“I’m praying not only for them but also for those who will believe in me because of them and their witness about me. The goal is for all of them to become one heart and mind—just as you, Father, are in me and I in you, so they might be one heart and mind with us. Then the world might believe that you, in fact, sent me”. (John 17:20-21, The Message)

It was a simple conversation in a crowded room with a man from another country. We had met only once before, almost a year earlier. I knew a few details of his Christian experience; he knew none of mine. As we stood surrounded by people, he prefaced his remarks with one word: Sister.

In his culture it is common and comfortable to address a Christian with the term “brother” or “sister.” It also happens in some other cultures when Christians gather. But to me that evening, the word took on the brilliance of neon. I am his sister. He is my brother. We are connected to each other and to the Father. The family tie is unbreakable.

This powerful connective moment has happened before in my life and always with a person from another culture. It is as though God wants to strike me with the importance of plural pronouns in His Kingdom. “Don’t you (all) know that you (all) are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in the midst of you (all)?” (1 Corinthians 3:16)

While we are individually accountable to respond to God’s invitations, once we are in the family, we are one unit.  Jesus’ prayer for us just before His arrest in the Garden of Gethsemane almost aches with His desire that we relate as brothers and sisters, that we work out in daily experience what Christ accomplished in reality. The Apostle Paul put it plainly: “There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:28)

When Jesus’ disciples asked for a lesson on prayer, it is significant that Jesus began with “OUR Father…” “Our” is a personal pronoun that packs a Kingdom punch.

Question: Do you feel like you are part of God’s family? If you don’t, ask the Lord to guide you to good church, small group or new friends.

What do you pray for your kids? Beth Scholes has some excellent prayers from a parent’s heart.

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things.” (Philippians 4:4-8)

There’s a picture on my windowsill of my three children, smiling back at the camera. Taken years ago, they’re so little in this picture.  Our daughter looks so much like me. God has made an extension, a likeness of myself. She is her own person and she lets us know it. She was created for her time, for such a time as this. However, she bears my image.

In that family image captured three years earlier I see our happiness and the closeness that we share, a closeness that is still growing today. I pray our children will have been blessed with an upbringing that will undergird their lives for the purposes the Lord has for them. May their childhoods adorn the testimony of their lives for the glory of the Lord.

We have a quiver of children. What are we aiming them at for the trajectory of their lives? What path are we setting for them in childhood? When we let the arrow go and they move out of our home, which target will they fly toward?

The child, unlike the arrow, has a mind of its own. That thought could make me anxious. So I bring this as well to the Lord in prayer.

Lord, I praise you for your never ending, never forsaking, always hoping, love for us. Thank you for the blessings you have bestowed on my family. Thank you for our love. Have your way in our family. Help us to serve you as you desire. Remove anything from our lives, from our relationships, that would be contrary to your will. May we be found at the end of our short time on earth faithful to you, and having fulfilled your purpose for our lives. I pray that in all things, we will display your image. May you be glorified. In the strong name of Jesus Christ I pray.

 Question: How can you help direct a child to Jesus in your life?

Are the people in your house about to embark on another set of New Year’s resolutions?

1. Commit. You might take a step or two in the right direction, but until you are committed, chances are you might turn back. Don’t forget that in order for Providence to move, you have to make that leap of faith first.

2. Get the facts. Gather information. Study. Try to know as much as possible – and more – about your mission.

3. Start doing it in some way or form. Goethe said: “Whatever you can do, or dream you can…begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.” Where you are right now is a good place to start. Mother Teresa started caring for the poor when she saw a need at her front door. Joan of Arc started in her hometown. You might find that your purpose lies closer than you think.

4. Know that there will be obstacles. You will encounter opposition, often from within your own heart. Doubt and disbelief have a way of creeping in, often almost in-noticeably. That’s why it’s so important to write down your discoveries, as well as confirmations and encouraging words as you go along.

5. Get a goal. “Boil your mission statement down to the single most important goal or task,” advises Jones. Then, take steps to achieve it.

The Chinese proverb reminds us: “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Mary Kay, founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics, said one of the smartest things she ever learned was to write a list of the six most important things to be done the next day.

6.Ask for help. You’ll be amazed at how many people are ready and willing to either help, or if they can’t, direct you to someone who could.

Take the next step:
Start over this year and determine a fresh purpose for your life.
What if you could fulfill your deepest yearnings this year?

We heard shrill shouts and the dull thud of coconuts hitting the wall.

Outside, thick snowflakes floated in the silent Christmas sky. “Peace on earth,” the angels had sung 2,000 years ago. But I didn’t believe them, lying there terrified, my head buried in a pillow.

Earlier that night, we had gone to church. My family knelt in silence, as if peace were almost possible. From the life-size manger scene, a porcelain baby Jesus beamed a serene, painted smile. But my mother’s breath told me liquor already coursed through her veins. Baby Jesus’ saintly smile wouldn’t have stopped any of what took place that night. He was just a lifeless doll in his wooden manger.

And so it went, one dreadful Christmas after another. We had all the trappings in place: the toys, the turkey, the tree. But without fail, a few drinks too many fuelled the family feuds and ruined our Christmas.
Eventually, I moved far away from home, got married and had a daughter. Every year, I vowed we would have a simple celebration, the perfect holiday I never had as a child.

But even though liquor and violence no longer marred my Christmases, the seasonal bustle still disturbed the peace. On December 24, I found myself running from mall to mall, buying gifts people did not need, my frenzy hardly lulled by the Christmas carols seeping from the PA system. In January, I would still be scribbling greeting cards – purchased at a post-holiday sale – for those dear, distant friends and relatives.

“Oh, Not again!” I moaned whenever Christmas rolled around. So last year, I was delighted to discover I was going to have a baby in December. Here was the excuse to skip Christmas and dispense with the gifts, cards, and other seasonal exertions.

According to plan, my son Gabriel was born on December 13. But instead of warding off Christmas, as I had hoped, my little boy took me to the very heart of it.

It happened on Christmas Eve, when my family went to see the children’s musical put on by our church.
In the darkness, Gabriel on my lap, I watched the familiar story unfold. “No room,” the Bethlehem innkeeper told Mary and Joseph. The weary travellers found refuge in a stable, just in time for Mary to give birth to a boy – the Son of God.

Singing with exuberance, the children on stage bopped around Mary, who was cuddling a swaddled plastic doll. “I should have let her borrow my baby,” I thought idly. And then, it dawned on me. Mary’s son Jesus had been a baby boy just like the little guy in my arms.

Suddenly, baby Jesus came to life for me. Gone was the plastic doll. Gone were the porcelain Jesuses of my childhood. He was no longer a well-painted figure with a shining halo, a peach complexion and a maddening smile, but a real baby – soft, tiny, with a hazy gaze and wrinkled skin. A baby who needed to be nursed, diapered, rocked and kissed.

What an amazing thing! God had become human. He left the magnificence of heaven for a makeshift bed in a stable full of hay and manure. He made himself vulnerable so that all people would know God was not too great or too remote to be touched by human love.

As the play ended, I understood Christmas as an invitation from the baby Jesus to love Him from the depth of my flawed human heart, just like I loved my Gabriel.

The audience applauded and the lights came back on. People slowly left, but before I joined them, I gave Gabriel a happy hug.

My little guy with the angel’s name. He helped me grasp the essence of Christmas and understand that the baby in the manger was real. That night, the peace I had always longed for filled my heart.

Take a look at your life.  How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times.  There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget.  In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new.  What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?

Living with hope

If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here’s a suggested prayer:

Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.

Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.

Is this the life for you?

If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you’ll experience life to the fullest.

Story from A Christmas Digest, © 1998, reprinted with permission

My daughter, Michelle, opened the oven – the cake was a flop!  It was supposed to be a layer cake.  She had planned a luscious filling, and either fluffy frosting or flowers created with fondant.  It would have been almost too beautiful to eat.  But an ingredient was too old, or the oven temperature was wrong, and there it was, flat and dried out.  There was no way she could take that mess to the party.

It’ll take a little time, more ingredients and work, but Michelle can ‘redeem’ the failed baking by turning it into cake pops.  She crumbled the failed cake, whipped up the best icing she can make, and stirred it into the crumbs.  She formed the mixture into little round balls and puts a stick into each of them.  They have to freeze then she covered each one in melted icing. Once they’re set up she adds as many details as she has time for – eyes and smiles, antlers when she makes reindeer or hats when she makes snowmen.  They’re not what she had planned but they are beautiful.

God at work in my messes

Can God take the messes I’ve made in my life  – the mistakes, the problems – and turn them into something good?  The good news is that, yes, He can and He will.   Give him a chance to work.  Don’t resign yourself to the bitterness that can come with pain and regret.  Romans 8:28 reminds us that, “We know that God makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are chosen to be a part of His plan.”   

Yes, when he ‘crumbles’ us and our issues, it can be painful.  But He can use those problems and turn them into something good.  His hands can form them into something better than we had planned, better even than we could have dreamed.

My messy Christmas

The days before Christmas should be filled with excitement and joy.  But for me, this year, they are not.  Instead, there is only more dread each day leading up to the 25^th.   My family is moving toward becoming one of the broken families that fill our society.  It’s been coming for a while, but this year, the process officially got started.  I am getting divorced.  So Christmas will be different this year.

If it were just this year that was going to be different, I think it would be easier to handle.  But I know next year will be the same – a chair at the table will be empty.  And it won’t be filled again. Someone else might sit in it one day, but it won’t ever be the same.

How many people feel the same way this year?  My son lost a friend in a car crash a few weeks ago.  His family is in mourning and their Christmas table will have an empty spot.  Spouses have become widows and widowers this year.  Their Christmases will never be the same.  What are we supposed to do with these messy Christmases?

My Christmas feels like that failed cake. It doesn’t look anything like the way I pictured it.  It is so far from what I planned and worked toward.  It hurts, and although the pain may dull a little in time, it will always be there. There is a void that will never be filled.

But I have hope in the midst of this mess.  If Jesus is my foundation, he’ll be there underneath that pain.  If he is Number One in my life, the pain will only ever be Number Two. He can, and will, ease the burden.    He is the only way that the void can be filled.   Is it easy?  No.  But the world doesn’t offer better solutions.  Numbing the pain with busyness or alcohol will not change it.  Only God, His love and His peace can fill in the missing and broken places.  If I am willing to hand my mess over to Him, He can turn this into something better.   He might even take the time to dress it up with it antlers or a hat.

If your Christmas feels un-fixable take heart that God is the God of the impossible.  He is the God who moves mountains, the God who gave babies to a barren women and a virgin when everyone knew that was impossible.  He is the God who drew water from a rock, the God who makes a way where there is no way.  He is the God who gave us Christmas when there was no room in the Inn.  He is the God who looked on us with pity and said, “I’ll go to them myself.”  I do not know yet what God has planned for me or for you, but I know that He loves us and I believe that we are not alone.  Here’s my messy Christmas Father, show me what You can do.

Take the next step:

Find some peace on Earth
Surviving Step-Christmas
What to do with tears in December

1. Lower expectations: Don’t fall for the hype and myth-takes that can ruin your holiday. You’ll  make yourself crazy comparing your home, your holiday, your family, with anyone or anything that makes you feel less than perfect. Remember, you are not Martha Stewart! Stop trying to win the perfect holiday award for the best cookies, the most elaborate decorations, or the biggest gifts. Remember these four important words throughout the holiday season: Do less, enjoy more.

2. Change routines: Why do we feel that we must continue forever to do things just as we’ve always done them? Don’t be bound by past traditions. Think outside the box and consider new ways of doing things to make it easier on yourself.

• Instead of exchanging gifts with co-workers or extended family, how about choosing a charity to help?

• Who says you HAVE to cook a huge meal for 30 people every year? Could you, have a simple gathering instead? Better yet, let another relative take a turn at hosting this year’s celebration.

• When did we decide we needed 37 different varieties of Christmas cookies each year? If you MUST have a variety of cookies, go to or host a cookie exchange where everybody bakes one type but takes home several of all the other varieties.

3. Don’t do it all yourself: Involve every member of the family right down to the toddlers. If you can’t do it together, then maybe it’s not something you need to do at all. Turn decorating, shopping, gift-wrapping, baking, and even house cleaning into family-time activities.

4. Plan ahead: Work smarter, not harder. Do as much as you can in the months before Christmas to leave December open for spontaneous joy. Get the car serviced in the Fall so it will be ready for holiday travel, bake and freeze cookies throughout November, start addressing Christmas card envelopes during the summer while you’re sitting in the sun sipping lemonade.

5. Spend less money: Nothing adds stress to the season like worrying about how you’ll pay the credit card bill come January. Remember that it’s the thought that counts. Think of creative gifts you can give that cost less but express your love. Keep a journal of all your expenditures. Know each day how much you’ve spent so far. Shop fast.  The more time you spend in the store, the more money it will cost you.

6. Simplify gift shopping: Plan ahead, make a list, and stick to it. Shop throughout the year rather than doing it all at the last minute.Instead of individual gifts, buy one item for an entire family such as a board game.

7. Celebrate family and community: Schedule time for fun and relaxing together. Put it on your calendar and make it top priority. Don’t let anything get in your way. If you’re too busy to drive through the neighborhood with the kids looking at the lights and listening to Christmas music, re-arrange your schedule. Whatever you’re planning to do, share it with someone and make it quality time.

8.  Create lasting, loving memories: Be selective. Don’t fill every moment of the season with frantic activity. Think quality, not quantity. Reading stories together, a relaxed tree-trimming, singing carols, making snow angels, or just enjoying the evening stars and sharing a cup of hot cocoa can be more enjoyable than attending every play, concert, and party of the season. Volunteer as a family to sort food at a food bank, organize a toy or coat drive, deliver meals on wheels, or serve Christmas dinner at a shelter. These are memories you’ll cherish forever.

9. Tame the greedies: Steer  the family’s focus toward the needs of others and how your family can render service. Help everyone to develop an attitude of gratitude instead of always wanting something more. Talk about ways to share the season’s joy with others. Instead of wish lists, make a list of ways to practice generosity. These might include helping someone with shoveling, shopping, decorating, or baking. Or choose a volunteer project you can work on together as a family. Keep the TV turned off as much as possible to avoid commercials.

10. Create fun new traditions: Buy a new cookie cutter each year to add to a collection, or shop as a family to buy an early Christmas present for yourselves like a board game you can play throughout  December.

It’s the little things that make life more meaningful. I like the idea of starting a Christmas tradition of practicing not-so-random acts of  kindness each holiday season and maybe even extending this kindness throughout the year.

Volunteering is a great way to teach children compassion. It develops character, leadership, self esteem and a sense of community. Volunteering also helps offset the materialism of our culture. The key is finding a cause the whole family can identify with.Find some children who need cheery mail and work as a family making cards for them. There are hundreds of such children in need of smiles featured on the HUGS and HOPE Club’s web site. Your family can also sponsor a child for Christmas through the Hugs and Hope Elf Program. It’s fun to shop for and wrap items from your sponsored child’s wish list.

Then you can RELAX

Now that you’ve learned how to tame your inner Grinch . . .  take a deep breath, turn on the tree lights, gather your loved ones around you, relax in your favorite chair,  and watch angel Clarence earn his wings for the forty-third time. Only  this year, you’ll be able to affirm with George Bailey that it really is “A Wonderful Life.”

Take the next step:

Have a simple, beautiful Christmas
Tips for dealing with challenging family members at Christmas
Take a lesson: Beat stress today

One of my fondest childhood memories

Every day we would open one of the cardboard doors and behind each one we’d find a tiny chocolate. Every one of the chocolates was uniquely molded in a Christmas related shape. It was a fun diversion for us as kids as we impatiently awaited the arrival of Christmas day. But it doesn’t tell us much about the actual season of Advent. What is Advent?

The season of Advent begins on the fourth Sunday before Christmas, somewhere between November 27 and December 3, depending on the year.  Advent is the period leading up to Christmas, which celebrates the birth of Jesus of Nazareth, also known as Jesus Christ. It is unknown when this tradition first began, but this period of waiting is often seen in the Christian tradition as a reminder that the world remains waiting for Jesus’ return.

The traditional color of Advent is purple, the color often associated with royalty, although today blue and red are also used. Modern day celebrations of Advent include  Advent calendars, Advent wreaths, lighting special Advent candles, and a series of themed Sunday messages leading up to Christmas day.

Take the next step:

Was Jesus born on December 25th?
Take a lesson: Discovering Advent
Home Alone for the Holidays – When the most joyous time of year … isn’t.

Do you or your family have Advent traditions? Share them with us in the comments!

Image credit: tollens, used with permission, Creative Commons 2.0 License.

Hey,” I’d say, trying to remember where I was, “It’s December 4^th. Christmas is in twenty more sleeps.”

In those days, December was bright with Christmas programs and sugar cookies and wrapping paper. And, though our children are older now, they still love the traditions we began all those years ago. For them, Christmas ain’t Christmas without the eating of Mandarin oranges and Christmas porridge—a thick cinnamon mixture—courtesy of our Norwegian ancestors. Mom sets the table, and the kids set an extra plate for Jesus. “We should light 2000 candles for Him,” Rachael once said. But we settle for one. After breakfast we gather impatiently in the living room as I read the Christmas story from the Gospel of Luke. Then we open an array of gifts, small by today’s standards.

As a boy I began looking forward to Christmas vacation in early September, about the time Mr. Kowalski started handing out those Math assignments. By the time December arrived, my parents were whispering more than usual and I was wondering what magical things they had in store. There was little in the way of extra money, so one of those magical traditions was the making of colourful candles we would sell door to door, hoping to earn enough to buy gifts. Not all of the traditions were welcome. Sometimes my parents enjoyed travelling to visit relatives and friends. They had a highly sophisticated method of choosing whom we would visit, which involved the laying of a map of Canada on the floor and the tossing of relatives’ pictures in the air. Whoever had their picture land closest to their hometown would receive a complimentary weekend visit from the Callaways. Sometimes we’d end up in Carstairs, Alberta, and sometimes in Loon Lake, Saskatchewan. As I recall, my father never used a map, he went on faith. I always felt like the Wise Men must have felt, heading off on those trips.

Dad’s personal goal was to drive at least 500 miles without stopping at any restrooms. Every few hours, we’d tell him that we had “to go,” but he would respond, “Eh? You say something? I can’t hear you past these earmuffs.” Every once in awhile Mom would offer to drive on the slippery roads, knowing that Dad would not let her unless he went blind in both eyes or suffered a level three heart attack. On these trips, my sister and I sat in the back seat pinching and poking each other, and to this day, when I think of Christmas miracles, I think of the fact that my parents did not lock us both in the trunk and abandon the car.

Apart from these short forays, I loved Christmas vacation. Though my parents had no manuals on creating great vacations, they seemed intuitively to know how. For one thing, they invested in others. Our turkey was surrounded not only by ravenous relatives, but by famished friends. Mom and Dad were always on the prowl for lonely looks in the church foyer, or neighbors who had no family within driving distance. To my parents, relationships were more important than a perfect meal or a tidy house. From the time our children were small we have done simple things to teach them to help others. This has included buying small bags of groceries for needy families. In fact, it has turned into a family adventure. We leave the groceries on someone’s doorstep, bang on the door and run. In eighteen years, we have never been caught. Unless our neighbors are reading this.

My parents also unplugged the TV. Oh sure, we had some great times together watching classic movies, but as much as possible we were encouraged to be outside in that pre-Nintendo era. Mom and Dad were often there with us, throwing snowballs or building forts. With no television we learned to ice skate and carol sing and come up with our own entertainment. Perhaps that’s why my brother offered me a shiny nickel one icy Christmas Eve. All I had to do was lick a metal doorknob (yes, I obliged).

Perhaps, best of all, we were taught to remember that it is not our birthday we celebrate at Christmas. Once while I was drooling my way through the toy section of the Sears catalog, my Mother put her arm about my shoulder and kindly reminded me that the gifts would be a little meager this year. Sensing my disappointment, she asked if I thought Jesus got much for His birthday. I had to think about it, but I said He got gold, frankincense, and myrrh, which I thought might have been a plastic toy of some sort or maybe a casserole. “I think we can afford that much,” she laughed. I’ve forgotten most of the presents she bought me, but I remember the gift of her laughter.

At times I miss being pounced on by small children. Since our teens are in their prime sleeping years now, we’ve talked about what to do this Christmas. Perhaps we’ll switch the opening of the gifts to Christmas Eve. Then again, maybe not. Last year I bought each of them a loud alarm clock. On Christmas Eve I’ll sneak into their rooms and set them for 4 a.m.

Take the next step:

Start a new Christmas tradition
Read the Christmas story from the book of Luke

In our family December 1^st is one of the most sacred days of the year.

It happens almost the same way each year.  I untangle the outdoor Christmas lights which mysteriously get entwined no matter how carefully I lay them in their tote. (I have long believed that sometime during the year these cords awake from their slumber and play several games of Twister until they are so entangled they can’t move).  Once the Christmas lights are in place with the star at the center, I move indoors to assemble the tree.

Traditions are vital to families

Yes it is fake but hey, this is our tradition and we like it.  I discovered I could disassemble it with the lights still on it, place it in its box and presto next year save time and some frustration.  Then the girls, and now my son-in-law, set out to decorate the tree, amid comments like, “Remember when I made this one? No you didn’t I painted that. Look at the bottom, I have my name on it” or “Do we still want to put these on the tree?” My dear wife is in the kitchen adding her perfect touch to this day. The smells of corn chowder and fresh buns waft (always wanted to use that word) through the house.

Dr. Bill Doherty, Professor in the Department of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota described the importance of traditions saying:

There are so many ways for families to move apart and not connect that if you just go with the flow the flow is going to do disperse you. . . . The biggest reason that it’s important to have some family rituals and traditions is to be able to make sure you have an opportunity to connect on a regular basis.

Family traditions are an anchor in busy times, something to look back and something to look forward to.

As we sit down for our meal and look at the tree lit up in our dark front room, we feel a connectedness that good traditions bring to a family.  Traditions don’t just happen, they take effort which is why we keep December 1^st sacred.  It comes first before school, work, meetings or appointments.   We have the whole year to make sure our schedules are clear that day so we are all free to spend the day together.

Over the years our traditions have evolved and as our family continues to grow they will change and flex.  What makes a great tradition? When with fondness and a touch of nostalgia a family member says “We always…” Traditions are sacred to us and we always look forward to starting our celebration of Jesus birth with our sacred day December 1.

Take the next step:

10 great Christmas traditions
Read the stories behind Christmas carols
Missing your own family? Come talk to a mentor

These changes really won’t happen overnight, so don’t take the book’s title as a guarantee. If your child is mouthy, moody, and mean, it will take persistence and radical change on your part to nudge him or her out of the corner your child is in. That persistence takes a while. But nevertheless, I truly believe that everything Leman says is right on. I don’t think there’s anything I disagreed with.

Asking the right questions

In the beginning of the book, he says that when it comes to raising teens the main question is not “why do kids start drinking or smoking or doing drugs or sleeping around?” It’s “why do so many teenagers choose not to drink, not to do drugs, not to sleep around, and not to stay out later than their agreed-upon curfew?” Figure that out, and you’ve figured out the secret to raising teens.

His first big point is that people behave a certain way because they think it will get them something. In other words, people are purposive: they do things a certain way because it meets a need. So if your child is mouthy, disrespectful, or dangerous, understand that they are doing that because it is getting them some reward. When your child acts disrespectfully towards you, ask yourself this: what is my child gaining by this? If your son is always ordering you around, asking you “where are my gym shorts?”, and you’re tired of him being so lazy, ask yourself this: what does he gain by it? If you immediately go and locate his gym shorts for him, you’re reinforcing his behavior. You’re the cause.

As Leman says, “if it didn’t work, he wouldn’t be using [that approach].” Get that concept, and you’re a long way to being a better parent.

Happiness is not the goal

The next concept that really stood out to me, and one that I am guilty of forgetting, is that an unhappy teenager is a healthy teenager.

None of us is happy 24/7, and so why should we expect our teenager to be? Going through obstacles is part of life. Let them learn that. Your job is not to make your child happy; it is to stand beside them and support them and point them to God when things don’t go right.

But perhaps you’re not a permissive parent, bending over yourself to make your child’s life go well. Maybe you’re the opposite end of the spectrum, expecting your child to do your every bidding. To you, Leman says:

“The point of being a parent is not to control your children; rather, it’s to encourage and partner with them, seeing the long view and the big picture.”

And what is that big picture? It’s that once kids are teens, we should be less involved in disciplining them and more in discipling them. We should be pointing them to consequences and teaching them to see what life is really like, so that they can choose to grow closer to God.

Teaching responsibility vs rule following

Many people may blanch a bit at some of Leman’s theories. For instance, he’s not a big one on curfews. He doesn’t set a curfew; instead, he tells his kids: “be home at a reasonable hour”, because by this time he believes that they will do what is reasonable (and if they don’t, they don’t get the car next time). But that only works if you’ve been discipling them and teaching them to be respectful for quite a while. It won’t work in five days.

One great area of relief that I felt when I read his book was about computer time. I have always said that kids should not have computers in their rooms, and yet for the last year my children have done just that. Because we homeschool and they take online courses, they work at their desks. That means they have access to Facebook. But my oldest also has a cell phone, and so she has access to texts and Facebook there, too. Am I a bad mother?

No, says Leman. Technology is everywhere these days. What you need to do instead is teach balance and help your children make good choices. If your child can’t be trusted on Facebook by themselves, don’t let them on. But if they’re trustworthy, it’s okay. I know my kids are trustworthy (though I still monitor them). The hard part about homeschooling is that they don’t always do their work at specific times. Sometimes I come in and find my oldest daughter texting at different times during the day. I used to get mad at her, but I’ve decided that’s the wrong approach. She’ll be out on her own in less than two years, and she’ll have to learn how to discipline herself.

So instead what we’ve done is set up a school schedule, where she has to get certain assignments done by a certain date. If they’re not done, she has to work well into the night to finish. That way the responsibility is in her hands. If she texts all day, she’ll have to work at night. But she can get them done during the day if she tries hard enough and I’m not hounding her all the time. I’m not setting up unnecessary rules. I’m just teaching her to be responsible on her own.

My children are very responsible, and so I would trust them in a variety of situations that I may warn others against. The key is just what foundation your children have. Build a foundation of love, acceptance, trust, and firm expectations on your kids, and they will tend to go in the right direction. Build a foundation where kids don’t have responsibility, and they will tend to exhibit irresponsibility.

Have a New Teenager by Friday is a refreshing book, and for parents who are at a loss as to how to respond to eye rolling, talking back, sibling fights, or failing grades, the second half of the book with specific advice on specific things is incredibly useful. For the rest of us, it’s a good reminder to build the foundation right, and keep the end in mind. We’re in the business of raising responsible, godly adults. So let’s get to it!

Take the next step: 

Why do teens swear?
Keeping young drivers safe
Teens can take a lesson: How to get along with your parents