices and to have open lines of communication with your mate … whether you’re online or not.

Do you have questions about your own relationship? Talk to a mentor today.

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Apparently it took God until the 21^st Century to release an updated version of the seventh commandment. 

Is banning Facebook a pastor’s best defense to the emerging trend of Facebook-related marriage problems? We totally understand how frustrated Rev. Miller must be with seeing a similar scenario and set of choices play out again and again.  Many counselors and pastors have told us that they too are experiencing a surge in counseling loads due to online activities. (Could this have something to do with the drastic increase in half a billion people joining Facebook in the last few years?)

Banning people from Facebook seems to be more of a knee-jerk reaction than a long-term solution. Here are five alternative ways pastors and churches can help couples survive and thrive on Facebook.

1) Teach couples how to protect their marriages online – For most people over the age of 30, Facebook is their first online social community experience. Many are innocently and ignorantly learning Facebook on the go. Tell married Facebookers what the potential marriage threats are. Add links to your church’s website, share links through the newsletter, hand out copies of the article at a service.  Whatever you do, do something that helps couples take proactive steps to protect their marriage.

2) Preach on healthy boundaries – This is a relevant topic for every one regardless of age and it’s helpful for both their online and real time relationships.  Our church recently did a sermon series on “Guard Rails” and two of the sermons focused on social media. The problems arising from people’s Facebook experiences are mostly due three things:

• not balancing technology and relationships;
•  not setting boundaries;
• not using common sense when online.

Equip your congregation to set and live by healthy boundaries for all of their relationships – whether they’re on Facebook or face-to-face.

3) Teach adults and teens how to use Facebook safely – There are many ways bad things can happen on Facebook: stolen passwords, identity theft, cyber-bullying, emotional affairs, exposure to pornography, and more. But there are so many great things that can happen on Facebook when people are aware of safeguards and learn to make smart choices. Raise awareness on personal safety, privacy issues, and common sense choices for the Facebookers who call your church home and you’ll see the counseling load for Facebook-related issues radically drop.

4) Create social media guidelines for the congregation – The military has done it. Corporations and companies are doing it too. Everyone recognizes that social media is not going away, so rather than ignoring it, denying it or fighting it, they’re figuring out how to co-exist with it. Creating a set of social media guidelines or principles for your congregation’s members makes a lot of sense. Get the leadership together and brainstorm some ideas on how to set your flock up for success when they’re online.  People are empowered to live a blessed life when they’re taught what they can do rather than just being told what they can’t.

5) Help marriages overcome infidelity and betrayal – People do make poor choices and bad things do happen to good people. Pastors need to be prepared to handle emotional and physical affairs. The path to recovery is slow and long, but doable. If this is beyond your abilities, outsource these couples to professionals and ministries who are gifted to walk these fragile couples through “the valley of the shadow of death.” By helping those who have crossed the line of infidelity and betrayal, these fractured and hurting couples can have a resurrection-like story in their relationship, marriage and family.

Rev. Miller says the anti-Facebook mandate is his attempt to “save marriages and families.” But what about other social networks like Twitter? Looking at the surging numbers of people joining online social communities, there’s no sign of these sites going away anytime soon.

Pastors who empower people how to survive and thrive with social media will actually save more marriages and families in the long run. The more church members know how to safely use online communities, the less likely they are to make the mistakes and bad choices that destroy marriages and break families apart. We’re pretty sure that is something God would “Like,” don’t you?

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